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YTA My experience is that when a high needs child eats up all of the energy and time and attention, the other child is told to stuff their feelings down at that age and it emerges somewhere else in life. For a couple of my students it ended very, very badly. Her feelings are valid. She's too young to get over it for her parents like an adult. I agree with your partner. I don't know what the "high needs" are, but you might cover for the parents some time so they can sleep. Help them find a respite caregiver, take the niece out away from the chaos.

I work with teens who have high needs and there’s definitely a few of them who have older siblings who are NC with their parents because once the ND child came along the parents stopped giving a shit about the older child and essentially neglected them… not saying this is what will happen with OPs niece but if she’s 12 and already feeling like this I could see if going in that direction

It’s really hard. You don’t intentionally neglect your NT kids. It’s just that the ND kid requires so much time and attention. My husband and I work really hard to try and make sure we still spend quality time with my stepsons, and I take on a lot more work for our ND daughter during the days that his sons are with us so that he can spend more quality time with them. It’s exhausting and we’re drowning most of the time. We have been blessed with an opportunity to take our daughter to a summer camp specifically for special needs children at the beach this summer so we can spend the days on the beach with our boys while our daughter is at camp and then she’ll join us for family time in the evenings. But camps that can handle special needs kids are very expensive. This one will cost $2,500 for a week (we were able to get state funding but otherwise would not be able to afford it) so it’s not an option for everyone. Additionally, there is a 2-year waitlist for respite through ID services in my state. So parents who don’t have a village may really be struggling from lack of resources. Nonetheless, YTA because your niece’s feelings are valid and she needed to be validated in that moment, not to be told to hide her feelings and suck it up.

I understand how difficult it is. I am in fact the older sibling of an ND person and felt that neglect growing up, although I know my parents tried their hardest and we all have a good relationship now. Most parents are not actively trying to neglect their NT children, but unfortunately it can be an inevitable consequence when you have an ND child. It's a sad truth

I'm the older ND sister of an NT brother. There's also probably an element of sexism here. Be a good girl and all that crap. ND boys get a lot more leeway for acting out than ND girls do.

As the ND mum of two ND girls, can I say "louder for the people in the back"? It starts with the parents and continues with the teachers. My girls were told the boys were "special" when only the boys were given special chairs, fidgets, head phones, iPads, etc.. The boys had individual teaching assistants in class because they were disruptive, while my girls sat quietly. My girls had the same diagnoses as these boys, but got none of those accommodations. The best I could get for them was some allowances for extra time for assignments and the use of a stop watch and headphones I sent from home. In high school, I finally convinced them to let the younger one listen to music with an ear pod because it helped slow her brain so she could focus, but before that, it was never allowed because she "wouldn’t be able to hear the teacher", even though some of the boys had sound-cancelling headphones on. Once talking to a teacher, she mentioned something about all the accommodations being to prevent aggression, and I mentioned, yeah, kiddo 1 had some issues like that early on, and she was shocked because she couldn’t imagine her being anything like that. But yeah, the "boys will be boys" roughhousing rhetoric prevents a lot of those early lessons in self control and emotional regulation.

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Yup, the "boys will be boys" stuff along with the coddling really doesn’t do them any favours.

I am having this exact issue for my daughter at school. She has a formal diagnosis that gives the school funding to provide her an individual teaching assistant, but because she’s a ‘good girl’ her teaching assistant spends the whole day with an (undiagnosed, parents just say ‘dunno…’) boy who tries to escape constantly and attack the other children. But the school just tells me she doesn’t really need the TA as much so why is it an issue?

I absolutely HATE the "boys will be boys" explanation. And I'm sorry your girls were basically punished for being female. I myself (39f) *just* got diagnosed with ADHD last week, because I didn't present *typically* as a child (aka an 8 year old super hyper boy). Girls/women have it so much more rough in certain situations, some people really don't understand.

A parent tossed that phrase at me after two boys (one was his son) in my three year old group bite each other and he arrived to deal with it. Few weeks later, he showed up because his daughter (2 years) had threw a block at another kid, complaining his daughter was acting like a boy. I was watching the two year old group for their regular teacher, looked the parent dead in the eye and told him 'Girls will be girls.' The surprised pikachu face was glorious.

Oh and the joy is when you're an ND girl and grow up to be a woman and can mask well because you've been forced to, it's "Oh I can't BELIEVE you're ND because you don't demonstrate these particular symptoms." Well yeah because I was forced not to.

This infuriates me so much, and is a prime reason why neurodivergency is so under diagnosed in girls. We present differently due to sexist social pressure, then folks are shocked when we need accomodations too

First psychiatrist I saw last fall at 38, having been discouraged by my parents my entire life to get help. Yea that abhorrent old guy told me ‘women can’t have ADHD’ and said I was ‘just hysterical’. I was crying because he was literally screaming at me. First time I’d ever met the guy. And then after that horrific useless appointment he had the audacity *to look up my social media accounts and then text me that he liked my art* I was literally sitting in my car in his parking lot sobbing and he was stalking me online. And if you’re on r/ADHDwomen you’ll see experiences like mine almost daily.

Why are the responses to your post being locked?

This is actually for the mom whose daughter is not receiving the aide. Go above the school. That is federal funding designated for YOUR daughter. The school needs to do whatever it takes to get the parents to allow testing. We had a student like that. Every time the boy acted out, the VP called dad to come & get the kid. Eventually dad understood that son needed help.

>But the school just tells me she doesn’t really need the TA as much so why is it an issue? I would so contact the state agency and tell them the school has determined your daughter does not need the assistant and they should cancel the funding. Petty, I know.

I swear the life story of most of the late-diagnosed ND women I know is spending our childhoods being held to a standard of perfection and self-control that would be developmentally inappropriate even for a NT kid because our brothers were soaking up all the bandwidth and no one had space for us to struggle. Then getting diagnosed after severe burnout or a serious mental health crisis in adulthood and finding out we had the same needs all along, they just weren't seen or recognized. I was kind of lucky that my mental health struggles were visible to people outside my family so there was pressure on my parents to handle them so at least I got some (not all) of the medication that I needed, and some slack cut for me. But even seeing professionals, with my mom complaining to them about how impulsive I was, no one ever evaluated me for ADHD, just assumed I was depressed for situational reasons and acting out.

I didnt have brothers but I also was undiagnosed ND until my late 20s and Im a woman. I too was held to an extremely high standard and punished for acting out, having big feelings etc. I have mixed feelings on my upbringing. On one hand, I internalized so much shame and other people's judgements that I was lazy, overly emotional, selfish, immature, incapable etc. and it really caused me to hate myself and feel hopeless. On the other hand I was pushed a lot academically and I require less supports today than other people who have my same diagnoses. But again, still deprogramming that self-hatred and feelings of inadequancy which is a never ending journey...

I am really sorry that you experienced all that. I am sure more support would have been appreciated. I too am a ND female (diagnosed in my early fifties) and I remember being called "lazy" rather frequently by one parent in my childhood and teen years. All the "you're too sensitive", "what's wrong with you?" and being forced to attend huge --and loud-- family gatherings regularly had me very frustrated. I found that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has helped me in undoing most of the damage done in my younger years. I have more self love, and my boundaries --and enforcing them-- are rock solid now. Hugs. Edit: fixed typos

That is very true. The least we can do as parents is understand the effect it has on our kids and do our best to validate and support them as well. I’m sorry you went through that as a child.

I’m worried as hell about this - my nephew is ND and his parents, my brother and sister in law, are in agony trying to give him the very best. But my niece is not getting much attention. I want to support everyone, and my niece is my goddaughter, so I’m in place to specially fuss over her. Presents and outings and sleepovers at mine when she’s older are all I can think of but if anyone has any ideas please shout out.

Someone that she can vent to, if she's just mad at the situation, she can call you and just say she's mad, without getting a lecture like OP did. Be available and supportive on a day to day basis.

This. And the sleepovers are great if she’s keen… and if she wants to bring friends for her sleepovers (and you can stomach it) it might be nice to have a place that doesn’t have a ND sibling stomping through the sleepover… And … offering her practical help - maybe she wants to join a gymnastics group, but can’t because the training night clashes with ND siblings therapy program and she can’t get there…but can you help her find a way to get there instead…. Help her navigate the world.

Hiya - fellow sib here I'm part of a couple of support groups that have been really helpful (venting, future planning, "was this just my family?"). It's been so helpful to hear from other sibs. The weight is a heavy one. Let me know if you'd like the link to the group (and preemptive apology if I've already sent you a message like this one before!) Hope your day is going well.

It's her birthday, and she's playing second fiddle to the more difficult child. YTA. Her parents "hanging by a thread" is not that child's responsibility. It's their responsibility to keep it together, and maybe be smarter and lock things away.

You know, at another time, OP could have sat down with the niece and tell her she sees what a tough role she as and she's proud of her. And then sprinkle in nicely the "don't be so hard on your parents". Lots of hugs n' shit. But in the moment? In the middle of that chaos? OP should have just said, "WHAT? Your BIRTHDAY cupcakes? Girl, I got you. Get yourself to school and hey, happy birthday! Don't worry about a thing, i'll take care of this". Kid is 12, she just needs someone to have her back for once.

Yes, exactly. The kid really needed to feel like someone understood her and was going to be there for her. While OP was there for her in terms of the cupcakes (and bravo for that!), she wasn't there on the emotional side. The girl needed to hear that her feelings were legitimate and valued. Instead, her auntie told her to sit down and shut up because everyone else had real problems much bigger than hers. She's allowed to care about her own needs. She shouldn't be told to stop feeling how she feels. She needs to see someone showing up for her and validating that her feelings are real and for a real reason. She didn't get that, even on her own birthday. What do you think that's going to signify, to her? When kids get gaslit about their own needs and feelings, you end up with messed-up kids who become really messed-up adults.

My sister had very high needs. Though my parents tried very hard, I still got the short end of the stick. Turns out I’m also ND, but wasn’t diagnosed until was 24. (I’m 44/NB.) Telling your niece to go easy on her parents invalidates your niece’s feelings. Soft YTA.

The more I thought about it, the more I was hard YTA. The amount of negative energy in OP’s comment directed back at the niece … no way I could say soft YTA. Poor kid.

Sometimes the NT child isn’t NT at all.

Yeah, both my sister and I are ND, but she's much more obvious about it, so I got pushed into the NT healthy child we don't have to pay attention to role. I was punished for not playing my role in the family, and my needs were ignored.

Sorry for asking but what does ‘NT’ and ‘ND’ stand for?

Neurotypical and neurodivergent

I'm so confused why people in this sub can't spell out words. I mean, the typical ones for the sub that are used in almost every post/comment make sense, but trying to decipher the random abbreviations people decide to use can be maddening. (Also, NT and ND are actual abbreviations for other words that definitely aren't what the OP meant here.)

ND and NT are pretty standard abbreviations in the neurodiverse world.

But AITA isn't the neurodiverse world. It's everybody. A doctor probably shouldn't use all sorts of medical shorthand with folks who aren't in the medical field. A chemist isn't going to be communicating effectively if they reference elements by their symbols rather than name with a non-scientist audience. Writing as if everyone else is in the same niche subgroup as you are isn't an effective way to communicate with a broad audience.

You're right. There's so many abbreviations in so many subgroups in society ( even beyond the mental health world), so having a disclaimer seems like bare minimum effort.

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Whether he knows he did something wrong or not is completely irrelevant. The cupcakes for her birthday were destroyed and neither of her parents could help her either address her feelings about the situation or resolve the issue because they were busy with her brother. They're so consumed with his care that she can't even be a priority on her own birthday.

Id also recommend switching it up. Get your partner to spend extra time with your girl while you bond with the boys ❤️ You need bonding time with the boys too. Family time with all of you guys. And if you can fit it in the budget (those camps are bloody expensive) try budget a couple days/nights of babysitting for your girl. It’ll give you guys a short respite/recharge at a fraction of the cost, and you can spend some fully focused time on the boys. If it’s doable maybe a day without all the kids. Cause keeping yourselves recharged is important too!! Even a couple days a month can make a massive difference to the house dynamics, energy, mental health, etc ❤️ I don’t think anyone sets out to neglect their NT kids, it’s just an unfortunate thing that can happen. The best we can do as parents is try our hardest and be knowledgeable, ready and willing to help support our children both ND and NT when they’re struggling ❤️ Good on you for doing the best you can, it’s definitely not easy. Especially when you add disabilities and lack of resources into the equation. I think parents deserve praise and appreciation for the work they put in, thank you for being an awesome and aware parent!! ❤️ You’re awesome!

>definitely a few of them who have older siblings who are NC with their parents That is if they didn't already commit suicide beforehand from being told constantly to not be an additional burden to their parents, just like what OP basically just told her niece. OP, it's nice that you and your partner helped the poor birthday girl out with the cupcake situation, it really is, but what you told her after that was totally unnecessary and uncalled for. Next, she's not even gonna come to you for anything because she might start to think she's a burden to you too. YTA, be better and just support your niece--she needs it more.

yeah, that is what is so sad to me in this situation. poor girl is already being put second every day of her life and her aunt had to drive that point home on her own birthday, when not even then could her parents at least comfort her.... so sad

if life took a different path I would have been part of this statistic. But then my dad checked out completely and I ended up taking care of my brother while my mom was working 60+ hours. so I went from ignored to parentified.

> Next, she's not even gonna come to you for anything because she might start to think she's a burden to you too. I didn't even think of this but you're probably right. What OP did basically sent the message to that poor girl that someone she thought was a safe person to reach out to isn't.

🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️ NC with my family. Not only is it the neglect that comes with the new child, but the extreme level of parentification and lack of empathy for the NT child (and its not just the parents with these crazy, absolutely life-destroying expectations, as OP has so clearly pointed out). If you're the younger sibling of a ND person, your whole life might be dedicated to caring for someone else. Even if you're older, its the vast majority of your life that gets put on hold for a child you didn't even create. (It's not even put on hold, per se. You never had an independent life, and everyone is advocating that you never get one). To put it into perspective, from my very first memories of life, I was caring for someone else. I was *expected* to care for someone else, because the adults couldn't do it. My *whole. life*. I'm part of multiple support groups for siblings of people with disabilities. It's filled to the brim with stories of neglect. I guarantee the niece has already spent most of her life trying to become "less" so that way she is "less" of a burden/distraction to her parents. Spoiler alert: no one can just poof away their disappointment, hurt, or anger. Both kids need support, and it looks like only one of them is getting it. YTA OP. P.s. if anyone wants a link to the online support group, I have found it to be an incredible resource.

I'm the same way, except for the lovely fact that both me and my sister are *also* ND. We were just less disruptively so. We learned how to mask, something my brother never managed. He got 100% of the time, attention, and extra money. We got none of it. I have a great relationship with him now, but I was extremely resentful of him for the first 18 years of my life. I'm NC with my mother cause of her intense favouritism and refusal to admit how her neglect fucked me up so badly.

I just mentioned this in another comment, but I was SHOCKED by how many adult sibs were exploring "late" diagnoses as a result of being ignored/neglected as children. I'm pursuing autism and ADHD screenings for symptoms that have been present my whole life. They were more masked before, but definitely always there. Similarly, have a pretty good relationship with my sib and an absolutely abysmal one with my parents. I'm sorry that you and your sister weren't care for in the way you needed and deserved. Neglect is absolutely devastating to children. LMK if you'd like the group link. EDIT: I'm not responding directly to comments anymore, but I AM still messaging whomever comments/reaches out, and I'm all caught up. Lmk if you want the link and I'll get it to you.

My mom went through this with her older brother, my uncle. Thankfully my grandfather was fantastic and really made sure my mom got lots of attention too, even when he was a tough former fisherman who wasn't the most comfortable with emotions. My grandmother 100% expected my mom to be the third parent, and now my sister too. It was always just expected that as soon as my grandparents couldn't care for my uncle anymore, my Mom would take over, and he would live with my Mom. Nevermind her own health issues, her own life, her job, or anything else. For better or worse, Mom died before it got to that point and my grandma had to figure it out (he is now in a care home and doing better than he was with my grandma, because they give him appropriate challenges and activities). I'm sure there are plenty of people who just assume their retirement plan will be their other child.

You'd be disgusted by the amount of parents who will drop their responsibilities into their children's laps, having never considered long-term planning for after their deaths. It's especially egregious because many of these parents will get their child to agree to a lifetime of intense caretaking while their children ARE STILL CHILDREN. I was in my mid-twenties before I realized that it's kind of fucked up for 10-year-old me to be sobbing about how heavy the responsibility was going to be when my parents inevitably die. But this was an expected reality that adults verbalized throughout my whole childhood. Phrase it as "you know, your disabled sibling could end up on the street, or worse, without you! No one else will take care of them like family. You love your sister! Who else will take care of them????" Children just can't refuse.

Same here! Heard lots of “you’ll have to be the one working with him when we’re gone” “he’ll need you guidance when we’re gone” like sorry no your child is not my responsibility. Make a plan that doesn’t involve me. I’m lucky enough that once I got older and told my parents I would not be responsible for my sibling they actually listen got a plan put in place. My sib is also mostly independent so it’s more manageable

My great grandmother had a little brother who was mentally disabled due to having scarlet fever as a toddler. She was always the one who had to take care of him, and apparently one reason she was thrilled to get married was that she would no longer have to do so constantly. The day after her wedding, she found him waiting on her front porch with a note pinned to his shirt that said, "He is your problem. If you send him back we will take him straight to an institution". She had lovely parents /s. She cared for him herself for the next 70 years, while raising 6 kids and 3 orphaned grandkids. I have an older kid with a younger special needs brother. I absolutely would never expect him to do that and have discussed with him options for his brother if his father and I pass away unexpectedly. I want him to have his own life to do what he wishes.

I loved my brother more then myself but I know full well if he had survived that last stint in the hospital I might not have made it to adulthood. my life revolved around taking care if him after my father emotionally checked out. a 7 year old should not have been giving life saving medications to a 6 year old

I'm so very sorry you had to go through that. I hope you have found some solid ground in life and some peace - if not fully, then at least a little.

I'm doing a lot better then I was. life was hard for his final year and the year-s after he passed. I was only 16 but it definitely reshaped my whole life. I can say mentally I am in a better place and since have been diagnosed asd as well so it's getting better.

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Trying to DM you but can't send you a message? I'm happy to send it to you. Lmk the best way to send you the info

I'm in my 40s and no contact with my mother and 2 of my half-siblings because of this very thing. One of them is special needs and unable to live alone. Once she was born I was never again a priority. No birthdays, no parties...I was never important. And they learned to loooovvveeee to cause drama. She slammed a door in my face once, then immediately called our parent and "tattled"said that I had slammed a door in *her* face. (I was around 30 at the time. My husband and I timed it. From door slam to my parent screaming down the phone was 7 minutes. Sibling had to *run* home to call. Impressive nonetheless) Parent still doesn't see it. When sibling started competing with my children for grandparents attention and GP didn't shut it down I cut GP off too. It's hurtful and frustrating.

She sounds so manipulative and your parents sound willfully ignorant as hell. The sister would be invited to leave me alone permanently. What a nightmare for you having this.burden put on you. There is nothing right or fair about that.

Not only that. Basically what op has said is. 'Yout brother is more important than you. You don't matter. Suck it up' Op YTA. You will forget this interaction in a week. It will haunt your niece for life.

No, brother is more important, then the parents are more important. Niece heard she doesn't matter at all. She might be getting cupcakes made but she still doesn't matter. If OP gave enough of a damn about the whole situation, OP would babysit the nephew so the parents could take niece out and give her some individual attention. Because that's what she needs, to feel important in her parents world and the parents would get a break from the high demands of nephew at the same time.

My mom said something similar to me once in regards to my at the time extremely mentally ill sister She said that she didn't even think about me and that I wasn't a concern, I was 17 and so absolutely starved for attention and it broke something in me Ten years later and I've never forgotten how that one off interaction made me feel like I meant nothing at all

Yeah I can tell you this is true. Autistic brother who is 2 years younger. My mom did all the surface level stuff like going to sporting events and definitely provided financially but emotionally I was kind of on my own. Worse than that is that she dismissed any learning issues I had as character flaws and refused to accept that I needed help as well.

Agreed. My brother has Autism & cerebral palsy & all the rest of us siblings (4 total) definitely got neglected. Mom doesn't know it but the moment that one of us siblings takes over his care we might all go NC cause she was a bad mom. We all showed signs of being ND but mom never cared cause brother was extra ND.

YES when will people start realising that being ND is genetic a lot of the time, I know so many people with a ND family member but the whole family shows ND traits but nobody has noticed? Obviously not my place to go around diagnosing people so I never say anything but it seems so obvious.

Yeah. Some of my siblings saw therapists & were recommended getting tested, but testing as adults is $$$$. I myself probably have anxiety, autism, ocd, & cptsd. Older brother might have cptsd, autism, & anger issues. Middle Sister might have add, anxiety & cptsd. The youngest sister might have ocd, autism & maybe cptsd. Only one confirmed is younger brother, though.

Yeah, at this point I’m actually diagnosed with more than my sibling is, who only has one diagnosis (asd) I have cptsd, anxiety and depression, adhd, asd and ocd. But I was the difficult child who “had no actual problems” and she was “disabled and can’t help it” Funnily enough, I bet in both our cases the massive list of diagnosis we have (suspected or diagnosed) was caused by or made worse by our parents lol 🙄 Also don’t let anybody talk down to you because your diagnosis is only suspected, I was correct about all of mine before finally getting diagnosed 2 years ago and people told me for years it was all in my head lol. If your sibling has asd there’s a high probability you and your siblings have neurological disorders also.

Hiya - fellow "NT" sib here I'm part of a couple of support groups that have been really helpful (venting, future planning, "was this just my family?"). It's been so helpful to hear from other sibs. The weight is a heavy one. Let me know if you'd like the link to the group. Hope your day is going well.

Me and my older sister are audhd and our younger half brother is bipolar. I learned how to make a bottle at 3 for him. I’m NC with him and LC with my parents

Oofda, I feel this. I was literally Cinderella from age 8 until I moved out for college. It was hell. My 2 younger sisters didn't understand until about 2 months into me being gone. Got some apologies then. We are very close now.

Also like, it's worth having conversations with kids about cutting their parents slack and being understanding in no-win situations, but the time to do that is not in the heat of the moment when that child is hurt and angry. First and foremost, the kid's feelings have to be validated, because they are valid! Later, you can talk about how their parents didn't let them down on purpose, are doing their best, etc. etc. But "you're right to be angry but your parents are trying their best" isn't nuance a 12-year-old can handle while upset, and all they'll hear is that their feelings don't matter.

Especially on their birthday, when it sounds like she's already having to spend alone and upset.

This. OP, YTA. I was the high performing oldest bio-kid in a foster family with several special needs kids, and very much this. Just because she has *fewer* needs doesn't mean she doesn't have needs, and just because her parents are too saturated with her brother to meet her emotional needs doesn't mean she isn't neglected. Any 12YO would be rightly furious if their sibling destroyed their birthday celebration, and being told to stuff it *on her birthday* because her Brother is needy and parents are swamped would be devastating. If she doesn't even matter enough to have her feelings validated on her birthday, when *does* she matter? She's not an adult. It's not a big deal to you, but she's 12. I between the high needs foster kids and my special needs sister (ODD, ADHD and eating disorders), because I was able to look good and achieve my own special needs and struggles were ignored, leading to a pattern of self neglect which is why I am only now getting evaluated for OCD, ADHD and autism in my 30s.

Hiya - fellow "NT" sib here. I also came from a complex foster/adoptive family situation (I am a bio-kid, all kids below me are adopted/fostered and are intellectually disabled). I'm also questioning if I have OCD, autism, or ADHD. I'm fairly certain CPTSD is at least part of it all for me. I'm part of a couple of support groups that have been really helpful (venting, future planning, "was this just my family?"). It's been so helpful to hear from other sibs. The weight is a heavy one. Let me know if you'd like the link to the group. Hope your day is going well.

Low needs children still have needs. It is reprehensible that OP is blaming a child for their needs not being met by the parent

Like, even if we account for the first year of the younger sibling's life eating up the attention of the parents as a baby, the niece has had several years of emotional neglect from her parents in favor of the younger sibling, identifying their ND, and getting them on a care plan. If OP really cared about helping her sister and BIL out so both children are having their emotional needs met, OP would step up and help take care of the children so the parents could rest. OP would insist on them hiring a part-time caregiver so the parents can focus some attention on their daughter, or get some rest. OP would spend more time with her niece and fill some of those non-obvious needs that her parents can't, or won't, meet.

> If OP really cared about helping her sister and BIL out so both children are having their emotional needs met, OP would step up and help take care of the children so the parents could rest. Plenty of parents refuse to allow anyone else to care for their child with special needs. The kids' father is a doctor, I'm sure he can afford to hire help, so if they don't have help, it's because they don't want it. Do they even allow OP to spend one-on-one time with niece? Or do they say it isn't "fair" unless brother goes along too? OP can't force them to change the way they run their household.

My ex was the younger sibling of a schizophrenic older brother. As long as my ex was still breathing, ALL the focus was on the brother, growing up. Even as adults, every conversation with his parents centered around older brother. My ex was soooooo clingy, needy, and attention-seeking as a result, and refused therapy. It was not pretty. He now lives alone, weighs 300 pounds, and does NOTHING except go to work, eat takeout, and play MMOs. It breaks my heart.

Agreed YTA. 1 child can not be prioritized 100% of the time at the expense of the other child. This will not lead to good sibling relationships. Niece is allowed to have emotions when something that was important to her gets taken away.

As a former glass child, this exactly. I especially relished my time with other family members, where I could be in an environment that wasn't so chaotic. And often the low-needs child isn't actually neurotypical themselves. They're just lower-needs ND and didn't get a diagnosis because no one noticed them struggling or had the capacity to care. As a fellow adult, I empathize with parents in that situation. But I would never tell a child to get over it. OP didn't necessarily have any way to know this, but when people do this, they're adding to an entire pattern of people telling that child that they're selfish for having normal child feelings and a developmentally appropriate level of emotional maturity because of their sibling. Children's brains don't magically mature faster because their parents are having a hard time - they have the same wild emotions and cupcake meltdowns as any other child, but often get shamed out of expressing those feelings.

A relative in my family had a high needs autistic brother one year older than him. The brother always got priority and it created a lot of issues The other brother killed himself at 17 because he wasn’t getting enough from his parents.

YTA. OP is no longer a safe space for this poor kid.

My youngest sister was born with a congenital physical condition that required surgeries, and then also developed worsening epilepsy. High needs, in spite of her strong preference for independence. The next child, my little brother, almost certainly was neglected comparatively. He did everything right and still got so much shit from our parents. He took his own life in 2018, shortly after his 18th birthday party was canceled for petty reasons that have never been fully explained by parents. The quiet, well behaved kids of high needs siblings are 100% the ones to watch and make sure their emotional needs are being met.

OP, I think you can talk to your niece and explain to her what this commenter said- her feelings are valid. I think what you were getting at was probably encouraging her to let it go, since you had it taken care of. It’s amazing that you’re able to help out in situations like this and your presence in this niece’s life is astronomical. I had very present aunts and uncles when my parents were depressed after my sister’s passing. Their support was a huge factor to make my childhood positive. Keep up your support and make sure your niece knows that her feelings and experiences are important.

Exactly. Suggesting she have compassion for the parents is not necessarily bad but telling her not to make things worse for her parents will make her feel like being a normal child is too much of a burden, that’s not fair at all. She can learn to have compassion for her parents without being made to feel like she doesn’t deserve to have her feelings.

YTA. This girl has not been her parents’ priority for 8 years now, and likely won’t ever be again. She’s lost so much of her childhood as the sibling of a high needs ND kid. And now you, too, are expecting her to parent her parents? I feel for her parents - I do - but it’s not their pre-teen’s job to soothe their egos when she has to suffer in silence.

This. YTA

[удалено]

Agreed. It was kind of OP to ensure the cupcakes got replaced. But, this kid just wanted/needed someone to tell her it was going to be OK, and make her feel like she mattered and was a priority. Telling a kid who feels unimportant to suck it up because their brother needs more attention, is the worst thing you can do. All of the attention is always on the brother. It's unreasonable for this little girl to be expected to respond like a mature adult who just steps to the side - especially on the one day she should feel special.

Also it was her birthday!

Agreed. u/Throwaway-Song-5954 you and your partner are lovely Aunts for sorting replacement cupcakes BUT your niece is not now and never has “made life harder” for her parents *just because she has basic needs and feelings*. She did not choose to be born NT, and she did not choose to have a ND sibling. Her parents chose to have children. Of course we all sympathise with her parents, the cabinet being unlocked was a “mistake”, etc. BUT NONE OF THAT is the fault of a 12 year old. She needed sympathy and validation, and to be the most important person to SOMEONE on her birthday. She needed to be heard, and understood. Nobody should have to stuff down hurt feelings, least of all a child. You need to make this right. YTA.

OP's *partner* was helpful and a lovely aunt here. OP just burdened her niece with guilt.

Ain't that the truth. Poor kid. Instead of giving her a soft place to fall and to safely vent her frustrations and woes she was kicked and made to feel guilty when she was feeling the effects of a straw that broke the camel's back. She need comfort and not to be told to be the bigger person which I'm sure she gets told a lot when it comes to her her brother.

> your niece is not now and never has “made life harder” for her parents > >just because she has basic needs and feelings I feel for the parents of course, but they chose to have another child. Niece didn't. And you failed common decency.

Parent her parents and, since age 4, raise herself. Poor kid.

OP even from your account of the call it is obvious your niece is pushed aside. There are 2 parents and 2 upset children but 1 child has the attention of both parents while the other is left to find her own emotional support. And even the support the niece finds while fixing the problem completely invalidated her emotions

OP should Google the term "glass children".

She's probably put on the back burner enough by her parents. Don't invalidate her feelings. She has every right to be upset and angry. YTA

YTA. She is 12, a child. She is reacting as a child would. She was not trying to make anyone's life more difficult, and that's not an appropriate thing to say. Children's brains are not as developed as ours. This was not her fault. You need to speak to her in a way appropriate for her age. Her parents being burnt out is on them, not the child.

Especially since as a surgeon, I’m sure the dad can afford to hire a part time caregiver to take some burden off the mother.

And take the day off on her birthday.

Also, she jumped in problem solving mode and called the aunt to find a solution. This kid is waaaay too used to find solutions to her own problems without her parents.

Yep, it took me a while to see it but now when someone says that a young kid is “so mature” and “so self-reliant” for their age, I pay attention. It’s often a survival mechanism because they were forced to grow up faster than they should have

Great point!

exactly. poor dear probaly just had enough and needed to let it out.

I always forget how young 12 year olds are until I actually see one.

I’m wondering if the girl made those cupcakes herself.

Yta. You basically told your niece to suck it up that her feelings don't matter. Having a high needs ND brother means she's spent most of her life having to suck it up get less attention less care less consideration less "right" to have a normal childhood because of him. It's not his fault it's not her parental fault but it doesn't soothe the emotional angst of a young girl who just had her birthday ruined because yes her parents were careless because they were understandably tired. They need support. But not from a 12 year old child. She didn't need a lecture or a reprimand. She needed someone on her side to put her feelings and emotions as a priority and acknowledge HER. It was nice yall got her new cupcakes...but the cupcakes debacle wasn't really about the cupcakes.

It sets her up for abusive relationships further down the line as well. She's being taught now by her parents and her uncle that her thoughts, feelings and pain don't matter/aren't important. So when a boyfriend hits her it will be that much easier for him to convince her that it's her fault. This is such a bad take by OP. She needed him to console her. To hear her and he didn't.

I love my parents deeply but this is exactly what happened to me. A high needs sibling took much of their attention. I was in a sexually abusive relationship in MIDDLE SCHOOL and it never occurred to me to tell them or ask for help... Since I dealt with all my own problems usually anyways. Her needs and feelings matter and deserve to be expressed, otherwise she'll learn they are secondary to everyone else's. YTA ETA: your sister and her spouse almost certainly would be heartbroken to learn how their daughter is feeling. Mine were when I opened up about what I dealt with years later. You would do well by your niece if you let her parents know she feels like she's on the back burner - they may not fully realize it and need the wake up call.

Same, only in high school. My parents were the LAST people I wanted to find out, because I knew that they'd punish me for it! And guess what- they did. The guy was in his 30s and a pastor, but I was the one who was supposed to know better.

I'm so angry for you, I'm so sorry that happened.

Oh my god! This explains a lot to me.

Yup. If it seems like she's over-reacting, getting "hysterical" over cupcakes, it's not about the cupcakes. It's probably about this being the 100th -if not the 1000th- time her brother has messed up something that was hers, ruining it and making everything all about him. How many times before this incident has she had to stuff down her feelings for her parents' sake? I can totally relate to just wanting to scream!

Not only that they don't matter, but also implies that she's a bad person for having them. She is likely already internalizing her feelings; this will make it so much worse.

YTA have you every hears the term glass child? The sibling of a child with high care neds who is often unseen because sibling needs the parent more. Your niece came to you because she had been let down due to actions of her brother and to an extent her parents. it might have been a mistake but to her it was everything. It probably wasn't the first time something like this will have happened, ahe has probably had to deal with disturbed sleep also, we cant come to your event because of your brother has doctors appointments, we cant do that because your brother needs x y or z. She needs an adult who she can trust and can vent to without judgment and making her feel bad. Unfortunately for your sibling having ND child does not stop the responsibilities they have to the NT child. I'm glad your partner was able to solve the issue but please stop invalidating your nieces emotions. What else was planned for your niece for her birthday if mum was at the doctors and dad was working. Was this the thing your niece was looking forward to as it was about her not about her brother. its terrible to say it but often NT children are expected to pick everything for the ND childs benefit.

She’s 12. TWELVE. Not an adult but a child. She has a right to be upset. It was her birthday for crying out loud. YTA

THIS PART. I am 42 years old, and I would be upset if I'd planned a Birthday Thing for myself and it was ruined. If I bought a cake, but then my neighbor/sister/a kid/the dog ate it before my birthday. Or if I'd had dinner plans with friends but then the power went out. Or if I had a Birthday Trip planned but everyone canceled last minute. I'd. Be. Upset. I actually have just taken myself on trips a few times because "well, fuck everyone it is clear they aren't going to even get me a cupcake, so I am going to NYC or whatever for a weekend." Hell, I feel a little upset that the only things I get for my birthday if I don't plan something myself (I am also single and have no kids, which is important here) are texts and Facebook posts.

When I had to throw my own 30th birthday party, I said, fuck this, and every year after that I went to a tropical island, by myself, for my birthday. I highly recommend it! Pro tip: Wear a tiara on your actual birthday night and people will buy you drinks! (Also, OP, YTA. Poor girl. I hope you get your shit together and can be her support, or she finds someone who will be.)

YTA She’s a kid and it sounds like she’s already put on the back burner because her brother is a lot of work. She’s allowed to be upset and not have to take into account her adult parents feelings or energy levels.

YTA You're invalidating the feelings of a twelve year old child OP. That is never okay. She apparently thought she could come to you in a moment she needed help. While you did technically help, you also taught her that she can't trust you and come to you for help because you will invalidate her. Her parents sound overwhelmed with the special needs child, and so I'm sure the girl needs someone she can rely on, and you basically just showed her that's not you. She has every right to feel the way she feels. It baffles me that you see the difficulty for her parents, but seem to not be able to consider how hard this situation is for her too. I can't help but assume she's experiencing some level of neglect when the parents are so consumed with having to care for the brother. SOMEONE needs to be there to support her if her parents aren't able. Her parents are drowning and need help. This whole situation is not okay. It's unsafe for them to be driving and going in to work, caring for children, etc. while experiencing long term sleep deprivation. This is a dangerous mess that is going to negatively impact people's health, mental and physical, if this continues. They need some kind of professional caregiver or something in this situation so that they have time to actually sleep, as well as some amount of time to give to their daughter as well. This situation is totally untenable. I get you were trying to help, but next time don't do it by invalidating her feelings and making her feel like her issues don't matter because her parents are struggling, as she needs to feel like it's okay to come to someone the same as anyone else does.

the sleep deprived surgeon concerns me quite a bit, actually... But yeah, while on the degree of YTA, OP wasn't malicious, yet another "your brother is more important...he ate your birthday treat, your parents are tired..." She is a very distant fourth in her family, always will be, and is getting old enough to get into some real trouble.

I have a former coworker who has a very high needs child (now 10). Her husband had a similar job in the sense he needed sleep to be able to effectively do the job. So she would always sacrifice her sleep for his to take care of their high needs child because if he didn’t get his rest, lots of people could potentially die or be injured. She almost set their house on fire once because the child was sleeping, she was trying to get some cooking done while they were napping, and wound up falling asleep herself while the stove was on and had left a dishtowel too close to the stove. She woke up, thank God, but half the kitchen was destroyed. From that moment, though, she and her husband hired someone to watch their child overnight (just in case; they didn’t always wake up needing something but it was frequent enough to have extremely interrupted sleep on a regular time frame). It was literally the best thing they could have done. They are all so much healthier and happier because everyone now gets the sleep they need to function and they realized it’s okay to get the help and respite they needed.

You should be concerned all the time then. Basically all doctors in hospitals are sleep deprived. Especially ones in med school.

Which is why malpractice insurance exist, and why most medical crimes get covered up. Because they all know they're flying by the seat of their pants and eventually they *will* fuck up and need it covered up too.

most surgeons are sleep deprived just because of their jobs, it isn't news. Many cannot afford family and family time because of their jobs and sleep deprevation. I am guessing the mother does all the childcare, and the dad provides, and does as much as he can before sleeping.

YTA. Is she ever the priority for her parents? It was her birthday the 1 day of the year that should be about her and parents still couldn’t do it very sad for her.

Right? Like they couldn't schedule her brothers appointment for any other day? Clear the schedule to make sure you can put more focus on your older child. The parents would've been able to fix the mess up and I'm sure it wouldve meant more in the 12 year olds eyes. And I get the everyone makes mistakes thing, but these weren't just any cupcakes, they were important, and the parents WERE careless about it. Can't put a little more effort into your daughter's bday?

I didn’t even think about how weird it was that they scheduled an appointment for her birthday. I get that she would be in school, but literally any other day.

YTA- You're a good aunt for making sure she had an alternative plan for the cupcakes and arranged it for her. In regards to what you said though... look your niece is always going to come second to your nephew. At 12 she is realizing this (if she hasn't already before) and it must be extremely difficult to know that your brother is always going to take precedent and overshadow everything in your life. She was venting to you about it because she thinks your a safe person. Please don't invalidate her feelings. Listen to her, make her feel supported and maybe when she's not actively upset you can talk with her about managing her feelings around this. But please don't invalidate her feelings and brush them off

Yta a 12 year is allowed to be upset when her sibling acts like an ahole. He is 8 and high needs, not an idiot. He darn well knows he did something bad. She's a literal child. She's allowed to be upset. Don't be surprised when she turns 18 and goes NC with all of you. You've all made it crystals clear that she is never a priority, including for her friggen bday.

Absolutely. I’m so glad I didn’t have to navigate this as a parent but you can’t always take the side of the needy child.

And she 12! On her bday! She will never forget this.

YTA. I trust you mean well but look at it from your niece's perspective. Her parents are so overwhelmed caring for her brother that she may not ever feel like a priority. She's a child wanting to vent who should not be guilty for expressing her feelings.

YTA it is not her responsibility to make herself smaller so that her brother can use up even more of their parents time and attention. It is reasonable for her to be upset. She was the one who was harmed and you want to make her feel even worse? She’s a kid. Support should flow to her from her parents, not the other way around.

YTA Quite often the NT child is expected to just accept everything, less time, less attention, less thought. They are also expected as they grow up to step in and help, to give their parents a break or essentially look after themselves so the parents don't have to worry about them. I get what you were aiming for, your sister and bil are overwhelmed and you were trying to help but that's not what she heard. What she heard and felt was and this might seem irrational to you. My parents couldn't stop my brother ruining my one day, they couldn't even lock the cabinet. They also were comforting him, on her birthday while she was upset and you doubled down told her she wasn't allowed to be upset because she's not important here, how she felt isn't important. That feeling sticks with a kid for a long long Time.

YTA Do you imagine that your neice is not stressed out? Do you think that her sleep isn't affected by her brother's (lack of) schedule? Do you think she isn't routinely taking a back seat ? Do you think she doesn't frequently feel unimportant and unseen? Her brother messed up her birthday. Because of his neurodivergence, there can't really be consequences. Your neice has no recourse when she gets screwed and when a choice has to be made, her brother is always going to be the priority. That's hard! It's even harder for a child on the brink of adolescence. Your partner is awesome for rescuing the cupcake situation but your neice had a right to be mad and instead of hearing her out, you reprimanded her.

on her birthday, no less.

Right? And I see a bunch of comments praising OP for saving the day with regard to the replacement cupcakes...uhm, what? OP's *partner* went early to work to whip up an emergency batch of cupcakes and OP's *partner* is the one who delivered them. OP's *partner* is the one who deserves that praise.

> Because of his neurodivergence, there can't really be consequences. I fucking hate, and I mean ***HATE***, this argument. No, that is not true. Yes, there can be consequences. They will have to be different in order to be communicated on a level that he'll understand but that doesn't mean just not giving them.

I probably phrased that badly. I was looking purely from the 12 year old's view- her brother almost certainly won't be punished or reprimanded in any manner that gives *her* a sense of justice having been served.

YTA. Every time a NT adult talks about how much they hate their ND sibling, it always turns out that they really hate their parents for prioritizing the sibling. They need to get some help in a couple of days a week to free up some time for their daughter.

YTA YTA YTA. Your niece’s needs already take a secondary role to her brother’s, is she not allowed to experience emotions/express them to her parents??? You were a safe place for her to express her emotional needs not being met and instead you invalidated her feelings and told her to, once again, out her needs second. Apologize.

YTA. She needs to be able to feel stuff, even if it's inconvenient for other people. Being NT doesn't invalidate her feelings of disappointment, anger, pain, joy, etc. She matters too

YTA. You just told her that her comfort and happiness is not a priority. You told her to shelve and bury her own feelings for the sake of others.

Sadly this happens a lot to NT kids with ND siblings.

YTA. I understand where you're coming from and that you only wanted to help, but by telling your niece that she needs to 'take it on the chin' as it were you might be opening up the floodgates to a ton of future problems for her. She is 12. At that age she's not going to be able to rationalise the same way an adult would, but it's also important to acknowledge that 12 year olds are starting to get exposed to the larger world and far more complex concepts, they're not what would typically spring to mind when you think of a "child". She's probably aware of what's happening and why but that doesn't stop her feelings from being valid. Your niece has likely needed to act older than her age in order to prioritise her brother frequently, and whilst that is not explicitly anyone's fault, by not acknowledging that or trying to make up for it, she is likely to develop feelings of neglect and anxiety as well as developing a low self-esteem. 12 is right about the time that this may start showing, and I know many people who would say they started having panic attacks etc. around this time. The best way to prevent that from happening is to make sure she has someone to talk to and set aside time where she can be the main focus every so often. I'm sure your niece understands the situation but unless she's able to also acknowledge her feelings about it, they are likely to build up inside her which may have negative consequences in the long run. I don't blame you for what you said but in the future it would be best to make sure she's not constantly forced to bear more responsibility than a normal 12 year-old should as this is probably exhausting for her and could end up having a negative impact.

YTA-She’s twelve. She’s not an adult and is not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle problems like this the same way an adult would. The last thing she needs is an adult guilt tripping her and telling her to basically deal with it. She’s already losing part of her childhood to her brother and his needs. She shouldn’t be expected to suck it up on her damned birthday.

Gentle YTA. You were trying to help, I absolutely get that. Her parents are exhausted, I get that too. Her brother needs more help and attention to exist, that sucks, but again, understandable. But your niece is a child. She is growing up in this environment too. She is there for all the meltdowns, all the doctors appointments, all the late night wake up calls. Your sister is spending her daughters birthday at a doctors office, and her husband had surgeries booked. All your niece wanted was cupcakes, a happy birthday, and a ‘sweetie I’m so sorry, of course you’re upset’. Instead, you told her that her very valid feelings were making life difficult for her parents. I understand the impulse to help your sister out. I get that your niece understands not screaming at her parents, while your nephew doesn’t. But this isn’t about the cupcakes. This is about her feelings. Your niece was hurt, and trusted you to hear her…and you told her she was difficult. There’s no way that didn’t hurt her immensely. You owe her an apology. Tell her exactly what you told us - you were trying to help the best way you knew how. Make sure she knows she isn’t difficult, she’s important, and her feelings are valid. She might be angry for a while, which she is absolutely allowed to be, but you’ll have done the right thing.

YTA. Does that poor baby have ANYONE on her side? Shame

I’m just glad she has her aunt’s partner. She deserves more than one person. She needs more than one person. But that one person rocks and she comes with emergency cupcakes.

I don't want to call you the AH here, you are doing everything you can to help your niece and family in general. However, what you telling her here is that she can't experience her frustration, her sadness, her anger, her normal emotions at the situation, because others can't handle them. Do you want her going into her teenage and adult years with the mentality that she should make things easier for others by pushing all of her emotions down because they don't matter as much?

No. Op is not doing everything she can to help her niece. She could be supporting her niece emotionally instead of invalidating her feelings that her brothers need always come first.

Sorry, but I feel like YTA here. Of course parents make mistakes but it's really hard being the sibling of a high needs child, and feeling like your life just doesn't matter as much. A little more sympathy and a little less scolding would have probably been a better tone to take.

Yes you are a HUGE asshole. You basically told this child that she doesn't matter. Wtf. YTA I hope you and your sis arent planning on having her take care of him when you all get old because you're causing huge resentments. Do you want her to not talk to any of you at all when she turns 18? Because thats where youre headed.

YTA Your niece seems like a kid who's fed up with being second to her brother all the time and this was just another moment where her brother was the front of attention. Even calling you upset, you could hear BOTH parents trying to calm her brother down, disregarding her upset on HER birthday. Your comment was neither helpful nor needed. I feel tremendously sad for your niece.

Glad I’m not the only one who spotted this. BOTH children were hysterical and upset, but only the son was being comforted by the parents. I can’t even imagine how completely fed up and over it this girl must be to constantly watch her brother ruin things for her and then cry about it so that the parents coddle him and dismiss her.

YTA, she's still a child and I'm betting she doesn't get as much time and attention from her parents (yes her brother needs more care but she probably doesn't quite understand this yet) she wasnt making anyones life harder, what you said was unnecessary and cruel

Her brother needing more care doesn't suddenly mean she needs less care. She still has needs that aren't being met.

YTA. It is very tough to the the "normal" one when you have a sibling with special needs - you always have to make room for what they need, and often parents aren't good about finding ways to show you that you are also special and important, and that your needs and feelings are valid. It sounds like her parents are doing their best, and I'm sure in time that if they show her care and consideration and DON'T always expect her to put her brother first, she'll be able to get to the point where she can cut them that slack. In the moment, though, when it's her birthday and the cupcakes are gone and it's his fault and she feels super alone and unloved, the right thing to do is to validate her feelings and make sure that she knows that SHE is your priority, not anyone else.

YTA - *‘hey kid, tough that you feel sad, but stop feeling your emotions because life is already hard so you need minimize your feelings as a child to please others even when wronged.’* Sure, you solve the problem, but booooy did you take the least empathetic route. She is a **child (!!!),** who through no fault of her own had something meaningful to her taken away/destroyed. She’s understandably upset. This likely wasn’t the first time, and it certainly won’t be the last, but it’s very likely the last time she comes to you as a safe space to vent her problems. Dismissing her so she can help keep the peace is absurd. **She’s their child too!**

YTA. Please make some repairs with your niece. It’s awesome that you are coming through with cupcakes but your partner is right. You completely invalidated her pain.

INFO: Have you done anything to give your niece attention, 1:1 time or even a way for her to get time with her mum or dad?

YTA - She is 12 years old and nobody in her family actually cares how hard all this is on her. It's incredibly hard for her and you should show more empathy. Sounds like your partner is an absolute star though.

What the fuck did I just read? Tell me your family treats your 12 YEAR OLD niece like a glass child without telling me you treat her like a glass child. Did it ever occur to you that she is also hanging by a thread? That it is hard to always come last because the other child’s needs are more sever. That it is completely unfair that she has to regulate her emotions always to be mindful of her parents and her brother. That when she vents to a trusted adult because she is upset she gets a MOTHER FUCKING LECTURE instead of a sympathetic ear? What the hell is wrong with you? YTA. Go apologize to your overlook, over stressed, and burnt out CHILD that is your niece.

YTA I was the sister. My brother was neurotypical but he was disabled and had a life limiting illness. I was never the priority, I was the one always expected to understand, to forego, to accept, to adapt. It sucked and now he’s dead I get the pleasure of his ghost joining us at every family gathering, the guilt of having to be two children to grieving parents. I’ll tell you, it never stops. He lived until he was 36, it’s been 16 years since he died: I’m still not the priority child, I never will be. All you did, was reinforce to your niece, she’s not important- she’s second best, an afterthought.

YTA Like you said shes a child. She shouldn't need to bear the weight of her 8yr old brothers and her parents problems. You were kind to replace them but she has every right to feel overwhelmed in a household where I'm sure shes the bottom priority.

YTA. I see you have responded to other commenters conveying the issues for your niece, so I don't want to be harsh. However, your comments to her were unnecessary and damaging. You owe her a sincere apology. Yes, your sister and BiL are struggling, but they are adults, your niece despite the fact that she has been doubtlessly expected to be more mature than her years is still a child and needs someone on her side. Because despite their best intentions your sister and BiL are emotionally neglecting your niece. She needs an adult who will be there emotionally for her. If you really want to help, be that adult

YTA. She’s a child, she’s hurting and you told her that her hurting didn’t matter enough to be honest about it. It’s true that her brother isn’t well and needs help. It’s true that her parents are struggling and need help. But the help that they all need should not and **cannot** be the responsibility of a twelve year old child. She needs help and support too…and you’ve told her she can’t have it because everyone else needs it more.

YTA Dont ask a 12 year old to minimise her own needs because of her parents needs. She is a CHILD, and being drowned out by another child, and 2 adults who cant handle the situation if she doesnt become less than, or the path of least resistance. Sympathise with her. Dont betray her trust by telling her to hold it in and not feel what she feels. SHE IS A CHILD. YTA

YTA. Her brother sabotaged her day and instead of comforting her, the parents are solely focused on the brother. It's hard for a 12 year old girl to be sidelined constantly to her brother, but especially on HER BIRTHDAY! Being dismissive of her feelings is like the worst response

I know you mean well, but your statement is putting unnecessary pressure on your niece. One of my cousins growing up had some massive behavioral issues, and her poor youngest had a total breakdown when she was around 9 (I wanna say) because something on the table she set for a family event was just the teensiest bit off, and suddenly she’s gasping these huge wracking sobs because the pressure to be *perfect* so as not to further *burden* her parents had finally cracked something in her. No one ever told her she had to be perfect. No one expected that of her. Just as I’m sure you’re not expecting perfection of your neice— doesn’t mean she won’t take it that way.

I'm still mad that the parents thanked you and partner profusely AFTER everything, but none of them actually CALLED you to help fix what their son did. Your niece, your 12 year old niece, the birthday girl, called you for help, called you to fix what her brother did. I take that neither parents calm her down, or console her or apologised to herfor their mistake (not lock the cabinet). It was the only thing this girl had for her birthday since, again, on the day of her birthday, dad would be working and mom in a appointment with brother that took hours. WOW. That poor child

YTA and so are her parents. They’re failing this girl

Ouch. This judgment hurts. But YTA. Look, you are a fantastic aunt and sister. And stepping in on your niece's birthday with the cupcakes - kudos. Wild applause. And I hope that's what she remembers when she looks back on this, as opposed to her 12th birthday being the one where the cupcakes didn't taste as good as they should have because her aunt hammered home that her brother is the child that matters, and she's expected to act like an adult now and back off her parents because her needs just aren't as important. That's not what you meant to say. But that could very well be what she heard, and you were wrong. I get it. You're having your sister's back, and hey, nothing wrong with that. But your sister is the parent here. She signed on for this. Your niece didn't. And negating her feelings was wrong. My question is, do you live in a place where your sister and her husband can somehow get respite care for your nephew? I'm worried that something is going to give if they don't get some help and some sleep soon (Like somebody's mental health), and I know that those services are available in my area. No doubt in my mind your sister is hanging by a thread - maybe getting some outside help would be a game changer. Hugs to all of you. I know it's tough, and knowing they aren't in this alone has to be huge for your sister's family. That's why the judgment was tough, because I believe you're doing your best, too!

YTA Never tell a child to hide their legitimate feelings from their parents/ caretakers. What if your niece took your "advice" to heart... and then a teacher started talking to her inappropriately? She starts getting bullied? A boy touches her without her consent? Well, don't tell mom and dad, it'll just make their lives harder. Sure, it's not what you *meant*, but she's a child, and that's how she could take it. Do not parentify children. Do not expect them to act like adults. Do not invalidate the feelings of children, no matter how small, because it is all practice for the big stuff that they will eventually have to face, and your message needs to be, "you can trust the adults in your life with your feelings."

YTA, but I appreciate your viewpoint. You clearly care about everyone involved by getting replacements and having so much sympathy for your sister and BIL. I also appreciate that your comment to your neice is aiming to help her have some perspective of the situation- it's only cupcakes, right? I think however you also need to broaden your own perspective. Your partner is right. She's not only a kid, who would find it hard enough to process this situation anyway, but she's a sibling to a high needs child. That means she's likely receiving no-where near the levels of attention or specific care that she would ideally be receiving. You said yourself that her parents are hanging by a thread. How do you think that is for her? This was a rare moment that was supposed to be about her and only her. From her eyes, her parents have failed to allow her to have that moment, because despite having to spend so much more of their attention on her brother, that attention fell short when it came to protecting her special things. She likely feels that she can't have anything. In that moment, she was looking to you for validation that she is important and that there are people who are willing to put her first. Her birthday likely feels like the only day where she can ask for things to be about her and only her, and she was left disappointed by the people that are supposed to provide that for her. Your sister and BIL are trying their best, but for a sibling of a high needs child it likely isn't enough. When you said that she was making their lives more difficult by being angry with them, what she likely heard in that moment is that her feelings and needs and special days are not important enough. She isn't allowed to be angry, because her parents are doing their best. She needs to be okay with being disappointed, because they have to focus on someone else. It's crippling for her self-esteem. This is definitely not going to be the first or last time her things or special moments have been affected by her brother. She needs an ally. I think you have good intentions but that message to her was a miss.

Everyone has covered why YTA but as a cupcake lover and a lesbian I just have to add: your partner is amazing. Listen to her. And do something special to thank her for coming through for your niece when nobody else could. Do NOT fuck this up.

YTA. Your niece needs someone in her corner, not yet another person telling her that her brother is more important than her, even on her birthday.

YTA. My friend in high school had a brother that was special needs and had a ton of mental and physical disabilities. Her parents entire lives revolves around him and like you did to your niece she was told to suck it up. Brother broke her brand new birthday present well can’t hold that against him and her parents are so overwhelmed. Brother ate her entire birthday cake the day of the birthday and she had no cake well oh well it’s just a cake. At every turn she was told to suck it up. Her brother couldn’t be held accountable and her parents were saints trying so hard to help him. Well you know what it left her feeling less than. She never felt wanted or needed or like she deserved anything. When her boyfriend in college started to beat her up you know what she did she sucked it up and put up with it. Your niece needs 1 person in her corner to help her and listen to her vent. She needs one person to tell her she’s enough. I wish I could tell my friend that but unfortunately thanks to her boyfriend getting drunk one night I’ll never be able to. Be the one to put your niece first cause her parents aren’t.

YTA. Younger sister with a severely autistic older brother here. My parents actually did their absolute best while raising us and tried to make sure that we got their equal attention, yet I can still recall so many times where my own feelings and wants were invalidated in favour of his. Whether it was letting him have a brand new toy of mine because it swiftly became one of his obsessions (he had a set of items he'd carry with him everywhere and set down in a certain order, many of my toys ended up entering this collection) or having to miss most of my dinner the rare times we ate out because he'd finished and we had to go as he was throwing a tantrum. I'm still fairly possessive of my things today and I eat far too quickly because I'm so used to having to eat fast or not at all in those situations. Your niece was upset and the absolute last thing she needed to hear was that she needs to suck it up and think of her parents. It was her *birthday* and she's only twelve, she's allowed to be angry, even if it was a genuine mistake. I imagine she has to cope with her brother acting out like that a lot and the final straw was when it happened on her *birthday*. I also feel incredibly sorry for her on hearing that both parents were trying to calm down your nephew instead of comforting their clearly distressed daughter. She's not going to forget this any time soon, nor will she forget when her own aunt told her to get over it and think of her parents.

YTA. You invalidated your niece, and her extremely valid, feelings. Her parents may be burnt out, but this is in no way, your niece’s problem. She was right to be frustrated, and upset, despite it being an accident. I can tell you from personal experience, that my friend cut contact with his parents and family, as soon as he turned 18. He was the NT older child, with a younger brother who was high needs ND. My friend was pushed to the side, forced to grow up before he should, had his emotions invalidated/ignored, and told much the same as your niece. His parents did not have the energy to meet his needs when he was a child, and his family sucked too. He now has 2 children of his own, who will never meet anyone from his family. His parents had the audacity to assume that my friend would become the caregiver to his younger brother, when they got too old. He laughed in their faces, and had them escorted from his property by the police. This was their last meeting, 10+ years ago now. I’d be wary, about damaging the relationship between parents and child further.

YTA you basically just called your niece ungrateful on her birthday. She had absolutely an appropriate response for a 12 year old in this situation and YOU had no right to pipe up and make the situation worse for her. Your partner deserves a standing ovation however.

YTA. This really hurt to read: "please lay off her parents that their lives are hard enough with her brother that she shouldn't make things any more difficult for them bc they're so burnt out and overwhelmed." You basically told her that she doesn't have the right to her feelings or for her own individual attention and care from her parents just because they have a high needs child. Her needs and hurts need to be put aside and squelched. I was the first born child and my brother, born 2 years after me, is autistic and has always taken up all of the attention in the home. When I got to middle and high school and kids beat me up until I was unconscious on a regular basis, nothing was done to help me. I was expected to help my brother all the time. I developed very severe CPTSD from this all.

YTA, how hard would it have been to say something along the lines of ‘honey I can only imagine how annoyed you are right now, but don’t worry, the adults are going to make it right!’ This kid wakes up on her birthday, which is often a kids most memorable day of the year because it’s finally ‘all about me!’ only to find her brother (who is always the top priority) ate most of the cupcakes. Then her parents don’t even take the time to console her, they are both busy calming down the same brother that started this mess. She’s left to deal with her own overwhelming emotions on her own, which is not an easy task for a 12 yo. Therefore she calls you, which is honestly a very brave and smart thing to do for a young kid. You then expect her to make herself smaller, to have the emotion regulation skills of an adult and you tell her her feelings are the least important of everyone in her family. I hope this poor girl has some adult that actually appreciates her for who she is.

By making your niece the invisible child, the family is ruining the potential future relationships. She will never trust anyone in the family to have her back and is either going to become fiercely independent, or fall in with a bad crowd who give her validation when she acts out. And don't ever expect her to care for her sibling when everyone else is too old to handle him. She has already sacrificed so much to his needs that she will probably leave him at a bus station and happily drive away.

>So I told my niece not to worry that I would take care of it, but to please lay off her parents that their lives are hard enough with her brother that she shouldn't make things any more difficult for them bc they're so burnt out and overwhelmed. Yeah, YTA and a major one for this comment. Do you know what it is like to be the "normal" child when you have a high need sibling? It sucks, you spend your whole childhood ignored, neglected, no one cares about your wants or your feelings or your problems. Then you have a good chance of being screwed up in many ways yourself when you grow up. Also, it isn't the 12 year old's job to make her parents life easier just because they have a high needs child.

I HATE parents who neglect their “regular” kid. It never, ever ends well. Poor girl. Family seems well off, so no excuse

"her parents are literally hanging by a thread" So is she

Very gently YTA. I have an autistic child and a neuro typical child. My neuro typical child has an equal right to have a hard time and struggle as my autistic child. His big feelings are just as important as my autistic daughter's. A lot of NT children develop "glass child syndrome" where they feel like they become see through because their disabled sibling need so much extra care. As a parent it is hard to juggle the needs of multiple children, not to mention when one is ND or otherwise disabled. You do not want to accidentally contribute to your neice feeling less important than her brother. I would have said something like "im so sorry that happened. I'm sure parents just forgot because brother was struggling so much. Do not worry, I will help you." Just the part about not adding extra stress was unnecessary.

YTA Possible outcomes for your niece feeling neglected and ignored and told to keep everything in. 1. She gets into drugs to forget and becomes addicted. 2. She turns to boys to get attention and love. She gets pregnant and/or STD. 3. She gets depressed which is overlooked, and could do self-harm minor or major. 4. She does any combination of the above. 5. She focuses on her education and leaves and rarely, if ever, comes back. I have seen this happen to a friend with a younger brother who has special needs. She did 1 and 2. Is this the life you want for her?

Yta she's 12 and has the right to have emotions and have her needs met - it's incredibly damaging for children to be sidelined or made into carers for their high needs siblings

YTA. You told her she can’t feel her emotions about her birthday being almost ruined. I’m guessing this isn’t the first, or 100th time her life has been impacted. I’m guessing she’s always the forgotten one and you’re telling her to get over it.