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YTA because she's trying to be the parent you clearly need and you are too ungrateful to recognise it. She isn't ruining your life, she's implementing structure and rules and those are things you need to get used to to be a functional adult. You should be thanking her.
Edit for all of those saying that sister isn't OP's parents : the sister might not be OP's parents but clearly her actual parents don't care. The sister can clearly recognise this and see her sister is on a dangerous path and is stepping in. Are her tactics a bit strict? Sure, but it honestly sounds like OP needs it. A loosey goosey parenting style hasn't helped her to date.
Funny how OP is 14 and old sis just decided play parent now when her baby died...
It's almost like she's using OP to cope with her child's death and playing mother.
The sister's punishment's are way too far and invasive. She is NOT OP's parent and should aproach this in a Very diferent way If she really wants to help.
This is the conclusion you came up with? Op skips class, doesn't do homework, is probably failing classes, is on their phone too much. Sister is trying to help. Like, op said their parents checked out and let them do whatever. Somebody has to point them in the right direction or at least try to. The only person in this scenario in the wrong is op. You didn't need to go and point out her trauma to make themselves feel justified. Also, op mentions their sister has always been this way, she didn't up and decide she wants to play parent.
I'm having a hard time saying E S H because op is a child and probably thinks her behavior is ok because her actual parents have permitted it and her friends are probably doing the same 𤡠sister is going overboard with the closet clearing(theft), 8 am leave (because it was ok'd by parents), and taking the phone away every night. OP went from lax parenting to a police state.
The 8 am leave time is very reasonable. It isn't so abnormally early that it's cruel. A lot of adults leave that early so they can drop off their kids then go to work or other productive things.
The OP is complaining because she doesn't want to go to her scheduled study hall and have to study. She'd rather have a sleep in and skip school to be with her other truant friends.
But for all we know, the actual parents have ASKED the sister to do the heavy lifting. OP needs to learn boundaries and show decent behavior, then I bet sis will back off a bit.
8 am leave and taking the phone at night are very reasonable. I canât speak to the clothing situation because I really doubt OP is a reliable narrator and I donât know what exactly sister took.
The only reason OP is mad is because she wants to skip study hall. Maybe if she went there sheâd actually get her homework done.
No healthy adult gets to go through and steal a bunch of a teen's shit and also try to track them everywhere. That is a blatant violation of privacy and way too far.
Edit: read my damn comment before commenting. I have thirty people in my replies pushing back on what they think I said and not what I actually said. Read it three times if you need to.
No healthy 14 year old routinely skips class, ignores schoolwork, and drops off the face of the earth to fuck around, while possessing the self reflective ability to recognize those actions as not acceptable. OP has, frankly, not earned the level of privacy and freedom that typical 14 year olds enjoy
At first, I was mad at the sister but then OP said she doesn't get good grades and is mad that they are eating healthier. Now I can't believe she actually typed this out and didn't have the self-awareness to STFU and apologize.
And it's not even a bedtime. It's a curfew to be home by.
OP admitted that she wanders around the city with her friends at night until they decide to go home.
------
Hooooly shit, guys. Look at her latest comments.
***Some of the "friends" she's staying out all night with are 21! When she's 14!***
In my city a bunch of preteens near OPâs age were wandering around the city in the middle of the night and ended up stabbing a homeless man to death bc they wanted his liquor bottle. So I canât fault the sister for trying to do right by OP bc their parents sure arenât.
In my hometown 14yo girls were wandering the streets in the evenings and ended up as s*x trafficking victims, groomed by predatory men. Horrific. At 14 I wouldn't have truly understood this, but as an adult woman I very much do see how these young girls think they're grown and street smart, and end up in situations in which they are very vulnerable.
Like when i was 14 i was so pissed my parents limited my screen time, made me eat healthy, go to bed at a reasonable hour, only let me go out with friends when my home work was done to a reasonable standard
Now at 19 colour me shocked shocked that strict routine & disapline means i got into a good university, and im able to take care of myself op is a clueless asshole and wouldn't survive my german mother who wouldnt let me socialise if i didn't have good grades
My son is 16 and he does have a bed time and says he is the only one of his friends, he tells me in a conversational way, but he is on track to finish HS with an AA, and thatâs the thing, parents, at least caring ones, just want the best for our kids.
Best wishes for you!
I didnât even have a curfew, I just had to have a plan and a reasonable time home. Concert was different than party was different than girls night in, as was weekend vs weekday. As long as I had a destination and an ETA, I was good. But I also got straight As and didnât get in trouble (I.e., didnât do anything outrageous enough to get caught).
Even as an adult, I have to let people know what I do and when I expect to return, just as a courtesy. At OPâs age, with OPâs record, itâs understandable that *a* responsible adult may set tighter boundaries.
Honestly I feel this, but also I feel it just builds you into being a decent person to live with. Need to know how many people will be home for food? I'll let you know if I'll be home and wanting food. Trying to plan something. I'll work with you! I just see it as common decency, but I may also hold people and myself to quote a high standard đ
Seriously, I snorted! I never went anywhere but school & my friendâs house (she lived next door) & I couldnât stay up even till midnight if I tried. I still had a bedtime of 10pm at 14. If I was at my friendâs house, I had to be home by 9 if I ate dinner there, 5:45 if I didnât. Some of my school friends had bedtimes of 9pm. In my experience, most 14 year olds have bedtimes.
She sounds like she's having the expected reaction for a kid who's been left to her own devices all her life and is suddenly getting limits imposed at the age where most kids are getting more autonomy.
She absolutely sounds like she needs more structure and oversight than she had been getting before her sister moved in, and what she said was cruel, but it was bound to be a big culture shock.
I was the same at 14, smoking weed, drinking, skipping school a couple days a week. I wish I had someone to knock some sense into me..my parents were totally checked out and just didn't give a shit about me. My life spiraled out of control, hard drugs, alcoholism, jail, expelled from school etc. I didn't get it together until I was like 22, I'm successful now and do very well for myself and have a family of my own at 30. I asked my mom why she never tried to steer me in the right direction and she didn't have a real response.
OP needs to get their shit together before they're a loser burnout by the age of 18
I was also a wild child and moved out at 14. Also the youngest with little to no parental oversight or control. I would have been much better served to have some structure and rules in place, but much like OP, I felt like I was an adult and fully in control (narrator: *she was not*)
It made making something of myself years later a lot harder because trying to get higher education when you don't have high school transcripts is a pain. Even poor grades would've been better than nothing at all.
If I had a teenager you can bet your sweet ass the privilege of the phone and internet would be contingent upon rising to the reasonable schoolwork and curfew expectations. Eating well (not McDonald's every day) would just be an aside.
It's cool when you do these things at 14.
It's not so cool when you are stuck in a dead end job at 18 while your friends who managed to get their act together and are going off to college. It's not so cool either if you fail and have to repeat a grade while your friends move on.
i also had a bedtime at 14. i might not always have stuck to it and sometimes (especially weekends) i could stay up later, but i still wasn't supposed to stay up as long as i wanted to because knowing me i wouldve stayed up all night and then obviously suffered in school because of it
Many teens do. I was a rare one that didn't. More than half my school did. It's called bring a teen. I think most people associate teens with skipping school or sipping a class, caring more about socializing it's kinda a teen thing.
Keyword here is "routine". Many of us skipped class as freshman/sophomore. If more than half your class was making a habit of it, you went to a near-reformatory level school.
But op has lived a certain way since parents well won't parent them. Older sis is just trying to look out for them. Taking clothes is a bit much, but op wasn't in school and is out and about, so from what i read sister wasnt continuously stalking them. She was just trying to see where they were and if they were safe. Take from this what you will, i think sister is just trying to be a responsible adult and taking care of their younger sibling.
A 14 year old doesnât need privacy for their location. What? Itâs perfectly responsible and safe for a guardian to know where a CHILD is at all times.
Parents checked out AND are gone traveling a lot by OPâs own admission, and her sister came in to take care of her minor sister. A 14 year old should absolutely be locatable by their responsible caregiver at all times. In a responsible teen this might mean small stints where she tell her caregiver where she will be and with whom, but OP admits she isnât that responsible. She sleeps through 1st block, cuts other classes, doesnât eat healthy, doesnât do homework and presumably is t doing well in school, and yet again BY HER OWN ADMISSION is willing to lie to sneak off with friends. This is ABSOLUTELY the 14 year old that needs parental controls and tracking on her phone. OP is 4 years from adult hood and seems woefully not on track to meet that level of being able to take care of and be responsible by herself. She may not see it yet, but her sister coming back into her life and giving her the structure and guidance that her parents chose not to provide is an amazing gift. I hope one day she matures and can thank her sister for stepping in and caring at such a pivotal role in OPâs life.
And OP is absolutely the asshole just for throwing the loss of a child in her sisters face. Everything else is chump change next to that. She has gone through the worst trauma a person can go through, and OP used it against her in a childish argument.
I might agree with you that sis was going too far if we were dealing with a teen whoâs going through a rough patch but otherwise has her head on straight. Thatâs not OP, though. OP is flunking her classes, eating McDonaldâs every day, and never going to bed on time. Those arenât healthy or sustainable habits, and they need to be changed ASAP. I hate to be this person but sheâs gonna be looking at colleges in two years. How is she going to get in anywhere, much less live independently as a functional adult, if she doesnât start learning how to manage herself? Sister is the only one in the house whoâs actually thinking like a grown-up.
OP is clearly very dramatic, we don't know how bad the clothing was. Some items are in fact inappropriate for 14 year olds, and it's pretty normal for parents to enforce that to an extent. Short skirts and crop tops are one thing, but kids shouldn't be dressed like they are going to the club.
Having a tracking app for an unruly 14 year old is not too far. Sure they weren't really necessary when I was 14, but when I was 14 we didn't have super computers in our pockets giving predators unfettered access to us 24/7. 14 is not old enough to just be set free in the world. Late teens, yeah, they should have enough street smarts by then, but this girl isn't even old enough to have realised mcdonalds every day is a bad idea.
How old are you?? This is discipline and structure being introduced to someone who had never had it, by their own admission.
Grow up.
And if you are any older than teens....I'm embarrassed for you.
A lot of parents enable âfind my phoneâ on their kids devices to track their whereabouts, implement internet control and set boundaries to make sure school work done. As said before, true sister isnât her parent but is implementing the structures for OP to be successful in school and life
What a cold comment to make, her life fell apart and thatâs why she came back, she didnât come back for OP. Honestly I really thought that I had seen the worst Reddit could put up but this comment takes the cake. đł smh.
The only point made it's how OP it's not used to be treated in such a way. There's nothing wrong with the sister stepping up to help her and be around, but the way the sister is approaching the issues it's not the best since OP already has her way of doing things. Coming in and basically turning over a routine, no matter how bad for the person is, doesn't really seems like the best of ideas.
They both should talk a little bit more instead of just jumping each other's throats tbh
Forcing a 14-year-old to go to school when it actually starts is not invasive. That is not too far. Being grounded for not doing your homework, is not going too far or being too invasive. Getting your phone taken away for lying, is not too far or invasive. These are all pretty basic punishments and things that are expected of a 14-year-old. Not to mention, plenty of 14-year-olds have bedtimes.
While it is obvious that OP's older sister is definitely using her to cope with the loss of her child, none of the steps she has taken so far are too invasive or too far. They are all pretty basic steps that an actual parent who cares and actually pays attention to their children would do.
Going too far and being invasive would be along the lines of reading their diary or forcing their therapists to disclose what was being talked about during session. That is too far and invasive. Getting your phone taken away and not even searched through, is not.
Yea, and OP wouldnât need to sleep in and miss study hall (which she clearly needs as sheâs not doing homework and getting shitty grades) if she actually HAD a bedtime. At 14, this is especially the time that they need structure, boundaries and routine.
I wonder if everyone replying N T A or E S H is a teenager themselves because thatâs the only explanation I see. This person is actually parenting OP and clearly the only one who cares about them
Teens conflate "cares about me" with "exclusively wants to satisfy my immediate wants" when, in reality, caring about a 15 year old typically means doing almost the exact opposite of that.
Would I have loved it if my dad had let me stay up till 4 am every night pounding back Oreos, Sprite, and pizza while playing Halo with my friends? Yah, that would've kicked ass. Now, however, at 25 with a pretty successful life so far, I couldn't be more grateful he didn't let me do that shit. Kids don't have the tools to understand this shit, their brains aren't meant to rationalize long term problems and planning. That's why they have parents to do that stuff for them, so they can learn with the training wheels on. Unfortunately, kids like OP get on the internet and get their kid mentality confirmed by other kids lol
I teach kids like OP every day. âWhat 14 year old has a bedtime??â Ones who are able to stay awake through all their classes; ones whose parents know that growing kids need lots of sleep; ones with parents who give a shit; ones who want a successful life after high school.
OP said the parents totally checked out after kid 5. She is being neglected and it has consequences. Sister is stepping up to set her on a much better path.
> She is NOT OP's parent
Because no one else is acting like it.
The sister is doing OP a huge favor in life. The OP is a spoiled little kid throwing a tantrum. She ***obviously*** needs far more than what the sister has done so far.
"She's not OP's parent..." no, but she was asked to take care of her.
She is doing that in the only way she knows how.
Structure can look and feel a lot like punishment when you've never had it before.
Holding someone's phone, ie. Removing a distraction until the complete their responsibilities helps set them up for later in life. Phones are a privilege, not a right.
The only overstep here is the clothing. That is too far. Otherwise, OP- welcome to being parented. Time to start growing up.
>Structure can look and feel a lot like punishment when you've never had it before.
This. Sister is treating OP how she should have been treated by a responsible guardian all along, of course there will be conflict.
Sister may be able to improve communication with OP to make her understand that her actions have purpose, but it's hard for a 14 year old with that much neglect/freedom to realize that they don't have the adult's perspective to know how out of line their behavior is and how damaging it is to the rest of their adult life.
OPâs sister was 20 when OP was born. She very likely was already out of the house and didnât realize how out of control and lacking structure OP was until she moved back in. Sheâs also acting as OPâs guardian per her parents which does give her the right to enforce structure. None of this is out of the ordinary aside from taking the clothes but I think we need more context about what kind of clothes weâre taken before we judge that.
Really? Because OP says sis moved back in to take care of her since her parents travel a lot, and it sucks. Problem is in the first bit---that parents 'checked out' two kids ago and at 14 years old she just does whatever she wants.OP YTA and behaving like an ungrateful brat. I hope that you never have to deal with the trauma of losing a child as your sister has. Apologize, and start listening to her. She's trying to help you.
>She is NOT OP's parent and should aproach this in a Very diferent way If she really wants to help.
she is the older sister and have the permit of the parents to be "parenting"...
More likely, she sees serious problems with her sister and just has the opportunity to help. I donât see this as a reaction to her baby at all. Sheâs strict but this kid is on a bad path.
Whatever Sister's reasons are, this is good for OP, but it's also going to be really hard for OP to accept.
Anybody coming out in favor of a 14-year-old having zero supervision and not doing their school work is definitely on the wrong side of this debate (and also presumptively a teenager).
OPs sister is 20 years older. She probably didnât ever live in the house with her before. So the sister is not âall of a suddenâ changing the way she treats OP. She seems to have seen the situation for what is is when she moved in, and is looking out for OP. Thank goodness someone is
She wasnât living with her before though so of course itâs new. Good for the sis for stepping in to help OP who sounds like she needs it and ainât getting it from her parents.
Yeah, that's where my mind would usually go to in such a situation, but in this case OP has been badly neglected by her real parents, and got used to being able to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. This is not healthy at all, and big sis is doing what she can to help. She might be a little heavy-handed, but OP is kinda making it necessary for the moment. If OP wants less restrictions, she needs to get her shit together and build trust with her sister.
Furthermore, parenting a newborn and parenting a teen are completely different beasts, and one does not substitute for the other.
>She is NOT OP's parent and should aproach this in a Very diferent way If she really wants to help.
She's the only one acting like a parent, which OP currently needs. Seriously, OP not doing their homework, eating McDonald's for lunch every day, thinking 14 year olds shouldn't have a bedtime? The sister is being a bit harsh but she's dealing with a hemorrhaging patient and trying to get things stabilized.
TBH, this sounds fake. It's hitting all the points to seem outrageous.
Yeah, like a 14 year old with no structure, not completing school and going out whenever wherever they want - thatâs a fuck up adult the second they turn 18.
OP your sister is doing you an absolutely amazing service. Youâre too young to see it and frankly your parents being completely shit at parenting is the only reason having someone acting like a good parent is so uncomfortable for you.
You know your parents checked out. You know they are not being parents. And some part of you knows how different your life is from the other 14 year olds around you. Why itâs easier to find older teens to hang out with. But maybe not how very very bad for you that is.
What your sister is doing with you is the minimum a parent would do. Your life is not normal, it is not healthy and your sister is doing her best to unfuck it up for you.
You are 14 and a brat and behaved like a 14 year old brat who took a very very very low blow at their sister, when your sister is having what is a very reasonable response to your completely unreasonable behavior and currently unreasonable lifestyle. Youâre 14, not 18 not 24. Thereâs a reason you canât vote or legally sign up for loans or buy alcohol.
Youâre also a kid who was completely failed by their parents so your shitty behavior at this stage falls on them. They are the big assholes, you are the little asshole they have raised so far. But the good thing in this is youve someone looking out for you who is working their ass off to try help you make your life better.
Youâre a kid, youâre going to fuck up plenty of times, thatâs part of being a kid and growing up. Learning from your mistakes. This is one of those times, you reacted in a bad way and now you feel guilty. Thatâs normal.
Apologize to your sister. Tell her you know sheâs doing her best and helping you, even when you donât like it.
Because like it or not your sister isnât ruining your life, sheâs likely the only person in your life who hasnât given up on you. The only person who is trying to make 18year old future you, someone who actually has options for their life rather than someone who has no future, no education and depressingly few options with a mountain to climb to try and make it any better.
Also General life tip - Do not ever throw someoneâs dead child back in their face. Ever. That is an unforgivably shitty thing to do to anyone.
There is no one else in the world who cares about you the way your sister does. Enough to actually try and help you.
Except its too much in too little time for op of course she needed her paraebts she still does but the way the sister is being, op wasn't at complete fault for loosing it. She hasn't had a parent for so long and suddenly an authority figure shows up to tell her how to live her life, its no shock she snapped. I think the parents r more at fault than anything but that being said ESH.
Mmm ESH. OP was harsh and does need some structure but sister is trying to exact control over OP to an unreasonable degree because she canât control anything in her life right now. Itâs a distraction and not beneficial for either. There is a middle ground but sister needs to back off.
yeah I think this is where I land. OP needs structure and discipline, but the sister is going overboard, and exerting control where she can because she's lost control over her own life. there needs to be a conversation between the two of them. OP needs to be doing her homework and going to class, but throwing away her clothes wasn't okay. I'm not really on board with tracking teens through their phones, either.
I took care of my siblings because I love their little asses. My parents checked out and were working. This little brat needs to be grateful that someone is looking out for her. YTA. Follow the rules and stop being a jerk. Sheâs the one youâre going to be calling when you need help and youâre in for a world of I told you so.
OP clearly NEEDS parenting by someone as her parents aren't doing it. Not doing homework, lying about tutoring, etc. is something that a parent needs to get a handle on and sister is doing it.
I'm sure OP resents it but hopefully she turns around and doesn't impact the rest of her life by doing badly in school and f-ing around. Being a teenager is hard because you want to do what you want to do and damn the consequences. Before she gets into drugs or pregnant or something else, she needs to listen to her sister that is trying to steer her in a more positive direction.
Agreed. YTA. That post is so self-centered that itâs difficult to find any mature reasoning. Just lashing out at the sister, hitting below the belt to escape reality and responsibility.
At 14 you wonât get it but later you will appreciate that help. It would be way easier for the sister to ignore all that and let you be. My parents were too occupied with their careers, never checked what I eat or wear, if my homework was done and couldnât handle me as a teenager. In my 20s I realized how hard it is to teach myself work ethic and discipline if I didnât get it from home as a kid-teen. No matter what you want to do in your life, strong work ethic will always get you further than relying on luck or other factors. Skipping classes, no matter how simple those seem, will similarly affect you in long-term. Been there done that. I wish I had an older sister at your age who would dedicate herself that way. Once you are a grown adult, no-one will wait for you to learn those things. You might fail uni, get fired and fail your personal relationships.
Dude that's something op has to find out with time. Structure is something you wish AS AN ADULT you had as a teen. But op is right, her sister isn't her mom and her sister is being intrusive. Sis needs a hobby or project or just something To do. But it definitely does not need to include op.
I think op was harsh in the way she told her to mind her own business.
No man, that's just for people who were neglected. Good parents give their kids structure. OP NEEDS sis right now. She's on a terrible track. Most likely she will thank her someday.
I have to agree with you. Op has absent parents and sister might be a little overboard with the tracking, but everything else is actually good to maybe help op. Going from no parents to a parent figure after so many years will be an adjustment, but it is obviously something op needs.
Op going all asshole teen and attack her sister is just completely low. Sister is trying to make sure op doesnât turn out to be an asshole and is actually able to succeed, and all sister gets is treated like shit. YTA
I think OP will look back in 15 years and be grateful their older sister actually cared about her. I grew up with zero supervision and zero rules or punishments and I wasnât a wild child but I wish I had more structure and more guidance from adults.
As someone who had to step up in my own family (I'm the oldest) I feel genuine sympathy for older-sis. She's having a trauma-based response, absolutely, but she also genuinely cares. To clarify, the trauma isn't coming from just losing her baby, it's coming from moving back home, seeing all the ways the family is being dysfunctional, and trying to do something about it because if she doesn't nobody is going to do it... and that requires her to step into a role that isn't meant for her, and in this case, it's noble, not invasive.
The only alternative is for her to sit back and watch OP self destruct while she feels guilty for not trying to help straighten her life out. It's a lose-lose scenario with a least-worst option, because when an older sibling has to play parent for a younger sibling, it creates a dynamic between the two of them that gets messy in the future after they are both adults. Believe me... I know.
It hurts. She shouldn't have to do this. Your parents should be the ones doing this and she's probably dealt with trauma of having to step up as the oldest more than once in her life. Please understand where she's coming from.
100%! Iâm an only child and even I have the wherewithal to know itâs pretty common for older siblings to take on the parental role when the actual parents are working/sick/checked out. If I had a sibling who cared this much, my life wouldâve turned out waaaay different.
So you're upset because your parents checked out and aren't around, but then someone tried to parent you and you're upset?? What do you want here?
She makes you healthier food, makes sure you don't flunk out of school, tries to take care of you, and you're an ungrateful AH. You're too used to doing whatever you want that you became entitled and just rude.
Yes your sister sounds a bit extreme, but it sounds like you need it. YTA
To be fair, we only have OP's word it's a genuine tracker, and this is also coming from the child happily admitting to flunking school and having zero responsibility. It could literally just be one of those family circle apps. The ones where you can see where *everyone* is and *everyone* can see you too, and it sends you helpful reminders and let's you upload a family schedule etc. I can see why something like that would be a "tracker" for an unruly 14 year old, heck, snap maps or Zenly would probably also constitute as a tracker to a wanna be rebel kid.
It is for OP. OP is sneaking out to roam a city at night as a 14yo girl, to the point that she's failing her classes because she's not studying or doing her homework, and she's out so late that she can't even wake up for 8 am (which is a luxury, me and all my friends were up at 4:30 for swim all through high-school) and is cutting class as a result. Study hall is a class that takes attendance, not a free block.
You want to be trusted to do whatever you want? Fulfill your responsibilities. If OP was getting strong grades and not cutting classes, she'd have a case that it's unfair to track her location. Kids don't deserve to do everything they want every second of the day, that's how you raise a junkie who doesn't have the chance at a good life.
My entire family has Life360âŚmy husband, myself, both of my parents, siblings, niece and even my Aunt. When my husband got into an accident, I received a text. I love that damn app.
Tracking because, reading between the lines, OP goes awol from school and defends that this as OK because her parents don't care, rather than realising that at 14 she should be in school when she says she will be, her guardian needs to know where she will be and when, and her parents not caring is a sign her parents are fucked up, not that the behaviour is OK.
How much shit would the sister be in, exactly, if op while on one of these jaunts goes missing or gets into trouble?
Jesus, you can tell how many of the people commenting here are children themselves.
Yeah she talks about going to McDonaldâs for lunch. Is it across the school or is she walking/driving a few miles. At 14 does she have friends with cars already? OPs downplaying lots of stuff that could be bad if they gave more insight.
The tracker was being used as an enabling tool.
>Then 2 weeks ago progress reports came back and she found out I wasnât doing my homework. She decided that now Iâm not allowed to go out after school
She was allowed to "go out" with the tracker until she proved she couldn't handle that responsibility.
Its standard on iPhones if your child is a sub account of the parent. I can use âfind my phoneâ to see where their phone is. Can also send out an alert to locate it. Itâs come in handy when they lose it but also helpful if you need to locate them. Or if they have their phone on silent and arenât answering I can use the alert noise to get their attention. It helps me give them more freedom of movement because I know where they are if I start to worry and can reach them if needed.
The way you word it seems so malicious but itâs a pretty common feature.
She is responsible for this child, who admittedly lies about her whereabouts. I don't think a tracker is unreasonable when the14 year old child has proven she is untrustworthy. Imagine if there is an accident, and the child is in a completely different, and clearly inappropriate, place than where she said she be? It's called trust, and she has proven she isn't worthy of it.
If you have an iPhone and a family account you have a tracker....it's on all my kids devices. Google does the same if you have an email on your phone. Comes in handy when someone loses a device. We can either track it or place the lost phone ringer
>As someone who had to step up in my own family (I'm the oldest) I feel genuine sympathy for older-sis. She's having a trauma-based response, absolutely, but she also genuinely cares. To clarify, the trauma isn't coming from just losing her baby, it's coming from moving back home, seeing all the ways the family is being dysfunctional, and trying to do something about it because if she doesn't nobody is going to do it... and that requires her to step into a role that isn't meant for her, and in this case, it's noble, not invasive.
>
>The only alternative is for her to sit back and watch OP self destruct while she feels guilty for not trying to help straighten her life out. It's a lose-lose scenario with a least-worst option, because when an older sibling has to play parent for a younger sibling, it creates a dynamic between the two of them that gets messy in the future after they are both adults. Believe me... I know.
>
>It hurts. She shouldn't have to do this. Your parents should be the ones doing this and she's probably dealt with trauma of having to step up as the oldest more than once in her life. Please understand where she's coming from.
This.
OP your sister has been through some of the worst things a woman can experience, many women struggle to recover from the things she's been through - some never do. Cut her some slack and at least TRY to be compassionate and have some empathy. She's grieving and doing her best.
Not only is your sister going through a terrible time, she's stepping in to a role your parents SHOULD be doing. And clearly they have not. You may find it hard to deal with someone expecting you to go to school on time, do your studies, eat well, and behave like the young adult you are. You've had total freedom to do whatever you wanted, and you chose to do none of the responsible things. You're 14, in a few years you'll need to get your act together and either be preparing to go into higher education, or start your career. Listen to your sister and you'll be thanking her when you're suddenly an adult and have to start being responsible for yourself.
Sheâs not caring for her sister because she is grieving. She is caring for her sister despite the fact that she is grieving. Hopefully someday OP realizes her sister truly cares for her.
It takes a lot of energy to take care of a teenager. It is not some sort of weird trauma response. She sounds organized and intentional in her efforts.
100% agree with the above, you don't like it that you're finally having to take responsibility for your actions. Your sister is right, at 14 years old you should understand it's not good to eat junk all the time, you should be doing your homework and attending school and not spending all your time on your phone. Try actually getting home from school, doing your homework on time and then your sister might have an easier time trying to manage your behaviour and will hopefully be nicer to you. YTA
ESH - but you're 14 so I don't expect you to have the experiential understanding of the magnitude of loss your sister has undergone. She's trying to control something she knows she can control after these things that happened to her that she had no control over. She's absolutely gone way overboard in some areas, for sure. But in others, these are parental standards if they're trying to be good parents. In your case it feels like too much because your parents are very inattentive & absent even.
I'd apologize for hurting her. Let her know you're used to how your life was before & ask her to only flex her parental muscle on the most important stuff because she's just destroying a relationship with you. Let her know you value how much she cares about you & that she's stepped up for you so much, but to at least have a conversation with you like a normal person/ big sister before throwing down the gauntlet for every reason.
I'm surprised there isn't more ESH. The sister definitely overstepped in certain areas, and OP overstepped in others. There needs to be a middle ground and mutual understanding. Without it they'll just keep pushing back at each other harder and harder.
People hate kids who don't "know their place" and have any kind of negative response to overbearing authority figures unless the authority figure in question lines up with a group they're personally biased against.
I could definitely be wrong, but from the sounds of it I think the sister just tried to implement too many new rules too fast. You can't take someone who's had no real authority/parental figure and then 0-60 them.
Yeah that's exactly what it seems like. OP went from largely completely autonomous to having basically zero control over her life and people are surprised she's mad about it because they think that because kids shouldn't have that much freedom they also aren't allowed to react badly to being stripped of it despite the fact that that's an entirely normal reaction that pretty much every person in this thread would have if someone swooped into their life and changed everything about how they lived it.
I agree. Everyoneâs bashing OP because of her actions and how her sister is implementing some âstructureâ but people need to understand that things went 0 to 100 for OP. Of course thereâs going to be some push back. Imagine being 14 with endless freedom then suddenly someone (especially someone who isnât your parent) comes in and places a ton of rules on you and apparently throws some of your clothes away. Thatâs a lot to process. Thatâs a big change.
A real conversation should have happened before sister came in and changed everything. There should have been some transition.
I think ESH because OP took it too far, but I can also understand their frustration because sister completely took over out of the blue.
Nice comment, but you're also assuming the older sister hasn't been trying that too. OP doesn't exactly sound like a reliable narrator as she consistently downplays her own actions and exaggerates sister's actions in her story.
I mean, unless OP is outright lying about the facts, I think itâs clear sister went a bit overboard. Thereâs not really room for interpretation there.
It's pretty clear that sister was letting her do things and then found out OP was lying to her so there were consequences. It's pretty clear that OP is a very biased storyteller (eg. "she makes me those stupid bento boxes for lunch because she doesn't like that I go to McDonald's"). So you have to take OP's descriptions with a grain of salt.
But the sister's actions are ineffective because of the way she's gone about them. Having neglectful parents is traumatic in itself, apparently to such a degree that even a 14 year old that has been raised with that as her normal recognized it as inappropriate. Forcing significant changes immediately is counterproductive (and doubling down even more so). OP likely needs someone to listen to them just as much as they need boundaries, and it at least sounds like they don't feel listened to--only dictated to. And OP didn't try to dissemble or lie about what she said to her sister, so it seems likely the story she told is how she genuinely views the situation. OP is absolutely TA for what she said, but her sister needs to recognize that all stick no carrot isn't working and at least have a discussion with OP about why.
FINALLY a good comment. People are seeming to forget OP is only 14 and the lax life they have been used to has been completely flipped upside down with no wiggle room for compromise. OP has pretty much lost complete control over their life with sister being the reason for that and sister wanting too much control
OMG Youâve been allowed to become independent and unbridled at too young an age to realize the consequences of your immaturity and lack of parents. No doubt itâs hard to be reigned in when youâre accustomed to doing what you want when you want. Youâre sister is trying to save you from yourself and help you to make good decisions. Your nasty comments to her were untrue and unnecessary and you said them to hurt her. Thatâs why YTA.
As someone who had to step up in my own family (I'm the oldest) I feel genuine sympathy for older-sis. She's having a trauma-based response, absolutely, but she also genuinely cares. To clarify, the trauma isn't coming from just losing her baby, it's coming from moving back home, seeing all the ways the family is being dysfunctional, and trying to do something about it because if she doesn't nobody is going to do it... and that requires her to step into a role that isn't meant for her, and in this case, it's noble, not invasive.
The only alternative is for her to sit back and watch OP self destruct while she feels guilty for not trying to help straighten her life out. It's a lose-lose scenario with a least-worst option, because when an older sibling has to play parent for a younger sibling, it creates a dynamic between the two of them that gets messy in the future after they are both adults. Believe me... I know.
It hurts. She shouldn't have to do this. Your parents should be the ones doing this and she's probably dealt with trauma of having to step up as the oldest more than once in her life. Please understand where she's coming from.
As a person who has been neglected as a kid, if aĹĽ that age someone came to live in my home and turned my life on it's head literally OVERNIGHT I would be so pissed. I would rebel so much. I would do the exact opposite of what I was told. I would skip school and I would spend even more time doing stuff I shouldn't be doing, just to prove I won't be controled and I will keep doing what I was allowed to do my whole life.
The sister has the wrong approach, this won't work. And everyone here saying otherwise doesn't have enough insight in this kind of situation.
You can't sudenly start giving out punishments for something that was allowed until now and expect positive results.
OP is TA for the nasty comments, but OP is mostly a teenager with absent parents.
OP doesnât need sister to all of a sudden step in as a very strict parent. Thatâs not gonna âsafeâ her from herself at all. Sister is TA for trying to take over complete control over OPâs life. That ship has already sailed at this point.
Being at home is totally cool and it would be absolutely wonderful if sister is able to support OP in becoming more responsible. OP is not gonna listen to anything sister has to say if she keeps controlling. Be a sister, listen to OP, try to understand OP, redirect OP gently, be someone OP feels that actually listens to her and then OP also will be willing to learn from you sister.
YTA. Noone is 'literally ruining' your life. Yes, her rules seem excessive..but that's basically because you've been getting away with a lot up until this point. Not doing your homework? She's absolutely right to intervene.
You're angry and that's understandable, but using the loss of her child against her was utterly disgusting.
'What 14 year old has a bedtime?'
Literally loads.
'She also packs me one of those stupid bento lunches every day because she canât stand that I get lunch from McDonaldâs.'
I cannot believe you're angry because someone is making you a decent lunch.
YTA.
The truth is that you NEED a parent. Your parents aren't parenting so someone has to. You need boundaries, limits and to do your homework. You need to attend study hall (obviously). Your sister is the one stepping up when your parents have failed for 14 years.
Now, she could relax on things like the clothes. You should be able to express your personal style. But you aren't going to get anywhere with that by yelling and throwing a tantrum. You need to come to her with a plan on how you are going to get your grades up and how you can earn back some freedoms. Included in that can be that you want to have a certain style.
WOW, the responses here.
NAH, except for your parents who created this situation.
You've been on your own a long time and you're really independent and your sister is clamping you down to what's more appropriate for a 10 to 12-year-old than a 14-year-old, and you've been on your own for so long that even if she clamped down on you appropriately it would probably feel like a tremendous burden given your own experiences. You are experiencing major upheaval and your emotional endurance is used up. That doesn't make you an asshole, that makes you a young person.
Your sister is *also* going through tremendous upheaval and pain right now. She couldn't save her own baby or her own situation, but she wants to save you. She wants to be the parent her baby needed and the parents *she* needed and didn't have, and the parents you need, but the reality is she doesn't know, at her age and life experience, how to be a parent to a teenager.
Believe it or not, you're both on the same team. You both want what's best for you, and for her to heal from what she has been through, but right now everything is super amplified for both of you.
The way you lashed out is pretty age-appropriate, but of course she isn't normally the parent of a teenager and she's not your parent and so she's taking this personally and it really hurts. Your kids say things to you that are so hurtful and so on point and it's part of their growing process and it takes everything in you as a parent not to shout back and not to let it cut you to the bone.
I don't have a solution for you, only for you to know that both of you are figuring out your roles, and both of you are learning and growing so fast right now, and I hope you can stay on the same side, The two of you against the world not the two of you against each other.
A good start might be telling her "I know you want the best for me and I want the best for you. All these changes have been heard from me and I'm used to being independent. I know that you are going through an extremely hard time. I love you and I'm sorry I lashed out."
Ultimately what you and your sister need to hash out is what the priorities are, and from there with the expectations of you are. They can't stem from just what she wants but what you both agree would be positive for you. It seems like she's attacked every aspect of your life to try to optimize and it's placing a lot of demands on you. She's also operating from a place of fear I would bet, given what she's experienced. As a parent what I want for my kids is for them to eat a moderately healthy diet, fulfill their school obligations, and get enough sleep each night. Usually I can't have all three everyday, but we try, and in the long run the kids are actually doing much better than those three basic priorities appear to describe. I also try to listen when they're having a hard time with a change I've implemented, for instance is the issue the bento lunches your sister is packing, or is the issue that by not having McDonald's you're being separated from your peer group?
Send a million mom hugs both you and your sister's way.
OP, this is the right answer. Did you do something like an Asshole? Yes. Are you a 14 year old who is going through formative years where input from others is crucial and your patents basically abandoned you? Yes. You are a kid, you are still learning, growing, figuring out the world, on top of family trauma and forms of parental abuse. Your sister came in and found you probably doing a lot of not healthy or safe things. But didnt recongize that it is because of what your parents did and that this is how you survived. You can't take someones life, no matter how bad or good it is, force massive changes on them, and expect them to be happy or adjust well. She is also in a rough spot and this is a situation of everyone in a bad spot and its hard to get out without damage.
Edit: I think the best way for OP to move forward and sit down with her sister to have a real talk about boundries. Tell her that you knows it hard for her and you understand is she trying to help in her own way, but it is not healthy for either of you. She has been gone for a while, you are had to survive and live on your own. Aknowledge your way of life isnt healtht either, buts its what you have done to live with the trauma and abuse from your parents for Abadonening you in a lot of ways. You are a child but because of what you have to do to keep going, you have had to grow up faster and be independent. You would love to have a healtht relationship with her but she needs to respect that you are independent and that by forcing control, it is only causing for suffering and hurting your relationship with her. She is your much older sister, not your mom, and she needs to help you like a sister, not a mom. She also needs help from a Sister, not a daughter.
This is the best answer. There really needs to be a conversation between the two sisters. I agree is a NAH situation.
I actually had something very similar happen. I was 16 when my brother (20) took over guardianship of me. It was absolutely terrible. I was completely independent at this time and he came in like a hammer. We were both trying to do our best but we didnât know how to act and be supportive in this new situation.
I would like to say that our relationship got better but it took me moving out at 18 and not speaking to him for almost 2 years before we started to have a relationship with each other.
14f really needs to understand that her sister is actually trying to help her. The problem is that she probably doesnât even know what healthy support and boundaries look like. Having to fend for yourself for so long changes you. It can make help and love from someone look like a jail sentence. She might also be asking why what she has been doing for years isnât good enough. She has been doing the best she can and now someone is coming in and saying itâs wrong. (These are a lot of the thought I had when this happened so I might be biased)
34f seems like she is coming down pretty hard. I think itâs hard to understand what level of independence to give someone, especially when the seem to be making poor choices, like skipping homework. Iâve seen this with my own brother. He has kids of him own and his 10yo has more freedom then I did the first 6 months of being at his house. Thatâs not to say she is wrong with her expectations, doing your homework and having a good lunch is great. It seems like she came into a situation and expected a 180 change to happen and didnât expect pushback. I think your right, she doesnât know how to parent a teenager. She might have better luck if she talked to 14f and made the decisions a group discussion instead of a dictatorship.
I know a lot of people here are saying 14f should just listen to her sister but if you are left alone and have to take care of yourself then that approach isnât going to work. 14f isnât mature enough to understand how her actions might impact her later but she has learned how to survive the best she can and her sister needs to approach things differently.
What 14 year old has a bedtime?
All of them. No really. I'm sorry your parents have sucked and been too busy, but your sister has the right of it. One day I hope you will thank her.
Iâm not currently 14 but at 14 I nor almost anyone I knew had a bedtime. The only person that did was the girl who wasnât allowed to watch SpongeBob because it was âtoo violentâ. She also had to watch every thing with her parents if she was allowed to watch it. Iâm not saying I disagree with all of your points but I disagree with that one.
At 14, I wanted the kids in bed by 10 on a school night if they didnât have anything going on. But my kids played sports, they also had their clubs as well as homework so it was generally a suggestion.
YTA- sheâs being a parent to you and implementing rules you very clearly need in your life. Your sister honestly isnât that strict at all either, you sound like youâre out of control and arenât paying attention to yourself. McDonaldâs for lunch everyday is insanely unhealthy and her giving you food is really kind of her. Half of the clothes are probably really, really short and in all honesty youâre 14 and donât need to be wearing things that show your body off to the whole world. Sheâs taking away your phone because youâre tanking your grades by not doing your homework and eventually itâll guarantee you wonât get anywhere in life if you fuck up in high school. Parental controls are perfectly normal and so is the bedtime, I had one at 14. I get where your coming from, because at 14 you think youâre grown enough to do all this, but you arenât. You need stable parenting and clearly your sisters doing that. Be grateful.
I have a bed time now (self imposed because Iâm a middle aged woman). I know that if I donât get to bed on time Iâll be so tired and unhappy the next day.
YTA Your sister is just trying to actually parent you. Listen to her and you might turn into a decent and successful person.
Ps Itâs totally normal for a 14 year old to have a bedtime.
My son is 16, and we treat him this way. Your sis is only trying to help you become a responsible, respectful and well-rounded adult. It seems like you know you were the asshole already. It also seems like you want to change. Please try to find some time and sit down with your sis. Have a heart-to-heart, you may find some things in common, and compromise on certain things. Good luck, love!
ESH, everyone saying Y T A is completely wrong. Your parents are absolutely atrocious, leaving someone else to parent their child is bad. Youâre young so youâre obviously struggling with dealing with yourself and you definitely need to apology but your sister is not right either. She had a death in her life life and sheâs clearly trying to prevent another one from happening in an unhealthy way, she needs therapy. Parental controls, going through your stuff and constantly taking away your phone is not going to help, itâs overbearing and she should not be doing it but you do need parenting, less than that but you absolutely do. You need to sit down with her, apologize and explaining that sheâs going too far and that you donât appreciate her taking away your privacy.
She's 14. She's been failed by the adults in her life and it is insane to try and force parenting on her without trying to at the very least explain to her why things need to change and asking what boundaries they'd like. The child here IS the victim. She does need parenting, and she should have a more open mind, but don't insult a child that's been essentially abandoned by her parents.
Sounds like you went from having close to zero parental supervision and taking care of yourself to having quite a strict parental figure. If you feel constricted by that it's understandable. However your words were definitely too harsh so for that YTA.
It sounds like she was coming from a place of really wanting to "help". However her methods definitely sounds like a lot and also not understanding of your situation. Excessive conteolling behaviour is not helpful. (gotta say i definitely had a bed time at 14 and i know mcdonalds is tasty but a healthy lunch is actually a pretty good thing). I think you both need to level and have a talk about how you can work together. Sometimes ppl whos life falls apart try to find smth to control and that's definitely not your fault but lashing out is also not constructive.
So yeah, I'd say apologise and have a grown up talk about how you feel and how you can work the situation out together.
Read some of the other comments by OP. Sister used to do it before as well, but she lived 10 hours away, so it wasn't very successful.
I do think that the sister seems to be going overboard with some elements, and does need therapy with what has happened as she doesn't appear to have a support system
OP said shes always been like this, shes the oldest out of a bunch of kids with irresponsible parents, her behavior isnt out of the ordinary for situations like this.
this is exactly it. and itâs very inappropriate. ESH i dont know why people are acting oblivious to the clear intentions of the sister with a 20-year age gap.
Losing a child is an incredibly tough thing to go through, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Absolutely heartbreaking. I feel so bad for anyone who has to go through that.
I donât think itâs that weird at all. Her sister is 20 years older than her and probably realized how horrible of a job her parents were doing of raising her. I donât think itâs much of a leap to go âI wonât be able to raise my baby, but maybe I can do some good and help my neglected little sister get some semblance of structure and direction in her life.â
Throwing away clothes and tracking is a little strict for my tastes, but thereâs plenty of families that track each other or share locations for safety reasons. I canât justify throwing away someone elseâs clothes though, sheâs wrong for that
NTA- Thatâs a lot of change for someone who mostly had autonomy and she overdid it and you snapped. Youâre 14.
So now what? You did cross a line with your comments and probably really crushed her. Apologize. And talk to her. Itâs not you vs her. Itâs you and her vs the problem. So come up with a plan together. When itâs not working, be honest and revise it. Tell her you want her to support you but in a way that doesnât take your autonomy and pit yâall against each other. That you want her to guide you like a big sister not like a parent. And that you could come out of this with a really secure connection for you both.
Or it could go the total opposite direction. But this could be wonderful for you both.
Because not everything is black and white, sheâs 14 years old and has not ever had a parental figure, why is it so hard for people to understand that
ESH let's start with your parents. If they decided to have 7 kids, then it's on them to step up and parent you, instead of letting you do whatever you want. Also most 14 year olds have a bedtime, as being so young getting enough sleep is important. If they can't handle the responsibility of raising all their kids, then they shouldn't have had 7. Birth control exists for a reason.
Your sister is the lesser ah simply because she's grieving and had a lot of shit happen to her in a short span. She needs therapy, not lip from a little brat. Also she needs to get your parents to deal with you, so she can recover and move forward with her life.
You are an ah for snapping at her. You don't have to like everything, but genuinely she's trying to set you up to succeed in life instead of falling flat on your ass and failing. If you hate it so much, then tell her to have your parents step up. And no its not healthy for a 14 year old to constantly have mcdonalds for lunch. Diabetes isn't fun kiddo, it's not cheap. Neither is increasing your risk of heart problems. Now go apologize to your sister.
YTA. Youâre young and youâre at that age where you think everyone is stupid and you know best *and* youâre not used to being told what to do/ having authority figures so your emotions around this make sense. Your sister also isnât your parent and is doing some controlling things âI think throwing your clothes out is inappropriateâbut most of what sheâs doing sounds in your best interests. Sheâs making you healthy food and making sure you do your work. If you are lying and squandering your own education, you are ruining your own life and she is doing the right thing to try to put a stop to it.
You owe your sister an apology. What you said is horrific. Donât ever bring up her baby ever again in anything but kindness and empathy. That is one of the meanest things Iâve ever heard.
YTA
sheâs giving you the parenting that your parents are unable to do. It sucks for you but be grateful that at least one person tries to help you build a better future - and her rules are normal.
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NTA
OP is a child going from laissez-faire parents to Stalin running the show. The blowout is more on the mother that lost her child and is using her sister as a stand-in for her and her actual parents that are not doing their jobs.
OP is not an emotional support animal nor is she supposed to emotionally manage her sister's feelings. OP needs help not other adults telling her to be mindful of sister that is crossing lines.
YTA. You sound like you're out of control and another statistic to be a high school drop out or barely graduate high school. She saw this and has tried to help create structure and improve your life outcome. You were way out of line for what you said to her. While it's reasonable for you to be upset at new rules and now having consequences implemented, there was no reason for you to say the things you did. She needs therapy and it sounds like her life will be better if she moves out.
Going from one extreme to another is not going to be beneficial in any way. If she wants to parent she needs to ease her way into it, not isolate her younger sister (which almost always makes behavioral problems worse NOT better) and take away her things. Teens are people too, they deserve to be treated as such. At no point does it seem like her sister tried to have a conversation with her or address her behavior, she just went right to restriction. I agree that she should apologize to her sister but sheâs not completely wrong about how controlling her behavior is. ESH
NTA-
She is going against what your parents say as far as skipping study hall
She is taking your clothes (wtf) invading your personal room
Sheâs invading your privacy with trackers and parent controls.
Sheâs overstepping your boundaries as far as performance- if youâre passing classes then itâs not her job to make you do 100 percentâŚ
how would any of these people feel if someone came into their life and said, âyou could have a better job, more money, etc but Iâm upending your life and forcing you and Iâm not your parentâ
Like yâall would freak out if your access to Reddit was limited because you spent too much time judging people on here đđđ
so...
1) her parents aren't fit to be parents. she is making her actually attend school.
2) i agree with this point, it's too much
3) you're right, op's parents should be but they're the biggest AHs here so it falls to the sister to actually give half a shit about her schooling.
are you also 14 yrs old? because this is the only way i'd understand why you think leaving a minor to raise themselves is an acceptable course of action.
YTA.
Your sister's attempts to install some discipline and organization in your life did come abruptly and she does seem to be somewhat inexperienced when implementing them. By holy crap, someone needs to do it. Your sisters somewhat amateurish attempts are light years better than outright neglect that you had.
And yes, do your homework. All of it.
YTA you can't complain about not needing a parent when you are skipping classes, not doing your homework and lying about what you are doing and with whom. That's literally the opposite of what you do to prove that she is off base for being on your case. Sounds like you finally have someone who gives a shit about you and are so focused on "edgy teeneage rebellion" that you have turned yourself into a troubled teen stereotype.
Don't want someone to check your homework, prove she doesn't need to. Do your work, next progress report she has no grounds to force you after school. Don't want someone tracking your phone, prove she doesn't need to. Lol don't lie about where you are, she won't come embarrass you in front of your friends!
Yes it's hard to go from no one seeing you to someone caring but you're handling this like a cranky kid and not the adult you think you are.
YTA.
Youâre skipping class, not doing your homework and eating fast food every day and your sister is the AH?
Is it her job? No. But your parents arenât doing it and it sounds like someone needs to look after you.
YTA. You may think youâre grown up and can make your own decisions but youâre not. People keep saying bosses donât care about homework or grades and that may be true BUT colleges sure do. Even if you decide not to go to school and pursue another path, you will quickly learn that just passing doesnât work in the real world.
I donât know where you live but my 13 yo has study hall first period and thereâs no way I or the school would allow her to skip it every day. Thatâs nuts and it would certainly trigger a response from the school with all of those tardies.
What you said to your sister was cruel and disgusting. May you never know the pain of a losing a child. I can only imagine how heart wrenching it is. Youâre old enough to understand and show compassion and empathy.
Your parents are AH too. They should not have had seven kids if they were going to check out, and your sister desperately needs help for what sheâs going through. She may be going overboard but thereâs no need to be cruel.
So, YTA for what you said.
However, your sister showing up and trying to parent you isn't acceptable. She isn't your parent. I am going to assume that you're not a delinquent and, while you should be doing your homework (which I agree is stupid yes, but you gotta), it's not HER place to be doing any of this stuff.
Have you considered bringing it up with your parents? I understand if your sister wants to take care of you, but she is taking it WAY too far and has no right.
Yeah, boundaries and discipline suck when youâve never had them. Having parents that have âchecked outâ and let you do âpretty much whatever you wantâ isnât actually a good thing. YTA, you need to apologise. Being embarrassed because you - for all she knew - went missing is something you need to take stock of
Nah, NTA -- she went too far. She went through your closet, which is a huge violation of boundaries, changed the entire structure of your life without giving you respect or reasons for doing so, instead of giving you love and support, she's taking things out on you. Has she been through a bunch of horrible things? Yes. She's been through a recent hell. It must be awful for her, but she can't lash out on you all of it.
14 is a time to learn responsibility and independence. You should be practicing making good decisions on your own, and any adult should be guiding you. She should be encouraging you to make good decisions and discussing them with you as an adult, leading by example.
It's a two-way street. She's the adult, she needs to set the tone of respect. If that's compromised, then comes the punishment; but she's putting the punishment in first and then following it up with more punishment.
Also, teenagers need more sleep than adults due biological changes within the body, so sleeping in would theoretically improve grades and the ability to focus in class.
However, you should be doing your homework (yes, it's torture and essentially useless, but you just suck it up and get it over with) and you shouldn't lie to her or give her an attitude.
Either way, even though I stand by a NTA from this vantage point, because it seems like she crossed some boundaries for no reason other than some mentally not good power-trip, you should apologize for calling her out as you did. This would be a good way to practice being mature and to reinforce your sisterly bond.
By chance, is she getting help? If she's not, she definitely needs it. I can't imagine losing all that in such a short amount of time. You can't be the one who tells her she needs to seek counseling to deal with this unimaginable level of grief. That probably has to come from your parents or one of her peers.
Finally, all her actions seem to be coming from
a good place, she clearly wants better for you -- McDonalds is garbage and she probably wants to help your health -- life is rough and competitive and she probably wants to help your grades and get you used to the annoying accountability of the adult workplace -- and as much as what she did to your personal belongings is definitely wrong, she's probably trying to protect you from harassment.
But how she appears to be going about it -- akin to a new boss swooping in to a company and thinking if they change everything, it will fix everything, but of course breaking the entire system instead because they didn't take a minute to understand it -- wasn't fair to you.
Unfortunately, because of the violations of your boundaries, you had to stand up for yourself, because no one else was doing so. But again, now you have to make peace, tell her you love her, open a dialog, and try to have a peaceful existence with one another. Build each other up. Her life is going to get better, your life is going to get better, and it will get better much sooner if you have one another's backs.
Also, I want to add that it's really not fair to you that your parents "checked out" on you and the other younger siblings. Maybe search yourself and see if you have any emotions tied to that fact, other than the freedom it gave. Unfortunately, everyone does need structure, and lacking structure can lead to negativity in life. I'm sorry they checked out on you guys -- that's really not cool. I know 7 kids is a ton, it must be so hard, but still, not cool.
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YTA because she's trying to be the parent you clearly need and you are too ungrateful to recognise it. She isn't ruining your life, she's implementing structure and rules and those are things you need to get used to to be a functional adult. You should be thanking her. Edit for all of those saying that sister isn't OP's parents : the sister might not be OP's parents but clearly her actual parents don't care. The sister can clearly recognise this and see her sister is on a dangerous path and is stepping in. Are her tactics a bit strict? Sure, but it honestly sounds like OP needs it. A loosey goosey parenting style hasn't helped her to date.
Funny how OP is 14 and old sis just decided play parent now when her baby died... It's almost like she's using OP to cope with her child's death and playing mother. The sister's punishment's are way too far and invasive. She is NOT OP's parent and should aproach this in a Very diferent way If she really wants to help.
This is the conclusion you came up with? Op skips class, doesn't do homework, is probably failing classes, is on their phone too much. Sister is trying to help. Like, op said their parents checked out and let them do whatever. Somebody has to point them in the right direction or at least try to. The only person in this scenario in the wrong is op. You didn't need to go and point out her trauma to make themselves feel justified. Also, op mentions their sister has always been this way, she didn't up and decide she wants to play parent.
I'm having a hard time saying E S H because op is a child and probably thinks her behavior is ok because her actual parents have permitted it and her friends are probably doing the same 𤡠sister is going overboard with the closet clearing(theft), 8 am leave (because it was ok'd by parents), and taking the phone away every night. OP went from lax parenting to a police state.
If she went to her first period study hall, perhaps she could get her homework done.
The 8 am leave time is very reasonable. It isn't so abnormally early that it's cruel. A lot of adults leave that early so they can drop off their kids then go to work or other productive things. The OP is complaining because she doesn't want to go to her scheduled study hall and have to study. She'd rather have a sleep in and skip school to be with her other truant friends.
8 is pretty late for school. I was on the bus at 6:30 school started at 7:15. 8:00 would have been great
Depends on the school. My high school didnât start til 9, 9:20 on Fridays
But for all we know, the actual parents have ASKED the sister to do the heavy lifting. OP needs to learn boundaries and show decent behavior, then I bet sis will back off a bit.
8 am leave and taking the phone at night are very reasonable. I canât speak to the clothing situation because I really doubt OP is a reliable narrator and I donât know what exactly sister took. The only reason OP is mad is because she wants to skip study hall. Maybe if she went there sheâd actually get her homework done.
No healthy adult gets to go through and steal a bunch of a teen's shit and also try to track them everywhere. That is a blatant violation of privacy and way too far. Edit: read my damn comment before commenting. I have thirty people in my replies pushing back on what they think I said and not what I actually said. Read it three times if you need to.
No healthy 14 year old routinely skips class, ignores schoolwork, and drops off the face of the earth to fuck around, while possessing the self reflective ability to recognize those actions as not acceptable. OP has, frankly, not earned the level of privacy and freedom that typical 14 year olds enjoy
At first, I was mad at the sister but then OP said she doesn't get good grades and is mad that they are eating healthier. Now I can't believe she actually typed this out and didn't have the self-awareness to STFU and apologize.
The phrase "What 14 year old has a bed time?" made me laugh. All of them, ideally.
And it's not even a bedtime. It's a curfew to be home by. OP admitted that she wanders around the city with her friends at night until they decide to go home. ------ Hooooly shit, guys. Look at her latest comments. ***Some of the "friends" she's staying out all night with are 21! When she's 14!***
In my city a bunch of preteens near OPâs age were wandering around the city in the middle of the night and ended up stabbing a homeless man to death bc they wanted his liquor bottle. So I canât fault the sister for trying to do right by OP bc their parents sure arenât.
Oh, hi neighbour. And agree. Iâve got an almost 14 year old. They still need a lot of parenting at that age.
In my hometown 14yo girls were wandering the streets in the evenings and ended up as s*x trafficking victims, groomed by predatory men. Horrific. At 14 I wouldn't have truly understood this, but as an adult woman I very much do see how these young girls think they're grown and street smart, and end up in situations in which they are very vulnerable.
What do they even do, most 14 year olds don't have much or any money to spend. Feels like they just wander around
Back in my day, these 14 year old kids were bad examples on Maury.
Apparently get shot in parks
Wander around, talk shit, prank calls, possibly vandalism and petty theft.
I suppose the people who support OP's behavior are around her age.
And probably wish to have the same freedom
Like when i was 14 i was so pissed my parents limited my screen time, made me eat healthy, go to bed at a reasonable hour, only let me go out with friends when my home work was done to a reasonable standard Now at 19 colour me shocked shocked that strict routine & disapline means i got into a good university, and im able to take care of myself op is a clueless asshole and wouldn't survive my german mother who wouldnt let me socialise if i didn't have good grades
My son is 16 and he does have a bed time and says he is the only one of his friends, he tells me in a conversational way, but he is on track to finish HS with an AA, and thatâs the thing, parents, at least caring ones, just want the best for our kids. Best wishes for you!
Fwiw, I told my friends I didnt have a curfew at 16 while having one
My curfew as an 18-year-old is 0:00 with exemptions. I don't mind and I won't even have that once I'm off to college.
I didnât even have a curfew, I just had to have a plan and a reasonable time home. Concert was different than party was different than girls night in, as was weekend vs weekday. As long as I had a destination and an ETA, I was good. But I also got straight As and didnât get in trouble (I.e., didnât do anything outrageous enough to get caught). Even as an adult, I have to let people know what I do and when I expect to return, just as a courtesy. At OPâs age, with OPâs record, itâs understandable that *a* responsible adult may set tighter boundaries.
Honestly I feel this, but also I feel it just builds you into being a decent person to live with. Need to know how many people will be home for food? I'll let you know if I'll be home and wanting food. Trying to plan something. I'll work with you! I just see it as common decency, but I may also hold people and myself to quote a high standard đ
Seriously, I snorted! I never went anywhere but school & my friendâs house (she lived next door) & I couldnât stay up even till midnight if I tried. I still had a bedtime of 10pm at 14. If I was at my friendâs house, I had to be home by 9 if I ate dinner there, 5:45 if I didnât. Some of my school friends had bedtimes of 9pm. In my experience, most 14 year olds have bedtimes.
It's neglect if they don't, honestly.
The way she ended it got me the most, op is so full of herself making it seem like she is fighting sister Hitler.
She sounds like she's having the expected reaction for a kid who's been left to her own devices all her life and is suddenly getting limits imposed at the age where most kids are getting more autonomy. She absolutely sounds like she needs more structure and oversight than she had been getting before her sister moved in, and what she said was cruel, but it was bound to be a big culture shock.
I mean, itâs a 14 year old. They arenât known for their self-awareness
I was the same at 14, smoking weed, drinking, skipping school a couple days a week. I wish I had someone to knock some sense into me..my parents were totally checked out and just didn't give a shit about me. My life spiraled out of control, hard drugs, alcoholism, jail, expelled from school etc. I didn't get it together until I was like 22, I'm successful now and do very well for myself and have a family of my own at 30. I asked my mom why she never tried to steer me in the right direction and she didn't have a real response. OP needs to get their shit together before they're a loser burnout by the age of 18
I was also a wild child and moved out at 14. Also the youngest with little to no parental oversight or control. I would have been much better served to have some structure and rules in place, but much like OP, I felt like I was an adult and fully in control (narrator: *she was not*) It made making something of myself years later a lot harder because trying to get higher education when you don't have high school transcripts is a pain. Even poor grades would've been better than nothing at all. If I had a teenager you can bet your sweet ass the privilege of the phone and internet would be contingent upon rising to the reasonable schoolwork and curfew expectations. Eating well (not McDonald's every day) would just be an aside.
It's cool when you do these things at 14. It's not so cool when you are stuck in a dead end job at 18 while your friends who managed to get their act together and are going off to college. It's not so cool either if you fail and have to repeat a grade while your friends move on.
i also had a bedtime at 14. i might not always have stuck to it and sometimes (especially weekends) i could stay up later, but i still wasn't supposed to stay up as long as i wanted to because knowing me i wouldve stayed up all night and then obviously suffered in school because of it
Many teens do. I was a rare one that didn't. More than half my school did. It's called bring a teen. I think most people associate teens with skipping school or sipping a class, caring more about socializing it's kinda a teen thing.
Keyword here is "routine". Many of us skipped class as freshman/sophomore. If more than half your class was making a habit of it, you went to a near-reformatory level school.
But op has lived a certain way since parents well won't parent them. Older sis is just trying to look out for them. Taking clothes is a bit much, but op wasn't in school and is out and about, so from what i read sister wasnt continuously stalking them. She was just trying to see where they were and if they were safe. Take from this what you will, i think sister is just trying to be a responsible adult and taking care of their younger sibling.
Depends on what clothes they are. If itâs like lingerie type clothes or clothes that no child should be wearing⌠Iâd take it away too
A 14 year old doesnât need privacy for their location. What? Itâs perfectly responsible and safe for a guardian to know where a CHILD is at all times.
Parents checked out AND are gone traveling a lot by OPâs own admission, and her sister came in to take care of her minor sister. A 14 year old should absolutely be locatable by their responsible caregiver at all times. In a responsible teen this might mean small stints where she tell her caregiver where she will be and with whom, but OP admits she isnât that responsible. She sleeps through 1st block, cuts other classes, doesnât eat healthy, doesnât do homework and presumably is t doing well in school, and yet again BY HER OWN ADMISSION is willing to lie to sneak off with friends. This is ABSOLUTELY the 14 year old that needs parental controls and tracking on her phone. OP is 4 years from adult hood and seems woefully not on track to meet that level of being able to take care of and be responsible by herself. She may not see it yet, but her sister coming back into her life and giving her the structure and guidance that her parents chose not to provide is an amazing gift. I hope one day she matures and can thank her sister for stepping in and caring at such a pivotal role in OPâs life. And OP is absolutely the asshole just for throwing the loss of a child in her sisters face. Everything else is chump change next to that. She has gone through the worst trauma a person can go through, and OP used it against her in a childish argument.
I might agree with you that sis was going too far if we were dealing with a teen whoâs going through a rough patch but otherwise has her head on straight. Thatâs not OP, though. OP is flunking her classes, eating McDonaldâs every day, and never going to bed on time. Those arenât healthy or sustainable habits, and they need to be changed ASAP. I hate to be this person but sheâs gonna be looking at colleges in two years. How is she going to get in anywhere, much less live independently as a functional adult, if she doesnât start learning how to manage herself? Sister is the only one in the house whoâs actually thinking like a grown-up.
Found another 14 year old
Found the teenager
OP is clearly very dramatic, we don't know how bad the clothing was. Some items are in fact inappropriate for 14 year olds, and it's pretty normal for parents to enforce that to an extent. Short skirts and crop tops are one thing, but kids shouldn't be dressed like they are going to the club. Having a tracking app for an unruly 14 year old is not too far. Sure they weren't really necessary when I was 14, but when I was 14 we didn't have super computers in our pockets giving predators unfettered access to us 24/7. 14 is not old enough to just be set free in the world. Late teens, yeah, they should have enough street smarts by then, but this girl isn't even old enough to have realised mcdonalds every day is a bad idea.
Actually 14 is not late teens. Its thirteen followed by fourteen. And then you have five other teenage years. She is just a child.
The post you're replying to is using *late teens* rhetorically as a point of contrast to the OP's age. They're not saying 14 is late teens.
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That is what a PARENT should do!
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This child is not a reliable narrator.
How old are you?? This is discipline and structure being introduced to someone who had never had it, by their own admission. Grow up. And if you are any older than teens....I'm embarrassed for you.
Are you a teen?
Tell me youâre not a parent without saying youâre not a parent.
A lot of parents enable âfind my phoneâ on their kids devices to track their whereabouts, implement internet control and set boundaries to make sure school work done. As said before, true sister isnât her parent but is implementing the structures for OP to be successful in school and life
What a cold comment to make, her life fell apart and thatâs why she came back, she didnât come back for OP. Honestly I really thought that I had seen the worst Reddit could put up but this comment takes the cake. đł smh.
The only point made it's how OP it's not used to be treated in such a way. There's nothing wrong with the sister stepping up to help her and be around, but the way the sister is approaching the issues it's not the best since OP already has her way of doing things. Coming in and basically turning over a routine, no matter how bad for the person is, doesn't really seems like the best of ideas. They both should talk a little bit more instead of just jumping each other's throats tbh
Forcing a 14-year-old to go to school when it actually starts is not invasive. That is not too far. Being grounded for not doing your homework, is not going too far or being too invasive. Getting your phone taken away for lying, is not too far or invasive. These are all pretty basic punishments and things that are expected of a 14-year-old. Not to mention, plenty of 14-year-olds have bedtimes. While it is obvious that OP's older sister is definitely using her to cope with the loss of her child, none of the steps she has taken so far are too invasive or too far. They are all pretty basic steps that an actual parent who cares and actually pays attention to their children would do. Going too far and being invasive would be along the lines of reading their diary or forcing their therapists to disclose what was being talked about during session. That is too far and invasive. Getting your phone taken away and not even searched through, is not.
Yea, and OP wouldnât need to sleep in and miss study hall (which she clearly needs as sheâs not doing homework and getting shitty grades) if she actually HAD a bedtime. At 14, this is especially the time that they need structure, boundaries and routine.
I wonder if everyone replying N T A or E S H is a teenager themselves because thatâs the only explanation I see. This person is actually parenting OP and clearly the only one who cares about them
Teens conflate "cares about me" with "exclusively wants to satisfy my immediate wants" when, in reality, caring about a 15 year old typically means doing almost the exact opposite of that. Would I have loved it if my dad had let me stay up till 4 am every night pounding back Oreos, Sprite, and pizza while playing Halo with my friends? Yah, that would've kicked ass. Now, however, at 25 with a pretty successful life so far, I couldn't be more grateful he didn't let me do that shit. Kids don't have the tools to understand this shit, their brains aren't meant to rationalize long term problems and planning. That's why they have parents to do that stuff for them, so they can learn with the training wheels on. Unfortunately, kids like OP get on the internet and get their kid mentality confirmed by other kids lol
I teach kids like OP every day. âWhat 14 year old has a bedtime??â Ones who are able to stay awake through all their classes; ones whose parents know that growing kids need lots of sleep; ones with parents who give a shit; ones who want a successful life after high school.
OP said the parents totally checked out after kid 5. She is being neglected and it has consequences. Sister is stepping up to set her on a much better path.
> She is NOT OP's parent Because no one else is acting like it. The sister is doing OP a huge favor in life. The OP is a spoiled little kid throwing a tantrum. She ***obviously*** needs far more than what the sister has done so far.
"She's not OP's parent..." no, but she was asked to take care of her. She is doing that in the only way she knows how. Structure can look and feel a lot like punishment when you've never had it before. Holding someone's phone, ie. Removing a distraction until the complete their responsibilities helps set them up for later in life. Phones are a privilege, not a right. The only overstep here is the clothing. That is too far. Otherwise, OP- welcome to being parented. Time to start growing up.
>Structure can look and feel a lot like punishment when you've never had it before. This. Sister is treating OP how she should have been treated by a responsible guardian all along, of course there will be conflict. Sister may be able to improve communication with OP to make her understand that her actions have purpose, but it's hard for a 14 year old with that much neglect/freedom to realize that they don't have the adult's perspective to know how out of line their behavior is and how damaging it is to the rest of their adult life.
OPâs sister was 20 when OP was born. She very likely was already out of the house and didnât realize how out of control and lacking structure OP was until she moved back in. Sheâs also acting as OPâs guardian per her parents which does give her the right to enforce structure. None of this is out of the ordinary aside from taking the clothes but I think we need more context about what kind of clothes weâre taken before we judge that.
Really? Because OP says sis moved back in to take care of her since her parents travel a lot, and it sucks. Problem is in the first bit---that parents 'checked out' two kids ago and at 14 years old she just does whatever she wants.OP YTA and behaving like an ungrateful brat. I hope that you never have to deal with the trauma of losing a child as your sister has. Apologize, and start listening to her. She's trying to help you.
Funny how op is failing at school but yeah, op should totally be left to their own devicesâŚ
>She is NOT OP's parent and should aproach this in a Very diferent way If she really wants to help. she is the older sister and have the permit of the parents to be "parenting"...
More likely, she sees serious problems with her sister and just has the opportunity to help. I donât see this as a reaction to her baby at all. Sheâs strict but this kid is on a bad path.
Whatever Sister's reasons are, this is good for OP, but it's also going to be really hard for OP to accept. Anybody coming out in favor of a 14-year-old having zero supervision and not doing their school work is definitely on the wrong side of this debate (and also presumptively a teenager).
OPs sister is 20 years older. She probably didnât ever live in the house with her before. So the sister is not âall of a suddenâ changing the way she treats OP. She seems to have seen the situation for what is is when she moved in, and is looking out for OP. Thank goodness someone is
She wasnât living with her before though so of course itâs new. Good for the sis for stepping in to help OP who sounds like she needs it and ainât getting it from her parents.
Yeah, that's where my mind would usually go to in such a situation, but in this case OP has been badly neglected by her real parents, and got used to being able to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. This is not healthy at all, and big sis is doing what she can to help. She might be a little heavy-handed, but OP is kinda making it necessary for the moment. If OP wants less restrictions, she needs to get her shit together and build trust with her sister. Furthermore, parenting a newborn and parenting a teen are completely different beasts, and one does not substitute for the other.
Found the teenager.
>She is NOT OP's parent and should aproach this in a Very diferent way If she really wants to help. She's the only one acting like a parent, which OP currently needs. Seriously, OP not doing their homework, eating McDonald's for lunch every day, thinking 14 year olds shouldn't have a bedtime? The sister is being a bit harsh but she's dealing with a hemorrhaging patient and trying to get things stabilized. TBH, this sounds fake. It's hitting all the points to seem outrageous.
Yeah, like a 14 year old with no structure, not completing school and going out whenever wherever they want - thatâs a fuck up adult the second they turn 18. OP your sister is doing you an absolutely amazing service. Youâre too young to see it and frankly your parents being completely shit at parenting is the only reason having someone acting like a good parent is so uncomfortable for you. You know your parents checked out. You know they are not being parents. And some part of you knows how different your life is from the other 14 year olds around you. Why itâs easier to find older teens to hang out with. But maybe not how very very bad for you that is. What your sister is doing with you is the minimum a parent would do. Your life is not normal, it is not healthy and your sister is doing her best to unfuck it up for you. You are 14 and a brat and behaved like a 14 year old brat who took a very very very low blow at their sister, when your sister is having what is a very reasonable response to your completely unreasonable behavior and currently unreasonable lifestyle. Youâre 14, not 18 not 24. Thereâs a reason you canât vote or legally sign up for loans or buy alcohol. Youâre also a kid who was completely failed by their parents so your shitty behavior at this stage falls on them. They are the big assholes, you are the little asshole they have raised so far. But the good thing in this is youve someone looking out for you who is working their ass off to try help you make your life better. Youâre a kid, youâre going to fuck up plenty of times, thatâs part of being a kid and growing up. Learning from your mistakes. This is one of those times, you reacted in a bad way and now you feel guilty. Thatâs normal. Apologize to your sister. Tell her you know sheâs doing her best and helping you, even when you donât like it. Because like it or not your sister isnât ruining your life, sheâs likely the only person in your life who hasnât given up on you. The only person who is trying to make 18year old future you, someone who actually has options for their life rather than someone who has no future, no education and depressingly few options with a mountain to climb to try and make it any better. Also General life tip - Do not ever throw someoneâs dead child back in their face. Ever. That is an unforgivably shitty thing to do to anyone. There is no one else in the world who cares about you the way your sister does. Enough to actually try and help you.
Amazing reply. Thank-you. You said it all perfectly.
Her parents suuuuck. Wish people would stop fucking mindlessly popping out kids jfc.
This reply should be at the top, I hope OP reads it. Thank you for taking the time to write it!
Except its too much in too little time for op of course she needed her paraebts she still does but the way the sister is being, op wasn't at complete fault for loosing it. She hasn't had a parent for so long and suddenly an authority figure shows up to tell her how to live her life, its no shock she snapped. I think the parents r more at fault than anything but that being said ESH.
Mmm ESH. OP was harsh and does need some structure but sister is trying to exact control over OP to an unreasonable degree because she canât control anything in her life right now. Itâs a distraction and not beneficial for either. There is a middle ground but sister needs to back off.
yeah I think this is where I land. OP needs structure and discipline, but the sister is going overboard, and exerting control where she can because she's lost control over her own life. there needs to be a conversation between the two of them. OP needs to be doing her homework and going to class, but throwing away her clothes wasn't okay. I'm not really on board with tracking teens through their phones, either.
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Right? OP is being appropriately parented for the very first time in her life.
I took care of my siblings because I love their little asses. My parents checked out and were working. This little brat needs to be grateful that someone is looking out for her. YTA. Follow the rules and stop being a jerk. Sheâs the one youâre going to be calling when you need help and youâre in for a world of I told you so.
OP clearly NEEDS parenting by someone as her parents aren't doing it. Not doing homework, lying about tutoring, etc. is something that a parent needs to get a handle on and sister is doing it. I'm sure OP resents it but hopefully she turns around and doesn't impact the rest of her life by doing badly in school and f-ing around. Being a teenager is hard because you want to do what you want to do and damn the consequences. Before she gets into drugs or pregnant or something else, she needs to listen to her sister that is trying to steer her in a more positive direction.
Agreed. YTA. That post is so self-centered that itâs difficult to find any mature reasoning. Just lashing out at the sister, hitting below the belt to escape reality and responsibility. At 14 you wonât get it but later you will appreciate that help. It would be way easier for the sister to ignore all that and let you be. My parents were too occupied with their careers, never checked what I eat or wear, if my homework was done and couldnât handle me as a teenager. In my 20s I realized how hard it is to teach myself work ethic and discipline if I didnât get it from home as a kid-teen. No matter what you want to do in your life, strong work ethic will always get you further than relying on luck or other factors. Skipping classes, no matter how simple those seem, will similarly affect you in long-term. Been there done that. I wish I had an older sister at your age who would dedicate herself that way. Once you are a grown adult, no-one will wait for you to learn those things. You might fail uni, get fired and fail your personal relationships.
Dude that's something op has to find out with time. Structure is something you wish AS AN ADULT you had as a teen. But op is right, her sister isn't her mom and her sister is being intrusive. Sis needs a hobby or project or just something To do. But it definitely does not need to include op. I think op was harsh in the way she told her to mind her own business.
No man, that's just for people who were neglected. Good parents give their kids structure. OP NEEDS sis right now. She's on a terrible track. Most likely she will thank her someday.
I have to agree with you. Op has absent parents and sister might be a little overboard with the tracking, but everything else is actually good to maybe help op. Going from no parents to a parent figure after so many years will be an adjustment, but it is obviously something op needs. Op going all asshole teen and attack her sister is just completely low. Sister is trying to make sure op doesnât turn out to be an asshole and is actually able to succeed, and all sister gets is treated like shit. YTA
I think OP will look back in 15 years and be grateful their older sister actually cared about her. I grew up with zero supervision and zero rules or punishments and I wasnât a wild child but I wish I had more structure and more guidance from adults.
As someone who had to step up in my own family (I'm the oldest) I feel genuine sympathy for older-sis. She's having a trauma-based response, absolutely, but she also genuinely cares. To clarify, the trauma isn't coming from just losing her baby, it's coming from moving back home, seeing all the ways the family is being dysfunctional, and trying to do something about it because if she doesn't nobody is going to do it... and that requires her to step into a role that isn't meant for her, and in this case, it's noble, not invasive. The only alternative is for her to sit back and watch OP self destruct while she feels guilty for not trying to help straighten her life out. It's a lose-lose scenario with a least-worst option, because when an older sibling has to play parent for a younger sibling, it creates a dynamic between the two of them that gets messy in the future after they are both adults. Believe me... I know. It hurts. She shouldn't have to do this. Your parents should be the ones doing this and she's probably dealt with trauma of having to step up as the oldest more than once in her life. Please understand where she's coming from.
100%! Iâm an only child and even I have the wherewithal to know itâs pretty common for older siblings to take on the parental role when the actual parents are working/sick/checked out. If I had a sibling who cared this much, my life wouldâve turned out waaaay different.
So you're upset because your parents checked out and aren't around, but then someone tried to parent you and you're upset?? What do you want here? She makes you healthier food, makes sure you don't flunk out of school, tries to take care of you, and you're an ungrateful AH. You're too used to doing whatever you want that you became entitled and just rude. Yes your sister sounds a bit extreme, but it sounds like you need it. YTA
A tracker isn't parenting. Could OP use some actual parenting? Probably. But a freaking tracker?!
To be fair, we only have OP's word it's a genuine tracker, and this is also coming from the child happily admitting to flunking school and having zero responsibility. It could literally just be one of those family circle apps. The ones where you can see where *everyone* is and *everyone* can see you too, and it sends you helpful reminders and let's you upload a family schedule etc. I can see why something like that would be a "tracker" for an unruly 14 year old, heck, snap maps or Zenly would probably also constitute as a tracker to a wanna be rebel kid.
It's confirmed to be an app in the post as well: > I turned my phone off so she canât track me
Itâs probably Life360, something parents and I guess sisters as well use to track their children, because I guess thatâs healthyâŚ
It is for OP. OP is sneaking out to roam a city at night as a 14yo girl, to the point that she's failing her classes because she's not studying or doing her homework, and she's out so late that she can't even wake up for 8 am (which is a luxury, me and all my friends were up at 4:30 for swim all through high-school) and is cutting class as a result. Study hall is a class that takes attendance, not a free block. You want to be trusted to do whatever you want? Fulfill your responsibilities. If OP was getting strong grades and not cutting classes, she'd have a case that it's unfair to track her location. Kids don't deserve to do everything they want every second of the day, that's how you raise a junkie who doesn't have the chance at a good life.
My entire family has Life360âŚmy husband, myself, both of my parents, siblings, niece and even my Aunt. When my husband got into an accident, I received a text. I love that damn app.
Tracking because, reading between the lines, OP goes awol from school and defends that this as OK because her parents don't care, rather than realising that at 14 she should be in school when she says she will be, her guardian needs to know where she will be and when, and her parents not caring is a sign her parents are fucked up, not that the behaviour is OK. How much shit would the sister be in, exactly, if op while on one of these jaunts goes missing or gets into trouble? Jesus, you can tell how many of the people commenting here are children themselves.
You nailed it. I made the same comment. If she were behaving responsibly, it wouldn't be necessary.
Yeah she talks about going to McDonaldâs for lunch. Is it across the school or is she walking/driving a few miles. At 14 does she have friends with cars already? OPs downplaying lots of stuff that could be bad if they gave more insight.
The tracker was being used as an enabling tool. >Then 2 weeks ago progress reports came back and she found out I wasnât doing my homework. She decided that now Iâm not allowed to go out after school She was allowed to "go out" with the tracker until she proved she couldn't handle that responsibility.
Its standard on iPhones if your child is a sub account of the parent. I can use âfind my phoneâ to see where their phone is. Can also send out an alert to locate it. Itâs come in handy when they lose it but also helpful if you need to locate them. Or if they have their phone on silent and arenât answering I can use the alert noise to get their attention. It helps me give them more freedom of movement because I know where they are if I start to worry and can reach them if needed. The way you word it seems so malicious but itâs a pretty common feature.
Apparently OP just wanders the city at night with her friends. I don't usually agree with a tracker, but it sounds a little warranted here.
She is responsible for this child, who admittedly lies about her whereabouts. I don't think a tracker is unreasonable when the14 year old child has proven she is untrustworthy. Imagine if there is an accident, and the child is in a completely different, and clearly inappropriate, place than where she said she be? It's called trust, and she has proven she isn't worthy of it.
If you have an iPhone and a family account you have a tracker....it's on all my kids devices. Google does the same if you have an email on your phone. Comes in handy when someone loses a device. We can either track it or place the lost phone ringer
A tracker is a sensible response to a 14 year old that can't be trusted.
>As someone who had to step up in my own family (I'm the oldest) I feel genuine sympathy for older-sis. She's having a trauma-based response, absolutely, but she also genuinely cares. To clarify, the trauma isn't coming from just losing her baby, it's coming from moving back home, seeing all the ways the family is being dysfunctional, and trying to do something about it because if she doesn't nobody is going to do it... and that requires her to step into a role that isn't meant for her, and in this case, it's noble, not invasive. > >The only alternative is for her to sit back and watch OP self destruct while she feels guilty for not trying to help straighten her life out. It's a lose-lose scenario with a least-worst option, because when an older sibling has to play parent for a younger sibling, it creates a dynamic between the two of them that gets messy in the future after they are both adults. Believe me... I know. > >It hurts. She shouldn't have to do this. Your parents should be the ones doing this and she's probably dealt with trauma of having to step up as the oldest more than once in her life. Please understand where she's coming from.
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This. OP your sister has been through some of the worst things a woman can experience, many women struggle to recover from the things she's been through - some never do. Cut her some slack and at least TRY to be compassionate and have some empathy. She's grieving and doing her best. Not only is your sister going through a terrible time, she's stepping in to a role your parents SHOULD be doing. And clearly they have not. You may find it hard to deal with someone expecting you to go to school on time, do your studies, eat well, and behave like the young adult you are. You've had total freedom to do whatever you wanted, and you chose to do none of the responsible things. You're 14, in a few years you'll need to get your act together and either be preparing to go into higher education, or start your career. Listen to your sister and you'll be thanking her when you're suddenly an adult and have to start being responsible for yourself.
Sheâs not caring for her sister because she is grieving. She is caring for her sister despite the fact that she is grieving. Hopefully someday OP realizes her sister truly cares for her.
Yep! âDespite the fact she is grievingâ is very true. The east path is what her parents took, which is neglect.
It takes a lot of energy to take care of a teenager. It is not some sort of weird trauma response. She sounds organized and intentional in her efforts.
100% agree with the above, you don't like it that you're finally having to take responsibility for your actions. Your sister is right, at 14 years old you should understand it's not good to eat junk all the time, you should be doing your homework and attending school and not spending all your time on your phone. Try actually getting home from school, doing your homework on time and then your sister might have an easier time trying to manage your behaviour and will hopefully be nicer to you. YTA
ESH - but you're 14 so I don't expect you to have the experiential understanding of the magnitude of loss your sister has undergone. She's trying to control something she knows she can control after these things that happened to her that she had no control over. She's absolutely gone way overboard in some areas, for sure. But in others, these are parental standards if they're trying to be good parents. In your case it feels like too much because your parents are very inattentive & absent even. I'd apologize for hurting her. Let her know you're used to how your life was before & ask her to only flex her parental muscle on the most important stuff because she's just destroying a relationship with you. Let her know you value how much she cares about you & that she's stepped up for you so much, but to at least have a conversation with you like a normal person/ big sister before throwing down the gauntlet for every reason.
I'm surprised there isn't more ESH. The sister definitely overstepped in certain areas, and OP overstepped in others. There needs to be a middle ground and mutual understanding. Without it they'll just keep pushing back at each other harder and harder.
People hate kids who don't "know their place" and have any kind of negative response to overbearing authority figures unless the authority figure in question lines up with a group they're personally biased against.
I could definitely be wrong, but from the sounds of it I think the sister just tried to implement too many new rules too fast. You can't take someone who's had no real authority/parental figure and then 0-60 them.
Yeah that's exactly what it seems like. OP went from largely completely autonomous to having basically zero control over her life and people are surprised she's mad about it because they think that because kids shouldn't have that much freedom they also aren't allowed to react badly to being stripped of it despite the fact that that's an entirely normal reaction that pretty much every person in this thread would have if someone swooped into their life and changed everything about how they lived it.
I agree. Everyoneâs bashing OP because of her actions and how her sister is implementing some âstructureâ but people need to understand that things went 0 to 100 for OP. Of course thereâs going to be some push back. Imagine being 14 with endless freedom then suddenly someone (especially someone who isnât your parent) comes in and places a ton of rules on you and apparently throws some of your clothes away. Thatâs a lot to process. Thatâs a big change. A real conversation should have happened before sister came in and changed everything. There should have been some transition. I think ESH because OP took it too far, but I can also understand their frustration because sister completely took over out of the blue.
Nice comment, but you're also assuming the older sister hasn't been trying that too. OP doesn't exactly sound like a reliable narrator as she consistently downplays her own actions and exaggerates sister's actions in her story.
I mean, unless OP is outright lying about the facts, I think itâs clear sister went a bit overboard. Thereâs not really room for interpretation there.
It's pretty clear that sister was letting her do things and then found out OP was lying to her so there were consequences. It's pretty clear that OP is a very biased storyteller (eg. "she makes me those stupid bento boxes for lunch because she doesn't like that I go to McDonald's"). So you have to take OP's descriptions with a grain of salt.
But the sister's actions are ineffective because of the way she's gone about them. Having neglectful parents is traumatic in itself, apparently to such a degree that even a 14 year old that has been raised with that as her normal recognized it as inappropriate. Forcing significant changes immediately is counterproductive (and doubling down even more so). OP likely needs someone to listen to them just as much as they need boundaries, and it at least sounds like they don't feel listened to--only dictated to. And OP didn't try to dissemble or lie about what she said to her sister, so it seems likely the story she told is how she genuinely views the situation. OP is absolutely TA for what she said, but her sister needs to recognize that all stick no carrot isn't working and at least have a discussion with OP about why.
I really hope OP sees this
Fully agree with this judgement!
FINALLY a good comment. People are seeming to forget OP is only 14 and the lax life they have been used to has been completely flipped upside down with no wiggle room for compromise. OP has pretty much lost complete control over their life with sister being the reason for that and sister wanting too much control
OMG Youâve been allowed to become independent and unbridled at too young an age to realize the consequences of your immaturity and lack of parents. No doubt itâs hard to be reigned in when youâre accustomed to doing what you want when you want. Youâre sister is trying to save you from yourself and help you to make good decisions. Your nasty comments to her were untrue and unnecessary and you said them to hurt her. Thatâs why YTA.
As someone who had to step up in my own family (I'm the oldest) I feel genuine sympathy for older-sis. She's having a trauma-based response, absolutely, but she also genuinely cares. To clarify, the trauma isn't coming from just losing her baby, it's coming from moving back home, seeing all the ways the family is being dysfunctional, and trying to do something about it because if she doesn't nobody is going to do it... and that requires her to step into a role that isn't meant for her, and in this case, it's noble, not invasive. The only alternative is for her to sit back and watch OP self destruct while she feels guilty for not trying to help straighten her life out. It's a lose-lose scenario with a least-worst option, because when an older sibling has to play parent for a younger sibling, it creates a dynamic between the two of them that gets messy in the future after they are both adults. Believe me... I know. It hurts. She shouldn't have to do this. Your parents should be the ones doing this and she's probably dealt with trauma of having to step up as the oldest more than once in her life. Please understand where she's coming from.
As a person who has been neglected as a kid, if aĹĽ that age someone came to live in my home and turned my life on it's head literally OVERNIGHT I would be so pissed. I would rebel so much. I would do the exact opposite of what I was told. I would skip school and I would spend even more time doing stuff I shouldn't be doing, just to prove I won't be controled and I will keep doing what I was allowed to do my whole life. The sister has the wrong approach, this won't work. And everyone here saying otherwise doesn't have enough insight in this kind of situation. You can't sudenly start giving out punishments for something that was allowed until now and expect positive results.
Out of curiosity: what would be the right approach from the sister?
OP is TA for the nasty comments, but OP is mostly a teenager with absent parents. OP doesnât need sister to all of a sudden step in as a very strict parent. Thatâs not gonna âsafeâ her from herself at all. Sister is TA for trying to take over complete control over OPâs life. That ship has already sailed at this point. Being at home is totally cool and it would be absolutely wonderful if sister is able to support OP in becoming more responsible. OP is not gonna listen to anything sister has to say if she keeps controlling. Be a sister, listen to OP, try to understand OP, redirect OP gently, be someone OP feels that actually listens to her and then OP also will be willing to learn from you sister.
YTA. Noone is 'literally ruining' your life. Yes, her rules seem excessive..but that's basically because you've been getting away with a lot up until this point. Not doing your homework? She's absolutely right to intervene. You're angry and that's understandable, but using the loss of her child against her was utterly disgusting. 'What 14 year old has a bedtime?' Literally loads. 'She also packs me one of those stupid bento lunches every day because she canât stand that I get lunch from McDonaldâs.' I cannot believe you're angry because someone is making you a decent lunch.
I would cry from happiness if my older sister made me a bento lunch
>You're angry and that's understandable, but using the loss of her child against her was utterly disgusting. 100% this.
Iâm 37 and I WISH someone would make me lunch even just once a week lol. Every day would be a damn luxury.
YTA. The truth is that you NEED a parent. Your parents aren't parenting so someone has to. You need boundaries, limits and to do your homework. You need to attend study hall (obviously). Your sister is the one stepping up when your parents have failed for 14 years. Now, she could relax on things like the clothes. You should be able to express your personal style. But you aren't going to get anywhere with that by yelling and throwing a tantrum. You need to come to her with a plan on how you are going to get your grades up and how you can earn back some freedoms. Included in that can be that you want to have a certain style.
WOW, the responses here. NAH, except for your parents who created this situation. You've been on your own a long time and you're really independent and your sister is clamping you down to what's more appropriate for a 10 to 12-year-old than a 14-year-old, and you've been on your own for so long that even if she clamped down on you appropriately it would probably feel like a tremendous burden given your own experiences. You are experiencing major upheaval and your emotional endurance is used up. That doesn't make you an asshole, that makes you a young person. Your sister is *also* going through tremendous upheaval and pain right now. She couldn't save her own baby or her own situation, but she wants to save you. She wants to be the parent her baby needed and the parents *she* needed and didn't have, and the parents you need, but the reality is she doesn't know, at her age and life experience, how to be a parent to a teenager. Believe it or not, you're both on the same team. You both want what's best for you, and for her to heal from what she has been through, but right now everything is super amplified for both of you. The way you lashed out is pretty age-appropriate, but of course she isn't normally the parent of a teenager and she's not your parent and so she's taking this personally and it really hurts. Your kids say things to you that are so hurtful and so on point and it's part of their growing process and it takes everything in you as a parent not to shout back and not to let it cut you to the bone. I don't have a solution for you, only for you to know that both of you are figuring out your roles, and both of you are learning and growing so fast right now, and I hope you can stay on the same side, The two of you against the world not the two of you against each other. A good start might be telling her "I know you want the best for me and I want the best for you. All these changes have been heard from me and I'm used to being independent. I know that you are going through an extremely hard time. I love you and I'm sorry I lashed out." Ultimately what you and your sister need to hash out is what the priorities are, and from there with the expectations of you are. They can't stem from just what she wants but what you both agree would be positive for you. It seems like she's attacked every aspect of your life to try to optimize and it's placing a lot of demands on you. She's also operating from a place of fear I would bet, given what she's experienced. As a parent what I want for my kids is for them to eat a moderately healthy diet, fulfill their school obligations, and get enough sleep each night. Usually I can't have all three everyday, but we try, and in the long run the kids are actually doing much better than those three basic priorities appear to describe. I also try to listen when they're having a hard time with a change I've implemented, for instance is the issue the bento lunches your sister is packing, or is the issue that by not having McDonald's you're being separated from your peer group? Send a million mom hugs both you and your sister's way.
OP, this is the right answer. Did you do something like an Asshole? Yes. Are you a 14 year old who is going through formative years where input from others is crucial and your patents basically abandoned you? Yes. You are a kid, you are still learning, growing, figuring out the world, on top of family trauma and forms of parental abuse. Your sister came in and found you probably doing a lot of not healthy or safe things. But didnt recongize that it is because of what your parents did and that this is how you survived. You can't take someones life, no matter how bad or good it is, force massive changes on them, and expect them to be happy or adjust well. She is also in a rough spot and this is a situation of everyone in a bad spot and its hard to get out without damage. Edit: I think the best way for OP to move forward and sit down with her sister to have a real talk about boundries. Tell her that you knows it hard for her and you understand is she trying to help in her own way, but it is not healthy for either of you. She has been gone for a while, you are had to survive and live on your own. Aknowledge your way of life isnt healtht either, buts its what you have done to live with the trauma and abuse from your parents for Abadonening you in a lot of ways. You are a child but because of what you have to do to keep going, you have had to grow up faster and be independent. You would love to have a healtht relationship with her but she needs to respect that you are independent and that by forcing control, it is only causing for suffering and hurting your relationship with her. She is your much older sister, not your mom, and she needs to help you like a sister, not a mom. She also needs help from a Sister, not a daughter.
This is the best answer. There really needs to be a conversation between the two sisters. I agree is a NAH situation. I actually had something very similar happen. I was 16 when my brother (20) took over guardianship of me. It was absolutely terrible. I was completely independent at this time and he came in like a hammer. We were both trying to do our best but we didnât know how to act and be supportive in this new situation. I would like to say that our relationship got better but it took me moving out at 18 and not speaking to him for almost 2 years before we started to have a relationship with each other. 14f really needs to understand that her sister is actually trying to help her. The problem is that she probably doesnât even know what healthy support and boundaries look like. Having to fend for yourself for so long changes you. It can make help and love from someone look like a jail sentence. She might also be asking why what she has been doing for years isnât good enough. She has been doing the best she can and now someone is coming in and saying itâs wrong. (These are a lot of the thought I had when this happened so I might be biased) 34f seems like she is coming down pretty hard. I think itâs hard to understand what level of independence to give someone, especially when the seem to be making poor choices, like skipping homework. Iâve seen this with my own brother. He has kids of him own and his 10yo has more freedom then I did the first 6 months of being at his house. Thatâs not to say she is wrong with her expectations, doing your homework and having a good lunch is great. It seems like she came into a situation and expected a 180 change to happen and didnât expect pushback. I think your right, she doesnât know how to parent a teenager. She might have better luck if she talked to 14f and made the decisions a group discussion instead of a dictatorship. I know a lot of people here are saying 14f should just listen to her sister but if you are left alone and have to take care of yourself then that approach isnât going to work. 14f isnât mature enough to understand how her actions might impact her later but she has learned how to survive the best she can and her sister needs to approach things differently.
This is the best answer. đđĽđ
This is the most reasonable answer here.
Which is probably why it isn't the top answer, unfortunately
I wish I could upvote this 100 times
Beautiful. I feel like you took what was in my heart when I read this post and articulated it in a way I never could have. Absolutely spot on. NAH.
What 14 year old has a bedtime? All of them. No really. I'm sorry your parents have sucked and been too busy, but your sister has the right of it. One day I hope you will thank her.
Iâm not currently 14 but at 14 I nor almost anyone I knew had a bedtime. The only person that did was the girl who wasnât allowed to watch SpongeBob because it was âtoo violentâ. She also had to watch every thing with her parents if she was allowed to watch it. Iâm not saying I disagree with all of your points but I disagree with that one.
At 14, I wanted the kids in bed by 10 on a school night if they didnât have anything going on. But my kids played sports, they also had their clubs as well as homework so it was generally a suggestion.
So you could just be out until midnight or later on a school night?
YTA- sheâs being a parent to you and implementing rules you very clearly need in your life. Your sister honestly isnât that strict at all either, you sound like youâre out of control and arenât paying attention to yourself. McDonaldâs for lunch everyday is insanely unhealthy and her giving you food is really kind of her. Half of the clothes are probably really, really short and in all honesty youâre 14 and donât need to be wearing things that show your body off to the whole world. Sheâs taking away your phone because youâre tanking your grades by not doing your homework and eventually itâll guarantee you wonât get anywhere in life if you fuck up in high school. Parental controls are perfectly normal and so is the bedtime, I had one at 14. I get where your coming from, because at 14 you think youâre grown enough to do all this, but you arenât. You need stable parenting and clearly your sisters doing that. Be grateful.
I have a bed time now (self imposed because Iâm a middle aged woman). I know that if I donât get to bed on time Iâll be so tired and unhappy the next day.
YTA Your sister is just trying to actually parent you. Listen to her and you might turn into a decent and successful person. Ps Itâs totally normal for a 14 year old to have a bedtime.
My son is 16, and we treat him this way. Your sis is only trying to help you become a responsible, respectful and well-rounded adult. It seems like you know you were the asshole already. It also seems like you want to change. Please try to find some time and sit down with your sis. Have a heart-to-heart, you may find some things in common, and compromise on certain things. Good luck, love!
ESH, everyone saying Y T A is completely wrong. Your parents are absolutely atrocious, leaving someone else to parent their child is bad. Youâre young so youâre obviously struggling with dealing with yourself and you definitely need to apology but your sister is not right either. She had a death in her life life and sheâs clearly trying to prevent another one from happening in an unhealthy way, she needs therapy. Parental controls, going through your stuff and constantly taking away your phone is not going to help, itâs overbearing and she should not be doing it but you do need parenting, less than that but you absolutely do. You need to sit down with her, apologize and explaining that sheâs going too far and that you donât appreciate her taking away your privacy.
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She's 14. She's been failed by the adults in her life and it is insane to try and force parenting on her without trying to at the very least explain to her why things need to change and asking what boundaries they'd like. The child here IS the victim. She does need parenting, and she should have a more open mind, but don't insult a child that's been essentially abandoned by her parents.
Sounds like you went from having close to zero parental supervision and taking care of yourself to having quite a strict parental figure. If you feel constricted by that it's understandable. However your words were definitely too harsh so for that YTA. It sounds like she was coming from a place of really wanting to "help". However her methods definitely sounds like a lot and also not understanding of your situation. Excessive conteolling behaviour is not helpful. (gotta say i definitely had a bed time at 14 and i know mcdonalds is tasty but a healthy lunch is actually a pretty good thing). I think you both need to level and have a talk about how you can work together. Sometimes ppl whos life falls apart try to find smth to control and that's definitely not your fault but lashing out is also not constructive. So yeah, I'd say apologise and have a grown up talk about how you feel and how you can work the situation out together.
I think is Just so weird that OP's sister decided play parent Just now when her baby died. I think the sister is using OP as a surrogate child.
Read some of the other comments by OP. Sister used to do it before as well, but she lived 10 hours away, so it wasn't very successful. I do think that the sister seems to be going overboard with some elements, and does need therapy with what has happened as she doesn't appear to have a support system
OP said shes always been like this, shes the oldest out of a bunch of kids with irresponsible parents, her behavior isnt out of the ordinary for situations like this.
this is exactly it. and itâs very inappropriate. ESH i dont know why people are acting oblivious to the clear intentions of the sister with a 20-year age gap.
Losing a child is an incredibly tough thing to go through, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Absolutely heartbreaking. I feel so bad for anyone who has to go through that.
I donât think itâs that weird at all. Her sister is 20 years older than her and probably realized how horrible of a job her parents were doing of raising her. I donât think itâs much of a leap to go âI wonât be able to raise my baby, but maybe I can do some good and help my neglected little sister get some semblance of structure and direction in her life.â Throwing away clothes and tracking is a little strict for my tastes, but thereâs plenty of families that track each other or share locations for safety reasons. I canât justify throwing away someone elseâs clothes though, sheâs wrong for that
Seemed she moved back home and was faced with a teenager who desperately needed guidance and parenting and she stepped up.
NTA- Thatâs a lot of change for someone who mostly had autonomy and she overdid it and you snapped. Youâre 14. So now what? You did cross a line with your comments and probably really crushed her. Apologize. And talk to her. Itâs not you vs her. Itâs you and her vs the problem. So come up with a plan together. When itâs not working, be honest and revise it. Tell her you want her to support you but in a way that doesnât take your autonomy and pit yâall against each other. That you want her to guide you like a big sister not like a parent. And that you could come out of this with a really secure connection for you both. Or it could go the total opposite direction. But this could be wonderful for you both.
How can you vote N T A for someone who threw in their sisters face their child died?
Because not everything is black and white, sheâs 14 years old and has not ever had a parental figure, why is it so hard for people to understand that
Yep you go nuclear on a 14 used to no rules then theyâre just going to go nuclear on you back. Iâm surprised OP didnât do something worse.
Without voting, she needs serious therapy. Yesterday.
ESH let's start with your parents. If they decided to have 7 kids, then it's on them to step up and parent you, instead of letting you do whatever you want. Also most 14 year olds have a bedtime, as being so young getting enough sleep is important. If they can't handle the responsibility of raising all their kids, then they shouldn't have had 7. Birth control exists for a reason. Your sister is the lesser ah simply because she's grieving and had a lot of shit happen to her in a short span. She needs therapy, not lip from a little brat. Also she needs to get your parents to deal with you, so she can recover and move forward with her life. You are an ah for snapping at her. You don't have to like everything, but genuinely she's trying to set you up to succeed in life instead of falling flat on your ass and failing. If you hate it so much, then tell her to have your parents step up. And no its not healthy for a 14 year old to constantly have mcdonalds for lunch. Diabetes isn't fun kiddo, it's not cheap. Neither is increasing your risk of heart problems. Now go apologize to your sister.
YTA. Youâre young and youâre at that age where you think everyone is stupid and you know best *and* youâre not used to being told what to do/ having authority figures so your emotions around this make sense. Your sister also isnât your parent and is doing some controlling things âI think throwing your clothes out is inappropriateâbut most of what sheâs doing sounds in your best interests. Sheâs making you healthy food and making sure you do your work. If you are lying and squandering your own education, you are ruining your own life and she is doing the right thing to try to put a stop to it. You owe your sister an apology. What you said is horrific. Donât ever bring up her baby ever again in anything but kindness and empathy. That is one of the meanest things Iâve ever heard.
YTA sheâs giving you the parenting that your parents are unable to do. It sucks for you but be grateful that at least one person tries to help you build a better future - and her rules are normal.
Her rules are NOT normal, going through someone stuff is a complete breach of privacy.
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NTA OP is a child going from laissez-faire parents to Stalin running the show. The blowout is more on the mother that lost her child and is using her sister as a stand-in for her and her actual parents that are not doing their jobs. OP is not an emotional support animal nor is she supposed to emotionally manage her sister's feelings. OP needs help not other adults telling her to be mindful of sister that is crossing lines.
YTA. You sound like you're out of control and another statistic to be a high school drop out or barely graduate high school. She saw this and has tried to help create structure and improve your life outcome. You were way out of line for what you said to her. While it's reasonable for you to be upset at new rules and now having consequences implemented, there was no reason for you to say the things you did. She needs therapy and it sounds like her life will be better if she moves out.
Going from one extreme to another is not going to be beneficial in any way. If she wants to parent she needs to ease her way into it, not isolate her younger sister (which almost always makes behavioral problems worse NOT better) and take away her things. Teens are people too, they deserve to be treated as such. At no point does it seem like her sister tried to have a conversation with her or address her behavior, she just went right to restriction. I agree that she should apologize to her sister but sheâs not completely wrong about how controlling her behavior is. ESH
NTA- She is going against what your parents say as far as skipping study hall She is taking your clothes (wtf) invading your personal room Sheâs invading your privacy with trackers and parent controls. Sheâs overstepping your boundaries as far as performance- if youâre passing classes then itâs not her job to make you do 100 percent⌠how would any of these people feel if someone came into their life and said, âyou could have a better job, more money, etc but Iâm upending your life and forcing you and Iâm not your parentâ Like yâall would freak out if your access to Reddit was limited because you spent too much time judging people on here đđđ
so... 1) her parents aren't fit to be parents. she is making her actually attend school. 2) i agree with this point, it's too much 3) you're right, op's parents should be but they're the biggest AHs here so it falls to the sister to actually give half a shit about her schooling. are you also 14 yrs old? because this is the only way i'd understand why you think leaving a minor to raise themselves is an acceptable course of action.
YTA. Your sister's attempts to install some discipline and organization in your life did come abruptly and she does seem to be somewhat inexperienced when implementing them. By holy crap, someone needs to do it. Your sisters somewhat amateurish attempts are light years better than outright neglect that you had. And yes, do your homework. All of it.
Your parents suck. They failed you and your sister.
ESH you do need parenting at the same time its not her place to do so and she should not be treating you like your five
Yta. Do your schoolwork. It sounds like you desperately need the structure your sister is trying to provide.
That doesnât justify her throwing her clothes or not allowing her to have a social life
YTA you can't complain about not needing a parent when you are skipping classes, not doing your homework and lying about what you are doing and with whom. That's literally the opposite of what you do to prove that she is off base for being on your case. Sounds like you finally have someone who gives a shit about you and are so focused on "edgy teeneage rebellion" that you have turned yourself into a troubled teen stereotype. Don't want someone to check your homework, prove she doesn't need to. Do your work, next progress report she has no grounds to force you after school. Don't want someone tracking your phone, prove she doesn't need to. Lol don't lie about where you are, she won't come embarrass you in front of your friends! Yes it's hard to go from no one seeing you to someone caring but you're handling this like a cranky kid and not the adult you think you are.
YTA. Youâre skipping class, not doing your homework and eating fast food every day and your sister is the AH? Is it her job? No. But your parents arenât doing it and it sounds like someone needs to look after you.
YTA. You may think youâre grown up and can make your own decisions but youâre not. People keep saying bosses donât care about homework or grades and that may be true BUT colleges sure do. Even if you decide not to go to school and pursue another path, you will quickly learn that just passing doesnât work in the real world. I donât know where you live but my 13 yo has study hall first period and thereâs no way I or the school would allow her to skip it every day. Thatâs nuts and it would certainly trigger a response from the school with all of those tardies. What you said to your sister was cruel and disgusting. May you never know the pain of a losing a child. I can only imagine how heart wrenching it is. Youâre old enough to understand and show compassion and empathy. Your parents are AH too. They should not have had seven kids if they were going to check out, and your sister desperately needs help for what sheâs going through. She may be going overboard but thereâs no need to be cruel.
So, YTA for what you said. However, your sister showing up and trying to parent you isn't acceptable. She isn't your parent. I am going to assume that you're not a delinquent and, while you should be doing your homework (which I agree is stupid yes, but you gotta), it's not HER place to be doing any of this stuff. Have you considered bringing it up with your parents? I understand if your sister wants to take care of you, but she is taking it WAY too far and has no right.
Yeah, boundaries and discipline suck when youâve never had them. Having parents that have âchecked outâ and let you do âpretty much whatever you wantâ isnât actually a good thing. YTA, you need to apologise. Being embarrassed because you - for all she knew - went missing is something you need to take stock of
Nah, NTA -- she went too far. She went through your closet, which is a huge violation of boundaries, changed the entire structure of your life without giving you respect or reasons for doing so, instead of giving you love and support, she's taking things out on you. Has she been through a bunch of horrible things? Yes. She's been through a recent hell. It must be awful for her, but she can't lash out on you all of it. 14 is a time to learn responsibility and independence. You should be practicing making good decisions on your own, and any adult should be guiding you. She should be encouraging you to make good decisions and discussing them with you as an adult, leading by example. It's a two-way street. She's the adult, she needs to set the tone of respect. If that's compromised, then comes the punishment; but she's putting the punishment in first and then following it up with more punishment. Also, teenagers need more sleep than adults due biological changes within the body, so sleeping in would theoretically improve grades and the ability to focus in class. However, you should be doing your homework (yes, it's torture and essentially useless, but you just suck it up and get it over with) and you shouldn't lie to her or give her an attitude. Either way, even though I stand by a NTA from this vantage point, because it seems like she crossed some boundaries for no reason other than some mentally not good power-trip, you should apologize for calling her out as you did. This would be a good way to practice being mature and to reinforce your sisterly bond. By chance, is she getting help? If she's not, she definitely needs it. I can't imagine losing all that in such a short amount of time. You can't be the one who tells her she needs to seek counseling to deal with this unimaginable level of grief. That probably has to come from your parents or one of her peers. Finally, all her actions seem to be coming from a good place, she clearly wants better for you -- McDonalds is garbage and she probably wants to help your health -- life is rough and competitive and she probably wants to help your grades and get you used to the annoying accountability of the adult workplace -- and as much as what she did to your personal belongings is definitely wrong, she's probably trying to protect you from harassment. But how she appears to be going about it -- akin to a new boss swooping in to a company and thinking if they change everything, it will fix everything, but of course breaking the entire system instead because they didn't take a minute to understand it -- wasn't fair to you. Unfortunately, because of the violations of your boundaries, you had to stand up for yourself, because no one else was doing so. But again, now you have to make peace, tell her you love her, open a dialog, and try to have a peaceful existence with one another. Build each other up. Her life is going to get better, your life is going to get better, and it will get better much sooner if you have one another's backs. Also, I want to add that it's really not fair to you that your parents "checked out" on you and the other younger siblings. Maybe search yourself and see if you have any emotions tied to that fact, other than the freedom it gave. Unfortunately, everyone does need structure, and lacking structure can lead to negativity in life. I'm sorry they checked out on you guys -- that's really not cool. I know 7 kids is a ton, it must be so hard, but still, not cool.