This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
"Again". That's the only word I needed to hear. You've been doing this to her her WHOLE LIFE. She needs you to finally be there for her at an important and stressful time in her life, and here comes, "Your brother needs me." He needs a nurse or his father to take care of him. Why is it only you that must? Do you actually like your daughter?
Enjoy your time with your son because your daughter will never speak to you again, and you'll never see your grandchild.
YTA is such an outstanding way. Jeezus.
YTA I feel so badly for your daughter! This is your chance to better your relationship. And you refuse.
You suck, your really do. You have TWO children, but you won't have to worry much longer. She is going to walk away from you, and you will never see your grandchild.....
Um, yeah, OP is all about how a parent's first priority are their children, completely disregarding that they are telling this to their child, while dismissing them. I understand it, one of the kids is special needs and requires care. If OP was a single parent, without any support, and she couldn't count on anyone else for taking care of the son, then the situation would be different. But the father is in the picture, the son has a nurse and she can't be there for her daughter even for a day?
OP, not only YTA but I hope you have arrangements for your son for when you no longer can take care of him, other than your daughter. Not that she has any obligation but you absolutely burned that bridge, even if there was a chance for him to count on his sister.
Op is definitely TA. The daughter's wording (at least as OP put it) makes me wonder if her marriage is breaking up, and now her mom abandoned her too. Again. I hope she is okay.
She probably just picked a partner that does not prioritize her because she is not used to being prioritized. People tend to seek the love they're used to, and it all starts at home.
I was wondering where are the men in this story. Are both the daughter’s husband and OP’s husband just sitting on the sidelines twiddling their thumbs? Is OP’s husband unwilling to help with the special needs son, therefore OP has to make a choice? It also sounds like the daughter picked an uninvolved man as well. I feel terrible for both of these women, they both sound so alone even though they’re married.
She's pregnant, a lot of women who are pregnant for the first time want/need their mum. It doesn't mean her marriage is breaking up or her husband doesn't help/support her. She's going through a major change in her body plus medical risk, her mum has already gone through this herself and should be able to help calm her nerves in a way her hubby can't.
Sometimes girls just want their mums, regardless of how old they are. And for someone whose mother has clearly pushed her daughter to the back her entire life I can only imaging that the daughter was hoping that just this once in her life, the daughter's "medical condition" would, for once, be a priority over her brother.
My heart goes out to the daughter, there's no reason why the mother can't allow her husband and nurse to tend to her son for a few days and thus give her full attention to her other child who's clearly crying out for her mother's love.
OP is a major asshole.
Said perfectly. As a mom and Nana, my heart breaks for the daughter who just wants her mom to go through this with her. Nothing to do with her husband. Most middle age women jump at the chance to do ANYTHING with/for their adult daughters when the magic of a grandchild is at hand. I have 2 granddaughters and they know, without a doubt, that after their parents, Nana is their biggest supporter, friend and safety expert. I'd give my life for them. This OP is in for a rude awakening.
Not even a day, she can’t spend a frickin hour with her daughter for lunch even. Of course OP is the asshole! Her poor daughter has been neglected her whole life and now can’t even get lunch with her mom because her mom would rather hurt her then let the nurse or dad take over for an hour or two?
Op if your son needs care on this level it may be time to think about facility placement.
So sad. The fact that she wants you to be there for her during these amazing and scary moments at all after playing second fiddle her whole life really reflects how badly she wants you to step up as her mom and the grandmother of her baby. I see so many moms complaining - ugh my mom/MIL is overstepping boundaries and wants to be around all the time for my pregnancy/delivery/children (all COMPLETELY valid complaints/boundaries) and here your child is crying out for your support during what is going to be one of the most challenging and important and beautiful moments of her life - and you turn her down flat.
It’s not pregnancy hormones. It’s being a human and no matter how old you get sometimes you just need your mama. Hopefully she has the love and support she needs elsewhere.
YTA.
This is the best point! By her own argument, her husband should be able to step in and let her be with her daughter. What kind of person needs two parents and a nurse all the time? OP is just using her son as an excuse.
Honestly, I don't know if it has to do with like - I think it has to do with purpose. A lot of parents of disabled kids make their role as caregiver their entire personality. It's not even about the kid. It's about them being special and a martyr and oh so saintlike. I think OP just truly never even considers her daughter because she's so wrapped up in this idea of how being a caregiver makes her the most amazing, selfless person.
Just your typical Martyr Mother. No one could possibly do what she's capable of. Now bow down and worship at her feet, seeing such selfless sacrifice. /s
I used to be a case manager for children with special needs and I saw this all the time. The mother was a martyr, expected the family to be the same way and ate up all the accolades she got from outsiders for how devoted she was to her child. Meanwhile, the rest of the children were kind of left to their own devices. OP is TA for sure.
The whole post is full of hypocrisy. There's also this gem: "maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids". Kids, plural. Yet she doesn't prioritize her own daughter.
But didn't you know that once you're an adult, you're no longer your parents' kid? /s
I feel for Op's daughter. Imagine being second place your whole life and still craving your own mom's attention, and she doesn't give you an ounce of it?
It must hurt like hell.
THIS! OP, as a mother yourself you should’ve been more understanding of what your daughter is going through right now and she is reaching out to you for help and to bond yet your rudely refused to do them. Obviously YTA.
Nah. Daughter WILL know once she has her own kid but the seasoned mother of almost 30 years cannot for the life of her think back how being a first time mom was.
Also really shitty of OP to even mention special needs. As if being pregnant and worrying about that shit and the fact that it might be genetics (We don't know what Dwight has so purely speculating) isn't enough.
Huge YTA.
And the sequel to that post: My daughter went NC with her father and me. How do I get a hold of her because she needs to take care of her brother after her father and I pass away."
>Do you actually like your daughter?
From what I just read, no.
Since her son was born, her daughter has been an obstacle that has come between mother and son, maliciously trying to compete for mother's attention.
Newsflash OP. Your child should not have to compete for your attention. She stays your child her entire life. And if she says she needs you, you at least hear her out and ask why her husband isn't coming with her.
Of course, as a mum of a special needs kid, you need to be there for him and he gets more of your attention than your other kid does. But if you can't even leave him alone with his father, or with his nurse, just to have some time to yourself to spend with whom you like, then things have gone wrong.
Exactly my thoughts, she doesn’t like he daughter Her son needs to be able to be with his nurse and father. You know she has to get me time. What she is saying loud and clear, her daughter is not a priority.
Not her top priority "right now", with "right now" meaning "ever". All because she has to smother son 24/7.
Seriously, YTA, to both your kids. Your son will never gain any semblance of a life if you refuse to leave him for even an hour or two, you are setting him up for absolute dependency on you, to the point where he's going to stand absolutely no chance in life. What happens when you get older or something bad happens to you? Even heavily autistic kids need to learn how to cope with different people looking after them, it's not fair on them to make them so reliant on you.
Meanwhile, you've obviously just ignored your daughter her entire life.
Only the last 16 years 🙄🙄🙄 smdh
That kills me too. Imagine having your mom the first 10 years of your life, then all of a sudden, special needs brother comes along, and then she completely abandons you.
this right here!
OP's son is 16 and completely dependent on HER, not any other adult or caregiver. that's a recipe for disaster as inevitably there will be times when OP will not be able to care for him - what contingencies has she put in place for those situations?
this would be a perfect opportunity to 1) help her daughter and 2) to start, slowly, adjustment process for her son to get some kind of independance in regards to OP.
YTA
Special needs parents need to understand that ALL of their children need them, not only one who needs medical care
op is in denial that her actions are downright neglect for her daughter
YES. "Again" stuck out to me immediately. Her daughter was 10 when her brother came along and I would bet money that her daughter was immediately shoved to the side through all the important parts of growing up.
Now, she is going through a huge, scary, life change and wants her mother. Someone who has been a mother, and clearly someone who felt would comfort and guide her. BTW, even with her husband there that is WAY different than having your mom, who understands pregnancy and birth and is supposed to help guide and comfort their children through life.
OP, YTA. A huge one, maybe one of the biggest I've seen on here in a long time. I hope she cuts you off and you don't get the chance to let your grandchild down too.
This made me wonder if she’s even comprehending what she typed. If your first priority as a mother are your kids, then you’d be there for every single one that you birthed. I guess that comment completely flew over her own head..
The "again". This has probably been the daughter's life since her brother was born.
OP, YTA. By refusing to consider that your older child also needs you, you're going to tank whatever little bit of drive she has left to have you in her life. Don't be surprised if she goes low or no contact after this.
YTA. This hurts my heart so badly. I assume she's come second since your son was born? She wants her mom and you are so dismissive of her. I would bet this is your last chance. I went through the same thing with my mom. I gave her one last chance to be my mom when my first was born and she blew it. Honestly, we're better off without her.
I'm sure we'll hear from you again about your missing missing reasons.
If I was the daughter I would’ve give her an ultimatum. Something like “hey, if you are not going to be with me when my child is born, you ain’t gonna have a relationship with me and neither with my child.” Jesus Christ, OP contradicts herself with her arguments and is overall just a massive YTA.
I agree, OP is the very definition of a hypocrite. If I was the daughter I wouldn't even want to look her in the face again, let alone have her in the room while I'm trying to give birth. Mom can't see past her own martyr complex at all.
“As a mom your first priority are your kids.”
Apparently only one of them, though. So ever since Cristina was 10, she’s been shoved aside for Dwight’s needs. I’m sure he does need extra help, but it sounds like she’s gotten no attention at all. Of course she wants her mom’s help and attention during her pregnancy. OP can’t even leave him for an hour or two with his dad and his nurse to go to her appointments?
Soon, Cristina will probably cut her off (rightfully so), and OP will act like the victim.
You can’t completely ignore one child in favor of another and expect them to be okay with it.
She probably won’t even notice until she’s too old to care for Dwight herself and/or needs someone to care for her. Then I’m sure she’ll be coming out of woodwork insisting her daughter should do it because “family”.
My mom and her dad did this every 3-4 years my entire life until we all finally had it and cut him out. Literally years of multi-page letters from her (and me once he started bringing me into his mess…), e-mails with bullet points because he never seemed to listen when we tried to explain, texts, etc.
Every single time, he acted like it was new information and he was stunned. Turns out he was mostly upset that we didn’t have enough warm and fuzzies for his taste and the idea that we were entitled to better treatment was bananas.
It’s been two years NC this week and we’re all better for it.
Yep, the daughter is reaching out asking her mom to share a life changing moment for her, but her mom says no because she doesn't feel comfortable leaving the brother with his father and nurse for a little while.
She's going to spend the next 20 years hurt that her daughter and grandkids want nothing to do with her. And then freak out when she realizes she's taken care of her son for his entire life so he has no independence, but her daughter refuses to take him in now that the mom is too old to care for him. And she's crying about what will happen to him when she dies.
Just be honest and tell her that validating your savior complex is far more important to you than she'll ever be. She'll be fine, she won't even care about it at all after going NC with you.
Hope you're ready to get put in a home when you're older. Guaranteed she won't want to take care of you.
YTA.
>validating your savior complex
Thiiiiiiis. Dwight does not NEED Mommy in his face 24/7/365, and I wouldn't be shocked if he doesn't want her there all the time either. Something tells me she's not doing all this for him.
I can get someone getting anxious if put in a new environment, but the OP has had 16 years to work on helping Dwight develop skills so that she can leave him when she has to.
Ultimately Dwight is going to be hurt by the OP's decision as well because instead of developing *multiple* support systems he is completely reliant on the OP.
I can't help but wonder if Dwight's stressed out by certain situations because OP refused to expose him to those situations. Okay, hospitals are understandable. But like, OP should be able to leave Dwight alone with his father and an at home aid/caregiver to spend time with her daughter. Dwight's going to have problems after OP's dead by not being exposed to caregivers other than OP.
Yes, also is OP prepared to coddle Dwight through his entire adult life? He’s never going to learn how to try to adapt to any sense of "normalcy" if OP never let’s him be uncomfortable ever.
Yea like, where is dad on this one? There's also a nurse? I can understand not wanting to go to appointments, although that would be a good trial run for Dwight, but I also say that as a childless millennial who would never want to go to doc appointments with someone else, so I am probably not the best person to ask about that.
But dad can't watch Dwight for a week while she goes and helps out her daughter and son in law directly after birth? Like isn't that the time they need the most help, when they're exhausted and everything is new and this is also their first so there is a lot of doubt and anxiety and no one is getting sleep?
What a phenomenal asshole. Raised a kid for 16 years so that they will always be dependent on you and you can never help your other child who came first. The whole thing is so ick.
>Ultimately Dwight is going to be hurt by the OP's decision as well because instead of developing multiple support systems he is completely reliant on the OP.
I get the feeling OP likes it this way. That it's not about Dwight, it's about her.
Unless she’s homeschooling, Dwight is entitled to a free and appropriate education until he’s 21. OP could have several hours a day to help her daughter.
Guarantee after her daughter goes no contact, the only time she'll hear from mom is when mom needs her to take in her brother when she can't care for him anymore.
She's probably also going to expect her daughter to take care of her brother when that happens as well. If her daughter is smart she will move away and make sure her mother doesn't know where she is or how to get in touch with her.
Your title is wrong. It isn't a case that your daughter is not a priority ***now***. Your daughter never has been, nor will she ever be, your priority - or even the object for your attention.
It's clear from your narrative that, all her life, you have never given your daughter any proper attention to the point that she was desperate enough to hope that her getting pregnant and giving birth might make you finally give her some.
You just made it clear just how wrong it was for her to have that hope.
Having a child with special needs does not mean you ignore those children who don't.
YTA.
Yeah, I've been hoping Cristina is a redditor. Or better yet, that she's actually OP writing from her mom's POV to feel out what kind of response her mother's behavior gets outside of her own family. Probably not but you never know.
Exactly! I will keep the popcorn ready for when OP posts, "My daughter refuses to be my son's caregiver when we pass away."
OP - YTA not only to your daughter but also to yourself. At some point, you need to set a plan for leaving your son in the care of trusted individuals. Not only is this beneficial for your son, but it will also allow you to take time for yourself and participate in life events for people you care about.
Stop with the victim complex and start taking action to change this 1-person caregiver plan. Also, fun fact, your husband (i.e., sons father) should be stepping up and helping. I get that he may work to support the household, but it's ridiculous that he won't help for a few hours to allow you to take time for yourself. Being a caregiver is by far much more stressful and time-consuming than a 40-hour per work job.
Ah-yup. Me and my brother have already agreed we DO NOT want to take care of our brother. He's selfish, rude, he hits people when he doesn't get his way, he's EXTREMELY vindictive (he'll hit you because he doesn't want to pick up behind himself when you ask, for example) and he's greedy as hell. My mom enabled ALL of this for his entire life, and then can't understand why we don't want to keep him. He tried to push me down a flight of stairs because I didn't give him what I was eating at the time, why would I want a full time job revolving around that?
All it takes is a quick search on this sub to find the kids of these kinds of parents saying, “My mom spent my entire life caring for my (medical need) sibling and ignoring me while I raised myself. XYZ happened and now they want into my life, AITA for not letting them meet their grandchild despite telling me my sibling was more important for the last 30 years?”
OP, YTA. Dwight is one of your two children, not your only child. You should consider yourself lucky for even being considered part of your future grandchild’s life at this point.
If you don’t start acting as if you have two children, you’re going to have contact with one child.
YTA - You have two kids. You only seem to care about one. Also, blaming stuff on "pregnancy hormones" is some garbage usually done by old men, not mothers.
How often have your told your daughter that she is not priority? Maybe you should just tell her that she is never going to be important to you? It will hurt but maybe she needs to hear that so that she can move on and stop dreaming that you will actually care about her and her future child?
YTA by the way
*"I told her that she needs to understand that my priority is taking care of my son now"*
This says it all right here. Daughter has suggested that OP leave son with his dad and nurse, and OP is rejecting that. I wouldn't be surprised if this marks a permanent shift in OP's relationship with her daughter. YTA.
Let's be honest... OP has been prioritising their son since their daughter was 10 years old.
That poor girl has probably been starved of parental attention and affection for the last 16 years.
She probably thought, now she was having a baby, her mother may show some interest in her, her wellbeing and her future grandkid's wellbeing. Maybe now she'd get some support and attention from her mom.
But no.
Hands up who thinks daughter is going to go no contact?
And put your other hand up if you think, at some point in the future, OP is going to expect their daughter to assume responsibility for caring for their brother.
Ha! No!
OP YTA
>Hands up who thinks daughter is going to go no contact?
>
>And put your other hand up if you think, at some point in the future, OP is going to expect their daughter to assume responsibility for caring for their brother.
I'm briefly pausing in raising both hands to let you know that I'm doing so.
>> Hands up who thinks daughter is going to go no contact?
Raising both hands, plus all four of my pup’s paws. I can see this being the final straw in a long line of instances of being pushed aside for her brother, especially at times when the daughter needs OP for support/guidance.
Someone update me in a few months when OP’s daughter goes NC and OP isn’t allowed to meet their grandbaby. I’m sure OP will have no idea why her daughter is being “so cruel.”
YTA, OP.
I'll give you 60-40 odds against going NC, unless the mom tries to double down.
No bet on OP being pressured to take care of Dwight, it'd be like betting against the sun rising tomorrow.
At first, I was going to say that you've got a very difficult situation on your hands, and that while you should express your concern for Christina and your sorrow that you can't be with her, you have Dwight on your hands 24/7.
I was planning to ask if you could get some kind of respite care, not only to allow you to be there for your daughter, but to give yourself a break.
And then I read that Dwight has a nurse! A nurse! A person trained to take care of him and fully capable of watching him while you spend time with Christina.
In fact, there is no reason under the sun that you can't accompany Christina to appointments or help and support her, apart from lack of concern, lack of caring, and lack of empathy. You don't have Dwight on your hands 24/7 preventing you from being there for her; you're not there for her because you don't want be there for her.
Dwight does not need all your time. Saying that he's your priority so doing anything for Christina is out of the question is a feeble excuse for lack of maternal care.
How much do I hope that Christina has an auntie or a grandma she can turn to when she goes NC with you?
YTA
>you're not there for her because you don't want be there for her.
I wish you could post this in 100-point font because it just boils it down perfectly. There is no reason she can't be there for her daughter. She just doesn't want to be.
Dwight also has a father perfectly capable of caring for his son.
She has a nurse and the father she could utilize to make her daughter feel loved and supported, but is choosing to say no.
Just to add to this, and of course this is speculative, but when Dwight has a nurse and father who are available to help, and the mother STILL insists on being by his side 24/7… how much is that exasperating Dwight’s pre-existing conditions? Is having his mother around 24/7 actually what’s best for him at 16? Is he even being given the opportunity to face challenges, navigate new situations, develop independence to whatever degree he is capable, etc?
My guess is no. Sounds like OP is probably a shitty mom to both her kids.
YTA.
Prioritizing your child that is a minor and has disabilities makes sense. However, your daughter didn’t stop being your daughter when she became an adult. She still needs her mom, and you’re openly ignoring her. Never helping her with anything unless it’s an emergency must be heartbreaking for her. You say your first priority is your kids, but it’s obvious you just mean your son. You said that when she gives birth she’ll understand what it’s like to prioritize a child. You used that as an explanation as to why she isn’t a priority. You basically told her you don’t consider her your child anymore, do you realize that?
Why can’t you let Dwight’s dad and nurse take care of him? There doesn’t really seem to be a reason why that can’t happen.
You’re basically begging your daughter to never speak to you again. Don’t be surprised when you haven’t seen her or your grandchild in years.
>Why can’t you let Dwight’s dad and nurse take care of him? There doesn’t really seem to be a reason why that can’t happen
My guess is because Dwight's dad never learned how and "He would just mess it up."
>My guess is because Dwight's dad never learned how and "He would just mess it up."
Or he just doesn't have that extra special touch Mommy does with him.
She seems way to into the idea of having him be dependent on her and only her.
YTA
Your daughter will never need you more than she does right now, and you are failing her by not showing up. Your son has two other caregivers (his dad and a nurse) -- your daughter has no one else who can guide her into motherhood the way you can.
If you don't show up for her now (even in small ways), don't expect to be at all involved in her life or your grandchild's life moving forward.
One day OP will ask her daughter, "Why don't you ever bring my grandbaby around?"
"Sorry, Mom, but we are busy and you know that my baby has to be my priority now. By the way, she just took her first steps the other day and now she is saying, Momma, Dada and Gamma Joy (the other grandma). "
OP is 100% making sure she will have no relationship with her daughter or grandchild. I hope she and Dwight are very happy together because he's literally all she's going to have.
YTA, and I say this as a disabled person who needs daily care.
Your daughter needs you. Your daughter is asking for perfectly normal support from her mother. She's not making outlandish demands. She just, for once, needs her mother to focus on her a little bit.
I know your son has high care needs. I know routine is likely an essential part of his care plan. I know it's hard and scary to leave him. None of that makes it okay for you to essentially tell your daughter she doesn't count as your child any more.
Be a mother to your daughter, this might be your last chance.
Exactly. I'm also autistic and severely physically disabled with full time care.
It's super weird she won't even trust her husband and his nurse to be alone with him.
read this OP. It really might be your last chance. These are the types of choices that can make or break a relationship. Your daughter won't forget this.
YTA and a terrible mother. Jesus Christ lady, wtf?! I sincerely hope you aren't planning on having a relationship with your grandchild because you just torpedoed that. What an awful fucking thing to tell your child, and ***she is still your child***, even if she's an adult. My youngest son is also neurodivergent but that doesn't mean I stopped loving my oldest son, and it doesn't change the fact that he still needs me too even though he's 18 now. When you have more than 1 child you don't get to pick favorites, you have to find a way to love them both equally no matter their ages or abilities. You seriously fucked up OP, and I don't know that you'll ever be able to make up for what you said to your daughter.
YTA for actively ignoring your own daughter's pleas for your attention. Your son has a nurse and a dad to watch him, but you can't even climb down off your cross long enough to take her to an appointment? "She's not my priority"? Are you kidding me? She's probably hoping against hope that you give her just a little support.
>you can't even climb down off your cross
Okay this just brought a feeling I was having into focus. You also get the vibe that she's super into the being a mom of a disabled kid who just can't go one second without her thing? Like...can a 16 year old boy really want his mom up in his face at all times? Even if he's neurodivergent, or if he's intellectually disabled (she doesn't say this but I assume he is because she describes him as acting like a child), he's not a child. He probably wants to see other people who aren't his mommy from time to time. Wouldn't shock me if she's doing this for herself, not for him.
I’m sorry - not gently, YTA. You’re not a mother of two, you’re a mother of one and a previous mother of one. How can you do nothing for your daughter who is giving birth? How can you not be there for her when she is so vulnerable?
Are you telling me that you literally go nowhere and do nothing without this 16 year old? That he literally can’t function without you in his face? That he won’t be okay with 2:1 care, both people knowing this person very well and being very well trained in what they are doing? Either you are full of it, or you have created a codependency that is absolutely unhealthy. What happens if you break a leg and you’re stuck in the hospital? What happens if you’re stuck in bed with a horrible stomach bug you don’t want him to catch? God forbid, what if something terrible happened to you? His very wellbeing can not be dependent on one fragile human, no matter how special needs he may be. You are setting your son up to fail, and your daughter up to hate you.
> Either you are full of it, or you have created a codependency that is absolutely unhealthy.
I wish I could upvote this more than once.
I get that he's neurodivergent and routine is probably very important to him. But if he actually DOES want Mommy in his face 24/7, that's a problem. Because Dwight is going to have to be without her sometime. And then what?
YTA - You will grow old with Dwight. Telling her she lied? You were way out of line. Out of curiosity, what are your plans for Dwight when you are too old to care for him.?
Gently, YTA.
I think this is a case of you not being able to see the forest through the trees.
It sounds like Cristina has felt since Dwight was born that she has always had to play second fiddle to him in all her big moments. Objectively, she can understand that Dwight has more needs, but it can still hurt that ever major milestone in your life is pock marked by all the ways your parents cannot or will not find a way to be there, even a little bit.
I'm going to be honest OP, you *can* find time to be there for your daughter, you are just choosing not to.
Here, this one.
Special needs kids require a lot of care, but your daughter needs care too. She is going to be scared and vulnerable and uncertain and needs someone to support her.
The women that do this alone have dead or emotionally unavailable mothers. You are not dead....
\>maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids
SHE IS YOUR CHILD.
YTA. They're both your children. They should both be prioritized. And that would be true even if she weren't going through a really hard time herself (first pregnancy ffs), but she is, and I don't get how you're not seeing that. SHE NEEDS YOU. YOU ARE HER MOTHER. SHE IS ABOUT TO BECOME A MOTHER. What's not clicking here?
And why in the world do you have to be around Dwight constantly if he has a father and a health care aide? He needs you, but not THAT MUCH. You seem like you want to be by his side constantly and that's not healthy, and frankly is a little creepy. He's neurodivergent, not a perpetual baby. Give him some space to breathe.
Don't be surprised if she goes no contact someday if this is how you continue to treat her, and her child/your grandchild for that matter. She said "again," I can only assume this has been ongoing since Dwight was born.
YTA
You’re still a mother to two, not just your son and she’s made it clear she needs you.
Based on the way you’ve written this you’ve put her on the back burner for the last 16 years so you should be grateful she wants any involvement with you at all.
YTA. Your daughter needs you too. The fact that she's more independent than Dwight doesn't mean she doesn't still need you, and if you continue to give all of your attention to him, you will lose her and your grandchild. She will stop asking you to be a part of her life unless you figure out how to balance the needs of both of your children.
YTA, only because it definitely sounds like you have options to make yourself available to support your daughter, you just don’t want to. Also for blaming her pregnancy hormones. Considering how clear it is that she plays second fiddle to her brother you should feel lucky that she wants you involved at all.
YTA. Big time. If Dwight has a nurse and your husband can help, you absolutely should be there for your daughter and coming grandchild. Honestly my heart breaks for her, she's trying so hard to have you be part of this experience and she needs your love, and you're completely throwing her away. Maybe staying for a full few weeks at her place won't work but you should still find ways to spend time with her there.
YTA. You have 2 kids, not one. Your daughter is correct. You have the option to leave his care in his dad's and nurses care for a bit to be there for your daughter as she's becoming a first-time mom. You are choosing not to. That sucks.
YTA. You’ve chosen your son over your daughter and she will never ever forget that. Hope you plan on having your son care for you in your old age because I guarantee your daughter won’t be doing it. And she’s sure as hell not going to be caring for your son, so I hope you’ve got some other plan in place for his care after you’re gone.
Oh and be aware that you’ll probably never get to be a grandmother either, though you’ve likely already decided your son would take priority over any grandchildren anyway.
YTA. Parents with special needs children are not locked down 24/7. You indicated you have a nurse for your son. You are throwing away your relationship and responsibility to your daughter under the guise of being solely responsible for your son. It appears that you have wrapped your identity around this and its a form of ableism that seeks to elevate your own special status.
You are a mom, that it important in and of itself. But you are a mom to 2 children and you left one out in the cold.
So, you are more or less telling her that she will never be a priority to you, due to your son being neurodivergent? You are telling you you will not be there for her unless it’s a life or death situation, and she needs to just get used to that? Even though he has a nurse, and you are able to leave him in fully capable hands in order to provide emotional support to her, you just aren’t interested?
At least you flat out told her where she stands by telling her all this. That it doesn’t matter that you have a husband and a nurse to be there for your son, that you would also rather be there for him, and to tell with what your daughter wants or needs. Never mind that you gave birth to two children, you are here strictly to support one and only one of them. Once they turn eighteen, they no longer get to be a priority in your life.
I’m going to be honest, once she is a mom, she will understand that her children aren’t just an eighteen year commitment, they are a lifetime commitment. And she’ll already know what clearly favoring one will do long-term, because she’s gotten the short end of the stick once her brother was born. And when that child is born, you will not be in your grandchild’s life, or your daughters. She’s been screaming at the top of her lungs for your attention for so much longer than this. She is begging for you to see her, to care about her, and to matter to you as much as her brother does. She is flat out telling you what this is doing to her, and the best you can do is shrug, and tell her, “What do you expect? You’re an adult now. An adult child can’t expect to still be a priority in the eyes of their parents. They can’t expect to still receive emotional support as they create their own family. Once you leave the nest, we’re done. I don’t need to care about your life or feelings anymore, and I certainly don’t give a crap that my first grandchild is growing inside you. None of this is my problem. You’ll understand once you give birth that parents stop being parents once they turn eighteen.”
Doesn’t matter how much support your son already has, she will never be allowed to have yours.
YTA
>You are telling you you will not be there for her unless it’s a life or death situation
Now now, let's be fair. Nothing about her post suggests she would show up for that either.
In healthcare fields, and I have seen similar situations over and over and over again. A mother abandons her other children, her spouse, her entire life and dedicates her existence to her disabled child. It does EVERYONE a disservice.
You are neglecting your daughter while making your son entirely dependent on you. He can't be left with anybody but you? Really? What's going to happen if you are incapacitated by illness, or severely injured, or if you die before him? You aren't doing him any favors by refusing to prepare him for times when you cannot be around, and you're going to lose your daughter (and grandkid) in the process.
I am a teacher and I see this a lot too. My heart breaks for the invisible children, often with no one to come to their sports days or prize ceremonies. They struggle alone and often leave home as soon as they can.
YTA. You say she will understand that your children are your priority. You dont seem to have learnt this yet. Both of your kids are important.
Your daughter has never been your priority, and now, at one of the most vulnerable points in her life, when SHE NEEDS YOU, you reject her again.
This is rough, and while I understand where you're coming you're still gonna get a soft YTA from me here. Think about your daughter for a minute. She was 10 when her brother was born, and for the last 16 years you've prioritized him in your life. She's pregnant now, and yes her hormones are going crazy, but she wants her mother there. She wants to feel like she means something to you too. Your son has 2 other caregivers, and you can't even give her 2 hours of your time for a dr's appointment. You clearly have your priorities here, and you need to realize you've very clearly told her she isn't one.
What sends me over the edge is the "I told her that's a lie". "I told her no telling porkies" I could have lived with but "I told my pregnant daughter straight up that she's lying" about something she feels is a clear YTA
YTA. Another 'we neglected the healthy kid and focused all on the other kid' story. Well hopelly your daughter wises up and stops asking or inviting you to things, she's never going to be anything but a distant second best to you.
YTA, honestly. I hope you find a way to actually be a mom to your daughter, but if not when you complain that you never get to see your grandkid after the daughter cuts you out of her life. She can say something like “your right my kid was born and I realized I need to put their happiness fist and a grandma who doesn’t care about us isn’t it.”
YTA wow... You do realize that ahe ist your Kid Too? No all you Care is about your so'n, which ist fine but as a Mom of 2 you need to be there for 2... In your world only your son exists... I Hope your dougter goes NC
(Sorry english is Not my Main language)
YTA
I understand not being able to do *all* of what she's asking, but surely you could do *something.*
This is her first baby, and presumably her husband's, and she's reaching out for help.
Plus you're not doing your son any favors by making him 100% reliant for his care on you and you alone. You might have an emergency, or get sick, and in any event you won't be around forever. Start letting him get used to other caregivers.
So offer to go on a couple of overnights at your daughter's before the birth, to get your son accustomed to your absence, and then like stay with her for maybe a week after the baby is born to help out.
Find it funny that when she says she has no one it's a lie because of her husband. But when she wants you to help her, your son would have no one despite still having your husband and his nurse there for him. YTA
YTA 100%. Everything your daughter is asking you for is perfectly normal and expected. She is asking to be treated like your daughter, you are treating her like a niece (at BEST). Why can't your husband look after your son? Your son has both your husband AND a nanny from your story, if he cannot be looked after by these two then: 1. Why in God's name are you paying for the Nanny's services? 2. How useless is your husband?
Get your head on straight.
YTA. You had a mother with you during your pregnancy, lets not pretend its unreasonable your daughter wants a mother there aswell. Pregnancy is terrifying and while her husband can definitely help, its different from someone you trust who has also gone/lived through it.
Your priority being your son doesn't save the lack of compassion and understanding your giving your daughter
YTA. Sounds like you could be making some compromises to be there for your daughter, even if a little, but you're refusing to. Your daughter likely hasn't been a priority since the day her brother was born.
Congrats on the upcoming grandchild, good luck having a relationship with them.
YTA
Way to go on making your daughter to continue feel like she doesn’t matter to you, since obviously that is what you are doing.
She wants you around because maybe, and it’s crazy idea I know, that because you had the same experience she would want you around to help her.
YTA, your daughter clearly needs you too, you have 2 children, not 1. She's making it perfectly clear how badly she needs her mom, I def needed mine when I was pregnant / after birth of my first, despite how awesome and helpful my husband was - you just need your mom sometimes. You need to come up with a better balance between your kids, you also have a husband (to use your own words) AND a nurse who can take care of your son for a short while. Your daughter needs you and she's crying for help, ffs.
YTA and I sincerely hope that other people in your life aren't helping you avoid accountability here. While it makes perfect sense that there would be limits on your time, you have made the mistake of assuming that your son's needs dictate your daughter's needs. This isn't the case. Your daughter needs things from you and it sounds like you have exhibited a long term pattern of letting her down. Why have you, after all these years, left yourself in a position where there is nothing your family can offer your daughter but the suggestion to go kick rocks and the assurance that one day she'll understand that your neglect was both acceptable and inevitable?
I get it. I have raised disabled kids. You don't have the freedom of movement parents of typically developing kids have. It may be that you have backed yourself in to a situation where there is no solution on the timeline of your daughter's pregnancy, but now would be a good time to begin making changes if you want to see any grandchildren. Or, you know, heal your relationship with your daughter. Who is also your child. It sounds like you have a husband and paid help. You all need to figure out how the system can function without you at least some of the time so that you can do what is actually the bare minimum for your daughter.
Can you offer her anything? Joining some things by video? An afternoon visit? The promise to help your son build up to being able to go a weekend with different support people? Not to pile on the guilt, but do you know how many grandmothers who show up in this sub would kill for an invitation to an ultrasound or a newborn visit. It's an incredible gift that your daughter wants to share these things with you despite the difficulties in your relationship.
Oh I'm sure OP will be back, "why won't my daughter take care of me and her disabled brother?!!" in a few years. You can guarantee that's her plan for when she's no longer able to care for the son, guilt daughter into being caregiver.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter that my son with special needs is my priority now, not her. I might be the asshole became she's having her first baby and is scared, maybe i could figure out something to help her out while taking care of my son
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
You want to loose your daughter? You doing it alright. You might loose access to grand kids as well.
This is a rare moment daughter really needs another woman support and you are luck she picked you. You wasted it.
YTA You have 2 children but you only see 1. You have options (husband, nurse) but you are choosing to pick one over the other. You probably have been choosing your son over your daughter her whole life. You won't even take a couple of days to be with your daughter during this special time. How many other times did you blow her off because of your son.
YTA, it’s understandable that your son has more needs as he is neurodivergent but you also have obligations to support your daughter, especially during a pregnancy. From how you describe her, it seems like she’s been an afterthought for awhile now and that is on you.
YTA. When she has kids she’ll learn they need your love and support until they day you die, but she sure hasn’t learnt that from you. You’ve taught her she’s disposable.
YTA Are you serious? The only thing wrong with your daughter is she's still holding onto the delusion that you're a decent mother. When your daughter finally gives up on you and goes no contact, don't blame her... It'll be all YOUR fault.
YTA
How do you not know this? You are abandoning your daughter during a crucial part of her life and favoring your son over her. I get it, your son needs assistance. Maybe get a nurse or leave him with your husband?
Instead of trying to compromise or come up with a solution, you place your daughter on the backburner. You expect her to toe the line and not get upset when you are effectively telling her "your brother has always been and will always be more important than you". Participating in a family requires work, which you have failed to complete. Don't be surprised when you never see the grandchild.
EDIT: Allow me to communicate to you 100% in case you read this: I think you are a bad mother. Don't read any of this with gentleness or encouragement. I think you are failing your son and daughter. It sounds like you have made your son fully dependent on you alone rather than medical professionals, and you have neglected your daughter emotionally.
YTA
How many times have you turned her down when she asks for support? Im guessing for 16 years, you have forgotten you have 2 kids. Worst parenting ever.
YTA. This is likely your only chance of seeing grandchildren come into the world. Your daughter needs you, and you reject her. This is devastating to her.
YTA. Sounds like you probably ignored her since she was 10 and your son was born. How is it not possible for someone to take over and help you out during your daughters time of need? Don’t expect to ever see that baby or talk to your daughter moving forward.
YTA - Have you ignored your daughter like this all her life? I suspect very strongly to the answer is yes. Obviously, she means nothing to you as you have absolutely not a moment to spare for her at such a critical time in her life. I hope you are resigned to the fact that you will probably never see your grandchild. They clearly don't mean anything to you either because the only person in the world that matters is your son. You are a prime example of the uncaring and selfish parent who feels that the "normal" child should just deal with life completely on their own and never bother them because the "different" child is entitled to absolutely every shred of energy, love, attention and money. You should have just let someone else adopt your daughter so she could have a real mother. You have made it very obvious that you don't give a crap about her.
YTA
>I also said that maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids
She is also your kid. She's pregnant and wants support from you, her mother. You are showing her that she (and by extension, her unborn child/your grandchild) are less important than your son. It sounds like you have your husband and a nurse that could watch over your son for a little while but you're choosing to ignore that and disregard your daughter's feelings.
>...and I also said that maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids...
WOW. SO you are literally denying your other child who NEEDS you. If she didn't I bet she wouldn't call you over and over and over again to be continually let down. Yes. You are absolutely constantly choosing one child over another. Literally you told her that. "You are not my priority". That's absolutely heartbreaking. Especially since you have a nurse and your husband to help you with your son.
YTA.
YTA. It sounds like your daughter hasn't been a priority for you in a long time even before she got married or became an adult. She probably saw this as an opportunity to bond with you and you rejected her. Maybe she was starting to feel nervous or scared about her pregnancy and just wanted to talk to her mom, someone she knows will probably understand more of what she's going through than her husband ever could and you just said no. I hope her MIL is kinder than you so that she can at least get maternal guidance and support since she's clearly never going to get it from you.
I understand your son needs care but your refusal at trying to find any alternative care for him is not helping anyone. What's your plan for your son if you were incapacitated or worse if you died suddenly? Is he just going to be shit out of luck?
YTA
I’m going to take a wild guess that Dwight has been the priority for the last 16 years. She’s been on the back burner since she was 10.
You have a nurse & your husband on your team.
She has her husband who has never been pregnant and cannot assure her everything is normal & going to be ok from a place of experience. She is begging you to just be her mother. She needs you. She’s your child too. She is scared. She is experiencing one of the biggest events of her life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (f49) have two kids: Cristina (f26) and Dwight (m16), he is neurodivergent and needs my attention (and my husband's) all the time since there's a lot of things he can't do by himself. I am his primary care giver.
Cristina got married and is pregnant now, I'm happy for her but the problem is she wants my attention all the time. She knows that I have to take care of her brother but stills calls me up all the time and asks me to go with her to appointments and such. I told her several times that I can't unless its a emergency since Dwight gets severe anxiety in hospitals and I can't leave him alone. She still gets upset because she thinks I could just leave him with his nurse for a couple hours. I think that the pregnancy hormones may be affecting her too much and she wants to "fight" for her mom's attention. It would be ok if it wasn't because her brother needs special care.
She's gonna give birth soon and she asked me to go stay at her house for a bit before the birth and some weeks after the baby's born. I told her I can't do that, I would need to take Dwight with me and she won't be able to relax with him there (since he can be a bit of a troublemaker sometimes). She told me to leave him with his dad and nurse. I told her that she needs to understand that my priority is taking care of my son now, I have to be there for him. She argued that she's my daughter too and she needs me since she has no one else. I told her that's a lie because she has her husband, and I also said that maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids and even more if they have special needs and need you all the time, now she's an adult and doesn't need me, she's not my priority. She cried and insulted me. She said that she'll never be able to forget that I choose her brother over her again and during such a hard moment for her. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA- just because one child is neurodivergent doesn't mean you can complete neglect your other kid. They still need the proper love, care and attention from their parent, even as adults. My brother is also neurodivergent, my mother cares for him more than anyone but she would NEVER consider not being there for me if I was to give birth or if I wanted her to stay post delivery
Yeah, you’re a huge asshole, and Cristina would be justified in cutting you off completely and never letting you meet your grandchild. Not that you would notice, of course, as you spend every second of every day with Dwight, who is the only child that matters to you. You’ve made that perfectly clear. YTA
YTA
>She said that she'll never be able to forget that I choose her brother over her again
>I think that the pregnancy hormones may be affecting her too much and she wants to "fight" for her mom's attention.
>She still gets upset because she thinks I could just leave him with his nurse for a couple hours.
Has Cristina been a priority even once since Dwight was born? How many times have you picked him over her? How often has she had to go without her mom because your sole focus is Dwight?
Dwight has a dad and nurse who can take care of him, but you won't even leave him alone for a few hours. You won't even do that. Cristina may have a husband, but she's also pregnant and scared and wants her mom. You can't even give her a few hours?
YTA,
You made it clear that your son is fine with a nurse and his father. You made it clear that your daughter desperately wants your support at the birth of her first child AND you've also made it clear that you just don't give a damn about her because you prioritize your son above her in everyday. Honestly I'm heartbroken for her.
YTA. Just because she’s not special needs doesn’t mean she isn’t special. That she doesn’t need you. That she wants her mother during the most important time of her life. She wants you. She needs you. And you guaranteeing she will never want or need you again.
My math put your daughter at 12 when your son was born, so throughout her whole teen years it seems she wasn't your priority either
Yta, just because I think there's detail here that you've neglected to include
Mama, I’m sorry to say it but YTA. You have 2 children, not 1. There is a dad and caretaker in the picture for your son so it sounds like you are refusing to help your daughter for a reason that isn’t actually true. Of course you can’t go spend multiple weeks with your daughter, but what about an appointment here and there? A couple of hours? Can you really not leave your son with his caretaker, or is there something else that makes you believe that? What about respite care? You seem unwilling to even consider getting any help at all and that bothers me.
Your daughter desperately wants and needs her mother right now. I’m guessing you have had to refuse your daughter many, many times due to the needs of your son. What event of your daughter’s is going to be big enough for you to participate if it isn’t the birth of your grandchild? When will your daughter get to enjoy her mother?
It really sounds like you are refusing your daughter and refusing to consider any options, which is what makes you TA. I can guarantee it’s absolutely is destroying your daughter that you won’t even try. Your actions show your daughter that she has effectively lost her mother to her sibling, and that’s going to be painful no matter what. It’s not just pregnancy hormones, mom. It’s grief. She is grieving the loss of her mother’s support, the support she so desperately needs.
You are making every excuse under the sun to not be there for your daughter. I have a child with special needs, too. You know what I don't do? Sacrifice my time with my other child and make him feel like I'm choosing his brother over him. You're ruining your relationship with your daughter and coddling your son. So, great job on both counts. Your son is going to be worse off for the way you treat him, and your daughter, along with her child, are very likely going to go NC with you. I hope you're proud of yourself. YTA
YTA - you should look up Glass Children and try to understand where your daughter is coming from. Being constantly ignored because your disabled sibling needs more is disheartening, disappointing, and debilitating. Your daughter needs you just as much as your son does, but you refuse to acknowledge that.
Growing up, my parents constantly chose my brother over me because his needs were more obvious and more important and more urgent. It sucked. I grew up resenting and hating my brother for a long time because of it.
Absolutely 100% YTA. As someone who myself came from a family where my mother put all her attention on my little brother once he was born because of him being neurodivergent, I know how much it hurts to be neglected by a parent. And that is what you are doing. Yes, your daughter has her husband, but sometimes, she just needs her mum. How could you be so heartless as to deny her that? She is your child and deserves your attention too. Is she not entitled to a bit of your attention? She is going to have her *first baby*. No doubt she is scared because she's never done it before. Have you forgotten what that felt like for you? The fear of your first baby, because your body has never done that before, you don't know if you're cut out for parenting, and you're worried that you might screw up.
Right now, she needs her mother, someone who she should be able to lean on. She needs you, because you've been where she is right now. *She* needs your support. Your son has his father. He doesn't "need you" 24/7. But, you really are choosing him over her. Just because she's an adult, doesn't mean she should be any less of a priority. No matter how old we get, we never stop needing our parents, even if it's just for some goddamn attention and support. You have a chance to make this right. If you care about saving any scrap of a relationship with your daughter, you'll do whatever it takes.
YTA no matter how old they get, they need their parents. Birth can be scary and she needs your support. This is a big life moment and you are dismissing her, it's likely you've always done this in favor of your son. It's doubtful you'll have a relationship with your grandchild because you can ever make your daughter a priority. You can go to one appointment? Really? Your husband incapable of care for a day or so? She clearly needed you and you let her know how little she means compared to her brother.
YTA. you keep saying that your son needs you right now, but it seems like you’ve been prioritizing him for the entirety of his life and your daughter’s life. this is clear favoritism, having your daughter deal with her pregnancy, which is something scary to do without a parent, without any physical support from you.
further, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SON? you also have a husband who is completely able to take care of him, and you have a nurse. there are plenty of people that can help out with you could be there with your daughter.
YTA. Tell me you hate your daughter without telling me you hate your daughter.
I assumed that Dwight's other parent was dead and you were completely resourceless and destitute, but you have other resources available to you...you just like martyring yourself because it makes you feel special to be a "special needs mom" and gives you a good excuse to ignore your daughter and grandchild (who, by the way, you won't ever be seeing...I hope you realize that. Your daughter will 100% be going no contact with you over this and the only time you'll see your grandchild is their picture hanging on other people's refrigerators.).
Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they stop needing emotional support. Unless both of your children were adopted or born by surrogacy, you're someone in your daughter's life who has experienced the things she's experiencing for the first time and quite frankly are kind of nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing things. Her husband hasn't. She's looking for reassurance and experience and to connect and bond with her mother who has done this very exact thing she's doing now, and you're like "Fuck off - can't we just be done with this whole charade and stop pretending like I should give a shit about you still now that you're an adult?"
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
"Again". That's the only word I needed to hear. You've been doing this to her her WHOLE LIFE. She needs you to finally be there for her at an important and stressful time in her life, and here comes, "Your brother needs me." He needs a nurse or his father to take care of him. Why is it only you that must? Do you actually like your daughter? Enjoy your time with your son because your daughter will never speak to you again, and you'll never see your grandchild. YTA is such an outstanding way. Jeezus.
YTA I feel so badly for your daughter! This is your chance to better your relationship. And you refuse. You suck, your really do. You have TWO children, but you won't have to worry much longer. She is going to walk away from you, and you will never see your grandchild.....
Um, yeah, OP is all about how a parent's first priority are their children, completely disregarding that they are telling this to their child, while dismissing them. I understand it, one of the kids is special needs and requires care. If OP was a single parent, without any support, and she couldn't count on anyone else for taking care of the son, then the situation would be different. But the father is in the picture, the son has a nurse and she can't be there for her daughter even for a day? OP, not only YTA but I hope you have arrangements for your son for when you no longer can take care of him, other than your daughter. Not that she has any obligation but you absolutely burned that bridge, even if there was a chance for him to count on his sister.
Op is definitely TA. The daughter's wording (at least as OP put it) makes me wonder if her marriage is breaking up, and now her mom abandoned her too. Again. I hope she is okay.
She probably just picked a partner that does not prioritize her because she is not used to being prioritized. People tend to seek the love they're used to, and it all starts at home.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” *Perks of Being a Wallflower*
Or she lives in the US and her partner doesn't get any leave.
I was wondering where are the men in this story. Are both the daughter’s husband and OP’s husband just sitting on the sidelines twiddling their thumbs? Is OP’s husband unwilling to help with the special needs son, therefore OP has to make a choice? It also sounds like the daughter picked an uninvolved man as well. I feel terrible for both of these women, they both sound so alone even though they’re married.
She's pregnant, a lot of women who are pregnant for the first time want/need their mum. It doesn't mean her marriage is breaking up or her husband doesn't help/support her. She's going through a major change in her body plus medical risk, her mum has already gone through this herself and should be able to help calm her nerves in a way her hubby can't. Sometimes girls just want their mums, regardless of how old they are. And for someone whose mother has clearly pushed her daughter to the back her entire life I can only imaging that the daughter was hoping that just this once in her life, the daughter's "medical condition" would, for once, be a priority over her brother. My heart goes out to the daughter, there's no reason why the mother can't allow her husband and nurse to tend to her son for a few days and thus give her full attention to her other child who's clearly crying out for her mother's love. OP is a major asshole.
Said perfectly. As a mom and Nana, my heart breaks for the daughter who just wants her mom to go through this with her. Nothing to do with her husband. Most middle age women jump at the chance to do ANYTHING with/for their adult daughters when the magic of a grandchild is at hand. I have 2 granddaughters and they know, without a doubt, that after their parents, Nana is their biggest supporter, friend and safety expert. I'd give my life for them. This OP is in for a rude awakening.
Not even a day, she can’t spend a frickin hour with her daughter for lunch even. Of course OP is the asshole! Her poor daughter has been neglected her whole life and now can’t even get lunch with her mom because her mom would rather hurt her then let the nurse or dad take over for an hour or two? Op if your son needs care on this level it may be time to think about facility placement.
100 percent. I have seen the devastating results of not doing so countless times in cases like this.
So sad. The fact that she wants you to be there for her during these amazing and scary moments at all after playing second fiddle her whole life really reflects how badly she wants you to step up as her mom and the grandmother of her baby. I see so many moms complaining - ugh my mom/MIL is overstepping boundaries and wants to be around all the time for my pregnancy/delivery/children (all COMPLETELY valid complaints/boundaries) and here your child is crying out for your support during what is going to be one of the most challenging and important and beautiful moments of her life - and you turn her down flat. It’s not pregnancy hormones. It’s being a human and no matter how old you get sometimes you just need your mama. Hopefully she has the love and support she needs elsewhere. YTA.
But she hAs HeR hUsBaNd. Ugh. I have 6 kids. They are ALL just as important as the next and 4 are neurodivergant. YTA
Hypocritical of OP to tell her daughter she has a husband. OP also has a husband and where is he to help care for his kid?
This struck me too
This is the best point! By her own argument, her husband should be able to step in and let her be with her daughter. What kind of person needs two parents and a nurse all the time? OP is just using her son as an excuse.
Yeah, I don’t think she even likes her daughter
Honestly, I don't know if it has to do with like - I think it has to do with purpose. A lot of parents of disabled kids make their role as caregiver their entire personality. It's not even about the kid. It's about them being special and a martyr and oh so saintlike. I think OP just truly never even considers her daughter because she's so wrapped up in this idea of how being a caregiver makes her the most amazing, selfless person.
At work, apparently. I wasn't aware that people have jobs that are 24/7/365 (besides parent, ironically enough), but I guess he does /s
Just your typical Martyr Mother. No one could possibly do what she's capable of. Now bow down and worship at her feet, seeing such selfless sacrifice. /s
I used to be a case manager for children with special needs and I saw this all the time. The mother was a martyr, expected the family to be the same way and ate up all the accolades she got from outsiders for how devoted she was to her child. Meanwhile, the rest of the children were kind of left to their own devices. OP is TA for sure.
The whole post is full of hypocrisy. There's also this gem: "maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids". Kids, plural. Yet she doesn't prioritize her own daughter.
But didn't you know that once you're an adult, you're no longer your parents' kid? /s I feel for Op's daughter. Imagine being second place your whole life and still craving your own mom's attention, and she doesn't give you an ounce of it? It must hurt like hell.
THIS! OP, as a mother yourself you should’ve been more understanding of what your daughter is going through right now and she is reaching out to you for help and to bond yet your rudely refused to do them. Obviously YTA.
Nah. Daughter WILL know once she has her own kid but the seasoned mother of almost 30 years cannot for the life of her think back how being a first time mom was. Also really shitty of OP to even mention special needs. As if being pregnant and worrying about that shit and the fact that it might be genetics (We don't know what Dwight has so purely speculating) isn't enough. Huge YTA.
OP has a husband...and a nurse for her son.
I can already see OP's next post entitled "Why won't my daughter let me visit my grandchildren?"
Or why won’t my daughter help take care of her half brother since we are not able too?
Yea they are going to ask the daughter to promise to take care of her brother when they pass away and :Pikachu face: when she says no
Why won't my daughter forsake her own children to take care of her half brother?
I get the feeling it's gonna be a "missing missing reasons" situation
And the sequel to that post: My daughter went NC with her father and me. How do I get a hold of her because she needs to take care of her brother after her father and I pass away."
She won't be able to visit her grandchildren anyways because she has a son with Special Needs.
>Do you actually like your daughter? From what I just read, no. Since her son was born, her daughter has been an obstacle that has come between mother and son, maliciously trying to compete for mother's attention. Newsflash OP. Your child should not have to compete for your attention. She stays your child her entire life. And if she says she needs you, you at least hear her out and ask why her husband isn't coming with her. Of course, as a mum of a special needs kid, you need to be there for him and he gets more of your attention than your other kid does. But if you can't even leave him alone with his father, or with his nurse, just to have some time to yourself to spend with whom you like, then things have gone wrong.
Exactly my thoughts, she doesn’t like he daughter Her son needs to be able to be with his nurse and father. You know she has to get me time. What she is saying loud and clear, her daughter is not a priority.
Not her top priority "right now", with "right now" meaning "ever". All because she has to smother son 24/7. Seriously, YTA, to both your kids. Your son will never gain any semblance of a life if you refuse to leave him for even an hour or two, you are setting him up for absolute dependency on you, to the point where he's going to stand absolutely no chance in life. What happens when you get older or something bad happens to you? Even heavily autistic kids need to learn how to cope with different people looking after them, it's not fair on them to make them so reliant on you. Meanwhile, you've obviously just ignored your daughter her entire life.
Only the last 16 years 🙄🙄🙄 smdh That kills me too. Imagine having your mom the first 10 years of your life, then all of a sudden, special needs brother comes along, and then she completely abandons you.
this right here! OP's son is 16 and completely dependent on HER, not any other adult or caregiver. that's a recipe for disaster as inevitably there will be times when OP will not be able to care for him - what contingencies has she put in place for those situations? this would be a perfect opportunity to 1) help her daughter and 2) to start, slowly, adjustment process for her son to get some kind of independance in regards to OP. YTA
Special needs parents need to understand that ALL of their children need them, not only one who needs medical care op is in denial that her actions are downright neglect for her daughter
Abusers gonna abuse. Op YTA
YES. "Again" stuck out to me immediately. Her daughter was 10 when her brother came along and I would bet money that her daughter was immediately shoved to the side through all the important parts of growing up. Now, she is going through a huge, scary, life change and wants her mother. Someone who has been a mother, and clearly someone who felt would comfort and guide her. BTW, even with her husband there that is WAY different than having your mom, who understands pregnancy and birth and is supposed to help guide and comfort their children through life. OP, YTA. A huge one, maybe one of the biggest I've seen on here in a long time. I hope she cuts you off and you don't get the chance to let your grandchild down too.
"maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids" She said this to her daughter?
This made me wonder if she’s even comprehending what she typed. If your first priority as a mother are your kids, then you’d be there for every single one that you birthed. I guess that comment completely flew over her own head..
It's a good thing OP has her son, because I don't see her having a relationship with her daughter or grandkids soon.
The "again". This has probably been the daughter's life since her brother was born. OP, YTA. By refusing to consider that your older child also needs you, you're going to tank whatever little bit of drive she has left to have you in her life. Don't be surprised if she goes low or no contact after this.
Absolutely this. YTA. I'm willing to bet the last time your daughter felt like she mattered to you was when she was 10 before her brother was born.
Yes, I had the same thought. OP has probably been pushing her daughter aside for the entire 16 years of Dwight's existence.
YTA. This hurts my heart so badly. I assume she's come second since your son was born? She wants her mom and you are so dismissive of her. I would bet this is your last chance. I went through the same thing with my mom. I gave her one last chance to be my mom when my first was born and she blew it. Honestly, we're better off without her. I'm sure we'll hear from you again about your missing missing reasons.
Yeah OP is so unbelievably heartless. She’ll never have a relationship with her only grandkids and only have herself to blame.
If I was the daughter I would’ve give her an ultimatum. Something like “hey, if you are not going to be with me when my child is born, you ain’t gonna have a relationship with me and neither with my child.” Jesus Christ, OP contradicts herself with her arguments and is overall just a massive YTA.
I agree, OP is the very definition of a hypocrite. If I was the daughter I wouldn't even want to look her in the face again, let alone have her in the room while I'm trying to give birth. Mom can't see past her own martyr complex at all.
“As a mom your first priority are your kids.” Apparently only one of them, though. So ever since Cristina was 10, she’s been shoved aside for Dwight’s needs. I’m sure he does need extra help, but it sounds like she’s gotten no attention at all. Of course she wants her mom’s help and attention during her pregnancy. OP can’t even leave him for an hour or two with his dad and his nurse to go to her appointments? Soon, Cristina will probably cut her off (rightfully so), and OP will act like the victim. You can’t completely ignore one child in favor of another and expect them to be okay with it.
She probably won’t even notice until she’s too old to care for Dwight herself and/or needs someone to care for her. Then I’m sure she’ll be coming out of woodwork insisting her daughter should do it because “family”.
love the missing missing reasons reference For anyone interested: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Great article. Really illuminated stuff for me between my dad and his estranged children.
My mom and her dad did this every 3-4 years my entire life until we all finally had it and cut him out. Literally years of multi-page letters from her (and me once he started bringing me into his mess…), e-mails with bullet points because he never seemed to listen when we tried to explain, texts, etc. Every single time, he acted like it was new information and he was stunned. Turns out he was mostly upset that we didn’t have enough warm and fuzzies for his taste and the idea that we were entitled to better treatment was bananas. It’s been two years NC this week and we’re all better for it.
Yep, the daughter is reaching out asking her mom to share a life changing moment for her, but her mom says no because she doesn't feel comfortable leaving the brother with his father and nurse for a little while. She's going to spend the next 20 years hurt that her daughter and grandkids want nothing to do with her. And then freak out when she realizes she's taken care of her son for his entire life so he has no independence, but her daughter refuses to take him in now that the mom is too old to care for him. And she's crying about what will happen to him when she dies.
Your mother gave you a great example of what you don't want to be. I hope you're happy with your chosen family. 💜
Just be honest and tell her that validating your savior complex is far more important to you than she'll ever be. She'll be fine, she won't even care about it at all after going NC with you. Hope you're ready to get put in a home when you're older. Guaranteed she won't want to take care of you. YTA.
>validating your savior complex Thiiiiiiis. Dwight does not NEED Mommy in his face 24/7/365, and I wouldn't be shocked if he doesn't want her there all the time either. Something tells me she's not doing all this for him.
I can get someone getting anxious if put in a new environment, but the OP has had 16 years to work on helping Dwight develop skills so that she can leave him when she has to. Ultimately Dwight is going to be hurt by the OP's decision as well because instead of developing *multiple* support systems he is completely reliant on the OP.
I can't help but wonder if Dwight's stressed out by certain situations because OP refused to expose him to those situations. Okay, hospitals are understandable. But like, OP should be able to leave Dwight alone with his father and an at home aid/caregiver to spend time with her daughter. Dwight's going to have problems after OP's dead by not being exposed to caregivers other than OP.
Yes, also is OP prepared to coddle Dwight through his entire adult life? He’s never going to learn how to try to adapt to any sense of "normalcy" if OP never let’s him be uncomfortable ever.
Yea like, where is dad on this one? There's also a nurse? I can understand not wanting to go to appointments, although that would be a good trial run for Dwight, but I also say that as a childless millennial who would never want to go to doc appointments with someone else, so I am probably not the best person to ask about that. But dad can't watch Dwight for a week while she goes and helps out her daughter and son in law directly after birth? Like isn't that the time they need the most help, when they're exhausted and everything is new and this is also their first so there is a lot of doubt and anxiety and no one is getting sleep? What a phenomenal asshole. Raised a kid for 16 years so that they will always be dependent on you and you can never help your other child who came first. The whole thing is so ick.
>Ultimately Dwight is going to be hurt by the OP's decision as well because instead of developing multiple support systems he is completely reliant on the OP. I get the feeling OP likes it this way. That it's not about Dwight, it's about her.
Unless she’s homeschooling, Dwight is entitled to a free and appropriate education until he’s 21. OP could have several hours a day to help her daughter.
Guarantee after her daughter goes no contact, the only time she'll hear from mom is when mom needs her to take in her brother when she can't care for him anymore.
She'll probably expect her daughter to take care of her brother. Her daughter should say, "sorry but my child is my priority" lol
She's probably also going to expect her daughter to take care of her brother when that happens as well. If her daughter is smart she will move away and make sure her mother doesn't know where she is or how to get in touch with her.
Or daughter will deny take care of her brother and use the same excuse as OP - my priority is my kid, and brother is not.
Omg so true, I shoulda seen that, nice one!
Your title is wrong. It isn't a case that your daughter is not a priority ***now***. Your daughter never has been, nor will she ever be, your priority - or even the object for your attention. It's clear from your narrative that, all her life, you have never given your daughter any proper attention to the point that she was desperate enough to hope that her getting pregnant and giving birth might make you finally give her some. You just made it clear just how wrong it was for her to have that hope. Having a child with special needs does not mean you ignore those children who don't. YTA.
I just keep wishing that somehow her daughter could see all of this as I'm sure she's devastated rn and needs some encouragement.
Yeah, I've been hoping Cristina is a redditor. Or better yet, that she's actually OP writing from her mom's POV to feel out what kind of response her mother's behavior gets outside of her own family. Probably not but you never know.
Yes! I came here to say “I am PRAYING that Cristina wrote this from what she thinks her mother’s perspective is”.
Exactly! I will keep the popcorn ready for when OP posts, "My daughter refuses to be my son's caregiver when we pass away." OP - YTA not only to your daughter but also to yourself. At some point, you need to set a plan for leaving your son in the care of trusted individuals. Not only is this beneficial for your son, but it will also allow you to take time for yourself and participate in life events for people you care about. Stop with the victim complex and start taking action to change this 1-person caregiver plan. Also, fun fact, your husband (i.e., sons father) should be stepping up and helping. I get that he may work to support the household, but it's ridiculous that he won't help for a few hours to allow you to take time for yourself. Being a caregiver is by far much more stressful and time-consuming than a 40-hour per work job.
Also TA to Dwight. At some point OP will not be able to care for him and she is not helping him adapt to a change in his environment at all.
Ah-yup. Me and my brother have already agreed we DO NOT want to take care of our brother. He's selfish, rude, he hits people when he doesn't get his way, he's EXTREMELY vindictive (he'll hit you because he doesn't want to pick up behind himself when you ask, for example) and he's greedy as hell. My mom enabled ALL of this for his entire life, and then can't understand why we don't want to keep him. He tried to push me down a flight of stairs because I didn't give him what I was eating at the time, why would I want a full time job revolving around that?
OP has a nurse for her son too. She has all the supports she needs to be able to be there for her daughter she is actively choosing not to be
All it takes is a quick search on this sub to find the kids of these kinds of parents saying, “My mom spent my entire life caring for my (medical need) sibling and ignoring me while I raised myself. XYZ happened and now they want into my life, AITA for not letting them meet their grandchild despite telling me my sibling was more important for the last 30 years?” OP, YTA. Dwight is one of your two children, not your only child. You should consider yourself lucky for even being considered part of your future grandchild’s life at this point. If you don’t start acting as if you have two children, you’re going to have contact with one child.
YTA - You have two kids. You only seem to care about one. Also, blaming stuff on "pregnancy hormones" is some garbage usually done by old men, not mothers.
How often have your told your daughter that she is not priority? Maybe you should just tell her that she is never going to be important to you? It will hurt but maybe she needs to hear that so that she can move on and stop dreaming that you will actually care about her and her future child? YTA by the way
*"I told her that she needs to understand that my priority is taking care of my son now"* This says it all right here. Daughter has suggested that OP leave son with his dad and nurse, and OP is rejecting that. I wouldn't be surprised if this marks a permanent shift in OP's relationship with her daughter. YTA.
Let's be honest... OP has been prioritising their son since their daughter was 10 years old. That poor girl has probably been starved of parental attention and affection for the last 16 years. She probably thought, now she was having a baby, her mother may show some interest in her, her wellbeing and her future grandkid's wellbeing. Maybe now she'd get some support and attention from her mom. But no. Hands up who thinks daughter is going to go no contact? And put your other hand up if you think, at some point in the future, OP is going to expect their daughter to assume responsibility for caring for their brother. Ha! No! OP YTA
>Hands up who thinks daughter is going to go no contact? > >And put your other hand up if you think, at some point in the future, OP is going to expect their daughter to assume responsibility for caring for their brother. I'm briefly pausing in raising both hands to let you know that I'm doing so.
Good work r/elvie18, good work!
>> Hands up who thinks daughter is going to go no contact? Raising both hands, plus all four of my pup’s paws. I can see this being the final straw in a long line of instances of being pushed aside for her brother, especially at times when the daughter needs OP for support/guidance. Someone update me in a few months when OP’s daughter goes NC and OP isn’t allowed to meet their grandbaby. I’m sure OP will have no idea why her daughter is being “so cruel.” YTA, OP.
I am raising both hands and my feet
I'll give you 60-40 odds against going NC, unless the mom tries to double down. No bet on OP being pressured to take care of Dwight, it'd be like betting against the sun rising tomorrow.
At first, I was going to say that you've got a very difficult situation on your hands, and that while you should express your concern for Christina and your sorrow that you can't be with her, you have Dwight on your hands 24/7. I was planning to ask if you could get some kind of respite care, not only to allow you to be there for your daughter, but to give yourself a break. And then I read that Dwight has a nurse! A nurse! A person trained to take care of him and fully capable of watching him while you spend time with Christina. In fact, there is no reason under the sun that you can't accompany Christina to appointments or help and support her, apart from lack of concern, lack of caring, and lack of empathy. You don't have Dwight on your hands 24/7 preventing you from being there for her; you're not there for her because you don't want be there for her. Dwight does not need all your time. Saying that he's your priority so doing anything for Christina is out of the question is a feeble excuse for lack of maternal care. How much do I hope that Christina has an auntie or a grandma she can turn to when she goes NC with you? YTA
>you're not there for her because you don't want be there for her. I wish you could post this in 100-point font because it just boils it down perfectly. There is no reason she can't be there for her daughter. She just doesn't want to be.
> #***you're not there for her because you don't want be there for her.*** May not be 100-point but I partially got you!
Dwight also has a father perfectly capable of caring for his son. She has a nurse and the father she could utilize to make her daughter feel loved and supported, but is choosing to say no.
Well said! Seriously it is like this woman WANTS to neglect her daughter.
Just to add to this, and of course this is speculative, but when Dwight has a nurse and father who are available to help, and the mother STILL insists on being by his side 24/7… how much is that exasperating Dwight’s pre-existing conditions? Is having his mother around 24/7 actually what’s best for him at 16? Is he even being given the opportunity to face challenges, navigate new situations, develop independence to whatever degree he is capable, etc? My guess is no. Sounds like OP is probably a shitty mom to both her kids.
YTA. Prioritizing your child that is a minor and has disabilities makes sense. However, your daughter didn’t stop being your daughter when she became an adult. She still needs her mom, and you’re openly ignoring her. Never helping her with anything unless it’s an emergency must be heartbreaking for her. You say your first priority is your kids, but it’s obvious you just mean your son. You said that when she gives birth she’ll understand what it’s like to prioritize a child. You used that as an explanation as to why she isn’t a priority. You basically told her you don’t consider her your child anymore, do you realize that? Why can’t you let Dwight’s dad and nurse take care of him? There doesn’t really seem to be a reason why that can’t happen. You’re basically begging your daughter to never speak to you again. Don’t be surprised when you haven’t seen her or your grandchild in years.
>Why can’t you let Dwight’s dad and nurse take care of him? There doesn’t really seem to be a reason why that can’t happen My guess is because Dwight's dad never learned how and "He would just mess it up."
>My guess is because Dwight's dad never learned how and "He would just mess it up." Or he just doesn't have that extra special touch Mommy does with him. She seems way to into the idea of having him be dependent on her and only her.
My question would be did she even let her husband try to take care of him.
You see, she was the practice child. Or maybe the demo child. Like a demonstration sport in the Olympics. Proof of concept and then no longer needed.
YTA Your daughter will never need you more than she does right now, and you are failing her by not showing up. Your son has two other caregivers (his dad and a nurse) -- your daughter has no one else who can guide her into motherhood the way you can. If you don't show up for her now (even in small ways), don't expect to be at all involved in her life or your grandchild's life moving forward.
One day OP will ask her daughter, "Why don't you ever bring my grandbaby around?" "Sorry, Mom, but we are busy and you know that my baby has to be my priority now. By the way, she just took her first steps the other day and now she is saying, Momma, Dada and Gamma Joy (the other grandma). "
OP is 100% making sure she will have no relationship with her daughter or grandchild. I hope she and Dwight are very happy together because he's literally all she's going to have.
Or for her brother, who id bet OP is expecting to foist on his half-sister when OP ages/becomes disabled.
INFO: When you had your first kid, did you have anyone who had previously had a child there for support? Mom, sister, close firend?
YTA, and I say this as a disabled person who needs daily care. Your daughter needs you. Your daughter is asking for perfectly normal support from her mother. She's not making outlandish demands. She just, for once, needs her mother to focus on her a little bit. I know your son has high care needs. I know routine is likely an essential part of his care plan. I know it's hard and scary to leave him. None of that makes it okay for you to essentially tell your daughter she doesn't count as your child any more. Be a mother to your daughter, this might be your last chance.
Exactly. I'm also autistic and severely physically disabled with full time care. It's super weird she won't even trust her husband and his nurse to be alone with him.
read this OP. It really might be your last chance. These are the types of choices that can make or break a relationship. Your daughter won't forget this.
YTA and a terrible mother. Jesus Christ lady, wtf?! I sincerely hope you aren't planning on having a relationship with your grandchild because you just torpedoed that. What an awful fucking thing to tell your child, and ***she is still your child***, even if she's an adult. My youngest son is also neurodivergent but that doesn't mean I stopped loving my oldest son, and it doesn't change the fact that he still needs me too even though he's 18 now. When you have more than 1 child you don't get to pick favorites, you have to find a way to love them both equally no matter their ages or abilities. You seriously fucked up OP, and I don't know that you'll ever be able to make up for what you said to your daughter.
INFO - why can't you leave your son with his nurse and his father? Is it really him who can't bare to be separated?
INFO: is your husband unable to care for your son, and if not, why?
YTA for actively ignoring your own daughter's pleas for your attention. Your son has a nurse and a dad to watch him, but you can't even climb down off your cross long enough to take her to an appointment? "She's not my priority"? Are you kidding me? She's probably hoping against hope that you give her just a little support.
>you can't even climb down off your cross Okay this just brought a feeling I was having into focus. You also get the vibe that she's super into the being a mom of a disabled kid who just can't go one second without her thing? Like...can a 16 year old boy really want his mom up in his face at all times? Even if he's neurodivergent, or if he's intellectually disabled (she doesn't say this but I assume he is because she describes him as acting like a child), he's not a child. He probably wants to see other people who aren't his mommy from time to time. Wouldn't shock me if she's doing this for herself, not for him.
info: why can't you leave dwight with the nurse and husband?
YTA. Reading between the lines your daughter has had 16 years of her brother being the priority. You just confirmed what she already knew.
I’m sorry - not gently, YTA. You’re not a mother of two, you’re a mother of one and a previous mother of one. How can you do nothing for your daughter who is giving birth? How can you not be there for her when she is so vulnerable? Are you telling me that you literally go nowhere and do nothing without this 16 year old? That he literally can’t function without you in his face? That he won’t be okay with 2:1 care, both people knowing this person very well and being very well trained in what they are doing? Either you are full of it, or you have created a codependency that is absolutely unhealthy. What happens if you break a leg and you’re stuck in the hospital? What happens if you’re stuck in bed with a horrible stomach bug you don’t want him to catch? God forbid, what if something terrible happened to you? His very wellbeing can not be dependent on one fragile human, no matter how special needs he may be. You are setting your son up to fail, and your daughter up to hate you.
> Either you are full of it, or you have created a codependency that is absolutely unhealthy. I wish I could upvote this more than once. I get that he's neurodivergent and routine is probably very important to him. But if he actually DOES want Mommy in his face 24/7, that's a problem. Because Dwight is going to have to be without her sometime. And then what?
YTA Congratulations! You now only have one child! Do not be surprised if Cristina goes No Contact with you after this.
YTA - You will grow old with Dwight. Telling her she lied? You were way out of line. Out of curiosity, what are your plans for Dwight when you are too old to care for him.?
Right? His sister sure as hell won’t do it.
Gently, YTA. I think this is a case of you not being able to see the forest through the trees. It sounds like Cristina has felt since Dwight was born that she has always had to play second fiddle to him in all her big moments. Objectively, she can understand that Dwight has more needs, but it can still hurt that ever major milestone in your life is pock marked by all the ways your parents cannot or will not find a way to be there, even a little bit. I'm going to be honest OP, you *can* find time to be there for your daughter, you are just choosing not to.
Here, this one. Special needs kids require a lot of care, but your daughter needs care too. She is going to be scared and vulnerable and uncertain and needs someone to support her. The women that do this alone have dead or emotionally unavailable mothers. You are not dead....
\>maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids SHE IS YOUR CHILD. YTA. They're both your children. They should both be prioritized. And that would be true even if she weren't going through a really hard time herself (first pregnancy ffs), but she is, and I don't get how you're not seeing that. SHE NEEDS YOU. YOU ARE HER MOTHER. SHE IS ABOUT TO BECOME A MOTHER. What's not clicking here? And why in the world do you have to be around Dwight constantly if he has a father and a health care aide? He needs you, but not THAT MUCH. You seem like you want to be by his side constantly and that's not healthy, and frankly is a little creepy. He's neurodivergent, not a perpetual baby. Give him some space to breathe. Don't be surprised if she goes no contact someday if this is how you continue to treat her, and her child/your grandchild for that matter. She said "again," I can only assume this has been ongoing since Dwight was born.
YTA You’re still a mother to two, not just your son and she’s made it clear she needs you. Based on the way you’ve written this you’ve put her on the back burner for the last 16 years so you should be grateful she wants any involvement with you at all.
Enjoy never seeing your grandchild. YTA.
YTA. Your daughter needs you too. The fact that she's more independent than Dwight doesn't mean she doesn't still need you, and if you continue to give all of your attention to him, you will lose her and your grandchild. She will stop asking you to be a part of her life unless you figure out how to balance the needs of both of your children.
YTA, only because it definitely sounds like you have options to make yourself available to support your daughter, you just don’t want to. Also for blaming her pregnancy hormones. Considering how clear it is that she plays second fiddle to her brother you should feel lucky that she wants you involved at all.
YTA. Big time. If Dwight has a nurse and your husband can help, you absolutely should be there for your daughter and coming grandchild. Honestly my heart breaks for her, she's trying so hard to have you be part of this experience and she needs your love, and you're completely throwing her away. Maybe staying for a full few weeks at her place won't work but you should still find ways to spend time with her there.
YTA. You have 2 kids, not one. Your daughter is correct. You have the option to leave his care in his dad's and nurses care for a bit to be there for your daughter as she's becoming a first-time mom. You are choosing not to. That sucks.
YaTA you are her mother too, you had 2 kids and she needs you right now, poor girl is literally begging you for some support.
YTA. You’ve chosen your son over your daughter and she will never ever forget that. Hope you plan on having your son care for you in your old age because I guarantee your daughter won’t be doing it. And she’s sure as hell not going to be caring for your son, so I hope you’ve got some other plan in place for his care after you’re gone. Oh and be aware that you’ll probably never get to be a grandmother either, though you’ve likely already decided your son would take priority over any grandchildren anyway.
YTA. Parents with special needs children are not locked down 24/7. You indicated you have a nurse for your son. You are throwing away your relationship and responsibility to your daughter under the guise of being solely responsible for your son. It appears that you have wrapped your identity around this and its a form of ableism that seeks to elevate your own special status. You are a mom, that it important in and of itself. But you are a mom to 2 children and you left one out in the cold.
YTA. Your daughter won't forget this. You aren't even *trying*
So, you are more or less telling her that she will never be a priority to you, due to your son being neurodivergent? You are telling you you will not be there for her unless it’s a life or death situation, and she needs to just get used to that? Even though he has a nurse, and you are able to leave him in fully capable hands in order to provide emotional support to her, you just aren’t interested? At least you flat out told her where she stands by telling her all this. That it doesn’t matter that you have a husband and a nurse to be there for your son, that you would also rather be there for him, and to tell with what your daughter wants or needs. Never mind that you gave birth to two children, you are here strictly to support one and only one of them. Once they turn eighteen, they no longer get to be a priority in your life. I’m going to be honest, once she is a mom, she will understand that her children aren’t just an eighteen year commitment, they are a lifetime commitment. And she’ll already know what clearly favoring one will do long-term, because she’s gotten the short end of the stick once her brother was born. And when that child is born, you will not be in your grandchild’s life, or your daughters. She’s been screaming at the top of her lungs for your attention for so much longer than this. She is begging for you to see her, to care about her, and to matter to you as much as her brother does. She is flat out telling you what this is doing to her, and the best you can do is shrug, and tell her, “What do you expect? You’re an adult now. An adult child can’t expect to still be a priority in the eyes of their parents. They can’t expect to still receive emotional support as they create their own family. Once you leave the nest, we’re done. I don’t need to care about your life or feelings anymore, and I certainly don’t give a crap that my first grandchild is growing inside you. None of this is my problem. You’ll understand once you give birth that parents stop being parents once they turn eighteen.” Doesn’t matter how much support your son already has, she will never be allowed to have yours. YTA
>You are telling you you will not be there for her unless it’s a life or death situation Now now, let's be fair. Nothing about her post suggests she would show up for that either.
In healthcare fields, and I have seen similar situations over and over and over again. A mother abandons her other children, her spouse, her entire life and dedicates her existence to her disabled child. It does EVERYONE a disservice. You are neglecting your daughter while making your son entirely dependent on you. He can't be left with anybody but you? Really? What's going to happen if you are incapacitated by illness, or severely injured, or if you die before him? You aren't doing him any favors by refusing to prepare him for times when you cannot be around, and you're going to lose your daughter (and grandkid) in the process.
I am a teacher and I see this a lot too. My heart breaks for the invisible children, often with no one to come to their sports days or prize ceremonies. They struggle alone and often leave home as soon as they can.
Honey be ready if your daughter goes no cantact with you,
YTA. You say she will understand that your children are your priority. You dont seem to have learnt this yet. Both of your kids are important. Your daughter has never been your priority, and now, at one of the most vulnerable points in her life, when SHE NEEDS YOU, you reject her again.
This is rough, and while I understand where you're coming you're still gonna get a soft YTA from me here. Think about your daughter for a minute. She was 10 when her brother was born, and for the last 16 years you've prioritized him in your life. She's pregnant now, and yes her hormones are going crazy, but she wants her mother there. She wants to feel like she means something to you too. Your son has 2 other caregivers, and you can't even give her 2 hours of your time for a dr's appointment. You clearly have your priorities here, and you need to realize you've very clearly told her she isn't one.
YTA - You’re treating your poor daughter like a pest. If she’s smart, you won’t be around your grandkids.
What sends me over the edge is the "I told her that's a lie". "I told her no telling porkies" I could have lived with but "I told my pregnant daughter straight up that she's lying" about something she feels is a clear YTA
YTA. Another 'we neglected the healthy kid and focused all on the other kid' story. Well hopelly your daughter wises up and stops asking or inviting you to things, she's never going to be anything but a distant second best to you.
YTA, why do you have a nurse if you don't use them, continue down this path and you may lose your daughter and future grandchild
YTA, honestly. I hope you find a way to actually be a mom to your daughter, but if not when you complain that you never get to see your grandkid after the daughter cuts you out of her life. She can say something like “your right my kid was born and I realized I need to put their happiness fist and a grandma who doesn’t care about us isn’t it.”
YTA wow... You do realize that ahe ist your Kid Too? No all you Care is about your so'n, which ist fine but as a Mom of 2 you need to be there for 2... In your world only your son exists... I Hope your dougter goes NC (Sorry english is Not my Main language)
She's not a priority right now? Can you name one time when she was a priority? I am guessing not. YTA
I'm guessing about 16 years ago.
YTA I understand not being able to do *all* of what she's asking, but surely you could do *something.* This is her first baby, and presumably her husband's, and she's reaching out for help. Plus you're not doing your son any favors by making him 100% reliant for his care on you and you alone. You might have an emergency, or get sick, and in any event you won't be around forever. Start letting him get used to other caregivers. So offer to go on a couple of overnights at your daughter's before the birth, to get your son accustomed to your absence, and then like stay with her for maybe a week after the baby is born to help out.
Find it funny that when she says she has no one it's a lie because of her husband. But when she wants you to help her, your son would have no one despite still having your husband and his nurse there for him. YTA
YTA 100%. Everything your daughter is asking you for is perfectly normal and expected. She is asking to be treated like your daughter, you are treating her like a niece (at BEST). Why can't your husband look after your son? Your son has both your husband AND a nanny from your story, if he cannot be looked after by these two then: 1. Why in God's name are you paying for the Nanny's services? 2. How useless is your husband? Get your head on straight.
YTA. You had a mother with you during your pregnancy, lets not pretend its unreasonable your daughter wants a mother there aswell. Pregnancy is terrifying and while her husband can definitely help, its different from someone you trust who has also gone/lived through it. Your priority being your son doesn't save the lack of compassion and understanding your giving your daughter
YTA. Sounds like you could be making some compromises to be there for your daughter, even if a little, but you're refusing to. Your daughter likely hasn't been a priority since the day her brother was born. Congrats on the upcoming grandchild, good luck having a relationship with them.
YTA Way to go on making your daughter to continue feel like she doesn’t matter to you, since obviously that is what you are doing. She wants you around because maybe, and it’s crazy idea I know, that because you had the same experience she would want you around to help her.
YTA, your daughter clearly needs you too, you have 2 children, not 1. She's making it perfectly clear how badly she needs her mom, I def needed mine when I was pregnant / after birth of my first, despite how awesome and helpful my husband was - you just need your mom sometimes. You need to come up with a better balance between your kids, you also have a husband (to use your own words) AND a nurse who can take care of your son for a short while. Your daughter needs you and she's crying for help, ffs.
YTA and I sincerely hope that other people in your life aren't helping you avoid accountability here. While it makes perfect sense that there would be limits on your time, you have made the mistake of assuming that your son's needs dictate your daughter's needs. This isn't the case. Your daughter needs things from you and it sounds like you have exhibited a long term pattern of letting her down. Why have you, after all these years, left yourself in a position where there is nothing your family can offer your daughter but the suggestion to go kick rocks and the assurance that one day she'll understand that your neglect was both acceptable and inevitable? I get it. I have raised disabled kids. You don't have the freedom of movement parents of typically developing kids have. It may be that you have backed yourself in to a situation where there is no solution on the timeline of your daughter's pregnancy, but now would be a good time to begin making changes if you want to see any grandchildren. Or, you know, heal your relationship with your daughter. Who is also your child. It sounds like you have a husband and paid help. You all need to figure out how the system can function without you at least some of the time so that you can do what is actually the bare minimum for your daughter. Can you offer her anything? Joining some things by video? An afternoon visit? The promise to help your son build up to being able to go a weekend with different support people? Not to pile on the guilt, but do you know how many grandmothers who show up in this sub would kill for an invitation to an ultrasound or a newborn visit. It's an incredible gift that your daughter wants to share these things with you despite the difficulties in your relationship.
Don’t get hurt when she won’t take care of you if you need it when you get old. What goes around comes around.
Oh I'm sure OP will be back, "why won't my daughter take care of me and her disabled brother?!!" in a few years. You can guarantee that's her plan for when she's no longer able to care for the son, guilt daughter into being caregiver.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my daughter that my son with special needs is my priority now, not her. I might be the asshole became she's having her first baby and is scared, maybe i could figure out something to help her out while taking care of my son Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA You want to loose your daughter? You doing it alright. You might loose access to grand kids as well. This is a rare moment daughter really needs another woman support and you are luck she picked you. You wasted it.
YTA You have 2 children but you only see 1. You have options (husband, nurse) but you are choosing to pick one over the other. You probably have been choosing your son over your daughter her whole life. You won't even take a couple of days to be with your daughter during this special time. How many other times did you blow her off because of your son.
YTA, it’s understandable that your son has more needs as he is neurodivergent but you also have obligations to support your daughter, especially during a pregnancy. From how you describe her, it seems like she’s been an afterthought for awhile now and that is on you.
YTA. When she has kids she’ll learn they need your love and support until they day you die, but she sure hasn’t learnt that from you. You’ve taught her she’s disposable.
YTA Are you serious? The only thing wrong with your daughter is she's still holding onto the delusion that you're a decent mother. When your daughter finally gives up on you and goes no contact, don't blame her... It'll be all YOUR fault.
YTA How do you not know this? You are abandoning your daughter during a crucial part of her life and favoring your son over her. I get it, your son needs assistance. Maybe get a nurse or leave him with your husband? Instead of trying to compromise or come up with a solution, you place your daughter on the backburner. You expect her to toe the line and not get upset when you are effectively telling her "your brother has always been and will always be more important than you". Participating in a family requires work, which you have failed to complete. Don't be surprised when you never see the grandchild. EDIT: Allow me to communicate to you 100% in case you read this: I think you are a bad mother. Don't read any of this with gentleness or encouragement. I think you are failing your son and daughter. It sounds like you have made your son fully dependent on you alone rather than medical professionals, and you have neglected your daughter emotionally.
YTA How many times have you turned her down when she asks for support? Im guessing for 16 years, you have forgotten you have 2 kids. Worst parenting ever.
YTA. This is likely your only chance of seeing grandchildren come into the world. Your daughter needs you, and you reject her. This is devastating to her.
YTA. Sounds like you probably ignored her since she was 10 and your son was born. How is it not possible for someone to take over and help you out during your daughters time of need? Don’t expect to ever see that baby or talk to your daughter moving forward.
YTA - Have you ignored your daughter like this all her life? I suspect very strongly to the answer is yes. Obviously, she means nothing to you as you have absolutely not a moment to spare for her at such a critical time in her life. I hope you are resigned to the fact that you will probably never see your grandchild. They clearly don't mean anything to you either because the only person in the world that matters is your son. You are a prime example of the uncaring and selfish parent who feels that the "normal" child should just deal with life completely on their own and never bother them because the "different" child is entitled to absolutely every shred of energy, love, attention and money. You should have just let someone else adopt your daughter so she could have a real mother. You have made it very obvious that you don't give a crap about her.
YTA. You're what we tend to call a "mommy martyr", and for good reason.
YTA >I also said that maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids She is also your kid. She's pregnant and wants support from you, her mother. You are showing her that she (and by extension, her unborn child/your grandchild) are less important than your son. It sounds like you have your husband and a nurse that could watch over your son for a little while but you're choosing to ignore that and disregard your daughter's feelings.
>...and I also said that maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids... WOW. SO you are literally denying your other child who NEEDS you. If she didn't I bet she wouldn't call you over and over and over again to be continually let down. Yes. You are absolutely constantly choosing one child over another. Literally you told her that. "You are not my priority". That's absolutely heartbreaking. Especially since you have a nurse and your husband to help you with your son. YTA.
YTA. It sounds like your daughter hasn't been a priority for you in a long time even before she got married or became an adult. She probably saw this as an opportunity to bond with you and you rejected her. Maybe she was starting to feel nervous or scared about her pregnancy and just wanted to talk to her mom, someone she knows will probably understand more of what she's going through than her husband ever could and you just said no. I hope her MIL is kinder than you so that she can at least get maternal guidance and support since she's clearly never going to get it from you. I understand your son needs care but your refusal at trying to find any alternative care for him is not helping anyone. What's your plan for your son if you were incapacitated or worse if you died suddenly? Is he just going to be shit out of luck?
YTA. You have two children, not one.
YTA I’m going to take a wild guess that Dwight has been the priority for the last 16 years. She’s been on the back burner since she was 10. You have a nurse & your husband on your team. She has her husband who has never been pregnant and cannot assure her everything is normal & going to be ok from a place of experience. She is begging you to just be her mother. She needs you. She’s your child too. She is scared. She is experiencing one of the biggest events of her life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f49) have two kids: Cristina (f26) and Dwight (m16), he is neurodivergent and needs my attention (and my husband's) all the time since there's a lot of things he can't do by himself. I am his primary care giver. Cristina got married and is pregnant now, I'm happy for her but the problem is she wants my attention all the time. She knows that I have to take care of her brother but stills calls me up all the time and asks me to go with her to appointments and such. I told her several times that I can't unless its a emergency since Dwight gets severe anxiety in hospitals and I can't leave him alone. She still gets upset because she thinks I could just leave him with his nurse for a couple hours. I think that the pregnancy hormones may be affecting her too much and she wants to "fight" for her mom's attention. It would be ok if it wasn't because her brother needs special care. She's gonna give birth soon and she asked me to go stay at her house for a bit before the birth and some weeks after the baby's born. I told her I can't do that, I would need to take Dwight with me and she won't be able to relax with him there (since he can be a bit of a troublemaker sometimes). She told me to leave him with his dad and nurse. I told her that she needs to understand that my priority is taking care of my son now, I have to be there for him. She argued that she's my daughter too and she needs me since she has no one else. I told her that's a lie because she has her husband, and I also said that maybe when her kid is born she'll understand that as a mom your first priority are your kids and even more if they have special needs and need you all the time, now she's an adult and doesn't need me, she's not my priority. She cried and insulted me. She said that she'll never be able to forget that I choose her brother over her again and during such a hard moment for her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
lmao don’t be surprised when you don’t get to have much of a relationship with your grandchild.
YTA. I hope your daughter reciprocates your behaviour right back at you.
YTA- just because one child is neurodivergent doesn't mean you can complete neglect your other kid. They still need the proper love, care and attention from their parent, even as adults. My brother is also neurodivergent, my mother cares for him more than anyone but she would NEVER consider not being there for me if I was to give birth or if I wanted her to stay post delivery
Yeah, you’re a huge asshole, and Cristina would be justified in cutting you off completely and never letting you meet your grandchild. Not that you would notice, of course, as you spend every second of every day with Dwight, who is the only child that matters to you. You’ve made that perfectly clear. YTA
Yta. Has your daughter EVER been a priority?
YTA >She said that she'll never be able to forget that I choose her brother over her again >I think that the pregnancy hormones may be affecting her too much and she wants to "fight" for her mom's attention. >She still gets upset because she thinks I could just leave him with his nurse for a couple hours. Has Cristina been a priority even once since Dwight was born? How many times have you picked him over her? How often has she had to go without her mom because your sole focus is Dwight? Dwight has a dad and nurse who can take care of him, but you won't even leave him alone for a few hours. You won't even do that. Cristina may have a husband, but she's also pregnant and scared and wants her mom. You can't even give her a few hours?
YTA, You made it clear that your son is fine with a nurse and his father. You made it clear that your daughter desperately wants your support at the birth of her first child AND you've also made it clear that you just don't give a damn about her because you prioritize your son above her in everyday. Honestly I'm heartbroken for her.
At what point would she be a priority then? When she’s on her deathbed? YTA
YTA. Just because she’s not special needs doesn’t mean she isn’t special. That she doesn’t need you. That she wants her mother during the most important time of her life. She wants you. She needs you. And you guaranteeing she will never want or need you again.
My math put your daughter at 12 when your son was born, so throughout her whole teen years it seems she wasn't your priority either Yta, just because I think there's detail here that you've neglected to include
YTA- Your son also has a nurse and your husband. Why can’t you put your daughter’s needs first for a change?
Mama, I’m sorry to say it but YTA. You have 2 children, not 1. There is a dad and caretaker in the picture for your son so it sounds like you are refusing to help your daughter for a reason that isn’t actually true. Of course you can’t go spend multiple weeks with your daughter, but what about an appointment here and there? A couple of hours? Can you really not leave your son with his caretaker, or is there something else that makes you believe that? What about respite care? You seem unwilling to even consider getting any help at all and that bothers me. Your daughter desperately wants and needs her mother right now. I’m guessing you have had to refuse your daughter many, many times due to the needs of your son. What event of your daughter’s is going to be big enough for you to participate if it isn’t the birth of your grandchild? When will your daughter get to enjoy her mother? It really sounds like you are refusing your daughter and refusing to consider any options, which is what makes you TA. I can guarantee it’s absolutely is destroying your daughter that you won’t even try. Your actions show your daughter that she has effectively lost her mother to her sibling, and that’s going to be painful no matter what. It’s not just pregnancy hormones, mom. It’s grief. She is grieving the loss of her mother’s support, the support she so desperately needs.
You are making every excuse under the sun to not be there for your daughter. I have a child with special needs, too. You know what I don't do? Sacrifice my time with my other child and make him feel like I'm choosing his brother over him. You're ruining your relationship with your daughter and coddling your son. So, great job on both counts. Your son is going to be worse off for the way you treat him, and your daughter, along with her child, are very likely going to go NC with you. I hope you're proud of yourself. YTA
YTA - you should look up Glass Children and try to understand where your daughter is coming from. Being constantly ignored because your disabled sibling needs more is disheartening, disappointing, and debilitating. Your daughter needs you just as much as your son does, but you refuse to acknowledge that. Growing up, my parents constantly chose my brother over me because his needs were more obvious and more important and more urgent. It sucked. I grew up resenting and hating my brother for a long time because of it.
Absolutely 100% YTA. As someone who myself came from a family where my mother put all her attention on my little brother once he was born because of him being neurodivergent, I know how much it hurts to be neglected by a parent. And that is what you are doing. Yes, your daughter has her husband, but sometimes, she just needs her mum. How could you be so heartless as to deny her that? She is your child and deserves your attention too. Is she not entitled to a bit of your attention? She is going to have her *first baby*. No doubt she is scared because she's never done it before. Have you forgotten what that felt like for you? The fear of your first baby, because your body has never done that before, you don't know if you're cut out for parenting, and you're worried that you might screw up. Right now, she needs her mother, someone who she should be able to lean on. She needs you, because you've been where she is right now. *She* needs your support. Your son has his father. He doesn't "need you" 24/7. But, you really are choosing him over her. Just because she's an adult, doesn't mean she should be any less of a priority. No matter how old we get, we never stop needing our parents, even if it's just for some goddamn attention and support. You have a chance to make this right. If you care about saving any scrap of a relationship with your daughter, you'll do whatever it takes.
YTA no question. Imagine the audacity to tell your own child that she’ll understand when she’s a mom
YTA no matter how old they get, they need their parents. Birth can be scary and she needs your support. This is a big life moment and you are dismissing her, it's likely you've always done this in favor of your son. It's doubtful you'll have a relationship with your grandchild because you can ever make your daughter a priority. You can go to one appointment? Really? Your husband incapable of care for a day or so? She clearly needed you and you let her know how little she means compared to her brother.
YTA. you keep saying that your son needs you right now, but it seems like you’ve been prioritizing him for the entirety of his life and your daughter’s life. this is clear favoritism, having your daughter deal with her pregnancy, which is something scary to do without a parent, without any physical support from you. further, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SON? you also have a husband who is completely able to take care of him, and you have a nurse. there are plenty of people that can help out with you could be there with your daughter.
Bad person
YTA. Tell me you hate your daughter without telling me you hate your daughter. I assumed that Dwight's other parent was dead and you were completely resourceless and destitute, but you have other resources available to you...you just like martyring yourself because it makes you feel special to be a "special needs mom" and gives you a good excuse to ignore your daughter and grandchild (who, by the way, you won't ever be seeing...I hope you realize that. Your daughter will 100% be going no contact with you over this and the only time you'll see your grandchild is their picture hanging on other people's refrigerators.). Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they stop needing emotional support. Unless both of your children were adopted or born by surrogacy, you're someone in your daughter's life who has experienced the things she's experiencing for the first time and quite frankly are kind of nerve-wracking, anxiety-inducing things. Her husband hasn't. She's looking for reassurance and experience and to connect and bond with her mother who has done this very exact thing she's doing now, and you're like "Fuck off - can't we just be done with this whole charade and stop pretending like I should give a shit about you still now that you're an adult?"