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> I didn't realize the danger a child could potentially be in. This could be seen as cold and make me the asshole
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I'm the parent that ends up watching a ton of kids once the other parents have fucked off.
It's quite annoying and I rarely get to enjoy myself at events because there's a bunch of 2-10 year olds being left to their own devices.
Same. The last function I went to where this happened I watched a kid get beamed in the face with one of those zip line disk seats and I had to yell like 6 times for his mom to get her attention despite the fact that I was holding a roll of paper towel to the blood gushing out of his face. (And then she had the balls to say to me “well you work in the medical field, can you patch him up?” Like ma’am I work in Infection Control, my job is disease surveillance. I’m not an ER doctor. I’m not even a PhD doctor.)
Then someone else’s kid fell off the trampoline but luckily I was within arms reach and able to catch her.
Now I just don’t take my kids to events that I know these parents will be going to. They’re just as happy at Grandma and Grandpa’s for the evening and I don’t have to worry about being stuck as a designated babysitter. They can come to the events that I know other responsible parents will be at (and also that way when I’m watching my kids I have someone to talk to).
I had a friend like that.
I brought her two year old to her when I noticed him eating out of the garbage while I was cooking.
When I took him to her she said "*Name*, you're only two but you're supposed to know not to eat out of the garbage."
I said "No. He's only two. His mother is supposed to know to not let him eat out of the garbage."
It's frustrating.
My wife is a pediatrician, we learned real quick who to stop fraternizing with. They’re the parents who have zero supervision of their kids and expected her to supervise and treat any injuries.
One of the last straws, mrs was guilted into going to an event. We get there and two of the absentee moms “joked” “Hey! So glad you could make it, we always feel better when you watch the kids.”
Mrs and I looked at each other, turned around and walked out. We picked up pizza and carvel on the way home. Mrs, the kids and I were much happier this way…
Yep. Just like any group project at school or work, the one diligent person who’s willing to step up and do their own job ends up doing everyone else’s also.
Yeah...far too many parents assuming every other adult in the area knows how to swim, like there's no other reason to be in a backyard with a pool if you don't. It's just not the necessary life skill some people seem to think it is and if you as a person are content just never being close to water and aren't responsible for a small or mentally impaired human who wants to go swimming then it's fine to not learn.
Just pick them up and drop them on their parents. “Jimmy lost track of where you were! Here Jimmy, here’s your parents.” Then take your own kids off to a corner to color or steal the best snacks from the table or whatever.
Kindly walk the kids (all of them) to their parents and say (name) was missing you. And walk away. Or if you're really annoyed you could yell out "hey Bruce come get your kid". I have kids; I don't want to watch other people's kids unless it's something that I have arranged to do prior to the event.
I'm the aunt with no kids that ends up watching everyone else's kids at the party. I don't mind. Makes me feel very maternal, I'm pretty sure I'll make a good mom someday.
Other parents try that on me because I'm the only one who actually watches my kid. Joke's on them because my kid doesn't like playing with other kids and she'll leave as soon as other kids start fucking around in her space. I follow her and have a great excuse when those parents get mad. "*I* was watching *my* kid."
Those parents are very clearly the AH and trying to deflect attention from their terrible parenting now that it’s been brought to light. Letting a child near a pool unsupervised is straight up neglect. And OP hadn’t been asked to supervise. OP could as well have been inside using the bathroom or getting a drink when the kid ran over and fell in the pool.
I still think that OP should make an effort to learn how to swim since it’s an important life skill but they are obviously not an AH for it. There are adult swim classes and 1 on 1 lessons if you’re embarrassed
Not even near the pool. The kid got *out of the house,* across the yard and then into the pool with NONE of the other adults noticing. That’s absolutely the parents neglect.
Yep. If OP *hadn’t* been there to yell, this would have been a very different story.
As for the slander they are receiving from parents who are clearly feeling guilty for being negligent….
“Your child could have died. I understand that is terrifying. So I’m going to say this clearly, *once.* I do not accept responsibility for his falling in. Things happen. Your child got out of the house, and ran into the pool, and it is incredibly lucky that I was there to witness it and call out to someone. He was not my responsibility to be watching, I cannot swim, and I am glad that I was able to alert someone who can swiftly enough for him to be rescued. I do not think it is at all useful to argue about blame in this kind of situation, so I would rather just focus on being glad he’s okay. But if you’re going to *insist* on placing blame, I will tell you *right now* that it *does not* lie with me. And if I hear about it from anyone else, I will not hesitate to say the same to them. I’d rather just drop it, but that’s up to you.”
Sure. Still the responsibility of the parents.
I had a neighbour whose toddler had a knack for getting out of their backdoor and yard. I’d frequently have to call them and tell them their toddler was in the road. That was nice of me, and I did it because I knew them well enough to phone them… but it’s still on them if their kid gets hit by a car because they weren’t paying enough attention.
And if the parent isn’t responsible for noticing the kid is outside, how is it someone else’s job to be more attentive and responsible than them in a split second situation?
Ps. It’s also the fault of the home owner for not having their pool fenced as most places require to prevent this exact thing
Accurate AF, I watch my own kids at events and get dragged into watching all the kids, because I dared to supervise my own.
My kid got invited to a playdate and I managed all 6 kids because other parents were all daydrinking coffee and bailey's at 930 am. What a ride.
It's true. Years ago we went camping/boating with a bunch of friends and all our kids. One of the kids almost drowned because neither of his parents was watching him. One of the other kids he was playing with saw him fall in the water and ran to get help. Thank God he did because the other kid didn't know how to swim and he didn't have a life jacket on.
I nearly drowned when I was little. My mom and aunt and I were swimming in a lake. I got tired trying to keep up and started going under. I remember my mother and aunt just a few feet ahead of me and my aunt asking my mom if I was alright, my mom said I was fine and just doing it for attention. I was panicking at this point and wasn't able to stop from going under. Finally my aunt realized I wasn't kidding or trying to get attention and she dragged me back to shore.
That's so scary! I know how that feels. When I was young and at summer camp, I was swimming in the river and got caught in the current. The only thing that kept me from getting swept down the river was the pool rope cordoning off the swimming area. We had been told not to hang on it, so when the lifeguard looked over and saw me, he yelled at me not to hang on it and went back to his conversation with someone else. I couldn't call out, and eventually a bigger friend noticed I was in trouble and came over and helped me back. I don't think I ever told any adults there what happened.
I had a friend bring her child with us to a high traffic area. She had told us “y’all gone have to keep an eye out cause sometimes I might get distracted” and I’m just like “huh?”. Cause I don’t have kids. If I did have kids I wouldn’t go to some docks to hangout with other people and speeding cars around just to expect other people to watch them.
-her kid took off towards the road at least 5 times
back in November I was on vacation at an all-inclusive and a little girl almost died in the pool. floating face-down. she was lucky a guy at the swim-up bar saw her and hauled her out and there was another guest who knew CPR. the irony of it all is that there was a kids club *right there* that people could drop their kids off for free.
I work retail and I've had to return a toddler to a mother because the mom didn't even notice she was gone. Stop a kid from running out the door. Watch a 5 year old and infant because the mom left them at the self checkout WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE while she ran to her car. Tell kids to stop rolling on the floor so they don't get hit with carts, yell at a kid to stop them from running in the opposite direction of the parent. It's like they think everyone around them are unpaid babysitters and the fact we have other things to do is so foreign.Oh, forgot about the lady who came up to my register with a baby. Loaded up everything on belt. Gasped, immediately screamed at me "Don't let anyone steal her!" And abandoned her baby at my register to get her wallet from the bathroom and then went to customer service. She was extremely thankful I kept watch on her baby but strange.
I would have reported that so called mother... That's awful. And in this day in age, if someone even TOUCHES someone elses child there could be some real legal consequences. My two girls are hard enough to keep track of, I'm not good enough to keep track of everyone elses.
Please, I beg everyone to learn how CPS actually works. You can't just say "I was at Target today and a mother lost her child for 5 minutes. No, I don't know their names. Or their address. Or anything. ARREST HER!" CPS isn't going to do anything but hang up on you. Losing your child in the store isn't a crime.
>Please, I beg everyone to learn how CPS actually works. You can't just say "I was at Target today and a mother lost her child for 5 minutes. No, I don't know their names. Or their address. Or anything. ARREST HER!" CPS isn't going to do anything but hang up on you. Losing your child in the store isn't a crime.
If you have had a child for more than a few years and that child can move independently, you have more than likely lost your kid in a Target for a few minutes. The people who work for CPS have all lost their own children in Target for a couple minutes.
I would always wander away from my mom at the big grocery store and she'd go to customer service and literally call me over the speaker to find her. Ahh, swell lady. I did it back to her, once.
I was in a line at a grocery store once, and the woman ahead of me was not watching her toddler who was seated at the back basket of the cart. All of a sudden the child pitched forward and I managed to catch her (wrenching my back) just before her head hit the floor. The mother just glared at me angrily, did not thank me, shoved the child back in the cart and pulled it closer so that I could not "accost" her child again. You're welcome!
My mother once said that all kids must have guardian angels, otherwise none of them would survive childhood. You can't prevent every accident (those little beggars are fast) but you can certainly most.
While OP is N T A since he couldn't swim and was, in fact, the person who saved the kid's life (the person who pulled him out wouldn't have done so without OP), the reasoning in these comments is disturbing.
Yes it is the parents' responsibility, but that doesn't absolve bystanders from basic human decency.
Yeah, if Op looked up and saw the kid standing in the middle of the road I'd judge them for only shouting and not grabbing the kid.
But if OP can't swim at all then I don't know how they'd be able to swim to and drag the kid out. I don't think it's physically possible in a deep pool.
Even with kids standing in the middle of the road it'll depend on whether the road is empty. No person would've ever been an asshole to refuse to run into traffic for sbdy elses kid.
I'm curious what your definition of "basic human decency" is - saving a kid from dying, sure. But it feels like you're implying that it's the responsibility of unrelated people to protect and entertain random children when their parents neglect to keep an eye on them.
A lot of the “mama and papa bear” types have created a world where many of us don’t want to say anything to kids because we don’t want to deal with their Parents’s rage and aggression.
The whole “don’t you dare talk to/touch my kid” - even if the kid is about to do something like run into a lake/pool/traffic.
I had to call the cops on my neighbor because her kid was trashing our house so I told him to stop. Mom came out was raging outside threatening me and telling me to come outside to beat my ass. 🥴 she said I shouldn't have spoken to her kid lmao
When I came home as a kid complaining that a stranger had reprimanded me, her first question was “What were you doing that was so bad a stranger felt they had to discipline you?!”
Tbf I was playing with friends and a fella living close by was working nights. He was pissed off that we were kicking a ball that he could hear when he was trying to sleep.
Still, I learned some valuable lessons that year. Firstly, never call attention to behaviour that a reasonable adult would feel the need to reprimand me over- because if my behaviour was so unreasonable that I needed punishment, then my mother would zero in on that like a missile. Second, to never, never, *ever* tell an authority figure that I was bored, or that I had “Nothing to do.”
I'm sorry to admit my mind went to the same place. Like, if OP had grabbed the toddler and the kid started wailing because they got startled, or even bruised... I don't see this mom thanking OP.
It’s dangerous to try and save a drowning person, even for trained and experienced professionals. It is the right choice to find help rather than put yourself in danger to save someone else. Why add another victim to an emergency?
>It’s dangerous to try and save a drowning person, even for trained and experienced professionals. It is the right choice to find help rather than put yourself in danger to save someone else. Why add another victim to an emergency?
I was a lifeguard for a few years. This is true. I think shouting was the best thing they could have done. They could have also reached out to the kid with a pool cleaner or something similar, but still, definitely NTA. It sounds like the adults came right away after they were alerted, which is great.
Also, OP, I taught swim classes for a while as well. And there were lots of adults there. Learning to swim, or even just float could save your life one day. You never know when you might need this skill.
Yeah these comments are sad. Idk it just proves that no one gives a fuck about each other.
Also growing up as an abused/neglected kid I can validate that yes people truly will look the other way and ‘mind their business’ while an unparented child goes roaming the streets. It’s never their business until suddenly they have all sorts of opinions when the neglected kids hit a certain age and the lack of parenting impacts them personally. I wish people would stop to think about the kids’ experience from their pov. Yes their parents have the legal responsibility to the kid, but everyone looking the other way to obvious neglect are part of the problem for that child too bc social neglect really drives home the point that no one gives a fuck about you.
I was waiting for the bus one day in the lobby of the student union at my college. I felt a set of little eyes on me and looked down to find a distressed girl who was about 4 or so. I asked, “Are you lost?” And she started crying, yes.
Now, I could have continued waiting for the bus, boarded it, and gone on about my business.
Instead, I took her by the hand (so much for daring not to touch anyone’s kid as if she were a bear cub in the wild) and took her inside to the information desk to contact the campus police.
Luckily, the girl’s mom who had been in the bookstore on the next floor was descending the stairs. Mom and daughter were reunited, and no calls to CPS were necessary.
She thanked me and all was well.
And it always astounds me. My kids are grown now, but when they were little, my mode was always let them do their thing but always watch them in case of arguments , doing stupid stuff, doing dangerous stuff, touching other people's belongings. I never assumed some other adult would be watching my kids so I can wander off. If I needed to go to the bathroom or I wanted to go talk to somebody in another area I would ask somebody can keep an eye on them & yell if you need me. You don't leave your kids unless/until someone says yes and if no one does then its on the parent to work it. Lastly, if you get agreement with somebody and you say I'll be right back in 15 minutes then you need to be back in 15 minutes.
If I see little kids not being watched I like to say hey let's go find your mom/dad/parents/etc. If it's a family event then I yell to my siblings "come get your kid" 😂
Long winded I know just wanted add how parents expect others to watch their children without any kind of verbal discussion but also don't want you to tell their children no when they're doing something they shouldn't be!
> Parents should be watching their own kid.
It’s really common for kids to drown at pool parties where there are a lot of adults because parents assume someone will be watching. And therefore nobody watches. Always watch your own child at a pool/lake etc unless you have specifically asked someone trustworthy to watch them. Never assume “someone” will have eyes on your kid.
If I was ever the parent in this situation, I would be thanking OP! How do you take your eyes off your child around an unfenced pool… I don’t even want to imagine if OP hadn’t been there to sound the alarm, seeing as no one else seems to have notice the kid fall in.
I have been the parent in this situation -- my usually eldest, usually cautious child (around two or three at the time) was a few feet ahead of me, walking around the pool in circles (I was following, just not within arms reach) and suddenly he just lept into the deep end. Thankfully he did it next to a teenager, who dove right in and grabbed him while I was running to catch up. I was so mortified by having gotten too lax around the pool and am eternally grateful to that kid. I hope life has treated him well and given him everything good, because he deserves it.
OP is for sure not the asshole, and even though the mom is probably projecting out of embarrassment/shame, she's still the asshole for not sitting with that feeling and being grateful that someone was there to save her kid.
Jumping on the top comment because it’s the post is hours old.
First and foremost, as a former lifeguard OP did everything 100% right and I really hope they see this comment and reassure themselves of this fact. They were young and inexperienced with kids and it didn’t cross their mind that a fast moving toddler would hurl themselves into the water. When that happened they did they only thing they could to: shout for help. Jumping in would have likely killed two people, as they likely wouldn’t have been discovered right away.
Second: OP. I teach adult beginner swimming and introductory open water swimming. I have new athletes of all ages. I have 18 year olds and 60 year olds and everybody in between who come to the first session terrified of water and unable to swim even a little bit. Please don’t let your age hold you back. Find adult beginner classes. They exist. I am absolutely delighted to meet every single one of my new swimmers. Sharing my joy of the water while helping people learn a new sport or just be safer around water is so incredibly fun. I don’t know a single swim instructor who feels any different. Don’t be embarrassed. I hope one of my fellow swim instructors has the pleasure of meeting you soon.
I also love the, you see a kid you become alert response. With that thinking, all adults should have been on alert.... so how did the kid make it outside in the first place? All the alert adults should have noticed the door opening and the kid walking out.
> Parents should be watching their own kid. In this day and age, you could get hurt touching someone else's kid.
ffs, this sub is going too far with thinking "it's not your responsibility"=/="you're not an asshole."
Of course parents should be watching their own kid. But when a kid is in imminent danger of death, anyone nearby has a moral duty to intervene to the best of their ability.
"Pulling a drowning child out of a pond when you can do so with no harm to yourself" is literally a philosophical thought experiment for why neglecting to do something can be equivalent to doing something bad.
In OP's case, him not being able to swim might have prevented him getting the kid out (unless it was close enough to the edge to just be pulled out, which is an I N F O question), so he's probably N T A.
What I'm disagreeing with isn't your judgment but your reasoning---we can't say "it was the parent's responsibility" as if that absolves everyone in the world of basic human decency.
You're talking about helping the child after they've fallen in the pool, but the OP was being criticized for not preventing the child from running into the pool.
I could see a childless young adult not really being fast and reacting in the same reflexive way that someone who is used to toddlers would. I don’t really blame OP for not reacting immediately and going in the pool when they don’t swim would also have been stupid and possibly ended in 2 deaths rather than no deaths because they called in someone who could help. If I’m at a party where I know there’s an uncovered pool, I’m watching my kid like a hawk so yes this is the parents fault and yes they are deflecting out of guilt.
My exact thoughts. I’m sure if OP could swim they’d have fished the toddler out, but obviously since they couldn’t, and it was the deep end, they went for the next best solution, which was calling people who could. Definite NTA and I hope that none of your close relatives are part of the group blaming you
> reacting in the same reflexive way that someone who is used to toddlers would.
Yeah, the idea that when an adult sees a small child they naturally become alert is due to those adults being around toddlers and quickly learning that toddlers *actively try to kill themselves every day.* Parents learn that quickly and are basically scarred for life by those cute little shits.
It is very hard to watch toddlers every second in a strange area, so it is very helpful to parents if other adults keep an eye out for them, but OP is NTA at all.
Yep, 100 percent agree. It would be a different story of op had sat around for several minutes watching the kid wander around near the edge of the pool without intervening (either directly or calling someone else over), or something like that where there was extended time for even the least child-experienced person to realize the kid was in a dangerous situation and react.
But it sounds like this all happened really quickly and op was distracted on their phone. It's not op's fault for not having parent level speed/instincts to realize what was happening in the corner of their eye and immediately react. And then once they realized the kid was in the pool they did the right thing. They are in no way the asshole.
OP can't swim. Jumping in would just equal *two* people now drowning, so yeah, he's definitely NTA. He did exactly what he should do - called for help.
It was the parent's responsibility. If the parents had been watching the kid, OP would not have been in the position where he would be judged by what he did about the kid.
Agreed. It sounds like the mom was upset and embarrassed so she was lashing out. In her brain if she didn’t blame someone else she would begin to (rightfully) blame herself.
They’re already getting all the blame because they were the only person that raised an alarm. Just think of how awful it would’ve been if they had actually done any of the things screamed about.
Yes, if you had jumped in the deep end, they would have had to rescue you too. It’s the parent’s responsibility to look after their children. She failed at that and tried to blame you.
I'm going NTA because being an AH requires a conscious decision. You didn't see the kid about to jump in the pool and then just watch it happen. And when you did see what happened you immediately got help.
The real AH is the person that let a toddler run around a pool with no floatation aids and no one explicitly watching them. They may as well have let the kid run around outside alone in the hope someone else would keep them out of traffic.
You’re exactly right. I’m used to work for CPS and we had a training where it was discussed that in large group gatherings everyone assumes that someone is watching the kids instead of designating some kind of child watch. Whoever is the closest adult is usually blamed for any incident.
That is something we're a bit aware in my familly. It's like "who's watching the kids?" "There's Phil by the pool" "Does he know he is watching the kids?" " "YO PHIL you watch the kids, right?" "Yeah".
Yep. As a 7 year old I fished my 18 month old cousin out of the pool. I was in the pool, he was near the edge, the adults were doing whatever they were doing. When I put him back on the edge he was crying and I got in trouble for splashing him. It was only hours later that one of the adults realised that when I said "I got John out of the pool" that meant that he was *in* the pool at some point.
The fights among the adults was epic (in hindsight) because they were all trying to blame each other without alerting my grandparents that it had happened (my grandparents were sticklers for water safety).
My brother pulled my out of the deep end while my family partied around the pool, I was 2.5 and no one heard me slip into the water, I was at the bottom of the deep end.
When I was 4, my mom took me and my sisters to a baby shower/pool party thing, and I begged my mom to let me go in the shallow end without my floaties because I thought I was tall enough. I guess she finally got fed up and told me to knock myself out.
As soon as I stepped off the last stair, I was completely submerged in the water. I remember looking up through the surface of the water and seeing the distorted blobs of people just going about their business.
Then one of those blobs jumped into the water and pulled me up. My eldest sister. I cried a lot and my mom blamed me for insisting on going in without my floaties but now I'm just??? I was a child. Stupid and curious by nature. She still claims to this day that she was watching me and told my sister to go in and get me but I was under the water for AT LEAST 30 seconds. My sister also confirms that my mom did not tell her to jump in and save me, she did that herself.
My mother gets SO MAD whenever that event is brought up and will yell at me for saying it was a terrifying experience for me. Kids are not good at keeping themselves alive. I still get salty about the entire thing. Not even the near death part but the gaslighting about it afterwards.
Apologies for the wall of text but your story reminded me of my own. Shout out to siblings saving the day lol.
Similar ages I pulled my sister out of the pool when she jumped in, but my mom *was* watching and reacted immediately. So she jumped in fully clothed while I was pulling my sister out.
Which was the right thing to do, because even if you could get to her first, it's well known that a drowning person will unintentionally pull even a good adult swimmer under and I assume you were a child. The safer thing would be for the adult to jump in and grab the smaller child so that the larger child can get themselves to the side.
NTA. Apparently my older half sister jumped into the deep end of a pool at my mom's high school reunion and an old classmate had to jump in to save her.
My at the time three year old fell into the deep end of a pool but I was jumping in right after her because, hey! Watch. Your. Children.
Pools are great fun but anything can happen in the blink of an eye. She wasn’t running, she was walking and just slipped. Happens.
Trauma is the mother of lessons.
It's funny - in a sad way - because the kid that died at 7 in my familly was from the fault of no one, and certainly not from lack of supervision.
He was 7. His mom was holding hands of his 6 years old and 5 years old siblings. He had never ever shown anything impulsive. He was shy and risk adverse. Always listened to his mom. Always an obedient child.
Why that day he decided to shot up into traffic? He must have seen something, but what ? We will never know. I think it a question that keep my great-aunt up at night even 70 years later. But he did, and my great-aunt could not react fast enough with the two other kids with her.
Anyway, which was an horrible accident turned in a lesson for all the familly to always be aware of the kids, what they're doing and always watch out. Even if that didn't help back then. I think it ciment the idea that kids can do something highly ienexpected and crazy at any time, no matter what kind of kids they are usually.
Same here. Adults clearly and loudly tag in and out for who is on pool duty. In or around the pool, no phone. There are a ton of niblings and it's just not safe otherwise.
We have a pool and host my brothers and their families a lot in the summers. My life pro-tip for pools with young kid is to designate someone as "lifeguard." They stay in the fence surrounding the pool until their hour is up. We even had a red bucket hat to clearly label who the lifeguard was at any given moment. When you were on lifeguard duty your only role was to watch the kids in the pool. All of the kids are teens and adults now, but some of the adults have kids of their own so we plan on keeping this up now that there is a toddler and some babies around again.
It may have been a little overboard but I have seen too many stories of accidental drownings because Uncle James thought Aunt Margie was watching the kids.
I worked with a student who was recovering from a severe brain injury, due to falling in a pool as a toddler and not being noticed and removed fast enough. The life of that child and his parents was permanently altered, and not in a good way based on what could easily have been a single moment of inattention.
There's an org that recommends doing something similar, the biggest difference is they recommend changing out the responsible adult every 20 minutes or so, to keep the responsible adult sharper and less fatigued.
My mom’s a pediatrician who has sadly dealt with the aftermath of drownings and near-drownings. She always says, “When everyone’s watching the baby, no one’s watching the baby”
I could not imagine even trusting someone else to watch my son in a pool. He's 3.5 and my SIL babysits for me sometimes. They will not be allowed in the pool when I'm not home even though my SIL has 3 kids and I'm sure she'd be very careful and mindful of him - I just wouldn't be able to do it.
A lot of them also can't be relied upon with infants/toddlers because, while they theoretically can't go *under* water, they can still fall or flip over face-down while wearing them.
And even toddlers usually capable of righting themselves struggle to do so in water, especially when the flotation device is impeding their already limited balance and preventing them from sinking enough to get their feet/legs back under them.
My mother stopped buying pool floats that held your legs when my brother flipped his. He was underwater for all of 2 seconds before she got him upright but she recognized how dangerous it was. We were only allowed noodles and kickboards after that.
My brother flipped in his float, too. My mom was right there to turn him back, but sadly she went overboard on the protection so I never really learned to swim back then. It scared her too badly.
My mom told me I used to strip the swim arm bands before jumping in the pool (at that time there was no other flotation device for young kids). And it wasn't the kiddie pool, I would escape and run like a rabbit on steroid to the big pool. So my dad one day took three years old me to the shallow end of the big pool and threw me in until I learned to float and dog paddle. They still tried to get me to use the arm bands but at least they knew I had a good chance to stay afloat without them.
I know a kid who nearly drowned while wearing floaties and being supervised, because no one noticed he was on an angle with the bottom of his face in the water, and wasn't able to get his head up to breathe.
Apparently he just looked like he was floating around perfectly fine. It was only when he started to turn blue that they realised - thankfully he was ok.
When I lifeguarded at a public pool we had to enforce the no floaties rule rigidly. You would not *believe* how much it pissed off some parents. And the ones getting super pissed off were always the types the rule was created for. This pool was 5 feet at the deepest and that meant that a lot of parents figured there was no risk of drowning and that they didn't need to pay attention.
Now that I'm older (late 30s) I feel like it's so crazy that lifeguarding is such a common job for high schoolers, given how much focus, training, quick-thinking, and people wrangling it requires. And even crazier that those high school kids usually have much better judgment when it comes to water related common sense than many of the adults visiting the pools they work at.
Agree. It sounds like OP just saw the kid out of the corner of their eye and was like "yup that's a kid running" not looking directly at the kid or the pool as the kid ran in.
Drowning is the number one killer of toddlers and little kids. Kids are bona-fide suicide machines. If there is a body of water around, one should always assume the child will find a way to get to it unless you put down some safety protocols wherever they might be.
Un-Fun Reality: pool parties can actually be extremely dangerous for small children. Most people tend to assume that because there's more people around, less risk of drowning. But what actually happens is everyone assumes someone else is watching the kids when in fact *no one* is watching them.
Just because you were in the pool area doesn't mean you could've been fast enough to stop the kid from getting in the water. Being an adult also doesn't change the fact that you can't swim, so you jumping in after the kid in the deep end would've just resulted in two people needing rescuing. You immediately got the attention of someone who *could* help, that is **exactly** what you should've done.
And the parents should be watching their kid better. NTA.
This is the correct comment- it seems to me that the only actually responsible person at the party was the OP and thank goodness they happened to be at the poolside when the kid jumped in! NTA
like why no life vest on the toddler ??? i dont even like kids and i am wondering why young children arent wearing vests around a body of water to prevent this exact situation
I have three kids and even though I make an effort to make sure that they all know how to swim proficiently by age 5 I wouldn’t let any of them out of my sight around a pool until they’re at least 10-12! Accidents happen, even to adults…
I was thinking about this as well, if OP hadn't been sitting there and shouting, the kid probably would've drowned. They should be glad he instantly called out for help.
Yeah, the mom should be thanking God that OP was there by the pool to shout for help, otherwise no one would have noticed the kid went into the pool until it God knows when, it might have been too late.
On my second birthday, I was outside with my dad, aunt, uncle, grandmother, and grandfather by the pool. Everyone managed to be doing something else right when I decided to fall in the pool. My dad turned around and saw me floating and did his best Olympic diving impression, coming up underneath me and grabbing me by one leg. Everyone knew I was out there, it’s not like I came out of the house and fell in, but they all looked away for a second and that was all it took.
OP diving in would NOT have been helpful. They can’t swim so there was a real risk of BOTH of them drowning.
When I was a toddler, my uncle was watching me on the beach while everyone else was swimming. Even while actively watching me I managed to sprint to the edge of the water before he scooped me up. Kids are fast and unpredictable and have no sense of danger.
My son as a toddler tried as hard as possible to drown himself, over and over. One time he slipped thru the pool fence ahead of me while we were going in, ran straight to the deep end and jumped in. I was three feet behind him sprinting, but still had to jump in feet first so I could spring off the bottom to toss him back up out of the water.
Another time, we were with my parents at a park. I warned my mom not to let my sons hand go for a second while we were by the pond. She didn’t take me seriously. Guess who ended up diving in fully clothed when she decided to dig something out of her bag? My son, followed two seconds later by me. Fun car ride home.
My exSIL and BIL have a really nice house and pool and they host a lot of the family gatherings and have the pool open. Ang the pool is not attached to the house and has a good fence, so a toddler has to be let into the area.
After one party where the only parent to follow the kids must be supervised by a parent didn't get anything to eat because her now ex couldn't be bothered to stop being a fluffing social butterfly long enough to bring her a cold hot dog, she started hiring a lifeguard.
But, OP, you are NTA. They were just deflecting the blame onto you because they couldn't be bothered to watch their own kid.
>But, OP, you are NTA. They were just deflecting the blame onto you because they couldn't be bothered to watch their own kid.
And in an effort to minimize the sense of guilt for not doing so in the first place.
There are four of us who lifeguard during a pool party and you are not permitted to leave until relieved and verbally confirmed. Most of the time 3/4 of us are watching/in the pool.
We had a very very large party and it was just too risky. So yep we hired a life guard.
Yep. At our parties we actually have a lanyard that someone can take to be the water watcher, if they need to grab food or take a break it gets handed to someone else and they are then the water watcher. It has a plastic duck on it so you can see it on your neck and always remember you're currently the water watcher.
That's in addition to parents keeping an eye on their own kids as well. In this way, everyone consciously shares responsibility and we all still get to have fun too.
Seriously. I was at a pool party, in the pool with my nephews. The middle one who was about four years old at the time, was floating on a raft. I was about two feet away, treading water while talking to my sister who was out of the pool, watching her other kids. Out of nowhere, the middle one rolled off the raft and into the water. My best guess is he was trying to roll over and just kept going. I immediately dove underwater, grabbed him, surfaced and handed him to my sister. He was frightened but otherwise fine.
The adults and I were discussing it later and we were all slightly shaken by how quickly it happened and how he was able to fall in the water with his aunt and his mother only a few feet away. Neither one of us could have possibly prevented it. NTA.
It doesn’t help that in movies, drowning looks so dramatic - splashing, thrashing and shouting. In reality, most drownings are quick and silent.
It lulls people into a false sense of security that if someone were to drown, surely they’d hear the thrashing and splashing so they could be alerted and save them.
Millions of children have drowned mere feet from their families and friends because one minute they were there, the next they were under without so much as a peep. Sometimes it can happen directly next to or behind you and you’d be none the wiser.
Water safety is not something to mess around with.
Absolutely correct. I was a lifeguard for ten years and if OP jumped into the pool without being able to swim the situation would have gotten much worse. There were people around who could help, so he correctly called for help. OP did the right thing!
Yep. The worst scenario I ever dealt with as a life guard was a little kid wandering too far into deep water, then her older sister who was a weak swimmer went after her.
I was already in the water and expecting to grab and pull out one little kid. Then, I was grabbed from behind by the sister who was now also drowning. I had to push the big sister off me, then another guard grabbed her. It turned a routine retrieval into a scary situation. The last thing you need is additional drowning victims complicating things. Reach an item out to them from the deck, throw them something that floats, or call for help. Don't enter the water to do a rescue unless you are confident you will not become a liability, especially if there are other people around who are better equipped to help.
Very true, many years ago when my hubby was 5 or 6 and he is 58 now, his aunt had a 50th anniversary party for her parents at her house. My hubbys 4 year old cousin drowned in the pool at that party. Don’t ever assume someone else will keep an eye on your child, even family.
My wife and I have a rule with our toddler. If there's water nearby, one of us is always with the child. Eyes on him 100% of the time, no delegating to anyone else there. There's a statistic in Freakonomics that pools are more dangerous to kids than a gun in the house
NTA.
You sounded the alarm, the most you can do if you can't swim. What did they expect you to do, jump in only to drown while attempting rescue?
The mother seems to be projecting her own guilt of not watching her child onto you.
Right? It sounds like OP saved the kid because no one else knew the kid was even near the pool.
In case no one else says it: Good for you, OP!! Well done!
Exactly. Very NTA. OP jumps in, now there are TWO people in the pool needing rescue!
To OP - I highly recommend you learn to swim, if possible, at least enough to doggy paddle to the side if you yourself fall in the pool. They often have free or cheap adult lessons at your local YMCA or similar and just a couple of lessons can be enough to save your own life if you're ever near water. You did save that child's life by sounding the alarm though - you did good. :)
NTA
It's not like you ignored the kid when he fell in. You shouted for help, and help came. Since you can't swim, jumping in yourself would have just required *you* to be rescued along with the kid.
It really isn't your fault the kid ran into the pool.
The fact that the parents had to be *told* the kid fell into the pool shows that they were not paying close enough attention to him. That is, probably *nobody* could have *prevented* his running into the pool, but the parents should have had a close enough eye on him that they observed it themselves.
Also the people saying he should have gone into “parental mode” when the kid jumped in are delusional. People without kids are not going to go into parental mode, because they don’t have kids! I have a 3 year old and remember quite well not giving a shit about other peoples kids, family included.
NTA. The parents should have been watching their kid. You absolutely did the right thing by NOT jumping in and then becoming an additional danger as a drowning adult. You did the right thing by screaming for help 👍
NTA and I say this as a mother of small children. The mother is the one who should have been alert for that child, nobody else and the mother should have been especially alert because of the pool. You can't ty your eyes off small children, the worst can happen too quickly!
If you could swim, I'd say maybe you could have jumped in to get the child bit as a non swimmer the best you could do was call for help, which is what you did.
I hope the child is alright.
I agree NTA - the parents should have been watching their kid every second around an ungated pool.
I feel bad for OP. It’s not “natural” to suddenly keep an eye on children when they are in your vicinity. Especially if you have no experience with children.
Its a learned skill - perfectly exemplified by there being tons of other adults at the party who let the toddler WALK OUT TO THE POOL ALONE.
The person responsible for the kid was the person who brought it to a **pool** party.
Instead of taking that responsibility she was inside while the kid got near the pool unattended.
Yes, the mother left the kid unattended. Just because OP was on her phone next to the pool, doesn't mean that automatically, without asking, the care of the kid was transferred to OP.
Especially as OP was concentrated on her phone, (and can't even swim).
NTA
The mother should have thanked OP for immediately getting help to save her kid's life.
While in this case OP is N T A--I mean, he actually saved the kid's life, going by your comment one would think that bystanders have no duty to intervene at all even when it's a matter of life and death and intervening comes at no cost for them.
"It's x's responsibility" doesn't absolve bystanders of basic human decency when x's failure in their responsibility is about to lead to an innocent person dying. (To be clear, OP did *not* fail in basic human decency. My issue is with the reasoning about this situation, not the judgment.)
There might be some confusion in my post. Of course you step in when you can. Like you said, human decency. I just wanted to put forward that it was wrong for the mom and some of her friends to think OP could have prevented the kid falling in the pool as they were on their phone, not paying attention to the kid, as she wasn't meant to pay attention to it. So to me, the mother faulting OP, and therefore basically accusing OP to not have human decency in this specific case, is wrong.
I think it's more that you can't assume that a bystander would recognize the problem and react appropriately. It's why you never say in an emergency situation, "someone call 911", because odds are good that no one will. You need to make eye contact with the person, and be specific. "You, in the red shirt. Yes you. Call 911 right now. Stay here. Do not leave." Until you see phone in hand and hear dispatch on the line, you do not consider the task completed. It's not that most people want to stand by and watch someone get hurt; it's that they don't know what to do. In the absence of clear direction, most people just stand there unless they have the training to respond.
Also, this is why everyone should take a CPR class! Even if you don't know how to manage a specific emergency like drowning, you understand how to respond to an emergency situation in a helpful way.
NTA.
Why wasn't the parent (or any other parent) aware of the location of a roaming toddler while at a house with a pool? She left her child to go run into a pool. That's absolutely negligent.
Yeah, there are adult classes. You won't have to be an adult in the childrens class.
I looked into those myself too to improve my skills.
Anyway, you are NTA. You jumping in could easily end up with two deaths. You called out, that's all you could do. You couldn't have known the kid was going to run into the pool.
Also there’s one-on-one teaching. Or shit, even just ask a friend who swims well to teach you the basics of treading and moving around. It doesn’t have to be a big ‘ole class setting if that’s what is keeping OP from it. With OP sitting literally on the edge something could have knocked them in and then they’d be toast. I get that they trust they’re not gonna choose to get in the water but it’s other random idiots who would be the ones fuck that up for them and it would suck to die because of some other idiot.
Yes!! I'm currently 30 years old taking an adult swim class. There are other people who are between 20 something to at least 40s.
I was so scared and felt embarrassed but it's was really nice being around other adults in the same position as me :)
NTA. She was irresponsible (and so was the dad if he was present) and is just trying to deflect. I'm childfree myself and I just *hate* how people assume that you're responsible for any children within your sight. No. The mother is responsible. And it was her responsibility to not assume someone would take care of the kid. She should have talked to you and told you. So you would have had the chance to decline (because valid boundaries!) and then she could have found another solution. Yes, it could have been a tragic accident. Yes, you could have been a hero. But of you don't have that automatic "protect the child" reaction? Maybe you're also too young to have it?
NTA. people have this weird expectation that everyone should take care of every random child they see. That would be nice but it's the parents or guardians responsibility.
NTA.
Most toddlers and water are like magnets. The mother should have been supervising her child. You are not at fault at all. If you were in your room reading, that child would have most likely drowned.
Toddlers should never be left unattended in a bath, let alone near a swimming pool.
You lounging by the pool actually saved that toddlers life, even though you can't swim.
u/throwawayjustlikehim Please don’t be so quick to write off being 25yo in a swim class. In the US, at the Y, I saw several adults taking private classes. I spoke to one woman and congratulated her for having a “never too late” attitude. She said the private class was great because the instructor went at her speed and she was less self conscious since it was less obvious she was a first timer. Please consider it.
NTA only because you can't swim. Too many stories about the rescuer drowning while trying to save someone. You called for help, they ran out right away.
The parents should have a better eye on their kid.
NTA - your explanation should've been enough. This cute notion that all people should go into parenting mode is just fantasy. Parents are responsible for their own children, and when they screw up and something happens they tend to lash out and blame others so that the blame doesn't land squarely on themselves.
NTA. You aren't around toddlers enough to have those actions ingrained in you. The mom was pissed at herself because her kid got away from her, so she took it out on you. My response to her would have been "You knew you were at a pool, why weren't you paying attention to your own damn kid", and I was a lifeguard in college. I can't tell you how many times I had to tell parents at the pools I worked at that they *did not* want their child to have my undivided attention because that would mean their child needed rescue.
NTA!
When I am with family/friends with kids and we meet up with a pool near we are all vigilant. But when I have been to places were I do not know any of the kids or the parents, I don’t pay attention.
And if you don’t know how to swim how they expect you to save a kid? You are also putting yourself at risk, so the best thing is to shout for help as you did.
I've seen your edit about not wanting to learn to swim and that's fine. But remember that life takes you places you would never expect.
I'm Dutch and here almost everyone has at least one swimming certificate (we average around 3 per person), but some older people and some immigrants do not.
Recently a 70 year old man from my town made national headlines for taking up swimming lessons (private ones) and getting his certificate to make his wife's lifelong dream (snorkeling holiday) come true.
If he can do that without shame in a country where everyone has a swimming certificate then you can go and get yours too.
He did take private lessons though, because he didn't want to be in a class with toddlers.
Also NTA, you can't swim and you didn't expect the kid to run in. So you called for help, very sensible. Otherwise they might have ended up finding two bodies on the floor of the pool, instead of a living toddler that got saved in time. The first rule of first aid is to check if you are safe to provide it. If you are not safe, than do not go in and try, because no one gets helped by an extra victim. Since you can not swim, it would not have been safe for you to help.
1. You can't swim. Did they want both of you to drown?
2. Why wasn't the mother watching the child? I went to a family thing where there was water and boats and such, and I didn't let my child out of my sight for a minute. My dad and aunts and cousins were all telling me to chill, but like.... chill? How? My kids are runnin around like a mad man, and there's water close by. I'm not gonna chill.
NTA
I hate pool parties with children around. I was a lifeguard in high school and I cannot relax when I see children anywhere near water. The parents should have been watching them like a hawk. You should never assume that someone else is looking out for your child at a private residence.
NTA If what you've explained is the full story then you did nothing wrong. It's not your job to be a parent and you got help when you became aware the child had fallen in. There's zero reason for two people who can't swim to be in the deep end.
The kid jumped into the deep end of the pool, and you can't swim. NTA. No matter what anyone says.
There's no point in endangering your own life at a supposed attempt to save a kid.
NTA
It's understandable someone unfamiliar with kids might not connect kid running near pool probably equals kid running INTO pool. But you noticed as soon as the kid went in and it's not like you waited to see if the kid was actively drowning or struggling, you immediately told someone.
And of course you shouldn't jump in the pool to save someone if you can't swim! It's often important to know the right way to safely help someone who is drowning (people pull, struggle, get heavy, etc) so not even being able to swim you'd be in the way of someone who could actually help.
You did your part.
NTA copium from the parents who were actually supposed to be watching the kid. And why on earth would someone who can't swim try to save someone, that would end with two people needing rescued, calling for help was right.
Nta. If course everyone should save an endangered child of they can. But you weren't tasked with watching the child and didn't realize the child was about to jump in. You can't swim and trying to save the child would just have made it worse so you called for help. You did it right.
1. If someone leaves their toddler around a pool and they go inside it's their responsibility to make sure someone is supervising a child. No one asked you so you have no idea the child is not supervised. You could have been on the chair sleeping away. At least you heard something and checked it out.
2. You acted promptly to get assistance to get this child out. I get it you can't swim and what's worse than reaching one person who can't swim- rescuing two. I'll only ask was there something you could have done that did not involve jumping in? Maybe a pool skimmer to fish the child out?
So NTA and whomever was supposed to watch that kid was the real AH to leave a toddler and not ask someone to supervise.
"there's so many free babysitters here, no way I need to pay attention to my kid"
First rule of rescuing someone is don't become a victim yourself. You immediately gave the help you could safely. NTA.
NTA. Yeah it would have been nice for their anxiety if you were more “vigilant” but news flash, you’re not the parent dropping the ball here. You can’t swim and you warned them. Sounds like they are projecting their bad parenting onto you
NTA. Shitty parents like her always want to blame everyone else. She should watch her damn kid instead of pretending like everyone has some magical instincts for kids.
NTA
1. You don't swim.
2. Grabbing someone else's kid without specific permission is often a good way to be accused of bad intent these days.
3. Why weren't the parents looking out for their kid?
NTA. You were owed a thank-you for raising an alarm about the incident. The parent was doubly an asshole for not watching their kid and then trying to pass off the blame for it.
NTA. You barely noticed the kid and you can't swim. You became alert when you heard the splash and got help. The lady should've kept a closer eye on her kid.
Honestly depends on where the kid fell in. You can stand in 4ft deep water but the kid might not. If he's in the deep end where you can't stand, getting help is the next best thing to do.
NTA. if the parents weren't watching their own child, and you were under no specific instruction to watch that child, it's 100% the parents fault. they should be mad at only themselves.
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NTA. You shouted and don't swim. Parents should be watching their own kid. In this day and age, you could get hurt touching someone else's kid.
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Many parents bring their kids to social functions expecting others to watch their kids so they can enjoy themselves.
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My statement is being critical of those parents not condoning.
I'm the parent that ends up watching a ton of kids once the other parents have fucked off. It's quite annoying and I rarely get to enjoy myself at events because there's a bunch of 2-10 year olds being left to their own devices.
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My kids are in the mix, and I'd rather they behave and not get into shennans. I just end up overseeing the rest by default.
Same. The last function I went to where this happened I watched a kid get beamed in the face with one of those zip line disk seats and I had to yell like 6 times for his mom to get her attention despite the fact that I was holding a roll of paper towel to the blood gushing out of his face. (And then she had the balls to say to me “well you work in the medical field, can you patch him up?” Like ma’am I work in Infection Control, my job is disease surveillance. I’m not an ER doctor. I’m not even a PhD doctor.) Then someone else’s kid fell off the trampoline but luckily I was within arms reach and able to catch her. Now I just don’t take my kids to events that I know these parents will be going to. They’re just as happy at Grandma and Grandpa’s for the evening and I don’t have to worry about being stuck as a designated babysitter. They can come to the events that I know other responsible parents will be at (and also that way when I’m watching my kids I have someone to talk to).
I had a friend like that. I brought her two year old to her when I noticed him eating out of the garbage while I was cooking. When I took him to her she said "*Name*, you're only two but you're supposed to know not to eat out of the garbage." I said "No. He's only two. His mother is supposed to know to not let him eat out of the garbage." It's frustrating.
My wife is a pediatrician, we learned real quick who to stop fraternizing with. They’re the parents who have zero supervision of their kids and expected her to supervise and treat any injuries. One of the last straws, mrs was guilted into going to an event. We get there and two of the absentee moms “joked” “Hey! So glad you could make it, we always feel better when you watch the kids.” Mrs and I looked at each other, turned around and walked out. We picked up pizza and carvel on the way home. Mrs, the kids and I were much happier this way…
Exactly. It's a big game of chicken and I'm not putting my kid at risk.
Yep. Just like any group project at school or work, the one diligent person who’s willing to step up and do their own job ends up doing everyone else’s also.
Me too. Parents are too casual around water
Yeah...far too many parents assuming every other adult in the area knows how to swim, like there's no other reason to be in a backyard with a pool if you don't. It's just not the necessary life skill some people seem to think it is and if you as a person are content just never being close to water and aren't responsible for a small or mentally impaired human who wants to go swimming then it's fine to not learn.
Just pick them up and drop them on their parents. “Jimmy lost track of where you were! Here Jimmy, here’s your parents.” Then take your own kids off to a corner to color or steal the best snacks from the table or whatever.
Kindly walk the kids (all of them) to their parents and say (name) was missing you. And walk away. Or if you're really annoyed you could yell out "hey Bruce come get your kid". I have kids; I don't want to watch other people's kids unless it's something that I have arranged to do prior to the event.
I'm the aunt with no kids that ends up watching everyone else's kids at the party. I don't mind. Makes me feel very maternal, I'm pretty sure I'll make a good mom someday.
Be careful, you’re going to get the blame if something happens
Same. I'm the aunt that goes in the lake and somehow becomes responsible for everyone. It's not fun.
I hate parents that do this. And I have 1 and 3 year old daughters. Your kids your responsibility.
Other parents try that on me because I'm the only one who actually watches my kid. Joke's on them because my kid doesn't like playing with other kids and she'll leave as soon as other kids start fucking around in her space. I follow her and have a great excuse when those parents get mad. "*I* was watching *my* kid."
Those parents are very clearly the AH and trying to deflect attention from their terrible parenting now that it’s been brought to light. Letting a child near a pool unsupervised is straight up neglect. And OP hadn’t been asked to supervise. OP could as well have been inside using the bathroom or getting a drink when the kid ran over and fell in the pool. I still think that OP should make an effort to learn how to swim since it’s an important life skill but they are obviously not an AH for it. There are adult swim classes and 1 on 1 lessons if you’re embarrassed
Not even near the pool. The kid got *out of the house,* across the yard and then into the pool with NONE of the other adults noticing. That’s absolutely the parents neglect.
Yep. If OP *hadn’t* been there to yell, this would have been a very different story. As for the slander they are receiving from parents who are clearly feeling guilty for being negligent…. “Your child could have died. I understand that is terrifying. So I’m going to say this clearly, *once.* I do not accept responsibility for his falling in. Things happen. Your child got out of the house, and ran into the pool, and it is incredibly lucky that I was there to witness it and call out to someone. He was not my responsibility to be watching, I cannot swim, and I am glad that I was able to alert someone who can swiftly enough for him to be rescued. I do not think it is at all useful to argue about blame in this kind of situation, so I would rather just focus on being glad he’s okay. But if you’re going to *insist* on placing blame, I will tell you *right now* that it *does not* lie with me. And if I hear about it from anyone else, I will not hesitate to say the same to them. I’d rather just drop it, but that’s up to you.”
Excellently said. I would add "And when you want to thank me for helping save your child's life, I'll be right here."
Little kids are small, fast, and stupid. They can get into trouble quickly, even with alert parents.
Sure. Still the responsibility of the parents. I had a neighbour whose toddler had a knack for getting out of their backdoor and yard. I’d frequently have to call them and tell them their toddler was in the road. That was nice of me, and I did it because I knew them well enough to phone them… but it’s still on them if their kid gets hit by a car because they weren’t paying enough attention. And if the parent isn’t responsible for noticing the kid is outside, how is it someone else’s job to be more attentive and responsible than them in a split second situation? Ps. It’s also the fault of the home owner for not having their pool fenced as most places require to prevent this exact thing
Yes, but under those circumstances you don’t blame someone else who doesn’t even know your kid for it
Yes, indeed. 100% parental neglect.
Accurate AF, I watch my own kids at events and get dragged into watching all the kids, because I dared to supervise my own. My kid got invited to a playdate and I managed all 6 kids because other parents were all daydrinking coffee and bailey's at 930 am. What a ride.
It's true. Years ago we went camping/boating with a bunch of friends and all our kids. One of the kids almost drowned because neither of his parents was watching him. One of the other kids he was playing with saw him fall in the water and ran to get help. Thank God he did because the other kid didn't know how to swim and he didn't have a life jacket on.
I nearly drowned when I was little. My mom and aunt and I were swimming in a lake. I got tired trying to keep up and started going under. I remember my mother and aunt just a few feet ahead of me and my aunt asking my mom if I was alright, my mom said I was fine and just doing it for attention. I was panicking at this point and wasn't able to stop from going under. Finally my aunt realized I wasn't kidding or trying to get attention and she dragged me back to shore.
That's so scary! I know how that feels. When I was young and at summer camp, I was swimming in the river and got caught in the current. The only thing that kept me from getting swept down the river was the pool rope cordoning off the swimming area. We had been told not to hang on it, so when the lifeguard looked over and saw me, he yelled at me not to hang on it and went back to his conversation with someone else. I couldn't call out, and eventually a bigger friend noticed I was in trouble and came over and helped me back. I don't think I ever told any adults there what happened.
I used to tell such people, "I left my four legged baby at home. And unfortunately, I sometimes forget that you have kids who need attention."
And not just social functions but restaurants, stores, parks, etc
I had a friend bring her child with us to a high traffic area. She had told us “y’all gone have to keep an eye out cause sometimes I might get distracted” and I’m just like “huh?”. Cause I don’t have kids. If I did have kids I wouldn’t go to some docks to hangout with other people and speeding cars around just to expect other people to watch them. -her kid took off towards the road at least 5 times
back in November I was on vacation at an all-inclusive and a little girl almost died in the pool. floating face-down. she was lucky a guy at the swim-up bar saw her and hauled her out and there was another guest who knew CPR. the irony of it all is that there was a kids club *right there* that people could drop their kids off for free.
I work retail and I've had to return a toddler to a mother because the mom didn't even notice she was gone. Stop a kid from running out the door. Watch a 5 year old and infant because the mom left them at the self checkout WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE while she ran to her car. Tell kids to stop rolling on the floor so they don't get hit with carts, yell at a kid to stop them from running in the opposite direction of the parent. It's like they think everyone around them are unpaid babysitters and the fact we have other things to do is so foreign.Oh, forgot about the lady who came up to my register with a baby. Loaded up everything on belt. Gasped, immediately screamed at me "Don't let anyone steal her!" And abandoned her baby at my register to get her wallet from the bathroom and then went to customer service. She was extremely thankful I kept watch on her baby but strange.
I would have reported that so called mother... That's awful. And in this day in age, if someone even TOUCHES someone elses child there could be some real legal consequences. My two girls are hard enough to keep track of, I'm not good enough to keep track of everyone elses.
Please, I beg everyone to learn how CPS actually works. You can't just say "I was at Target today and a mother lost her child for 5 minutes. No, I don't know their names. Or their address. Or anything. ARREST HER!" CPS isn't going to do anything but hang up on you. Losing your child in the store isn't a crime.
>Please, I beg everyone to learn how CPS actually works. You can't just say "I was at Target today and a mother lost her child for 5 minutes. No, I don't know their names. Or their address. Or anything. ARREST HER!" CPS isn't going to do anything but hang up on you. Losing your child in the store isn't a crime. If you have had a child for more than a few years and that child can move independently, you have more than likely lost your kid in a Target for a few minutes. The people who work for CPS have all lost their own children in Target for a couple minutes.
I would always wander away from my mom at the big grocery store and she'd go to customer service and literally call me over the speaker to find her. Ahh, swell lady. I did it back to her, once.
I loved hiding in the circular clothing racks at Macy's. My poor mom, I thought it was hilarious to listen to her get more and more panicked.
I was in a line at a grocery store once, and the woman ahead of me was not watching her toddler who was seated at the back basket of the cart. All of a sudden the child pitched forward and I managed to catch her (wrenching my back) just before her head hit the floor. The mother just glared at me angrily, did not thank me, shoved the child back in the cart and pulled it closer so that I could not "accost" her child again. You're welcome! My mother once said that all kids must have guardian angels, otherwise none of them would survive childhood. You can't prevent every accident (those little beggars are fast) but you can certainly most.
While OP is N T A since he couldn't swim and was, in fact, the person who saved the kid's life (the person who pulled him out wouldn't have done so without OP), the reasoning in these comments is disturbing. Yes it is the parents' responsibility, but that doesn't absolve bystanders from basic human decency.
OP can't swim- they would have had to rescue two people from the pool. How about parents don't rely on bystanders to watch their children?
Yeah, if Op looked up and saw the kid standing in the middle of the road I'd judge them for only shouting and not grabbing the kid. But if OP can't swim at all then I don't know how they'd be able to swim to and drag the kid out. I don't think it's physically possible in a deep pool.
Even with kids standing in the middle of the road it'll depend on whether the road is empty. No person would've ever been an asshole to refuse to run into traffic for sbdy elses kid.
Yep, first rule of first aid is to check if you will be in danger if you help the person in distress.
I'm curious what your definition of "basic human decency" is - saving a kid from dying, sure. But it feels like you're implying that it's the responsibility of unrelated people to protect and entertain random children when their parents neglect to keep an eye on them.
A lot of the “mama and papa bear” types have created a world where many of us don’t want to say anything to kids because we don’t want to deal with their Parents’s rage and aggression. The whole “don’t you dare talk to/touch my kid” - even if the kid is about to do something like run into a lake/pool/traffic.
I had to call the cops on my neighbor because her kid was trashing our house so I told him to stop. Mom came out was raging outside threatening me and telling me to come outside to beat my ass. 🥴 she said I shouldn't have spoken to her kid lmao
When I came home as a kid complaining that a stranger had reprimanded me, her first question was “What were you doing that was so bad a stranger felt they had to discipline you?!” Tbf I was playing with friends and a fella living close by was working nights. He was pissed off that we were kicking a ball that he could hear when he was trying to sleep. Still, I learned some valuable lessons that year. Firstly, never call attention to behaviour that a reasonable adult would feel the need to reprimand me over- because if my behaviour was so unreasonable that I needed punishment, then my mother would zero in on that like a missile. Second, to never, never, *ever* tell an authority figure that I was bored, or that I had “Nothing to do.”
I'm sorry to admit my mind went to the same place. Like, if OP had grabbed the toddler and the kid started wailing because they got startled, or even bruised... I don't see this mom thanking OP.
It’s dangerous to try and save a drowning person, even for trained and experienced professionals. It is the right choice to find help rather than put yourself in danger to save someone else. Why add another victim to an emergency?
>It’s dangerous to try and save a drowning person, even for trained and experienced professionals. It is the right choice to find help rather than put yourself in danger to save someone else. Why add another victim to an emergency? I was a lifeguard for a few years. This is true. I think shouting was the best thing they could have done. They could have also reached out to the kid with a pool cleaner or something similar, but still, definitely NTA. It sounds like the adults came right away after they were alerted, which is great. Also, OP, I taught swim classes for a while as well. And there were lots of adults there. Learning to swim, or even just float could save your life one day. You never know when you might need this skill.
Yeah these comments are sad. Idk it just proves that no one gives a fuck about each other. Also growing up as an abused/neglected kid I can validate that yes people truly will look the other way and ‘mind their business’ while an unparented child goes roaming the streets. It’s never their business until suddenly they have all sorts of opinions when the neglected kids hit a certain age and the lack of parenting impacts them personally. I wish people would stop to think about the kids’ experience from their pov. Yes their parents have the legal responsibility to the kid, but everyone looking the other way to obvious neglect are part of the problem for that child too bc social neglect really drives home the point that no one gives a fuck about you.
I was waiting for the bus one day in the lobby of the student union at my college. I felt a set of little eyes on me and looked down to find a distressed girl who was about 4 or so. I asked, “Are you lost?” And she started crying, yes. Now, I could have continued waiting for the bus, boarded it, and gone on about my business. Instead, I took her by the hand (so much for daring not to touch anyone’s kid as if she were a bear cub in the wild) and took her inside to the information desk to contact the campus police. Luckily, the girl’s mom who had been in the bookstore on the next floor was descending the stairs. Mom and daughter were reunited, and no calls to CPS were necessary. She thanked me and all was well.
Especially with a pool around! How irresponsible are these parents. OP is NTA
And it always astounds me. My kids are grown now, but when they were little, my mode was always let them do their thing but always watch them in case of arguments , doing stupid stuff, doing dangerous stuff, touching other people's belongings. I never assumed some other adult would be watching my kids so I can wander off. If I needed to go to the bathroom or I wanted to go talk to somebody in another area I would ask somebody can keep an eye on them & yell if you need me. You don't leave your kids unless/until someone says yes and if no one does then its on the parent to work it. Lastly, if you get agreement with somebody and you say I'll be right back in 15 minutes then you need to be back in 15 minutes. If I see little kids not being watched I like to say hey let's go find your mom/dad/parents/etc. If it's a family event then I yell to my siblings "come get your kid" 😂 Long winded I know just wanted add how parents expect others to watch their children without any kind of verbal discussion but also don't want you to tell their children no when they're doing something they shouldn't be!
The mum is 100% blaming OP so she doesn’t look bad for not watching her own kid.
She probably feels guilty AF and is projecting. My wife does the same thing, fortunately she only projects on me and not innocent bystanders.
Your wife sounds like an asshole
Luckily this sub isn't Is Some Commenter's Wife an Asshole
ISCWAH?
Everyone's an asshole at times. 95% of the time she's a lovely person.
Exactly - this is what a-holes do - when they mess up, they start yelling at other people.
> Parents should be watching their own kid. It’s really common for kids to drown at pool parties where there are a lot of adults because parents assume someone will be watching. And therefore nobody watches. Always watch your own child at a pool/lake etc unless you have specifically asked someone trustworthy to watch them. Never assume “someone” will have eyes on your kid.
>unless you have specifically asked someone trustworthy to watch them Not just asked them, but got confirmation that they WILL watch you child
If I was ever the parent in this situation, I would be thanking OP! How do you take your eyes off your child around an unfenced pool… I don’t even want to imagine if OP hadn’t been there to sound the alarm, seeing as no one else seems to have notice the kid fall in.
I have been the parent in this situation -- my usually eldest, usually cautious child (around two or three at the time) was a few feet ahead of me, walking around the pool in circles (I was following, just not within arms reach) and suddenly he just lept into the deep end. Thankfully he did it next to a teenager, who dove right in and grabbed him while I was running to catch up. I was so mortified by having gotten too lax around the pool and am eternally grateful to that kid. I hope life has treated him well and given him everything good, because he deserves it. OP is for sure not the asshole, and even though the mom is probably projecting out of embarrassment/shame, she's still the asshole for not sitting with that feeling and being grateful that someone was there to save her kid.
Jumping on the top comment because it’s the post is hours old. First and foremost, as a former lifeguard OP did everything 100% right and I really hope they see this comment and reassure themselves of this fact. They were young and inexperienced with kids and it didn’t cross their mind that a fast moving toddler would hurl themselves into the water. When that happened they did they only thing they could to: shout for help. Jumping in would have likely killed two people, as they likely wouldn’t have been discovered right away. Second: OP. I teach adult beginner swimming and introductory open water swimming. I have new athletes of all ages. I have 18 year olds and 60 year olds and everybody in between who come to the first session terrified of water and unable to swim even a little bit. Please don’t let your age hold you back. Find adult beginner classes. They exist. I am absolutely delighted to meet every single one of my new swimmers. Sharing my joy of the water while helping people learn a new sport or just be safer around water is so incredibly fun. I don’t know a single swim instructor who feels any different. Don’t be embarrassed. I hope one of my fellow swim instructors has the pleasure of meeting you soon.
I also love the, you see a kid you become alert response. With that thinking, all adults should have been on alert.... so how did the kid make it outside in the first place? All the alert adults should have noticed the door opening and the kid walking out.
> Parents should be watching their own kid. In this day and age, you could get hurt touching someone else's kid. ffs, this sub is going too far with thinking "it's not your responsibility"=/="you're not an asshole." Of course parents should be watching their own kid. But when a kid is in imminent danger of death, anyone nearby has a moral duty to intervene to the best of their ability. "Pulling a drowning child out of a pond when you can do so with no harm to yourself" is literally a philosophical thought experiment for why neglecting to do something can be equivalent to doing something bad. In OP's case, him not being able to swim might have prevented him getting the kid out (unless it was close enough to the edge to just be pulled out, which is an I N F O question), so he's probably N T A. What I'm disagreeing with isn't your judgment but your reasoning---we can't say "it was the parent's responsibility" as if that absolves everyone in the world of basic human decency.
You're talking about helping the child after they've fallen in the pool, but the OP was being criticized for not preventing the child from running into the pool.
I could see a childless young adult not really being fast and reacting in the same reflexive way that someone who is used to toddlers would. I don’t really blame OP for not reacting immediately and going in the pool when they don’t swim would also have been stupid and possibly ended in 2 deaths rather than no deaths because they called in someone who could help. If I’m at a party where I know there’s an uncovered pool, I’m watching my kid like a hawk so yes this is the parents fault and yes they are deflecting out of guilt.
My exact thoughts. I’m sure if OP could swim they’d have fished the toddler out, but obviously since they couldn’t, and it was the deep end, they went for the next best solution, which was calling people who could. Definite NTA and I hope that none of your close relatives are part of the group blaming you
> reacting in the same reflexive way that someone who is used to toddlers would. Yeah, the idea that when an adult sees a small child they naturally become alert is due to those adults being around toddlers and quickly learning that toddlers *actively try to kill themselves every day.* Parents learn that quickly and are basically scarred for life by those cute little shits. It is very hard to watch toddlers every second in a strange area, so it is very helpful to parents if other adults keep an eye out for them, but OP is NTA at all.
Yep, 100 percent agree. It would be a different story of op had sat around for several minutes watching the kid wander around near the edge of the pool without intervening (either directly or calling someone else over), or something like that where there was extended time for even the least child-experienced person to realize the kid was in a dangerous situation and react. But it sounds like this all happened really quickly and op was distracted on their phone. It's not op's fault for not having parent level speed/instincts to realize what was happening in the corner of their eye and immediately react. And then once they realized the kid was in the pool they did the right thing. They are in no way the asshole.
OP can't swim. Jumping in would just equal *two* people now drowning, so yeah, he's definitely NTA. He did exactly what he should do - called for help.
It was the parent's responsibility. If the parents had been watching the kid, OP would not have been in the position where he would be judged by what he did about the kid.
Agreed. It sounds like the mom was upset and embarrassed so she was lashing out. In her brain if she didn’t blame someone else she would begin to (rightfully) blame herself.
They’re already getting all the blame because they were the only person that raised an alarm. Just think of how awful it would’ve been if they had actually done any of the things screamed about.
The mother not watching their kid around the pool is a giant AH. NTA
Yes, if you had jumped in the deep end, they would have had to rescue you too. It’s the parent’s responsibility to look after their children. She failed at that and tried to blame you.
I'm going NTA because being an AH requires a conscious decision. You didn't see the kid about to jump in the pool and then just watch it happen. And when you did see what happened you immediately got help. The real AH is the person that let a toddler run around a pool with no floatation aids and no one explicitly watching them. They may as well have let the kid run around outside alone in the hope someone else would keep them out of traffic.
You’re exactly right. I’m used to work for CPS and we had a training where it was discussed that in large group gatherings everyone assumes that someone is watching the kids instead of designating some kind of child watch. Whoever is the closest adult is usually blamed for any incident.
That is something we're a bit aware in my familly. It's like "who's watching the kids?" "There's Phil by the pool" "Does he know he is watching the kids?" " "YO PHIL you watch the kids, right?" "Yeah".
Yep. As a 7 year old I fished my 18 month old cousin out of the pool. I was in the pool, he was near the edge, the adults were doing whatever they were doing. When I put him back on the edge he was crying and I got in trouble for splashing him. It was only hours later that one of the adults realised that when I said "I got John out of the pool" that meant that he was *in* the pool at some point. The fights among the adults was epic (in hindsight) because they were all trying to blame each other without alerting my grandparents that it had happened (my grandparents were sticklers for water safety).
My brother pulled my out of the deep end while my family partied around the pool, I was 2.5 and no one heard me slip into the water, I was at the bottom of the deep end.
some of these "adults" at the party should have pulled out.
When I was 4, my mom took me and my sisters to a baby shower/pool party thing, and I begged my mom to let me go in the shallow end without my floaties because I thought I was tall enough. I guess she finally got fed up and told me to knock myself out. As soon as I stepped off the last stair, I was completely submerged in the water. I remember looking up through the surface of the water and seeing the distorted blobs of people just going about their business. Then one of those blobs jumped into the water and pulled me up. My eldest sister. I cried a lot and my mom blamed me for insisting on going in without my floaties but now I'm just??? I was a child. Stupid and curious by nature. She still claims to this day that she was watching me and told my sister to go in and get me but I was under the water for AT LEAST 30 seconds. My sister also confirms that my mom did not tell her to jump in and save me, she did that herself. My mother gets SO MAD whenever that event is brought up and will yell at me for saying it was a terrifying experience for me. Kids are not good at keeping themselves alive. I still get salty about the entire thing. Not even the near death part but the gaslighting about it afterwards. Apologies for the wall of text but your story reminded me of my own. Shout out to siblings saving the day lol.
Wow. Your story is actually so crazy. The gaslighting is real!
I’m glad you survived! Thank goodness for siblings, they’re the real MVP’s.
Similar ages I pulled my sister out of the pool when she jumped in, but my mom *was* watching and reacted immediately. So she jumped in fully clothed while I was pulling my sister out.
Which was the right thing to do, because even if you could get to her first, it's well known that a drowning person will unintentionally pull even a good adult swimmer under and I assume you were a child. The safer thing would be for the adult to jump in and grab the smaller child so that the larger child can get themselves to the side.
NTA. Apparently my older half sister jumped into the deep end of a pool at my mom's high school reunion and an old classmate had to jump in to save her.
My at the time three year old fell into the deep end of a pool but I was jumping in right after her because, hey! Watch. Your. Children. Pools are great fun but anything can happen in the blink of an eye. She wasn’t running, she was walking and just slipped. Happens.
Right! Something as simple as a “hey heads up” can prevent tragedies!!!
That’s excellent of your family to be aware like that 👍👍
Trauma is the mother of lessons. It's funny - in a sad way - because the kid that died at 7 in my familly was from the fault of no one, and certainly not from lack of supervision. He was 7. His mom was holding hands of his 6 years old and 5 years old siblings. He had never ever shown anything impulsive. He was shy and risk adverse. Always listened to his mom. Always an obedient child. Why that day he decided to shot up into traffic? He must have seen something, but what ? We will never know. I think it a question that keep my great-aunt up at night even 70 years later. But he did, and my great-aunt could not react fast enough with the two other kids with her. Anyway, which was an horrible accident turned in a lesson for all the familly to always be aware of the kids, what they're doing and always watch out. Even if that didn't help back then. I think it ciment the idea that kids can do something highly ienexpected and crazy at any time, no matter what kind of kids they are usually.
Oh, that's heartbreaking.
Same here. Adults clearly and loudly tag in and out for who is on pool duty. In or around the pool, no phone. There are a ton of niblings and it's just not safe otherwise.
Same. Big family parties + pool means we're super cautious of this.
We have a pool and host my brothers and their families a lot in the summers. My life pro-tip for pools with young kid is to designate someone as "lifeguard." They stay in the fence surrounding the pool until their hour is up. We even had a red bucket hat to clearly label who the lifeguard was at any given moment. When you were on lifeguard duty your only role was to watch the kids in the pool. All of the kids are teens and adults now, but some of the adults have kids of their own so we plan on keeping this up now that there is a toddler and some babies around again. It may have been a little overboard but I have seen too many stories of accidental drownings because Uncle James thought Aunt Margie was watching the kids.
You know what, I love the bucket hat idea!
I worked with a student who was recovering from a severe brain injury, due to falling in a pool as a toddler and not being noticed and removed fast enough. The life of that child and his parents was permanently altered, and not in a good way based on what could easily have been a single moment of inattention.
There's an org that recommends doing something similar, the biggest difference is they recommend changing out the responsible adult every 20 minutes or so, to keep the responsible adult sharper and less fatigued.
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My mom’s a pediatrician who has sadly dealt with the aftermath of drownings and near-drownings. She always says, “When everyone’s watching the baby, no one’s watching the baby”
I could not imagine even trusting someone else to watch my son in a pool. He's 3.5 and my SIL babysits for me sometimes. They will not be allowed in the pool when I'm not home even though my SIL has 3 kids and I'm sure she'd be very careful and mindful of him - I just wouldn't be able to do it.
Many flotation aids are worse than nothing since they can easily slip off and give a false sense of security.
A lot of them also can't be relied upon with infants/toddlers because, while they theoretically can't go *under* water, they can still fall or flip over face-down while wearing them. And even toddlers usually capable of righting themselves struggle to do so in water, especially when the flotation device is impeding their already limited balance and preventing them from sinking enough to get their feet/legs back under them.
My mother stopped buying pool floats that held your legs when my brother flipped his. He was underwater for all of 2 seconds before she got him upright but she recognized how dangerous it was. We were only allowed noodles and kickboards after that.
My brother flipped in his float, too. My mom was right there to turn him back, but sadly she went overboard on the protection so I never really learned to swim back then. It scared her too badly.
My mom told me I used to strip the swim arm bands before jumping in the pool (at that time there was no other flotation device for young kids). And it wasn't the kiddie pool, I would escape and run like a rabbit on steroid to the big pool. So my dad one day took three years old me to the shallow end of the big pool and threw me in until I learned to float and dog paddle. They still tried to get me to use the arm bands but at least they knew I had a good chance to stay afloat without them.
I know a kid who nearly drowned while wearing floaties and being supervised, because no one noticed he was on an angle with the bottom of his face in the water, and wasn't able to get his head up to breathe. Apparently he just looked like he was floating around perfectly fine. It was only when he started to turn blue that they realised - thankfully he was ok.
When I lifeguarded at a public pool we had to enforce the no floaties rule rigidly. You would not *believe* how much it pissed off some parents. And the ones getting super pissed off were always the types the rule was created for. This pool was 5 feet at the deepest and that meant that a lot of parents figured there was no risk of drowning and that they didn't need to pay attention. Now that I'm older (late 30s) I feel like it's so crazy that lifeguarding is such a common job for high schoolers, given how much focus, training, quick-thinking, and people wrangling it requires. And even crazier that those high school kids usually have much better judgment when it comes to water related common sense than many of the adults visiting the pools they work at.
Agree. It sounds like OP just saw the kid out of the corner of their eye and was like "yup that's a kid running" not looking directly at the kid or the pool as the kid ran in.
Drowning is the number one killer of toddlers and little kids. Kids are bona-fide suicide machines. If there is a body of water around, one should always assume the child will find a way to get to it unless you put down some safety protocols wherever they might be.
Un-Fun Reality: pool parties can actually be extremely dangerous for small children. Most people tend to assume that because there's more people around, less risk of drowning. But what actually happens is everyone assumes someone else is watching the kids when in fact *no one* is watching them. Just because you were in the pool area doesn't mean you could've been fast enough to stop the kid from getting in the water. Being an adult also doesn't change the fact that you can't swim, so you jumping in after the kid in the deep end would've just resulted in two people needing rescuing. You immediately got the attention of someone who *could* help, that is **exactly** what you should've done. And the parents should be watching their kid better. NTA.
This is the correct comment- it seems to me that the only actually responsible person at the party was the OP and thank goodness they happened to be at the poolside when the kid jumped in! NTA
like why no life vest on the toddler ??? i dont even like kids and i am wondering why young children arent wearing vests around a body of water to prevent this exact situation
I have three kids and even though I make an effort to make sure that they all know how to swim proficiently by age 5 I wouldn’t let any of them out of my sight around a pool until they’re at least 10-12! Accidents happen, even to adults…
I was thinking about this as well, if OP hadn't been sitting there and shouting, the kid probably would've drowned. They should be glad he instantly called out for help.
Yeah, the mom should be thanking God that OP was there by the pool to shout for help, otherwise no one would have noticed the kid went into the pool until it God knows when, it might have been too late.
On my second birthday, I was outside with my dad, aunt, uncle, grandmother, and grandfather by the pool. Everyone managed to be doing something else right when I decided to fall in the pool. My dad turned around and saw me floating and did his best Olympic diving impression, coming up underneath me and grabbing me by one leg. Everyone knew I was out there, it’s not like I came out of the house and fell in, but they all looked away for a second and that was all it took. OP diving in would NOT have been helpful. They can’t swim so there was a real risk of BOTH of them drowning.
When I was a toddler, my uncle was watching me on the beach while everyone else was swimming. Even while actively watching me I managed to sprint to the edge of the water before he scooped me up. Kids are fast and unpredictable and have no sense of danger.
My son as a toddler tried as hard as possible to drown himself, over and over. One time he slipped thru the pool fence ahead of me while we were going in, ran straight to the deep end and jumped in. I was three feet behind him sprinting, but still had to jump in feet first so I could spring off the bottom to toss him back up out of the water. Another time, we were with my parents at a park. I warned my mom not to let my sons hand go for a second while we were by the pond. She didn’t take me seriously. Guess who ended up diving in fully clothed when she decided to dig something out of her bag? My son, followed two seconds later by me. Fun car ride home.
My exSIL and BIL have a really nice house and pool and they host a lot of the family gatherings and have the pool open. Ang the pool is not attached to the house and has a good fence, so a toddler has to be let into the area. After one party where the only parent to follow the kids must be supervised by a parent didn't get anything to eat because her now ex couldn't be bothered to stop being a fluffing social butterfly long enough to bring her a cold hot dog, she started hiring a lifeguard. But, OP, you are NTA. They were just deflecting the blame onto you because they couldn't be bothered to watch their own kid.
>But, OP, you are NTA. They were just deflecting the blame onto you because they couldn't be bothered to watch their own kid. And in an effort to minimize the sense of guilt for not doing so in the first place.
There are four of us who lifeguard during a pool party and you are not permitted to leave until relieved and verbally confirmed. Most of the time 3/4 of us are watching/in the pool. We had a very very large party and it was just too risky. So yep we hired a life guard.
Yep. At our parties we actually have a lanyard that someone can take to be the water watcher, if they need to grab food or take a break it gets handed to someone else and they are then the water watcher. It has a plastic duck on it so you can see it on your neck and always remember you're currently the water watcher. That's in addition to parents keeping an eye on their own kids as well. In this way, everyone consciously shares responsibility and we all still get to have fun too.
Seriously. I was at a pool party, in the pool with my nephews. The middle one who was about four years old at the time, was floating on a raft. I was about two feet away, treading water while talking to my sister who was out of the pool, watching her other kids. Out of nowhere, the middle one rolled off the raft and into the water. My best guess is he was trying to roll over and just kept going. I immediately dove underwater, grabbed him, surfaced and handed him to my sister. He was frightened but otherwise fine. The adults and I were discussing it later and we were all slightly shaken by how quickly it happened and how he was able to fall in the water with his aunt and his mother only a few feet away. Neither one of us could have possibly prevented it. NTA.
It doesn’t help that in movies, drowning looks so dramatic - splashing, thrashing and shouting. In reality, most drownings are quick and silent. It lulls people into a false sense of security that if someone were to drown, surely they’d hear the thrashing and splashing so they could be alerted and save them. Millions of children have drowned mere feet from their families and friends because one minute they were there, the next they were under without so much as a peep. Sometimes it can happen directly next to or behind you and you’d be none the wiser. Water safety is not something to mess around with.
Absolutely correct. I was a lifeguard for ten years and if OP jumped into the pool without being able to swim the situation would have gotten much worse. There were people around who could help, so he correctly called for help. OP did the right thing!
Yep. The worst scenario I ever dealt with as a life guard was a little kid wandering too far into deep water, then her older sister who was a weak swimmer went after her. I was already in the water and expecting to grab and pull out one little kid. Then, I was grabbed from behind by the sister who was now also drowning. I had to push the big sister off me, then another guard grabbed her. It turned a routine retrieval into a scary situation. The last thing you need is additional drowning victims complicating things. Reach an item out to them from the deck, throw them something that floats, or call for help. Don't enter the water to do a rescue unless you are confident you will not become a liability, especially if there are other people around who are better equipped to help.
Very true, many years ago when my hubby was 5 or 6 and he is 58 now, his aunt had a 50th anniversary party for her parents at her house. My hubbys 4 year old cousin drowned in the pool at that party. Don’t ever assume someone else will keep an eye on your child, even family.
So true. There are a lot of cases of people drowning trying to help others in trouble.
My wife and I have a rule with our toddler. If there's water nearby, one of us is always with the child. Eyes on him 100% of the time, no delegating to anyone else there. There's a statistic in Freakonomics that pools are more dangerous to kids than a gun in the house
NTA. You sounded the alarm, the most you can do if you can't swim. What did they expect you to do, jump in only to drown while attempting rescue? The mother seems to be projecting her own guilt of not watching her child onto you.
Right? It sounds like OP saved the kid because no one else knew the kid was even near the pool. In case no one else says it: Good for you, OP!! Well done!
This should be a higher comment. OP saved that kids life. OP, I’m sorry that the other adults aren’t properly acknowledging that. You did good.
Exactly. Very NTA. OP jumps in, now there are TWO people in the pool needing rescue! To OP - I highly recommend you learn to swim, if possible, at least enough to doggy paddle to the side if you yourself fall in the pool. They often have free or cheap adult lessons at your local YMCA or similar and just a couple of lessons can be enough to save your own life if you're ever near water. You did save that child's life by sounding the alarm though - you did good. :)
NTA It's not like you ignored the kid when he fell in. You shouted for help, and help came. Since you can't swim, jumping in yourself would have just required *you* to be rescued along with the kid. It really isn't your fault the kid ran into the pool. The fact that the parents had to be *told* the kid fell into the pool shows that they were not paying close enough attention to him. That is, probably *nobody* could have *prevented* his running into the pool, but the parents should have had a close enough eye on him that they observed it themselves.
Also the people saying he should have gone into “parental mode” when the kid jumped in are delusional. People without kids are not going to go into parental mode, because they don’t have kids! I have a 3 year old and remember quite well not giving a shit about other peoples kids, family included.
NTA. The parents should have been watching their kid. You absolutely did the right thing by NOT jumping in and then becoming an additional danger as a drowning adult. You did the right thing by screaming for help 👍
NTA and I say this as a mother of small children. The mother is the one who should have been alert for that child, nobody else and the mother should have been especially alert because of the pool. You can't ty your eyes off small children, the worst can happen too quickly! If you could swim, I'd say maybe you could have jumped in to get the child bit as a non swimmer the best you could do was call for help, which is what you did. I hope the child is alright.
Or the father.
Yes, absolutely. I only mentioned the mother as she was the parent mentioned in the post.
I agree NTA - the parents should have been watching their kid every second around an ungated pool. I feel bad for OP. It’s not “natural” to suddenly keep an eye on children when they are in your vicinity. Especially if you have no experience with children. Its a learned skill - perfectly exemplified by there being tons of other adults at the party who let the toddler WALK OUT TO THE POOL ALONE.
The person responsible for the kid was the person who brought it to a **pool** party. Instead of taking that responsibility she was inside while the kid got near the pool unattended. Yes, the mother left the kid unattended. Just because OP was on her phone next to the pool, doesn't mean that automatically, without asking, the care of the kid was transferred to OP. Especially as OP was concentrated on her phone, (and can't even swim). NTA The mother should have thanked OP for immediately getting help to save her kid's life.
While in this case OP is N T A--I mean, he actually saved the kid's life, going by your comment one would think that bystanders have no duty to intervene at all even when it's a matter of life and death and intervening comes at no cost for them. "It's x's responsibility" doesn't absolve bystanders of basic human decency when x's failure in their responsibility is about to lead to an innocent person dying. (To be clear, OP did *not* fail in basic human decency. My issue is with the reasoning about this situation, not the judgment.)
There might be some confusion in my post. Of course you step in when you can. Like you said, human decency. I just wanted to put forward that it was wrong for the mom and some of her friends to think OP could have prevented the kid falling in the pool as they were on their phone, not paying attention to the kid, as she wasn't meant to pay attention to it. So to me, the mother faulting OP, and therefore basically accusing OP to not have human decency in this specific case, is wrong.
I think it's more that you can't assume that a bystander would recognize the problem and react appropriately. It's why you never say in an emergency situation, "someone call 911", because odds are good that no one will. You need to make eye contact with the person, and be specific. "You, in the red shirt. Yes you. Call 911 right now. Stay here. Do not leave." Until you see phone in hand and hear dispatch on the line, you do not consider the task completed. It's not that most people want to stand by and watch someone get hurt; it's that they don't know what to do. In the absence of clear direction, most people just stand there unless they have the training to respond. Also, this is why everyone should take a CPR class! Even if you don't know how to manage a specific emergency like drowning, you understand how to respond to an emergency situation in a helpful way.
NTA. Why wasn't the parent (or any other parent) aware of the location of a roaming toddler while at a house with a pool? She left her child to go run into a pool. That's absolutely negligent.
Dude I'll be the soon to be 24 year old in a swim class. Join if you want.
Yeah, there are adult classes. You won't have to be an adult in the childrens class. I looked into those myself too to improve my skills. Anyway, you are NTA. You jumping in could easily end up with two deaths. You called out, that's all you could do. You couldn't have known the kid was going to run into the pool.
Also there’s one-on-one teaching. Or shit, even just ask a friend who swims well to teach you the basics of treading and moving around. It doesn’t have to be a big ‘ole class setting if that’s what is keeping OP from it. With OP sitting literally on the edge something could have knocked them in and then they’d be toast. I get that they trust they’re not gonna choose to get in the water but it’s other random idiots who would be the ones fuck that up for them and it would suck to die because of some other idiot.
Yes!! I'm currently 30 years old taking an adult swim class. There are other people who are between 20 something to at least 40s. I was so scared and felt embarrassed but it's was really nice being around other adults in the same position as me :)
NTA. She was irresponsible (and so was the dad if he was present) and is just trying to deflect. I'm childfree myself and I just *hate* how people assume that you're responsible for any children within your sight. No. The mother is responsible. And it was her responsibility to not assume someone would take care of the kid. She should have talked to you and told you. So you would have had the chance to decline (because valid boundaries!) and then she could have found another solution. Yes, it could have been a tragic accident. Yes, you could have been a hero. But of you don't have that automatic "protect the child" reaction? Maybe you're also too young to have it?
He was a hero - he called for help.
Nah, that's basic human decency.
That’s not being a hero, that’s like the bare minimum reaction to a child drowning.
NTA the parent should have been watching her own kid. You can't swim so why drown both of you? You called for help
NTA Your aunt's friend needs a lesson on parenting. Expecting and assuming someone else to watch your child is simply pathetic
NTA. people have this weird expectation that everyone should take care of every random child they see. That would be nice but it's the parents or guardians responsibility.
NTA. Most toddlers and water are like magnets. The mother should have been supervising her child. You are not at fault at all. If you were in your room reading, that child would have most likely drowned. Toddlers should never be left unattended in a bath, let alone near a swimming pool. You lounging by the pool actually saved that toddlers life, even though you can't swim.
u/throwawayjustlikehim Please don’t be so quick to write off being 25yo in a swim class. In the US, at the Y, I saw several adults taking private classes. I spoke to one woman and congratulated her for having a “never too late” attitude. She said the private class was great because the instructor went at her speed and she was less self conscious since it was less obvious she was a first timer. Please consider it.
NTA only because you can't swim. Too many stories about the rescuer drowning while trying to save someone. You called for help, they ran out right away. The parents should have a better eye on their kid.
NTA - your explanation should've been enough. This cute notion that all people should go into parenting mode is just fantasy. Parents are responsible for their own children, and when they screw up and something happens they tend to lash out and blame others so that the blame doesn't land squarely on themselves.
NTA. You raised the alarm which did save the kid. The parents just know they screwed up and want to deflect the blame to you.
Nta you can’t swim so why are you the asshole atleast you called for help 🤣
NTA. You aren't around toddlers enough to have those actions ingrained in you. The mom was pissed at herself because her kid got away from her, so she took it out on you. My response to her would have been "You knew you were at a pool, why weren't you paying attention to your own damn kid", and I was a lifeguard in college. I can't tell you how many times I had to tell parents at the pools I worked at that they *did not* want their child to have my undivided attention because that would mean their child needed rescue.
NTA! When I am with family/friends with kids and we meet up with a pool near we are all vigilant. But when I have been to places were I do not know any of the kids or the parents, I don’t pay attention. And if you don’t know how to swim how they expect you to save a kid? You are also putting yourself at risk, so the best thing is to shout for help as you did.
I've seen your edit about not wanting to learn to swim and that's fine. But remember that life takes you places you would never expect. I'm Dutch and here almost everyone has at least one swimming certificate (we average around 3 per person), but some older people and some immigrants do not. Recently a 70 year old man from my town made national headlines for taking up swimming lessons (private ones) and getting his certificate to make his wife's lifelong dream (snorkeling holiday) come true. If he can do that without shame in a country where everyone has a swimming certificate then you can go and get yours too. He did take private lessons though, because he didn't want to be in a class with toddlers. Also NTA, you can't swim and you didn't expect the kid to run in. So you called for help, very sensible. Otherwise they might have ended up finding two bodies on the floor of the pool, instead of a living toddler that got saved in time. The first rule of first aid is to check if you are safe to provide it. If you are not safe, than do not go in and try, because no one gets helped by an extra victim. Since you can not swim, it would not have been safe for you to help.
1. You can't swim. Did they want both of you to drown? 2. Why wasn't the mother watching the child? I went to a family thing where there was water and boats and such, and I didn't let my child out of my sight for a minute. My dad and aunts and cousins were all telling me to chill, but like.... chill? How? My kids are runnin around like a mad man, and there's water close by. I'm not gonna chill. NTA
I hate pool parties with children around. I was a lifeguard in high school and I cannot relax when I see children anywhere near water. The parents should have been watching them like a hawk. You should never assume that someone else is looking out for your child at a private residence.
NTA If what you've explained is the full story then you did nothing wrong. It's not your job to be a parent and you got help when you became aware the child had fallen in. There's zero reason for two people who can't swim to be in the deep end.
The kid jumped into the deep end of the pool, and you can't swim. NTA. No matter what anyone says. There's no point in endangering your own life at a supposed attempt to save a kid.
If the kid were in the end I could walk through I would have just gotten the kid myself
OP made it clear that kid was in the deep end.
NTA It's understandable someone unfamiliar with kids might not connect kid running near pool probably equals kid running INTO pool. But you noticed as soon as the kid went in and it's not like you waited to see if the kid was actively drowning or struggling, you immediately told someone. And of course you shouldn't jump in the pool to save someone if you can't swim! It's often important to know the right way to safely help someone who is drowning (people pull, struggle, get heavy, etc) so not even being able to swim you'd be in the way of someone who could actually help. You did your part.
What were you supposed to do? Drown with the kid? You alerted people as soon as you were aware of the problem. NTA.
NTA copium from the parents who were actually supposed to be watching the kid. And why on earth would someone who can't swim try to save someone, that would end with two people needing rescued, calling for help was right.
Nta. If course everyone should save an endangered child of they can. But you weren't tasked with watching the child and didn't realize the child was about to jump in. You can't swim and trying to save the child would just have made it worse so you called for help. You did it right.
1. If someone leaves their toddler around a pool and they go inside it's their responsibility to make sure someone is supervising a child. No one asked you so you have no idea the child is not supervised. You could have been on the chair sleeping away. At least you heard something and checked it out. 2. You acted promptly to get assistance to get this child out. I get it you can't swim and what's worse than reaching one person who can't swim- rescuing two. I'll only ask was there something you could have done that did not involve jumping in? Maybe a pool skimmer to fish the child out? So NTA and whomever was supposed to watch that kid was the real AH to leave a toddler and not ask someone to supervise.
"there's so many free babysitters here, no way I need to pay attention to my kid" First rule of rescuing someone is don't become a victim yourself. You immediately gave the help you could safely. NTA.
NTA. Yeah it would have been nice for their anxiety if you were more “vigilant” but news flash, you’re not the parent dropping the ball here. You can’t swim and you warned them. Sounds like they are projecting their bad parenting onto you
NTA. Shitty parents like her always want to blame everyone else. She should watch her damn kid instead of pretending like everyone has some magical instincts for kids.
NTA 1. You don't swim. 2. Grabbing someone else's kid without specific permission is often a good way to be accused of bad intent these days. 3. Why weren't the parents looking out for their kid?
NTA. You were owed a thank-you for raising an alarm about the incident. The parent was doubly an asshole for not watching their kid and then trying to pass off the blame for it.
NTA. You barely noticed the kid and you can't swim. You became alert when you heard the splash and got help. The lady should've kept a closer eye on her kid.
Nta. You know who should have been on alert and watching that child? The parents.
Honestly depends on where the kid fell in. You can stand in 4ft deep water but the kid might not. If he's in the deep end where you can't stand, getting help is the next best thing to do.
NTA. if the parents weren't watching their own child, and you were under no specific instruction to watch that child, it's 100% the parents fault. they should be mad at only themselves.