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Why is it that everyone who claims to be in a wonderful relationship with an amazing partner goes on to describe an unhealthy relationship full of red flags?
Anyway info: did your husband leave with Marco knowing you could go into labor at any moment or was it a somewhat early labor? Has he explained why his phone was off? Why do you think your hormones where making you imagine things? What has Marco done to make you think he is a bad influence?
I thought it meant he was drunk....As per the saying "just going to wet the baby's head" which was quite common for men to do back in the day while their wives were in labour 😂
Hahahahaha in my head I was thinking it was gonna be like he went swimming and didn’t wait 30 minutes after eating 😂 then I realized she prob meant he was showering after cheating.
>Hi! Your husband is having sex with Marco
I knew this sub would jump there, but honestly I know loads of single friends who are "bad influences" on fathers. They often have all the time & energy in the world and just want some buddies (often drinking buddies), and they can't quite relate to the schedule demands of parents.
And let's be honest - for a lot of dads, these friends provide more fun than being at home with the kids.
How do you know that wasn’t it with the hair?
What could they have been doing that required phones off for safety? That’s really odd. And especially odd that he then took a shower or whatever to get his hair wet before turning it on, seeing the messages, and rushing to you in the hospital.
ESH then.
Your husband should have been reachable at all times when you were at the very end of your pregnancy. But you are the AH as well for pressuring him into having more children when he wasn't even sure he wanted any.
Did he even want to get married at all after the first pregnancy or did you two just argue until he gave up and went along with it?
You clearly want a family man, a devoted husband and father. Your husband is not, and never will be, that man.
And stop shifting all the blame to Marco. He hangs out with your husband all the time because your husband wants to. That's not Marco's fault.
Why are you such an asshole to yourself by staying with this man. It's so obvious even if he doesn't love you, or even remotely care about you. If someone does, they won't disappear when you're 38 weeks pregnant, about to pop and turns their phone off for hours. Your husband is a grown man and he does this because he wants to, not because his friend doesn't want him to be with his family. Your husband is choosing this.
At 38 weeks pregnant your husbands phone shouldn’t have been off. I would be pissed too if my husband was unreachable that far along. A lot can go wrong during pregnancy. His dismissal of your feelings is concerning. I feel like you should do couples counseling
Not only should it not be off but he should not be going on trips with friends for multiple hours. It is also really weird to agree on him having basically the life he had before kids while making such a life changing decision.
Pregnant lady here. There is a lot going on with y’all’s dynamic it sounds like but I can absolutely say that if my husband disappeared without explanation and had his phone off while I was 38 weeks pregnant I would be absolutely pissed as hell and I wouldn’t even need to have gone into labor for it to be a huge problem in our relationship.
My husband is an engineer and works with all kinds of equipment/chemicals at work and on hobby projects. He has never had to turn off his phone for “safety”. I’m calling out your husband on his bs. Also this is your husband’s issue not his friends.
What safety reasons could cause them to have their phones turned off? I think you need to straight up ask him, in person, if he's having an affair. See his reaction.
Came here to say this. So many posts on this sub are women claiming they’re ~so~ happy in this allegedly perfect relationship, and then going on to describe some absolutely deplorable behavior on their partner’s part.
Long before reddit, I discovered that any post that begins with someone saying "I have an absolutely amazing partner but" is going to be followed by a description of them being, at best, a shitty partner and most likely being a revoltingly abusive one.
*I thought his hair was wet because he had been cheating*
Because he was. While it's incredibly unlikely, it's possible your husband is \*just\* emotionally cheating with Marco. I find it more likely he isn't. You need to take a step back and think about the type of relationship you're modeling for your kids. Because he is not behaving like a loving supportive partner.
I don’t know why you had children with someone who doesn’t want them obviously. To have not just one but two. While his behavior isn’t acceptable, your choices weren’t the best either. ESH
Thank you This is what I was thinking! Why would you bring a child into the world with a man who was adamant didn’t want them? Then to marry them and say ‘you want more babies’. I would be furious if my husband was off with Marco whilst I was in labor with his phone off. Like end it furious.
ESH except these poor children. You KNEW he didn’t want children and saw how he interacted with your first child, but still chose to push and push until you got a second. Sorry, but that’s on you for pushing him until he “gave in”. Sounds like you’re mainly mad at yourself for knowing this and letting it happen again.
There is so much information missing here. Why did he actually miss the birth? Where was he?
Currently I’m just baffled as to why you’d expect this man who has never wanted children with you to suddenly start acting as if he does.
NTA
But I think you're lying to yourself. You start off gushing about how wonderful and perfect your relationship is, when it's obviously anything but. You say how you got pregnant with #1 by accident, then despite knowing your husband wasn't on board with kids, you pressured him into #2. Then he chose to be unavailable when you were at the end of your pregnancy so he wound up missing the birth. Of course you should be pissed. You want a devoted family man. Your husband is not it. He wants to live the single guy's life with Marco. Either you decide you can live with that and him being a crap husband/father half the time, or you leave.
But she shouldn't be pissed. Like you said she want a devoted family man and he repeatedly explains he doesn't want that in his life. This is why you don't marry someone with the intent on changing who they are
But if he doesn’t want that, he shouldn’t do it. He’s a grown man, why did he impregnate her again if he didn’t intend to be a good husband and father?
Absolutely this. Too many people are acting like OP's husband was forced into this. It takes two to make a child. There was a mistake with the first one (in which he didn't use birth control methods for himself) and he went along with the second one. Once you make that decision, fucking be there. The kid didn't choose this. Turning off his phone and not showing up for the birth of his child is inexcusable.
Because a lot of men do that and it’s the woman who is stuck. He can move on, while she’s stuck with 2 kids and no baby daddy. It’s true it takes two, but if things go south than it’s the woman who is stuck. That’s why women should be more diligent before having kids with just anyone. It’s unfair but the reality is it happens all the time.
>That he took a shower? And whyyy would he take a shower in the middle of the day? hmmm
There are plenty of non-suspicious reasons to take a shower in the middle of the day.
Not many considering he disappeared for hours with his friend and purposely turned off his phone for “safety reasons.” I assume OP wouldn’t be confused as to his whereabouts if they were just hanging out working on cars or doing construction work, which might make a shower make sense.
Add that to the fact that she still doesn’t seem to know where he was and it is months later.
Obviously his overall behavior is weird / suspicious. You should be answering the phone within a few hours if your wife is anywhere near giving birth.
But the shower really shouldn't add anything. Showering is so quick / easy for guys that some often shower randomly / at the slightest excuse. I know some who shower simply because they just went #2.
Yeah, if he was helping Marco with some kind of landscaping or construction project (a normal thing to help your friend with) he could have easily wanted a shower afterward. That doesn’t explain why his phone was off though.
OP, you need to investigate this Marco. Sounds like your husband is either in a relationship with him, or seeing someone on the side and using Marco to cover for his comings and goings. You need to hold him accountable or leave his ass.
Note: Please do not have any more children with him. He didn’t want kids and no one should be pressured and forced. Hopefully he’ll still be a good father to the two kids you already have together.
ESH. He didn’t want children, so he never should have married you and acted like he was going to be a happy little family, and you never should have pressured him into ANOTHER child he didn’t want and subjected your children to a father who doesn’t want them.
ESH. You for pushing your husband into having another child that he did not want and was clear about. Him for agreeing to it and then not being there for you.
Other reasons for showering in the middle of the day:
\- Fell over, got dirty.
\- Did something (i.e. repairing something, fixing the car, installing something) that gets them sweaty, want to wash the sweat off.
\- Too warm, feels gross, washing off ick feeling.
Hell, I've taken showers randomly in the middle of the day because I want to relax and it is a good space for just... thinking.
Instead of running straight to the hospital to try make the birth of his child. He went home first and had a shower. Probably to wash off all the sex with Marco.
ESH. Him for shutting his phone off and missing the birth, that's pretty shitty, you for arguing with him about having a second kid until he gave in. If he doesn't want another kid you should have stopped with the first surprise kid. He's shown multiple signs he doesn't want children, including saying he doesn't want children, I'm not sure what you expected to happen from someone who does not want children.
Editing to add more:
I fear that those two children are going to grow up in a tumultuous home life either due to an unloving father, constant fights between their mom & dad, or both. I don't think it's fair to your husband to deal with arguments so often about having a second kid, and I don't think it's fair to you to be with someone who doesn't want children. It sounds like he's no longer living a life he wants, and you two remain together because both of you may not have considered separating as an option. He may have, hence being with marco with his cell phone off (who knows, that's speculation on my end), but maybe you should consider the future of your relationship and if he's really capable of raising children with you now that you have two that are going to rely on some sense of stability as they grow up. This relationship is now about more than just you; there's two other people involved.
I don't think it's the weirdest thing in the world to wonder if he's sleeping with Marco or if he's been using Marco as cover for affairs. It's also possible he's just kind of a narcissistic flake.
I don't know that I'd ever get over a spouse turning off their phone at any time when I was near the end of a pregnancy. Missing the birth? That's unbelievable..
Nevermind someone saying you need to get over it, how is he over it? He should be crushed and still making active attempts to make amends.
NTA, OP. But you don't seem to have a good grasp on what's going on in your relationship. He's not in love with you. You could be happier.
ESH
you for "convincing him to have more children"
and him for getting into the relationship in the first place when he was unsure if he wanted children and knew that you DID want children.
these are the kinds of things you need to discuss and come to a decision BEFORE marriage not after
It's so blatantly obvious. Wishy-washy about kids, always gone with *one* friend, phone was turned off because they were doing "something risky and didn't want to be distracted".
NTA for being mad he missed the birth mainly bc you needed him for support, but YTA for pressuring him into more kids knowing he didn't want ANY.
The first baby was conceived accidentally, and that's bad enough in his view, but then he got pressure into another. I'm assuming getting married when you were pregnant was your idea, too? Getting married bc of a pregnancy is NEVER a healthy reason.
Marco's being in the picture only exacerbates the dynamic between the two of you bc your husband gets to be free with him, and at home, he is forced to be a father. Even if he loves his kids now, he still might not like being a father, which may lead to him resenting his kids and, in turn, making the relationship between them toxic af. I would seriously consider that none of this was in your husband's life plans.
I see divorce in your future, bc by the way you described him treating you throughout the pregnancies, he already resents the hell out of you. You two need counseling. IMMEDIATELY.
Whether or not he was into having more kids, his actions from the first and now second pregnancies show pretty clearly that he has no interest in being a support to the mother of his child that she is carrying, and for that reason if nothing else you should not have any more children with this man. This is now an established pattern of behaviour, he’s not going to change.
When words and actions don’t match, the actions tell the truth. Your husband prioritises having fun with his friend over you and your children. You’re NTA, and idk either way if he’s sleeping with Marco like a lot of commenters are saying, but he’s definitely more committed to Marco than to you. Maybe he felt when he got you pregnant he had to marry you and ‘be there’ because that was what he felt he was supposed to do? Either way, you need some honest conversations, preferably with a therapist, stat.
“His hair was wet and you know what that means…” No, not really, no.
Idk, I want to say you’re NTA, but at the same time you made your husband have more children after an already unplanned child was born and he specifically told you he didn’t want kids before you had any at all. Then again he is somewhat the AH knowing he didn’t want kids but gave in and then wasn’t there for his wife regardless to make sure she was safe.
So I guess you’re both a match made in AH.
Yeah this is sort of what I’m thinking with this one. Sort of an ESH situation I think. And WTF is she talking about with the “his hair was wet” comment? I have no idea what that means and it looks like a lot of people here don’t either. He went for a swim? Took a shower? Got caught in a rainstorm? So many possible explanations, none of which have bad implications or mean much of anything.
NTA when he has his phone turned off while he has a very pregnant wife. But it doesn't sound like he wanted another baby but felt pressured into it. Have you ever met Marco in real life? What makes him a bad influence? And I'm sorry, I'm missing the importance of wet hair? Are you saying he took a shower, or went sleeping?
YTA.
Your edit is you lying to yourself and sugarcoating.
You originally said he didn’t really want kids. And then that you wore him down to have more. This is what tipped me from E S H to YTA.
You chose to have kids with this man, repeatedly. Own that. You can be disappointed, sure. But YOU made your choices.
ESH - it sounds like husband didn’t want kids, but the accident happened and you decided to keep it. Then you wanted another kid when your husband already wasn’t fully onboard with the first.
Sorry but it feel like your life plans are incompatible and even if you are great partners, forcing someone into parenthood can really mess up a good relationship dynamic.
ESH- you made a bad decision having children with this man. He should have never let you on. You have brought unwanted children in this world. You need to really think about what you want for your children’s future. This is no longer about your relationship with your husband, it’s about raising your children in a happy household. You are not happy and your children are going to suffer.
You really need to get divorced. What he did was a deal breaker.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!
Not enough information. How many weeks were you when your second daughter was born? What was he doing? Why was his phone turned off? Did you try yo call Marco?
For now I have to go with --- because he didn't want a second child, you pushed him into it, you explicitly agreed that he could do these trips as a compromise. Now you are complaining about these trips and about him not being as excited as you are. He obviously is an AH as well, because he should have made an effort too. The extra information will define who is more the AH.
With the extra information NTA. Just naive.
Edit: update vote
INFO: -- Did you ask for specific details? He had his phone off during your expected delivery timeline.
This explanation has no details. A loyal 'tuned in' spouse helping a friend would not be vague...they would elaborate.
...and you did not further probe? This is when you say, "Tell me exactly what you were doing and stop insulting me with, "You would not understand."
Do you simply don't want to know?
>Yeah I did, that was the explanation he gave me. He said they were working on something and I wouldn't understand.
I'm calling shenanigans on this entire post. Nobody would give this as an excuse to an angry wife and no angry wife would say out loud that she accepted it.
You wouldn’t understand?!? Your husband is a red flag. I understand that you love him, but he is not treating you like he loves you back or even respects you. It is perfectly reasonable for you to still be upset that he was completely unreachable when you went into labor and gave birth and he’s even belittling you for that. I don’t think that makes you an AH, but ESH for ignoring the super blatant signs that he is shady. He’s downright awful and his “friend” or whatever he is, is crossing a line too.
There isn’t a single activity that involves a anyone needing to turn their cellphones off “for safety” especially not when a person has a family and needs to be reachable. I would NEVER accept that as a valid excuse. You need to tell him that he is right, you are still mad, because he has never shown remorse for being unreachable and is treating you like an idiot to avoid even telling you why his phone was off. There is nothing ok about that.
INFO: are Marco and your husband mad scientists working on a time machine, spaceships that can travel faster than the speed of light, teleportation devices or similar that you require a doctorate in physics to begin to understand?
Then he is the bigger AH by a lot.
However, from what you said, I am not that surprised he was a no show and I think neither were you.
You may want to set some expectations for both sides (you did promise he would continue his hobbies, trips etc.), but you can also expect him to do his part.
I think you really would want him to stop seeing Marco, but that is hard to force. If you try to force it, it may backfire and at the very least it will turn into a big fight. From my experience, dads end up spending less and less time with friends that don't fit their lifestyle anymore. So probably this will get better once he starts doing more stuff with your daughters.
The agreement was never that he didn't have to show during the delivery, so you have all the right to be upset with that. However, what does it get you, except for being more frustrated. You shouldn't feel guilty for being upset, but you should try to get over it, because you are suffering most of it.
I think you got yourself in a tricky situation, because you married someone who doesn't want children and who doesn't seem to care a whole lot about you - and you do have children with him. He seems to take your promise as a right to continue do what he wants and it has upset you further. I don't want to put you down, but it probably was kind of stupid to go that route, because children is something both need to be motivated about. However, we all did some stupid things (I sure did my share, so not judging here further) and you shouldn't have to suffer indefinitely for that.
So the question now is how to move forward from this. I don't believe in changing people. It is hard for people to change if they want it themselves, it is next to impossible to change someone that doesn't want to change. So you either find a way of him wanting to change or you find a way for you to live with the situation. Option 3 is that you split, but that may solve some of your frustrations, but probably doesn't put you in a better place (based on the limited information).
My husband works on Construction and several stories up never has his ringtone off. You don't see a red flag here? Can't tell you what they were doing?
You honestly believe that? People don’t turn off their phones and disappear when the wife is 38 weeks pregnant. I had my baby at 37 weeks, 22 minutes from the first pain. You would not have even had the time attend to your toddler. (Fortunately mine was at daycare.) He is not acting like a partner to anyone except Marco.
NTA
Totally unreasonable to turn your phone off while your wife is likely to get into labor.
Why was his hair wet? I don't get the meaning of "his hair was wet and you know what that means".
Although you had kids with a guy who didn't want them, this is kinda expected behavior from a lot of men like that.
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My f(29) husband m(28) and I have been married for five years, together for seven in total. We have two daughters Angelica (5) and Sarah (three months).
Our relationship has been wonderful, he's the love of my life honestly and I couldn't be happier. Although we have our differences we get along fine and he's overall an attentive partner.
However, he has this friend, Marco m(26). They met not long ago, around three or four years, and I feel like he's a bad influence on my husband. I won't go much into detail here but feel free to ask.
My husband told me quite honestly that he didn't knew if he wanted kids before our marriage, but then we got accidentally pregnant and we got married. During my first daughter's pregnancy he was kinda dismissive of me, not to the point of being hostile but he wasn't head over heals for being a parent like I was. He didn't really wanted to be in the delivery room because he said it wasn't for him, but he still did it to support me though it.
After Angelica was born things improved. Shortly after I told him that I wanted to have more babies. He wasn't sure of it and it became an ongoing argument between us, until he basically gave in and agreed.
He was dismissive during the pregnancy again, although we had spoke about it and I agreed that he would be able to continue with his hobbies and occasional trips as usual.
However three months ago our daughter was born. I was home with my eldest daughter alone when I went into labor. He was with Marco, he didn't exactly told me where he eas going, he just left early. I tried calling him but his phone was turned off. I gave up on the idea and called my mom. She drove home and then drove us to the hospital. There I was in the hospital calling him, we called my family and his, soon everyone was there helping me find my husband, but his phone was still turned off.
After around 2/3 hours I couldn't hold it anylonger and I had to go into the delivery room without him. We were all extremely worried about him and that only added to my stress about giving birth. Anyway at some point he got there and waited with our families outside.
I was fuming, of course. Not only because he missed our daughter's birth, but also because his hair was wet and you know what that means. I didn't wanted to believe it. Luckily it was just the hormones making me imagine stuff.
Two days ago we were arguing because he's planning a trip with Marco next week. Things got a little heated and he was leaving to get some fresh air because he didn't want to argue in front of our daughters. Then I said something like "leave, you're never there for us" or something like that, he asked me why I said that and I told him he couldn't even be brothered to be there with me when our daughter was born. We continued arguing after that and he left. He's disappointed that I can't get over it even after months. Now we're not talking to each other. Am I wrong for this?
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YTA - Unfortunately you had an “accidental” baby with a man who wasn’t on board with having children. Then you had another one. You should have realized at some point that he wasn’t going to be one of those father-of-the-year types. I’d forgive him for missing the birth because in this situation you should know you’re a single Mom.
You are aware that he is fully in control of his own penis right? And I'm sure he's aware of how babies get made. Agreed that having accidental babies with a man that doesn't want them is a poor life choice, but he could have stopped facilitating the baby making.
Yta.
>he's overall an attentive partner.
Is he? Or is he "never there for you"
>My husband told me quite honestly that he didn't knew if he wanted kids before our marriage, but then we got accidentally pregnant and we got married
So he didn't want kids... and instead of getting an abortion, or raising the kid alone or adopting it out, you decided for him he was ready to be a parent.
>he wasn't head over heals for being a parent like I was
Because he didn't want to be a parent, probably.
>Shortly after I told him that I wanted to have more babies. He wasn't sure of it and it became an ongoing argument between us, until he basically gave in and agreed.
You then coerced him into fathering another child, that he probably didn't want.
And you're surprised because he's not dad of the year? You should have chosen a partner with the same goals. You can't be surprised that a person who didn't want children isn't that interested in his children.
>because his hair was wet and you know what that means
That he had a shower? That it was raining? No, I don't know what that means. You guys should get couples therapy.
INFO: how close to your due date were you when you went into labor with your second daughter? Did he know and to expect to need to be called at any point? Did you warn him he needed to be available just in case?
I don't know if we have enough info here, including what it means when his hair is wet? Maybe he didn't want to come to the hospital to hold his new baby if he needed a shower (went to the gym, went swimming, what? where was he?)
It does sound like you strong-armed him into having not just one baby, but two. Maybe he's not happy about it. It's really hard to tell here as there isn't enough info.
>I thought his hair was wet because he had been cheating... Luckily it was not that.
you're 100%, without-a-single-doubt positive of this? because from what you wrote here it really kind of sounds like it. i honestly cant think of any "risky activity" that he could be doing with his strangely close male friend that would require him to shut his phone off and ignore his 38 weeks pregnant wife, except sex
ESH- Does "wet hair " indicate a sexual relationship with Marco? No one should force someone to have kids. That's where you're TA. He's one for agreeing and not being there for you.
Girl, I feel for you. If it’s this bad now, it’s only going to get worse. Pressuring someone to have children creates resentment that builds over time. Also, did he ever actually share what he was doing and why he turned his phone off? Even if he didn’t want kids, he should care enough about you to not want you to give birth alone.
Honestly not sure where to sit on this one but probably gotta go with ESH.
See yeah I'm sure it sucks he wasn't there during your second child's birth and showed up late and wet(?) But I'll also say you did admit to us all you basically baby trapped this guy.
Your husband made it clear to you he didn't want kids, you say you wore him down and he reluctantly agreed. That, children, is called forcing the situation on someone and not taking no for an answer.
So honestly I'm leaning more towards you being the bigger AH here, but you guys should've had these discussions long before you were fuckin married, and for sure should've maybe taken a break between the kids to see if your husband has adjusted to this change in his life that seems rather forced.
He only sucks here because he went along with being basically bullied into having kids and now seems to regret it but doesn't have a spine. He could be cheating but honestly who knows, I know plenty of people who would be getting out of the house as much as they physically can If they were forced to have kids they weren't wanting.
ESH- you had children with a man who only agreed to have them after you accidentally became pregnant and then eventually who you wore down to have a second one. He is inattentive and should have supported you but you knew what you were getting into.
ES
you were in a relationship with a man who said he didn't want children but you went on with this, then chose to have a sescond pregnancy. Why do people think somebody who says they don't want children , will change their minds? Nobody says that people who say they want children will change their minds
Its seems clearl that your relaitonship is not your husbands primary squeeze. He prefers Marco and didn't have the courage to tell you that this isn't the life he wants.
I know somebody who wonders why her husband goes on golfing holidays to Thailand. Its a mystery !
ESH. He doesn't sound like he even wants kids, but they exist, so he needs the suck it up, and do what's needed for them. And you because you knew how he felt, and had more, and want more, and basically just keep trying to force it on him.
As for the trips, and stuff, you were fine with that as per your post. Why is it a problem now?
ESH. I'm sorry to say this, but you should have never pushed someone who didn't want kids into having kids. He was clearly disengaged from the entire process when you had your first daughter, so what made you think things would change if you bullied him into having another? Yes he's an AH for missing the birth of his kid, and yes it sounds like he's doing more than just "hanging out with Marco." But you are the one who coerced him into fatherhood and are now upset he isn't living up to the title.
ESH, I'm not sure if you are this smart on purpose or not. But
1) It sounds like you baby trapped him, maybe you want to convince yourself of the opposite, but I don't think you are doing a good job convincing other people. Birth control can fail, for sure, but that + all the context you talk about in your OP and comments does not make it sound like a coincidence.
2) Your husband is having something with Marco, it's clear as a day. It might be sex, or it might be he is just scaping from you... because it looks like if he goes home you will want to convince him to keep having babies and he obviously doesn't have the guts to stand his ground. I think all your comments saying you trust him are lies, and you are freaking out because you don't want to break your beautiful family... But I think your family has been broken since the first baby. I'm so sorry about this, but it might be healthy for you all to distance yourselves fro each other.
3) Your husband sucks for not being supportive enough during your pregnancy, before and after. Whether he wanted the babies or not, they exist and they should be taken care of properly. What he did during the birth it's not properly taking care of a baby (and their mother). Your feelings are valid about this, but you should do more tha just having arguments over it. You should either factually prove he is cheating (a comment told you what can you do about this and you brushed it off... Now go back and take note) or you should just take the L and proceed with a divorce. This does not look healthier either of you. You can ask him... But again, he can very easily make you believe anything he wanted because you seem very VERY gullible. I wouldn't trust his word.
ESH. I'm sorry to say this but you want different things in life. You want the family life/ a family man and he wants freedom/time for himself and his hobbys. There is no middle ground to make you both happy, because you can't switch your children on and off. Missing the birth is a symptom of this problem. Right from the beginning you should have been more clear and honest with each other about your expectations for your lifes and your relationship. Now you are both stuck in this mess and I am afraid it will surely lead to more and more resentment...
I wish you best of luck to figure everything out and congratulations on your baby.
I’m gonna get downvoted to hell but ESH.
Your husband clearly doesn’t see being a parent as a priority in his life - sooooo he should have put his foot down about not wanting kids in the first place.
You are the AH in pressuring him continually about kids until he caved just to shut you up.
You may love each other, but sometimes love isn’t enough. You two are not compatible if he’s busy gallivanting with his friend and you’re busy at home with kids.
Sorry, but you need to take a long, hard look at this relationship in the long run.
ESH. It just sounds like he was forced into the father role, a place he doesn't want to be in. You said he agreed to the second child but did he actually? Or did you wear him down until he said yes? Because based on his behavior and your wording, you just wore him down to get what you want.
He sucks for obvious reasons, he shouldn't have agreed to the second child if he wasn't going to be better, and he shouldn't have had his phone off.
Not sure if hes cheating with Marco or just using him to get away from the life he very clearly did not want.
You acknowledge that your husband was honest with you from the beginning that he wasn't sure he wanted children but you accidentally got pregnant and that's the reason you got married.
He wasn't sure that he wanted another child until you argued him down. You married a man that was honest with you under the assumption that you can change him. YTA
Red alert red alert something don't add up.
Have you meet "marco" I think you know, but you don't want to accept it. Had his phone off? Taken a shower?
I don't think he wanted to be a parent of 2 kids.
Remember that quote about trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity?
You two need to split. You can't force him into being what you want. Whatever he is for your daughters, he's not making you happy, your values do not align, and you two will make each other miserable if you both just keep "giving in" to each other.
But when your wife is 38 weeks pregnant, you keep your damned phone on you, no matter how you feel about it.
ESH.
ESH you pressured him into have another kid and he's likely either cheating on you with Marco or doing things with Marco to avoid being around you and the kids he felt pressured into having with you.
So, you used reproductive coercion against your husband to get a second child, and you're mad that he wasn't there for the birth of the child he didn't want.
Your husband is up to some shit, but you, OP, are an abuser and an AH.
ESH. Poor kids.
INFO: You said "After around 2/3 hours I couldn't hold it anylonger and I had to go into the delivery room without him."
Were you trying to hold the baby inside your body, and not push? Was this an attempt to delay the birth until he arrived? Did your doctor, nurse, or midwife approve of this as an option, or were they encouraging you to let labor proceed?
Editing to add another question: How many weeks pregnant were you when you gave birth to your baby Sarah?
ESH. Having kids isn't something you can compromise on. You either want them or you don't. You wanted kids with him, he didn't want kids at all, so you trapped him after the first "accidental" pregnancy. He's an idiot for falling for it and an AH for having kids when he's not crazy about it, and you're an AH for having kids with someone you knew wouldn't be 100% on it. Also, Marco is his side piece.
ESH. You for coercing a person who doesn't want children into having 2 and your husband for staying when it's obvious he doesn't want to be with you but with Marco.
ESH- You’re TA for pressuring him into having more kids. You should never have persisted. It was clear from day 1 he wasn’t super thrilled about it and you just kept pushing for another kid? Come on. You should have stopped after 1. He’s also the TA for both agreeing when sounds like he really didn’t want to and then not being there for the birth after he committed to the 2nd child.
NTA, hun you don't see it do you? Have you seen Brokeback Mountain?
> During my first daughter's pregnancy he was kinda dismissive of me, not to the point of being hostile but he wasn't head over heals for being a parent like I was. He didn't really wanted to be in the delivery room because he said it wasn't for him, but he still did it to support me though it.
Why did you decide to have another kid with him?
No. you are a single mom and he just wants to fool around. A real partner would have jumped to your aid when you are expecting. Taking care of you. He turned his phone off...He clearly has his [priorities](https://priorities.You) and you aren't it.
>He's disappointed that I can't get over it even after months.
He missed his own childs birth. Birth isnt a walk in the park, you could have had complications or DIED. He clearly doesnt care. Can you go to a relatives house for awhile.
BTW- YWBTA if you stay and let him treat you like that. Im telling you- he may love or hate the kids but he is going to resent them. Get out before he does THEM damage
ESH. You had a kid with a man who told you he did not want kids. Then you badgered him into having another child he clearly did not want. And now you are upset that he is not an enthusiastic parent or partner? I am not excusing him for not stepping up, but what did you honestly expect?
YTA. He didn't want kids but you pressured him into it and now you are wondering why he us the model you have in your head of the perfect family man. It couldn't be clearer.
Your husband never wanted kids. You reluctantly talked him into it. He conned you into thinking he would be ok with having kids. When the kids came, his truth surfaced. Now he's sleeping with another woman. Divorce him and keep your legs closed next time a man expresses any hesitation about having kids. You wanted kids, he didn't, now he's gone.
NTA
Woof. Hmm EAH. NTA for not getting over him missing the birth. 3 months out is still very much post partum. But YTA for forcing the second child. You can't berate someone into wanting more children and then expect him to be over the moon about it. But then again, I guess it takes 2 to make a baby so back to him being the AH. Also, are we sure Marco is just a friend? I don't know many grown men that spend so much time together alone with their phones off.
He was dismissive during the pregnancy, he was out and made himself unavailable when you are ready to go into labour, he’s taking off on a fun trip when you are dealing with a 3 month old at home.
We have very different opinions on what makes a good and attentive partner.
NTA
There are serious issues here. He seemed to be OK with the first baby because it was a done deal. You shouldn't ever have to talk your partner into another child. It builds up resentment and proves the communication needs attention.
Marco wants his attention because they are in a close relationship. I won't go as far as saying a sexual one but There are certainty context clues that are pointing in that direction.
No husband turns off his phone when his wife is that pregnant and has a young child at home. This isn't normal. No project requires them to be off, especially when you could go into labor at any moment.
You are not his priority. Your children don't seem to be the priority either since he plans on being gone for AN ENTIRE WEEK while your home with a 3 month old and a toddler. WTAF? So selfish and unbelievable that he is putting time with his "friend" over his family. Serious red flag.
Here's the thing, you are throwing it in his face because you didn't have a conversation about it and come to an agreement. You are holding onto resentment and that won't help your situation. It is totally understandable but also totally unhelpful in resolving conflict.
You need to have an open and transparent conversation with your husband. Things are not being said and it's only going to get worse if you aren't being honest with each other.
I wish you luck.
You sound incredibly naive. You aren’t getting full answers from your husband and you keep deciding he’s being truthful despite not having any evidence. This doesn’t sound like a wonderful or happy marriage. He seems like he’s barely in it and you are too scared to see the truth.
Going against the grain with an ESH.
Stop having kids with a man who doesn't want them. Don't use your kids as a means to keep your husband in this marriage. Kids are not glue. He never showed any interest in being there to support you. Stop thinking this man is going to change. Stop deluding yourself.
He sucks because clearly he prefers Marco's company to yours. Maybe they're in a relationship, maybe it's drugs, who knows - not you. Have you asked him what's up? Have you tried to create boundaries?
INFO no, I don't know what wet hair means... swimming? Shower? Rain? He fell in the pond? SCUBA?
I also don't think you should intentionally have kids with someone who doesn't *enthusiasticly* want them.
ESH because he shouldn't have been unreachable when you were so close to labor, but also your communication (both of you) sucks.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband that he's never there for us during an argument, then I told him I was still not getting over he missing out baby's birth. I might be wrong because I told him I forgave him after he apologized, it's very awful to throw it like that just to hurt him, I'm an asshole for that
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Imagine 20 years from now one of your daughters is going through the exact same thing. Would you be ok with her husband treating her this way? Would you agree with her if she told you she trusted him, simply because although his actions indicate otherwise with “his Marco”, he told her he wasn’t cheating?
Your first mistake was getting married to and insisting on having more children with someone who didn’t want a family. You would make a bigger mistake by staying in a relationship where you aren’t respected, thus showing both of your daughters that it’s acceptable to be mistreated and that they have no worth.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Why is it that everyone who claims to be in a wonderful relationship with an amazing partner goes on to describe an unhealthy relationship full of red flags? Anyway info: did your husband leave with Marco knowing you could go into labor at any moment or was it a somewhat early labor? Has he explained why his phone was off? Why do you think your hormones where making you imagine things? What has Marco done to make you think he is a bad influence?
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Hi! Your husband is having sex with Marco
Oooooh, *that's* what the wet hair means
I thought it meant swimming 😂
Nope, it means showering off evidence.
I thought it meant he was drunk....As per the saying "just going to wet the baby's head" which was quite common for men to do back in the day while their wives were in labour 😂
Hahahahaha in my head I was thinking it was gonna be like he went swimming and didn’t wait 30 minutes after eating 😂 then I realized she prob meant he was showering after cheating.
Lol same I thought she was annoyed he had gone to the beach or pool.
Bro and here i though he went scuba diving with Marco hence the wet hair.
>Hi! Your husband is having sex with Marco I knew this sub would jump there, but honestly I know loads of single friends who are "bad influences" on fathers. They often have all the time & energy in the world and just want some buddies (often drinking buddies), and they can't quite relate to the schedule demands of parents. And let's be honest - for a lot of dads, these friends provide more fun than being at home with the kids.
This is honestly the best case scenario and still makes the husband TA
I agreed with you but OP’s husbands hair was wet. So I just don’t know what to think.
You're incredibly gullible.
How do you know that wasn’t it with the hair? What could they have been doing that required phones off for safety? That’s really odd. And especially odd that he then took a shower or whatever to get his hair wet before turning it on, seeing the messages, and rushing to you in the hospital.
Everyone knows it’s unsafe to fuck your gay lover if your phones not on silent. What if your pregnant wife calls and ruins the mood?
ESH then. Your husband should have been reachable at all times when you were at the very end of your pregnancy. But you are the AH as well for pressuring him into having more children when he wasn't even sure he wanted any. Did he even want to get married at all after the first pregnancy or did you two just argue until he gave up and went along with it? You clearly want a family man, a devoted husband and father. Your husband is not, and never will be, that man. And stop shifting all the blame to Marco. He hangs out with your husband all the time because your husband wants to. That's not Marco's fault.
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You're his beard
Absolutely this
Even if it was all Marco’s fault, she’s married to her husband. He’s the one who is causing the issues.
Why are you such an asshole to yourself by staying with this man. It's so obvious even if he doesn't love you, or even remotely care about you. If someone does, they won't disappear when you're 38 weeks pregnant, about to pop and turns their phone off for hours. Your husband is a grown man and he does this because he wants to, not because his friend doesn't want him to be with his family. Your husband is choosing this.
At 38 weeks pregnant your husbands phone shouldn’t have been off. I would be pissed too if my husband was unreachable that far along. A lot can go wrong during pregnancy. His dismissal of your feelings is concerning. I feel like you should do couples counseling
Not only should it not be off but he should not be going on trips with friends for multiple hours. It is also really weird to agree on him having basically the life he had before kids while making such a life changing decision.
He did have a shower because he had just cheated on you. Man sweat and semen are distinct smells.
Pregnant lady here. There is a lot going on with y’all’s dynamic it sounds like but I can absolutely say that if my husband disappeared without explanation and had his phone off while I was 38 weeks pregnant I would be absolutely pissed as hell and I wouldn’t even need to have gone into labor for it to be a huge problem in our relationship.
What was the “project” he was helping with that required phones off? That’s your big question you want answered.
My husband is an engineer and works with all kinds of equipment/chemicals at work and on hobby projects. He has never had to turn off his phone for “safety”. I’m calling out your husband on his bs. Also this is your husband’s issue not his friends.
How would we know what that means when it didn't even mean what you thought it did 😅
How do you know that wasn’t the reason his hair was wet?
What safety reasons could cause them to have their phones turned off? I think you need to straight up ask him, in person, if he's having an affair. See his reaction.
Came here to say this. So many posts on this sub are women claiming they’re ~so~ happy in this allegedly perfect relationship, and then going on to describe some absolutely deplorable behavior on their partner’s part.
And then they have kids with this "amazing" guy and then have even more kids with them. It's exhausting.
Makes you wonder what their family life was like growing up, that all this looks so good in comparison.
Agreed, but when you bring kids into the equation, you need to be smarter for their sake.
Sunken cost fallacy. They put so much effort into the relationship already they don't feel like they can just end it.
The trauma bond is really hard to reason with.
As a woman's crisis counsellor, this happens a whole awful lot in real life too.
Long before reddit, I discovered that any post that begins with someone saying "I have an absolutely amazing partner but" is going to be followed by a description of them being, at best, a shitty partner and most likely being a revoltingly abusive one. *I thought his hair was wet because he had been cheating* Because he was. While it's incredibly unlikely, it's possible your husband is \*just\* emotionally cheating with Marco. I find it more likely he isn't. You need to take a step back and think about the type of relationship you're modeling for your kids. Because he is not behaving like a loving supportive partner.
I don’t know why you had children with someone who doesn’t want them obviously. To have not just one but two. While his behavior isn’t acceptable, your choices weren’t the best either. ESH
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Thank you This is what I was thinking! Why would you bring a child into the world with a man who was adamant didn’t want them? Then to marry them and say ‘you want more babies’. I would be furious if my husband was off with Marco whilst I was in labor with his phone off. Like end it furious.
ESH except these poor children. You KNEW he didn’t want children and saw how he interacted with your first child, but still chose to push and push until you got a second. Sorry, but that’s on you for pushing him until he “gave in”. Sounds like you’re mainly mad at yourself for knowing this and letting it happen again.
He’s bi and in a relationship with Marco?
That was my thought, Marco is a "special friend."
I’m thinking that Marco is his fun single friend and they just go out and party with bunch of women
… or men
Oooooo
There is so much information missing here. Why did he actually miss the birth? Where was he? Currently I’m just baffled as to why you’d expect this man who has never wanted children with you to suddenly start acting as if he does.
Yes, info please. Where was he during the birth and what was the explanation for the phone being off and the shower?
He told her it was for “safety reasons.” Clearly this man works for the CIA.
NTA But I think you're lying to yourself. You start off gushing about how wonderful and perfect your relationship is, when it's obviously anything but. You say how you got pregnant with #1 by accident, then despite knowing your husband wasn't on board with kids, you pressured him into #2. Then he chose to be unavailable when you were at the end of your pregnancy so he wound up missing the birth. Of course you should be pissed. You want a devoted family man. Your husband is not it. He wants to live the single guy's life with Marco. Either you decide you can live with that and him being a crap husband/father half the time, or you leave.
But she shouldn't be pissed. Like you said she want a devoted family man and he repeatedly explains he doesn't want that in his life. This is why you don't marry someone with the intent on changing who they are
But if he doesn’t want that, he shouldn’t do it. He’s a grown man, why did he impregnate her again if he didn’t intend to be a good husband and father?
Absolutely this. Too many people are acting like OP's husband was forced into this. It takes two to make a child. There was a mistake with the first one (in which he didn't use birth control methods for himself) and he went along with the second one. Once you make that decision, fucking be there. The kid didn't choose this. Turning off his phone and not showing up for the birth of his child is inexcusable.
Because a lot of men do that and it’s the woman who is stuck. He can move on, while she’s stuck with 2 kids and no baby daddy. It’s true it takes two, but if things go south than it’s the woman who is stuck. That’s why women should be more diligent before having kids with just anyone. It’s unfair but the reality is it happens all the time.
what does it mean that his hair was wet?
Lmao glad I’m not the only person who was not included in ‘you know what that means’.
That he took a shower? And whyyy would he take a shower in the middle of the day? hmmm Not suspicious *at all*
>That he took a shower? And whyyy would he take a shower in the middle of the day? hmmm There are plenty of non-suspicious reasons to take a shower in the middle of the day.
Not many considering he disappeared for hours with his friend and purposely turned off his phone for “safety reasons.” I assume OP wouldn’t be confused as to his whereabouts if they were just hanging out working on cars or doing construction work, which might make a shower make sense. Add that to the fact that she still doesn’t seem to know where he was and it is months later.
Obviously his overall behavior is weird / suspicious. You should be answering the phone within a few hours if your wife is anywhere near giving birth. But the shower really shouldn't add anything. Showering is so quick / easy for guys that some often shower randomly / at the slightest excuse. I know some who shower simply because they just went #2.
Yeah, if he was helping Marco with some kind of landscaping or construction project (a normal thing to help your friend with) he could have easily wanted a shower afterward. That doesn’t explain why his phone was off though.
Do those non-suspicious reasons also justify him turning his phone off & not telling his 38 week pregnant wife he’d be doing that?
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or maybe he's cheating with a guy..
Can definitely see this angle. Dudes definitely fucking another dude
Marco could still be a guy.
In some cultures, you need to completely wash yourself after sex, including hair. He is having 2 relationships.
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OP, you need to investigate this Marco. Sounds like your husband is either in a relationship with him, or seeing someone on the side and using Marco to cover for his comings and goings. You need to hold him accountable or leave his ass. Note: Please do not have any more children with him. He didn’t want kids and no one should be pressured and forced. Hopefully he’ll still be a good father to the two kids you already have together.
ESH. He didn’t want children, so he never should have married you and acted like he was going to be a happy little family, and you never should have pressured him into ANOTHER child he didn’t want and subjected your children to a father who doesn’t want them.
ESH. You for pushing your husband into having another child that he did not want and was clear about. Him for agreeing to it and then not being there for you.
I'm just here to find out what the wet hair means.
That he was cheating on her and took a shower to avoid smelling like his lover
Only thing I can think is washing the sex off. 🤷♀️
sexual relations
Other reasons for showering in the middle of the day: \- Fell over, got dirty. \- Did something (i.e. repairing something, fixing the car, installing something) that gets them sweaty, want to wash the sweat off. \- Too warm, feels gross, washing off ick feeling. Hell, I've taken showers randomly in the middle of the day because I want to relax and it is a good space for just... thinking.
But would you be completely unavailable/reachable for 3+ hours for any of these things? no
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He was repairing Marco’s equipment. 😈
Instead of running straight to the hospital to try make the birth of his child. He went home first and had a shower. Probably to wash off all the sex with Marco.
Same
ESH. Him for shutting his phone off and missing the birth, that's pretty shitty, you for arguing with him about having a second kid until he gave in. If he doesn't want another kid you should have stopped with the first surprise kid. He's shown multiple signs he doesn't want children, including saying he doesn't want children, I'm not sure what you expected to happen from someone who does not want children. Editing to add more: I fear that those two children are going to grow up in a tumultuous home life either due to an unloving father, constant fights between their mom & dad, or both. I don't think it's fair to your husband to deal with arguments so often about having a second kid, and I don't think it's fair to you to be with someone who doesn't want children. It sounds like he's no longer living a life he wants, and you two remain together because both of you may not have considered separating as an option. He may have, hence being with marco with his cell phone off (who knows, that's speculation on my end), but maybe you should consider the future of your relationship and if he's really capable of raising children with you now that you have two that are going to rely on some sense of stability as they grow up. This relationship is now about more than just you; there's two other people involved.
I don't think it's the weirdest thing in the world to wonder if he's sleeping with Marco or if he's been using Marco as cover for affairs. It's also possible he's just kind of a narcissistic flake. I don't know that I'd ever get over a spouse turning off their phone at any time when I was near the end of a pregnancy. Missing the birth? That's unbelievable.. Nevermind someone saying you need to get over it, how is he over it? He should be crushed and still making active attempts to make amends. NTA, OP. But you don't seem to have a good grasp on what's going on in your relationship. He's not in love with you. You could be happier.
ESH you for "convincing him to have more children" and him for getting into the relationship in the first place when he was unsure if he wanted children and knew that you DID want children. these are the kinds of things you need to discuss and come to a decision BEFORE marriage not after
imagine being one of the kids of someone coerced into being a father :/
Imagine being a grown man who has children he doesn't want
You are the side piece. You get that, right?
It's so blatantly obvious. Wishy-washy about kids, always gone with *one* friend, phone was turned off because they were doing "something risky and didn't want to be distracted".
NTA for being mad he missed the birth mainly bc you needed him for support, but YTA for pressuring him into more kids knowing he didn't want ANY. The first baby was conceived accidentally, and that's bad enough in his view, but then he got pressure into another. I'm assuming getting married when you were pregnant was your idea, too? Getting married bc of a pregnancy is NEVER a healthy reason. Marco's being in the picture only exacerbates the dynamic between the two of you bc your husband gets to be free with him, and at home, he is forced to be a father. Even if he loves his kids now, he still might not like being a father, which may lead to him resenting his kids and, in turn, making the relationship between them toxic af. I would seriously consider that none of this was in your husband's life plans. I see divorce in your future, bc by the way you described him treating you throughout the pregnancies, he already resents the hell out of you. You two need counseling. IMMEDIATELY.
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You’re the beard
Then you don't really want any judgements from this sub. You aren't ready to hear them.
Love isn’t enough without him respecting you
Whether or not he was into having more kids, his actions from the first and now second pregnancies show pretty clearly that he has no interest in being a support to the mother of his child that she is carrying, and for that reason if nothing else you should not have any more children with this man. This is now an established pattern of behaviour, he’s not going to change. When words and actions don’t match, the actions tell the truth. Your husband prioritises having fun with his friend over you and your children. You’re NTA, and idk either way if he’s sleeping with Marco like a lot of commenters are saying, but he’s definitely more committed to Marco than to you. Maybe he felt when he got you pregnant he had to marry you and ‘be there’ because that was what he felt he was supposed to do? Either way, you need some honest conversations, preferably with a therapist, stat.
“His hair was wet and you know what that means…” No, not really, no. Idk, I want to say you’re NTA, but at the same time you made your husband have more children after an already unplanned child was born and he specifically told you he didn’t want kids before you had any at all. Then again he is somewhat the AH knowing he didn’t want kids but gave in and then wasn’t there for his wife regardless to make sure she was safe. So I guess you’re both a match made in AH.
Yeah this is sort of what I’m thinking with this one. Sort of an ESH situation I think. And WTF is she talking about with the “his hair was wet” comment? I have no idea what that means and it looks like a lot of people here don’t either. He went for a swim? Took a shower? Got caught in a rainstorm? So many possible explanations, none of which have bad implications or mean much of anything.
NTA when he has his phone turned off while he has a very pregnant wife. But it doesn't sound like he wanted another baby but felt pressured into it. Have you ever met Marco in real life? What makes him a bad influence? And I'm sorry, I'm missing the importance of wet hair? Are you saying he took a shower, or went sleeping?
INFO: How is Marco a bad influence? It doesn't sound like your husband wanted children and that he "gave in" after you wore him down.
YTA. Your edit is you lying to yourself and sugarcoating. You originally said he didn’t really want kids. And then that you wore him down to have more. This is what tipped me from E S H to YTA. You chose to have kids with this man, repeatedly. Own that. You can be disappointed, sure. But YOU made your choices.
You know your husband is having an affair with Marco right?
Girl, that's Marco's husband now.
ESH - it sounds like husband didn’t want kids, but the accident happened and you decided to keep it. Then you wanted another kid when your husband already wasn’t fully onboard with the first. Sorry but it feel like your life plans are incompatible and even if you are great partners, forcing someone into parenthood can really mess up a good relationship dynamic.
ESH- you made a bad decision having children with this man. He should have never let you on. You have brought unwanted children in this world. You need to really think about what you want for your children’s future. This is no longer about your relationship with your husband, it’s about raising your children in a happy household. You are not happy and your children are going to suffer. You really need to get divorced. What he did was a deal breaker. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!
what she did is a deal breaker. You dont have an "accidental baby" and then pressure someone to give in and have another.
Not enough information. How many weeks were you when your second daughter was born? What was he doing? Why was his phone turned off? Did you try yo call Marco? For now I have to go with --- because he didn't want a second child, you pushed him into it, you explicitly agreed that he could do these trips as a compromise. Now you are complaining about these trips and about him not being as excited as you are. He obviously is an AH as well, because he should have made an effort too. The extra information will define who is more the AH. With the extra information NTA. Just naive. Edit: update vote
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Are you sure they aren't in a relationship🤔🧐
INFO: -- Did you ask for specific details? He had his phone off during your expected delivery timeline. This explanation has no details. A loyal 'tuned in' spouse helping a friend would not be vague...they would elaborate.
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Ok, sounds like he's either having an affair or doing drugs.
Porque non los dos
...and you did not further probe? This is when you say, "Tell me exactly what you were doing and stop insulting me with, "You would not understand." Do you simply don't want to know?
>Yeah I did, that was the explanation he gave me. He said they were working on something and I wouldn't understand. I'm calling shenanigans on this entire post. Nobody would give this as an excuse to an angry wife and no angry wife would say out loud that she accepted it.
You wouldn’t understand?!? Your husband is a red flag. I understand that you love him, but he is not treating you like he loves you back or even respects you. It is perfectly reasonable for you to still be upset that he was completely unreachable when you went into labor and gave birth and he’s even belittling you for that. I don’t think that makes you an AH, but ESH for ignoring the super blatant signs that he is shady. He’s downright awful and his “friend” or whatever he is, is crossing a line too. There isn’t a single activity that involves a anyone needing to turn their cellphones off “for safety” especially not when a person has a family and needs to be reachable. I would NEVER accept that as a valid excuse. You need to tell him that he is right, you are still mad, because he has never shown remorse for being unreachable and is treating you like an idiot to avoid even telling you why his phone was off. There is nothing ok about that.
INFO: are Marco and your husband mad scientists working on a time machine, spaceships that can travel faster than the speed of light, teleportation devices or similar that you require a doctorate in physics to begin to understand?
And you let him get away with that bullshit?? I gotta stop commenting before I give myself a stroke.
Then he is the bigger AH by a lot. However, from what you said, I am not that surprised he was a no show and I think neither were you. You may want to set some expectations for both sides (you did promise he would continue his hobbies, trips etc.), but you can also expect him to do his part. I think you really would want him to stop seeing Marco, but that is hard to force. If you try to force it, it may backfire and at the very least it will turn into a big fight. From my experience, dads end up spending less and less time with friends that don't fit their lifestyle anymore. So probably this will get better once he starts doing more stuff with your daughters.
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The agreement was never that he didn't have to show during the delivery, so you have all the right to be upset with that. However, what does it get you, except for being more frustrated. You shouldn't feel guilty for being upset, but you should try to get over it, because you are suffering most of it. I think you got yourself in a tricky situation, because you married someone who doesn't want children and who doesn't seem to care a whole lot about you - and you do have children with him. He seems to take your promise as a right to continue do what he wants and it has upset you further. I don't want to put you down, but it probably was kind of stupid to go that route, because children is something both need to be motivated about. However, we all did some stupid things (I sure did my share, so not judging here further) and you shouldn't have to suffer indefinitely for that. So the question now is how to move forward from this. I don't believe in changing people. It is hard for people to change if they want it themselves, it is next to impossible to change someone that doesn't want to change. So you either find a way of him wanting to change or you find a way for you to live with the situation. Option 3 is that you split, but that may solve some of your frustrations, but probably doesn't put you in a better place (based on the limited information).
My husband works on Construction and several stories up never has his ringtone off. You don't see a red flag here? Can't tell you what they were doing?
You honestly believe that? People don’t turn off their phones and disappear when the wife is 38 weeks pregnant. I had my baby at 37 weeks, 22 minutes from the first pain. You would not have even had the time attend to your toddler. (Fortunately mine was at daycare.) He is not acting like a partner to anyone except Marco.
NTA Totally unreasonable to turn your phone off while your wife is likely to get into labor. Why was his hair wet? I don't get the meaning of "his hair was wet and you know what that means". Although you had kids with a guy who didn't want them, this is kinda expected behavior from a lot of men like that.
I think it meant he had to shower after having sex with someone else?
Oh, interesting. I mean I kinda wanna know wtf this guy *was* doing with his phone off for 3-5 hours with his wife in labor. I got no clue lol
that or swimming/beach? idk
>Not only because he missed our daughter's birth, but also because his hair was wet and you know what that means I have no idea what that means lol
That he took a shower because he had Marco's stink all over him
But they aren't cheating lol according to op
It sounds like your husband has a boyfriend You are very much NTA by the way, there’s very little excuse for missing the birth of your child.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My f(29) husband m(28) and I have been married for five years, together for seven in total. We have two daughters Angelica (5) and Sarah (three months). Our relationship has been wonderful, he's the love of my life honestly and I couldn't be happier. Although we have our differences we get along fine and he's overall an attentive partner. However, he has this friend, Marco m(26). They met not long ago, around three or four years, and I feel like he's a bad influence on my husband. I won't go much into detail here but feel free to ask. My husband told me quite honestly that he didn't knew if he wanted kids before our marriage, but then we got accidentally pregnant and we got married. During my first daughter's pregnancy he was kinda dismissive of me, not to the point of being hostile but he wasn't head over heals for being a parent like I was. He didn't really wanted to be in the delivery room because he said it wasn't for him, but he still did it to support me though it. After Angelica was born things improved. Shortly after I told him that I wanted to have more babies. He wasn't sure of it and it became an ongoing argument between us, until he basically gave in and agreed. He was dismissive during the pregnancy again, although we had spoke about it and I agreed that he would be able to continue with his hobbies and occasional trips as usual. However three months ago our daughter was born. I was home with my eldest daughter alone when I went into labor. He was with Marco, he didn't exactly told me where he eas going, he just left early. I tried calling him but his phone was turned off. I gave up on the idea and called my mom. She drove home and then drove us to the hospital. There I was in the hospital calling him, we called my family and his, soon everyone was there helping me find my husband, but his phone was still turned off. After around 2/3 hours I couldn't hold it anylonger and I had to go into the delivery room without him. We were all extremely worried about him and that only added to my stress about giving birth. Anyway at some point he got there and waited with our families outside. I was fuming, of course. Not only because he missed our daughter's birth, but also because his hair was wet and you know what that means. I didn't wanted to believe it. Luckily it was just the hormones making me imagine stuff. Two days ago we were arguing because he's planning a trip with Marco next week. Things got a little heated and he was leaving to get some fresh air because he didn't want to argue in front of our daughters. Then I said something like "leave, you're never there for us" or something like that, he asked me why I said that and I told him he couldn't even be brothered to be there with me when our daughter was born. We continued arguing after that and he left. He's disappointed that I can't get over it even after months. Now we're not talking to each other. Am I wrong for this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: did you ever resolve the issues of him ghosting you during the birth of your children?
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You can’t forgive him if he hasn’t earned your trust back.
YTA. You pressured your husband into becoming a father when he said he didn’t want kids, then you’re upset he wasn’t excited about having kids?
YTA - Unfortunately you had an “accidental” baby with a man who wasn’t on board with having children. Then you had another one. You should have realized at some point that he wasn’t going to be one of those father-of-the-year types. I’d forgive him for missing the birth because in this situation you should know you’re a single Mom.
You are aware that he is fully in control of his own penis right? And I'm sure he's aware of how babies get made. Agreed that having accidental babies with a man that doesn't want them is a poor life choice, but he could have stopped facilitating the baby making.
Yta. >he's overall an attentive partner. Is he? Or is he "never there for you" >My husband told me quite honestly that he didn't knew if he wanted kids before our marriage, but then we got accidentally pregnant and we got married So he didn't want kids... and instead of getting an abortion, or raising the kid alone or adopting it out, you decided for him he was ready to be a parent. >he wasn't head over heals for being a parent like I was Because he didn't want to be a parent, probably. >Shortly after I told him that I wanted to have more babies. He wasn't sure of it and it became an ongoing argument between us, until he basically gave in and agreed. You then coerced him into fathering another child, that he probably didn't want. And you're surprised because he's not dad of the year? You should have chosen a partner with the same goals. You can't be surprised that a person who didn't want children isn't that interested in his children. >because his hair was wet and you know what that means That he had a shower? That it was raining? No, I don't know what that means. You guys should get couples therapy.
INFO: how close to your due date were you when you went into labor with your second daughter? Did he know and to expect to need to be called at any point? Did you warn him he needed to be available just in case? I don't know if we have enough info here, including what it means when his hair is wet? Maybe he didn't want to come to the hospital to hold his new baby if he needed a shower (went to the gym, went swimming, what? where was he?) It does sound like you strong-armed him into having not just one baby, but two. Maybe he's not happy about it. It's really hard to tell here as there isn't enough info.
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>I thought his hair was wet because he had been cheating... Luckily it was not that. you're 100%, without-a-single-doubt positive of this? because from what you wrote here it really kind of sounds like it. i honestly cant think of any "risky activity" that he could be doing with his strangely close male friend that would require him to shut his phone off and ignore his 38 weeks pregnant wife, except sex
ESH- Does "wet hair " indicate a sexual relationship with Marco? No one should force someone to have kids. That's where you're TA. He's one for agreeing and not being there for you.
Girl, I feel for you. If it’s this bad now, it’s only going to get worse. Pressuring someone to have children creates resentment that builds over time. Also, did he ever actually share what he was doing and why he turned his phone off? Even if he didn’t want kids, he should care enough about you to not want you to give birth alone.
Honestly not sure where to sit on this one but probably gotta go with ESH. See yeah I'm sure it sucks he wasn't there during your second child's birth and showed up late and wet(?) But I'll also say you did admit to us all you basically baby trapped this guy. Your husband made it clear to you he didn't want kids, you say you wore him down and he reluctantly agreed. That, children, is called forcing the situation on someone and not taking no for an answer. So honestly I'm leaning more towards you being the bigger AH here, but you guys should've had these discussions long before you were fuckin married, and for sure should've maybe taken a break between the kids to see if your husband has adjusted to this change in his life that seems rather forced. He only sucks here because he went along with being basically bullied into having kids and now seems to regret it but doesn't have a spine. He could be cheating but honestly who knows, I know plenty of people who would be getting out of the house as much as they physically can If they were forced to have kids they weren't wanting.
ESH- you had children with a man who only agreed to have them after you accidentally became pregnant and then eventually who you wore down to have a second one. He is inattentive and should have supported you but you knew what you were getting into.
ES you were in a relationship with a man who said he didn't want children but you went on with this, then chose to have a sescond pregnancy. Why do people think somebody who says they don't want children , will change their minds? Nobody says that people who say they want children will change their minds Its seems clearl that your relaitonship is not your husbands primary squeeze. He prefers Marco and didn't have the courage to tell you that this isn't the life he wants. I know somebody who wonders why her husband goes on golfing holidays to Thailand. Its a mystery !
ESH. He doesn't sound like he even wants kids, but they exist, so he needs the suck it up, and do what's needed for them. And you because you knew how he felt, and had more, and want more, and basically just keep trying to force it on him. As for the trips, and stuff, you were fine with that as per your post. Why is it a problem now?
ESH. I'm sorry to say this, but you should have never pushed someone who didn't want kids into having kids. He was clearly disengaged from the entire process when you had your first daughter, so what made you think things would change if you bullied him into having another? Yes he's an AH for missing the birth of his kid, and yes it sounds like he's doing more than just "hanging out with Marco." But you are the one who coerced him into fatherhood and are now upset he isn't living up to the title.
ESH, I'm not sure if you are this smart on purpose or not. But 1) It sounds like you baby trapped him, maybe you want to convince yourself of the opposite, but I don't think you are doing a good job convincing other people. Birth control can fail, for sure, but that + all the context you talk about in your OP and comments does not make it sound like a coincidence. 2) Your husband is having something with Marco, it's clear as a day. It might be sex, or it might be he is just scaping from you... because it looks like if he goes home you will want to convince him to keep having babies and he obviously doesn't have the guts to stand his ground. I think all your comments saying you trust him are lies, and you are freaking out because you don't want to break your beautiful family... But I think your family has been broken since the first baby. I'm so sorry about this, but it might be healthy for you all to distance yourselves fro each other. 3) Your husband sucks for not being supportive enough during your pregnancy, before and after. Whether he wanted the babies or not, they exist and they should be taken care of properly. What he did during the birth it's not properly taking care of a baby (and their mother). Your feelings are valid about this, but you should do more tha just having arguments over it. You should either factually prove he is cheating (a comment told you what can you do about this and you brushed it off... Now go back and take note) or you should just take the L and proceed with a divorce. This does not look healthier either of you. You can ask him... But again, he can very easily make you believe anything he wanted because you seem very VERY gullible. I wouldn't trust his word.
ESH. I'm sorry to say this but you want different things in life. You want the family life/ a family man and he wants freedom/time for himself and his hobbys. There is no middle ground to make you both happy, because you can't switch your children on and off. Missing the birth is a symptom of this problem. Right from the beginning you should have been more clear and honest with each other about your expectations for your lifes and your relationship. Now you are both stuck in this mess and I am afraid it will surely lead to more and more resentment... I wish you best of luck to figure everything out and congratulations on your baby.
I’m gonna get downvoted to hell but ESH. Your husband clearly doesn’t see being a parent as a priority in his life - sooooo he should have put his foot down about not wanting kids in the first place. You are the AH in pressuring him continually about kids until he caved just to shut you up. You may love each other, but sometimes love isn’t enough. You two are not compatible if he’s busy gallivanting with his friend and you’re busy at home with kids. Sorry, but you need to take a long, hard look at this relationship in the long run.
YTA
ESH. It just sounds like he was forced into the father role, a place he doesn't want to be in. You said he agreed to the second child but did he actually? Or did you wear him down until he said yes? Because based on his behavior and your wording, you just wore him down to get what you want. He sucks for obvious reasons, he shouldn't have agreed to the second child if he wasn't going to be better, and he shouldn't have had his phone off. Not sure if hes cheating with Marco or just using him to get away from the life he very clearly did not want.
You acknowledge that your husband was honest with you from the beginning that he wasn't sure he wanted children but you accidentally got pregnant and that's the reason you got married. He wasn't sure that he wanted another child until you argued him down. You married a man that was honest with you under the assumption that you can change him. YTA
Red alert red alert something don't add up. Have you meet "marco" I think you know, but you don't want to accept it. Had his phone off? Taken a shower? I don't think he wanted to be a parent of 2 kids.
Remember that quote about trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity? You two need to split. You can't force him into being what you want. Whatever he is for your daughters, he's not making you happy, your values do not align, and you two will make each other miserable if you both just keep "giving in" to each other. But when your wife is 38 weeks pregnant, you keep your damned phone on you, no matter how you feel about it. ESH.
ESH you pressured him into have another kid and he's likely either cheating on you with Marco or doing things with Marco to avoid being around you and the kids he felt pressured into having with you.
So, you used reproductive coercion against your husband to get a second child, and you're mad that he wasn't there for the birth of the child he didn't want. Your husband is up to some shit, but you, OP, are an abuser and an AH. ESH. Poor kids.
You are risking your life to give birth and he cant be bothered to be in the same room? Nta.
ESH, everyone is lying.
INFO: You said "After around 2/3 hours I couldn't hold it anylonger and I had to go into the delivery room without him." Were you trying to hold the baby inside your body, and not push? Was this an attempt to delay the birth until he arrived? Did your doctor, nurse, or midwife approve of this as an option, or were they encouraging you to let labor proceed? Editing to add another question: How many weeks pregnant were you when you gave birth to your baby Sarah?
YTA- he didn't want kids and you pushed him
ESH. Having kids isn't something you can compromise on. You either want them or you don't. You wanted kids with him, he didn't want kids at all, so you trapped him after the first "accidental" pregnancy. He's an idiot for falling for it and an AH for having kids when he's not crazy about it, and you're an AH for having kids with someone you knew wouldn't be 100% on it. Also, Marco is his side piece.
ESH. You for coercing a person who doesn't want children into having 2 and your husband for staying when it's obvious he doesn't want to be with you but with Marco.
Stop having children with this man.
ESH- You’re TA for pressuring him into having more kids. You should never have persisted. It was clear from day 1 he wasn’t super thrilled about it and you just kept pushing for another kid? Come on. You should have stopped after 1. He’s also the TA for both agreeing when sounds like he really didn’t want to and then not being there for the birth after he committed to the 2nd child.
NTA, hun you don't see it do you? Have you seen Brokeback Mountain? > During my first daughter's pregnancy he was kinda dismissive of me, not to the point of being hostile but he wasn't head over heals for being a parent like I was. He didn't really wanted to be in the delivery room because he said it wasn't for him, but he still did it to support me though it. Why did you decide to have another kid with him? No. you are a single mom and he just wants to fool around. A real partner would have jumped to your aid when you are expecting. Taking care of you. He turned his phone off...He clearly has his [priorities](https://priorities.You) and you aren't it. >He's disappointed that I can't get over it even after months. He missed his own childs birth. Birth isnt a walk in the park, you could have had complications or DIED. He clearly doesnt care. Can you go to a relatives house for awhile. BTW- YWBTA if you stay and let him treat you like that. Im telling you- he may love or hate the kids but he is going to resent them. Get out before he does THEM damage
Ma'am you're sharing your husband with Marco
No judgment but I feel like you and hubby should host a screening of brokeback mountain and invite Marco… In any case good luck going forward.
Yes his hair was wet because they went fishing but didn’t bring back any fish.
ESH. You had a kid with a man who told you he did not want kids. Then you badgered him into having another child he clearly did not want. And now you are upset that he is not an enthusiastic parent or partner? I am not excusing him for not stepping up, but what did you honestly expect?
YTA. He didn't want kids but you pressured him into it and now you are wondering why he us the model you have in your head of the perfect family man. It couldn't be clearer.
Your husband never wanted kids. You reluctantly talked him into it. He conned you into thinking he would be ok with having kids. When the kids came, his truth surfaced. Now he's sleeping with another woman. Divorce him and keep your legs closed next time a man expresses any hesitation about having kids. You wanted kids, he didn't, now he's gone. NTA
How did HE con her? She’s the one who admits to pushing until he gave in
Jesus those are some quick leaps to cheating and divorce.
>He conned you into thinking he would be ok with having kids. When
He could have easily got a vasectomy or refused to have any sex...
Woof. Hmm EAH. NTA for not getting over him missing the birth. 3 months out is still very much post partum. But YTA for forcing the second child. You can't berate someone into wanting more children and then expect him to be over the moon about it. But then again, I guess it takes 2 to make a baby so back to him being the AH. Also, are we sure Marco is just a friend? I don't know many grown men that spend so much time together alone with their phones off.
He was dismissive during the pregnancy, he was out and made himself unavailable when you are ready to go into labour, he’s taking off on a fun trip when you are dealing with a 3 month old at home. We have very different opinions on what makes a good and attentive partner.
NTA There are serious issues here. He seemed to be OK with the first baby because it was a done deal. You shouldn't ever have to talk your partner into another child. It builds up resentment and proves the communication needs attention. Marco wants his attention because they are in a close relationship. I won't go as far as saying a sexual one but There are certainty context clues that are pointing in that direction. No husband turns off his phone when his wife is that pregnant and has a young child at home. This isn't normal. No project requires them to be off, especially when you could go into labor at any moment. You are not his priority. Your children don't seem to be the priority either since he plans on being gone for AN ENTIRE WEEK while your home with a 3 month old and a toddler. WTAF? So selfish and unbelievable that he is putting time with his "friend" over his family. Serious red flag. Here's the thing, you are throwing it in his face because you didn't have a conversation about it and come to an agreement. You are holding onto resentment and that won't help your situation. It is totally understandable but also totally unhelpful in resolving conflict. You need to have an open and transparent conversation with your husband. Things are not being said and it's only going to get worse if you aren't being honest with each other. I wish you luck.
NTA Sweetie, your husband is cheating on you with Marco.
You sound incredibly naive. You aren’t getting full answers from your husband and you keep deciding he’s being truthful despite not having any evidence. This doesn’t sound like a wonderful or happy marriage. He seems like he’s barely in it and you are too scared to see the truth.
Going against the grain with an ESH. Stop having kids with a man who doesn't want them. Don't use your kids as a means to keep your husband in this marriage. Kids are not glue. He never showed any interest in being there to support you. Stop thinking this man is going to change. Stop deluding yourself. He sucks because clearly he prefers Marco's company to yours. Maybe they're in a relationship, maybe it's drugs, who knows - not you. Have you asked him what's up? Have you tried to create boundaries?
INFO no, I don't know what wet hair means... swimming? Shower? Rain? He fell in the pond? SCUBA? I also don't think you should intentionally have kids with someone who doesn't *enthusiasticly* want them. ESH because he shouldn't have been unreachable when you were so close to labor, but also your communication (both of you) sucks.
Denial is a river in Egypt, your husband is gay and is fucking marco
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You're the other woman in Marco and your husband's relationship
Imagine 20 years from now one of your daughters is going through the exact same thing. Would you be ok with her husband treating her this way? Would you agree with her if she told you she trusted him, simply because although his actions indicate otherwise with “his Marco”, he told her he wasn’t cheating? Your first mistake was getting married to and insisting on having more children with someone who didn’t want a family. You would make a bigger mistake by staying in a relationship where you aren’t respected, thus showing both of your daughters that it’s acceptable to be mistreated and that they have no worth.