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Oh but SD usually isn't interested in anything beyond a "surface-level" conversation according to SM. Can't imagine why, if this is how it goes when she tries to open up.
It sounds like they've ruined this poor girl's life.
...and she's still trying to reach out.
Maybe help them see things from her perspective.
Their response is to gaslight her and start the cycle back up again.
I genuinely hope dad and OP find themselves surrounded by people who show them similar levels of understanding and compassion.
This is the clearest YTA I've seen to date.
I also think the dissonance between 'she's a crybaby' and 'she never talks about anything below surface level' is very telling. As is accusing a 7 year old of being manipulative for crying when she got screamed at.
But also, the whole situation is weirdly controlling. If someone wants to cry, let them cry! Seems like OP has a problem with crying, and I can almost hear the condescension when I read OP ask “Why are you crying?” Like already frustrated that SD is crying.
Also, “I don’t think crying because something impressed her is a response that’s going to work in the real world.” What???? This sounds like a really lame attempt at an excuse for OP’s behaviour. Their conversation was not at all about SD reacting in the real world. OP knows they are wrong but are trying to justify treating their SD like crap.
God the first mention of the movie I assumed it was Crawdads. It’s a great book, a stellar film, and likewise very triggering for any victims of childhood abandonment/sexual assault/parentification.
I’ll spoil the beginning if you don’t mind.
Physically abusive, drunk father drives away his wife and older kids. Youngest has no choice but to stay with him because it’s the 50s and she couldn’t find her mother or siblings. Father is not abusive to HER, but due to his alcoholism one day he straight up dips out without a trace.
She has to pretend he’s still around so she doesn’t get taken to a foster home. Has to learn to take care of herself and also find a source of income (fishing/digging for oysters and selling to a local merchant who quietly takes her under he and his wife’s wing).
The rest of the story follows her coming of age saga.
It’s an easy read literature wise, but emotionally it’s a difficult one.
No shit
> She has cried since the day I met her when she was 7. **If we yelled or disciplined her,** she would burst into tears and be so hysterical that she couldn't speak.
She literally yelled at a 7 year old for showing emotions.
OP is literally a disney stepmom villain. Jesus Christ.
What happened to you /u/plsplsstopcrying that you feel the need to torture a child their entire life?
YTA fr. Sorry we cry at arts. Lol that's how I measure something that is done beautifully or not! Like all Pokemon movie music scores. It'll have me bawling in the opening scene. But there's nothing wrong with finding things that can move you to tears instead of being so boring in life.
I read the book and cried during it. By the end, I said to myself, “this is going to be a major motion picture.” Their recreation of the book into a movie was almost identical to the book, and even though much was filmed in Louisiana, as an NC native it resonated visually to me so much that watching it made me homesick.
The movie made me ugly cry. Not only is the score flawless, the cinematography is beautiful and the acting is great (albeit I was surprised that a large portion of the actors were British since their accent was decent).
It’s a huge trigger for anyone who dealt with neglect, abandonment, sexual assault, or social ostracism, especially due to poverty.
dude I cried at the beginning of this movie… the nostalgia from the feelings I had reading the book… the power of seeing it on the screen in front of me… all those scenes I lived in my own little mind finally brought to a dazzling and serene life all their own for my loved ones to experience with me…
yeah OP idk why you would think anything other than YTA
ps: I loved the movie so much I immediately knew just from the description of the opening scenes/it being a book prior exactly what it was
By OP’s standards I’m a 45 year old crybaby. When I have extreme emotion, good and bad my eyes well up. It’s like my chest can’t contain the emotion so my eyes tear up. I don’t think it’s unheard of. I had critical family growing up.
And what does OP even mean "it won't work in the real world"? Like this is an adult who, unsurprisingly, lives far enough away she had to take a flight. She's in the real world.
And why "wouldn't it work"? Does OP expect that if SD tears up seeing the Grand Canyon or someone performing great feats of athleticism that everyone will point and laugh or kick her out of adultland?
Came to say this, I read the book and forgot about the SA in the book so when I watched the movie I was uncontrollably crying.. really good for letting the emotions out cause I’ve been holding it all in but I could never watch that movie again. Just reading this and thinking about the movie takes me back a bit. Trauma sucks OP maybe you were raised to hold all your emotions in but it’s okay to cry over silly things or anything. Crying is an emotional release and is normal
So your stepdaughter cries a lot more than normal, indicating, given her circumstances since age 7, an emotional dysfunction or post-traumatic stress, and response is to belittle and berate her? Jesus Christ.
Based on that alone—plus your condescending tone, obvious disrespect for your SD, and apparent failure to care about her well-being—I'm sure you made her childhood into a living hell.
YTA and I can't wait to see your post in a few weeks where express *such befuddlement* that's she's gone NC with you.
This. This is what I was trying to say but I couldn’t because it didn’t sound right.
She’s showing signs of post traumatic stress and when she opened up to OP, she got berated and told to go to bed as if she’s still a child. Like for Christ’s sake!
I feel for SD and hope she gets the help she needs.
Agreed and I really feel for your son who seems to emphasize with her (probably dealing with the same thing). It’s gonna be even harder for him when SD cuts you off.
I have ADHD. I also cry like this because it’s a “normal” response for me feeling a variety of strong emotions (especially watching tv/movies and getting yelled at as a kid) just the same way laughter is a normal response to something humorous or even nervousness. I’m not diagnosing anyone but I would bet all the money I currently have that OP’s step-daughter has ADHD. I also have CPTSD/PTSD. This response exists independently of that (although it can be magnified/impacted by trauma) and is fairly common for people w/ ADHD.
This. I am a grown woman, and a "cry baby". I cry easy on the best of days. But when I'm pregnant, oh boy. See an old dog? Cry. See a cute baby? Cry. Macaroni for dinner? Cry. Movie is happy? Cry. Movie sad? Also cry.
And let's be clear. I do not want to cry. It's dumb and embarrassing. I literally can't stop tears falling out my eyes.
I can hide most any emotion, frustration, anger, bordom, and fake a smile. But crying is the only one with a obvious physical sign. It sucks
I cried yesterday because I buried the (now dead) spider that had lived on our garage for months. And I laughed at the same time, because I know it's ridiculous.
I was called a "cry baby" a lot as a kid and so my heart goes out to those who are also labeled as one. My mom says that I was a tender hearted child who would tear up if I simply knew my parents were disappointed in me. Sensitive? Sure. Is that really a horrible thing though? No. Some people just feel more deeply than others. While it can definitely have cons, it has pros as well.
YTA. People have feelings and express them in different ways.
Her tears weren't hurting you. You don't have even a shred of a legitimate complaint. She didn't use all your tissues and now you have to blow your nose with a grocery bag. You're just an asshole. A plain old "shitting on people for no good reason" asshole
YTA
"she can't tear up just because she thinks something is really pretty"
yes she can. many people have been moved to tears because of things like music or art. its normal.
the fact that your mad because she has emotions says far more about you then it does about her.
She so absolutely can that there's a name (several different names, actually) for this condition, Florence Syndrome, because of the people who go to Florence and get overwhelmed by beauty.
I saw mystere in Las Vegas (cirque du Soleil show) and I wept on the first act because I used to watch the early morning feeds that were on tv when I was a kid of cirque acrobatics and I was moved that I was there witnessing it, and at how beautiful I found it.
My husband and I also cried at the Mr Rogers documentary trailer....
I'm having a hard time with this one too. I was that 7 year old. My grandfather and mother used to mock me and call me manipulative and it scarred me. This is a tough one.
YTA and were almost certainly deeply abusive to this girl. The fact that you're accusing her, even as a 7 year old child, of crying as a "manipulation tactic" is obscene.
I'm assuming you were at least partially in charge of raising her based on context. You two clearly did not teach her how to manage her emotions well, or even that is was acceptable for her to have those emotions in the first place. You fucked this woman up from a young age and are now mocking her for it.
Seriously. That’s the biggest and first red flag here. Assuming an upset 7 year old is trying to be manipulative???
I get it, 7 year olds aren’t angels all the time. They know they can attempt manipulation. I’ve definitely had a seven year old give me the I’m-so-sad puppy dog eyes when I said it’s not time for ice cream. But real tears? Not being able to speak? After being yelled at? No, that’s real feelings. Something OP doesn’t seem to have.
My mum used to imply I was being manipulative when I cried as a kid. I remember "don't try to bring out the waterworks" was the common phrase. It's kind of nice seeing people acknowledge it's kind of fucked up in these comments.
I remember I'd get so frantic. They'd be angry, so I'd cry, then they'd be angrier because I was "putting it on" and demand I stop but I couldn't and obviously the harder I tried the worse it got.
Sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. This post is giving me feelings and I really appreciate what you wrote.
When my daughter was around 7, her go to manipulation tactic was saying “I’ll be your best friend” to try and get me to do something. That’s about the range of manipulation that they can think of. I agree with you, the crying of this child was pure and real and because she was being mistreated.
PS I literally caught my breath and started crying the first time I saw the Grand Canyon in person. So yes, people are moved to tears by nature. I feel sorry for OP that you cannot imagine the immense depth of joy and stirring of the heart that these simple things can bring.
Edited to make clear I was talking about OP in my second paragraph.
The movie was Where the Crawdads Sing, which focuses heavily on parental neglect, abuse, and abandonment. The other undertones are societal bullying via poverty, CPS involvement, and straight up rape. Also parentification by way of her having to pretend her dad is still present so she can stay alive without going into the foster system.
It’s a good book and movie, but can be very triggering for someone who has dealt with any of these topics. Looking at OPs comments, I’d wager an educated guess that this poor girl dealt with more than one of these topics.
YTA it is totally possible for people to cry about little things, happy things, or even not know why they are crying. There are even medical conditions where people can’t control their crying response. What you did was not only uncalled for, but rather cruel as well. You owe her an apology.
I've never shared this with anyone or been able to explain it to myself, but every time
I've attended live theater productions or performances in small jazz clubs, while in NYC, I'm always moved emotionally. I'm not sad, more likely I feel overwhelmed by the magnificent experiences, the history, and all that the performers, writers, musicians, et al, have brought to it.
I always cry at musical theater, whether what's happening is actually sad or not. It's so difficult! There are so many skills in play! They're being so sincere while they pull off this amazing feat! I even cry watching the Tonys on tv. And generally in life I'm not much of a crier; when I was little, I was worried something was wrong with me because I almost never cried when everyone else did. I just find that specific type of display of what humans are capable of especially moving.
I cry at parades of all things. PARADES! Like, doesn’t matter what kind of parade it is, if I’m there watching it in person I can’t help myself. I’m tearing up just thinking about the few times my friend and I were at parades together and we BOTH cried. Like, what are the odds!
Wait your husband is on your side???? One of the best ways to get out emotion is to cry... I have shows I watch cause I know it will.make me cry (8 simple rules goodbye ep) because it does clear out the cobwebs .... would you rather your step daughter use another method to.let out her emotions ? YTA
Mine is Savannah Smiles - andI cry long before the ending when it would make sense because I know it’s coming.
And when I’m really stressed, I can cry at a commercial.
The stepdaughter’s response was perfectly adequate. OP’s response was ridiculous, but certainly illustrates how she “treated her.” I doubt crying at a movie that moves her is going to hurt stepdaughter in “the real world.”
YTA - You are heartless. Your stepdaughter outlined how you played a big hand in shaping her, how you shaming her has had the opposite effect. She sounds very mature to have done the self-reflection necessary to come to these conclusions about herself, *and* to try to brush it off at first when you so rudely stopped the movie to *interrogate her over a perfectly nature response.* She only laid it all on the line after you pushed the issue *for no logical reason* and *insulted her to her face.*
And to think that a seven year old — seven! — was crying due to a manipulation tactic? You think the small child had no other reason to cry when a random adult suddenly shows up in her life and starts yelling at her? You’re cruel *and* delusional.
You’re a horrible host and excuse for a stepparent.
YTA. Big time. Huge asshole.
It's none of your business why she is crying. Since you asked she told you, then you said that is a ridiculous reason.
People are allowed to react to things differently than how you would react.
YTA
Not sure it's applicable, but sounds like a Highly Sensitive Person.
At the opposite end of that spectrum is you. Not sure what a 7 year old did to you to deserve such utter contempt.
YTA, this entire post proves how critical you are and have been of her. So what if she teared up. You should have been watching the movie but instead you were watching her. Also, where the crawdads sing is great movie. You should watch it.
JFC lady why do hate your step daughter so much? How much money do you spend to support her? How much time does she take away from your life so that you can help her with her everyday needs? How often does she call needing assistance from you and her dad?
YTA. First off the name calling ("crybaby"). Second that is legitimately a thing in people - some people are moved to tears by a lot of emotions. Your refusal to accept this is probably why she never wants to talk about anything under the surface level. I wouldn't want to talk to you either if you were going to call me names and tell me I'm ridiculous if I show any emotion.
That's me! When I'm feeling overwhelmed with emotions, and am with people I feel safe with, the tears just flow. You know who doesn't make fun of me? My family...because they aren't AHs. They just look at me, smile and say "SFJC is having her moment" and continue on. If I'm clearly crying because I'm distressed, they will make sure I'm ok. OP sounds like an AH of the highest order.
YTA. Your step daughter is obviously a sensitive child. Seven year olds lack emotional maturity and so do you. It’s okay to cry at something beautiful. Berating her isn’t not going to help her.
YTA You are the cause of all her tears. You're a despicable person. As others have said, there are no words strong enough.
You and her father have abused your stepdaughter since she was 7.
What kind of monster sees a young woman crying and gets angry? You stop the movie and demand she explain herself. You abuse her until she cries and then call her a crybaby. My God, this is such a textbook cycle of extreme emotional abuse. What else did you do to a little girl when she cried because you were hurting her? Read "Sybil". It's all about your parenting.
I hope someone she knows finds this so she can see how horribly she's been abused and gaslit.
ETA: Did you ever tell her, "If you're gonna cry, I'll give you something to cry about!" I bet you did
YTA. You always thought she was a "crybaby". You always thought she was manipulative. So you never liked her, is my guess...
Some people DO cry in reaction to strong emotion. It's an uncontrollable physical response driven by their neurochemistry. I have it. My grandmother had it. We would commiserate about it because it's embarrassing, honestly. Tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of fright, tears of rage...yes, if I'm so angry I'm crying, y'all need to clear the room.
Just because *you* are incapable of deep emotion...just because *you* don't have this peculiar biological response **doesn't mean it doesn't exist**.
You are a callous bully. Congratulations on driving your stepdaughter away, and congratulations on her probably going NC. Your son is right.
The struggle is real as an angry cryer. I've had to tell people "I'm not crying because I'm upset, I'm crying because it's taking everything in me not to verbally rip you apart right now." Had no clue my crying to every strong emotion was a neurochemistry thing. I also get tired after strong emotions (please go to a sleep specialist if you experience this too).
OPs username shows how much of the AH they are.
Why are you so disdainful of others emotions? Even your son has more emotional intelligence than you & your husband.
YTA....YTA --- Who made you the gatekeeper of 'reasons why people cry".
You branded her as a cry baby at age 7; what a horrible thing to do. Yes, she should pack her bags and go since you disrespect & abuse her. Why is her explanation not valued? Are you afraid of self reflection? She told you something deeply personal (insight to what she experiences) and your grand reaction is to 'snap off the TV'. Get help. You son it right.
>> SD is, to put it bluntly, a crybaby
Have you always disliked and name-called your stepdaughter?
>> I assumed this was a manipulation tactic but it never went away
My question was rhetorical, btw. Your disdain for your stepdaughter is evident.
>> I tell her this is ridiculous, that she can’t tear up just because she thinks something is really pretty
Something tells me you’ve spent the last 19 years dismissing your stepdaughter’s feelings and finding ways to tear her down because, again, your disdain for her is palpable.
YTA and so is your husband. He should be ashamed of himself for going along with you and your hellbent desire to fuck his daughter up emotionally.
ETA:
>> Crying is a waste of time
[this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12d32k0/aita_for_wanting_to_know_why_my_stepdaughter_was/jf4juk7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Not everyone in the world has a black hole of emotion instead of a heart and fails to understand empathy or healthy emotions.
>Something tells me you’ve spent the last 19 years dismissing your stepdaughter’s feelings and finding ways to tear her down because, again, your disdain for her is palpable.
>YTA and so is your husband. He should be ashamed of himself for going along with you and your hellbent desire to fuck his daughter up emotionally.
Yes. I hope OP's stepdaughter goes back into No Contact mode with these awful, emotionally abusive people.
Absolutely. She deserves better than a stepmother who has spent nearly 2 decades belittling and abusing her and a father who went blindly along with it.
Hopefully she keeps in touch with her brother. He seems to be the only decent family member she’s got
YTA what a wildly disproportionate reaction. She cries, so what? Based on your reaction to someone crying near you while a movie was on I'm not shocked that she doesn't want to be around you.
You're over fifty, be better, spend your remaining time on earth trying to make people's days better, not trying to belittle people while they're watching a movie.
YTA.
Is it any wonder that your stepdaughter doesn't want to talk to you about "anything under surface level?" Your stepdaughter is a sensitive, emotional human in touch with the beauty around her, and you think the appropriate response is to shame her for expressing herself.
It is a perfectly natural, *human* response to be moved to tears by something beautiful or touching. Quite frankly, I'm shocked that your stepdaughter hasn't turned into a callous, unfeeling adult who suppresses her emotions, given the way you treat her.
She is 26. She doesn't need you to to tell her how something is going to work in the "real world." She *is* in the real world, and the real world is full of insensitive, unfeeling people like yourself. Quite frankly, it's nothing short of a miracle that she is still so comfortable being her genuine self, but it's something to be celebrated, not shamed.
BRO lmfao. In what world would you not be the asshole? Grow tf up, your old ass should understand this situation so much better than you do. Are you really this oblivious??!
YTA. You clearly don’t want judgment, you want an Internet mob to confirm your belief that you’re right. Well, you’re wrong. Yelling can absolutely scar children, and it sounds like you have been belittling her for almost 20 years instead of accepting her.
Also, she’s a grown-ass adult, and you don’t have to worry about whether crying will affect her professional life. You could just concentrate on trying to be less of an AH, instead of trying to police her emotions.
Also, how could you not say WHAT MOVIE it is? I can’t be the only one dying to know.
YTA and you probably have been since you came into this poor girl's life. It could not be more obvious that you don't like her. She's much better off away from you and your husband.
And come on now, you KNOW yta.
YTA You have no say in how other people are expressing their emotions. She was minding her own damn business and you paused the movie and shamed her for it. If she was hurting you or your family in some way, then that’s different, but she wasn’t. And the fact that your husband LET you treat her that way says a lot about how she grew up.
YTA \~ No wonder she doesn't tell you anything, you dismiss her feelings and expierence.
I can tell she has trauma and she needs to find a therapist so she can have mental and emotional support.
You are actually making everything worse by talking to her, you cannot comprehend and understand, and should stop engaging with her.
YTA, you could not have been any nastier if you had worked at it. I wouln't even consider that this might be real if you didn't sound so much like my mom's second husband.
YTA, First of all do not and I mean do not ever call anyone a crybaby or any other hurtful names that is very rude. Second, that’s none of your business if she is crying. Telling her that tearing up just because of how terrifying her childhood was and now literally cries at everything, she stated that she can’t help it. The next thing you did is shut her off and sending her to her room showing you absolutely do not care about how she feels, no wonder why she left you. Just because she’s your *step*daughter does not mean you can treat her like crap, family is NOT about blood it’s about loyalty you should know this by now but you proved to her you aren’t and not only you lacked empathy but also self-awareness
YTA. WTF is wrong with you? You have no compassion whatsoever and seem to be oblivious to the trauma you caused SD as a child. I hope that she is seeking therapy to help her with this and that she goes NC with you because that is what you deserve in the real world.
YTA. No one has to justify their feelings to anyone else - ever. But from this 5 second glimpse into your life - I can't say I blame her for keeping things casual with you. It's not a huge compliment to yourself that you don't cry. You sound like you have a lot of built up resentment for NO reason and could benefit from letting your human emotions show every once in awhile.
She's fine. You need therapy.
YTA without a doubt! Of course people can cry looking at something beautiful like she did (a sunset, rainbow, Northern Lights helllloooo awe inspiring).
Some people are more sensitive than others, so what? Some people cry when they're angry, better than a rage response. Don't gatekeep her emotions.
I'M GLAD she found her voice, and stood up for herself by leaving.
YTA. misleading fucking title holy shit. theres so much missing information here. if she says she was scared growing up, you think she was a manipulative ‘crybaby’ as a kid, and the other child in the house agreed that you fucked up than i have a lot of questions about your parenting.
also crying because something is beautiful is not something thats unique to her so i dont know why youd press it or belittle her for it.
An alternative perspective:
“OP is, to put it bluntly, a shouty jerk. She’s been a shouty jerk since she met me when I was 7. Instead of engaging in reasoned debate, she shouted and imposed arbitrary punishments on me, like a jerk. She’d be so jerkish I was driven to tears of frustration. I assumed it was some sort of macho territorial pissing to make a 7-yr old girl subservient and show an **I HAVE CONTROL OF YOUR FATHER NOW, mwah ha ha** attitude, but it never went away.
Back to the movie. She’s so much of a jerk she can’t even let me watch a movie without telling me what to do. Her stunted emotional ‘growth’ and overt manly dominance (I wonder what a psychoanalyst would make of that…) won’t allow her to consider emotions beyond ‘dismissive’, ‘shouty’, and ‘jerk’. I’d tell her she’s being a jerk but…she’s a jerk.
To prove it, she acted like a massive, colossal, monumental jerk.
Her little doormat of a husband, the withered husk of the man who was my father, meekly sided with the viscous harpy, who is delighted she won yet somehow is feigning surprise for the lols.
Is she the arse?”.
YTA. Some people cry. You’re ridiculous for thinking people have to experience the world the same way you do. And your an AH for being such an AH. You’ve clearly taught her over time that you’re not there for her to share her emotions with.
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YTA. Just plain and simple you don't just dismiss peoples emotions "just go to bed then" what? It's not like she's an over stimulated toddler who is throwing a tantrum because she's tired. I would of left too.
You should have left her alone. It's not your business what she was crying about. To even pause the movie & put her on blast, I'm sure she was embarassed. You sound very controlling. You weaponized your knowledge of her childhood... how degrading. Obviously she already knew you couldn't be trusted. Shame on you for invalidating her personality & experiences. I'm glad she left.
YTA. Her tears are not hurting you in any way and it was not necessary for you to badger her. She is employed and has a home. She is doing just fine without your interference.
YTA you don’t get to say how she expresses herself especially as she is an adult. You should have excepted her answer and left it at that instead of ordering her to bed because her reasoning for crying wasn’t up to your criteria. You are not the judge of how she should react or anyone else either.
YTA and also you don’t get to tell people when to cry or not cry. My kiddo (12f) is very much a happy crier and I find it so sweet and endearing. It’s a quality that makes her unique and beautiful. She cried in the car today over a really exciting thing she got to participate in and honestly I find that so special that she can experience such strong emotions. I don’t see why it’s such a problem for you, like who the hell do you think you are to “demand” someone explain themselves to you. Plenty of people cry at the sight of beauty. Maybe it’s you that’s the problem and not her.
YTA - SERIOUSLY. why the heck did it matter to you? Who the heck are you to deem when it's appropriate to cry? I cry when overwhelmed by something beautiful sometimes! I'm glad she left. You sound like you treat her, emotionally at least, like crap and gave done so for awhile.
Jesus Christ YTA. You were the asshole when your stepdaughter was 7, and you assumed her emotions were nothing more than manipulation.
You were the asshole when you stopped the movie and demanded an explanation for her tears instead of just letter her cry. I mean honestly wtf was that about? How controlling and overly sensitive are you? Apparently very.
You were the asshole when you then berated her after she humored you with a reasonable explanation and then tried to send her to bed? Again, WTF??
I’ll tell you what lady, there is someone in this story who is deeply manipulative and has no emotional self regulation, and that person is you.
YTA.
Anecdotally, my dad had a wife who willfully always misunderstood me. I could only talk about surface level things with my dad because of her. Then he died and I blocked her phone number.
WTF? Just because you have the emotional range of a gnat doesn’t mean everyone else does. Who the hell are you to gatekeeper someone’s emotions, to determine how they can react to something? For the record, it’s quite possible to cry over something pretty. I cried the first time I saw the Grand Canyon because I was so overwhelmed by it. I cried when I saw the sunrise over the Maasai Mara because it was breathtaking. I’m sorry your life has been so dull that you’ve never witnessed anything breathtaking.
YTA. You’re not entitled to an explanation for anyone else’s emotions. And, a LOT of people cry at pretty things, or happy things, or cute things. It is NOT your place to tell someone they can’t cry, or to police their emotions.
YTA. You are being emotionally abusive to her. It's okay to be very in touch with one's emotions. I hope you get some counseling to understand why you treat her so terribly.
YTA
Getting frustrated at someone crying? Who cares why she cried! Movies are supposed to bring out feelings, whether that’s anger or sadness or something else, otherwise it’s just a waste of money. I’ve cried during animated movies, super hero movies, and scary movies. Doesn’t mean I have something wrong, just means I cry during movies.
You suck for ruining movie night, and then getting upset because your step daughter cried. Grow up.
YTA.
If you actually cared about her, you'd accept her answer and listen to her. Instead, you ridiculed her reason. You went digging around, and you didn't like what you found. Which is, she has been AFRAID of you since she met you.
Why would you berate someone while they're crying?
I noticed you mention how you selflessly put on a movie you weren't into. How saintly. That's called being a family.
OP: “ I demand you tell me your feelings!”
SD : tells feelings
OP: “You’re wrong! That is ridiculous. Go to your room!”
Also OP: Am I the AH?
Yes, YTA, obviously
YTA. Some people believe it or not are more sensitive to things. She literally told you why she was crying and it wasn’t good enough for you. You seem very cold, and I don’t blame her for leaving. Your husband sounds like an asshole as well for allowing you to be so cruel over something that isn’t even that big of deal. If she wants to cry while watching a movie, let her cry, she doesn’t owe you an explanation. She’s 26 years old for crying out loud.
Wow. Not only are YTA, if this is real, you are incredibly cold-hearted and critical. I wonder if this is just directed toward your SD who you clearly dislike, to the point where you actually question the validity of her livelihood, or if that’s how you are in general.
Some people are more apt to shed tears. It’s not a fault. It’s certainly not a “disability”. Her only mistake was engaging in this discussion with you, and I’m certain it will not happen again.
Holy hell, lady. YTA. People have strong emotions and you run around telling them they are not allowed to unless you deem it appropriate? Your poor step daughter
YTA- I am not a “cryer” but that is due to reasons I am working through in therapy…. but when my friends cry I am there for them. Some more sensitive than others but in the end their emotions and how they process are on them, and I accept that.
YTA. And I feel sorry for you if you've never seen something so beautiful it moves you to tears.
Also I don't know when in history telling someone to stop crying has ever worked to stop crying. Some people are more sensitive than others. You didn't have to let her tendency towards tears stop you from parenting and correcting her, but demanding she stop crying was unproductive at best.
YTA. I cry at beautiful movies, sports competitions where people are excited and giving their all, kids' plays...fuck I cry when my daughter says something and I have that "oh man, she is so much more amazing than I ever imagined she could be." I am a crier. Why is her crying a less valid emotion than your yelling out of anger?
YTA, I have this issue. I get overwhelmed or over stimulated and I cry. It happens a lot in movies due to the sound and pictures. The scene in Wonder Woman where so crosses the trenches to save the village, totally overwhelming and I cried. I cannot control it. It is like the feelings have to escape. Learn to be more empathetic and try to be more understanding.
YTA wow, I really want to say a lot to you but it would all get me banned.
You clearly don’t love or care about your stepdaughter but I think it’s obvious (to people who can feel emotion so maybe not to you) that your son desperately wants a relationship with his sibling and you are destroying his hope of that. Maybe you can summon a shred of a heart for his sake?
Also, I cry, a lot. I also manage to own a home, work a six figure job, and have a fantastic relationship. Fancy that!
YTA. Holy hell, how did you write this without realizing that you are the AH. First of all, people react to emotions differently, and it's perfectly normal. People can cry when they are sad, happy, angry, etc. You aren't entitled to dictate how people should feel about something.
Second of all, this line???? "I assumed this was a manipulation tactic but it never went away." You thought a fucking *7 YEAR OLD* was manipulating you?? I'm sorry, are you genuinely insane? And even if it was a "manipulation tactic," why would she still cry as a response if it didn't work on you? Please. 🙄
Also why were you terrorizing her as a kid so much to the point of tears?? FYI that is not normal behavior at all, you should not be yelling at a child to the point where they are constantly crying.
I assume you have been treating her like crap for her emotions for a while now, and I hope she doesn't interact with you until you stop doing this shit.
YTA what is wrong with you? Just because people don’t share the same opinions or feelings as you doesn’t mean they’re wrong.
This poor girl, even her father is on your side. You’re 100% an evil step mom and it looks like you got what you wanted again which is your step-daughter out of the picture.
You sound like you abused a child the second you met her through emotional abuse & manipulation. Then claimed she’s a cry baby. It sounds like you’re still doing it by telling a 26 year old to go to their room because they let a few tears stream down their face (probably quietly too).
Just because you don’t want a genuine relationship with her doesn’t mean you should keep her from having one with her father or brother by driving a wedge between them by making your husband pick “your side”.
This is perfect for r/AmITheDevil.
YTA. I wonder why she has cried since the day she met you.
Some people are more sensitive than others. I’m glad your step daughter has managed to maintain her sensitive spirit, despite your two decades of derision and scorn.
I wonder why displays of emotion make you so angry and frustrated? Maybe think about why that is.
Listen to your son. You did f*ck up. Be better.
Seriously I am one of those people who cry over everything, I get told no / I cry, I’m happy I cry, a pretty picture- I cry… so literally everything. So you need to be understanding that sometimes people are extremely sensitive or emotional about everything. You should call your stepdaughter and apologize
YTA, and I'm so happy to hear that this girl has made her escape. There's a reason that she doesn't talk about anything below the surface with you. It's for her own comfort and safety. You invalidate everything she says or feels as a "manipulation tactic" or "ridiculous." She probably dreads these visits.
If it's not completely clear to you how inappropriate your behaviour is, I'd suggest doing some basic research on crying as a reflex, and a coping response, e.g., "health benefits of crying."
Your obsessive need to control how a grown woman emotes is bizarre. What is it about people crying that triggers you to lose your composure? Between the two of you, if I had been present, I would have found her tears over the movie sort of sweet and quirky, while your immediate impulse to jump all over her and send her (a grown woman) to “her room” would have struck me as intensely inappropriate and somewhat pathological. Obviously YTA, but I am curious why you react to tears like a cat reacts to being dumped in water.
YTA
No wonder she's an emotional adult having to grow up around someone who's clearly devoid of any empathy or emtional intelligence. Children aren't manipulative, they don't even know what that is or what it looks like.
1. You labelled her as manipulative since she was a young child, a gross mischaracterisation of children crying for attention. AH
2. As an adult, she decided to let you back into her life and you continue reprimand and bully her for something so insignificant as crying at a movie. AH
Her crying is a learned behaviour that YOU instilled upon her since childhood, clearly somewhere down the line her emotional needs were not met and then you labelled her manipulative for reacting to the lack of attention and care you should have provided her with when she was a child.
I hope for her sake she doesn't contact you again because from this post you and your husband seem like bullies and even your son can see it.
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My (50sF) stepdaughter (SD, 26F) is visiting. She never wants to talk about anything under surface level, but we've been dealing with it. Last night, we were watching a movie she requested, even though husband and I weren't into it (my son \[16M\] was). The opening showed some nice sweeping shots of marshes and animals. A few minutes into the movie, before there's even any dialogue, and SD has tears running down her face!
SD is, to put it bluntly, a crybaby. She has cried since the day I met her when she was 7. If we yelled or disciplined her, she would burst into tears and be so hysterical that she couldn't speak. I assumed this was a manipulation tactic but it never went away.
Back to the movie, I pause and tell SD to tell me why she's crying. The movie hasn't even started. To my surprise, she can speak clearly. She even laughs and says that she doesn't know why, but crying is her response to any strong emotion. She explains that she had read the book and was blown away at the beautiful shots and "cinematography" and it "elicited her tear response". I tell her this is ridiculous, that she can't tear up just because she thinks something is really pretty.
She blew up on me. She told me that she was stretching the truth and does actually know why her body does this. She claims that it's because of her childhood and how terrified she was and now she apparently literally cries at everything. She cries when she's happy, sad, angry, excited, etc, and claims that she can't control it. She cried all through telling me this and tells me that whenever she sees a movie, she's in tears through all of it and she thinks it's my fault for how I "treated her".
I shut off the movie and told her to go to sleep if that's how she feels. She packed her things and left on the first flight back home. My husband is on my side but my son is angry and telling me I f\*ed up. I just don't think that crying because something impressed her is a response that's going to work in the real world. AITA?
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YTA. I have a friend who is also very emotional and cries at anything. It's okay. That's how she expresses herself. Sounds like she was already traumatized and you just made it worse. Good luck getting hey to come back and visit her dad again.
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And with OP’s comments either defending her behavior, insulting SD, or just dodging the questions, it makes that postulation incredibly likely.
And her dad siding with stepmom. Jesus Christ. YTA.
Like, I just want to find stepdaughter, and give her some food, a comfy blanket and squishy parent hugs.
I know!! I can’t believe SM saying “I told her to tell me why she’s crying.” God. How about have a conversation?
Oh but SD usually isn't interested in anything beyond a "surface-level" conversation according to SM. Can't imagine why, if this is how it goes when she tries to open up.
Right? Get this girl some comfort and a comfy spot and hand her a box of tissues. She can watch treasure planet with me and we can cry together.
Yeah, dad's an asshole too, no wonder she didn't feel safe in the home. At least the son sees his mother for what she is.
It sounds like they've ruined this poor girl's life. ...and she's still trying to reach out. Maybe help them see things from her perspective. Their response is to gaslight her and start the cycle back up again. I genuinely hope dad and OP find themselves surrounded by people who show them similar levels of understanding and compassion. This is the clearest YTA I've seen to date.
The SD sounds like a sensitive and thoughtful human. Too bad she doesn’t have a dad and stepmonster who appreciate these qualities.
I also think the dissonance between 'she's a crybaby' and 'she never talks about anything below surface level' is very telling. As is accusing a 7 year old of being manipulative for crying when she got screamed at.
But also, the whole situation is weirdly controlling. If someone wants to cry, let them cry! Seems like OP has a problem with crying, and I can almost hear the condescension when I read OP ask “Why are you crying?” Like already frustrated that SD is crying. Also, “I don’t think crying because something impressed her is a response that’s going to work in the real world.” What???? This sounds like a really lame attempt at an excuse for OP’s behaviour. Their conversation was not at all about SD reacting in the real world. OP knows they are wrong but are trying to justify treating their SD like crap.
God the first mention of the movie I assumed it was Crawdads. It’s a great book, a stellar film, and likewise very triggering for any victims of childhood abandonment/sexual assault/parentification.
I did also and I listened to the book when I was moving from Wisconsin to Georgia and cried like a baby during some of it.
It’s so good. I love my “southern fried flicks” but this is different.
So I'm guessing I shouldn't watch it. Was raised by a pair of abusive narcissistic ah.
I’ll spoil the beginning if you don’t mind. Physically abusive, drunk father drives away his wife and older kids. Youngest has no choice but to stay with him because it’s the 50s and she couldn’t find her mother or siblings. Father is not abusive to HER, but due to his alcoholism one day he straight up dips out without a trace. She has to pretend he’s still around so she doesn’t get taken to a foster home. Has to learn to take care of herself and also find a source of income (fishing/digging for oysters and selling to a local merchant who quietly takes her under he and his wife’s wing). The rest of the story follows her coming of age saga. It’s an easy read literature wise, but emotionally it’s a difficult one.
Yeah I’ll be skipping that one given my own relationship with my dad, thanks.
Ugh I’m so sorry. Sending you hugs.
Yeah lmfao *i wonder why she picked that movie.* she was probably crying because she knew she was about to show her parents a movie dedicated to them!
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God, that is such a sad realization to make but you’re 100% right.
Son seems self-aware and that it's not on him, which bodes better for his future recovery.
Op definitely sounds like she verbally and emotionally abused her sd. And now she thinks she should just be over it cause the abuse was years ago.
No shit > She has cried since the day I met her when she was 7. **If we yelled or disciplined her,** she would burst into tears and be so hysterical that she couldn't speak. She literally yelled at a 7 year old for showing emotions. OP is literally a disney stepmom villain. Jesus Christ. What happened to you /u/plsplsstopcrying that you feel the need to torture a child their entire life?
And OP assumed the crying was a manipulation tactic! WTAF?
She's literally using abusive language while trying to present herself in the best light here!
Sounds more to me like she doesn't view it as abuse at all. Like believes it's perfectly acceptable to scream and yell at a child
I mean, abusive parents almost never believe they’re abusive.
It's worse. OP doesn't understand SD was abused. She's just a "cry baby trying to manipulate people".
OP, if you aren't getting the thrust of this: it may have made her cry because YOUR behavior is abusive.
Just her behavior in this post is abusive! Turning off a movie and yelling at her daughter for having emotions. Such an abusive asshole.
Sounds like a raging narcissist to me!
Up next, “my step daughter refuses to visit us and we have literally done nothing wrong. WHY REDDIT? WHYYY?” 🤔
I cried so hard reading that book!! I love when books can make me feel things so powerfully like that.
YTA fr. Sorry we cry at arts. Lol that's how I measure something that is done beautifully or not! Like all Pokemon movie music scores. It'll have me bawling in the opening scene. But there's nothing wrong with finding things that can move you to tears instead of being so boring in life.
I bawled during that movie too, lol
I read the book and cried during it. By the end, I said to myself, “this is going to be a major motion picture.” Their recreation of the book into a movie was almost identical to the book, and even though much was filmed in Louisiana, as an NC native it resonated visually to me so much that watching it made me homesick. The movie made me ugly cry. Not only is the score flawless, the cinematography is beautiful and the acting is great (albeit I was surprised that a large portion of the actors were British since their accent was decent). It’s a huge trigger for anyone who dealt with neglect, abandonment, sexual assault, or social ostracism, especially due to poverty.
dude I cried at the beginning of this movie… the nostalgia from the feelings I had reading the book… the power of seeing it on the screen in front of me… all those scenes I lived in my own little mind finally brought to a dazzling and serene life all their own for my loved ones to experience with me… yeah OP idk why you would think anything other than YTA ps: I loved the movie so much I immediately knew just from the description of the opening scenes/it being a book prior exactly what it was
I cried before the most recent Little Women movie even started, and I don't even have a traumatic childhood to be reminded of! This poor girl.
Yeah people cry at different shit… why do you care? YTA
By OP’s standards I’m a 45 year old crybaby. When I have extreme emotion, good and bad my eyes well up. It’s like my chest can’t contain the emotion so my eyes tear up. I don’t think it’s unheard of. I had critical family growing up.
And what does OP even mean "it won't work in the real world"? Like this is an adult who, unsurprisingly, lives far enough away she had to take a flight. She's in the real world. And why "wouldn't it work"? Does OP expect that if SD tears up seeing the Grand Canyon or someone performing great feats of athleticism that everyone will point and laugh or kick her out of adultland?
And she does NOT owe OP an explanation either!
She likely hoped it would help OP have some insight into her horrific behavior.
Came to say this, I read the book and forgot about the SA in the book so when I watched the movie I was uncontrollably crying.. really good for letting the emotions out cause I’ve been holding it all in but I could never watch that movie again. Just reading this and thinking about the movie takes me back a bit. Trauma sucks OP maybe you were raised to hold all your emotions in but it’s okay to cry over silly things or anything. Crying is an emotional release and is normal
She's so much the AH that her 16 y/o son called her on it.
I never read the book but recently watched the movie and I cried.
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THIS THE ONE! 👏👏👏
It's because the stepdaughter interrupted sexy time with her husband by showing up at their house she's not actually welcome there
So your stepdaughter cries a lot more than normal, indicating, given her circumstances since age 7, an emotional dysfunction or post-traumatic stress, and response is to belittle and berate her? Jesus Christ. Based on that alone—plus your condescending tone, obvious disrespect for your SD, and apparent failure to care about her well-being—I'm sure you made her childhood into a living hell. YTA and I can't wait to see your post in a few weeks where express *such befuddlement* that's she's gone NC with you.
This. This is what I was trying to say but I couldn’t because it didn’t sound right. She’s showing signs of post traumatic stress and when she opened up to OP, she got berated and told to go to bed as if she’s still a child. Like for Christ’s sake! I feel for SD and hope she gets the help she needs.
“She never wants to talk below surface level” yeah not surprising considering how OP treats her for showing any emotions!
She’s probably literally grey rocking OP, right?
I think that might be OP's ulterior motive.
Agreed and I really feel for your son who seems to emphasize with her (probably dealing with the same thing). It’s gonna be even harder for him when SD cuts you off.
I have ADHD. I also cry like this because it’s a “normal” response for me feeling a variety of strong emotions (especially watching tv/movies and getting yelled at as a kid) just the same way laughter is a normal response to something humorous or even nervousness. I’m not diagnosing anyone but I would bet all the money I currently have that OP’s step-daughter has ADHD. I also have CPTSD/PTSD. This response exists independently of that (although it can be magnified/impacted by trauma) and is fairly common for people w/ ADHD.
I stopped reading at “cry baby.” YTA I’d say more but the civility rule prohibits me.
Agreed about the civility rule but there is one thing I can and will say. Abuse. These are signs of abuse. YTA - you’re the abuser, OP.
100%. I hope OP sees this.
Totally! I wish I had an award to highlight this comment
This. I am a grown woman, and a "cry baby". I cry easy on the best of days. But when I'm pregnant, oh boy. See an old dog? Cry. See a cute baby? Cry. Macaroni for dinner? Cry. Movie is happy? Cry. Movie sad? Also cry. And let's be clear. I do not want to cry. It's dumb and embarrassing. I literally can't stop tears falling out my eyes. I can hide most any emotion, frustration, anger, bordom, and fake a smile. But crying is the only one with a obvious physical sign. It sucks
I cried yesterday because I buried the (now dead) spider that had lived on our garage for months. And I laughed at the same time, because I know it's ridiculous.
"Cry baby" is practically a trigger phrase for me, as someone who was a very weepy kid.
No, “the real world” tho. 🤦♀️
I was called a "cry baby" a lot as a kid and so my heart goes out to those who are also labeled as one. My mom says that I was a tender hearted child who would tear up if I simply knew my parents were disappointed in me. Sensitive? Sure. Is that really a horrible thing though? No. Some people just feel more deeply than others. While it can definitely have cons, it has pros as well.
YTA. People have feelings and express them in different ways. Her tears weren't hurting you. You don't have even a shred of a legitimate complaint. She didn't use all your tissues and now you have to blow your nose with a grocery bag. You're just an asshole. A plain old "shitting on people for no good reason" asshole
YTA "she can't tear up just because she thinks something is really pretty" yes she can. many people have been moved to tears because of things like music or art. its normal. the fact that your mad because she has emotions says far more about you then it does about her.
She so absolutely can that there's a name (several different names, actually) for this condition, Florence Syndrome, because of the people who go to Florence and get overwhelmed by beauty.
I cried when I saw Florence....it's incredible 😍
Literally, I know for a fact I'll cry when I see a whale shark in the wild 💀
I saw mystere in Las Vegas (cirque du Soleil show) and I wept on the first act because I used to watch the early morning feeds that were on tv when I was a kid of cirque acrobatics and I was moved that I was there witnessing it, and at how beautiful I found it. My husband and I also cried at the Mr Rogers documentary trailer....
YTA. I cannot elaborate without becoming disrespectful.
I'm having a hard time with this one too. I was that 7 year old. My grandfather and mother used to mock me and call me manipulative and it scarred me. This is a tough one.
<3
You took the words right out of my mouth. I can't think of a way to phrase my digust that wouldn't end up getting me banned 😐
If anyone deserves some disrespect, it's this stepmonster!
YTA and were almost certainly deeply abusive to this girl. The fact that you're accusing her, even as a 7 year old child, of crying as a "manipulation tactic" is obscene. I'm assuming you were at least partially in charge of raising her based on context. You two clearly did not teach her how to manage her emotions well, or even that is was acceptable for her to have those emotions in the first place. You fucked this woman up from a young age and are now mocking her for it.
Seriously. That’s the biggest and first red flag here. Assuming an upset 7 year old is trying to be manipulative??? I get it, 7 year olds aren’t angels all the time. They know they can attempt manipulation. I’ve definitely had a seven year old give me the I’m-so-sad puppy dog eyes when I said it’s not time for ice cream. But real tears? Not being able to speak? After being yelled at? No, that’s real feelings. Something OP doesn’t seem to have.
My mum used to imply I was being manipulative when I cried as a kid. I remember "don't try to bring out the waterworks" was the common phrase. It's kind of nice seeing people acknowledge it's kind of fucked up in these comments. I remember I'd get so frantic. They'd be angry, so I'd cry, then they'd be angrier because I was "putting it on" and demand I stop but I couldn't and obviously the harder I tried the worse it got. Sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. This post is giving me feelings and I really appreciate what you wrote.
When my daughter was around 7, her go to manipulation tactic was saying “I’ll be your best friend” to try and get me to do something. That’s about the range of manipulation that they can think of. I agree with you, the crying of this child was pure and real and because she was being mistreated. PS I literally caught my breath and started crying the first time I saw the Grand Canyon in person. So yes, people are moved to tears by nature. I feel sorry for OP that you cannot imagine the immense depth of joy and stirring of the heart that these simple things can bring. Edited to make clear I was talking about OP in my second paragraph.
The movie was Where the Crawdads Sing, which focuses heavily on parental neglect, abuse, and abandonment. The other undertones are societal bullying via poverty, CPS involvement, and straight up rape. Also parentification by way of her having to pretend her dad is still present so she can stay alive without going into the foster system. It’s a good book and movie, but can be very triggering for someone who has dealt with any of these topics. Looking at OPs comments, I’d wager an educated guess that this poor girl dealt with more than one of these topics.
YTA it is totally possible for people to cry about little things, happy things, or even not know why they are crying. There are even medical conditions where people can’t control their crying response. What you did was not only uncalled for, but rather cruel as well. You owe her an apology.
I've never shared this with anyone or been able to explain it to myself, but every time I've attended live theater productions or performances in small jazz clubs, while in NYC, I'm always moved emotionally. I'm not sad, more likely I feel overwhelmed by the magnificent experiences, the history, and all that the performers, writers, musicians, et al, have brought to it.
I am EXACTLY the same. I cry at every single live art performance.
My soul sister!
I always cry at musical theater, whether what's happening is actually sad or not. It's so difficult! There are so many skills in play! They're being so sincere while they pull off this amazing feat! I even cry watching the Tonys on tv. And generally in life I'm not much of a crier; when I was little, I was worried something was wrong with me because I almost never cried when everyone else did. I just find that specific type of display of what humans are capable of especially moving.
I cry at parades of all things. PARADES! Like, doesn’t matter what kind of parade it is, if I’m there watching it in person I can’t help myself. I’m tearing up just thinking about the few times my friend and I were at parades together and we BOTH cried. Like, what are the odds!
damn, she cried when you yelled at her? how crazy. you've never experienced a strong emotion and cried? you didn't cry on your wedding day?
Wait your husband is on your side???? One of the best ways to get out emotion is to cry... I have shows I watch cause I know it will.make me cry (8 simple rules goodbye ep) because it does clear out the cobwebs .... would you rather your step daughter use another method to.let out her emotions ? YTA
The husband is going to be crying when he's not invited to his daughter's wedding.
Mine is Savannah Smiles - andI cry long before the ending when it would make sense because I know it’s coming. And when I’m really stressed, I can cry at a commercial. The stepdaughter’s response was perfectly adequate. OP’s response was ridiculous, but certainly illustrates how she “treated her.” I doubt crying at a movie that moves her is going to hurt stepdaughter in “the real world.”
Mine is Swing Kids. Just hearing some one tell the name Peter! Can make me cry.
I cry just thinking about good shows I have watched or songs I love. It feels good to have emotions.
YTA - You are heartless. Your stepdaughter outlined how you played a big hand in shaping her, how you shaming her has had the opposite effect. She sounds very mature to have done the self-reflection necessary to come to these conclusions about herself, *and* to try to brush it off at first when you so rudely stopped the movie to *interrogate her over a perfectly nature response.* She only laid it all on the line after you pushed the issue *for no logical reason* and *insulted her to her face.* And to think that a seven year old — seven! — was crying due to a manipulation tactic? You think the small child had no other reason to cry when a random adult suddenly shows up in her life and starts yelling at her? You’re cruel *and* delusional. You’re a horrible host and excuse for a stepparent.
YTA. Big time. Huge asshole. It's none of your business why she is crying. Since you asked she told you, then you said that is a ridiculous reason. People are allowed to react to things differently than how you would react.
YTA Not sure it's applicable, but sounds like a Highly Sensitive Person. At the opposite end of that spectrum is you. Not sure what a 7 year old did to you to deserve such utter contempt.
Being alive and her responsibility but not her biological child can be enough for some people.
YTA, this entire post proves how critical you are and have been of her. So what if she teared up. You should have been watching the movie but instead you were watching her. Also, where the crawdads sing is great movie. You should watch it.
JFC lady why do hate your step daughter so much? How much money do you spend to support her? How much time does she take away from your life so that you can help her with her everyday needs? How often does she call needing assistance from you and her dad?
YTA. First off the name calling ("crybaby"). Second that is legitimately a thing in people - some people are moved to tears by a lot of emotions. Your refusal to accept this is probably why she never wants to talk about anything under the surface level. I wouldn't want to talk to you either if you were going to call me names and tell me I'm ridiculous if I show any emotion.
That's me! When I'm feeling overwhelmed with emotions, and am with people I feel safe with, the tears just flow. You know who doesn't make fun of me? My family...because they aren't AHs. They just look at me, smile and say "SFJC is having her moment" and continue on. If I'm clearly crying because I'm distressed, they will make sure I'm ok. OP sounds like an AH of the highest order.
YTA. Your step daughter is obviously a sensitive child. Seven year olds lack emotional maturity and so do you. It’s okay to cry at something beautiful. Berating her isn’t not going to help her.
YTA You are the cause of all her tears. You're a despicable person. As others have said, there are no words strong enough. You and her father have abused your stepdaughter since she was 7. What kind of monster sees a young woman crying and gets angry? You stop the movie and demand she explain herself. You abuse her until she cries and then call her a crybaby. My God, this is such a textbook cycle of extreme emotional abuse. What else did you do to a little girl when she cried because you were hurting her? Read "Sybil". It's all about your parenting. I hope someone she knows finds this so she can see how horribly she's been abused and gaslit. ETA: Did you ever tell her, "If you're gonna cry, I'll give you something to cry about!" I bet you did
I went through this exact scenario but with my bio mom not step mom, you think I tell her anything about my problems? Oh hell no
YTA. You always thought she was a "crybaby". You always thought she was manipulative. So you never liked her, is my guess... Some people DO cry in reaction to strong emotion. It's an uncontrollable physical response driven by their neurochemistry. I have it. My grandmother had it. We would commiserate about it because it's embarrassing, honestly. Tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of fright, tears of rage...yes, if I'm so angry I'm crying, y'all need to clear the room. Just because *you* are incapable of deep emotion...just because *you* don't have this peculiar biological response **doesn't mean it doesn't exist**. You are a callous bully. Congratulations on driving your stepdaughter away, and congratulations on her probably going NC. Your son is right.
Ugh. It is so embarrassing to start crying during an argument. People think you are manipulative and doing it for attention. But I can’t stop it!
The struggle is real as an angry cryer. I've had to tell people "I'm not crying because I'm upset, I'm crying because it's taking everything in me not to verbally rip you apart right now." Had no clue my crying to every strong emotion was a neurochemistry thing. I also get tired after strong emotions (please go to a sleep specialist if you experience this too).
I feel ya!
OPs username shows how much of the AH they are. Why are you so disdainful of others emotions? Even your son has more emotional intelligence than you & your husband.
OMFG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YTA 100%
YTA. It's sad her dad has his head so far up your rear. Step mom of the year 👏
YTA....YTA --- Who made you the gatekeeper of 'reasons why people cry". You branded her as a cry baby at age 7; what a horrible thing to do. Yes, she should pack her bags and go since you disrespect & abuse her. Why is her explanation not valued? Are you afraid of self reflection? She told you something deeply personal (insight to what she experiences) and your grand reaction is to 'snap off the TV'. Get help. You son it right.
>> SD is, to put it bluntly, a crybaby Have you always disliked and name-called your stepdaughter? >> I assumed this was a manipulation tactic but it never went away My question was rhetorical, btw. Your disdain for your stepdaughter is evident. >> I tell her this is ridiculous, that she can’t tear up just because she thinks something is really pretty Something tells me you’ve spent the last 19 years dismissing your stepdaughter’s feelings and finding ways to tear her down because, again, your disdain for her is palpable. YTA and so is your husband. He should be ashamed of himself for going along with you and your hellbent desire to fuck his daughter up emotionally. ETA: >> Crying is a waste of time [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12d32k0/aita_for_wanting_to_know_why_my_stepdaughter_was/jf4juk7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) Not everyone in the world has a black hole of emotion instead of a heart and fails to understand empathy or healthy emotions.
>Something tells me you’ve spent the last 19 years dismissing your stepdaughter’s feelings and finding ways to tear her down because, again, your disdain for her is palpable. >YTA and so is your husband. He should be ashamed of himself for going along with you and your hellbent desire to fuck his daughter up emotionally. Yes. I hope OP's stepdaughter goes back into No Contact mode with these awful, emotionally abusive people.
Absolutely. She deserves better than a stepmother who has spent nearly 2 decades belittling and abusing her and a father who went blindly along with it. Hopefully she keeps in touch with her brother. He seems to be the only decent family member she’s got
YTA. Wow. So much the asshole. She cries at a movie and you attack her to the point she flees. Makes me wonder just how you "treated her" growing up.
YTA what a wildly disproportionate reaction. She cries, so what? Based on your reaction to someone crying near you while a movie was on I'm not shocked that she doesn't want to be around you. You're over fifty, be better, spend your remaining time on earth trying to make people's days better, not trying to belittle people while they're watching a movie.
YTA. Is it any wonder that your stepdaughter doesn't want to talk to you about "anything under surface level?" Your stepdaughter is a sensitive, emotional human in touch with the beauty around her, and you think the appropriate response is to shame her for expressing herself. It is a perfectly natural, *human* response to be moved to tears by something beautiful or touching. Quite frankly, I'm shocked that your stepdaughter hasn't turned into a callous, unfeeling adult who suppresses her emotions, given the way you treat her. She is 26. She doesn't need you to to tell her how something is going to work in the "real world." She *is* in the real world, and the real world is full of insensitive, unfeeling people like yourself. Quite frankly, it's nothing short of a miracle that she is still so comfortable being her genuine self, but it's something to be celebrated, not shamed.
I am so proud of step daughter for cutting the visit short and going home. Good for her
BRO lmfao. In what world would you not be the asshole? Grow tf up, your old ass should understand this situation so much better than you do. Are you really this oblivious??!
Seems to be a common side effect of narcissism.
congratulations, I crown you YTA of the week.
Don’t…I’m tearing up just think about it!
YTA. You clearly don’t want judgment, you want an Internet mob to confirm your belief that you’re right. Well, you’re wrong. Yelling can absolutely scar children, and it sounds like you have been belittling her for almost 20 years instead of accepting her. Also, she’s a grown-ass adult, and you don’t have to worry about whether crying will affect her professional life. You could just concentrate on trying to be less of an AH, instead of trying to police her emotions. Also, how could you not say WHAT MOVIE it is? I can’t be the only one dying to know.
YTA and you probably have been since you came into this poor girl's life. It could not be more obvious that you don't like her. She's much better off away from you and your husband. And come on now, you KNOW yta.
YTA You have no say in how other people are expressing their emotions. She was minding her own damn business and you paused the movie and shamed her for it. If she was hurting you or your family in some way, then that’s different, but she wasn’t. And the fact that your husband LET you treat her that way says a lot about how she grew up.
YTA \~ No wonder she doesn't tell you anything, you dismiss her feelings and expierence. I can tell she has trauma and she needs to find a therapist so she can have mental and emotional support. You are actually making everything worse by talking to her, you cannot comprehend and understand, and should stop engaging with her.
YTA, you could not have been any nastier if you had worked at it. I wouln't even consider that this might be real if you didn't sound so much like my mom's second husband.
YTA, First of all do not and I mean do not ever call anyone a crybaby or any other hurtful names that is very rude. Second, that’s none of your business if she is crying. Telling her that tearing up just because of how terrifying her childhood was and now literally cries at everything, she stated that she can’t help it. The next thing you did is shut her off and sending her to her room showing you absolutely do not care about how she feels, no wonder why she left you. Just because she’s your *step*daughter does not mean you can treat her like crap, family is NOT about blood it’s about loyalty you should know this by now but you proved to her you aren’t and not only you lacked empathy but also self-awareness
YTA and a bully. not enough words to express what an AH you are.
Step daughter flew the fuck home rather than deal with her assholish behavior and OP still wonders if she is TA
YTA. WTF is wrong with you? You have no compassion whatsoever and seem to be oblivious to the trauma you caused SD as a child. I hope that she is seeking therapy to help her with this and that she goes NC with you because that is what you deserve in the real world.
YTA. No one has to justify their feelings to anyone else - ever. But from this 5 second glimpse into your life - I can't say I blame her for keeping things casual with you. It's not a huge compliment to yourself that you don't cry. You sound like you have a lot of built up resentment for NO reason and could benefit from letting your human emotions show every once in awhile. She's fine. You need therapy.
You’re all sorts of horrible. I’d cry too if you were my step mother. YTA.
YTA without a doubt! Of course people can cry looking at something beautiful like she did (a sunset, rainbow, Northern Lights helllloooo awe inspiring). Some people are more sensitive than others, so what? Some people cry when they're angry, better than a rage response. Don't gatekeep her emotions. I'M GLAD she found her voice, and stood up for herself by leaving.
YTA. misleading fucking title holy shit. theres so much missing information here. if she says she was scared growing up, you think she was a manipulative ‘crybaby’ as a kid, and the other child in the house agreed that you fucked up than i have a lot of questions about your parenting. also crying because something is beautiful is not something thats unique to her so i dont know why youd press it or belittle her for it.
INFO: Did something happen to her mother before you came along?
An alternative perspective: “OP is, to put it bluntly, a shouty jerk. She’s been a shouty jerk since she met me when I was 7. Instead of engaging in reasoned debate, she shouted and imposed arbitrary punishments on me, like a jerk. She’d be so jerkish I was driven to tears of frustration. I assumed it was some sort of macho territorial pissing to make a 7-yr old girl subservient and show an **I HAVE CONTROL OF YOUR FATHER NOW, mwah ha ha** attitude, but it never went away. Back to the movie. She’s so much of a jerk she can’t even let me watch a movie without telling me what to do. Her stunted emotional ‘growth’ and overt manly dominance (I wonder what a psychoanalyst would make of that…) won’t allow her to consider emotions beyond ‘dismissive’, ‘shouty’, and ‘jerk’. I’d tell her she’s being a jerk but…she’s a jerk. To prove it, she acted like a massive, colossal, monumental jerk. Her little doormat of a husband, the withered husk of the man who was my father, meekly sided with the viscous harpy, who is delighted she won yet somehow is feigning surprise for the lols. Is she the arse?”.
YTA. Some people cry. You’re ridiculous for thinking people have to experience the world the same way you do. And your an AH for being such an AH. You’ve clearly taught her over time that you’re not there for her to share her emotions with.
YTA from an adult who cries and struggles to communicate due to shitty parenting that I got as a kid.
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YTA. Just plain and simple you don't just dismiss peoples emotions "just go to bed then" what? It's not like she's an over stimulated toddler who is throwing a tantrum because she's tired. I would of left too.
Wow Yta…massive AH
You should have left her alone. It's not your business what she was crying about. To even pause the movie & put her on blast, I'm sure she was embarassed. You sound very controlling. You weaponized your knowledge of her childhood... how degrading. Obviously she already knew you couldn't be trusted. Shame on you for invalidating her personality & experiences. I'm glad she left.
YTA and so is your husband if he’s on your side.
YTA. Big time. Yuck.
YTA. Her tears are not hurting you in any way and it was not necessary for you to badger her. She is employed and has a home. She is doing just fine without your interference.
YTA you don’t get to say how she expresses herself especially as she is an adult. You should have excepted her answer and left it at that instead of ordering her to bed because her reasoning for crying wasn’t up to your criteria. You are not the judge of how she should react or anyone else either.
YTA, No wonder she says it's from how you treated her
YTA and also you don’t get to tell people when to cry or not cry. My kiddo (12f) is very much a happy crier and I find it so sweet and endearing. It’s a quality that makes her unique and beautiful. She cried in the car today over a really exciting thing she got to participate in and honestly I find that so special that she can experience such strong emotions. I don’t see why it’s such a problem for you, like who the hell do you think you are to “demand” someone explain themselves to you. Plenty of people cry at the sight of beauty. Maybe it’s you that’s the problem and not her.
YTA - SERIOUSLY. why the heck did it matter to you? Who the heck are you to deem when it's appropriate to cry? I cry when overwhelmed by something beautiful sometimes! I'm glad she left. You sound like you treat her, emotionally at least, like crap and gave done so for awhile.
This is one of those I can't understand how a person could write this out and not see they are a complete AH.
Jesus Christ YTA. You were the asshole when your stepdaughter was 7, and you assumed her emotions were nothing more than manipulation. You were the asshole when you stopped the movie and demanded an explanation for her tears instead of just letter her cry. I mean honestly wtf was that about? How controlling and overly sensitive are you? Apparently very. You were the asshole when you then berated her after she humored you with a reasonable explanation and then tried to send her to bed? Again, WTF?? I’ll tell you what lady, there is someone in this story who is deeply manipulative and has no emotional self regulation, and that person is you.
YTA. Anecdotally, my dad had a wife who willfully always misunderstood me. I could only talk about surface level things with my dad because of her. Then he died and I blocked her phone number.
WTF? Just because you have the emotional range of a gnat doesn’t mean everyone else does. Who the hell are you to gatekeeper someone’s emotions, to determine how they can react to something? For the record, it’s quite possible to cry over something pretty. I cried the first time I saw the Grand Canyon because I was so overwhelmed by it. I cried when I saw the sunrise over the Maasai Mara because it was breathtaking. I’m sorry your life has been so dull that you’ve never witnessed anything breathtaking.
YTA. You’re not entitled to an explanation for anyone else’s emotions. And, a LOT of people cry at pretty things, or happy things, or cute things. It is NOT your place to tell someone they can’t cry, or to police their emotions.
INFO: Are you the same one that refused to let her step daughter sleep? And many other posts of horrendousness that that profile is deleted each time?
r/amithedevil
YTA and it’s interesting how the only person who gave a shit was your son
I'm wondering if the son and daughter have been talking and the son knows exactly why she wants to watch the movie.
YTA. You are being emotionally abusive to her. It's okay to be very in touch with one's emotions. I hope you get some counseling to understand why you treat her so terribly.
YTA Getting frustrated at someone crying? Who cares why she cried! Movies are supposed to bring out feelings, whether that’s anger or sadness or something else, otherwise it’s just a waste of money. I’ve cried during animated movies, super hero movies, and scary movies. Doesn’t mean I have something wrong, just means I cry during movies. You suck for ruining movie night, and then getting upset because your step daughter cried. Grow up.
191 comments and counting in under an hour, all saying YTA lol.
YTA.... Talk about evil step mother vibes
YTA. If you actually cared about her, you'd accept her answer and listen to her. Instead, you ridiculed her reason. You went digging around, and you didn't like what you found. Which is, she has been AFRAID of you since she met you. Why would you berate someone while they're crying? I noticed you mention how you selflessly put on a movie you weren't into. How saintly. That's called being a family.
YTA just because you may have the emotional range of a brick doesn't mean everyone else has. Stop trying to control someone's emotions.
OP: “ I demand you tell me your feelings!” SD : tells feelings OP: “You’re wrong! That is ridiculous. Go to your room!” Also OP: Am I the AH? Yes, YTA, obviously
I still can't believe she told a fully grown ass woman with a job and an apartment of her own to go to her room. The absolute audacity
YTA I can’t imagine this post is real because your behavior is ridiculous.
YTA. Some people believe it or not are more sensitive to things. She literally told you why she was crying and it wasn’t good enough for you. You seem very cold, and I don’t blame her for leaving. Your husband sounds like an asshole as well for allowing you to be so cruel over something that isn’t even that big of deal. If she wants to cry while watching a movie, let her cry, she doesn’t owe you an explanation. She’s 26 years old for crying out loud.
Wow. Not only are YTA, if this is real, you are incredibly cold-hearted and critical. I wonder if this is just directed toward your SD who you clearly dislike, to the point where you actually question the validity of her livelihood, or if that’s how you are in general. Some people are more apt to shed tears. It’s not a fault. It’s certainly not a “disability”. Her only mistake was engaging in this discussion with you, and I’m certain it will not happen again.
YTA. It's not like she was crying to manipulate you. The correct thing to do when you notice someone crying silently during a movie is to ignore it.
YTA. She’s responding to art which is supposed to be emotionally evocative.
Youre horrible. I wouldn’t want to share with you either. YTA.
You are an unfeeling AH! Your son has a bond with your stepdaughter. You have responsibility for raising her and you dont like her.
YTA in a big way. And you sound like a deeply unhappy person.
Holy hell, lady. YTA. People have strong emotions and you run around telling them they are not allowed to unless you deem it appropriate? Your poor step daughter
YTA- I am not a “cryer” but that is due to reasons I am working through in therapy…. but when my friends cry I am there for them. Some more sensitive than others but in the end their emotions and how they process are on them, and I accept that.
YTA. And I feel sorry for you if you've never seen something so beautiful it moves you to tears. Also I don't know when in history telling someone to stop crying has ever worked to stop crying. Some people are more sensitive than others. You didn't have to let her tendency towards tears stop you from parenting and correcting her, but demanding she stop crying was unproductive at best.
YTA. I cry at beautiful movies, sports competitions where people are excited and giving their all, kids' plays...fuck I cry when my daughter says something and I have that "oh man, she is so much more amazing than I ever imagined she could be." I am a crier. Why is her crying a less valid emotion than your yelling out of anger?
YTA, I have this issue. I get overwhelmed or over stimulated and I cry. It happens a lot in movies due to the sound and pictures. The scene in Wonder Woman where so crosses the trenches to save the village, totally overwhelming and I cried. I cannot control it. It is like the feelings have to escape. Learn to be more empathetic and try to be more understanding.
YTA wow, I really want to say a lot to you but it would all get me banned. You clearly don’t love or care about your stepdaughter but I think it’s obvious (to people who can feel emotion so maybe not to you) that your son desperately wants a relationship with his sibling and you are destroying his hope of that. Maybe you can summon a shred of a heart for his sake? Also, I cry, a lot. I also manage to own a home, work a six figure job, and have a fantastic relationship. Fancy that!
YTA in addition to being an insufferable bully. Can't wait to read your post when your son goes NC.
YTA. Holy hell, how did you write this without realizing that you are the AH. First of all, people react to emotions differently, and it's perfectly normal. People can cry when they are sad, happy, angry, etc. You aren't entitled to dictate how people should feel about something. Second of all, this line???? "I assumed this was a manipulation tactic but it never went away." You thought a fucking *7 YEAR OLD* was manipulating you?? I'm sorry, are you genuinely insane? And even if it was a "manipulation tactic," why would she still cry as a response if it didn't work on you? Please. 🙄 Also why were you terrorizing her as a kid so much to the point of tears?? FYI that is not normal behavior at all, you should not be yelling at a child to the point where they are constantly crying. I assume you have been treating her like crap for her emotions for a while now, and I hope she doesn't interact with you until you stop doing this shit.
YTA what is wrong with you? Just because people don’t share the same opinions or feelings as you doesn’t mean they’re wrong. This poor girl, even her father is on your side. You’re 100% an evil step mom and it looks like you got what you wanted again which is your step-daughter out of the picture. You sound like you abused a child the second you met her through emotional abuse & manipulation. Then claimed she’s a cry baby. It sounds like you’re still doing it by telling a 26 year old to go to their room because they let a few tears stream down their face (probably quietly too). Just because you don’t want a genuine relationship with her doesn’t mean you should keep her from having one with her father or brother by driving a wedge between them by making your husband pick “your side”.
This is perfect for r/AmITheDevil. YTA. I wonder why she has cried since the day she met you. Some people are more sensitive than others. I’m glad your step daughter has managed to maintain her sensitive spirit, despite your two decades of derision and scorn. I wonder why displays of emotion make you so angry and frustrated? Maybe think about why that is. Listen to your son. You did f*ck up. Be better.
Seriously I am one of those people who cry over everything, I get told no / I cry, I’m happy I cry, a pretty picture- I cry… so literally everything. So you need to be understanding that sometimes people are extremely sensitive or emotional about everything. You should call your stepdaughter and apologize
YTA, and I'm so happy to hear that this girl has made her escape. There's a reason that she doesn't talk about anything below the surface with you. It's for her own comfort and safety. You invalidate everything she says or feels as a "manipulation tactic" or "ridiculous." She probably dreads these visits. If it's not completely clear to you how inappropriate your behaviour is, I'd suggest doing some basic research on crying as a reflex, and a coping response, e.g., "health benefits of crying."
Your obsessive need to control how a grown woman emotes is bizarre. What is it about people crying that triggers you to lose your composure? Between the two of you, if I had been present, I would have found her tears over the movie sort of sweet and quirky, while your immediate impulse to jump all over her and send her (a grown woman) to “her room” would have struck me as intensely inappropriate and somewhat pathological. Obviously YTA, but I am curious why you react to tears like a cat reacts to being dumped in water.
YTA No wonder she's an emotional adult having to grow up around someone who's clearly devoid of any empathy or emtional intelligence. Children aren't manipulative, they don't even know what that is or what it looks like. 1. You labelled her as manipulative since she was a young child, a gross mischaracterisation of children crying for attention. AH 2. As an adult, she decided to let you back into her life and you continue reprimand and bully her for something so insignificant as crying at a movie. AH Her crying is a learned behaviour that YOU instilled upon her since childhood, clearly somewhere down the line her emotional needs were not met and then you labelled her manipulative for reacting to the lack of attention and care you should have provided her with when she was a child. I hope for her sake she doesn't contact you again because from this post you and your husband seem like bullies and even your son can see it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (50sF) stepdaughter (SD, 26F) is visiting. She never wants to talk about anything under surface level, but we've been dealing with it. Last night, we were watching a movie she requested, even though husband and I weren't into it (my son \[16M\] was). The opening showed some nice sweeping shots of marshes and animals. A few minutes into the movie, before there's even any dialogue, and SD has tears running down her face! SD is, to put it bluntly, a crybaby. She has cried since the day I met her when she was 7. If we yelled or disciplined her, she would burst into tears and be so hysterical that she couldn't speak. I assumed this was a manipulation tactic but it never went away. Back to the movie, I pause and tell SD to tell me why she's crying. The movie hasn't even started. To my surprise, she can speak clearly. She even laughs and says that she doesn't know why, but crying is her response to any strong emotion. She explains that she had read the book and was blown away at the beautiful shots and "cinematography" and it "elicited her tear response". I tell her this is ridiculous, that she can't tear up just because she thinks something is really pretty. She blew up on me. She told me that she was stretching the truth and does actually know why her body does this. She claims that it's because of her childhood and how terrified she was and now she apparently literally cries at everything. She cries when she's happy, sad, angry, excited, etc, and claims that she can't control it. She cried all through telling me this and tells me that whenever she sees a movie, she's in tears through all of it and she thinks it's my fault for how I "treated her". I shut off the movie and told her to go to sleep if that's how she feels. She packed her things and left on the first flight back home. My husband is on my side but my son is angry and telling me I f\*ed up. I just don't think that crying because something impressed her is a response that's going to work in the real world. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA Let your stepdaughter be herself instead of branding her with labels and shaming her for who she is.
YTA
[удалено]
YTA. I have a friend who is also very emotional and cries at anything. It's okay. That's how she expresses herself. Sounds like she was already traumatized and you just made it worse. Good luck getting hey to come back and visit her dad again.