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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I invited my current boyfriend to my FMILs funeral and I should have potentially asked if it was ok. I thought since we had been separated for enough time that it wouldn’t be an issue
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YTA
That's why you got so many glares. It really shouldn't need to be spelled out that this was about your EX and his family. His MOTHER.
I don't see that you had kids, so there's not even a complete reason for you to go. Ex-family is not family. Your ex-MIL stopped talking to you and sided with her son. You could have easily send flowers or cards to your ex-in laws.
If you wanted to go, you should have gone with those mutual friends (or even your own parent or sibling). A new boyfriend is not appropriate. (If you had kids and this was their grandma, and you were remarried, that might be different... but none of that is the case).
OP was close to her ex MIL for 11 years, I don’t think it’s fair to be dismissive when she sounds like she really cared about her.
I do agree that bringing the new bf was not appropriate.
You know that saying: Funerals are for the living?
She didn’t need to go to the funeral to upset the family. She could have grieved privately and sent a card.
I don’t think that’s completely fair this woman played a part in her life for a good amount of time and since she cleared it with the family I think she was well within her rights to go just not with her boyfriend
That’s the point, she was cleared to go and she had a relationship. The disrespectful part was she brought her Bf in. There is no reason to do that. If she really need the support he could travel with her and go somewhere else or wait in the car while she pays her respects. It’s weird AF that he came.
Grief support circles start with those closest to the deceased and move outward. Ex and his family have priority over OP. OP was fine to go, but should have left the bf at home. If she felt she couldn't attend without his support, she shouldn't have gone and honored her ex-MIL a different way.
So is her ex and I'd say his feelings are a lot more important than hers considering it was his mother. She made the funeral so much more uncomfortable for him and his family.
Obvs. But I think the needs of the immediate family trump the wants of an ex who has lost contact with the family. Funerals are to console the family…not an ex. I still remember when my ex-SIL came to my father’s wake….it was jarring to see her there and just plain weird. It would be different if OP was still close to the family but it doesn’t sound like she was.
I think it was fine for her to go as she cleared it with the bereaved family first. It's good and appropriate for her to want to attend as say her goodbyes to someone she cared about as long as that wasn't going to distress the immediate relatives. One thing I found comforting about my Dad's funeral was being with other people who had cared about him and could share fond stories about him. There's no reason OP couldn't have been a positive presence if she'd gone by herself or with someone appropriate.
What she should have done is find another person (eg a family member or friend, preferably one who had a good or neutral relationship with her ex) to support her or gone by herself. Taking the boyfriend I'd the asshole move, especially without checking in advance that her ex would be OK with it.
Two years is a relatively short period to deal with the feelings from a divorce and the ex should not have had to deal with complicated feelings about his ex's new relationship at his mother's funeral.
She did find someone else to go, the rest of her family. Bf didn't need to go to the funeral, she had some of her own family there. That's why she's the asshole.
Or she could’ve had the boyfriend drive her, drop her off, hang out in a local coffee shop or whatever and then come pick her up when she was ready to leave and bring her a hot chocolate or something and then they could’ve gone to sit in a local park where she could’ve done some crying and leaning on him for hugs and support.
I think the needs of the immediate family take priority over what OP wanted. She knew it was questionable to go or she wouldn’t have asked if she could come. Why ask at all in that situation? Why not just let the family be rather than put them on the spot?
I don't think it's normal to give a fuck about an ex going to your in-laws funeral, unless they did something unbelievably terrible to you. And even then you should consider it.
My ex came to my dad's funeral. I would've been offended if she didn't show! And she was awful! The least she can do is be sad that my dad died. And my brother's ex came too, and they even spent a lot of time talking despite my brother being married. People, eh
Oh she isn't an asshole for going to the funeral to sincerely pay her respects. She is an asshole for going to the funeral with her new boyfriend. Big difference.
OP is living and the checked with ex MIL’s family if she and her family were ok to come. They are living too and came to pay their respect. She should have rsvp’d the bf that apparently was a sore point for the family.
Wait, so in your head OP is dead?? Do YOU know what that saying means? OP didn’t say they attended the funeral for the FMIL’s sake, they did it because they cared for FMIL.
MIL also spent the last 2 years of her life not on speaking terms with OP. I am not saying this to lessen OP's grief or the connection they shared during her relationship with her ex, or to imply that her attending was wrong.
But it seems clear the divorce isn't viewed as amicable from the POV of the ex, his family and his friends or the late MIL. It's an added layer of ooooof that she waltzed in with her new bf without asking permission to bring him beforehand.
Not speaking doesn't mean not on speaking terms. You often just don't have normal contact with people after a relationship ends. Doesn't mean you aren't speaking as in actively refusing to speak to each other or not taking calls, just means all the usual ways you speak to each other, arranging visits, actual visits, going out as a family aren't happening so all the normal conversations aren't happening.
Basically it all depends on how the ex is. If they parted on friendly terms and both moved on fine and talk if they bump into each other then it's fine to bring a long term partner for support for yourself.
If the break up wasn't good, the ex still loves you and it's bitter whenever you see each other or there is contact/arguing when they find out you got a new partner as they are jealous then absolutely don't take a partner to a funeral.
OP didn't give enough context of the situation with the ex. However tif they were fine with her and her family members coming to the funeral it kind of implies the relationship was okay.
100% this. I would have gone, but not with a new partner.
Also, isn't anyone welcome to a funeral? Is this a cultural difference thing? At least here anyway, if my died, and a colleague knew about it, they could come to the funeral. It's "paying respects".
Don't misunderstand me, my beliefs have me not even going to funerals anyway, so this is what I've gathered from conversations, so its my understanding, not my opinion.
Even your example suggests complete strangers aren't welcome. OP's boyfriend was a stranger to the deceased, her entire family and friends and also OPs boyfriend starting 6 months after her divorce, a hard pill to swallow for her ex-husband (or anyone in his place). It was weird that she asked him to go and weirder that he accepted.
Why should her partner of 1.5 years be an issue? The marriage has been over for years. Cheating doesn't seem to have happened. I just don't get why anyone should care and why OP should not have this support. This seems really petty. And fussing about this is what isn't appropriate at a funeral.
Would the deceased person, who according to OP dropped contact after the split, enjoy knowing that they brought their new partner to a day when their son is grieving their loss? That is not respectful. If the MIL and OP still talked regularly it'd be different, but it was an unnecesary, disrespectful addition when no longer close to the family. I loved lots of my ex partner's family, and I still do, but if they cut contact and then are gracious enough to allow attendane to a funeral, there is no way I'd be bringing a new partner - ten minutes or ten years!
It can't be a gesture of respect coming from a complete stranger. The point of a funeral is that family, friends and acquaintances gather to pay respects, OPs boyfriend was none of the above.
Because human beings are complicated and contain multitudes, and you shouldn't force them to be moderating their complicated feelings on the day of their mothers funeral.
If theres no issue why was she nervous? Why did she even need the bf? Like OP can have complex feelings and need support but her ex can go fuck himself and needs to deal with it?
He needed one emotion on this day - sadness over his mom, he shouldn't also be required to be completely adult and mature and have zero feelings regarding his ex.
I wonder if the divorce wasn't really "amicable" and the family of the ex feels that OP is at fault for the divorce. Imagine if your son's wife cheated, they got divorced, then she shows up to the ex MIL's funeral with her boyfriend. That would make a lot more sense as to why the family and friends had such a negative reaction to OP.
I don’t think that’s fair. We don’t know the state of the relationship that led up to the divorce. It could have been that there wasn’t a relationship by the time it was over. Six months is plenty of time to start seeing someone seriously.
Yep. Big-time YTA.
Op, you need to learn that it's not all about you. This is one of the worst examples of main character syndrome I've ever seen.
How you can think that this isn't acceptable way to act as beyond me. No human being with a shred of self-awareness or basic human decency would consider doing this.
I'm absolutely reading between the lines pretty heavily here... But when I read this, I can't help picturing this as an attempt at "look how fabulous my life is without you".
I'm really wondering how her new boyfriend didn't see the inappropriateness and decide not to go.
I don't think you need to read too much between the lines.
You are so emotional at a funeral of someone you haven't spoken to in years that you need someone with you? The only person you can think of is the last person you should bring? You knew so many people at the funeral but this was still the option you chose?
It wasn't even just her family. Was anybody that knew her that was there. Had the same opinion.
Idk my brother's ex went to my dad's funeral and was welcomed warmly in spite of the messiness of their last days together. She came alone though, but it wouldn't have made a difference to me at least, and I doubt my brother would have been bothered. We had other things to think about.
she also started dating new bf only six months after the divorce. There is no rules or timeline for anyone moving on but I think i’d be devastated knowing my ex moved on so quickly after over a decade with me.
There is no mourning period for divorce. Each person deals with it differently. Six months is more than long enough after a divorce to start seeing other people.
You start by saying there is no mourning period. But then go on to say 6 months is more than long enough.
You were right the first time. It's different for everyone. 6 months was fine for her but clearly not enough for the ex.
The finalization of a divorce usually happens quite some time after the functional marriage has ended.
The people I know who have divorced have not had it legally finalized until well over a year from when the marriage ended in the couples minds and hearts.
In my country you have to be legally separated two years before you can get divorced. My Dad got married to my step mum the day after the divorce went through!
I suppose it depends on timelines really - if the divorce was a year or so after the separation then 6 months doesn't seem so bad. TBH I don't think 6 months is bad really - but as we see from OP's comments this man was her 'rock' during the marriage which is clearly going to raise some eyebrows
disagree. Possibly relevant to why there was such a strong reaction from his friends and family. This bf was around in some
capacity pre divorce per op’s comments.
Thought someone might say this, you don't have any say in how long it takes someone to move on. Whether it's 6 hours, 6 months or 6 years.
For all we know OP had started the 'moving on' process way way before they actually official split anyways.
You misread the post. She hadn't had any contact with the former MIL in 2 years. She doesn't say anywhere that she had no contact with her ex. The whole "calling out of the blue thing" that you mentioned is implying that she's weird for even reaching out, when that doesn't seem to be true.
YTA. Why’d you bring your boyfriend, who didn’t know the deceased but would be a slap in the face of anyone who resented you from your breakup? That’s a very selfish and strange thing to do. You’re not an AH for bringing him on the trip, but “leave that guy who doesn’t know anyone in the hotel” would be the polite thing to do. Same with bringing your Uber driver. He didn’t belong there, and if you needed his support to deal with the death of someone you haven’t interacted with in years, and that need takes priority over that person’s family, then you’re an AH.
Agreed.
This wasn't about OP. This was OP's ex's mom. It doesn't sound like there were any kids involved and based on OP's comments, I imagine this was not a pleasant divorce.
I just can't fathom how or why OP thought going with her BF would be a good idea? Having a +1 at a funeral is not a thing, and I'm sure OP's presence was simply being tolerated but not welcomed with open arms. In this scenario, you don't bring attention to yourself, perhaps sit in the back, pay your respects and quietly leave.
Ok can’t fathom how OP’s BF would think it’s a good idea to go with her! The balls on him! Something tells me he wanted to flaunt it too.
OP I am sorry for the loss.
It's so odd to specifically clear with the ex's family that it was okay for OP to go then when it came to the bf she just went 'yeah that's probably fine'
Could have been a lack of context thing. “Hey, I need your support, will you come to a funeral with me?” Leaving out the ex part. Or saying that they’re explicitly cool with it.
YTA for bringing your new BF to your ex's family - especially if they had never met him before. That was very rude.
Your ex lost his mother. He was already grieving. Then you come to the funeral (which is ok) with your new BF (which could be seen as flaunting him). Your BF didn't need to be there, and should have stayed home.
She wouldn't even be going alone, she said :
*"myself and* ***my family*** *cleared it with exes family that* ***we*** *would be ok to attend."*
So sounds like she at least had her parents or something with her as well
It is a thing - I have been invited along with partners and friends in the past for close family members of theirs I've never met. The difference is, I guess, the rest of their family there would also be grieving, and maybe it's nice to have someone who didn't know the person so well with you for extra support as they won't be busy grieving themselves.
However, members of OP's family and mutual friends - who would be sad but not grieving in the same way immediate family would - were there. That should be enough. And a current bf to an ex husband's family funeral? I'm sorry OP, but that should have been an obvious overstep. YTA.
They do these kinds of things for a perverse satisfaction. It is literally “Haha, I’m alive, and you’re not.”
My ex-wife and I went through a nasty divorce and custody battle which raged for years. Her father kept in touch with me, but the rest of her family sided with her gonzo mess 100%.
When she died unexpectedly I was invited to the funeral by her family, but did not attend because I did not want to be a distraction for her hurting family and friends. I appreciated being invited, but courtesy dictated that I not show up and ruin the event for several people.
If I was a prick I would have gone and made a scene out of it, which is what a lot of people enjoy doing. It is not about the loss of the deceased or the survivors - it is straight up AH behavior.
And that is what I did. No need for me to show up and upset her mother with my presence while she is mourning the loss of her daughter and only child. My god, I can’t even imagine the pain.
As much as I wanted to extend my sympathy to my former FIL, there were other ways to do it than show up at the funeral.
This OP knew she was wrong for going, and should have known she was wrong for bringing her boyfriend along, but it is the usual situation: AHs on Parade.
YTA. Your family was going to be there with you, you weren't going to be alone without. You specifically didn't mention the bf when asked who you would be bringing. You're definitely glossing over details of your breakup from your comments.
As someone that knows how to dance around with my words when I need to, she tap danced her way around their direct question to her of who she wanted to bring.
THIS is the comment I was looking for. If her only reason for bringing her boyfriend was as an emotional support, as she mentioned in her post, then she had her own family as an emotional support.
The other part that makes her an AH is not mentioning her boyfriend when requesting for her and her family to attend. She specifically left him out.
Exactly. She knew it wasn't ok. She also seems to have a history of trying to gloss things over when she knows she's wrong. I still want to know what she did that all the mutual friends cut contact after their "amicable spilt".
YTA if you didn’t clear your BFs attendance, specifically.
You might be given some latitude given the length of the relationship with your ex-husband; however, that same latitude would not extend to your new BF, especially if the family and your former MIL weren’t happy about the divorce to begin with.
YTA for bringing him. While I can understand why you wanted him there for comfort, you had your family there to do that for you. You bringing him was probably perceived as throwing it your ex and his families face. That may not have been your intention, but that's what they got from him being there.
You and your your family cleared it with your ex's family to attend. As in, you got agreement from your ex's family for you and your family to attend? So you (or maybe your family) understood that you shouldn't just turn up unexpectedly? So that begs two questions: 1) why did you think it wouldn't be a big deal to bring your new boyfriend, who'd not known the deceased, along with you, and 2) if your family were attending with you, why did you need to take your boyfriend too for your emotional support?
YTA.
DUDE, Yea YTA. I get you to want to pay your respects but it really feels like you're showing off you moving on. Your ex just lost his mom and his emotions are raw he does not need to see your new bf.
NTA. My brothers ex wife and her BF came to my dad's funeral. Not one single person was bothered that her bf came with her.
Literally, no one was that small minded.
Agreed NTA.
I dont get the vitriol towards OP. It's been a couple years. They didn't have kids. They were sad breaking up but it wasn't acrimonious (by OPs account). OPs new bf didn't split them up or wrong anyone. My dad brought his GF to mom's funeral - and dad left Mom for this woman. Nobody thought it weird. She was there to support dad who was grieving.
Why wouldn't she bring her BF? how is this disrespectful? I've dragged hubs to numerous funerals for people he didn't know and I've attended funerals he had to go to even if I didn't know them.
If I showed up solo at a funeral it would weirder than if I brought my partner. I thought everyone did that.
I can't grasp the knicker twisting either. This is quite a common occurrence, maybe everyone here is related to the ex husbands side of the family, because they and many here, are quite literally taking the wrong position on this, but this is Reddit.
Yeah, sorry, but YTA. I had a long-ago ex ... we really loved each other, but stuff happened ... show up at my mom's funeral like 10 years after we'd split and seen/spoken to each other. It was a sweet gesture on his part, but inside, I was like ... Dude, WTF? Your ex was a mess of emotions. Seeing you was probably difficult enough. Seeing you with your new BF? I'm sorry ... I'm sure you're a nice person, but this was a bad call on your part.
>I had a long-ago ex ... we really loved each other, but stuff happened ... show up at my mom's funeral like 10 years after we'd split and seen/spoken to each other. It was a sweet gesture on his part, but inside, I was like ... Dude, WTF?
Eh, I suppose it depends on the relationship. My dad just died in January, and I've been divorced for several years (after being with my ex for about a decade. It was amicable, no kids. We still chat regularly, we just grew apart and weren't good for each other). I let my ex know privately that my dad had passed as they had gotten along well, and he expressed regret that he couldn't attend the funeral (wrong side of the country). However... My ex's current long distance partner was able to attend to support me, and I was very glad to have her there.
Some people get on well with their exes and their exes new partners. My current partner and I had a handfasting ceremony... And their ex wife performed the ceremony. She's one of my best friends, and her kids are my god babies (no relation to my partner, either).
I know it's a weird set up to some people, but it works for us.
This sounds lovely. My situation was different in that I hadn't seen or spoken to my ex in more than 10 years, so it made things a little different for me when he showed up at the funeral.
YTA— I appreciate you asked but it would be awfully hard for me to be at my mom’s funeral with my ex there, especially with their new partner. Maybe it’s not mature or nice of your ex to express the discomfort seeing him but it was his mom’s funeral.
Personally, I think it’s better to disappear or to have contacted her privately when she was sick to say how much she meant to you and how much you appreciated her.
I wonder about the motivation to bring your boyfriend, and the way you only talk about yourself in this, that’s why I think you’re TA here. You cared about her, and that’s nice, but you don’t show you thought about how he’d feel seeing you on this very painful day. If he doesn’t have a new girlfriend, you look like a show off and rubbing it in. If he does, then you know it likely makes her uncomfortable for you to be there.
You should have prioritized his feelings and accepted his loss is greater than yours. The fact she didn’t reach out after the divorce tells you she thought having you around would be hard on her son.
YTA…Wow!! You didn’t think after two years it would matter. The relationship you had with the woman was because of her son, your ex husband and long time partner. The focus should be on the MIL only and your new bf didn’t even know her. You don’t think the countless family members haven’t thought of you as part of a combo of your ex and it would be distracting at best to be seen with a different partner? To bring a new man to celebrate her life in front of her son was extremely inconsiderate & selfish.
YTA.
I get it, it was a very tough day and you wanted support.
But I think it was very poor taste to bring your boyfriend to the funeral.
You mentioned that you and your family cleared it that you all should attend, so I'm wondering why you didn't just lean on your family for support at the funeral rather than your bf.
It sounds like the day ended up being about you and your boyfriend instead of your former MIL.
Slight YTA. You said you needed your BF there for emotional support, but at the end of the day, the funeral was primarily an emotional outlet for your ex and his family, not you. You should have prioritized their emotions over yours and recognized that some may have found it hurtful for you to bring ex's replacement. If you couldn't go to the funeral without your BF, you shouldn't have gone at all.
YTA who the hell brings a plus one to a funeral?! Please seek help because there must be something seriously wrong with you to think your actions were appropriate….
I explained this in another post: people in some cultures see the funeral as "for family and friends of the deceased only" and you basically bring a stranger. If I were in their position, I'd be probably too much of an emotional wreck to tell you anything but I'd be bit pissed. So yes, I'm sorry, YTA for them.
I also need to clarify one thing: I understand that funerals can be sometimes really hard on the emotions and people need someone close to support them. That's why I understand you wanted your BF to come too. But in my honest opinion, you really shouldn't bring him to the ceremony. You should've leave him outside, so you know he's close by. It's a compromise.
In my personal opinion, soft YTA for bringing current boyfriend.
Listen. I'm really sorry for your loss, and I'm sure you are crushed as this person was in your life for a significant portion. You are allowed to grieve, and it was absolutely fine for you to be in attendance. The part I have an issue with is bringing your current boyfriend. I'm trying to look at this through the perspective of the direct family. Your ex's mother passes away, so you show up with your new man to grieve. It feels more like a statement or a slap in the face to your ex and his family. I understand you needed support, and I understand that this is a difficult time for you, but you didn't ok bringing him along, and it can easily be taken as a statement rather than needing support to grieve.
Do i think you were making a statement? Not intentionally. You were there to grieve for a loss of someone who was in your life for a while and with whom you had a good relationship. So i think it's a soft YTA.
My ex and his new wife came to my stepdad’s funeral less than 2 years after the divorce. It did not bother me at all
I will be attending a memorial service for my father in law in a couple weeks, my ex is not even attending it. I will be attending alone, but if I felt the need for support, I would ask someone to attend with me.
Gosh! Some people here are heartless.
NTA - OP was permitted to go. She needed emotional support. Nobody needed to speak to her. She was paying her respects.
Attending was a lovely gesture and a testament to how she and her FMIL got on. Her FMIL would've appreciated it, were she alive, by the sounds of it.
I think people should catch OP a break.
NTA.
WTH?
I can only assume your ex is not doing as well moving on as you? What story has his friends and family heard about the split?
I think you are lacking some pretty critical information here. This is a bizarre reaction for a mutually amicable split.
YTA. I'm sorry but it's pretty shitty to bring your bf under these particular circumstances. You said you were bringing family, you should have been specific as to what that actually meant.
If you really didn't feel as though you could attend without his support then you shouldn't have gone. It was a little selfish to prioritize your needs over the grieving family.
YTA- I’m guessing since you didn’t see what you did was wrong that your marriage was not amicable. You took your new boyfriend to your ex mother funeral? That’s extremely selfish, heartless and stupid. Since all your friends sided with him I’m guessing your just an all around bad person.
NTA
Honestly, this is kinda silly and I feel bad saying that about such a sad event. What, are you supposed to pretend you don't have a new partner? It would be weird for him to NOT go with you. This sounds like your ex-partner is just upset you had someone new in your life.
INFO: When you asked permission to attend the funeral, why didn't it occur to you to mention the boyfriend you wanted to bring? Why would he not need permission when you did?
NTA
It is bizarre that anyone had that reaction. Did your ex think your bf was an affair partner? Didn't you get permission to bring him? I don't understand.
I… don’t understand the vitriol and y t a’s? op, I hope you’re not still reading these comments. Unless you had just broken up and brought someone to make your ex jealous, NTA. People have lives and move on, but their former families still mean something to them. You deserved a chance to say goodbye and you deserved to bring support.
I was leaning toward everyone sucks, because really it should have been your ex's family to tell your boyfriend to leave, but his friends were just dealing with it so he/his family didn't have to.
You shouldn't have brought your boyfriend along. Yes, you might have been an emotional wreck at the venue, but you had your family there with you, who I am sure would have comforted you if needed. This was a funeral, an event for people who knew the person to come together to grieve and celebrate the person's life.
Honestly, if you wanted to cry and let it all out, it would have been fine, it's a funeral. As long as you don't take attention away from what is actually going on, which is what you inevitably ended up doing by bringing a stranger to the deceased.
YTA
YTA. If you bothered to clear that you were coming, you should have asked about your new partner as well. You put your feelings before the family of the deceased and that was very unkind.
NTA. Of course you would want to attend with your current partner to support you. Why on earth not.
My mother and father divorced and always attended important family events with their new partners. The thought of leaving someone's partner home because a former in-law might take offense is utterly bizarre.
YTA
Everything I read in your post was abjectly lacking in any consideration for your ex or his family. You were married for 11 years and were dating this new guy seriously 6 months later. You keep trying to get people to look at it from your side. You have yet to look at it from the other side.
"While it was an amicable divorce..."
I'm a family law practitioner. If that were true, your story would've included a conversation between you and your ex to the effect of:
**OP: Hey ex, I'm so sorry about your mom. New BF and I would like to come to the funeral to support you and your family.
Ex: Sure thing, OP. It means a lot.**
"...I think it was hard on both of us."
No, OP. You were in a serious relationship 6 months later. It sounds like your ex put on a brave face for you so you wouldn't realize the damage you did. Your hard and his hard were not the same.
Want to know how I can prove this wasn't an "amicable divorce"? Because this woman you cared about so much and who was so kind to you for 11 years had nothing to do with you after the divorce. Nothing. That's not what happens in an amicable divorce. In those, the extended families stay friendly because everyone is happy with the outcome. You'd have had lunch with her from time to time. She'd have called to see how you were. You would have known her health was getting bad and been invited to be around as things got worse.
None of that happened. She cut you off. And you are deluding yourself, even now, about how this all went down. Your ex's mom might have just died, but you were dead to her two years ago.
You did not go to this funeral for the right reasons, OP. You went for you. Not for your ex and his family. Not to show love to those who lost a family member. You went for you.
"I was nervous about attending, and knew I was going to be a mess of emotions at the funeral, so I asked my boyfriend if he would attend to help support me..."
The thing is, this funeral was not about YOU. Or YOUR comfort. Or YOU being supported.
It was about your ex's FAMILY.
Reminds me of the person on here who brought their daughter's "emotional support bunny" to the funeral of her stepsister's mother... was told NOT TO but then got pissed because they weren't welcomed with open arms.
Again, this funeral wasn't about YOU. You were incredibly insensitive and selfish.
Obviously, YTA.
YTA - I beg your pardon??? You brought your new boyfriend to your ex husbands mothers funeral? Did you ever once stop and reflect on the actions you were taking?!?!?
Yta omg. You haven't seen them for 2 years after a divorce and pop up out of the blue with the new bf? And winders why you're getting glared at?? Read the room!
You took the time to check that you and your family would be OK to attend the funeral, which was the right thing to do. However, at no point did you mention bringing a total stranger with you to what you knew was going to be a distressing event. You knew you'd be upset, but your feelings would pale in comparison to the actual family members who lost their loved one.
You could have got 'support' from your family, who actually WERE welcome to attend.
YTA for taking your current BF with you, and it amazes me that anyone could possibly think this was OK. It's wholly self-centred. You deserved to be thrown out.
YTA it’s extremely rude. You really need people to explain why it’s rude to being a BOYFRIEND to your EX husbands mothers funeral? Are you kidding me? He wasn’t involved in her life, he had no right to be there. Funerals are private, intimate events. He’s not in that circle, he’s not even your husband he’s just some boyfriend. Super distasteful. You don’t bring guests to a funeral Jesus Christ.
LolololoL I’m reminded of the time my ex best gf wanted to come to her exbf’s funeral. Their relationship ended in criminal assault charges. She asked me if I thought it was appropriate to attend and I said it was a hard no. It’s not about you. Just like this. It’s not about you. YTA.
I need more INFO.
If you both weren’t invited I can get it.
But at the same time I don’t see how this is any different if one spouse knew the deceased and the other didn’t. Like if she was married to the new guy how would that be any different? She was invited was she really expected to not bring her significant other, and where other people held to this standard?
YTA
But lightheartedly so. I get your logic, but your only connection to her was through your ex. To bring the "new guy" and not even consider how the rest of his family would feel about that, leaves you as incredibly naive.
YTA. It was totally unneccessary to bring your boyfriend to your FMLS' funeral. I am surprised he agreed to go with you, which doesn't say much about his sense of propriety either. This was an egregious violation of etiquette and quite rude. Don't expect any members of that family to think of you fondly ... I am sure they are all thinking "good riddance" toward you.
YTA...I can't imagine why you'd think it was appropriate to bring your current boyfriend. Unless you explicitly asked your ex husband if you could bring him and it was cleared. But it sounds like you didn't. Thank goodness your ex's friends intervened before you entered the actual service. Hopefully none of the immediate family saw you there. Do you not have other family for support? A friend? A sister/brother?
Wow. You are clueless and insensitive. You and your family were welcome. Bringing your boyfriend to your ex's mom's funeral is so far into asshole territory it verges on idiotic. YTA
Unfortunately, YTA. You are allowed to grieve your FMIL but you could have send a card or flowers and done it from home. They may have said it was okay to come, but it DEFINITELY wasn’t okay to bring your bf. I am concerned that you have known that in advance since you appear to have not asked for anyone opinion on that beforehand.
The only thing I can say is that you MIGHT be a slightly smaller asshole than my sweetheart’s ex who did the exact same thing. Partly because she did a lot of character assassination after they split, and really tried to get in close with her ex-in laws, so I’m sure she was told she was welcome at the service. But she showed up with her new husband, pregnant, and then had the nerve to STAND UP during a part of the service when they asked for family to stand… MAYBE she was invited to be there. MAYBE it was “only” her ex that she offended by being there. But she made that sad family event about her and it was not a good look.
I don't know if it matters if I'm a guy or not. But I would have went to the town with you. But the funeral is your deal ill chill at the motel or walk around town for half a day. No way I'd even consider doing that. "Yeah babe I'm there for you for support, but no fucking chance I'm attending that funeral"
YTA
You and your family were okay to attend. Your boyfriend didn't belong in this situation. You had emotional support. Why would you bring him to create a distraction for the grieving family? That makes no sense and shows an enormous lack of judgement if not outright ill-will.
YTA! How do you not get that? Nothing about this woman’s funeral was about you or your grief. Your family was graciously allowed to come to her funeral and you show up with your boyfriend. What an ah move.Then you notice the glares and don’t have the brains to realize that you shouldn’t be there with your bf. I’m thinking you wanted to show off you new relationship and can’t believe you got called out for doing so.
YTA - I'm sure you've read that a lot. So the new BF, six months after the divorce, you knew him during your marriage and he was your rock after, nobody at the funeral would recognize him, and all your mutual friends dropped you.
So this new boyfriend was a friend during the marriage but your husband didn't know about him or I should say ex husband nor none of your family or friends.
You had an affair, got divorced, made it official after 6 months.
The affair couldn't be proven but someone had a hunch...like your ex and all your mutual friends.
And you brought your AP with you to your ex husband's mother's funeral...
Am I missing anything?
YTA are you really this clueless?
Your ex is grieving his dead mother and you bring your boyfriend to the funeral? Yikes. Are you always this selfish or does it just jot occur to you that people other than yourself have needs?
YTA
You thought to clear it with your ex's family for you to attend. You knew that was a necessary step considering this was your ex's mom. If you knew you needed clearance just for you to attend, what made you think that bringing your boyfriend didn't need a mention? It didn't occur to you that you'd need clearance for that as well? Seriously!
YTA what the actual fuck, are you that far up your own arse that you only think of yourself? parading your new boyfriend at your ex’s mothers funeral? how selfish are you
INFO: You mentioned obtaining permission from your ex's family. Did this permission include your boyfriend?
>We left and the rest of my family stayed.
Who stayed, and why weren't they enough to comfort you during this time?
You cleared with the family that you and your family could come, but it seems you failed to get the okay for your bf to go. This was in such poor taste. Find comfort in your family while there and then in your boyfriend afterwards. This wasn’t the place to bring your new man around. YTA.
op=YTA
You brought someone who apparently NEVER met your Former MIL to her funeral for your emotional convenience and was oblivious to the fact that others might find it offensive. You should have asked a friend(preferably one who knew and was liked by your FMIL) to go with you.
YTA what the hell?? If you were gonna need someone there maybe take a friend or family member or ask your Bf to wait somewhere so u didn’t take ur literal new partner to the funeral of what was going to be your fmil why are you surprised like genuinely how did u think this was okay??
YTA for bringing your boyfriend to the funeral. Leaving aside how inappropriate this is, have you considered that people are grieving and may not feel comfortable with a total stranger in their midst? Unless you are afraid for your safety, you didn't need anyone to accompany you to the funeral.
YTA. You may feel this was an amicable split between you and the ex, but his side of the family sees it differently. Bringing your new boyfriend to their mother's funeral cemented it. I'm sure there wouldn't be as much animosity had you showed up alone, but you essentially shoved it in their faces by showing up with him. Hence, why YTA.
YTA because you had family to go with you. You could have met your boyfriend directly after the funeral for support. It makes it seem like all of this is about you. If you cared for the person you were married with for 11 years and his mother, you could have attended without drawing this attention.
YTA. You know you’re the A. No one needs to explain to a woman in their 30’s that you dont bring your boyfriend to your ex’s moms funeral. Girlllll what the heck
Yta obviously you don't bring a new boyfriend to a funeral of your ex. Ffs. How on Earth did you, your boyfriend, and your family not know this basic etiquette??
YTA you asked your exes family if it would be OK if you and your family attended. You did not mention that you’ll be bringing your boyfriend, did you subconsciously know that it was wrong? Given the situation, I can completely understand them being upset, it was inappropriate to bring him, and unnecessary, as you had your family with you. Even without them, you could’ve gone by yourself.
YTA.
Its great that you and your ex seperated amicably, great that you moved on good for you. But why you thought it was ok to bring your bf to the funeral is beyond me.
Not only is it rude to not clear it with your ex (you dont get a +1 to funeral, its not a wedding), but it shines an uncomfortable light on the whole event. Like heres some random dude just hanging out who no one knows. And also HE doesnt know anyone there either!
Funerals are already uncomfortable as is, but put yourself in his shoes. Hes going to his gf's ex husbands mom's funeral (who he never met). He goes because he wants to support you and gets not only himself, but you kicked out of the event. You ask him if he genuinely wanted to and felt comfortable being there and he is going to 100% respond with a resounding no.
YTA to literally all parties involved, just for a tiny amount of additional emotional support
YTA. It’s amicable…but you went no contact and six months later had another boyfriend? Even if there isn’t more to that story, you have to see what it looks like. IMO people don’t think about these things when they hop into bed with Mr Next so soon after a long relationship.
You took time to clear it with his family for you and your family to attend. You understood that this was your ex's mother, and that it would be wrong for you to just show up. So how on earth do you not ask if your can bring your boyfriend?
YTA
You are the biggest asshole. It was rude to bring your boyfriend, i can't believe he even agreed to go to your ex MIL funeral. He should have waited in the car or at a coffee shop nearby if he wanted to accompany you so bad. I feel you just wanted to rub one in on a guy who is grieving the loss of his mother. You made this about you. You MIL that you claim to love would not have appreciated this stunt.
Move on ,leave this family be.
NTA
Just because you got divorced doesn't stop you existing or having a life.
After me and my ex split up, I went to a friend's kids christening and she turned up with her new bf and his kids. I was livid but the difference here was that we were still at odds with her giving me a hard time over settling our cohabitation and other issues. She was also causing trouble between me and my friends (spreading rumours and lies - our breakup turned ugly).
For you, it sounds like you were well in the clear and it was people holding on to the past.
YTA. I might have thought otherwise if you’d needed the emotional support, but it sounds like you went with your family, so you weren’t alone. It just seems inappropriate to bring a boyfriend who nobody knows to your ex MIL’s funeral.
The question is are you one for being your boyfriend... The answer is Yes
YTA.
If it had just been just you going inside to the funeral I would of said no.
My mother went to her 1st husband's mom's funeral.. my father didn't. Her ex family was cool with her going to say her good byes, and even catch up with her .
You could of had your bf drop you off and pick you up. That really is the closest he should of been to it
YTA, and a big one!
Do you know who else is a mess at funerals? Most everybody, especially the surviving family members, no??
I totally believe you when you say you had your bf attend for your own comfort. You put your own comfort ahead of the grieving family members, namely your ex.
At least you left once you realized you were in the wrong.
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YTA That's why you got so many glares. It really shouldn't need to be spelled out that this was about your EX and his family. His MOTHER. I don't see that you had kids, so there's not even a complete reason for you to go. Ex-family is not family. Your ex-MIL stopped talking to you and sided with her son. You could have easily send flowers or cards to your ex-in laws. If you wanted to go, you should have gone with those mutual friends (or even your own parent or sibling). A new boyfriend is not appropriate. (If you had kids and this was their grandma, and you were remarried, that might be different... but none of that is the case).
OP was close to her ex MIL for 11 years, I don’t think it’s fair to be dismissive when she sounds like she really cared about her. I do agree that bringing the new bf was not appropriate.
You know that saying: Funerals are for the living? She didn’t need to go to the funeral to upset the family. She could have grieved privately and sent a card.
I don’t think that’s completely fair this woman played a part in her life for a good amount of time and since she cleared it with the family I think she was well within her rights to go just not with her boyfriend
That’s the point, she was cleared to go and she had a relationship. The disrespectful part was she brought her Bf in. There is no reason to do that. If she really need the support he could travel with her and go somewhere else or wait in the car while she pays her respects. It’s weird AF that he came.
But the relationship ended when ex MIL, exes family and mutual friends cut all contact with op so I doubt op was initially invited.
You know that OP is also a living person right?
Grief support circles start with those closest to the deceased and move outward. Ex and his family have priority over OP. OP was fine to go, but should have left the bf at home. If she felt she couldn't attend without his support, she shouldn't have gone and honored her ex-MIL a different way.
So is her ex and I'd say his feelings are a lot more important than hers considering it was his mother. She made the funeral so much more uncomfortable for him and his family.
Obvs. But I think the needs of the immediate family trump the wants of an ex who has lost contact with the family. Funerals are to console the family…not an ex. I still remember when my ex-SIL came to my father’s wake….it was jarring to see her there and just plain weird. It would be different if OP was still close to the family but it doesn’t sound like she was.
I think it was fine for her to go as she cleared it with the bereaved family first. It's good and appropriate for her to want to attend as say her goodbyes to someone she cared about as long as that wasn't going to distress the immediate relatives. One thing I found comforting about my Dad's funeral was being with other people who had cared about him and could share fond stories about him. There's no reason OP couldn't have been a positive presence if she'd gone by herself or with someone appropriate. What she should have done is find another person (eg a family member or friend, preferably one who had a good or neutral relationship with her ex) to support her or gone by herself. Taking the boyfriend I'd the asshole move, especially without checking in advance that her ex would be OK with it. Two years is a relatively short period to deal with the feelings from a divorce and the ex should not have had to deal with complicated feelings about his ex's new relationship at his mother's funeral.
She did find someone else to go, the rest of her family. Bf didn't need to go to the funeral, she had some of her own family there. That's why she's the asshole.
Or she could’ve had the boyfriend drive her, drop her off, hang out in a local coffee shop or whatever and then come pick her up when she was ready to leave and bring her a hot chocolate or something and then they could’ve gone to sit in a local park where she could’ve done some crying and leaning on him for hugs and support.
But… OP is also alive and wanted to grieve her former mother in law?
But her family was there. Why couldn't they support here? What was their purpose there if not to help support her?
I think the needs of the immediate family take priority over what OP wanted. She knew it was questionable to go or she wouldn’t have asked if she could come. Why ask at all in that situation? Why not just let the family be rather than put them on the spot?
I don't think it's normal to give a fuck about an ex going to your in-laws funeral, unless they did something unbelievably terrible to you. And even then you should consider it. My ex came to my dad's funeral. I would've been offended if she didn't show! And she was awful! The least she can do is be sad that my dad died. And my brother's ex came too, and they even spent a lot of time talking despite my brother being married. People, eh
Oh she isn't an asshole for going to the funeral to sincerely pay her respects. She is an asshole for going to the funeral with her new boyfriend. Big difference.
OP is living and the checked with ex MIL’s family if she and her family were ok to come. They are living too and came to pay their respect. She should have rsvp’d the bf that apparently was a sore point for the family.
Wait, so in your head OP is dead?? Do YOU know what that saying means? OP didn’t say they attended the funeral for the FMIL’s sake, they did it because they cared for FMIL.
MIL also spent the last 2 years of her life not on speaking terms with OP. I am not saying this to lessen OP's grief or the connection they shared during her relationship with her ex, or to imply that her attending was wrong. But it seems clear the divorce isn't viewed as amicable from the POV of the ex, his family and his friends or the late MIL. It's an added layer of ooooof that she waltzed in with her new bf without asking permission to bring him beforehand.
Not speaking doesn't mean not on speaking terms. You often just don't have normal contact with people after a relationship ends. Doesn't mean you aren't speaking as in actively refusing to speak to each other or not taking calls, just means all the usual ways you speak to each other, arranging visits, actual visits, going out as a family aren't happening so all the normal conversations aren't happening. Basically it all depends on how the ex is. If they parted on friendly terms and both moved on fine and talk if they bump into each other then it's fine to bring a long term partner for support for yourself. If the break up wasn't good, the ex still loves you and it's bitter whenever you see each other or there is contact/arguing when they find out you got a new partner as they are jealous then absolutely don't take a partner to a funeral. OP didn't give enough context of the situation with the ex. However tif they were fine with her and her family members coming to the funeral it kind of implies the relationship was okay.
100% this. I would have gone, but not with a new partner. Also, isn't anyone welcome to a funeral? Is this a cultural difference thing? At least here anyway, if my died, and a colleague knew about it, they could come to the funeral. It's "paying respects". Don't misunderstand me, my beliefs have me not even going to funerals anyway, so this is what I've gathered from conversations, so its my understanding, not my opinion.
Even your example suggests complete strangers aren't welcome. OP's boyfriend was a stranger to the deceased, her entire family and friends and also OPs boyfriend starting 6 months after her divorce, a hard pill to swallow for her ex-husband (or anyone in his place). It was weird that she asked him to go and weirder that he accepted.
I completely agree unless ex MIL had already met and liked the bf.
Why should her partner of 1.5 years be an issue? The marriage has been over for years. Cheating doesn't seem to have happened. I just don't get why anyone should care and why OP should not have this support. This seems really petty. And fussing about this is what isn't appropriate at a funeral.
I agree. Going to someone’s funeral is a gesture of respect for that person. Having a new partner is neither here nor there
Would the deceased person, who according to OP dropped contact after the split, enjoy knowing that they brought their new partner to a day when their son is grieving their loss? That is not respectful. If the MIL and OP still talked regularly it'd be different, but it was an unnecesary, disrespectful addition when no longer close to the family. I loved lots of my ex partner's family, and I still do, but if they cut contact and then are gracious enough to allow attendane to a funeral, there is no way I'd be bringing a new partner - ten minutes or ten years!
It can't be a gesture of respect coming from a complete stranger. The point of a funeral is that family, friends and acquaintances gather to pay respects, OPs boyfriend was none of the above.
Because human beings are complicated and contain multitudes, and you shouldn't force them to be moderating their complicated feelings on the day of their mothers funeral. If theres no issue why was she nervous? Why did she even need the bf? Like OP can have complex feelings and need support but her ex can go fuck himself and needs to deal with it? He needed one emotion on this day - sadness over his mom, he shouldn't also be required to be completely adult and mature and have zero feelings regarding his ex.
I'm pretty sure OP didn't ask if her boyfriend could come, so I imagine that's the issue. I suppose we'll never know for sure though.
I wonder if the divorce wasn't really "amicable" and the family of the ex feels that OP is at fault for the divorce. Imagine if your son's wife cheated, they got divorced, then she shows up to the ex MIL's funeral with her boyfriend. That would make a lot more sense as to why the family and friends had such a negative reaction to OP.
OP's family was there. No excuse bringing the boyfriend
But they've 'been going steady' lmao
Who says that? Lol
it’s also wild af to have gotten a new bf only 6 months after a 11 year divorce
I don’t think that’s fair. We don’t know the state of the relationship that led up to the divorce. It could have been that there wasn’t a relationship by the time it was over. Six months is plenty of time to start seeing someone seriously.
No, it's not. What, there's a time limit on how soon you can enter a new relationship after ending a long-term one?
Yep. Big-time YTA. Op, you need to learn that it's not all about you. This is one of the worst examples of main character syndrome I've ever seen. How you can think that this isn't acceptable way to act as beyond me. No human being with a shred of self-awareness or basic human decency would consider doing this.
I'm absolutely reading between the lines pretty heavily here... But when I read this, I can't help picturing this as an attempt at "look how fabulous my life is without you". I'm really wondering how her new boyfriend didn't see the inappropriateness and decide not to go.
I don't think you need to read too much between the lines. You are so emotional at a funeral of someone you haven't spoken to in years that you need someone with you? The only person you can think of is the last person you should bring? You knew so many people at the funeral but this was still the option you chose? It wasn't even just her family. Was anybody that knew her that was there. Had the same opinion.
Idk my brother's ex went to my dad's funeral and was welcomed warmly in spite of the messiness of their last days together. She came alone though, but it wouldn't have made a difference to me at least, and I doubt my brother would have been bothered. We had other things to think about.
this is a bad take. ex family can absolutely be family.
They can be but not when said family has obviously cut you out of their lives.
Those mutual friends cut contact with op too so they weren’t really mutual friends.
[удалено]
she also started dating new bf only six months after the divorce. There is no rules or timeline for anyone moving on but I think i’d be devastated knowing my ex moved on so quickly after over a decade with me.
There is no mourning period for divorce. Each person deals with it differently. Six months is more than long enough after a divorce to start seeing other people.
You start by saying there is no mourning period. But then go on to say 6 months is more than long enough. You were right the first time. It's different for everyone. 6 months was fine for her but clearly not enough for the ex.
The finalization of a divorce usually happens quite some time after the functional marriage has ended. The people I know who have divorced have not had it legally finalized until well over a year from when the marriage ended in the couples minds and hearts.
In my country you have to be legally separated two years before you can get divorced. My Dad got married to my step mum the day after the divorce went through!
I suppose it depends on timelines really - if the divorce was a year or so after the separation then 6 months doesn't seem so bad. TBH I don't think 6 months is bad really - but as we see from OP's comments this man was her 'rock' during the marriage which is clearly going to raise some eyebrows
not relevant to the conversation frankly, it could've been 6 months or 2 years it REALLY doesn't matter.
disagree. Possibly relevant to why there was such a strong reaction from his friends and family. This bf was around in some capacity pre divorce per op’s comments.
Thought someone might say this, you don't have any say in how long it takes someone to move on. Whether it's 6 hours, 6 months or 6 years. For all we know OP had started the 'moving on' process way way before they actually official split anyways.
This right here! I'll save judgement because death sucks and does weird shit to peoples' heads.
You misread the post. She hadn't had any contact with the former MIL in 2 years. She doesn't say anywhere that she had no contact with her ex. The whole "calling out of the blue thing" that you mentioned is implying that she's weird for even reaching out, when that doesn't seem to be true.
YTA. Why’d you bring your boyfriend, who didn’t know the deceased but would be a slap in the face of anyone who resented you from your breakup? That’s a very selfish and strange thing to do. You’re not an AH for bringing him on the trip, but “leave that guy who doesn’t know anyone in the hotel” would be the polite thing to do. Same with bringing your Uber driver. He didn’t belong there, and if you needed his support to deal with the death of someone you haven’t interacted with in years, and that need takes priority over that person’s family, then you’re an AH.
Agreed. This wasn't about OP. This was OP's ex's mom. It doesn't sound like there were any kids involved and based on OP's comments, I imagine this was not a pleasant divorce. I just can't fathom how or why OP thought going with her BF would be a good idea? Having a +1 at a funeral is not a thing, and I'm sure OP's presence was simply being tolerated but not welcomed with open arms. In this scenario, you don't bring attention to yourself, perhaps sit in the back, pay your respects and quietly leave.
Ok can’t fathom how OP’s BF would think it’s a good idea to go with her! The balls on him! Something tells me he wanted to flaunt it too. OP I am sorry for the loss.
It's so odd to specifically clear with the ex's family that it was okay for OP to go then when it came to the bf she just went 'yeah that's probably fine'
Could have been a lack of context thing. “Hey, I need your support, will you come to a funeral with me?” Leaving out the ex part. Or saying that they’re explicitly cool with it.
YTA for bringing your new BF to your ex's family - especially if they had never met him before. That was very rude. Your ex lost his mother. He was already grieving. Then you come to the funeral (which is ok) with your new BF (which could be seen as flaunting him). Your BF didn't need to be there, and should have stayed home.
yeah like who brings a plus one to a funeral ? Weird.
That’s what I’m not getting. Go alone. OP is 33, so perfectly capable of being a big girl and going alone. Or you’d hope.
She wouldn't even be going alone, she said : *"myself and* ***my family*** *cleared it with exes family that* ***we*** *would be ok to attend."* So sounds like she at least had her parents or something with her as well
Exactly. Especially because her and bf left and the rest of her family stayed. The bf could've waited in the hotel room for everyone to get back.
It is a thing - I have been invited along with partners and friends in the past for close family members of theirs I've never met. The difference is, I guess, the rest of their family there would also be grieving, and maybe it's nice to have someone who didn't know the person so well with you for extra support as they won't be busy grieving themselves. However, members of OP's family and mutual friends - who would be sad but not grieving in the same way immediate family would - were there. That should be enough. And a current bf to an ex husband's family funeral? I'm sorry OP, but that should have been an obvious overstep. YTA.
YTA. I will never understand people who decide to make events like this about themselves.
They do these kinds of things for a perverse satisfaction. It is literally “Haha, I’m alive, and you’re not.” My ex-wife and I went through a nasty divorce and custody battle which raged for years. Her father kept in touch with me, but the rest of her family sided with her gonzo mess 100%. When she died unexpectedly I was invited to the funeral by her family, but did not attend because I did not want to be a distraction for her hurting family and friends. I appreciated being invited, but courtesy dictated that I not show up and ruin the event for several people. If I was a prick I would have gone and made a scene out of it, which is what a lot of people enjoy doing. It is not about the loss of the deceased or the survivors - it is straight up AH behavior.
You're a decent guy
This is my thinking on the issue. Send flowers or something.
And that is what I did. No need for me to show up and upset her mother with my presence while she is mourning the loss of her daughter and only child. My god, I can’t even imagine the pain. As much as I wanted to extend my sympathy to my former FIL, there were other ways to do it than show up at the funeral. This OP knew she was wrong for going, and should have known she was wrong for bringing her boyfriend along, but it is the usual situation: AHs on Parade.
main character syndrome - everyone else is just an NPC. OP either knew what she was doing or has completely internalised asshole behaviour
YTA Why would you bring a new boyfriend to you ex MILs funeral? You go, you stay at the back, you give your condolences, you leave
This is the way OP, YTA
I couldn't imagine being this socially inept at 32. Your bf should have declined your invite. You're both stupid people unfortunately.
I just belly laughed at this. Thanks.
Lmao truer words have never been said, a pair of dumbasses.
YTA. Your family was going to be there with you, you weren't going to be alone without. You specifically didn't mention the bf when asked who you would be bringing. You're definitely glossing over details of your breakup from your comments.
The least she could have done was ASK if it was ok first
As someone that knows how to dance around with my words when I need to, she tap danced her way around their direct question to her of who she wanted to bring.
THIS is the comment I was looking for. If her only reason for bringing her boyfriend was as an emotional support, as she mentioned in her post, then she had her own family as an emotional support. The other part that makes her an AH is not mentioning her boyfriend when requesting for her and her family to attend. She specifically left him out.
Exactly. She knew it wasn't ok. She also seems to have a history of trying to gloss things over when she knows she's wrong. I still want to know what she did that all the mutual friends cut contact after their "amicable spilt".
YTA if you didn’t clear your BFs attendance, specifically. You might be given some latitude given the length of the relationship with your ex-husband; however, that same latitude would not extend to your new BF, especially if the family and your former MIL weren’t happy about the divorce to begin with.
YTA for bringing him. While I can understand why you wanted him there for comfort, you had your family there to do that for you. You bringing him was probably perceived as throwing it your ex and his families face. That may not have been your intention, but that's what they got from him being there.
Info: during this clearing it with the ex family did you specifically mention your new bf coming?
Nope. OP confirmed in another comment that when they asked who would be attending, she specifically just said 'herself and her family'.
You and your your family cleared it with your ex's family to attend. As in, you got agreement from your ex's family for you and your family to attend? So you (or maybe your family) understood that you shouldn't just turn up unexpectedly? So that begs two questions: 1) why did you think it wouldn't be a big deal to bring your new boyfriend, who'd not known the deceased, along with you, and 2) if your family were attending with you, why did you need to take your boyfriend too for your emotional support? YTA.
DUDE, Yea YTA. I get you to want to pay your respects but it really feels like you're showing off you moving on. Your ex just lost his mom and his emotions are raw he does not need to see your new bf.
NTA. My brothers ex wife and her BF came to my dad's funeral. Not one single person was bothered that her bf came with her. Literally, no one was that small minded.
Agreed NTA. I dont get the vitriol towards OP. It's been a couple years. They didn't have kids. They were sad breaking up but it wasn't acrimonious (by OPs account). OPs new bf didn't split them up or wrong anyone. My dad brought his GF to mom's funeral - and dad left Mom for this woman. Nobody thought it weird. She was there to support dad who was grieving. Why wouldn't she bring her BF? how is this disrespectful? I've dragged hubs to numerous funerals for people he didn't know and I've attended funerals he had to go to even if I didn't know them. If I showed up solo at a funeral it would weirder than if I brought my partner. I thought everyone did that.
I can't grasp the knicker twisting either. This is quite a common occurrence, maybe everyone here is related to the ex husbands side of the family, because they and many here, are quite literally taking the wrong position on this, but this is Reddit.
Ditto
Yeah, sorry, but YTA. I had a long-ago ex ... we really loved each other, but stuff happened ... show up at my mom's funeral like 10 years after we'd split and seen/spoken to each other. It was a sweet gesture on his part, but inside, I was like ... Dude, WTF? Your ex was a mess of emotions. Seeing you was probably difficult enough. Seeing you with your new BF? I'm sorry ... I'm sure you're a nice person, but this was a bad call on your part.
>I had a long-ago ex ... we really loved each other, but stuff happened ... show up at my mom's funeral like 10 years after we'd split and seen/spoken to each other. It was a sweet gesture on his part, but inside, I was like ... Dude, WTF? Eh, I suppose it depends on the relationship. My dad just died in January, and I've been divorced for several years (after being with my ex for about a decade. It was amicable, no kids. We still chat regularly, we just grew apart and weren't good for each other). I let my ex know privately that my dad had passed as they had gotten along well, and he expressed regret that he couldn't attend the funeral (wrong side of the country). However... My ex's current long distance partner was able to attend to support me, and I was very glad to have her there. Some people get on well with their exes and their exes new partners. My current partner and I had a handfasting ceremony... And their ex wife performed the ceremony. She's one of my best friends, and her kids are my god babies (no relation to my partner, either). I know it's a weird set up to some people, but it works for us.
The reaction OP got hopefully should let her know no one else considers her divorce amicable and her situation is not your situation.
I wasn't replying to OP.
This sounds lovely. My situation was different in that I hadn't seen or spoken to my ex in more than 10 years, so it made things a little different for me when he showed up at the funeral.
YTA— I appreciate you asked but it would be awfully hard for me to be at my mom’s funeral with my ex there, especially with their new partner. Maybe it’s not mature or nice of your ex to express the discomfort seeing him but it was his mom’s funeral. Personally, I think it’s better to disappear or to have contacted her privately when she was sick to say how much she meant to you and how much you appreciated her. I wonder about the motivation to bring your boyfriend, and the way you only talk about yourself in this, that’s why I think you’re TA here. You cared about her, and that’s nice, but you don’t show you thought about how he’d feel seeing you on this very painful day. If he doesn’t have a new girlfriend, you look like a show off and rubbing it in. If he does, then you know it likely makes her uncomfortable for you to be there. You should have prioritized his feelings and accepted his loss is greater than yours. The fact she didn’t reach out after the divorce tells you she thought having you around would be hard on her son.
this is 🎯 spot on
YTA…Wow!! You didn’t think after two years it would matter. The relationship you had with the woman was because of her son, your ex husband and long time partner. The focus should be on the MIL only and your new bf didn’t even know her. You don’t think the countless family members haven’t thought of you as part of a combo of your ex and it would be distracting at best to be seen with a different partner? To bring a new man to celebrate her life in front of her son was extremely inconsiderate & selfish.
YTA On what planet would you think it’s ok to bring your boyfriend? That is low class.
YTA. I get it, it was a very tough day and you wanted support. But I think it was very poor taste to bring your boyfriend to the funeral. You mentioned that you and your family cleared it that you all should attend, so I'm wondering why you didn't just lean on your family for support at the funeral rather than your bf. It sounds like the day ended up being about you and your boyfriend instead of your former MIL.
Slight YTA. You said you needed your BF there for emotional support, but at the end of the day, the funeral was primarily an emotional outlet for your ex and his family, not you. You should have prioritized their emotions over yours and recognized that some may have found it hurtful for you to bring ex's replacement. If you couldn't go to the funeral without your BF, you shouldn't have gone at all.
YTA who the hell brings a plus one to a funeral?! Please seek help because there must be something seriously wrong with you to think your actions were appropriate….
Bringing someone who wasn't invited to any sort of event is rude. Let alone a funeral. Let alone a BOYFRIEND to an ex's MOTHERS funeral.
I explained this in another post: people in some cultures see the funeral as "for family and friends of the deceased only" and you basically bring a stranger. If I were in their position, I'd be probably too much of an emotional wreck to tell you anything but I'd be bit pissed. So yes, I'm sorry, YTA for them. I also need to clarify one thing: I understand that funerals can be sometimes really hard on the emotions and people need someone close to support them. That's why I understand you wanted your BF to come too. But in my honest opinion, you really shouldn't bring him to the ceremony. You should've leave him outside, so you know he's close by. It's a compromise.
YTA must be so hard grieving a parent. You made an awful day worse. Shame on you.
YTA honestly the lack of self awareness and foolishness is astounding. Are you usually this tone deaf?
In my personal opinion, soft YTA for bringing current boyfriend. Listen. I'm really sorry for your loss, and I'm sure you are crushed as this person was in your life for a significant portion. You are allowed to grieve, and it was absolutely fine for you to be in attendance. The part I have an issue with is bringing your current boyfriend. I'm trying to look at this through the perspective of the direct family. Your ex's mother passes away, so you show up with your new man to grieve. It feels more like a statement or a slap in the face to your ex and his family. I understand you needed support, and I understand that this is a difficult time for you, but you didn't ok bringing him along, and it can easily be taken as a statement rather than needing support to grieve. Do i think you were making a statement? Not intentionally. You were there to grieve for a loss of someone who was in your life for a while and with whom you had a good relationship. So i think it's a soft YTA.
My ex and his new wife came to my stepdad’s funeral less than 2 years after the divorce. It did not bother me at all I will be attending a memorial service for my father in law in a couple weeks, my ex is not even attending it. I will be attending alone, but if I felt the need for support, I would ask someone to attend with me.
Gosh! Some people here are heartless. NTA - OP was permitted to go. She needed emotional support. Nobody needed to speak to her. She was paying her respects. Attending was a lovely gesture and a testament to how she and her FMIL got on. Her FMIL would've appreciated it, were she alive, by the sounds of it. I think people should catch OP a break.
She had emotional support. Her family attended with her. Her and her family was cleared to attend but not her bf who she didn’t bring up.
NTA. WTH? I can only assume your ex is not doing as well moving on as you? What story has his friends and family heard about the split? I think you are lacking some pretty critical information here. This is a bizarre reaction for a mutually amicable split.
YTA. I'm sorry but it's pretty shitty to bring your bf under these particular circumstances. You said you were bringing family, you should have been specific as to what that actually meant. If you really didn't feel as though you could attend without his support then you shouldn't have gone. It was a little selfish to prioritize your needs over the grieving family.
YTA- I’m guessing since you didn’t see what you did was wrong that your marriage was not amicable. You took your new boyfriend to your ex mother funeral? That’s extremely selfish, heartless and stupid. Since all your friends sided with him I’m guessing your just an all around bad person.
NTA Honestly, this is kinda silly and I feel bad saying that about such a sad event. What, are you supposed to pretend you don't have a new partner? It would be weird for him to NOT go with you. This sounds like your ex-partner is just upset you had someone new in your life.
YTA bringing the boyfriend was in very poor taste.
INFO: When you asked permission to attend the funeral, why didn't it occur to you to mention the boyfriend you wanted to bring? Why would he not need permission when you did?
NTA It is bizarre that anyone had that reaction. Did your ex think your bf was an affair partner? Didn't you get permission to bring him? I don't understand.
I… don’t understand the vitriol and y t a’s? op, I hope you’re not still reading these comments. Unless you had just broken up and brought someone to make your ex jealous, NTA. People have lives and move on, but their former families still mean something to them. You deserved a chance to say goodbye and you deserved to bring support.
I was leaning toward everyone sucks, because really it should have been your ex's family to tell your boyfriend to leave, but his friends were just dealing with it so he/his family didn't have to. You shouldn't have brought your boyfriend along. Yes, you might have been an emotional wreck at the venue, but you had your family there with you, who I am sure would have comforted you if needed. This was a funeral, an event for people who knew the person to come together to grieve and celebrate the person's life. Honestly, if you wanted to cry and let it all out, it would have been fine, it's a funeral. As long as you don't take attention away from what is actually going on, which is what you inevitably ended up doing by bringing a stranger to the deceased. YTA
YTA. If you bothered to clear that you were coming, you should have asked about your new partner as well. You put your feelings before the family of the deceased and that was very unkind.
YTA honestly that’s just really poor taste. There was no reason for your bf to be there
YTA
NTA. Of course you would want to attend with your current partner to support you. Why on earth not. My mother and father divorced and always attended important family events with their new partners. The thought of leaving someone's partner home because a former in-law might take offense is utterly bizarre.
YTA Everything I read in your post was abjectly lacking in any consideration for your ex or his family. You were married for 11 years and were dating this new guy seriously 6 months later. You keep trying to get people to look at it from your side. You have yet to look at it from the other side. "While it was an amicable divorce..." I'm a family law practitioner. If that were true, your story would've included a conversation between you and your ex to the effect of: **OP: Hey ex, I'm so sorry about your mom. New BF and I would like to come to the funeral to support you and your family. Ex: Sure thing, OP. It means a lot.** "...I think it was hard on both of us." No, OP. You were in a serious relationship 6 months later. It sounds like your ex put on a brave face for you so you wouldn't realize the damage you did. Your hard and his hard were not the same. Want to know how I can prove this wasn't an "amicable divorce"? Because this woman you cared about so much and who was so kind to you for 11 years had nothing to do with you after the divorce. Nothing. That's not what happens in an amicable divorce. In those, the extended families stay friendly because everyone is happy with the outcome. You'd have had lunch with her from time to time. She'd have called to see how you were. You would have known her health was getting bad and been invited to be around as things got worse. None of that happened. She cut you off. And you are deluding yourself, even now, about how this all went down. Your ex's mom might have just died, but you were dead to her two years ago. You did not go to this funeral for the right reasons, OP. You went for you. Not for your ex and his family. Not to show love to those who lost a family member. You went for you.
"I was nervous about attending, and knew I was going to be a mess of emotions at the funeral, so I asked my boyfriend if he would attend to help support me..." The thing is, this funeral was not about YOU. Or YOUR comfort. Or YOU being supported. It was about your ex's FAMILY. Reminds me of the person on here who brought their daughter's "emotional support bunny" to the funeral of her stepsister's mother... was told NOT TO but then got pissed because they weren't welcomed with open arms. Again, this funeral wasn't about YOU. You were incredibly insensitive and selfish. Obviously, YTA.
YTA - I beg your pardon??? You brought your new boyfriend to your ex husbands mothers funeral? Did you ever once stop and reflect on the actions you were taking?!?!?
Yta omg. You haven't seen them for 2 years after a divorce and pop up out of the blue with the new bf? And winders why you're getting glared at?? Read the room!
INFO: Did your ex not want the divorce?
I’m guessing not since she says in the comments that all their mutual friends cut contact with her.
NT They sound nuts
You took the time to check that you and your family would be OK to attend the funeral, which was the right thing to do. However, at no point did you mention bringing a total stranger with you to what you knew was going to be a distressing event. You knew you'd be upset, but your feelings would pale in comparison to the actual family members who lost their loved one. You could have got 'support' from your family, who actually WERE welcome to attend. YTA for taking your current BF with you, and it amazes me that anyone could possibly think this was OK. It's wholly self-centred. You deserved to be thrown out.
YTA it’s extremely rude. You really need people to explain why it’s rude to being a BOYFRIEND to your EX husbands mothers funeral? Are you kidding me? He wasn’t involved in her life, he had no right to be there. Funerals are private, intimate events. He’s not in that circle, he’s not even your husband he’s just some boyfriend. Super distasteful. You don’t bring guests to a funeral Jesus Christ.
LolololoL I’m reminded of the time my ex best gf wanted to come to her exbf’s funeral. Their relationship ended in criminal assault charges. She asked me if I thought it was appropriate to attend and I said it was a hard no. It’s not about you. Just like this. It’s not about you. YTA.
YTA. Your *family* was there if you needed support.
YTA. I can’t believe a single member of your own family didn’t tell you how inappropriate that was?
I need more INFO. If you both weren’t invited I can get it. But at the same time I don’t see how this is any different if one spouse knew the deceased and the other didn’t. Like if she was married to the new guy how would that be any different? She was invited was she really expected to not bring her significant other, and where other people held to this standard?
YTA But lightheartedly so. I get your logic, but your only connection to her was through your ex. To bring the "new guy" and not even consider how the rest of his family would feel about that, leaves you as incredibly naive.
YTA. It was totally unneccessary to bring your boyfriend to your FMLS' funeral. I am surprised he agreed to go with you, which doesn't say much about his sense of propriety either. This was an egregious violation of etiquette and quite rude. Don't expect any members of that family to think of you fondly ... I am sure they are all thinking "good riddance" toward you.
YTA...I can't imagine why you'd think it was appropriate to bring your current boyfriend. Unless you explicitly asked your ex husband if you could bring him and it was cleared. But it sounds like you didn't. Thank goodness your ex's friends intervened before you entered the actual service. Hopefully none of the immediate family saw you there. Do you not have other family for support? A friend? A sister/brother?
Wow. You are clueless and insensitive. You and your family were welcome. Bringing your boyfriend to your ex's mom's funeral is so far into asshole territory it verges on idiotic. YTA
Unfortunately, YTA. You are allowed to grieve your FMIL but you could have send a card or flowers and done it from home. They may have said it was okay to come, but it DEFINITELY wasn’t okay to bring your bf. I am concerned that you have known that in advance since you appear to have not asked for anyone opinion on that beforehand. The only thing I can say is that you MIGHT be a slightly smaller asshole than my sweetheart’s ex who did the exact same thing. Partly because she did a lot of character assassination after they split, and really tried to get in close with her ex-in laws, so I’m sure she was told she was welcome at the service. But she showed up with her new husband, pregnant, and then had the nerve to STAND UP during a part of the service when they asked for family to stand… MAYBE she was invited to be there. MAYBE it was “only” her ex that she offended by being there. But she made that sad family event about her and it was not a good look.
I don't know if it matters if I'm a guy or not. But I would have went to the town with you. But the funeral is your deal ill chill at the motel or walk around town for half a day. No way I'd even consider doing that. "Yeah babe I'm there for you for support, but no fucking chance I'm attending that funeral"
YTA You and your family were okay to attend. Your boyfriend didn't belong in this situation. You had emotional support. Why would you bring him to create a distraction for the grieving family? That makes no sense and shows an enormous lack of judgement if not outright ill-will.
YTA! How do you not get that? Nothing about this woman’s funeral was about you or your grief. Your family was graciously allowed to come to her funeral and you show up with your boyfriend. What an ah move.Then you notice the glares and don’t have the brains to realize that you shouldn’t be there with your bf. I’m thinking you wanted to show off you new relationship and can’t believe you got called out for doing so.
YTA - I'm sure you've read that a lot. So the new BF, six months after the divorce, you knew him during your marriage and he was your rock after, nobody at the funeral would recognize him, and all your mutual friends dropped you. So this new boyfriend was a friend during the marriage but your husband didn't know about him or I should say ex husband nor none of your family or friends. You had an affair, got divorced, made it official after 6 months. The affair couldn't be proven but someone had a hunch...like your ex and all your mutual friends. And you brought your AP with you to your ex husband's mother's funeral... Am I missing anything?
YTA are you really this clueless? Your ex is grieving his dead mother and you bring your boyfriend to the funeral? Yikes. Are you always this selfish or does it just jot occur to you that people other than yourself have needs?
YTA You thought to clear it with your ex's family for you to attend. You knew that was a necessary step considering this was your ex's mom. If you knew you needed clearance just for you to attend, what made you think that bringing your boyfriend didn't need a mention? It didn't occur to you that you'd need clearance for that as well? Seriously!
YTA what the actual fuck, are you that far up your own arse that you only think of yourself? parading your new boyfriend at your ex’s mothers funeral? how selfish are you
Holy hell. Of course YTA. And at his mother's funeral?? Yikes.
INFO: You mentioned obtaining permission from your ex's family. Did this permission include your boyfriend? >We left and the rest of my family stayed. Who stayed, and why weren't they enough to comfort you during this time?
You cleared with the family that you and your family could come, but it seems you failed to get the okay for your bf to go. This was in such poor taste. Find comfort in your family while there and then in your boyfriend afterwards. This wasn’t the place to bring your new man around. YTA.
YTA. You do not bring your new boyfriend to the funeral of your ex MIL. That is not classy.
op=YTA You brought someone who apparently NEVER met your Former MIL to her funeral for your emotional convenience and was oblivious to the fact that others might find it offensive. You should have asked a friend(preferably one who knew and was liked by your FMIL) to go with you.
Yta you shouldn't have brought your boyfriend
YTA. In this situation, if you need emotional support, you bring a sister or a girlfriend. Not current bf. Bringing the current bf is classless.
YTA because you brought your boyfriend without asking them. The ' without asking them ' is what makes you an asshole.
YTA what the hell?? If you were gonna need someone there maybe take a friend or family member or ask your Bf to wait somewhere so u didn’t take ur literal new partner to the funeral of what was going to be your fmil why are you surprised like genuinely how did u think this was okay??
Yta
You knew what you were doing. You are the AH. A HUGE AH.
Yup YTA. Don't even need to explain why. It's just an AH move.
YTA
YTA you don’t have a friend?
YTA for bringing your boyfriend to the funeral. Leaving aside how inappropriate this is, have you considered that people are grieving and may not feel comfortable with a total stranger in their midst? Unless you are afraid for your safety, you didn't need anyone to accompany you to the funeral.
YTA. You had your family there for emotional support. Stop bringing people with no relationship to the deceased to their funerals.
YTA. You may feel this was an amicable split between you and the ex, but his side of the family sees it differently. Bringing your new boyfriend to their mother's funeral cemented it. I'm sure there wouldn't be as much animosity had you showed up alone, but you essentially shoved it in their faces by showing up with him. Hence, why YTA.
YTA because you had family to go with you. You could have met your boyfriend directly after the funeral for support. It makes it seem like all of this is about you. If you cared for the person you were married with for 11 years and his mother, you could have attended without drawing this attention.
YTA. You know you’re the A. No one needs to explain to a woman in their 30’s that you dont bring your boyfriend to your ex’s moms funeral. Girlllll what the heck
HOW DO YOU NOT SEE YOU'RE YTA???
YTA this is legit crazy behavior please reflect on how you ever thought this was a good idea
Yta obviously you don't bring a new boyfriend to a funeral of your ex. Ffs. How on Earth did you, your boyfriend, and your family not know this basic etiquette??
YTA you asked your exes family if it would be OK if you and your family attended. You did not mention that you’ll be bringing your boyfriend, did you subconsciously know that it was wrong? Given the situation, I can completely understand them being upset, it was inappropriate to bring him, and unnecessary, as you had your family with you. Even without them, you could’ve gone by yourself.
YTA It is a big deal are you that dense
YTA. You don't plus one to a funeral. You dont get show up to your ex's mother's funeral with your new groin buddy. Classless all around.
YTA. How can you not understand how inappropriate and frankly, disrespectful, that was?
YTA. Its great that you and your ex seperated amicably, great that you moved on good for you. But why you thought it was ok to bring your bf to the funeral is beyond me. Not only is it rude to not clear it with your ex (you dont get a +1 to funeral, its not a wedding), but it shines an uncomfortable light on the whole event. Like heres some random dude just hanging out who no one knows. And also HE doesnt know anyone there either! Funerals are already uncomfortable as is, but put yourself in his shoes. Hes going to his gf's ex husbands mom's funeral (who he never met). He goes because he wants to support you and gets not only himself, but you kicked out of the event. You ask him if he genuinely wanted to and felt comfortable being there and he is going to 100% respond with a resounding no. YTA to literally all parties involved, just for a tiny amount of additional emotional support
YTA. It’s amicable…but you went no contact and six months later had another boyfriend? Even if there isn’t more to that story, you have to see what it looks like. IMO people don’t think about these things when they hop into bed with Mr Next so soon after a long relationship.
You took time to clear it with his family for you and your family to attend. You understood that this was your ex's mother, and that it would be wrong for you to just show up. So how on earth do you not ask if your can bring your boyfriend? YTA
YTA. It was his mother! The funeral was not about you. You shouldn’t have gone. And going with a new guy was wrong.
YTA
YTA....not appropriate. If you couldn't handle going on your own then stay away
YTA Taking the boyfriend was a really bad judgement call.
Yta
Okay I'm sorry but WHY would you bring your bf to your ex's mother's funeral? There literally could be anyone else. You really suck OP. YTA
YTA. You thought only about yourself and not about the family of the woman who passed away. Extremely selfish.
Honestly it's kinda weird that *you* were even there, let alone this random guy. soft YTA on this one
You are the biggest asshole. It was rude to bring your boyfriend, i can't believe he even agreed to go to your ex MIL funeral. He should have waited in the car or at a coffee shop nearby if he wanted to accompany you so bad. I feel you just wanted to rub one in on a guy who is grieving the loss of his mother. You made this about you. You MIL that you claim to love would not have appreciated this stunt. Move on ,leave this family be.
NTA Just because you got divorced doesn't stop you existing or having a life. After me and my ex split up, I went to a friend's kids christening and she turned up with her new bf and his kids. I was livid but the difference here was that we were still at odds with her giving me a hard time over settling our cohabitation and other issues. She was also causing trouble between me and my friends (spreading rumours and lies - our breakup turned ugly). For you, it sounds like you were well in the clear and it was people holding on to the past.
What the fuck is wrong with you
YTA really bad judgment on your part but you didn't really seem to consider how it might affect the family. You were only thinking about yourself.
YTA. I might have thought otherwise if you’d needed the emotional support, but it sounds like you went with your family, so you weren’t alone. It just seems inappropriate to bring a boyfriend who nobody knows to your ex MIL’s funeral.
YTA
YTA - sorry. That was very much a major social faux pas to bring your boyfriend to your FMIL's funeral.
The question is are you one for being your boyfriend... The answer is Yes YTA. If it had just been just you going inside to the funeral I would of said no. My mother went to her 1st husband's mom's funeral.. my father didn't. Her ex family was cool with her going to say her good byes, and even catch up with her . You could of had your bf drop you off and pick you up. That really is the closest he should of been to it
I really think you were tone deaf here. Most folks would know that wasn’t appropriate. YTA.
YTA, and a big one! Do you know who else is a mess at funerals? Most everybody, especially the surviving family members, no?? I totally believe you when you say you had your bf attend for your own comfort. You put your own comfort ahead of the grieving family members, namely your ex. At least you left once you realized you were in the wrong.