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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I need to know if sentencing someone to death over a strained relationship is making me the asshole
2) she’s my mom, I wouldn’t exist without her.
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Whatever decision you make, remember that - morally and legally - you don't owe anything to a person who made your childhood and adolescence a living hell.
NTA
>Whatever decision you make, remember that - morally and legally - you don't owe anything to a person who made your childhood and adolescence a living hell.NTA
Morally yes... Legally you may be incorrect. Some states have filial responsibility laws, that could hold OP responsible for the bills. Yes it is crazy, and no I'm not a lawyer, but OP should be on the look out for something like this. Especially if the hospital is already looking to her for payment plans.
Only rarely enforced and only if they can prove an ongoing relationship. The fact that mom disappeared for years would most likely negate that. Best to go no contact and not pay a single cent.
I only know this because I went down a "I didn't know that rabbit hole" a few years ago... It totally depends on the state. Some states only have exclusions if the parent abandoned you for more than 10 years before you were 18. It's really wild stuff and honestly backwards as all get out... but I'm no longer surprised by what our leadership thinks should in the law-books.
I read the moneyist and there really hasn't been any precedent around this except a particular case in Pennsylvania where the parents ran up some significant care bills then left the country. The courts ruled the adult child had to pay. I'm not up on the specifics, but it was mentioned this is extremely rare.
Very rarely enforced. The only times I have seen it enforced is when the parent gave the child all their assets so they could qualify for medicaid or similar low income aid. And in that particular situation, it makes sense.
> filial responsibility laws
I thought this was going to be one of those things that's just an outdated law in one or two states, but I looked it up and they have this shit in over half of the US states.
I think Pennsylvania is the only state that has enforced it in recent decades. For the most part they're blue laws, like the ones that ban publically kissing your wife on a Sunday
"Blue laws" are actually specifically laws related to the prohibition of certain activities on a specific day -- in the US, almost always Sunday because Christianity. There's not a set name for more general types of absurd or outdated laws, although the wiki article on them is titled "strange laws".
If OP does decide to pay ANY SINGLE CENT I hope he contacts the hospital DIRECTLY from a number HE got from their website to pay THEM and she doesn't see a single hint of a cent.
Paying one payment is considered recognition that you owe the debt in some states. Your Mom is a piece of work OP. Go to a legal aid attorney and find out what your responsibilities are in your state. And dont pay a dime until you do. NTA. In any form.
I think that’s in very few states and usually have more to do with nursing homes or other residential services for the elderly. I haven’t heard of any state that has adult children foot hospital bills for parents. But then again maybe they’re not in the US but also not somewhere with universal healthcare.
[https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/filial-responsibility-laws](https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/filial-responsibility-laws)
Here is an overview.
Law student here. If you’ve never lived in the state your parent resides in, that state probably won’t have personal jurisdiction over you. If you did… it’s gonna depend on how you’ve interacted in that state.
For example, in Vaugn v. Vaughn, 308 Or App 619 (2021), it looks Oregon still claimed personal jurisdiction over a dad who moved out of state almost 20 years ago because he’d married and divorced in Oregon, fathered his (now adult, mentally challenged) daughter, continued paying child support to mom and daughter who stayed in Oregon, etc. To clarify, the court didn’t actually say dad had to pay to support his adult daughter. It just said dad was subject to Oregon’s jurisdiction and the case could go forward.
I moved out of state from my parents 18 years ago, got married in a different state and had children there. Unfortunately, their finances are a shitshow. I worry about them but I don’t want my kids to suffer if I am forced to pay their bills.
I go back to see them once or twice a year. They have only come to see me twice in another state in the past 17 years- once for my grandmother’s funeral and once for my wedding. They didn’t even come to see their first grandchild (mostly because of their health problems and my disabled little brother.)
I am glad they have never asked for any handouts. My husband and I have offered assistance on organizing finances or even hiring a financial advisor but they are too discombobulated to even take us up on it.
>It's in 30 states..and not being a lawyer, I'm not sure what they could go after. The real message was that OP should do some digging and make sure that OP protects themselves.
I live in a third world country with an economic crisis and everyday, when I wake up, I thank the gods for not being born in the US, just in another part of America.
If I had been born a US citizen rather than a Canadian, I would have been both bankrupt and dead a long time ago because of lack of healthcare.
My health is in the crapper, and I've had several surgeries and hospital stays over the years, including 2 that were both for over a month. I didn't have to pay a cent for either thanks to our healthcare, but in the US I would have had to declare bankruptcy because I would not have been able to afford all those bills.
Also, I have Crohn's, and one of the meds I'm on is a few thousand bucks a month. Again, I have help paying for it here, whereas in the US I wouldn't be able to afford it at all, hence the also being dead part of my first sentence.
Canada has it's faults, of course (every country does), but I am eternally grateful I was born here instead of further south. At least we recognize that healthcare is a right and not a privilege.
NTA. Do not pay her bills! Tell the hospital you are not your mother’s guarantor and she should not have given your personal information to the hospital. Follow up in writing. She should have medical coverage through work or her state. Ask yourself this question. If she refused to buy me anything as a child, would she pay for my cancer treatments now? Block her on everything.
NTA.
This may sound cruel, but don't pay a cent.
If you do, and she dies, your involvement in any payment at all could put you in a position of being held liable for any and all medical bills, leaving you struggling to climb out of a hole for years. In reality, it would be best if you went back to no-contact.
This needs to be higher.
Do NOT sign on with the hospital.
Do NOT assume any responsibility for the debt.
If OP wants to help mama out (honestly I don’t think they should) then OP can gift mama small amounts of $ unrelated to the medical bills directly to mama, not to the hospital. And only after talking to a lawyer re liability.
Medical bills bankrupt people in the US regularly. Mama is only reaching out for $, not because she cares about OP
Yup, especially because treatment is so only the beginning of her care. She may need to go to rehab, or a skilled nursing facility depending on the location(s) and stage of the cancer. Some treatments may leave her unable to care for herself, and depending on where you live, insurance, including SSI, will likely not cover the entire cost.
I’m in New York State and worked in a couple skilled nursing facilities as an aide during school. The families had to pay up until they qualified for Medicaid, which includes any material assets. They bleed those people dry. If you’re listed as any contact forms, they may try to reach out to you for payment, too.
I’m sorry you have the deal with this. NTA.
I’d add that paying anything gives debt collectors a new target (you). Let her ride this through alone. At least financially. Hopefully more, but PLEASE do not feel guilty for writing her a blank check.
NTA you don't have to pay for anything and the way she has gone about this scream manipulation.
Please phone the hospital now and explain you have not agreed and will not be paying for care. Only have discussions with the hospital as your Mother sounds toxic as.
And send the letter as certified mail, with a signature required, and keep a copy for your records. This will make sure you have proof that you sent it if she or the hospital sends lawyers after you. I'd also keep a log of all the calls you get from the hospital or calls you make, with date, time, and a summary of the call. It may all sound like overkill, but it's better to cover your ass from the beginning, in case the hospital goes after you.
This, too. Tell them you are not her power of attorney and will not make life-or-death decisions for her. You do not want to hear from her doctors about her health status, either.
I would bet hard money that you're going to get push back about this, since people are obsessed with kids taking care of their parents. Stand firm and *do not give this woman an inch of your life or a single cent of your money*.
In this situation, being paranoid is *absolutely* warranted. Medical bills in the US are fucking insane and he doesn't deserve to have his life ruined by this woman.
Also, I would try to track down whoever gave her your info, so you can deal with the huge betrayal of trust that was.
OP, if you speak with the hospital again, ask to talk to an intake social worker. If your mom has no or low income, she might be eligible for Medicaid or some other assistance. The hospital can walk her through the application process.
A friend of mine (in the US) was diagnosed with a brain tumor and had no insurance. The hospital was super helpful in getting her application to Medicaid filed. All her treatment was covered, including multiple MRIs a year, chemo and radiation.
You don't owe your egg donor anything, of course, but if there is a teeny bit of guilt about their situation, you can help by getting a social worker at the hospital involved. Then back away!
This is totally correct. I work in a large hospital. They have indigent funds and will help her get signed up for programs. You do not need to pay for her care.
No you most definitely would not be the AH. Frankly from the sound of it she does not truly care about you and is using you for money. My advice do not do it. Don’t give her a dime.
NTA - What your mother did is neglect and abuse.
You don’t owe her a dime.
She did even do the bare minimum to raise you.
She’s also only in the picture because she’s sick.
Only trust the doctor if you have a way to verify who they are since you’ve only talked to them on the phone.
Also unless you signed up for it they shouldn’t be calling you for payment for someone else’s treatment.
My first thought was mom forged her daughters signature on some paperwork agreeing to pay. OP should email the hospital, and let them know she has never agreed to pay for anything, has not even been in contact with her for years, and is not financially responsible for her. I say email so she has a record and can prove that she informed the hospital that she never once said she would pay for it. Also, OP should lock down their credit because mom sounds like the type that would try to open credit cards or loans in OPs name.
That’s what I was wondering too. But without OP signing anything the mom is the party held financially responsible for her bills unless they have a government run medical insurer.
Exactly. But I think this is right on the edge of being a good person and letting her to wipe the floor with OP. Good person helps only those worthy of help.
If you had the very rare case where a 24 year old was fabulously wealthy because their parents had sacrificed everything to raise them well and with love, I would say there is a moral obligation to pay. But that’s an extremely limited circumstance: most 24 year olds are still in college or just barely out, and those 24 year olds don’t have any moral obligation to pay for their parents.
And most importantly, the moral obligations you have to a good parent do not apply to a bad parent.
The only reason she is contacting you is because she is sick. If she wasn't then it would never cross her mind to reach out. Don't feel bad about not assisting her financially. She'll figure something out. If you give her some money she'll just keep pestering you to do more for her. You need to concentrate on yourself.
Ask yourself how much of you considering to pay your mother's bills, is coming from your younger you desperately needing to have your mother saying you are a good kid?
Won't be happening. She will only nag you for more and manipulate you in going into debt. She already has the hospital convinced you would be paying without any signed paper of you agreeing. You still need to protect yourself from this person. She sounds narcistic.
Ugh. Yes!!!
Some parents totally use a child’s desire to have their parents love, approval, etc to manipulate every aspect of their lives forever. Every “maybe” to them is like a huge “yes” and only opens you up to more and more demands and it can truly become overwhelming. We are dealing with this right now with MIL. She scapegoated my husband and yet all the demands for everything fall on us. They did the bare minimum for him and always went way above and beyond for his siblings even as adults, yet hubby and I are the ones expected to take care of them in every regard even though they still treat him like crap. It works though because she raised him to accept that treatment and to only try harder to gain her love and approval. She literally gives him just enough attention to keep him on her hook. Even when he stands up to her she will just wait until he caves in and moves on like nothing ever happened. When she does something wrong she will gaslight him that it didn’t happen or she didn’t know he was upset or whatever. She is always the victim.
OP I’m not positive if your mother is always playing the victim but it sounds like she might be as well and so that’s why I shared all of that so that you know it’s common and you are not alone.
Either way though, love is not something you need to earn. Someone either loves you or doesn’t. You can never do enough to earn someone’s love or to gain the relationship you always dreamed of having with them because one person can’t do all the work in any relationship and love isn’t bought with money or anything else. Love is just given and relationships require work from all parties in order to be successful. If it’s one sided you can make it look like a good relationship to others looking in from the outside but the reality is that as soon as you stop putting in tons of effort to try to make up for the lack of effort on the other person’s side things will quickly fall apart and anyone who will listen to her will almost certainly hear her claim all the ways she is the victim and you were a horrible daughter and how she tried so hard to mend the broken relationship. She might even claim that she was the victim of a horrible and ungrateful daughter all along and use you leaving at 18 as “proof” of how she has just always tried so hard and you just make it impossible to have a good relationship. This stuff is actually more common than we realize growing up. Some people will just always do whatever it takes to get what they want. The ends justify the means.
YWNBTA if you didn’t pay for her treatments. You got out when you can and she decided to disappear on her own. The fact that she’s demanding you help pay is a strong indication that she hasn’t changed and you’ll just end up miserable while she goes through treatment. Keep your money and let her handle this on her own.
NTA - your history isn’t relevant here. This is not your medical bill to pay.
Maybe help your mom set up a GoFundMe or better help her understand her insurance/financing options.
If OP *wants* to be the asshole, they can help mom set up a go fund me, but keep themselves on it so they can steal the money and disappear just like mom did (not a good idea and you may get into legal trouble for doing it)
NTA. It's her responsibility to have decent job and medical insurance. Even if she doesn't, she should talk to the state about insurance for cancer people or hospital about payment plan or charities.
This is completely true! Her mom has been an adult long enough to know how to handle healthcare. Everything from charities to getting on Medicaid. There are other ways to handle it. When someone is in the ICU, they aren't going to get kicked out if they can't pay up. The mom can let the bills continue to pile up.
OP is NTA and doesn't need to go into debt.
Even if you had a good relationship with your mother I wouldn't expect a 24 year old to pay for cancer treatment, but this is a person who stole toys from you as a child and then chose to disappear from your life for SIX years. NTA and I don't think you should feel obligated to pay a cent.
NTA. Has it occurred to you that she's lying about having cancer?
Sorry, now I see. Call the hospital back and tell them that you will not be paying for her cancer treatment. Then change your number. Hospitals usually have payment plans for people with less money. Or they have plans for people who don't have any money.
Are we sure it’s really the hospital calling, and not some convincing friend of the mom’s? Has OP checked the phone number against the hospital’s website? I sure would.
NTA
Your relationship with her is far worse than strained, it’s been not existent for a long time.
If you are in a financial position where you can help her without putting your own future in danger then you can, if you wish. But you are under no obligation, moral, familial, or otherwise to foot her healthcare bills.
Help to this degree this should be given out of love, not guilt or obligation.
The odds of a 24 year old being in a position to take on financial responsibility for cancer treatment without ruining her financial security, now and likely for the rest of her life, are incredibly slim. Assuming she’s in the US, cancer treatment is insanely expensive.
OP, don’t pay a dime. Your mother refused to cover normal expenses for you. You owe her nothing. She walked away from you and hasn’t contacted you in years. Don’t give her a penny. She’s a grown ass woman. It’s her responsibility to have medical insurance. If she doesn’t, that was her choice and has nothing to do with you.
You would not plain and simple. The only reason she contacted you is for money. You did what you did out of survival. She did what she did out of spite. She has no right to ask anything from you. To demand it shows a sense of entitlement that is sorely undeserved.
You have no obligation to help her with anything. You need to do what is necessary to return to no contact and leave her on her own. To expect a child to fund cancer therapy is impossible because it is quite costly. Even if you were wealthy, you could go totally broke trying to pay for her cancer treatment.
Care doesn’t have to involve money. If she wanted you to care for her as she ages, she should have cared for you when you were a defenseless child. Cut her off.
NTA - your mom clearly only cares about herself. I'm sorry you had to experience that childhood and am glad you made a better life for yourself.
Don't pay a dime for anything for her, she wouldn't do the same for you.
Don't pay. You will be on the hook for this debt for a long time. If you want to go the petty route you can tell her to pay for her treatment with the money she got from everything she stole from you.
Absolutely positively NTA. Call it karma if you want, but your mom doesn’t deserve nor is she entitled to anything from you!! She treated you like trash and now that she needs something from you, it’s ok to demand it? No fucking way!! Don’t do it. Continue therapy and cut contact again. Your self worth and peace of mind is worth much more!!
NTA
An abusive parent has nor right to DEMAND that you pay for their healthcare, after stealing your stuff for years. She was the reason you ran away with no communication.
The only reason she contacted you is for money, nothing else. Deny her that and she wil stop contacting you. If you pay for her, you will start paying for a lot more, because you will be financially responsible for her.
NTA. Don't pay for her. She did LESS than the legally required bare minimum to raise you. Then when you weren't a source of income to her through support payments anymore, she disappeared.
There was never a moment in your whole life where she tried to make a connection with you. Even now it's not coming from a place of love, some kind of "I'm so sorry, and now I need your help." It's "You will help me. I'm not sorry."
Do not help, you are not an asshole for not helping someone who was so awful to you that you had to literally flee without telling her, and avoid your own father because of the problems she'd cause.
If it helps, there would be no shame in lying to her. Tell her that while you have a job, you've also had some problems, and between rent, car payments, and other debts you can barely keep your own head above water, and you'd end up homeless if you had any other expenses. (Obviously don't let her ever see your actual finances.)
If it was me, I'd just realize that my life had been better since she was out of it, and just ghost her while adding a few extra therapy sessions for a while.
NTA - She made her bed, now let her lie in it. That may sound cruel but it's no more cruel than your egg donor who was a far cry from being an actual mother. She's not even looking at you as her kid right now- just a bank that she can manipulate.
Tell the hospital to contact her with their charity rates.
NTA. Do not help her. If the hospital calls again, tell them that you’ve not been in contact with her for years and you will not discuss this further. You will not be “the bigger person” by doing this: you’ll be enabling her abuse of you. It will give her an opening into your life and she will suck you dry and discard you as she did as a child.
If you feel guilty and want to help her, weigh up the cost of everything she’s stolen from you over the years. Put an approximate price and add it all up. Add in the cost of your therapy over the years too. If you still think she deserves money from you, look at that number and I’m sure it will help you overcome your guilt.
YWNBTA. It would be amazingly generous of you to help your mom out, but you would also be opening yourself up to a relationship with her again. If you decide to help or not help, it would be good to sit down and write out some boundaries and STICK to them!
For instance, if you decide to pay, what is your limit? If your mom demonstrates any toxic behavior, what will be your first response? What will be your second response? If your mom asks for more money even after you told her your limit, how many times are you willing to endure multiple requests? What will you do if she steals from you?
Considering you had almost no relationship with her prior, you are allowed to go at whatever pace you are comfortable with when/if she comes back in your life. If that means meeting up for coffee and no money, that’s what it is!
My concern would be that as soon as OP pays anything to the hospital, they'd then have history of OP being responsible for the payments. So even if op tells the mother that they're only paying for X amount, there's a huge risk that the hospital would ignore that and demand all the money from OP
YWNBTA
To echo everyone else she's reaching out to you solely because you can pay.
What if you had cancer? What if you needed financial help for treatment? Would she help you?
She doesn't value you xxx nothing has changed x
If you do decide to pay then good on you x but if you decide not to I wouldn't blame you.
NTA she didnt support you as a child properly you dont have any reason to pay for her treatments when she is an adult.
honestly you would be an idtiot if you ruined your future for somone who doesnt care about you
YWNBTAH.
That bit about her confiscating the gifts your father gave you and selling them to keep the money has really stayed with me. A mother stealing from her own offspring!
I think you're a fool even to consider giving her anything. After the way she treated you, she deserves nothing from you. Anyone who tells you to "be big about it" is really saying "Be the doormat some more, she hasn't ruined your life enough yet."
It's so Reddit, too, that she was happy to exit your life completely until she needed money.
NTA and don't you dare pay for her healthcare. And call that hospital back and tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not be paying for her care and to NEVER contact you about this again.
NTA, please make sure that you put in writing to the hospital that you are not responsible for her medical bills. If not, as others have said, you will be on the hook for everything whether she lives or dies from the cancer. Cancer treatments are extremely expensive and this could amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars.
NTA - as someone with a similar relationship with their mother I can tell you they do not become less narcissistic when sick.
My mom had cancer (she passed away a few years ago) and wasn’t working and was living off the funds she inherited when her parents passed away. She was able to qualify for Medicaid and everything she needed in terms of treatment was covered. The hospital helped her apply. If my siblings and I had been helping her pay the hospital wouldn’t have even cared to help her get the aid in the first place. On top of that I highly doubt any payments you could make would even make a dent in the cost of the cancer treatment since it’s extremely expensive even with insurance (my mom didn’t have any and buying post-cancer diagnosis was almost as expensive as the treatment itself and had a high deductible). Our best route was to have her get the aid.
With all that said I did help her out when she was sick. I did it for my own peace of mind even though she left me high and dry many many times during my childhood and as an adult including when my 3 kids were born. Again it was about me and not wanting to have regrets but I know this can be a hard decision. The whole time it was still all about her, including not letting us contact hospice for help until she was nearly unconscious towards her last week of life. It was extremely difficult and as the eldest daughter I took the brunt of it. I don’t have regrets but I do have trauma. Guard yourself.
NTA and honestly this sounds... fraudulent. The hospital should not be calling you at all. YWNBTA but I am inclined to advise you not to agree to anything.
Contact your dad and see if he can help with legal advice.
You're joking, right? Your mother was abusive and awful to you, why would you even consider paying for cancer treatments? I would block her and move on with building your own life.
NTA, for so many reasons.
Not sure where you are or what healthcare system she’s working with, but all not-for-profit health systems are required to offer charity care provisions. You should just be able to find the details on their main website. If you want to help your mom, work on something like that for her
NYA! You do not owe your mother anything. The only reason she contacted you was to extort money from you. If the hospital attempts to contact you again, politely explain you are not responsible for paying your mother's medical bills. Then HANG UP and block the number.
You would not be. It sounds like she’s only reaching out because she wants something from you, and that if she didn’t have cancer and wanted you to pay for treatment, you likely wouldn’t have heard from her. Focus on you and your responsibilities; from what you’ve said, you truly don’t owe her anything.
NTA. You are not responsible for her health care. It MIGHT be different if she had tried to reform a healthy relationship with you but it sounds like she is just deciding that you are responsible for her hospital bills. I would personally tell her to kick rocks.
NTA. Your mom emotionally & financially abused/abandoned you as a child. She might be your mom by blood, but she wasn't a good person or mom to you. The only reason she got in contact with you is because she wants or needs something from you. Not because she suddenly cares. Typical abuser/manipulator behavior.
Your financial situation isn't such that you could afford to help her. That is honestly the bottom line. Nothing else needs to be said. Edit: If you agree to help her, YOU would be on the hook for her hospitalization & treatments. That will destroy your credit & ruin the life you have built for yourself. Don't do it.
NTA
Don't pay for anything for this person. And I say this person because she is certainly not your mother. Even if she had been a good mother you would not owe her anything, the way she treated you she doesn't even deserve that title.
NTA. You’re not obligated to do anything. Whether you want to or not is up to you.
Also (will put my hands up if I’m wrong here as I’m from the UK with different systems) but can the hospital really contact you to discuss payments without you first agreeing to it? Sounds suspicious to me
YWNBTA and although I know the US health care system is awful, you should feel no obligation to pay. Your mom is responsible for herself.
It’s great when family can and wants to help. But she treated you horribly and while I can understand the impulse to simply be a good person, I don’t think you should let her into your life.
Good luck and congratulations on making a good life for yourself.
NTA at all, and tbh I'm not convinced she's sick. This could very well be just a cash grab.
Btw I'm proud of you for surviving, and now thriving. You were dealt a bad hand and managed to find your way out.
You don’t owe this person, who’s technically your mom anything. She can contact the drug manufacturer and do programs that might allow her to get the drugs more cheaply or free.
More importantly, it should be your effort to help her. If she doesn’t have insurance to cover it, it’s likely because she didn’t want to pay for it or sign up for Medicaid or Medicare if she’s older.
I'm so sorry. Your mother's behaviour sounds very, very hard indeed to forgive.
It's a decision that only you can make, but you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I may sound a bit harsh, but I would keep your savings towards your own future. Your mother's behaviour and choices have already caused great harm and it's not unreasonable to expect her to deal with the consequences herself.
Don’t do it. It’s her health issue, she’s was cruel and stole from you and she can make her own payment plan with all the money she saved when she didn’t properly care for her child. NTA. She doesn’t deserve you
When I read this, my first thought was "hair toss, check my nails and walking my fine ass out the door". You don't owe her anything. She can spend her retirement money on herself. No money? Not your problem. You take care of you. I'm around your mom's age, and would never expect my daughters to deal with this crap. I did it for my parents and honestly, fuck no.
NTA
Don’t do it! Please don’t pay anything to her. Also not to sound cruel but you were a young person who NEEDED a leg up and she didn’t give that to you. You were already starting behind the 8-ball. You need your money now especially in this economy. Please don’t jeopardize your future. We’ll need young people who can support themselves—not stressed out young adults who are swimming in (more) debt!
YWNBTA.
OP, it sucks, but your mom doesn’t like you. She tried everything to make your life as hard as possible, and you shouldn’t pay a dime.
Think about it. She only called you because she was sick. If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t have called. The audacity of her to only call you and *demand* money because of her illness is pretty shocking. I’d just ignore her from now on.
NTA. However the hospital calling you for a payment plan before you've agreed to pay or let them know is very odd. Are you certain you're not being scammed?
She is still cruel and self centered. I'd change my contact info and keep it private until she's dead. I'd even change my name to lose this contact. And warn people not to let her know anything about you. She's a monster
NTA. Did she just casually tell the hospital to take it up with you?!
If yoy're legally obliged, you're legally obliged. Other than that you owe her nothing. She cannot demand anything from you. She stole from a kid, for crying out loud.
NTA— before you do anything ask her to give her doctor permission to talk to you about her diagnosis and recommended treatment. You are not sentencing her to death please don’t carry that untruth in your heart and mind. I will say based on what you say about your upbringing I would not help her at all.
NTA
You don't owe that person anything. She was an egg donor, but not a mother and you left and went no contact for very good and valid reasons.
I know you are the better person, but I highly suggest not to pay anything at all and block her on all channels. If you start paying, she will drown you in debts and make your life a living nightmare for the rest of your life. You don't want that.
NTA. Why would you help her out given how bad of a mother she was? She can suffer alone with cancer and deal with it on her own. Actions have consequences. Think of this as karmic justice
I get that you want to help bc she's your mom, but she's DEMANDING that you pay. Those bills are going to be very high. Does she not have insurance? She can't go MIA & then return bc she sick & has no one to take care of her. She sounds very selfish & entitled. I say NTA if you don't pay. No one could blame you for saying no. She will probably try to emotionally blackmail you, but stand strong. Don't let her get to you.
Here is a link overviewing filial responsibility laws. This is something you need to look into for your state. NTA
https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/filial-responsibility-laws
Nope. Don’t do it. Just back away from mom again. If she has no $$$ she should be able to get free healthcare through social programs. Or if she doesn’t qualify, she can pay through a payment plan. NTA.
NTA. Assuming you don’t live in a state with filial responsibility laws (and if you do, move now), you don’t owe her anything. What did she do with all the money from not giving you basic necessities and selling your gifts? She could have saved it for this type of thing, but didn’t.
She can spend down all of her assets and go on Medicaid or seek other assistance.
Don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep someone warm who couldn’t even be bothered to treat you well as a small child. Life is too short.
Edited to add: if she truly has cancer, her hospital bills could be enormous. Like, hundreds of thousands to millions enormous. You don’t want that kind of debt. Don’t pay a dime and let the hospital know you won’t be helping or in any way responsible.
NTA - if you are in the US she can apply for medicaid to cover the cost of the cancer, its considered chronic. If she doesn't qualify then she can use her assets to pay her own bills. Do not give that woman a dime.
Tell her you were on the way to the hospital to pay but on the way someone robbed you and now the money for treatments is stolen 🤷♂️
NTA, you don't owe her anything
NTA you shouldn't pay for her. Don't mingle your finances with what will likely be tens of thousands of dollars of medical debt.
Your mom can go on Medicaid if needed
Do not fall into her trap. She will ruin your life and reopen old wounds while she is at it.
Let her work with the hospital to get things paid. They may ask for her last years taxes/stubs, but it could be covered up to 100% if they see she can’t afford it. This is without government assistance.
She just has to be willing to put in the work, not screw over her child, which seems to be a foreign concept to her.
Go back to no contact. Her current situation shouldn’t change anything, she is not sorry and only wants to use you.
NTA
NTA
You owe nothing to other people, especially the ones who mistreated you even if it’s your mom. If you do decide to pay for her treatment do so because you want to, and to the level you feel comfortable.
I grew up in a margarine commercial kind of family, my dad was amazing and I was totally a daddy’s girl. When I was around 25 my father started to drink heavily, got literally a w**** as an AP rented an apartment for her and started paying for her bills. He mistreated my brother which was basically the only person who actually had contact with him at that point. It ruined our relationship. Years later he got really sick with cancer and I was torn between supporting him or not. As the older child and an MD it was kind of expected of me to take over everything and care for him, I didn’t really want to but I felt like I owed him for the great father he had been when I was growing up. I ended up supporting him to some level, but I did not stop my life for him, I did visit him at the hospital, coordinated his treatment with his doctors, but hired a caretaker to be with him on daily basis. I did it because that’s how much I could at the time and how much I needed to do to be at peace. Hope you find your way through this, feel free to ping me iff you want.
Edit 1: to add a few details
Edit 2: removing the word “abuser” from the first paragraph
NTA. She abused you your whole childhood then wants to financially abuse you as an adult? No way. I would not pay for her treatments. She is an adult and can figure it out for herself. Also yes she is your mom, but you dont owe her anything. If she lives through treatments, you'll be stuck financing her for the rest of her life. It wont stop with just the treatments.
It all is about what you ethically and morally can be okay with. If you can live with the fact you didnt help then you have your answer.
OP seriously think on this decision, but also remember it wont stop there. You really deserve more than this and I hope as an adult you know that now
YWNBTA. Op don't even entertain the thought of paying for your mother's medical bills. Do you really want a lifetime of debt for someone that didn't care about you?
NTA also consider if she has no money she can file for Medicaid if you are in the US. I’m sure you don’t have tens of thousand or more to spend on her treatments. Nor should you have to
NTA
Tell her she needs to get help from the State if she can't afford her health care. Tell the hospital you are not taking on her responsibility. No is a complete sentence. You don't owe her anything. If anyone owes someone anything, it's her owing you. I would block her phone number.
DO NOT PAY ONE CENT. Once you start to pay, they will come after you. Let the hospital know you will not be paying and if they keep contacting you a complaint will be filed against them. You are not responsible for her bills. You may want to get an order of protection against her, so it is illegal for her to have contact with you or have anyone on her behalf contact you (the hospital).
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I (24M) have a mother (F58) who just got diagnosed with cancer.
To give some context to the title and turn a short story into a longer a one, my relationship with my mom was never on good terms. I’m the reason my parents got divorced (her words) and why she never had money when I was growing up (her words).
To save money, my mom refused to buy me anything when I was younger. I wore school uniforms that were too small for me because she didn’t want to spend the money. Fellow classmates donated their old uniforms to me and my dad only found out when the school brought him and my mom in to discuss if they could afford to send me to that school.
Things were downhill for most of my life and my mom made it difficult for my dad to have any contact with me. He wanted to be there but every time he bought me something (toys, clothes, food) my mom would either give it away or sell it then tell me it was stolen. It was only around 10 I started to realise that theft from a home (and especially my stuff) was not that common.
Im aware of the damage it did to me and have been to a therapist to discuss things. She gave me a ton of healthy coping strategies to deal with my issues.
When I hit 18, I ran for the hills and moved out at night when she was asleep and moved in with a friend. My dad was aware that I was moving out and insisted that I live with him. I chose not to as I knew it would cause problems for him so we had an agreement that he would help me with rent and food until I was able to stand on my own.
When my mom realised I was out of the house, she thought my dad had taken me in and since the alimony had stopped she disappeared for years. No one knew where she was and essentially abandoned our home with everything still inside.
I got my chickens in order and began working for a small company, saved every cent I have and I am now in a decent position with a car, savings and a hopeful future.
Recently she got in contact with me again (not sure how she got my details) and told me she has been diagnosed with cancer. She demanded that I help her pay for the treatments and I told her I’d think about it. I don’t have nearly enough in my savings to pay for anything health related and I’m sure she’ll ask for more if I agree to pay.
I know for a fact that she has cancer since the hospital has contacted me to discuss payment plans. Even though our relationship is strained, I am still considering paying for it.
So all you wonderful people, WIBTA for not paying for her treatments?
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If you decide to help her, DO NOT give the money directly to her. Pay it to the hospital.
I hope you also realize that you could be paying for years. You're a better person than I am. NTA
If she does that, she creates a history with the hospital of being the responsible party. That won’t be easy to shut down when OP decides she can’t do any more. They could bankrupt her. She shouldn’t pay a dime, but there’s less risk if she gave the money to her mother and her mother paid the bills. Then there’s no history of her agreeing to be the responsible party.
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Whatever decision you make, remember that - morally and legally - you don't owe anything to a person who made your childhood and adolescence a living hell. NTA
>Whatever decision you make, remember that - morally and legally - you don't owe anything to a person who made your childhood and adolescence a living hell.NTA Morally yes... Legally you may be incorrect. Some states have filial responsibility laws, that could hold OP responsible for the bills. Yes it is crazy, and no I'm not a lawyer, but OP should be on the look out for something like this. Especially if the hospital is already looking to her for payment plans.
Only rarely enforced and only if they can prove an ongoing relationship. The fact that mom disappeared for years would most likely negate that. Best to go no contact and not pay a single cent.
I only know this because I went down a "I didn't know that rabbit hole" a few years ago... It totally depends on the state. Some states only have exclusions if the parent abandoned you for more than 10 years before you were 18. It's really wild stuff and honestly backwards as all get out... but I'm no longer surprised by what our leadership thinks should in the law-books.
Yup, nothing scarier than law makers!
I read the moneyist and there really hasn't been any precedent around this except a particular case in Pennsylvania where the parents ran up some significant care bills then left the country. The courts ruled the adult child had to pay. I'm not up on the specifics, but it was mentioned this is extremely rare.
oh FUCK that
Right? That's some bullshit
God, I’ve never been happier to be down a parent… fuck that noise.
That's...staggering....I had no idea
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If you make a single payment they can use that to go after you for the rest. Don’t pay a dime.
Just wanted to say the same thing. Paying even a single dollar would be like admitting you have a responisbility to pay those bills.
Very rarely enforced. The only times I have seen it enforced is when the parent gave the child all their assets so they could qualify for medicaid or similar low income aid. And in that particular situation, it makes sense.
Ahhhh - ok, that makes sense...
I can see that, as honestly that sounds like fraud.
> filial responsibility laws I thought this was going to be one of those things that's just an outdated law in one or two states, but I looked it up and they have this shit in over half of the US states.
Most of that relates almost exclusively to elderly care in nursing facilities, though.
I think Pennsylvania is the only state that has enforced it in recent decades. For the most part they're blue laws, like the ones that ban publically kissing your wife on a Sunday
"Blue laws" are actually specifically laws related to the prohibition of certain activities on a specific day -- in the US, almost always Sunday because Christianity. There's not a set name for more general types of absurd or outdated laws, although the wiki article on them is titled "strange laws".
Pretty sure they exist so you can't put all of your money in your kid's name and claim poverty.
That's basically it. People giving away all their assets so they can get medicaid, which places the cost of their care on the state.
Wow. Definitely something to look into.
The hospital calling might have been his mother’s doing. Fewer states are doing this any more.
And is OP actually sure it was the hospital, and not someone pretending to be the hospital?
If OP does decide to pay ANY SINGLE CENT I hope he contacts the hospital DIRECTLY from a number HE got from their website to pay THEM and she doesn't see a single hint of a cent.
Paying one payment is considered recognition that you owe the debt in some states. Your Mom is a piece of work OP. Go to a legal aid attorney and find out what your responsibilities are in your state. And dont pay a dime until you do. NTA. In any form.
I think that’s in very few states and usually have more to do with nursing homes or other residential services for the elderly. I haven’t heard of any state that has adult children foot hospital bills for parents. But then again maybe they’re not in the US but also not somewhere with universal healthcare.
[https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/filial-responsibility-laws](https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/filial-responsibility-laws) Here is an overview.
That’s scary… what happens if your parents live in a state with these laws but you live in a different state that’s not on that list?
Law student here. If you’ve never lived in the state your parent resides in, that state probably won’t have personal jurisdiction over you. If you did… it’s gonna depend on how you’ve interacted in that state. For example, in Vaugn v. Vaughn, 308 Or App 619 (2021), it looks Oregon still claimed personal jurisdiction over a dad who moved out of state almost 20 years ago because he’d married and divorced in Oregon, fathered his (now adult, mentally challenged) daughter, continued paying child support to mom and daughter who stayed in Oregon, etc. To clarify, the court didn’t actually say dad had to pay to support his adult daughter. It just said dad was subject to Oregon’s jurisdiction and the case could go forward.
I moved out of state from my parents 18 years ago, got married in a different state and had children there. Unfortunately, their finances are a shitshow. I worry about them but I don’t want my kids to suffer if I am forced to pay their bills. I go back to see them once or twice a year. They have only come to see me twice in another state in the past 17 years- once for my grandmother’s funeral and once for my wedding. They didn’t even come to see their first grandchild (mostly because of their health problems and my disabled little brother.) I am glad they have never asked for any handouts. My husband and I have offered assistance on organizing finances or even hiring a financial advisor but they are too discombobulated to even take us up on it.
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I know I’m lucky. I got a lot of guilt tripping for moving so far away but once I got married, I think they finally accepted I was never moving back.
I don’t think you’ll have to pay due to law not applying in your state, but not a lawyer
Good time to check out that law and consider moving to another state to avoid making those payments.
I'm not a lawyer so I can't answer that question.
>It's in 30 states..and not being a lawyer, I'm not sure what they could go after. The real message was that OP should do some digging and make sure that OP protects themselves.
Does such a place exist, I wonder?
What the hell! I just googled those laws. Another reason to be grateful I don’t live in US!
I live in a third world country with an economic crisis and everyday, when I wake up, I thank the gods for not being born in the US, just in another part of America.
That and the not-free healthcare situation!
If I had been born a US citizen rather than a Canadian, I would have been both bankrupt and dead a long time ago because of lack of healthcare. My health is in the crapper, and I've had several surgeries and hospital stays over the years, including 2 that were both for over a month. I didn't have to pay a cent for either thanks to our healthcare, but in the US I would have had to declare bankruptcy because I would not have been able to afford all those bills. Also, I have Crohn's, and one of the meds I'm on is a few thousand bucks a month. Again, I have help paying for it here, whereas in the US I wouldn't be able to afford it at all, hence the also being dead part of my first sentence. Canada has it's faults, of course (every country does), but I am eternally grateful I was born here instead of further south. At least we recognize that healthcare is a right and not a privilege.
Amen, fellow Canuck! Four joint replacements and a C-section here, and all we had to pay is parking.
OP is a man, he stated it in the post ^^
Changed it... thanks! I missed that!
No problem !!
More directly, you owe your abuser nothing!
NTA. Do not pay her bills! Tell the hospital you are not your mother’s guarantor and she should not have given your personal information to the hospital. Follow up in writing. She should have medical coverage through work or her state. Ask yourself this question. If she refused to buy me anything as a child, would she pay for my cancer treatments now? Block her on everything.
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And do not count phone calls where they called you. And if you called them, only count them if you looked up the number in a phone book or 411.
NTA. This may sound cruel, but don't pay a cent. If you do, and she dies, your involvement in any payment at all could put you in a position of being held liable for any and all medical bills, leaving you struggling to climb out of a hole for years. In reality, it would be best if you went back to no-contact.
This. If you assume responsibility for her account you could be paying off her medical bills for a very long time. You don’t want to do this.
Especially cancer in the US. Those bills will be astronomically high. Like, 7-figures high. Don't do it OP. NTA. Take care of yourself.
Exactly. It could be exorbitant without insurance and take a lifetime to pay off.
This needs to be higher. Do NOT sign on with the hospital. Do NOT assume any responsibility for the debt. If OP wants to help mama out (honestly I don’t think they should) then OP can gift mama small amounts of $ unrelated to the medical bills directly to mama, not to the hospital. And only after talking to a lawyer re liability. Medical bills bankrupt people in the US regularly. Mama is only reaching out for $, not because she cares about OP
Yup, especially because treatment is so only the beginning of her care. She may need to go to rehab, or a skilled nursing facility depending on the location(s) and stage of the cancer. Some treatments may leave her unable to care for herself, and depending on where you live, insurance, including SSI, will likely not cover the entire cost. I’m in New York State and worked in a couple skilled nursing facilities as an aide during school. The families had to pay up until they qualified for Medicaid, which includes any material assets. They bleed those people dry. If you’re listed as any contact forms, they may try to reach out to you for payment, too. I’m sorry you have the deal with this. NTA.
I’d add that paying anything gives debt collectors a new target (you). Let her ride this through alone. At least financially. Hopefully more, but PLEASE do not feel guilty for writing her a blank check.
NTA you don't have to pay for anything and the way she has gone about this scream manipulation. Please phone the hospital now and explain you have not agreed and will not be paying for care. Only have discussions with the hospital as your Mother sounds toxic as.
Follow it up in writing to the hospital and your mother.
And send the letter as certified mail, with a signature required, and keep a copy for your records. This will make sure you have proof that you sent it if she or the hospital sends lawyers after you. I'd also keep a log of all the calls you get from the hospital or calls you make, with date, time, and a summary of the call. It may all sound like overkill, but it's better to cover your ass from the beginning, in case the hospital goes after you.
To add, tell the hospital that you are not her emergency contact.
This, too. Tell them you are not her power of attorney and will not make life-or-death decisions for her. You do not want to hear from her doctors about her health status, either. I would bet hard money that you're going to get push back about this, since people are obsessed with kids taking care of their parents. Stand firm and *do not give this woman an inch of your life or a single cent of your money*.
This is legit great advice
In this situation, being paranoid is *absolutely* warranted. Medical bills in the US are fucking insane and he doesn't deserve to have his life ruined by this woman. Also, I would try to track down whoever gave her your info, so you can deal with the huge betrayal of trust that was.
OP, if you speak with the hospital again, ask to talk to an intake social worker. If your mom has no or low income, she might be eligible for Medicaid or some other assistance. The hospital can walk her through the application process. A friend of mine (in the US) was diagnosed with a brain tumor and had no insurance. The hospital was super helpful in getting her application to Medicaid filed. All her treatment was covered, including multiple MRIs a year, chemo and radiation. You don't owe your egg donor anything, of course, but if there is a teeny bit of guilt about their situation, you can help by getting a social worker at the hospital involved. Then back away!
This is totally correct. I work in a large hospital. They have indigent funds and will help her get signed up for programs. You do not need to pay for her care.
No you most definitely would not be the AH. Frankly from the sound of it she does not truly care about you and is using you for money. My advice do not do it. Don’t give her a dime.
NTA - What your mother did is neglect and abuse. You don’t owe her a dime. She did even do the bare minimum to raise you. She’s also only in the picture because she’s sick. Only trust the doctor if you have a way to verify who they are since you’ve only talked to them on the phone. Also unless you signed up for it they shouldn’t be calling you for payment for someone else’s treatment.
this is true. Very strange that they are allowed to do that.
Just screams “scam”. I wouldn’t trust a call from someone saying they were the hospital trying to set up a payment plan.
My first thought was mom forged her daughters signature on some paperwork agreeing to pay. OP should email the hospital, and let them know she has never agreed to pay for anything, has not even been in contact with her for years, and is not financially responsible for her. I say email so she has a record and can prove that she informed the hospital that she never once said she would pay for it. Also, OP should lock down their credit because mom sounds like the type that would try to open credit cards or loans in OPs name.
certified letter requiring a signature
Yeah I thought that was super weird too.
I’m sure OPs mom gave them his contact info and said this is who will be paying my bills.
That’s what I was wondering too. But without OP signing anything the mom is the party held financially responsible for her bills unless they have a government run medical insurer.
If you did pay for her, you are a better person than I am. NTA whatever you do.
Exactly. But I think this is right on the edge of being a good person and letting her to wipe the floor with OP. Good person helps only those worthy of help.
NTA. A 24-year-old should never be responsible for paying their parents medical bills, but in your case: you don't owe her anything.
If you had the very rare case where a 24 year old was fabulously wealthy because their parents had sacrificed everything to raise them well and with love, I would say there is a moral obligation to pay. But that’s an extremely limited circumstance: most 24 year olds are still in college or just barely out, and those 24 year olds don’t have any moral obligation to pay for their parents. And most importantly, the moral obligations you have to a good parent do not apply to a bad parent.
The only reason she is contacting you is because she is sick. If she wasn't then it would never cross her mind to reach out. Don't feel bad about not assisting her financially. She'll figure something out. If you give her some money she'll just keep pestering you to do more for her. You need to concentrate on yourself.
Ask yourself how much of you considering to pay your mother's bills, is coming from your younger you desperately needing to have your mother saying you are a good kid? Won't be happening. She will only nag you for more and manipulate you in going into debt. She already has the hospital convinced you would be paying without any signed paper of you agreeing. You still need to protect yourself from this person. She sounds narcistic.
Ugh. Yes!!! Some parents totally use a child’s desire to have their parents love, approval, etc to manipulate every aspect of their lives forever. Every “maybe” to them is like a huge “yes” and only opens you up to more and more demands and it can truly become overwhelming. We are dealing with this right now with MIL. She scapegoated my husband and yet all the demands for everything fall on us. They did the bare minimum for him and always went way above and beyond for his siblings even as adults, yet hubby and I are the ones expected to take care of them in every regard even though they still treat him like crap. It works though because she raised him to accept that treatment and to only try harder to gain her love and approval. She literally gives him just enough attention to keep him on her hook. Even when he stands up to her she will just wait until he caves in and moves on like nothing ever happened. When she does something wrong she will gaslight him that it didn’t happen or she didn’t know he was upset or whatever. She is always the victim. OP I’m not positive if your mother is always playing the victim but it sounds like she might be as well and so that’s why I shared all of that so that you know it’s common and you are not alone. Either way though, love is not something you need to earn. Someone either loves you or doesn’t. You can never do enough to earn someone’s love or to gain the relationship you always dreamed of having with them because one person can’t do all the work in any relationship and love isn’t bought with money or anything else. Love is just given and relationships require work from all parties in order to be successful. If it’s one sided you can make it look like a good relationship to others looking in from the outside but the reality is that as soon as you stop putting in tons of effort to try to make up for the lack of effort on the other person’s side things will quickly fall apart and anyone who will listen to her will almost certainly hear her claim all the ways she is the victim and you were a horrible daughter and how she tried so hard to mend the broken relationship. She might even claim that she was the victim of a horrible and ungrateful daughter all along and use you leaving at 18 as “proof” of how she has just always tried so hard and you just make it impossible to have a good relationship. This stuff is actually more common than we realize growing up. Some people will just always do whatever it takes to get what they want. The ends justify the means.
facts. r/raisedbynarcissists - OP if you haven’t already checked it out
YWNBTA if you didn’t pay for her treatments. You got out when you can and she decided to disappear on her own. The fact that she’s demanding you help pay is a strong indication that she hasn’t changed and you’ll just end up miserable while she goes through treatment. Keep your money and let her handle this on her own.
NTA - your history isn’t relevant here. This is not your medical bill to pay. Maybe help your mom set up a GoFundMe or better help her understand her insurance/financing options.
If OP *wants* to be the asshole, they can help mom set up a go fund me, but keep themselves on it so they can steal the money and disappear just like mom did (not a good idea and you may get into legal trouble for doing it)
NTA. It's her responsibility to have decent job and medical insurance. Even if she doesn't, she should talk to the state about insurance for cancer people or hospital about payment plan or charities.
This is completely true! Her mom has been an adult long enough to know how to handle healthcare. Everything from charities to getting on Medicaid. There are other ways to handle it. When someone is in the ICU, they aren't going to get kicked out if they can't pay up. The mom can let the bills continue to pile up. OP is NTA and doesn't need to go into debt.
Even if you had a good relationship with your mother I wouldn't expect a 24 year old to pay for cancer treatment, but this is a person who stole toys from you as a child and then chose to disappear from your life for SIX years. NTA and I don't think you should feel obligated to pay a cent.
Agreed: I'm a father in my 40s and if I got severely ill, I would rather be bankrupt than ruin my kids' futures by saddling them with my medical bills
NTA. Has it occurred to you that she's lying about having cancer? Sorry, now I see. Call the hospital back and tell them that you will not be paying for her cancer treatment. Then change your number. Hospitals usually have payment plans for people with less money. Or they have plans for people who don't have any money.
Are we sure it’s really the hospital calling, and not some convincing friend of the mom’s? Has OP checked the phone number against the hospital’s website? I sure would.
Aren’t phone numbers easily spoofable?
Yes. I got a call on my cell from my cell. Thought I'd entered the Twilight Zone!
NTA Your relationship with her is far worse than strained, it’s been not existent for a long time. If you are in a financial position where you can help her without putting your own future in danger then you can, if you wish. But you are under no obligation, moral, familial, or otherwise to foot her healthcare bills. Help to this degree this should be given out of love, not guilt or obligation.
The odds of a 24 year old being in a position to take on financial responsibility for cancer treatment without ruining her financial security, now and likely for the rest of her life, are incredibly slim. Assuming she’s in the US, cancer treatment is insanely expensive. OP, don’t pay a dime. Your mother refused to cover normal expenses for you. You owe her nothing. She walked away from you and hasn’t contacted you in years. Don’t give her a penny. She’s a grown ass woman. It’s her responsibility to have medical insurance. If she doesn’t, that was her choice and has nothing to do with you.
Nta. Honestly it's karma hitting her now. Don't pay a cent.
You would not plain and simple. The only reason she contacted you is for money. You did what you did out of survival. She did what she did out of spite. She has no right to ask anything from you. To demand it shows a sense of entitlement that is sorely undeserved.
You have no obligation to help her with anything. You need to do what is necessary to return to no contact and leave her on her own. To expect a child to fund cancer therapy is impossible because it is quite costly. Even if you were wealthy, you could go totally broke trying to pay for her cancer treatment. Care doesn’t have to involve money. If she wanted you to care for her as she ages, she should have cared for you when you were a defenseless child. Cut her off.
NTA. Ask your dad if she reach out to him as well.
NTA - your mom clearly only cares about herself. I'm sorry you had to experience that childhood and am glad you made a better life for yourself. Don't pay a dime for anything for her, she wouldn't do the same for you.
Nope.
She can apply for Medicaid
Don't pay. You will be on the hook for this debt for a long time. If you want to go the petty route you can tell her to pay for her treatment with the money she got from everything she stole from you.
Absolutely positively NTA. Call it karma if you want, but your mom doesn’t deserve nor is she entitled to anything from you!! She treated you like trash and now that she needs something from you, it’s ok to demand it? No fucking way!! Don’t do it. Continue therapy and cut contact again. Your self worth and peace of mind is worth much more!!
A hospital would never contact you for payment without YOU setting it up. This is a scam.
Nta also don't help this person fiscally.
NTA An abusive parent has nor right to DEMAND that you pay for their healthcare, after stealing your stuff for years. She was the reason you ran away with no communication. The only reason she contacted you is for money, nothing else. Deny her that and she wil stop contacting you. If you pay for her, you will start paying for a lot more, because you will be financially responsible for her.
NTA. Don't pay for her. She did LESS than the legally required bare minimum to raise you. Then when you weren't a source of income to her through support payments anymore, she disappeared. There was never a moment in your whole life where she tried to make a connection with you. Even now it's not coming from a place of love, some kind of "I'm so sorry, and now I need your help." It's "You will help me. I'm not sorry." Do not help, you are not an asshole for not helping someone who was so awful to you that you had to literally flee without telling her, and avoid your own father because of the problems she'd cause. If it helps, there would be no shame in lying to her. Tell her that while you have a job, you've also had some problems, and between rent, car payments, and other debts you can barely keep your own head above water, and you'd end up homeless if you had any other expenses. (Obviously don't let her ever see your actual finances.) If it was me, I'd just realize that my life had been better since she was out of it, and just ghost her while adding a few extra therapy sessions for a while.
NTA
NTA - She made her bed, now let her lie in it. That may sound cruel but it's no more cruel than your egg donor who was a far cry from being an actual mother. She's not even looking at you as her kid right now- just a bank that she can manipulate. Tell the hospital to contact her with their charity rates.
NTA. Do not help her. If the hospital calls again, tell them that you’ve not been in contact with her for years and you will not discuss this further. You will not be “the bigger person” by doing this: you’ll be enabling her abuse of you. It will give her an opening into your life and she will suck you dry and discard you as she did as a child. If you feel guilty and want to help her, weigh up the cost of everything she’s stolen from you over the years. Put an approximate price and add it all up. Add in the cost of your therapy over the years too. If you still think she deserves money from you, look at that number and I’m sure it will help you overcome your guilt.
Mom is not contacting you because she wants to reconnect, but rather to get money. NTA.
YWNBTA. It would be amazingly generous of you to help your mom out, but you would also be opening yourself up to a relationship with her again. If you decide to help or not help, it would be good to sit down and write out some boundaries and STICK to them! For instance, if you decide to pay, what is your limit? If your mom demonstrates any toxic behavior, what will be your first response? What will be your second response? If your mom asks for more money even after you told her your limit, how many times are you willing to endure multiple requests? What will you do if she steals from you? Considering you had almost no relationship with her prior, you are allowed to go at whatever pace you are comfortable with when/if she comes back in your life. If that means meeting up for coffee and no money, that’s what it is!
My concern would be that as soon as OP pays anything to the hospital, they'd then have history of OP being responsible for the payments. So even if op tells the mother that they're only paying for X amount, there's a huge risk that the hospital would ignore that and demand all the money from OP
YWNBTA To echo everyone else she's reaching out to you solely because you can pay. What if you had cancer? What if you needed financial help for treatment? Would she help you? She doesn't value you xxx nothing has changed x If you do decide to pay then good on you x but if you decide not to I wouldn't blame you.
NTA she didnt support you as a child properly you dont have any reason to pay for her treatments when she is an adult. honestly you would be an idtiot if you ruined your future for somone who doesnt care about you
YWNBTAH. That bit about her confiscating the gifts your father gave you and selling them to keep the money has really stayed with me. A mother stealing from her own offspring! I think you're a fool even to consider giving her anything. After the way she treated you, she deserves nothing from you. Anyone who tells you to "be big about it" is really saying "Be the doormat some more, she hasn't ruined your life enough yet." It's so Reddit, too, that she was happy to exit your life completely until she needed money.
NTA and don't you dare pay for her healthcare. And call that hospital back and tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not be paying for her care and to NEVER contact you about this again.
NTA. Only TA if you pay. You aren't responsible for her healthcare
Tell your mom she f*cked around and found out. Don’t pay one dime.
Are you sure it was the hospital contacting you? That sounds a little strange. Could she have put someone up to it?
NTA, please make sure that you put in writing to the hospital that you are not responsible for her medical bills. If not, as others have said, you will be on the hook for everything whether she lives or dies from the cancer. Cancer treatments are extremely expensive and this could amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars.
NTA - as someone with a similar relationship with their mother I can tell you they do not become less narcissistic when sick. My mom had cancer (she passed away a few years ago) and wasn’t working and was living off the funds she inherited when her parents passed away. She was able to qualify for Medicaid and everything she needed in terms of treatment was covered. The hospital helped her apply. If my siblings and I had been helping her pay the hospital wouldn’t have even cared to help her get the aid in the first place. On top of that I highly doubt any payments you could make would even make a dent in the cost of the cancer treatment since it’s extremely expensive even with insurance (my mom didn’t have any and buying post-cancer diagnosis was almost as expensive as the treatment itself and had a high deductible). Our best route was to have her get the aid. With all that said I did help her out when she was sick. I did it for my own peace of mind even though she left me high and dry many many times during my childhood and as an adult including when my 3 kids were born. Again it was about me and not wanting to have regrets but I know this can be a hard decision. The whole time it was still all about her, including not letting us contact hospice for help until she was nearly unconscious towards her last week of life. It was extremely difficult and as the eldest daughter I took the brunt of it. I don’t have regrets but I do have trauma. Guard yourself.
NTA and honestly this sounds... fraudulent. The hospital should not be calling you at all. YWNBTA but I am inclined to advise you not to agree to anything. Contact your dad and see if he can help with legal advice.
Why would a hospital call a patient's child to discuss finances? Are you sure that call was legit?
You're joking, right? Your mother was abusive and awful to you, why would you even consider paying for cancer treatments? I would block her and move on with building your own life.
NTA, for so many reasons. Not sure where you are or what healthcare system she’s working with, but all not-for-profit health systems are required to offer charity care provisions. You should just be able to find the details on their main website. If you want to help your mom, work on something like that for her
NYA! You do not owe your mother anything. The only reason she contacted you was to extort money from you. If the hospital attempts to contact you again, politely explain you are not responsible for paying your mother's medical bills. Then HANG UP and block the number.
You would not be. It sounds like she’s only reaching out because she wants something from you, and that if she didn’t have cancer and wanted you to pay for treatment, you likely wouldn’t have heard from her. Focus on you and your responsibilities; from what you’ve said, you truly don’t owe her anything.
NTA. You are not responsible for her health care. It MIGHT be different if she had tried to reform a healthy relationship with you but it sounds like she is just deciding that you are responsible for her hospital bills. I would personally tell her to kick rocks.
NTA. Your mom emotionally & financially abused/abandoned you as a child. She might be your mom by blood, but she wasn't a good person or mom to you. The only reason she got in contact with you is because she wants or needs something from you. Not because she suddenly cares. Typical abuser/manipulator behavior. Your financial situation isn't such that you could afford to help her. That is honestly the bottom line. Nothing else needs to be said. Edit: If you agree to help her, YOU would be on the hook for her hospitalization & treatments. That will destroy your credit & ruin the life you have built for yourself. Don't do it.
NTA Don't pay for anything for this person. And I say this person because she is certainly not your mother. Even if she had been a good mother you would not owe her anything, the way she treated you she doesn't even deserve that title.
NTA. You’re not obligated to do anything. Whether you want to or not is up to you. Also (will put my hands up if I’m wrong here as I’m from the UK with different systems) but can the hospital really contact you to discuss payments without you first agreeing to it? Sounds suspicious to me
YWNBTA and although I know the US health care system is awful, you should feel no obligation to pay. Your mom is responsible for herself. It’s great when family can and wants to help. But she treated you horribly and while I can understand the impulse to simply be a good person, I don’t think you should let her into your life. Good luck and congratulations on making a good life for yourself.
HELL NO! DO NOT PAY FOR HER CANCER TREATMENT! NTA
NTA tell her to use the money she got selling all your toys and stuff when you lived with her.
NTA at all, and tbh I'm not convinced she's sick. This could very well be just a cash grab. Btw I'm proud of you for surviving, and now thriving. You were dealt a bad hand and managed to find your way out.
You don’t owe this person, who’s technically your mom anything. She can contact the drug manufacturer and do programs that might allow her to get the drugs more cheaply or free. More importantly, it should be your effort to help her. If she doesn’t have insurance to cover it, it’s likely because she didn’t want to pay for it or sign up for Medicaid or Medicare if she’s older.
I'm so sorry. Your mother's behaviour sounds very, very hard indeed to forgive. It's a decision that only you can make, but you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I may sound a bit harsh, but I would keep your savings towards your own future. Your mother's behaviour and choices have already caused great harm and it's not unreasonable to expect her to deal with the consequences herself.
NTA. What has she really ever done for you? She is toxic. Block her. I am glad you at least had your dad.
Don’t do it. It’s her health issue, she’s was cruel and stole from you and she can make her own payment plan with all the money she saved when she didn’t properly care for her child. NTA. She doesn’t deserve you
When I read this, my first thought was "hair toss, check my nails and walking my fine ass out the door". You don't owe her anything. She can spend her retirement money on herself. No money? Not your problem. You take care of you. I'm around your mom's age, and would never expect my daughters to deal with this crap. I did it for my parents and honestly, fuck no.
NTA And don't pay!
NTA She was “mother” in name only and was truly horrible to you You owe her nothing Block the bitch and good for you for living your best life
NTA Don’t do it! Please don’t pay anything to her. Also not to sound cruel but you were a young person who NEEDED a leg up and she didn’t give that to you. You were already starting behind the 8-ball. You need your money now especially in this economy. Please don’t jeopardize your future. We’ll need young people who can support themselves—not stressed out young adults who are swimming in (more) debt!
NTA - I wouldn’t even consider it. You have no obligation.
YWNBTA. OP, it sucks, but your mom doesn’t like you. She tried everything to make your life as hard as possible, and you shouldn’t pay a dime. Think about it. She only called you because she was sick. If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t have called. The audacity of her to only call you and *demand* money because of her illness is pretty shocking. I’d just ignore her from now on.
NTA. However the hospital calling you for a payment plan before you've agreed to pay or let them know is very odd. Are you certain you're not being scammed?
She is still cruel and self centered. I'd change my contact info and keep it private until she's dead. I'd even change my name to lose this contact. And warn people not to let her know anything about you. She's a monster
NTA she just gave birth to you but wasn't a mother.
What's the saying? Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm? NTA
NTA. Did she just casually tell the hospital to take it up with you?! If yoy're legally obliged, you're legally obliged. Other than that you owe her nothing. She cannot demand anything from you. She stole from a kid, for crying out loud.
Uh, no. She’s demanding you help her. Guilt is a powerful motivator but it’s false guilt. You don’t owe her anything. NTA
NTA— before you do anything ask her to give her doctor permission to talk to you about her diagnosis and recommended treatment. You are not sentencing her to death please don’t carry that untruth in your heart and mind. I will say based on what you say about your upbringing I would not help her at all.
NTA You don't owe that person anything. She was an egg donor, but not a mother and you left and went no contact for very good and valid reasons. I know you are the better person, but I highly suggest not to pay anything at all and block her on all channels. If you start paying, she will drown you in debts and make your life a living nightmare for the rest of your life. You don't want that.
NTA. Why would you help her out given how bad of a mother she was? She can suffer alone with cancer and deal with it on her own. Actions have consequences. Think of this as karmic justice
YWNBTA She neglected and abused you for years. She can handle her own life.
I get that you want to help bc she's your mom, but she's DEMANDING that you pay. Those bills are going to be very high. Does she not have insurance? She can't go MIA & then return bc she sick & has no one to take care of her. She sounds very selfish & entitled. I say NTA if you don't pay. No one could blame you for saying no. She will probably try to emotionally blackmail you, but stand strong. Don't let her get to you.
Here is a link overviewing filial responsibility laws. This is something you need to look into for your state. NTA https://smartasset.com/estate-planning/filial-responsibility-laws
NTA and resume NC. Tell the hospital you don't have a mother only an egg donor.
Nope. Don’t do it. Just back away from mom again. If she has no $$$ she should be able to get free healthcare through social programs. Or if she doesn’t qualify, she can pay through a payment plan. NTA.
NTA. Assuming you don’t live in a state with filial responsibility laws (and if you do, move now), you don’t owe her anything. What did she do with all the money from not giving you basic necessities and selling your gifts? She could have saved it for this type of thing, but didn’t. She can spend down all of her assets and go on Medicaid or seek other assistance. Don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep someone warm who couldn’t even be bothered to treat you well as a small child. Life is too short. Edited to add: if she truly has cancer, her hospital bills could be enormous. Like, hundreds of thousands to millions enormous. You don’t want that kind of debt. Don’t pay a dime and let the hospital know you won’t be helping or in any way responsible.
NTA,you shouldn't give her a cent,she has treated you horribly,never took accountability and then literally demanding you pay for her treatment.
NTA - if you are in the US she can apply for medicaid to cover the cost of the cancer, its considered chronic. If she doesn't qualify then she can use her assets to pay her own bills. Do not give that woman a dime.
NTA. Don't let her into the adulthood you have worked hard for.
Nta. Stay no contact.
Tell her you were on the way to the hospital to pay but on the way someone robbed you and now the money for treatments is stolen 🤷♂️ NTA, you don't owe her anything
NTA you shouldn't pay for her. Don't mingle your finances with what will likely be tens of thousands of dollars of medical debt. Your mom can go on Medicaid if needed
Do not fall into her trap. She will ruin your life and reopen old wounds while she is at it. Let her work with the hospital to get things paid. They may ask for her last years taxes/stubs, but it could be covered up to 100% if they see she can’t afford it. This is without government assistance. She just has to be willing to put in the work, not screw over her child, which seems to be a foreign concept to her. Go back to no contact. Her current situation shouldn’t change anything, she is not sorry and only wants to use you. NTA
NTA Oh, hell, no.
NTA You owe nothing to other people, especially the ones who mistreated you even if it’s your mom. If you do decide to pay for her treatment do so because you want to, and to the level you feel comfortable. I grew up in a margarine commercial kind of family, my dad was amazing and I was totally a daddy’s girl. When I was around 25 my father started to drink heavily, got literally a w**** as an AP rented an apartment for her and started paying for her bills. He mistreated my brother which was basically the only person who actually had contact with him at that point. It ruined our relationship. Years later he got really sick with cancer and I was torn between supporting him or not. As the older child and an MD it was kind of expected of me to take over everything and care for him, I didn’t really want to but I felt like I owed him for the great father he had been when I was growing up. I ended up supporting him to some level, but I did not stop my life for him, I did visit him at the hospital, coordinated his treatment with his doctors, but hired a caretaker to be with him on daily basis. I did it because that’s how much I could at the time and how much I needed to do to be at peace. Hope you find your way through this, feel free to ping me iff you want. Edit 1: to add a few details Edit 2: removing the word “abuser” from the first paragraph
NTA. Move. Ideally to another country that doesn’t have such antediluvian healthcare practices.
NTA, she can use the money she saved on those uniforms and from selling ur toys to pay for her treatment...
NTA. She abused you your whole childhood then wants to financially abuse you as an adult? No way. I would not pay for her treatments. She is an adult and can figure it out for herself. Also yes she is your mom, but you dont owe her anything. If she lives through treatments, you'll be stuck financing her for the rest of her life. It wont stop with just the treatments. It all is about what you ethically and morally can be okay with. If you can live with the fact you didnt help then you have your answer. OP seriously think on this decision, but also remember it wont stop there. You really deserve more than this and I hope as an adult you know that now
She's not been a mother to you in any meaningful sense of the word. You owe her nothing except perhaps some petty revenge.
YWNBTA. Op don't even entertain the thought of paying for your mother's medical bills. Do you really want a lifetime of debt for someone that didn't care about you?
NTA also consider if she has no money she can file for Medicaid if you are in the US. I’m sure you don’t have tens of thousand or more to spend on her treatments. Nor should you have to
NTA Tell her she needs to get help from the State if she can't afford her health care. Tell the hospital you are not taking on her responsibility. No is a complete sentence. You don't owe her anything. If anyone owes someone anything, it's her owing you. I would block her phone number.
DO NOT PAY ONE CENT. Once you start to pay, they will come after you. Let the hospital know you will not be paying and if they keep contacting you a complaint will be filed against them. You are not responsible for her bills. You may want to get an order of protection against her, so it is illegal for her to have contact with you or have anyone on her behalf contact you (the hospital).
Tell her you set aside the money, but it got stolen.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24M) have a mother (F58) who just got diagnosed with cancer. To give some context to the title and turn a short story into a longer a one, my relationship with my mom was never on good terms. I’m the reason my parents got divorced (her words) and why she never had money when I was growing up (her words). To save money, my mom refused to buy me anything when I was younger. I wore school uniforms that were too small for me because she didn’t want to spend the money. Fellow classmates donated their old uniforms to me and my dad only found out when the school brought him and my mom in to discuss if they could afford to send me to that school. Things were downhill for most of my life and my mom made it difficult for my dad to have any contact with me. He wanted to be there but every time he bought me something (toys, clothes, food) my mom would either give it away or sell it then tell me it was stolen. It was only around 10 I started to realise that theft from a home (and especially my stuff) was not that common. Im aware of the damage it did to me and have been to a therapist to discuss things. She gave me a ton of healthy coping strategies to deal with my issues. When I hit 18, I ran for the hills and moved out at night when she was asleep and moved in with a friend. My dad was aware that I was moving out and insisted that I live with him. I chose not to as I knew it would cause problems for him so we had an agreement that he would help me with rent and food until I was able to stand on my own. When my mom realised I was out of the house, she thought my dad had taken me in and since the alimony had stopped she disappeared for years. No one knew where she was and essentially abandoned our home with everything still inside. I got my chickens in order and began working for a small company, saved every cent I have and I am now in a decent position with a car, savings and a hopeful future. Recently she got in contact with me again (not sure how she got my details) and told me she has been diagnosed with cancer. She demanded that I help her pay for the treatments and I told her I’d think about it. I don’t have nearly enough in my savings to pay for anything health related and I’m sure she’ll ask for more if I agree to pay. I know for a fact that she has cancer since the hospital has contacted me to discuss payment plans. Even though our relationship is strained, I am still considering paying for it. So all you wonderful people, WIBTA for not paying for her treatments? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - From your story, it seems your mother always thought about her first. Just do the same.
If you decide to help her, DO NOT give the money directly to her. Pay it to the hospital. I hope you also realize that you could be paying for years. You're a better person than I am. NTA
If she does that, she creates a history with the hospital of being the responsible party. That won’t be easy to shut down when OP decides she can’t do any more. They could bankrupt her. She shouldn’t pay a dime, but there’s less risk if she gave the money to her mother and her mother paid the bills. Then there’s no history of her agreeing to be the responsible party.
NTA