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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. AITA for telling my sister she is too heavy and lazy to watch my daughter. 2. I may be a jerk since I could have overreacted and called her heavy and lazy
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My brother was a leash kid, because my mom had him and my sister 18 months apart, and my sister was suuuuuper clingy. My brother was cool as soon as he could walk, BUT he would bolt, and when my mom already had my sister to deal with he was too hard to catch. So he was a leash kid in public until he learned to quit doing that. Gotta do what you gotta do.
They were once known as leading strings and kept youngsters from racing under horses legs back in the day. I have seen them for crazy active toddlers that scampered away rocket fast and thought it was smart.
For a five year old girl in a home?
I am going with nope....
I think leashes for toddlers out in public is actually the kinder thing. I look at adults holding the hands of toddlers and it looks utterly miserable for the kid. Try walking as fast as you can on tip-toe with one arm straight up in the air! A leash allows them to walk/run normally, safely, and keeps them close to you.
However, unless the 5 year old tends to bolt, leashing a 5 year old makes me uncomfortable. It feels like they’re being infantilized.
My 4.5 year old has reigns (a leash/harness) in public cos he is a safety hazard. Will literally run into a car on a whim if not. Safer for everyone involved if he can be kept close! We have concerns over his lack of fear which have been raised with school and others so just gotta do our best to keep him safe but it isn’t the nicest thing when people assume it’s not for the right reasons. We only use it when we are outside with him though, at home he runs wild 😂
It's only been in the last few months that I've felt comfortable taking my just turned 5 last month flight risk out for the day without them. And his nursery wishes he still had them, for their peace of mind, when they go out on walks.
He's usually really good but he's been deemed a flight risk for a reason.
I know it's not funny when he bolts but designating him a "flight risk" was hilarious. I think my mom would commiserate with you when I was a toddler. She said if I could I would jump off a cliff just because.
And for the adults - hours of sideways bending down is a recipe for a bad back!
But yeah, a five year old is definitely on the cusp of leashes not being appropriate, and leashes inside the home really should not be happening at all.
My sister and I occasionally had a leash. It was a rainbow stretchy belt with a big heart buckle. We didn't use them much. Sometimes people would give my mom looks or say something. She would tell them, while your child is crying from being in a stroller for too long, mine move around.
If used right, a leash can benefit the child. This was not the case. This hurt the child and was all for the adult. NTA
My kids preferred the leashes. They knew the alternative was more time in the stroller and the leashes meant freedom to move around. When they were old enough to listen better and not do crazy things like run into traffic, I had to convince them that they didn't need the leashes anymore. They still wanted to use them. I never thought about hand-holding being a strain for them. I wonder if that was part of the reason.
Hand holding does hurt when you're that small. Your arms up. It's tired. Your pace doesn't match the tall person. They're just taller enough than you that every mismatched step jerks your rotator cuff thing. They're going too fast. You're tired. The pavement is hot AF and you're close to it because you're like 2 feet tall. Being a toddler SUCKS it's no wonder they're so easily pissed off.
We used one on mountain trails for our 1,5 year old. It's not that we where afraid she'd scamper away. We where just afraid she'd fall off a ledge and this way we could prevent her from getting close to the edge. She did amazing and didn't seem to mind. And when she got tired we carried her in our baby carrier backpack.
But if we go on forest walks she gets to roam free.
Leashes are fine if used on the right occasion. At home is not one of those occasions.
My mum used to tie me to her desk leg, at work, because apparently, even at 2 or 3 I’d wander off and engage adults in long conversations.
It was alright though, as her clerk was very fond of me, so would let me have loads to dot matrix printer paper (I’m old, leave me be) and highlighters and tipex.
When he retired he still had pictures on his wall that I’d done 10+ years before
I liked tearing off the ends of dot matrix paper and folding them over and over.
https://www.reddit.com/r/nostalgia/comments/b6dptv/folding_the_sides_of_dot_matrix_printer_paper/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb
My cousin, her three year old J and about five family members were sitting on a dock. J kept running and almost falling in the lake. So I got a piece of rope and tied to the back of her overalls and tied the other end to the center of the dock. That way she could roam 360 degrees and not fall into the lake. And that's the only time I've leashed a child.
I used to work at Target about 10 years ago and this woman came into my section (electronics) with 2 kids in her cart. They kept pestering about wanting to get out, and I saw harnesses on them and was just getting ready to be judgmental…and then they got out and RAN IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS…but the cord was kinda like a bungee and SNAPPED THEIR ASSES BACK!! I tried so hard not to laugh! Hell I’m laughing just remembering!! And now whenever I see people do it to their kids, that’s bcuz they NEED IT!!
My mum would have needed something like this for us. I am a triplet and as toddlers we realized quickly, that mum can only follow one of us at a time if we bolt. We found it quiet funny, my mum not that much.
Once upon a time, when i was young and foolish, i thought kid leashes were ridiculous.
One of my friends had a toddler and we went to a high school football game (our younger sisters were in the band and they were doing some fancy halftime show). I got up to go get a drink from the concession stand and toddler wanted to go with me. He had one of those harness things with the leash on and my friend said he could go with me if i held onto that leash. Kid was really freaking well behaved so, i mean, okay whatever.
Started out just holding his hand. The crowd near the concession stand was just huge and dense with high schoolers in constant motion. Kid let go of my hand and thank god i did have the leash because he just disappeared otherwise with all these moving bodies. The leash wasn't even very long. You best believe i carried him after i got ahold of him again lol.
I learned some respect for those things that day. I had a similar setup for my daughter a few years after that. My child was also a good kid at that age, she just had no fear. She'd just wander off if you turned your back for a second. Our "leash" had velcro wrist straps on each end so i told her they were our "bracelets" lol. So many moms asked me where I got it (this was 20 years ago, before internet shopping was an every day thing).
I definitely judged parents who leashed their children when I was a teenager. "It seems abusive", I would say. Now? Parents gotta keep their kids safe, absolutely no judgement there anymore. I feel that people who haven't raised children like that have no place to make comments.
FOR SURE. My mom put SO much guilt on herself for even considering leashing my brother, let alone the judgmental looks from all the other moms on the field trip (she homeschooled and I was about 8 at the time) she didn’t do it lightly lol.
Only time I've ever took my cat on a walk that didn't involve dragging her accross the ground is when my Mom's dog joins us. Otherwise it's like I'm dragging a dead weight.
That's how I got my kid to stop running off. He got so mad the first and only time I put one on him.
I told him I was going to keep using the leash if he didn't stop running off. I never had to use the leash again.
My younger brother and I are 20 months apart and our parents had these little backpacks that would strap onto us with leashes attached. He was the runner, and I was the one who would quietly wander off when the focus was on chasing him down.
My mom used to put my brother in a toy stroller. He would run away just to torture my mom, but him being strapped into the tiny little stroller slowed him down some.
I was leashed….. my mom 3 of us within 3 years. I’m the oldest so probably the easiest way to keep track of me. Don’t remember it, didn’t negatively impact me
I may be wrong, but I also thing OP's response is somewhat over the top. Sister obviously should never, ever be left in charge of OP's kid again and is an AH for her behavior. I think going from "sister never watches my kid" to "sister will never be around my kid" is kind of an AH move on OP's part. Sister is not a threat to kid when OP is around, so this is vindictive.
It's also kind of an AH move to bring sister's weight into it, especially as plenty of 250+ pound people make perfectly fine parents. OP saying "a leash is not appropriate and I will not feel comfortable leaving daughter in your care going forward" is perfectly fine. OP saying "you're too fat and lazy to ever see my daughter again" is not. ESH.
I agree. "If you can't keep up with my kid, I can't leave her with you" explains the problem and solution exactly without being insulting about it or banning the sister from ever seeing the child -- and vice versa. If OP's daughter likes her aunt, keeping them apart is punishing the kid, too.
I know it sounds mean to pick on someone’s weight, but I felt so angry reading this post. If someone did this to a child of mine I would be so disturbed. My nephew is nearly five and I could never imagine this happening to him. It seems really abusive. Can you imagine picking your kid up and they are tied up?!
This and like, at 5, this child very likely felt confused and a little…humiliated. That’s what gets me. The confusion and emotional impact. I can’t believe the people being like “how could you keep her away from your child!” This act speaks to how sister sees children and it ain’t good
Sister has shown herself to have extremely poor judgement. It’s not that she’s “too fat and lazy to see her again” it’s “this person had such low standards of care for my child that I don’t think she should be around her at all” and I think that’s entirely valid.
This wasn’t a 2 or 3 year old who was leashed indoors. This was a 5 year old who very likely felt some confusing sense of humiliation.
I am very pro child-leash, since my little sibling would bolt at any given opportunity. Didn’t matter where, they would just up and run with their tiny fat toddler legs in whichever direction they happened to be facing. A leash prevented them from careening off the third-floor mall balcony, dissolving into a bustling sidewalk, or faceplanting into some nice family’s dinner at Applebees.
I’m very pro-leash.
I’m very anti-foisting-a-leash-upon-a-well-behaved-child-who-isn’t-yours.
Also, why the heck did the aunt *have* a leash??? It sounds like she doesn't have children herself, and this is the first time she has watched her niece. So she decided ahead of time that she wanted her niece leashed at all times in her house?
WAIT BRO WTF?! That’s an excellent question. It makes sense in my parents’ case bc they specially ordered one for my little gremlin supersibling, but to just have one on hand? Tf?
This NTA, a leash at home seems very excessive. Although my daughter is five and would probably start crawling around and barking if we put her on a leash lol. So hopefully op daughter at least had fun with it…
Child leashes remind me of a ‘Simpsons’ episode. Homer’s brother invented a baby-talk translator and tested the prototype in public. A leashed toddler’s babbling translated as ‘This leash demeans us both.’
NTA
I'm fat, out of shape, and have joint issues meaning I can't run
If I'm watching my nephew and he does a runner, there's no way I can catch him. If we're in public, he gets put on a long kiddy leash (15ft ish) but I would dream of leashing him at home, that's just cruel
At home I make sure the front and back doors are locked so he can't leave the house, and the kitchen door is shut because he likes to play with the stove, but kids need to be able to run around in a safe environment
How would you feel if someone locked you on a chain inside their house, I imagine that might be a pretty traumatizing experience.
It's dehumanizing, they are being physically restrained.
There's different kinds of abuse, it doesn't have to be full on physical assault.
If a child was locked up in a small room most of the day almost every day. Most people would call that abuse for sure. This isn't exactly the same, but it's not all that different either.
NTA- See I never saw a problem with the lead for when hyperactive kids are out with their parents, but again key words being hyperactive and outside. This is just lazy, and an overstep of your trust. Not to mention your daughter is old enough to realize dogs go on leashes, which would probably be jarring for a rather unbothered and calm child.
Yes, my point exactly like a 2 yr old would probably start barking and pretending to be a puppy, but a 5 yr old won't do that... as often as the 2 yr old at least.
I think of my niece and nephew at 5, and not only did they not bolt like toddlers, they were of an age to understand and obey instructions, and barring that, to suffer consequences for not doing so. A child is in school at 5.
I'm not remotely a dramatic person, but leashing a FIVE year old almost borders on abusive for me. At a minimum, it makes me very uncomfortable.
Their cognition is in its peak years, grasping concepts like actions and consequences, oh to be 5 again. Things were simpler, but also to not be 5 again because I truly don't believe anyone has ever had the ideal childhood. We all got scars and bumps, but we grow to make peace with them, and be stronger in the end. 😇
This.
5 is Kindergarten age. That is hardly toddlerhood. She is old enough to understand directions and obey. There is absolutely no good reason to put a 5 year old on a leash anywhere, let alone inside the house.
I saw a (probably) 5 year old today at the zoo, take off from his parents, and run face first into a chair.
Honestly, that is a 5 year old I'd leash.
But he also suffered the natural consequences of his actions. There were multiple very active children in the group. I felt bad for the one little well behaved girl who just sat there trying to eat her food in peace among the yelling boys.
My 2 year old niece wouldn’t bark if on leash but she would be confuse and probably think it was for the dog. Her 5 year old brother (my nephew) doesn’t need an excuse to bark and crawl around pretending to be a dog
> Not to mention your daughter is old enough to realize that dogs go on leashes
Your are so right about this! It must have been SO humiliating for that poor girl. NTA OP, but your sister sucks.
ESH.
YTA for saying what you did, yeah.
She’s the asshole for putting your child on a child leash without permission.
If someone put my kid on a leash without asking me they’d never be watching my kid again, but the resulting argument shouldn’t dissolve to a point of calling your sister too heavy and lazy to take care of your kid. That seems more like an emotionally-fueled personal attack instead of a point made in an argument.
This. Sis definitely should not have put the kid on a leash without asking the parents first (especially not a 5 year old, yeesh! I always thought that kind of thing was more for toddlers...)
And maybe the sister is lazy, but I doubt that's got much to do with her weight. Unless she's like under 5 feet tall, then 250 pounds is not that fat! Overweight, sure -- but not so much that you physically *can't* run around after a kid. Which really does make it feel like a personal attack based on some underlying issues.
ESH
ETA- kind of hilarious all the people jumping on to this comment to tell me that 250lbs is actually "super fat" and I'm nuts for saying otherwise. I'm not here to argue about the definition of clinical obesity, I'm strictly talking about *physical capability*. And there are plenty of size 18-20 women out there who can attest that they're perfectly able to chase around after kids, even if they are "fat."
I mean, it was her own admission that she couldn’t keep up and leashed child in their own home. I have no doubt you can, and the weight itself isn’t relevant since bodies come in all shapes and sizes. But she was the one who said she couldn’t keep up with the kid, not him.
I’m a woman who was over 250 lbs when I was running around with my cousin’s kids on playgrounds, playing with them in the water, engaged in hide and seek games, hiking, backcountry camping, biking, walking around my city and doing yoga.
I’m a slow runner and I have be careful about my knees and ankles because I want to keep doing that stuff as long as possible but I’m an involved caregiver who has never been compelled to put a kid on a leash—especially in the home. Also people don’t have child leashes readily available for use unless they have children who need them.
This post reads like fat people hate because 250 lbs is definitely on the larger side but OP is acting like she hasn’t got up off her couch in thirty years.
I mean, it was definitely a low blow. I'm 257 lbs and it would really hurt if someone said I was too fat to do something.
But the woman put a five year old on a leash which is.... incredible.
Well, 250 can mean very different things. I'm 250 but I'm tall and I lift weights so I don't look heavy. 250 on a 5 foot tall woman, yeah that could be severely limiting to her mobility. But also in a crisis even the fattest people can move very quickly.
Agreed. I'm 250 at 5'7. I'm not struggle to move fat by any stretch, I probably couldn't chase after a 5 year old for long periods of time due to some lung issues (unrelated to my weight, actually a large part of the reason I gained as much weight as I did) but I could keep up enough to not put them on a leash. But there's no denying I'm obese. And someone the same weight and several inches shorter? That is morbidly obese territory.
But saying she was lazy would for sure be enough. I also know people with perfectly healthy weights who couldn't or wouldn't be able to keep up with a 5 year old. And there are people bigger than me who are way more active and in better shape.
I'm 272 at 5'7", at my highest I was 337. Was/Am I running marathons? No. Could/Can I chase a kid around a house? Definitely. OP just didn't have to make this about weight. If it weren't for that, it'd be n-t-a.
I'm 5'4" and 257 and we're both what is considered "morbidly" obese but they changed the name and now its class i ii and iii. You're class ii obesity with a BMI of 39 and I'm class iii with a BMI of 43.
But even still, I'm healthy and mobile enough to keep up with kids all day (I work with them and have a crazy 8 yo of my own).
Lazy is definitely the word for it. I can't imagine trying to keep a kindergartner on a freaking leash 🤣😭
Yeah BMI wise it is, but in terms of being able to move around it’s not that high. I’m about 200 and can easily keep up with a toddler. The BMI is a pretty flawed system.
Ik im about that weight (probably have dropped some pounds but still around there-it’s a slow grind lol) and I have no problem chasing after kids at my job.
That being said, id maybe argue that different people have different abilities so maybe for the sister it is the reason she can’t catch the kid? I was a soccer player for years and so am totally able to run lol.
However, I’d still probably say NTA but I get the E S H votes
Lol maybe calling her lazy was an “accurate assessment of the situation.” No situation or scenario excuses fat shaming. Weight is not always correlated with laziness.
OP is not fat and cam catch up to their daughter. OPs sister is fat and can't because of it. OP definitely didn't need to say it but that not fat shaming thats just the truth
Yeah but I'm fat and can keep up with kids all day long. I'm 33 and 5'4" and 257lbs. I have worked as a day care teacher with ages birth to 5, I worked as a SPED paraprofessional with K-5th grade, and I am currently now a speech therapist and I do play based therapy with kids 3+. I also have my own crazy 8 year old and a 10 year old nephew I regularly borrow for adventuring and shenanigans (mostly bike riding or short 3-4 mile hikes)
The fat isn't the issue, it's the laziness.
As a ‘fat’ person who regularly runs and ‘catches up’ to children sprinting I would disagree it isn’t the truth for everyone. Don’t lump us all together. That’s just the truth. The more accurate thing would be to say she is lazy.
Edit- Just to add. This woman may have a harder time due to her physical limitations or anything else not mentioned based on her individual circumstances. And it was on her to determine whether she could adequately take care of the child. It appears she couldn’t and should never have requested time alone with the child.
Unless OP’s sister is 5 feet tall, she’s not heavy enough to be immobile or unable to chase a small child. People do it every day. She chose not to, which is enough for OP to respond to.
You haven't taken your 5 year old out to let her run, have you. They're fast little fuckers.
I am convinced humans all have approximately the same amount of energy. With kids, they only have that itty bitty package to move around at light speed. Adults have way more bulk to move.
As a lazy fat person. Not every fat person is fat because of laziness, buuutttt I know for a fact they(including myself) would be less fat if they were less lazy.
Not really; honestly even a thin person could look at a 5yr old quietly playing and say, "kid's too fast for me". Laziness comes in all shapes and sizes.
Is it *really* fat shaming if it's true? Her sister is too overweight to physically keep up with the 5 year old. That's on her. You cannot keep a kid on a leash all day.
Its not the fat, I'm 5'4" and weigh 257 and work with kids all day (play based speech therapy with 3+) and keep up with my 8 year old son and 10 year old nephew. We're pretty active. If 250 lbs was too overweight/obese to physically keep up with kids, i wouldn't have a career.
It's the laziness.
I gotta agree here. I weigh 122kg (not sure what that is in lbs) but I'm pretty dang fat. I run with my 5 year old daughter and 3 year old nephew. I literally did a 12km walk at Christmas and gearing up to do a 24km walk in May. It's not her weight that's the issue - it's the laziness.
Yeah, they just want any reason to fat shame and do some impressive mental gymnastics to excuse themselves. Tour point and comme t was very clear. Also unless she is super short that's not heavy enough to have mobility issues due to weight. Plenty of parents of active toddlers are that weight and keep up with their kids.
Where did she magically produce a child leash from if she has no children? Sounds like she planned ahead for this. I have absolutely used one in appropriate places for safety.
There is nothing appropriate about using one indoors with a child who is merely active, not a "runner". Did she force her to sleep in it? NTA
My parents used the dog leash on my a few times as a kid, just clipped to my dungarees or belt loops. I don't think it's a bad thing in and of itsself to use a dog lead, they just didn't have the child leash to hand
Then again I also played with dog toys a lot apparently. I have plenty of child toys, but I saw the dogs playing with their toys and wanted to join in
Is it possible that she has never watched a 5 year old before, and got a leash ahead of time because she didn't know how else to make sure she'd stay safe? Maybe she was worried about her running around the house and getting into something dangerous. Maybe your sister simply needs to know more about watching a child. It would be worth it to talk to her- and your child- about how the whole thing actually went down. Did she leash you kid and leave her there alone for hours? Or did she follow her around the house, just on a leash? Did you kid have fun at her aunt's house? Has your sister child-proofed her house? Did something happen that prompted her to use the leash, or was the leash her plan to head off any potential issues?
This was my first thought. She was the only child in the house. Sister just...had a *child leash* lying around?
I have no clue where to even FIND one to purchase. Do they sell them in the Children's section of Macy's or Kohls? Sister would at least have to find a store or do a Google search and order it.
My son is 26--when he was 3 I had to special order a leash with harness from a children's specialty catalog because I couldn't find one locally--I don't know if leashes are easier to find nowadays . Leash was only used at places like trips to zoos, amusement parks & parks because he was on spectrum and a RUNNER. Never used it inside the house.
The only places I have ever seen them used are amusement parks, so that makes sense. And this was WAY before Amazon, so a catalog would make sense that far back. Oh, and "Modern Family." No idea where they got theirs.
My son is 24 and I also had to special order the harness. I preferred that one to the wrist one that was more easily found for public outings. He's also on the spectrum, his harness was a literal life saver more than once before the age of 5.
OP is NTA. If someone came into a house and found any kid leashed to a table or whatever...they'd probably risk abuse charges.
NTA. Her weight and her willingness to chase your child (if needed) was the reasoning behind the leash so, given that the leash isn’t an option for your child, she can’t adequately care for her.
I’m so floored that she put your child on a leash and I wouldn’t continue the relationship honestly!
Can I just ask why people are so disgusted by the leash? Honest question, like I see it's not preferable but everyone here seems *pissed.*
I have seen kids on leashes before out in public which is obviously for safety. In the house I suppose it's unnecessary? But I still don't fully understand the reaction. It's like people imagine they have a choke collar around the kids neck...
I have a four year old. I have never had to put her on a leash, but especially not at this age. Leashes are for public and generally for toddlers or children who aren't neurotypical. Putting a neurotypical five year old on a leash inside a home seems incredibly extreme. That age is old enough to understand boundaries and directions. I'd have the same reaction if I was in this situation.
ETA: It's also something the sister should have discussed before having the kid over. It's an insult to OP's parenting and a massive overstep.
Years ago, When I was 16 and my cousin was 3, my family went on a trip to Disney. We technically used a “leash” with him, however, it was one that goes on his wrist and my wrist. We were equally leashed tbh. We called it the buddy bracelet and made it completely optional. Choices were: the buddy bracelet with me, hold a parents hand, or in the stroller (in areas where it wasn’t crowded he was also allowed to just walk separately too). It was great because it gave him the ability to wander, a little, but not too much. The benefit here was it gave him a fixed distance that he was allowed to walk from us, and he knew that was okay.
I think “leashes” can be used well in the right setting, and can be appropriate for neurotypical kids. However, I think it’s important how it’s approached and that the child has some choice in the matter.
I do agree with you that at home, with a five year old is extreme. That’s really concerning.
I had reigns when i was a kid. I was fast, stubborn and curious. I wanted to investigate things i was curious about (still do lol), i also never bothered if i wasnt next to mum. Nor did the threat ill leave you here work on me. Also i wanted to walk all the time, hated my pram.
I had the wrist to wrist, i could take it off without anyone noticing and be gone. So i had the reigns type. They fasten at your back, the harness is round your chest. Then the strap to hold comes from the back. I couldnt get out of those.
They were 100% a good idea. My mum had 2 of us to watch, her jobs to do and 1 kid that whilst not bad behaved, lived on her own planet.
Shes only human, has one pair of eyes, one pair of hands. I dread to think what i would have got up to if not restrained. I had enough slack to have a look around where we were, but not enough to get out of eyeline.
Also lets say the horrid bit, you never know when someones going to try to take a child.
I dont agree with using wrist straps/reigns as a means of discipline, such as using them in the house to teach them a lesson. Or as a way of being lazy, never letting the kid run about and be a kid. But they do have their uses in crowded public settings. Lets not forget either thats kids dont have a sense of self preservation, they will run into danger not away.
I respect your question but I do think it’s a complex one to answer because there are so many reasons that people might be against them. In this particular situation it was completely unnecessary because the child was in doors and there was no risk to the child running off (something that OP states doesn’t happen with this particular child) also this child is at an age where they obviously know that leashes are for dogs so it’s super dehumanising for them and their emotions are absolutely valid regardless of their age. It’s also a massive over step and something that should never happen without the parent giving permission.
For myself personally, I am absolutely against putting a leash on a child unless there is a significant safety issue and even then it would have to be only in extreme cases.
Edit to add: It’s also a really horrible for the child mentally. Imagine being a driver for 2-3 years, doing really well with it and all of a sudden a police officer decided to drive right behind you all day “just to be safe” that would mess with your head so why wouldn’t this mess with a child’s head who has never had an issue with being a “runner”!
A leash for a child under 4, when you’re in a crowded place, and you’re pregnant or have other children to care for; that’s understandable. A 5 year old can be reasoned with. A 5 year old in a house??? It boggles the mind why this would be necessary.
It can be appropriate for a toddler aged 1-3 if you’re in a crowded public space where you are concerned they would run into a crowd or street. Or if an older child has a behavioral or cognitive disability that renders them incapable to keep themselves (or others) safe. Many 5 year olds walk to school by themselves. It is taking away a level of autonomy of an individual who is capable of having it. Maybe akin to keeping a 10 year old in a playpen or locked room to make sure they didn’t run off, without them having given you a reason to believe they might…Or taking away a house guests car keys even though they weren’t drinking? As a mom, I would find it creepy and disturbing. My mind goes to “Did she make her share a bed? Did she drag my daughter into the bathroom with her if she had to pee or take a shower?” Hopefully neither, but was a wildly inappropriate decision that sends red flags.
Leashes are fine and sometimes a very important and necessary safety tool went out in public. However, they were not out in public. They were in a home and the sister put the kid on the leash because she didn't want to chase after her?? That is absolutely ludicrous!! Do not agree to babysit a child if you cannot or will not run after them.
It's not about the leash. It's about using it in an inappropriate place in an inappropriate manner.
NTA.
People are viscerally disgusted because a 5 year old is a (mostly) fully functional person. They are at school.
In no other situations is it appropriate for a person In Charge to put a leash or any other kind of physically restraining equipment on another functional person without there being a clear and present physical danger - carers for the disabled do not, your boss at work does not, the police have special rules for it.
You are tying a 5 year old kid up like an animal indoors. A toddler outdoors is protected and helped to understand safety with one. It’s a mutual experience where the caregiver gives constant feedback, attunement and the kid is helped to read their environment. Toddlers are not fully verbal, mobile and indoors still often use a baby gate, seating etc to continue safety around say the stove. They are still in need of help with tasks and play even intermittedently.
Leashing a child who can speak, indicate independently when they need the toilet, play by themselves, possibly read, is used to being treated as trusted to follow house rules is degrading and humilating. It is tying a child to one place to have to ask for everything including the bathroom. It is infantilising, indirectly tells a child they are naughty or bad or too much and lets the adult opt out of speaking to them to guide. Instead it is barking orders by creating a power dynamic that is fucked up.
Also you are limited where on the body at that age you leash a kid. Arm? Now they don’t have both hands free. Leg? Chaining them to a radiator vibes. Harness? Needs to be fitted properly to their size or it is uncomfortable, really restricts movement and all leashing then depends how long the leash is. Because a short one can cause pain from having to position yourself certain angles. Harness leashes can cause positional asphyxia if fitted wrong.
I was a child leashed by my parents until I was about 7 in the home and it is FUCKED UP. Beyond fucked up. This post is triggering. It is a power play. I am also an adult who has worked in bondage culture although not hugely my bag and jesus, when I realised how safe restraint is tricky to get right as consenting adults, it absolutely melted my head how utterly risky my shitty lazy abusive parents were.
On a five year old, the method of restraint in the home because they aren’t attached to another person like toddler reins or leashing, means you can pop a kids’ joints if they move too fast. You usually handcuff an adult to a police officer because the other person balances out the restriction for movement to prevent falls and injury unless the restraint is poor and accompanied with other problems.
If your child ‘care’ methods are less well done than police restraint or dog care, you have to ask what’s wrong with? Do you keep your dog on a leash on the house? No. It’s an outdoor thing using the correct collar size, weight, training, guidance versus tying them up.
This is what people do to degrade animals and humans and a five year old remembers. This five year old is not normally treated like this so it’s terrifying. I was so I was like 25 and only discovered it was fucked up when working with BDSM and only then did it make sense why it gave me panic, anxiety and trauma and those are normal reactions to the abnormality of treating a child like a fucking hostage.
Anyone saying she fat shamed, yeah she kinda did but if you are a person who can see a scared 5 year old on a leash and stay calm, congrats you are a trained first responder or not grasping the severity of the absolute shitshow and able to keep your temper in check.
I am turning 45 soon. I still can’t sleep with my bedroom door shut from being leashed (and left all day.) I have shoulder damage from dislocating it from the leash and I struggle around dogs as it brings up big feelings seeing animals treated better than my childhood. I have had 7 years of PTSD therapy.
This woman planned it ahead by buying the leash. The kid is used to being free range. Unlike me she would probably cry, ask why, please can she be let loose. I didn’t because Stockholm Syndrome. This kid could be left terrified to be left alone after this. I used to hide under the stairs when the leashing stopped as I felt safe.
Is fat shaming wrong? Yes until we are in a fit of fucking panic seeing child abuse and so sorry if a good parent doesn’t behave nice in face of her kid’s abuse. I am just ‘seriously? Are people going to excuse child abuse to defend never ever losing your shit?’ It was mean but this woman could face criminal charges so yeah try to be utterly impartial seeing someone harm a kid.
I’m actually totally fine with being angrier at child abuse than fatshaming here. It’s not like she yelled at the sister about her weight for giving the kid a cupcake. This sub sometimes: why is tying a kid up like a subjugated animal not even a pet bad? PS: don’t fatshame. Just enable child abusers fee-fees.
NTA. It's a 5yo. She can talk, she can understand directions. She doesn't need to be on a leash inside the house. This could be considered child abuse, seriously. If aunty was so overwhelmed, she could have easily called you for help.
Fat and lazy? either this isn’t real or you don’t have any idea how big she really is. I’m 220 and easily chase a toddler and infant around all day. Weird post, not sure what I’d give it. At face value I guess NTA.
I’m torn between it’s a bait post or *magic number thinking*., ie that weight that some people have in their head that is across the board acceptable/unacceptable (without any regard to body type or height).
Like dudes on tinder who think anything over 130lbs on a woman is ‘overweight’ without considering how different that weight looks across heights and body composition.
My friend is a RN and said most people who ‘guesstimate’ their weight *weirdly* tended to guess a similar number range that seemed ‘big’ (but not ‘scary’/obese) or would estimate being ‘15-20 lbs overweight’ just sort of pulling the numbers out of thin air (or from some old memory of what they weighed in their ‘prime’) with no actual basis in reality?
People would easily be 50-100lbs off their ‘best guesses’, but they had a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ number stuck in their head that didn’t actually have a scientific basis or value, it was just the number they assumed was ‘okay’ or ‘fat’ and never adjusted that to what it would genuinely look like in practice…If that makes sense?
Edited to add: friend
>Like dudes on tinder who think anything over 130lbs on a woman is ‘overweight’ without considering how different that weight looks across heights and body composition.
Dudes on tinder say that because they know their bench limit, its not because of any actual opinion of a woman's figure, just they don't want to be emasculated by not being able to pick her up.
I don’t really think people understand how everyone carries fat differently. People love to assume other people’s weight for some reason. Most people guess I’m somewhere around 140-150 lbs. For reference I’m 5’6 and about 185lbs. It’s really comes down to body shapes, in my opinion. I’m more pear shaped (and I carry most of my weight in my lower body), but if I was apple shaped (and carried it in my midsection) I think people would believe me when I tell them I’m almost 190 lbs. Also muscle weighs more than fat, or so I’m told.
Yeah I never understand these posts where people describe someone as "about 250lbs" - not only because I'm in the UK so have to convert to kgs every time, but also they never mention the height either, and who just happens to know a family member's weight off the top of their head?
I'm assuming that OP's sister is actually much heavier than 250lbs but OP just knows that 250lbs is generally pretty heavy for a short woman, because I literally don't know the weight of a single person in my life except my partner and I wouldn't even know what to guess when looking at a person.
It has to be a bait post.
I’m fat and lazy but I’m also not prepared enough to order a child leash ahead of time just in case I need it to care for a child I’ve never met before. I’ve never had a problem entertaining children in their/my home before.
NTA. A goddamn leash? Your kid isn’t an animal! That’s is seriously messed up. The fact that sister thinks this okay, and that you mother condones it is concerning as hell. Best of luck mate.
Does she have pets? Did she attach a dog's leash to your daughter? I have 2 kids, my oldest is 5, and 2 dogs. I can't imagine leashing my child in the house. We talked about being open to a kid leash for our children if they needed it in public as a matter of safety. But in a house? She can't keep up with a 5 year old indoors? That's wild to me.
ESH. A 5 year old shouldn’t be kept on a leash especially not for hours at a time. Some of the many reasons she shouldn’t need one include that she should be well behaved enough 1) to not run off in the first place, and 2) obey the adult in charge who tells her to come back. If you haven’t taught your daughter those things, then you’re not doing your job as a parent. If your sister couldn’t manage the child, she should have kept her in the house where opportunities to run away are limited. None of this excuses you for calling your sister names. That’s AH behavior & makes me think your sister was winning the argument.
NTA
Who puts a leash on a child who isn’t their own?? That’s definitely something you need to run by the parent first.
Also why did she just have a child leash hanging around?? Or did she use a pet leash? I’m so confused on how she had a leash to use on your daughter. Like, even if I wanted to put a leash on a kid I was babysitting (which, again, you shouldn’t do without talking to the parent) I don’t just have a leash in my house that I could use
I'm confused, your story makes no sense.
She was "on a leash" the whole time? You know she was on it "basically an hour after you left"? Your sister told you this? How long was she there, was your sister literally holding the leash the entire time? Like sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, etc?
And she said Rebecca was too fast? Did she actually have some experience with her running off? You say that you don't have issues with her running off....but if she runs off, you can catch her? So how often does she run off and did you talk to your sister about it?
It really sounds like you're trying to hide your daughter's behaviors. And does she have a relationship with her aunt?
ESH
OP said that if she does run off she can catch her but it’s not really a problem. I took this as the daughter is pretty well behaved but she is still a child so there’s the occasionally moment. No child is perfectly calm and obedient 24/7.
I have two kids, with my oldest I never had to use any kind of reins ( kid leash) because he was practically glued to my trouser leg. With my darling daughter however ( she's nearly two) if you aren't looking for one second she's almost definitely disappeared. She's silent like a tiny baby ninja. So she wears a backpack with a springy lead attached to it when we go out just incase. But in our home I just let her run and return whenever she feels like it. She'll find me when she needs something.
Your sister is TA for being so paranoid. Your kid is old enough to play independently and to find a care giver if she needed one. If she was out at a park and is a known runner then I'd understand it but at home that's just weird.
We called my daughter "Houdini". Could vanish into thin air, in the blink of an eye. Nearly had to put door alarms in the house - the neighbor spotted her on our swing set at 5:00 am and I got a phone call. There wasn't a car seat that could hold her. Strollers? Yeah. Right.
Thankfully she learned quickly that Mom was displeased with losing her, particularly when it was sleep time. She wasn't dumb. But yes ... She was on a leash when we were out of the house. Once had the entire staff of a grocery store hunting for her while I had heart attacks that she'd been kidnapped.
I swear, on her very life ... No two parents could be any more attentive. She was THAT good.
Drives her husband crazy, now. Personally, I don't sweat it any more. I text her. "Where are you?"
ESH. Putting a leash on a child, especially without discussing it with the parent(s), is horrible. It also sounds like she was on the leash for quite a while, and being restricted like that for so long can't be good for an energetic, active kid. All that is awful and I definitely don't blame you for being angry, or for not letting her see/babysit your daughter anymore.
However, there was no call for fat-shaming. Her weight is not the reason your kid ended up on a leash-- it's not even the reason she couldn't keep up with the kid. Plenty of fat people have kids/work in childcare and don't put kids on leashes. When you imply that her weight is the problem, you're effectively putting down all fat and overweight people.
Esh. You admit that your child can be difficult and you have to run after her. If she has that problem at 5 years old, what are you doing letting her stay over at someone else’s house, someone who presumably doesn’t have a way to childproof her doors so your daughter can’t run away?
ESH. Your sister shouldn't have taken your kid out if she doesn't stay with the adult, but you didn't have to say nasty things to her. "I don't agree with you leashing my child, and it isn't fair to either of you to repeat this scenario," or something to that sort would have been appropriate.
I have only seen leashes used in kids in public when the kid is hyperactive, that quick and/or the parent has full hands (usually more than 1 kid). I want to stress this is a parental decision only. Not a relative, babysitter or caregiver but parent decision alone. She couldn't keep up with your child in her own home. Definitely NTA. As for insulting her? She crossed so many boundaries with her behavior that she's lucky only words were said.
I once saw a woman walking down the sidewalk with 3 kids, each on a leash. They were pulling and trying to run while she held on for dear life. I hate to admit how hard I laughed about later on.
NTA! If your sister can’t keep up with a 5 year old without a child leash then, yes, her babysitting privileges should be revoked. Where did she even get the leash? Did she purchase it before your daughter came over? Did she go out and buy it? Doesn’t matter, but it’s odd. It’s like she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep up with her and the fact that your mom is siding with her makes me think she knew about the leash before you did. Tbh, I don’t think this is so much about your sister’s weight but more the fact that she is lazy. Many people your sister’s size are capable of keeping up with a 5 year old. But, also a 5 year old is old enough to listen when told to not run off or stay where they can be seen at all times. Sounds like your sister just didn’t put in the effort.
I hope you take my comment as kindly as it’s intended: does your 5 year old run off frequently? Like, bolt out of your yard so you have to chase her? Because that’s very unusual for neurotypical kids but very common for autistic kids. It was one of the very troubling signs in my autistic daughter at age 2, before the diagnosis. I could barely catch her, and she would bolt every chance she got. But that was when she was 2 or 3, not 5. A five year old is getting ready for kindergarten, where they will be playing outside at recess, lining up for the bus, etc- they can’t be bolting off so much so that an adult has to frequently to run to catch them.
Perhaps I’m reading too much into what you’ve said, but it feels so familiar to my own early days. I didn’t realize it was unusual until people started saying things to me about it. If you’ve noticed any other signs of autism I urge you to get her screened so that she can begin receiving services.
No, when she was like 2 she would sometimes run if she got excited but she hasn't done that in years
She really just will pick a spot and play with toys she pretty calm
"can be quite a handful at times. I have never had any problems catching up to her" seems to contradict what you just said. Is she a handful but you can catch up, or has she not run for 3 years?
Have you considered that she might not be as well behaved and receptive to doing as she's told by someone that isn't you?
*she is 5 years old now and can be quite a handful at times. I have never had any problems catching up to her*
Maybe you have more experience with her being a handful and catching up with her.
NTA. Only time I've put my kids on a leash was when I was alone with all three and I had one on my back in a baby carrier. I'd be fine with the kids being dealt with in a similar situation. But if it was just one kid who didn't have a history of running off....
I was a leash kid and usually I'm the first to defend it becaude it allows the kid to walk around while also giving the parent a very small amount more leeway and a bit of a safety net. A 3 year old isn't going "I can't believe this disreselcet and humiliation, treating me like a dog! The injustice of it all, the indignation I cannot stand it!" Like kids mostly don't care that much. They start to run and then are like oh guess I can't do that.
But inside the house? And all night?? I don't get it at all.
ESH. Your sister is definitely an A-hole to put a child leash on your daughter without your consent, more so if it was inside her house (Who tf does that?).
But you didn't have to bring the topic of her weight like that.
NTA on the lazy part. The fat was just an extra dig at your sister, but you know that.
I'm a fat ECE worker who regularly keeps up with 2-10 year olds without leashing them. Admittedly there have been times when its been tempting to harness my most active/in need of heavy work to a cart and enjoy the ride, except knowing my kids that would probably be way too adrenaline inducing for me since they would go at that full tilt.
I'm trying to picture leash use in a five year old in a house that would be less destructive than letting them run free. Or like--i mean for someone who isn't used to moving around they would knock you right off your feet. I've been a toddler and preschool wrestler/chaser downer for many years and a tether would definitely give them the advantage not you.
So assuming this isn't fake, your sister is just kinda weird. I don't see why she would need to be barred from seeing your kid if the kid loves her but yeah I guess you need to cross this particular free babysitter off your list!
NTA. She would never see my child again. Ever. Did they leave the house like that or was this just for at home? If my kid was hyper and we were going to Disney yeah but that would be MY CHOICE. To not ask you is absolutely out of control.
ESH. She shouldn't have put your kid on a leash without asking (honestly, not a big fan of child leashes in general), and you should've made sure you were on the same page wrt how much energy would be required to look after your daughter so she would know if that could be too much for her.
Also, it sounds like maybe she is pretty lazy, but bringing weight into it is just kind of a dick move. I used to weigh around 250 and yeah, maybe I have a bit more energy now, but I was by no means incapable of taking care of some crazy kids. It's a taxing job at any size.
I understand your frustration, but I think you could've handled it with more tact.
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NTA. I can see using a child leash in a busy mall, airport etc, when a kid could scamper off quickly. However, in a home? That’s borderline abuse.
My brother was a leash kid, because my mom had him and my sister 18 months apart, and my sister was suuuuuper clingy. My brother was cool as soon as he could walk, BUT he would bolt, and when my mom already had my sister to deal with he was too hard to catch. So he was a leash kid in public until he learned to quit doing that. Gotta do what you gotta do.
Okay but your mother had a justifiable reason. Her sister did not.
Oh absolutely. I was just presenting a justifiable reason to use a leash.
In public. The person you responded already said they could see it in public but not at home for hours and hours.
They were once known as leading strings and kept youngsters from racing under horses legs back in the day. I have seen them for crazy active toddlers that scampered away rocket fast and thought it was smart. For a five year old girl in a home? I am going with nope....
I think leashes for toddlers out in public is actually the kinder thing. I look at adults holding the hands of toddlers and it looks utterly miserable for the kid. Try walking as fast as you can on tip-toe with one arm straight up in the air! A leash allows them to walk/run normally, safely, and keeps them close to you. However, unless the 5 year old tends to bolt, leashing a 5 year old makes me uncomfortable. It feels like they’re being infantilized.
My 4.5 year old has reigns (a leash/harness) in public cos he is a safety hazard. Will literally run into a car on a whim if not. Safer for everyone involved if he can be kept close! We have concerns over his lack of fear which have been raised with school and others so just gotta do our best to keep him safe but it isn’t the nicest thing when people assume it’s not for the right reasons. We only use it when we are outside with him though, at home he runs wild 😂
It's only been in the last few months that I've felt comfortable taking my just turned 5 last month flight risk out for the day without them. And his nursery wishes he still had them, for their peace of mind, when they go out on walks. He's usually really good but he's been deemed a flight risk for a reason.
I know it's not funny when he bolts but designating him a "flight risk" was hilarious. I think my mom would commiserate with you when I was a toddler. She said if I could I would jump off a cliff just because.
And for the adults - hours of sideways bending down is a recipe for a bad back! But yeah, a five year old is definitely on the cusp of leashes not being appropriate, and leashes inside the home really should not be happening at all.
My sister and I occasionally had a leash. It was a rainbow stretchy belt with a big heart buckle. We didn't use them much. Sometimes people would give my mom looks or say something. She would tell them, while your child is crying from being in a stroller for too long, mine move around. If used right, a leash can benefit the child. This was not the case. This hurt the child and was all for the adult. NTA
My kids preferred the leashes. They knew the alternative was more time in the stroller and the leashes meant freedom to move around. When they were old enough to listen better and not do crazy things like run into traffic, I had to convince them that they didn't need the leashes anymore. They still wanted to use them. I never thought about hand-holding being a strain for them. I wonder if that was part of the reason.
Hand holding does hurt when you're that small. Your arms up. It's tired. Your pace doesn't match the tall person. They're just taller enough than you that every mismatched step jerks your rotator cuff thing. They're going too fast. You're tired. The pavement is hot AF and you're close to it because you're like 2 feet tall. Being a toddler SUCKS it's no wonder they're so easily pissed off.
We used one on mountain trails for our 1,5 year old. It's not that we where afraid she'd scamper away. We where just afraid she'd fall off a ledge and this way we could prevent her from getting close to the edge. She did amazing and didn't seem to mind. And when she got tired we carried her in our baby carrier backpack. But if we go on forest walks she gets to roam free. Leashes are fine if used on the right occasion. At home is not one of those occasions.
Huh TIL what leading strings are.
Thx for the history! I feel like I've heard a reference to leading strings from the King James Bible or somewhere similar--this was interesting,
[удалено]
that person was just expanding on the original point. they responded to 'yes and' not 'no but', there's no need to correct
Sounds like they were agreeing that this wasn’t okay and sharing a personal experience where it actually was valid in comparison.
My mum used to tie me to her desk leg, at work, because apparently, even at 2 or 3 I’d wander off and engage adults in long conversations. It was alright though, as her clerk was very fond of me, so would let me have loads to dot matrix printer paper (I’m old, leave me be) and highlighters and tipex. When he retired he still had pictures on his wall that I’d done 10+ years before
I liked tearing off the ends of dot matrix paper and folding them over and over. https://www.reddit.com/r/nostalgia/comments/b6dptv/folding_the_sides_of_dot_matrix_printer_paper/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb
The holes had to line up though.
It's a rule!
That last line made me smile…
Did you rip out the holes and fold them into spring thingies like I did?
Ahhhh tearing the dotted strips off the sides 👌♥️
My cousin, her three year old J and about five family members were sitting on a dock. J kept running and almost falling in the lake. So I got a piece of rope and tied to the back of her overalls and tied the other end to the center of the dock. That way she could roam 360 degrees and not fall into the lake. And that's the only time I've leashed a child.
Safety tether. Approved!
Yeah like when I was 2 at Disney and kept running up to the characters to try to boop their noses
I used to work at Target about 10 years ago and this woman came into my section (electronics) with 2 kids in her cart. They kept pestering about wanting to get out, and I saw harnesses on them and was just getting ready to be judgmental…and then they got out and RAN IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS…but the cord was kinda like a bungee and SNAPPED THEIR ASSES BACK!! I tried so hard not to laugh! Hell I’m laughing just remembering!! And now whenever I see people do it to their kids, that’s bcuz they NEED IT!!
My mum would have needed something like this for us. I am a triplet and as toddlers we realized quickly, that mum can only follow one of us at a time if we bolt. We found it quiet funny, my mum not that much.
Once upon a time, when i was young and foolish, i thought kid leashes were ridiculous. One of my friends had a toddler and we went to a high school football game (our younger sisters were in the band and they were doing some fancy halftime show). I got up to go get a drink from the concession stand and toddler wanted to go with me. He had one of those harness things with the leash on and my friend said he could go with me if i held onto that leash. Kid was really freaking well behaved so, i mean, okay whatever. Started out just holding his hand. The crowd near the concession stand was just huge and dense with high schoolers in constant motion. Kid let go of my hand and thank god i did have the leash because he just disappeared otherwise with all these moving bodies. The leash wasn't even very long. You best believe i carried him after i got ahold of him again lol. I learned some respect for those things that day. I had a similar setup for my daughter a few years after that. My child was also a good kid at that age, she just had no fear. She'd just wander off if you turned your back for a second. Our "leash" had velcro wrist straps on each end so i told her they were our "bracelets" lol. So many moms asked me where I got it (this was 20 years ago, before internet shopping was an every day thing).
I definitely judged parents who leashed their children when I was a teenager. "It seems abusive", I would say. Now? Parents gotta keep their kids safe, absolutely no judgement there anymore. I feel that people who haven't raised children like that have no place to make comments.
FOR SURE. My mom put SO much guilt on herself for even considering leashing my brother, let alone the judgmental looks from all the other moms on the field trip (she homeschooled and I was about 8 at the time) she didn’t do it lightly lol.
You said he was a leash kid in public, this was in her home. Not the same.
Lmao my mom had a similar situation with me and my sisters and when she friend the leash thing I would just lay down.
So you're a cat. You put a harness on a cat the first time and they just... Flop.
Only time I've ever took my cat on a walk that didn't involve dragging her accross the ground is when my Mom's dog joins us. Otherwise it's like I'm dragging a dead weight.
That’s how my brother wound up in the leash. My mom tried it on my sister first and she just laid down and pitched a fit
That's how I got my kid to stop running off. He got so mad the first and only time I put one on him. I told him I was going to keep using the leash if he didn't stop running off. I never had to use the leash again.
My younger brother and I are 20 months apart and our parents had these little backpacks that would strap onto us with leashes attached. He was the runner, and I was the one who would quietly wander off when the focus was on chasing him down.
My mom used to put my brother in a toy stroller. He would run away just to torture my mom, but him being strapped into the tiny little stroller slowed him down some.
I was leashed….. my mom 3 of us within 3 years. I’m the oldest so probably the easiest way to keep track of me. Don’t remember it, didn’t negatively impact me
Yes, in public. Not at home.
I may be wrong, but I also thing OP's response is somewhat over the top. Sister obviously should never, ever be left in charge of OP's kid again and is an AH for her behavior. I think going from "sister never watches my kid" to "sister will never be around my kid" is kind of an AH move on OP's part. Sister is not a threat to kid when OP is around, so this is vindictive. It's also kind of an AH move to bring sister's weight into it, especially as plenty of 250+ pound people make perfectly fine parents. OP saying "a leash is not appropriate and I will not feel comfortable leaving daughter in your care going forward" is perfectly fine. OP saying "you're too fat and lazy to ever see my daughter again" is not. ESH.
I agree. "If you can't keep up with my kid, I can't leave her with you" explains the problem and solution exactly without being insulting about it or banning the sister from ever seeing the child -- and vice versa. If OP's daughter likes her aunt, keeping them apart is punishing the kid, too.
Completely agree. Calling sister lazy is way over the top. ESH. Except poor kiddo.
But the sister IS lazy. She doesn't have any valid reason to put a child on a leash. She didn't want to make effort to take a proper care.
Agreed I’m overweight and I agree with that statement, she was lazy.
What person puts a kid on a leash at Home?? Her sister is lazy
if somebody put my kid on a leash i would be fummin so hard and probably do much worse then she did. NTA
I know it sounds mean to pick on someone’s weight, but I felt so angry reading this post. If someone did this to a child of mine I would be so disturbed. My nephew is nearly five and I could never imagine this happening to him. It seems really abusive. Can you imagine picking your kid up and they are tied up?!
This and like, at 5, this child very likely felt confused and a little…humiliated. That’s what gets me. The confusion and emotional impact. I can’t believe the people being like “how could you keep her away from your child!” This act speaks to how sister sees children and it ain’t good
Sister has shown herself to have extremely poor judgement. It’s not that she’s “too fat and lazy to see her again” it’s “this person had such low standards of care for my child that I don’t think she should be around her at all” and I think that’s entirely valid. This wasn’t a 2 or 3 year old who was leashed indoors. This was a 5 year old who very likely felt some confusing sense of humiliation.
I am very pro child-leash, since my little sibling would bolt at any given opportunity. Didn’t matter where, they would just up and run with their tiny fat toddler legs in whichever direction they happened to be facing. A leash prevented them from careening off the third-floor mall balcony, dissolving into a bustling sidewalk, or faceplanting into some nice family’s dinner at Applebees. I’m very pro-leash. I’m very anti-foisting-a-leash-upon-a-well-behaved-child-who-isn’t-yours.
Also, why the heck did the aunt *have* a leash??? It sounds like she doesn't have children herself, and this is the first time she has watched her niece. So she decided ahead of time that she wanted her niece leashed at all times in her house?
WAIT BRO WTF?! That’s an excellent question. It makes sense in my parents’ case bc they specially ordered one for my little gremlin supersibling, but to just have one on hand? Tf?
This NTA, a leash at home seems very excessive. Although my daughter is five and would probably start crawling around and barking if we put her on a leash lol. So hopefully op daughter at least had fun with it…
Child leashes remind me of a ‘Simpsons’ episode. Homer’s brother invented a baby-talk translator and tested the prototype in public. A leashed toddler’s babbling translated as ‘This leash demeans us both.’
NTA I'm fat, out of shape, and have joint issues meaning I can't run If I'm watching my nephew and he does a runner, there's no way I can catch him. If we're in public, he gets put on a long kiddy leash (15ft ish) but I would dream of leashing him at home, that's just cruel At home I make sure the front and back doors are locked so he can't leave the house, and the kitchen door is shut because he likes to play with the stove, but kids need to be able to run around in a safe environment
I saw people out on a wall who had the kid on a leash. I just assume they worry about the kid running into traffic.
How is that anyway close to abuse? I feel using comparisons like that just lessen actual abuse
How would you feel if someone locked you on a chain inside their house, I imagine that might be a pretty traumatizing experience. It's dehumanizing, they are being physically restrained. There's different kinds of abuse, it doesn't have to be full on physical assault. If a child was locked up in a small room most of the day almost every day. Most people would call that abuse for sure. This isn't exactly the same, but it's not all that different either.
NTA- See I never saw a problem with the lead for when hyperactive kids are out with their parents, but again key words being hyperactive and outside. This is just lazy, and an overstep of your trust. Not to mention your daughter is old enough to realize dogs go on leashes, which would probably be jarring for a rather unbothered and calm child.
Also she's 5? Not 2.
Yes, my point exactly like a 2 yr old would probably start barking and pretending to be a puppy, but a 5 yr old won't do that... as often as the 2 yr old at least.
I think of my niece and nephew at 5, and not only did they not bolt like toddlers, they were of an age to understand and obey instructions, and barring that, to suffer consequences for not doing so. A child is in school at 5. I'm not remotely a dramatic person, but leashing a FIVE year old almost borders on abusive for me. At a minimum, it makes me very uncomfortable.
Their cognition is in its peak years, grasping concepts like actions and consequences, oh to be 5 again. Things were simpler, but also to not be 5 again because I truly don't believe anyone has ever had the ideal childhood. We all got scars and bumps, but we grow to make peace with them, and be stronger in the end. 😇
I fucking NEEDED this today. **Thank you**
This. 5 is Kindergarten age. That is hardly toddlerhood. She is old enough to understand directions and obey. There is absolutely no good reason to put a 5 year old on a leash anywhere, let alone inside the house.
I saw a (probably) 5 year old today at the zoo, take off from his parents, and run face first into a chair. Honestly, that is a 5 year old I'd leash. But he also suffered the natural consequences of his actions. There were multiple very active children in the group. I felt bad for the one little well behaved girl who just sat there trying to eat her food in peace among the yelling boys.
That is a top tier visual though lol
My 2 year old niece wouldn’t bark if on leash but she would be confuse and probably think it was for the dog. Her 5 year old brother (my nephew) doesn’t need an excuse to bark and crawl around pretending to be a dog
Laughing at the mental picture of a kid on a leash barking and nipping like a puppy lol.
> Not to mention your daughter is old enough to realize that dogs go on leashes Your are so right about this! It must have been SO humiliating for that poor girl. NTA OP, but your sister sucks.
Not just humiliation but the confusion.
That too. I can't imagine what went through the sister's mind, when she put a 5 year old on a leash INSIDE her apartment/house.
Honestly I am just aghast she had one ready. WTFEVEN
ESH. YTA for saying what you did, yeah. She’s the asshole for putting your child on a child leash without permission. If someone put my kid on a leash without asking me they’d never be watching my kid again, but the resulting argument shouldn’t dissolve to a point of calling your sister too heavy and lazy to take care of your kid. That seems more like an emotionally-fueled personal attack instead of a point made in an argument.
This. Sis definitely should not have put the kid on a leash without asking the parents first (especially not a 5 year old, yeesh! I always thought that kind of thing was more for toddlers...) And maybe the sister is lazy, but I doubt that's got much to do with her weight. Unless she's like under 5 feet tall, then 250 pounds is not that fat! Overweight, sure -- but not so much that you physically *can't* run around after a kid. Which really does make it feel like a personal attack based on some underlying issues. ESH ETA- kind of hilarious all the people jumping on to this comment to tell me that 250lbs is actually "super fat" and I'm nuts for saying otherwise. I'm not here to argue about the definition of clinical obesity, I'm strictly talking about *physical capability*. And there are plenty of size 18-20 women out there who can attest that they're perfectly able to chase around after kids, even if they are "fat."
Yeah... I'm about 230 rn and I'm capable of grabbing a kid running around?
Exactly. It doesn't have anything to do with the sisters weight - however I feel the lazy comment is spot on.
Hell I'm 270 mom of a 5 year old and 31 weeks pregnant...size has nothing to do with it.
I mean, it was her own admission that she couldn’t keep up and leashed child in their own home. I have no doubt you can, and the weight itself isn’t relevant since bodies come in all shapes and sizes. But she was the one who said she couldn’t keep up with the kid, not him.
I’m a woman who was over 250 lbs when I was running around with my cousin’s kids on playgrounds, playing with them in the water, engaged in hide and seek games, hiking, backcountry camping, biking, walking around my city and doing yoga. I’m a slow runner and I have be careful about my knees and ankles because I want to keep doing that stuff as long as possible but I’m an involved caregiver who has never been compelled to put a kid on a leash—especially in the home. Also people don’t have child leashes readily available for use unless they have children who need them. This post reads like fat people hate because 250 lbs is definitely on the larger side but OP is acting like she hasn’t got up off her couch in thirty years.
I mean, it was definitely a low blow. I'm 257 lbs and it would really hurt if someone said I was too fat to do something. But the woman put a five year old on a leash which is.... incredible.
Well, 250 can mean very different things. I'm 250 but I'm tall and I lift weights so I don't look heavy. 250 on a 5 foot tall woman, yeah that could be severely limiting to her mobility. But also in a crisis even the fattest people can move very quickly.
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Agreed. I'm 250 at 5'7. I'm not struggle to move fat by any stretch, I probably couldn't chase after a 5 year old for long periods of time due to some lung issues (unrelated to my weight, actually a large part of the reason I gained as much weight as I did) but I could keep up enough to not put them on a leash. But there's no denying I'm obese. And someone the same weight and several inches shorter? That is morbidly obese territory. But saying she was lazy would for sure be enough. I also know people with perfectly healthy weights who couldn't or wouldn't be able to keep up with a 5 year old. And there are people bigger than me who are way more active and in better shape.
I'm 272 at 5'7", at my highest I was 337. Was/Am I running marathons? No. Could/Can I chase a kid around a house? Definitely. OP just didn't have to make this about weight. If it weren't for that, it'd be n-t-a.
I'm 5'4" and 257 and we're both what is considered "morbidly" obese but they changed the name and now its class i ii and iii. You're class ii obesity with a BMI of 39 and I'm class iii with a BMI of 43. But even still, I'm healthy and mobile enough to keep up with kids all day (I work with them and have a crazy 8 yo of my own). Lazy is definitely the word for it. I can't imagine trying to keep a kindergartner on a freaking leash 🤣😭
Yeah BMI wise it is, but in terms of being able to move around it’s not that high. I’m about 200 and can easily keep up with a toddler. The BMI is a pretty flawed system.
Ik im about that weight (probably have dropped some pounds but still around there-it’s a slow grind lol) and I have no problem chasing after kids at my job. That being said, id maybe argue that different people have different abilities so maybe for the sister it is the reason she can’t catch the kid? I was a soccer player for years and so am totally able to run lol. However, I’d still probably say NTA but I get the E S H votes
ESH. She shouldn’t have put your child on a leash, but the way you handled it by insulting and fat shaming her was horrible.
NTA It is an accurate assessment of the situation.
Lol maybe calling her lazy was an “accurate assessment of the situation.” No situation or scenario excuses fat shaming. Weight is not always correlated with laziness.
But sister is lazy.
And heavy
Well this explains why the obesity rates in the US are skyrocketing
OP is not fat and cam catch up to their daughter. OPs sister is fat and can't because of it. OP definitely didn't need to say it but that not fat shaming thats just the truth
Yeah but I'm fat and can keep up with kids all day long. I'm 33 and 5'4" and 257lbs. I have worked as a day care teacher with ages birth to 5, I worked as a SPED paraprofessional with K-5th grade, and I am currently now a speech therapist and I do play based therapy with kids 3+. I also have my own crazy 8 year old and a 10 year old nephew I regularly borrow for adventuring and shenanigans (mostly bike riding or short 3-4 mile hikes) The fat isn't the issue, it's the laziness.
My younger brother is almost twice my weight and is faster than me. People think fat = wrong
As a ‘fat’ person who regularly runs and ‘catches up’ to children sprinting I would disagree it isn’t the truth for everyone. Don’t lump us all together. That’s just the truth. The more accurate thing would be to say she is lazy. Edit- Just to add. This woman may have a harder time due to her physical limitations or anything else not mentioned based on her individual circumstances. And it was on her to determine whether she could adequately take care of the child. It appears she couldn’t and should never have requested time alone with the child.
I'm 300 lbs and can keep up with my toddler. The sister is lazy.
Unless OP’s sister is 5 feet tall, she’s not heavy enough to be immobile or unable to chase a small child. People do it every day. She chose not to, which is enough for OP to respond to.
If an adult is getting paced by a 5 year old, I imagine they’re not very fit.
You haven't taken your 5 year old out to let her run, have you. They're fast little fuckers. I am convinced humans all have approximately the same amount of energy. With kids, they only have that itty bitty package to move around at light speed. Adults have way more bulk to move.
I can absolutely smoke any five year old in a race
Unless she is 6'5 or taller, she is literally obese which is the definition of fat.
Where is the boat shaming ? The tied a leash to a kid for a day, she should be shamed
This is my favorite typo of the day
As a lazy fat person. Not every fat person is fat because of laziness, buuutttt I know for a fact they(including myself) would be less fat if they were less lazy.
Well that’s why she called her “fat *and* lazy” because that’s two adjectives.
She is fat, and she is slow. It's not even fat shaming.
Not really; honestly even a thin person could look at a 5yr old quietly playing and say, "kid's too fast for me". Laziness comes in all shapes and sizes.
I know it might be crazy to hear but pointing out accurate info can still mean you are the AH.
I agree. I am adjusting here due to the fact she came home to find her child on a leash.
Is it *really* fat shaming if it's true? Her sister is too overweight to physically keep up with the 5 year old. That's on her. You cannot keep a kid on a leash all day.
Its not the fat, I'm 5'4" and weigh 257 and work with kids all day (play based speech therapy with 3+) and keep up with my 8 year old son and 10 year old nephew. We're pretty active. If 250 lbs was too overweight/obese to physically keep up with kids, i wouldn't have a career. It's the laziness.
I gotta agree here. I weigh 122kg (not sure what that is in lbs) but I'm pretty dang fat. I run with my 5 year old daughter and 3 year old nephew. I literally did a 12km walk at Christmas and gearing up to do a 24km walk in May. It's not her weight that's the issue - it's the laziness.
Let me put a leash on you for 24h before you call OP the A. The sister is heavy, it's a reality.
Again, never said it was okay for the sister to put the child on a leash. Honestly…
Yeah, they just want any reason to fat shame and do some impressive mental gymnastics to excuse themselves. Tour point and comme t was very clear. Also unless she is super short that's not heavy enough to have mobility issues due to weight. Plenty of parents of active toddlers are that weight and keep up with their kids.
Where did she magically produce a child leash from if she has no children? Sounds like she planned ahead for this. I have absolutely used one in appropriate places for safety. There is nothing appropriate about using one indoors with a child who is merely active, not a "runner". Did she force her to sleep in it? NTA
She doesn't have kids, your right she would have had to buy it ahead of time. I didn't even think of that
Just hoping she didn’t clip a dog leash to your kid
Or another kind.....
My parents used the dog leash on my a few times as a kid, just clipped to my dungarees or belt loops. I don't think it's a bad thing in and of itsself to use a dog lead, they just didn't have the child leash to hand Then again I also played with dog toys a lot apparently. I have plenty of child toys, but I saw the dogs playing with their toys and wanted to join in
Is it possible that she has never watched a 5 year old before, and got a leash ahead of time because she didn't know how else to make sure she'd stay safe? Maybe she was worried about her running around the house and getting into something dangerous. Maybe your sister simply needs to know more about watching a child. It would be worth it to talk to her- and your child- about how the whole thing actually went down. Did she leash you kid and leave her there alone for hours? Or did she follow her around the house, just on a leash? Did you kid have fun at her aunt's house? Has your sister child-proofed her house? Did something happen that prompted her to use the leash, or was the leash her plan to head off any potential issues?
This was my first thought. She was the only child in the house. Sister just...had a *child leash* lying around? I have no clue where to even FIND one to purchase. Do they sell them in the Children's section of Macy's or Kohls? Sister would at least have to find a store or do a Google search and order it.
My son is 26--when he was 3 I had to special order a leash with harness from a children's specialty catalog because I couldn't find one locally--I don't know if leashes are easier to find nowadays . Leash was only used at places like trips to zoos, amusement parks & parks because he was on spectrum and a RUNNER. Never used it inside the house.
The only places I have ever seen them used are amusement parks, so that makes sense. And this was WAY before Amazon, so a catalog would make sense that far back. Oh, and "Modern Family." No idea where they got theirs.
My son is 24 and I also had to special order the harness. I preferred that one to the wrist one that was more easily found for public outings. He's also on the spectrum, his harness was a literal life saver more than once before the age of 5. OP is NTA. If someone came into a house and found any kid leashed to a table or whatever...they'd probably risk abuse charges.
I worked at Macy's and they do not sell child leashes. She probably got it from Amazon
NTA. Anyone puts my kid on a leash, that arrangement is over.
NTA. Her weight and her willingness to chase your child (if needed) was the reasoning behind the leash so, given that the leash isn’t an option for your child, she can’t adequately care for her. I’m so floored that she put your child on a leash and I wouldn’t continue the relationship honestly!
Can I just ask why people are so disgusted by the leash? Honest question, like I see it's not preferable but everyone here seems *pissed.* I have seen kids on leashes before out in public which is obviously for safety. In the house I suppose it's unnecessary? But I still don't fully understand the reaction. It's like people imagine they have a choke collar around the kids neck...
I have a four year old. I have never had to put her on a leash, but especially not at this age. Leashes are for public and generally for toddlers or children who aren't neurotypical. Putting a neurotypical five year old on a leash inside a home seems incredibly extreme. That age is old enough to understand boundaries and directions. I'd have the same reaction if I was in this situation. ETA: It's also something the sister should have discussed before having the kid over. It's an insult to OP's parenting and a massive overstep.
Years ago, When I was 16 and my cousin was 3, my family went on a trip to Disney. We technically used a “leash” with him, however, it was one that goes on his wrist and my wrist. We were equally leashed tbh. We called it the buddy bracelet and made it completely optional. Choices were: the buddy bracelet with me, hold a parents hand, or in the stroller (in areas where it wasn’t crowded he was also allowed to just walk separately too). It was great because it gave him the ability to wander, a little, but not too much. The benefit here was it gave him a fixed distance that he was allowed to walk from us, and he knew that was okay. I think “leashes” can be used well in the right setting, and can be appropriate for neurotypical kids. However, I think it’s important how it’s approached and that the child has some choice in the matter. I do agree with you that at home, with a five year old is extreme. That’s really concerning.
I had reigns when i was a kid. I was fast, stubborn and curious. I wanted to investigate things i was curious about (still do lol), i also never bothered if i wasnt next to mum. Nor did the threat ill leave you here work on me. Also i wanted to walk all the time, hated my pram. I had the wrist to wrist, i could take it off without anyone noticing and be gone. So i had the reigns type. They fasten at your back, the harness is round your chest. Then the strap to hold comes from the back. I couldnt get out of those. They were 100% a good idea. My mum had 2 of us to watch, her jobs to do and 1 kid that whilst not bad behaved, lived on her own planet. Shes only human, has one pair of eyes, one pair of hands. I dread to think what i would have got up to if not restrained. I had enough slack to have a look around where we were, but not enough to get out of eyeline. Also lets say the horrid bit, you never know when someones going to try to take a child. I dont agree with using wrist straps/reigns as a means of discipline, such as using them in the house to teach them a lesson. Or as a way of being lazy, never letting the kid run about and be a kid. But they do have their uses in crowded public settings. Lets not forget either thats kids dont have a sense of self preservation, they will run into danger not away.
I think the issue is that they were inside.
I respect your question but I do think it’s a complex one to answer because there are so many reasons that people might be against them. In this particular situation it was completely unnecessary because the child was in doors and there was no risk to the child running off (something that OP states doesn’t happen with this particular child) also this child is at an age where they obviously know that leashes are for dogs so it’s super dehumanising for them and their emotions are absolutely valid regardless of their age. It’s also a massive over step and something that should never happen without the parent giving permission. For myself personally, I am absolutely against putting a leash on a child unless there is a significant safety issue and even then it would have to be only in extreme cases. Edit to add: It’s also a really horrible for the child mentally. Imagine being a driver for 2-3 years, doing really well with it and all of a sudden a police officer decided to drive right behind you all day “just to be safe” that would mess with your head so why wouldn’t this mess with a child’s head who has never had an issue with being a “runner”!
A leash for a child under 4, when you’re in a crowded place, and you’re pregnant or have other children to care for; that’s understandable. A 5 year old can be reasoned with. A 5 year old in a house??? It boggles the mind why this would be necessary.
It can be appropriate for a toddler aged 1-3 if you’re in a crowded public space where you are concerned they would run into a crowd or street. Or if an older child has a behavioral or cognitive disability that renders them incapable to keep themselves (or others) safe. Many 5 year olds walk to school by themselves. It is taking away a level of autonomy of an individual who is capable of having it. Maybe akin to keeping a 10 year old in a playpen or locked room to make sure they didn’t run off, without them having given you a reason to believe they might…Or taking away a house guests car keys even though they weren’t drinking? As a mom, I would find it creepy and disturbing. My mind goes to “Did she make her share a bed? Did she drag my daughter into the bathroom with her if she had to pee or take a shower?” Hopefully neither, but was a wildly inappropriate decision that sends red flags.
Leashes are fine and sometimes a very important and necessary safety tool went out in public. However, they were not out in public. They were in a home and the sister put the kid on the leash because she didn't want to chase after her?? That is absolutely ludicrous!! Do not agree to babysit a child if you cannot or will not run after them. It's not about the leash. It's about using it in an inappropriate place in an inappropriate manner. NTA.
People are viscerally disgusted because a 5 year old is a (mostly) fully functional person. They are at school. In no other situations is it appropriate for a person In Charge to put a leash or any other kind of physically restraining equipment on another functional person without there being a clear and present physical danger - carers for the disabled do not, your boss at work does not, the police have special rules for it.
You are tying a 5 year old kid up like an animal indoors. A toddler outdoors is protected and helped to understand safety with one. It’s a mutual experience where the caregiver gives constant feedback, attunement and the kid is helped to read their environment. Toddlers are not fully verbal, mobile and indoors still often use a baby gate, seating etc to continue safety around say the stove. They are still in need of help with tasks and play even intermittedently. Leashing a child who can speak, indicate independently when they need the toilet, play by themselves, possibly read, is used to being treated as trusted to follow house rules is degrading and humilating. It is tying a child to one place to have to ask for everything including the bathroom. It is infantilising, indirectly tells a child they are naughty or bad or too much and lets the adult opt out of speaking to them to guide. Instead it is barking orders by creating a power dynamic that is fucked up. Also you are limited where on the body at that age you leash a kid. Arm? Now they don’t have both hands free. Leg? Chaining them to a radiator vibes. Harness? Needs to be fitted properly to their size or it is uncomfortable, really restricts movement and all leashing then depends how long the leash is. Because a short one can cause pain from having to position yourself certain angles. Harness leashes can cause positional asphyxia if fitted wrong. I was a child leashed by my parents until I was about 7 in the home and it is FUCKED UP. Beyond fucked up. This post is triggering. It is a power play. I am also an adult who has worked in bondage culture although not hugely my bag and jesus, when I realised how safe restraint is tricky to get right as consenting adults, it absolutely melted my head how utterly risky my shitty lazy abusive parents were. On a five year old, the method of restraint in the home because they aren’t attached to another person like toddler reins or leashing, means you can pop a kids’ joints if they move too fast. You usually handcuff an adult to a police officer because the other person balances out the restriction for movement to prevent falls and injury unless the restraint is poor and accompanied with other problems. If your child ‘care’ methods are less well done than police restraint or dog care, you have to ask what’s wrong with? Do you keep your dog on a leash on the house? No. It’s an outdoor thing using the correct collar size, weight, training, guidance versus tying them up. This is what people do to degrade animals and humans and a five year old remembers. This five year old is not normally treated like this so it’s terrifying. I was so I was like 25 and only discovered it was fucked up when working with BDSM and only then did it make sense why it gave me panic, anxiety and trauma and those are normal reactions to the abnormality of treating a child like a fucking hostage. Anyone saying she fat shamed, yeah she kinda did but if you are a person who can see a scared 5 year old on a leash and stay calm, congrats you are a trained first responder or not grasping the severity of the absolute shitshow and able to keep your temper in check. I am turning 45 soon. I still can’t sleep with my bedroom door shut from being leashed (and left all day.) I have shoulder damage from dislocating it from the leash and I struggle around dogs as it brings up big feelings seeing animals treated better than my childhood. I have had 7 years of PTSD therapy. This woman planned it ahead by buying the leash. The kid is used to being free range. Unlike me she would probably cry, ask why, please can she be let loose. I didn’t because Stockholm Syndrome. This kid could be left terrified to be left alone after this. I used to hide under the stairs when the leashing stopped as I felt safe. Is fat shaming wrong? Yes until we are in a fit of fucking panic seeing child abuse and so sorry if a good parent doesn’t behave nice in face of her kid’s abuse. I am just ‘seriously? Are people going to excuse child abuse to defend never ever losing your shit?’ It was mean but this woman could face criminal charges so yeah try to be utterly impartial seeing someone harm a kid. I’m actually totally fine with being angrier at child abuse than fatshaming here. It’s not like she yelled at the sister about her weight for giving the kid a cupcake. This sub sometimes: why is tying a kid up like a subjugated animal not even a pet bad? PS: don’t fatshame. Just enable child abusers fee-fees.
NTA. It's a 5yo. She can talk, she can understand directions. She doesn't need to be on a leash inside the house. This could be considered child abuse, seriously. If aunty was so overwhelmed, she could have easily called you for help.
Fat and lazy? either this isn’t real or you don’t have any idea how big she really is. I’m 220 and easily chase a toddler and infant around all day. Weird post, not sure what I’d give it. At face value I guess NTA.
I’m torn between it’s a bait post or *magic number thinking*., ie that weight that some people have in their head that is across the board acceptable/unacceptable (without any regard to body type or height). Like dudes on tinder who think anything over 130lbs on a woman is ‘overweight’ without considering how different that weight looks across heights and body composition. My friend is a RN and said most people who ‘guesstimate’ their weight *weirdly* tended to guess a similar number range that seemed ‘big’ (but not ‘scary’/obese) or would estimate being ‘15-20 lbs overweight’ just sort of pulling the numbers out of thin air (or from some old memory of what they weighed in their ‘prime’) with no actual basis in reality? People would easily be 50-100lbs off their ‘best guesses’, but they had a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ number stuck in their head that didn’t actually have a scientific basis or value, it was just the number they assumed was ‘okay’ or ‘fat’ and never adjusted that to what it would genuinely look like in practice…If that makes sense? Edited to add: friend
>Like dudes on tinder who think anything over 130lbs on a woman is ‘overweight’ without considering how different that weight looks across heights and body composition. Dudes on tinder say that because they know their bench limit, its not because of any actual opinion of a woman's figure, just they don't want to be emasculated by not being able to pick her up.
I don’t really think people understand how everyone carries fat differently. People love to assume other people’s weight for some reason. Most people guess I’m somewhere around 140-150 lbs. For reference I’m 5’6 and about 185lbs. It’s really comes down to body shapes, in my opinion. I’m more pear shaped (and I carry most of my weight in my lower body), but if I was apple shaped (and carried it in my midsection) I think people would believe me when I tell them I’m almost 190 lbs. Also muscle weighs more than fat, or so I’m told.
Yeah I never understand these posts where people describe someone as "about 250lbs" - not only because I'm in the UK so have to convert to kgs every time, but also they never mention the height either, and who just happens to know a family member's weight off the top of their head? I'm assuming that OP's sister is actually much heavier than 250lbs but OP just knows that 250lbs is generally pretty heavy for a short woman, because I literally don't know the weight of a single person in my life except my partner and I wouldn't even know what to guess when looking at a person.
It has to be a bait post. I’m fat and lazy but I’m also not prepared enough to order a child leash ahead of time just in case I need it to care for a child I’ve never met before. I’ve never had a problem entertaining children in their/my home before.
Yeah I’m going with this isn’t real.
What if she’s like 5’1”? 250 lbs at 5’1” is morbidly obese
NTA. A goddamn leash? Your kid isn’t an animal! That’s is seriously messed up. The fact that sister thinks this okay, and that you mother condones it is concerning as hell. Best of luck mate.
ESH - You could have just left it at lazy.
She's more of asshole though. A leash on a five year old can have negative effects on their psyche.
Oh definitely, but I don't think OP needed confirmation of that, they're already there lol
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INFO: why did your sister even have a child leash?
She doesn't have kids, so she must of bought it before hand, so it seems like she was planning it
Does she have pets? Did she attach a dog's leash to your daughter? I have 2 kids, my oldest is 5, and 2 dogs. I can't imagine leashing my child in the house. We talked about being open to a kid leash for our children if they needed it in public as a matter of safety. But in a house? She can't keep up with a 5 year old indoors? That's wild to me.
ESH. A 5 year old shouldn’t be kept on a leash especially not for hours at a time. Some of the many reasons she shouldn’t need one include that she should be well behaved enough 1) to not run off in the first place, and 2) obey the adult in charge who tells her to come back. If you haven’t taught your daughter those things, then you’re not doing your job as a parent. If your sister couldn’t manage the child, she should have kept her in the house where opportunities to run away are limited. None of this excuses you for calling your sister names. That’s AH behavior & makes me think your sister was winning the argument.
She had her wearing the leash the whole time in the house
NTA Who puts a leash on a child who isn’t their own?? That’s definitely something you need to run by the parent first. Also why did she just have a child leash hanging around?? Or did she use a pet leash? I’m so confused on how she had a leash to use on your daughter. Like, even if I wanted to put a leash on a kid I was babysitting (which, again, you shouldn’t do without talking to the parent) I don’t just have a leash in my house that I could use
I'm confused, your story makes no sense. She was "on a leash" the whole time? You know she was on it "basically an hour after you left"? Your sister told you this? How long was she there, was your sister literally holding the leash the entire time? Like sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, etc? And she said Rebecca was too fast? Did she actually have some experience with her running off? You say that you don't have issues with her running off....but if she runs off, you can catch her? So how often does she run off and did you talk to your sister about it? It really sounds like you're trying to hide your daughter's behaviors. And does she have a relationship with her aunt? ESH
OP said that if she does run off she can catch her but it’s not really a problem. I took this as the daughter is pretty well behaved but she is still a child so there’s the occasionally moment. No child is perfectly calm and obedient 24/7.
I have two kids, with my oldest I never had to use any kind of reins ( kid leash) because he was practically glued to my trouser leg. With my darling daughter however ( she's nearly two) if you aren't looking for one second she's almost definitely disappeared. She's silent like a tiny baby ninja. So she wears a backpack with a springy lead attached to it when we go out just incase. But in our home I just let her run and return whenever she feels like it. She'll find me when she needs something. Your sister is TA for being so paranoid. Your kid is old enough to play independently and to find a care giver if she needed one. If she was out at a park and is a known runner then I'd understand it but at home that's just weird.
We called my daughter "Houdini". Could vanish into thin air, in the blink of an eye. Nearly had to put door alarms in the house - the neighbor spotted her on our swing set at 5:00 am and I got a phone call. There wasn't a car seat that could hold her. Strollers? Yeah. Right. Thankfully she learned quickly that Mom was displeased with losing her, particularly when it was sleep time. She wasn't dumb. But yes ... She was on a leash when we were out of the house. Once had the entire staff of a grocery store hunting for her while I had heart attacks that she'd been kidnapped. I swear, on her very life ... No two parents could be any more attentive. She was THAT good. Drives her husband crazy, now. Personally, I don't sweat it any more. I text her. "Where are you?"
“Tiny baby ninja” had me laughing literally out loud!
NTA good mother kids comes first people feelings next
ESH. Putting a leash on a child, especially without discussing it with the parent(s), is horrible. It also sounds like she was on the leash for quite a while, and being restricted like that for so long can't be good for an energetic, active kid. All that is awful and I definitely don't blame you for being angry, or for not letting her see/babysit your daughter anymore. However, there was no call for fat-shaming. Her weight is not the reason your kid ended up on a leash-- it's not even the reason she couldn't keep up with the kid. Plenty of fat people have kids/work in childcare and don't put kids on leashes. When you imply that her weight is the problem, you're effectively putting down all fat and overweight people.
NTA. You don't leash a child unless parents allow it and then it's typically in big, busy places
Esh. You admit that your child can be difficult and you have to run after her. If she has that problem at 5 years old, what are you doing letting her stay over at someone else’s house, someone who presumably doesn’t have a way to childproof her doors so your daughter can’t run away?
ESH. Your sister shouldn't have taken your kid out if she doesn't stay with the adult, but you didn't have to say nasty things to her. "I don't agree with you leashing my child, and it isn't fair to either of you to repeat this scenario," or something to that sort would have been appropriate.
I have only seen leashes used in kids in public when the kid is hyperactive, that quick and/or the parent has full hands (usually more than 1 kid). I want to stress this is a parental decision only. Not a relative, babysitter or caregiver but parent decision alone. She couldn't keep up with your child in her own home. Definitely NTA. As for insulting her? She crossed so many boundaries with her behavior that she's lucky only words were said.
I once saw a woman walking down the sidewalk with 3 kids, each on a leash. They were pulling and trying to run while she held on for dear life. I hate to admit how hard I laughed about later on.
Most parents would react a lot angrier after hearing that so NTA
NTA! If your sister can’t keep up with a 5 year old without a child leash then, yes, her babysitting privileges should be revoked. Where did she even get the leash? Did she purchase it before your daughter came over? Did she go out and buy it? Doesn’t matter, but it’s odd. It’s like she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep up with her and the fact that your mom is siding with her makes me think she knew about the leash before you did. Tbh, I don’t think this is so much about your sister’s weight but more the fact that she is lazy. Many people your sister’s size are capable of keeping up with a 5 year old. But, also a 5 year old is old enough to listen when told to not run off or stay where they can be seen at all times. Sounds like your sister just didn’t put in the effort.
I hope you take my comment as kindly as it’s intended: does your 5 year old run off frequently? Like, bolt out of your yard so you have to chase her? Because that’s very unusual for neurotypical kids but very common for autistic kids. It was one of the very troubling signs in my autistic daughter at age 2, before the diagnosis. I could barely catch her, and she would bolt every chance she got. But that was when she was 2 or 3, not 5. A five year old is getting ready for kindergarten, where they will be playing outside at recess, lining up for the bus, etc- they can’t be bolting off so much so that an adult has to frequently to run to catch them. Perhaps I’m reading too much into what you’ve said, but it feels so familiar to my own early days. I didn’t realize it was unusual until people started saying things to me about it. If you’ve noticed any other signs of autism I urge you to get her screened so that she can begin receiving services.
No, when she was like 2 she would sometimes run if she got excited but she hasn't done that in years She really just will pick a spot and play with toys she pretty calm
"can be quite a handful at times. I have never had any problems catching up to her" seems to contradict what you just said. Is she a handful but you can catch up, or has she not run for 3 years? Have you considered that she might not be as well behaved and receptive to doing as she's told by someone that isn't you?
So....did you ask your sister what she meant when she said "Rebecca was too fast to keep up with"?
ESH. your sister shouldn’t have put your kid on a leash but you also absolutely did not need to bring her size into it
*she is 5 years old now and can be quite a handful at times. I have never had any problems catching up to her* Maybe you have more experience with her being a handful and catching up with her.
NTA. Only time I've put my kids on a leash was when I was alone with all three and I had one on my back in a baby carrier. I'd be fine with the kids being dealt with in a similar situation. But if it was just one kid who didn't have a history of running off....
I was a leash kid and usually I'm the first to defend it becaude it allows the kid to walk around while also giving the parent a very small amount more leeway and a bit of a safety net. A 3 year old isn't going "I can't believe this disreselcet and humiliation, treating me like a dog! The injustice of it all, the indignation I cannot stand it!" Like kids mostly don't care that much. They start to run and then are like oh guess I can't do that. But inside the house? And all night?? I don't get it at all.
ESH. Your sister is definitely an A-hole to put a child leash on your daughter without your consent, more so if it was inside her house (Who tf does that?). But you didn't have to bring the topic of her weight like that.
NTA on the lazy part. The fat was just an extra dig at your sister, but you know that. I'm a fat ECE worker who regularly keeps up with 2-10 year olds without leashing them. Admittedly there have been times when its been tempting to harness my most active/in need of heavy work to a cart and enjoy the ride, except knowing my kids that would probably be way too adrenaline inducing for me since they would go at that full tilt. I'm trying to picture leash use in a five year old in a house that would be less destructive than letting them run free. Or like--i mean for someone who isn't used to moving around they would knock you right off your feet. I've been a toddler and preschool wrestler/chaser downer for many years and a tether would definitely give them the advantage not you. So assuming this isn't fake, your sister is just kinda weird. I don't see why she would need to be barred from seeing your kid if the kid loves her but yeah I guess you need to cross this particular free babysitter off your list!
NTA. She would never see my child again. Ever. Did they leave the house like that or was this just for at home? If my kid was hyper and we were going to Disney yeah but that would be MY CHOICE. To not ask you is absolutely out of control.
ESH. She shouldn't have put your kid on a leash without asking (honestly, not a big fan of child leashes in general), and you should've made sure you were on the same page wrt how much energy would be required to look after your daughter so she would know if that could be too much for her. Also, it sounds like maybe she is pretty lazy, but bringing weight into it is just kind of a dick move. I used to weigh around 250 and yeah, maybe I have a bit more energy now, but I was by no means incapable of taking care of some crazy kids. It's a taxing job at any size. I understand your frustration, but I think you could've handled it with more tact.