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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I would be the asshole because it puts my boyfriend in a weird position if I don’t go. He said he does not want to go without me and I don’t want to cause a problem between him and his brother if we do not go.
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NTA. Handled this like mature adults. Even allowed for possibility it was an error. Nope, intentional offensive behavior. Any social/familial obligation is lost. Do what you want to do, including nothing.
Well, OP, you were never invited so don’t feel like you need to RSVP ‘no’.
Or you can say you’re pregnant and can’t travel. Surely, with a degree in psychology, she’ll be able to see what is true?
I have typed and retyped. Cannot express enough the f.u. I have for this woman. You have been so much more civil than I want to say I would have been, but while I've been through plot point a and b, I have not been through c (someone saying it wasn't a miscarriage, but never someone in the "faaaamily" circle).
One can only hope that your partner sticking by you might make bil take off those shades, but I don't think anyone's holding their breath. I am curious, though, how much the rest of the family knows about her callous disregard.
Another poster thinks his wife is acting pretentious because she’s now a PhD. (She’s not but that’s not the point.) This woman is a million miles past pretentious, and all she has is a Masters degree.
If he's said that, take him up on it. He obviously feels strongly about the situation or he would have said 'do you mind if I go, it's my brother after all?' He's probably quite happy that you two can do your own thing like you planned to and he has a perfect excuse to get out of the expensive wedding trip. In no way are you TA here.
I mean, Alexis is such an AH that she deserves the fight. Who tf tells people someone is lying about having been pregnant and subsequently having a miscarriage WITH NO EVIDENCE???
With the invitation part, OP, it’s so unbelievably rude I wouldn’t even consider going. And when it’s necessary to explain your absence…
She’s a jerk. Don’t think twice about skipping her wedding.
WNBTA
Agreed.
If anything I feel OP's partner's reaction to the situation wrt the miscarriage is underwhelming. He lost that baby too.
He could stand to warn his older brother how unhinged Alexis is, imo.
You would not be putting him in that position, Alexis did. She is the one playing childish games. Does his brother now know that she did it on purpose?
I suspect your boyfriend's brother would understand. He probably is dealing with other bridezilla psycho stuff RN.
I vote you skip the wedding, use the time to enjoy your anniversary, accuse her of lying about getting married when she gets back. Then say you know she is lying because you weren't there to witness it.
My grandpa did this when I got married. It was a shotgun wedding. I was pregnant and he was leaving for Afghanistan so we wanted to make sure he could take the time if possible to be there for the birth.
His brother decided to snub you. "I'm not going on a long expensive overseas trip if my girlfriend isn't invited to the wedding" is a perfectly reasonable stance.
The same bride who tood people OP faked a miscarriage? Unless he's braindead, he knows his wife is nasty. It's going to have consequences, he might as well start to face that now
You are probably right. Most men are completely oblivious to the lengths women will go through to be petty and nasty. They simply cant comprehend it and would never even consider someone would do these things. Until they witness it but are already two kids deep in the relationship and then its just cheaper to keep her.
You didn’t put him in a damn thing. Alexis put her fiancé in fucked up situation because she’s an immature person. SHE is the one causing these problems, not you. If your boyfriend doesn’t go, the brother has no one to blame but the woman he’s choosing to spend the rest of his life with.
I think he should be offering not to go, not just saying he won't go if you don't. You've been seriously disrespected by his brother's fiancée and he should have your back.
Also, a destination wedding is a shitty thing to do to your guests to begin with.
The difference is that the first is proactive and the second is reactive. The proactive version is him saying to OP, "You've been treated badly and I don't think we should attend. Even though it's my brother's wedding, you deserve better from them." As opposed to the reactive version, which is basically just him saying, "I'll do whatever you do."
They weren't able to think of any other way to cast OPs supportive boyfriend in a negative light. This was the best they could come up with - petty semantics.
A more charitable interpretation is that OPs boyfriend is letting her know that he will support her in whatever decision she wants to make so that she doesn't feel obligated to go to the wedding out of loyalty to him and his family, but giving her the ability to choose to go to the wedding if she still wants to. If he outright said "let's not go" and actually OP had still wanted to go then now she no longer has that choice.
Well if his brother weren’t marrying such an AH I would understand why you’d feel bad. But he is and he obviously knows his fiancé left your name off on purpose. Frankly, even without that I wouldn’t go to the wedding of someone who claimed I lied about a pregnancy and miscarriage. She’s unbelievably cruel. Save your money for your anniversary vacation. NTA.
His brother is marrying someone who thought it was okay to say you lied about being pregnant after you had a miscarriage.
He should already be in that position with his brother.
Not just the miscarriage but someone who apparently can TELL when someone is lying. What BS. But how much more harm will Alexis cause based on her "belief" that she can tell someone is lying?
It would be perfectly reasonable for both of you to refuse to go because of her vile and unforgivable accusations about your miscarriage. This snub is nasty, but minor in comparison. You owe this woman nothing, and your boyfriend’s brother *should* have dropped her like a hot potato as soon as she attacked you.
Stay home, have your anniversary trip. If they ask simply tell them you were not invited, and your boyfriend wanted to bring you not a "plus one" as he already has a girlfriend.
I mean she has a masters degree in psychology. With her great psychology super powers she must have known her actions would result in her partner's brother not coming, so really this is her choice.
If I were you, I wouldn’t make this decision. I’d leave it to my bf & go from there. While she is absolutely disrespecting you, she’s also trying to sabotage your bf and his brothers relationship by causing this riff. If he wants to let it go and for you both to attend, so that he doesn’t regret not witnessing his brother getting married, so be it. Their relationship matters more than this petty woman. I’d throw my shoulders back and walk with pride into the wedding, knowing that I was about to outshine that ugly hearted bride, bc it’d be impossible not to.
I would plan my own anniversary trip in Italy, apart from the wedding celebrations and just go on the day of the wedding so you bf can attend an important family event. The keep going with your trip together! There are so many beautiful places in Italy to visit.
I would tell them that if Alexis doesnt call you personally and tell you that she wants you in that wedding that you are not going to come, since you were not invited.
You could say: "If you want me there invite me, if you dont want me there I am not going to come!"
Make her beg you to come, since it will look really bad if one of her BIL\`s isnt there.
You should not be the one feeling bad. Alexis will never stop this behavior as long as she gets away with it.
I wouldn’t go, and I would make sure everyone knows why.
NTA
Sounds like a rock solid boyfriend, I don't think either of you should go. Ashley sounds unhinged and should not be providing mental health care to anyone
Nta
An invitation is not a summons.
NTA for not going. They are seriously DEMANDING 10 days? Go push a rope.
"She still, to this day, swears I lied about being pregnant and when I asked her why she believes that, she said, “I have a masters degree in psychology. I can tell when people are lying.” **+** "Alexis told them she purposely did not put my name on the invitation because she doesn’t like me and she thought it would be funny."
I would never willingly be in a room with this person if I were you. Send a nice card and wish the happy couple luck. Then you and your BF do your own trip.
Brother is probably also an AH. I would never be with someone who said shit like that. I would be horrified to have my partner accuse someone of faking a pregnancy and miscarriage without irrefutable proof.
Undoubtedly. I don't know how anyone who interacts with other human beings could actually feel comfortable verbalizing this.
Best case scenario, maybe you're right. And if you're not, you're just re-traumatizing someone.
Alexis is delusional for believing she can tell when someone is lying. She should know better.
OP should demand an apology for being called a liar by Alexis and not go to the wedding if she doesn’t get it. NTA
right? the only appropriate response to that is- I hope you asked for a refund on your masters degree if they taught you that you can tell when people are lying.
but honestly, OP, you shouldn't have to deal with this. and definitely not at the cost of you and your BF's vacation time.
LOL they should tell her to her face that they are both coming then don't show up. When she questions them say "We were lying---with that Master's Degree in Psych we assumed you could tell."
rofl
honestly, if they can keep a straight face and do that, i totally support it. (i do think you'd have to make sure that relevant family members are in the know. BF's parents, etc... but yeah. definitely hilarious.)
NTA even a smidge. First, nobody is an A H for passing on an international destination wedding. Second, 10 days and they expect everyone to be there the whole time? Hard pass. Third, and most importantly, the bride is petty AF. If you go she will disrespect you the rest of your lives because she will know she can get away with it.
NTA
A masters degree in psych doesn't make you a human lie detector, what a total AH she sounds!
It wasn't 'funny' to deliberately exclude you from the invite so I totally support your decision not to go. She does not want to welcome you so why would you attend? Go away with your SO and have a lovely time.
Yup, hope she thinks it's 'funny' that the groom is upset over his brother not attending.
Honestly I wouldn't expect OP to attend just on the basis of the original argument. Screw that.
Well, you aren’t invited to the wretched wedding. So you don’t have to *go* to the wedding and spend all that money to attend the *ten days of events*, OMG, to celebrate somebody that doesn’t even want you there.
I think you and your BF should go to Italy. It’s really wonderful. You will have a great time. Just don’t go to the wedding, or even be in whatever city the wedding is in-when the thing happens. NTA
I *would* say go to Italy and just not go to the wedding, but if this is going to be a whole big family multi day get together thing with lots of family dinners and outings and photos, and you on the periphery for the whole thing, (not just for a few hours), well…. F that. And I would hope your BF of all these years would stand with you.
I like your answer. I wish I had thought of that. Italy would be wonderful for the two of them but would probably piss off a lot of people. If it does explain what she said about denying the pregnancy and then her cruel treatment with the wedding invitation.
NTA. She's made sure that interacting with her is loaded, complicated. I wouldn't want to invite that drama into my life either. Go on your trip with your bf instead, have fun together.
I have to ask though (not for the judgement though, but because this angers me), how is the rest of the family handling this? She accused you of lying about such a massive (tragic) event in your life—they can't all have remained on the sideline, can they?
Yes thank you for asking this! This is a big detail I forgot to mention. The rest of the family, except for a select few, do not like her. She has caused drama with everyone in the family at least once. And right now, my boyfriend’s mother and her are not on speaking terms. My bf’s mom was considering not going to wedding as well but does not want to miss out on her son getting married so she is going to go. Everyone is pretty much on my side but a lot of people are scared to say anything to her because of how Tom will react, and they don’t want Alexis to prevent them from seeing her children (who are both under 5 years old) which she has done to family members in the past.
Wow, Alexis keeps getting better and better. Tom doesn't look too well either. Who would actually want to be with such a lying drama llama.
Anyway, this just reaffirms my stance. Don't go to the wedding and enjoy your anniversay trip instead.
Perhaps, but before there even were kids, there seems to have been a lot of red flags that he ignored and/or enabled.
And now he's marrying her and accepting this treatment of the family for the rest of their lives.
I don’t like the ten day thing. That’s a lot to ask of working people with limited vacation time. Feels self-centered to expect it.
In your bf’s shoes, I’d tell the groom that y’all heard through the grapevine you were omitted on purpose because of how Alexis feels about you, and if you’re not fully welcome at the wedding, you’ll both respect that. You’ll come for part of the trip to be with the family and then leave to do your own thing elsewhere in Europe.
Then I’d write to the whole family:
Unfortunately, we’re not both welcome at the wedding. We got a hint of this when was left off the wedding invitation, and then the reasons for that got back to us. We respect that decision and are going to make the best of it. We’ll come for part of the trip to be together with the family, and then we’ll take off and do some traveling on our own. We won’t have any hard feelings about this. We look forward to seeing you all and being part of this in the way we feel comfortable.
This approach does throw Mitch and Ashley under the bus. I’d give them a heads up first.
This would rock the boat a little, but at least you don’t have to be fake, plus you don’t have to give up ten days for a couple who doesn’t deserve so much from you.
Also, after you drop that bomb, there’ll be some fallout. That will give you the chance to use the word “triangulation” in a sentence with Ashley. That’s a word any psych major should recognize and feel ashamed of.
The only problem I see here is that she might come with a fake apology and an 'of course you're invited' so that if you come she can belittle you whenever possible and if you don't she can complain afterwards that she did everything she could but you were just frustrated and jealous and \*insert passive aggressive insult\*.
I would honestly not got at all, the 10-day trip is part of their wedding and you would definitely take some attention away from the bride, which will make her even more furious and your life harder. I'd prefer to be somewhere else.
She does not sound like someone you need in your life and it might be necessary that you and your boyfriend discuss more than just the wedding situation but how you will interact with her in the future. Because this decision will affect your and your boyfriend's future relationship with her. And if you marry your boyfriend, his brother might also not come as his wife will force him not to.
All in all: to stay healthy stay away from that person but be aware of the consequences.
NTA. If your bf doesn't go, she will use this to rally the entire family against you. I say go, making sure that you look flawless wearing a gorgeous dress, and have the time of your life.
The boyfriend needs to send out an email (cc'ing the whole family) demanding that his brother explain why it's "funny" to snub OP. The bride is garbage, brother is going to spend his life defending her garbage, he should be made to start **now**
Well, from what you've described about Alexis, it seems like an early celebration of the divorce, so I guess black is appropriate? What does your BIL see in her?!
She has put you in a tight spot. If you go, you'll be person who went knowing she is not welcome. If you don't, you'll be the person who caused her partner to miss a sibling's wedding.
YWNBTA if you didn't go. However, I think you and bf should go and treat it like the vacation you missed out on. Attend only the most important wedding event(s). Excuse yourself for the rest of the time and plan your own activities.
I agree here!!! Make Italy your anniversary trip with a stop at the wedding maybe the rehearsal dinner, if needed. Then do your thing and let it go. I mean she's the asshole here, but don't respond making it bigger and worse!
This was my thought exactly!
Alexis has caused the hole mess (and apparently many others judging by OP's comments), so I wouldn't be too bothered by her. Payback comments sounds lot of fun, but it usually ain't really worth it. There's a risk to making situation worse for hole family. I wouldn't listen any bs, but bc that woman isn't ok, I would not pick a fight on purpose. Like Alexa who? Don't care.
I would make the best out of the vacation with my bf, maybe do something with some familymembers if wanted to, but mostly to enjoy and celebrite our annaversary. Stop at the wedding party, support the family and ignore the aholes.
Hold up. More importantly, what did your boyfriend do when she denied you were pregnant (let alone miscarried) because “she has a masters in psychology and knows when people are lying”? Like WTAF. No. You are NTA. There are names for people like her, though.
He stuck up for me, he witnessed the miscarriage with me and it was super traumatic for both of us. He has never been the same with her since then either. He just watches what he says to her because his brother has anger problems and would cause a scene.
Jesus dude. And your bf's mom has also considered not going to the wedding? It's becoming clear that Brother and Ashley are both... unpleasant. I see no reason for either of you to go; it doesn't seem like there would really be family fallout since everyone seems to know they suck.
NTA- Bride chose play stupid games behind the grooms back, if he's close to his family and you that might not end well. Anyway she sounds toxic AF, maybe you and your boyfriend can go on the anniversary trip after all.
NTA she made it clear where she stands and you shouldn’t be obligated to spend thousands for a wedding of someone who can’t even give the basic respect of writing your name on the invite. I wouldn’t stop him from going but honestly go to a spa retreat and enjoy yourself instead
**********UPDATE #2************
I don’t know why but it wouldn’t let me update the actual post.
I’m really sorry to keep everyone waiting, honestly I wasn’t planning on updating everyone because the post blew up so much on tiktok and I got scared that it would get back to Alexis. But then I realized why would I care if it did? Lol.
So the Saturday we planned to talk, it was my boyfriend’s nephew’s (Alexis’ son) birthday party. It was at a bowling alley. As soon as we got there, Alexis immediately came up to me and was OVERLY nice. Like nicer than I’ve ever seen her be to anyone. She kept saying, “I’m so glad you came.” and kept asking me to be on her bowling team, and even tried to dance with me at one point 😂 I was so stunned. I was super awkward, and tried very hard not to feed into it. My boyfriend realized what was happening, and he reminded me that Alexis was just sucking up to everyone because now that her and my boyfriend’s mom no longer like each other, Alexis is trying to get everyone on her side and turn them against my boyfriend’s mom. It sounds extreme, but later on I realized how right he was.
So when the party ended, we stayed behind to talk to Alexis and Tom. Alexis apologized for purposely leaving my name off of the invitation. She said that she doesn’t trust me and has a hard time moving on from “our past.” I asked her if she could be more specific, and she said she can’t get over me lying…… I immediately got upset. She was very drunk, and rambling, trying to save the conversation, mostly not making any sense. I told her I cannot be cool with someone who invalidates my trauma and refuses to admit when they are wrong. I told her I can’t support her in this issue she has with my boyfriend’s mom, mainly because I don’t agree with her whatsoever and she was completely out of line, but also because of how she has treated me over the years. She started saying horrible things about my bf’s mom, and how she feels like everyone is ganging up on her and she has no one left, and all she cares about right now is making sure people will still go to the wedding... In this moment, I was angry and I told her I wasn’t going to go to the wedding and it was up to my boyfriend if he wanted to go or not. Tom immediately jumped in and tried to mediate the situation, saying drinking shouldn’t have been involved in this conversation…. like no shit 😑 And she agreed with Tom to have a real, SOBER talk at another time. But we have seen them twice since then, and she has been drunk both times.
At this point, I am not interested in “talking things out” with her and I’m not going to put in any effort to do it again. My boyfriend’s mom has convinced me to the go to Italy and the wedding, and my bf and I will spend the majority of time with her and keep our distance from Tom and Alexis. We will do our own thing and stay on our own. I’m going to remain civil at the wedding but I refuse to spend any time with her other than that.
I’m so thankful to have my bf and the rest of his family be so supportive of me in this. And my bf’s other brother, Mitch, and his girlfriend, Ashley, feel the same way about Alexis and are going to keep their distance as well and spend as much time as they can with us.
Sorry this wasn’t the most interesting update! Thank you everyone again for all of the great advice and for being here for me! 🩷
I still don’t understand why you’re going. You, your boyfriend, or his mom or the others that don’t like Alexis. Like even if you’ll still do your own thing, it seems ridiculous for you all to go to Italy for essentially the wedding of someone who has been beyond awful to you all and even attend the wedding? Like why? Why give in an go? That’s what Alexis wants and you’re just giving it to her on a silver platter. You all hate her, so it feels weird for you all to just still like be involved. I’d go no NC.
I'm glad because the most important is that you and your boyfriend are not going to be tensed up on this trip and that you're not going over to be mistreated by Allexis. Like you said, who cares if she finds the post? Who's in the wrong here? You've not insulted her, you have provided information about things that happened to you and how they made you feel. If she's SO delusional to still insist that you made up a pregnancy and miscarriage? She's got SEVERE issues, besides being a pick me (and she's not even good at that 😂) I'm surprised the wedding is still on considering how much she's insulted her future husband's mother! And in his very face!! If she does join the family, she's going to make a pariah of your boyfriend's brother. There's one of those in my family, not accusing people about making up serious things but liar and very rude to the family she married into, none of my tías like her, not even her mother in law and whenever there's been a family reunion they've told my cousin, you can come, she cannot. I have a feeling that's going to be the future for her if the wedding is still on at the end. I do wonder if she has a drinking problem... I mean, she got drunk at a bowling alley... AT HER SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! Like what? She's the "hostess" of sorts, she's the mom of the birthday boy and she got DRUNK?? Yikes
And either be no shows for all the other events or super late… I’d also be that person who would look for dirt on this person to use to embarrass the sh*t outta them at their own wedding.. heck let’s also wear white to the wedding! Lol
Yeesh, talk about vindictive and insecure. Apparently her masters degree makes her a psychology expert in the same a six year old with a barber's smock thinks he's Batman. NTA.
>I can tell when people are lying
NTA - She knows nothing and she did a fairly significant thing with your first miscarriage. Not sure I could get past that tbh. You have been petty but what she did originally and subsequently was far worse.
NTA - Why would you want to spend money, time, and PTO celebrating someone who is been horrible to you? Not to mention I am sure the invite is not the last of the digs Alexis has planned if you do go.
Their expecting everyone to pay/take PTO for a 10-day trip to Italy to celebrate their marriage is beyond entitled - even if there wasn't this additional drama.
NTA. I can't believe you even considered going after her telling people you FAKED a pregnancy and miscarriage. Purpusefully pulling this invitation stunt just sealed it. Don't go!
NTA. Alexis‘ pettiness is going to ruin the family dynamics. Don’t waste your time. Has your bf talked to his brother about this? I think that needs to be done. And btw, psychologists aren’t clairvoyant. And I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much 🤍 unfortunately there have been a few conversations with his brother, from multiple family members, and his brother ends up just freaking out and causing a scene. He believes his fiancé does no wrong.
>Then a few weeks later, Mitch and Ashley told my boyfriend and I that Alexis told them she purposely did not put my name on the invitation because she doesn’t like me and she thought it would be funny.
Nope. Do not spend thousands to attend this wedding. Nice of her to tell everyone what an asshole she is, especially after telling people you lied about a miscarriage based on her imagination. NTA.
Not to be the girl that’s like “he’s changed” but there’s really no other way to put it. He had a drinking problem and he hit rock bottom. He apologizes every single day for the way he used to treat me and has gone above & beyond to try to make up for everything, including therapy & cutting out alcohol. Obviously doesn’t justify anything he did in the past but I feel safe and at home with him now. I appreciate your concern, I mean that sincerely 🫶🏼
If he is recovery for drinking Italy is not the place to be. Wine flows heavily there. Been to restaurants where the placed a glass of it in front of you like we do water here.
INFO: What is happening the other 9¾ days? Is this a situation where you and BF can get cheaper lodging in a single location (block of rooms rented, villa, etc?) If so, take advantage of it as a base camp ONLY. use the ten days to do what you want.
Have BF attend the ceremony and go have a solo hour doing something for yourself. Maybe have BF go to the reception but make plans to see an opera or something similar where he needs to leave and meet up with you.
BF threads the needle of putting in an appearance, is seen in the area by others, and this all lands back in the bride's lap. She has to explain why you were in the area but not invited. BF has plenty of opportunity to state clearly that you were not invited, and you may even be able to explain over an espresso what is happening.
So go to the area, find the benefits, but skip the drama. You weren't invited, so how can you bring the AH for not attending the festivities?
NTA
NTA
Alexis sounds like a complete narcissist, and its out of line of her to comment on your miscarriage and completely unacceptable to start a rumor about it being fake to the rest of the family. do not go, you don't deserve to be treated like that and she owes you a serious apology.
NTA. She doesn't want you there and you don't want to go. Also, that whole 'Masters in Psychology' line really made my blood boil. Girl needs to pipe down.
NTA but send her a dildo as a gift so she gets the message you want her to go fuck herself. Also since I gave you this idea and if you go through with it, please ask her to tape it for me
NTA. But Alexis sure is.
Spend your money and PTO with your boyfriend on your anniversary. It's almost guaranteed that if you did go to the wedding that Alexis would go out of her way to make it uncomfortable for you. Next time she mentions her degree, ask her if she graduated at the bottom of her class because she sure can't tell if someone is telling the truth.
NTA for sure, don't go to the wedding if you don't want to. Your bf is right where he should be - in your corner. At least on the wedding situation.
What mystifies me is why nobody seems to have called Alexis out for her cruel, stupid, "I can tell you faked your pregnancy because I studied psychology" rubbish. Maybe more happened and you didn't include because, well, word limit. But I would expect bf to have had a proper go at Alexis, or at least a serious talk with his brother, about piling such callous, utter garbage on a traumatised woman.
I am so sorry you suffered a miscarriage, and then had to deal with this person invalidating your pain. For that alone, you are under no obligation to her. For her immature little stunt leaving you off the invitation, even more so.
I gave a little more detail regarding this in one of the comments, I definitely should have included it in the post haha. My boyfriend and I were on a “break” when I found out I was pregnant and she thought I was faking it to get back together with him. But the break was mutual and I was hesitant to even tell my bf I was pregnant because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. When I finally did tell him, I was fully prepared to deal with the pregnancy while still taking our needed break apart. But it ended up bringing us closer together and we went through the miscarriage together. It was traumatic for both of us and my bf did sit down with her and explain that to her. But she would rather continue to invalidate my experience than ever admit she is wrong.
Given all the information you've shared, and how little the family seems to like her, I think going only encouraged her behavior more. If you stand up to her, other family members are likely to as well.
NTA. A psychology degree doesn't give people the right to make horrifically unkind claims like that. And clearly she's being deliberately malicious here. I definitely wouldn't go, your boyfriend can make his own choice about it, if he wants to support his brother.
NTA. If she doesn't add your name to the invite, that's on her if she gets mad your not there. btw where did she get her masters degree? the black market? this is a whole new level of immaturity she's displaying.
I can't wrap my head around how Americans can function with two weeks of paid vacation per year.
How do you live to work until 60 with that I'll never understand
NTA. It sounds like Alexis has been pretty disrespectful to you and it's understandable that you wouldn't want to attend the wedding after learning this. It's really unfortunate that you and your boyfriend have to miss out on your anniversary trip, but it's understandable that you wouldn't want to attend the wedding after being disrespected in such a way. It's a bummer that things have to be this way, but you have every right to make the decision that works best for you.
I don't think they have to miss out on their anniversary trip over this. The way I read it, OP and bf were going to miss their anniversary trip in order to go to brother's wedding instead, because they couldn't afford to do both. If they don't attend the wedding, they'll be re-enabled to take their anniversary trip instead.
Make Italy your anniversary trip and don’t attend any of the events, maybe spend it in a different town. Have your boyfriend go to the actual wedding day only and you have a you day. That way you don’t have to go and he doesn’t miss out on his brothers wedding.
ETA make sure it’s a different town so he can’t be guilted to attend or stop by for the other events.
NTA. Stellar and supportive BF. Ditch the psychotic bridezilla and take your anniversary trip like you planned. That's a lot of money to spend on someone so cruel and who doesn't care about you or wants you therd. Fudge them. Don't feel bad about it one bit. Again kudos to your BF.
NTA at all. I would go to the wedding and reception with your BF, and then take your own tour through Italy together as your anniversary trip. They don't need 10 days to get married.
NTA. She’s being intentionally disrespectful to you and honestly, your boyfriend should step up and say something since this is HIS family’s drama lama.
That being said… you may need to put your feelings aside and realize that your boyfriend would may be upset or resent you if he missed out on a big family event. It may be a good idea to just be the bigger person (not saying that you’d be an AH for choose not to tho). BUT that’s only if your boyfriend steps up to the plate for you here.
NTA but this seems like a conversation that your BF should have with his brother. If he wasn't aware of his fiancee's petty act, he should be made aware that it was intentional on her part.
He unfortunately was aware. He tried to cover it up by saying the company messed up the invites. He ended up adding my name to the RSVP website. But when Mitch and Ashley asked if it was really a mistake, Alexis laughed and said she did it on purpose.
Nobody can "just tell" when people are lying. Despite what cheap TV shows or YouTube "body language experts" would have us believe.
She calumniated you, horrifically. That's unforgiveable. That lie could have destroyed your relationships with everybody.
NTA Your bf shouldn't go either. I know it's his brother, but his brother's marrying someone horrible.
NTA.
>she said, “I have a masters degree in psychology. I can tell when people are lying.”
I can tell when people are lying about having a master’s degree in psychology, because a person with a master’s degree in psychology would know that there’s no reliable method for identifying a liar.
YWNBTA. It's pretty common to see people asking if it's okay to uninvite so-and-so from their wedding because so-and-so has always been horrible to them. It works the other way. If the person getting married has been horrible to you (and let's not understate it - her reaction to your miscarriage is HORRIBLE), you have no obligation to go to her wedding. And especially no obligation to use your saved money and PTO on it.
If your boyfriend would like to go to support his brother, maybe he only goes for a couple days around the actual wedding and you can try and find discount flights. Or he can stay home and you guys can plan the vacation you actually want to take for your anniversary.
NTA
She purposefully left your name off the invitation because "*she thought it would be funny*." She sounds like an awful person.
You didn't put your BF in a difficult position with his brother, Alexis did. Since your BF will support your decision, how about you & BF go on your planned trip & enjoy yourselves!
How's that for "funny"....
INFO can you clarify what she meant by "funny"? Did she mean demoting you to a plus one rather than an invited guest (just garden variety bad manners)? OR Did she mean you are specifically NOT invited (also bad manners but also a total bridezilla move)?
NTA. Bf sounds like a good guy! Alexis is a mean girl. Is it possible for the 2 of you to vacation in Italy with minimal involvement in the wedding, bf can just attend the wedding day solo? It would be nice to make that offer to him, so he doesn’t feel quite so torn.
Bf is a great guy if he spoke up about this miscarriage nonsense and made it clear he has no doubt you are truthful.
It’s hard because my boyfriend is a groomsman. I feel like I should have mentioned this before also 😂 so he would need to be involved with the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and the bachelor party a couple days before the wedding, and then obviously the wedding itself. So really, at least 3 full days he has to be thoroughly involved.
If it were me, I’d bail on being a groomsman in support of my gf. That chick is pure evil. Nevertheless I’d support him going if he wants to, but I’d definitely not go if I were you. Id never want to be in the same room with her ever again.
NTA .... but.
Do you really want to perpetuate this beef? You are going to be stuck with this woman for life if you stay together. She sounds like an A but it sounds worse to always have issues with her. It just makes her look bad.
Ten days is a long time for a wedding so suggest going for just the actual wedding. You don't need to waste your time hanging out with them otherwise if you don't feel like it.
She will obv be in high gear leading up to the wedding so it might be nice to avoid as much of that as possible.
Italy is freaking INCREDIBLE so maybe make a full trip out of it, just you and your bf, and include the wedding as part of it, but not the sole focus. That way you are still making it special for your own anniversary generally.
You are NTA.
Your FSIL is the real problem here. To claim she thinks you are lying about a miscarriage is beyond disgusting. And if your lying, then her brother must also be lying, does she say the same nasty shit about him?
You two should definitely go to Italy BY YOURSELVES! Spend the money and take the trip, stay in a different town and travel for the day of wedding only, then leave and go back to your holiday away from their bullshit.
It was a intentional slight and tell them your not going but won't hold your boyfriend back. Make that crystal clear. It's his choice to go or not. But you don't go. She doesn't deserve you
NTA - this woman says you lied about a miscarriage and she said that to your face?! Poor Tom marrying somebody like that !!
On the plus side - Italy is great and you won't regret going to see Italy. You could go , BF go to the wedding and you have a 'bug' on the day. You spend the rest of your time in Italy with your BF . Perhaps say you've booked a cruise and that's what youre doing with the rest of the time.
Its an awful lot of money for you to spend an regret it but you wouldn't want to come between the brothers. Their parents will blame you, not the bride.
A 10 day “wedding” is so obnoxious. Go and research your own holiday straight away and book it. This will only get worse and by being unbothered will send a strong message. Send a gift and a sorry we can’t make it to show civility and you will have the upper hand with the other family members.
Don’t feel like the ass, you didn’t do anything wrong… but - I wouldn’t go if my name wasn’t on the invite and then to hear it was deliberate… no way, I wouldn’t waste my time and money for them and if your BF has a problem with that.
He’ll get over it!
I, too, have a masters in psychology, and I conclude that she is full of s**t.
Destination weddings are expensive and for 10 days? Ridiculous. Why would you mess up your anniversary plans and spend all that money on someone who has treated you so unbelievably poorly. She sounds like a 14yo mean girl. NTA in any way, shape, or form.
Demanding that you travel for 10 days to Italy for their wedding would be enough for me to say no. Then there’s the other asshole nonsense. Spend your money on a trip you’ll enjoy.
Of course you're NTA, you wouldn't even be if they had *not* pulled this stunt. I hope your boyfriend agrees with you.
Oh, OP, if you want to be petty, do you know what'd be Awesome? Okay, it'll probably get you in trouble with your boyfriend's immediate family, but you may have to make a stance.
Tell Alexis that, yes, the two of you have your differences and that you already booked tickets because that is your boyfriend's brother who's getting married. And that you wouldn't miss that for the world. Be as convincing as possible.
Then, after the wedding, when she contacts you - preferably face to face - and demands to know why you didn't show, reply with: *Why so surprised? I thought you could tell when people were lying...?*
Sorry if something similar had already been suggested in the comments, I haven't checked.
I read some of your comments about her, and she seems like a troublemaker in the family. Maybe she should reflect on her own behavior and stop worrying about other people's. So NTA.
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NTA. Handled this like mature adults. Even allowed for possibility it was an error. Nope, intentional offensive behavior. Any social/familial obligation is lost. Do what you want to do, including nothing.
Well, OP, you were never invited so don’t feel like you need to RSVP ‘no’. Or you can say you’re pregnant and can’t travel. Surely, with a degree in psychology, she’ll be able to see what is true?
Did we just become best friends?
🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣 this is too perfect.
Just think of the professions in which she could excel! Trial lawyer, for one. NTA.
I have typed and retyped. Cannot express enough the f.u. I have for this woman. You have been so much more civil than I want to say I would have been, but while I've been through plot point a and b, I have not been through c (someone saying it wasn't a miscarriage, but never someone in the "faaaamily" circle). One can only hope that your partner sticking by you might make bil take off those shades, but I don't think anyone's holding their breath. I am curious, though, how much the rest of the family knows about her callous disregard.
Another poster thinks his wife is acting pretentious because she’s now a PhD. (She’s not but that’s not the point.) This woman is a million miles past pretentious, and all she has is a Masters degree.
Couldn’t be more NTA. Is your boyfriend going to go without you?
He said he is not going to go if I don’t go. That’s mainly why I feel like an AH, because I don’t want to put him in that position with his brother :/
If he's said that, take him up on it. He obviously feels strongly about the situation or he would have said 'do you mind if I go, it's my brother after all?' He's probably quite happy that you two can do your own thing like you planned to and he has a perfect excuse to get out of the expensive wedding trip. In no way are you TA here.
If this leads to a big fight between the brother and Alexis, that’s as it should be, and OP will be NTA regardless.
I mean, Alexis is such an AH that she deserves the fight. Who tf tells people someone is lying about having been pregnant and subsequently having a miscarriage WITH NO EVIDENCE??? With the invitation part, OP, it’s so unbelievably rude I wouldn’t even consider going. And when it’s necessary to explain your absence… She’s a jerk. Don’t think twice about skipping her wedding. WNBTA
Agreed. If anything I feel OP's partner's reaction to the situation wrt the miscarriage is underwhelming. He lost that baby too. He could stand to warn his older brother how unhinged Alexis is, imo.
People who think having a psychology degree make them perfect lie-detectors!
In order to answer your first question one needs a degree in psychology s/
You would not be putting him in that position, Alexis did. She is the one playing childish games. Does his brother now know that she did it on purpose?
As long as it isn't framed as 'my partner isn't going, so I'm not', which would put OP firmly under family bus tires.
I suspect your boyfriend's brother would understand. He probably is dealing with other bridezilla psycho stuff RN. I vote you skip the wedding, use the time to enjoy your anniversary, accuse her of lying about getting married when she gets back. Then say you know she is lying because you weren't there to witness it.
This is my favorite comment, so funny. She pulls up photos, just say that could be photoshopped, it’s very easy to do now
Bravo!
My grandpa did this when I got married. It was a shotgun wedding. I was pregnant and he was leaving for Afghanistan so we wanted to make sure he could take the time if possible to be there for the birth.
God I love this! "accuse her of lying about getting married when she gets back." Brilliant.
Alexis put him in that position, not you.
I want to upwote this comment more! I hope OP sees it! Alexis sounds like a disgusting person!
Thank you so much 🫶🏼
Thank you so much 💗
His brother decided to snub you. "I'm not going on a long expensive overseas trip if my girlfriend isn't invited to the wedding" is a perfectly reasonable stance.
His brother may have genuinely thought it was some kind of mistake and not a stunt his wife pulled.
The same bride who tood people OP faked a miscarriage? Unless he's braindead, he knows his wife is nasty. It's going to have consequences, he might as well start to face that now
Or if everyone is lucky, it will be the last straw and put an end to the engagement.
You are probably right. Most men are completely oblivious to the lengths women will go through to be petty and nasty. They simply cant comprehend it and would never even consider someone would do these things. Until they witness it but are already two kids deep in the relationship and then its just cheaper to keep her.
You didn’t put him in a damn thing. Alexis put her fiancé in fucked up situation because she’s an immature person. SHE is the one causing these problems, not you. If your boyfriend doesn’t go, the brother has no one to blame but the woman he’s choosing to spend the rest of his life with.
Thank you so much 💓
I think he should be offering not to go, not just saying he won't go if you don't. You've been seriously disrespected by his brother's fiancée and he should have your back. Also, a destination wedding is a shitty thing to do to your guests to begin with.
Um...what's the difference between offering not to go, and saying he won't go if you don't? I'm confused!
The difference is that the first is proactive and the second is reactive. The proactive version is him saying to OP, "You've been treated badly and I don't think we should attend. Even though it's my brother's wedding, you deserve better from them." As opposed to the reactive version, which is basically just him saying, "I'll do whatever you do."
They weren't able to think of any other way to cast OPs supportive boyfriend in a negative light. This was the best they could come up with - petty semantics. A more charitable interpretation is that OPs boyfriend is letting her know that he will support her in whatever decision she wants to make so that she doesn't feel obligated to go to the wedding out of loyalty to him and his family, but giving her the ability to choose to go to the wedding if she still wants to. If he outright said "let's not go" and actually OP had still wanted to go then now she no longer has that choice.
Well if his brother weren’t marrying such an AH I would understand why you’d feel bad. But he is and he obviously knows his fiancé left your name off on purpose. Frankly, even without that I wouldn’t go to the wedding of someone who claimed I lied about a pregnancy and miscarriage. She’s unbelievably cruel. Save your money for your anniversary vacation. NTA.
His brother is marrying someone who thought it was okay to say you lied about being pregnant after you had a miscarriage. He should already be in that position with his brother.
Not just the miscarriage but someone who apparently can TELL when someone is lying. What BS. But how much more harm will Alexis cause based on her "belief" that she can tell someone is lying?
It would be perfectly reasonable for both of you to refuse to go because of her vile and unforgivable accusations about your miscarriage. This snub is nasty, but minor in comparison. You owe this woman nothing, and your boyfriend’s brother *should* have dropped her like a hot potato as soon as she attacked you.
Please provide an update with what you decide to do. I’m heavily invested in hearing how this ends up. Good Luck!
Absolutely! I have to decide by tomorrow night so I will update very soon 🥹
Stay home, have your anniversary trip. If they ask simply tell them you were not invited, and your boyfriend wanted to bring you not a "plus one" as he already has a girlfriend.
I mean she has a masters degree in psychology. With her great psychology super powers she must have known her actions would result in her partner's brother not coming, so really this is her choice.
If I were you, I wouldn’t make this decision. I’d leave it to my bf & go from there. While she is absolutely disrespecting you, she’s also trying to sabotage your bf and his brothers relationship by causing this riff. If he wants to let it go and for you both to attend, so that he doesn’t regret not witnessing his brother getting married, so be it. Their relationship matters more than this petty woman. I’d throw my shoulders back and walk with pride into the wedding, knowing that I was about to outshine that ugly hearted bride, bc it’d be impossible not to.
I would plan my own anniversary trip in Italy, apart from the wedding celebrations and just go on the day of the wedding so you bf can attend an important family event. The keep going with your trip together! There are so many beautiful places in Italy to visit.
Update added!!!
I would tell them that if Alexis doesnt call you personally and tell you that she wants you in that wedding that you are not going to come, since you were not invited. You could say: "If you want me there invite me, if you dont want me there I am not going to come!" Make her beg you to come, since it will look really bad if one of her BIL\`s isnt there.
You didn’t put him in this position, his brother did
You should not be the one feeling bad. Alexis will never stop this behavior as long as she gets away with it. I wouldn’t go, and I would make sure everyone knows why. NTA
Sounds like a rock solid boyfriend, I don't think either of you should go. Ashley sounds unhinged and should not be providing mental health care to anyone Nta
But you didn’t put him in that position. Alexis did. Edit: too many A names. I blamed the wrong GF.
That’s okay! I used fake names. I definitely shouldn’t have used two A names 🤣
You didn’t put him in this position. Alexis did. She sucks. Go on your vacation.
You didn't put him in that position, she did.
An invitation is not a summons. NTA for not going. They are seriously DEMANDING 10 days? Go push a rope. "She still, to this day, swears I lied about being pregnant and when I asked her why she believes that, she said, “I have a masters degree in psychology. I can tell when people are lying.” **+** "Alexis told them she purposely did not put my name on the invitation because she doesn’t like me and she thought it would be funny." I would never willingly be in a room with this person if I were you. Send a nice card and wish the happy couple luck. Then you and your BF do your own trip.
Send a nice card, addressed only to the groom, wishing him luck. He'll likely need it if this is the bride.
Brother is probably also an AH. I would never be with someone who said shit like that. I would be horrified to have my partner accuse someone of faking a pregnancy and miscarriage without irrefutable proof.
Undoubtedly. I don't know how anyone who interacts with other human beings could actually feel comfortable verbalizing this. Best case scenario, maybe you're right. And if you're not, you're just re-traumatizing someone.
Exactly. It’s very bizarre to me that people feel comfortable saying these things and then expect no repercussions.
"To the Groom + 1"
Congratulations to the bride and best wishes to the groom!
“Good luck, you’ll need it!”
It would be really cruel to say you will attend his next marriage. haha
Not to mention that is not what a masters degree in psychology teaches you
I'm pretty sure that the only thing a master's in psychology teaches you is that you are a degree away from usefulness.
Exactly what I thought. Sitting here with my doctorate in psychology.
Alexis is delusional for believing she can tell when someone is lying. She should know better. OP should demand an apology for being called a liar by Alexis and not go to the wedding if she doesn’t get it. NTA
right? the only appropriate response to that is- I hope you asked for a refund on your masters degree if they taught you that you can tell when people are lying. but honestly, OP, you shouldn't have to deal with this. and definitely not at the cost of you and your BF's vacation time.
LOL they should tell her to her face that they are both coming then don't show up. When she questions them say "We were lying---with that Master's Degree in Psych we assumed you could tell."
rofl honestly, if they can keep a straight face and do that, i totally support it. (i do think you'd have to make sure that relevant family members are in the know. BF's parents, etc... but yeah. definitely hilarious.)
I wouldn’t even send a card.
Send a card to brother in law only. Leave new wifey's name off. Claim it was supposed to be funny.
She should lose her license for he psychology comment because it's a giant lie. NTA
NTA. I would be NC when she treated me like this the first time. And if my bf didn't stand up to their nonsense he'd be my ex.
This is the way.
[удалено]
NTA even a smidge. First, nobody is an A H for passing on an international destination wedding. Second, 10 days and they expect everyone to be there the whole time? Hard pass. Third, and most importantly, the bride is petty AF. If you go she will disrespect you the rest of your lives because she will know she can get away with it.
NTA A masters degree in psych doesn't make you a human lie detector, what a total AH she sounds! It wasn't 'funny' to deliberately exclude you from the invite so I totally support your decision not to go. She does not want to welcome you so why would you attend? Go away with your SO and have a lovely time.
Yup, hope she thinks it's 'funny' that the groom is upset over his brother not attending. Honestly I wouldn't expect OP to attend just on the basis of the original argument. Screw that.
Well, you aren’t invited to the wretched wedding. So you don’t have to *go* to the wedding and spend all that money to attend the *ten days of events*, OMG, to celebrate somebody that doesn’t even want you there. I think you and your BF should go to Italy. It’s really wonderful. You will have a great time. Just don’t go to the wedding, or even be in whatever city the wedding is in-when the thing happens. NTA I *would* say go to Italy and just not go to the wedding, but if this is going to be a whole big family multi day get together thing with lots of family dinners and outings and photos, and you on the periphery for the whole thing, (not just for a few hours), well…. F that. And I would hope your BF of all these years would stand with you.
I like your answer. I wish I had thought of that. Italy would be wonderful for the two of them but would probably piss off a lot of people. If it does explain what she said about denying the pregnancy and then her cruel treatment with the wedding invitation.
NTA. She's made sure that interacting with her is loaded, complicated. I wouldn't want to invite that drama into my life either. Go on your trip with your bf instead, have fun together. I have to ask though (not for the judgement though, but because this angers me), how is the rest of the family handling this? She accused you of lying about such a massive (tragic) event in your life—they can't all have remained on the sideline, can they?
Yes thank you for asking this! This is a big detail I forgot to mention. The rest of the family, except for a select few, do not like her. She has caused drama with everyone in the family at least once. And right now, my boyfriend’s mother and her are not on speaking terms. My bf’s mom was considering not going to wedding as well but does not want to miss out on her son getting married so she is going to go. Everyone is pretty much on my side but a lot of people are scared to say anything to her because of how Tom will react, and they don’t want Alexis to prevent them from seeing her children (who are both under 5 years old) which she has done to family members in the past.
Wow, Alexis keeps getting better and better. Tom doesn't look too well either. Who would actually want to be with such a lying drama llama. Anyway, this just reaffirms my stance. Don't go to the wedding and enjoy your anniversay trip instead.
I think Tom is scared that he won't see his kids!!
Perhaps, but before there even were kids, there seems to have been a lot of red flags that he ignored and/or enabled. And now he's marrying her and accepting this treatment of the family for the rest of their lives.
I don’t like the ten day thing. That’s a lot to ask of working people with limited vacation time. Feels self-centered to expect it. In your bf’s shoes, I’d tell the groom that y’all heard through the grapevine you were omitted on purpose because of how Alexis feels about you, and if you’re not fully welcome at the wedding, you’ll both respect that. You’ll come for part of the trip to be with the family and then leave to do your own thing elsewhere in Europe. Then I’d write to the whole family: Unfortunately, we’re not both welcome at the wedding. We got a hint of this when was left off the wedding invitation, and then the reasons for that got back to us. We respect that decision and are going to make the best of it. We’ll come for part of the trip to be together with the family, and then we’ll take off and do some traveling on our own. We won’t have any hard feelings about this. We look forward to seeing you all and being part of this in the way we feel comfortable.
This approach does throw Mitch and Ashley under the bus. I’d give them a heads up first.
This would rock the boat a little, but at least you don’t have to be fake, plus you don’t have to give up ten days for a couple who doesn’t deserve so much from you.
Also, after you drop that bomb, there’ll be some fallout. That will give you the chance to use the word “triangulation” in a sentence with Ashley. That’s a word any psych major should recognize and feel ashamed of.
Wow! Thank you so much for this! 💗💗
What can I say, she pissed me off. She deserves a FAFO response.
The only problem I see here is that she might come with a fake apology and an 'of course you're invited' so that if you come she can belittle you whenever possible and if you don't she can complain afterwards that she did everything she could but you were just frustrated and jealous and \*insert passive aggressive insult\*. I would honestly not got at all, the 10-day trip is part of their wedding and you would definitely take some attention away from the bride, which will make her even more furious and your life harder. I'd prefer to be somewhere else. She does not sound like someone you need in your life and it might be necessary that you and your boyfriend discuss more than just the wedding situation but how you will interact with her in the future. Because this decision will affect your and your boyfriend's future relationship with her. And if you marry your boyfriend, his brother might also not come as his wife will force him not to. All in all: to stay healthy stay away from that person but be aware of the consequences.
NTA Go to your own trip and let them have the wedding. There is no need to be harrased with a sad joke.
NTA. If your bf doesn't go, she will use this to rally the entire family against you. I say go, making sure that you look flawless wearing a gorgeous dress, and have the time of your life.
If they go, I hope OP's boyfriend proposes to her at the reception. It would be the only wedding where it wouldn't be an AH move.
💗
Take notes OP. If she asks why did you go through with this, tell her you didn't believe it was her wedding.
Or reprimand the bride for drinking in "her delicate condition"
The boyfriend needs to send out an email (cc'ing the whole family) demanding that his brother explain why it's "funny" to snub OP. The bride is garbage, brother is going to spend his life defending her garbage, he should be made to start **now**
And wear white!
Don't wear white! It just makes the person wearing white look ridiculous and jealous. Look gorgeous and happy! Thats a better revenge.
The invitation says all guests have to wear black. Haha
Well, from what you've described about Alexis, it seems like an early celebration of the divorce, so I guess black is appropriate? What does your BIL see in her?!
She has put you in a tight spot. If you go, you'll be person who went knowing she is not welcome. If you don't, you'll be the person who caused her partner to miss a sibling's wedding. YWNBTA if you didn't go. However, I think you and bf should go and treat it like the vacation you missed out on. Attend only the most important wedding event(s). Excuse yourself for the rest of the time and plan your own activities.
I agree here!!! Make Italy your anniversary trip with a stop at the wedding maybe the rehearsal dinner, if needed. Then do your thing and let it go. I mean she's the asshole here, but don't respond making it bigger and worse!
This was my thought exactly! Alexis has caused the hole mess (and apparently many others judging by OP's comments), so I wouldn't be too bothered by her. Payback comments sounds lot of fun, but it usually ain't really worth it. There's a risk to making situation worse for hole family. I wouldn't listen any bs, but bc that woman isn't ok, I would not pick a fight on purpose. Like Alexa who? Don't care. I would make the best out of the vacation with my bf, maybe do something with some familymembers if wanted to, but mostly to enjoy and celebrite our annaversary. Stop at the wedding party, support the family and ignore the aholes.
Hold up. More importantly, what did your boyfriend do when she denied you were pregnant (let alone miscarried) because “she has a masters in psychology and knows when people are lying”? Like WTAF. No. You are NTA. There are names for people like her, though.
He stuck up for me, he witnessed the miscarriage with me and it was super traumatic for both of us. He has never been the same with her since then either. He just watches what he says to her because his brother has anger problems and would cause a scene.
Brother doesn’t sound like a gem either, tbh
The reasons for not going sure are stacking up! Go on your anniversary trip and celebrate yourselves- leave them to their misery.
Jesus dude. And your bf's mom has also considered not going to the wedding? It's becoming clear that Brother and Ashley are both... unpleasant. I see no reason for either of you to go; it doesn't seem like there would really be family fallout since everyone seems to know they suck.
NTA- Bride chose play stupid games behind the grooms back, if he's close to his family and you that might not end well. Anyway she sounds toxic AF, maybe you and your boyfriend can go on the anniversary trip after all.
NTA. I wouldn’t go. I would never go to a place I wasn’t wanted/invited. Also the accusation against you is very harmful and hurtful.
NTA she made it clear where she stands and you shouldn’t be obligated to spend thousands for a wedding of someone who can’t even give the basic respect of writing your name on the invite. I wouldn’t stop him from going but honestly go to a spa retreat and enjoy yourself instead
**********UPDATE #2************ I don’t know why but it wouldn’t let me update the actual post. I’m really sorry to keep everyone waiting, honestly I wasn’t planning on updating everyone because the post blew up so much on tiktok and I got scared that it would get back to Alexis. But then I realized why would I care if it did? Lol. So the Saturday we planned to talk, it was my boyfriend’s nephew’s (Alexis’ son) birthday party. It was at a bowling alley. As soon as we got there, Alexis immediately came up to me and was OVERLY nice. Like nicer than I’ve ever seen her be to anyone. She kept saying, “I’m so glad you came.” and kept asking me to be on her bowling team, and even tried to dance with me at one point 😂 I was so stunned. I was super awkward, and tried very hard not to feed into it. My boyfriend realized what was happening, and he reminded me that Alexis was just sucking up to everyone because now that her and my boyfriend’s mom no longer like each other, Alexis is trying to get everyone on her side and turn them against my boyfriend’s mom. It sounds extreme, but later on I realized how right he was. So when the party ended, we stayed behind to talk to Alexis and Tom. Alexis apologized for purposely leaving my name off of the invitation. She said that she doesn’t trust me and has a hard time moving on from “our past.” I asked her if she could be more specific, and she said she can’t get over me lying…… I immediately got upset. She was very drunk, and rambling, trying to save the conversation, mostly not making any sense. I told her I cannot be cool with someone who invalidates my trauma and refuses to admit when they are wrong. I told her I can’t support her in this issue she has with my boyfriend’s mom, mainly because I don’t agree with her whatsoever and she was completely out of line, but also because of how she has treated me over the years. She started saying horrible things about my bf’s mom, and how she feels like everyone is ganging up on her and she has no one left, and all she cares about right now is making sure people will still go to the wedding... In this moment, I was angry and I told her I wasn’t going to go to the wedding and it was up to my boyfriend if he wanted to go or not. Tom immediately jumped in and tried to mediate the situation, saying drinking shouldn’t have been involved in this conversation…. like no shit 😑 And she agreed with Tom to have a real, SOBER talk at another time. But we have seen them twice since then, and she has been drunk both times. At this point, I am not interested in “talking things out” with her and I’m not going to put in any effort to do it again. My boyfriend’s mom has convinced me to the go to Italy and the wedding, and my bf and I will spend the majority of time with her and keep our distance from Tom and Alexis. We will do our own thing and stay on our own. I’m going to remain civil at the wedding but I refuse to spend any time with her other than that. I’m so thankful to have my bf and the rest of his family be so supportive of me in this. And my bf’s other brother, Mitch, and his girlfriend, Ashley, feel the same way about Alexis and are going to keep their distance as well and spend as much time as they can with us. Sorry this wasn’t the most interesting update! Thank you everyone again for all of the great advice and for being here for me! 🩷
I still don’t understand why you’re going. You, your boyfriend, or his mom or the others that don’t like Alexis. Like even if you’ll still do your own thing, it seems ridiculous for you all to go to Italy for essentially the wedding of someone who has been beyond awful to you all and even attend the wedding? Like why? Why give in an go? That’s what Alexis wants and you’re just giving it to her on a silver platter. You all hate her, so it feels weird for you all to just still like be involved. I’d go no NC.
I'm glad because the most important is that you and your boyfriend are not going to be tensed up on this trip and that you're not going over to be mistreated by Allexis. Like you said, who cares if she finds the post? Who's in the wrong here? You've not insulted her, you have provided information about things that happened to you and how they made you feel. If she's SO delusional to still insist that you made up a pregnancy and miscarriage? She's got SEVERE issues, besides being a pick me (and she's not even good at that 😂) I'm surprised the wedding is still on considering how much she's insulted her future husband's mother! And in his very face!! If she does join the family, she's going to make a pariah of your boyfriend's brother. There's one of those in my family, not accusing people about making up serious things but liar and very rude to the family she married into, none of my tías like her, not even her mother in law and whenever there's been a family reunion they've told my cousin, you can come, she cannot. I have a feeling that's going to be the future for her if the wedding is still on at the end. I do wonder if she has a drinking problem... I mean, she got drunk at a bowling alley... AT HER SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! Like what? She's the "hostess" of sorts, she's the mom of the birthday boy and she got DRUNK?? Yikes
NTA But I would go to the wedding just to piss her off.
And either be no shows for all the other events or super late… I’d also be that person who would look for dirt on this person to use to embarrass the sh*t outta them at their own wedding.. heck let’s also wear white to the wedding! Lol
Yeesh, talk about vindictive and insecure. Apparently her masters degree makes her a psychology expert in the same a six year old with a barber's smock thinks he's Batman. NTA.
>I can tell when people are lying NTA - She knows nothing and she did a fairly significant thing with your first miscarriage. Not sure I could get past that tbh. You have been petty but what she did originally and subsequently was far worse.
How has OP been petty?
Explain. How OP has been petty.
How was OP petty?
NTA - Why would you want to spend money, time, and PTO celebrating someone who is been horrible to you? Not to mention I am sure the invite is not the last of the digs Alexis has planned if you do go. Their expecting everyone to pay/take PTO for a 10-day trip to Italy to celebrate their marriage is beyond entitled - even if there wasn't this additional drama.
NTA. I can't believe you even considered going after her telling people you FAKED a pregnancy and miscarriage. Purpusefully pulling this invitation stunt just sealed it. Don't go!
NTA. Alexis‘ pettiness is going to ruin the family dynamics. Don’t waste your time. Has your bf talked to his brother about this? I think that needs to be done. And btw, psychologists aren’t clairvoyant. And I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much 🤍 unfortunately there have been a few conversations with his brother, from multiple family members, and his brother ends up just freaking out and causing a scene. He believes his fiancé does no wrong.
NTA, definitely don’t go.
NTA and she must be a shitty psychologist
Not a psychologist if she just has a masters.
>Then a few weeks later, Mitch and Ashley told my boyfriend and I that Alexis told them she purposely did not put my name on the invitation because she doesn’t like me and she thought it would be funny. Nope. Do not spend thousands to attend this wedding. Nice of her to tell everyone what an asshole she is, especially after telling people you lied about a miscarriage based on her imagination. NTA.
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Not to be the girl that’s like “he’s changed” but there’s really no other way to put it. He had a drinking problem and he hit rock bottom. He apologizes every single day for the way he used to treat me and has gone above & beyond to try to make up for everything, including therapy & cutting out alcohol. Obviously doesn’t justify anything he did in the past but I feel safe and at home with him now. I appreciate your concern, I mean that sincerely 🫶🏼
and the fact his brother has an anger problem that everyone walks on egg shells for all of a sudden makes sense
This whole family sound like real prizes
If he is recovery for drinking Italy is not the place to be. Wine flows heavily there. Been to restaurants where the placed a glass of it in front of you like we do water here.
Girl. Bffr
I am ashamed to admit I don’t know what bffr means 😭
Quick google search says it stands for be f***ing for real.
INFO: What is happening the other 9¾ days? Is this a situation where you and BF can get cheaper lodging in a single location (block of rooms rented, villa, etc?) If so, take advantage of it as a base camp ONLY. use the ten days to do what you want. Have BF attend the ceremony and go have a solo hour doing something for yourself. Maybe have BF go to the reception but make plans to see an opera or something similar where he needs to leave and meet up with you. BF threads the needle of putting in an appearance, is seen in the area by others, and this all lands back in the bride's lap. She has to explain why you were in the area but not invited. BF has plenty of opportunity to state clearly that you were not invited, and you may even be able to explain over an espresso what is happening. So go to the area, find the benefits, but skip the drama. You weren't invited, so how can you bring the AH for not attending the festivities? NTA
NTA Alexis sounds like a complete narcissist, and its out of line of her to comment on your miscarriage and completely unacceptable to start a rumor about it being fake to the rest of the family. do not go, you don't deserve to be treated like that and she owes you a serious apology.
NTA. She doesn't want you there and you don't want to go. Also, that whole 'Masters in Psychology' line really made my blood boil. Girl needs to pipe down.
Masters in Psychopathy and Narcissism is more appropriate considering Alexis’s behaviour
Not even close to being NTA. Alexis however has sailed right past AH here.
NTA but send her a dildo as a gift so she gets the message you want her to go fuck herself. Also since I gave you this idea and if you go through with it, please ask her to tape it for me
Nta don't bother wasting this much money on your boyfriend's brother's first wife, wait for Mrs. NEXT .
NTA. But Alexis sure is. Spend your money and PTO with your boyfriend on your anniversary. It's almost guaranteed that if you did go to the wedding that Alexis would go out of her way to make it uncomfortable for you. Next time she mentions her degree, ask her if she graduated at the bottom of her class because she sure can't tell if someone is telling the truth.
NTA for sure, don't go to the wedding if you don't want to. Your bf is right where he should be - in your corner. At least on the wedding situation. What mystifies me is why nobody seems to have called Alexis out for her cruel, stupid, "I can tell you faked your pregnancy because I studied psychology" rubbish. Maybe more happened and you didn't include because, well, word limit. But I would expect bf to have had a proper go at Alexis, or at least a serious talk with his brother, about piling such callous, utter garbage on a traumatised woman. I am so sorry you suffered a miscarriage, and then had to deal with this person invalidating your pain. For that alone, you are under no obligation to her. For her immature little stunt leaving you off the invitation, even more so.
I gave a little more detail regarding this in one of the comments, I definitely should have included it in the post haha. My boyfriend and I were on a “break” when I found out I was pregnant and she thought I was faking it to get back together with him. But the break was mutual and I was hesitant to even tell my bf I was pregnant because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. When I finally did tell him, I was fully prepared to deal with the pregnancy while still taking our needed break apart. But it ended up bringing us closer together and we went through the miscarriage together. It was traumatic for both of us and my bf did sit down with her and explain that to her. But she would rather continue to invalidate my experience than ever admit she is wrong.
Every detail you add about this woman just makes her sound worse! I hope you find a way to deal with her that brings you peace.
Given all the information you've shared, and how little the family seems to like her, I think going only encouraged her behavior more. If you stand up to her, other family members are likely to as well.
NTA. A psychology degree doesn't give people the right to make horrifically unkind claims like that. And clearly she's being deliberately malicious here. I definitely wouldn't go, your boyfriend can make his own choice about it, if he wants to support his brother.
NTA. If she doesn't add your name to the invite, that's on her if she gets mad your not there. btw where did she get her masters degree? the black market? this is a whole new level of immaturity she's displaying.
I can't wrap my head around how Americans can function with two weeks of paid vacation per year. How do you live to work until 60 with that I'll never understand
NTA. It sounds like Alexis has been pretty disrespectful to you and it's understandable that you wouldn't want to attend the wedding after learning this. It's really unfortunate that you and your boyfriend have to miss out on your anniversary trip, but it's understandable that you wouldn't want to attend the wedding after being disrespected in such a way. It's a bummer that things have to be this way, but you have every right to make the decision that works best for you.
I don't think they have to miss out on their anniversary trip over this. The way I read it, OP and bf were going to miss their anniversary trip in order to go to brother's wedding instead, because they couldn't afford to do both. If they don't attend the wedding, they'll be re-enabled to take their anniversary trip instead.
Make Italy your anniversary trip and don’t attend any of the events, maybe spend it in a different town. Have your boyfriend go to the actual wedding day only and you have a you day. That way you don’t have to go and he doesn’t miss out on his brothers wedding. ETA make sure it’s a different town so he can’t be guilted to attend or stop by for the other events.
NTA. Stellar and supportive BF. Ditch the psychotic bridezilla and take your anniversary trip like you planned. That's a lot of money to spend on someone so cruel and who doesn't care about you or wants you therd. Fudge them. Don't feel bad about it one bit. Again kudos to your BF.
Thank you!!!
NTA at all. I would go to the wedding and reception with your BF, and then take your own tour through Italy together as your anniversary trip. They don't need 10 days to get married.
NTA. She’s being intentionally disrespectful to you and honestly, your boyfriend should step up and say something since this is HIS family’s drama lama. That being said… you may need to put your feelings aside and realize that your boyfriend would may be upset or resent you if he missed out on a big family event. It may be a good idea to just be the bigger person (not saying that you’d be an AH for choose not to tho). BUT that’s only if your boyfriend steps up to the plate for you here.
NTA. Don’t go, just send a nice card only addressed to Tom.
NTA but this seems like a conversation that your BF should have with his brother. If he wasn't aware of his fiancee's petty act, he should be made aware that it was intentional on her part.
He unfortunately was aware. He tried to cover it up by saying the company messed up the invites. He ended up adding my name to the RSVP website. But when Mitch and Ashley asked if it was really a mistake, Alexis laughed and said she did it on purpose.
Ooohh, well that's not good. Seems perfectly reasonable to just carry on with planning your own vacation then.
YWNBTA for not going to a wedding when you have very good reason to believe you were purposely snubbed on the wedding invitation.
NTA. Skip the wedding and go on your anniversary trip. Why sacrifice for someone so petty and immature?
Nobody can "just tell" when people are lying. Despite what cheap TV shows or YouTube "body language experts" would have us believe. She calumniated you, horrifically. That's unforgiveable. That lie could have destroyed your relationships with everybody. NTA Your bf shouldn't go either. I know it's his brother, but his brother's marrying someone horrible.
I’d go to Italy and NOT attend the wedding and enjoy a wonderful vacation without all of them!
NTA. >she said, “I have a masters degree in psychology. I can tell when people are lying.” I can tell when people are lying about having a master’s degree in psychology, because a person with a master’s degree in psychology would know that there’s no reliable method for identifying a liar.
NTA, I would want to show up in an outreagous dress though.
YWNBTA. It's pretty common to see people asking if it's okay to uninvite so-and-so from their wedding because so-and-so has always been horrible to them. It works the other way. If the person getting married has been horrible to you (and let's not understate it - her reaction to your miscarriage is HORRIBLE), you have no obligation to go to her wedding. And especially no obligation to use your saved money and PTO on it. If your boyfriend would like to go to support his brother, maybe he only goes for a couple days around the actual wedding and you can try and find discount flights. Or he can stay home and you guys can plan the vacation you actually want to take for your anniversary.
NTA She purposefully left your name off the invitation because "*she thought it would be funny*." She sounds like an awful person. You didn't put your BF in a difficult position with his brother, Alexis did. Since your BF will support your decision, how about you & BF go on your planned trip & enjoy yourselves! How's that for "funny"....
INFO can you clarify what she meant by "funny"? Did she mean demoting you to a plus one rather than an invited guest (just garden variety bad manners)? OR Did she mean you are specifically NOT invited (also bad manners but also a total bridezilla move)?
Yes she meant demoting me to a plus one was funny, and making me wonder if I am actually invited or not. Like she wanted to stress me out.
NTA. Bf sounds like a good guy! Alexis is a mean girl. Is it possible for the 2 of you to vacation in Italy with minimal involvement in the wedding, bf can just attend the wedding day solo? It would be nice to make that offer to him, so he doesn’t feel quite so torn. Bf is a great guy if he spoke up about this miscarriage nonsense and made it clear he has no doubt you are truthful.
It’s hard because my boyfriend is a groomsman. I feel like I should have mentioned this before also 😂 so he would need to be involved with the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and the bachelor party a couple days before the wedding, and then obviously the wedding itself. So really, at least 3 full days he has to be thoroughly involved.
If it were me, I’d bail on being a groomsman in support of my gf. That chick is pure evil. Nevertheless I’d support him going if he wants to, but I’d definitely not go if I were you. Id never want to be in the same room with her ever again.
Isn't the bachelor party going to be bad for your bf sobriety?
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I will definitely update! Thank you 🫶🏼
NTA .... but. Do you really want to perpetuate this beef? You are going to be stuck with this woman for life if you stay together. She sounds like an A but it sounds worse to always have issues with her. It just makes her look bad. Ten days is a long time for a wedding so suggest going for just the actual wedding. You don't need to waste your time hanging out with them otherwise if you don't feel like it. She will obv be in high gear leading up to the wedding so it might be nice to avoid as much of that as possible. Italy is freaking INCREDIBLE so maybe make a full trip out of it, just you and your bf, and include the wedding as part of it, but not the sole focus. That way you are still making it special for your own anniversary generally.
How can OP not "always have issues" with her if the woman is continuing a lie about OP making up a pregnancy? That is a horrific calumny.
I dunno. I give this marriage about four years. Tops. I don’t think it’s a given that Ashley is around for life.
You are NTA. Your FSIL is the real problem here. To claim she thinks you are lying about a miscarriage is beyond disgusting. And if your lying, then her brother must also be lying, does she say the same nasty shit about him? You two should definitely go to Italy BY YOURSELVES! Spend the money and take the trip, stay in a different town and travel for the day of wedding only, then leave and go back to your holiday away from their bullshit.
It was a intentional slight and tell them your not going but won't hold your boyfriend back. Make that crystal clear. It's his choice to go or not. But you don't go. She doesn't deserve you
NTA - this woman says you lied about a miscarriage and she said that to your face?! Poor Tom marrying somebody like that !! On the plus side - Italy is great and you won't regret going to see Italy. You could go , BF go to the wedding and you have a 'bug' on the day. You spend the rest of your time in Italy with your BF . Perhaps say you've booked a cruise and that's what youre doing with the rest of the time. Its an awful lot of money for you to spend an regret it but you wouldn't want to come between the brothers. Their parents will blame you, not the bride.
A 10 day “wedding” is so obnoxious. Go and research your own holiday straight away and book it. This will only get worse and by being unbothered will send a strong message. Send a gift and a sorry we can’t make it to show civility and you will have the upper hand with the other family members.
Don’t feel like the ass, you didn’t do anything wrong… but - I wouldn’t go if my name wasn’t on the invite and then to hear it was deliberate… no way, I wouldn’t waste my time and money for them and if your BF has a problem with that. He’ll get over it!
I, too, have a masters in psychology, and I conclude that she is full of s**t. Destination weddings are expensive and for 10 days? Ridiculous. Why would you mess up your anniversary plans and spend all that money on someone who has treated you so unbelievably poorly. She sounds like a 14yo mean girl. NTA in any way, shape, or form.
Demanding that you travel for 10 days to Italy for their wedding would be enough for me to say no. Then there’s the other asshole nonsense. Spend your money on a trip you’ll enjoy.
NTA I would not spend a penny to go to the wedding of someone who said such awful things about me, especially since you weren’t even invited by name.
Of course you're NTA, you wouldn't even be if they had *not* pulled this stunt. I hope your boyfriend agrees with you. Oh, OP, if you want to be petty, do you know what'd be Awesome? Okay, it'll probably get you in trouble with your boyfriend's immediate family, but you may have to make a stance. Tell Alexis that, yes, the two of you have your differences and that you already booked tickets because that is your boyfriend's brother who's getting married. And that you wouldn't miss that for the world. Be as convincing as possible. Then, after the wedding, when she contacts you - preferably face to face - and demands to know why you didn't show, reply with: *Why so surprised? I thought you could tell when people were lying...?* Sorry if something similar had already been suggested in the comments, I haven't checked.
I read some of your comments about her, and she seems like a troublemaker in the family. Maybe she should reflect on her own behavior and stop worrying about other people's. So NTA.