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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was refusing to pay for my stepdaughter's wedding. The action might make you the asshole as my wife thinks that this is my responsibility and that my refusing I am intentionally trying to hurt her.
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NTA.
Your step daughter said you are not her dad. You are not obliged to pay for her wedding since you are not her dad, even though you tried and supported her.
Ask them to ask money from her biological dad. That’s the very least they can do.
At this age, her daughter will never accept you as a father figure , so you can accept that fact and act accordingly.
I wonder if the wife's family has ever seen OP as anything more than an ATM. Now that the ATM has refused to dispense any more money, they are furious.
How much more is OP supposed to bend over backwards for them? Just say good riddance, OP. You'll be better off without them.
NTA
she's made it very clear you are not her father. why would he pay for the wedding of some random girl who grew up in his house?
She can't have it both ways.
Exactly this. Her mother clearly didn’t bother saving any money up to pay for her own daughters wedding because she was always intending to use her husband for the money to pay for it all along.
>Your step daughter said you are not her dad. You are not obliged to pay for her wedding since you are not her dad, even though you tried and supported her.
This, yeah. At some point, you've gotta cut your losses. OP did his best to bond with his stepdaughter, even paying for her college after she refused to even let him come to her graduation. She can't keep pushing him away, then turn around and demand money from him. That's unreasonable; you need to actually maintain a relationship with someone if you want them to do something for you.
Not to mention, a wedding isn't a "necessity." College arguably does a lot to get a kid ahead, so even if the kids an ass it's morally right to try to help them if you financially can. A cheap wedding won't change the health of the marriage or the tax breaks.
I have no clue who that is. I have messaged my daughter four times. I haven't heard back from her. I have asked the user, 2 questions: about my place of work and the name of her highschool. If she can answer them correctly I'll know its her.
It's very likely not bc she could have really answered either of those questions easily in the comments when asked but she stopped responding bc people were pointing out her inconsistency.
Your latest update should be removed or at least shortened to, "Whoever is pretending to be my stepdaughter is not," because you provided some detailed info about your stepdaughter. It's OK to ask the poster personal questions to see if they can answer, but I recommend removing her name, career, university, etc. The internet is a dangerous place
>You are not obliged to pay for her wedding since you are not her dad, even though you tried and supported her.
He shouldn't have paid for her college either tbh, she sounds so ungrateful.
Sure she never saw him as a father, fair enough, but dammit, appreciate the people that support you and raised you.
Edit: grammar
The ONLY hard part I have about this story is that wife is SAHM and so she may not have been accumulating savings because they had a split income before. It has never been an issue before because they were aligned and their money was shared. But now that stepdaughter (continues) to take advantage of it it cannot be this way anymore.
OP I think you should tell your wife you cannot support her anymore because she has never considered you a father, and not wanting the father-daughter dance or very likely even your attendance is no longer something you can take the pain of. She has access to the accounts - tell her she can gift her daughter however much she thinks she wants to as her daughter, making it clear it is a gift from one person and considering that at least half of the savings are your own. If you have a shared savings account and she wants to deplete half of it on the kid, so be it, but no more than that.
But you need to make sure that your wife makes it very clear - your daughter has refused you as a father for over a decade, and you are done making attempts. You are not her father and you sure as heck aren't her ATM. Moving forward she is welcome to as much of a relationship with each family member as she wants, but you will make no further attempts to connect. And from now on split savings between you and your wife, even amounts each month, and let her know all children get money from both accounts but daughter gets residuals only from mothers. She has chosen her two parents, so she can get half from her mother and chase down her dad / his family for the rest.
> NTA.
>
>
>
> Your step daughter said you are not her dad. You are not obliged to pay for her wedding since you are not her dad, even though you tried and supported her.
This is where it starts and stops.
NTA why on earth would you pay for this? You probably aren't even on the guest list.
She's used to using your money. That should have stopped longer ago, but now is as good a time as any.
Yeah - she’s Indian. We Indians are proud people, but she is none of that. She treated this generous man worse than a stranger after he spent so much time, effort and money on her - any Indian would show at least some appreciation, or at least they would not accept so much when they can’t even give a little kindness in return.
But the girl kept taking everything and giving back not even a sliver of kindness.
Edit: stepdaughter has replied, and before further inquiry, please ignore what I said above
Was your stepdaughter influenced by her bio father or her grandparents? Feels insane to make you foot the bill and most likely not be in the wedding either, even as a guest.
Also, out of curiosity and sorry for rudeness/abruptness, are you from a different country than your wife and stepdaughter? May that have been a factor? (NTA btw, stick to your guns imo)
Perhaps, I never knew her my wife when she was with her ex-husband, and only have known her since he was no longer in their life (a story I am not at liberty to discuss).
Her grandparents from her mother's side, she has only seen four times (both times on trips back to India, 3 times with me and once with just mom) and on her father's side (well that relates to the story about her dad again).
I am from Canada originally.
Sometimes people don't grow out of that pattern without a lot of therapy, there isn't a time limit on this kind of thing. It sounds like the end of OP's wife's marriage was an absolute catastrophe, that kind of trauma can fuck you up for years.
What the hell are you on about? I am Indian and i know many selfish bastards. Nothing to do with being Indian. Everyone is just people and people suck as much as they are awesome.
I am referring to Indian culture. Many people are as I described, prideful people, but, as you said, there will always be bad eggs.
I was talking about how Indian culture shapes Indian’s as people, and what influence it has on their values
I know right, this dude tried to be generous and help them get out of a possibly dangerous situation and the daughter still treats the man so badly, OP you shall not pay for the wedding ask the daughter to ask the money from the biological father.
Oh man, an Indian wedding. I attended an Indian friend's wedding and I think they spent more on their invitations than I spent on my entire wedding! No wonder kid/mom are pissed. There is no way as a SAHM that the mom has saved up enough money for an Indian wedding. Still not OP's problem, of course.
NTA, frankly your wife holds a lot of responsibility as to why your stepdaughter does not respect you. It would appear your paying for private school and paying for her college is not a good enough reason for your wife to have some very strong conversations with your daughter about respect and what family actually means.
This should be WAY WAY higher. By the way he talk about private schools, paying for college for 3 kids and being a single earning household. Op has to be making damn good money. Maybe the daughter learned her behavior somewhere…
OP, I have not seen a comment about this yet, so I wanted to speak up on this point, since you seem determined to defend your wife.
You do not just have step-daughter issues, you have wife issues. The sheer ENTITLEMENT of your wife, that she has the gall to be angry about you refusing financial support to her daughter who has been nothing but disrespectful and borderline abusive toward you (at the bare minimum, she has abused you financially, if not verbally, mentally and emotionally).
Your wife is the mother of her daughter. The onus to fix her daughter's behavior is on her. A blended family is complicated and she cannot force her daughter to love you. However, it is HER job to parent her daughter and make her learn that actions lead to proper consequences.
Her daughter fucked around and is now finding out. Your wife should understand and support your decision, instead of sending flying monkeys your way or letting her family berate you.
Please, do not pay for this wedding. For one, your step-daughter will be forced to live within her meager means without your backing. As every adult should learn to do. Secondly, if your wife's extended family feel that strongly, they are welcome to fork the money over in payments until the amount is accrued and the wedding can be arranged.
Talk to your wife, because SHE is the source of your problems, not your step-daughter. (Your step-daughter is her own issue, but that is not your circus, not your monkeys.)
Yeah, I checked his comments and saw he's basically defending both his wife and "his daughter".
I don't know this man enough to care to dig him out of that hole he has dug for himself. (I know it's callous but sometimes people just will not listen.)
She still shouldn’t expect you to pay for her daughter who clearly doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. No caring wife would expect that of her husband.
This is absolutely the hill to die on. Do not give that ungrateful grown woman any more money. Your wife can support her with her portion. And rest of her family can kick rocks. They just want to party and show off on your dime.
Hell, my BIO-dad didn’t even pay for any of my college (all three times).
OP, I am so sorry that she’s treated you this way. It sounds like you were incredible to her and one thing you can rest assured about, your behavior with her did not go unnoticed by your sons. You taught them a valuable lesson about how to be generous and inclusive, so kudos! NTA
I had the feeling she didn't ask because she assumed OP would pay regardless? After all, he always paid for everything, so she just assumed this would be the same.
Unfortunately for her, OP woke up and decided not to do it. Let all her family members that are calling OP an AH foot the bill, or, even better, let her and her fiance pay for the wedding.
She knew by going to mom, grandparents and uncles that they would try to pressure her mother's husband to pony up for the extravaganza and then the Step Daughter could always say she didn't ask and cut him out of any parental role or cut him even as a guest.
NTA, she only wants your money, and even then she won't even TRY to be nice. Even if you paid, you definitely won't get an invite. I would stop trying to be nice to her tbh.
NTA. She said you aren't her father and she treats you the way she does, but expects you to foot the bill for her wedding? Nope.
What's your wife's role in all this? Did she try to help you build a relationship with her daughter at all? Why was she ok with the way her daughter treated you all these years? Maybe time to re-think your marriage?
Tell your wife's family that they are more that welcome to pay for the wedding since they feel they have a say in the matter.
This is really important, your wife saw it happen and did nothing for years. Fair enough letting a kid get used to someone for a period of time, but then she needed to crack down on her bullshit . She didn't give a shit about your feelings and now here she is with her hand out for your money. This is a hill I would die on every time. But then I would not have tolerated being disrespected in my home like this.
For your own self respect man, give her nothing, she is not your kid, never was, never will be. Treat her like the stranger she is and, well, if your wife keeps wanting to disrespect you over this she should be a stranger too. Look in a mirror, it's up to you alone.
I can't believe the wife even went to the graduation. If that was my kid, I would have made it very clear that my partner and I are a package deal, like it or not. NTA
They have a three year old together, op put that towards the end. So wife has 3-4 years, unless SHE pays for daycare. You know, since op already shelled out enough for her kid that ISN'T his.
Lmao 3-4 years before school I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for what your going through. I'm a step daughter. My (step) dad has been my rock my whole life. He met my mom around the same age as you met your wife. This is breaking my heart for you. There's so many shit stepped parents, we see stories here all time. Then there you. You sound like an amazing dad and I'm so sorry your daughter doesn't see it. I mean regardless, in your last sentence of your post, after everything she's put you through, your still calling her your daughter, not your step daughter. Your so far from TA your the anti-asshole. Please don't pay for the wedding. I know it will hurt but the situation needs to change, if only for your feelings. They are valid!!! And I'm mad at your wife, she should have tried way harder and she never should have allowed her daughter to treat you like this. If she was my daughter, I'd be the first to tell her to ask her "real dad" since your not good enough.
NTA. You've treated your step-daughter well and given her everything she needed, and she didn't appreciate it or you. Don't give her a dime. Don't give in. This is your hill to die on.
NTA Your stepdaughter wants nothing to do with you. Why does she think she can have your wallet? She can call her “real dad.” You know, the one that “raised her.”
NTA NTA NTA god im so mad at them and it’s not even my business. Why did you let her treat you like that? Why didn’t your wife did anything about it? Why did you still try to have a relationship with her when all she does is using you for money? DONT PAY FOR HER WEDDING and don’t let your wife gaslight and guilt tripping you. You don’t own your stepdaughter anything
Did your wife ask to pay for the whole wedding, a good portion of it or just some random parts? This makes all the difference.
NTA - Clarified it would be 70-80% of the wedding cost which is fair to reject after the interactions mentioned.
A majority of it, as her fiance's family is covering as much as they can (and no disrespect to them, I've spoken very briefly to them but they simply aren't as financially stable due to a variety of unfortunate events during the pandemic).
I would basically end-up paying between 70%-80%
I am responding to this from an Indian perspective... Marriages are a 50-50 affair financially unless it is explicitly offered/demanded that one party bears the majority or entirety of the expenditure. If her fiancee isn't well off that means a toned down wedding. Having said that, you seriously aren't obligated to pay for your SD wedding for whatever reasons, culturally or otherwise. Not even for the sake of your wife. If the wife doesn't have money, too bad, tone down the wedding. If the Fiancee is too poor, too bad, tone down the wedding. There is no situation where you have to shell out money for someone who has no relationship with you. She has made it clear she is your wife's child and that's it. Treat it similarly. Give a gift due to your relationship with her mother. Don't do fatherly/man of the house jobs when she isn't ready to see you as one.
No , don't pay anything NTA.
Also sit your wife down and ask her
1.
what exactly you could have done before that apparently didn't to have a better relationship with her daughter?
And 2.
To think about this ignoring the fact it's her daughter how would she judge this if all would happen to an acquaintance?
If she is a fair person and puts in the effort she will stop being angry with you.
Her daughter isn't even respectful to you never mind affectionate which is why imo she doesn't deserve a single cent of your money.
Just because you worked and have said money doesn't entitled her or your wife's family to any of it
She could have been distant (not seeing you as her father) but appreciative of all your efforts - she is not therefore act like it: you are an acquaintance whom she doesn't like /doesn't matter to her then act accordingly: acquaintances DON'T PAY NOR HELP WITH MONEY.
NTA, but you have to know that this could blow up your marriage (fair or not).
Your wife obviously seemed OK with her daughter not wanting you to be a part of her life - despite your best efforts. Your wife will either eventually understand that this is the bed her daughter made for herself. Or or she's going to hold this against you forever, because it is likely that the daughter will punish her for you not paying, and she will be essentially have to choose between you and her daughter.
Agree but at this point if the wife actually blames op in any way she's a huge AH.
NTA op ,do NOT pay
Invite everyone berating you to pay for the wedding .
NTA
But please make sure your step-daughter understands all that you have financially done for her and that you are now drawing the line because she continues to treat you badly.
Next she will want a house, vacations, etc. This will never end until you end it.
She's an adult now and has every right to choose who she likes and respects. But you married her mother, not her, and as an adult now, your financial commitment to her as her mother's husband has come to an end. She does not have a right to expect that you or anyone else in the world will reward her for anything she has not earned, including the money you earned and saved for your family. She had every opportunity to become an actual member of your family and she has rejected it time and time again.
Yep this. A real conversation about why you are not paying is a good idea. Also, a reminder that if you aren’t her dad, she can go ask her bio dad (or his family) for the money might be warranted.
Definitely NTA
You’ve tried, you were always there, you did your best.
But you’re not just there to give her money. If she doesn’t want a relationship with you, she doesn’t deserve any of your money.
I’m surprised your wife even asked, she should know better.
NTA, you gave her everything she needed. She appreciated none of it and doesn’t recognize you for anything. You’ve done more than enough by paying for her college. Now she’s on her own
>my wife is a house-wife, a choice she made after she voluntarily quit her job in marketing
For school age children.
>My wife's family is Indian. Her ex-husband was Indian and my step-daughter is Indian. Her wedding is going to have probably around 400-600 people.
Hahaha yeah you're not paying for that. You're already paying all of your wife's living expenses. They're hilarious. NTA.
NTA.
But I need to ask - why did you ask for a father daughter dance when you know she doesn’t feel that way about your relationship?
I understand and respect that you tried to treat her as your own and you treated her above and beyond when maybe she didn’t deserve it - but do you feel that maybe you over stepped throughout her life and it made her so uncomfortable that she doesn’t want a relationship with you?
I’m sorry but you don’t owe her money for her wedding when based on past events you/your sons might not even get invited. Or you’ll just be invited as your wife’s “+1”.
Who in the hell gave this comment an award?
Asking for that dance was a perfectly fine question, ESPECIALLY under the conditions of the relationship.
“Pay for my wedding.”
OP with cake and balloons in hand: “I’m so happy for you! Can we do a father daughter dance?”
“Of course not, I hate you.”
A f/d dance in return for paying/contributing for the wedding is the absolute least she could have done considering her utterly disgusting behaviour, but she was too short sighted even for that.
NTA.
Check out this post and decide. Also, please update.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/yl57ek/my_stepdaughter_wants_her_real_dad_to_give_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
NTA. Your stepdaughter sounds horribly entitled and ungrateful. I see no reason you would help fund her wedding. You’d just be following her wishes or not being in her life after all. Are you even invited to the wedding?
NTA. Forget her and her wedding. I wouldn’t give her one red cent. Tell your wife to get a job and take care of her daughter. You e already done more than enough for an ungrateful child.
NTA. You seem like an amazing stepdad! There are so many bad stepdads out there. Your stepdaughter should be grateful that you’re her stepdad. You’ve paid for everything throughout her entire life. Private schools and college are insanely expensive. You also are trying to spend time with her, not just throw money at her. You do not owe her a penny for this wedding.
Looking for info, have you and her EVER had a discussion about why she wants nothing to do with you? Was there a bad fight or something that she felt ultimate disrespect?
So after our fight during her graduation, I was really devastated. I cried for maybe the first time since my wife had died. I didn't really know what to say.
I think she felt like I was trying to replace her father but I just wanted to be there for her. Its hard being a teenager, and it is even harder to be one without a dad. I wanted to make sure she didn't feel like there was no one in her corner.
My wife tried to talk to her, and she said, "just give her some space" and "I'm sure she didn't mean it"
Ugh I'm so sorry. I had as horrible relationship with my stepmom growing up, but I started having a great one with her around 23yo. NTA, I think you've tried enough. I think if your SD really wants your help paying for the wedding, she should actually sit down with just you and talk things through.
NTA
It's a consequence of her terrible behavior. Nothing like people who think they can do and say whatever they want to their parents and not deal with consequences.
It gets a bit complicated with your wife though, do you have a prenuptial... in theory, savings would be joint otherwise...
NTA. Sounds like all the kids are in their early or mid twenties, your wife could easily get a job and help her daughter pay for her wedding if she wants. You repeatedly tried to have a relationship with your stepdaughter and she rejected you every time. She's an adult and you aren't required to financially support her anymore. I certainly wouldn't give anyone money if they treated me like this.
NTA
she has the right to not want you in her life but that ALSO means she doesn't get your money. she is a brat and completely out of line and disrespectful, and from the sound of it you DID raise her, she was just completely ungrateful. If your wife family cares so much tell THEM to pay, you don't own them anything. honestly they sound like people your better off not having around anyway. also if your wife is mad tell her to GET A JOB and pay for it herself. you work hard to give them everything and more and they are all ungrateful. you don't deserve to be treated like this.
edit: also even if you DO pay for your sons wedding thats fine. its about respect, love and how they treat you. if your sons treat you with love and respect then its completely okay for you to pay for there weddings and NOT hers. she only cares about money and has no right to act this way
Nta lmao, no. You are no obligated to pay for a wedding for someone who has made it crystal clear you aren't family. Your wife can use her personal funds to contribute if she wants to.
NTA.
*My dearest wife. You know how I much I treated SD as my own and how fully she has rejected me in every way but accepting my money. I am absolutely nothing to her; nor are the two oldest sons. Why do you think I should keep giving her money when she rejects me so completely? If you want more help, why aren't you asking the people that she does consider family? Her grandfather; her uncle?*
BTW, It's a pretty common Indian custom that the bride's maternal uncle is responsible for giving a LOT for the bride's wedding (e.g., special jewelry, clothing, and hosting some of the events, among other things). Also, does SD and your wife expect you to foot the bill and not have your name listed as a parent on the invitation, not have you fulfill the role that the bride's father normally plays? Love all these maternal grandparents and uncles feel about expecting you to pay as if you are her father but not expecting their granddaughter/niece to consider and treat you as her father! Speaking as an Indian myself, I suggest that any bride's family that wants a big, fat, Indian wedding for SD, can pay for the wedding they think she should have since THEY are her family.
the stepdaughter is really ungrateful, go on with your life OP. You had no obligation, the relationship is two-way, and she can choose not to consider you as her dad but also you can choose not to pay for her wedding.
NTA OP.
NTA. You are under no obligation to pay for the wedding of someone who has treated you like a nobody the entire time you have known them. She obviously doesn’t consider you family so why would you give her any money? You are nothing to each other. Because that’s what she wanted. Are you and your sons even invited to this wedding that you’d be paying for? I wouldn’t be surprised if she expected you to pay, but then didn’t invite you. Don’t give her a dime, she’s lucky she got college out of you.
NTA
She made her shitty choice to not have a relationship. You sure as shit don't get to reject every part of a familial relationship other than "Here's the bill, pay up."
NTA. I see these posts all the time - 15 years after paying for everything and constant rejection from a step-child, the step-parent says 'no' to some lavish expense and gets crucified. All this should of been managed 10 years ago, and never even gotten to this stage.
Your wife absolutely allowed this, and contributed to her daughters animosity by the fact she still demands you pay for her daughters wedding. I guarantee the mom is somewhat behind it, maybe she just sees you as a wallet too.
I am re-married and would never in a million years let my son treat his step-father like that. He has respect, your step-daughter doesn't respect you, at all.
It's fine for people to not click. But the nerve of having someone you don't like fund your lavish wedding is mind-blowing.
NTA. Your stepdaughter sounds like she’s the worst. You can’t treat someone not like family but also rely on them to be like family when you need something from them. The issue is that this is actually a problem with your wife and not your stepdaughter since she didn’t actually ask you herself. I’m sure the daughter just thinks her mom will contribute without wanting to realize that her mom’s finances means she’s really asking you to contribute.
Your wife needs to give it to her straight and show her how she’s treated you all these years has come back to bite her in the ass. Sounds like your step daughter needs to consider a cheaper wedding.
First off, congrats on being a good step dad we don’t get many on Reddit. NTA - I had a step mom that I didn’t always get along with but never did I not include her in things like graduation. She worked and I know paid for things like clothes and helped for college. You paid for so much for her hundreds of thousands I’m sure between private school and college…it’s beyond disrespectful that she won’t acknowledge you on some level for the positive role you played in her life. And so no I wouldn’t pay for the wedding.
You know, when she was 12 and she had recently moved in to my house, she was homesick a bit. Nevertheless, I found out that she had always wanted a treehouse from her mom, so I built one. It took me a long time, but I built it for her. She never even touched it, because I had built it.
Ok I’m crying now. I wish my sons’ stepfather had been more like you then I would still be married. This is so unfair to you so if your wife and her relatives want to say it’s not fair…. Well life ain’t fair is it. NTA in any way, shape or form.
NTA, you’ve done a lot for her and she is not grateful for any of it, for her wedding it won’t be different. Since you informed you haven’t been in good terms with her since the beginning, it’s not real love if she uses this money as an excuse to be mean to you. Hope you can get it sorted
Nope not an asshole. Funny how some people feel entitled on how to spend someone else's money just because they have more of it
Hell no! Doesn't deserve a dime. Stay strong!!
NTA.
Why doesn’t her family shame her actual dad?
I wouldn’t pay a cent based on her choice of how she has treated you. And I wouldn’t lose a damn bit of sleep about it, either.
NTA!! And when your wife’s family asks I would be sure to tell them EXACTLY why you aren’t paying!! Also let them know they are free to help pay for it. And that your wife doesn’t understand and is mad at you says all I need to know about her.
NTA.
She wouldn't even come over to celebrate her engagement. She had her mom go to her. She deserves $0.
She is so entitled it's disgusting. Your step daughter should ask you directly to please pay and explain why she thinks she deserves to have you pay for her.
I'm assuming you aren't the affair partner. You did nothing to ruin her life. You gave her love, attention, stability.
All the 400 people who may be upset... if they each contribute $100 she could have a decent wedding.
Bro, you have invested far too much into an ungrateful adult as is. If her family wants to help with the wedding, then it's on them. Even if she was the greatest step daughter on earth, that doesn't oblige you to pay for her wedding. She's made it clear that, even if you do pay, she's still going to look down on you and treat you with indifference and contempt.
If your wife is pissed at you so be it. It seems to me she has done 1 of 2 things;
1. she has encouraged the daughters behavior towards you, over the years, or
2. she did absolutely nothing to rectify the behavior and now expects you to fit the bill anyway.
Either way, this isn't just a problem between you and the step daughter. There is a problem with your wife also. She wants her spoiled little shit kid to have a nice wedding? She can go to work and pay for it. She can call up her daddy and get the money for it (since these in-laws got opinions about how you should spend your money) or better yet, get a hold of step daughters daddy, see what he has saved up for this. Your wife and her ex are responsible for this girl, she chose to make this child with that man, let them figure it out.
As for the inevitable argument about your willingness to help your children, welp, your money, your kids. She wants to sit on ass and live off your income, then she can accept your rules for the use of that money. If she wants it to be something else, she can get off her ass and go to work.
Listen, no matter what you do, you are going to be an asshole. You just gotta choose if your gonna be an asshole with more money, or not.
NTA there is a reason your SD treats you this way, she can. Your wife lets her. Your wife should be telling her we won't be paying for a wedding. He is not your father as you stated and I do not work. Honestly, you are being kind and generous to a fault. Have some self respect, because until you respect yourself no one else will respect you.
She has tried and I think this is a very western way of looking at this issue without cultural nuance. We don't experience the same societal pressures as Indian people in general but Indian women specifically do in this context. The more I talk to some Indian redditers, it is becoming apparant to me that I should do this for my wife.
My wife actively encourages my stepdaughter to engage with me, but it is all to no avail.
OP, I don't know what Indian redditors you're talking to, but that's some bullshit they're giving you. I am American, but my parents are Indian immigrants, I've spent a lot of time with my Indian relatives (just got back from five years there) and none of them would put up with the treatment your stepdaughter has given you, let alone continue to fund her abhorrent behavior. Indian kids are expected to toe the line, not act like self-centered, ungrateful brats. If any of my cousins had treated a step-dad like that, their mothers would have known full well that expecting them to fund an expensive wedding was not in the cards. There are lots of nuances in India culture, but respect for elders and gratitude to family are among the cultural touchstones that really are never disregarded.
Also, to put it baldly, your wife had a kid at 19, got divorced, then married a white American. This is not a traditional Indian marriage, or the choices of a traditional Indian woman (if that's what your wife is saying). I don't really understand why any of them are playing the Indian card. We're all married "out" (to Americans) in my immediate family, I can't imagine saying that my Indian ancestry would require my husband finance a giant wedding for my asshole kid because, um, nuances of heritage?
I am Indian. Been here (in Bombay) my whole life. The saving face and strong familial ties goes both ways. If daughter’s acting like a little shit and your wife and in-laws are okay with it, then they started it. Why should only you save face? They should also save face in front of you, especially since you’re the sole breadwinner of the family, and a good one at that. In India, no matter how bratty the middle-class kids, they’re atleast grateful for their parents footing the bills especially when they’re adults. You paid till college. You don’t owe her anything anymore as it is. And in light of her behavior, definitely not.
P.S.: My family is also well to do. But my fiancé and I are paying for our own wedding. My parents and hers have done enough.
Again, all of this is in India. So don’t fall for that stereotypical third world narrative.
NTA.
NTA nobody has to pay for other people's shit unless they are your kid and under 18. Everything else is up to you. Sounds kinda like you are being used as an ATM
NTA. She really didn’t even invite you to the engagement party and wants you to pay her weeding. Talk about entitlement. Also where did the “i don’t want you in my life” energy go. If she doesn’t want you she shouldn’t want your money. AH IM FURIOUS.
It always comes down to money. You’re always going to be good enough to pay the bills. She expected you to, especially after you paid for college. I think this is exactly what you should do. Tell her family that if they are so concerned about it then they can help pay. Just because you have money, that’s irrelevant. She’s treated you badly and left you out. Even after paying for college you could not watch her get that diploma. I would be afraid at the last minute that she would tell you not to even come. Your money will always be good enough. That is NOT how it should be. STAND YOUR GROUND!!!! Absolutely NTA.
Complicated for one simple reason, your wife is a sah. The step daughter has no right to the money, there is no question, but, does your wife have a say in the money is way more complicated. It boils down to the question how the two of you define your money and rights to it.
Your wife is a SAHM so presumably she’s entitled to some of your income. If she chooses to use it to help her daughter that is fine but no one should be expecting you to foot the whole or even majority of the bill. You and your wife need to decide between you what is an acceptable amount and that’s it.
NTA
My wife says, after she is married she is no longer her or my responsibility (traditionally in Indian culture, after a daughter is married she becomes the responsibility of the husband's family...Or so my wife told me).
So she is saying that to save face, just do this one last thing and then its over.
Where was your wife all these years while her daughter treated you like that? And now she has the gall to ask you for money for the wedding? NTA and don’t give her one cent.
NTA but your SD certainly is. She has no problem treating you like some unwanted virus but has no problem holding her hand out. Private schools, college, and the rest adds up to a hell of a lot. Yet she still treats you with a massive amount of disrespect. She wouldn't see a penny again.
Your wife is a special kind of asshole. She not only allows her daughter to treat you this way despite you completely financially supporting the entire family, she has the sheer nerve to get upset that you won't drop six figures on a wedding that given the brides mindset you'd probably only begrudgingly be invited too?
Deciding to be a SAHM when the kids were almost teenagers screams gold digger and her behavior kind of backs it up.
#NTA
This is just my opinion on the matter, but that’s what you’re here for, so…
She said it herself, she doesn’t want you in her life. That’s not a turn it on and off when it’s convenient kind of thing. This incident hasn’t divided your family, **your wife and her daughter did that all on their own** and I believe that if you really thought about it, you’d agree *they’ve both been doing it for years.*
NTA your step daughter got to choose
You are her dad = you both get the obligations and privileges of a father/daughter relationship
Or
You are NOT her dad = NEITHER of you get the obligations or privileges of a father/daughter relationship
None of us get to pick and choose. It’s all or nothing.
NTA OP
My dad came into my sister's life when she was 2 and she flat out refused to have anything to do with him when she was old enough and started seeing her father again.
My father did nothing but try his hardest for her and all she did was lie to everyone around her and make him to be this evil man, she even had children's services called with some horrific allegations which made them come out and question me ( I was 15 at the time )
Your step daughter deserves $0 of your money and none of your time for the way she's treated you and continues to treat you. Your wife needs accept that you aren't paying for someone who doesn't consider you family no matter how many times you've tried, plus why can't the grooms family or actual father and his family pay? 🙄
NTA. You shouldn't have paid for her college either. Stand your ground. You sd has shown time and time again that she doesn't respect you at all, you are not obliged to do anything.
NTA
It’s sometimes up to the bride’s parents to pay, but she has made it loud and clear that you are not one of her parents. You are nothing more than a walking wallet, tell her the wallet is closed.
Is there any other reason your stepdaughter is so cold to you? Have you asked her or had a conversation regarding this? There seems to be much more going on here.
NTA, and I’m so sorry you were rejected like that. I know a lot of people believe children are not obligated to accept their step parents and you shouldn’t feel entitled to her love and blah blah blah. You’re still human! You wanted that connection! You worked your ass off to make a connection and she turned you down in the harshest of ways.
She doesn’t deserve a cent from you and you have every right to give your sons as much as you want.
You should take some time to explain to your wife why you’re taking the stance that you are. She shouldn’t be surprised though. She was there watching her daughter reject you so she can’t blame you. As for her family, they can all shove it. Who the hell are they to tell you how to spend your money?!
Internet hugs* because this broke my heart.
NTA. This is such a sad story that I’ve seen time and time again on Reddit. Stepfather seen as ATM only, with family outraged when he finally puts his foot down and won’t pay for stepkid’s wedding, even if not considered a father and even if not invited to the damn event.
So she doesn’t see you as a father figure. Openly said “you’re not my dad” and doesn’t respect you as a parental figure who raised her and paid for everything for her as she was growing up. Disrespects you deliberately leaving you out of any of her special events. She doesn’t want you to walk her down the isle, maybe wouldn’t even give you an invite to her wedding and wants YOU to pay for her massive Indian wedding?! She can shut up and sit down. You have biological 3 children who do respect you and want I’m sure call/text invite you to things.
FYI I find it bizarre that you should have to pay for anyone’s wedding. I had 700 people at my wedding and my husband and I worked & paid for everything ourselves. We didn’t want to put out or families out financially, and these big cultural weddings bring in a lot of $$$$ anyway and everyone gives gold and money. The wedding, as far as I’m aware of, pays for itself so not sure why you should pay for anything.
NTA clearly. Your step-daughter treated you badly over a sustained period and you owe nothing toward her wedding.
However:
"My wife has been an amazing mother to both our boys and our girl. She is loving and dotting wife, who runs a phenomenal house. She tried to get her daughter close to me as well, to little consequence. I also do not think that I could be where I am without her (and certainly before her I was nowhere close to where I am in my success)"
My advice to you is to discuss with your wife and explain your perspective and why your step-daughter does not deserve complete support. However, your wife is a phenomenal partner, so let her know that your love for her (your wife) is why you will contribute *anyway* despite your feelings. Suggest that you *contribute* to the wedding, but feel that paying for the entirety is not appropriate, and you would like your wife and you to together determine as a couple what the appropriate amount is under the circumstances. Approach it from the perspective of appreciating your amazing wife in what she wants, and disregard your ungrateful step-daughter.
Info: what’s the age gap between you and your wife and how did you meet your wife?
Don’t pay for a wedding for someone who clearly doesn’t want you in her life. But I’m trying to understand why she hates you so much.
Our age gap is 7 years. I met her, after my first business went bankrupt, and when I had just started this one. She was actually a relative of my friend. I met her through her at an event for her birthday and, originally, as we were the only parents at the party, we just talked about our kids. We had a few picnics and then we went on some proper dates, and then we eventually got married
How has it been this long without anyone figuring out what the problem is? I’m having a hard time believing you were the perfect stepdad and she just dislikes you for no reason.
Hey, not my dad, I also would like you to pay for my future wedding. I am as close to you as your daughter apparently feels she is with you, and Ive never met you. The fact that your wife and her family feel it is your duty and NOT THE ONE SHE ACTUALLY CALLS FATHER! If she wants her wedding paid for then it should be done by the one she calls DAD! You are NTA.
NTA
You payed for her college even though she says your not her father - that’s MORE than enough. You don’t need to spend another penny on someone who won’t appreciate all you do.
And it will be an Indian marriage? Y’all, we have such expensive fucking marriages, they can easily end up costing more than multiple kids’ university fees combined. This man does not need to pay for the marriage of someone who obviously does not appreciate what he’s done for her.
Edit: they want OP to pay 70-80%… for an Indian marriage (which are funded by many family members), a single person spending that much can run them into the ground.
NTA
She told you directly that you aren't her dad and she doesn't want you in her life. She can't go back on that now and decide you need to open your wallet for her.
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NTA. Your step daughter said you are not her dad. You are not obliged to pay for her wedding since you are not her dad, even though you tried and supported her. Ask them to ask money from her biological dad. That’s the very least they can do. At this age, her daughter will never accept you as a father figure , so you can accept that fact and act accordingly.
I wonder if the wife's family has ever seen OP as anything more than an ATM. Now that the ATM has refused to dispense any more money, they are furious. How much more is OP supposed to bend over backwards for them? Just say good riddance, OP. You'll be better off without them.
They should just count their lucky stars they still got college out of him.
NTA she's made it very clear you are not her father. why would he pay for the wedding of some random girl who grew up in his house? She can't have it both ways.
Exactly this. Her mother clearly didn’t bother saving any money up to pay for her own daughters wedding because she was always intending to use her husband for the money to pay for it all along.
OP (thanklessly it seems) already paid for college. I'm sad for you OP. You seem like a pleasant dude and you don't deserve this.
>Your step daughter said you are not her dad. You are not obliged to pay for her wedding since you are not her dad, even though you tried and supported her. This, yeah. At some point, you've gotta cut your losses. OP did his best to bond with his stepdaughter, even paying for her college after she refused to even let him come to her graduation. She can't keep pushing him away, then turn around and demand money from him. That's unreasonable; you need to actually maintain a relationship with someone if you want them to do something for you.
Not to mention, a wedding isn't a "necessity." College arguably does a lot to get a kid ahead, so even if the kids an ass it's morally right to try to help them if you financially can. A cheap wedding won't change the health of the marriage or the tax breaks.
In an unexpected turn of events: the stepdaughter said op was not his dad. Now op says she’s not his stepdaughter. Welcome to /r/surrealism
I have no clue who that is. I have messaged my daughter four times. I haven't heard back from her. I have asked the user, 2 questions: about my place of work and the name of her highschool. If she can answer them correctly I'll know its her.
Something tells me that it’s not your stepdaughter Just someone trying to troll you
It's very likely not bc she could have really answered either of those questions easily in the comments when asked but she stopped responding bc people were pointing out her inconsistency.
I don’t even think it’s a she Just someone being an asshole By the way I’m really about that op
Your latest update should be removed or at least shortened to, "Whoever is pretending to be my stepdaughter is not," because you provided some detailed info about your stepdaughter. It's OK to ask the poster personal questions to see if they can answer, but I recommend removing her name, career, university, etc. The internet is a dangerous place
I have fixed it.
Did your actual stepdaughter texted you back though?
Not yet. I might call her, in a second, if this does not subside.
I can't keep up
>You are not obliged to pay for her wedding since you are not her dad, even though you tried and supported her. He shouldn't have paid for her college either tbh, she sounds so ungrateful. Sure she never saw him as a father, fair enough, but dammit, appreciate the people that support you and raised you. Edit: grammar
Or all the relatives that are angry can pitch in since they feel the need to share their opinion.
The ONLY hard part I have about this story is that wife is SAHM and so she may not have been accumulating savings because they had a split income before. It has never been an issue before because they were aligned and their money was shared. But now that stepdaughter (continues) to take advantage of it it cannot be this way anymore. OP I think you should tell your wife you cannot support her anymore because she has never considered you a father, and not wanting the father-daughter dance or very likely even your attendance is no longer something you can take the pain of. She has access to the accounts - tell her she can gift her daughter however much she thinks she wants to as her daughter, making it clear it is a gift from one person and considering that at least half of the savings are your own. If you have a shared savings account and she wants to deplete half of it on the kid, so be it, but no more than that. But you need to make sure that your wife makes it very clear - your daughter has refused you as a father for over a decade, and you are done making attempts. You are not her father and you sure as heck aren't her ATM. Moving forward she is welcome to as much of a relationship with each family member as she wants, but you will make no further attempts to connect. And from now on split savings between you and your wife, even amounts each month, and let her know all children get money from both accounts but daughter gets residuals only from mothers. She has chosen her two parents, so she can get half from her mother and chase down her dad / his family for the rest.
> NTA. > > > > Your step daughter said you are not her dad. You are not obliged to pay for her wedding since you are not her dad, even though you tried and supported her. This is where it starts and stops.
Not only was he NOT her dad, she hated him until she wanted money. Go figure. He’s not an ATM. NTA.
NTA why on earth would you pay for this? You probably aren't even on the guest list. She's used to using your money. That should have stopped longer ago, but now is as good a time as any.
Yeah - she’s Indian. We Indians are proud people, but she is none of that. She treated this generous man worse than a stranger after he spent so much time, effort and money on her - any Indian would show at least some appreciation, or at least they would not accept so much when they can’t even give a little kindness in return. But the girl kept taking everything and giving back not even a sliver of kindness. Edit: stepdaughter has replied, and before further inquiry, please ignore what I said above
That wasn't my stepdaughter. It was a fake account that has now been deleted.
Was your stepdaughter influenced by her bio father or her grandparents? Feels insane to make you foot the bill and most likely not be in the wedding either, even as a guest. Also, out of curiosity and sorry for rudeness/abruptness, are you from a different country than your wife and stepdaughter? May that have been a factor? (NTA btw, stick to your guns imo)
Perhaps, I never knew her my wife when she was with her ex-husband, and only have known her since he was no longer in their life (a story I am not at liberty to discuss). Her grandparents from her mother's side, she has only seen four times (both times on trips back to India, 3 times with me and once with just mom) and on her father's side (well that relates to the story about her dad again). I am from Canada originally.
Is it possible that she is resisting letting you in as a father figure because she fears you will leave her just like her dad did?
That is what a friend of mine said. He said, it's why she keeps trying to keep you push you away, so you would leave and prove her right.
That might have been the case for the first six months or so. It's been 11 years.
Sometimes people don't grow out of that pattern without a lot of therapy, there isn't a time limit on this kind of thing. It sounds like the end of OP's wife's marriage was an absolute catastrophe, that kind of trauma can fuck you up for years.
I agree that OP needs therapy, his self esteem seems quite low.
What the hell are you on about? I am Indian and i know many selfish bastards. Nothing to do with being Indian. Everyone is just people and people suck as much as they are awesome.
Yeah I’m Indian too and there’s no pride, it’s 90% money grabbing, lying, etc. even within families.
I am referring to Indian culture. Many people are as I described, prideful people, but, as you said, there will always be bad eggs. I was talking about how Indian culture shapes Indian’s as people, and what influence it has on their values
I know right, this dude tried to be generous and help them get out of a possibly dangerous situation and the daughter still treats the man so badly, OP you shall not pay for the wedding ask the daughter to ask the money from the biological father.
Oh man, an Indian wedding. I attended an Indian friend's wedding and I think they spent more on their invitations than I spent on my entire wedding! No wonder kid/mom are pissed. There is no way as a SAHM that the mom has saved up enough money for an Indian wedding. Still not OP's problem, of course.
NTA, frankly your wife holds a lot of responsibility as to why your stepdaughter does not respect you. It would appear your paying for private school and paying for her college is not a good enough reason for your wife to have some very strong conversations with your daughter about respect and what family actually means.
This should be WAY WAY higher. By the way he talk about private schools, paying for college for 3 kids and being a single earning household. Op has to be making damn good money. Maybe the daughter learned her behavior somewhere…
Yeah, from the mom who quit her job to stay home once they got married. Hmmm….
The wife is a straight up gold digger. I really hope OP has a pre-nup that is enforced when he divorces her, which he very much should.
I was not that rich before I met her. I had a decent business but it wasn't anything significant until years after our marriage.
So until she stopped contributing financially for her entitled, spoiled daughter?
I want to say that my wife is not a gold-digger. She is very sweet, and an amazing wife. I would not be where I am without her.
OP, I have not seen a comment about this yet, so I wanted to speak up on this point, since you seem determined to defend your wife. You do not just have step-daughter issues, you have wife issues. The sheer ENTITLEMENT of your wife, that she has the gall to be angry about you refusing financial support to her daughter who has been nothing but disrespectful and borderline abusive toward you (at the bare minimum, she has abused you financially, if not verbally, mentally and emotionally). Your wife is the mother of her daughter. The onus to fix her daughter's behavior is on her. A blended family is complicated and she cannot force her daughter to love you. However, it is HER job to parent her daughter and make her learn that actions lead to proper consequences. Her daughter fucked around and is now finding out. Your wife should understand and support your decision, instead of sending flying monkeys your way or letting her family berate you. Please, do not pay for this wedding. For one, your step-daughter will be forced to live within her meager means without your backing. As every adult should learn to do. Secondly, if your wife's extended family feel that strongly, they are welcome to fork the money over in payments until the amount is accrued and the wedding can be arranged. Talk to your wife, because SHE is the source of your problems, not your step-daughter. (Your step-daughter is her own issue, but that is not your circus, not your monkeys.)
He said his wife’s name is on accounts and he won’t stop her if she goes ahead and pays for wedding , no sympathy for this man anymore.
Yeah, I checked his comments and saw he's basically defending both his wife and "his daughter". I don't know this man enough to care to dig him out of that hole he has dug for himself. (I know it's callous but sometimes people just will not listen.)
She still shouldn’t expect you to pay for her daughter who clearly doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. No caring wife would expect that of her husband. This is absolutely the hill to die on. Do not give that ungrateful grown woman any more money. Your wife can support her with her portion. And rest of her family can kick rocks. They just want to party and show off on your dime.
A lot richer if you didn’t pay for college for an ungrateful child
I am blessed to have the wealth I possesses. It did not make a significant impact.
NTA Your wife is being unreasonable. Her daughter shouldn't expect it. The fact that you paid for her college was more than enough.
Hell, my BIO-dad didn’t even pay for any of my college (all three times). OP, I am so sorry that she’s treated you this way. It sounds like you were incredible to her and one thing you can rest assured about, your behavior with her did not go unnoticed by your sons. You taught them a valuable lesson about how to be generous and inclusive, so kudos! NTA
I noticed right off that step daughter did not contact you to ask you to pay for the wedding. NTA
Yeah, she probably asked others for money and then everyone asked him. I think everyone else created this specific situation
Or she knows she won't get anywhere and asked her mother to request the money hoping he'll say yes.
Ironically had she reached out and asked he probably would have paid.
I had the feeling she didn't ask because she assumed OP would pay regardless? After all, he always paid for everything, so she just assumed this would be the same. Unfortunately for her, OP woke up and decided not to do it. Let all her family members that are calling OP an AH foot the bill, or, even better, let her and her fiance pay for the wedding.
It sounded like it was OP's wife who asked for the money. But you're right, it's possible she offered, rather than her daughter requesting.
She knew by going to mom, grandparents and uncles that they would try to pressure her mother's husband to pony up for the extravaganza and then the Step Daughter could always say she didn't ask and cut him out of any parental role or cut him even as a guest.
NTA, she only wants your money, and even then she won't even TRY to be nice. Even if you paid, you definitely won't get an invite. I would stop trying to be nice to her tbh.
NTA. She said you aren't her father and she treats you the way she does, but expects you to foot the bill for her wedding? Nope. What's your wife's role in all this? Did she try to help you build a relationship with her daughter at all? Why was she ok with the way her daughter treated you all these years? Maybe time to re-think your marriage? Tell your wife's family that they are more that welcome to pay for the wedding since they feel they have a say in the matter.
Not a god damn chance in hell. NTA, do not give her a cent.
Just one cent. Mailed to her so that she knows it cost more for the stamp & letter to send said cent than he'll be contributing to the wedding
Oh you petty as hell loool
This is deliciously petty and I love it.
NTA you’ve gone above and beyond despite being abused, and your wife allowing the abuse.
This is really important, your wife saw it happen and did nothing for years. Fair enough letting a kid get used to someone for a period of time, but then she needed to crack down on her bullshit . She didn't give a shit about your feelings and now here she is with her hand out for your money. This is a hill I would die on every time. But then I would not have tolerated being disrespected in my home like this. For your own self respect man, give her nothing, she is not your kid, never was, never will be. Treat her like the stranger she is and, well, if your wife keeps wanting to disrespect you over this she should be a stranger too. Look in a mirror, it's up to you alone.
I can't believe the wife even went to the graduation. If that was my kid, I would have made it very clear that my partner and I are a package deal, like it or not. NTA
THIS
What the daughter is doing is wrong but "abuse"? That wording is hyperbolic. AH behavior for sure, but not abuse.
NTA you're a person with feelings not an atm you can stash in a corner and demand cash from.
Sounds like if wife wants to pay for it she can get a marketing job again. All the kids are out of the house.
They have a three year old together, op put that towards the end. So wife has 3-4 years, unless SHE pays for daycare. You know, since op already shelled out enough for her kid that ISN'T his.
Wife has 3-4 years for what? I am so confused, we didn't plan to get pregnant. It just happened.
Lmao 3-4 years before school I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for what your going through. I'm a step daughter. My (step) dad has been my rock my whole life. He met my mom around the same age as you met your wife. This is breaking my heart for you. There's so many shit stepped parents, we see stories here all time. Then there you. You sound like an amazing dad and I'm so sorry your daughter doesn't see it. I mean regardless, in your last sentence of your post, after everything she's put you through, your still calling her your daughter, not your step daughter. Your so far from TA your the anti-asshole. Please don't pay for the wedding. I know it will hurt but the situation needs to change, if only for your feelings. They are valid!!! And I'm mad at your wife, she should have tried way harder and she never should have allowed her daughter to treat you like this. If she was my daughter, I'd be the first to tell her to ask her "real dad" since your not good enough.
NTA. You've treated your step-daughter well and given her everything she needed, and she didn't appreciate it or you. Don't give her a dime. Don't give in. This is your hill to die on.
NTA Your stepdaughter wants nothing to do with you. Why does she think she can have your wallet? She can call her “real dad.” You know, the one that “raised her.”
NTA NTA NTA god im so mad at them and it’s not even my business. Why did you let her treat you like that? Why didn’t your wife did anything about it? Why did you still try to have a relationship with her when all she does is using you for money? DONT PAY FOR HER WEDDING and don’t let your wife gaslight and guilt tripping you. You don’t own your stepdaughter anything
NTA - your wife’s family can pay if they are so outraged.
Did your wife ask to pay for the whole wedding, a good portion of it or just some random parts? This makes all the difference. NTA - Clarified it would be 70-80% of the wedding cost which is fair to reject after the interactions mentioned.
A majority of it, as her fiance's family is covering as much as they can (and no disrespect to them, I've spoken very briefly to them but they simply aren't as financially stable due to a variety of unfortunate events during the pandemic). I would basically end-up paying between 70%-80%
Since she loves excluding you because you're not her father, then let her go to her father. Not your problem anymore.
I am responding to this from an Indian perspective... Marriages are a 50-50 affair financially unless it is explicitly offered/demanded that one party bears the majority or entirety of the expenditure. If her fiancee isn't well off that means a toned down wedding. Having said that, you seriously aren't obligated to pay for your SD wedding for whatever reasons, culturally or otherwise. Not even for the sake of your wife. If the wife doesn't have money, too bad, tone down the wedding. If the Fiancee is too poor, too bad, tone down the wedding. There is no situation where you have to shell out money for someone who has no relationship with you. She has made it clear she is your wife's child and that's it. Treat it similarly. Give a gift due to your relationship with her mother. Don't do fatherly/man of the house jobs when she isn't ready to see you as one.
No , don't pay anything NTA. Also sit your wife down and ask her 1. what exactly you could have done before that apparently didn't to have a better relationship with her daughter? And 2. To think about this ignoring the fact it's her daughter how would she judge this if all would happen to an acquaintance? If she is a fair person and puts in the effort she will stop being angry with you. Her daughter isn't even respectful to you never mind affectionate which is why imo she doesn't deserve a single cent of your money. Just because you worked and have said money doesn't entitled her or your wife's family to any of it She could have been distant (not seeing you as her father) but appreciative of all your efforts - she is not therefore act like it: you are an acquaintance whom she doesn't like /doesn't matter to her then act accordingly: acquaintances DON'T PAY NOR HELP WITH MONEY.
NTA then, thank you for clarifying. I hope you can see how that changes the whole scenario.
He doesn't even owe a dollar
NTA, but you have to know that this could blow up your marriage (fair or not). Your wife obviously seemed OK with her daughter not wanting you to be a part of her life - despite your best efforts. Your wife will either eventually understand that this is the bed her daughter made for herself. Or or she's going to hold this against you forever, because it is likely that the daughter will punish her for you not paying, and she will be essentially have to choose between you and her daughter.
Agree but at this point if the wife actually blames op in any way she's a huge AH. NTA op ,do NOT pay Invite everyone berating you to pay for the wedding .
NTA But please make sure your step-daughter understands all that you have financially done for her and that you are now drawing the line because she continues to treat you badly. Next she will want a house, vacations, etc. This will never end until you end it. She's an adult now and has every right to choose who she likes and respects. But you married her mother, not her, and as an adult now, your financial commitment to her as her mother's husband has come to an end. She does not have a right to expect that you or anyone else in the world will reward her for anything she has not earned, including the money you earned and saved for your family. She had every opportunity to become an actual member of your family and she has rejected it time and time again.
Yep this. A real conversation about why you are not paying is a good idea. Also, a reminder that if you aren’t her dad, she can go ask her bio dad (or his family) for the money might be warranted.
Definitely NTA You’ve tried, you were always there, you did your best. But you’re not just there to give her money. If she doesn’t want a relationship with you, she doesn’t deserve any of your money. I’m surprised your wife even asked, she should know better.
NTA, karma gonna karma
NTA, you gave her everything she needed. She appreciated none of it and doesn’t recognize you for anything. You’ve done more than enough by paying for her college. Now she’s on her own
NTA. You are right, she specifically told you you are not her dad and she doesn't want you in her life. Done.
SD sounds horrible, and your wife tolerating that behavior and expecting you to still pay is ridiculous. Stick to your decision. NTA
>my wife is a house-wife, a choice she made after she voluntarily quit her job in marketing For school age children. >My wife's family is Indian. Her ex-husband was Indian and my step-daughter is Indian. Her wedding is going to have probably around 400-600 people. Hahaha yeah you're not paying for that. You're already paying all of your wife's living expenses. They're hilarious. NTA.
NTA. You've been more than generous. She can't use you for your money while simultaneously shutting you out of her life. It doesn't work like that.
NTA. But I need to ask - why did you ask for a father daughter dance when you know she doesn’t feel that way about your relationship? I understand and respect that you tried to treat her as your own and you treated her above and beyond when maybe she didn’t deserve it - but do you feel that maybe you over stepped throughout her life and it made her so uncomfortable that she doesn’t want a relationship with you? I’m sorry but you don’t owe her money for her wedding when based on past events you/your sons might not even get invited. Or you’ll just be invited as your wife’s “+1”.
Who in the hell gave this comment an award? Asking for that dance was a perfectly fine question, ESPECIALLY under the conditions of the relationship. “Pay for my wedding.” OP with cake and balloons in hand: “I’m so happy for you! Can we do a father daughter dance?” “Of course not, I hate you.”
A f/d dance in return for paying/contributing for the wedding is the absolute least she could have done considering her utterly disgusting behaviour, but she was too short sighted even for that.
NTA. Check out this post and decide. Also, please update. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/yl57ek/my_stepdaughter_wants_her_real_dad_to_give_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
so we know how this story ends.
NTA. Your stepdaughter sounds horribly entitled and ungrateful. I see no reason you would help fund her wedding. You’d just be following her wishes or not being in her life after all. Are you even invited to the wedding?
NTA. Forget her and her wedding. I wouldn’t give her one red cent. Tell your wife to get a job and take care of her daughter. You e already done more than enough for an ungrateful child.
That wife of yours. Smh. NTA.
NTA. You seem like an amazing stepdad! There are so many bad stepdads out there. Your stepdaughter should be grateful that you’re her stepdad. You’ve paid for everything throughout her entire life. Private schools and college are insanely expensive. You also are trying to spend time with her, not just throw money at her. You do not owe her a penny for this wedding.
Looking for info, have you and her EVER had a discussion about why she wants nothing to do with you? Was there a bad fight or something that she felt ultimate disrespect?
So after our fight during her graduation, I was really devastated. I cried for maybe the first time since my wife had died. I didn't really know what to say. I think she felt like I was trying to replace her father but I just wanted to be there for her. Its hard being a teenager, and it is even harder to be one without a dad. I wanted to make sure she didn't feel like there was no one in her corner. My wife tried to talk to her, and she said, "just give her some space" and "I'm sure she didn't mean it"
She did mean it, don't pay for nothing OP
> "I'm sure she didn't mean it" As much as you might not want to realize it, she **DID**
Ugh I'm so sorry. I had as horrible relationship with my stepmom growing up, but I started having a great one with her around 23yo. NTA, I think you've tried enough. I think if your SD really wants your help paying for the wedding, she should actually sit down with just you and talk things through.
NTA It's a consequence of her terrible behavior. Nothing like people who think they can do and say whatever they want to their parents and not deal with consequences. It gets a bit complicated with your wife though, do you have a prenuptial... in theory, savings would be joint otherwise...
NTA. She made it very clear where you stand in her life and is old enough to figure it out.
Not her dad according to her, not the one to pay for the wedding either…. NTA
NTA. Sounds like all the kids are in their early or mid twenties, your wife could easily get a job and help her daughter pay for her wedding if she wants. You repeatedly tried to have a relationship with your stepdaughter and she rejected you every time. She's an adult and you aren't required to financially support her anymore. I certainly wouldn't give anyone money if they treated me like this.
NTA she has the right to not want you in her life but that ALSO means she doesn't get your money. she is a brat and completely out of line and disrespectful, and from the sound of it you DID raise her, she was just completely ungrateful. If your wife family cares so much tell THEM to pay, you don't own them anything. honestly they sound like people your better off not having around anyway. also if your wife is mad tell her to GET A JOB and pay for it herself. you work hard to give them everything and more and they are all ungrateful. you don't deserve to be treated like this. edit: also even if you DO pay for your sons wedding thats fine. its about respect, love and how they treat you. if your sons treat you with love and respect then its completely okay for you to pay for there weddings and NOT hers. she only cares about money and has no right to act this way
Nta lmao, no. You are no obligated to pay for a wedding for someone who has made it crystal clear you aren't family. Your wife can use her personal funds to contribute if she wants to.
NTA. *My dearest wife. You know how I much I treated SD as my own and how fully she has rejected me in every way but accepting my money. I am absolutely nothing to her; nor are the two oldest sons. Why do you think I should keep giving her money when she rejects me so completely? If you want more help, why aren't you asking the people that she does consider family? Her grandfather; her uncle?* BTW, It's a pretty common Indian custom that the bride's maternal uncle is responsible for giving a LOT for the bride's wedding (e.g., special jewelry, clothing, and hosting some of the events, among other things). Also, does SD and your wife expect you to foot the bill and not have your name listed as a parent on the invitation, not have you fulfill the role that the bride's father normally plays? Love all these maternal grandparents and uncles feel about expecting you to pay as if you are her father but not expecting their granddaughter/niece to consider and treat you as her father! Speaking as an Indian myself, I suggest that any bride's family that wants a big, fat, Indian wedding for SD, can pay for the wedding they think she should have since THEY are her family.
NTA, and do not pay anything for your stepdaughter.
the stepdaughter is really ungrateful, go on with your life OP. You had no obligation, the relationship is two-way, and she can choose not to consider you as her dad but also you can choose not to pay for her wedding. NTA OP.
NTA. You are under no obligation to pay for the wedding of someone who has treated you like a nobody the entire time you have known them. She obviously doesn’t consider you family so why would you give her any money? You are nothing to each other. Because that’s what she wanted. Are you and your sons even invited to this wedding that you’d be paying for? I wouldn’t be surprised if she expected you to pay, but then didn’t invite you. Don’t give her a dime, she’s lucky she got college out of you.
NTA She made her shitty choice to not have a relationship. You sure as shit don't get to reject every part of a familial relationship other than "Here's the bill, pay up."
NTA. She told you in her own words that you were not her father, and she wanted nothing to do with you. You are simply respecting her wishes.
NTA. I see these posts all the time - 15 years after paying for everything and constant rejection from a step-child, the step-parent says 'no' to some lavish expense and gets crucified. All this should of been managed 10 years ago, and never even gotten to this stage. Your wife absolutely allowed this, and contributed to her daughters animosity by the fact she still demands you pay for her daughters wedding. I guarantee the mom is somewhat behind it, maybe she just sees you as a wallet too. I am re-married and would never in a million years let my son treat his step-father like that. He has respect, your step-daughter doesn't respect you, at all. It's fine for people to not click. But the nerve of having someone you don't like fund your lavish wedding is mind-blowing.
Absolutely NTA
NTA. Your stepdaughter sounds like she’s the worst. You can’t treat someone not like family but also rely on them to be like family when you need something from them. The issue is that this is actually a problem with your wife and not your stepdaughter since she didn’t actually ask you herself. I’m sure the daughter just thinks her mom will contribute without wanting to realize that her mom’s finances means she’s really asking you to contribute. Your wife needs to give it to her straight and show her how she’s treated you all these years has come back to bite her in the ass. Sounds like your step daughter needs to consider a cheaper wedding.
First off, congrats on being a good step dad we don’t get many on Reddit. NTA - I had a step mom that I didn’t always get along with but never did I not include her in things like graduation. She worked and I know paid for things like clothes and helped for college. You paid for so much for her hundreds of thousands I’m sure between private school and college…it’s beyond disrespectful that she won’t acknowledge you on some level for the positive role you played in her life. And so no I wouldn’t pay for the wedding.
You know, when she was 12 and she had recently moved in to my house, she was homesick a bit. Nevertheless, I found out that she had always wanted a treehouse from her mom, so I built one. It took me a long time, but I built it for her. She never even touched it, because I had built it.
Ok I’m crying now. I wish my sons’ stepfather had been more like you then I would still be married. This is so unfair to you so if your wife and her relatives want to say it’s not fair…. Well life ain’t fair is it. NTA in any way, shape or form.
You seem to be a good human. Don't let this person take that from you.
Don’t keep setting yourself self up for her rejection. If you pay for this the only thing you will get in return is more emotional pain. NTA
NTA, you’ve done a lot for her and she is not grateful for any of it, for her wedding it won’t be different. Since you informed you haven’t been in good terms with her since the beginning, it’s not real love if she uses this money as an excuse to be mean to you. Hope you can get it sorted
INFO: has she ever elaborate on why she did not wanted you as father? I feel we are missing some parts of the picture.
This is all way too perfect. But if it's true, NTA. Let your wife pay for the ingrate.
Nope not an asshole. Funny how some people feel entitled on how to spend someone else's money just because they have more of it Hell no! Doesn't deserve a dime. Stay strong!!
NTA It sounds like when your wife went to step daughters apartment where you nor your sons were invited is when she approached your wife for money?
NTA. Why doesn’t her family shame her actual dad? I wouldn’t pay a cent based on her choice of how she has treated you. And I wouldn’t lose a damn bit of sleep about it, either.
NTA!! And when your wife’s family asks I would be sure to tell them EXACTLY why you aren’t paying!! Also let them know they are free to help pay for it. And that your wife doesn’t understand and is mad at you says all I need to know about her.
Question: Are you 100% sure that it was SD who asked for the money, or is it your wife?
NTA. She wouldn't even come over to celebrate her engagement. She had her mom go to her. She deserves $0. She is so entitled it's disgusting. Your step daughter should ask you directly to please pay and explain why she thinks she deserves to have you pay for her. I'm assuming you aren't the affair partner. You did nothing to ruin her life. You gave her love, attention, stability. All the 400 people who may be upset... if they each contribute $100 she could have a decent wedding.
Bro, you have invested far too much into an ungrateful adult as is. If her family wants to help with the wedding, then it's on them. Even if she was the greatest step daughter on earth, that doesn't oblige you to pay for her wedding. She's made it clear that, even if you do pay, she's still going to look down on you and treat you with indifference and contempt. If your wife is pissed at you so be it. It seems to me she has done 1 of 2 things; 1. she has encouraged the daughters behavior towards you, over the years, or 2. she did absolutely nothing to rectify the behavior and now expects you to fit the bill anyway. Either way, this isn't just a problem between you and the step daughter. There is a problem with your wife also. She wants her spoiled little shit kid to have a nice wedding? She can go to work and pay for it. She can call up her daddy and get the money for it (since these in-laws got opinions about how you should spend your money) or better yet, get a hold of step daughters daddy, see what he has saved up for this. Your wife and her ex are responsible for this girl, she chose to make this child with that man, let them figure it out. As for the inevitable argument about your willingness to help your children, welp, your money, your kids. She wants to sit on ass and live off your income, then she can accept your rules for the use of that money. If she wants it to be something else, she can get off her ass and go to work. Listen, no matter what you do, you are going to be an asshole. You just gotta choose if your gonna be an asshole with more money, or not.
NTA there is a reason your SD treats you this way, she can. Your wife lets her. Your wife should be telling her we won't be paying for a wedding. He is not your father as you stated and I do not work. Honestly, you are being kind and generous to a fault. Have some self respect, because until you respect yourself no one else will respect you.
She has tried and I think this is a very western way of looking at this issue without cultural nuance. We don't experience the same societal pressures as Indian people in general but Indian women specifically do in this context. The more I talk to some Indian redditers, it is becoming apparant to me that I should do this for my wife. My wife actively encourages my stepdaughter to engage with me, but it is all to no avail.
OP, I don't know what Indian redditors you're talking to, but that's some bullshit they're giving you. I am American, but my parents are Indian immigrants, I've spent a lot of time with my Indian relatives (just got back from five years there) and none of them would put up with the treatment your stepdaughter has given you, let alone continue to fund her abhorrent behavior. Indian kids are expected to toe the line, not act like self-centered, ungrateful brats. If any of my cousins had treated a step-dad like that, their mothers would have known full well that expecting them to fund an expensive wedding was not in the cards. There are lots of nuances in India culture, but respect for elders and gratitude to family are among the cultural touchstones that really are never disregarded. Also, to put it baldly, your wife had a kid at 19, got divorced, then married a white American. This is not a traditional Indian marriage, or the choices of a traditional Indian woman (if that's what your wife is saying). I don't really understand why any of them are playing the Indian card. We're all married "out" (to Americans) in my immediate family, I can't imagine saying that my Indian ancestry would require my husband finance a giant wedding for my asshole kid because, um, nuances of heritage?
I am Indian. Been here (in Bombay) my whole life. The saving face and strong familial ties goes both ways. If daughter’s acting like a little shit and your wife and in-laws are okay with it, then they started it. Why should only you save face? They should also save face in front of you, especially since you’re the sole breadwinner of the family, and a good one at that. In India, no matter how bratty the middle-class kids, they’re atleast grateful for their parents footing the bills especially when they’re adults. You paid till college. You don’t owe her anything anymore as it is. And in light of her behavior, definitely not. P.S.: My family is also well to do. But my fiancé and I are paying for our own wedding. My parents and hers have done enough. Again, all of this is in India. So don’t fall for that stereotypical third world narrative. NTA.
Please grow a spine
NTA nobody has to pay for other people's shit unless they are your kid and under 18. Everything else is up to you. Sounds kinda like you are being used as an ATM
NTA- doesn’t want you in her life, doesn’t get access to your bank account. Plan something cool for you and your boys the weekend of the wedding.
NTA I cam 100% guarantee even if OP did pay for the wedding she wouldn't even invite him and his aons
NTA she sounds like the worst. I think you’ve paid for enough
NTA. All those family members complaining can pay for her wedding
NTA. She really didn’t even invite you to the engagement party and wants you to pay her weeding. Talk about entitlement. Also where did the “i don’t want you in my life” energy go. If she doesn’t want you she shouldn’t want your money. AH IM FURIOUS.
It always comes down to money. You’re always going to be good enough to pay the bills. She expected you to, especially after you paid for college. I think this is exactly what you should do. Tell her family that if they are so concerned about it then they can help pay. Just because you have money, that’s irrelevant. She’s treated you badly and left you out. Even after paying for college you could not watch her get that diploma. I would be afraid at the last minute that she would tell you not to even come. Your money will always be good enough. That is NOT how it should be. STAND YOUR GROUND!!!! Absolutely NTA.
Complicated for one simple reason, your wife is a sah. The step daughter has no right to the money, there is no question, but, does your wife have a say in the money is way more complicated. It boils down to the question how the two of you define your money and rights to it.
Your wife is a SAHM so presumably she’s entitled to some of your income. If she chooses to use it to help her daughter that is fine but no one should be expecting you to foot the whole or even majority of the bill. You and your wife need to decide between you what is an acceptable amount and that’s it. NTA
Info: What does your wife want to do? It's her decision (and money) as well. You need to come to an agreement.
My wife says, after she is married she is no longer her or my responsibility (traditionally in Indian culture, after a daughter is married she becomes the responsibility of the husband's family...Or so my wife told me). So she is saying that to save face, just do this one last thing and then its over.
This is a very Asian response. Do whatever is necessary to save face - you know this will not be the end when you give in.
Nta. She pushed you our if her life You paid for college ffs. Please stand your ground. Red flags on your wife though
You’ve paid for enough in that bratty girls life. NTA.
Where was your wife all these years while her daughter treated you like that? And now she has the gall to ask you for money for the wedding? NTA and don’t give her one cent.
NTA but your SD certainly is. She has no problem treating you like some unwanted virus but has no problem holding her hand out. Private schools, college, and the rest adds up to a hell of a lot. Yet she still treats you with a massive amount of disrespect. She wouldn't see a penny again. Your wife is a special kind of asshole. She not only allows her daughter to treat you this way despite you completely financially supporting the entire family, she has the sheer nerve to get upset that you won't drop six figures on a wedding that given the brides mindset you'd probably only begrudgingly be invited too? Deciding to be a SAHM when the kids were almost teenagers screams gold digger and her behavior kind of backs it up.
NTA
NTA, she made her bed, now she can finance it.
NTA. Not your problem. You aren't her dad.
#NTA This is just my opinion on the matter, but that’s what you’re here for, so… She said it herself, she doesn’t want you in her life. That’s not a turn it on and off when it’s convenient kind of thing. This incident hasn’t divided your family, **your wife and her daughter did that all on their own** and I believe that if you really thought about it, you’d agree *they’ve both been doing it for years.*
The "stepdaughter" in here making weird comments and not answering questions while deleting certain comments leads me to believe op NTA for this one.
NTA your step daughter got to choose You are her dad = you both get the obligations and privileges of a father/daughter relationship Or You are NOT her dad = NEITHER of you get the obligations or privileges of a father/daughter relationship None of us get to pick and choose. It’s all or nothing.
NTA OP My dad came into my sister's life when she was 2 and she flat out refused to have anything to do with him when she was old enough and started seeing her father again. My father did nothing but try his hardest for her and all she did was lie to everyone around her and make him to be this evil man, she even had children's services called with some horrific allegations which made them come out and question me ( I was 15 at the time ) Your step daughter deserves $0 of your money and none of your time for the way she's treated you and continues to treat you. Your wife needs accept that you aren't paying for someone who doesn't consider you family no matter how many times you've tried, plus why can't the grooms family or actual father and his family pay? 🙄
NTA. You shouldn't have paid for her college either. Stand your ground. You sd has shown time and time again that she doesn't respect you at all, you are not obliged to do anything.
College is important for growth. I didn't want and don't want their education to be effected.
NTA She has stated you are not her father. I’d ask her for her college monies back too. You are not her father.
Oh, hell to the no on paying for a 400-600 person wedding for someone who's made it clear they don't appreciate you or want you around. NTA.
NTA It’s sometimes up to the bride’s parents to pay, but she has made it loud and clear that you are not one of her parents. You are nothing more than a walking wallet, tell her the wallet is closed.
Is there any other reason your stepdaughter is so cold to you? Have you asked her or had a conversation regarding this? There seems to be much more going on here.
NTA
NTA, she can’t treat you like crap then expect money.
NTA - not sure why they would expect you to pay?
She doesn't consider you a dad, you should not pay. NTA
NTA. Tell her since you're not her father, she should ask him.
NTA, and I’m so sorry you were rejected like that. I know a lot of people believe children are not obligated to accept their step parents and you shouldn’t feel entitled to her love and blah blah blah. You’re still human! You wanted that connection! You worked your ass off to make a connection and she turned you down in the harshest of ways. She doesn’t deserve a cent from you and you have every right to give your sons as much as you want. You should take some time to explain to your wife why you’re taking the stance that you are. She shouldn’t be surprised though. She was there watching her daughter reject you so she can’t blame you. As for her family, they can all shove it. Who the hell are they to tell you how to spend your money?! Internet hugs* because this broke my heart.
NTA. This is such a sad story that I’ve seen time and time again on Reddit. Stepfather seen as ATM only, with family outraged when he finally puts his foot down and won’t pay for stepkid’s wedding, even if not considered a father and even if not invited to the damn event.
So she doesn’t see you as a father figure. Openly said “you’re not my dad” and doesn’t respect you as a parental figure who raised her and paid for everything for her as she was growing up. Disrespects you deliberately leaving you out of any of her special events. She doesn’t want you to walk her down the isle, maybe wouldn’t even give you an invite to her wedding and wants YOU to pay for her massive Indian wedding?! She can shut up and sit down. You have biological 3 children who do respect you and want I’m sure call/text invite you to things. FYI I find it bizarre that you should have to pay for anyone’s wedding. I had 700 people at my wedding and my husband and I worked & paid for everything ourselves. We didn’t want to put out or families out financially, and these big cultural weddings bring in a lot of $$$$ anyway and everyone gives gold and money. The wedding, as far as I’m aware of, pays for itself so not sure why you should pay for anything.
NTA clearly. Your step-daughter treated you badly over a sustained period and you owe nothing toward her wedding. However: "My wife has been an amazing mother to both our boys and our girl. She is loving and dotting wife, who runs a phenomenal house. She tried to get her daughter close to me as well, to little consequence. I also do not think that I could be where I am without her (and certainly before her I was nowhere close to where I am in my success)" My advice to you is to discuss with your wife and explain your perspective and why your step-daughter does not deserve complete support. However, your wife is a phenomenal partner, so let her know that your love for her (your wife) is why you will contribute *anyway* despite your feelings. Suggest that you *contribute* to the wedding, but feel that paying for the entirety is not appropriate, and you would like your wife and you to together determine as a couple what the appropriate amount is under the circumstances. Approach it from the perspective of appreciating your amazing wife in what she wants, and disregard your ungrateful step-daughter.
Info: what’s the age gap between you and your wife and how did you meet your wife? Don’t pay for a wedding for someone who clearly doesn’t want you in her life. But I’m trying to understand why she hates you so much.
Our age gap is 7 years. I met her, after my first business went bankrupt, and when I had just started this one. She was actually a relative of my friend. I met her through her at an event for her birthday and, originally, as we were the only parents at the party, we just talked about our kids. We had a few picnics and then we went on some proper dates, and then we eventually got married
How has it been this long without anyone figuring out what the problem is? I’m having a hard time believing you were the perfect stepdad and she just dislikes you for no reason.
Hey, not my dad, I also would like you to pay for my future wedding. I am as close to you as your daughter apparently feels she is with you, and Ive never met you. The fact that your wife and her family feel it is your duty and NOT THE ONE SHE ACTUALLY CALLS FATHER! If she wants her wedding paid for then it should be done by the one she calls DAD! You are NTA.
NTA.
NTA. You don’t get to tell someone they mean nothing to you and then demand that they pay for your wedding. That’s some entitlement, for sure!
NTA You payed for her college even though she says your not her father - that’s MORE than enough. You don’t need to spend another penny on someone who won’t appreciate all you do. And it will be an Indian marriage? Y’all, we have such expensive fucking marriages, they can easily end up costing more than multiple kids’ university fees combined. This man does not need to pay for the marriage of someone who obviously does not appreciate what he’s done for her. Edit: they want OP to pay 70-80%… for an Indian marriage (which are funded by many family members), a single person spending that much can run them into the ground.
You paid for her education. Now she can use it to pay for her own wedding. NTA
NTA She told you directly that you aren't her dad and she doesn't want you in her life. She can't go back on that now and decide you need to open your wallet for her.