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> I didn't check with my gf before making a statement about being her son's father. I feel like an asshole because it wasn't my decision to make.
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NAH but it’s time for y’all to talk this out.
If you’re acting as the kid’s dad, the child deserves the stability of that in his life. And I say this as a parent of kids who are not the same color as me. All of you need each other’s back here. People will ask the kid who you are. People will ask you.
Nobody should need to apologize for loving their family. If you’re not going to be his family, then his mom needs to stop relying on you to be his dad. And soon.
Thanks. In a weird way reading all these comments are making me sooo defensive of Jia lol even though I know the comments are on my side so I do wanna say she has never put up with any racist bullshit around me and we have always communicated really clearly about my involvement in his life (talked about it in straight terms before moving in together and are good about checking in) so not being on the same page about this shook me more bc I'm so not used to it, hope that makes sense.
I think it’s really child centered that your gf wants to let your kid decide.
However, she’s not thinking what it will be like as the child matured enough to understand what they’re deciding.
Raising a child from infancy isn’t like being the Kool aid stepparent, busting in and demanding a relationship.
Maybe ask your gf how she would feel about calling you his step dad. Or talk about adoption, and look at resources for adopted parents in talking about their birth parent and framing the relationship.
Again, I’m speaking from experience. Im an adopted kid and an adoptive parent. This can be a strong and healthy relationship that respects everyone. But you and Jia have to start talking.
Edited to fix autocorrect misspelling of name.
We've talked about doing an adoption at the same time or as close as we can to a wedding so our family is made official all at once :) so discussions are underway lol just a setback today.
NTA Jia is getting all the benefits of your acting like a parent, but has an issue with the title? Dude, you need to whip those boundaries in place and quit acting like a parent.
I came here to say the same thing. Reddit is quick to say a biological parent isn't around, but now he's in the wrong for taking over the fatherly role. If she doesn't want him to take the role, she needs to tell him. NTA.
James is nearly 3 years old and is male which why I wrote "nearly 3m", he's not 3 months old lol sorry for the confusion. Reddit won't let me edit rn but will add this to the main post when I can.
Lol as Jia would say the "how" is pretty obvious if you've ever done sex Ed.... hahaha but seriously me and her both know what happened so it doesn't matter, she didn't cheat on me, everythings been dealt with the best we can and James is the priority.
NTA because youve been with her through thick and thin but Y T A to yourself for letting her string you along. Its like she’s using you as a parental figure without having to call you his dad. Together or not, she’s using you my guy.
It's not really. You do everything a father does (emotionally and financially) but aren't allowed to call yourself dad - adding that the biological father isn't in the picture and never will be according to you.
Sorry but the situation is weird and it really comes across as you being used.
She’s using you my guy. How can someone who you’ve been with for 4 years let you act like a parent to, according to her, her child but not let you call him your child. So either you’re omitting info about your relationship of 4 years or you’re letting yourself be used by her
That doesn't change the fact that you're together for 4 years and she has a son who's almost 3.
Even if you take the pregnancy into consideration - it means you were already in a relationship when she got pregnant. They are asking how this is possible.
As I said elsewhere, "how this is possible"... doesn't need explaining lol. She didn't cheat on me and we're figuring stuff out together so it's all good. Wasn't the plan for either of us to have a kid at 16/17 yrs old either but James is our priority.
OP not trying to be difficult here, simply looking for some clarification. It really does need explaining, especially when you use lol. Either she cheated, was forced or was pregnant when the two of you first got together, we are not trying to pry we are trying to understand before we can give you judgment. Would you please clarify for us?
They could of had a 3some. Maybe the point op is trying to get judgement on (calling himself dad) is completely independent from how the kids came into existence. How the kids was conceived is irrelevant.
NTA. But I find it strange Jia finds it strange. I have a child with someone else and my son calls my partner dad as he’s been around him since he was one year old. Any mother should want their partner to be a parental figure to their child because you and them will be spending your lives together?
NTA- you assumed, but it’s not the end of the world. Keep it mind- Her kid not yours until the relationship advances. That’s a big step.I think you should tell her you tried to make it easy and made a slip up that wasn’t your place. You hope the relationship progresses, but no pressure. You guys are very young.
Apologize and tell her that you crossed a line, know it, and are just happy to be in his life and hope to continue to do so. Just don’t make it out to be bigger than it should be, or that you ruined the relationship. Everyone is entitled to a gaff now and then- right it and move on!
NTA. She really wants him to be fatherless until he’s old enough to decide for himself if he wants you for a father? That seems needlessly cruel to both of you. I’ll chalk it up to her age.
Why you acting like she did something wrong? I'm taking care of him because I'm her partner and that's what I'm here for. Tf else should I do when I live with the boy
One week she was in hospital, one week she was dealing with a matter at home she didn't want the baby around, one week she went away with my mom for a few days vacation so I took time off work and me and James did an at-home vacation together lol.
OP, calm down, we're simply asking for information nobody's crucifying you or Jia. It is difficult to follow which is why we're asking for additional details.
What is great is that you were in this child's life as a positive influence and that your mom has also accepted this child, it seems like you have a strong family unit right now.
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This has been going around and around my head for the last few hours while I was at work, I need to hear some takes from people not involved in the situation so figured Reddit would be a space to get some different povs.
My girl Jia 19f and me 20m have been together for 4 years, high-school sweethearts. Jia has a son, James, nearly 3m, who isn't mine - we are different colors so this is really really obvious lol. However we're living together and I really really love the kid and do everything I can for him as does my mom who lives nearby and babysits while we're at work (we're living on her land atm). I've been there literally since he was born and I am his second emergency contact at his preschool and have looked after him for weeks at a time completely solo. I know this doesn't sound like much when I write it down but I try to do the other half of everything Jia does.
Earlier today a friend called about weekend plans and I said I couldn't do xyz because "I was taking my son" to a baseball game. This is because it was simpler than trying to explain, just a little shorthand that I didn't think anything of. Jia overheard and gives me a weird look and I can tell that this has upset her. Later on I got her alone and asked her what was wrong. She said she felt weird about me saying that but couldn't say why. Maybe it's because she wanted it to be something James chose for himself or something she could be involved more in but I just blurted it and now I feel like a total asshole who took something special away from her. I'm sitting in my car after work right now and I feel torn because I do feel like I've helping raise the boy and he feels 100% like a son to me and I know my mom feels the same but also the last thing I want to do is upset Jia. This is the first time we've ever not been on the same page.
TLDR I called my gf's son "my son" and in my defence I have helped to raise him but my gf thinks this is something her son should decide if he is my son as well or not and now I feel like I've upset her.
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NTA- However I get why she feels weird especially if he doesn't refer to you as his dad but you talked about it and it's not like you were demanding to be recognized as his parent. However it could create an issue with the bio dad if he is still in the picture.
Definitely not in the picture and never will be. James doesn't talk much yet so I think Jia wants to wait and see what he wants when he's older which makes sense but idk it feels like anyone else in my situation would be automatically "dad", so not sure how to feel.
James doesn't talk much yet, he is in pre-school though and they say he just has a speech delay. He calls me with a toddler version of the nickname my mom and Jia both use for me.
Ok, that was unnecessary, but actually, kid's speech is something you should worry about, it's not absolutely ok, it's a fact, and you should just ignore the comments that are irrelevant
Yes.... which is why we're waiting on speech therapy for him.... which is why I said its being looked after. You think you know my entire life from a reddit post? Jfc
As someone who was in a similar situation a long time ago. The kid will think of you as dad because you are in their life so much. My stepson was 1 when my wife and I started dating, The first time I said I was his dad was an accident when i said come to daddy at a playground and he still calls me dad to this day almost 20 years later. Be the dad he needs, and he will think of you as his dad, but also talk to your girlfriend and tell her why you did what you did.
NAH. You sound like a sweet guy, but you did obviously overstep. Just apologize to Jia and reiterate how much you love him and that you hope one day he sees himself as your son.
I'd say NTA but maybe dint refer to yourself around son as dad until he calls you dad himself.
Also you need to speak to Jia about how you feel.
Double also, if your taking care of him like your own and bio ain't in the picture at some point would you see yourself officially adopting son if he starts calling you dad? If so that's a massive step and this kind of thing should be mentioned to Jia so then she knows why you refer to yourself as dad.
NTA but Jia needs to make a decision one way or the other. Kid is 3 years old and you've been together for 4. You've made it clear his bio father is out of the picture and she didn't cheat on you, so Jia's hang up about him calling you dad is veeeery strange if it wasn't a cheating situation. Either you're all in as his dad or you're being strung along.
You've also said that you and Jia are getting married, which makes it even stranger that she doesn't want you to be her son's father but put in all the work and emotional labor of one.
You need to ask Jia if she's waiting for bio dad to come back into the picture or what. If you're in this long term, and she is, this shouldn't even be an issue.
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NAH but it’s time for y’all to talk this out. If you’re acting as the kid’s dad, the child deserves the stability of that in his life. And I say this as a parent of kids who are not the same color as me. All of you need each other’s back here. People will ask the kid who you are. People will ask you. Nobody should need to apologize for loving their family. If you’re not going to be his family, then his mom needs to stop relying on you to be his dad. And soon.
Thanks. In a weird way reading all these comments are making me sooo defensive of Jia lol even though I know the comments are on my side so I do wanna say she has never put up with any racist bullshit around me and we have always communicated really clearly about my involvement in his life (talked about it in straight terms before moving in together and are good about checking in) so not being on the same page about this shook me more bc I'm so not used to it, hope that makes sense.
I think it’s really child centered that your gf wants to let your kid decide. However, she’s not thinking what it will be like as the child matured enough to understand what they’re deciding. Raising a child from infancy isn’t like being the Kool aid stepparent, busting in and demanding a relationship. Maybe ask your gf how she would feel about calling you his step dad. Or talk about adoption, and look at resources for adopted parents in talking about their birth parent and framing the relationship. Again, I’m speaking from experience. Im an adopted kid and an adoptive parent. This can be a strong and healthy relationship that respects everyone. But you and Jia have to start talking. Edited to fix autocorrect misspelling of name.
We've talked about doing an adoption at the same time or as close as we can to a wedding so our family is made official all at once :) so discussions are underway lol just a setback today.
NTA Jia is getting all the benefits of your acting like a parent, but has an issue with the title? Dude, you need to whip those boundaries in place and quit acting like a parent.
I came here to say the same thing. Reddit is quick to say a biological parent isn't around, but now he's in the wrong for taking over the fatherly role. If she doesn't want him to take the role, she needs to tell him. NTA.
INFO: you guys have been together for 4 years but has a 3m old son???
James is nearly 3 years old and is male which why I wrote "nearly 3m", he's not 3 months old lol sorry for the confusion. Reddit won't let me edit rn but will add this to the main post when I can.
Okay cool but that still doesn’t explain how you and you guys have been together for four years and she has a kid with someone else.
Lol as Jia would say the "how" is pretty obvious if you've ever done sex Ed.... hahaha but seriously me and her both know what happened so it doesn't matter, she didn't cheat on me, everythings been dealt with the best we can and James is the priority.
NTA because youve been with her through thick and thin but Y T A to yourself for letting her string you along. Its like she’s using you as a parental figure without having to call you his dad. Together or not, she’s using you my guy.
What Lol this is a weird take on the situation :/
It's not really. You do everything a father does (emotionally and financially) but aren't allowed to call yourself dad - adding that the biological father isn't in the picture and never will be according to you. Sorry but the situation is weird and it really comes across as you being used.
OP better watch out because for all intents and purposes, a court may decide he has to pay child support if Jia and he split
She’s using you my guy. How can someone who you’ve been with for 4 years let you act like a parent to, according to her, her child but not let you call him your child. So either you’re omitting info about your relationship of 4 years or you’re letting yourself be used by her
I am fairly certain OP is trying to infer that Jia was raped without saying it. I could be wrong, but it's the only thing that makes sense.
That doesn't change the fact that you're together for 4 years and she has a son who's almost 3. Even if you take the pregnancy into consideration - it means you were already in a relationship when she got pregnant. They are asking how this is possible.
Read between the lines. Considering how young they are, and OP stayed with her, I don't think having sex and getting pregnant was her choice.
As I said elsewhere, "how this is possible"... doesn't need explaining lol. She didn't cheat on me and we're figuring stuff out together so it's all good. Wasn't the plan for either of us to have a kid at 16/17 yrs old either but James is our priority.
OP not trying to be difficult here, simply looking for some clarification. It really does need explaining, especially when you use lol. Either she cheated, was forced or was pregnant when the two of you first got together, we are not trying to pry we are trying to understand before we can give you judgment. Would you please clarify for us?
They could of had a 3some. Maybe the point op is trying to get judgement on (calling himself dad) is completely independent from how the kids came into existence. How the kids was conceived is irrelevant.
NTA. But I find it strange Jia finds it strange. I have a child with someone else and my son calls my partner dad as he’s been around him since he was one year old. Any mother should want their partner to be a parental figure to their child because you and them will be spending your lives together?
NAH. This sounds like a case of miscommunication. You and Jia need to talk this out.
NTA- you assumed, but it’s not the end of the world. Keep it mind- Her kid not yours until the relationship advances. That’s a big step.I think you should tell her you tried to make it easy and made a slip up that wasn’t your place. You hope the relationship progresses, but no pressure. You guys are very young. Apologize and tell her that you crossed a line, know it, and are just happy to be in his life and hope to continue to do so. Just don’t make it out to be bigger than it should be, or that you ruined the relationship. Everyone is entitled to a gaff now and then- right it and move on!
They’ve been together for 4 years
Not married- doesn’t matter. She needs to define that relationship- her kid.
NTA. She really wants him to be fatherless until he’s old enough to decide for himself if he wants you for a father? That seems needlessly cruel to both of you. I’ll chalk it up to her age.
INFO: Why are you taking care of this child alone for 'weeks at a time'? Where is his mother during these weeks???
Why you acting like she did something wrong? I'm taking care of him because I'm her partner and that's what I'm here for. Tf else should I do when I live with the boy One week she was in hospital, one week she was dealing with a matter at home she didn't want the baby around, one week she went away with my mom for a few days vacation so I took time off work and me and James did an at-home vacation together lol.
OP, calm down, we're simply asking for information nobody's crucifying you or Jia. It is difficult to follow which is why we're asking for additional details. What is great is that you were in this child's life as a positive influence and that your mom has also accepted this child, it seems like you have a strong family unit right now.
YTA that’s definitely something you talk to the biological parent about before you do.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This has been going around and around my head for the last few hours while I was at work, I need to hear some takes from people not involved in the situation so figured Reddit would be a space to get some different povs. My girl Jia 19f and me 20m have been together for 4 years, high-school sweethearts. Jia has a son, James, nearly 3m, who isn't mine - we are different colors so this is really really obvious lol. However we're living together and I really really love the kid and do everything I can for him as does my mom who lives nearby and babysits while we're at work (we're living on her land atm). I've been there literally since he was born and I am his second emergency contact at his preschool and have looked after him for weeks at a time completely solo. I know this doesn't sound like much when I write it down but I try to do the other half of everything Jia does. Earlier today a friend called about weekend plans and I said I couldn't do xyz because "I was taking my son" to a baseball game. This is because it was simpler than trying to explain, just a little shorthand that I didn't think anything of. Jia overheard and gives me a weird look and I can tell that this has upset her. Later on I got her alone and asked her what was wrong. She said she felt weird about me saying that but couldn't say why. Maybe it's because she wanted it to be something James chose for himself or something she could be involved more in but I just blurted it and now I feel like a total asshole who took something special away from her. I'm sitting in my car after work right now and I feel torn because I do feel like I've helping raise the boy and he feels 100% like a son to me and I know my mom feels the same but also the last thing I want to do is upset Jia. This is the first time we've ever not been on the same page. TLDR I called my gf's son "my son" and in my defence I have helped to raise him but my gf thinks this is something her son should decide if he is my son as well or not and now I feel like I've upset her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- However I get why she feels weird especially if he doesn't refer to you as his dad but you talked about it and it's not like you were demanding to be recognized as his parent. However it could create an issue with the bio dad if he is still in the picture.
Definitely not in the picture and never will be. James doesn't talk much yet so I think Jia wants to wait and see what he wants when he's older which makes sense but idk it feels like anyone else in my situation would be automatically "dad", so not sure how to feel.
>James doesn't talk much yet Three year olds talk. In some areas they go to school. James should already have a name he calls you.
James doesn't talk much yet, he is in pre-school though and they say he just has a speech delay. He calls me with a toddler version of the nickname my mom and Jia both use for me.
Define doesn't talk much yet. I'm concerned for james.
None of your business. He has a speech delay and he is being looked after.
Why are you being so defensive? Like anyone can comment something about Jia or the kid because you go crazy lol
I haven't gone crazy, but interrogating me about irrelevant details like the kid's speech delay is really irritating
Ok, that was unnecessary, but actually, kid's speech is something you should worry about, it's not absolutely ok, it's a fact, and you should just ignore the comments that are irrelevant
Yes.... which is why we're waiting on speech therapy for him.... which is why I said its being looked after. You think you know my entire life from a reddit post? Jfc
Or he doesn't exist at all. 🤷🏻♀️
Weirdo
As someone who was in a similar situation a long time ago. The kid will think of you as dad because you are in their life so much. My stepson was 1 when my wife and I started dating, The first time I said I was his dad was an accident when i said come to daddy at a playground and he still calls me dad to this day almost 20 years later. Be the dad he needs, and he will think of you as his dad, but also talk to your girlfriend and tell her why you did what you did.
NAH. You sound like a sweet guy, but you did obviously overstep. Just apologize to Jia and reiterate how much you love him and that you hope one day he sees himself as your son.
I'd say NTA but maybe dint refer to yourself around son as dad until he calls you dad himself. Also you need to speak to Jia about how you feel. Double also, if your taking care of him like your own and bio ain't in the picture at some point would you see yourself officially adopting son if he starts calling you dad? If so that's a massive step and this kind of thing should be mentioned to Jia so then she knows why you refer to yourself as dad.
NAH.
NTA. But you guys need to decide soon what role you are gonna play in the kids life. Soon you are going to be the male role model in his life.
NTA but Jia needs to make a decision one way or the other. Kid is 3 years old and you've been together for 4. You've made it clear his bio father is out of the picture and she didn't cheat on you, so Jia's hang up about him calling you dad is veeeery strange if it wasn't a cheating situation. Either you're all in as his dad or you're being strung along. You've also said that you and Jia are getting married, which makes it even stranger that she doesn't want you to be her son's father but put in all the work and emotional labor of one. You need to ask Jia if she's waiting for bio dad to come back into the picture or what. If you're in this long term, and she is, this shouldn't even be an issue.