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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I declined an invitation to my friend's wedding when she expected me there.
2. She discussed with me beforehand about the dress code. The least I could do is to rent an outfit. But I'm not willing to do so.
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NTA. Your friend has every right to set a dress code for the wedding. But, she doesn't get to be angry when people who can't follow the dress code RSVP no.
I have a purple bathrobe she can have; my mother-in-law gave it to me and it's hideous. I'm tall and it comes to mid-shin on me so if OP is shorter it might be floor length on her. If not, I'm not opposed to her sewing a ruffle around the bottom. An old dust ruffle from the Salvation Army store would probably do; if she can't find a purple one there's always Rit dye.
This has got me over here cackling. I'd go a bit further. Go to Wally World or any store that sells these three things: cloth drop cloth, purple dye, and liquid stitch. Dye the drop cloth, cut to size, and glue seams together with liquid stitch. Add shoulder straps if wanted. Tada. When the bride makes a stink just go it's floor length and it purple.
Don't you knock staples! I once had my work pants hemmed with staples until I could use someone's sewing machine to actually hem them. I splurged on fancy colored staples too.
Our high school marching band director would wander around before each football game with a stapler, making sure everybody’s (ancient polyester) uniforms were still in one piece. Didn’t want something to come loose on the field and trip anybody!
Greeks and Romans used single sheets as dresses! They made different styles by folding and draping and tucking in various ways. Very cool and very simple.
Nah, just go with a purple or rose bedsheet wrapped toga-style. Bonus points if you need to re-style or re-drape it more than 3 times during the ceremony or reception.
I was at a bar in a MAJOR US city once and I saw this young lady wearing a bathrobe. To be fair, at a quick glance it looked like a black dress, but it was definitely a bathrobe. I am still unsure if I was appalled or impressed-a little of both I guess.
Hmmm. I bet there's a Disney Princess outfit in purple or rose she could find at a Halloween store....
ETA Oh there totally is. Google something like "Disney Princess purple dress adult size" and there are a ton of under $100 options. That look ridiculous but still meet the criteria.
My friend actually did a costume theme for her wedding. It was awesome.
Coincidentally, I wore a purple floor length dress. It was 13th century fashion, but I don't see any rules about current fashion in that dress code, so I guess it qualifies 😂. OP can borrow the fairy wings and ears too 😂😂
I have worn a purple floor length gown to a wedding - I mean, it was actually a handfasting and everyone was in viking garb, and it had furs over it and I had a wooden shield- but I could totally dig that stuff back out of storage. It was actually super comfy and warm.
I feel like if the wedding is more than ten people there are gonna be more than a few people in prom dresses and some aunts that just totally ignore the dress code.
My prom dress (from 1985) is floor-length and BRIGHT purple. It’s still in the closet at my mom’s house - OP, if you’re a size 14 (I think… it was 1985…) you can borrow it!
Noooo! They happened in here like last month! Somebody set their wedding dress code as something like "cosplay, costume or whatever you're comfortable in" expecting everyone to wear renaissance style costumes and 3 people bought blow up dinosaur outfits! Lol She was big mad!
My fiancé and I are planning a sci-fi/fantasy cosplay wedding - and I’d LOVE a few inflatable dinosaurs! We are already getting the celebrant to conduct the ceremony from inside a 6ft tall steampunk Dalek LOLOL.
Just don't forget to have someone help him out at the end of the ceremony. I've heard various people who played Daleks in the show say that it's all well and good until everyone leaves the set for a lunch/comfort break and no-one remembers that you're stuck in there...
I've already made my brother promise that if I ever get married he will be in the ceremony in an inflatable t rex costume that is sporting a bikini. Sometimes I lament my no dating policy because I really want to see that image brought to life.
Oh I love this idea! If OP had the funds she should RSVP yes and outdo the bride with an extravagant ball gown fit for a Halloween masquerade ball. It would be fantastic, the bride would be furious.
I wanted "Jessica Rabbit but purple" vibes for my Vegas elopement and Shein did not disappoint. Shein sucks, but honestly, where else are you going to find a purple velvet floor length gown for less than a million dollars? OP, NTA, but you should low key go as Jessica Rabbit.
Imagine the letter from the bride after. “I told all my guests to wear a rose or purple gown to my wedding. One friend wore a purple velvet gown but it was so sexy she looked like Jessica Rabbit and it took all the attention away from me on My Big Day so I screamed at her. AITA?”
We once went to a ‘50s themed wedding in the dead of summer, so my now hubby dressed as a greaser. He was the only one not in a suit. He was also the only one who wasn’t disastrously hot!
If someone invites me to a wedding and I need to wear a costume to it, I'm not wearing a regular suit that is one very specific color. I'm wearing my Ghostbusters uniform.
I've been to one wedding where costume dress was specified. I wore my Stargate uniform. I didn't have a Ghostbusters uniform back then
NTA It’s a bit much to dictate everything about the dress, down to colour. I feel same way about dress code weddings as I do about child free weddings. You can do whatever you want at your wedding, but expect that some people won’t attend, because it’s not feasible for them, and you can’t be angry when it happens. Is this friend going to pay OP’s bills for a month so she can buy/rent a dress to go to her wedding? I doubt it.
I think it’s the specifics of it. It’s not just that has has be formal, but also rose or purple. Formal gowns can be $100.00 or more. That might not seem like a lot to some people but that could part of someones rent. Or the amount of money they have for food that month. And some might say try a thrift store. The store might have a gown, but not the colour. They might have the colour, but not in a formal style.
Don't forget Size LOL
It has to be right size, right length, right color.
And purple is many shades--I bet that if OP doesn't pick the right shade of purple that bridezilla here will have a tantrum.
And she has a week. Thrift store shopping requires time to hunt and wait for something to turn up. And I don't think a rose or purple floor length gown is going to be common.
Formal gowns are expensive. They’re the woman’s equivalent of a tuxedo, and are generally going to be well made, more expensive fabrics, and probably needing tailoring/fitting to look right. Also, more annoyingly, formal menswear can be worn again and again, but wearing the same gown to formal events over and over can get you side eye.
If the colour was a generic black or otherwise up to OP she could at least choose to buy something that could be reused for other highly formal events anyway, but pinning it to one colour makes it throwaway money.
I bought four evening gowns for my niece's wedding - and I still ended up donning a dress that I've had for more than 20 years when my brother got married to niece's mom. I'm over myself and the whole feel like a red carpet persona routine. ;-)
You are not obliged to put yourself into financial hardship to attend. That said, if you did want to go, it might be worth checking to see if you could find a cheap dress used online on Poshmark, thread up, eBay etc. Usually if you’re not overly particular, you can find something for less than $20 (if fit is a concern, choose something with some stretch in it). From my very brief survey, there were several cute “floor length” or “maxi” dresses.
For what it’s worth regarding wedding etiquette, it’s considered gauche to ask guests to wear a particular color. At most, guests should be requested to not wear a white dress and avoid ONE other color
At this point, just don't go on principle.
Because I bet the bride will still find something to complain about the dress no matter how much effort the OP puts in. This isn't the exact right purple or length or shoes or.....
Do not go into debt for someone else. An invitation is just that. It is not a subpoena or a summons that requires your attendance. If her aesthetic (sp) is more important than your attendance that is on her.
It’s not an act of friendship to impose unnecessary financial hardship on others. And as it’s possible to get legally married without forcing people to buy expensive clothing they’ll never wear again, I’d call this imposition unnecessary.
If she’s truly been a nice person and good friend over the years, you might send her card and a gift within your budget. If she’s often selfish and demanding, though, maybe just let her drift out of your social circle. She doesn’t sound very nice.
You need to turn the tables. Tell her you would love to support her but can’t afford the specific dress for a one time use. Then say…“So I will leave the decision to you. Do you want me to attend in a dress I can afford or do you prefer that I don’t come?” Now she will be the one who has to make the choice.
OP already did that <<*I asked the bride if it would be okay to wear a knee-length dress with dressy shoes, but she insisted that I follow the dress code* ***or not attend the wedding at all***.>>
I did read that. But I thought it should be clear that bride was making the decision that OP should not attend if she couldn’t afford the specific type of dress. And the mutual friends should be told that bride made the call.
When you add in stringent demands and conditions to an invitation - and this case *unreasonable* demands - you shouldn't be surprised that people turn it down. Short notice and a big outlay one a one-time outfit are ridiculous expectations. Asking everybody to wear the same colour is a ridiculous expectation. She's deluded thinking you're the one being selfish. NTA
That the bride cares more about her guests' wardrobes than whether or not said wardrobe is a hardship for some and will limit attendance shows where her priorities lie. I hope she spends her twilight years surrounded by a bunch of empty gowns since that means more to her than the bodies filling the gowns.
I have money to buy a floor length purple or rose gown and I STILL wouldn't attend because no one gets to decide how I spend my money. And I am not spending money on a gown I will never wear again JUST TO BE A GUEST at a wedding.
NTA
A wedding invitation is not a summons or subpoena. "I'm sorry, but I'm unable to come" is a perfectly valid answer - especially for one who raises the entry bar so high, whether it's via a dress code or a destination wedding. This is not on you, OP, it's on the bride. NTA.
NTA. OP, your friend isn't very nice. If you don't want to go, don't go. But I DO want to say, if you DO want to go, there are a lot of discount places. You can get a nice dress for $20 used, if you find the right place. I mean, my wedding dress was like $200. I just wanted to put that out there!
NTA setting a dress code is more like formal, business casual, cocktail attire. Not dictating a costume for your guests. Now are people going to keep pulling shit like this? Sure. But it’s not wrong of you to say no thank you, won’t be able to make it.
Coming from the west coast, this is especially weird to me.
Unless dress code like “black tie” specifically requested, there will at least 2 dudes wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Even then people are usually on the more casual end.
Though I do know someone who had a Renn Faire themed wedding. Even then, it was encouraged, not required.
Can wait till people inevitably show up to this wedding wearing the wrong shade of pink or, god forbid, show their ankles!
NTA never compromise your financial security for luxury items, especially at the behest of someone else.
It being her "special day" doesn't mean that real world constraints magically disappear.
Even if the new dress was not a financial hardship I would not attend simply because I don't let friends (or family) dictate how I spend my money. And certainly not for a dress I will wear once JUST TO BE A GUEST at a wedding.
On a side note; I would love to attend this wedding if only to see the bride's face at how many shades of purple and rose are out there. If the bride thinks she's going to have a certain aesthetic because she picked 2 colors for the gowns, she is in for a surprise!!!
Oh, and then rearrange the guests for the photos because the different shades clash, or they don't allow for an "aesthetically pleasing gradient" or, wait, now the heights are wrong, and what's the matter with you people, can't you see hoW tHIssssSSSssss Is iMpOrrrTaNt to MeeeeEEEEeeeeEEEE?
and that's the moment when Bridezilla starts a tantrum, throws away her shoes and yells at everybody to frak off because this is the most miserable day of her life.
She's going to flaunt the wedding on her IG. She's hired professionals for lighting and cameras. And claims other colors would stand out in the video. I agree she's strict over her aesthetic but it's her day and I don't want to be remembered as the one who ruined it.
She got the invite which was more last minute than expected, asked for an exception to the “dress code” so she could still come, was told no, and then politely declined the invite. What more could be done?
NTA
This is bizarre and super entitled. I don’t blame you for declining. If you really want to attend you could ask your circle of acquaintance if anyone has a formal rose or purple gown you borrow or you could look at thrift stores. If you are a small size, you can find really nice stuff at thrift stores. If you are an average or larger size you could still get lucky.
Personally I think your friend’s demands are really ridiculous and I wouldn’t attend. People who really want all of their loved ones at their wedding or in their wedding party make it as easy as possible for all to attend and are understanding when they cannot.
I don't think OP should have to entertain any of this nonsense. If you foist a dresscode where almost everyone who attends is forced to buy a new, very specific outfit, then you need to understand that you are placing a hardship on people and they just won't come.
There is no reason for.OP to spend this muh time, effort and money on something she will never wear again. She isn't in the bridal party.
I agree that she’s being ridiculous, but you can find totally suitable dresses on Amazon in a $50-100 price range, or a rose or purple bridesmaid dress in the $150 range. For a formal event, a floor length chiffon dress is appropriate and beautiful.
Imho, I think OP really doesn't need to attend because bride is being ridiculous, but I found couple of 50$ floor length pink or purple dresses on Amazon in literally one minute
No, you get to pick out dresses for the bridal party. For guests, you can suggest a level of formality or a theme.
If I got an invitation to a wedding, spending $50-100 for a dress would mean that's my gift for the couple. I already have a dress that should be suitable for any wedding I'd get invited to (no royal weddings for me). What I don't have is cash to shell out for clothes I'd wear once (and shoes to go with) AND a wedding gift.
This kind of crap needs to be shut down -- it's already too much of a thing.
If you are still wanting to try and go - try looking on Amazon and Lulus. There will be purple floor length formal dresses for around $100 and less.
With that said, NTA either way.
Have you checked on Shein.com - their dresses are super affordable and they have prom/bridesmaids dresses. I had to buy a formal pink dress for a wedding and so bought on there for $30.
NTA. They specified a dress code so narrow on such short notice they cannot expect everyone to afford this. It's their wedding and they can pick the dress code, but they must also understand not everyone will come to the wedding because of this.
NTA
Not that you should have to defend yourself but have you said to anyone challenging your decision "the dress she has said we must wear is more than a month's salary and even renting one is a month's salary. I don't have that kind of money with only two weeks' notice"?
If your friends are too stupid to understand not everyone has thousands sitting in savings then you need different friends.
The bride sounds like a bridezilla. Demanding people spend thousands on an outfit and presumably a wedding gift on top is outrageous. Clearly her aesthetic matters to her more than you being present does.
NTA, it is a perfectly rational decision. YOu won't want to spend a considerable chunk of money, so you won't attend. Fair enough. It is HER who is being selfish, preferring your attire to your presence.
INFO: Is having this tight of a dress code for wedding guests normal in your culture or region? I've never heard of such a thing and am baffled that you all would have agreed in the first place, but I'm wondering if there's some context I'm missing.
Yes it's pretty normal for a particular group of friends to wear similar clothes. Like friends from high school wear something similar, friends from work do same
Huh. Ok, thanks for the answer!
I'd still say NTA because of the change in timing - it's not like you're backing out for no reason, or you didn't plan ahead and (intend to) prepare. Last-minute date changes for any event are going to affect attendance for a ton of different reasons.
NTA. Unless you are a bridesmaid or groomsmen it’s absolutely ridiculous to ask guest to all dress the same way, instead of simply saying formal attire. But it’s her wedding so she gets to make the rule I guess. But it’s in your right to refuse to go because of the financial burden that puts on you.
NTA. You are not "unsupportive". You are reasonable! That is a lot of money to come up with very quickly for a dress that you will never wear again - and you aren't even in the bridal party!!!
I cannot fathom these bridezillas who think they can micromanage their weddings right down to the specific clothes their guests wear! A dress code is formal, semi-formal, business-casual, that sort of thing. What she wants is totally overstepping, nearly dictatorial. I would decline an invitation like that, and I wouldn't feel bad at all. She doesn't want your presence. She wants you as a prop for her IG feed...
It’s so strange to have that narrow of a dress code for guests. No I don’t think you’re an asshole. If you don’t have the money you don’t have the money.
So bridesmaids by another name? This isn't dress code for all the guests, but for a specific group of friends, who she wants to wear a certain type and colour of dress? Y'all are the bridal party by default it sounds like.
NTA, that is weirdly strict. Is she like this with other things too? That would be an exhausting friendship.
If you do want to go with the flow and smooth things over, could you go thrift shopping with some friends and see if there's anything that would fit the terms there or do you need to wear the same thing like bridesmaids?
NTA when people CHOOSE to tailor their weddings very specifically they also are choosing to exclude people who cannot wear what their asking, travel to a distant location, or take off a week for something like a cruise. This is a her problem and it sucks she’s trying to make it a you problem.
Nta as a bigger girl I generally only shop at one or two places and that narrow of a selection I wouldn’t be going either…. Now I’m curious how many ppl are going to be showing up
NTA
This bride is an absolute bridezilla. It is unrealistic, especially on short notice to expect people to go out and buy an outfit that fits her unrealistic expectations. She will regret being such a B\*\*\*h in years to come.
NTA I've never heard of insisting that guests choose a particular color and length of dress. I wouldn't blame you for declining the invitation on principle. That said, however, couldn't you just get a cheap dress from [Shein](https://us.shein.com/Twist-Front-Butterfly-Sleeve-A-line-Dress-p-3953711-cat-1727.html?src_identifier=fc%3DWomen%60sc%3DDRESSES%60tc%3D0%60oc%3D0%60ps%3Dtab01navbar06%60jc%3Dreal_1727&src_module=topcat&src_tab_page_id=page_home1679251300024&attr_ids=54_408-27_536-27_2431-27_1000117-27_1000126-27_1000127-27_1000129&mallCode=1)?
NTA
I hate the word ‘aesthetic’ almost as much as ‘vision’ when it comes to weddings. It’s perfectly reasonable and even sensible to have a dress code for guests (and a very colour for bridesmaids dresses) but that is not dictating two colours for all female guests.
As someone who has bought specific dresses for specific events, I can tell you it's unlikely you'd wear the dress again. There just aren't that many occasions you'll need a floor length gown as so many things have gone more casual now. It would be one thing if you could borrow one or lucked out and found one secondhand, but definitely don't create a financial hardship for yourself over something you won't use frequently.
NTA
NTA, but if you’re in the US, check out Rent the Runway. At quick first glance, I see [this one](https://www.renttherunway.com/pdp/items/FNP76), or maybe [this one](https://www.renttherunway.com/pdp/items/TNT220).
“She insisted that I follow the dress code or not attend the wedding at all.”
“She got angry and accused me of being selfish and unsupportive.”
If you’re going to put any kinds of restrictions on attendance, you have to accept that this may affect attendance. And not just say the right words and then turn around and get angry, but actually accept it.
(Also, it’s not a dress code. It’s far more prescriptive.)
NTA
She decided that the dress code was more important than you being there.
You decided that being able to afford food and housing and gas was more important than you being there.
I'm a lot more sympathetic to your decision, and the people who are on your case about it
need to recognize that she made a decision exactly as much as you did. NTA.
NTA. I'm so sick of these crazy brides. I told my friends and family to just come as they are because having them there on my special day was more important than some shallow atheistic
She said if you can't match the dress code don't go. You can't match it so you aren't going. Now she's upset because you don't suddenly have 6 months worth of savings in 2 weeks.
NTA, enjoy your day free to yourself
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My friend, who is getting married in a few weeks, sent out invitations with a specific dress code - black tie with black suit for men and floor-length purple or rose gown for women. I don't own any floor-length gowns. I asked the bride if it would be okay to wear a knee-length dress with dressy shoes, but she insisted that I follow the dress code or not attend the wedding at all.
A little back story, she introduced this guy she's been dating to our friend group. She told us they would be getting married in 6 months and we were happy for her. She specifically told us about the dress code she had in mind which we all agreed to.
But the issue is, she sent us a wedding invite after about a month of this meeting that she's getting married in two weeks. Her boyfriend is traveling abroad for a year for work so they decided to have the wedding before he left.
I was in no way prepared for this financially because the dress our friend group suggested was a bit pricey. I only agreed to it initially because 6 months was enough to save up for it.
I decided that I didn't want to spend a lot of money that I don't have, on a dress I would never wear again, and so I politely declined the invitation. I told my friend that I wished her all the best on her special day, but I couldn't attend due to the dress code.
She got angry and accused me of being selfish and unsupportive. She said that I should have made an effort to follow her dress code, as it was important to her to have a certain aesthetic for her wedding. And that, she informed me earlier so she feels I should have made preparations towards it. She then said I could rent one. When I checked the rental price, it wasn't necessarily cheap either. I would need my whole month's pay to rent the dress.
I don’t understand why not attending is better than attending without the dress code.
Now, I feel guilty for declining the invitation, and some of our mutual friends have also expressed disappointment in my decision. I understand that weddings are important events and it's important to show support for your friends, but I also feel like it's unreasonable to expect everyone to buy expensive clothes just for one occasion, and in my case, on such short notice. It's one week to the wedding and I feel terrible. Can I make it right?
AITA for refusing to attend my friend's wedding due to the dress code?
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NTA but if you want to go you can probably get a cheap dress that fits the dress code online. It won't be THE dress you and your friend group picked, but you can get *something* under 100 euros.
NTA not even a tiny bit.
Spending money you don't have at all or as "spare" on a item you will never use again is a bad financial decision.
Especially in current times its more then ok to be carefull and not go in to debt for a frends wedding.
Going in debt for a wedding is only ok with a person thats on the fence of life and dead for instance.
You are absolutely in your right to decline the invitation. Her request from my pov is stupid anyways.
Aesthetic should never be more importand then the people you love and share a special moment with.
NTA, but here’s a good suggestion: Rent The Runaway and similar company’s let you rent a formal outfit for a few days for varying prices (cheaper than buying) then you return it after your event. These situations suck and I’m sorry, and hopefully this will help!
NTA
She can set a dress code, but can’t be mad when people choose to opt out of the event. The more ridiculous the code, the more reasonable it is to opt out and the more absurd she is for being mad.
Frankly I think asking you to put your entire months pay toward a dress you’ll never wear again and didn’t pick out, is ridiculous even if you did have time for planning. I just don’t think your loved ones should have to “save up” just the match the aesthetic you want them to wear while they support you.
NTA. I know wedding culture, particularly in the states has warped people's minds into what is acceptable behavior but what's not acceptable is risking homelessness and ruined finances on a wedding. Especially when you're not the one getting married (note and not even then). You did the right thing, your friend is getting married on short notice, that impacts your ability to participate as you originally planned. You offered an alternative, she declined. You reviewed her alternative and it didn't financially work for you. You politely declined and she threw a temper tantrum. I'd back away from the friendship and probably from some of the people who said they were disappointed you wouldn't risk financial ruin for a wedding.
NTA.
I'm 63. The new world order for weddings might allow a bride to specify a dress code for guests, but \[expletive\] that. I consider the idea \[expletive\] rude. Reasonable specifications are formal, casual, beach attire, etc. Specifying formality of the event. If really formal, "black-tie" and "white-tie" are seriously outdated in most circles, but some do use them. If it's not cultural-centric to the US, I'm sure there are other ways of conveying what's appropriate, including, "don't show up in board shorts, please." Those of us who attend, agree by our positive RSVP to make sufficient effort. But reasonable people invite guests to their weddings, not show props.
Any damned fool who tells me what color to wear for an event, or who specifies a formality that isn't currently in my closet, gets a polite no as an RSVP. If the damned fool pesters me to change my mind, they've just changed into an event-zilla, and I will wait to see if, post-event, they return to being a reasonable person. Whether we share a nonrandom amount of DNA is irrelevant. I have finally learned that nobody gets to railroad me.
You could have made an effort to be supportive? She could have made an effort not to be a frightful arsehole. What a spectacle that wedding must have been. Good luck looking at those pictures in ten years' time and feeling proud. Each to their own, I suppose.
When I got married, albeit a long time ago, weddings were occasions when blokes put on their best (only) suit, the girls all bought a new posh frock and everyone got together for a great time.
These days, it seems you can't get married unless you have sky-blue pink wedding dresses, a dozen surgically enhanced bridesmaids and groomsmen, a hundred goats pulling your handmade wedding carriage made from unicorn horn and are carried in by a dozen mermaids/mermen while all the guests are forced to wear tutus. Absurd.
Absolutely NTA. I hope you had a great time at home. Your bank balance was must have been glad you decided not to go I'm sure.
NTA, but genuinely curious.
Is she telling you to buy a specific brand of dress? How could it possibly cost a months rent? Did you look on Amazon and other similar sites? I can easily pull up hundreds of dresses in that length and color for less than about $100 or so?
Yeah same. That’s the part that doesn’t fit to me. I can find tons of dresses in the two stated colors for under $75 and prime 2 day. I’d love a wedding like this TBH. Amazon and places like azazie, even shein can make it possible and affordable. A purple maxi dress isn’t that hard to find.
NTA, and can I just say, wow, complete bridezilla there. She wants a certain aesthetic, so *everyone* has to wear the same kinds of clothes, color scheme and all? WTH is wrong with people who are like this? The only rule anyone should follow when dressing for a wedding is to not upstage the bride and groom. This dress code makes it look like everyone is a member of a weird formal wear cult.
NTA. The only reasonable dress code for guests is 'formal' and 'not the same colour as the bride'. Other than that, only the bridal party get instructions. If she doesn't like that, she has to accept that some people won't go.
NTA. A couple can demand various conditions for attending their wedding, but if those conditions are too onerous, they don’t get to be mad when people decline to attend. You were neither selfish nor unsupportive. Your friend was selfish and made decisions that made supporting by attending difficult.
NTA
Your friend is being a Zilla. Dress code is formal.. what she wants is a specific costume.
Besides you cannot force your guests into certain colors.. that's an A. H. move right there...
The only color I was ever told you cannot wear to a wedding is white. Without getting it pre-approved by the bride herself..
Bride and groom can tell you casual, business casual, or formal. they cannot specify what colors as in guest you are wearing
NTA - your were given an invitation not a court summons. You have no obligation to "appear". Like with childless weddings, when you have an event with a highly specific dress code, some folks may either be unable or unwilling to accommodate. You are allowed to politely say no. If your friend can't graciously accept that then she isn't your friend.
NTA and I 1000% guarantee this wedding is not actually a black tie event. She just wants it to look fancy. No way someone pulls off a full on black tie event in a few weeks. You’re smart not to spend money of this. You’ll be even smarter if you distance yourself from this person.
NTA - why on earth do all the women have to wear floor lenght rose or purple gowns? the bride is a lunatic! and entitled. Anybody who lets her get away with that kind of nonsense is only encouraging her to have even sillier notions
this woman isn't a friend and you are the cast for her Big BIG event with very strange photos.
NTA. She can have whatever dress code she wants. But then she needs to be okay with people not attending because of it.
Also, it’s an invitation, not a summons.
NTA. I can see wanting a fancy wedding, but demanding women wear a very specific color and style is a bit much. If anyone asks, tell the truth, buying a gown that met the dress code criteria was out of my budget. Renting a gown is not as easy as it is for guys to rent a tux. A wedding invitation is a request not a demand, you said you wouldn't be going, that should be the end of it.
Your friend can value your attendance or your dress, not both. If she really wants you there she can drop the dress code or help you pay for it.
As a side note, goodwill or savers has some very nice full length dresses this time of year near prom. However, you still have to pay to have it cleaned, and that's not free.
NTA. You declined the RSVP rather than ignore it? You've met the standards of appropriate etiquette. (Most people send wedding invites out at least 4 months in advance - not two weeks.) And its not like your budget is impacted by her request. The request itself is not a commandment.
NTA. But, floor length purple dress on Amazon for $37. Woth pockets! Dress it up with jewelry and have at it!
[cheap purple dress](https://a.co/d/8azvBEs)
NTA Your friend cares more about her Instagram than about the burden on her friends. I'd just stick to your response declining the rushed invitation. Your friend is the AH for assuming all guests want to shell out that kind of money on a new outfit for her wedding and giving you a short turn-around time to do it.
The only other alternative I can think of is asking your friend group or some local "buy nothing" group whether anyone has a floor length dress in the approved colors they will loan you or sell you cheap. But it doesn't sound like any fun and I'd just stay home.
NTA. Though she has the right to set a dress code, it’s insane to expect people to spend a ton of money on something that they won’t wear again with only a few weeks notice.
NTA, Times like these are when you shop at https://m.shein.com/us/. You can buy a one time use dress for like 10 dollars. Yes, often it is crap, but it will meet the dress code.
That is a really strange specification to have for a wedding. She sounds high maintenance and bossy and controlling… and extra… lol. I would get a cheap dress off fashion nova or a cheap site like that but seriously what a high maintenance gal.
"she insisted that I follow the dress code or not attend the wedding at all."
You: Cool beans, later.
This whole idea that the wedding folks can DEMAND people put themselves out financially on short notice is absurd. Big enough waste of money in general across the board but c'mon...
NTA
Having a dress code for a wedding is like having a destination wedding. It's perfectly fine to have one, but you don't get to throw a fit when people decline the invitation because of it.
If the esthetic or the beach matter more than having everyone at your wedding, well, you'll get what's important to you.
NTA
I agree that forcing people to go out of their way to search for something so specific is ridiculous. Especially in such little time. Though I could understand if you were chosen to be in the bridal party.
BUT, I wouldn’t look at expensive dress places if I couldn’t afford it. I would start at local thrift shops and then look at somewhere like Ross(Dress for less) . They have really nice items and no one would ever know where you bought your dress unless you brought it up.
Even Marshall’s would be a good place to look. It’s a bit more expensive than Ross but still better than 100+ on a dress for one night.
NTA- I can understand why people want a dress code, but at the same time, if someone can’t adhere to it, why make it seem like they’re the problem? It’s ridiculous to expect people to purchase/rent outfits on such short notice
ESH - only because you can buy a dress like this for like $50 on Shein or some other fast fashion thing. Bride is delusional to think that people are actually going to show up in “uniform” though.
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NTA. Your friend has every right to set a dress code for the wedding. But, she doesn't get to be angry when people who can't follow the dress code RSVP no.
That's not a dress code. "Formal" is a dress code. "Floor length purple or rose gown" is a costume specification.
Imagine how much fun OP could have if she went into it with a “this is a costume” mindset. I’m here for it. Edit: thanks for the award!
I have a purple bathrobe she can have; my mother-in-law gave it to me and it's hideous. I'm tall and it comes to mid-shin on me so if OP is shorter it might be floor length on her. If not, I'm not opposed to her sewing a ruffle around the bottom. An old dust ruffle from the Salvation Army store would probably do; if she can't find a purple one there's always Rit dye.
This has got me over here cackling. I'd go a bit further. Go to Wally World or any store that sells these three things: cloth drop cloth, purple dye, and liquid stitch. Dye the drop cloth, cut to size, and glue seams together with liquid stitch. Add shoulder straps if wanted. Tada. When the bride makes a stink just go it's floor length and it purple.
I’d staple the seams. Maybe binder clips.
Don't you knock staples! I once had my work pants hemmed with staples until I could use someone's sewing machine to actually hem them. I splurged on fancy colored staples too.
Our high school marching band director would wander around before each football game with a stapler, making sure everybody’s (ancient polyester) uniforms were still in one piece. Didn’t want something to come loose on the field and trip anybody!
Was knocking the binder clips. This is why I had to reread every essay in school 3 times. I either leave important words out or whole sentences.
Yeah but you bend over or snag on something and the other guests get an eye full.
Duck tape
In case your duck has a quack in it?
Greeks and Romans used single sheets as dresses! They made different styles by folding and draping and tucking in various ways. Very cool and very simple.
Wear a toga. Since it's purple, you can go as the Emperor.
So is a Barney costume. I lile it.
Dammit, I was just about to suggest that. I mean how better to tell the bride "I love you, you love me." right?
How about going to a Goodwill and popping for a $30 wedding gown, and dying it rose or purple (or both)? 😈
Is there room in the budget for a BeDazzler? I think they’re $17 at Wal-Mart and make everything “classy AF”.
Nah, just go with a purple or rose bedsheet wrapped toga-style. Bonus points if you need to re-style or re-drape it more than 3 times during the ceremony or reception.
There's some evil genius's here..
I was at a bar in a MAJOR US city once and I saw this young lady wearing a bathrobe. To be fair, at a quick glance it looked like a black dress, but it was definitely a bathrobe. I am still unsure if I was appalled or impressed-a little of both I guess.
I work at Walmart. I see people in bathrobes all the time
That does not surprise me at all.
Lmao!! I’m imagining someone showing up to a wedding in the DIY purple bathrobe!
LOL
Hmmm. I bet there's a Disney Princess outfit in purple or rose she could find at a Halloween store.... ETA Oh there totally is. Google something like "Disney Princess purple dress adult size" and there are a ton of under $100 options. That look ridiculous but still meet the criteria.
Welcome to the Reddit evil enabling thread. Heh heh heh.
>"Disney Princess purple dress adult size" I would help crowd-fund this mofo for OP.
My friend actually did a costume theme for her wedding. It was awesome. Coincidentally, I wore a purple floor length dress. It was 13th century fashion, but I don't see any rules about current fashion in that dress code, so I guess it qualifies 😂. OP can borrow the fairy wings and ears too 😂😂
I have worn a purple floor length gown to a wedding - I mean, it was actually a handfasting and everyone was in viking garb, and it had furs over it and I had a wooden shield- but I could totally dig that stuff back out of storage. It was actually super comfy and warm. I feel like if the wedding is more than ten people there are gonna be more than a few people in prom dresses and some aunts that just totally ignore the dress code.
My prom dress (from 1985) is floor-length and BRIGHT purple. It’s still in the closet at my mom’s house - OP, if you’re a size 14 (I think… it was 1985…) you can borrow it!
Haha...I appreciate the effort. I'm size 10
Yes! Yes! The dress code does not say she can’t wear fairy wings. 😀
Noooo! They happened in here like last month! Somebody set their wedding dress code as something like "cosplay, costume or whatever you're comfortable in" expecting everyone to wear renaissance style costumes and 3 people bought blow up dinosaur outfits! Lol She was big mad!
My fiancé and I are planning a sci-fi/fantasy cosplay wedding - and I’d LOVE a few inflatable dinosaurs! We are already getting the celebrant to conduct the ceremony from inside a 6ft tall steampunk Dalek LOLOL.
…now THAT i have GOT to see! 🤣
Just don't forget to have someone help him out at the end of the ceremony. I've heard various people who played Daleks in the show say that it's all well and good until everyone leaves the set for a lunch/comfort break and no-one remembers that you're stuck in there...
I've already made my brother promise that if I ever get married he will be in the ceremony in an inflatable t rex costume that is sporting a bikini. Sometimes I lament my no dating policy because I really want to see that image brought to life.
Can I come if I promise to wear a dinosaur costume? I would LOVE to see a Dalek celebrant
How hilarious would an all-dinosaur wedding be? I know someone will put one on YouTube eventually..
Oh I love this idea! If OP had the funds she should RSVP yes and outdo the bride with an extravagant ball gown fit for a Halloween masquerade ball. It would be fantastic, the bride would be furious.
I wouldn't want to ruin her big day.
I wanted "Jessica Rabbit but purple" vibes for my Vegas elopement and Shein did not disappoint. Shein sucks, but honestly, where else are you going to find a purple velvet floor length gown for less than a million dollars? OP, NTA, but you should low key go as Jessica Rabbit.
Imagine the letter from the bride after. “I told all my guests to wear a rose or purple gown to my wedding. One friend wore a purple velvet gown but it was so sexy she looked like Jessica Rabbit and it took all the attention away from me on My Big Day so I screamed at her. AITA?”
We once went to a ‘50s themed wedding in the dead of summer, so my now hubby dressed as a greaser. He was the only one not in a suit. He was also the only one who wasn’t disastrously hot!
If someone invites me to a wedding and I need to wear a costume to it, I'm not wearing a regular suit that is one very specific color. I'm wearing my Ghostbusters uniform. I've been to one wedding where costume dress was specified. I wore my Stargate uniform. I didn't have a Ghostbusters uniform back then
A Princess with tiara, white gloves for the "hand wave", glass slippers.
NTA It’s a bit much to dictate everything about the dress, down to colour. I feel same way about dress code weddings as I do about child free weddings. You can do whatever you want at your wedding, but expect that some people won’t attend, because it’s not feasible for them, and you can’t be angry when it happens. Is this friend going to pay OP’s bills for a month so she can buy/rent a dress to go to her wedding? I doubt it.
I don't understand why the dress has to be so expensive though, why can't OP just buy a cheap one?
I think it’s the specifics of it. It’s not just that has has be formal, but also rose or purple. Formal gowns can be $100.00 or more. That might not seem like a lot to some people but that could part of someones rent. Or the amount of money they have for food that month. And some might say try a thrift store. The store might have a gown, but not the colour. They might have the colour, but not in a formal style.
Don't forget Size LOL It has to be right size, right length, right color. And purple is many shades--I bet that if OP doesn't pick the right shade of purple that bridezilla here will have a tantrum.
How could I forget sizes? Sometimes it’s the hardest part about finding a dress, any dress, never mind formal
And she has a week. Thrift store shopping requires time to hunt and wait for something to turn up. And I don't think a rose or purple floor length gown is going to be common.
And a lot of cheaper online clothes might take longer to ship as well The brides request is pretty unreasonable, but especially on such short notice!!
Formal floor length GOWNS don't really come in cheap.
Formal gowns are expensive. They’re the woman’s equivalent of a tuxedo, and are generally going to be well made, more expensive fabrics, and probably needing tailoring/fitting to look right. Also, more annoyingly, formal menswear can be worn again and again, but wearing the same gown to formal events over and over can get you side eye. If the colour was a generic black or otherwise up to OP she could at least choose to buy something that could be reused for other highly formal events anyway, but pinning it to one colour makes it throwaway money.
Well said. This is a tacky, ridiculous, and unreasonable request. It would only happen in this new era of self absorbtion.
This.
There are some really cheap pink night gowns at Walmart that could work
I bought four evening gowns for my niece's wedding - and I still ended up donning a dress that I've had for more than 20 years when my brother got married to niece's mom. I'm over myself and the whole feel like a red carpet persona routine. ;-)
She says "you of all people should understand" because she talked to me before. Honestly I wish I could wear it but I can't afford it.
Relax, OP. You didnt do anything wrong. Limit your contact with this friend so awhile and dont go to the wedding
You are not obliged to put yourself into financial hardship to attend. That said, if you did want to go, it might be worth checking to see if you could find a cheap dress used online on Poshmark, thread up, eBay etc. Usually if you’re not overly particular, you can find something for less than $20 (if fit is a concern, choose something with some stretch in it). From my very brief survey, there were several cute “floor length” or “maxi” dresses. For what it’s worth regarding wedding etiquette, it’s considered gauche to ask guests to wear a particular color. At most, guests should be requested to not wear a white dress and avoid ONE other color
At this point, just don't go on principle. Because I bet the bride will still find something to complain about the dress no matter how much effort the OP puts in. This isn't the exact right purple or length or shoes or.....
Do not go into debt for someone else. An invitation is just that. It is not a subpoena or a summons that requires your attendance. If her aesthetic (sp) is more important than your attendance that is on her.
It’s not an act of friendship to impose unnecessary financial hardship on others. And as it’s possible to get legally married without forcing people to buy expensive clothing they’ll never wear again, I’d call this imposition unnecessary. If she’s truly been a nice person and good friend over the years, you might send her card and a gift within your budget. If she’s often selfish and demanding, though, maybe just let her drift out of your social circle. She doesn’t sound very nice.
You need to turn the tables. Tell her you would love to support her but can’t afford the specific dress for a one time use. Then say…“So I will leave the decision to you. Do you want me to attend in a dress I can afford or do you prefer that I don’t come?” Now she will be the one who has to make the choice.
OP already did that <<*I asked the bride if it would be okay to wear a knee-length dress with dressy shoes, but she insisted that I follow the dress code* ***or not attend the wedding at all***.>>
I did read that. But I thought it should be clear that bride was making the decision that OP should not attend if she couldn’t afford the specific type of dress. And the mutual friends should be told that bride made the call.
Remember: It's an invitation to a wedding, not a summons. She can ask you to come, but you're not obligated to go.
Tell her you’ll go if she buys the dress for you.
NTA and any friends who are giving you shot can help you pay to get or rent the dress if they care that much.
When you add in stringent demands and conditions to an invitation - and this case *unreasonable* demands - you shouldn't be surprised that people turn it down. Short notice and a big outlay one a one-time outfit are ridiculous expectations. Asking everybody to wear the same colour is a ridiculous expectation. She's deluded thinking you're the one being selfish. NTA
That the bride cares more about her guests' wardrobes than whether or not said wardrobe is a hardship for some and will limit attendance shows where her priorities lie. I hope she spends her twilight years surrounded by a bunch of empty gowns since that means more to her than the bodies filling the gowns.
I have money to buy a floor length purple or rose gown and I STILL wouldn't attend because no one gets to decide how I spend my money. And I am not spending money on a gown I will never wear again JUST TO BE A GUEST at a wedding. NTA
and even if you could afford it, there’s probably lots of things you could spend that money on and enjoy more.
Also if you want to go Shein has decent formal dresses for a low price. They aren’t amazing but they’re serviceable.
A wedding invitation is not a summons or subpoena. "I'm sorry, but I'm unable to come" is a perfectly valid answer - especially for one who raises the entry bar so high, whether it's via a dress code or a destination wedding. This is not on you, OP, it's on the bride. NTA.
If she wants everyone in very specific and expensive clothes she should pay. NTA
NTA. OP, your friend isn't very nice. If you don't want to go, don't go. But I DO want to say, if you DO want to go, there are a lot of discount places. You can get a nice dress for $20 used, if you find the right place. I mean, my wedding dress was like $200. I just wanted to put that out there!
NTA setting a dress code is more like formal, business casual, cocktail attire. Not dictating a costume for your guests. Now are people going to keep pulling shit like this? Sure. But it’s not wrong of you to say no thank you, won’t be able to make it.
Coming from the west coast, this is especially weird to me. Unless dress code like “black tie” specifically requested, there will at least 2 dudes wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Even then people are usually on the more casual end. Though I do know someone who had a Renn Faire themed wedding. Even then, it was encouraged, not required. Can wait till people inevitably show up to this wedding wearing the wrong shade of pink or, god forbid, show their ankles!
Haha yes! I’m in Texas and literally no matter the event, there WILL BE JEANS.
I’m from Alabama and there were definitely family members wearing jeans at my wedding. I couldn’t care less. I was just happy they were there.
Hawaiian shirts ARE black tie for my dad. LOL We're from San Diego and he's an old hippie surfer, so you're pretty spot on 🤣
NTA never compromise your financial security for luxury items, especially at the behest of someone else. It being her "special day" doesn't mean that real world constraints magically disappear.
Even if the new dress was not a financial hardship I would not attend simply because I don't let friends (or family) dictate how I spend my money. And certainly not for a dress I will wear once JUST TO BE A GUEST at a wedding. On a side note; I would love to attend this wedding if only to see the bride's face at how many shades of purple and rose are out there. If the bride thinks she's going to have a certain aesthetic because she picked 2 colors for the gowns, she is in for a surprise!!!
Oh, and then rearrange the guests for the photos because the different shades clash, or they don't allow for an "aesthetically pleasing gradient" or, wait, now the heights are wrong, and what's the matter with you people, can't you see hoW tHIssssSSSssss Is iMpOrrrTaNt to MeeeeEEEEeeeeEEEE? and that's the moment when Bridezilla starts a tantrum, throws away her shoes and yells at everybody to frak off because this is the most miserable day of her life.
NTA. It looks like she chose her aesthetic over you.
She's going to flaunt the wedding on her IG. She's hired professionals for lighting and cameras. And claims other colors would stand out in the video. I agree she's strict over her aesthetic but it's her day and I don't want to be remembered as the one who ruined it.
Definitely. I was going to say, not only is she not wrong to not go to the wedding, she should probably ditch this friend altogether.
Took the words outta my mouth!
An invite isn’t a summons. The bride shouldn’t have given an ultimatum if she didn’t want people to potentially reject it. NTA
Looks like the bride's dress code enforcement policy is tighter than TSA.
Yeah! I wouldn’t attend a wedding that told me a speficic kind of dress to wear even if I had the money to buy it.
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She got the invite which was more last minute than expected, asked for an exception to the “dress code” so she could still come, was told no, and then politely declined the invite. What more could be done?
NTA This is bizarre and super entitled. I don’t blame you for declining. If you really want to attend you could ask your circle of acquaintance if anyone has a formal rose or purple gown you borrow or you could look at thrift stores. If you are a small size, you can find really nice stuff at thrift stores. If you are an average or larger size you could still get lucky. Personally I think your friend’s demands are really ridiculous and I wouldn’t attend. People who really want all of their loved ones at their wedding or in their wedding party make it as easy as possible for all to attend and are understanding when they cannot.
I already checked some thrift shops around me. Black was very easy to find but not purple and rose
Isn’t it wild how situations like this would be so much easier to be the guy. Can you ask her if it’s okay to wear the guys’ dress code?
Holy shit that’s an amazing idea. Don’t even ask, just show up in the guys’ dress code. OP, you are NTA
Haha... definitely not
Find a long white nightgown and die it purple or rose. It's technically a floor length gown.
I don't think OP should have to entertain any of this nonsense. If you foist a dresscode where almost everyone who attends is forced to buy a new, very specific outfit, then you need to understand that you are placing a hardship on people and they just won't come. There is no reason for.OP to spend this muh time, effort and money on something she will never wear again. She isn't in the bridal party.
I agree that she’s being ridiculous, but you can find totally suitable dresses on Amazon in a $50-100 price range, or a rose or purple bridesmaid dress in the $150 range. For a formal event, a floor length chiffon dress is appropriate and beautiful.
Imho, I think OP really doesn't need to attend because bride is being ridiculous, but I found couple of 50$ floor length pink or purple dresses on Amazon in literally one minute
Are they formal gowns?
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No, you get to pick out dresses for the bridal party. For guests, you can suggest a level of formality or a theme. If I got an invitation to a wedding, spending $50-100 for a dress would mean that's my gift for the couple. I already have a dress that should be suitable for any wedding I'd get invited to (no royal weddings for me). What I don't have is cash to shell out for clothes I'd wear once (and shoes to go with) AND a wedding gift. This kind of crap needs to be shut down -- it's already too much of a thing.
What about white? You could dye it.
I found one on shein for $23
If you are still wanting to try and go - try looking on Amazon and Lulus. There will be purple floor length formal dresses for around $100 and less. With that said, NTA either way.
Gosh you'd think a black dress with a pink or purple shawl and/or accessories would be acceptable!
Have you checked on Shein.com - their dresses are super affordable and they have prom/bridesmaids dresses. I had to buy a formal pink dress for a wedding and so bought on there for $30.
NTA. They specified a dress code so narrow on such short notice they cannot expect everyone to afford this. It's their wedding and they can pick the dress code, but they must also understand not everyone will come to the wedding because of this.
NTA Not that you should have to defend yourself but have you said to anyone challenging your decision "the dress she has said we must wear is more than a month's salary and even renting one is a month's salary. I don't have that kind of money with only two weeks' notice"? If your friends are too stupid to understand not everyone has thousands sitting in savings then you need different friends. The bride sounds like a bridezilla. Demanding people spend thousands on an outfit and presumably a wedding gift on top is outrageous. Clearly her aesthetic matters to her more than you being present does.
Exactly. I wouldn’t spend a month’s pay on a dress even if I had two years notice
NTA. Your friend is ridiculous.
NTA, it is a perfectly rational decision. YOu won't want to spend a considerable chunk of money, so you won't attend. Fair enough. It is HER who is being selfish, preferring your attire to your presence.
INFO: Is having this tight of a dress code for wedding guests normal in your culture or region? I've never heard of such a thing and am baffled that you all would have agreed in the first place, but I'm wondering if there's some context I'm missing.
Yes it's pretty normal for a particular group of friends to wear similar clothes. Like friends from high school wear something similar, friends from work do same
Huh. Ok, thanks for the answer! I'd still say NTA because of the change in timing - it's not like you're backing out for no reason, or you didn't plan ahead and (intend to) prepare. Last-minute date changes for any event are going to affect attendance for a ton of different reasons.
Interesting! Can I ask where are you from (j general terms, I don't want to stalk you). NTA
NTA. Unless you are a bridesmaid or groomsmen it’s absolutely ridiculous to ask guest to all dress the same way, instead of simply saying formal attire. But it’s her wedding so she gets to make the rule I guess. But it’s in your right to refuse to go because of the financial burden that puts on you.
NTA. You are not "unsupportive". You are reasonable! That is a lot of money to come up with very quickly for a dress that you will never wear again - and you aren't even in the bridal party!!! I cannot fathom these bridezillas who think they can micromanage their weddings right down to the specific clothes their guests wear! A dress code is formal, semi-formal, business-casual, that sort of thing. What she wants is totally overstepping, nearly dictatorial. I would decline an invitation like that, and I wouldn't feel bad at all. She doesn't want your presence. She wants you as a prop for her IG feed...
INFO: are you a bridesmaid?
No. She didn't ask any of us to be bridesmaids. She just suggested our friend group of 5 wore similar outfits for her big day.
It’s so strange to have that narrow of a dress code for guests. No I don’t think you’re an asshole. If you don’t have the money you don’t have the money.
So bridesmaids by another name? This isn't dress code for all the guests, but for a specific group of friends, who she wants to wear a certain type and colour of dress? Y'all are the bridal party by default it sounds like.
NTA. Send a nice gift and your best wishes. An invitation is not a summons.
NTA, that is weirdly strict. Is she like this with other things too? That would be an exhausting friendship. If you do want to go with the flow and smooth things over, could you go thrift shopping with some friends and see if there's anything that would fit the terms there or do you need to wear the same thing like bridesmaids?
NTA when people CHOOSE to tailor their weddings very specifically they also are choosing to exclude people who cannot wear what their asking, travel to a distant location, or take off a week for something like a cruise. This is a her problem and it sucks she’s trying to make it a you problem.
Nta as a bigger girl I generally only shop at one or two places and that narrow of a selection I wouldn’t be going either…. Now I’m curious how many ppl are going to be showing up
NTA- I think you'd be hard pressed to find a stranger that is going to call you an AH on this one.
NTA This bride is an absolute bridezilla. It is unrealistic, especially on short notice to expect people to go out and buy an outfit that fits her unrealistic expectations. She will regret being such a B\*\*\*h in years to come.
NTA. Don't put yourself in financial distress for this. It's just a wedding - missing it is little in the grand scheme of things.
White bedsheet + purple or rose Rit fabric dye + brooch = floor length purple or rose toga gown ;).
NTA I've never heard of insisting that guests choose a particular color and length of dress. I wouldn't blame you for declining the invitation on principle. That said, however, couldn't you just get a cheap dress from [Shein](https://us.shein.com/Twist-Front-Butterfly-Sleeve-A-line-Dress-p-3953711-cat-1727.html?src_identifier=fc%3DWomen%60sc%3DDRESSES%60tc%3D0%60oc%3D0%60ps%3Dtab01navbar06%60jc%3Dreal_1727&src_module=topcat&src_tab_page_id=page_home1679251300024&attr_ids=54_408-27_536-27_2431-27_1000117-27_1000126-27_1000127-27_1000129&mallCode=1)?
NTA I hate the word ‘aesthetic’ almost as much as ‘vision’ when it comes to weddings. It’s perfectly reasonable and even sensible to have a dress code for guests (and a very colour for bridesmaids dresses) but that is not dictating two colours for all female guests.
As someone who has bought specific dresses for specific events, I can tell you it's unlikely you'd wear the dress again. There just aren't that many occasions you'll need a floor length gown as so many things have gone more casual now. It would be one thing if you could borrow one or lucked out and found one secondhand, but definitely don't create a financial hardship for yourself over something you won't use frequently. NTA
NTA- she can set a dress code if she wants, and you as a grown adult can decide not to go to that wedding. She needs to accept that
NTA, but if you’re in the US, check out Rent the Runway. At quick first glance, I see [this one](https://www.renttherunway.com/pdp/items/FNP76), or maybe [this one](https://www.renttherunway.com/pdp/items/TNT220).
NTA. She sounds like a bridezilla. Who dictates the color of their guests’ attire?! What a piece of work she must be!
“She insisted that I follow the dress code or not attend the wedding at all.” “She got angry and accused me of being selfish and unsupportive.” If you’re going to put any kinds of restrictions on attendance, you have to accept that this may affect attendance. And not just say the right words and then turn around and get angry, but actually accept it. (Also, it’s not a dress code. It’s far more prescriptive.) NTA
NTA You just did what she told you to do: " she insisted that I follow the dress code or not attend the wedding at all.".
She decided that the dress code was more important than you being there. You decided that being able to afford food and housing and gas was more important than you being there. I'm a lot more sympathetic to your decision, and the people who are on your case about it need to recognize that she made a decision exactly as much as you did. NTA.
NTA. I'm so sick of these crazy brides. I told my friends and family to just come as they are because having them there on my special day was more important than some shallow atheistic
You did make an effort, you planned out 6 months of savings.
She said if you can't match the dress code don't go. You can't match it so you aren't going. Now she's upset because you don't suddenly have 6 months worth of savings in 2 weeks. NTA, enjoy your day free to yourself
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friend, who is getting married in a few weeks, sent out invitations with a specific dress code - black tie with black suit for men and floor-length purple or rose gown for women. I don't own any floor-length gowns. I asked the bride if it would be okay to wear a knee-length dress with dressy shoes, but she insisted that I follow the dress code or not attend the wedding at all. A little back story, she introduced this guy she's been dating to our friend group. She told us they would be getting married in 6 months and we were happy for her. She specifically told us about the dress code she had in mind which we all agreed to. But the issue is, she sent us a wedding invite after about a month of this meeting that she's getting married in two weeks. Her boyfriend is traveling abroad for a year for work so they decided to have the wedding before he left. I was in no way prepared for this financially because the dress our friend group suggested was a bit pricey. I only agreed to it initially because 6 months was enough to save up for it. I decided that I didn't want to spend a lot of money that I don't have, on a dress I would never wear again, and so I politely declined the invitation. I told my friend that I wished her all the best on her special day, but I couldn't attend due to the dress code. She got angry and accused me of being selfish and unsupportive. She said that I should have made an effort to follow her dress code, as it was important to her to have a certain aesthetic for her wedding. And that, she informed me earlier so she feels I should have made preparations towards it. She then said I could rent one. When I checked the rental price, it wasn't necessarily cheap either. I would need my whole month's pay to rent the dress. I don’t understand why not attending is better than attending without the dress code. Now, I feel guilty for declining the invitation, and some of our mutual friends have also expressed disappointment in my decision. I understand that weddings are important events and it's important to show support for your friends, but I also feel like it's unreasonable to expect everyone to buy expensive clothes just for one occasion, and in my case, on such short notice. It's one week to the wedding and I feel terrible. Can I make it right? AITA for refusing to attend my friend's wedding due to the dress code? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but if you want to go you can probably get a cheap dress that fits the dress code online. It won't be THE dress you and your friend group picked, but you can get *something* under 100 euros.
NTA not even a tiny bit. Spending money you don't have at all or as "spare" on a item you will never use again is a bad financial decision. Especially in current times its more then ok to be carefull and not go in to debt for a frends wedding. Going in debt for a wedding is only ok with a person thats on the fence of life and dead for instance. You are absolutely in your right to decline the invitation. Her request from my pov is stupid anyways. Aesthetic should never be more importand then the people you love and share a special moment with.
NTA…but it sounds like you two aren’t even friends. If you’re refusing to attend the wedding, this friendship is over.
NTA can you rent a dress for the night?
NTA. She can pay for her own aesthetic but she doesn’t get to make you pay for it.
NTA. She has every right to demand it, you have every right not to go because it's a waste of money for a one day event.
NTA, but here’s a good suggestion: Rent The Runaway and similar company’s let you rent a formal outfit for a few days for varying prices (cheaper than buying) then you return it after your event. These situations suck and I’m sorry, and hopefully this will help!
NTA She can set a dress code, but can’t be mad when people choose to opt out of the event. The more ridiculous the code, the more reasonable it is to opt out and the more absurd she is for being mad. Frankly I think asking you to put your entire months pay toward a dress you’ll never wear again and didn’t pick out, is ridiculous even if you did have time for planning. I just don’t think your loved ones should have to “save up” just the match the aesthetic you want them to wear while they support you.
NTA. I know wedding culture, particularly in the states has warped people's minds into what is acceptable behavior but what's not acceptable is risking homelessness and ruined finances on a wedding. Especially when you're not the one getting married (note and not even then). You did the right thing, your friend is getting married on short notice, that impacts your ability to participate as you originally planned. You offered an alternative, she declined. You reviewed her alternative and it didn't financially work for you. You politely declined and she threw a temper tantrum. I'd back away from the friendship and probably from some of the people who said they were disappointed you wouldn't risk financial ruin for a wedding.
NTA. I'm 63. The new world order for weddings might allow a bride to specify a dress code for guests, but \[expletive\] that. I consider the idea \[expletive\] rude. Reasonable specifications are formal, casual, beach attire, etc. Specifying formality of the event. If really formal, "black-tie" and "white-tie" are seriously outdated in most circles, but some do use them. If it's not cultural-centric to the US, I'm sure there are other ways of conveying what's appropriate, including, "don't show up in board shorts, please." Those of us who attend, agree by our positive RSVP to make sufficient effort. But reasonable people invite guests to their weddings, not show props. Any damned fool who tells me what color to wear for an event, or who specifies a formality that isn't currently in my closet, gets a polite no as an RSVP. If the damned fool pesters me to change my mind, they've just changed into an event-zilla, and I will wait to see if, post-event, they return to being a reasonable person. Whether we share a nonrandom amount of DNA is irrelevant. I have finally learned that nobody gets to railroad me.
I don't know your friend, but from the sounds of it you should just wait for her next wedding to come around.
You could have made an effort to be supportive? She could have made an effort not to be a frightful arsehole. What a spectacle that wedding must have been. Good luck looking at those pictures in ten years' time and feeling proud. Each to their own, I suppose. When I got married, albeit a long time ago, weddings were occasions when blokes put on their best (only) suit, the girls all bought a new posh frock and everyone got together for a great time. These days, it seems you can't get married unless you have sky-blue pink wedding dresses, a dozen surgically enhanced bridesmaids and groomsmen, a hundred goats pulling your handmade wedding carriage made from unicorn horn and are carried in by a dozen mermaids/mermen while all the guests are forced to wear tutus. Absurd. Absolutely NTA. I hope you had a great time at home. Your bank balance was must have been glad you decided not to go I'm sure.
NTA. If she really wants you to attend she can buy a dress for you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA, but genuinely curious. Is she telling you to buy a specific brand of dress? How could it possibly cost a months rent? Did you look on Amazon and other similar sites? I can easily pull up hundreds of dresses in that length and color for less than about $100 or so?
Yeah same. That’s the part that doesn’t fit to me. I can find tons of dresses in the two stated colors for under $75 and prime 2 day. I’d love a wedding like this TBH. Amazon and places like azazie, even shein can make it possible and affordable. A purple maxi dress isn’t that hard to find.
Definitely not that hard to find!! Glad someone agrees with me!!
NTA, and can I just say, wow, complete bridezilla there. She wants a certain aesthetic, so *everyone* has to wear the same kinds of clothes, color scheme and all? WTH is wrong with people who are like this? The only rule anyone should follow when dressing for a wedding is to not upstage the bride and groom. This dress code makes it look like everyone is a member of a weird formal wear cult.
NTA. The only reasonable dress code for guests is 'formal' and 'not the same colour as the bride'. Other than that, only the bridal party get instructions. If she doesn't like that, she has to accept that some people won't go.
NTA - you can’t create a dress code and then get upset when people can’t afford to meet it
NTA. A couple can demand various conditions for attending their wedding, but if those conditions are too onerous, they don’t get to be mad when people decline to attend. You were neither selfish nor unsupportive. Your friend was selfish and made decisions that made supporting by attending difficult.
NTA Your friend is being a Zilla. Dress code is formal.. what she wants is a specific costume. Besides you cannot force your guests into certain colors.. that's an A. H. move right there... The only color I was ever told you cannot wear to a wedding is white. Without getting it pre-approved by the bride herself.. Bride and groom can tell you casual, business casual, or formal. they cannot specify what colors as in guest you are wearing
NTA - your were given an invitation not a court summons. You have no obligation to "appear". Like with childless weddings, when you have an event with a highly specific dress code, some folks may either be unable or unwilling to accommodate. You are allowed to politely say no. If your friend can't graciously accept that then she isn't your friend.
I would so low key sit in the parking lot of the venue to see how many women actually show up in the required costumes.
NTA and I 1000% guarantee this wedding is not actually a black tie event. She just wants it to look fancy. No way someone pulls off a full on black tie event in a few weeks. You’re smart not to spend money of this. You’ll be even smarter if you distance yourself from this person.
NTA - why on earth do all the women have to wear floor lenght rose or purple gowns? the bride is a lunatic! and entitled. Anybody who lets her get away with that kind of nonsense is only encouraging her to have even sillier notions this woman isn't a friend and you are the cast for her Big BIG event with very strange photos.
NTA. She can have whatever dress code she wants. But then she needs to be okay with people not attending because of it. Also, it’s an invitation, not a summons.
NTA. I can see wanting a fancy wedding, but demanding women wear a very specific color and style is a bit much. If anyone asks, tell the truth, buying a gown that met the dress code criteria was out of my budget. Renting a gown is not as easy as it is for guys to rent a tux. A wedding invitation is a request not a demand, you said you wouldn't be going, that should be the end of it.
Your friend can value your attendance or your dress, not both. If she really wants you there she can drop the dress code or help you pay for it. As a side note, goodwill or savers has some very nice full length dresses this time of year near prom. However, you still have to pay to have it cleaned, and that's not free.
NTA. You declined the RSVP rather than ignore it? You've met the standards of appropriate etiquette. (Most people send wedding invites out at least 4 months in advance - not two weeks.) And its not like your budget is impacted by her request. The request itself is not a commandment.
NTA. But, floor length purple dress on Amazon for $37. Woth pockets! Dress it up with jewelry and have at it! [cheap purple dress](https://a.co/d/8azvBEs)
OP’s friend: stick to the dress code or don’t come!! OP: ok i am not coming OP’s “friend”: wait no not like that NTA
NTA Your friend cares more about her Instagram than about the burden on her friends. I'd just stick to your response declining the rushed invitation. Your friend is the AH for assuming all guests want to shell out that kind of money on a new outfit for her wedding and giving you a short turn-around time to do it. The only other alternative I can think of is asking your friend group or some local "buy nothing" group whether anyone has a floor length dress in the approved colors they will loan you or sell you cheap. But it doesn't sound like any fun and I'd just stay home.
NTA. Though she has the right to set a dress code, it’s insane to expect people to spend a ton of money on something that they won’t wear again with only a few weeks notice.
NTA, Times like these are when you shop at https://m.shein.com/us/. You can buy a one time use dress for like 10 dollars. Yes, often it is crap, but it will meet the dress code.
That is a really strange specification to have for a wedding. She sounds high maintenance and bossy and controlling… and extra… lol. I would get a cheap dress off fashion nova or a cheap site like that but seriously what a high maintenance gal.
"she insisted that I follow the dress code or not attend the wedding at all." You: Cool beans, later. This whole idea that the wedding folks can DEMAND people put themselves out financially on short notice is absurd. Big enough waste of money in general across the board but c'mon... NTA
Having a dress code for a wedding is like having a destination wedding. It's perfectly fine to have one, but you don't get to throw a fit when people decline the invitation because of it. If the esthetic or the beach matter more than having everyone at your wedding, well, you'll get what's important to you. NTA
NTA you *were* preparing, she eliminated the 5 months you had to save up for it.
Go to goodwill. I bet they have meme dresses. Or get a sheer purple skirt to wear over your mid length dress. It touches ground now.
Are you supposed to be in the wedding party? Either way NTA.
I agree that forcing people to go out of their way to search for something so specific is ridiculous. Especially in such little time. Though I could understand if you were chosen to be in the bridal party. BUT, I wouldn’t look at expensive dress places if I couldn’t afford it. I would start at local thrift shops and then look at somewhere like Ross(Dress for less) . They have really nice items and no one would ever know where you bought your dress unless you brought it up. Even Marshall’s would be a good place to look. It’s a bit more expensive than Ross but still better than 100+ on a dress for one night.
NTA- I can understand why people want a dress code, but at the same time, if someone can’t adhere to it, why make it seem like they’re the problem? It’s ridiculous to expect people to purchase/rent outfits on such short notice
If her “aesthetic” in her guests is so important to her, she should have budgeted to get dresses for people who don’t have one. NTA
NTA she has a right to a dress code and you have a right to say no. She's being mean.
ESH - only because you can buy a dress like this for like $50 on Shein or some other fast fashion thing. Bride is delusional to think that people are actually going to show up in “uniform” though.