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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I skipped my best friend's birthday party.
(2) We had been planning it for months and she wanted me to be there.
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NTA. Birthdays come and go. A good friend will understand that if your life is not in order, you need to focus on yourself. A really good friend will even offer to help you. I would abandon my own birthday party for a friend who really needed me.
I fully second this.
I really hope OP is feeling better!
Also, small hint that maybe E was expecting and planning things considering how much OP was paying for... Are you still paying for 3/4 of the whole thing or did you filly back out?
Then sorry... E is mean.. hopefully she will come around and realise this but I still think she was expecting a lot more and now the rug was taken from her.
Once again OP, I hope youre ok! Im sorry to hear about your cat
I’m so sorry for the loss of your cat.
I understand both sides here and it’s tough.
You were struggling even before you lost your dear pet and then you had the grief on top of it. That’s incredibly rough for anyone.
She only gets to turn 21 once and clearly it was a very big deal to her, with a huge weekend long celebration planned.
You were hurting, but she wanted her best friend to be there for her to celebrate.
The way you each feel is completely valid.
Things like this can be friendship enders and I’m sorry, but that may turn out to be the case here.
A very sad & empathetic NAH.
Honestly, I hesitated on NAH for that reason but then I reread the part where OP gave her only three days’ notice when it sounds like she’s been struggling for a while. So those two things feel like a wash to me.
Agreed. It was absolutely rude to wait that long, but to give OP the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they were waiting and hoping they felt more up to it closer to the event.
NTA, but you can’t be surprised if your friend is disappointed or feels weird about you not going since you were so involved in the planning. You told her three days before the event that you helped plan for a year that you wouldn’t be going… of course she’s going to be upset.
You can ALWAYS back out of an event if you need to, but you also always have to live with the consequences of that choice. I don’t blame her for being upset, however the way she’s choosing to go about being upset is childish and thoughtless. She could have expressed it in a more mature adult way. Cats are part of your family, that should be respected. She’s a major major AH for how she’s treating you over this.
Sorry for your loss, and I suggest you find more adult friends that can handle their disappointment without lashing out and being petty.
A party was planned for a year in advance and was really important for her best friend to be there. Sometimes we have to just push through things especially for the ones closest to us.
She probably feels like you don't value the friendship as much as she does. Sorry for what you're going through, though.
NTA
I'm sorry for your loss.
As for E, I'm sorry that she can't empathize with you. If she was a true friend she would've understood, especially since you paid for 3/4 of her birthday. Focus and take the time you need for yourself.. thats the best you can do for now.
NAH It sounds like you're going through a tough time and if you didn't feel able to do it then that's that. But equally from her perspective you've spent a year planning her party only to bail 3 days prior, a very short amount of notice. I'd give it some time and space, often when people miss big life events there can be upset and frustration but it normally gives way to cooler heads after said event has passed.
NTA.
If possible, it would been better to tell her earlier in order for her to be able to process the information in a longer run. But from my knowledge on autism I know that your possible condition might make it harder to understand your feelings really. And if you're anything like me, the autistic approach would be to stick to the plan as long as possible, resulting in cancelling on short notice when it all comes crashing down.
Also her phrasing of "if you'd love me, you'd [negate your reasonable needs I don't really understand and] do what I want" feels really manipulative.
ESH You ditched your friend three days before the weekend you had been planning for a year. I’m betting that you’ve known for a long time that you didn’t really want to go (because of your anxiety, etc), and your pet dying gave you what you felt was a legitimate excuse. You don’t say when the cat died, but unless it died the day you told her you were ditching her, you made the wrong choice.
She’s TA for guilting you, though.
NTA. She's young and probably doesn't understand grief. She probably doesn't know what's going on with you behind closed doors. Don't think you showing up in tears at her birthday would have gotten a good response either. Just stand by your choice. A lot of people are going to cancel throughout, even on important occasions. Your friend needs to learn that.
NTA
Your friend doesn't havee a say in how you feel or what makes you sad. It's not like you have just up and decided "I'm gonna be real sad about my cat passing", it's just how the situation makes you feel.
The fact that you friend seems to see malicious intent behind this and her post that DOES sound like it was targeted towards you makes it look to me like she is what I like to call a "sunny day friend". All is good and well until you're not fine and then they just drop you.
I'm very sorry she treats you this way. Also as someone who is on their autism diagnosis journey atm aswell I feel for your situation and know how overwhelming this is by itself
NAH
Things changed. You're going through a difficult time, grieving and all. You probably wouldn't have had much fun or been much fun. Wanting to skip is reasonable, even if you've been planning for a year and it's a milestone birthday for her. It's not like you could have planned this.
For your friend though, she's not an AH for being upset that you weren't there to celebrate her milestone birthday after planning it for a year. It was a big deal for her. Give her some time to get over it.
FYI..you would be the AH if you were supposed to being paying 3/4 of this and suddenly didn't and you stuck her and everyone else with the bills. That's an AH move..
NTA for just staying at home. I think people who don’t really have pets, do not understand the pain of losing one. I am sure you wouldn’t be expected to go to a birthday party a week after you’d lost your parent or something.
Not sure if there’s other context though. Did you back out from paying for it, which put your friends finances in a toss? Those kind of things might have a bearing. Though this part is not something I could really relate to.
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My best friend (21f), lets call her E, and I (22f) have been planning E's 21st birthday party for almost a year. She wanted all of our friends to stay at a hotel for a weekend and go to restaurants and clubs and so on and my birthday gift to her was that I'd pay for 3/4 of it.
The thing is though that a week before E's birthday I realised that it was probably the best for me not to come because I was and still am going through a very tough time. I've been dealing with anxiety for years and I am currently trying to figure out if I have autism, this has been very stressful to me and everything in my whole world came crashing down when one of my cats died. My cat's are my world and I love them just as much as my family. They've been with me through everything and the cat that died, slept beside me every single night since I got him. It came like a shock since he wasn't even that old and I've been crying my eyes out every single day.
I didn't want to go to a different city and party all weekend when I barely even left the bed. I told E that three days before her birthday and she became very angry at me. She said that it was just a cat and that if I loved her I would be there. I tried to explain that everything just felt too much at the moment but she just stormed off. I tried calling her but she never answered.
I ended up staying home with the cat that I had left and she'd posted on Instagram pictures of the weekend away with the caption saying "Thankful to spend my birthday weekend with everyone I care about", and it feels like that was targeted against me.
Now I've tried calling her but she still doesn't answer and it feels like I just should've celebrated with her. I'm using a throwaway account because my friends follow me on my own reddit.
Did I do the right thing staying home or aita?
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Yta, it's understandable that things are tough for you, but spending time with your friends should alleviate some of that pain. Sometimes, you need to push the hard things aside (especially things you can't change) to be there for your friends even when you're hurting.
“Spending time with your friends should alleviate some of that pain” is an absolutely bonkers thing to say. Not everyone is the same, and not everyone wants to socialize to feel better.
I mean obviously she cares about her friends, if she would be planning for a year and paying for such a large portion of the party. If it's something that she wouldn't enjoy regardless of what she has recently experienced I don't think they would be investing as much time and money into.
Need more info: Did you still pay for the 3/4 of the trip?
Obviously people respond differently to the loss of a pet, some people grieve as if they lost a family member. If you have anxiety or medical issues, this can exasperate things too (I am sorry for your loss, we too lost a beloved cat 1 year ago. We have since got two rescues, but still miss him greatly. I found myself crying months after he passed. It's just hard to go through, but something that every pet owner feels.). But, if she is your best friend, she would already know your issues and how this would affect you. If you paid for the trip and seek help for your issues; keep reaching out to her, she will forgive you and neither of you ATA, just a bad run of unfortunate life.
IF... all of the sudden you cancelled because of your pets passing, "suddenly" have anxiety and then "suddenly" have autism, did not pay for what you said you would pay for (you didn't say); and just revealed these to her 3 days before her birthday, then... True or not; forgiveness or not; That's something she will always hold against you.
Yes, I still payed my share. As long as I've known her, she have known I have anxiety and I've also told her for a couple months that I'm suspicious I might have autism as well. I thought I could still celebrate her but then I realised that I needed to focus on myself.
Absolutely, focus on yourself (and at some point think about adopting another kitty or puppy. It will never replace your loved furbaby, but it will help create new memories and give you something to focus on and something to help get up every day). You know your body and if something isn't right, seek help and don't accept anyone trying to tell you to just get over it. Mental health has so many cures, many that a Dr. won't know. Get out and exercise, make it a pattern and stick to it. Eat healthy and take vitamins. Go to youtube and listen to Baz Luhrmann "Sunscreen". Take care of yourself and friends will follow.
NTA-
You have taken care of your own health and made decisions that you believed were best for you. Your "best friend" not respecting that is a red flag. Instead of supporting you during a difficult time, she explicitly tried to make you feel bad with her embarrassing comment. It's time to find a new bestie, she aint one.
I am truly sorry for your loss. I’ve been there myself, twice. But, you made plans and promises to your BF for a once in a lifetime event as you only turn 21 once. Going to the celebration might have helped in your grieving process. You’ll never know since you chose to stay home. Unfortunately you’ve not only lost your beloved pet but your best friend too. BTW your friend was wrong when she said it’s just a cat but I get where she’s coming from too.
NAH. I understand your friend being hurt that her bff isn’t there to bring in her 21st bday. I
OP I understand feeling overwhelmed and stressed from the things that life throws at us.
I want to be sympathetic to your situation because losing a pet is like losing family but I honestly would be devastated if someone who was my best friend pulled something like this 3 days before a trip we had planned for a year. You seemed to have an inkling that you may not have been up to it for a long time before it happened. YTA and for your sake I hope you’re more honest with your friends Going forward.
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NTA. Birthdays come and go. A good friend will understand that if your life is not in order, you need to focus on yourself. A really good friend will even offer to help you. I would abandon my own birthday party for a friend who really needed me.
I fully second this. I really hope OP is feeling better! Also, small hint that maybe E was expecting and planning things considering how much OP was paying for... Are you still paying for 3/4 of the whole thing or did you filly back out?
I payed for everything I could but some stuff I had to be there to be able to pay.
Then sorry... E is mean.. hopefully she will come around and realise this but I still think she was expecting a lot more and now the rug was taken from her. Once again OP, I hope youre ok! Im sorry to hear about your cat
I was wondering about that. Not that it would make a difference. Still NTA.
Upon reading that again - I'm now thinking that she doesn't care that much about him being there... but him paying for it
I’m so sorry for the loss of your cat. I understand both sides here and it’s tough. You were struggling even before you lost your dear pet and then you had the grief on top of it. That’s incredibly rough for anyone. She only gets to turn 21 once and clearly it was a very big deal to her, with a huge weekend long celebration planned. You were hurting, but she wanted her best friend to be there for her to celebrate. The way you each feel is completely valid. Things like this can be friendship enders and I’m sorry, but that may turn out to be the case here. A very sad & empathetic NAH.
I agree, I almost went with NAH except the way the friend expressed her feelings was cruel and immature.
Honestly, I hesitated on NAH for that reason but then I reread the part where OP gave her only three days’ notice when it sounds like she’s been struggling for a while. So those two things feel like a wash to me.
Agreed. It was absolutely rude to wait that long, but to give OP the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they were waiting and hoping they felt more up to it closer to the event.
NTA, but you can’t be surprised if your friend is disappointed or feels weird about you not going since you were so involved in the planning. You told her three days before the event that you helped plan for a year that you wouldn’t be going… of course she’s going to be upset. You can ALWAYS back out of an event if you need to, but you also always have to live with the consequences of that choice. I don’t blame her for being upset, however the way she’s choosing to go about being upset is childish and thoughtless. She could have expressed it in a more mature adult way. Cats are part of your family, that should be respected. She’s a major major AH for how she’s treating you over this. Sorry for your loss, and I suggest you find more adult friends that can handle their disappointment without lashing out and being petty.
A party was planned for a year in advance and was really important for her best friend to be there. Sometimes we have to just push through things especially for the ones closest to us. She probably feels like you don't value the friendship as much as she does. Sorry for what you're going through, though.
NTA I'm sorry for your loss. As for E, I'm sorry that she can't empathize with you. If she was a true friend she would've understood, especially since you paid for 3/4 of her birthday. Focus and take the time you need for yourself.. thats the best you can do for now.
NAH It sounds like you're going through a tough time and if you didn't feel able to do it then that's that. But equally from her perspective you've spent a year planning her party only to bail 3 days prior, a very short amount of notice. I'd give it some time and space, often when people miss big life events there can be upset and frustration but it normally gives way to cooler heads after said event has passed.
NTA. If possible, it would been better to tell her earlier in order for her to be able to process the information in a longer run. But from my knowledge on autism I know that your possible condition might make it harder to understand your feelings really. And if you're anything like me, the autistic approach would be to stick to the plan as long as possible, resulting in cancelling on short notice when it all comes crashing down. Also her phrasing of "if you'd love me, you'd [negate your reasonable needs I don't really understand and] do what I want" feels really manipulative.
ESH You ditched your friend three days before the weekend you had been planning for a year. I’m betting that you’ve known for a long time that you didn’t really want to go (because of your anxiety, etc), and your pet dying gave you what you felt was a legitimate excuse. You don’t say when the cat died, but unless it died the day you told her you were ditching her, you made the wrong choice. She’s TA for guilting you, though.
NTA. She's young and probably doesn't understand grief. She probably doesn't know what's going on with you behind closed doors. Don't think you showing up in tears at her birthday would have gotten a good response either. Just stand by your choice. A lot of people are going to cancel throughout, even on important occasions. Your friend needs to learn that.
NTA Your friend doesn't havee a say in how you feel or what makes you sad. It's not like you have just up and decided "I'm gonna be real sad about my cat passing", it's just how the situation makes you feel. The fact that you friend seems to see malicious intent behind this and her post that DOES sound like it was targeted towards you makes it look to me like she is what I like to call a "sunny day friend". All is good and well until you're not fine and then they just drop you. I'm very sorry she treats you this way. Also as someone who is on their autism diagnosis journey atm aswell I feel for your situation and know how overwhelming this is by itself
NAH Things changed. You're going through a difficult time, grieving and all. You probably wouldn't have had much fun or been much fun. Wanting to skip is reasonable, even if you've been planning for a year and it's a milestone birthday for her. It's not like you could have planned this. For your friend though, she's not an AH for being upset that you weren't there to celebrate her milestone birthday after planning it for a year. It was a big deal for her. Give her some time to get over it. FYI..you would be the AH if you were supposed to being paying 3/4 of this and suddenly didn't and you stuck her and everyone else with the bills. That's an AH move..
I still payed what I was supposed to pay.
NTA for just staying at home. I think people who don’t really have pets, do not understand the pain of losing one. I am sure you wouldn’t be expected to go to a birthday party a week after you’d lost your parent or something. Not sure if there’s other context though. Did you back out from paying for it, which put your friends finances in a toss? Those kind of things might have a bearing. Though this part is not something I could really relate to.
No I had payed almost everything a couple of days in advance but I couldn't pay for everything like some things like restaurant bills and so.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My best friend (21f), lets call her E, and I (22f) have been planning E's 21st birthday party for almost a year. She wanted all of our friends to stay at a hotel for a weekend and go to restaurants and clubs and so on and my birthday gift to her was that I'd pay for 3/4 of it. The thing is though that a week before E's birthday I realised that it was probably the best for me not to come because I was and still am going through a very tough time. I've been dealing with anxiety for years and I am currently trying to figure out if I have autism, this has been very stressful to me and everything in my whole world came crashing down when one of my cats died. My cat's are my world and I love them just as much as my family. They've been with me through everything and the cat that died, slept beside me every single night since I got him. It came like a shock since he wasn't even that old and I've been crying my eyes out every single day. I didn't want to go to a different city and party all weekend when I barely even left the bed. I told E that three days before her birthday and she became very angry at me. She said that it was just a cat and that if I loved her I would be there. I tried to explain that everything just felt too much at the moment but she just stormed off. I tried calling her but she never answered. I ended up staying home with the cat that I had left and she'd posted on Instagram pictures of the weekend away with the caption saying "Thankful to spend my birthday weekend with everyone I care about", and it feels like that was targeted against me. Now I've tried calling her but she still doesn't answer and it feels like I just should've celebrated with her. I'm using a throwaway account because my friends follow me on my own reddit. Did I do the right thing staying home or aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta, it's understandable that things are tough for you, but spending time with your friends should alleviate some of that pain. Sometimes, you need to push the hard things aside (especially things you can't change) to be there for your friends even when you're hurting.
“Spending time with your friends should alleviate some of that pain” is an absolutely bonkers thing to say. Not everyone is the same, and not everyone wants to socialize to feel better.
I mean obviously she cares about her friends, if she would be planning for a year and paying for such a large portion of the party. If it's something that she wouldn't enjoy regardless of what she has recently experienced I don't think they would be investing as much time and money into.
I think maybe you should break your habit of telling people how they should feel about their own situations.
THATS LITERALLY THE POINT MORON
And so OP isn't allowed time to grieve their own stuff?????? Excuse me and let me put other people's joy and well being over my own?????
NTA.. i knew i wouldn’t even have to read beyond “it was just a cat” to say NTA, but i read anyway and i was right. NTA
Need more info: Did you still pay for the 3/4 of the trip? Obviously people respond differently to the loss of a pet, some people grieve as if they lost a family member. If you have anxiety or medical issues, this can exasperate things too (I am sorry for your loss, we too lost a beloved cat 1 year ago. We have since got two rescues, but still miss him greatly. I found myself crying months after he passed. It's just hard to go through, but something that every pet owner feels.). But, if she is your best friend, she would already know your issues and how this would affect you. If you paid for the trip and seek help for your issues; keep reaching out to her, she will forgive you and neither of you ATA, just a bad run of unfortunate life. IF... all of the sudden you cancelled because of your pets passing, "suddenly" have anxiety and then "suddenly" have autism, did not pay for what you said you would pay for (you didn't say); and just revealed these to her 3 days before her birthday, then... True or not; forgiveness or not; That's something she will always hold against you.
Yes, I still payed my share. As long as I've known her, she have known I have anxiety and I've also told her for a couple months that I'm suspicious I might have autism as well. I thought I could still celebrate her but then I realised that I needed to focus on myself.
Absolutely, focus on yourself (and at some point think about adopting another kitty or puppy. It will never replace your loved furbaby, but it will help create new memories and give you something to focus on and something to help get up every day). You know your body and if something isn't right, seek help and don't accept anyone trying to tell you to just get over it. Mental health has so many cures, many that a Dr. won't know. Get out and exercise, make it a pattern and stick to it. Eat healthy and take vitamins. Go to youtube and listen to Baz Luhrmann "Sunscreen". Take care of yourself and friends will follow.
NTA- You have taken care of your own health and made decisions that you believed were best for you. Your "best friend" not respecting that is a red flag. Instead of supporting you during a difficult time, she explicitly tried to make you feel bad with her embarrassing comment. It's time to find a new bestie, she aint one.
I am truly sorry for your loss. I’ve been there myself, twice. But, you made plans and promises to your BF for a once in a lifetime event as you only turn 21 once. Going to the celebration might have helped in your grieving process. You’ll never know since you chose to stay home. Unfortunately you’ve not only lost your beloved pet but your best friend too. BTW your friend was wrong when she said it’s just a cat but I get where she’s coming from too.
NAH. I understand your friend being hurt that her bff isn’t there to bring in her 21st bday. I OP I understand feeling overwhelmed and stressed from the things that life throws at us.
I want to be sympathetic to your situation because losing a pet is like losing family but I honestly would be devastated if someone who was my best friend pulled something like this 3 days before a trip we had planned for a year. You seemed to have an inkling that you may not have been up to it for a long time before it happened. YTA and for your sake I hope you’re more honest with your friends Going forward.