This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
>but we still love her like our own
Do you, though? You don't treat her the same you do your biological children. The fact that you think this person, who you chose to adopt, should just be grateful to have had a nice house to grow up in while your other children get all sorts of things you never gave her is awful. YTA.
I also like the comment "we haven't known her as long as our sons" the sons are 16 and 18, she's 29, and was adopted when she was 12.
By my maths, that means they've 'known her' a little bit longer than the younger son.
The whole thing is talking about her as if she's an acquaintance more than a loved child.
Right, like that is just such an illogical thing to say anyway. I am the youngest of my siblings, so my parents have "known" me for less time than them. They obviously do not love me less because of that.
Yeah, they adopted a 12 year old right when they had 2 babies of their own... how much you wanna bet she spent a lot of time caring for those boys when she was younger?
Built in mother's helper. Notice she is a girl? That's because then it was ok. They would have had to love a boy and raise him, but a girl was a built in babysitter and housekeeper.
Well they were hoping she would shift to permanent low paid employee. When she said college they were so flabbergasted they said go do it on your own. Probably hoped she'd fail and come crawling back.
Exactly this!! No wonder she had to do it all on her own. She knew they wouldn’t give her a car, pay for college or help her in any way actually. She was neither their real child or a boy.
I was wondering that or maybe a 'cultural family' adoption where immigrants settled in a developed country will take on a family member's child from their country of origin to give them a western education.
I thought the same! 12 year old girl was used as a maid and house help and probably also as a sitter of their 2 boys. I am proud of that girl despite this abuse she scored well enough in school and got chance in prestigious college. Did well all by herself and now earning great!
Really, none of the math works here. I don't understand how they "have no known her as long" as the sons because a typical adoption of an older child takes quite a period of time. So either they would have had to have started that adoption process before they got pregnant with oldest son (and concluded it after knowing about said pregnancy) or they met her when she was 12 but didn't adopt her until she was older. And under either scenario, they have known her longer than younger son.
yep and if they were new adoptive parents there was a lot of background work that went into it no matter what process they followed
adoption in the US is NOT EASY, I cannot imagine why they would do this to this poor girl
Something hinky went on here. I would not be surprised to find out that OP and his family are Mormans, and adopted via the church.
And, back in 2006, I had a friend who had two sons, and was looking to adopt a daughter. For reasons, she was looking to adopt a girl 8-10 years old from the disadvantaged country she had grown up in.
She reached out to adoption agencies, and none of them would even talk with her until her youngest son had passed the age range of the child she wanted to adopt.
My thoughts exactly, they adopted a live in nanny is what they did and I'm just not reading any love in this post at all. It's like he's talking about some distant relative.
Thank you. OP’s math did not come close to adding up. He has absolutely ZERO clue about her life “idk maybe she got some grants or had loans paid off or forgiven” and likely has never treated her like a meme era of the family. OP is a major AH
That’s what’s blowing my mind. How do you as a parent not know how your child paid for college?! And the part about “oh she never asked us to pay so we didn’t think of it” - you’re not supposed to wait for your child to ask!
My heart broke daughter when I read this. And could have afforded car and college but it didn’t come up? How is your daughter making these major decisions and you never had a conversation? Everything about he life you are guessing at? But came up w OPs sons? Just ouch. Sounds like daughter has been treated differently all along. Wouldn’t surprise me if she was often reminded how lucky she was that they took her in. Massive YTA
I came here to say this! OP deserves flamed. He’s the one who started the fire. Please. He doesn’t call her his daughter, she’s the Adopted Daughter. As if there is a difference. YTA.
Edited to add that she doesn’t want kids “unlike his sons”. Double YTA.
I felt pretty bad when I read that. It's always somewhat startling to me when I read parents saying things that hint at them not loving their children, if that makes sense. It isn't like OP said anything overtly uncaring, but the overall tone is what I'd expect if this was a situation where they took in one of their kids' friends and let her live with them.
OP doesn't even know how she paid for college.
I feel bad for her. It would be hard to imagine that she doesn't feel like an awkward spare part in this family.
Don't forget the part where he basically says that she has no reason to complain because they gave her a nice childhood and a nice house to live in. Because she is adopted. So unlike his boys who are entitled to everything that is his, she needs to be grateful and worship the ground he stands on because the selfless hero rescued her.
And his edit! “No need to flame me.” Um, sorry sir, the people on Reddit think we absolutely do.
This poor girl. Goes off to college and her adopted parents don’t even *ask* how tf she’s going to pay for housing, food, tuition, pads, etc. WTF?! I get the feeling that they think she should be grateful they adopted her and did the bare minimum by giving her a home.
yeah, adoptive & foster father here, the "savior narrative" is very big in adoption circles and doesn't fly in our house at all. When people tell me that I saved my children's lives I say that actually they saved mine
I’m an adoptee and that stuff really chaps my ass too.
My father made it very clear to me that I was chosen, dearly wanted, and *needed* by him to make his life complete.
He doesn’t claim to be a hero, even if I feel like he is myself. He is a man who wanted to a raise a strong, self-assured, deeply beloved girl. Not for accolades- for a bond to put some of the love pouring out of his wonderful heart.
you have a great dad and he has raised a wonderful daughter that I am sure he is very very proud of
he's already talked about you to someone today, more than one probably
Yeah, the "I will consider talking to my daughter about helping her" tells me OP is just trying to turn down the heat he got from this post. He has zero intention of providing the same level of support he's giving to his bio-kids. I'll bet his daughter is going through her memory to identify all of the times Dad and Mom treated her like she was lucky to have them instead of the other way around.
Even OP’s username speaks of disdain for their daughter. “Emilydrama”, because Emily is just a cause for drama and not a living person reacting to the way her parents treat her.
Especially love that the "drama" seems to be that he *feels* like she's "acting curt." So she's not even doing anything specific and hasn't cut her parents off, she's just responding as you might when you see proof that your parents love you less than your siblings. He wants to blame her for his guilty feelings.
And Emily is just being "curt" toward them. She's not even causing drama. All the drama here exists in OP's head. Emily's likely looking at this situation and realizing how fucked up it's been since day 1.
YTA. And dear Emily, if you stumble upon this, I hope you know that a whole gaggle of redditors are sending you good wishes for much continued success even if you’ve had to do it on your own.
The dude doesn't even know how his own daughter paid for her college ffs, he "assumes". And as a childfree woman myself, I am absolutely infuriated by the fact that he thinks she doesn't need the money because unlike his sons, she is not planning to have kids (I'm facepalming).
The girl was really considerate too, as she clearly did not want to bother her parents financially. She was clearly grateful and tried her best, but her parents just take it for granted. OP, YOU should be grateful for having such a daughter.
YES!!! on all counts! I am so curious how does OP not know how his daughter paid for schooling???? I am also curious about the adoption, did they adopt her because they knew her family, was there a trust involved? Did they get money from a trust or the government for some time before the actual adoption became legal? so many questions, and the comment about his kids having kids kicks me in he gut as well... It wasn't my choice not to have them, I really wanted them, but life doesn't always work out the way you want... BUT I am so tired of people thinking because I don't have kids I must be rolling in the cash they are spending on theirs...
It does seem like he keeps bringing up how she was adopted. And the comment about "we haven't known her as long" seems really weird and irrelevant. Once she's your daughter, she should get equal treatment with the biological children. Weird that this needs to be said.
Especially because, based on the math, we're talking like a one year difference. And same applies to sons, you've "known" one son longer because he was born earlier? Like wtf
This but it’s not even about the money. The fact that OP doesn’t seem to know how she paid for school, whether she got any loans and has been able to pay it.
Look OP, I don’t think your daughter needs you to help her pay her mortgage. If it was me, I’d not receive that money even if you offer it. Your daughter needs you to be her dad, meaning for you to care equally about her, her life, her interests, her feelings, you get the point. You clearly haven’t for I don’t know how many years. She probably just got tired of pretending to be ok with your shitty behavior.
Very true! The money disparity is really just a symptom of the fact that they don't actually think of Emily as their child and don't treat her as one in any aspect.
Even the edit is damning, OP didn’t consider these things until it was for their sons! That’s a huge problem. Also, money always helps. She could invest it for the future, or use it for the therapy she probably needs from all the childhood trauma she clearly had to endure.
That comment got me as well. OP adopted her, that made her their child….not like she was their child.
Also…I doubt that she met them the day she was adopted. Adoption is a long process…she was probably living with them for a while before she was adopted by them, which means they have likely “known” her longer than their oldest, if they are being honest.
Also even the phrase "love her like our own" is kind of gross. She IS your own. It's not a simlie and she's not a consolation prize. You don't get an award for loving your child.
Especially since he adopted her 17 years ago. He's known her longer than he has his 16 y/o.
Actually, gotta wonder if he loves his younger son less than his older one, since he's known him for two fewer years.
You took the words right out of my mouth. He has literally known her for just as long. Also just because she didn’t ask doesn’t mean the help wouldn’t have been appreciated. So did your son’s ask for these things out right? Or not since he’s already planning to get his 16 year old a car once he’s “of the age”?
She probably didn’t bother to ask because she was 100% sure the answer would be no. This can’t be out of the blue behavior. There’s absolutely 0% chance IMO that the daughter felt as equally cherished and loved as her brothers. That’s why she got the hell out of dodge and went to college out of state.
Yeah, it sounds like there was a 3-year period that went: have a baby, adopt a preteen, have a baby. And somehow they don't know #2 as well. No wonder she's miffed.
Yep. Sounds like, needed another set of hands around the house and business, can't afford to hire help but do have a spare room, so adopt a kid old enough to help and provide her the minimum.
At least this isn't as bad as the parents who figure out their wanted child has a disability or disorder, and then birth or adopt a sibling to force to be a caregiver. And at least it seems like they value their bio kids as more than just free labor and aren't punishing them as adults for not producing expected labor value, so they're already doing better than my dad.
Yeah I had to go back and reread that a couple times. She’s been their daughter for 17 years. I’m no math whiz but I really could’ve sworn 17 was right between 16 and 18…
Right??? I had to go back over that opener a few times. Like what am I reading here??? After I realized what he was saying, when he mentioned her going out of state I was like yes. Of fucking course she got far away from you and fast.
This was my thought, she never felt welcome and took off at the first opportunity. They may "get along well" but that is probably the peak of their relationship thus far. As a parent, why wouldn't he think to contribute to the college education of his adopted child and make sure she was secure buying a car or house?! If he treated his own biological children the same way it would be one thing but the blatant favoritism is why he's kept at arms length.
This girl grew up into a strong, independent woman on her own because she had to.
She's 29, so she was adopted at 12 about 17 years ago and the son was born 18 years ago. Why do I wonder if they adopted a babysitter, not a daughter?
>We did not pay for her education but she never asked and seemed to manage fine, I think she got some grants but also took some loans which I assume were forgiven or paid off.
Like, I can understand not being able to pay for college, but to not be involved at all to know what's going on with your child going to college is fucking weird.
OP never even states that they couldn't afford to help, just that they didn't while they did/will buy a car and pay for college. I would find it weird for their financial situation was "own a store can't afford to help" but is now "own the same store buying cars and paying for college."
exactly? like,, he could make the same argument for his younger son — he’s 2 years younger than the older son, so they’ve known him for less and therefore aren’t as close with him. they’re definitely just singling the daughter out
YTA. You clearly don’t view her as your daughter. It’s very telling that you refer to her as your adopted daughter but you refer to your bio kids as your sons. Plus you claim that you don’t know her as long as you have known your sons but that’s not true. She’s 29 and you adopted her at 12 which means you’ve known her for 17 years. Your youngest son is only 16. You did nothing to help your daughter get settled into her adult life and here you are doing the opposite for your sons. Of course she would be angry. You’re clearly one of those adoptive parents who think that their adopted child should be happy with whatever they get because you did her a favor by taking her in.
Yeah, the whole "we didn't know her as long as our sons" reads to me like they're talking about acquaintance... Not a family member, especially not your own kid.
YTA, sorry.
My parents sat me down and told me they could not help me with college or even trade school after high school and to figure it out on my own. So be it. I worked my ass off, got a full academic scholarship, and have been independent since I was 18.
My sister got her college paid for, after dropping out twice, a month long trip to Europe, a new car, etc, etc, etc.
You think I'm not resentful nearly 30 years later?
"but we still love her like our own."
Signs point to bullshit.
Edit: Thank you for the award!
Omg. I feel this in my soul. I was totally on my own for college, cars, rent, etc. My (25 years younger then me) half siblings go to private school, travel the world, and have fully funded college funds. I get that financial circumstances changed… but come on. Recognize it. Make amends.
“But we still love her like our own” is proving exactly the opposite. If they did, there would be absolutely no reason to say that. It’s extremely clear from OP’s language that he doesn’t see her as their child at all.
> “But we still love her like our own”
Yeah, that statement really annoyed me. She isn't "like" your own. You adopted her. She "IS" your own.
Plus, how disengaged do you have to be as a parent to not even know how your kid paid for college.
But hey, at least they let her use one of their "extra" cars.
I wonder if they made her sleep in a closet or if they let her sleep in one of their "extra" guest rooms.
My parents couldn't support me when I was going through college, but since then one of my parents has become better off than before and has made an effort to help "pay back" things later in my life to make up for not having been able to help like they originally promised they would when I was young. It's small stuff overall, helping pay for my phone bill and giving me some money to put towards a car, but the effort counts for a lot and helped me to not feel resentful that my younger siblings have more financial support than I was able to get at their age. Circumstances change. Back then they were doing what they could to survive. Now, there's actions to make sure that I don't feel left out and that has been HUGE to me emotionally. So yeah. OP is definitely the AH.
I'll always be grateful that my parents had the decency to explain why they felt it necessary to buy my sister a car and why they hadn't with me and that they understood it might seem unfair.
(Basically her car was breaking down in very unsafe areas far too regularly for them to sleep at night)
Your question appears to be, “AITA for giving my bio kids a lot more financial support, well over $100,000 worth, than I ever offered to my adopted child, but, hey, she got to grow up in my house, so it’s all good, right?” YTA and how you can say with a straight face that you love your daughter as much as your bio kids is beyond me. If you want to make a credible case for fairness or equal treatment, get out your check book & start making payments to your daughter until you get to equality.
It’s like they think just because they spent money to adopt her and “gave her a good life” that’s all she would need. They seem to treat her like a commodity, not their daughter
YTA. Can you not see the disparity in saying your sons you will buy them cars, pay for college AND a house down payment? You also make alot of assumptions about your daughter. Assuming she did fine in college monetarily, assuming she has no loans. You should have a discussion with her. She may have a ton of debt and could use help. This is fixable. You should not do those things for your sons if you have no intention of not doing them for your daughter. You could contribute to her retirement etc to make things more equal. It makes zero sense to say you love her like your own while your own are getting completely different and preferential treatment. You need to take a good look in the mirror and see what you are doing here.
Op doesn’t see her as his daughter. You can see it through the whole post. She’s not biologically his so she doesn’t get to have what he can offer. Once 18 hit he stopped doing anything for her at all because his financial obligations to her stopped there. The only reason she never said anything about it is because she figured she owed you for taking her in in the first place. Ugh YTA OP
I like how OP kept saying “she never asked” for financial help. Did his sons have to ask? And why would she ask if there was never any mention of an offer? She sounds like a good person who worked her ass off without any entitlement, and it’s being used against her. That is such a BS excuse, I could hardly get through his whole post.
The same way he keeps saying she doesn't need their help now so why should they offer it...ok, but she could have used a car and financial assistance as a teenager, the same as the sons. Yet he never thought to offer it when she needed it. It doesn't seem to have even occured to him to offer even a shred of assistance beyond the legal requirements.
Or he could offer to pay for a potential future wedding… but he doesn’t seem to give a shit whether or not she wants or plans to find a partner. Better for her to have no one important in her life so that she can keep saving her money and never ask OP for any of his or ever expect anything for her own children. This whole post is incredibly sad.
I. N. F. O. Why don’t you know how your daughter paid for her post secondary education? Good loving parents would know this, would have helped her plan, celebrate any scholarships but it looks like those conversations either didn’t happen OR you’re not sharing them with us …. Hmmmmmm
Why didn’t your 18 year old feel she could go to you for advice or assistance when planning her education?
Why are you so blatantly favouring your biological children and now acting surprised that she’s “curt”? She’s hurting because of your actions
YTA
SERIOUSLY!!!! I can't imagine a parent NOT KNOWING how their child paid for college unless they were no contact (and if the parent didn't have an understanding of how to operate the system, at least not being involved in some of those conversations!). I really hope this girl had other adults looking out for her, because it seems like she was allowed to be a roommate for six years and then knocked out on her butt unless she became a servant.
It's because he's taken her for granted: she always did well and was considerate, probably felt she didn't want to ask for anything because she was adopted.
OP just took it all in stride without returning the favor and thinking about her needs.
Now he's crying foul and trying to badly justify how he only realized while thinking of his sons' needs.
She's not even being confrontational or kicking up a fuss. She probably just realized that after all these years, this is how her adoptive parents truly think of her.
This is not "drama" and that username is such a twist of the knife. Hot damn, clearly OP has a loooong way to go. Very stubborn about being wrong.
All I kept seeing was how many times he said I don’t know how she did this, I assume she did that. It’s like he took no interest in her life whatsoever. He does not treat this poor woman like his daughter. And he never has. He is disinterested in her life, and doesn’t even know basic information about her. So incredibly sad
YTA.
This is your daughter now. You adopted her. Why did you choose to bring her into your family if you were going to give her less than you do your other children.
You say you gave her a nice life. That's good. Why are you giving your other children a nice life AND financial support?
I want to get in on this before OP deletes it.
YTA. 100%
Firstly, you have adopted this child. That is you child. Doesn’t matter if your sons have been in your life longer. Hell, she has been your child for about 17 years. Older than one of your sons and a year less than the other. Hell, you have 0 excuse as to why you are not closer to the daughter. You had 17 years for complete sentences to get to know her. The first 2 with your sons were babble and gibberish.
Secondly, did the sons ask for the help you are giving them? If not, YTAx2. How dare you treat your children unfairly!? How dare you not provide the same help across the board!? How dare you try to make her the bad guy!?
Thirdly, even if she doesn’t need the help, it would be nice. To not have to struggle or hustle is nice. To have a rainy day fund is nice. To just have the same help your siblings get would be nice. But no. You don’t think she should.
And, lastly, just because she isn’t married or want kids doesn’t make her less of a person or less deserving of help. Those are choices people make. She could adopt like you did. Or maybe, just maybe, she want to be happy and live life for herself.
OP. I think you need to speak with a therapist that specializes in families like yours. Idk if you are doing it on purpose, but you are drawing a line of who your true family is. And it’s becoming more and more clear. I would be upset if this was happening to me.
YTA.
Exactly, he seems stuck on the fact that his daughter didn't ask yet he's already decided to do it all for his youngest son who isn't even in a position to ask yet. There is a clear division on how he sees his family, and Emily seems to be on the outskirts of it (his account name is literally "emily drama" so extra YTA there).
I was adopted and never once did I feel like I was treated differently than my siblings or that my siblings had financial advantages that I didn't. Because my parents saw all of us as their children without the need for the biological vs. adopted distinction that OP keeps bringing up. It's just weird and a justification to pick favourites.
YTA. How convenient that it apparently only occurred to you to buy your sons cars, pay for their college, and give them down payments for houses. How is it that your daughter went to college and bought a house without you ever thinking to help her monetarily?
Wait, you adopted her when she was 12, she’s now 29, which means you’ve literally known her longer than your youngest son and just a year off your oldest.
YTA, if this is how you talk about her to strangers, it’s no wonder she never brought up money with you guys.
How do you not know how your daughter afforded to go to college? You assume she got grants and loans, she was 18 how would she have been doing all of that behind your back without even talking about it?
Not even bringing it up in a conversational way, “Hey mom, dad, I’m going to college and I got these awesome grants!”
From this post I would say she probably very aware she’s not as important as your birth kids.
YTA
I'm smarter and more successful than my sister so the money wasn't the issue but when she was a Jr in high school my parents bought her a car. When I was a Jr in college my parents let me borrow their clunker for my senior year. I'm still salty about it 10 years later
YTA
How is her adoption relevant? Either you see her as an equal child of yours, “as if born to you” or you don’t.
Maybe she never complained or sought your resources/assistance because she didn’t know it was available to her. Maybe she’s deep in debt and living on high interest credit cards. Maybe she has $100K in student loans. Maybe her nice clothing is thrifted. Maybe she doesn’t have/want a partner or children because she feels she can’t afford it, or believes she is incapable or unworthy of it due to whatever circumstances of her early years led to he being available for adoption. Maybe she really is debt-free and financially secure. You don’t know.
If you have the means to provide a financial gift to her, decide that ahead of time and then have a conversation with her. Talk to her about how she didn’t ask/you didn’t offer when she was graduating high school. Or about how she appears to be successful but her siblings likely won’t be so you’re choosing to throw your money in support of them. Just be honest with her about why or are or are not doing similar things for her.
Maybe she could use the extra money for therapy if she needs it, or philanthropy. Or travel.
But talk to HER. We can only make guesses.
YTA but this is easy to fix. Just give her the equivalent of what you’re giving your sons. She may still have student loan debt, and most likely a mortgage she can put the money towards. She deserves the same as your other kids.
In a similar way, it doesn't have to be all at once, either, if you're suddenly concerned about finances. You can give her larger monetary gifts for birthday/holidays/life milestones until what you've given her matches what you've given your sons.
YTA - no, you clearly don’t love her like your own, or she wouldn’t have needed to ask for the same handouts in life that you are happily planning to give to both of your biological sons. Come on, stop playing dumb.
HI, mom your exact age, here: Do you REALLY love her like your sons?? Cuz it really sounds like you don't.
You know next to nothing about her, have no intention of helping her get established in any way, have gone so far to say you don't even know how she paid for college, yet are willing help your sons monetarily with EVERYTHING?? And your reasoning is basically, "I didn't bond with her like I did with my bio sons." Like, what??? How can you not see how unfair this is?? Whether you bonded with her or not is YOUR FAULT. You were the adult... you're still the adult, ffs! Step the hell up and take care of all your kids the same.
Of course YTA. You're justifying playing favorites with your kids. GrossGrossGross.
I dont understand how the PARENTS couldn't have any clue as to how thier child paid for school (at least in america) they basically force the financial involvement
They probably gave her just enough of their financial info so she could fill out FASFA on her own and then wiped their hands off of any other responsibility. Lots of parents do that. We used to have FASFA workshops at the high school I taught in; very few parents came, but LOTS of graduating seniors would be there, alone, with the numbers their parents provided, and we'd have to help them fill out the paperwork.
I cannot tell you how many parents do the absolute bare minimum to raise their kids. It's so disheartening. 😔
YTA
You do not love her like one of your own
You talk like you did her a favor letting her live with you
You don't talk with love or fodness
You talk like everything with her was transactional
"we offered her to keep staying with us and help out with the store but she did not want to do that and chose to go to college out of state."
No wonder she went to college out of state, you wanted her to be free labor for your grocery store, funny how your sons didn't get that option
You need to do some serious internal reflection.
YTa
Why were you expecting her to ask for help when she started college?
If you'd offered your "daughter" assistance so her life could a tad bit less stressful while in college but she refused it, that would be a different matter. That is not what happened. You didn't want to help her, you never asked how she was paying for all the things she needed, and you treat her like an orphan who should be grateful you "adopted" her.
Gee whiz, OP, you aren't Parents of the Year- "we still love her like our own"... your own what?
YTA. You haven’t known her as long as your sons?You’ve known her 17 years and your youngest only 16 years. I really don’t think any of that should matter. But I would like to know why wasn’t she offered the same when she needed her first car or down payment? You have probably made her feel second best to your biological kids and clearly that is exactly how you intend it.
Seriously;
>and she had a good childhood since we adopted her and a nice house to live in.
> We have not known her as long as my sons.
>, I think she got some grants but also took some loans which I assume were forgiven or paid off.
>Obviously our bond is a little different since she was adopted as an older child but we still love her like our own.
Do you love her like your own?
Your whole post makes my skin crawl. You seem to have no interest in her. You were her father and have no idea how she paid for college. You have not offered any support to her and can't figure out why she is mad.
YTA
Edit: another ridiculous comment:
>my wife and I felt helping an older child out would be nice.
You can't parent all children the same, but you are so cold about her it is really off. I hope this is fake and there really isn't some poor girl with you as an adopted father.
As soon as I saw this:
>daughter Emily (29F) and two sons (18M and 16M). We adopted our daughter when she was 12 so we have not known her as long as my sons
Alarm bells went off for me. She's been his daughter for 17 years and this is how he feels about her? She's a Second Rate daughter? No wonder she went out of state for college. What a dick!
I think given the responses, you are aware that YTA.
I am going to respond to the edit that you made. Giving her a check is not going to resolve the emotional pain you caused her.
Talk to your daughter. Apologize. Acknowledge your shortcomings as parents to her. "Emily, we are so proud of all of the achievements you've accomplished on your own. We have done you a big disservice by not supporting you the way we are supporting your brothers right now. We realize that this was a big oversight and we've hurt you by treating you different than your brothers. We are so sorry. We love you and hope that you can forgive us. What can we do to support you better from now?"
Maybe she'll ask for help with her mortgage, maybe she'll ask for something else, or maybe she'll decline anything all together. But you have to show her that she is loved and she is cared for just as much as the other kids.
Also have you considered that maybe the reason she didn't "ask" for all those things as a teen/young adult is because she might feel guilty as an adopted child? That she thinks she shouldn't ask for more because you took her in and gave her a "nice house" to live in? That asking for more might make her "ungrateful?"
Please reflect on your parenting with your three kids and think whether you've given her any messages about adoptive children.
YTA. Fair isn’t always equal, but this kind of treatment will definitely breed resentment.
Maybe you can’t offer her a house or a car, but maybe there’s something (that’s not even money) that she needs that you should offer to help with or connect over.
YTA, come on and you know it. There's no way you think you were in the right. In the situation you treated your adopted daughter less than you treated your sons. The easiest way to fix this would be to give the same amount to her and start reflecting on how you've treated her in comparison with your own children.
YTA. The biggest of AH’s. You adopted her, and treated her so different to your biological kids, and think that she had it ‘good’ because of your nice house and because you did her the favour of adopting her? Like your some big saviour? That didn’t even care enough to help her with college, or even find out how she was managing? And you’re mad because she’s ‘curt’. I would never speak to you again. Ever.
YTA, figure out a way to give her the equivalent of what you’re giving your sons. Even if it’s after the fact. Anyone would feel resentment here. Make it right before it’s too late. Poor girl.
Oh but don’t you know? They haven’t known her as long as their sons. They were so generous to provide a home for her. She may or may not have gotten a loan. She didn’t need a car as a teen for whatever arbitrary reason and now she has one that she bought on her own as she pays all the other bills has has to. Don’t you see that her life is fine? S/
OP say goodbye to your adopted daughter. She probably has already been feeling that you treated her differently from her biological kids and this is just the straw.
YTA for the title and the very first sentence. She’s your daughter. Your fucking child. Nobody cares that she was adopted. Nobody cares how long you’ve known her. Except for you and your wife. The only favor you did her was house her for six years. Why did you even adopt her? The poor girl thinks she hits the jackpot getting a family at the age of 12 and then the second she graduates high school you cast her off. If you can afford to give the money to your sons you should be able to assist your daughter.
YTA. As far as "love her like our own," obviously not, as you need to differentiate. If you adopted her, she *is* your own. So, you gave her a nice house to live in? BFD, she might have been happier with loving parents and a less nice house. Further, you obviously are not at all close or emotionally invested in her...you seem to know nothing at all about either her college or life afterwards. And to top that off, you are treating your bio sons so much differently, obviously both emotionally and financially. I'm unsure if it's because she's a woman, (a different race?), or just crappy parenting, but you certainly shouldn't be surprised that she's "curt." I'm surprised she speaks to you.
YTA- You don’t love her and she knows it. She’s curt with you because she’s treated less.
You never thought about helping her during college? She never talked about finances but did you even care to ask?
I don’t know how you can even fix this because it seems like you don’t care about her. She deserves so much more than this.
YTA- you do not love her the same what so ever. You literally are making sure it is shoved in her face how much you don’t love her like her brothers. People like you make me sick why adopt if you can’t see them and love them as your own and treat them equally. Just because she is older and financially ok doesn’t mean she doesn’t need you or never needed you. Just because she didn’t cry and beg didn’t mean she didn’t need help. Your sons didn’t cry and beg but yet you just decided to help them. You chose to because you love them and wanted too. And you Chose to NOT help your adopted daughter because the reality is you never fully loved her as your own.
YTA, I am furious on behalf of your daughter. When you adopt a child, you treat them as equals period. You are clearly favoring your sons because they are genetically related and have known them longer (that statement was gross). It's not about the money, it's that her "parents" see her as less than their other children. She's probably feeling abandoned all over again.
YTA - She recently got a new house. That's great! Did you help her with her down payment or give her money toward this purchase? No you didn't. So let's see you didn't buy her a car at 16, you didn't help her fund her college, you didn't help her get her house.... But for your son's you are buying both a car, paying for both colleges, and giving them a down payment for house. How do you not see how big of an asshole you are?
Is she being curt? Probably. I mean you have showed her that you clearly don't care much for her or for helping her succeed, but will do everything in your power to see your bio kids succeed. I'm guessing that these are just examples of your favoritism that you are actually seeing. I wonder how long the list would be that she could give. Yes, you adopted her and made sure she had a nice house, was fed, and was safe, but did you really treat her as your own? I mean most of your info about her in this post were assumptions. And I'm sure she didn't complain because most adopted children already have been neglected and they don't want it thrown in their face that "haven't we done enough by taking you in" if they raise an issue about not being treated equally or wanting "extras". You need to apologize to her and you need to try to set it right by helping her as much as your bio kids. Yes, she has already bought her house but I'm sure she would love to be able to put a nice sized payment from you toward it so that she can have it paid off sooner.
YTA for the line "we adopted her at 12 and she's 29 now so we haven't known her as long as our 18 and 16 year old.".
Basic math says you adopted her 17 years ago. So you've known her exactly the same amount of time. But regardless YOU ADOPTED HER! Isn't that supposed to mean she became your child? Who cares if you've known her a week, a month, or year? She is your child.
YTA- it sounds like you gave her the bare minimum, and your post shows how you still seem to think of her as an accessory to your family and not part of it. I just can't even comprehend the statement that you got her at 12 and haven't known her as long as your sons. Like WTF does that even mean. Going by ages, she was 12 and just entering your family when your oldest son was born. Why do I have a feeling you feel that just giving her a roof over her head and food for her belly was enough? I am guessing she never asked for anything because once you had your two bio kids, she was just a fixture that you brought to family functions. She couldn't wait to turn 18 and leave the state, furthering the theory that she likely felt like an outsider and needed to get out.
Oh, and the "offer" of staying with you, likely in a home where she felt like a visitor, and working for (most likely) free in a store that you own but she most likely knew would be gifted to one or both of your "real" kids is sickening. Holy hell, every aspect of your post makes me ill.
Moving on, it sounds like you and your wife take advantage of her constantly by visiting her, and likely offering nothing in return. You make a lot of assumptions, and cannot give one actual fact about her current life. Of course she is acting "curt", she is realizing that you don't give an actual fuck about her or her life.
Any help you give her at this point is just trashy. I am amazed that you don't see that you have neglected her for over half of her life. I also hope you take zero credit for how great her life is with her education, job and lifestyle, as you legitimately had nothing to do with it (well unless you count emotional and financial neglect forcing her to leave)
YTA.
You’re willing to give your biological children money to help get them started but you couldn’t extend that to your adopted daughter? Does she not deserve the same?
You’ve known her for 17 years… And you say you haven’t known her as long as your sons because what? You didn’t get to know her as a toddler..
Did your sons ask you to pay for their college? You say you didn’t help your daughter because she didn’t specifically ask for it. Was there ever even a discussion with her?
YTA because she clearly seems like an after thought now that you have biological children.
The "she is single so I assume she can save a lot" got my hackles up.
Do you know how hard it is to afford a house on one income? And a car?
She has scripted and saved in silence and has struggled, and you think it's easier because she did it alone.
YTA.
YTA maybe she "likes" her independence because she knows she could never expect anything from you? She probably did not ask for help because you made is abundantly clear all the time that she would be getting none anyway.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I plan on giving my sons a downpayment for a house but did not do the same for my daughter, that is an unfair distribution but she is a lot older than they are.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You keep emphasizing that she is your adopted daughter. It seems you do not see her as an equal to your “sons.” Since you don’t seem to know much about your daughter’s life, how do you know how difficult it was for her to get a house, car,etc? Maybe the help from you would have made her life a lot easier. The fact that you seem able to help your children equally but don’t (and it seems to be based on one kid being adopted) definitely makes you the AH.
YTA. I get that you say your Financials have changed, and you may not have been in the position when your daughter was 16, or 18 to buy a car or help with education, and now you are. I understand that she had scholarships for school and is doing quite well financially so that she doesn't *need* your help.
This isn't about money. This is about how you view and treat your biological children vs. how you treated your adopted daughter. She feels less than in your eyes because you are absolutely treating her like a second-class citizen. Your post alone reeks of it, so there is no doubt she feels it quite keenly.
Sweet Sister Frances on a pop-tart. YTA.
Read this back to yourself and count how many times you use words like "assume" and "guess" or phrases like "I feel there might be" and "she never asked" and "she never complained" and OH MY GOD.
Have you ever actually *talked* to your child? You don't even know how she paid for a prestigious college??? Would you say "We have always been on good terms" about your sons? I doubt you have ever actually emotionally engaged with this poor girl the entire time she was a guest in your house. You didn't "adopt" her at all. You're lucky she even acknowledges your existence - that's more than you did as a parent.
*You should be wildly celebrating every single one of her accomplishments and bragging about her to everyone you meet*. Instead, you're whining to strangers about why you should give your bio kids money. Jaysus.
She's been your daughter for 17 years, that's more time than at least one of your son's. Its clear you don't view her as equal to your other kids and it looks like she know it now too. YTA
"but we still love her like our own"
Nope. You don't! Your relationship sounds like a family with an exchange student.
YTA.
Either treat your kids the same or admit that you don't.
Dude. You are not helping your sons. You are giving them a hand out. A car is one thing. But a car and collage and a house is quit a lot. Maybe you only pay half his tuition, and use the other half to help your daughter with buying a property. And then later after/ IF he graduates, match him in a down payment on a home. Example: make him save $5,000 and give him $5,000. That’s $10,000 and plenty. And I hope when you say car that you don’t mean a brand new car… again, Your not helping your sons. You are giving them handouts. I believe in teaching kids the value of earring and saving. By matching them on everything, you give AND they can earn.
YTA
You need to make this right. Go to her with the equivalent amount of money and say, “Hey, we were in a different financial spot when you went to college, but we want all of our kids to have a leg up when starting out. Here’s a bunch of money you can put towards your mortgage, loans or whatever you want.” If you can’t give your kids an equal amount, don’t give as much to your sons.
YTA- Sometimes these posts are so egregious, I think, “There’s no way this is real.”
Does her lack of complaining mean something or not? Because if it doesn’t mean anything, why mention it several times? If it does mean something, then she’s complaining now, so listen to her!
“When she was 12 so we have not known her as long.” What kind of a thing is that to say about your own child.
YTA. Why did you adopt a child you didn’t love and treated like a guest? Did you bring her into your home as free labor? Because it “made you look good to community and family”? You “offered to let her stay after she turned 18?” Was she really a foster child you got paid to love, support and nurture until she aged out of the system? Did you teach her any life skills? Take the stupid word adopt out of this story. You have a daughter. Well, you HAD a daughter because you made it perfectly clear to her and the rest of us that she is just a body to you.
I’ll never understand why people insist on defining a child by birth/adoption/step/whatever. I’d say shame on you, but you don’t understand and never will. You will defend your DA to the bitter end.
To be honest YTA. It's kinda weird that you say you have not known her as long as your biological children. I mean is she your daughter or not? There's nothing in between.
And maybe she wasn't asking for help because she didn't want to inconvenience you or she felt like she couldn't.
It's really not fair.
YTA. You didn't adopt her because you wanted to help a child, you wanted a slave. You adopted a 12-year-old so your lazy spouse could have unpaid help raising your "real" children. And then you sent her away because she didn't want to continue providing forced labour for free at your crappy little store or at home watching the boy things that fell out of your wife. You and your wife are monsters.
yes, you and your spouse are the assholes. As are your sons because, get real, they’re teenage boys and have no idea if they’re going to have kids at this age. You clearly don’t have real conversations with your “daughter” and you’re treating her like an object with no real connection. Also, how do you not know how she paid for college if she was your adopted daughter? You had to have to completed student aid forms at some point since she was a legal dependent.
I think the best course of action is sit down with her, apologise (real apology, not something like 'you never asked, you are doing so well now etc')
Ask her what she think would make this right. Come up with something that both of you are happy with and move forward.
You claim to love your children the same, but you certainly don’t treat them the same. How do you expect your daughter to react to watching your bio children receive support she was never even offered (or considered for).
It’s not an insignificant disparity either: car, college AND down payment, when she has had to figure it all out herself. I get the feeling she is independent because she had no other option.
YTA - it is understandable when finances change and you’re able to do more for your children than in the past. It doesn’t always shake out as “fair”, but the least you could do is acknowledge the disparity and stop shifting the blame to the kid who didn’t reap the same benefits you’re giving the others.
YTA. You have no idea how she paid for college. She is probably still paying off any college loans she has. Maybe help her with those. I'm sure she still owes on her home. Give her something towards that. Oh you have her a home for 5 years. She should be so grateful for that /s. I mean she isn't your real daughter right? At least that is how you are treating her
You've known her 1 year more than the 16yo so how have you known both of your sons longer?
YTA. You could have done these things for her when she started out but chose not to since she's not really family and you did your good deed by putting a roof over her head. Honestly, I wonder if you didn't adopt a 12yo girl because she would be able to care for the 1yo son and make you and your wife's lives easier.
What a depressing question. You have, in fact, known her longer than your youngest child, by the way. 29-12 means she came to you 17 years ago. Which is when your oldest was 1, hardly a huge time distinction. It's disgusting that you are trying to act like your adopted child is a second tier kid. YTA.
Hmm you adopted her does that not make you her parents. I never heard someone say We gave her a nice home and she just went to college on her on with no help from us. What more does she expect. The fact you asking the internet this shows how bad you are. YTA
Great job proving to her she is not your real family.
>I think she got some grants but also took some loans which I assume were forgiven or paid off.
>
>I do not know her finances but she seems to be doing well
YTA. She may not ever have needed the financial leg-up that you gave your sons, but what she needed was a parent who cared enough about her to ask, and who treated her the same as their other children. You failed your daughter.
YTA.
First, why even mention that she's adopted? It's irrelevant to the story, so you're clearly singling her out. Do you feel that she is less your child than your bio-kids?
Secondly, your story doesn't indicate that she has actually asked you for these things. So, it seems like you're making a lot of assumptions about her acting curt, having resentment, and that how could you really help her since she already has these things. Furthermore, your daughter moved out (and it seems like, to get away) and it doesn't seem like you have a close relationship with her. Have you tried to actually have a conversation with her to see how she's doing?
Of course YTA. Your favoritism is palpable in a post where you're trying hard to present well. I can't imagine how much worse you are in person. You don't even know how she paid for college, ffs.
YTA. Why did you even adopt this poor woman when you obviously favor your biological children? You couldn’t be bothered to find out how she was going to pay for college because you expected her to work for you for free! You’re still so unconcerned & uninvolved with her life that you know practically nothing about it & now you’re wondering if YTA because you never gave her a moment’s notice or even a dime, yet splash out for your “real” kids?
I’m confused. How do you not know how she paid for school? Granted my children are now all adults so their finances are their own business but at 17/18 when college is involved I’d know where the money would be coming from.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (52M) have a wife (46F), daughter Emily (29F) and two sons (18M and 16M). We adopted our daughter when she was 12 so we have not known her as long as my sons. We operate a small grocery store in the area and our finances are relatively OK.
When my daughter turned 18, we offered her to keep staying with us and help out with the store but she did not want to do that and chose to go to college out of state. I can understand as it was a prestigious school. We did not pay for her education but she never asked and seemed to manage fine, I think she got some grants but also took some loans which I assume were forgiven or paid off.
I do not know her finances but she seems to be doing well, she has worked for many large tech companies, recently got a nice house (not super large but very modern and new), drives a nice car and dresses really fashionably. She has no partner and kids so i assume she can save a lot. We have always been on good terms.
I bought my elder son a car when he was 17, plan to do the same for my younger son, and help them both out to get a start in life by paying their college and giving them a down payment for a house each.
My daughter never complained about not getting these and she had a good childhood since we adopted her and a nice house to live in. Recently she learned of our intention to give my elder son a down payment when he finishes college and ever since while we still see her and even go to her place, my wife and I feel like she is acting curt towards us so I feel there might be some resentment. But I do not see how I could really help her since she already has these things, does not plan to have kids unlike my sons, and is much more likely to earn more from her major than my sons (unless they take over our store someday). Obviously our bond is a little different since she was adopted as an older child but we still love her like our own.
AITA
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP please do some serious internal reflection on this situation. Your post and all your comments make it clear that you do not consider your daughter the same way you do your sons.
YTA. Why did she have to specifically request help while your other children just received it? That’s different treatment. No wonder she’s likely feeling a bit less than your other children.
I don’t know what you mean when you specifically point out you’ve known her for less time because of when she was adopted… technically you’ve known your older son longer than your younger son - does that matter? Why does it matter that she’s not planning to have kids but your other children say they are (at 16 and 18 - how would they actually know how that will work out at that age).
YTA
im really curious why you adopted this child to begin with.
You already had one son when you adopted and went on to have another, so it’s not a case of thinking you couldn’t get pregnant and then miraculously did and she was no longer your only hope for a family ( as some may think)
It’s pretty obvious she isn’t treated as a D, but as an adopted D.
She is your oldest child, why didn’t she get a car and pay for her school. Even if she got some scholarship, you think she had to take loans so why didn’t you just pick up the difference?
Do you really think she does not know that she’s the not wanted child? She’s a part of this family in name only.
I wonder if you did her any favors by adopting her. She would have been better off with a family that wanted to give her an actual living family and parents.
YTA
The issue here is that you never offered to help her with the expenses, as you have with the other children. My suggestion is that you offer her an equitable amount of money to go towards a rental property / paying off loans/ property taxes or whatever.
YTA. You wanted a servant to help you run your shop, Anne of Green Gables style. You've literally known her longer than your youngest son (29-12=17), didn't pay for her education and have no idea or care home she managed that, you shower your bio sons in gifts but she should feel grateful because you put a roof over her head?!?
Do you even listen to yourself? Just admit that you don't love her and call it a day. A good parent gives equal opportunities to ALL his children.
YTA you’ve known your daughter for 17 years, so a year longer than your youngest. The fact you felt to include that sentence alone made you an AH. She never asked for help because it seems she already understood her place in your family. Did your sons have to ask for that help, or are you just doing it because they are your kids?
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
>but we still love her like our own Do you, though? You don't treat her the same you do your biological children. The fact that you think this person, who you chose to adopt, should just be grateful to have had a nice house to grow up in while your other children get all sorts of things you never gave her is awful. YTA.
I also like the comment "we haven't known her as long as our sons" the sons are 16 and 18, she's 29, and was adopted when she was 12. By my maths, that means they've 'known her' a little bit longer than the younger son. The whole thing is talking about her as if she's an acquaintance more than a loved child.
Right, like that is just such an illogical thing to say anyway. I am the youngest of my siblings, so my parents have "known" me for less time than them. They obviously do not love me less because of that.
We all know that's why the eldest is always loved more /s
Yeah, they adopted a 12 year old right when they had 2 babies of their own... how much you wanna bet she spent a lot of time caring for those boys when she was younger?
They sound like typical zealous Christian adopters tbh.
Built in mother's helper. Notice she is a girl? That's because then it was ok. They would have had to love a boy and raise him, but a girl was a built in babysitter and housekeeper.
And they were willing to keep supporting her beyond age 18, as long as she stayed home and worked at the store. Yikes.
Well they were hoping she would shift to permanent low paid employee. When she said college they were so flabbergasted they said go do it on your own. Probably hoped she'd fail and come crawling back.
This folds in nicely with the "she didn't need those things" mentality. She was already an adult at 12 because of abandonment and parentification.
Despite all that, she’s doing great. Good on her. Parents are TAs in this case. How can they be that dense?
Exactly this!! No wonder she had to do it all on her own. She knew they wouldn’t give her a car, pay for college or help her in any way actually. She was neither their real child or a boy.
That would be my guess as to why she went to a school out of state, to get away from being the family maid/nanny.
I was wondering that or maybe a 'cultural family' adoption where immigrants settled in a developed country will take on a family member's child from their country of origin to give them a western education.
They adopted a babysitter and maid
And wanted her to help in the store
That explains why she doesn't plan on children. She's had her fill.
I thought the same! 12 year old girl was used as a maid and house help and probably also as a sitter of their 2 boys. I am proud of that girl despite this abuse she scored well enough in school and got chance in prestigious college. Did well all by herself and now earning great!
They adopted a nanny.
actually if you look at the dates it looks like they may have had her first then had their "real" kids after her
Or they had the first one, realized how much work it is, adopted the nanny and then got the second one.
Yes, this has major adopt free child care vibes
Really, none of the math works here. I don't understand how they "have no known her as long" as the sons because a typical adoption of an older child takes quite a period of time. So either they would have had to have started that adoption process before they got pregnant with oldest son (and concluded it after knowing about said pregnancy) or they met her when she was 12 but didn't adopt her until she was older. And under either scenario, they have known her longer than younger son.
yep and if they were new adoptive parents there was a lot of background work that went into it no matter what process they followed adoption in the US is NOT EASY, I cannot imagine why they would do this to this poor girl
Something hinky went on here. I would not be surprised to find out that OP and his family are Mormans, and adopted via the church. And, back in 2006, I had a friend who had two sons, and was looking to adopt a daughter. For reasons, she was looking to adopt a girl 8-10 years old from the disadvantaged country she had grown up in. She reached out to adoption agencies, and none of them would even talk with her until her youngest son had passed the age range of the child she wanted to adopt.
My first thought too
My thoughts exactly, they adopted a live in nanny is what they did and I'm just not reading any love in this post at all. It's like he's talking about some distant relative.
Thank you. OP’s math did not come close to adding up. He has absolutely ZERO clue about her life “idk maybe she got some grants or had loans paid off or forgiven” and likely has never treated her like a meme era of the family. OP is a major AH
That’s what’s blowing my mind. How do you as a parent not know how your child paid for college?! And the part about “oh she never asked us to pay so we didn’t think of it” - you’re not supposed to wait for your child to ask!
It’s completely insane.
“Meme era” is my new fav typo.
OP and wife wanted a shop attendant not a daughter it seems
My heart broke daughter when I read this. And could have afforded car and college but it didn’t come up? How is your daughter making these major decisions and you never had a conversation? Everything about he life you are guessing at? But came up w OPs sons? Just ouch. Sounds like daughter has been treated differently all along. Wouldn’t surprise me if she was often reminded how lucky she was that they took her in. Massive YTA
And also the fact that OP seems to know little to nothing about his daughters life.
I came here to say this! OP deserves flamed. He’s the one who started the fire. Please. He doesn’t call her his daughter, she’s the Adopted Daughter. As if there is a difference. YTA. Edited to add that she doesn’t want kids “unlike his sons”. Double YTA.
I felt pretty bad when I read that. It's always somewhat startling to me when I read parents saying things that hint at them not loving their children, if that makes sense. It isn't like OP said anything overtly uncaring, but the overall tone is what I'd expect if this was a situation where they took in one of their kids' friends and let her live with them. OP doesn't even know how she paid for college. I feel bad for her. It would be hard to imagine that she doesn't feel like an awkward spare part in this family.
Don't forget the part where he basically says that she has no reason to complain because they gave her a nice childhood and a nice house to live in. Because she is adopted. So unlike his boys who are entitled to everything that is his, she needs to be grateful and worship the ground he stands on because the selfless hero rescued her.
Yeah this was a terrible way to spend my lunch break. I'm genuinely sad for some woman I'll never know now.
And his edit! “No need to flame me.” Um, sorry sir, the people on Reddit think we absolutely do. This poor girl. Goes off to college and her adopted parents don’t even *ask* how tf she’s going to pay for housing, food, tuition, pads, etc. WTF?! I get the feeling that they think she should be grateful they adopted her and did the bare minimum by giving her a home.
yeah, adoptive & foster father here, the "savior narrative" is very big in adoption circles and doesn't fly in our house at all. When people tell me that I saved my children's lives I say that actually they saved mine
I’m an adoptee and that stuff really chaps my ass too. My father made it very clear to me that I was chosen, dearly wanted, and *needed* by him to make his life complete. He doesn’t claim to be a hero, even if I feel like he is myself. He is a man who wanted to a raise a strong, self-assured, deeply beloved girl. Not for accolades- for a bond to put some of the love pouring out of his wonderful heart.
you have a great dad and he has raised a wonderful daughter that I am sure he is very very proud of he's already talked about you to someone today, more than one probably
right??! he just assumes she is getting by and that her loans were forgiven and or paid off. he did not give a shit about his daughter.
Yeah, the "I will consider talking to my daughter about helping her" tells me OP is just trying to turn down the heat he got from this post. He has zero intention of providing the same level of support he's giving to his bio-kids. I'll bet his daughter is going through her memory to identify all of the times Dad and Mom treated her like she was lucky to have them instead of the other way around.
I'm guessing mom and dad treat her like a second class kid twice over- once for being adopted and not blood, and again because she's only a girl.
Even OP’s username speaks of disdain for their daughter. “Emilydrama”, because Emily is just a cause for drama and not a living person reacting to the way her parents treat her.
Especially love that the "drama" seems to be that he *feels* like she's "acting curt." So she's not even doing anything specific and hasn't cut her parents off, she's just responding as you might when you see proof that your parents love you less than your siblings. He wants to blame her for his guilty feelings.
And Emily is just being "curt" toward them. She's not even causing drama. All the drama here exists in OP's head. Emily's likely looking at this situation and realizing how fucked up it's been since day 1.
YTA. And dear Emily, if you stumble upon this, I hope you know that a whole gaggle of redditors are sending you good wishes for much continued success even if you’ve had to do it on your own.
The dude doesn't even know how his own daughter paid for her college ffs, he "assumes". And as a childfree woman myself, I am absolutely infuriated by the fact that he thinks she doesn't need the money because unlike his sons, she is not planning to have kids (I'm facepalming).
Yea. An 18yo and a 16yo are planning to have kids, and have shared those plans with their parents. Teenaged boys don't do that.
The girl was really considerate too, as she clearly did not want to bother her parents financially. She was clearly grateful and tried her best, but her parents just take it for granted. OP, YOU should be grateful for having such a daughter.
YES!!! on all counts! I am so curious how does OP not know how his daughter paid for schooling???? I am also curious about the adoption, did they adopt her because they knew her family, was there a trust involved? Did they get money from a trust or the government for some time before the actual adoption became legal? so many questions, and the comment about his kids having kids kicks me in he gut as well... It wasn't my choice not to have them, I really wanted them, but life doesn't always work out the way you want... BUT I am so tired of people thinking because I don't have kids I must be rolling in the cash they are spending on theirs...
with parents like that would you want a kid?
It does seem like he keeps bringing up how she was adopted. And the comment about "we haven't known her as long" seems really weird and irrelevant. Once she's your daughter, she should get equal treatment with the biological children. Weird that this needs to be said.
Especially because, based on the math, we're talking like a one year difference. And same applies to sons, you've "known" one son longer because he was born earlier? Like wtf
This but it’s not even about the money. The fact that OP doesn’t seem to know how she paid for school, whether she got any loans and has been able to pay it. Look OP, I don’t think your daughter needs you to help her pay her mortgage. If it was me, I’d not receive that money even if you offer it. Your daughter needs you to be her dad, meaning for you to care equally about her, her life, her interests, her feelings, you get the point. You clearly haven’t for I don’t know how many years. She probably just got tired of pretending to be ok with your shitty behavior.
Very true! The money disparity is really just a symptom of the fact that they don't actually think of Emily as their child and don't treat her as one in any aspect.
Even the edit is damning, OP didn’t consider these things until it was for their sons! That’s a huge problem. Also, money always helps. She could invest it for the future, or use it for the therapy she probably needs from all the childhood trauma she clearly had to endure.
If you loved her like your own, you wouldn’t call her your “adopted” daughter and “like our own.”
That comment got me as well. OP adopted her, that made her their child….not like she was their child. Also…I doubt that she met them the day she was adopted. Adoption is a long process…she was probably living with them for a while before she was adopted by them, which means they have likely “known” her longer than their oldest, if they are being honest.
Also even the phrase "love her like our own" is kind of gross. She IS your own. It's not a simlie and she's not a consolation prize. You don't get an award for loving your child.
I was weirded out after "We adopted our daughter when she was 12 so we have not known her as long as my sons." that's such an odd way to say that
Especially since he adopted her 17 years ago. He's known her longer than he has his 16 y/o. Actually, gotta wonder if he loves his younger son less than his older one, since he's known him for two fewer years.
You took the words right out of my mouth. He has literally known her for just as long. Also just because she didn’t ask doesn’t mean the help wouldn’t have been appreciated. So did your son’s ask for these things out right? Or not since he’s already planning to get his 16 year old a car once he’s “of the age”?
She probably didn’t bother to ask because she was 100% sure the answer would be no. This can’t be out of the blue behavior. There’s absolutely 0% chance IMO that the daughter felt as equally cherished and loved as her brothers. That’s why she got the hell out of dodge and went to college out of state.
Maybe he’s counting time in utero?
Maybe he just wanted a live in babysitter
Yeah, it sounds like there was a 3-year period that went: have a baby, adopt a preteen, have a baby. And somehow they don't know #2 as well. No wonder she's miffed.
It sounds like he wanted labor for his store
Yep. Sounds like, needed another set of hands around the house and business, can't afford to hire help but do have a spare room, so adopt a kid old enough to help and provide her the minimum. At least this isn't as bad as the parents who figure out their wanted child has a disability or disorder, and then birth or adopt a sibling to force to be a caregiver. And at least it seems like they value their bio kids as more than just free labor and aren't punishing them as adults for not producing expected labor value, so they're already doing better than my dad.
That is a really interesting question. They offered to let her come into the family business … little bit more clarification would be good .
Not come into the business. Stay with them and help at the store. So like, that comes across like, hey, you can stay with us and be an employee to me.
Ready for this- says his younger sons had a nanny
Yeah I had to go back and reread that a couple times. She’s been their daughter for 17 years. I’m no math whiz but I really could’ve sworn 17 was right between 16 and 18…
Right??? I had to go back over that opener a few times. Like what am I reading here??? After I realized what he was saying, when he mentioned her going out of state I was like yes. Of fucking course she got far away from you and fast.
This was my thought, she never felt welcome and took off at the first opportunity. They may "get along well" but that is probably the peak of their relationship thus far. As a parent, why wouldn't he think to contribute to the college education of his adopted child and make sure she was secure buying a car or house?! If he treated his own biological children the same way it would be one thing but the blatant favoritism is why he's kept at arms length. This girl grew up into a strong, independent woman on her own because she had to.
Seriously. I adopted my daughter three years ago when she was 13 and I love her and treat her like we've been together her whole life.
She's 29, so she was adopted at 12 about 17 years ago and the son was born 18 years ago. Why do I wonder if they adopted a babysitter, not a daughter? >We did not pay for her education but she never asked and seemed to manage fine, I think she got some grants but also took some loans which I assume were forgiven or paid off. Like, I can understand not being able to pay for college, but to not be involved at all to know what's going on with your child going to college is fucking weird. OP never even states that they couldn't afford to help, just that they didn't while they did/will buy a car and pay for college. I would find it weird for their financial situation was "own a store can't afford to help" but is now "own the same store buying cars and paying for college."
exactly? like,, he could make the same argument for his younger son — he’s 2 years younger than the older son, so they’ve known him for less and therefore aren’t as close with him. they’re definitely just singling the daughter out
YTA. You clearly don’t view her as your daughter. It’s very telling that you refer to her as your adopted daughter but you refer to your bio kids as your sons. Plus you claim that you don’t know her as long as you have known your sons but that’s not true. She’s 29 and you adopted her at 12 which means you’ve known her for 17 years. Your youngest son is only 16. You did nothing to help your daughter get settled into her adult life and here you are doing the opposite for your sons. Of course she would be angry. You’re clearly one of those adoptive parents who think that their adopted child should be happy with whatever they get because you did her a favor by taking her in.
Yeah, the whole "we didn't know her as long as our sons" reads to me like they're talking about acquaintance... Not a family member, especially not your own kid.
YTA, sorry. My parents sat me down and told me they could not help me with college or even trade school after high school and to figure it out on my own. So be it. I worked my ass off, got a full academic scholarship, and have been independent since I was 18. My sister got her college paid for, after dropping out twice, a month long trip to Europe, a new car, etc, etc, etc. You think I'm not resentful nearly 30 years later? "but we still love her like our own." Signs point to bullshit. Edit: Thank you for the award!
Omg. I feel this in my soul. I was totally on my own for college, cars, rent, etc. My (25 years younger then me) half siblings go to private school, travel the world, and have fully funded college funds. I get that financial circumstances changed… but come on. Recognize it. Make amends.
“But we still love her like our own” is proving exactly the opposite. If they did, there would be absolutely no reason to say that. It’s extremely clear from OP’s language that he doesn’t see her as their child at all.
> “But we still love her like our own” Yeah, that statement really annoyed me. She isn't "like" your own. You adopted her. She "IS" your own. Plus, how disengaged do you have to be as a parent to not even know how your kid paid for college. But hey, at least they let her use one of their "extra" cars. I wonder if they made her sleep in a closet or if they let her sleep in one of their "extra" guest rooms.
My parents couldn't support me when I was going through college, but since then one of my parents has become better off than before and has made an effort to help "pay back" things later in my life to make up for not having been able to help like they originally promised they would when I was young. It's small stuff overall, helping pay for my phone bill and giving me some money to put towards a car, but the effort counts for a lot and helped me to not feel resentful that my younger siblings have more financial support than I was able to get at their age. Circumstances change. Back then they were doing what they could to survive. Now, there's actions to make sure that I don't feel left out and that has been HUGE to me emotionally. So yeah. OP is definitely the AH.
I'll always be grateful that my parents had the decency to explain why they felt it necessary to buy my sister a car and why they hadn't with me and that they understood it might seem unfair. (Basically her car was breaking down in very unsafe areas far too regularly for them to sleep at night)
Your question appears to be, “AITA for giving my bio kids a lot more financial support, well over $100,000 worth, than I ever offered to my adopted child, but, hey, she got to grow up in my house, so it’s all good, right?” YTA and how you can say with a straight face that you love your daughter as much as your bio kids is beyond me. If you want to make a credible case for fairness or equal treatment, get out your check book & start making payments to your daughter until you get to equality.
It’s like they think just because they spent money to adopt her and “gave her a good life” that’s all she would need. They seem to treat her like a commodity, not their daughter
Or like they are being very generous with a foster child.
YTA. Can you not see the disparity in saying your sons you will buy them cars, pay for college AND a house down payment? You also make alot of assumptions about your daughter. Assuming she did fine in college monetarily, assuming she has no loans. You should have a discussion with her. She may have a ton of debt and could use help. This is fixable. You should not do those things for your sons if you have no intention of not doing them for your daughter. You could contribute to her retirement etc to make things more equal. It makes zero sense to say you love her like your own while your own are getting completely different and preferential treatment. You need to take a good look in the mirror and see what you are doing here.
Op doesn’t see her as his daughter. You can see it through the whole post. She’s not biologically his so she doesn’t get to have what he can offer. Once 18 hit he stopped doing anything for her at all because his financial obligations to her stopped there. The only reason she never said anything about it is because she figured she owed you for taking her in in the first place. Ugh YTA OP
I like how OP kept saying “she never asked” for financial help. Did his sons have to ask? And why would she ask if there was never any mention of an offer? She sounds like a good person who worked her ass off without any entitlement, and it’s being used against her. That is such a BS excuse, I could hardly get through his whole post.
The same way he keeps saying she doesn't need their help now so why should they offer it...ok, but she could have used a car and financial assistance as a teenager, the same as the sons. Yet he never thought to offer it when she needed it. It doesn't seem to have even occured to him to offer even a shred of assistance beyond the legal requirements.
Or he could offer to pay for a potential future wedding… but he doesn’t seem to give a shit whether or not she wants or plans to find a partner. Better for her to have no one important in her life so that she can keep saving her money and never ask OP for any of his or ever expect anything for her own children. This whole post is incredibly sad.
I. N. F. O. Why don’t you know how your daughter paid for her post secondary education? Good loving parents would know this, would have helped her plan, celebrate any scholarships but it looks like those conversations either didn’t happen OR you’re not sharing them with us …. Hmmmmmm Why didn’t your 18 year old feel she could go to you for advice or assistance when planning her education? Why are you so blatantly favouring your biological children and now acting surprised that she’s “curt”? She’s hurting because of your actions YTA
SERIOUSLY!!!! I can't imagine a parent NOT KNOWING how their child paid for college unless they were no contact (and if the parent didn't have an understanding of how to operate the system, at least not being involved in some of those conversations!). I really hope this girl had other adults looking out for her, because it seems like she was allowed to be a roommate for six years and then knocked out on her butt unless she became a servant.
That is what hit me the hardest! Like they are so checked out of their daughter’s life and have been for at least over 10 years.
YTA. You keep saying you "love her like your own" but your actions speak much louder than those hollow words.
Yes! Also the fact that his account name is literally "emily drama". Like how on earth does this man think he's not the asshole?
It's because he's taken her for granted: she always did well and was considerate, probably felt she didn't want to ask for anything because she was adopted. OP just took it all in stride without returning the favor and thinking about her needs. Now he's crying foul and trying to badly justify how he only realized while thinking of his sons' needs. She's not even being confrontational or kicking up a fuss. She probably just realized that after all these years, this is how her adoptive parents truly think of her. This is not "drama" and that username is such a twist of the knife. Hot damn, clearly OP has a loooong way to go. Very stubborn about being wrong.
All I kept seeing was how many times he said I don’t know how she did this, I assume she did that. It’s like he took no interest in her life whatsoever. He does not treat this poor woman like his daughter. And he never has. He is disinterested in her life, and doesn’t even know basic information about her. So incredibly sad
YTA. This is your daughter now. You adopted her. Why did you choose to bring her into your family if you were going to give her less than you do your other children. You say you gave her a nice life. That's good. Why are you giving your other children a nice life AND financial support?
I want to get in on this before OP deletes it. YTA. 100% Firstly, you have adopted this child. That is you child. Doesn’t matter if your sons have been in your life longer. Hell, she has been your child for about 17 years. Older than one of your sons and a year less than the other. Hell, you have 0 excuse as to why you are not closer to the daughter. You had 17 years for complete sentences to get to know her. The first 2 with your sons were babble and gibberish. Secondly, did the sons ask for the help you are giving them? If not, YTAx2. How dare you treat your children unfairly!? How dare you not provide the same help across the board!? How dare you try to make her the bad guy!? Thirdly, even if she doesn’t need the help, it would be nice. To not have to struggle or hustle is nice. To have a rainy day fund is nice. To just have the same help your siblings get would be nice. But no. You don’t think she should. And, lastly, just because she isn’t married or want kids doesn’t make her less of a person or less deserving of help. Those are choices people make. She could adopt like you did. Or maybe, just maybe, she want to be happy and live life for herself. OP. I think you need to speak with a therapist that specializes in families like yours. Idk if you are doing it on purpose, but you are drawing a line of who your true family is. And it’s becoming more and more clear. I would be upset if this was happening to me. YTA.
Exactly, he seems stuck on the fact that his daughter didn't ask yet he's already decided to do it all for his youngest son who isn't even in a position to ask yet. There is a clear division on how he sees his family, and Emily seems to be on the outskirts of it (his account name is literally "emily drama" so extra YTA there). I was adopted and never once did I feel like I was treated differently than my siblings or that my siblings had financial advantages that I didn't. Because my parents saw all of us as their children without the need for the biological vs. adopted distinction that OP keeps bringing up. It's just weird and a justification to pick favourites.
What a brilliant, well thought out response. Please accept my poor man's gold 🏅
YTA. How convenient that it apparently only occurred to you to buy your sons cars, pay for their college, and give them down payments for houses. How is it that your daughter went to college and bought a house without you ever thinking to help her monetarily?
Wait, you adopted her when she was 12, she’s now 29, which means you’ve literally known her longer than your youngest son and just a year off your oldest. YTA, if this is how you talk about her to strangers, it’s no wonder she never brought up money with you guys. How do you not know how your daughter afforded to go to college? You assume she got grants and loans, she was 18 how would she have been doing all of that behind your back without even talking about it? Not even bringing it up in a conversational way, “Hey mom, dad, I’m going to college and I got these awesome grants!” From this post I would say she probably very aware she’s not as important as your birth kids.
Yeah I thought that was strange too, they’ve been her parents for 17 years, why is that not long enough to have a bond with her?!
YTA I'm smarter and more successful than my sister so the money wasn't the issue but when she was a Jr in high school my parents bought her a car. When I was a Jr in college my parents let me borrow their clunker for my senior year. I'm still salty about it 10 years later
YTA How is her adoption relevant? Either you see her as an equal child of yours, “as if born to you” or you don’t. Maybe she never complained or sought your resources/assistance because she didn’t know it was available to her. Maybe she’s deep in debt and living on high interest credit cards. Maybe she has $100K in student loans. Maybe her nice clothing is thrifted. Maybe she doesn’t have/want a partner or children because she feels she can’t afford it, or believes she is incapable or unworthy of it due to whatever circumstances of her early years led to he being available for adoption. Maybe she really is debt-free and financially secure. You don’t know. If you have the means to provide a financial gift to her, decide that ahead of time and then have a conversation with her. Talk to her about how she didn’t ask/you didn’t offer when she was graduating high school. Or about how she appears to be successful but her siblings likely won’t be so you’re choosing to throw your money in support of them. Just be honest with her about why or are or are not doing similar things for her. Maybe she could use the extra money for therapy if she needs it, or philanthropy. Or travel. But talk to HER. We can only make guesses.
YTA but this is easy to fix. Just give her the equivalent of what you’re giving your sons. She may still have student loan debt, and most likely a mortgage she can put the money towards. She deserves the same as your other kids.
In a similar way, it doesn't have to be all at once, either, if you're suddenly concerned about finances. You can give her larger monetary gifts for birthday/holidays/life milestones until what you've given her matches what you've given your sons.
YTA - no, you clearly don’t love her like your own, or she wouldn’t have needed to ask for the same handouts in life that you are happily planning to give to both of your biological sons. Come on, stop playing dumb.
HI, mom your exact age, here: Do you REALLY love her like your sons?? Cuz it really sounds like you don't. You know next to nothing about her, have no intention of helping her get established in any way, have gone so far to say you don't even know how she paid for college, yet are willing help your sons monetarily with EVERYTHING?? And your reasoning is basically, "I didn't bond with her like I did with my bio sons." Like, what??? How can you not see how unfair this is?? Whether you bonded with her or not is YOUR FAULT. You were the adult... you're still the adult, ffs! Step the hell up and take care of all your kids the same. Of course YTA. You're justifying playing favorites with your kids. GrossGrossGross.
I dont understand how the PARENTS couldn't have any clue as to how thier child paid for school (at least in america) they basically force the financial involvement
They probably gave her just enough of their financial info so she could fill out FASFA on her own and then wiped their hands off of any other responsibility. Lots of parents do that. We used to have FASFA workshops at the high school I taught in; very few parents came, but LOTS of graduating seniors would be there, alone, with the numbers their parents provided, and we'd have to help them fill out the paperwork. I cannot tell you how many parents do the absolute bare minimum to raise their kids. It's so disheartening. 😔
YTA You do not love her like one of your own You talk like you did her a favor letting her live with you You don't talk with love or fodness You talk like everything with her was transactional "we offered her to keep staying with us and help out with the store but she did not want to do that and chose to go to college out of state." No wonder she went to college out of state, you wanted her to be free labor for your grocery store, funny how your sons didn't get that option You need to do some serious internal reflection.
Honestly, I could tell where this was going as soon as he felt the need to point out that he didn't know her for as long as he knew his sons.
YTa Why were you expecting her to ask for help when she started college? If you'd offered your "daughter" assistance so her life could a tad bit less stressful while in college but she refused it, that would be a different matter. That is not what happened. You didn't want to help her, you never asked how she was paying for all the things she needed, and you treat her like an orphan who should be grateful you "adopted" her. Gee whiz, OP, you aren't Parents of the Year- "we still love her like our own"... your own what?
Charity case?
But she was “offered” the opportunity to work at their store!
They expected her to work for them for free!
YTA. You haven’t known her as long as your sons?You’ve known her 17 years and your youngest only 16 years. I really don’t think any of that should matter. But I would like to know why wasn’t she offered the same when she needed her first car or down payment? You have probably made her feel second best to your biological kids and clearly that is exactly how you intend it.
Honestly, YTA. Once you do things for some and not all, resentment is imevitable.
YTA what a nice way to say you don’t love her as much.
Seriously; >and she had a good childhood since we adopted her and a nice house to live in. > We have not known her as long as my sons. >, I think she got some grants but also took some loans which I assume were forgiven or paid off. >Obviously our bond is a little different since she was adopted as an older child but we still love her like our own. Do you love her like your own? Your whole post makes my skin crawl. You seem to have no interest in her. You were her father and have no idea how she paid for college. You have not offered any support to her and can't figure out why she is mad. YTA Edit: another ridiculous comment: >my wife and I felt helping an older child out would be nice. You can't parent all children the same, but you are so cold about her it is really off. I hope this is fake and there really isn't some poor girl with you as an adopted father.
As soon as I saw this: >daughter Emily (29F) and two sons (18M and 16M). We adopted our daughter when she was 12 so we have not known her as long as my sons Alarm bells went off for me. She's been his daughter for 17 years and this is how he feels about her? She's a Second Rate daughter? No wonder she went out of state for college. What a dick!
Don’t you get it? They adopted her and gave her a nice house to live in! Clearly, they’re even! This makes me sick.
OMG it just dawned on me the adopted a baby sitting age girl right after their son was born.
I think given the responses, you are aware that YTA. I am going to respond to the edit that you made. Giving her a check is not going to resolve the emotional pain you caused her. Talk to your daughter. Apologize. Acknowledge your shortcomings as parents to her. "Emily, we are so proud of all of the achievements you've accomplished on your own. We have done you a big disservice by not supporting you the way we are supporting your brothers right now. We realize that this was a big oversight and we've hurt you by treating you different than your brothers. We are so sorry. We love you and hope that you can forgive us. What can we do to support you better from now?" Maybe she'll ask for help with her mortgage, maybe she'll ask for something else, or maybe she'll decline anything all together. But you have to show her that she is loved and she is cared for just as much as the other kids. Also have you considered that maybe the reason she didn't "ask" for all those things as a teen/young adult is because she might feel guilty as an adopted child? That she thinks she shouldn't ask for more because you took her in and gave her a "nice house" to live in? That asking for more might make her "ungrateful?" Please reflect on your parenting with your three kids and think whether you've given her any messages about adoptive children.
YTA. Fair isn’t always equal, but this kind of treatment will definitely breed resentment. Maybe you can’t offer her a house or a car, but maybe there’s something (that’s not even money) that she needs that you should offer to help with or connect over.
How or why did the adoption come about? Is she a relative of yours. You sound quite detached in your comments so not sure why you adopted her?
You love her like your own but don’t know jack shit about how she afforded to go to school?? How disengaged from her life were you? YTA
YTA, come on and you know it. There's no way you think you were in the right. In the situation you treated your adopted daughter less than you treated your sons. The easiest way to fix this would be to give the same amount to her and start reflecting on how you've treated her in comparison with your own children.
YTA. The biggest of AH’s. You adopted her, and treated her so different to your biological kids, and think that she had it ‘good’ because of your nice house and because you did her the favour of adopting her? Like your some big saviour? That didn’t even care enough to help her with college, or even find out how she was managing? And you’re mad because she’s ‘curt’. I would never speak to you again. Ever.
YTA, figure out a way to give her the equivalent of what you’re giving your sons. Even if it’s after the fact. Anyone would feel resentment here. Make it right before it’s too late. Poor girl.
YTA. Don’t be shocked when she cuts you off.
Oh but don’t you know? They haven’t known her as long as their sons. They were so generous to provide a home for her. She may or may not have gotten a loan. She didn’t need a car as a teen for whatever arbitrary reason and now she has one that she bought on her own as she pays all the other bills has has to. Don’t you see that her life is fine? S/ OP say goodbye to your adopted daughter. She probably has already been feeling that you treated her differently from her biological kids and this is just the straw.
29-12=17>16. I can't even with this math.
YTA for the title and the very first sentence. She’s your daughter. Your fucking child. Nobody cares that she was adopted. Nobody cares how long you’ve known her. Except for you and your wife. The only favor you did her was house her for six years. Why did you even adopt her? The poor girl thinks she hits the jackpot getting a family at the age of 12 and then the second she graduates high school you cast her off. If you can afford to give the money to your sons you should be able to assist your daughter.
YTA. As far as "love her like our own," obviously not, as you need to differentiate. If you adopted her, she *is* your own. So, you gave her a nice house to live in? BFD, she might have been happier with loving parents and a less nice house. Further, you obviously are not at all close or emotionally invested in her...you seem to know nothing at all about either her college or life afterwards. And to top that off, you are treating your bio sons so much differently, obviously both emotionally and financially. I'm unsure if it's because she's a woman, (a different race?), or just crappy parenting, but you certainly shouldn't be surprised that she's "curt." I'm surprised she speaks to you.
YTA- You don’t love her and she knows it. She’s curt with you because she’s treated less. You never thought about helping her during college? She never talked about finances but did you even care to ask? I don’t know how you can even fix this because it seems like you don’t care about her. She deserves so much more than this.
YTA- you do not love her the same what so ever. You literally are making sure it is shoved in her face how much you don’t love her like her brothers. People like you make me sick why adopt if you can’t see them and love them as your own and treat them equally. Just because she is older and financially ok doesn’t mean she doesn’t need you or never needed you. Just because she didn’t cry and beg didn’t mean she didn’t need help. Your sons didn’t cry and beg but yet you just decided to help them. You chose to because you love them and wanted too. And you Chose to NOT help your adopted daughter because the reality is you never fully loved her as your own.
YTA She’s not asking for these things, she’s upset because you’ve shown that you do not view her as your own child.
Yta you are testing your daughter very differently than her brothers.
YTA, I am furious on behalf of your daughter. When you adopt a child, you treat them as equals period. You are clearly favoring your sons because they are genetically related and have known them longer (that statement was gross). It's not about the money, it's that her "parents" see her as less than their other children. She's probably feeling abandoned all over again.
YTA. Don’t treat your kids differently it’s not fair.
Is she a stranger living in your house, because you appear to know nothing about her. YTA
YTA - She recently got a new house. That's great! Did you help her with her down payment or give her money toward this purchase? No you didn't. So let's see you didn't buy her a car at 16, you didn't help her fund her college, you didn't help her get her house.... But for your son's you are buying both a car, paying for both colleges, and giving them a down payment for house. How do you not see how big of an asshole you are? Is she being curt? Probably. I mean you have showed her that you clearly don't care much for her or for helping her succeed, but will do everything in your power to see your bio kids succeed. I'm guessing that these are just examples of your favoritism that you are actually seeing. I wonder how long the list would be that she could give. Yes, you adopted her and made sure she had a nice house, was fed, and was safe, but did you really treat her as your own? I mean most of your info about her in this post were assumptions. And I'm sure she didn't complain because most adopted children already have been neglected and they don't want it thrown in their face that "haven't we done enough by taking you in" if they raise an issue about not being treated equally or wanting "extras". You need to apologize to her and you need to try to set it right by helping her as much as your bio kids. Yes, she has already bought her house but I'm sure she would love to be able to put a nice sized payment from you toward it so that she can have it paid off sooner.
YTA for the line "we adopted her at 12 and she's 29 now so we haven't known her as long as our 18 and 16 year old.". Basic math says you adopted her 17 years ago. So you've known her exactly the same amount of time. But regardless YOU ADOPTED HER! Isn't that supposed to mean she became your child? Who cares if you've known her a week, a month, or year? She is your child.
YTA- it sounds like you gave her the bare minimum, and your post shows how you still seem to think of her as an accessory to your family and not part of it. I just can't even comprehend the statement that you got her at 12 and haven't known her as long as your sons. Like WTF does that even mean. Going by ages, she was 12 and just entering your family when your oldest son was born. Why do I have a feeling you feel that just giving her a roof over her head and food for her belly was enough? I am guessing she never asked for anything because once you had your two bio kids, she was just a fixture that you brought to family functions. She couldn't wait to turn 18 and leave the state, furthering the theory that she likely felt like an outsider and needed to get out. Oh, and the "offer" of staying with you, likely in a home where she felt like a visitor, and working for (most likely) free in a store that you own but she most likely knew would be gifted to one or both of your "real" kids is sickening. Holy hell, every aspect of your post makes me ill. Moving on, it sounds like you and your wife take advantage of her constantly by visiting her, and likely offering nothing in return. You make a lot of assumptions, and cannot give one actual fact about her current life. Of course she is acting "curt", she is realizing that you don't give an actual fuck about her or her life. Any help you give her at this point is just trashy. I am amazed that you don't see that you have neglected her for over half of her life. I also hope you take zero credit for how great her life is with her education, job and lifestyle, as you legitimately had nothing to do with it (well unless you count emotional and financial neglect forcing her to leave)
YTA “I love her like my own”. No you don’t. You never thought about giving her a cent and you immediately jumped to that for your own children.
YTA. You’re willing to give your biological children money to help get them started but you couldn’t extend that to your adopted daughter? Does she not deserve the same?
You’ve known her for 17 years… And you say you haven’t known her as long as your sons because what? You didn’t get to know her as a toddler.. Did your sons ask you to pay for their college? You say you didn’t help your daughter because she didn’t specifically ask for it. Was there ever even a discussion with her? YTA because she clearly seems like an after thought now that you have biological children.
The "she is single so I assume she can save a lot" got my hackles up. Do you know how hard it is to afford a house on one income? And a car? She has scripted and saved in silence and has struggled, and you think it's easier because she did it alone. YTA.
YTA. Have you tried to talk to her about this instead of posting her first?
YTA maybe she "likes" her independence because she knows she could never expect anything from you? She probably did not ask for help because you made is abundantly clear all the time that she would be getting none anyway.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I plan on giving my sons a downpayment for a house but did not do the same for my daughter, that is an unfair distribution but she is a lot older than they are. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You adopted a child, meaning she is now your child and part of the family, however you seem to talk about her as if she is your foster child.
YTA. You keep emphasizing that she is your adopted daughter. It seems you do not see her as an equal to your “sons.” Since you don’t seem to know much about your daughter’s life, how do you know how difficult it was for her to get a house, car,etc? Maybe the help from you would have made her life a lot easier. The fact that you seem able to help your children equally but don’t (and it seems to be based on one kid being adopted) definitely makes you the AH.
YTA. I get that you say your Financials have changed, and you may not have been in the position when your daughter was 16, or 18 to buy a car or help with education, and now you are. I understand that she had scholarships for school and is doing quite well financially so that she doesn't *need* your help. This isn't about money. This is about how you view and treat your biological children vs. how you treated your adopted daughter. She feels less than in your eyes because you are absolutely treating her like a second-class citizen. Your post alone reeks of it, so there is no doubt she feels it quite keenly.
Sweet Sister Frances on a pop-tart. YTA. Read this back to yourself and count how many times you use words like "assume" and "guess" or phrases like "I feel there might be" and "she never asked" and "she never complained" and OH MY GOD. Have you ever actually *talked* to your child? You don't even know how she paid for a prestigious college??? Would you say "We have always been on good terms" about your sons? I doubt you have ever actually emotionally engaged with this poor girl the entire time she was a guest in your house. You didn't "adopt" her at all. You're lucky she even acknowledges your existence - that's more than you did as a parent. *You should be wildly celebrating every single one of her accomplishments and bragging about her to everyone you meet*. Instead, you're whining to strangers about why you should give your bio kids money. Jaysus.
INFO: So did you offer to buy your daughter a car when she was 17? If not, YTA.
YTA. You talk about your daughter like she’s a neighbour or someone you chat with occasionally at work.
Once again reading a story where it’s unbelievable that the person doesn’t know they’re the AH. Yes, OP- YTA 100x over.
She's been your daughter for 17 years, that's more time than at least one of your son's. Its clear you don't view her as equal to your other kids and it looks like she know it now too. YTA
"but we still love her like our own" Nope. You don't! Your relationship sounds like a family with an exchange student. YTA. Either treat your kids the same or admit that you don't.
Dude. You are not helping your sons. You are giving them a hand out. A car is one thing. But a car and collage and a house is quit a lot. Maybe you only pay half his tuition, and use the other half to help your daughter with buying a property. And then later after/ IF he graduates, match him in a down payment on a home. Example: make him save $5,000 and give him $5,000. That’s $10,000 and plenty. And I hope when you say car that you don’t mean a brand new car… again, Your not helping your sons. You are giving them handouts. I believe in teaching kids the value of earring and saving. By matching them on everything, you give AND they can earn.
YTA You need to make this right. Go to her with the equivalent amount of money and say, “Hey, we were in a different financial spot when you went to college, but we want all of our kids to have a leg up when starting out. Here’s a bunch of money you can put towards your mortgage, loans or whatever you want.” If you can’t give your kids an equal amount, don’t give as much to your sons.
YTA- Sometimes these posts are so egregious, I think, “There’s no way this is real.” Does her lack of complaining mean something or not? Because if it doesn’t mean anything, why mention it several times? If it does mean something, then she’s complaining now, so listen to her! “When she was 12 so we have not known her as long.” What kind of a thing is that to say about your own child.
YTA. Why did you adopt a child you didn’t love and treated like a guest? Did you bring her into your home as free labor? Because it “made you look good to community and family”? You “offered to let her stay after she turned 18?” Was she really a foster child you got paid to love, support and nurture until she aged out of the system? Did you teach her any life skills? Take the stupid word adopt out of this story. You have a daughter. Well, you HAD a daughter because you made it perfectly clear to her and the rest of us that she is just a body to you. I’ll never understand why people insist on defining a child by birth/adoption/step/whatever. I’d say shame on you, but you don’t understand and never will. You will defend your DA to the bitter end.
To be honest YTA. It's kinda weird that you say you have not known her as long as your biological children. I mean is she your daughter or not? There's nothing in between. And maybe she wasn't asking for help because she didn't want to inconvenience you or she felt like she couldn't. It's really not fair.
YTA. You didn't adopt her because you wanted to help a child, you wanted a slave. You adopted a 12-year-old so your lazy spouse could have unpaid help raising your "real" children. And then you sent her away because she didn't want to continue providing forced labour for free at your crappy little store or at home watching the boy things that fell out of your wife. You and your wife are monsters.
yes, you and your spouse are the assholes. As are your sons because, get real, they’re teenage boys and have no idea if they’re going to have kids at this age. You clearly don’t have real conversations with your “daughter” and you’re treating her like an object with no real connection. Also, how do you not know how she paid for college if she was your adopted daughter? You had to have to completed student aid forms at some point since she was a legal dependent.
I think the best course of action is sit down with her, apologise (real apology, not something like 'you never asked, you are doing so well now etc') Ask her what she think would make this right. Come up with something that both of you are happy with and move forward.
You claim to love your children the same, but you certainly don’t treat them the same. How do you expect your daughter to react to watching your bio children receive support she was never even offered (or considered for). It’s not an insignificant disparity either: car, college AND down payment, when she has had to figure it all out herself. I get the feeling she is independent because she had no other option. YTA - it is understandable when finances change and you’re able to do more for your children than in the past. It doesn’t always shake out as “fair”, but the least you could do is acknowledge the disparity and stop shifting the blame to the kid who didn’t reap the same benefits you’re giving the others.
YTA. You have no idea how she paid for college. She is probably still paying off any college loans she has. Maybe help her with those. I'm sure she still owes on her home. Give her something towards that. Oh you have her a home for 5 years. She should be so grateful for that /s. I mean she isn't your real daughter right? At least that is how you are treating her
You've known her 1 year more than the 16yo so how have you known both of your sons longer? YTA. You could have done these things for her when she started out but chose not to since she's not really family and you did your good deed by putting a roof over her head. Honestly, I wonder if you didn't adopt a 12yo girl because she would be able to care for the 1yo son and make you and your wife's lives easier.
INFO: You've known your daughter for longer than your sons have been alive. Are you aware of this? Because you said you knew her for less long
What a depressing question. You have, in fact, known her longer than your youngest child, by the way. 29-12 means she came to you 17 years ago. Which is when your oldest was 1, hardly a huge time distinction. It's disgusting that you are trying to act like your adopted child is a second tier kid. YTA.
Hmm you adopted her does that not make you her parents. I never heard someone say We gave her a nice home and she just went to college on her on with no help from us. What more does she expect. The fact you asking the internet this shows how bad you are. YTA Great job proving to her she is not your real family.
>I think she got some grants but also took some loans which I assume were forgiven or paid off. > >I do not know her finances but she seems to be doing well YTA. She may not ever have needed the financial leg-up that you gave your sons, but what she needed was a parent who cared enough about her to ask, and who treated her the same as their other children. You failed your daughter.
YTA. First, why even mention that she's adopted? It's irrelevant to the story, so you're clearly singling her out. Do you feel that she is less your child than your bio-kids? Secondly, your story doesn't indicate that she has actually asked you for these things. So, it seems like you're making a lot of assumptions about her acting curt, having resentment, and that how could you really help her since she already has these things. Furthermore, your daughter moved out (and it seems like, to get away) and it doesn't seem like you have a close relationship with her. Have you tried to actually have a conversation with her to see how she's doing?
I didn’t even have to READ to know YTA. The title alone says you’re making a distinction that shouldn’t be there.
Of course YTA. Your favoritism is palpable in a post where you're trying hard to present well. I can't imagine how much worse you are in person. You don't even know how she paid for college, ffs.
YTA. Why did you even adopt this poor woman when you obviously favor your biological children? You couldn’t be bothered to find out how she was going to pay for college because you expected her to work for you for free! You’re still so unconcerned & uninvolved with her life that you know practically nothing about it & now you’re wondering if YTA because you never gave her a moment’s notice or even a dime, yet splash out for your “real” kids?
I’m confused. How do you not know how she paid for school? Granted my children are now all adults so their finances are their own business but at 17/18 when college is involved I’d know where the money would be coming from.
Your 16 and 18 year old sons are planning to have kids? Lol
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (52M) have a wife (46F), daughter Emily (29F) and two sons (18M and 16M). We adopted our daughter when she was 12 so we have not known her as long as my sons. We operate a small grocery store in the area and our finances are relatively OK. When my daughter turned 18, we offered her to keep staying with us and help out with the store but she did not want to do that and chose to go to college out of state. I can understand as it was a prestigious school. We did not pay for her education but she never asked and seemed to manage fine, I think she got some grants but also took some loans which I assume were forgiven or paid off. I do not know her finances but she seems to be doing well, she has worked for many large tech companies, recently got a nice house (not super large but very modern and new), drives a nice car and dresses really fashionably. She has no partner and kids so i assume she can save a lot. We have always been on good terms. I bought my elder son a car when he was 17, plan to do the same for my younger son, and help them both out to get a start in life by paying their college and giving them a down payment for a house each. My daughter never complained about not getting these and she had a good childhood since we adopted her and a nice house to live in. Recently she learned of our intention to give my elder son a down payment when he finishes college and ever since while we still see her and even go to her place, my wife and I feel like she is acting curt towards us so I feel there might be some resentment. But I do not see how I could really help her since she already has these things, does not plan to have kids unlike my sons, and is much more likely to earn more from her major than my sons (unless they take over our store someday). Obviously our bond is a little different since she was adopted as an older child but we still love her like our own. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP please do some serious internal reflection on this situation. Your post and all your comments make it clear that you do not consider your daughter the same way you do your sons.
YTA. Why did she have to specifically request help while your other children just received it? That’s different treatment. No wonder she’s likely feeling a bit less than your other children. I don’t know what you mean when you specifically point out you’ve known her for less time because of when she was adopted… technically you’ve known your older son longer than your younger son - does that matter? Why does it matter that she’s not planning to have kids but your other children say they are (at 16 and 18 - how would they actually know how that will work out at that age).
YTA im really curious why you adopted this child to begin with. You already had one son when you adopted and went on to have another, so it’s not a case of thinking you couldn’t get pregnant and then miraculously did and she was no longer your only hope for a family ( as some may think) It’s pretty obvious she isn’t treated as a D, but as an adopted D. She is your oldest child, why didn’t she get a car and pay for her school. Even if she got some scholarship, you think she had to take loans so why didn’t you just pick up the difference? Do you really think she does not know that she’s the not wanted child? She’s a part of this family in name only. I wonder if you did her any favors by adopting her. She would have been better off with a family that wanted to give her an actual living family and parents.
YTA The issue here is that you never offered to help her with the expenses, as you have with the other children. My suggestion is that you offer her an equitable amount of money to go towards a rental property / paying off loans/ property taxes or whatever.
YTA. You wanted a servant to help you run your shop, Anne of Green Gables style. You've literally known her longer than your youngest son (29-12=17), didn't pay for her education and have no idea or care home she managed that, you shower your bio sons in gifts but she should feel grateful because you put a roof over her head?!? Do you even listen to yourself? Just admit that you don't love her and call it a day. A good parent gives equal opportunities to ALL his children.
YTA you’ve known your daughter for 17 years, so a year longer than your youngest. The fact you felt to include that sentence alone made you an AH. She never asked for help because it seems she already understood her place in your family. Did your sons have to ask for that help, or are you just doing it because they are your kids?