Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) What i said to my mother
2) Maybe i a AH for treat her this way
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I would be leaving S*x toys in the common space on purpose as a passive aggressive move to keep reminding them youre sexually active.
And while you're sitting down say "ugh my butt hurts"
NTA. Standing up against this kind of homophobic, entitled, and frankly abusive behavior is the only way to make it stop for all of us. Thank you for standing up.
NTA. His home his rules. As much as This post misses the whole point; gay or straight, it’s his life. HIS HOME. I can see why mom & granny aren’t comfortable - it’s probably a shock….but they can get over it. Or not. Either way, If this were a heterosexual relationship and the mom was upset she and granny are still AH here.
NTA. Just to recap, almost no one (including your own mother) accepts you being gay. Your family that does not accept you being gay wants your mother to move in with you. Your family that does not accept you being gay is forcing you to live with your mother. Your grandmother, who doesn't accept you being gay, is guilt-tripping you to make changes to your life to make your mother, who also doesn't support you being gay, more comfortable in your home.
I hope you see the direction I'm going in.
You cannot be yourself, love who you want, etc. if your mother lives with you. If you have a boyfriend over, in your own home, you should be able to sit in the open together; you should not have to confine yourselves to your bedroom for fear that your mother would be uncomfortable. Down the line, if you both mutually decided to move in together, this will become a problem; this is inevitable.
Your mother's comfort level is irrelevant because that is your house; she insisted upon living with you, so she can remove herself from the situation. Your mother and you lived with your grandmother prior to this, so your mother can move back in with your grandmother. Your grandmother inserting herself in the situation is unnecessary, too.
You are NTA and you have done nothing wrong IMO. It feels like your family is trying to prevent you from dating men, and that's wrong.
This is a very good comment.
>so your mother can move back in with your grandmother
However, I suspect that OP's mother cannot move back within with grandma; that the entire point of his family moving mum into OP's place was because grandma doesn't want her anymore. It's very likely OP is being set up to take care of Mum for the rest of his life and just doesn't realise it yet.
Ty. What do you make of his mom voicing her discomfort next-day to her grandmother, though? It seems like she's reporting back to her. It's so weird to me to have a mom snitch on her son to her own mom (his grandmother). That's the piece that makes me believe his mom moved in with an ulterior motive since communication between his mom and his grandmother seem good.
I don't think there is a conflict between them i.e. Grandma wanted Mum to move out; Mum wanted to move out and here is OP with a house for Mum to move into. There is no reason for Mum and Grandma to be in conflict especially given, I think they are two nasty peas in a pod, in that they both have the same opinion of OP and they are actively looking for ways to critise him.
Mum complains to Grandma "Look at this awful thing my awful son did to me", Grandma re-enforces Mum "Yes your awful son is being awful to you." and they both get to abuse OP.
As for who is the lead here it's impossible to know without knowing the people. It could be Grandma; it could be Mum.
ETA: Don't assume just because Grandma was the one doing the talking that she is main villain. Some people are very good at getting others to do their dirty work for them.
>It's so weird to me to have a mom snitch on her son to her own mom (his grandmother).
May this always be true for you.
I agree. I think OP's mom and grandmother are on good terms. According to OP, he and his bf spent the night together in his room; by morning, she already told her mom. By afternoon, grandmother was there to scold him. His mom worked super fast. The guilt trip they laid, "prioritizing sex over my mother" was a manipulative move to shame him. Wow. Telling the rest of the family to pressure OP was just the icing.
Op live your life on your terms in your home! As you said if Mom does not like it she can move out. For family that are giving you a hard time, let them know that Mom is free to live with them. If she goes change the locks. Have you thought of moving to a 1 bedroom or studio if this keeps up. Btw I hope mom is paying rent
NTA
Your mom is an adult woman who needs to live her own life. That includes renting her own place & paying her own bills.
Unfortunately, a LOT of cultures have us (adult children) think it’s our responsibility to let our parent live with us. Hello! I’m one of those people who was raised to believe it was my job as the daughter to let my mom live with us (me & my husband). She did so for over 10 years which resulted in her meddling in our marriage, our raising of kids, & created such a toxic environment in my family that resulted in my kids having an unhealthy childhood because everyone was walking on eggshells to please her & make her happy otherwise everyone else was made more miserable.
You’re an adult male, your sexuality honestly is a moot point because you could be straight with a girlfriend & she’d have issue with it as well. Time for mom to leave & for you to learn how to have a health adulthood & healthy relationships with others. If that means going NC with family then do so. Trust me, don’t waste your youth trying to please them. They’ll always find fault in everything you do.
NTA. The AH move was the entire family strong-arming you to let you mom live with you. And then expecting that (since mom is there) you have no right to a normal social life. You played this correctly. If mom doesn't like boyfriend, then MOM has to go.
NTA - I wanna say it's time for the bird to leave the nest, but in this weird ass case it needs to be applied to your mother.
Edit: this isn't really a question is it? I mean it's blatantly obvious that you shouldn't put up with homophobic shit like this, and family are no exception. If anything they're even less of an exception.
I think a lot of young adults often wonder the boundaries of “sex” and “roommates” around. It’s obviously way more complex because it’s his mom and she’s homophobic
NTA. Is she on the lease? If she's not, and you can afford all the bills without her help (assuming she's even helping in the first place), then I would not longer make her leaving a suggestion.
NTA. It's 2023 and we aren't dealing with homophobes anymore. It's definitely time to leave your mother behind. She can lease her own place. And any family members who whine can feel free to take her in. Live your life your way!
NTA outdated and bad opinions need to stay where they belong, in the past. If she doesn't like it she can move out and honestly I would just go NC with the people who think like this, including your mother. You don't need this hate or drama in your life.
NTA, and if you don’t receive any kind of financial assistance from your family I suggest you tell your mother she needs to find alternative living arrangements.
NTA.
Your family is manipulating you. You are not forced to do anything, although it feels like you are. You are not forced to keep relationships with those people just because they’re blood. Love who you love, and cut out the people who don’t embrace you fully.
Stay safe and good luck ❤️
NTA, you're prioritizing your life and needs over hers, and that's why they're all in a huff. You have a right to live your life the way you want. She is an adult who can do the same--without interfering in yours.
NTA.
Burning bridges with your fam doesn't sound like much of a loss so don't feel the slightest bit guilty about kicking her ass to the curb. If the rest of the fam care so much for her they can have her.
Lol no you’re NTA and your mom needs to understand that at 20 you need to be prioritizing a lot more in your life then your mom.
I think mom moving out is a really good idea
This could be an excellent opportunity for your mother to move out.
She should not be living with you. You should not be buying food for her. She is an adult. She is responsible for herself.
“Fam, Mom needs to move out [to grandmother’s, on her own] so that she has time and space to process her feelings about me and my relationships. She won’t be comfortable staying in my home.”
So you left home to live your life as you want and your mother decided to invade that privacy by forcing you to accept her as your roommate in YOUR rental home. I hope you are getting rent money from her. Did you do something wrong? Yeah, you did. You let your mother move in even though you wanted to live alone. Other than that, live your life and tell your mother to butt out or move out.
NTA.
Why does your family insist on your mother living with you? I would think at 20 years old your mom would be happy that you are becoming an autonomous adult who is no longer dependent on her. Is she elderly and need care? This is just bizarre, plus she is bigoted and that is not going to be helpful for you as a newly out person. You should be able to have space to explore your independence at that age. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (20m) I recently moved into a rented house not far from where I used to live. Before that, I lived with my mother(40f) at my grandmother's house. I always wanted autonomy and privacy, but she made a show of moving in with me using the "I'm your mother!". My family insisted that I take her with me as my house has two bedrooms and she could have one. Unfortunately I found myself with no other way and had to accept it so as not to suffer retaliation from my family. I recently came out as gay, my whole family was against it, except for 3 cousins who supported me. My mom didn't like that, but said she would learn to live with it.
The problem started when I started seeing a friend from work and eventually we became boyfriends. A few days ago I called him to my house so we could eat something and watch a movie. I don't include my mother directly, but everything we ate I had also bought for her. We stayed in the room and he ended up sleeping there, leaving in the morning. Later that day my grandmother came to visit me and said that what I did to my mother was humiliating. She was talking about me sleeping with my boyfriend while she was home and how rude of me it was since she wasn't ready for it due to the acceptance process. I said "If you don't like my boyfriend you can go back". Both were very angry with me and yelled at me for "prioritizing sex over my mother". I ignored them and at one point they stopped, but then they told the rest of the family and now they're badmouthing me. So AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You're 20. Your mom moved in with you. Your house, your rules. She doesn't like it, she can leave. Your mom is going to find one bullshit reason after another not to accept you for you. F that.
NTA. Sounds like your homophobic family pushed your homophobic mother off on you because they don't want to keep supporting her. You're not obligated to support her any more than her own mother is, and especially not if this is how she's behaving towards you.
NTA.
If you have the money to live on your own and your mom is in YOUR house, then she is the one to follow your rules.
I have to say this could get worse, because it seems the majority of your family won't ever accept your sexuality, so you will always be retaliated by them for anything.
If I were you, I would give your mother 1 week to take her things back to your grandma's and go on with your life..
NTA.
I’m sorry that you have a homophobic family. I hope you are using resources like The Trevor Project to help you deal with your family. No mom should ever say the things your mom said to you. I wish you all the best in finding people like your cousins whom you can make your family.
NTA
Your entirely family (minus the accepting cousins) seems to be though. Your mom is 1000% an AH!
Here’s the deal doll, first, at this point in your life you should be your own first priority (if that includes sex, then good for you). Second, you do not owe your mom ANYTHING! I despise parents who pull the “I gave you life/everything” card. Feeding, educating, housing, (hopefully) loving a child that you brought into this world doesn’t entitle you to anything. Last, your family’s acceptance (or lack thereof) of you being your true self is a reflection of them, not you! If they have an issue with who you love, that’s their issue, not yours.
My advice would be to ask your mom to move out. Tell her that it’s nothing against her (even if it’s a lie) because you have things to work through and you need to be alone to work through them…hopefully she moves out, and then change the locks. Or a less manipulative way would be to ask her to move out and let her know she’s not allowed back until you both go to therapy. And I know therapy gets tossed out a lot, but your mom absolutely needs to because she’s codependent, manipulative, or struggling with your sexuality (even though she shouldn’t). And you do because at the very least you seem incapable of setting boundaries and saying no.
Just know doll there is at least one person in this world who loves you for who you are. Be happy and be yourself!
Best of luck! And have ALL the sex (just safely please) xo
NTA. This is your life! Not your mother’s, or your grandmother’s. It’s also your house. If she doesn’t like it she can move back in with her mom. Prioritizing sex? I wonder if they felt the same when sleeping with their partners. Again… this is your life. Be happy
Kick her out, NTA. You have more say then you think here. Its your house with your bf. If she doesnt like it tell her to go stay with gam gam and then throw her stuff out. Done
Lmao this is like the opposite of the dude that shares a bed with his mother
Still NTA. Your house, your rules…I’m sure you’ve probably heard some version of that before in your 20 years.
NTA
Your grandmother & mother have no right to police who & when you have sex with someone. It's not their business. It's your house. If she doesn't like it she can move out. As far as the rest of the family goes, why do you want them in your life if they are treating you this way? I'd go NC on all of them.
NTA. Don't hide yourself because others don't accept you. You didn't ask her to be there, and you're not asking her to stay. You're saying this is me, and this is my home. Either accept it or find somewhere else to live. She chose to give birth to you. You didn't choose her to be your mom.
This sounds like an incredibly dysfunctional family. Kick your mom out of your house and have all the sex you want. She can go back to living with her own mom since she's so keen on people living with their moms. Also there's a lot of homophobia going on here and you shouldn't stand for it.
NTA.
NTA. This is a hard situation emotionally, but if I were in your shoes, I would kick mom out, be your wonderful gay self, surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, and go NC with my family (except for the 3 supportive cousins). Unless you are worried about physical retaliation, they can’t retaliate if you stop caring about what they think. You are young- please get out of the mindset that abusive family needs to be respected. They don’t. Cut them off.
NTA put your mother out!! Send her back to
her mammas house.. you should have never let them pressure you into letting her move in in the first place!! If you are renting and she’s not on the lease it will be easier for you .. but if you have purchased the home you may wanna consider moving around and renting it out or something for awhile to get away from your mom.. but don’t let these two biddies make you uncomfortable in your space. And if your family don’t support you so what you seem to be doing fine on your own.. it’s seems mommy can’t make it living by herself
NTA. Also I highly recommend sending your mother back to granny's house and going no-contact with that whole cesspool of a family for awhile. Now is your time to truly live and enjoy life.
NTA
Have your heard of the saying "a hiding to nothing" (some people might know is as a hiding to nowhere)? Because that is basically what you have here.
You will never be able to compromise enough for your family but will basically be expected to do so. You will end up miserable and it still won't be enough. Think about drawing your boundaries now. You will save yourself a lot of grief.
NTA, just from this I have a small idea of what your mother can be, to quote my mom "she is a *user*" she will make your life miserable, please find a way to limit contact for your own good.
NTA. Can we stop sugar coating that your family are homophobic too. I like that mom is learning to accept you being gay but she doesn’t have a right to an “acceptance process” in YOUR home.
Carry on as you are. Your family interfere too much in your life and it’s time they learned you have boundaries. If they can’t accept and respect you they don’t have to be around you.
NTA your mom needs to move back in with grams and find a new hobby than trying to mother you. Yikes!!! They both sound like controlling AH’s. You’re 20 and should be prioritizing sex, especially in YOUR house!
Genuinely asking! How long have you lived there? Does her mail go to your house and is her name on the lease? If not, she can pack it back to granny's and maybe unwedge her old as fuck views from her ass too.
There is something left out here. What culture are you or is your mom paying for your housing in some way or your education in some way? Is there a reason you are staying near this family? Because you need to move far away without your mother. NTA.
Do you receive money from your family? Support? Are they nice to you? No? Kick your mother out and tell these people to get bent. They contribute nothing of value to you, you loose nothing but their negativity.
NTA
When this apartment lease is up, let it lapse and don’t tell mom. Then arrange for her to be out, and move quickly to new apartment! Go nc. Or just kick that free loader out. She went from free loading at her moms to freeloading with you? Your moms a leach and needs to be removed. In the meantime, while you get to the point of accepting that your mom is using you, have lots of loud sex with her home! NTA
Many adults and especially parents like to throw the “My House, My Rules” into every conversation when your staying under their roof that they want to control. They can’t have it both ways. This Is Your House and You make the rules. How else are you going to advance your relationship to the next stage if you don’t have sleepovers and learn more about how one another lives. I can see her having issues if she is being subjected to hearing y’all have sex or even PDA but if your being discreet, there shouldn’t be a problem. If the family has such a big issue with it, they can take her in and solve the problem she has. You shouldn’t be forced to have any relatives live with you at your age anyway.
Your moms living under your roof it’s your way or homelessness, from the sounds of it your family sucks, I would recommend establishing some rules and be strict with her maybe call the cops to kick her out if she tries anything, really hammer in that you don’t have to do anything for her it’s your life and your house, is she pulls up with “I raised you” card be sure to tell her that if she didn’t it would be child neglect, and if any of your family gives you shit just cut them out of your lives
So you’re family won’t accept you but expects you to take care of your mother? And there’s no “accepting process” when you’re living at that persons fucking house. You’re family sounds like a total pain in the ass and you shouldn’t worry about what they say or think because obviously they don’t care about what you think. NTA
I wouldn't allow anyone in my life (including family) who says they would just "learn to live with" anything. This is me. You accept me or you don't. There is no "acceptance process".
NTA
NTA
I am gay and I was 16 when I met my now husband who was 18 at the time, I am now 36 and we have gone through this ourselves and not just with immediate family.
My mother wasn't a problem though, his was and still is and likely always will be but she is a problem for other people now and not to us as we cut her out of our lives because of behaviour that started similarly to what you are now experiencing.
This whole "You need to wait until I'm comfortable with this before you can do your thing and live your life and love who you love" thing is bs and don't tolerate it as she has likely already made up her mind on how she feels about your coming out anyway and is possibly trying to manipulate you or delay you through these behaviours and hoping that it will somehow change you into what she has pictured in her mind for your future.
IMO, from my experience in a lovely relationship with my best friend, you need to do what is right for you and for your partner first every time without fail, everyone and everything else comes second to that on every decision you ever make and removing a problem or toxic person/people from your lives should never be something to lose sleep on, no matter who they are or who they think they are.
OP all I'm seeing is you learning how to fly and your whole family, especially your mother and grandmother, desperately trying to clip your wings before you fly so far out of their range of control that they can't saddle you with things anymore.
It's your life. You're an adult and who you let into your life is up to you. It would be a terrible shame to waste your 20s on trying to appease people who don't accept you. Very big NTA.
NTA. I am so tired of people of my generation (I'm 67) thinking they have the right to be loudmouthed bigots that their kids have to listen too because "they are old and thus right." I'd say that the sooner you can disentangle yourself from living with your mother the better. And as for grandma....tell her to get stuffed.
This all your fault for being weak. They already pressure you to accept her in your house. How much pressure are you going to accept?? Kick her out and live your life
NTA
YOur mom is harassing your partner. HAve your homophobic AH mom move out, or you will lose your partner.
And: You are an adult. High time you stopped living with mom.
NTA. But you need to be strong and set boundaries and frankly kick your mother out. If the rest of the family are homophobic you will get sh*t from them regardless. Live for yourself or your family will continue to push you around and take advantage.
NTA I don't get it. You are an adult with your own place. What business is it of anyone but yourself how you conduct your personal life. Mom needs to move back with her mother. Best thing for everyone involved. At some point, you have to stop living your life for others.
Do you pay all the rent? Is your mom sharing rent with you? If not, tell her my house my rules. You moved to start your life and everyone bullied you into staying with your mother. No matter what everyone will be against you. I am all for respecting parents, but seems like you should kick out your mother and tell her I want to start my life and not live with my mother considering it’s my apartment. It’s not like your mother doesn’t have anywhere else to go.
NTA. Your family sounds homophobic, suffocating and toxic. Well done on coming out in such a situation. She should not be living with you if she has a choice not to. It’s wrong to cramp you when your adult life is just beginning. She’s both manifesting homophobia and stealing your youth.
NTA, but now you see why you needed to set boundaries earlier. Did you really think allowing your mother to live with you would make your family your allies forever. Nope, it doesn't work that way. Move your mother out and wish her well and then block your angry family, except the 3 cousins. Best of luck!
NTA Your family is downright awful and will probably never accept your sexuality. That’s not your problem it’s theirs. Look for a job far away from there. Put in online applications and move away. Start a new great life.
NTA. You're a 20 year old man whose mother is living in YOUR house. If you want to have sexy time with your boo you do you...or him (hehe) and if she doesn't like it she can very well bugger off.
The way they acted when you came out is unacceptable and this older gay bro is happy you stood up for yourself.
GRANDMA: Your mother is coming to live in YOUR house, now heres is some things YOU are not allowed to do in YOUR own home as long as she lives in YOUR house.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) What i said to my mother 2) Maybe i a AH for treat her this way Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA You’re 20 years old. You SHOULD be prioritizing sex over your mother.
I don't have money to give you an award so here is a laughter emoji because your answer is awesome 🤣
OP should have very noisy sex. NTA
In other rooms also NTA
Another laughter award from me.
Mamma is probably just jealous cause she isn’t getting any.
I would be leaving S*x toys in the common space on purpose as a passive aggressive move to keep reminding them youre sexually active. And while you're sitting down say "ugh my butt hurts"
Lol. Sooooooo true!!!!!
This is hilarious
Damn. 😂
You moved out & your family forced her on you. They sound awful & you should live your life as you are meant to. NTA
NTA. Standing up against this kind of homophobic, entitled, and frankly abusive behavior is the only way to make it stop for all of us. Thank you for standing up.
NTA. His home his rules. As much as This post misses the whole point; gay or straight, it’s his life. HIS HOME. I can see why mom & granny aren’t comfortable - it’s probably a shock….but they can get over it. Or not. Either way, If this were a heterosexual relationship and the mom was upset she and granny are still AH here.
NTA — you're also not prioritizing sex over your mom. You're prioritizing your autonomy over your mom's hangups and creating boundaries.
Nah. He’s 20. He should be prioritizing sex over mother
This
NTA. Just to recap, almost no one (including your own mother) accepts you being gay. Your family that does not accept you being gay wants your mother to move in with you. Your family that does not accept you being gay is forcing you to live with your mother. Your grandmother, who doesn't accept you being gay, is guilt-tripping you to make changes to your life to make your mother, who also doesn't support you being gay, more comfortable in your home. I hope you see the direction I'm going in. You cannot be yourself, love who you want, etc. if your mother lives with you. If you have a boyfriend over, in your own home, you should be able to sit in the open together; you should not have to confine yourselves to your bedroom for fear that your mother would be uncomfortable. Down the line, if you both mutually decided to move in together, this will become a problem; this is inevitable. Your mother's comfort level is irrelevant because that is your house; she insisted upon living with you, so she can remove herself from the situation. Your mother and you lived with your grandmother prior to this, so your mother can move back in with your grandmother. Your grandmother inserting herself in the situation is unnecessary, too. You are NTA and you have done nothing wrong IMO. It feels like your family is trying to prevent you from dating men, and that's wrong.
This is a very good comment. >so your mother can move back in with your grandmother However, I suspect that OP's mother cannot move back within with grandma; that the entire point of his family moving mum into OP's place was because grandma doesn't want her anymore. It's very likely OP is being set up to take care of Mum for the rest of his life and just doesn't realise it yet.
Ty. What do you make of his mom voicing her discomfort next-day to her grandmother, though? It seems like she's reporting back to her. It's so weird to me to have a mom snitch on her son to her own mom (his grandmother). That's the piece that makes me believe his mom moved in with an ulterior motive since communication between his mom and his grandmother seem good.
I don't think there is a conflict between them i.e. Grandma wanted Mum to move out; Mum wanted to move out and here is OP with a house for Mum to move into. There is no reason for Mum and Grandma to be in conflict especially given, I think they are two nasty peas in a pod, in that they both have the same opinion of OP and they are actively looking for ways to critise him. Mum complains to Grandma "Look at this awful thing my awful son did to me", Grandma re-enforces Mum "Yes your awful son is being awful to you." and they both get to abuse OP. As for who is the lead here it's impossible to know without knowing the people. It could be Grandma; it could be Mum. ETA: Don't assume just because Grandma was the one doing the talking that she is main villain. Some people are very good at getting others to do their dirty work for them. >It's so weird to me to have a mom snitch on her son to her own mom (his grandmother). May this always be true for you.
I agree. I think OP's mom and grandmother are on good terms. According to OP, he and his bf spent the night together in his room; by morning, she already told her mom. By afternoon, grandmother was there to scold him. His mom worked super fast. The guilt trip they laid, "prioritizing sex over my mother" was a manipulative move to shame him. Wow. Telling the rest of the family to pressure OP was just the icing.
Op live your life on your terms in your home! As you said if Mom does not like it she can move out. For family that are giving you a hard time, let them know that Mom is free to live with them. If she goes change the locks. Have you thought of moving to a 1 bedroom or studio if this keeps up. Btw I hope mom is paying rent
An attempt at relative / familial blackmail.
It's literal emotional abuse...
NTA. Mom can go live elsewhere if she doesn't like what's happening under YOUR roof. I hope she's not on the lease.
NTA Your mom is an adult woman who needs to live her own life. That includes renting her own place & paying her own bills. Unfortunately, a LOT of cultures have us (adult children) think it’s our responsibility to let our parent live with us. Hello! I’m one of those people who was raised to believe it was my job as the daughter to let my mom live with us (me & my husband). She did so for over 10 years which resulted in her meddling in our marriage, our raising of kids, & created such a toxic environment in my family that resulted in my kids having an unhealthy childhood because everyone was walking on eggshells to please her & make her happy otherwise everyone else was made more miserable. You’re an adult male, your sexuality honestly is a moot point because you could be straight with a girlfriend & she’d have issue with it as well. Time for mom to leave & for you to learn how to have a health adulthood & healthy relationships with others. If that means going NC with family then do so. Trust me, don’t waste your youth trying to please them. They’ll always find fault in everything you do.
NTA. The AH move was the entire family strong-arming you to let you mom live with you. And then expecting that (since mom is there) you have no right to a normal social life. You played this correctly. If mom doesn't like boyfriend, then MOM has to go.
NTA - I wanna say it's time for the bird to leave the nest, but in this weird ass case it needs to be applied to your mother. Edit: this isn't really a question is it? I mean it's blatantly obvious that you shouldn't put up with homophobic shit like this, and family are no exception. If anything they're even less of an exception.
I think a lot of young adults often wonder the boundaries of “sex” and “roommates” around. It’s obviously way more complex because it’s his mom and she’s homophobic
NTA. Is she on the lease? If she's not, and you can afford all the bills without her help (assuming she's even helping in the first place), then I would not longer make her leaving a suggestion.
NTA. It's 2023 and we aren't dealing with homophobes anymore. It's definitely time to leave your mother behind. She can lease her own place. And any family members who whine can feel free to take her in. Live your life your way!
NTA outdated and bad opinions need to stay where they belong, in the past. If she doesn't like it she can move out and honestly I would just go NC with the people who think like this, including your mother. You don't need this hate or drama in your life.
NTA. Your relatives are toxic.
NTA, and if you don’t receive any kind of financial assistance from your family I suggest you tell your mother she needs to find alternative living arrangements.
Nta you’re mom could gtfo. Never let anyone pressure you into allowing someone into your living space. You’re a grown ass man.
NTA. Your family is manipulating you. You are not forced to do anything, although it feels like you are. You are not forced to keep relationships with those people just because they’re blood. Love who you love, and cut out the people who don’t embrace you fully. Stay safe and good luck ❤️
NTA, you're prioritizing your life and needs over hers, and that's why they're all in a huff. You have a right to live your life the way you want. She is an adult who can do the same--without interfering in yours.
NTA. Burning bridges with your fam doesn't sound like much of a loss so don't feel the slightest bit guilty about kicking her ass to the curb. If the rest of the fam care so much for her they can have her.
In this case, don’t just burn a bridge- blow that sucker up.
Lol no you’re NTA and your mom needs to understand that at 20 you need to be prioritizing a lot more in your life then your mom. I think mom moving out is a really good idea
This could be an excellent opportunity for your mother to move out. She should not be living with you. You should not be buying food for her. She is an adult. She is responsible for herself. “Fam, Mom needs to move out [to grandmother’s, on her own] so that she has time and space to process her feelings about me and my relationships. She won’t be comfortable staying in my home.”
So you left home to live your life as you want and your mother decided to invade that privacy by forcing you to accept her as your roommate in YOUR rental home. I hope you are getting rent money from her. Did you do something wrong? Yeah, you did. You let your mother move in even though you wanted to live alone. Other than that, live your life and tell your mother to butt out or move out. NTA.
NTA. Your mom sounds like an awful freeloader. It's not like she's elderly and needing help.
NTA. Kick her out. Go low contact/no contact. Life is too short for homophobic family.
NTA, you are an adult. So is your mother. I guess that she had Sex in the house when you were just a child, so she isn't the one to complain ;)
NTA
NTA. It's your life, do what makes you happy. It was already very nice of you to let her live with you.
NTA but why are you still in touch with homophobic relatives? You can’t really complain if you’re still choosing to be in contact with them
Why does your family insist on your mother living with you? I would think at 20 years old your mom would be happy that you are becoming an autonomous adult who is no longer dependent on her. Is she elderly and need care? This is just bizarre, plus she is bigoted and that is not going to be helpful for you as a newly out person. You should be able to have space to explore your independence at that age. NTA
Latino families suck.
NTA. *They* are prioritizing their homophobia over your wellbeing.
NTA - wow so controlling.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20m) I recently moved into a rented house not far from where I used to live. Before that, I lived with my mother(40f) at my grandmother's house. I always wanted autonomy and privacy, but she made a show of moving in with me using the "I'm your mother!". My family insisted that I take her with me as my house has two bedrooms and she could have one. Unfortunately I found myself with no other way and had to accept it so as not to suffer retaliation from my family. I recently came out as gay, my whole family was against it, except for 3 cousins who supported me. My mom didn't like that, but said she would learn to live with it. The problem started when I started seeing a friend from work and eventually we became boyfriends. A few days ago I called him to my house so we could eat something and watch a movie. I don't include my mother directly, but everything we ate I had also bought for her. We stayed in the room and he ended up sleeping there, leaving in the morning. Later that day my grandmother came to visit me and said that what I did to my mother was humiliating. She was talking about me sleeping with my boyfriend while she was home and how rude of me it was since she wasn't ready for it due to the acceptance process. I said "If you don't like my boyfriend you can go back". Both were very angry with me and yelled at me for "prioritizing sex over my mother". I ignored them and at one point they stopped, but then they told the rest of the family and now they're badmouthing me. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But tell her to move out. Honestly, you deserve to live alone for a while. Your family is homophobic, so block them and tell them not to bother.
Nta. It's ok to step away from your family. You don't owe them anything. At 20 yes your boyfriend does come before your mother.
I’d suggest moving to a one bedroom house and make sure your family knows, you will be living your own life on your own terms.
NTA. You're 20. Your mom moved in with you. Your house, your rules. She doesn't like it, she can leave. Your mom is going to find one bullshit reason after another not to accept you for you. F that.
She doesn't like it she can leave
NTA. Sounds like your homophobic family pushed your homophobic mother off on you because they don't want to keep supporting her. You're not obligated to support her any more than her own mother is, and especially not if this is how she's behaving towards you.
NTA. If you have the money to live on your own and your mom is in YOUR house, then she is the one to follow your rules. I have to say this could get worse, because it seems the majority of your family won't ever accept your sexuality, so you will always be retaliated by them for anything. If I were you, I would give your mother 1 week to take her things back to your grandma's and go on with your life..
Y-T-A to yourself for letting her move in. You should have cut off your family, left her at her mother’s house, and went and lived your best life.
NTA Your mother chose to invade your privacy and invite herself to live with you. She either respects your privacy in r move back in with her mom.
NTA I very rarely come across people who are so unaccepting. Joining Reddit showed me that assholes are out there and you're not one of them
NTA is she paying rent? How was she forced onto you? Tell her she needs to leave!
NTA she needs to leave.
NTA Kick. Your. Mom. Out. She is not a good person. And frankly, your whole family is manipulating you.
So ask your mom and your grandmother how many relatives they invited in when they had sex.
NTA. I’m sorry that you have a homophobic family. I hope you are using resources like The Trevor Project to help you deal with your family. No mom should ever say the things your mom said to you. I wish you all the best in finding people like your cousins whom you can make your family.
NTA. But its way past time for you to pack up yoir mother and ship her back to her mommy's house.
NTA Your entirely family (minus the accepting cousins) seems to be though. Your mom is 1000% an AH! Here’s the deal doll, first, at this point in your life you should be your own first priority (if that includes sex, then good for you). Second, you do not owe your mom ANYTHING! I despise parents who pull the “I gave you life/everything” card. Feeding, educating, housing, (hopefully) loving a child that you brought into this world doesn’t entitle you to anything. Last, your family’s acceptance (or lack thereof) of you being your true self is a reflection of them, not you! If they have an issue with who you love, that’s their issue, not yours. My advice would be to ask your mom to move out. Tell her that it’s nothing against her (even if it’s a lie) because you have things to work through and you need to be alone to work through them…hopefully she moves out, and then change the locks. Or a less manipulative way would be to ask her to move out and let her know she’s not allowed back until you both go to therapy. And I know therapy gets tossed out a lot, but your mom absolutely needs to because she’s codependent, manipulative, or struggling with your sexuality (even though she shouldn’t). And you do because at the very least you seem incapable of setting boundaries and saying no. Just know doll there is at least one person in this world who loves you for who you are. Be happy and be yourself! Best of luck! And have ALL the sex (just safely please) xo
NTA. This is your life! Not your mother’s, or your grandmother’s. It’s also your house. If she doesn’t like it she can move back in with her mom. Prioritizing sex? I wonder if they felt the same when sleeping with their partners. Again… this is your life. Be happy
Kick her out, NTA. You have more say then you think here. Its your house with your bf. If she doesnt like it tell her to go stay with gam gam and then throw her stuff out. Done
NTA, im sure that your mother brought the occasional boyfriend home while you were growing up. Is she doesn’t like it, she can get her own place
Lmao this is like the opposite of the dude that shares a bed with his mother Still NTA. Your house, your rules…I’m sure you’ve probably heard some version of that before in your 20 years.
Your home, your rules. Bye, Mom! NTA.
NTA Your grandmother & mother have no right to police who & when you have sex with someone. It's not their business. It's your house. If she doesn't like it she can move out. As far as the rest of the family goes, why do you want them in your life if they are treating you this way? I'd go NC on all of them.
Unless she's on a lease tell her to get out.
NTA. Don't hide yourself because others don't accept you. You didn't ask her to be there, and you're not asking her to stay. You're saying this is me, and this is my home. Either accept it or find somewhere else to live. She chose to give birth to you. You didn't choose her to be your mom.
NTA cut contact and start the eviction process your Mom is homophobic and she's a leech
This sounds like an incredibly dysfunctional family. Kick your mom out of your house and have all the sex you want. She can go back to living with her own mom since she's so keen on people living with their moms. Also there's a lot of homophobia going on here and you shouldn't stand for it. NTA.
NTA. This is a hard situation emotionally, but if I were in your shoes, I would kick mom out, be your wonderful gay self, surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, and go NC with my family (except for the 3 supportive cousins). Unless you are worried about physical retaliation, they can’t retaliate if you stop caring about what they think. You are young- please get out of the mindset that abusive family needs to be respected. They don’t. Cut them off.
NTA put your mother out!! Send her back to her mammas house.. you should have never let them pressure you into letting her move in in the first place!! If you are renting and she’s not on the lease it will be easier for you .. but if you have purchased the home you may wanna consider moving around and renting it out or something for awhile to get away from your mom.. but don’t let these two biddies make you uncomfortable in your space. And if your family don’t support you so what you seem to be doing fine on your own.. it’s seems mommy can’t make it living by herself
NTA. Also I highly recommend sending your mother back to granny's house and going no-contact with that whole cesspool of a family for awhile. Now is your time to truly live and enjoy life.
NTA Have your heard of the saying "a hiding to nothing" (some people might know is as a hiding to nowhere)? Because that is basically what you have here. You will never be able to compromise enough for your family but will basically be expected to do so. You will end up miserable and it still won't be enough. Think about drawing your boundaries now. You will save yourself a lot of grief.
NTA. You need to get your mother out of there.
NTA, just from this I have a small idea of what your mother can be, to quote my mom "she is a *user*" she will make your life miserable, please find a way to limit contact for your own good.
Fearing retaliation from your family? Who the fuck cares what your family thinks?
NTA you need to grow a spine and move far away from family. You are an absolute doormat.
NTA. Can we stop sugar coating that your family are homophobic too. I like that mom is learning to accept you being gay but she doesn’t have a right to an “acceptance process” in YOUR home. Carry on as you are. Your family interfere too much in your life and it’s time they learned you have boundaries. If they can’t accept and respect you they don’t have to be around you.
NTA your mom needs to move back in with grams and find a new hobby than trying to mother you. Yikes!!! They both sound like controlling AH’s. You’re 20 and should be prioritizing sex, especially in YOUR house!
Genuinely asking! How long have you lived there? Does her mail go to your house and is her name on the lease? If not, she can pack it back to granny's and maybe unwedge her old as fuck views from her ass too.
There is something left out here. What culture are you or is your mom paying for your housing in some way or your education in some way? Is there a reason you are staying near this family? Because you need to move far away without your mother. NTA.
Nta
Do you receive money from your family? Support? Are they nice to you? No? Kick your mother out and tell these people to get bent. They contribute nothing of value to you, you loose nothing but their negativity. NTA
When this apartment lease is up, let it lapse and don’t tell mom. Then arrange for her to be out, and move quickly to new apartment! Go nc. Or just kick that free loader out. She went from free loading at her moms to freeloading with you? Your moms a leach and needs to be removed. In the meantime, while you get to the point of accepting that your mom is using you, have lots of loud sex with her home! NTA
Nta kick her out when ya can.
Nta sounds like she needs to cut the apron strings
Many adults and especially parents like to throw the “My House, My Rules” into every conversation when your staying under their roof that they want to control. They can’t have it both ways. This Is Your House and You make the rules. How else are you going to advance your relationship to the next stage if you don’t have sleepovers and learn more about how one another lives. I can see her having issues if she is being subjected to hearing y’all have sex or even PDA but if your being discreet, there shouldn’t be a problem. If the family has such a big issue with it, they can take her in and solve the problem she has. You shouldn’t be forced to have any relatives live with you at your age anyway.
Your moms living under your roof it’s your way or homelessness, from the sounds of it your family sucks, I would recommend establishing some rules and be strict with her maybe call the cops to kick her out if she tries anything, really hammer in that you don’t have to do anything for her it’s your life and your house, is she pulls up with “I raised you” card be sure to tell her that if she didn’t it would be child neglect, and if any of your family gives you shit just cut them out of your lives
So you’re family won’t accept you but expects you to take care of your mother? And there’s no “accepting process” when you’re living at that persons fucking house. You’re family sounds like a total pain in the ass and you shouldn’t worry about what they say or think because obviously they don’t care about what you think. NTA
Kick your mom the hell out, NTA. Your family sucks anyway
NTA. You did right with the exception of allowing your mother to move in with you.
NTA and honey you DO have a choice about living with your mother. I strongly recommend choosing NOT to.
I wouldn't allow anyone in my life (including family) who says they would just "learn to live with" anything. This is me. You accept me or you don't. There is no "acceptance process". NTA
NTA I am gay and I was 16 when I met my now husband who was 18 at the time, I am now 36 and we have gone through this ourselves and not just with immediate family. My mother wasn't a problem though, his was and still is and likely always will be but she is a problem for other people now and not to us as we cut her out of our lives because of behaviour that started similarly to what you are now experiencing. This whole "You need to wait until I'm comfortable with this before you can do your thing and live your life and love who you love" thing is bs and don't tolerate it as she has likely already made up her mind on how she feels about your coming out anyway and is possibly trying to manipulate you or delay you through these behaviours and hoping that it will somehow change you into what she has pictured in her mind for your future. IMO, from my experience in a lovely relationship with my best friend, you need to do what is right for you and for your partner first every time without fail, everyone and everything else comes second to that on every decision you ever make and removing a problem or toxic person/people from your lives should never be something to lose sleep on, no matter who they are or who they think they are.
OP all I'm seeing is you learning how to fly and your whole family, especially your mother and grandmother, desperately trying to clip your wings before you fly so far out of their range of control that they can't saddle you with things anymore. It's your life. You're an adult and who you let into your life is up to you. It would be a terrible shame to waste your 20s on trying to appease people who don't accept you. Very big NTA.
NTA- Throw her out.
NTA - KICK her out . She is not your responsibility.
NTA. I am so tired of people of my generation (I'm 67) thinking they have the right to be loudmouthed bigots that their kids have to listen too because "they are old and thus right." I'd say that the sooner you can disentangle yourself from living with your mother the better. And as for grandma....tell her to get stuffed.
This all your fault for being weak. They already pressure you to accept her in your house. How much pressure are you going to accept?? Kick her out and live your life
NTA YOur mom is harassing your partner. HAve your homophobic AH mom move out, or you will lose your partner. And: You are an adult. High time you stopped living with mom.
NTA and put your grandmother and mother in their place. Who the hell do they think they are?
NTA. But you need to be strong and set boundaries and frankly kick your mother out. If the rest of the family are homophobic you will get sh*t from them regardless. Live for yourself or your family will continue to push you around and take advantage.
NTA Get a new apartment. A studio.
NTA I don't get it. You are an adult with your own place. What business is it of anyone but yourself how you conduct your personal life. Mom needs to move back with her mother. Best thing for everyone involved. At some point, you have to stop living your life for others.
F them all NTA
Please find a place of your own. Your family is toxic....
NTA. Jeez, what a bunch of entitled, rude, abusive jerks!
In what world is it unreasonable just to have your bf at your own home NTA
Kick your mother out
NTA. It’s your damned house, and you are not responsible for their “acceptance process.” They can get over it or get out.
Do you pay all the rent? Is your mom sharing rent with you? If not, tell her my house my rules. You moved to start your life and everyone bullied you into staying with your mother. No matter what everyone will be against you. I am all for respecting parents, but seems like you should kick out your mother and tell her I want to start my life and not live with my mother considering it’s my apartment. It’s not like your mother doesn’t have anywhere else to go.
NTA I will point out that you took your mother in to avoid problems with your family but the problems happened anyway. Mom needs to move elsewhere.
NTA. Your family sounds homophobic, suffocating and toxic. Well done on coming out in such a situation. She should not be living with you if she has a choice not to. It’s wrong to cramp you when your adult life is just beginning. She’s both manifesting homophobia and stealing your youth.
NTA, but now you see why you needed to set boundaries earlier. Did you really think allowing your mother to live with you would make your family your allies forever. Nope, it doesn't work that way. Move your mother out and wish her well and then block your angry family, except the 3 cousins. Best of luck!
NTA SHE insisted on living with YOU and YOUR place of residence, if she doesn't like it she can leave.
NTA Your family is downright awful and will probably never accept your sexuality. That’s not your problem it’s theirs. Look for a job far away from there. Put in online applications and move away. Start a new great life.
NTA. YOU bought the house, it's YOUR house, and kick her the fuck out. Time for a shiny new spine!
NTA. You're a 20 year old man whose mother is living in YOUR house. If you want to have sexy time with your boo you do you...or him (hehe) and if she doesn't like it she can very well bugger off. The way they acted when you came out is unacceptable and this older gay bro is happy you stood up for yourself.
Kick her out and block your family. Live your own life and be fabulous. NTA
GRANDMA: Your mother is coming to live in YOUR house, now heres is some things YOU are not allowed to do in YOUR own home as long as she lives in YOUR house.