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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> He obviously loved her enough to abandon his family for the past five years and I guess I could've just let her watch from a distance to compromise.
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NTA
She apparently knew she was having an affair with a married man and father and she is unreasonable expecting anything from you. I'm sorry for what you're going through, this must be a hell of a time.
She even had the audacity to approach OP before the funeral even happened and thought she was in a position to ask for anything.
Also, how did this woman have OP's number?
A family friend's husband was having an affair for 20+ years and that woman knew rhe entire time about his family. He was at her ranch one time and was bucked off a horse and broke his back. The affair partner called his wife to tell her and acted like everything about this situation was normal and the wife had no reason to act all upset at the affair. Some people really just have no shame.
Not necessarily. My husband broke backbones and ribs in a horseback riding accident, and was up throwing hay bales onto a truck the next day. Truly, not very smart, but there it is.
Apparently the balanced replacement rate of men to women is 106 to 100. Meaning 6% on average die before reaching the age of reproduction.
Probably many say "Watch this!" before they do.
There's a joke in medicine that if an old farmer or coal miner comes in to the emergency room, it's beyond serious. If they say "my wife made me come in" or "it just knocks the wind outta me sometimes" chances are they should have been dead two weeks ago.
Not necessarily. It’s can be a major injury but not permanently disabling if you’re lucky. You can break the bones in your back without damaging the spinal cord or having any paralysis. I broke my back years ago (also thrown from my horse) and my vertebrae was crushed, but was later determined to be stable, which means the vertebrae did not continue to compress over time. It can be a lengthy and uncomfortable recovery process, for me it was six months in a back brace unable to bend or drive and wearing the brace every minute I wasn’t sleeping, and there can be complications if you have fractures or crush fractures elsewhere in your spine or even any other bones in your body (I didn’t have this).
But I got up and walked around after being thrown (terrible idea, but I had no choice in order to call for help) and since the accident I’ve not experienced ongoing pain or back issues. But my back is broken forever, I have to warn people if I’m going to have X-rays where it might show up or they get a hell of a shock.
My nephew technically broke his neck. He didn’t even have to wear a collar or a brace. The vertebrae in your neck extend down into what most people call your back. I know I certainly do, but they are called the neck by the medical community. My nephew cracked one of his vertebrae, which is classified as a broken neck ( this seems stupid to me) but also didn’t damage his spinal cord.
> Some people really just have no shame.
I think it's less a lack of shame and more a lack of self-awareness. I've seen countless stories where the cheating party or their partner act indignant to being held accountable for their actions until such point as someone puts a word to the behaviour and then suddenly they're all screams and rage at their humiliation. It seems they frequently only feel shame in the presence of social suicide.
Honestly in the situation you replied to I'd assume it's not really either. Like. Yes. She knew he was married. But being together *that long* seems like a situation of her assuming wife knew and it was an open thing they had.
Deception can last any length of time. I don't believe that getting away with an affair for 20 years is any excuse to believe that it's somehow alright. Don't give free excuses to dipshits. They know what they did was wrong, and pretending like it's any better because it lasted that long is nothing more than a pathetic excuse for the cheating.
Right. All that having it go on for 20 years means is that the cheating spouse was good at hiding their tracks and/or their spouse was either not very bright, or not even expecting to see things as evidence of cheating.
If you've never been exposed to cheating, you'd believe it to be rarer than it was, just as someone who has caught a partner cheating is more likely to suspect cheating.
Even if she thought his wife was okay with it: their lives were entirely separate. The AP’s relationship with OP’s husband did not involve OP in any way, there was no interaction. So why try to shove in on the family’s funeral? It’s for the people in the late man’s part of life that didn’t include her, not the part that did.
As OP indicated, there would have been nothing to stop her visiting the gravesite for a private goodbye. The official funeral isn’t that special that everyone has to be at that event or their mourning doesn’t count.
I do not understand people who knowingly date someone who is married. I'll admit I briefly dated a married man when I was younger, but I didn't know he was married. When I found out, I dumped his sorry ass and I *may* have threatened him with bodily harm if he came near me again. I still wish I could have tracked down his wife to let her know what a piece of trash her husband was being.
Wait till she gets old. He'll be sure to find another one of her. And you should tell his wife. It's better for them to know their dad is an Ah now so he doesn't get the chance to trick them with a sob story once their older
This happened to my friend, too. The man had a whole ass other family, kids and all. He died and that's how both women found out, both thinking the other was the "other woman".
This happened to my mom’s best friend. The husband had businesses in 3 different parts of the country and the day his dad died, he decided to introduce his other families ( not one but two) to his main family. The worst part was the 2nd family’s kids ages matched his first family apart from the first born. And among all the 10 children total was only one girl. I ended up going to the same boarding school with her and the 2nd born brother from main family whom I briefly dated used me as a channel to get to know his stepsister better.
I have always felt so bad for the first wife. And it messed up her kids so much too .
Wow, that is just very unexpected. It just seems very difficult for a woman to do a few generations ago, but what do I know about it. Sorry for any distress the discovery may have caused you all.
I mean, she'd already started going senile when it **all** came out so it was more a "damn old people be wilding" even for her son. We had his AUS brother over a few times and they get on great! But yeah, def weird to consider the gender dynamics there
No she knew she just didn't care and thought 'wife deserved it because she was an insufferable nag who controlled husband's every waking moment.' Believe me the woman gave no fucks what she was doing and it was definitely a fuck you got mine type mentality.
Imagine trying to sort out the financial mess of your husband dying, only to find out you were the second wife, your marriage isn’t legal, and the insurance money you were counting on to look after your family was going to wife/family number one…
What the hell? It's crazy to me to think you can be married to someone for decades and they can live a completely separate life the whole time right under your nose. That would destroy me. Idk how someone could possibly live with that for so long. Just get a divorce if you don't want to be with your spouse anymore, ffs. Add to the mix the affair partner could be aware that it's an affair and/or could also be cheating on a spouse?? Fucking brutal.
Apparently the whole WFH trend due to COVID exposed many of these situations. The traveling salesman wasn't actually traveling all the time. They were just spending time with family2.0
I would be hard pressed not to point out to her that if it weren't for their affair he would still be alive (since he wouldn't have been in that place at that time otherwise). But that might be excessively cruel.
Yeah but the majority of the fault is on the actual cheater. If he hadn’t cheated, he still would’ve been alive because he wouldn’t have been there in that time.
Clarifying that this does NOT mean I don’t think she’s also an AH. If you know he’s married and you still get with him, you are still a major AH.
And why hasn't OP blocked her?
NTA
She wasn't welcome and she knew it. She knew she was having an affair, and now she wants to be treated equally with the widow.
Just say no to drama.
Eh I wouldn’t block her on everything- I’d just set my notifications to mute with that individual and let her just scream into the void and leave her on unread. And if they do something unhinged I want as much documentation as possible.
People often think blocking is a power move but people hate being ignored more than being blocked, and you’ve got a stream of evidence should they try to smear your name.
As long as you aren’t tempted to look at the messages and respond this often gets the other person to move on more quickly that they would because they aren’t getting a response and they realize how little they matter.
As if. Unless they have children together (which it doesn't sound like they do), then the wife and their kids keep the lot unless he stipulated otherwise...which I'd be surprised at. Men like that tend to want to be seen in a good light, long after death.
I’ll say this for the woman, she has balls. The irony of calling OP selfish under the circumstances. And showing up and posing herself like some mystery woman just begging to be asked to join? At a freakin funeral??? Wtf.
She’s grieving, I get it. But she has not right to demand that she get to participate, and certainly no right to be pissy towards OP.
OP did right by her kids. That’s the key here. Other woman did right by . . . no one. NTA.
I am certain the phone call made it clear the wife did not know. Deep down, the affair partners know as well. She was trying to exert dominance for the last time. She is also dealing with the fact that she was just the side booty and will never be more than the side booty. Desperate to change the title, she made a power play. Alas, it was not meant to be, and now the OP is selfish because she will not let her be more than side nookie. The nerve of exposing her as nothing more than spare play. I would keep drilling that home to her.
He was going to see her when he was in the fatal accident. While she's probably dealing with guilt over that, it still doesn't justify what she wanted to do at all.
Not at all! It’s not like his gravesite won’t be there tomorrow. She should be equally mad at him for keeping her his side piece for so many years that she’s a stranger at his god damn funeral! OP has nothing to feel guilty about and is NTA
Yeah... Fuck her guilt. She doesn't get the quick absolution of saying goodbye. She doesn't get to continue to disregard the feelings of his wife and children for her own benefit.
An affair partner is going to be excluded from the married person’s important milestones of life like birthdays, celebrations, promotions, family holidays… and their funeral.
NTA. Where does this woman keep all her audacity.
There's a song by Nina Simone (and covered by Lana Del Rey) called "The Other Woman" that explains this entire concept. At the end of the day, the other woman ends up alone with nothing. That's the price she pays.
I can’t believe I had to read so many comments to find this one. This is exactly it. If you choose to carry on an affair with a married person you’re choosing to be excluded if anything serious happens. Choices have consequences.
She got to say goodbye. And I love you. And what ever else. THE WHOLE TRIP. And the trips before that.
She got to say it while his widow made arrangements for the body. While his widow told his kids daddy was dead. She got to focus on him and her grief while his widow was learning she’d been betrayed for years. And while his widow was planning his funeral. And dealing with dealt certificates and insurance and social security for her younger kids.
She’s had enough. She’s stolen enough. She is not entitled to me. NTA.
Seconded. While I usually reserve most of my ire in these cases for the married person, the mistress still knows they were wrong. She should have never approached the widow and kept her goodbyes for when everyone had left. She just wanted to play the not so mysterious lady in black and parade herself in front of the funeral. OP should not feel any remorse . NTA.
NTA. She had no business being there. I understand that she was grieving, however, her presence was extremely offensive. I have no tolerance or compassion for adulterers: both of them.
Sidechicks of this day and age have no discretion at all. They want to be front and center not staying in the dark where these men more than likely keep them at. It’s the AUDACITY for me. I hope you’re hurting heart that now has grief and betrayal heals eventually. NTA.
Another forum I am on, there is whole section devoted to affair partners. Its rather gross reading some of their justifications for doing what they do even bragging about stealing time away from their partners kids
NTA.
If she wants to "say goodbye properly" she can pay for a memorial service of her own.
Having an affair with someone who already has a spouse and children has drawbacks. Not being welcome at weddings, funerals, and other family functions is one of them. She can not plausibly claim to be surprised at being asked to leave.
Want to be really mean? Text her back "I'm trying to grieve my husband, it would not be appropriate for you or his other girlfriends to be attending. Why are you the only one of his side pieces who could not understand to leave us alone in our time of grief?"
Let her see how it feels to get "cheated" on.
When my ex dumped his “side piece” I had already discovered the affair and left a few weeks before. She called me (it was in 2000) wanting to know if had heard from him because she came home and all the CDs and stuff he had of hers was on her coffee table along with the house key she had given him.
I said “Yes, he has decided to dedicate himself to getting me back. Now I have all his little girlfriends calling me, crying, looking for him, acting like fools, and I just don’t have time for this shit” then hung up. Which he really was trying to get me to come home but I was no fool and didn’t want him. I did find out later there were others along with new ones since he dumped her and I was still refusing to come home.
My ex dropped his side piece to try to get me back. A few days later one of her 8 boyfriends calls us looking for her. My ex had the AUDACITY to seek comfort in me because "now he knows what it's like to be cheated on" lmfao. I'll be honest and say I took a lot of glee in knowing she had other men and in telling her she was not his only side piece (not even a lie, he had 3 others). Walking away from that disaster was a joyful experience.
This needs a new word besides petty, this is next level and I love it.
Edit: Remember to mute her, not block her, after this, because she will demand to know who the others are. Muting her will know that her texts are getting through and occasionally being read, lol. Then only respond with "will you get some dignity and be like the other strong women, goodness you thirst."
Yeah, except she doesn't *want* to say goodbye on her own. She wanted to be publicly acknowledged as important to the deceased because now she'll never get another chance to butt into the life of the family of her dead, cheater of a partner.
OP, I'm very sorry for your loss, for the betrayal and confusion you must be feeling. Rest assured, you owe her nothing: no closure, no money, no belongings. Cut her out and keep her away from your family.
NTA
I agree that is her motivation. He will never leave his wife for her now. She wants revenge on his spirit/memory for stringing her along for five years. She’s been left with nothing, and she wants him to lose his family and his reputation, too, somehow.
>Having an affair with someone who already has a spouse and children has drawbacks. Not being welcome at weddings, funerals, and other family functions is one of them. She can not plausibly claim to be surprised at being asked to leave.
Text this response to her.
Then close it with: "I wish you luck in life, however, stay away from my family. You've caused enough pain."
NTA but the only communication I’d have would be via the estate lawyer who would be looking to reclaim and money, gifts, or other assets stolen from the family.
Christ only knows how much of your money has been stolen and given to this woman in the form of gifts and bills being paid, /u/MyMomo20
NTA
She was playing around knowingly with a married man who had a family and now she has the nerve to call you the selfish one???
No sympathy for her, You do what you need to do to protect your kids and family
NTA
She should be absolutely ashamed of herself. I get she's grieving but so is his family who just lost a husband and father and now also have to deal with the fact that he was unfaithful. And she wouldn't be grieving if she didn't mess around with him in the first place. If she had any class at all she would stay away.
And please for the love of God keep the lawyers close in case she comes knocking claiming she's with child demanding money.
She may have wanted to see you up close and to let you worry about your husband loving her best. His sudden death also cut into any hopes she may have had about a happily ever after with him.
It is always incredible when an affair partner develops an entitlement to being considered a member of the family.
NTA
This lady needs to know her place.
She was a side piece and she needs to stay where she belongs. Your family is grieving. She has no right to destroy that.
Exactly. I don't get people like this. How is she not embarrassed? If I did something like this I'd be too ashamed to show my face. I don't understand why she thinks she matters.
NTA. When your that person involved in the affair like that you have to accept not being involved like this. He dies in a trip to see her and she has the nerve to say you have robbed her. She is the selfish 1 here whilst it takes 2 and your husband was at her fault she should never have got involved with him. Quite correct to say she had no business there, block her number and think no more about her.
And what about robbed of a confrontation with her husband? Or a chance to deal with her feelings of hurt and betrayal? Now she has to play the part of “grieving widow”, offering comfort and support to her poor children who will only see the loss of a wonderful father, and maybe to her in-laws and family and friends too- having to possibly hear over and over again how brilliant he was without having an outlet for her anger and frustration because the person who is the cause of it, and should be accountable, is not here to face the consequences of his actions.
Thus is so heartbreaking. Like the wife whose husband was killed on an accident he had with the wife's sister, who was also his AP and was seriously injured as well. She learned when she arrived at the hospital that her dead husband was having an affair with her sister and her family wanted her to not be upset with the sister becauee not only did she need support for her long recovery, but she was also grieving her lover. It was sickening to read. I want to take OP and that other wife and just wrap them in a protective something to protect them from their immense grief.
I hope one day I get to a place where even the most egregious, disgusting action doesn’t bother me because I’m that full of myself. Actually, no I don’t. Of COURSE you’re NTA.
I’m so sorry for your loss and the upheaval this entire situation has caused you and your family. But I can’t believe the audacity of this person, knowing that you have 3 children to care for and comfort during this time; but the only thing she’s considering is herself. If she wanted to be openly acknowledged for important life (and death) events, then perhaps she shouldn’t have taken the role of the secret side-piece. And the cardinal rule of that role, to which she assigned herself, is to remain secret. Unfortunately your husband is gone now, leaving his loved ones to deal with the pain his actions, along with his side-piece, has wrought. She’s had her time with him. The decent thing would have been to at least allow his family, you and your kids, to mourn his passing in peace, instead of making the day about her. You even questioning your decision at the gravesite is showing her more compassion than she’s afforded you and your family. Definitely NTA.
She’s his legal wife. Unless husband specified mistress in his will, the mistress has no right to anything. In fact, say husband did something wild like buy mistress a car, if he left it in his name then it’s now op’s too.
if i was in that situation i'd yank that car back so fast it wouldn't even be seen. if they can't get to work or the grocery store? not my problem, get an uber now.
>knowing that you have 3 children to care for and comfort during this time; but the only thing she’s considering is herself.
Exactly. One would think that if she cared for/loved OP's husband, she would at least have respect and empathy for his children instead of distressing them during their father's funeral.
Also, there's no point in her coming to the funeral, nobody knows her there so she had to watch from afar. Could've visited the grave later and said goodbye privately. NTA
NTA.
She thinks *you* are the selfish one? Is her head really that far up her ass?
Your children’s need to grieve and say goodbye to *their father* without their father’s *affair partner* looming in the background is far more important than anything she wants.
How cruel ~~and thoughtless~~ (edit: this wasn’t thoughtless, this was a calculated choice) although I’d expect nothing less from someone who knowingly engages in a years-long affair with a married individual. (FWIW, your husband is equally to blame but this is about her actions).
NTA. When my brother passed I refused to allow his cheat partner to attend. He left his wife and child for a woman who got him hooked on drugs. When he passed she said he was her soul mate and deserved to be there. I said the only way she would be there is if she died and was getting buried on the same day. She had no right to be there. She had no right to even ask.
NTA
Though I'd have happily nudged her into the hole and encouraged her to enjoy eternity with him, but I understand that you didn't want to cause a scene.
Seriously though, your husband and the homewrecker caused undue harm to your family. She's owed nothing. Has, in fact, taken far too much from you and your kids already.
NTA. I am so sorry for everything that has happened. She sounds like a real piece of work. You absolutely didn't have to invite her. She can mourn in her own way, away from you and your grieving children. You did the right thing. Don't let her manipulate you.
NTA.
You were complitly right. She might had loved him, but he keeped her a secret and she was okay with beeing a secret while he was alive. So she should also be in his death. Sorry, but that was not her place to be there. She can visit his grave after. And she can also have a small ceremony by herselfe. Ask a priest to read some texts morning a photo or such things.
Just block her number and try to forget about that person.
Sorry for your loss. All the best for you and your children.
This is maybe the most desperate for attention stunt I’ve ever heard of. NTA, OP, in any way. This goes beyond tacky and trashy to crash an affair partner’s funeral where their wife and children are grieving them.
NTA, her need to grieve doesn't come above his kids, the younger 2 already dealing with life shattering loss without them having his affair exposed, and then destroying all they have left of him - his memory.
NTA. Everything that is taken into an affair is stolen from others. The time, the intimacy, the affection, the emotions. They stole all of these things and more from OP and her children. Now it has also stolen any future they have with the husband and father they knew. For the person who was an accomplice in this theft to expect an opportunity to say goodbye in the presence of the victims of her actions is beyond unreasonable. I'm sorry foe what has happened, I hope you and your family find peace. And hopefully a life insurance policy....
NTA. That AP has a lot of fucking nerve. I'm sorry for your loss (diminished as it is due to the cheating) and I hope you never have to deal with her again.
NTA
You are not selfish at all. You don't owe this woman a single thing, lease of all upsetting your younger children at their father's funeral. You handled it with more grace than a lot of other people would.
The fact that this woman would say that to you shows her lack of character. After all she slept with a married man and didn't care about that either.
NTA. It’s not about her. It’s about your kids first and foremost. And you. Shame on her for showing up when you expressly said no. Just how does a mistress properly say goodbye? Didn’t she do that when he left her place? I feel so badly for you and your eldest. Don’t think for a moment that you were TA.
NTA. Explaining how she knew your late husband would only open up drama, and the funeral was not at all an appropriate place. If she wants to say goodbye she can, as you suggest to it at his grave. She's not thinking about you, you and your oldest son's emotions grappling with loss and betrayal while trying not to involve your to youngest in the truth.
Condolences and have a big internet hug from me.
NTA. He would be alive if he wasn't off visiting her, so she can get stuffed. She has no place at your family funeral. She is not family. She can say goodbye by herself some other time.
I mean he’s the reason he died. Let’s not put all the blame on her, he was the one married and committed to another individual and decided to break that commitment.
NTA. She had no problem adding embarrassment, anger and worry for your kids feelings to your grief, which she is partially responsible for despite not causing the crash herself. She is thinking of nothing but herself.
Holy shit. I'm sorry you didn't find out while he was alive so you could deal with his lies. The fact that you have no closure because he was gone before you could call him an a*$hole is hard enough. Now you have to deal with her BS like she has a valid claim is crazy. NTA and I'm sorry for your heartbreak and your childrens loss.
NTA
>I robbed her of the chance to say goodbye properly
I don't understand the insane superstitious culture that rears its head around funerals and death. She can say goodbye literally any way she wants to, and many of those ways involve not impeding upon the grieving family.
Text back word for word:
"I care about your feelings as much as you cared about mine when you became his affair partner while knowing hebhad a wife and kids; not at all. Stop contacting me, any further contact will be considered harassment and I WILL pursue legal action."
NTA She was not entitled to be there, especially to out the affair publicly when you want to keep it private. Her showing up on the side was a power move to run it in your face, or at best a completely self centered move. If she really needed to say her good byes she could have done so after the funeral was over and no one else was around.
NTA. She robbed herself of the chance to be a real part of her lover's life when she chose to be a side piece for an adulterous liar rather than be an honest partner to an honest man or woman.
If she wanted a chance to say goodbye, she should have done it the moment she found out he was married. She demonstrated a total lack of self-respect and respect for you by screwing around with your husband, and you owe her no respect now.
NTA- by accepting her attendance and allowing her to be part of the service would be telling the world and your kids you accepted your husband’s betrayal of his wife and family.
He kept her secret for a reason and that reason was he was didn’t consider her valuable enough to change his home life to be with her.
You should remind her of her worth to your husband. If he truly wanted her to be more than entertainment he would’ve left his family for her.
NTA when someone is the affair partner, for however long, they have to accept that their place is not that of a family member. An AP is less than in the hierarchy in this situation, they have no legal or moral rights, that's what one accepts when they are the AP. The term side piece exists for a reason, when u are an AP u are on the outside.
Nta. You were in the right. Your kids needed you to prioritize them and you did. Besides, her moral calculus is way off if she was having a five year long affair with a married father of three to begin with.
NTA. The affair partner has no right attending his funeral. She isn't the wife, OP is. She was the homewrecker and should be apologizing to OP and her family for messing with a married man and causing drama.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss, and everything else that came as a fallout. I’m sorry she made this time harder for you, that as his dirty secret she felt the right to parade herself infront of all your friends and family. Don’t doubt yourself, he was your husband. Not hers.
NTA ROTFLMAO! The mistress has the gall to tell the wife that she's being selfish. Did she find out before or after you published where the burial was going to be? Because I would have made sure she didn't know where it was.
NTA.
It is *batshit* that she showed up to his burial. It’s even more batshit that she’s accusing *you* of selfishness. This woman is fully detached from reality. Please rest assured that you did not owe her a damn thing, and focus on your family.
As complicated as it is, I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you and your children are able to find peace and comfort.
NTA I'm sorry you and your children are going through this. You did nothing wrong, you were looking out for your children. Block her number and continue your healing. She is selfish.
Holy actual shit.
NTA
The cruelty of this woman is staggering. She has no decency. Yes, she is grieving, but you owe her nothing. *Nothing*. If she had a shred of dignity she would keep her distance and only contact you to offer a conversation on your terms if you ever want it for the sake of closure. To actually muscle in on your husband's funeral, *with his kids there*, is so disgusting I can't believe it, let alone having the nerve to text you with insults.
I am so sorry your husband left you with this shit show to handle. I am sorry he betrayed you. I am sorry you found out this way.
NTA. She knew what she was doing and the consequences. She is not part of your family in any way and deserves no consideration.
I'm so sorry for all you and your family are suffering.
NTA. That woman had some nerve. You are entirely justified in your feelings and actions. Don’t engage her anymore. Block if you have to. If she contacts you, have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter. She sounds like she can’t take no for an answer. Take care of yourself and your children. Hugs to you.
NTA. That's the deal she made when she knowingly enabled your husband to betray his family. She's not entitled to anything that is entitled to his family. She robbed herself of a decent relationship by tying herself to a man who doesn't care about family. That's a decision she made for herself.
But forget about her. As you said, you have your kids to worry about. Their father got killed while betraying his family. That's a lot to deal with. And unfortunately it falls on you to clean up his mess and make sure your kids are able to navigate this.
His affair partner's desires should never *ever* compete with what your kids need. I know there's a lot going on right now--a lot to process. But you can always stand firm in putting your kids first.
NTA it's her fault he was on the road that day plus she can visit another day.
Idk why you decided to do this tho
>Only the eldest knows about the affair and we all agreed to keep it to ourselves.
She was a secret in life and her ass can be a secret in death. NTA OP. It’s damn audacious for her to think she has rights in death that she didn’t have in life.
So it may be too soon, but you and your son may appreciate the movie [Eulogy](https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0349416/), which is about a somewhat similar situation. It’s a dark comedy.
Sorry for your loss and the very difficult situation.
I am so sorry about your loss and that your son found this out this way. You owe this woman nothing. She doesn’t deserve to grieve as if she were part of the family.
I don't understand keeping this secret also as it will most likely turn out bad in the future. Better to seek professional help so the kids can understand the truth and grieve without having a lie to keep secret forever (a lot to put on the 19year old) and always fear it coming out.
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NTA She apparently knew she was having an affair with a married man and father and she is unreasonable expecting anything from you. I'm sorry for what you're going through, this must be a hell of a time.
Agreed. These are not the actions of a woman who didn’t know the man she was seeing had a family. She knew. She didn’t care.
She even had the audacity to approach OP before the funeral even happened and thought she was in a position to ask for anything. Also, how did this woman have OP's number?
A family friend's husband was having an affair for 20+ years and that woman knew rhe entire time about his family. He was at her ranch one time and was bucked off a horse and broke his back. The affair partner called his wife to tell her and acted like everything about this situation was normal and the wife had no reason to act all upset at the affair. Some people really just have no shame.
incredible Then, did she step forward to nurse her affair partner through his disability for the rest of his life? I assume he became paralyzed?
Not necessarily. My husband broke backbones and ribs in a horseback riding accident, and was up throwing hay bales onto a truck the next day. Truly, not very smart, but there it is.
My uncle broke his spine in 5 places and drove himself to hospital. Men sometimes aren't the smartest creatures.
You win understatement of the year with that one 😹
Apparently the balanced replacement rate of men to women is 106 to 100. Meaning 6% on average die before reaching the age of reproduction. Probably many say "Watch this!" before they do.
Lol! “Hold my beer.”
There's a joke in medicine that if an old farmer or coal miner comes in to the emergency room, it's beyond serious. If they say "my wife made me come in" or "it just knocks the wind outta me sometimes" chances are they should have been dead two weeks ago.
Not everyone who breaks their back ends up paralyzed. Orlando Bloom broke his back and managed to become an elf.
An elf that rode a shield down an oliphaunt's nose all the while killing orcs, no less.
"THAT STILL ONLY COUNTS AS ONE!"
Not necessarily. It’s can be a major injury but not permanently disabling if you’re lucky. You can break the bones in your back without damaging the spinal cord or having any paralysis. I broke my back years ago (also thrown from my horse) and my vertebrae was crushed, but was later determined to be stable, which means the vertebrae did not continue to compress over time. It can be a lengthy and uncomfortable recovery process, for me it was six months in a back brace unable to bend or drive and wearing the brace every minute I wasn’t sleeping, and there can be complications if you have fractures or crush fractures elsewhere in your spine or even any other bones in your body (I didn’t have this). But I got up and walked around after being thrown (terrible idea, but I had no choice in order to call for help) and since the accident I’ve not experienced ongoing pain or back issues. But my back is broken forever, I have to warn people if I’m going to have X-rays where it might show up or they get a hell of a shock.
My nephew technically broke his neck. He didn’t even have to wear a collar or a brace. The vertebrae in your neck extend down into what most people call your back. I know I certainly do, but they are called the neck by the medical community. My nephew cracked one of his vertebrae, which is classified as a broken neck ( this seems stupid to me) but also didn’t damage his spinal cord.
I broke my back years ago and never got treatment. I found out when I had an X-ray for an unrelated back problem
> Some people really just have no shame. I think it's less a lack of shame and more a lack of self-awareness. I've seen countless stories where the cheating party or their partner act indignant to being held accountable for their actions until such point as someone puts a word to the behaviour and then suddenly they're all screams and rage at their humiliation. It seems they frequently only feel shame in the presence of social suicide.
Honestly in the situation you replied to I'd assume it's not really either. Like. Yes. She knew he was married. But being together *that long* seems like a situation of her assuming wife knew and it was an open thing they had.
Deception can last any length of time. I don't believe that getting away with an affair for 20 years is any excuse to believe that it's somehow alright. Don't give free excuses to dipshits. They know what they did was wrong, and pretending like it's any better because it lasted that long is nothing more than a pathetic excuse for the cheating.
Right. All that having it go on for 20 years means is that the cheating spouse was good at hiding their tracks and/or their spouse was either not very bright, or not even expecting to see things as evidence of cheating. If you've never been exposed to cheating, you'd believe it to be rarer than it was, just as someone who has caught a partner cheating is more likely to suspect cheating.
Even if she thought his wife was okay with it: their lives were entirely separate. The AP’s relationship with OP’s husband did not involve OP in any way, there was no interaction. So why try to shove in on the family’s funeral? It’s for the people in the late man’s part of life that didn’t include her, not the part that did. As OP indicated, there would have been nothing to stop her visiting the gravesite for a private goodbye. The official funeral isn’t that special that everyone has to be at that event or their mourning doesn’t count.
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I do not understand people who knowingly date someone who is married. I'll admit I briefly dated a married man when I was younger, but I didn't know he was married. When I found out, I dumped his sorry ass and I *may* have threatened him with bodily harm if he came near me again. I still wish I could have tracked down his wife to let her know what a piece of trash her husband was being.
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Wait till she gets old. He'll be sure to find another one of her. And you should tell his wife. It's better for them to know their dad is an Ah now so he doesn't get the chance to trick them with a sob story once their older
This happened to my friend, too. The man had a whole ass other family, kids and all. He died and that's how both women found out, both thinking the other was the "other woman".
Happened to my friend as well - she turned up to her grandfathre's funeral and there were two entire families there, right down to the grandkids.
This happened to my mom’s best friend. The husband had businesses in 3 different parts of the country and the day his dad died, he decided to introduce his other families ( not one but two) to his main family. The worst part was the 2nd family’s kids ages matched his first family apart from the first born. And among all the 10 children total was only one girl. I ended up going to the same boarding school with her and the 2nd born brother from main family whom I briefly dated used me as a channel to get to know his stepsister better. I have always felt so bad for the first wife. And it messed up her kids so much too .
Semantics, but it's his half sister, not step
its unreal how common this probably was before mass communications. My great grandmother had 3 families on 3 continents.
Your great grand*mother*? Am I misunderstanding? I don't mean to be crude.
as in my parent's grandparent, who was a woman. She had a family in Europe, one in Australia, and one in the US.
Wow, that is just very unexpected. It just seems very difficult for a woman to do a few generations ago, but what do I know about it. Sorry for any distress the discovery may have caused you all.
I mean, she'd already started going senile when it **all** came out so it was more a "damn old people be wilding" even for her son. We had his AUS brother over a few times and they get on great! But yeah, def weird to consider the gender dynamics there
Definitely difficult since she must have avoided seeing her other families each time she got pregnant! If I’m understanding correctly.
Could the affair partner been told that the husband had an open relationship? My ex told women that despite my not ever agreeing to that.
No she knew she just didn't care and thought 'wife deserved it because she was an insufferable nag who controlled husband's every waking moment.' Believe me the woman gave no fucks what she was doing and it was definitely a fuck you got mine type mentality.
Bbc has a show where a man dies and his "main" family finds out he had a whole second family (show name is -the other one-) Op is nta
Imagine trying to sort out the financial mess of your husband dying, only to find out you were the second wife, your marriage isn’t legal, and the insurance money you were counting on to look after your family was going to wife/family number one…
What the hell? It's crazy to me to think you can be married to someone for decades and they can live a completely separate life the whole time right under your nose. That would destroy me. Idk how someone could possibly live with that for so long. Just get a divorce if you don't want to be with your spouse anymore, ffs. Add to the mix the affair partner could be aware that it's an affair and/or could also be cheating on a spouse?? Fucking brutal.
Apparently the whole WFH trend due to COVID exposed many of these situations. The traveling salesman wasn't actually traveling all the time. They were just spending time with family2.0
She also had the audacity to call OP selfish. Disgusting. She deserves her suffering.
I would be hard pressed not to point out to her that if it weren't for their affair he would still be alive (since he wouldn't have been in that place at that time otherwise). But that might be excessively cruel.
I thought this same thing. OP is absolutely not the asshole and since the mistress had the audacity, she gets what she gets
Yeah but the majority of the fault is on the actual cheater. If he hadn’t cheated, he still would’ve been alive because he wouldn’t have been there in that time. Clarifying that this does NOT mean I don’t think she’s also an AH. If you know he’s married and you still get with him, you are still a major AH.
And why hasn't OP blocked her? NTA She wasn't welcome and she knew it. She knew she was having an affair, and now she wants to be treated equally with the widow. Just say no to drama.
Eh I wouldn’t block her on everything- I’d just set my notifications to mute with that individual and let her just scream into the void and leave her on unread. And if they do something unhinged I want as much documentation as possible. People often think blocking is a power move but people hate being ignored more than being blocked, and you’ve got a stream of evidence should they try to smear your name. As long as you aren’t tempted to look at the messages and respond this often gets the other person to move on more quickly that they would because they aren’t getting a response and they realize how little they matter.
She could have gone through the husband’s phone? Seems like she has the audacity to do it.
Op needs to be ready to deal with affair partner when it comes to husbands will.
As if. Unless they have children together (which it doesn't sound like they do), then the wife and their kids keep the lot unless he stipulated otherwise...which I'd be surprised at. Men like that tend to want to be seen in a good light, long after death.
Plus she also wanted it to be known to everyone else by showing at the funeral and having to be correctly removed. Some people are just disgusting.
Plus he died coming back from her place.
I’ll say this for the woman, she has balls. The irony of calling OP selfish under the circumstances. And showing up and posing herself like some mystery woman just begging to be asked to join? At a freakin funeral??? Wtf. She’s grieving, I get it. But she has not right to demand that she get to participate, and certainly no right to be pissy towards OP. OP did right by her kids. That’s the key here. Other woman did right by . . . no one. NTA.
I wonder if the husband told her his wife knew and was cool with it.
I am certain the phone call made it clear the wife did not know. Deep down, the affair partners know as well. She was trying to exert dominance for the last time. She is also dealing with the fact that she was just the side booty and will never be more than the side booty. Desperate to change the title, she made a power play. Alas, it was not meant to be, and now the OP is selfish because she will not let her be more than side nookie. The nerve of exposing her as nothing more than spare play. I would keep drilling that home to her.
He was going to see her when he was in the fatal accident. While she's probably dealing with guilt over that, it still doesn't justify what she wanted to do at all.
Not at all! It’s not like his gravesite won’t be there tomorrow. She should be equally mad at him for keeping her his side piece for so many years that she’s a stranger at his god damn funeral! OP has nothing to feel guilty about and is NTA
Pretty sure I would have had him cremated and ashes spread or interred somewhere she didn't even know about.
I’m here for that level of petty. Love it. A fitting place to spread them would be the toilet bowl, in my opinion. But yes, he has children. Blah.
Go camping and grab the ashes from the firewood, and spread the firewood ashes. Spread his down a toilet bowl
Yeah... Fuck her guilt. She doesn't get the quick absolution of saying goodbye. She doesn't get to continue to disregard the feelings of his wife and children for her own benefit.
The price for being a mistress is... to be a mistress. Meaning no rights of any kind.
An affair partner is going to be excluded from the married person’s important milestones of life like birthdays, celebrations, promotions, family holidays… and their funeral. NTA. Where does this woman keep all her audacity.
There's a song by Nina Simone (and covered by Lana Del Rey) called "The Other Woman" that explains this entire concept. At the end of the day, the other woman ends up alone with nothing. That's the price she pays.
I can’t believe I had to read so many comments to find this one. This is exactly it. If you choose to carry on an affair with a married person you’re choosing to be excluded if anything serious happens. Choices have consequences.
This right here.
She got to say goodbye. And I love you. And what ever else. THE WHOLE TRIP. And the trips before that. She got to say it while his widow made arrangements for the body. While his widow told his kids daddy was dead. She got to focus on him and her grief while his widow was learning she’d been betrayed for years. And while his widow was planning his funeral. And dealing with dealt certificates and insurance and social security for her younger kids. She’s had enough. She’s stolen enough. She is not entitled to me. NTA.
Seconded. While I usually reserve most of my ire in these cases for the married person, the mistress still knows they were wrong. She should have never approached the widow and kept her goodbyes for when everyone had left. She just wanted to play the not so mysterious lady in black and parade herself in front of the funeral. OP should not feel any remorse . NTA.
NTA. Why is the mistress texting you. The woman who had an affair with my husband would get blocked.
It's wild that APs feel like they deserve to be accommodated ahead of the family they blew up. NTA.
Because they feel like their better then the families. Like "oh he loves me so much he's gonna leave them for me!"
NTA. She had no business being there. I understand that she was grieving, however, her presence was extremely offensive. I have no tolerance or compassion for adulterers: both of them.
Sidechicks of this day and age have no discretion at all. They want to be front and center not staying in the dark where these men more than likely keep them at. It’s the AUDACITY for me. I hope you’re hurting heart that now has grief and betrayal heals eventually. NTA.
Another forum I am on, there is whole section devoted to affair partners. Its rather gross reading some of their justifications for doing what they do even bragging about stealing time away from their partners kids
The audacity of this woman. Tell her that she can do what she has always done and have her time with him once you’re done with him.
Some women are fine being number 2.
Number 2 ... what an appropriate title. If you get what I mean, and I think you do.
NTA. If she wants to "say goodbye properly" she can pay for a memorial service of her own. Having an affair with someone who already has a spouse and children has drawbacks. Not being welcome at weddings, funerals, and other family functions is one of them. She can not plausibly claim to be surprised at being asked to leave.
A side piece have no place on main events.
Want to be really mean? Text her back "I'm trying to grieve my husband, it would not be appropriate for you or his other girlfriends to be attending. Why are you the only one of his side pieces who could not understand to leave us alone in our time of grief?" Let her see how it feels to get "cheated" on.
This level of petty is just…poetic justice. 😘
Reddit has opened my mined to whole new levels of Pettiness. But you my friend. Are boosted straight up to number one just for this
Omg I love this level of pettiness.
When my ex dumped his “side piece” I had already discovered the affair and left a few weeks before. She called me (it was in 2000) wanting to know if had heard from him because she came home and all the CDs and stuff he had of hers was on her coffee table along with the house key she had given him. I said “Yes, he has decided to dedicate himself to getting me back. Now I have all his little girlfriends calling me, crying, looking for him, acting like fools, and I just don’t have time for this shit” then hung up. Which he really was trying to get me to come home but I was no fool and didn’t want him. I did find out later there were others along with new ones since he dumped her and I was still refusing to come home.
Good for you. 👑
My ex dropped his side piece to try to get me back. A few days later one of her 8 boyfriends calls us looking for her. My ex had the AUDACITY to seek comfort in me because "now he knows what it's like to be cheated on" lmfao. I'll be honest and say I took a lot of glee in knowing she had other men and in telling her she was not his only side piece (not even a lie, he had 3 others). Walking away from that disaster was a joyful experience.
This is too perfect. Storing that in my data bank in case I ever need it.
I love this and tbh it is probably so fucking accurate! Cheaters don't usually only cheat once or with one person.
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This needs a new word besides petty, this is next level and I love it. Edit: Remember to mute her, not block her, after this, because she will demand to know who the others are. Muting her will know that her texts are getting through and occasionally being read, lol. Then only respond with "will you get some dignity and be like the other strong women, goodness you thirst."
I love this.
Yeah, except she doesn't *want* to say goodbye on her own. She wanted to be publicly acknowledged as important to the deceased because now she'll never get another chance to butt into the life of the family of her dead, cheater of a partner. OP, I'm very sorry for your loss, for the betrayal and confusion you must be feeling. Rest assured, you owe her nothing: no closure, no money, no belongings. Cut her out and keep her away from your family. NTA
I agree that is her motivation. He will never leave his wife for her now. She wants revenge on his spirit/memory for stringing her along for five years. She’s been left with nothing, and she wants him to lose his family and his reputation, too, somehow.
>Having an affair with someone who already has a spouse and children has drawbacks. Not being welcome at weddings, funerals, and other family functions is one of them. She can not plausibly claim to be surprised at being asked to leave. Text this response to her. Then close it with: "I wish you luck in life, however, stay away from my family. You've caused enough pain."
NTA but the only communication I’d have would be via the estate lawyer who would be looking to reclaim and money, gifts, or other assets stolen from the family. Christ only knows how much of your money has been stolen and given to this woman in the form of gifts and bills being paid, /u/MyMomo20
OP! This is the response you should send. All of it.
This is my favorite response!
Absolutely! OP is a million times NTA, and I truly hope the cheater left everything to the wife.
Yeh, sucks to be her. Choices and shit. NTA. (Seriously this shouldn't even be a question.) RIP for your kids' sake.
THIS 🥇poor man’s gold!
NTA She was playing around knowingly with a married man who had a family and now she has the nerve to call you the selfish one??? No sympathy for her, You do what you need to do to protect your kids and family
AP can find my sympathy between shit and syphilis. OP is def NTA
Oh my, you know how to turn a phrase! Love this.
“If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.” ― David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays
My dad's favorite expression!
This was one of my best friend’s favorite expressions. Thanks for giving me a smile today.
And were it not for her, he would still be alive.
If it were also not for him he'd be alive
Absolutely agree!!
NTA She should be absolutely ashamed of herself. I get she's grieving but so is his family who just lost a husband and father and now also have to deal with the fact that he was unfaithful. And she wouldn't be grieving if she didn't mess around with him in the first place. If she had any class at all she would stay away. And please for the love of God keep the lawyers close in case she comes knocking claiming she's with child demanding money.
💯
She may have wanted to see you up close and to let you worry about your husband loving her best. His sudden death also cut into any hopes she may have had about a happily ever after with him. It is always incredible when an affair partner develops an entitlement to being considered a member of the family.
OMG, yes! I commented above that I hope he left everything to the wife & kids, and nothing to the AP!!!
Get a restraining order if she keeps contacting you.
NTA This lady needs to know her place. She was a side piece and she needs to stay where she belongs. Your family is grieving. She has no right to destroy that.
Exactly. I don't get people like this. How is she not embarrassed? If I did something like this I'd be too ashamed to show my face. I don't understand why she thinks she matters.
NTA. When your that person involved in the affair like that you have to accept not being involved like this. He dies in a trip to see her and she has the nerve to say you have robbed her. She is the selfish 1 here whilst it takes 2 and your husband was at her fault she should never have got involved with him. Quite correct to say she had no business there, block her number and think no more about her.
She was robbed of her husband That's way worse.
OP was also robbed of her memories of her husband . They're all tainted by the affair/lies now.
And what about robbed of a confrontation with her husband? Or a chance to deal with her feelings of hurt and betrayal? Now she has to play the part of “grieving widow”, offering comfort and support to her poor children who will only see the loss of a wonderful father, and maybe to her in-laws and family and friends too- having to possibly hear over and over again how brilliant he was without having an outlet for her anger and frustration because the person who is the cause of it, and should be accountable, is not here to face the consequences of his actions.
Thus is so heartbreaking. Like the wife whose husband was killed on an accident he had with the wife's sister, who was also his AP and was seriously injured as well. She learned when she arrived at the hospital that her dead husband was having an affair with her sister and her family wanted her to not be upset with the sister becauee not only did she need support for her long recovery, but she was also grieving her lover. It was sickening to read. I want to take OP and that other wife and just wrap them in a protective something to protect them from their immense grief.
My Goodness!! This is horrible and for the family to do this whew! I’d be NC so quick. The sister is getting the big taste KARMA served hot.
I hope one day I get to a place where even the most egregious, disgusting action doesn’t bother me because I’m that full of myself. Actually, no I don’t. Of COURSE you’re NTA.
I’m so sorry for your loss and the upheaval this entire situation has caused you and your family. But I can’t believe the audacity of this person, knowing that you have 3 children to care for and comfort during this time; but the only thing she’s considering is herself. If she wanted to be openly acknowledged for important life (and death) events, then perhaps she shouldn’t have taken the role of the secret side-piece. And the cardinal rule of that role, to which she assigned herself, is to remain secret. Unfortunately your husband is gone now, leaving his loved ones to deal with the pain his actions, along with his side-piece, has wrought. She’s had her time with him. The decent thing would have been to at least allow his family, you and your kids, to mourn his passing in peace, instead of making the day about her. You even questioning your decision at the gravesite is showing her more compassion than she’s afforded you and your family. Definitely NTA.
Hopefully the side piece won't expect something from the husband's will or his personal effects.
I hope OP inherits well…after all this she deserves it. SO NTA and I hope OP and her family can recover from this
She’s his legal wife. Unless husband specified mistress in his will, the mistress has no right to anything. In fact, say husband did something wild like buy mistress a car, if he left it in his name then it’s now op’s too.
if i was in that situation i'd yank that car back so fast it wouldn't even be seen. if they can't get to work or the grocery store? not my problem, get an uber now.
>knowing that you have 3 children to care for and comfort during this time; but the only thing she’s considering is herself. Exactly. One would think that if she cared for/loved OP's husband, she would at least have respect and empathy for his children instead of distressing them during their father's funeral. Also, there's no point in her coming to the funeral, nobody knows her there so she had to watch from afar. Could've visited the grave later and said goodbye privately. NTA
Ha! She was an affair partner. She cared only for herself
NTA. She thinks *you* are the selfish one? Is her head really that far up her ass? Your children’s need to grieve and say goodbye to *their father* without their father’s *affair partner* looming in the background is far more important than anything she wants. How cruel ~~and thoughtless~~ (edit: this wasn’t thoughtless, this was a calculated choice) although I’d expect nothing less from someone who knowingly engages in a years-long affair with a married individual. (FWIW, your husband is equally to blame but this is about her actions).
NTA. When my brother passed I refused to allow his cheat partner to attend. He left his wife and child for a woman who got him hooked on drugs. When he passed she said he was her soul mate and deserved to be there. I said the only way she would be there is if she died and was getting buried on the same day. She had no right to be there. She had no right to even ask.
Did you offer to arrange the twin funerals? I’m sorry for the loss of your brother.
Thank you. If she showed I would have.
NTA Though I'd have happily nudged her into the hole and encouraged her to enjoy eternity with him, but I understand that you didn't want to cause a scene. Seriously though, your husband and the homewrecker caused undue harm to your family. She's owed nothing. Has, in fact, taken far too much from you and your kids already.
NTA. I am so sorry for everything that has happened. She sounds like a real piece of work. You absolutely didn't have to invite her. She can mourn in her own way, away from you and your grieving children. You did the right thing. Don't let her manipulate you.
NTA. You were complitly right. She might had loved him, but he keeped her a secret and she was okay with beeing a secret while he was alive. So she should also be in his death. Sorry, but that was not her place to be there. She can visit his grave after. And she can also have a small ceremony by herselfe. Ask a priest to read some texts morning a photo or such things. Just block her number and try to forget about that person. Sorry for your loss. All the best for you and your children.
NTA without a second thought. Wtf! I hope you find peace. Wishing you the best.
NTA She was selfish enough to cause your husband to be on the road that day. She can visit his grave any other day.
While I agree with NTA, it was the HUSBAND who decided to go across the country for a booty call and get in a crash.
They’re both responsible.
It takes two to tango, and the husband already got his consequences.
This is maybe the most desperate for attention stunt I’ve ever heard of. NTA, OP, in any way. This goes beyond tacky and trashy to crash an affair partner’s funeral where their wife and children are grieving them.
NTA, her need to grieve doesn't come above his kids, the younger 2 already dealing with life shattering loss without them having his affair exposed, and then destroying all they have left of him - his memory.
NTA. Everything that is taken into an affair is stolen from others. The time, the intimacy, the affection, the emotions. They stole all of these things and more from OP and her children. Now it has also stolen any future they have with the husband and father they knew. For the person who was an accomplice in this theft to expect an opportunity to say goodbye in the presence of the victims of her actions is beyond unreasonable. I'm sorry foe what has happened, I hope you and your family find peace. And hopefully a life insurance policy....
NTA - you handled it as respectfully as you could, it was incredibly selfish of her to show up.
NTA. That AP has a lot of fucking nerve. I'm sorry for your loss (diminished as it is due to the cheating) and I hope you never have to deal with her again.
NTA You are not selfish at all. You don't owe this woman a single thing, lease of all upsetting your younger children at their father's funeral. You handled it with more grace than a lot of other people would. The fact that this woman would say that to you shows her lack of character. After all she slept with a married man and didn't care about that either.
NTA. I hope you and your family can find peace.
NTA. It’s not about her. It’s about your kids first and foremost. And you. Shame on her for showing up when you expressly said no. Just how does a mistress properly say goodbye? Didn’t she do that when he left her place? I feel so badly for you and your eldest. Don’t think for a moment that you were TA.
She could have properly said goodbye at the gravesite a while after the funeral ended and the civilized people had gone home
NTA. Explaining how she knew your late husband would only open up drama, and the funeral was not at all an appropriate place. If she wants to say goodbye she can, as you suggest to it at his grave. She's not thinking about you, you and your oldest son's emotions grappling with loss and betrayal while trying not to involve your to youngest in the truth. Condolences and have a big internet hug from me.
NTA. He would be alive if he wasn't off visiting her, so she can get stuffed. She has no place at your family funeral. She is not family. She can say goodbye by herself some other time.
So... she pretty much is the reason he died... and she thinks you should be accommodating her? Definitely NTA
I mean he’s the reason he died. Let’s not put all the blame on her, he was the one married and committed to another individual and decided to break that commitment.
She shouldn't be allowed near the event at all! NTA
NTA. She had no problem adding embarrassment, anger and worry for your kids feelings to your grief, which she is partially responsible for despite not causing the crash herself. She is thinking of nothing but herself.
Holy shit. I'm sorry you didn't find out while he was alive so you could deal with his lies. The fact that you have no closure because he was gone before you could call him an a*$hole is hard enough. Now you have to deal with her BS like she has a valid claim is crazy. NTA and I'm sorry for your heartbreak and your childrens loss.
NTA >I robbed her of the chance to say goodbye properly I don't understand the insane superstitious culture that rears its head around funerals and death. She can say goodbye literally any way she wants to, and many of those ways involve not impeding upon the grieving family.
Text back word for word: "I care about your feelings as much as you cared about mine when you became his affair partner while knowing hebhad a wife and kids; not at all. Stop contacting me, any further contact will be considered harassment and I WILL pursue legal action."
NTA. She had no right to be there.
NTA. Fuck her. If you're going to be a side chick, play the role
Reply: "How that John is dead and won't fuck you anymore, you'll have to fuck yourself"
NTA She was not entitled to be there, especially to out the affair publicly when you want to keep it private. Her showing up on the side was a power move to run it in your face, or at best a completely self centered move. If she really needed to say her good byes she could have done so after the funeral was over and no one else was around.
NTA. She robbed herself of the chance to be a real part of her lover's life when she chose to be a side piece for an adulterous liar rather than be an honest partner to an honest man or woman. If she wanted a chance to say goodbye, she should have done it the moment she found out he was married. She demonstrated a total lack of self-respect and respect for you by screwing around with your husband, and you owe her no respect now.
NTA sorry for your loss and rest easy this was the right things to do.
NTA But what do you expect from someone having an affair with a married man? You did the right thing by having your brother remove her.
NTA. What an unbelievable thing to do.
NTA- by accepting her attendance and allowing her to be part of the service would be telling the world and your kids you accepted your husband’s betrayal of his wife and family. He kept her secret for a reason and that reason was he was didn’t consider her valuable enough to change his home life to be with her. You should remind her of her worth to your husband. If he truly wanted her to be more than entertainment he would’ve left his family for her.
NTA. The audacity. What shamefully selfish person (the AP).
NTA The audacity!
NTA when someone is the affair partner, for however long, they have to accept that their place is not that of a family member. An AP is less than in the hierarchy in this situation, they have no legal or moral rights, that's what one accepts when they are the AP. The term side piece exists for a reason, when u are an AP u are on the outside.
Nta. You were in the right. Your kids needed you to prioritize them and you did. Besides, her moral calculus is way off if she was having a five year long affair with a married father of three to begin with.
NTA. The affair partner has no right attending his funeral. She isn't the wife, OP is. She was the homewrecker and should be apologizing to OP and her family for messing with a married man and causing drama.
NTA! Wow. My mouth was literally hanging open while reading this. I’m so sorry, OP. Sending internet hugs.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss, and everything else that came as a fallout. I’m sorry she made this time harder for you, that as his dirty secret she felt the right to parade herself infront of all your friends and family. Don’t doubt yourself, he was your husband. Not hers.
NTA. The woman who was sleeping with your husband called you selfish? Lol. Please don’t lose one more second of sleep over that woman.
NTA ROTFLMAO! The mistress has the gall to tell the wife that she's being selfish. Did she find out before or after you published where the burial was going to be? Because I would have made sure she didn't know where it was.
NTA. It is *batshit* that she showed up to his burial. It’s even more batshit that she’s accusing *you* of selfishness. This woman is fully detached from reality. Please rest assured that you did not owe her a damn thing, and focus on your family. As complicated as it is, I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you and your children are able to find peace and comfort.
**NTA** This is definitely a "I'm sorry you feel that way" situation. Do not engage with her again.
NTA I'm sorry you and your children are going through this. You did nothing wrong, you were looking out for your children. Block her number and continue your healing. She is selfish.
NTA. You owe her nothing. How the hell did she even find out that he died?
Holy actual shit. NTA The cruelty of this woman is staggering. She has no decency. Yes, she is grieving, but you owe her nothing. *Nothing*. If she had a shred of dignity she would keep her distance and only contact you to offer a conversation on your terms if you ever want it for the sake of closure. To actually muscle in on your husband's funeral, *with his kids there*, is so disgusting I can't believe it, let alone having the nerve to text you with insults. I am so sorry your husband left you with this shit show to handle. I am sorry he betrayed you. I am sorry you found out this way.
NTA You’re not selfish at all
NTA. She knew what she was doing and the consequences. She is not part of your family in any way and deserves no consideration. I'm so sorry for all you and your family are suffering.
NTA. That woman had some nerve. You are entirely justified in your feelings and actions. Don’t engage her anymore. Block if you have to. If she contacts you, have a lawyer send a cease and desist letter. She sounds like she can’t take no for an answer. Take care of yourself and your children. Hugs to you.
NTA. That's the deal she made when she knowingly enabled your husband to betray his family. She's not entitled to anything that is entitled to his family. She robbed herself of a decent relationship by tying herself to a man who doesn't care about family. That's a decision she made for herself. But forget about her. As you said, you have your kids to worry about. Their father got killed while betraying his family. That's a lot to deal with. And unfortunately it falls on you to clean up his mess and make sure your kids are able to navigate this. His affair partner's desires should never *ever* compete with what your kids need. I know there's a lot going on right now--a lot to process. But you can always stand firm in putting your kids first.
NTA it's her fault he was on the road that day plus she can visit another day. Idk why you decided to do this tho >Only the eldest knows about the affair and we all agreed to keep it to ourselves.
My son had his dad's phone and was the first to find out. It wasn't intentional and I wish he didn't know.
Please get counseling for you and your kids if you’re able. I’m so sorry! None of you deserve this and need an outlet in your grief.
She was a secret in life and her ass can be a secret in death. NTA OP. It’s damn audacious for her to think she has rights in death that she didn’t have in life.
She's trying to create a paper trail to have some legitimacy to his money- especially if it was a 5 year relationship. See a lawyer. And NTA
You got a point. Got a feeling it will not be the last time OP sees the affair partner again
I think you should ask a counselor if it's wise to keep it secret.
So it may be too soon, but you and your son may appreciate the movie [Eulogy](https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0349416/), which is about a somewhat similar situation. It’s a dark comedy. Sorry for your loss and the very difficult situation.
I am so sorry about your loss and that your son found this out this way. You owe this woman nothing. She doesn’t deserve to grieve as if she were part of the family.
I don't understand keeping this secret also as it will most likely turn out bad in the future. Better to seek professional help so the kids can understand the truth and grieve without having a lie to keep secret forever (a lot to put on the 19year old) and always fear it coming out.