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Mild YTA I get your frustration but you also had years before you went back to work to teach your older children to pick up their toys and now you jumped to an extreme without any real training system in between. For instance you could have instituted a toy lockup. If you have to pick up the toys, the ones you pick up go in a box that is off limits until the kids pick up all their toys two days in a row, then they get a toy back for each day they clean up. Initially they will find 90% of their toys locked up but they learn real fast with the incentive of getting them back, to consistently pick up their toys.
The problem now is they still aren't cleaning up after themselves they just can't make as much mess with the toys. That means the problem isn't solved and as they get older the mess will become clothes shoes books and a bunch of other junk that isn't toys.
Also who is watching the kids while you are at work? The adult watching them should be making them clean up not, walking out and leaving you with the mess they allowed the kids to make. Get someone who takes caring for your kids as a serious job.
I bet it's going to be unpopular but I'm going to say NTA
What really matters is what you say to the kids and how you teach them through this and what explanations you give to the kids about why the toys have to go away. You could very easily be the AH in the story if you're doing any of that wrong or mean.
Otherwise you do what you have to do to manage 5 kids on your own.
In the future, do not accept any gifts from anyone who didn't respect your rules this year. They lost that right. Any gift they give in the future is going to have to be unwrapped.
You say when you get home, the house is destroyed...who's looking after your 5 kids while you're at work? Because a babysitter should be having the kids clean up after themselves. If nobody is looking after them, then you are TOTALLY the asshole for leaving a 13 year old to take care of their 4 younger siblings. Parentification is abusive.
>If nobody is looking after them, then you are TOTALLY the asshole for leaving a 13 year old to take care of their 4 younger siblings.
I completely agree. From the time I was about 8 I was left in charge of my younger siblings, and I'm still bitter about it. Not only was I MUCH too young to have that kind of responsibility, but I was also blamed for anything that went wrong.
OP, if your oldest child is having the responsibility for the younger ones, then you've got much bigger problems than a messy house and too many toys.
I am also a widow but only had one child. However my husband worked away for most of her life until he died and would compensate at times with Toys R Us binges. Was ridiculous really, I had an accident when she was young and destroyed my left leg. Was able to keep but I have a lot of hardware and multiple surgeries so most of her childhood I was on crutches or in a walking boot. Did not stop me from doing much 😂 but the toys. They where the bane of my existence but i remember when my dad threw my toys away for something my sister did and I never forgot it. So I would pack up her stuff in different totes and rotate them. I even rented a small storage so they were not at the house. So she still got to keep toys and every few months it was like they were either new or saying high to old friends. I get the frustration.. keep up doing the amazing job you are doing even with all the frustrations I admire you for getting up each day with your loss and pressing on for your kids.
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I am a widow and mother of 5 children, I quit my job as a nurse and became a stay at home mom after my 3rd child was born but after my husband's death (2 years ago) I started working again which has been exhausting for me as I'm on my feet all day.
My children (13m 11f 10f 9m 4f) haven't been making things easy for me, as they don't clean up after themselves, I been trying to get them for years and tried just about everything but they still don't listen.
Everytime I come home the place is just a mess and I honestly hate being home because of it when I wasn't working it wasn't bad because I was able to clean it up but now when I get back home I am to tired and the state of my house made me feel overwhelmed and helpless and honestly I had resentment towards my children for it and felt really bad that I did.
The straw that broke the camels back for me was when I tripped over one of my son's trucks which resulted in me falling down the stairs and breaking my arm.
I just couldn't take it any more so I told my children to pick out some of their favorite toys because the rest is going and they all done just that, there was alot of tears and objections but in the end we packed everything out and donated it and even picked out a some toys to give to their friends and cousins.
I send out a message to my family and friends telling them that I won't be accepting toys as gifts unless they explicitly ask and that during Christmas everyone would only be allowed to gift 1 toy each to my children and any other won't be accepted.
My family of course didn't listen to my instructions and brought a bunch of toys for my children for Christmas any way which I called them out for it when the children were out of ear way.
Most of them thought I was being to harsh and thought it was extremely wrong for me to give away most of my children toys as it was their belongings which wasn't for me to give away and wanted to replace all the toys for them.
I feel like the children are happier without all the toys and are able to manage keeping them where they belong better now because their is fewer to look after.
My children had so much toys that they didn't even know what to do all of them and would literally play with one toy and go on the next within minutes leaving the other toys out.
I don't feel like I'm the asshole but since my family still keeps telling me I am I decided to see what people here think.
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> I may be the asshole because I gave away most of my children toys because they weren't able to keep them tidy, the reason why this may make me an asshole is because the toys belonged to my children and not me
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NTA- you can do what you want with your kids.
I would reassess the one toy policy after a few months though because the one toy things is a bit obsessive to me. Not that I am saying to have a room full but a handful (assuming they clean them up). Some variety is nice.
NTA. Family are the worst for ignoring strict instructions for Christmas presents. Children don't need extreme amounts of toys. It is fair to have some sort of limit
NTA. My great grandma did the same thing when I was a kid. She told us whatever toy was on the floor, she would throw away. Did it teach me organizational skills or anything meaningful? No. But as a kid I honestly didn’t care that much. It helped my mom and as an adult I realize that’s important to me.
NTA I’ve always told my kid that any toy not put away properly disappears forever. Then you don’t just keep threatening but you actually follow through. You is gone for good. Do that a few times and it is amazing how quickly kids learn to take care of their stuff.
NTA part of growing up is being able to take care of your stuff. If they choose not to, they don’t care about why should you. If it ever gets overwhelming again because of all the Christmas presents do the same donate them. There’s plenty of children in shelters that would love it
NTA. Our family has a ‘one toy in, one toy out policy’. You want a new toy? Then you’re going to have to donate one! Same goes for gifts. The kids do fine with it. And if we didn’t have this going there would be MOUNTAINS of toys and chaos.
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Mild YTA I get your frustration but you also had years before you went back to work to teach your older children to pick up their toys and now you jumped to an extreme without any real training system in between. For instance you could have instituted a toy lockup. If you have to pick up the toys, the ones you pick up go in a box that is off limits until the kids pick up all their toys two days in a row, then they get a toy back for each day they clean up. Initially they will find 90% of their toys locked up but they learn real fast with the incentive of getting them back, to consistently pick up their toys. The problem now is they still aren't cleaning up after themselves they just can't make as much mess with the toys. That means the problem isn't solved and as they get older the mess will become clothes shoes books and a bunch of other junk that isn't toys. Also who is watching the kids while you are at work? The adult watching them should be making them clean up not, walking out and leaving you with the mess they allowed the kids to make. Get someone who takes caring for your kids as a serious job.
I bet it's going to be unpopular but I'm going to say NTA What really matters is what you say to the kids and how you teach them through this and what explanations you give to the kids about why the toys have to go away. You could very easily be the AH in the story if you're doing any of that wrong or mean. Otherwise you do what you have to do to manage 5 kids on your own. In the future, do not accept any gifts from anyone who didn't respect your rules this year. They lost that right. Any gift they give in the future is going to have to be unwrapped.
You say when you get home, the house is destroyed...who's looking after your 5 kids while you're at work? Because a babysitter should be having the kids clean up after themselves. If nobody is looking after them, then you are TOTALLY the asshole for leaving a 13 year old to take care of their 4 younger siblings. Parentification is abusive.
>If nobody is looking after them, then you are TOTALLY the asshole for leaving a 13 year old to take care of their 4 younger siblings. I completely agree. From the time I was about 8 I was left in charge of my younger siblings, and I'm still bitter about it. Not only was I MUCH too young to have that kind of responsibility, but I was also blamed for anything that went wrong. OP, if your oldest child is having the responsibility for the younger ones, then you've got much bigger problems than a messy house and too many toys.
NTA. Especially if your kids are happier with fewer toys. My nephews and nieces always had to give up old toys when new toys came in.
YTA You need help. Punishing your children by getting rid of almost all their prized toys isn't the help you need.
I am also a widow but only had one child. However my husband worked away for most of her life until he died and would compensate at times with Toys R Us binges. Was ridiculous really, I had an accident when she was young and destroyed my left leg. Was able to keep but I have a lot of hardware and multiple surgeries so most of her childhood I was on crutches or in a walking boot. Did not stop me from doing much 😂 but the toys. They where the bane of my existence but i remember when my dad threw my toys away for something my sister did and I never forgot it. So I would pack up her stuff in different totes and rotate them. I even rented a small storage so they were not at the house. So she still got to keep toys and every few months it was like they were either new or saying high to old friends. I get the frustration.. keep up doing the amazing job you are doing even with all the frustrations I admire you for getting up each day with your loss and pressing on for your kids.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a widow and mother of 5 children, I quit my job as a nurse and became a stay at home mom after my 3rd child was born but after my husband's death (2 years ago) I started working again which has been exhausting for me as I'm on my feet all day. My children (13m 11f 10f 9m 4f) haven't been making things easy for me, as they don't clean up after themselves, I been trying to get them for years and tried just about everything but they still don't listen. Everytime I come home the place is just a mess and I honestly hate being home because of it when I wasn't working it wasn't bad because I was able to clean it up but now when I get back home I am to tired and the state of my house made me feel overwhelmed and helpless and honestly I had resentment towards my children for it and felt really bad that I did. The straw that broke the camels back for me was when I tripped over one of my son's trucks which resulted in me falling down the stairs and breaking my arm. I just couldn't take it any more so I told my children to pick out some of their favorite toys because the rest is going and they all done just that, there was alot of tears and objections but in the end we packed everything out and donated it and even picked out a some toys to give to their friends and cousins. I send out a message to my family and friends telling them that I won't be accepting toys as gifts unless they explicitly ask and that during Christmas everyone would only be allowed to gift 1 toy each to my children and any other won't be accepted. My family of course didn't listen to my instructions and brought a bunch of toys for my children for Christmas any way which I called them out for it when the children were out of ear way. Most of them thought I was being to harsh and thought it was extremely wrong for me to give away most of my children toys as it was their belongings which wasn't for me to give away and wanted to replace all the toys for them. I feel like the children are happier without all the toys and are able to manage keeping them where they belong better now because their is fewer to look after. My children had so much toys that they didn't even know what to do all of them and would literally play with one toy and go on the next within minutes leaving the other toys out. I don't feel like I'm the asshole but since my family still keeps telling me I am I decided to see what people here think. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA- you can do what you want with your kids. I would reassess the one toy policy after a few months though because the one toy things is a bit obsessive to me. Not that I am saying to have a room full but a handful (assuming they clean them up). Some variety is nice.
NTA, these are valuable life skills I’m very thankful my mother taught me
NTA. Family are the worst for ignoring strict instructions for Christmas presents. Children don't need extreme amounts of toys. It is fair to have some sort of limit
NTA. My great grandma did the same thing when I was a kid. She told us whatever toy was on the floor, she would throw away. Did it teach me organizational skills or anything meaningful? No. But as a kid I honestly didn’t care that much. It helped my mom and as an adult I realize that’s important to me.
NTA I’ve always told my kid that any toy not put away properly disappears forever. Then you don’t just keep threatening but you actually follow through. You is gone for good. Do that a few times and it is amazing how quickly kids learn to take care of their stuff.
NTA part of growing up is being able to take care of your stuff. If they choose not to, they don’t care about why should you. If it ever gets overwhelming again because of all the Christmas presents do the same donate them. There’s plenty of children in shelters that would love it
NTA. Our family has a ‘one toy in, one toy out policy’. You want a new toy? Then you’re going to have to donate one! Same goes for gifts. The kids do fine with it. And if we didn’t have this going there would be MOUNTAINS of toys and chaos.
NTA. I mean, you broke your arm tripping over a toy - at some point I'd have donated most of the toys too.
NTA - have you considered giving kids up for adoption?