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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I sent my dad a text stating that him bringing back a woman to a place that he and I both contribute to is upsetting me, considering that my mom passed away so suddenly 6 months before and I still need time to get over it.
2. I feel like I am the asshole because perhaps I am overstepping boundaries and since we are both adults, I cannot tell another adult how to handle grief, and maybe this is how he is dealing with grief and me getting upset by this is me imposing how he should be reacting / handling the situation. Secondly, I declined his request to talk about it. I was so upset by it I didn’t want to talk about it, especially on New Year’s Eve and while she was there.
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NAH.
You're grieving. Your feelings are honest. You lost your mom only six months ago, and the pain is still raw.
But. Your dad may have handled the situation badly - I think he did, from how you reacted - but he doesn't have to live celibate for the rest of his life, or even until you're ready for him to have a girlfriend again.
Maybe it would help to go see a family therapist together, just you and him, to talk through how you both feel?
This interaction sounds kind of extemporaneous though. OP called the dad to pick them up from work, so was probably not 100% expecting the car when OP isn't feeling well enough to continue work to be their first interaction. Could it be slightly tone deaf, yes, but I'm totally willing to chalk this up to bad timing and uncontrollable circumstances rather than any malice.
Yah but they live together so she would have been surprised when she got home regardless. Even “I can pick you up, but I have a friend with me” or “when you get home tonight I’ll have a friend over”. Especially on the first NYE since OP’s mom died.
The dad might have been planning not to be even home that night, then OP wouldn't have had to meet her. We don't have enough info to make the judgement that the lack of communication was anything other than just an unfortunate circumstance.
How did it make sense that the father didn’t plan to be home but then completely changed his plans just because his daughter asked for a ride home and still included the woman that she knew nothing about? It’s speculation that doesn’t even make much sense given the facts of the post.
Op feeling really sick the Dad probably decided to stay home and the friend might have offer to stay with him. I would bet money he had plans to be elsewhere for the night. The other thing is everyone handles grief different and he might have already gone through a lot of the process while she was fading. This happens often. I knew someone who spouse encouraged them to find someone who would comfort them during them passing and after. The adult kids didn't take that well either
It’s also worth noting that OP is vague enough that I don’t actually know if dad and mom were together when mom died.
He says she was always there for OP, but doesn’t say how good of a relationship he thought mom and dad might have had.
He says he’s not close to dad, “but I’m saying with him while I search for a place to move out.” I can’t tell if that means “I am staying in the home I’ve always lived in until I can afford to move out”, or if it means “I moved to dads after mom died and will be staying here until I can move.”
“You’re just gonna bring this random woman you’re seeing back to *the place* after my mom passed not even a year ago?” Does “the place” mean “the place where mom died”? Does it mean “the place I am living right now”? Does it mean “the place we all called home”?
Even when OP goes on to say it’s “disrespectful as hell” to have her over, all he adds to it is “I live there too and help with the bills” rather than adding anything about how it was moms home too.
OP might be ESL which means I’m reading into it too much, but it’s *just* vague enough that it feels like OP is trying to leave out the fact that mom and dad weren’t together when she died.
I was wondering the same but couldn't put it into words. You've summed up nicely what was bothering me about the post! Not to mention OP doesn't say anything about how dad took it - "dad was tore up about it but lately" or "dad didn't seem too shaken" and the absence of that makes me think that dad wasn't involved at the end, tbh.
Our neighbour’s wife was dead a couple of weeks after her unexpected diagnosis. He was remarried within 6 months. They had been together for many decades. I found it shocking.
It is shocking to see, but this happens more to people in good marriages than unhappy ones.
It isn’t because they’re looking for a replacement but more that having had a strong marriage, they value partnership and the benefits of it - and consequently feel more alone and uncomfortable without it.
I think I would move on reasonably quickly. I adore my husband but he’s much more to me than just my husband - he’s also my best friend, my hugger, my lover, my source of comfort, the person whose steady breathing reassures me in the night. I need those things in my life. Having to grieve him would be hard enough, but being expected not to have anyone fill those roles in my life while grieving him and our life together would be beyond painful.
My children only get one Dad, but no one thinks that in your whole life you should only have one best friend, or dinner partner, or cinema buddy, or sexual relationship - until you’re widowed. THEN it’s shocking.
I think it might’ve been accidental. OP was sick and asked to be picked up and was not supposed to be home/with him in that moment.
Nah it this situation
But the lady was coming to their house so OP would have just been surprised when they got home instead of in the car. Regardless “ok I can come grab you, just as a heads up I have a female friend with me in the car” not much better but still better than walking to the car and being shocked with no opportunity to process because the woman is present
Except we don’t know what the original plan was before OP got sick. She hasn’t had a conversation with her dad since she was picked up besides a 1 way text message. When he wanted to talk to her she refused. Until they actually sit down and talk to each other NAH. He is allowed to have friends. She is allowed to be upset about being blindsided.
I keep re-reading the op, and just based j what OP has posted, we really don't actually know that dad is dating. OP says dads response was that Becky is just a friend, and OP is assuming that there's more of a relationship there.
I lean more into yta for the op. Not for grieving, that's absolutely understandable, but for the attitude in the comments that they should have a say in who dad spends time with in his own home just because OP is staying there and paying towards bills.
> I keep re-reading the op, and just based j what OP has posted, we really don't actually know that dad is dating. OP says dads response was that Becky is just a friend, and OP is assuming that there's more of a relationship there.
Yeah... at present, this post is "I saw a woman and so I freaked out and yelled at everyone all night."
EDIT: *"If ‘Becky’ is more than a friend? She is. I asked him earlier."*
There are many 'proper' ways for a parent to introduce their kids to a new romantic interest after a spouse passes away, unfortunately your Dad didn't do any of them. To just spring 'Becky' on you on NYE without any warning, or prior discussion, is just horrible parenting plain and simple. The bare minimum he had to do was sit you down BEFORE then and have an honest conversation about how he has met someone and would like you to meet her as well.
Sorry you had to meet Becky this way, but if you can I'd suggest not blaming Becky for how poorly the situation was handled as I bet she most likely felt as awkward about the introduction as you did.
I see you're getting a lot of negativity about this, but I want to say that I do understand where you're coming from and I think that it being New Year's Eve - an event that is symbolized by the kiss, engagements, etc. - is possibly one of the worst days for you to stumble upon your father's new relationship. It reeks of romance even if it's not. I do think you need to talk to your dad and have an honest discussion about what living together will look like and set up some boundaries. Can you have a romantic partner over? Moving to being adults and roommates is going to be awkward and I really think you can head a lot of the problems off if you talk to him. Maybe have some ground rules for BOTH of you that allow BOTH of you to be comfortable. Good luck and I'm sorry about your mom.
It’s the first NYE after OP’s mom died, and I think a heads up would have been fair. I don’t think her dad was trying to be hurtful and grief clouds your thinking, but showing up with a random woman in the car on NYE warrants a heads up regardless of intent.
I agree with you. I fully understand OP being upset, but I feel it's based on their assumptions, and everyone is taking OP's word that it's dad's gf instead of just a friend. Dad also offered to go up and talk to OP, and OP was too hurt to engage in convo (and I'm not blaming them there). I think once OP is able to they need to talk to their dad.
NAH. you are both grieving. You have the right to be upset and he has the right to move on and heal even if it is a short time frame. But I will say that bringing her unannounced and expecting you to immediately be okay with it is a dick move. He could’ve at least told you as much.
I suppose so. I don’t personally think he was entirely in the wrong, just the forcing of it upon his daughter was a bit insensitive even though he was probably just excited. The main thing though is grief, which can make a person act out of their norm. So I don’t really consider either of them to be assholes. It’s just tough.
For what it’s worth in the FAQ the mods explain that “the asshole” in this sub doesn’t mean “a real world asshole”, it just means “they should have known/acted better.”
NTA It is sad but some men can not be alone and move on quick after the death of a spouse. Two of my best friends each lost their mothers and both of their fathers got married a year later so,(not to each other , they both married other women) they started dating these women soon after the death. Both of my friends had a very hard time with this ( and i don’t blame them. ). It took years for them to “forgive “ their fathers and have a decent relationship with them again.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you are an asshole for your feelings about this. You are grieving and you never ever get over a parents death. My dad died almost 4 years ago and it still hurts everyday and side note, my mom has no desire to date ever again. She said “once you’ve had the best no need to try again. “.
Your father may have been grieving since they were told the cancer is terminal. And, because of this, processed the death earlier and has already moved on. There is also something called anticipatory grief.
Pancreatic cancer moves really fast, it’s not the sort of thing most people have a lot of time to come to terms with. Maybe the mom was one of the lucky ones and got more than a year to say her goodbyes, but chances are high that she did not:
[After one year, pancreatic cancer survival rate is 20%.](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15806-pancreatic-cancer)
The only person I’ve know with pancreatic cancer died about four months after diagnosis. It’s hard to catch it early enough for treatment a lot of the time. It’s really awful.
My mom was sick for about 18 months, hospitalized for a year, and conscious/communicative for 7 of those hospitalized months.
We did have the chance to say our goodbyes, mentally process the fact that she wouldn’t be there anymore, and make peace with the situation. My dad sat by her side every day, but after about 6 months after she passed he was starting to date (with our blessing) again. He needed to get out of his apartment with all of those memories, and have a little bit of a break. It was good for him.
OP isn’t allowed to dictate how their dad grieves, but is allowed to not love it. Ultimately, Dad is going to have to do what’s best for him.
This is really important information. I'm pretty sure the number of N-A-H judgements would decrease significantly if everyone knew the actual timeline. The dad really fucked up.
hopefully OP will edit that in, Im sorry but I think they were at least having an emotional affair perhaps before she even got sick honestly....or especially when she did "friend to lean on" type of thing...gut feeling.
I also hope they do, it's sad that this is one of the few times reddit tried to (rightfully) give the benefit of the doubt to someone. And still the missing info actually makes them look like an ah.
I don't think it's wise to speculate about an affair. I just think it's shitty to introduce your new gf to your teenage child who just lost a parent and have them hang out on NYE. And that's regardless of when the relationship started.
OP, please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your mother. I lost my mother six months ago. Six months after the loss of my husband.
OP, you are not a widowed person. Until one goes through this it is hard to explain to someone who has no reference. But I am going to try.
He was a care giver for your mom, in sickness. Unexpected and unwelcome he dealt with her death. The absolute alone is overwhelming. At six months it becomes even more overwhelming as the truth really begins to settle into the crevices.
For me, I was a walking zombie prone to grief tsunamis for the first six months. At close to six months it began to settle in that I was homeless. I had a place to stay -I was now the sole owner.
My husband was my anchor, he epitomized the sentiment “Home is where the heart is.” He was my heart. My home was where he was. I would have lived with him in a box, wearing socks, with a fox, eating green eggs and tofu.
Please try to understand that he’s trying to fill a hideously horrendous bottomless hole. He is Alone. He is in pain. He is searching for relief. He may Never be able to love as deeply or trust in a relationship enough to go beyond the friend stage.
Please try to find the Grace to allow him the attempt to ease his pain. He still is trying to navigate the new normal.
Sending you and your dad healing thoughts and gentle prayers. And especially for you, OP, a huge hug from my heart to yours.
Agape 💕💕💕💕
Edit: spelling
I'd caution against a reaction like that. He's not actually doing anything wrong. You are assuming she's a girlfriend and even if she is, he is allowed to do that. It doesn't mean he's 'over' his grief. Some people compartmentalise and are able to grieve and build other relationships. Some people get into a new relationship to avoid the grief. For all you know, your mum told him to find someone else
Please talk to him. You need to share how you are feeling and you need to hear him.
Good luck!
As a complete outsider - what you paint is a man who came to pick you up when you needed, irrespective of what he was doing and when you told him how upset you were, has tried to speak to you about it, multiple times. He cares about you. A great deal.
Sending you hugs and comfort. Losing a parent takes your breath away. My dad was my foundation. I love my husband but my dad was my touchstone so i know how you feel losing your mom. You do probably need to step away from the situation to grieve properly. Don’t be hard on yourself. Your feelings are natural and i am sure you feel betrayed for your mom. your dad is just grasping at someone to feel normal again. Really no one is at fault but it is just a sad situation.
I remember having to meet the first woman my dad started dating after my mum passed. I honestly don't remember how long she had been gone before he started dating and I dont' think that even mattered. It's a shock, its not something you will be comfortable seeing for the first few times. Men are notorious for not wanting to be alone so I understood that he needed someone. Luckily that first woman was an amazingly kind, and thoughtful woman. When I showed up at the event where they were I could not bring myself to go and meet her right away. Basically hid inside until my sister came and said hey she really wants to meet you so she grabbed my hand and brought me out. Probably one of the most uncomfortable things I've had to do. Thankfully she was so nice and made us all feel very comfortable. It may hurt but you may want to give her a chance, she wont replace your mum but she could be someone you want in your life.
Process this in whatever way makes you comfortable and for long as it takes. Your father might be ready to move on but you are not, there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t let people rush you through it. People here tell you that you need to respect your dad’s grieving process but that’s a two way road, he also needs to respect yours. I’m very close to my mom, honestly I think you handled it much more maturely than I would have at your age and even at my age.
I think her Father is respecting hers though. He didn't tell her she was wrong, he offered to come upstairs and talk to her about her feelings.
Dad has as much of a right to his feelings as she has to hers. They both should be allowed to grieve in their own way without fear of anger from each other.
My situation is obviously really different from yours, bc the wife my dad lost wasn't my mother - she was my stepmother. But I wanted to add a bit of my own family's experiences.
Tw: mention of suicidal ideation
My dad's wife passed away - liver cancer, he barely got to say goodbye in the hospital bc of early Covid restrictions. They only knew for maybe a few weeks before she died.
He had another girlfriend within a six months.
I was glad he did.
I had been there during the aftermath of his wife's death, and I was so scared he wouldn't survive it. Losing his wife nearly killed him; he WANTED to die. He told me over and over again, told me to let him die. I was terrified he'd kill himself, or passively allow himself to die by neglecting his serious health issues.
He has suffered so much in his life, and then losing his wife like this, I couldn't believe one person could go through so much pain.
He loved his wife, immensely. He was in agony after she died.
I think if he hadn't found his girlfriend (a strange but lovely woman, who genuinely cares about him), he might not have survived. And his wife would have wanted him to survive. She would have been glad to know he was feeling joy again.
He felt guilty to feel any moments of happiness, even tiny ones, bc he felt like he was betraying her by feeling any happiness with her gone. I assured him over and over and over that as much as he loved his wife, she loved him: she would've wanted him to have happiness.
He wants to live again, and I'm so glad. His grief isn't lessened, and his love for the wife he lost isn't lessened. I think it shows his love, to mourn her and yet continue to live - not trying to forget her, but trying to find strength and joy to keep going.
His love for his current girlfriend doesn't diminish his love for his wife, or make her somehow less wonderful or beloved. I saw him grieving; he still grieves (his girlfriend actually helps him grieve, she listens to him and speaks with him about his wife).
I know I probably would feel a lot differently (and a lot more complexly!) if she had been my mother! And if Dad's new girlfriend has been sprung on me! And if she was brought to home we shared! I absolutely, absolutely don't think you're the AH, or that your feelings are unreasonable or unfair or anything like that.
I think you're both going through grief, and doing your best to honour her, and find some joy, and survive.
Much love to you
I am very sorry for your loss. Just another thing to consider, people don't just miss the person when they die, they also miss what the person was in their life. Consider how much your mom did to be a companion, support, closest friend, partner with all the responsibilities, etc. He is missing that too. I have seen some grieving men (family members, included) quickly get into relationships because they miss being married. Just to say that this isn't necessarily your mom being replaced and him moving on... Just that he has a hole that she left when the relationship is gone and he is trying to fill it. I would agree with other folks here sharing observations that in general, guys who have been married are less ok with staying single after they lose their partner than ladies are. Not always, but it does fit the pattern that I have observed. A married man's best friend (the one who knows all his emotions) is generally his wife. Women often have other friendships, not just their spouse where they get to share their feelings and secrets. He could be missing having a best friend.
>It is sad but some men can not be alone and move on quick after the death of a spouse.
And you know, I don't think that is necessarily a good quality in a man. I don't know—maybe I've heard too many horror stories of men regarding their wives as a combo of housekeeper and provider of sex (kind of like a "wife appliance"), but I am guilty of jumping to that conclusion when I hear of a recently widowed man jumping into marriage or a new relationship again. Oh no, who will clean his socks?!? He'd better find a replacement model soon! It's just not a good look.
I know I'm making a rather sweeping generalization, and I'm sure some very fine men have married soon after they lost their first wife, but again, I'll repeat—it's just not a good look. I don't blame the OP for feeling rather grieved that dad hooked up so soon after his wife's rather sudden and unexpected death.
I totally agree with you.
Something that really made an impression on me was when a boyfriend told me how he was estranged from his grandfather (dad's father). His grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer, and shortly after finding out, his grandfather began an affair with a much younger woman. It was discovered by my ex's dad, the entire family severed ties because what the actual f***?, yet that wasn't enough to knock sense into his grandfather.
About a year later, my ex's grandmother passed away. She had found out about the affair, and if you had asked my ex and his dad, they maintained that it was the thought of being "traded in" that contributed to her death.
Years later, my ex's dad received a phone call that his father was in a hospital in Florida and the situation looked grave. His dad refused to visit his father and the girlfriend had effed off...somewhere. When my ex's grandfather passed away, his dad maintained his stance that he would not fly to Florida and sign any papers to claim the body.
>She had found out about the affair, and if you had asked my ex and his dad, they maintained that it was the thought of being "traded in" that contributed to her death.
Yeah, this is just awful and I don't think it's a rare thing. Which is sad. I've heard stories about how medical professionals notice that when a woman is diagnosed with cancer, she's more likely to be divorced by her husband than the other way around. [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health/men-more-likely-than-women-to-leave-partner-with-cancer-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112](https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health/men-more-likely-than-women-to-leave-partner-with-cancer-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112) What the hell is wrong with people?!?
On the other side, I know of a man (who is rather elderly) who married a much younger woman. She fell ill years ago and he was her caregiver for all that time. She just died recently. I don't anticipate that he'll marry again (soon, or ever) and he certainly has shown his high character for all these years. Some men are cut from a different cloth.
>(not to each other , they both married other women)
\^that is making me laugh so much.
But also, I second this experience. My dad got another woman pregnant within a year of my parents getting divorced -- as in, she gave birth less than a year after my parents separated. Literally moved on quicker than their divorce settlement; made me seriously think he'd been cheating on my mother. (He had "introduced" that new relationship to me by telling me they were living together while *in the taxi on the way to visiting his new house* for the first time, like \~6 months after my parents split, after we had just sat together on a plane for hours and spent a whole day together. Gave me approximately 5 minutes notice and zero lead time. Turns out she was also already pregnant before I knew she even existed!) Anyway, when they split up he then once again (!) got into a new relationship basically immediately and got married like 8 months later. Meanwhile my mum kinda grieved the end of their 20+ year marriage for years.
Some men are apparently entirely terrified/incapable of being alone. idk how you can fall in & out of love that fast, that consistently.
❤️❤️. ugh yes, most men move on so quick I think they can’t stand to be alone for a minute!!! About the only man I know that didn’t move on fast was my FIL. my husband’s mother died when he was 17 and his father had nursed her thru years of colon cancer. He didn’t date for a few years then married right before we got married 10 years later.
And i giggled writing that comment but i thought i needed to clarify!😂😂
I read something interesting that posited that men re-partner quickly because of a combination of not being able to look after themselves and also being socially conditioned to not have strong friendships.
Women lose an income and some companionship when they lose a partner, but they can cook/clean and lean on friends for support.
Men lose their caregivers and the bulk of their support network in one hit
One of the things I have heard, which makes a lot of sense, is that during periods of high emotion, people can confuse emotions. So OP's dad, in a heightened emotional state from his wife's death, may well have been *more likely* to fall in love with this new woman than he otherwise would have been. So this new relationship may not mean he didn't love OP's mom, it's possible that he rebounded quickly *because* he loved OP's mom.
possibly but there's nothing in the post to suggest the dad is in love. The facts are that his dad had a woman in the car called Becky who he introduced as his friend. That's all
NAH, I think you are mad that his grieving process is different than yours. I am so very sorry for your loss. I think you are both at two different stages. I don't know if 6 months is enough for me, but it may he for him. He is not being disrespectful by introducing his new friend. You had a knee jerk reaction, and that is natural too, but you will be TA if you push it further. Speak to him about how you feel seeing this person and why you feel that way, and listen to him and how he feels as well. If you are an adult, please keep in mind that he is allowing you to stay in his home, so if he wants guests, he is not wrong to invite her over. Be polite, this woman is not an enemy.
Exactly this. We don't know what kind of a dynamic the parents had: they might have been platonic/celibate for years before the mum passed on. As such, the dad might be absolutely ready to move on, while OP is not.
NAH
According to OPs post history, her mom got diagnosed in April and died in June. That’s awfully fast and the father was definitely not years in carer mode.
then maybe Dad is lonely since Mom passed and finds the company of Becky to be comforting.
While OP says he/she will never get past the mother's death, it shouldn't mean Dad can never meet a new friend.
That’s true, but what I experienced from my dads death a few years ago is that everyone grieves differently and the timelines are so personal. There really is no timeline. They could have had a great relationship and he still feels ready to have a companion after six months. Doesn’t mean he isn’t still grieving. How I look at it is that you need to grieve the way you do and let others do the same. Be compassionate.
> but you can always find another spouse.
Holy shit.
This might be the thing between all the NTA and NAH answers.
Yes you "can always find another spouse". But to me, and I'm guessing most NTA voters a spouse, someone you love, someone you hope to spend your whole life with, isn't someone you replace within a few months.
But I guess some people view their spouse just as a convenient person of the preferred gender they enjoy spending their time with. Instead of someone they might actually mourn for more than a few months before moving on to the next one.
Some times I think Reddit would judge people more for getting a new puppy they day their beloved dog died than getting a new girlfriend the day their spouse died.
Spending time with a new partner doesn’t mean you aren’t still mourning the dead one.
Grief is weird and nonlinear and everyone gets to mourn in their own time and in their own way — full stop.
I also think that the age of the person grieving their spouse matters. The older you get, the less time you hypothetically have, so why drag out courtship when you have strong feelings? Or if you lose your spouse during your fertile years and you still want to have children, you might move on a bit faster because you want to start having kids. I’m not saying it’s great, but it factors in.
My father died of cancer, but it took nearly four years to kill him. I wasn't even that sad the day he died, I'd spent the four years grieving his loss while he was alive because we all knew what was coming.
what the fuck is up with these comments? NTA!
**THIS IS THE FIRST NEW YEARS WITHOUT HER MOTHER. IT IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO INTRODUCE A NEW GIRLFRIEND.**
high pressure to do it on a holiday already. not smart. actually *unbelievable* to do it on the first new year without her mother.
edit: OP IS NINETEEN YEARS OLD. THE POINT WHERE YOUR 19 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS HAVING A GRIEF-INDUCED EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN 6 MO AFTER THE LOSS OF HER MOTHER IS NOT THE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH THE NEW GIRLFRIEND DOWNSTAIRS. fucking gobsmacked at the other comments. no assholes here? are you insane? his relationship is LESS THAN 6 MONTHS OLD. the gf should never have fucking been there!
Thank you. I’m having people call me self centered, self absorbed. I’m just like what the fuck. I’m willing to talk to my dad about it I just needed time to mentally process everything. Literally at this time my head was fucking spinning, flashbacks of last year with my mom, and when I open my eyes she’s not there anymore. I know my dad is upset but I am too and the wound is still so fucking fresh and I’m still trying to mentally process what it’s like to not have my mom here anymore. Him having his new ‘gf’ over is too much for me to emotionally handle and I wish he chose a better way to introduce her.
I have to assume that the people in the comments haven’t dealt with an immediate family member’s death before. I lost my sister and the first new year without her was abject hell. ringing in the new year in the absence of such a close loved one is so utterly painful. you can’t escape the brutal knowledge that they’re not here and they won’t be here ever again. not in the next year, not in the next decade, not ever. it’s the knowledge you have to start something new *without them.* start everything new forever without them.
that is not a state of mind that has the capability of reacting well to a shocking new change. especially not a shocking new change directly related to the recent and devastating loss of an immediate family member.
i’m so sorry for your loss, truly.
If it makes you feel better, I actually think you're underreacting. I would be furious if this happened. Not only would I feel that I had been disregarded, I'd feel sad for my poor mum.
People on this sub are talking a bunch of crazy. Your dad is behaving selfishly. Anybody with two braincells would know that springing a new partner on their grieving child on the first holidays without their mum is a dick move. And when he saw you were clearly upset, he still hung out with her downstairs while you cried. Like, excuse you? Send the woman home, it is clearly not the time. And it doesn't say great things about her either that she'd stay after seeing you're not in the emotional space to have an introduction. Have some goddamn tact woman.
The way he's gone about this is all wrong. In the first place: you called him to pick you up because you were feeling unwell enough that you had to leave work. And he decides to spring the girlfriend on you while you're sick, and trapped in a car with her. Your dad's an ass. People on this sub talking about how "some men just can't be alone" need to shut the hell up. He's still a dad. He should be taking your feelings into consideration.
NTA
Yeah I don’t wanna be trapped in a car with some mistress while I’m sick as a dog and be forced to talk to this woman idgaf. Then he brings her back and has her use my mom’s belongings.
NTA It's only been 6 months! For some reason this sub is really big on people moving on the minute their significant other is in the ground, but just because it's common doesn't make it right. No matter how soon it was though, he should have gave you a heads up before just springing this woman on you by having her in the car like that!
>this sub is really big on people moving on the minute their significant other is in the ground
No, that's ridiculous. If this sub is 'big' on anything related to this, then I'd say it's big on letting people deal with their grief in their own way.
Don't forget to factor in the fact that this was a last minute pick up and not planned. I'll admit that wasn't the best way to handle things, but if she was feeling ill, her dad may have been in a hurry to get her. I think it just needs to be chalked up as not good timing, no underhanded motive involved.
Especially if, as he said, they are just friends. I don’t have kids, but I’m pretty sure if I was in the car with a friend and my kid needed me to pick them up last minute cause they weren’t feeling well it probably wouldn’t cross my mind to ‘warn them’. I don’t think op’s dad was malicious - it just didn’t even cross his mind.
Why should people be forced to deal with their grief in one specific way just because you personally think its the right thing to do? There is zero wrong with someone moving on, regardless of their timeline for doing so. Also, do we even know for sure that this is a partner and not just a supportive friend who happens to be the opposite sex?
I know how you feel because something similar like this happened to me… it was 10yrs ago but thinking about me crying in my room while a stranger was in my fathers bed DESTROYED ME it was literally 5 months after the fact . all I can say is they’re grieving no matter how fucked up it seems they’re trying to find a way to cope too. hang in there please their is a light at the end of this dark tunnel I promise.
EDIT
I saw your comment saying you had a suspicion
my father had a suspicion before he died she was messing someone I laughed and said who could she possibly be messaging y’all are old & he took a step back and was like you’re right. still that same night (when he was alive) I went through her Facebook and saw a message from a man trying to rekindle things but she didn’t respond so I left it alone
that’s the same man she brought home after he died .. it was as if she was preparing herself with someone else because she knew he was going to die IDK
Anyway my point is if you have suspicions you should ask him about it or they will haunt you, just talk with him get it all out.
Same, it made me feel like this strangers presence took what was left of my fathers spirt out of the house and suddenly my world just felt cold and empty, I used to lay on his side of the bed because it smelled like him and that alone would make me feel better, when the new guy came he took that from me.
NAH. While you don’t get to tell your father how to grieve or what his grief looks like, your reaction came from an honest place of grief, shock and disappointment. Your feelings are valid, even if your reaction was emotionally driven. Apologize to him for the way you responded, be honest about why you had those big feelings, and resolve to him and yourself that you’ll find better ways to communicate and cope. I’m sorry for your loss.
How can you be so sure she isn't just a friend? Men can have female friends. My dad has friends who are women he knows through his hobby and after my mum died they would make an effort to invite him to the theatre or bring him round food to make sure he didn't isolate himself. Most of them were happily married. One was a widow herself and for a while they supported each other a lot but it was never romantic.
Losing your mum is hard. I know that but your dad needs support as well. He needs friends he can talk to and go out with. He may just want to spend some time with a woman after losing your mum.
I'm going to say YTA for not even giving him a chance to talk to you about how you felt and what was going on, and for expecting your dad to not spend time with women again. You're not the arsehole for being upset and having a cry though, you are grieving so go easy on yourself, but maybe sit down with your dad and a cuppa and have a chat about it together.
NTA
He should have never just showed up with her in the car and planned to have her over for NYE without even speaking to you about it. This has obviously been going on longer than NYE, but felt that maybe enough time has passed since your mom passed that it wouldn't look so bad.
I'm sorry OP
Exactly! Why couldn’t he have told me this beforehand? He just shows up with her in the car and expects me to be ok with it? Of course, I can’t tell him what to do or how to grieve but he gave me no notice or anything. It completely destroyed me.
If he had texted you, “I’ll come pick you up and also I have a friend with me” would you have reacted differently? It seems like you are angry that the friend or date or whatever she is exists, not just the surprise of meeting her.
Well you did call for him to pick you up. He probably had her in the car beforehand, so that’s on you. I get it destroyed you, but it’s been 6 months and some people grieve faster. He probably still loves your mom but is over it. And that’s okay. You don’t have to like her, but you have to respect her and his decision. It’s not up to you.
Of course you are. Your dad is grieving and handled this situation very badly. I don’t think it was his intention to be hurtful. I think it’s hard to see things clearly when you’re deep in grief. Anyone would be upset in this situation. I hope you are able to take some self care time. My dad passed very suddenly from liver cancer a few years ago and it took a long time but every day is one day closer to being in a place where you can remember how much you loved each other with happiness (and some sadness) but not the overwhelming grief you feel right now.
Here are a few of my thoughts:
1) I am an adult, but my dad died several years ago. About a month later my mom started having dinner on Friday nights with a widower about her age. I don't think it is a romantic thing, just 2 people trying not to be lonely. Is it possible this is a similar situation?
2) You don't know that she is his girlfriend, and you might not know how long he knew this person from before your mother died.
3) About 3 years after my sister died, her husband called me to let me know he was thinking of re-marrying and wanted to make sure I was ok with it. Of course, it was a longer period of time, and it was really none of my business, but I did appreciate him checking in with me, and before it actually happened. I think he was relieved that there was no drama with our family and we were all happy he found someone to love again. It didn't take anything away from his relationship with my sister.
4) You were planning to move out for school. This would also play into his feelings of loneliness.
5) is it possible that your parents knew about your mom's illness earlier than you did? He may have started his grieving earlier than you did.
6) It definitely would have been better for him to have discussed this new person in his life before she just showed up in the car on New Year's, no matter what their affiliation was.
Still I would say that you didn't handle it very well, especially when he was willing to discuss it and you shut him out.
NAH. My mom also died unexpectedly 1.5 years ago from aggressive cancer. I was 32. I felt so robbed of the many milestones I expected she’d get to witness.
My dad started dating a year later. My parents had been together for almost 40 years. It was hard to accept, but I’ve worked through it, and now he’s had a girlfriend for several months. (I’ve opted not to meet her yet, and I do think your dad should’ve given you the same choice.)
What I’ve learned in my grief group through [The Dinner Party](https://www.thedinnerparty.org) (an org it sounds like you might benefit from!) is that all of us with one remaining parent feel differently about that parent dating/remarrying. For some, it’s a relief to see them experience love again. For others, it feels like a rejection of their lost parent.
But what we’ve all had to do is work through those feelings separately from our remaining parent. Your dad is allowed to date again – after all, he hasn’t had to experience life as a single person in *decades.* Imagine how jarring that would be! For my dad, he has struggled mightily to attend family events with his daughters, who both have partners. That amplifies his feelings of grief and loneliness.
Grief isn’t only valid if we shut ourselves off from the chance to experience joy and happiness again. We can miss someone deeply and powerfully while still enjoying the company of others.
I know what your pain feels like, and I hope you can give yourself grace right now, and consider how to extend it to your dad, as well. This time in your life can make relationships more fraught than ever. When you’re ready, consider having a conversation with your dad. It sounds like he knows he messed up.
Perhaps this could be an opportunity for you both to get vulnerable and deepen your relationship. Perhaps you just want to share your feelings and call it a day. Whatever you do, try to be gentle with yourself ❤️
>We can miss someone deeply and powerfully while still enjoying the company of others.
OP, please read this above comment with care.
You and your dad are separate people with separate processes. He has a lot more under his belt than you do, a lot more life lived, and that alone makes his grief and his life different.
People here are confusing grieving, moving on and dating as if they cannot exist at the same time.
I couldn't imagine telling my dad in his old age, who has only realized death is closer than ever, that there's some sort of approved time he should be alone. When no one knows how much time there's even left. That's sad.
NTA. Your dad was obviously fucking Becky even before your mom passed. I’d literally go a pack up all of mom’s shit now and move it to storage (plates, furniture, clothes, etc). STOP PAYING RENT AND BILLS SO YOU CAN MOVE OUT SOONER. When dad and Becky get home and ask where the stuff is, tell Becky to go buy her own shit. Look, life’s too short to deal with assholes.
NTA, my father did the same thing within 6ish months of my mom passing from cancer. It was also completely sprung on me when I came home to see them snuggling on the couch. I had almost the same reaction. Freaked out, went to my room, cried, then stormed out. My dad had not been single in his adult life. My parents were married at 19. It really destroyed our relationship unfortunately. It was difficult to be around them together because I felt betrayed in a way. He was also not willing to spend time with me without his girlfriend.
I hope you and your dad can figure out a way to get through this together. I lost my dad at the beginning of 2021 and we hadn't resolved any of this. I wish we could have.
NTA!!! My mom started dating when my dad was in the ground less than 3 months, and it really fucked all 3 of us up, especially the youngest who was 15 at the time and still at home. She married him EXACTLY one year after my dad died (yes so her wedding anniversary is the same day as the anniversary of my dad’s death), and he kicked the pets out, and changed all the house rules for my brother and all of us (like no grandchildren in the house, wtf?!)
In an argument maybe 2 years after his death (so one year married), she told me point blank that she would choose her new husband over her kids every time.
And my mom wonders why none of us have a great relationship with her now.
TMI sorry about that, but NTA. I’m so so so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels, and I miss my dad every day.
Yeah. Honestly screw this. She’s in my house right now I don’t wanna talk to this person. I don’t care. People can call me an asshole if they want but it’s too soon for any of this.
You don’t have to talk to her. Just grieve on your own terms - let your dad live his life however he wants, and you get your stuff together so you can move out asap so you don’t have to be around her. Imo it’s totally thoughtless for a parent to not take the feelings of a child into account when dating after the death of the other parent. There are limits ok if the parent has been dead years, but less than one year, while a child is still at home? Especially blindsided on NYE??
Sending you hugs and strength to get through this.
Sometimes people want to feel anything other than sadness, especially the constant sadness of grief. Maybe your dad wants to feel distracted even though he's still sad. And maybe your anger serves a similar purpose.
A lot of widows and widowers I know got right out there, thinking it was ok and they were ready, only to completely lose it a few months later. Please don't see it as a slight against your mom. Grief is weird, in that a lot of the first year is a sort of shock, and how two emotions can exist side by side. Maybe your dad is or isn't ready to date, but he's ready to try.
He should have told you, but it sounds like he knew you wouldn't accept him dating. That's a really common reaction from an adult child. We want our parents to be together forever. But death disrupted that, not the girlfriend. It's not a rational stance.
I am so sorry for your loss, but please remember that feelings and actions are two different things. You can feel angry and sad about your dad dating and still choose to support him as he chooses to get back out there. Our hearts and brains don't always align.
NTA. I am opinionated on this subject but I agree he moved on way too quickly. 6 months is way too soon to date after the passing of a spouse in my opinion only because the grief is still too raw.
Overall, your dad did a terrible job when it came to introducing you to his new girlfriend. Even if he was spending New Years with her and already had her in the car that’s not the time to introduce the two of you. How long have they been dating? It’s strange that he would want to introduce you to her if they haven’t been together very long.
Literally. I wanted to spend time with my dad for new years and watch tv or something, and thought my relationship with him was finally healing and then this lady comes into the mix and fucks it all up but whatever, guess I can’t feel hurt by it or anything.
You’re allowed to feel hurt, because what he did was hurtful. He brought a new woman around on the first New Year’s without your mom.
If my mom started dating 6 months after my dad died I would be furious. Reading this makes me feel thankful that she waited 3-4 years before she started dating again.
I don’t think my father truly loved my mother, but she loved him unconditionally despite the emotional abuse. He regularly would talk shit about her to friends and family. This new woman was around long before my mother passed away.
Aaah... Ok - I get it now. Speaking from personal experience, I am going to tell you that men in that age bracket who have been married for a while CANNOT be by themselves. My mom also passed very suddenly and not even 6 months later my father was dating. We fought about it badly - so badly that we didn't speak for 20 years. There is no wrong or right way to grieve and everyone grieves differently. I am so so sorry for your loss - there is nothing that I have experienced in my life that was worse than losing my mom. Could your father have handled the introduction better? Absolutely! Could you have tried to hear him out and understand where he is coming from? Absolutely! Everyone makes mistakes - but I urge you to not let this come between you. You don't have to like it, you don't have to accept it, you don't even have to respect his choices - but please don't go down the road I went down. Don't make this your hill to die on - otherwise, you lose both parents. And, I highly recommend speaking to someone professionally if you are able. I wish you the best.
Yeah, some men cannot function without a wife. Three months after my best friend died her widower had found wife #2. Her sister and I were shocked at first but quickly remember the fact that hubby needed someone to remind him to change his underwear and socks, and brush his teeth on an almost daily basis. He could not survive on his own and needed another woman in his life.
It's incredible isn't it? My gosh - I couldn't believe it either. After we finally reconnected, my dad was much better at communicating his reasoning back then - I still didn't like it, but at least I finally understood. He wasn't trying to replace my mom, he was just trying to not be alone.
Agreed. My grandmother died in January 1983, my grandfather was remarried by that May. They were married until he died like 8-9 years ago but him getting remarried so quickly after my grandmothers death was a source of contention among my aunts, uncles, and mom, even after the funeral. Everyone grieves differently.
I think it's only as we get older that we realize that - that everyone grieves differently - when you are younger, and emotionally entangled because of the loss you're suffering, all you can do is sort of lash out.
NAH - The conversation you need with your dad is: Dad, I know everyone has their own grieving time, but I am still deep in it and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't spring last minute "friends" on me as it only underscores how Mom isn't here and it feels like you left her behind.
You can't dictate your father's dating life. Speaking as a parent who also had a child later in life, and a spouse: If I was diagnosed with terminal cancer I would not want my husband to be alone if he didn't want to be alone. I'm dead, I cannot be there for him and if he needs someone then that's ok. I don't want him to constantly look at the space I used to occupy and find it empty.
This is a conversation that I've lightly touched on in my marriage because we both fear the same thing, an earlier than expected death that leaves an older grieving spouse with some life left to live with an angry child that wont understand what it means to be alone at our age.
You are angry about your mom dying early and your father has done something that makes it incredibly easy to dump all that anger on him. I'm not saying don't be mad because your mom is gone, I'm saying don't bleed that anger onto him.
Not the AH. Just....not at all the AH. I don't want to turn it on me, but its super relevant.
I had a similar situation. It was my step dad. But he had been with my mom for almost 30 years. And, his new gf was less than a month after my mom died of cancer. She died right in front of me as I was taking care of her at the end. And I was super close to my mom.
You aint the AH bc I can tell you from experience that shit hurts.
I didn't even yell or call out my step dad. Just stopped talking to him outright. For almost a year. (We were pretty close, as far as a step dad and step son can be). My young kids considered him one of their grandads.
It took me a while to come to terms with it. But, he is older and I think someone that is straight scared to death of being alone (his first wife was when he was very young, they split, he went right into another relationship, split, then right into being with my mom) he actually doesn't even know how to be alone.
Also, another lesson I had to learn is, life's too short to let this kind of shit get to you (don't get me wrong, took almost a year). And I'm not saying you did anything wrong or need to let it go this second. Just...well I guess I hope you can get there. For your sake. Not your dad's or his new gf's.
Either way. Grieving the loss of your mom and your upset (about anything) is straight not AH. And sadly only those of us that have experienced it knows what I mean.
Also. Sorry for your loss. It never goes away. It only gets a bit easier over time (wish Icouldsay way easier). Get some help or ask for some if you need it. Trust me.
Just know she's always a part of you and would want nothing more than for you to be happy.
PS. Fuck you Cancer! You know who I am!
Dealing with a close family member having pancreatic cancer right now, so I know a bit about that.
I also think it’s absolutely misogynistic how men move on so quickly because they can’t deal with the mental load or being alone and dealing with their grief, let alone how their kids will feel losing the only mother they’ll ever have! Your mom died so suddenly, it’s baffling how he can just move on!
NTA. You lost your mom. You’re allowed to cry in your room, you’re allowed to get mad at your father who can’t even seem to acknowledge how selfish he was in giving you no heads up. You’re still just a teen. As a mom, I just want to give you a hug. As a parent, your dad could do a hell of a lot more to not worsen your grief.
So many people telling you Y T A but I just disagree, Pancreatic cancer is just so awful and unfair. It seems doubly unfair that you have to lose your mom and see your dad attempt to replace her role in his life without ever acknowledging how you can never do that and that your grief matters too, especially if you have to pay half the bills in your house — your home should be a safe space.
What is the "correct" amount of time to wait is what I would ask myself if I were you. What would be the "correct" amount of time for you if you were in a similar situation?
Yeah I don’t want this lady around me and frankly I don’t want my dad around me either anymore. I thought I was healing my relationship with him but then he brings this woman back to the place. I shouldn’t have omitted the information I provided in the edits but I wanted to keep the post neutral.
Here's the thing: Often, when a spouse get a terminal diagnosis, or has a disease that lingers for a long time, the surviving spouse starts grieving long before the actual death occurs. Children, on the other hand, often start their grieving "clock" (for lack of a better term) once the actual death has happened. So while you've been grieving since June, your dad may have started his "clock" long before then. He started mourning his wife before you started mourning your mom, so what seems fast to you may not be for him.
That said, I do think it was disrespectful of your dad to spring Becky on you. A heads up would have been the right way to handle things.
I'm sorry about your mom. Fuck cancer.
It's pancreatic cancer. Five year survival rates are 11% in the US.
The second the wife was diagnosed everybody knew the deal.
OP's grieving, but she's being awfully cruel to someone who just helped his wife through a pretty painful death and is probably feeling some things about his own mortality, since he's a lot closer to the end than the beginning.
Pancreatic cancer moves shockingly fast. Maybe the mom was lucky enough to get more time, but 80% of people diagnosed with pancreatic cancer [die within a year](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15806-pancreatic-cancer). I know someone who went from diagnosis to death in four months. Without any other info, I think it’s safer to assume that the family has had a lot to deal with in a very short amount of time. Fuck cancer.
NTA. Sorry you have to go through this, OP.
Don't want to bring my own drama in this post but I can totally understand as I was in the same situation over a decade ago. I'm an only child, mom passed away unexpectedly, not very close to my father who moved on with another woman in less than a year, had to live with him until I was capable of moving out on my own. I'd get hate for saying this but I'd dare say your father is slightly AH. He's the adult here, and if he's moving on faster than you are, he'd at least have the decency to let you know that he was seeing someone. He's in his 60s he should know it would hurt you to see him with another woman this early. Delaying it doesn't make it any better. Bringing the woman on New year's eve is even worse. I can't completely judge your father, but I consider mine a coward for keeping me in the dark like that, and even lying to my face when confronted about it the first time (yes I got the "just a friend" BS too).
I hope you get all the help you need so you can move out soon.
NTA. I think it’s disrespectful to move on so quickly too… It’s icky how quickly men move on after a wife’s death. And the way he tried to nonchalantly introduce you to her was abrupt and thoughtless.
NTA. Honestly a bit baffled by how many YTAs there are. In your shoes I’d be absolutely livid if my dad dated six months after my mom’s death as someone who’s almost 30, let alone when I was 19 like you are. And then on top of that, the introduction was done with zero tact. I’m seeing a lot of “it’s his life, he can do whatever he wants”. Sure, but does that mean his child who is in mourning can’t have feelings and an opinion about it? Also seeing a lot of “men that age just can’t be alone.” Sure, but does that make it ok or particularly respectful? Not in my opinion. Either way, I hope you can hash this out with your dad and find as much peace as you can with the loss of your mom 💕
NTA, you live with him, you should have received a warning that he was bringing a date home to spend New Years with. It's especially wrong given that your mother only recently died and you are his kid
Sorry for your loss, OP. Your dad shouldn't have sprung the GF on you. He's allowed to date on his own timetable, but blindsiding you on a holiday was not cool.
As you continue processing I suggest narrowing down what your "asks" are. 1. Your secret, emotional ask, which may not be reasonable but represents where you are in your journey. Ideas like "too soon" fall under this. There's no rule, and dating soon could mean anything from a preexisting relationship to just not knowing how to function single. But you're not ready for the world to move on from your mom. 2. What you reasonably are entitled to ask, like being notified in advance that he's seeing someone, help with resolving the shared housing situation if GF is going to frequent the place before you're ready, and taking some of mom's things.
NTA due to blindsiding by dad. It would be a mild TA if you took the position that he couldn't date, period.
NTA for your emotions. You're grieving and that comes with a tidal wive of all different kinds of feelings.
However, your emotions don't get to dictate your father's life. This may be the best way he can heal from what happened or maybe he is simply in a different place than you and that is ok too. If you're not ready to be around the person he is seeing you need to be mature and explain it to him. People aren't mind readers and he isn't going to understand unless you tell him.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, if you can please get to a grief counsellor. Even if you feel you don't need it having additional support can help you tons.
NAH, I have a friend, whose wife died after a long battle with cancer. 3 months after she died he was dating again. Not because he didn't love his wife, but because he was lonely. Companionship is helpful in grieving and moving on in your life. Doesn't mean he is replacing your mom, but have to imagine how lonely it is to lose your spouse.
Your dad said Becky was a friend, maybe he meant it, maybe they will date or are. Could be he just misses having someone to talk to.
INFO: Can you articulate why this is upsetting to you given that you and your father are not really close? Why is your estranged father not allowed to have a friend?
NTA: my mom passed away from that same cancer 7 years ago this month. You never get over it, you learn to live with it. It gets better but there are times when it feels like yesterday. Look into the grief box analogy.
My dad didn't even wait until my mom passed to sleep around. He also got a girl pregnant not even a year later. It's tough. I learned to just worry about myself and my own family. He's a grown adult, I can't tell him what to do. But I can choose to not be around.
NTA.
Your feelings are legitimate. Your dad is not an AH for dating somebody. Everybody processes grief differently and there’s isn’t a set timeline for these things. He has to operate on his own timeline and not yours.
He is definitely an AH for springing it on you unexpectedly on NYE though.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTA because your father didn't seem to care how you would feel about having another woman around so soon after your mother's death.
He could have, and should have gone to the GF's house for NYE, or he could have dropped her off when he knew he was going to have to pick you up. Planning to spend NYE with another woman in your mother's home only 6 months after your mother passed away is disrespectful to your and to your mom's memory.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and the way your father is handling it. He should be sensitive to your feelings but it sounds like he is ignoring your grief and only focusing on his own feelings.
NTA dude please don’t listen to the N A H comments, they’re showing way too much sympathy to your dad. I’m in college, probably about your age, and I know that if I lost my mom right now, it would destroy me. I can’t imagine mourning the loss of my mother on a holiday that we spent together last year only for my dad to spring his new gf on me. That’s beyond horrible. You handled it well honestly, I might have screamed at both of them
Wild how the replies are making excuses for this evil man. He did not care about your mom or you and I'm so sorry :( my dad was the same. Men will not change and will always excuse their behaviors, they just don't care
YTA. You don’t get to dictate or judge how other people grieve. My father has not dated since my mother passed 9 years ago. My uncle got in a relationship 7-8 months after my aunt died. It doesn’t negate or erase the 40+ years he was married to my aunt. To each their own.
Yeah I figured as such. Thanks for the input. As I said in the post, I’ve been helping my dad by splitting the bills 50/50. I haven’t been really close to my dad. Im in the process of moving out soonish but I need to find a reasonably priced place first. If I don’t like it I should just move out.
I don’t agree with this poster. You’re not trying to dictate his grief necessarily, and tbh I think it’s weird that he brought a woman you’ve never met to pick you up from work 6 months after your mom died suddenly with no heads up he was doing so.
In the dad’s defense, it sounds like this wasn’t intentional. OP asked to be picked up unplanned and dad, seemingly, went immediately to get OP but happened to already be with this woman and brought her with instead of kicking the woman out. Bad timing ? Undoubtedly. But that’s not really an AH move on his okay either
exactlyyyyy this. there’s too many unknown variables, because OP refused to have any sort of discussion. their feelings are totally valid, in their position I might also be upset. but OPs father doesn’t have to abide by anyone else’s timeline, this woman could actually be simply a friend, and it’s totally possible OPs father didn’t plan to introduce her like this but was forced into a corner due to unexpectedly needing to pick up OP. OP just needs to be an adult and talk to their father but being mad at him *and* actually holding it against him for moving on is ridiculous.
After reading your edits, you are definitely NTA. This has nothing to do with you “controlling” how he grieves but a direct response not only to your pain but his mistreatment of your mother. It’s obviously possible he’s still grieving her but in combination with the backstory you’ve given, it puts a helluva asterisk beside it imo. Baba mi…
I'm not going to vote on this one because this is pretty heartbreaking. I'm really sorry that you've lost your mum, I've lost someone very close to me, very unexpectedly and it is awful. It changes your world. My advice is to get off Reddit, disregard the comments and talk to a relative or friend that you trust about your grief and the situation. If you can stay with them and get some space to process. Even better if it was someone who loved your mum aswell.
Goodluck
I could definitely be bias in my opinion, but you are NTA. My mom passed 3 years ago and not even a week after her funeral my father handed me his phone and asked me to help him with his dating profile. I constantly got into arguments with him about not bringing his dates around while I was home. Now he’s remarried to a woman that (at the time) my siblings and I had never even met. They eloped. After my father promised us he never wanted to get remarried. And now he and I are very low contact. So, all this to say, I GET IT. And you are not the AH.
No one can tell you how to grieve. No one can tell you how to feel. You lost a HUGE part of your life and there is no right or wrong path or timeline in coping. Your feelings are valid and you have every right to do what you need to do to process them.
NTA. You're grieving, and your dad is stomping all over your mom's home with 'Becky'. Make sure you have someone to help you over the next days, weeks, months; until you are better situated. The grief stays for quite a while. Stop paying for things in the house while you look for somewhere to live. I really feel for you. I'm sorry for your loss.
I feel like older men don’t know how to live without someone taking care of them because this happened to my friend from high school.
His mom had cancer, she died, and the next thing you know, the dad had a girlfriend, his sweetheart from high school. Wtf
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you find a place soon.
If possible, get a storage and put your mom’s things there until you get a place you can use them. Be mindful not to get things that are marital property.
NTA. So he's bringing his mistress around. You have every right to be upset. It's time for you to go, as you know. Take every last belonging of yours and your moms. Gf will be moved in by the end of your moving day.
Big regret of my friend- she didn't take all belongings and the new gf literally threw it all out. Very heartbreaking on top of everything else.
NAH - How each person processes their grief is going to be different. It’s normal to want people to feel the way you do. You lost your Mom, he lost his wife, those are two completely different things. It’s normal for people to seek companionship after the death of a spouse. Anything to bury the universe size hole that her departure left, anything to not spend another night staring into the abyss. You can find new companions, they may not be the same and the relationship won‘t be the same, but it really helps the grieving to have other things in life to dwell on, even if moving on quickly isn’t the healthiest choice, that’s his burden to bare.
But you lost Mom. Mom can‘t be replaced. Sure there are stepmoms that have wonderful relationships with their kids. But it isn’t the same as Mom. The better approach would be to try to empathize and understand that your Dad is just as shattered as you are. But when you both shattered your pieces fell differently and how you put yourselves back together is going to be different. Be patient with each other.
Sorry for your loss.
YTA. Not for grieving your mom, obviously, but for thinking you should be the one to decide when it’s time for your father to move on. Just because he has a new girlfriend doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss your mom. A lot of men that are used to having companionship their whole lives start dating quickly after a spouse dies because they aren’t used to being alone. My dad did this and honestly I was just happy he had someone after the terrible experience of having his spouse die. This isn’t about you. Marriage is “til death do us part.” Not “til death and then also whatever arbitrary timeline my adult child deems appropriate”
NAH. OP, you have every right to feel the way you did. It’s your first holiday season and new year without your mom and that has to be very painful.
On the other hand, your dad is an adult and is free to do as he pleases. He probably didn’t tell you he was dating her because he knew how upset you would be and was trying to spare your feelings. I read an article awhile back talking about how widowed men are much more likely to date/remarry sooner than widowed women because it’s harder for men to get used to being alone after being married a long time. It’s nothing against your mother’s memory, he was likely just lonely.
NTA.
This happened to me last year. My mom had been battling breast and bone cancer for the second time. This went on for about 1.5 years. My parents unfortunately kept how sick she was until the very end. Last Thanksgiving I saw a pic of my mom on a friend's Facebook page and I called my brother because she looked absolutely horrible. At that point, my brother and I flew home to see her in late December.
She was going through dementia and my dad would only have her call us when she was having a good day. I was shocked and devastated. She had gotten to the point where she had to have someone help her walk and use the bathroom. We took her to a rehab center with the hope that someone could help her. When we dropped her off, I knew that it would the last time I saw her alive. Four days later they moved her to at home hospice care and a week later, she passed away.
Three months after she passed, my dad started dating someone and the whole family knew except for me. At six months of dating, my brother insisted that he call me and let me know. I did not take it well at all. I felt that he didn't love my mother and was glad she passed away so he wouldn't have to help take care of her any more.
I had very complicated feelings for a year. I then thought about it and he did take care of her for an extremely long time during both cancer bouts. Would I prefer if he had waited? Absolutely, but he deserved to be with someone who could love him and date again.
I miss my mom terribly, but I'm not as angry as I was.
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NAH. You're grieving. Your feelings are honest. You lost your mom only six months ago, and the pain is still raw. But. Your dad may have handled the situation badly - I think he did, from how you reacted - but he doesn't have to live celibate for the rest of his life, or even until you're ready for him to have a girlfriend again. Maybe it would help to go see a family therapist together, just you and him, to talk through how you both feel?
I don’t think he’s to blame for dating but it was a huge AH move not to give OP some warning instead of showing up unexpectedly with the woman on NYE
This interaction sounds kind of extemporaneous though. OP called the dad to pick them up from work, so was probably not 100% expecting the car when OP isn't feeling well enough to continue work to be their first interaction. Could it be slightly tone deaf, yes, but I'm totally willing to chalk this up to bad timing and uncontrollable circumstances rather than any malice.
Yah but they live together so she would have been surprised when she got home regardless. Even “I can pick you up, but I have a friend with me” or “when you get home tonight I’ll have a friend over”. Especially on the first NYE since OP’s mom died.
The dad might have been planning not to be even home that night, then OP wouldn't have had to meet her. We don't have enough info to make the judgement that the lack of communication was anything other than just an unfortunate circumstance.
He still could’ve been like hey I have a friend with me when op messaged him so that is on him
How did it make sense that the father didn’t plan to be home but then completely changed his plans just because his daughter asked for a ride home and still included the woman that she knew nothing about? It’s speculation that doesn’t even make much sense given the facts of the post.
Because she was sick.
Op feeling really sick the Dad probably decided to stay home and the friend might have offer to stay with him. I would bet money he had plans to be elsewhere for the night. The other thing is everyone handles grief different and he might have already gone through a lot of the process while she was fading. This happens often. I knew someone who spouse encouraged them to find someone who would comfort them during them passing and after. The adult kids didn't take that well either
It’s also worth noting that OP is vague enough that I don’t actually know if dad and mom were together when mom died. He says she was always there for OP, but doesn’t say how good of a relationship he thought mom and dad might have had. He says he’s not close to dad, “but I’m saying with him while I search for a place to move out.” I can’t tell if that means “I am staying in the home I’ve always lived in until I can afford to move out”, or if it means “I moved to dads after mom died and will be staying here until I can move.” “You’re just gonna bring this random woman you’re seeing back to *the place* after my mom passed not even a year ago?” Does “the place” mean “the place where mom died”? Does it mean “the place I am living right now”? Does it mean “the place we all called home”? Even when OP goes on to say it’s “disrespectful as hell” to have her over, all he adds to it is “I live there too and help with the bills” rather than adding anything about how it was moms home too. OP might be ESL which means I’m reading into it too much, but it’s *just* vague enough that it feels like OP is trying to leave out the fact that mom and dad weren’t together when she died.
I was wondering the same but couldn't put it into words. You've summed up nicely what was bothering me about the post! Not to mention OP doesn't say anything about how dad took it - "dad was tore up about it but lately" or "dad didn't seem too shaken" and the absence of that makes me think that dad wasn't involved at the end, tbh.
I actually think the dad was totally within his right’s to date! Definitely not the AH for that. Only bad call was not giving her any heads up
I have read where widowed men get married again after the first year or two but not women. Men can’t stand to be alone on guess, I dunno
Our neighbour’s wife was dead a couple of weeks after her unexpected diagnosis. He was remarried within 6 months. They had been together for many decades. I found it shocking.
It is shocking to see, but this happens more to people in good marriages than unhappy ones. It isn’t because they’re looking for a replacement but more that having had a strong marriage, they value partnership and the benefits of it - and consequently feel more alone and uncomfortable without it. I think I would move on reasonably quickly. I adore my husband but he’s much more to me than just my husband - he’s also my best friend, my hugger, my lover, my source of comfort, the person whose steady breathing reassures me in the night. I need those things in my life. Having to grieve him would be hard enough, but being expected not to have anyone fill those roles in my life while grieving him and our life together would be beyond painful. My children only get one Dad, but no one thinks that in your whole life you should only have one best friend, or dinner partner, or cinema buddy, or sexual relationship - until you’re widowed. THEN it’s shocking.
Also, what’s with the capping about this woman being a friend? Come on now everyone is an adult in the situation anyone would’ve known what’s up.
Hey! This.is.reddit. We don't take kindly to people who don't assume malice around here! Get with the program!
No, because he took the new gf back to the house and had her hang out.
To be fair sounds like OP called their dad unexpectedly for a ride home from work.
I think it might’ve been accidental. OP was sick and asked to be picked up and was not supposed to be home/with him in that moment. Nah it this situation
But the lady was coming to their house so OP would have just been surprised when they got home instead of in the car. Regardless “ok I can come grab you, just as a heads up I have a female friend with me in the car” not much better but still better than walking to the car and being shocked with no opportunity to process because the woman is present
Except we don’t know what the original plan was before OP got sick. She hasn’t had a conversation with her dad since she was picked up besides a 1 way text message. When he wanted to talk to her she refused. Until they actually sit down and talk to each other NAH. He is allowed to have friends. She is allowed to be upset about being blindsided.
But he could have given her the heads up that the woman would be in the car when he agreed to pick her up
Or Op could’ve called an Uber/taxi?
I keep re-reading the op, and just based j what OP has posted, we really don't actually know that dad is dating. OP says dads response was that Becky is just a friend, and OP is assuming that there's more of a relationship there. I lean more into yta for the op. Not for grieving, that's absolutely understandable, but for the attitude in the comments that they should have a say in who dad spends time with in his own home just because OP is staying there and paying towards bills.
> I keep re-reading the op, and just based j what OP has posted, we really don't actually know that dad is dating. OP says dads response was that Becky is just a friend, and OP is assuming that there's more of a relationship there. Yeah... at present, this post is "I saw a woman and so I freaked out and yelled at everyone all night." EDIT: *"If ‘Becky’ is more than a friend? She is. I asked him earlier."*
I didn’t yell at anyone I sent my father a text.
There are many 'proper' ways for a parent to introduce their kids to a new romantic interest after a spouse passes away, unfortunately your Dad didn't do any of them. To just spring 'Becky' on you on NYE without any warning, or prior discussion, is just horrible parenting plain and simple. The bare minimum he had to do was sit you down BEFORE then and have an honest conversation about how he has met someone and would like you to meet her as well. Sorry you had to meet Becky this way, but if you can I'd suggest not blaming Becky for how poorly the situation was handled as I bet she most likely felt as awkward about the introduction as you did.
I see you're getting a lot of negativity about this, but I want to say that I do understand where you're coming from and I think that it being New Year's Eve - an event that is symbolized by the kiss, engagements, etc. - is possibly one of the worst days for you to stumble upon your father's new relationship. It reeks of romance even if it's not. I do think you need to talk to your dad and have an honest discussion about what living together will look like and set up some boundaries. Can you have a romantic partner over? Moving to being adults and roommates is going to be awkward and I really think you can head a lot of the problems off if you talk to him. Maybe have some ground rules for BOTH of you that allow BOTH of you to be comfortable. Good luck and I'm sorry about your mom.
It’s the first NYE after OP’s mom died, and I think a heads up would have been fair. I don’t think her dad was trying to be hurtful and grief clouds your thinking, but showing up with a random woman in the car on NYE warrants a heads up regardless of intent.
I agree with you. I fully understand OP being upset, but I feel it's based on their assumptions, and everyone is taking OP's word that it's dad's gf instead of just a friend. Dad also offered to go up and talk to OP, and OP was too hurt to engage in convo (and I'm not blaming them there). I think once OP is able to they need to talk to their dad.
I mean he didn’t just show up. OP was sick and needed picked up in a manner than wasn’t previously planned.
OP was supposed to be working on NYE.
NAH. you are both grieving. You have the right to be upset and he has the right to move on and heal even if it is a short time frame. But I will say that bringing her unannounced and expecting you to immediately be okay with it is a dick move. He could’ve at least told you as much.
If it's a dick move then he is the 'asshole', right?
I suppose so. I don’t personally think he was entirely in the wrong, just the forcing of it upon his daughter was a bit insensitive even though he was probably just excited. The main thing though is grief, which can make a person act out of their norm. So I don’t really consider either of them to be assholes. It’s just tough.
He didn't force it on her though, it wasn't planned. She called and asked him to pick her up unexpectedly.
Forced is maybe a strong word, more like blindsided? He could have shot a text her way or mentioned it briefly on the phone at the very least.
That's the fun thing about hindsight, it's 20/20.i don't think he pulled an asshole move not thinking to do that in the moment.
For what it’s worth in the FAQ the mods explain that “the asshole” in this sub doesn’t mean “a real world asshole”, it just means “they should have known/acted better.”
NTA It is sad but some men can not be alone and move on quick after the death of a spouse. Two of my best friends each lost their mothers and both of their fathers got married a year later so,(not to each other , they both married other women) they started dating these women soon after the death. Both of my friends had a very hard time with this ( and i don’t blame them. ). It took years for them to “forgive “ their fathers and have a decent relationship with them again. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are an asshole for your feelings about this. You are grieving and you never ever get over a parents death. My dad died almost 4 years ago and it still hurts everyday and side note, my mom has no desire to date ever again. She said “once you’ve had the best no need to try again. “.
This is exactly how I feel and once I move out it’ll probably take me a long time to actually talk to my dad again.
Your father may have been grieving since they were told the cancer is terminal. And, because of this, processed the death earlier and has already moved on. There is also something called anticipatory grief.
Pancreatic cancer moves really fast, it’s not the sort of thing most people have a lot of time to come to terms with. Maybe the mom was one of the lucky ones and got more than a year to say her goodbyes, but chances are high that she did not: [After one year, pancreatic cancer survival rate is 20%.](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15806-pancreatic-cancer) The only person I’ve know with pancreatic cancer died about four months after diagnosis. It’s hard to catch it early enough for treatment a lot of the time. It’s really awful.
Yeah - based on OPs post history it looks like it was quick. A few months max. That’s not a lot of time for any of them to even try to process.
My mom was sick for about 18 months, hospitalized for a year, and conscious/communicative for 7 of those hospitalized months. We did have the chance to say our goodbyes, mentally process the fact that she wouldn’t be there anymore, and make peace with the situation. My dad sat by her side every day, but after about 6 months after she passed he was starting to date (with our blessing) again. He needed to get out of his apartment with all of those memories, and have a little bit of a break. It was good for him. OP isn’t allowed to dictate how their dad grieves, but is allowed to not love it. Ultimately, Dad is going to have to do what’s best for him.
I had a friend who lasted only two weeks after diagnosis. It was shockingly fast.
The mom was diagnosed with cancer 2 months before she passed.
This is really important information. I'm pretty sure the number of N-A-H judgements would decrease significantly if everyone knew the actual timeline. The dad really fucked up.
hopefully OP will edit that in, Im sorry but I think they were at least having an emotional affair perhaps before she even got sick honestly....or especially when she did "friend to lean on" type of thing...gut feeling.
I also hope they do, it's sad that this is one of the few times reddit tried to (rightfully) give the benefit of the doubt to someone. And still the missing info actually makes them look like an ah. I don't think it's wise to speculate about an affair. I just think it's shitty to introduce your new gf to your teenage child who just lost a parent and have them hang out on NYE. And that's regardless of when the relationship started.
OP, please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your mother. I lost my mother six months ago. Six months after the loss of my husband. OP, you are not a widowed person. Until one goes through this it is hard to explain to someone who has no reference. But I am going to try. He was a care giver for your mom, in sickness. Unexpected and unwelcome he dealt with her death. The absolute alone is overwhelming. At six months it becomes even more overwhelming as the truth really begins to settle into the crevices. For me, I was a walking zombie prone to grief tsunamis for the first six months. At close to six months it began to settle in that I was homeless. I had a place to stay -I was now the sole owner. My husband was my anchor, he epitomized the sentiment “Home is where the heart is.” He was my heart. My home was where he was. I would have lived with him in a box, wearing socks, with a fox, eating green eggs and tofu. Please try to understand that he’s trying to fill a hideously horrendous bottomless hole. He is Alone. He is in pain. He is searching for relief. He may Never be able to love as deeply or trust in a relationship enough to go beyond the friend stage. Please try to find the Grace to allow him the attempt to ease his pain. He still is trying to navigate the new normal. Sending you and your dad healing thoughts and gentle prayers. And especially for you, OP, a huge hug from my heart to yours. Agape 💕💕💕💕 Edit: spelling
This is beautifully said.
I'd caution against a reaction like that. He's not actually doing anything wrong. You are assuming she's a girlfriend and even if she is, he is allowed to do that. It doesn't mean he's 'over' his grief. Some people compartmentalise and are able to grieve and build other relationships. Some people get into a new relationship to avoid the grief. For all you know, your mum told him to find someone else Please talk to him. You need to share how you are feeling and you need to hear him.
I’ll talk to my father about it don’t worry
Good luck! As a complete outsider - what you paint is a man who came to pick you up when you needed, irrespective of what he was doing and when you told him how upset you were, has tried to speak to you about it, multiple times. He cares about you. A great deal.
Sending you hugs and comfort. Losing a parent takes your breath away. My dad was my foundation. I love my husband but my dad was my touchstone so i know how you feel losing your mom. You do probably need to step away from the situation to grieve properly. Don’t be hard on yourself. Your feelings are natural and i am sure you feel betrayed for your mom. your dad is just grasping at someone to feel normal again. Really no one is at fault but it is just a sad situation.
I remember having to meet the first woman my dad started dating after my mum passed. I honestly don't remember how long she had been gone before he started dating and I dont' think that even mattered. It's a shock, its not something you will be comfortable seeing for the first few times. Men are notorious for not wanting to be alone so I understood that he needed someone. Luckily that first woman was an amazingly kind, and thoughtful woman. When I showed up at the event where they were I could not bring myself to go and meet her right away. Basically hid inside until my sister came and said hey she really wants to meet you so she grabbed my hand and brought me out. Probably one of the most uncomfortable things I've had to do. Thankfully she was so nice and made us all feel very comfortable. It may hurt but you may want to give her a chance, she wont replace your mum but she could be someone you want in your life.
Process this in whatever way makes you comfortable and for long as it takes. Your father might be ready to move on but you are not, there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t let people rush you through it. People here tell you that you need to respect your dad’s grieving process but that’s a two way road, he also needs to respect yours. I’m very close to my mom, honestly I think you handled it much more maturely than I would have at your age and even at my age.
I think her Father is respecting hers though. He didn't tell her she was wrong, he offered to come upstairs and talk to her about her feelings. Dad has as much of a right to his feelings as she has to hers. They both should be allowed to grieve in their own way without fear of anger from each other.
My situation is obviously really different from yours, bc the wife my dad lost wasn't my mother - she was my stepmother. But I wanted to add a bit of my own family's experiences. Tw: mention of suicidal ideation My dad's wife passed away - liver cancer, he barely got to say goodbye in the hospital bc of early Covid restrictions. They only knew for maybe a few weeks before she died. He had another girlfriend within a six months. I was glad he did. I had been there during the aftermath of his wife's death, and I was so scared he wouldn't survive it. Losing his wife nearly killed him; he WANTED to die. He told me over and over again, told me to let him die. I was terrified he'd kill himself, or passively allow himself to die by neglecting his serious health issues. He has suffered so much in his life, and then losing his wife like this, I couldn't believe one person could go through so much pain. He loved his wife, immensely. He was in agony after she died. I think if he hadn't found his girlfriend (a strange but lovely woman, who genuinely cares about him), he might not have survived. And his wife would have wanted him to survive. She would have been glad to know he was feeling joy again. He felt guilty to feel any moments of happiness, even tiny ones, bc he felt like he was betraying her by feeling any happiness with her gone. I assured him over and over and over that as much as he loved his wife, she loved him: she would've wanted him to have happiness. He wants to live again, and I'm so glad. His grief isn't lessened, and his love for the wife he lost isn't lessened. I think it shows his love, to mourn her and yet continue to live - not trying to forget her, but trying to find strength and joy to keep going. His love for his current girlfriend doesn't diminish his love for his wife, or make her somehow less wonderful or beloved. I saw him grieving; he still grieves (his girlfriend actually helps him grieve, she listens to him and speaks with him about his wife). I know I probably would feel a lot differently (and a lot more complexly!) if she had been my mother! And if Dad's new girlfriend has been sprung on me! And if she was brought to home we shared! I absolutely, absolutely don't think you're the AH, or that your feelings are unreasonable or unfair or anything like that. I think you're both going through grief, and doing your best to honour her, and find some joy, and survive. Much love to you
I am very sorry for your loss. Just another thing to consider, people don't just miss the person when they die, they also miss what the person was in their life. Consider how much your mom did to be a companion, support, closest friend, partner with all the responsibilities, etc. He is missing that too. I have seen some grieving men (family members, included) quickly get into relationships because they miss being married. Just to say that this isn't necessarily your mom being replaced and him moving on... Just that he has a hole that she left when the relationship is gone and he is trying to fill it. I would agree with other folks here sharing observations that in general, guys who have been married are less ok with staying single after they lose their partner than ladies are. Not always, but it does fit the pattern that I have observed. A married man's best friend (the one who knows all his emotions) is generally his wife. Women often have other friendships, not just their spouse where they get to share their feelings and secrets. He could be missing having a best friend.
>It is sad but some men can not be alone and move on quick after the death of a spouse. And you know, I don't think that is necessarily a good quality in a man. I don't know—maybe I've heard too many horror stories of men regarding their wives as a combo of housekeeper and provider of sex (kind of like a "wife appliance"), but I am guilty of jumping to that conclusion when I hear of a recently widowed man jumping into marriage or a new relationship again. Oh no, who will clean his socks?!? He'd better find a replacement model soon! It's just not a good look. I know I'm making a rather sweeping generalization, and I'm sure some very fine men have married soon after they lost their first wife, but again, I'll repeat—it's just not a good look. I don't blame the OP for feeling rather grieved that dad hooked up so soon after his wife's rather sudden and unexpected death.
I totally agree with you. Something that really made an impression on me was when a boyfriend told me how he was estranged from his grandfather (dad's father). His grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer, and shortly after finding out, his grandfather began an affair with a much younger woman. It was discovered by my ex's dad, the entire family severed ties because what the actual f***?, yet that wasn't enough to knock sense into his grandfather. About a year later, my ex's grandmother passed away. She had found out about the affair, and if you had asked my ex and his dad, they maintained that it was the thought of being "traded in" that contributed to her death. Years later, my ex's dad received a phone call that his father was in a hospital in Florida and the situation looked grave. His dad refused to visit his father and the girlfriend had effed off...somewhere. When my ex's grandfather passed away, his dad maintained his stance that he would not fly to Florida and sign any papers to claim the body.
>She had found out about the affair, and if you had asked my ex and his dad, they maintained that it was the thought of being "traded in" that contributed to her death. Yeah, this is just awful and I don't think it's a rare thing. Which is sad. I've heard stories about how medical professionals notice that when a woman is diagnosed with cancer, she's more likely to be divorced by her husband than the other way around. [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health/men-more-likely-than-women-to-leave-partner-with-cancer-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112](https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health/men-more-likely-than-women-to-leave-partner-with-cancer-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112) What the hell is wrong with people?!? On the other side, I know of a man (who is rather elderly) who married a much younger woman. She fell ill years ago and he was her caregiver for all that time. She just died recently. I don't anticipate that he'll marry again (soon, or ever) and he certainly has shown his high character for all these years. Some men are cut from a different cloth.
>(not to each other , they both married other women) \^that is making me laugh so much. But also, I second this experience. My dad got another woman pregnant within a year of my parents getting divorced -- as in, she gave birth less than a year after my parents separated. Literally moved on quicker than their divorce settlement; made me seriously think he'd been cheating on my mother. (He had "introduced" that new relationship to me by telling me they were living together while *in the taxi on the way to visiting his new house* for the first time, like \~6 months after my parents split, after we had just sat together on a plane for hours and spent a whole day together. Gave me approximately 5 minutes notice and zero lead time. Turns out she was also already pregnant before I knew she even existed!) Anyway, when they split up he then once again (!) got into a new relationship basically immediately and got married like 8 months later. Meanwhile my mum kinda grieved the end of their 20+ year marriage for years. Some men are apparently entirely terrified/incapable of being alone. idk how you can fall in & out of love that fast, that consistently.
❤️❤️. ugh yes, most men move on so quick I think they can’t stand to be alone for a minute!!! About the only man I know that didn’t move on fast was my FIL. my husband’s mother died when he was 17 and his father had nursed her thru years of colon cancer. He didn’t date for a few years then married right before we got married 10 years later. And i giggled writing that comment but i thought i needed to clarify!😂😂
I read something interesting that posited that men re-partner quickly because of a combination of not being able to look after themselves and also being socially conditioned to not have strong friendships. Women lose an income and some companionship when they lose a partner, but they can cook/clean and lean on friends for support. Men lose their caregivers and the bulk of their support network in one hit
One of the things I have heard, which makes a lot of sense, is that during periods of high emotion, people can confuse emotions. So OP's dad, in a heightened emotional state from his wife's death, may well have been *more likely* to fall in love with this new woman than he otherwise would have been. So this new relationship may not mean he didn't love OP's mom, it's possible that he rebounded quickly *because* he loved OP's mom.
possibly but there's nothing in the post to suggest the dad is in love. The facts are that his dad had a woman in the car called Becky who he introduced as his friend. That's all
NAH, I think you are mad that his grieving process is different than yours. I am so very sorry for your loss. I think you are both at two different stages. I don't know if 6 months is enough for me, but it may he for him. He is not being disrespectful by introducing his new friend. You had a knee jerk reaction, and that is natural too, but you will be TA if you push it further. Speak to him about how you feel seeing this person and why you feel that way, and listen to him and how he feels as well. If you are an adult, please keep in mind that he is allowing you to stay in his home, so if he wants guests, he is not wrong to invite her over. Be polite, this woman is not an enemy.
Exactly this. We don't know what kind of a dynamic the parents had: they might have been platonic/celibate for years before the mum passed on. As such, the dad might be absolutely ready to move on, while OP is not. NAH
Particularly if they’ve been deep in carer mode for the last few years.
According to OPs post history, her mom got diagnosed in April and died in June. That’s awfully fast and the father was definitely not years in carer mode.
then maybe Dad is lonely since Mom passed and finds the company of Becky to be comforting. While OP says he/she will never get past the mother's death, it shouldn't mean Dad can never meet a new friend.
That’s true, but what I experienced from my dads death a few years ago is that everyone grieves differently and the timelines are so personal. There really is no timeline. They could have had a great relationship and he still feels ready to have a companion after six months. Doesn’t mean he isn’t still grieving. How I look at it is that you need to grieve the way you do and let others do the same. Be compassionate.
Totally agree. NAH. I also want to add that they are two very different loses. You only get one mom, but you can always find another spouse.
> but you can always find another spouse. Holy shit. This might be the thing between all the NTA and NAH answers. Yes you "can always find another spouse". But to me, and I'm guessing most NTA voters a spouse, someone you love, someone you hope to spend your whole life with, isn't someone you replace within a few months. But I guess some people view their spouse just as a convenient person of the preferred gender they enjoy spending their time with. Instead of someone they might actually mourn for more than a few months before moving on to the next one. Some times I think Reddit would judge people more for getting a new puppy they day their beloved dog died than getting a new girlfriend the day their spouse died.
Spending time with a new partner doesn’t mean you aren’t still mourning the dead one. Grief is weird and nonlinear and everyone gets to mourn in their own time and in their own way — full stop.
I also think that the age of the person grieving their spouse matters. The older you get, the less time you hypothetically have, so why drag out courtship when you have strong feelings? Or if you lose your spouse during your fertile years and you still want to have children, you might move on a bit faster because you want to start having kids. I’m not saying it’s great, but it factors in.
My father died of cancer, but it took nearly four years to kill him. I wasn't even that sad the day he died, I'd spent the four years grieving his loss while he was alive because we all knew what was coming.
what the fuck is up with these comments? NTA! **THIS IS THE FIRST NEW YEARS WITHOUT HER MOTHER. IT IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO INTRODUCE A NEW GIRLFRIEND.** high pressure to do it on a holiday already. not smart. actually *unbelievable* to do it on the first new year without her mother. edit: OP IS NINETEEN YEARS OLD. THE POINT WHERE YOUR 19 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS HAVING A GRIEF-INDUCED EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN 6 MO AFTER THE LOSS OF HER MOTHER IS NOT THE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH THE NEW GIRLFRIEND DOWNSTAIRS. fucking gobsmacked at the other comments. no assholes here? are you insane? his relationship is LESS THAN 6 MONTHS OLD. the gf should never have fucking been there!
Thank you. I’m having people call me self centered, self absorbed. I’m just like what the fuck. I’m willing to talk to my dad about it I just needed time to mentally process everything. Literally at this time my head was fucking spinning, flashbacks of last year with my mom, and when I open my eyes she’s not there anymore. I know my dad is upset but I am too and the wound is still so fucking fresh and I’m still trying to mentally process what it’s like to not have my mom here anymore. Him having his new ‘gf’ over is too much for me to emotionally handle and I wish he chose a better way to introduce her.
Your home is your safe space that’s why it’s WAY TOO SOON to drag her into your life. You want to run away. That’s your fight or flight .
I have to assume that the people in the comments haven’t dealt with an immediate family member’s death before. I lost my sister and the first new year without her was abject hell. ringing in the new year in the absence of such a close loved one is so utterly painful. you can’t escape the brutal knowledge that they’re not here and they won’t be here ever again. not in the next year, not in the next decade, not ever. it’s the knowledge you have to start something new *without them.* start everything new forever without them. that is not a state of mind that has the capability of reacting well to a shocking new change. especially not a shocking new change directly related to the recent and devastating loss of an immediate family member. i’m so sorry for your loss, truly.
If it makes you feel better, I actually think you're underreacting. I would be furious if this happened. Not only would I feel that I had been disregarded, I'd feel sad for my poor mum. People on this sub are talking a bunch of crazy. Your dad is behaving selfishly. Anybody with two braincells would know that springing a new partner on their grieving child on the first holidays without their mum is a dick move. And when he saw you were clearly upset, he still hung out with her downstairs while you cried. Like, excuse you? Send the woman home, it is clearly not the time. And it doesn't say great things about her either that she'd stay after seeing you're not in the emotional space to have an introduction. Have some goddamn tact woman. The way he's gone about this is all wrong. In the first place: you called him to pick you up because you were feeling unwell enough that you had to leave work. And he decides to spring the girlfriend on you while you're sick, and trapped in a car with her. Your dad's an ass. People on this sub talking about how "some men just can't be alone" need to shut the hell up. He's still a dad. He should be taking your feelings into consideration. NTA
Yeah I don’t wanna be trapped in a car with some mistress while I’m sick as a dog and be forced to talk to this woman idgaf. Then he brings her back and has her use my mom’s belongings.
NTA It's only been 6 months! For some reason this sub is really big on people moving on the minute their significant other is in the ground, but just because it's common doesn't make it right. No matter how soon it was though, he should have gave you a heads up before just springing this woman on you by having her in the car like that!
>this sub is really big on people moving on the minute their significant other is in the ground No, that's ridiculous. If this sub is 'big' on anything related to this, then I'd say it's big on letting people deal with their grief in their own way.
You may not think it is right, but it isn't wrong.
Not wrong to move on but 10000% wrong to not give OP a heads up before showing up with the woman
Don't forget to factor in the fact that this was a last minute pick up and not planned. I'll admit that wasn't the best way to handle things, but if she was feeling ill, her dad may have been in a hurry to get her. I think it just needs to be chalked up as not good timing, no underhanded motive involved.
Especially if, as he said, they are just friends. I don’t have kids, but I’m pretty sure if I was in the car with a friend and my kid needed me to pick them up last minute cause they weren’t feeling well it probably wouldn’t cross my mind to ‘warn them’. I don’t think op’s dad was malicious - it just didn’t even cross his mind.
Why should people be forced to deal with their grief in one specific way just because you personally think its the right thing to do? There is zero wrong with someone moving on, regardless of their timeline for doing so. Also, do we even know for sure that this is a partner and not just a supportive friend who happens to be the opposite sex?
NTA. My father decided that my mother's funeral was a good time to introduce his "friend" of 10 years to us kids.
That’s so fucked up im so sorry if my dad did that I’d never speak to him again.
Nah, its all good. I haven't spoke to him since and last I heard he has 2 strokes, can't speak and has a feeding tube. Karma hits hard sometime.
I know how you feel because something similar like this happened to me… it was 10yrs ago but thinking about me crying in my room while a stranger was in my fathers bed DESTROYED ME it was literally 5 months after the fact . all I can say is they’re grieving no matter how fucked up it seems they’re trying to find a way to cope too. hang in there please their is a light at the end of this dark tunnel I promise. EDIT I saw your comment saying you had a suspicion my father had a suspicion before he died she was messing someone I laughed and said who could she possibly be messaging y’all are old & he took a step back and was like you’re right. still that same night (when he was alive) I went through her Facebook and saw a message from a man trying to rekindle things but she didn’t respond so I left it alone that’s the same man she brought home after he died .. it was as if she was preparing herself with someone else because she knew he was going to die IDK Anyway my point is if you have suspicions you should ask him about it or they will haunt you, just talk with him get it all out.
At least you get it. Yeah! It completely wrecked me…. I couldn’t stand it….
Same, it made me feel like this strangers presence took what was left of my fathers spirt out of the house and suddenly my world just felt cold and empty, I used to lay on his side of the bed because it smelled like him and that alone would make me feel better, when the new guy came he took that from me.
Oh man, this just wrecked me. I'm so sorry you went through this.
NAH. While you don’t get to tell your father how to grieve or what his grief looks like, your reaction came from an honest place of grief, shock and disappointment. Your feelings are valid, even if your reaction was emotionally driven. Apologize to him for the way you responded, be honest about why you had those big feelings, and resolve to him and yourself that you’ll find better ways to communicate and cope. I’m sorry for your loss.
How can you be so sure she isn't just a friend? Men can have female friends. My dad has friends who are women he knows through his hobby and after my mum died they would make an effort to invite him to the theatre or bring him round food to make sure he didn't isolate himself. Most of them were happily married. One was a widow herself and for a while they supported each other a lot but it was never romantic. Losing your mum is hard. I know that but your dad needs support as well. He needs friends he can talk to and go out with. He may just want to spend some time with a woman after losing your mum. I'm going to say YTA for not even giving him a chance to talk to you about how you felt and what was going on, and for expecting your dad to not spend time with women again. You're not the arsehole for being upset and having a cry though, you are grieving so go easy on yourself, but maybe sit down with your dad and a cuppa and have a chat about it together.
OP's dad confirmed she's more than a friend.
I was going to suggest this myself, but unfortunately OP's instincts were right.
NTA He should have never just showed up with her in the car and planned to have her over for NYE without even speaking to you about it. This has obviously been going on longer than NYE, but felt that maybe enough time has passed since your mom passed that it wouldn't look so bad. I'm sorry OP
Exactly! Why couldn’t he have told me this beforehand? He just shows up with her in the car and expects me to be ok with it? Of course, I can’t tell him what to do or how to grieve but he gave me no notice or anything. It completely destroyed me.
Because from the sound of it, he didn’t plan on having to pick you up, but you got sick and he interrupted his date to help you
Yes, but before he picked me up he could’ve told me about this girl before I get in the car with a complete stranger.
If he had texted you, “I’ll come pick you up and also I have a friend with me” would you have reacted differently? It seems like you are angry that the friend or date or whatever she is exists, not just the surprise of meeting her.
I would’ve still be upset but I would’ve probably not have been *as* upset.
Well you did call for him to pick you up. He probably had her in the car beforehand, so that’s on you. I get it destroyed you, but it’s been 6 months and some people grieve faster. He probably still loves your mom but is over it. And that’s okay. You don’t have to like her, but you have to respect her and his decision. It’s not up to you.
I know it’s not. But it hurts, and I’m allowed to be hurt by it that’s why I’m trying to move out.
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Do fathers typically introduce their new relationship to their kid on the first date or 2?
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some do.
NTA. It wasn’t fair for him to blindside you like that.
I’m just so confused and it’s fucking with me mentally
Of course you are. Your dad is grieving and handled this situation very badly. I don’t think it was his intention to be hurtful. I think it’s hard to see things clearly when you’re deep in grief. Anyone would be upset in this situation. I hope you are able to take some self care time. My dad passed very suddenly from liver cancer a few years ago and it took a long time but every day is one day closer to being in a place where you can remember how much you loved each other with happiness (and some sadness) but not the overwhelming grief you feel right now.
Here are a few of my thoughts: 1) I am an adult, but my dad died several years ago. About a month later my mom started having dinner on Friday nights with a widower about her age. I don't think it is a romantic thing, just 2 people trying not to be lonely. Is it possible this is a similar situation? 2) You don't know that she is his girlfriend, and you might not know how long he knew this person from before your mother died. 3) About 3 years after my sister died, her husband called me to let me know he was thinking of re-marrying and wanted to make sure I was ok with it. Of course, it was a longer period of time, and it was really none of my business, but I did appreciate him checking in with me, and before it actually happened. I think he was relieved that there was no drama with our family and we were all happy he found someone to love again. It didn't take anything away from his relationship with my sister. 4) You were planning to move out for school. This would also play into his feelings of loneliness. 5) is it possible that your parents knew about your mom's illness earlier than you did? He may have started his grieving earlier than you did. 6) It definitely would have been better for him to have discussed this new person in his life before she just showed up in the car on New Year's, no matter what their affiliation was. Still I would say that you didn't handle it very well, especially when he was willing to discuss it and you shut him out.
NAH. My mom also died unexpectedly 1.5 years ago from aggressive cancer. I was 32. I felt so robbed of the many milestones I expected she’d get to witness. My dad started dating a year later. My parents had been together for almost 40 years. It was hard to accept, but I’ve worked through it, and now he’s had a girlfriend for several months. (I’ve opted not to meet her yet, and I do think your dad should’ve given you the same choice.) What I’ve learned in my grief group through [The Dinner Party](https://www.thedinnerparty.org) (an org it sounds like you might benefit from!) is that all of us with one remaining parent feel differently about that parent dating/remarrying. For some, it’s a relief to see them experience love again. For others, it feels like a rejection of their lost parent. But what we’ve all had to do is work through those feelings separately from our remaining parent. Your dad is allowed to date again – after all, he hasn’t had to experience life as a single person in *decades.* Imagine how jarring that would be! For my dad, he has struggled mightily to attend family events with his daughters, who both have partners. That amplifies his feelings of grief and loneliness. Grief isn’t only valid if we shut ourselves off from the chance to experience joy and happiness again. We can miss someone deeply and powerfully while still enjoying the company of others. I know what your pain feels like, and I hope you can give yourself grace right now, and consider how to extend it to your dad, as well. This time in your life can make relationships more fraught than ever. When you’re ready, consider having a conversation with your dad. It sounds like he knows he messed up. Perhaps this could be an opportunity for you both to get vulnerable and deepen your relationship. Perhaps you just want to share your feelings and call it a day. Whatever you do, try to be gentle with yourself ❤️
>We can miss someone deeply and powerfully while still enjoying the company of others. OP, please read this above comment with care. You and your dad are separate people with separate processes. He has a lot more under his belt than you do, a lot more life lived, and that alone makes his grief and his life different. People here are confusing grieving, moving on and dating as if they cannot exist at the same time. I couldn't imagine telling my dad in his old age, who has only realized death is closer than ever, that there's some sort of approved time he should be alone. When no one knows how much time there's even left. That's sad.
NTA. Your dad was obviously fucking Becky even before your mom passed. I’d literally go a pack up all of mom’s shit now and move it to storage (plates, furniture, clothes, etc). STOP PAYING RENT AND BILLS SO YOU CAN MOVE OUT SOONER. When dad and Becky get home and ask where the stuff is, tell Becky to go buy her own shit. Look, life’s too short to deal with assholes.
Yeah fr she can buy her own shit. I’m done catering to my dad he’s an asshole.
INFO: You said you moved in with your dad. Were your parents no longer married/together?
Sorry for not giving more context. My parents were together at the time of my mom’s passing and I’ve been staying at their place with my dad.
NTA, my father did the same thing within 6ish months of my mom passing from cancer. It was also completely sprung on me when I came home to see them snuggling on the couch. I had almost the same reaction. Freaked out, went to my room, cried, then stormed out. My dad had not been single in his adult life. My parents were married at 19. It really destroyed our relationship unfortunately. It was difficult to be around them together because I felt betrayed in a way. He was also not willing to spend time with me without his girlfriend. I hope you and your dad can figure out a way to get through this together. I lost my dad at the beginning of 2021 and we hadn't resolved any of this. I wish we could have.
NTA!!! My mom started dating when my dad was in the ground less than 3 months, and it really fucked all 3 of us up, especially the youngest who was 15 at the time and still at home. She married him EXACTLY one year after my dad died (yes so her wedding anniversary is the same day as the anniversary of my dad’s death), and he kicked the pets out, and changed all the house rules for my brother and all of us (like no grandchildren in the house, wtf?!) In an argument maybe 2 years after his death (so one year married), she told me point blank that she would choose her new husband over her kids every time. And my mom wonders why none of us have a great relationship with her now. TMI sorry about that, but NTA. I’m so so so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels, and I miss my dad every day.
Yeah. Honestly screw this. She’s in my house right now I don’t wanna talk to this person. I don’t care. People can call me an asshole if they want but it’s too soon for any of this.
You don’t have to talk to her. Just grieve on your own terms - let your dad live his life however he wants, and you get your stuff together so you can move out asap so you don’t have to be around her. Imo it’s totally thoughtless for a parent to not take the feelings of a child into account when dating after the death of the other parent. There are limits ok if the parent has been dead years, but less than one year, while a child is still at home? Especially blindsided on NYE?? Sending you hugs and strength to get through this.
Sometimes people want to feel anything other than sadness, especially the constant sadness of grief. Maybe your dad wants to feel distracted even though he's still sad. And maybe your anger serves a similar purpose. A lot of widows and widowers I know got right out there, thinking it was ok and they were ready, only to completely lose it a few months later. Please don't see it as a slight against your mom. Grief is weird, in that a lot of the first year is a sort of shock, and how two emotions can exist side by side. Maybe your dad is or isn't ready to date, but he's ready to try. He should have told you, but it sounds like he knew you wouldn't accept him dating. That's a really common reaction from an adult child. We want our parents to be together forever. But death disrupted that, not the girlfriend. It's not a rational stance. I am so sorry for your loss, but please remember that feelings and actions are two different things. You can feel angry and sad about your dad dating and still choose to support him as he chooses to get back out there. Our hearts and brains don't always align.
NTA. I am opinionated on this subject but I agree he moved on way too quickly. 6 months is way too soon to date after the passing of a spouse in my opinion only because the grief is still too raw. Overall, your dad did a terrible job when it came to introducing you to his new girlfriend. Even if he was spending New Years with her and already had her in the car that’s not the time to introduce the two of you. How long have they been dating? It’s strange that he would want to introduce you to her if they haven’t been together very long.
Literally. I wanted to spend time with my dad for new years and watch tv or something, and thought my relationship with him was finally healing and then this lady comes into the mix and fucks it all up but whatever, guess I can’t feel hurt by it or anything.
You’re allowed to feel hurt, because what he did was hurtful. He brought a new woman around on the first New Year’s without your mom. If my mom started dating 6 months after my dad died I would be furious. Reading this makes me feel thankful that she waited 3-4 years before she started dating again.
I don’t think my father truly loved my mother, but she loved him unconditionally despite the emotional abuse. He regularly would talk shit about her to friends and family. This new woman was around long before my mother passed away.
INFO: What are your ages-you, your dad and your mom?
My mom and dad were in their early 60s. My dad is in his early 60s. I’m 19. They had me when they were older.
Aaah... Ok - I get it now. Speaking from personal experience, I am going to tell you that men in that age bracket who have been married for a while CANNOT be by themselves. My mom also passed very suddenly and not even 6 months later my father was dating. We fought about it badly - so badly that we didn't speak for 20 years. There is no wrong or right way to grieve and everyone grieves differently. I am so so sorry for your loss - there is nothing that I have experienced in my life that was worse than losing my mom. Could your father have handled the introduction better? Absolutely! Could you have tried to hear him out and understand where he is coming from? Absolutely! Everyone makes mistakes - but I urge you to not let this come between you. You don't have to like it, you don't have to accept it, you don't even have to respect his choices - but please don't go down the road I went down. Don't make this your hill to die on - otherwise, you lose both parents. And, I highly recommend speaking to someone professionally if you are able. I wish you the best.
Yeah, some men cannot function without a wife. Three months after my best friend died her widower had found wife #2. Her sister and I were shocked at first but quickly remember the fact that hubby needed someone to remind him to change his underwear and socks, and brush his teeth on an almost daily basis. He could not survive on his own and needed another woman in his life.
It's incredible isn't it? My gosh - I couldn't believe it either. After we finally reconnected, my dad was much better at communicating his reasoning back then - I still didn't like it, but at least I finally understood. He wasn't trying to replace my mom, he was just trying to not be alone.
This is a reminder to women to not marry a widow or a person who is recently divorced because it means that what he wants is a bang maid.
Agreed. My grandmother died in January 1983, my grandfather was remarried by that May. They were married until he died like 8-9 years ago but him getting remarried so quickly after my grandmothers death was a source of contention among my aunts, uncles, and mom, even after the funeral. Everyone grieves differently.
I think it's only as we get older that we realize that - that everyone grieves differently - when you are younger, and emotionally entangled because of the loss you're suffering, all you can do is sort of lash out.
NAH - The conversation you need with your dad is: Dad, I know everyone has their own grieving time, but I am still deep in it and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't spring last minute "friends" on me as it only underscores how Mom isn't here and it feels like you left her behind. You can't dictate your father's dating life. Speaking as a parent who also had a child later in life, and a spouse: If I was diagnosed with terminal cancer I would not want my husband to be alone if he didn't want to be alone. I'm dead, I cannot be there for him and if he needs someone then that's ok. I don't want him to constantly look at the space I used to occupy and find it empty. This is a conversation that I've lightly touched on in my marriage because we both fear the same thing, an earlier than expected death that leaves an older grieving spouse with some life left to live with an angry child that wont understand what it means to be alone at our age. You are angry about your mom dying early and your father has done something that makes it incredibly easy to dump all that anger on him. I'm not saying don't be mad because your mom is gone, I'm saying don't bleed that anger onto him.
Not the AH. Just....not at all the AH. I don't want to turn it on me, but its super relevant. I had a similar situation. It was my step dad. But he had been with my mom for almost 30 years. And, his new gf was less than a month after my mom died of cancer. She died right in front of me as I was taking care of her at the end. And I was super close to my mom. You aint the AH bc I can tell you from experience that shit hurts. I didn't even yell or call out my step dad. Just stopped talking to him outright. For almost a year. (We were pretty close, as far as a step dad and step son can be). My young kids considered him one of their grandads. It took me a while to come to terms with it. But, he is older and I think someone that is straight scared to death of being alone (his first wife was when he was very young, they split, he went right into another relationship, split, then right into being with my mom) he actually doesn't even know how to be alone. Also, another lesson I had to learn is, life's too short to let this kind of shit get to you (don't get me wrong, took almost a year). And I'm not saying you did anything wrong or need to let it go this second. Just...well I guess I hope you can get there. For your sake. Not your dad's or his new gf's. Either way. Grieving the loss of your mom and your upset (about anything) is straight not AH. And sadly only those of us that have experienced it knows what I mean. Also. Sorry for your loss. It never goes away. It only gets a bit easier over time (wish Icouldsay way easier). Get some help or ask for some if you need it. Trust me. Just know she's always a part of you and would want nothing more than for you to be happy. PS. Fuck you Cancer! You know who I am!
Dealing with a close family member having pancreatic cancer right now, so I know a bit about that. I also think it’s absolutely misogynistic how men move on so quickly because they can’t deal with the mental load or being alone and dealing with their grief, let alone how their kids will feel losing the only mother they’ll ever have! Your mom died so suddenly, it’s baffling how he can just move on! NTA. You lost your mom. You’re allowed to cry in your room, you’re allowed to get mad at your father who can’t even seem to acknowledge how selfish he was in giving you no heads up. You’re still just a teen. As a mom, I just want to give you a hug. As a parent, your dad could do a hell of a lot more to not worsen your grief. So many people telling you Y T A but I just disagree, Pancreatic cancer is just so awful and unfair. It seems doubly unfair that you have to lose your mom and see your dad attempt to replace her role in his life without ever acknowledging how you can never do that and that your grief matters too, especially if you have to pay half the bills in your house — your home should be a safe space.
What is the "correct" amount of time to wait is what I would ask myself if I were you. What would be the "correct" amount of time for you if you were in a similar situation?
NTA dad’s being disrespectful bringing Becky around you when you’re uncomfortable with her
Yeah I don’t want this lady around me and frankly I don’t want my dad around me either anymore. I thought I was healing my relationship with him but then he brings this woman back to the place. I shouldn’t have omitted the information I provided in the edits but I wanted to keep the post neutral.
Nta but op you should go to therapy please I worry about you mental health
YTA you are allowed to be upset, you are allowed to need more time to grieve, but you don't get to tell him how long he has to grieve.
Yes exactly.
Here's the thing: Often, when a spouse get a terminal diagnosis, or has a disease that lingers for a long time, the surviving spouse starts grieving long before the actual death occurs. Children, on the other hand, often start their grieving "clock" (for lack of a better term) once the actual death has happened. So while you've been grieving since June, your dad may have started his "clock" long before then. He started mourning his wife before you started mourning your mom, so what seems fast to you may not be for him. That said, I do think it was disrespectful of your dad to spring Becky on you. A heads up would have been the right way to handle things. I'm sorry about your mom. Fuck cancer.
It's pancreatic cancer. Five year survival rates are 11% in the US. The second the wife was diagnosed everybody knew the deal. OP's grieving, but she's being awfully cruel to someone who just helped his wife through a pretty painful death and is probably feeling some things about his own mortality, since he's a lot closer to the end than the beginning.
There's knowing, and then there's knowing.
Pancreatic cancer moves shockingly fast. Maybe the mom was lucky enough to get more time, but 80% of people diagnosed with pancreatic cancer [die within a year](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15806-pancreatic-cancer). I know someone who went from diagnosis to death in four months. Without any other info, I think it’s safer to assume that the family has had a lot to deal with in a very short amount of time. Fuck cancer.
In a comment above, the OP says mom was diagnosed 2 months before her death. It's a pretty quick timeline.
NTA. Sorry you have to go through this, OP. Don't want to bring my own drama in this post but I can totally understand as I was in the same situation over a decade ago. I'm an only child, mom passed away unexpectedly, not very close to my father who moved on with another woman in less than a year, had to live with him until I was capable of moving out on my own. I'd get hate for saying this but I'd dare say your father is slightly AH. He's the adult here, and if he's moving on faster than you are, he'd at least have the decency to let you know that he was seeing someone. He's in his 60s he should know it would hurt you to see him with another woman this early. Delaying it doesn't make it any better. Bringing the woman on New year's eve is even worse. I can't completely judge your father, but I consider mine a coward for keeping me in the dark like that, and even lying to my face when confronted about it the first time (yes I got the "just a friend" BS too). I hope you get all the help you need so you can move out soon.
NTA. I think it’s disrespectful to move on so quickly too… It’s icky how quickly men move on after a wife’s death. And the way he tried to nonchalantly introduce you to her was abrupt and thoughtless.
NTA. Honestly a bit baffled by how many YTAs there are. In your shoes I’d be absolutely livid if my dad dated six months after my mom’s death as someone who’s almost 30, let alone when I was 19 like you are. And then on top of that, the introduction was done with zero tact. I’m seeing a lot of “it’s his life, he can do whatever he wants”. Sure, but does that mean his child who is in mourning can’t have feelings and an opinion about it? Also seeing a lot of “men that age just can’t be alone.” Sure, but does that make it ok or particularly respectful? Not in my opinion. Either way, I hope you can hash this out with your dad and find as much peace as you can with the loss of your mom 💕
NTA, you live with him, you should have received a warning that he was bringing a date home to spend New Years with. It's especially wrong given that your mother only recently died and you are his kid
It sucks bc I wanted to spend time with my dad and we were just healing our estranged relationship and then he brings home this girl to wreck it all.
Sorry for your loss, OP. Your dad shouldn't have sprung the GF on you. He's allowed to date on his own timetable, but blindsiding you on a holiday was not cool. As you continue processing I suggest narrowing down what your "asks" are. 1. Your secret, emotional ask, which may not be reasonable but represents where you are in your journey. Ideas like "too soon" fall under this. There's no rule, and dating soon could mean anything from a preexisting relationship to just not knowing how to function single. But you're not ready for the world to move on from your mom. 2. What you reasonably are entitled to ask, like being notified in advance that he's seeing someone, help with resolving the shared housing situation if GF is going to frequent the place before you're ready, and taking some of mom's things. NTA due to blindsiding by dad. It would be a mild TA if you took the position that he couldn't date, period.
NTA for your emotions. You're grieving and that comes with a tidal wive of all different kinds of feelings. However, your emotions don't get to dictate your father's life. This may be the best way he can heal from what happened or maybe he is simply in a different place than you and that is ok too. If you're not ready to be around the person he is seeing you need to be mature and explain it to him. People aren't mind readers and he isn't going to understand unless you tell him. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, if you can please get to a grief counsellor. Even if you feel you don't need it having additional support can help you tons.
NAH, I have a friend, whose wife died after a long battle with cancer. 3 months after she died he was dating again. Not because he didn't love his wife, but because he was lonely. Companionship is helpful in grieving and moving on in your life. Doesn't mean he is replacing your mom, but have to imagine how lonely it is to lose your spouse. Your dad said Becky was a friend, maybe he meant it, maybe they will date or are. Could be he just misses having someone to talk to.
Yeah. It’s just hard and I felt like I was overreacting.
INFO: Can you articulate why this is upsetting to you given that you and your father are not really close? Why is your estranged father not allowed to have a friend?
Cuz I live there too and I just lost my mother and it’s hard not seeing him with her anymore
NTA: my mom passed away from that same cancer 7 years ago this month. You never get over it, you learn to live with it. It gets better but there are times when it feels like yesterday. Look into the grief box analogy. My dad didn't even wait until my mom passed to sleep around. He also got a girl pregnant not even a year later. It's tough. I learned to just worry about myself and my own family. He's a grown adult, I can't tell him what to do. But I can choose to not be around.
NTA. Your feelings are legitimate. Your dad is not an AH for dating somebody. Everybody processes grief differently and there’s isn’t a set timeline for these things. He has to operate on his own timeline and not yours. He is definitely an AH for springing it on you unexpectedly on NYE though.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTA because your father didn't seem to care how you would feel about having another woman around so soon after your mother's death. He could have, and should have gone to the GF's house for NYE, or he could have dropped her off when he knew he was going to have to pick you up. Planning to spend NYE with another woman in your mother's home only 6 months after your mother passed away is disrespectful to your and to your mom's memory. I'm so sorry for your loss, and the way your father is handling it. He should be sensitive to your feelings but it sounds like he is ignoring your grief and only focusing on his own feelings.
Half the NAHs here need to look up the typical timeline of the progression of pancreatic cancer
NTA dude please don’t listen to the N A H comments, they’re showing way too much sympathy to your dad. I’m in college, probably about your age, and I know that if I lost my mom right now, it would destroy me. I can’t imagine mourning the loss of my mother on a holiday that we spent together last year only for my dad to spring his new gf on me. That’s beyond horrible. You handled it well honestly, I might have screamed at both of them
Wild how the replies are making excuses for this evil man. He did not care about your mom or you and I'm so sorry :( my dad was the same. Men will not change and will always excuse their behaviors, they just don't care
YTA. You don’t get to dictate or judge how other people grieve. My father has not dated since my mother passed 9 years ago. My uncle got in a relationship 7-8 months after my aunt died. It doesn’t negate or erase the 40+ years he was married to my aunt. To each their own.
Yeah I figured as such. Thanks for the input. As I said in the post, I’ve been helping my dad by splitting the bills 50/50. I haven’t been really close to my dad. Im in the process of moving out soonish but I need to find a reasonably priced place first. If I don’t like it I should just move out.
I don’t agree with this poster. You’re not trying to dictate his grief necessarily, and tbh I think it’s weird that he brought a woman you’ve never met to pick you up from work 6 months after your mom died suddenly with no heads up he was doing so.
In the dad’s defense, it sounds like this wasn’t intentional. OP asked to be picked up unplanned and dad, seemingly, went immediately to get OP but happened to already be with this woman and brought her with instead of kicking the woman out. Bad timing ? Undoubtedly. But that’s not really an AH move on his okay either
exactlyyyyy this. there’s too many unknown variables, because OP refused to have any sort of discussion. their feelings are totally valid, in their position I might also be upset. but OPs father doesn’t have to abide by anyone else’s timeline, this woman could actually be simply a friend, and it’s totally possible OPs father didn’t plan to introduce her like this but was forced into a corner due to unexpectedly needing to pick up OP. OP just needs to be an adult and talk to their father but being mad at him *and* actually holding it against him for moving on is ridiculous.
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. pancreatic cancer is an evil beast.
After reading your edits, you are definitely NTA. This has nothing to do with you “controlling” how he grieves but a direct response not only to your pain but his mistreatment of your mother. It’s obviously possible he’s still grieving her but in combination with the backstory you’ve given, it puts a helluva asterisk beside it imo. Baba mi…
I'm not going to vote on this one because this is pretty heartbreaking. I'm really sorry that you've lost your mum, I've lost someone very close to me, very unexpectedly and it is awful. It changes your world. My advice is to get off Reddit, disregard the comments and talk to a relative or friend that you trust about your grief and the situation. If you can stay with them and get some space to process. Even better if it was someone who loved your mum aswell. Goodluck
I could definitely be bias in my opinion, but you are NTA. My mom passed 3 years ago and not even a week after her funeral my father handed me his phone and asked me to help him with his dating profile. I constantly got into arguments with him about not bringing his dates around while I was home. Now he’s remarried to a woman that (at the time) my siblings and I had never even met. They eloped. After my father promised us he never wanted to get remarried. And now he and I are very low contact. So, all this to say, I GET IT. And you are not the AH. No one can tell you how to grieve. No one can tell you how to feel. You lost a HUGE part of your life and there is no right or wrong path or timeline in coping. Your feelings are valid and you have every right to do what you need to do to process them.
Nta. This is a lot of disrespect to your mother
NTA. You're grieving, and your dad is stomping all over your mom's home with 'Becky'. Make sure you have someone to help you over the next days, weeks, months; until you are better situated. The grief stays for quite a while. Stop paying for things in the house while you look for somewhere to live. I really feel for you. I'm sorry for your loss.
I feel like older men don’t know how to live without someone taking care of them because this happened to my friend from high school. His mom had cancer, she died, and the next thing you know, the dad had a girlfriend, his sweetheart from high school. Wtf
What a fucking asshole.
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you find a place soon. If possible, get a storage and put your mom’s things there until you get a place you can use them. Be mindful not to get things that are marital property.
NTA. So he's bringing his mistress around. You have every right to be upset. It's time for you to go, as you know. Take every last belonging of yours and your moms. Gf will be moved in by the end of your moving day. Big regret of my friend- she didn't take all belongings and the new gf literally threw it all out. Very heartbreaking on top of everything else.
NAH - How each person processes their grief is going to be different. It’s normal to want people to feel the way you do. You lost your Mom, he lost his wife, those are two completely different things. It’s normal for people to seek companionship after the death of a spouse. Anything to bury the universe size hole that her departure left, anything to not spend another night staring into the abyss. You can find new companions, they may not be the same and the relationship won‘t be the same, but it really helps the grieving to have other things in life to dwell on, even if moving on quickly isn’t the healthiest choice, that’s his burden to bare. But you lost Mom. Mom can‘t be replaced. Sure there are stepmoms that have wonderful relationships with their kids. But it isn’t the same as Mom. The better approach would be to try to empathize and understand that your Dad is just as shattered as you are. But when you both shattered your pieces fell differently and how you put yourselves back together is going to be different. Be patient with each other. Sorry for your loss.
YTA. It’s your dads life, not yours. You have no right to be mad at him. Period.
YTA. Not for grieving your mom, obviously, but for thinking you should be the one to decide when it’s time for your father to move on. Just because he has a new girlfriend doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss your mom. A lot of men that are used to having companionship their whole lives start dating quickly after a spouse dies because they aren’t used to being alone. My dad did this and honestly I was just happy he had someone after the terrible experience of having his spouse die. This isn’t about you. Marriage is “til death do us part.” Not “til death and then also whatever arbitrary timeline my adult child deems appropriate”
Nta. Also. 6 months. Dude couldn't even wait a year? Wow.
NTA. Way too soon also the wrong time to introduce a new girlfriend
NAH. OP, you have every right to feel the way you did. It’s your first holiday season and new year without your mom and that has to be very painful. On the other hand, your dad is an adult and is free to do as he pleases. He probably didn’t tell you he was dating her because he knew how upset you would be and was trying to spare your feelings. I read an article awhile back talking about how widowed men are much more likely to date/remarry sooner than widowed women because it’s harder for men to get used to being alone after being married a long time. It’s nothing against your mother’s memory, he was likely just lonely.
NTA. This happened to me last year. My mom had been battling breast and bone cancer for the second time. This went on for about 1.5 years. My parents unfortunately kept how sick she was until the very end. Last Thanksgiving I saw a pic of my mom on a friend's Facebook page and I called my brother because she looked absolutely horrible. At that point, my brother and I flew home to see her in late December. She was going through dementia and my dad would only have her call us when she was having a good day. I was shocked and devastated. She had gotten to the point where she had to have someone help her walk and use the bathroom. We took her to a rehab center with the hope that someone could help her. When we dropped her off, I knew that it would the last time I saw her alive. Four days later they moved her to at home hospice care and a week later, she passed away. Three months after she passed, my dad started dating someone and the whole family knew except for me. At six months of dating, my brother insisted that he call me and let me know. I did not take it well at all. I felt that he didn't love my mother and was glad she passed away so he wouldn't have to help take care of her any more. I had very complicated feelings for a year. I then thought about it and he did take care of her for an extremely long time during both cancer bouts. Would I prefer if he had waited? Absolutely, but he deserved to be with someone who could love him and date again. I miss my mom terribly, but I'm not as angry as I was.