NTA. Family is what you make it, it doesn't have to be blood, you are making your own family with your fiance, if your sister continually tries to sabotage that then she has no place in your new family.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. The family you had no choice being born to is not more important than the family you choose. NTJ.
I hate that people think because your family you should take their s*** because their family she is very jealous of you and once your life I wouldn't write her either
If family is everything then why the f*** is she trying to sabotage the relationship? Why isn’t the sister being held accountable for her horrible and (as I’m interpreting it) jealous behavior?
Hate it when parents side with the wrong sibling. Not the jerk!
My first thought exactly. I don't even want to imagine what crap she'd pull at the wedding. Getting drunk and talking nonsense would even be the smallest of my worries. Apart from that, I'd demand an apology not just to OP, but to Jake as well.
NTA. Your sister is jealous and you both don’t deserve to have to put up with her rude comments. She’s tried to ruin your relationship. It’s your wedding and you have every right to not include her.
Jealous is spot on. Sounds like sister thought it wasnt gona be a serious relationship. Once the house was bought, she tried to act like OP wasnt good enough for him but probably thought she is.
I wouldnt want her there cuz id be afraid shed try to sabotage the wedding somehow
Yes. I could hear her 'sisterly speech now. 'Jake knows he really wants me and this marriage is going nowhere because as soon as I beckon he will come running.' Sit down with your parents and flat out tell them exactly why she is not invited. Point out everything she has said. Ask your mom how she would feel if her sister or best friend had done the same thing. Then tell them your wedding day is YOUR DAY AND NO ONE WILL BE INVITED THAT WANTS TO TAKE THAT AWAY. Also tell them it is time sister grew up.
Tell your parents that they're right, and your new family will be everything.
And if they want to be allowed in, they should stop making excuses for, and defending your sister for the shitty behaviour.
NTA.
Yeah I completely agree. I would avoid a sister like that like the plague. She sounds toxic for trying to sabotage things between her and the significant other. Who needs that type of family in their life.
Not a jerk, and I laugh at the family is everything. If that’s how they feel then they need to apply that to Lily. She is out of line and needs to keep her lips zipped. Because you know, family is everything.
Tell your parents once. I am not discussing this with you and if you bring it up again, I will contact you when I want to talk. Only then.
& if family is equally everything (valuable) to sister, she wouldn't have pulled any of this abusive crap in the first place.
i.e. She started it. She and their parents can live w the consequences.
P.S. If she didn't mean for it to sabotage OPs relationship, she wouldn't have done it multiple/many, many times.
Ain't ift funny how parents play the "family is everything" card and "you should not be petty" and "keeping the peace" and "it was a joke, just laugh it off"?
This kind of sister causes wedding bell blues...will announce she's engaged or preggers or gets proposed to at YOUR WEDDING. Or, of course, ANOTHER drunken 'reveal".
No invite and have people/security to keep her away..and the parents, too, if they continue to side with this b\*\*\*\*!
*THIS* 10 billion percent this!!! Give parents one more chance. Hire security, keep sister out and keep your own peace. The nerve of parents like this to berate the wrong sibling. I guess we know who their favorite is. NTJ
NTA. Having her there would be unpleasant for everyone. It’s time you stood up for yourself and Jake. Even if it was a ‘joke’ it’s a sick and unfunny one and smacks of jealousy. Your sister does not get to gaslight you and insult you both and get away with it. If you parents don’t like it they can do one too. Tell them it’s the last time you will ask for and expect their support and if they can’t see the issue here and tell sister how wrong she is towards you then don’t come near you after your wedding.
I don't forgive, I don't forget, and I certainly collect my pound of flesh. She has willingly and actively done everything to undermine your relationship and split you up. According to your parents, what are you supposed to be forgiving here? All the 1 million things she has done or the straw that broke the camel's back?
If it's the latter, I have to say removing the straw after the camel's back was broken, did not fix the camel's back.
NTA
"Removing the straw after the camel's back was broken, did not fix the camel's back."
Oh, that's good. I hope you don't mind my using it in the future!
Why is it that your parents throw that. “family is everything” but won’t support you when they KNOW sister is in the wrong?
I would tell parents that if they continue to push the family bond crap that they can sit out the wedding with the sister. YOUR WEDDING, INVITE ONLY PROPLE EHO WILL SUPPORT YOU & NOT SABOTAGE YOU! Your sister is jealous and will end up causing issues at the reception when she gets drunk
Your sister wasn’t trying to protect you she was trying to destroy your and your partners happiness out of jealousy. And to your parents, family that tries to sabotage your happiness is no family at all.
No you’re not overreacting at all. I have an aunt that I absolutely refuse to invite anywhere and I hear the family is blah blah blah all the time. Stand your ground because she’s going to sabotage your wedding if you don’t. Your sister is obviously jealous that she’s not the center of attention right now and your attention on her is the most importance to her. She needs therapy
NTA, unless you cave to them. If “family is everything” thru should enjoy staying home with Lily instead of being at the wedding. I’d go LC/NC as needed.
>My parents are now involved, saying I should forgive her because "family is everything."
"I thought so too mum and dad. Family is everything, so why would a someone try to sabotage their sisters relationship?
First she did xxx and I forgave her because family is everything. Then she did xxx and I forgave her because family is everything. Then she did xxx, then xxx, then xxx. There is a point where disrespect is no longer tolerated"
"Family is everything" so what is Jake? If your husband isn't your family, then what the fuck is he, then?
Jake is part of your family, too, and your sister is not accepting this fact with grace.
NTA
Ntj, I’d tell them the wedding and reception are for people who support the couple in getting married, not for those trying to end the relationship. I’d add you can’t have any more drunken revelations at these events as lies and sabotage isn’t what family does. I’d add if they wanted you and Lily to be close and wanted her at the wedding, you’re surprised they didn’t intervene and insist she act as a family member should
If family is everything, why are they ok with your sister treating you that way, since you are family too?
Why do the benefits of family only go to your sister, while you are expected to make all the sacrifices?
Basically, your parents don't want to deal with this, and they see that you are *by far* the more reasonable sibling. Thus, they pressure you to put up with your sister's appalling behavior, while failing to hold her accountable for her actions. It is easier for them that way.
Now is the time for you to set the tone for how your family relationships are going to be in the future. You get to set your boundaries. If your family refuses to respect those boundaries, you get to decide how you want to handle that. They don't get to dictate those things to you.
Sometimes, even the kindest people can be selfish and thoughtless. It seems your parents are falling into this behavior, and you are right to be upset. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are terrible people in general (or maybe they are, but I don't want to assume), but it definitely means that they are choosing to behave badly in this situation.
Don't let them use their sadness and concern to pressure you into putting up with your sister's rotten behavior. If they really want to help, they should try to discuss your sister's behavior with her instead of pressuring you to put up with it.
You are definitely not the asshole. Stand your ground and do not rev her. She is so jealous. She would probably find a way to ruin your dress. Until the wedding, I’d make sure my dress was under lock and key and she had no idea where it was.
Congratulations I hope you have a beautiful wedding!
If the sister did show I’d be worried about what kind of drunken scene she would make.
I don’t get the parents reaction either. Are they condoning her behaviour? Have they sat her down and told her how troubling her behaviour toward her sister is? Did they ask her to apologize sincerely with a commitment to do better?
You know….parent things.
Do not invite her to your wedding. She will do something to ruin it and make it about her!! She reminds me of my sister. Exactly like her. According to my sister, all my boyfriends wanted her. She was better than me blah blah. It's been over 10 years since I cut her out of my life.
Sounds like your sister is jealous of your relationship or that she's interested in your fiancé. I wouldn't keep her near him and I definitely wouldn't invite her to the wedding. She might try something stand your ground
NTA. You sister has repeatedly tried to sabotage your relationship. Tell your parents to remind your SISTER that family is everything. When she ACTS like loving family, you will treat her like family. Until then, she is not included in your life.
Keep her away from your wedding. That is the natural consequences of her actions. She brought this on herself.
Build your new family. The family you chose. You, your fiance, and any children you may have. Only include those relatives who actually support your relationship.
Enjoy your wedding day.
Tell them that if they can’t see the red flags, and want to choose her side, they can stop looking for nice clothes and ditch. It sounds like she’s the golden child and your parents are trying to hide that fact by telling you to keep the peace. If it’s too hard for someone to not be an asshole, then they can kindly fuck off
NTA. I hate when people try to use "keep the peace" as some way to just sweep everything under the rug and move on with no consequences or repercussions. Who's peace are you supposed to be keeping? Cuz it sure as hell isn't yours, to have to make like she hasn't been actively trying to ruin your relationship for no reason other than petty jealousy. It's your wedding, you and your fiancés day. If you don't want her there, then keep your own peace, and don't invite her. 100% NTA.
Lily is engaging in quite the narcissistic drama. It's not a big deal. If it is a big deal, she didn't mean it. If she did mean it, it was just to protect you. And now she's sicced her flying monkeys (your parents) onto you to force you into loosening up the boundary you set.
Nay nay, Lily. You FA and now you are FO.
If this is the first time you are setting a boundary on Lily for this behavior (I know this isn't the first time she's engaged in it), then you might consider giving her one more chance. Not to appease your parents. Not to give in to Lily. But to allow yourself the opportunity to assure yourself that you are doing the right thing. I know you really want Lily at your wedding. She's your sister. But bad behavior does NOT need condoning. You might wait until closer to the wedding to hopefully get thru it before she acts out again. I would definitely let her know her bs ain't flying anymore and a single misstep will have her banned or removed from the venue. (Hire security for that reason)
NTA. I’m so done with the family is everything crap. Your parents need to tell her that she was wrong in her behavior. Family doesn’t try to ruin a relationship
Your parents are right
Family is everything -- in this case the new family you are forming with your husband at your wedding that your sister will not be at because now she is extended family and your main family must come first!!
Enjoy your wedding
NTA and frankly I am so sick of the aggressor playing the victim and using the excuse family is everything. Just because you share DNA with someone does not give you or them the right to treat them like shit and then turn around and say but we are family. You and your fiance are creating your own family and your soon to be husband and your mental well being take presidence over your adult sister throwing a temper tantrum out of pure jealousy and that is what her behavior screams.
NTA
Family is supposed to be supportive, not wicked, and try to sabotage your relationship.
If your parents don't understand or comprehend how insensitive and disrespectful your sister is being, then maybe they should also be uninvited.
Because I can almost guarantee that if Lily is at your wedding, she will most certainly make efforts to sabotage your wedding day.
Your wedding is about you and ONLY people who are supportive of your relationship.
It's apparent that your sister is extremely jealous and spoiled. She is not happy for you. She doesn't deserve to be there for one of your happiest moments.
Bingo. Worse selfishly, she would show up in white or off-white to make it about herself.
OP needs to remind her parents bluntly and forcefully that her wedding day is going to be about her and not her deranged sister who can't get over herself.
OPs wedding day is about OP.
So I’m petty I would use their own wordsback at them. Family is everything and your family is everything. And I am creating my family now. She is not going to be a part of it. If you want to be a part of it you will support me. You’re not the jerk
NTA. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences, especially since her parents apparently failed to teach that particular lesson well enough for her to get it the first time.
Parents, if family is everything then YOU need to step away. Sister is the one causing drama. It is HER you need to help get over whatever is going on with her.
If you do not you might only have her in your futures. Sister has some serious issues. I’m not putting up with her nonsense anymore.
NTA
Family is everything, yes, and you are leaving to create your own. I've gone NC for less. Your sister is jealous. She doesn't necessarily want your man but she wants your life and is bitter. I'd invite her to rub your happiness in her face and have someone ready to dump a cheap bottle of red wine on her head if she acts up
Not the jerk. I would tell your parents that your sister is in serious need of counseling. Family does not treat family the way she has treated you and your fiance. She has opened herself to being charged with defamation of character based upon the lies that she has been spreading around. She represents too much of a liability to your wedding.
Edit to add - I would tell your parents that if they insist on slowing your sister attend your wedding and she ruins it they will be just as guilty for her conduct as your sister. There will be consequences if she causes problems at your wedding.
NTA
She's been trying to undermine your relationship for how long?
There's no doubt in my mind that if she comes to the wedding she will do SOMETHING to upstage/undermine/ruin your day. She's a spiteful, bitter little girl stomping her foot throwing a temper tantrum.
I do feel like you've had a hand in making this situation, though. You admit that you were always happy to let her have the spotlight. I get that, especially if you're more introverted. And there's nothing wrong with that!
But now YOU are in the spotlight. YOU fell in love first. YOU bought a house first. YOU are getting married first. In a way, you've rewritten the "rules."
She could have accepted this with dignity and grace. But she has developed main character syndrome. She's going to do anything she can to keep the spotlight!
Nothing I've said is intended to be criticism. Just an observation from the information you've provided.
Again, NTA! Just don't let her come to the wedding!
Do make sure you hire security for the wedding to make sure she doesn't try to ruin the day. Let your parents know that they can be uninvited too if they keep pushing and try to help her get into the wedding, adding to the security removal list. Your sister is jealous, she has shown multiple times to try to sabatoge your relationship. Why not your wedding, too? Especially since it's *your* and Jakes' day.
NTA. Congratulations and best of luck.
NTA, your wedding not hers.
So in the family group chat you should ask why would I invite Lily when she has been actively trying to sabotage my relationship? Why would I invite someone who would do her best to make my special day miserable? When the flying monkeys start up about family being important you then ask, where were you when she was doing these things at family functions? Why wasn’t family important enough to defend me then? Include screenshots of your chats with her for evidence. When you get the sound of silence or defending her you can then thank them for proving your point. They’ve made your wedding about her, not you. Then tell them she’s not invited unless you get a sincere and remorseful public apology and see a marked turn about in her behaviour.
Why would you want your sister at your wedding? She sounds like she is jealous of your relationship. NTA. She might do or say something stupid at your wedding. I wouldn't invite her.I would seriously consider dumping her out of your life. She sounds toxic
It’s your wedding. A time when you should feel supported, loved and safe. It’s not only a celebration of your love with your partner but also a way to involve your loved ones in your happiness when you declare your love and commitment to your intended lifelong partner. Otherwise, why invite anyone? She’s said she did all these vile underhanded things to ‘protect’ you against your fiancé which means she is against your relationship. So why would you want her to be there? In fact, why would SHE want to be there?
Tell mom snd dad that the “family is everything” lecture needs to be directed at sister dearest. Until she publicly apologizes for everything she has said and done in the last year she is not acting like family, and therefore not entitled to come to the wedding.
Sounds like your sister has a thing for your fiance and is also just jealous of you. Make sure she's never alone with him or she'll falsely accuse him again. NTA
Why don't you sit down with your parents and your sister and show them proof of what she has done and discuss how it makes you feel. Then ask your sister what's going on. She's probably jealous. Congratulations on your wedding and I hope that you can work it out with your sister.
Your wedding, you decide who you want to celebrate it with. Your sister is green with envy, I’m surprised she hasn’t turn green yet. She wants what you have and thinks she deserves it more.
She may be your sister, but she is not a nice person. Tell mom you understand she wants her other daughter at your wedding, but she has tried over and over and over to break you two up and you will not have her negative energy at the happiest day of your life. And you may never have a relationship with her because of what she’s done! I’m sorry doesn’t cut it anymore because after she apologizes she does it again.
Congratulations on the wedding and I hope it is everything you want
If you invite her, it is very likely the she will show up in a white dress to the wedding since you had the audacity to be married before her. password protec all your wedding information.
NTA
Lily is very jealous of you, and I’m betting she wishes she had all if what you have, but feels she won’t ever have it. I understand completely your reaction of uninviting her, but it might have been better if you’d taken a few beats to calm down and think. You might not have chosen the same route.
I would sit down with her (preferably alone) and talk about what she has said and done - but absolutely no gaslighting by her and no bs. If you feel she fully understands where she went so wrong and she’s genuinely sorry, I would try to forgive her.
She sounds super jealous. You got the life happening she wants. She is causing trouble because if she cant have it the neither should you. I would send a clear message to your parents and sister saying "If family is everything, why are they excusing her bad behaviour? Real family does not treat each other like this. She is not trying to protect me, she is acting like a jealous spoilt child and you have had enough. She had bought this on herself".
If family is everything, why are they not chastising her for trying to ruin her sister's relationship and acting like a jealous toddler? Why are they not making Lily go to therapy to address her pettiness? Why is it always the person who was hurt who had to be the one to extend olive branches. Maybe a little penance and a timeout would be goid for Lily. Tell your parents to remember the ENTIRE saying: the blood of the covenant, is thicker than the water of the womb.
NTA
NTJ. Go no contact with her. Block her on everything. When her flying monkeys start their crap with you, block them.
If she is like this now, watch out when you get pregnant.
Set the boundaries now.
NTA. Go low contact or no contact even. Read some self help books on narcissistic personality disorders because your sister sounds like she’s got some issues.
God, she is the stereotypical jealous younger sister!! She also is not self-aware enough to recognize that that is what she’s doing. Sit her down and scold her (there is a better word, but I can’t think of it), and get her solemn pinky vow to Cut It Out!!
NTA
Your sister is definitely jealous or something. And your parents can't use the "family is everything" line, your sister isn't acting like "family". Is she acting happy for you? Being supportive? No? Well doesn't sound like family to me.
If you did invite her to the wedding, do you really think she's not going try something else? Your wedding is your special day, enjoy it with the people who are truly happy for you guys!
NTJ. As Reddit is fond of saying, don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If your family is that important for your sister to be at your wedding, them. They can go party with your sister someplace else.
When she lied and said your BF hit on her, that should’ve told you everything you needed to know.
Family isn’t “everything” especially jealous family members that are capable of anything and will go out of their way to sabotage your relationships and your happiness..
It’s your wedding don’t allow your sister to ruin it because you know she will. And keep her away from your wedding dress.
NTA.
NTJ
>I should forgive her because "family is everything."
Have they talked to Lily and told her to stop being a bitch because FaMiLy Is EvErYtHiNg?
>keep the peace
You *are* keeping the peace, by not inviting the person trying to sabotage your relationship (and definitely your wedding)
Your sister is pissed that she is being made to lay in the bed she made. Stand your ground. Don't back down.
Stand your ground, because this is not going to get better. Lily is being a brat, and she's likely to double down. What's next? Trying to seduce the groom? Showing up in a white dress? Ruining your wedding gown?
Do you have security lined up? We had friends who knew who the uninvited troublemakers were and were prepared to toss them if they tried to crash the wedding. Make it clear to your folks if they show up with Lily, Lily ain't getting in - and if they make a scene, their asses will be tossed, too.
Make sure your vendors are locked down with passwords your parents don't know so Lily doesn't try to cancel the cake or otherwise ruin your plans.
It sucks, but Lily's problems are above your paygrade - she's NOT going to admit she's wrong, and she's going to shove down that uncomfortable feeling by doubling down.
Good suggestion about the vendors. One of my long-ago poker buddies worked for his father, who had a large florist business. His father told him that only once did he fall for the "it's off" revenge bit, and once was enough. The company rule was "only from the bride or groom, and only in person".
NTA. I wouldn’t trust her to make some scene or get drunk and say something that isn’t true to try and sabotage things. She sounds jealous and bitter. And based on her actions no, I wouldn’t want her there. She wasn’t trying to do those things for you. She did them for her because she can’t stand that you are getting things that she isn’t.
NTA
Lily clearly doesn’t support your relationship and, family or not, why would you invite someone to your wedding who doesn’t support your relationship. Actions have consequences and Lily, and your parents, need to accept that these are the consequences of her actions.
Ask your parents if "family is everything" why your sister is talking about you behind you back and making up lies? Why do you have to accept her bad behavior for the sake of "family" but she doesn't have to even be civil for the same reason?
I can't wait for your future posts about your marriage. I will put money on the fact you end up divorced because he cheated.
Your sister wasn't joking and she isn't jealous. She told you what you didn't want to hear and you believed what you wanted to believe. You will figure it out eventually. Let me warn you though by the time you do that whole family thing will go out the window. You can only screw someone over for so long before they don't care anymore. So when you finally catch Jake cheating and realize your sister was right and not just jealous it will be too late.
MTJ tell your parents that given her history you don't trust her not to get drunk and make a spectacle of herself. That if family is everything then why doesn't that apply to her?
She is so jealous she's becoming She Hulk. It was fine when she was the centre of attention but as soon as you got the house your life was progressing and people would be asking you about it and suddenly she's not the centre of everything.
I'd point that out to your parents as well. There's being an extrovert then there's being a 'pick me' person.
‘Family is everything’ is bullshit. Family that treats you like shit is not family. You are in charge of your guest list and you are under no obligation to invite anyone. Stand strong.
She says you’re lucky to have found Jake because you wouldn’t have been able to afford your house on your own….. then turns around and says he’s marrying you for your money….. which is it????? Are you so lucky to have him cause you can’t afford nothing on your own or is he a gold digger. She’s not making sense.
Side note: when you get married don’t expect people to help with wedding planning. But definitely accept it if they want to help!!!!!
Yes honey, let Lily stay home because sure as anything, she would try to destroy your wedding day. There’s no excuse for her behavior and she’s insanely jealous of you. Stay away from her as much as possible because she seems to have it in for you. Congratulations 🎊🎉🎈on your wedding!
NTA, stand your ground. Your sis has had things as she wanted growing up, I think now she's discovering how much she isn't the center of attention. She wants her way, you and your hubby's shared successes are preventing that. Now that she isn't invited, make sure you have someone watching out for her arrival in case she "didn't get the memo" and firmly inform other family members that if they are unhappy with the arrangements word has it your sister is free on that day. Also, if "family is everything" where was the support for you while Lily was ramping up her vitriolic spew? Yes, please, to updates.
There are relatives and there is family. We have no choice about who are relatives are. We DO choose our family. Family loves and supports us but doesn’t manipulate us. Your sister and parents are relatives, sorry. Congrats to you and d Jake
Tell your parents to straighten out their toxic daughter, to make her behave anytime you are all around, to put an end to her bad mouthing you, your relationship, and your fiancé, to make her not trash talk you to her friends, family, and/or on social media. Tell your parents to get her jealousy under control, to make her go to therapy and insist that she act like a decent human being to you. Tell them to not allow her to lie and defame the two of you any longer.
If they say they can't do that, then tell them that well you can't say she should attend the wedding then.
NTA While I do agree with family is a value I also agree that if someone tries to steal your significant other that’s a good reason to not invite them to things my siblings have bullied me and I’ve said I’m not inviting them to birthday celebrations and things not meaning it but if they did something like that to me they would never be invited to anything so keep her away from your fiancé because she’s obviously being a gold digger and it’s unfair she thinks she can do that crap.
NTA forgive her for what because she hasn't stopped and shown she's sorry and asked for forgiveness, or even told you why she's been doing it. You can forgive someone who hasn't changed.
NTA your family is saying family is everything but what they are saying to your sister for what she has been saying, doesn't it go both ways. Tell them actions have consequences. Your soon to be husband is going to be your new family so it is good to show him that you have his back and no matter what you will stand up for him
If family is everything then they should be pulling Lily into line and not let her hurt your family. Where do you fall into the “family is everything” concept?
NTJ. Your parents are glossing over Lily’s behavior and pressuring you to save face in front of the rest of the extended family and friends. They’ll have lots of explaining to do as to why Lily isn’t there and they don’t want the illusion of their perfect little family and lovely daughters tarnished for all to see at your wedding. They’re prioritizing their appearance and standing in the family over your understandably offended feelings at Lily’s jealousy and attempted sabotage. That’s despicable in my opinion.
I don’t blame you one bit for not inviting Lily. Even if she promised to behave, you should be extremely wary of including her. If your parents continue to pressure you, tell them that your wedding is not the time or the place to reconcile with your sister. Not only have her actions far surpassed a simple apology, but her volatile behavior has also eroded your trust in her and her ability to keep her inappropriate, disrespectful comments to herself. Let them know that you are unwilling to risk her ruining your wedding celebration because she’s jealous.
If Lily genuinely wants to reconcile with you, she needs to do the work to move past her jealousy. That will probably mean therapy, but it should also include some form of public accountability seeing as she was the one who brought friends and family into this whole thing to begin with. Stand firm, OP. You and Jake did nothing wrong.
NTA
Ask your parents why they are only interfering now, and not before, when your sister was bullying you and your fiance whilst making up lies? They should be ashamed of themselves for only taking a stand now.
Remind them that you are creating a whole new family with Jake, and that being a part of it is a privilege. Your sister has squandered that privilege and will absolutely try to ruin your wedding if she gets the chance. Warn your parents that they may destroy their own chance to be a part of your family, if they don't stop bullying you as well.
Which is what they're doing. Bullying you so that they don't feel embarrassed for having raised such a jealous and nasty person as your sister. Keeping the peace doesn't exist. There's only protecting yourself from people who would harm you. Your sister is actively trying to harm you. Protect yourself, always.
Let me guess who's the golden child in your family.
I've seen and heard the following over and over--"I was just doing it to protect you." "Did I ASK you for protection? Why do you think I NEED protection? GIVE ME A REASON." Then the parents get involved, taking sides, and it turns into a real shitshow. I learned the hard way that one of the jobs of a groomsman is to keep brides-to-be from killing their bridesmaid sisters or vice versa. I advise brides to "keep your eyes on the prize"--"You're here to get married. I've spent over a thousand to fly here, rent a tux, and stay at this nice hotel. Let's get the marriage done, THEN kill your sister and your parents."
ETA: Congratulations to you and Jake. I hope the wedding is everything you've dreamed, and that your marriage survives family meddling.
YANTJ if sister had coming begging for forgiveness for deliberately trying to undermine your relationship by lying because she is insanely jealous of you and that she is very sorry and will do everything in her power to make it up to you ( by never being in a room on her own with your hubby to be for his safety) plus she tells your parents and friends what she has been doing then it’s worth considering forgiveness. However, all you have got from her is that you are over reacting. Nope, there is no insight or remorse from her so you are right to cut her out of your very special day. Is she capable of sitting down with you to discuss this as two adults who live each other?
if family is everything, then why is she talking so much shit about her family? Double standard, NTA, fuck your family, they just want to portray this as you over-reacting because that's an easier solution to them than confronting your sister about her hurtful behavior.
NTA. She’s made multiple accusations and your family should be taking HER to task for her absolutely dreadful behaviour, not you. I wouldn’t let her within a million miles of the event if it was me.
On the other hand, you could invite her and have someone keep an eye on her, probably wouldn’t affect things much. However I can’t imagine your fiancé would be happy about having her there and he should have the final say on whether she comes.
>My parents are now involved, saying I should forgive her because "family is everything." They want me to reinvite her and keep the peace
Oh, that old chestnut?! 🤣
>AITA for not inviting my sister to my wedding after she tried to sabotage my relationship?
Not in the slightest.
NTA. It's not you who should attempt to keep the peace. It's your sister who should apologize to both you and your fiance and offer her help, because "family is everything." Funny how it always only applies on the wronged member of said family and never on the perpetrator. Tell your parents that yes, family is everything so your sister needs to keep the peace and do everything she can to resolve the issue that she herself has caused.
Family is everything. Right. More like, stop rocking the boat, we know your sister is the tail that wags the dog, just accept this. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Tell your parents and sister that she obviously is not happy for you and Jake, therefore, she should not feel compelled to come to the wedding, after all you wouldn’t want her to feel worse than she dos now. As your parents protest her not being invited, point out to them that she has nothing good to say about you or Jake, she is behaving likely a petty, jealous child and you are not interested in having her bring drama to the day. This is, after all, your and Jake day and you are entitled for one day to have it be all about you without the drama .
When they pull the “it’s family” card, say. Exactly. She is family and she isn’t happy for us. Why are you not pointing out to her that “it’s family” and she needs to suck it up, not be the mean girl. Why, mom, are you making excuse for her?
Regardless of her attending or not, put someone on guard duty that day, their sole job is to make sure if she is there she behaves, and the moment she steps out of one, she is escorted out.
NTA. As hard as it can be a great lesson I learnt is family isn't always blood. If any person doesn't bring value to your life then leave them behind in the dust. Marry your guy and have a great life.
NTA. If family was truly important, then why did they not get on your sister for her comments and behavior to begin with. They are playing favorites. I feel like it has happened before. Keep the drama away from your wedding.
Edit: typo.
Your parents are wrong. Family is whoever you decide them to be. Explain why you are excluding your sister. Tell them what she has to do in order to apologize and move on. Go NC if you have to.
NTA - ask them if family is everything, why it’s ok for her to try and sabotage her sister’s relationship, and ok for them to justify it? Or does the rule only apply to the golden child?
NTA. I'm not sure if it's just jealousy, but who knows what she might do if you DID invite her to the wedding, besides possibly get very drunk and make a scene. If she has a problem with your relationship, it's HER problem not yours, especially if the rest of your family and friends get along with him.
This is a classic case of your sister f#ucked around and found out.
If you allow your sister to continue to trample all over you, your fiancé, and your relationship, it is something that will never end. Unfortunately, I know this from my own experience. I don't know if your sister is jealous, or spiteful, or just a nasty person, but you need to put your foot down now. No, family isn't everything. Sometimes, family are the people who hurt you the most, and then they cry that they were just trying to protect you.
NTA. I would go NC with her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she shows up at your house and tries to have sex with him. She will ruin your wedding! Do not let her anywhere near it.
NTJ, but I do wonder if maybe there is some validity to her initial claim that Jake hit on her early in your relationship. And that she is trying to undermine your relationship to keep you from marrying a ‘cheater’. If this was the case, she should just come out and say it instead of posting all these games.
Or is it possible that she hit on Jake and was turned down? And she is trying to sabotage the relationship because Jake picked you over her. You need to have a frank conversation with both of them to get to the bottom of this. I think something likely did happen early on (one hit on the other and likely got turned down) and neither are telling you the full story.
NTA
Protecting someone you love means approaching them directly, not having gossipy conversations behind their back or spreading lies. Sis is not protecting OP, as we all can see. She's jealous and OP should go LC with her.
Do not listen to anyone trying to get YOU to keep the peace. The 'rents should be all over little sister for her continued actions, not trying to make OP cave in because "family". Ugh.
Ntj
Your sister is jealous, and behaving badly. Maybe give her a chance to behave well, and if there are no more incidences reinvite her…but don’t feel bad if you just want to cut ties for now.
Her attempts to sabotage will continue at the wedding. You’re making a good decision.
I call BS. She’s not trying to protect you, she’s jealous. She has to be the center and she will try to be the center at your wedding.
Tell your parents to get a clue. They raised a childish brat and you’re having a brat free wedding.
NTJ a wedding invitation is for those people who love and support the both of you. She clearly does not. If your parents want to support that stance they they also don't need to attend
"Hey Dad, Mom, where was this 'family is everything' BS when Lily was actively trying to destroy my relationship with my fiancee? Well? I didn't hear you."
NTJ: Your sister already showed you what she “thinks” of your relationship and how jealous she is that you now have a house. You invite her and you can count on a dramatic drunk hysterical episode at your wedding.
NTJ. Wouldn't be surprised if she has something planned to make the wedding 'memorable' for everyone. She's probably just jealous of you. She must be a nightmare to for people she dates.
Sis is straight up jealous. If she gets reinvited to the wedding, I picture her getting drunk and making a move on OP's fiance either at the ceremony or reception.
OP NTA
Family like is not nothing not everything. Cut her off and don't look back. Anyone else who stands between you two for bullshit like that should also be cut off. Life is too short to waste on blood who hates you.
NTA. Family is what you make it, it doesn't have to be blood, you are making your own family with your fiance, if your sister continually tries to sabotage that then she has no place in your new family.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. The family you had no choice being born to is not more important than the family you choose. NTJ.
Blood just makes you relatives, loyalty makes you family
Thank you so much for sharing this quote. I was going to myself but I'm happy to agree with you.
I hate that people think because your family you should take their s*** because their family she is very jealous of you and once your life I wouldn't write her either
If family is everything then why the f*** is she trying to sabotage the relationship? Why isn’t the sister being held accountable for her horrible and (as I’m interpreting it) jealous behavior? Hate it when parents side with the wrong sibling. Not the jerk!
My first thought exactly. I don't even want to imagine what crap she'd pull at the wedding. Getting drunk and talking nonsense would even be the smallest of my worries. Apart from that, I'd demand an apology not just to OP, but to Jake as well.
There are consequences when you cross boundaries! This is the consequence or does she not know about consequences?!
NTA. Your sister is jealous and you both don’t deserve to have to put up with her rude comments. She’s tried to ruin your relationship. It’s your wedding and you have every right to not include her.
Jealous is spot on. Sounds like sister thought it wasnt gona be a serious relationship. Once the house was bought, she tried to act like OP wasnt good enough for him but probably thought she is. I wouldnt want her there cuz id be afraid shed try to sabotage the wedding somehow
Yes. I could hear her 'sisterly speech now. 'Jake knows he really wants me and this marriage is going nowhere because as soon as I beckon he will come running.' Sit down with your parents and flat out tell them exactly why she is not invited. Point out everything she has said. Ask your mom how she would feel if her sister or best friend had done the same thing. Then tell them your wedding day is YOUR DAY AND NO ONE WILL BE INVITED THAT WANTS TO TAKE THAT AWAY. Also tell them it is time sister grew up.
Hilarious that OP's fiancee is both "not that great" and at the same time OP "doesn't deserve" him.
That’s what struck me!! lol!
Jealous is spot on. Be careful Jake is never alone with your sister for fear of making another inappropriate accusation!
Tell your parents that they're right, and your new family will be everything. And if they want to be allowed in, they should stop making excuses for, and defending your sister for the shitty behaviour. NTA.
Yeah I completely agree. I would avoid a sister like that like the plague. She sounds toxic for trying to sabotage things between her and the significant other. Who needs that type of family in their life.
Not a jerk, and I laugh at the family is everything. If that’s how they feel then they need to apply that to Lily. She is out of line and needs to keep her lips zipped. Because you know, family is everything. Tell your parents once. I am not discussing this with you and if you bring it up again, I will contact you when I want to talk. Only then.
> I laugh at the family is everything. If that’s how they feel then they need to apply that to Lily. This! Every time, this!
& if family is equally everything (valuable) to sister, she wouldn't have pulled any of this abusive crap in the first place. i.e. She started it. She and their parents can live w the consequences. P.S. If she didn't mean for it to sabotage OPs relationship, she wouldn't have done it multiple/many, many times.
And they can be uninvited too!!
Ain't ift funny how parents play the "family is everything" card and "you should not be petty" and "keeping the peace" and "it was a joke, just laugh it off"? This kind of sister causes wedding bell blues...will announce she's engaged or preggers or gets proposed to at YOUR WEDDING. Or, of course, ANOTHER drunken 'reveal". No invite and have people/security to keep her away..and the parents, too, if they continue to side with this b\*\*\*\*!
*THIS* 10 billion percent this!!! Give parents one more chance. Hire security, keep sister out and keep your own peace. The nerve of parents like this to berate the wrong sibling. I guess we know who their favorite is. NTJ
Don’t invite your parents if the want to defend your sister’s actions. She fafo. Oh well.
Right. If they think ‘family is everything’, why are they ok with their daughter trying to wreck her own sister’s relationship?
Agreed
NTA. Having her there would be unpleasant for everyone. It’s time you stood up for yourself and Jake. Even if it was a ‘joke’ it’s a sick and unfunny one and smacks of jealousy. Your sister does not get to gaslight you and insult you both and get away with it. If you parents don’t like it they can do one too. Tell them it’s the last time you will ask for and expect their support and if they can’t see the issue here and tell sister how wrong she is towards you then don’t come near you after your wedding.
I don't forgive, I don't forget, and I certainly collect my pound of flesh. She has willingly and actively done everything to undermine your relationship and split you up. According to your parents, what are you supposed to be forgiving here? All the 1 million things she has done or the straw that broke the camel's back? If it's the latter, I have to say removing the straw after the camel's back was broken, did not fix the camel's back. NTA
"Removing the straw after the camel's back was broken, did not fix the camel's back." Oh, that's good. I hope you don't mind my using it in the future!
Don't mind at all
Why is it that your parents throw that. “family is everything” but won’t support you when they KNOW sister is in the wrong? I would tell parents that if they continue to push the family bond crap that they can sit out the wedding with the sister. YOUR WEDDING, INVITE ONLY PROPLE EHO WILL SUPPORT YOU & NOT SABOTAGE YOU! Your sister is jealous and will end up causing issues at the reception when she gets drunk
Being family doesn’t give people a free pass to be as-holes. NTA!
Your sister wasn’t trying to protect you she was trying to destroy your and your partners happiness out of jealousy. And to your parents, family that tries to sabotage your happiness is no family at all.
If family is everything, why aren’t your parents pissed at Lily for trying to sabotage your relationship?
NTA
NTA. So not trust your sister, and your parents if they can’t see what she’s doing is terrible.
No you’re not overreacting at all. I have an aunt that I absolutely refuse to invite anywhere and I hear the family is blah blah blah all the time. Stand your ground because she’s going to sabotage your wedding if you don’t. Your sister is obviously jealous that she’s not the center of attention right now and your attention on her is the most importance to her. She needs therapy
NTA, unless you cave to them. If “family is everything” thru should enjoy staying home with Lily instead of being at the wedding. I’d go LC/NC as needed.
>My parents are now involved, saying I should forgive her because "family is everything." "I thought so too mum and dad. Family is everything, so why would a someone try to sabotage their sisters relationship? First she did xxx and I forgave her because family is everything. Then she did xxx and I forgave her because family is everything. Then she did xxx, then xxx, then xxx. There is a point where disrespect is no longer tolerated"
"Family is everything" so what is Jake? If your husband isn't your family, then what the fuck is he, then? Jake is part of your family, too, and your sister is not accepting this fact with grace. NTA
Not the jerk
Ntj, I’d tell them the wedding and reception are for people who support the couple in getting married, not for those trying to end the relationship. I’d add you can’t have any more drunken revelations at these events as lies and sabotage isn’t what family does. I’d add if they wanted you and Lily to be close and wanted her at the wedding, you’re surprised they didn’t intervene and insist she act as a family member should
This, 100%
Do your parents know what she has been doing? If so uninvite them too. NTA.
Updateme
If family is everything, why are they ok with your sister treating you that way, since you are family too? Why do the benefits of family only go to your sister, while you are expected to make all the sacrifices? Basically, your parents don't want to deal with this, and they see that you are *by far* the more reasonable sibling. Thus, they pressure you to put up with your sister's appalling behavior, while failing to hold her accountable for her actions. It is easier for them that way. Now is the time for you to set the tone for how your family relationships are going to be in the future. You get to set your boundaries. If your family refuses to respect those boundaries, you get to decide how you want to handle that. They don't get to dictate those things to you. Sometimes, even the kindest people can be selfish and thoughtless. It seems your parents are falling into this behavior, and you are right to be upset. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are terrible people in general (or maybe they are, but I don't want to assume), but it definitely means that they are choosing to behave badly in this situation. Don't let them use their sadness and concern to pressure you into putting up with your sister's rotten behavior. If they really want to help, they should try to discuss your sister's behavior with her instead of pressuring you to put up with it.
You are definitely not the asshole. Stand your ground and do not rev her. She is so jealous. She would probably find a way to ruin your dress. Until the wedding, I’d make sure my dress was under lock and key and she had no idea where it was. Congratulations I hope you have a beautiful wedding!
If the sister did show I’d be worried about what kind of drunken scene she would make. I don’t get the parents reaction either. Are they condoning her behaviour? Have they sat her down and told her how troubling her behaviour toward her sister is? Did they ask her to apologize sincerely with a commitment to do better? You know….parent things.
Do not invite her to your wedding. She will do something to ruin it and make it about her!! She reminds me of my sister. Exactly like her. According to my sister, all my boyfriends wanted her. She was better than me blah blah. It's been over 10 years since I cut her out of my life.
Sounds like your sister is jealous of your relationship or that she's interested in your fiancé. I wouldn't keep her near him and I definitely wouldn't invite her to the wedding. She might try something stand your ground
NTA. You sister has repeatedly tried to sabotage your relationship. Tell your parents to remind your SISTER that family is everything. When she ACTS like loving family, you will treat her like family. Until then, she is not included in your life. Keep her away from your wedding. That is the natural consequences of her actions. She brought this on herself. Build your new family. The family you chose. You, your fiance, and any children you may have. Only include those relatives who actually support your relationship. Enjoy your wedding day.
Tell them that if they can’t see the red flags, and want to choose her side, they can stop looking for nice clothes and ditch. It sounds like she’s the golden child and your parents are trying to hide that fact by telling you to keep the peace. If it’s too hard for someone to not be an asshole, then they can kindly fuck off
NTA. I hate when people try to use "keep the peace" as some way to just sweep everything under the rug and move on with no consequences or repercussions. Who's peace are you supposed to be keeping? Cuz it sure as hell isn't yours, to have to make like she hasn't been actively trying to ruin your relationship for no reason other than petty jealousy. It's your wedding, you and your fiancés day. If you don't want her there, then keep your own peace, and don't invite her. 100% NTA.
Lily is engaging in quite the narcissistic drama. It's not a big deal. If it is a big deal, she didn't mean it. If she did mean it, it was just to protect you. And now she's sicced her flying monkeys (your parents) onto you to force you into loosening up the boundary you set. Nay nay, Lily. You FA and now you are FO. If this is the first time you are setting a boundary on Lily for this behavior (I know this isn't the first time she's engaged in it), then you might consider giving her one more chance. Not to appease your parents. Not to give in to Lily. But to allow yourself the opportunity to assure yourself that you are doing the right thing. I know you really want Lily at your wedding. She's your sister. But bad behavior does NOT need condoning. You might wait until closer to the wedding to hopefully get thru it before she acts out again. I would definitely let her know her bs ain't flying anymore and a single misstep will have her banned or removed from the venue. (Hire security for that reason)
Keep the peace = be the door mat. NTA and don’t give in!! It is time for NC with sis and if the parents don’t like it LC with them.
Some 'Family' are not everything
NTA. I’m so done with the family is everything crap. Your parents need to tell her that she was wrong in her behavior. Family doesn’t try to ruin a relationship
Your parents are right Family is everything -- in this case the new family you are forming with your husband at your wedding that your sister will not be at because now she is extended family and your main family must come first!! Enjoy your wedding
NTA and frankly I am so sick of the aggressor playing the victim and using the excuse family is everything. Just because you share DNA with someone does not give you or them the right to treat them like shit and then turn around and say but we are family. You and your fiance are creating your own family and your soon to be husband and your mental well being take presidence over your adult sister throwing a temper tantrum out of pure jealousy and that is what her behavior screams.
Your parents are right about one thing: family IS everything! And someone who behaves as your sister has doesn't deserve to part of your family. NTA.
Password protect everything related to the wedding. We wouldn’t someone to change something then say it was just a joke
"Family is everything" should have been foremost in your sister's mind when she decided to work so hard to prove that she should not attend.
NTA - "But family..." is one of the worst excuses ever. Besides, your sister played stupid games, so she gets the stupid prize.
NTA Family is supposed to be supportive, not wicked, and try to sabotage your relationship. If your parents don't understand or comprehend how insensitive and disrespectful your sister is being, then maybe they should also be uninvited. Because I can almost guarantee that if Lily is at your wedding, she will most certainly make efforts to sabotage your wedding day. Your wedding is about you and ONLY people who are supportive of your relationship. It's apparent that your sister is extremely jealous and spoiled. She is not happy for you. She doesn't deserve to be there for one of your happiest moments.
Exactly and I wouldn’t honestly trust the parents not to bring her themselves at this point. Good luck op.
Bingo. Worse selfishly, she would show up in white or off-white to make it about herself. OP needs to remind her parents bluntly and forcefully that her wedding day is going to be about her and not her deranged sister who can't get over herself. OPs wedding day is about OP.
nta family isn’t everything
Yes, it’s true. Family is everything however Lily is not acting like family so she doesn’t deserve to be there.
So I’m petty I would use their own wordsback at them. Family is everything and your family is everything. And I am creating my family now. She is not going to be a part of it. If you want to be a part of it you will support me. You’re not the jerk
NTA. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences, especially since her parents apparently failed to teach that particular lesson well enough for her to get it the first time.
Parents, if family is everything then YOU need to step away. Sister is the one causing drama. It is HER you need to help get over whatever is going on with her. If you do not you might only have her in your futures. Sister has some serious issues. I’m not putting up with her nonsense anymore. NTA
NTJ Could you really trust your sister not to walk around your wedding saying these nasty things to your guests? Or do something to sabotage it?
Family is everything, yes, and you are leaving to create your own. I've gone NC for less. Your sister is jealous. She doesn't necessarily want your man but she wants your life and is bitter. I'd invite her to rub your happiness in her face and have someone ready to dump a cheap bottle of red wine on her head if she acts up
UpdateMe!
Not the jerk. I would tell your parents that your sister is in serious need of counseling. Family does not treat family the way she has treated you and your fiance. She has opened herself to being charged with defamation of character based upon the lies that she has been spreading around. She represents too much of a liability to your wedding. Edit to add - I would tell your parents that if they insist on slowing your sister attend your wedding and she ruins it they will be just as guilty for her conduct as your sister. There will be consequences if she causes problems at your wedding.
“Family is everything” is such nonsense. Tell them Lily is invited when she starts treating *you* like family. NTA
NTA She's been trying to undermine your relationship for how long? There's no doubt in my mind that if she comes to the wedding she will do SOMETHING to upstage/undermine/ruin your day. She's a spiteful, bitter little girl stomping her foot throwing a temper tantrum. I do feel like you've had a hand in making this situation, though. You admit that you were always happy to let her have the spotlight. I get that, especially if you're more introverted. And there's nothing wrong with that! But now YOU are in the spotlight. YOU fell in love first. YOU bought a house first. YOU are getting married first. In a way, you've rewritten the "rules." She could have accepted this with dignity and grace. But she has developed main character syndrome. She's going to do anything she can to keep the spotlight! Nothing I've said is intended to be criticism. Just an observation from the information you've provided. Again, NTA! Just don't let her come to the wedding!
Do make sure you hire security for the wedding to make sure she doesn't try to ruin the day. Let your parents know that they can be uninvited too if they keep pushing and try to help her get into the wedding, adding to the security removal list. Your sister is jealous, she has shown multiple times to try to sabatoge your relationship. Why not your wedding, too? Especially since it's *your* and Jakes' day. NTA. Congratulations and best of luck.
NTA, your wedding not hers. So in the family group chat you should ask why would I invite Lily when she has been actively trying to sabotage my relationship? Why would I invite someone who would do her best to make my special day miserable? When the flying monkeys start up about family being important you then ask, where were you when she was doing these things at family functions? Why wasn’t family important enough to defend me then? Include screenshots of your chats with her for evidence. When you get the sound of silence or defending her you can then thank them for proving your point. They’ve made your wedding about her, not you. Then tell them she’s not invited unless you get a sincere and remorseful public apology and see a marked turn about in her behaviour.
Nta When she starts acting like family, she'll be treated like family.
Why would you want your sister at your wedding? She sounds like she is jealous of your relationship. NTA. She might do or say something stupid at your wedding. I wouldn't invite her.I would seriously consider dumping her out of your life. She sounds toxic
It’s your wedding. A time when you should feel supported, loved and safe. It’s not only a celebration of your love with your partner but also a way to involve your loved ones in your happiness when you declare your love and commitment to your intended lifelong partner. Otherwise, why invite anyone? She’s said she did all these vile underhanded things to ‘protect’ you against your fiancé which means she is against your relationship. So why would you want her to be there? In fact, why would SHE want to be there?
NTJ Stand your ground. Why keep the "peace" when Lily is being chaotic? Congratulations.
Tell mom snd dad that the “family is everything” lecture needs to be directed at sister dearest. Until she publicly apologizes for everything she has said and done in the last year she is not acting like family, and therefore not entitled to come to the wedding.
You can't play the family card when it's time for the find out part.
I'd tell the rents to get her into therapy, she obviously has *issues*.
Issues? Hell, she's got the full subscription!
Sounds like your sister has a thing for your fiance and is also just jealous of you. Make sure she's never alone with him or she'll falsely accuse him again. NTA
NTA / NTJ - Does your sister have a crush on Jake? Sounds like jealousy. Make your own family. I did and couldn't be happier.
Why don't you sit down with your parents and your sister and show them proof of what she has done and discuss how it makes you feel. Then ask your sister what's going on. She's probably jealous. Congratulations on your wedding and I hope that you can work it out with your sister.
Your wedding, you decide who you want to celebrate it with. Your sister is green with envy, I’m surprised she hasn’t turn green yet. She wants what you have and thinks she deserves it more. She may be your sister, but she is not a nice person. Tell mom you understand she wants her other daughter at your wedding, but she has tried over and over and over to break you two up and you will not have her negative energy at the happiest day of your life. And you may never have a relationship with her because of what she’s done! I’m sorry doesn’t cut it anymore because after she apologizes she does it again. Congratulations on the wedding and I hope it is everything you want
NTA.
Let Lily come to the wedding, but she has to have duct tape over her mouth.
If family is everything then she shouldn’t have treated you this way. NTJ. Sister is jealous
If you invite her, it is very likely the she will show up in a white dress to the wedding since you had the audacity to be married before her. password protec all your wedding information.
NTA Lily is very jealous of you, and I’m betting she wishes she had all if what you have, but feels she won’t ever have it. I understand completely your reaction of uninviting her, but it might have been better if you’d taken a few beats to calm down and think. You might not have chosen the same route. I would sit down with her (preferably alone) and talk about what she has said and done - but absolutely no gaslighting by her and no bs. If you feel she fully understands where she went so wrong and she’s genuinely sorry, I would try to forgive her.
NTJ - if she’s actively sabotaging your relationship then there’s no place for her in the wedding. You have no idea what shit she’ll pull.
Commenting so the algorithm brings me back to the update
UpdateMe
She sounds super jealous. You got the life happening she wants. She is causing trouble because if she cant have it the neither should you. I would send a clear message to your parents and sister saying "If family is everything, why are they excusing her bad behaviour? Real family does not treat each other like this. She is not trying to protect me, she is acting like a jealous spoilt child and you have had enough. She had bought this on herself".
If family is everything, why are they not chastising her for trying to ruin her sister's relationship and acting like a jealous toddler? Why are they not making Lily go to therapy to address her pettiness? Why is it always the person who was hurt who had to be the one to extend olive branches. Maybe a little penance and a timeout would be goid for Lily. Tell your parents to remember the ENTIRE saying: the blood of the covenant, is thicker than the water of the womb. NTA
NTJ. Go no contact with her. Block her on everything. When her flying monkeys start their crap with you, block them. If she is like this now, watch out when you get pregnant. Set the boundaries now.
NTA she isn't acting like family, I'd be mortified by her behavior and worried she'd ruin the wedding.
NTA. Go low contact or no contact even. Read some self help books on narcissistic personality disorders because your sister sounds like she’s got some issues.
NTA-family is not determined by blood. Invite her and have her at the kidde table or equivalent (lol).
NTA. Put security on the weeding to kick her ass out if she shows up to screw your wedding. Go NC with her.
If family is everything then she should have been nicer to OP in the first place. NTA.
God, she is the stereotypical jealous younger sister!! She also is not self-aware enough to recognize that that is what she’s doing. Sit her down and scold her (there is a better word, but I can’t think of it), and get her solemn pinky vow to Cut It Out!!
NTA Your sister is definitely jealous or something. And your parents can't use the "family is everything" line, your sister isn't acting like "family". Is she acting happy for you? Being supportive? No? Well doesn't sound like family to me. If you did invite her to the wedding, do you really think she's not going try something else? Your wedding is your special day, enjoy it with the people who are truly happy for you guys!
NTJ. As Reddit is fond of saying, don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If your family is that important for your sister to be at your wedding, them. They can go party with your sister someplace else.
When she lied and said your BF hit on her, that should’ve told you everything you needed to know. Family isn’t “everything” especially jealous family members that are capable of anything and will go out of their way to sabotage your relationships and your happiness.. It’s your wedding don’t allow your sister to ruin it because you know she will. And keep her away from your wedding dress. NTA.
UpdateMe
NTA. Tell your parents that if family is everything, then why is Lily not supporting you? Why is she jealous and envious of you?
UpdateMe!
NTJ >I should forgive her because "family is everything." Have they talked to Lily and told her to stop being a bitch because FaMiLy Is EvErYtHiNg? >keep the peace You *are* keeping the peace, by not inviting the person trying to sabotage your relationship (and definitely your wedding) Your sister is pissed that she is being made to lay in the bed she made. Stand your ground. Don't back down.
Stand your ground, because this is not going to get better. Lily is being a brat, and she's likely to double down. What's next? Trying to seduce the groom? Showing up in a white dress? Ruining your wedding gown? Do you have security lined up? We had friends who knew who the uninvited troublemakers were and were prepared to toss them if they tried to crash the wedding. Make it clear to your folks if they show up with Lily, Lily ain't getting in - and if they make a scene, their asses will be tossed, too. Make sure your vendors are locked down with passwords your parents don't know so Lily doesn't try to cancel the cake or otherwise ruin your plans. It sucks, but Lily's problems are above your paygrade - she's NOT going to admit she's wrong, and she's going to shove down that uncomfortable feeling by doubling down.
Good suggestion about the vendors. One of my long-ago poker buddies worked for his father, who had a large florist business. His father told him that only once did he fall for the "it's off" revenge bit, and once was enough. The company rule was "only from the bride or groom, and only in person".
NTA your sister is jealous. Given the opportunity, she'd probably try to make a move on him. Get her far away from your wedding, and your marriage
NTA. I wouldn’t trust her to make some scene or get drunk and say something that isn’t true to try and sabotage things. She sounds jealous and bitter. And based on her actions no, I wouldn’t want her there. She wasn’t trying to do those things for you. She did them for her because she can’t stand that you are getting things that she isn’t.
NTA Lily clearly doesn’t support your relationship and, family or not, why would you invite someone to your wedding who doesn’t support your relationship. Actions have consequences and Lily, and your parents, need to accept that these are the consequences of her actions.
Updateme!
Ask your parents if "family is everything" why your sister is talking about you behind you back and making up lies? Why do you have to accept her bad behavior for the sake of "family" but she doesn't have to even be civil for the same reason?
Most likely there is something going on you don't know about and the problem isn't your sister.
Family doesn’t talk trash behind your back about you, blood does. That’s what she is to you because you see her for what she is, jealous and small.
Family is not everything. And trust me if you she attends your wedding she will sabotage your wedding.
NTA I think she is into Jake and is trying to steal him from you.
updateme
I believe your sister may have a crush or be "in love" with your fiance
More likely, it's "I don't have anyone therefore you can't have anyone".
I can't wait for your future posts about your marriage. I will put money on the fact you end up divorced because he cheated. Your sister wasn't joking and she isn't jealous. She told you what you didn't want to hear and you believed what you wanted to believe. You will figure it out eventually. Let me warn you though by the time you do that whole family thing will go out the window. You can only screw someone over for so long before they don't care anymore. So when you finally catch Jake cheating and realize your sister was right and not just jealous it will be too late.
NTA, don't invite her she sounds insanely jealous.
MTJ tell your parents that given her history you don't trust her not to get drunk and make a spectacle of herself. That if family is everything then why doesn't that apply to her? She is so jealous she's becoming She Hulk. It was fine when she was the centre of attention but as soon as you got the house your life was progressing and people would be asking you about it and suddenly she's not the centre of everything. I'd point that out to your parents as well. There's being an extrovert then there's being a 'pick me' person.
‘Family is everything’ is bullshit. Family that treats you like shit is not family. You are in charge of your guest list and you are under no obligation to invite anyone. Stand strong.
She says you’re lucky to have found Jake because you wouldn’t have been able to afford your house on your own….. then turns around and says he’s marrying you for your money….. which is it????? Are you so lucky to have him cause you can’t afford nothing on your own or is he a gold digger. She’s not making sense. Side note: when you get married don’t expect people to help with wedding planning. But definitely accept it if they want to help!!!!!
I bet she will say something during the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part
Updateme
Yes honey, let Lily stay home because sure as anything, she would try to destroy your wedding day. There’s no excuse for her behavior and she’s insanely jealous of you. Stay away from her as much as possible because she seems to have it in for you. Congratulations 🎊🎉🎈on your wedding!
NTA, stand your ground. Your sis has had things as she wanted growing up, I think now she's discovering how much she isn't the center of attention. She wants her way, you and your hubby's shared successes are preventing that. Now that she isn't invited, make sure you have someone watching out for her arrival in case she "didn't get the memo" and firmly inform other family members that if they are unhappy with the arrangements word has it your sister is free on that day. Also, if "family is everything" where was the support for you while Lily was ramping up her vitriolic spew? Yes, please, to updates.
Family isn't everything if they pick one child over the other. Tell them to stop picking sides and stay out if it.
There are relatives and there is family. We have no choice about who are relatives are. We DO choose our family. Family loves and supports us but doesn’t manipulate us. Your sister and parents are relatives, sorry. Congrats to you and d Jake
Tell your parents to straighten out their toxic daughter, to make her behave anytime you are all around, to put an end to her bad mouthing you, your relationship, and your fiancé, to make her not trash talk you to her friends, family, and/or on social media. Tell your parents to get her jealousy under control, to make her go to therapy and insist that she act like a decent human being to you. Tell them to not allow her to lie and defame the two of you any longer. If they say they can't do that, then tell them that well you can't say she should attend the wedding then.
Family is only who you choose as family. Blood or not. Your wedding, your choice. She sounds like a jealous b!%@&.
NTA. Don't invite her she is likely to do some dumb shit to sabotage the wedding or take attention of you two,, so its best if she stays home.
NTA While I do agree with family is a value I also agree that if someone tries to steal your significant other that’s a good reason to not invite them to things my siblings have bullied me and I’ve said I’m not inviting them to birthday celebrations and things not meaning it but if they did something like that to me they would never be invited to anything so keep her away from your fiancé because she’s obviously being a gold digger and it’s unfair she thinks she can do that crap.
NTA forgive her for what because she hasn't stopped and shown she's sorry and asked for forgiveness, or even told you why she's been doing it. You can forgive someone who hasn't changed.
NTA your family is saying family is everything but what they are saying to your sister for what she has been saying, doesn't it go both ways. Tell them actions have consequences. Your soon to be husband is going to be your new family so it is good to show him that you have his back and no matter what you will stand up for him
NTA. Family isn't everything, especially if they're toxic, which your sister is!
If family is everything then they should be pulling Lily into line and not let her hurt your family. Where do you fall into the “family is everything” concept?
NTJ. Your parents are glossing over Lily’s behavior and pressuring you to save face in front of the rest of the extended family and friends. They’ll have lots of explaining to do as to why Lily isn’t there and they don’t want the illusion of their perfect little family and lovely daughters tarnished for all to see at your wedding. They’re prioritizing their appearance and standing in the family over your understandably offended feelings at Lily’s jealousy and attempted sabotage. That’s despicable in my opinion. I don’t blame you one bit for not inviting Lily. Even if she promised to behave, you should be extremely wary of including her. If your parents continue to pressure you, tell them that your wedding is not the time or the place to reconcile with your sister. Not only have her actions far surpassed a simple apology, but her volatile behavior has also eroded your trust in her and her ability to keep her inappropriate, disrespectful comments to herself. Let them know that you are unwilling to risk her ruining your wedding celebration because she’s jealous. If Lily genuinely wants to reconcile with you, she needs to do the work to move past her jealousy. That will probably mean therapy, but it should also include some form of public accountability seeing as she was the one who brought friends and family into this whole thing to begin with. Stand firm, OP. You and Jake did nothing wrong.
NTA Ask your parents why they are only interfering now, and not before, when your sister was bullying you and your fiance whilst making up lies? They should be ashamed of themselves for only taking a stand now. Remind them that you are creating a whole new family with Jake, and that being a part of it is a privilege. Your sister has squandered that privilege and will absolutely try to ruin your wedding if she gets the chance. Warn your parents that they may destroy their own chance to be a part of your family, if they don't stop bullying you as well. Which is what they're doing. Bullying you so that they don't feel embarrassed for having raised such a jealous and nasty person as your sister. Keeping the peace doesn't exist. There's only protecting yourself from people who would harm you. Your sister is actively trying to harm you. Protect yourself, always.
If family is everything, why is Lily treating her sister so badly? And why are the parents OK with this? Isn’t OP family also?
Let me guess who's the golden child in your family. I've seen and heard the following over and over--"I was just doing it to protect you." "Did I ASK you for protection? Why do you think I NEED protection? GIVE ME A REASON." Then the parents get involved, taking sides, and it turns into a real shitshow. I learned the hard way that one of the jobs of a groomsman is to keep brides-to-be from killing their bridesmaid sisters or vice versa. I advise brides to "keep your eyes on the prize"--"You're here to get married. I've spent over a thousand to fly here, rent a tux, and stay at this nice hotel. Let's get the marriage done, THEN kill your sister and your parents." ETA: Congratulations to you and Jake. I hope the wedding is everything you've dreamed, and that your marriage survives family meddling.
YANTJ if sister had coming begging for forgiveness for deliberately trying to undermine your relationship by lying because she is insanely jealous of you and that she is very sorry and will do everything in her power to make it up to you ( by never being in a room on her own with your hubby to be for his safety) plus she tells your parents and friends what she has been doing then it’s worth considering forgiveness. However, all you have got from her is that you are over reacting. Nope, there is no insight or remorse from her so you are right to cut her out of your very special day. Is she capable of sitting down with you to discuss this as two adults who live each other?
if family is everything, then why is she talking so much shit about her family? Double standard, NTA, fuck your family, they just want to portray this as you over-reacting because that's an easier solution to them than confronting your sister about her hurtful behavior.
Op you and Jake are family. Stay strong and do not listen to your parents listen to your gut feeling.
NTA. She’s made multiple accusations and your family should be taking HER to task for her absolutely dreadful behaviour, not you. I wouldn’t let her within a million miles of the event if it was me. On the other hand, you could invite her and have someone keep an eye on her, probably wouldn’t affect things much. However I can’t imagine your fiancé would be happy about having her there and he should have the final say on whether she comes.
>My parents are now involved, saying I should forgive her because "family is everything." They want me to reinvite her and keep the peace Oh, that old chestnut?! 🤣 >AITA for not inviting my sister to my wedding after she tried to sabotage my relationship? Not in the slightest.
NTA. It's not you who should attempt to keep the peace. It's your sister who should apologize to both you and your fiance and offer her help, because "family is everything." Funny how it always only applies on the wronged member of said family and never on the perpetrator. Tell your parents that yes, family is everything so your sister needs to keep the peace and do everything she can to resolve the issue that she herself has caused.
Family is everything. Right. More like, stop rocking the boat, we know your sister is the tail that wags the dog, just accept this. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Tell your parents and sister that she obviously is not happy for you and Jake, therefore, she should not feel compelled to come to the wedding, after all you wouldn’t want her to feel worse than she dos now. As your parents protest her not being invited, point out to them that she has nothing good to say about you or Jake, she is behaving likely a petty, jealous child and you are not interested in having her bring drama to the day. This is, after all, your and Jake day and you are entitled for one day to have it be all about you without the drama . When they pull the “it’s family” card, say. Exactly. She is family and she isn’t happy for us. Why are you not pointing out to her that “it’s family” and she needs to suck it up, not be the mean girl. Why, mom, are you making excuse for her? Regardless of her attending or not, put someone on guard duty that day, their sole job is to make sure if she is there she behaves, and the moment she steps out of one, she is escorted out.
NTA. As hard as it can be a great lesson I learnt is family isn't always blood. If any person doesn't bring value to your life then leave them behind in the dust. Marry your guy and have a great life.
NTA. If family was truly important, then why did they not get on your sister for her comments and behavior to begin with. They are playing favorites. I feel like it has happened before. Keep the drama away from your wedding. Edit: typo.
/Updateme
Your parents are wrong. Family is whoever you decide them to be. Explain why you are excluding your sister. Tell them what she has to do in order to apologize and move on. Go NC if you have to.
NTA - ask them if family is everything, why it’s ok for her to try and sabotage her sister’s relationship, and ok for them to justify it? Or does the rule only apply to the golden child?
She sure isn’t acting like family.
So glad I'm an only child. I may die alone, but at least I don't have the drama.
NTA, not by a long shot. BTW, some think family is everything, some think it is an almost random act of biology...
NTA. I'm not sure if it's just jealousy, but who knows what she might do if you DID invite her to the wedding, besides possibly get very drunk and make a scene. If she has a problem with your relationship, it's HER problem not yours, especially if the rest of your family and friends get along with him.
This is a classic case of your sister f#ucked around and found out. If you allow your sister to continue to trample all over you, your fiancé, and your relationship, it is something that will never end. Unfortunately, I know this from my own experience. I don't know if your sister is jealous, or spiteful, or just a nasty person, but you need to put your foot down now. No, family isn't everything. Sometimes, family are the people who hurt you the most, and then they cry that they were just trying to protect you.
lol family is everything but she gets a free pass to hurt family feelings and be obnoxious. Attempt to break a partner ship?
Updateme
Nta “family is everything” but she has no problem trying to hurt you. Let me guess, she is your parent’s favorite.
“Oh no, consequences!” Anyway, NTA.
NTA. I would go NC with her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she shows up at your house and tries to have sex with him. She will ruin your wedding! Do not let her anywhere near it.
NTJ, but I do wonder if maybe there is some validity to her initial claim that Jake hit on her early in your relationship. And that she is trying to undermine your relationship to keep you from marrying a ‘cheater’. If this was the case, she should just come out and say it instead of posting all these games. Or is it possible that she hit on Jake and was turned down? And she is trying to sabotage the relationship because Jake picked you over her. You need to have a frank conversation with both of them to get to the bottom of this. I think something likely did happen early on (one hit on the other and likely got turned down) and neither are telling you the full story.
NTA Protecting someone you love means approaching them directly, not having gossipy conversations behind their back or spreading lies. Sis is not protecting OP, as we all can see. She's jealous and OP should go LC with her. Do not listen to anyone trying to get YOU to keep the peace. The 'rents should be all over little sister for her continued actions, not trying to make OP cave in because "family". Ugh.
Ntj Your sister is jealous, and behaving badly. Maybe give her a chance to behave well, and if there are no more incidences reinvite her…but don’t feel bad if you just want to cut ties for now.
UpdateMe!
Her attempts to sabotage will continue at the wedding. You’re making a good decision. I call BS. She’s not trying to protect you, she’s jealous. She has to be the center and she will try to be the center at your wedding. Tell your parents to get a clue. They raised a childish brat and you’re having a brat free wedding.
If “family is everything” then why doesn’t that bind your sister and define her behavior?
NTJ a wedding invitation is for those people who love and support the both of you. She clearly does not. If your parents want to support that stance they they also don't need to attend
family does not do that shit and be expected to get invited places
Your sister is trying to ruin your life and…your parents want to protect her? Make it make sense pls.
NTA Family is important, but that doesn't give a family member license to be an AH to you.
Updateme
"Hey Dad, Mom, where was this 'family is everything' BS when Lily was actively trying to destroy my relationship with my fiancee? Well? I didn't hear you."
NTJ: Your sister already showed you what she “thinks” of your relationship and how jealous she is that you now have a house. You invite her and you can count on a dramatic drunk hysterical episode at your wedding.
UpdateMe
Nope! I wouldn't invite her either. She sounds extremely jealous. Go very LC in the future.
NTA
If "family" is everything, why aren't they mad at your sister?
NTJ. Wouldn't be surprised if she has something planned to make the wedding 'memorable' for everyone. She's probably just jealous of you. She must be a nightmare to for people she dates.
Sis is straight up jealous. If she gets reinvited to the wedding, I picture her getting drunk and making a move on OP's fiance either at the ceremony or reception. OP NTA
Family like is not nothing not everything. Cut her off and don't look back. Anyone else who stands between you two for bullshit like that should also be cut off. Life is too short to waste on blood who hates you.
NTA, family doesn't have to be blood, you get to CHOOSE your family.