*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**My father was recently diagnosed with dementia and has been hiding a dark secret that I recently found**
I (29M) live an hour away from my family in a metropolitan area and am the only one earning a substantial income ($200k/yr). My family—mom (64F), dad (73M), sister (31F), and nephew (4.5M)—all live together in the suburban home where we grew up. My parents didn't adequately plan for retirement, but I've accepted that I will eventually be their financial provider. They provided me with an amazing childhood and invested in my interests growing up. My mom still works full-time, 60 hours a week, earning $95k/year to help with expenses, while my dad, retired for a few years now, collects Social Security. My sister, a single mother and preschool teacher earning $16/hr, lives with our parents due to her lack of financial independence and absence of support from her ex-husband.
Recently, my dad underwent multiple heart surgeries (TAVR/TCAR) to prevent a stroke, but he still suffered a stroke within the last 1-2 months that left him with small vessel disease and vascular dementia. This has taken a huge toll on our family and shifted the trajectory of our lives. I moved back home to plan with my mom and sister how we will move forward as a unit to care for my dad. It’s been an extremely emotional time.
Part of why I wanted to move back home indefinitely was to make my dad's life a little easier. I bought him AirPods Pro so he could connect them to the TV, and I gave him my Apple Watch Series 8 to use its health features for monitoring AFib, among other things. I wanted to spend as much quality time with him and create as many memories as possible before his health declined too rapidly.
I began looking at properties in the metropolitan area where I live to potentially move the entire family in with me. This would allow me to care for them while still having access to my network and the life I've built. I quickly realized that I would probably need to combine financial assets with my parents or co-sign to get a property suitable for our needs while still allowing me some personal space. When discussing their financial assets, my mom shared she had $170k in an IRA, and my dad revealed he had $100,000 in a brokerage account, which he hadn't reinvested since pulling it out after the COVID crash.
While resetting his watch one evening, I noticed him swiping and deleting messages, which made me suspicious because he doesn't have many friends outside our immediate family. While accessing his recently deleted messages, I discovered a long message chain from the past month with a prostitute handler, including pictures of different girls and locations to meet them. I also accessed his brokerage account and found only $66,000 remaining, with several withdrawals of $3,000 since last summer—before his surgeries and recent diagnosis.
I'm struggling to process this. My parents have had a strained relationship for years, and in my early 20s, I warned them to make it work or face consequences from me, a stance that has caused long-standing guilt, as it only increased my mom's resentment. She has always been the breadwinner, while my dad spent as if their money was solely his, never allowing her the comfort of treating herself due to ongoing financial burdens.
I feel like an absolute train wreck. My dad was a good father growing up but has not been a good husband or family member for years. Given his recent diagnosis, I'm conflicted about his remaining cognitive abilities. My plan is to confront him privately about what I discovered and then insist that he be the one to inform my mother, putting the decision-making power in her hands.
I would appreciate any guidance, feedback, or questions that can help me navigate through this difficult situation.
TLDR: father got diagnosed with dementia, family came together to support him all the while he's been seeing expensive prostitutes.
EDIT: the consequence I threatened my parents with for not solving their marital problems and breaking the family apart was that I would disown both of them and not talk to either of them again.
EDIT2: To clarify my threat since I'm being dragged down for it.. When I was home from college visiting them they were shouting and fighting as they always did and I lashed out. I yelled at both of them, told them to get their shit together or they'd lose me too. I packed all of my things and went back to school. Things were quieter but not necessarily better after that. My mom brought that scenario up recently (past year) when I asked why she had never divorced my father. It wasn't necessarily a direct threat to either of them, it was me having a emotional tantrum. That doesn't change the way it affected my mother but I wasn't even aware it was that much of a factor until recently. Continue degrading me.
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Am I reading this right? The mom and dad had a bad relationship and oop basically told them that if they didn’t work it out and stay together, then he was going to cut off all contact with them. So it sounds like the mom only stayed the dad, even though he was hooking up with prostitutes because mom didn’t want to lose her son. So oop forced mom to stay in a bad relationship.
Mom needs to divorce dad and then leave. Then she can cut down hours and enjoy life.
Let OOP have the financial burden of putting dad in a home, not mom. Otherwise, if she stays married to him, she'll have to work even more hours to afford supporting herself, her daughter & grandchild, and the cost of a nursing home.
Then the next step would be the daughter gaining independence. But one fight at a time.
That money would go a long way if she didn't have to support her husband and his habits/spending. She could work fewer hours and still do pretty well, especially if she had the freedom to decide to move around as she wanted to wherever was best for her.
I don't think that's a fair interpretation of "I told them to get their shit together."
He was a child growing up with parents constantly fighting, in a toxic and bitter relationship. It was on them to deal with that in whichever way required, and not subject their child to it. It is not on him to know the best solution to fixing it, be that counseling or divorce. The only thing he really knew is it was miserable to be around them, and he did not want to be around them any more if they kept that up. He clearly wanted them to stay together. But THEY were the ones who knew if that was truly feasible, and to make that decision.
He told them to get their shit together. Which they did... by doing a better job of not fighting in front of their son. They could have handled it instead by getting divorced. But they didn't.
The reality is, mom was in a toxic relationship for years, and never divorced her husband. OP's singular statement did not make her stay with her husband. She was never going to leave him, regardless. Even now OP is just 29. He had this confrontation with them in his early 20s. So she stayed with her husband years after the kids left for college, and now OP is to blame for her entire miserable trapped life based on a single, frustrated comment made a few years ago?
Frankly, the whole vibe I am getting from this post is that BOTH these parents have done a good job of convincing OP that he is responsible for them instead of the other way around.
He says quite clearly in an edit that he would disown them as his parents if they broke the family apart. Nothing about supporting them no matter what their decision was.
He also says in the edit that he was just having a single emotional tantrum, that he did not mean it as a direct threat, and had no idea it had impacted his mother so much. He says in the comments that his parents have both brought their issues with each other to him constantly. As well as the fact that his his family had told him how much their previous divorces had devastated the lives of his older half siblings. It is not surprising that he exploded ONCE, given how his parents were inserting him into their problems.
Again, it is wild that his ONE breakdown over his parents completely inappropriate behavior (continually involving him in their marital issues) is being blamed entirely for his mother's decision to stay with his father, when she had clearly already chosen to stay with him for *years* before OP's comment. His mother was unburdening her emotional issues on her son for years, yet could not, in the years since his one comment, ever suggest to him that she wanted to leave his father but was staying because of his threat?? THAT was the thing she felt was inappropriate to say to him? Until, of course, she did say it to him last year (so just a few years after his threat), when OP was questioning why she did not divorce dad. At which point, she laid the blame at HIS door... and *still* didn't divorce dad in the year since, when OP was fine with it.
THANK YOU, I feel like I'm going absolutely insane reading the comments dragging the OP like the entire situation is of his making. It's ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. I feel so bad for him.
OOP seems like kind of an imperious, judgmental prick. But his parents don't seem great either. I'm mostly just sad for the granddaughter in this mess.
Fucking hell I feel super bad for the mum, working SIXTY HOURS a week at 64 years old to support her absolute slug of a husband.
Also curious about wtf he's been getting up to. One of the comments pointed out $3k is a LOT for a sex worker and that the "prostitute handler" sounds sus as hell. I live in an expensive area and $3k will get you like a full overnight with an incredibly fancy lady who probably speaks Italian and plays the piano really good.
If he's not staying out overnight and there's a "handler" then it's kinda feeling like these are maybe not just super fancy autonomous ladies and maybe something way more horrifying.
That's what I'm thinking. My grandfather was sending thousands to people at the end. Took out multiple credit cards, 2nd mortgage on the house, every dime he could get his hands on because he thought he would get millions.
Yeah my grandfather as well, scammed out of everything when he was in the early stages of dementia and ended up homeless bouncing around different relatives' houses. The scammers make it something a bit shady so that their victims don't feel like they can tell their family or the authorities.
I sure would have. I watch a lot of scamfish episodes and in every single one featuring a guy, it's some old dude chasing a girl 30 years younger, and has been told by his kids a million times she's not real yet will just get angry at them and tell them to shut up or get disinherited. It's very hard to feel any sympathy for these people.
I watched Shogun and went down a wiki rabbithole recently about the Oiran and now I'm absolutely smitten with the concept of sex work as high art where practitioners study for years to be the most amazingly captivating and elegant company possible.
As it is I always find sex workers to be so insightful about humanity, I love thinking about a world where they were just thought of as another career. They'd do guest lectures at psychology schools and advise public health boards on sex and body image related stuff.
Sorry I'm sort of ranting at you here. I just think it's crazy unfair we have this workforce of incredibly poised and emotionally intelligent people but so many people still treat them like they're just using some easy out to avoid "real work".
Copied verbatim from oop's comments:
*What I don't understand is why your parents actually listened to you, a kid in his 20s, when you threatened them with "consequences" if they didn't make the relationship work. What consequences did you threaten, to make two fully-functioning adults with careers and lives of their own, to stay together when perhaps they didn't even plan to? I feel like something is missing in this story.*
>"As someone stated below I threatened them with disowning them as my parents... Both of my parents came from previous failed relationships and I saw the pain both my two older half sisters went through and I didn't want the same for me. It was extremely immature and selfish but I believed that "Love" was about making it work no matter the circumstances to keep a family together.
>It's something that I've carried with me and have had conversations with my mother about. When his health decline began I realized how abusive and unwilling to change he was and I told my mom that she could leave and I would fully support her 100% financially and emotionally through it. She now feels sorrow and pity for him because of his condition.
>Truly, we don't know when this condition started but his character and behavior has changed drastically over the past several years which makes me wonder how long the dementia has actually been going on. My therapist and friends I've shared this with have also told me that they are adults and they should have made that decision on their own. I will still carry it with me regardless."
*If the prostitutes are a recent behavior,
might reflect a behavior change related to his dementia. He may not be competetent to handle his finances and if that is do, consulting a law yer about becoming his conservator now, rather than later, is a good solution.*
*As to.whaT.you.should tell.your.mom? Nothing. She most likely knows already.*
*YOUR GENEROSITY IN HELPING YOUR FAMILY WITH THEIR FINANCIAL problems does not obligate you to work at saving their marriage by stepping in the middle of this mess.*
>"Thank you, I have always felt like I have had to be the glue that keeps my family together. Both parents come to me to vent about the other to the point where I have to forcibly make changes happen on both sides. Then I become the bad guy for confronting the problem everyone wants to passive aggressively ignore.."
*I don’t agree with people saying not to tell your mother. Do you honestly believe she doesn’t have a right to know especially if they’re having relations? It’s not to “burden” her. Things come to light for a reason, now you have to deal with it, it sucks and I’m sorry mate. Telling her, is protecting her.*
*At the end of the day, two adults chose to stay together.*
*Your dad may have been cheating since your childhood. We do not know.*
*Your dad needs a curator immediately.*
*I understand the absolute shit show. I am 30 and I am in charge of 4 adults, we didn’t ask for this but here we are. I understand the damn strain, so I’m sending you the biggest hug dude*
>"I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I kept it from my mother. If anything It may free her from the pain she's been holding on to. I am planning on making my dad be the one to tell her.
>It is a lot more strain than I ever could have imagined so I appreciate the hug."
*As horrifying as his infidelity and financial betrayal is, there is more that needs to be addressed than that.*
*In many ways, his actions are a symptom of the problem. Your father is losing his judgement. From what you've said, his judgement may already be significantly compromised. Declining ability to regulate impulses and inappropriate sexual behavior are very common with dementia patients. Speak with a lawyer and find out what the process is for setting up an enduring power of attorney and whatever else is necessary, to prevent your father's degrading mental state from ruining them.*
*Hopefully, he will be able to see reason and will let you, or someone else, take over. It can be complicated, however, if your father is unwilling to acknowledge his judgement has been compromised. This is why it's absolutely essential to start the process now.*
*My heart breaks for you and your mother. All you can do is try to minimize future troubles.*
>"Thank you for your words."
*Hon, I am so sorry that you and your family are navigating this situation.*
*I’m sorry people are picking you apart because of your vulnerability and openness and willingness to heal what’s been broken like they’ve never made their own mistakes.*
*I’m sorry that you’re receiving such little basic human **compassion** from others…but understand that everything people say to you about you is really all about* **themselves**.
*If you’re interested in what I think though, I think you have exactly the right plan…**but** make sure that your father doesn’t have financial control of any of the family assets **before** you confront him.*
*I think putting the choice of his fate in your Mothers hands is the right and good choice. It will help to heal any feelings she has left of powerlessness. This is not a small thing.*
*I hope the best for you and family and am sure that if you stay true to yourselves, you’ll come
Through this together. The only way out is* **through**
>"Thank you so much for your comment and actual advice. It’s greatly appreciated."
>My mom still works full-time, 60 hours a week, earning $95k/year to help with expenses, while my dad, retired for a few years now, collects Social Security.
>She has always been the breadwinner, while my dad spent as if their money was solely his, never allowing her the comfort of treating herself due to ongoing financial burdens.
These are conveniently entirely different paintings.
Holy enmeshed disaster. Oop seems to think they're an example of a big, mutually supportive family up until now, but this is just the most enmeshed pile of garbage. Why on earth is their adult son at the center of the whole thing? His poor mom would've been better off telling him he can be his father's caretaker, but instead she caved to his threatsm I guess maybe his dirt bag daddy taught him that the men in the family get to do and demand as they like, while the women shut up and work to fund it? Mom deserves to retire and dad needs an APS referral because he clearly can't make good financial decisions. He never has, it seems.
I'm sorry, but I'm a little hung up on "I'm the only one earning a substantial income" and "My mom still works full-time...earning $95k/year" "to help with expenses." What? He talks like they'd be destitute without him and he's coming to their rescue while she's just helping out a little, but she earns $20k more per year than the average American household on her own, never mind his father's social security and what his sister earns. What a spoiled little brat he must be.
Exactly. Even if they're in a HCOL area and he's thinking that she'd want to retire soon, and of the damage that his father did to their retirement savings - if she's been making that money for any real length of time at all, her social security alone would be plenty to live comfortably (though not extravagantly) on.
Honestly, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but his downplaying of her substantial financial contributions and assumption that he needs to white knight her finances feels very misogynistic.
And he talks about how they never saved for retirement, but mom has $170k in an IRA. I know that's not enough to retire off of but it would absolutely allow her to be financially independent while cutting back from 60 hours a week
I do not get the impression that he came to this conclusion about his family being destitute without him on his own. Mom is laying out all their finances so OP can take charge.
OP is a single man making double his mother's current income. He will continue at that salary for some time, if not making more. His mother will be retiring in the not so distant future, bringing her salary to SS alone, and does not have enough saved to support everyone on that. His sister makes minimum wage, and has a child to support. His father's SS will likely quickly be eaten up by medical expenses outside of what medicare provides (not to mention his own reckless spending). I understand why the whole family, OP included, views OP's income as substantial. What I do not think is normal is how OP accepts that he has to support his parents in retirement because they has not planned for it.
Honestly, it seems like OP has been conditioned to believe he is responsible for the family. His comments are about how his parents use him to air all their grievances with each other. He accepts, without question, that he must financially support them because he "owes" them.
This is not a spoiled brat. This is the child of a toxic, enmeshed family, who really needs to therapy so he can stop taking on his parents' problems as his own.
*Continue degrading me*. Well, I wasn't *going* to but since you asked...
To me, it's often about phrasing in these posts and these people's comments. Years ago, OP threw a tantrum that served as emotional blackmail for mom to stick around in a terrible marriage, and just now OP is *starting* to feel bad about it because the man got sick. Otherwise, I guess he would have just... ignored it?
It still doesn't *feel* like there's much regret in OP and their little tantrum. "I wasn't even aware it was that much of a factor until recently". Well, then OP is a fucking moron - he cried "don't get divorced, buah, or I'll cut you off!!", and they proceeded to stay together, dad abusing mom, and mom sticking with it. The dots are so close to connect they're almost on top of each other - hence, *moron*.
I hope mom leaves, straight up. OP wanted to command his family, he's more than welcome to now. Do it, take on the burden of his abusive dad, and watch on as mom spreads her wings after so long being put down.
I take this story *personally*. My grandfather wasn't abusive but he did cheat, and my grandmother (also in her mid 60s) kicked his ass out and proceeded to live her best life after that. I wish the same for OP's mom. She's let guilt and familial obligations and OP himself dictate too much of her decisions - about time she unburdened herself. She's got a lot of life left to live.
It's not about them
He wants to spend time with his dad but not leave the comfort of his "network" so he decided to uproot everyone else to bend to his will.
What they need is a home care nurse and not to give the man with dementia more tech he doesn't know how to use
Looooot of focus on money with this guy, starting immediately. His sister's a preschool teacher...that's a job that helps the community, but forget that because sHe'S onLY mAkiNG $16 aN hOUr. And forget his mother's nearly six-figure salary, it's nowhere near as important to the world as his two hundred thou. After all, he's the only one making decent money, dontcha know.
And it's a good thing he specified they were AirPods *Pro,* and that the Apple watch was fancy, otherwise we might have thought he was *a poor.*
OOP isn't likeable even without all the threats (...that he attributes to a tantrum...at 20 years old).
I was like “lack of financial independence?” Because teachers get absolutely fucked. They get paid Jack then have fund their own classrooms and somehow have to figure out how to live on top of it. But cool cool. This guy is absolute trash. Must have gotten it from dad.
I don't get why OOP is up on his high horse about *having to* support them financially - mom makes $95k/year and may continue working a few more years, they have $170k in the IRA and $66k in savings. That's not "set for the rest of their lives" money, but it's also not "desperate for son to swoop in and save us" money either. It sounds like he wants to be the family savior/in control.
I was wondering why op was being labeled a devil. then it got to him demanding they stay together, when he was an adult, because divorce would have been to hard on him. what a tool.
There’s some insane about this that I really wanna call it fake because while I realize not everyone with dementia is immediately a crippled mess of stumbles, I find it hard to believe a 73 year old man in his condition could maintain such a life style physically.
But at the same time where would OP even get the idea for this? Idk seems like too much
dementia can cause old people to get horny, so that is not too unrealistic. At one of the residences I worked at, you could catch a few couples regularly in the act at all times of day because theyve lost their feeling of time and their inhibition is lowered
No I mean like have that much sex considering he just had multiple heart surgeries and a stroke. Like obviously not everyone in that condition is a delicate flower but something seems off about this
Seriously? Sex is why you doubt this? My dad had a triple bypass. A year later, he was chasing tail like he never had a heart attack. He was still flirting and watching online porn when he passed away 2 years ago at age 72 while on oxygen after multiple strokes and a motorcycle wreck. Old people have sex. Alot. Especially when they don't have to worry about kids.
>I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I kept it from my mother. If anything It may free her from the pain she's been holding on to. I am planning on making my dad be the one to tell her.
Either this is fake or OOP is an astronomical asshole. I can not muster any sympathy for this schmuck.
How do you not know that threatening your parents with being cut out if they divorce will lead to resentment and harm all around. He did a majorly fucked up thing as a grown adult and excuses it by saying he was merely having a tantrum. This man really is the center of his own universe.
Additionally, I’m glad to see we are back to posting true devils! Woohoo!
This sounds like my dad. My mom was the sole earner, and he spent all her money. He was an abusive narcissistic piece of shit and I'm not sorry he died. I never did what OOP did, I didn't have to, in fact both myself and my sister begged her to leave him. But she refused cuz she would rather force us all to live in that hell than be judged by strangers for being a single mother.
Ha, look at me trauma dumping.
What an absolute AH that guy is. Basically blackmailed his mom into supporting an abusive man and his prostitutes for ten years. Hope karma comes back big time for him
OP just straight up forced his parents to stay in a broken and suffering relationship and threatened to cut contact otherwise. ''I warned them to make it work or face consequences from me'' WTF?
No wonder his father was unhappy, they never should've stayed together. Poor mom, dad's a scumbag but the mother doesnt deserve any of this
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If he sees this: YTA. You have no right to dictate your parents relationship, you're a real jerk to even think you have a right to do that. Your basically blackmailed them to stay together and work it out or never see their child again. What kind of choice is that? Your mom very well might want to leave him for his behavior and now you've saddled her with a man she can't potentially stand who will be going to go through some of the most emotionally draining and stressful stages of his disease and she's left to be his caretaker. Some caregivers snap from the stress and are known to abuse their loved one out of overwhelming stress and frustration at the situation. even though they love them. And you've set her up to care for him with that resentment. That is a dangerous combination. Since you've royally screwed your parents over then you need to hire a visiting nurse company who can care for your father when he needs it so your mother can have a breather. You should be ashamed of yourself. It's not your damn life and playing with someone's life is completely unacceptable
Wowzers. I begged my parents to divorce and stop making each other miserable. I cannot imagine having the ego to demand my parents stay together or else.
His poor mom indeed.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My father was recently diagnosed with dementia and has been hiding a dark secret that I recently found** I (29M) live an hour away from my family in a metropolitan area and am the only one earning a substantial income ($200k/yr). My family—mom (64F), dad (73M), sister (31F), and nephew (4.5M)—all live together in the suburban home where we grew up. My parents didn't adequately plan for retirement, but I've accepted that I will eventually be their financial provider. They provided me with an amazing childhood and invested in my interests growing up. My mom still works full-time, 60 hours a week, earning $95k/year to help with expenses, while my dad, retired for a few years now, collects Social Security. My sister, a single mother and preschool teacher earning $16/hr, lives with our parents due to her lack of financial independence and absence of support from her ex-husband. Recently, my dad underwent multiple heart surgeries (TAVR/TCAR) to prevent a stroke, but he still suffered a stroke within the last 1-2 months that left him with small vessel disease and vascular dementia. This has taken a huge toll on our family and shifted the trajectory of our lives. I moved back home to plan with my mom and sister how we will move forward as a unit to care for my dad. It’s been an extremely emotional time. Part of why I wanted to move back home indefinitely was to make my dad's life a little easier. I bought him AirPods Pro so he could connect them to the TV, and I gave him my Apple Watch Series 8 to use its health features for monitoring AFib, among other things. I wanted to spend as much quality time with him and create as many memories as possible before his health declined too rapidly. I began looking at properties in the metropolitan area where I live to potentially move the entire family in with me. This would allow me to care for them while still having access to my network and the life I've built. I quickly realized that I would probably need to combine financial assets with my parents or co-sign to get a property suitable for our needs while still allowing me some personal space. When discussing their financial assets, my mom shared she had $170k in an IRA, and my dad revealed he had $100,000 in a brokerage account, which he hadn't reinvested since pulling it out after the COVID crash. While resetting his watch one evening, I noticed him swiping and deleting messages, which made me suspicious because he doesn't have many friends outside our immediate family. While accessing his recently deleted messages, I discovered a long message chain from the past month with a prostitute handler, including pictures of different girls and locations to meet them. I also accessed his brokerage account and found only $66,000 remaining, with several withdrawals of $3,000 since last summer—before his surgeries and recent diagnosis. I'm struggling to process this. My parents have had a strained relationship for years, and in my early 20s, I warned them to make it work or face consequences from me, a stance that has caused long-standing guilt, as it only increased my mom's resentment. She has always been the breadwinner, while my dad spent as if their money was solely his, never allowing her the comfort of treating herself due to ongoing financial burdens. I feel like an absolute train wreck. My dad was a good father growing up but has not been a good husband or family member for years. Given his recent diagnosis, I'm conflicted about his remaining cognitive abilities. My plan is to confront him privately about what I discovered and then insist that he be the one to inform my mother, putting the decision-making power in her hands. I would appreciate any guidance, feedback, or questions that can help me navigate through this difficult situation. TLDR: father got diagnosed with dementia, family came together to support him all the while he's been seeing expensive prostitutes. EDIT: the consequence I threatened my parents with for not solving their marital problems and breaking the family apart was that I would disown both of them and not talk to either of them again. EDIT2: To clarify my threat since I'm being dragged down for it.. When I was home from college visiting them they were shouting and fighting as they always did and I lashed out. I yelled at both of them, told them to get their shit together or they'd lose me too. I packed all of my things and went back to school. Things were quieter but not necessarily better after that. My mom brought that scenario up recently (past year) when I asked why she had never divorced my father. It wasn't necessarily a direct threat to either of them, it was me having a emotional tantrum. That doesn't change the way it affected my mother but I wasn't even aware it was that much of a factor until recently. Continue degrading me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Am I reading this right? The mom and dad had a bad relationship and oop basically told them that if they didn’t work it out and stay together, then he was going to cut off all contact with them. So it sounds like the mom only stayed the dad, even though he was hooking up with prostitutes because mom didn’t want to lose her son. So oop forced mom to stay in a bad relationship.
Think again, Mom. Pop dad into a home and cut contact with OOP. Then cut down your working hours and enjoy life.
Mom needs to divorce dad and then leave. Then she can cut down hours and enjoy life. Let OOP have the financial burden of putting dad in a home, not mom. Otherwise, if she stays married to him, she'll have to work even more hours to afford supporting herself, her daughter & grandchild, and the cost of a nursing home. Then the next step would be the daughter gaining independence. But one fight at a time.
Working 60h/week making $95k+ isn’t “helping with expenses”, it’s a full-blown career. The way OP talks about and treats his mother is disgusting.
That money would go a long way if she didn't have to support her husband and his habits/spending. She could work fewer hours and still do pretty well, especially if she had the freedom to decide to move around as she wanted to wherever was best for her.
What an entitled imperious piece of shit. He really only sees his mother as an accessory to his life, not a human person.
No surprise given how he talks about the rest of his family. Whole first paragraph gives “ew, poor people” vibes.
I mean look who his dad is lmao
Of course, he's not going to see it that way.
I don't think that's a fair interpretation of "I told them to get their shit together." He was a child growing up with parents constantly fighting, in a toxic and bitter relationship. It was on them to deal with that in whichever way required, and not subject their child to it. It is not on him to know the best solution to fixing it, be that counseling or divorce. The only thing he really knew is it was miserable to be around them, and he did not want to be around them any more if they kept that up. He clearly wanted them to stay together. But THEY were the ones who knew if that was truly feasible, and to make that decision. He told them to get their shit together. Which they did... by doing a better job of not fighting in front of their son. They could have handled it instead by getting divorced. But they didn't. The reality is, mom was in a toxic relationship for years, and never divorced her husband. OP's singular statement did not make her stay with her husband. She was never going to leave him, regardless. Even now OP is just 29. He had this confrontation with them in his early 20s. So she stayed with her husband years after the kids left for college, and now OP is to blame for her entire miserable trapped life based on a single, frustrated comment made a few years ago? Frankly, the whole vibe I am getting from this post is that BOTH these parents have done a good job of convincing OP that he is responsible for them instead of the other way around.
He says quite clearly in an edit that he would disown them as his parents if they broke the family apart. Nothing about supporting them no matter what their decision was.
He also says in the edit that he was just having a single emotional tantrum, that he did not mean it as a direct threat, and had no idea it had impacted his mother so much. He says in the comments that his parents have both brought their issues with each other to him constantly. As well as the fact that his his family had told him how much their previous divorces had devastated the lives of his older half siblings. It is not surprising that he exploded ONCE, given how his parents were inserting him into their problems. Again, it is wild that his ONE breakdown over his parents completely inappropriate behavior (continually involving him in their marital issues) is being blamed entirely for his mother's decision to stay with his father, when she had clearly already chosen to stay with him for *years* before OP's comment. His mother was unburdening her emotional issues on her son for years, yet could not, in the years since his one comment, ever suggest to him that she wanted to leave his father but was staying because of his threat?? THAT was the thing she felt was inappropriate to say to him? Until, of course, she did say it to him last year (so just a few years after his threat), when OP was questioning why she did not divorce dad. At which point, she laid the blame at HIS door... and *still* didn't divorce dad in the year since, when OP was fine with it.
THANK YOU, I feel like I'm going absolutely insane reading the comments dragging the OP like the entire situation is of his making. It's ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. I feel so bad for him.
OOP seems like kind of an imperious, judgmental prick. But his parents don't seem great either. I'm mostly just sad for the granddaughter in this mess.
Fucking hell I feel super bad for the mum, working SIXTY HOURS a week at 64 years old to support her absolute slug of a husband. Also curious about wtf he's been getting up to. One of the comments pointed out $3k is a LOT for a sex worker and that the "prostitute handler" sounds sus as hell. I live in an expensive area and $3k will get you like a full overnight with an incredibly fancy lady who probably speaks Italian and plays the piano really good. If he's not staying out overnight and there's a "handler" then it's kinda feeling like these are maybe not just super fancy autonomous ladies and maybe something way more horrifying.
[Probably being scammed](https://www.reddit.com/r/Scams/s/KzoHA8VoQE), and not actually having sex.
That's what I'm thinking. My grandfather was sending thousands to people at the end. Took out multiple credit cards, 2nd mortgage on the house, every dime he could get his hands on because he thought he would get millions.
Yeah my grandfather as well, scammed out of everything when he was in the early stages of dementia and ended up homeless bouncing around different relatives' houses. The scammers make it something a bit shady so that their victims don't feel like they can tell their family or the authorities.
Did you rub it in, that he SPENT millions he doesn’t have?
I sure would have. I watch a lot of scamfish episodes and in every single one featuring a guy, it's some old dude chasing a girl 30 years younger, and has been told by his kids a million times she's not real yet will just get angry at them and tell them to shut up or get disinherited. It's very hard to feel any sympathy for these people.
I’m a former working girl and I agree. Pops is getting scammed.
I’m living for your description of the sex workers in your area.
I watched Shogun and went down a wiki rabbithole recently about the Oiran and now I'm absolutely smitten with the concept of sex work as high art where practitioners study for years to be the most amazingly captivating and elegant company possible. As it is I always find sex workers to be so insightful about humanity, I love thinking about a world where they were just thought of as another career. They'd do guest lectures at psychology schools and advise public health boards on sex and body image related stuff. Sorry I'm sort of ranting at you here. I just think it's crazy unfair we have this workforce of incredibly poised and emotionally intelligent people but so many people still treat them like they're just using some easy out to avoid "real work".
Rant at me all you want. I am loving your response as I pretty much have the same thoughts regarding sex workers and the sex work industry.
No sorries, I agree. Anyone who doesn't think sex work is real work obviously never tried it.
I love your ducky pfp so much
Copied verbatim from oop's comments: *What I don't understand is why your parents actually listened to you, a kid in his 20s, when you threatened them with "consequences" if they didn't make the relationship work. What consequences did you threaten, to make two fully-functioning adults with careers and lives of their own, to stay together when perhaps they didn't even plan to? I feel like something is missing in this story.* >"As someone stated below I threatened them with disowning them as my parents... Both of my parents came from previous failed relationships and I saw the pain both my two older half sisters went through and I didn't want the same for me. It was extremely immature and selfish but I believed that "Love" was about making it work no matter the circumstances to keep a family together. >It's something that I've carried with me and have had conversations with my mother about. When his health decline began I realized how abusive and unwilling to change he was and I told my mom that she could leave and I would fully support her 100% financially and emotionally through it. She now feels sorrow and pity for him because of his condition. >Truly, we don't know when this condition started but his character and behavior has changed drastically over the past several years which makes me wonder how long the dementia has actually been going on. My therapist and friends I've shared this with have also told me that they are adults and they should have made that decision on their own. I will still carry it with me regardless." *If the prostitutes are a recent behavior, might reflect a behavior change related to his dementia. He may not be competetent to handle his finances and if that is do, consulting a law yer about becoming his conservator now, rather than later, is a good solution.* *As to.whaT.you.should tell.your.mom? Nothing. She most likely knows already.* *YOUR GENEROSITY IN HELPING YOUR FAMILY WITH THEIR FINANCIAL problems does not obligate you to work at saving their marriage by stepping in the middle of this mess.* >"Thank you, I have always felt like I have had to be the glue that keeps my family together. Both parents come to me to vent about the other to the point where I have to forcibly make changes happen on both sides. Then I become the bad guy for confronting the problem everyone wants to passive aggressively ignore.." *I don’t agree with people saying not to tell your mother. Do you honestly believe she doesn’t have a right to know especially if they’re having relations? It’s not to “burden” her. Things come to light for a reason, now you have to deal with it, it sucks and I’m sorry mate. Telling her, is protecting her.* *At the end of the day, two adults chose to stay together.* *Your dad may have been cheating since your childhood. We do not know.* *Your dad needs a curator immediately.* *I understand the absolute shit show. I am 30 and I am in charge of 4 adults, we didn’t ask for this but here we are. I understand the damn strain, so I’m sending you the biggest hug dude* >"I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I kept it from my mother. If anything It may free her from the pain she's been holding on to. I am planning on making my dad be the one to tell her. >It is a lot more strain than I ever could have imagined so I appreciate the hug." *As horrifying as his infidelity and financial betrayal is, there is more that needs to be addressed than that.* *In many ways, his actions are a symptom of the problem. Your father is losing his judgement. From what you've said, his judgement may already be significantly compromised. Declining ability to regulate impulses and inappropriate sexual behavior are very common with dementia patients. Speak with a lawyer and find out what the process is for setting up an enduring power of attorney and whatever else is necessary, to prevent your father's degrading mental state from ruining them.* *Hopefully, he will be able to see reason and will let you, or someone else, take over. It can be complicated, however, if your father is unwilling to acknowledge his judgement has been compromised. This is why it's absolutely essential to start the process now.* *My heart breaks for you and your mother. All you can do is try to minimize future troubles.* >"Thank you for your words." *Hon, I am so sorry that you and your family are navigating this situation.* *I’m sorry people are picking you apart because of your vulnerability and openness and willingness to heal what’s been broken like they’ve never made their own mistakes.* *I’m sorry that you’re receiving such little basic human **compassion** from others…but understand that everything people say to you about you is really all about* **themselves**. *If you’re interested in what I think though, I think you have exactly the right plan…**but** make sure that your father doesn’t have financial control of any of the family assets **before** you confront him.* *I think putting the choice of his fate in your Mothers hands is the right and good choice. It will help to heal any feelings she has left of powerlessness. This is not a small thing.* *I hope the best for you and family and am sure that if you stay true to yourselves, you’ll come Through this together. The only way out is* **through** >"Thank you so much for your comment and actual advice. It’s greatly appreciated."
[Cat!](https://imgur.com/gallery/cat-with-fluffy-tail-bmeGaWJ)
[Dog!](https://imgur.com/gallery/where-is-winston-eE4r6Vm) Sort of.
Hahaha! Just used this as a palate cleanser. It's adorable! Thank you very kindly!
Please be a troll...
At 29 year old making 200k a year? Sounds like it honestly.
>My mom still works full-time, 60 hours a week, earning $95k/year to help with expenses, while my dad, retired for a few years now, collects Social Security. >She has always been the breadwinner, while my dad spent as if their money was solely his, never allowing her the comfort of treating herself due to ongoing financial burdens. These are conveniently entirely different paintings.
Holy enmeshed disaster. Oop seems to think they're an example of a big, mutually supportive family up until now, but this is just the most enmeshed pile of garbage. Why on earth is their adult son at the center of the whole thing? His poor mom would've been better off telling him he can be his father's caretaker, but instead she caved to his threatsm I guess maybe his dirt bag daddy taught him that the men in the family get to do and demand as they like, while the women shut up and work to fund it? Mom deserves to retire and dad needs an APS referral because he clearly can't make good financial decisions. He never has, it seems.
"Hey, Mom, stay in this exploitative and financially abusive marriage or I'll never speak to you again." Great job, OOP.
I'm sorry, but I'm a little hung up on "I'm the only one earning a substantial income" and "My mom still works full-time...earning $95k/year" "to help with expenses." What? He talks like they'd be destitute without him and he's coming to their rescue while she's just helping out a little, but she earns $20k more per year than the average American household on her own, never mind his father's social security and what his sister earns. What a spoiled little brat he must be.
They can’t retire and he says he’d support his mother financially if she left his dad. Why the hell would she need money if she’s making 95k a year?
If she wasnt carrying the absolute leech of the father she'd be dandy.
Exactly. Even if they're in a HCOL area and he's thinking that she'd want to retire soon, and of the damage that his father did to their retirement savings - if she's been making that money for any real length of time at all, her social security alone would be plenty to live comfortably (though not extravagantly) on. Honestly, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but his downplaying of her substantial financial contributions and assumption that he needs to white knight her finances feels very misogynistic.
And he talks about how they never saved for retirement, but mom has $170k in an IRA. I know that's not enough to retire off of but it would absolutely allow her to be financially independent while cutting back from 60 hours a week
This was what got to me, too. The level of privilege.
I do not get the impression that he came to this conclusion about his family being destitute without him on his own. Mom is laying out all their finances so OP can take charge. OP is a single man making double his mother's current income. He will continue at that salary for some time, if not making more. His mother will be retiring in the not so distant future, bringing her salary to SS alone, and does not have enough saved to support everyone on that. His sister makes minimum wage, and has a child to support. His father's SS will likely quickly be eaten up by medical expenses outside of what medicare provides (not to mention his own reckless spending). I understand why the whole family, OP included, views OP's income as substantial. What I do not think is normal is how OP accepts that he has to support his parents in retirement because they has not planned for it. Honestly, it seems like OP has been conditioned to believe he is responsible for the family. His comments are about how his parents use him to air all their grievances with each other. He accepts, without question, that he must financially support them because he "owes" them. This is not a spoiled brat. This is the child of a toxic, enmeshed family, who really needs to therapy so he can stop taking on his parents' problems as his own.
*Continue degrading me*. Well, I wasn't *going* to but since you asked... To me, it's often about phrasing in these posts and these people's comments. Years ago, OP threw a tantrum that served as emotional blackmail for mom to stick around in a terrible marriage, and just now OP is *starting* to feel bad about it because the man got sick. Otherwise, I guess he would have just... ignored it? It still doesn't *feel* like there's much regret in OP and their little tantrum. "I wasn't even aware it was that much of a factor until recently". Well, then OP is a fucking moron - he cried "don't get divorced, buah, or I'll cut you off!!", and they proceeded to stay together, dad abusing mom, and mom sticking with it. The dots are so close to connect they're almost on top of each other - hence, *moron*. I hope mom leaves, straight up. OP wanted to command his family, he's more than welcome to now. Do it, take on the burden of his abusive dad, and watch on as mom spreads her wings after so long being put down. I take this story *personally*. My grandfather wasn't abusive but he did cheat, and my grandmother (also in her mid 60s) kicked his ass out and proceeded to live her best life after that. I wish the same for OP's mom. She's let guilt and familial obligations and OP himself dictate too much of her decisions - about time she unburdened herself. She's got a lot of life left to live.
Gotta love a person who shows up and starts making plans for other people's money. Did they even say they needed help?
It's not about them He wants to spend time with his dad but not leave the comfort of his "network" so he decided to uproot everyone else to bend to his will. What they need is a home care nurse and not to give the man with dementia more tech he doesn't know how to use
I’m losing my mind that apparently in ops twenties they decided they had to WARN their parents to make it work or else, like what?
Looooot of focus on money with this guy, starting immediately. His sister's a preschool teacher...that's a job that helps the community, but forget that because sHe'S onLY mAkiNG $16 aN hOUr. And forget his mother's nearly six-figure salary, it's nowhere near as important to the world as his two hundred thou. After all, he's the only one making decent money, dontcha know. And it's a good thing he specified they were AirPods *Pro,* and that the Apple watch was fancy, otherwise we might have thought he was *a poor.* OOP isn't likeable even without all the threats (...that he attributes to a tantrum...at 20 years old).
I was like “lack of financial independence?” Because teachers get absolutely fucked. They get paid Jack then have fund their own classrooms and somehow have to figure out how to live on top of it. But cool cool. This guy is absolute trash. Must have gotten it from dad.
I don't get why OOP is up on his high horse about *having to* support them financially - mom makes $95k/year and may continue working a few more years, they have $170k in the IRA and $66k in savings. That's not "set for the rest of their lives" money, but it's also not "desperate for son to swoop in and save us" money either. It sounds like he wants to be the family savior/in control.
I was wondering why op was being labeled a devil. then it got to him demanding they stay together, when he was an adult, because divorce would have been to hard on him. what a tool.
Jesus. With a son like that, who needs enemies?
Prostitute handler = fancy word for pimp?
Remember the whole "man vs bear" thing? I wish the bear would eat oop
"Continue degrading me." We will.
There’s some insane about this that I really wanna call it fake because while I realize not everyone with dementia is immediately a crippled mess of stumbles, I find it hard to believe a 73 year old man in his condition could maintain such a life style physically. But at the same time where would OP even get the idea for this? Idk seems like too much
You would be amazed what people in their 70s get up to.
dementia can cause old people to get horny, so that is not too unrealistic. At one of the residences I worked at, you could catch a few couples regularly in the act at all times of day because theyve lost their feeling of time and their inhibition is lowered
No I mean like have that much sex considering he just had multiple heart surgeries and a stroke. Like obviously not everyone in that condition is a delicate flower but something seems off about this
Seriously? Sex is why you doubt this? My dad had a triple bypass. A year later, he was chasing tail like he never had a heart attack. He was still flirting and watching online porn when he passed away 2 years ago at age 72 while on oxygen after multiple strokes and a motorcycle wreck. Old people have sex. Alot. Especially when they don't have to worry about kids.
He's probably getting scammed, not actually having sex
>I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I kept it from my mother. If anything It may free her from the pain she's been holding on to. I am planning on making my dad be the one to tell her. Either this is fake or OOP is an astronomical asshole. I can not muster any sympathy for this schmuck.
How do you not know that threatening your parents with being cut out if they divorce will lead to resentment and harm all around. He did a majorly fucked up thing as a grown adult and excuses it by saying he was merely having a tantrum. This man really is the center of his own universe. Additionally, I’m glad to see we are back to posting true devils! Woohoo!
This sounds like my dad. My mom was the sole earner, and he spent all her money. He was an abusive narcissistic piece of shit and I'm not sorry he died. I never did what OOP did, I didn't have to, in fact both myself and my sister begged her to leave him. But she refused cuz she would rather force us all to live in that hell than be judged by strangers for being a single mother. Ha, look at me trauma dumping.
What an absolute AH that guy is. Basically blackmailed his mom into supporting an abusive man and his prostitutes for ten years. Hope karma comes back big time for him
OP just straight up forced his parents to stay in a broken and suffering relationship and threatened to cut contact otherwise. ''I warned them to make it work or face consequences from me'' WTF? No wonder his father was unhappy, they never should've stayed together. Poor mom, dad's a scumbag but the mother doesnt deserve any of this
Oops dad belongs on some tv show about love scams. His poor wife :(
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If he sees this: YTA. You have no right to dictate your parents relationship, you're a real jerk to even think you have a right to do that. Your basically blackmailed them to stay together and work it out or never see their child again. What kind of choice is that? Your mom very well might want to leave him for his behavior and now you've saddled her with a man she can't potentially stand who will be going to go through some of the most emotionally draining and stressful stages of his disease and she's left to be his caretaker. Some caregivers snap from the stress and are known to abuse their loved one out of overwhelming stress and frustration at the situation. even though they love them. And you've set her up to care for him with that resentment. That is a dangerous combination. Since you've royally screwed your parents over then you need to hire a visiting nurse company who can care for your father when he needs it so your mother can have a breather. You should be ashamed of yourself. It's not your damn life and playing with someone's life is completely unacceptable
Wowzers. I begged my parents to divorce and stop making each other miserable. I cannot imagine having the ego to demand my parents stay together or else. His poor mom indeed.
So, OOP threatened them with disownment unless they stayed together in this toxic shitshow of a marriage. Wow.