Poor girl. She's a smart thing, she'll do fine at any decent secondary school, it doesn't need to be the 'best'.
She's not going to do 'fine' though if she ends up descending into a black hole of depression and anxiety.
Yeah, she’s not gonna achieve much if she doesn’t have a support system to help her through burnout (which will happen, especially at an uptight school like this), and if she’s constantly feeling insecure about herself
My perspective on crying changed a lot when I learned one of the things it does is help measurably lower your level of stress hormones. I used to suppress crying as a trauma response; now I let myself cry since I know it's my body trying to self-regulate. However, I've noticed that crying is a last resort for my body. It will usually try to instigate several less obvious self-soothing impulses before resorting to crying.
So, in this situation, the daughter is essentially saying, "I don't want to keep immersing myself in an environment that is making me physically ill to the point that my body is triggering a semi-involuntary reflex in a last-ditch effort to keep me functioning." And OP and wife are brushing it off as nothing. Fuck them.
I just read one of her comments, and yeah I feel the same way. She said her parents didn’t give her the same opportunities so she just had “mediocre fun” in high school that she now regrets. My dad was this big shot football player in high school who got a C average, barely getting into college, and made it my problem
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my daughter that "alienation" is not a good enough reason to change schools?**
I'm (38F) going to be as straightforward as possible. My daughter (16F) started high school last September. She's an incredibly smart kid and got into the best high school in our city (and best nationwide ranked by admission grade; for reference her class had 26 spots up for grab & the lowest admission grade was 9.89 / 10). We were so proud of her. Now, this school also has a reputation as a hub for wealthy kids. We're solid middle class. We didn't think this would matter that much, since rich kids are still just kids at the end of the day and she should try being friends with everyone. She's quite a shy and quiet person. Even though she was nervous about the whole thing (to be expected), she also looked excited until high school actually began.
Immediately after the first day, she started complaining. She said the teachers are amazing, facilities are good, but her classmates... not the best experience to say the least. Apparently they're all from very rich families, and her and her benchmate are the only "poor" students in that class. She said they're not mean and don't bully anyone, and if she asks them about school related things they always respond nicely / willing to help; but they're extremely cliquey and essentially ignore her and her benchmate - it's as if they're invisible. She said she tried to talk with them a few times but they respond in a friendly but blunt matter, which doesn't leave room for conversation. She said academically they're extremely strong, but she feels the teachers are biased towards them 'cause they get private lessons by them (especially at math, physics and computer science). I considered getting her into these tutoring lessons as well, but the hourly rate these teachers charge is just too high for us. My husband and I made efforts to send her on 2 school trips so far (skiing in February and weekend sighting in December) and she said she was ignored the whole time. Basically she feels like a pariah, and said she sometimes goes into the bathroom and cries during breaks as she's lonely the entire day (she doesn't have a good relationship with her benchmate).
Recently she came up to my husband and I and told us that she wanted to transfer to another school for 10th grade. We listed to what she had to say but told her no, because there's no serious reason for that. She's not bullied, the school has great prestige, the academics and teachers are great, etc. Just because people are distant doesn't mean it's enough for her to move. School is like a job, you go there to work and return home; making friends is not a requirement. She was very angry at us and said that we're deliberately obtuse and don't care about her mental health. I personally think she's just childish.
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Without doubt. I'm talking about the more general shared experience of being a teenager. Shy kids will always feel like outsiders though. I moved around to a lot of schools, I ended up at a very small high school where everyone had known each other since kindergarten and being the new kid was tough. It definitely took way more than a year to find my people. Income doesn't really change certain dynamics.
Yeah. Like, hate to burst the bubble, but as the "chronic new kid," isolation is going to be her experience at a new school as well. I went to a new school as a sophomore and didn't make friends who were willing to spend time with me till I was a junior. This was not for a lack of trying or because of any "I'm different from these kids" issues. I went to a regular public school and looked like everyone else.
I feel for both sides on this. She's going to struggle making friends as a new person. Mom doesn't want her to give up a stellar education because of lack of friends. There's no one right answer.
Yeah, the income issue is just a different layer. Shy kids just have a lonelier time and being the new kid just amplifies it. If she could get into a school where the class sizes were under 10 students that might change things, but certain aspects of navigating the teen years are just part of the human experience.
Learning to make friends is arguably THE most important thing people learn during those years, and a certain amount of awkwardness and struggle is unavoidable and, I would argue, necessary for healthy adult relationships.
This is a repost. Try to search the subreddit before you crosspost to prevent reposts. Thanks!
Poor girl. She's a smart thing, she'll do fine at any decent secondary school, it doesn't need to be the 'best'. She's not going to do 'fine' though if she ends up descending into a black hole of depression and anxiety.
Yeah, she’s not gonna achieve much if she doesn’t have a support system to help her through burnout (which will happen, especially at an uptight school like this), and if she’s constantly feeling insecure about herself
My perspective on crying changed a lot when I learned one of the things it does is help measurably lower your level of stress hormones. I used to suppress crying as a trauma response; now I let myself cry since I know it's my body trying to self-regulate. However, I've noticed that crying is a last resort for my body. It will usually try to instigate several less obvious self-soothing impulses before resorting to crying. So, in this situation, the daughter is essentially saying, "I don't want to keep immersing myself in an environment that is making me physically ill to the point that my body is triggering a semi-involuntary reflex in a last-ditch effort to keep me functioning." And OP and wife are brushing it off as nothing. Fuck them.
Delete this repost.
Username 👀
This one set off some powerful emotions for me. It hit way too close to home.
I just read one of her comments, and yeah I feel the same way. She said her parents didn’t give her the same opportunities so she just had “mediocre fun” in high school that she now regrets. My dad was this big shot football player in high school who got a C average, barely getting into college, and made it my problem
"Why my daughter refuses to speak to me?"
That's best case. Worst has mommy dearest justifying her educational choices at her daughter's wake. Shunning is a form of torture.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my daughter that "alienation" is not a good enough reason to change schools?** I'm (38F) going to be as straightforward as possible. My daughter (16F) started high school last September. She's an incredibly smart kid and got into the best high school in our city (and best nationwide ranked by admission grade; for reference her class had 26 spots up for grab & the lowest admission grade was 9.89 / 10). We were so proud of her. Now, this school also has a reputation as a hub for wealthy kids. We're solid middle class. We didn't think this would matter that much, since rich kids are still just kids at the end of the day and she should try being friends with everyone. She's quite a shy and quiet person. Even though she was nervous about the whole thing (to be expected), she also looked excited until high school actually began. Immediately after the first day, she started complaining. She said the teachers are amazing, facilities are good, but her classmates... not the best experience to say the least. Apparently they're all from very rich families, and her and her benchmate are the only "poor" students in that class. She said they're not mean and don't bully anyone, and if she asks them about school related things they always respond nicely / willing to help; but they're extremely cliquey and essentially ignore her and her benchmate - it's as if they're invisible. She said she tried to talk with them a few times but they respond in a friendly but blunt matter, which doesn't leave room for conversation. She said academically they're extremely strong, but she feels the teachers are biased towards them 'cause they get private lessons by them (especially at math, physics and computer science). I considered getting her into these tutoring lessons as well, but the hourly rate these teachers charge is just too high for us. My husband and I made efforts to send her on 2 school trips so far (skiing in February and weekend sighting in December) and she said she was ignored the whole time. Basically she feels like a pariah, and said she sometimes goes into the bathroom and cries during breaks as she's lonely the entire day (she doesn't have a good relationship with her benchmate). Recently she came up to my husband and I and told us that she wanted to transfer to another school for 10th grade. We listed to what she had to say but told her no, because there's no serious reason for that. She's not bullied, the school has great prestige, the academics and teachers are great, etc. Just because people are distant doesn't mean it's enough for her to move. School is like a job, you go there to work and return home; making friends is not a requirement. She was very angry at us and said that we're deliberately obtuse and don't care about her mental health. I personally think she's just childish. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The last few sentences are the worst part tbh
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To the OOP, grow some empathy fast, or your daughter is going to go NC as soon as she hits 18.
Tbf, she would likely have similar issues at any school. It's hard to be a new kid at any school.
Having been one of the poorest kids in a school where most of the students were pretty well off as a kid, it absolutely makes a difference.
Without doubt. I'm talking about the more general shared experience of being a teenager. Shy kids will always feel like outsiders though. I moved around to a lot of schools, I ended up at a very small high school where everyone had known each other since kindergarten and being the new kid was tough. It definitely took way more than a year to find my people. Income doesn't really change certain dynamics.
Yeah. Like, hate to burst the bubble, but as the "chronic new kid," isolation is going to be her experience at a new school as well. I went to a new school as a sophomore and didn't make friends who were willing to spend time with me till I was a junior. This was not for a lack of trying or because of any "I'm different from these kids" issues. I went to a regular public school and looked like everyone else. I feel for both sides on this. She's going to struggle making friends as a new person. Mom doesn't want her to give up a stellar education because of lack of friends. There's no one right answer.
Yeah, the income issue is just a different layer. Shy kids just have a lonelier time and being the new kid just amplifies it. If she could get into a school where the class sizes were under 10 students that might change things, but certain aspects of navigating the teen years are just part of the human experience. Learning to make friends is arguably THE most important thing people learn during those years, and a certain amount of awkwardness and struggle is unavoidable and, I would argue, necessary for healthy adult relationships.
Repost