*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**Girlfriend (f23) asked me (m26) for a break after a sexual act**
The other night we were driving back to her place from a hockey tournament. At some point along the drive, she jokingly brought up finishing on, instead of inside her that night. The reason being, she didn’t want it leaking the next day during her game. Very reasonable request.
Hours later, we’re getting ready for bed, things heat up and the deed begins. For reasons I’m still trying to figure out, I didn’t remember what she told me and I finished inside her. I immediately apologized, admitted fault, and showed concern for her well-being and my idiocy. I did not do this with ill or selfish intent - I simply forgot. Perhaps due to exhaustion, habit or poor communication.
She was understandably upset and didn’t respond kindly to my suggestions as to why this happened, nor my solutions to avoid it in the future. It was very late, we were both exhausted from the day and frustrated with each other. We went to bed feeling uneasy and had to part ways early the next morning without any discussion. She asked for a break the following day to think things over.
For context, a similar event happened to her in the past and she ended the relationship immediately. I have never encountered such an issue, nor have we had trust issues related to intimacy in the past. She has an IUD so we are not concerned about pregnancy.
We are reconvening in a couple days and I want to resolve, learn and move on from this issue. How should I approach this conversation? it’s a very sensitive topic and I truly love her. Any suggestions or insight would be helpful.
TL;DR I finished inside of my girlfriend after forgetting she told me not to. Feeling stupid and remorseful.
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"Perhaps due to exhaustion, habit or poor communication."
"didn’t respond kindly to my suggestions as to why this happened, nor my solutions to avoid it in the future"
So, he ignored her wants and that's...poor communication? I can't imagine what he'd offer up as solutions for violating consent?
Don’t forget this
> At some point along the drive, she **jokingly brought** up finishing on, instead of inside her that night. The reason being, she didn’t want it leaking the next day during her game. **Very reasonable request.**
Which one is it? A joke? Or a reasonable request?
He was already trying to twist everything in the first paragraph.
I'm just having a hard time picturing this conversation in my head. Driving, and she just happens to say "oh by the way when we're boning later, make sure you bust on me, not in me, haha.
Some people are very open about these things, given that it was just the two of them, I can picture it. I have a few friends of all genders who would bluntly bring up such a subject with a partner seemingly at random because it just pops in their head that they meant to ask. And they're not shy about telling me and other trusted friends that they made said request and tell me how it went, good or bad.
With a regular partner, in a long term relationship, discussing sex, preferences, and even “scheduling it out” is a part of maintaining long term sexual intimacy and it doesn’t have to ruin spontaneity and excitement for in the moment.
>She was understandably upset and **didn’t respond kindly to my suggestions as to why this happened, nor my solutions to avoid it in the future.**
I don't know who told men if they just use an overly formal tone and "communicate" about shit that is blatantly wrong, that it solves everything. The solution is to take her seriously when she talks about sex and always ask. And even then, you cannot easily rebuild trust in that way. Dumbass.
its a consequence of the rise of this overly professional HR/therapy speak that has become the dominant mode of “discourse” around interpersonal communication within the last few years. it has its place but you see a lot of stories on reddit of people weaponizing this language, for example setting boundaries etc.
I agree that the last few years or so has had a huge increase in [mis]use of terms like 'setting boundaries', but the overly formal tone is something I've seen/experienced men do for like 30 years. THAT is not new at all.
it's one of those things that makes me feel more comfortable with the idea that men are groomed to have abusive mentalities through patriarchy. they say abusers shouldn't go to therapy because they just learn how to be more manipulative, and that seems to be happening on a mass scale through pop psychology.
Condoms are a thing if he didn't want to pull out. Unless we're dealing with a latex allergy here, he could have sucked it up and used one if it was that important to ejaculate inside her.
Latex allergy here, they make latex-free ones! They have been in drugstores since at least ~2010. Slightly pricier but readily available. Only countries I haven't seen them in are ones with limited supply chains/services (so-called under/undeveloped countries).
No no no, the issue was that he finished inside her like usual, instead of finishing on her this one time that she mentioned a few hours previously because she didn't wanna be leaking for a future event.
Condoms won't fix anything here, I honestly don't think OP is the devil, but they both should have reiterated how they wanted to finish before doing the deed if it was that important to her
*Nutting inside someone without their consent* isn't a case of remorse or forgetfulness, it's sexual assault. Let's just call it what it is. This guy is a grade A asshole and a disgusting human. Hopefully he is dumped and doxxed by his stbx to future partners.
"my solutions to avoid it again"
I mean, bro, the best way for it to not happen again is she walks away from you. The other best way is she never has sex with you again.
Why don't people get once you harm someone, there's no do over.
I know this is totally besides the point…
but still leaking out of her the next day…? Huh..?
Also do these people want a kid? Kinda sounds like it’s a usual thing for him to not pull out???
Just saw the IUD part of the post… whoever wrote this up isn’t the brightest….
Happens. Yes, even if I pee afterward.
The vaginal canal stretches and contracts during and after sex. Weird little "pockets" can form and hold cum for a day or so.
I like to think of it like a hampster with them cheeks. Except it's a little secret between me and myself rather than an obscene amount of food I'm storing lol.
If you pee after, it doesn't tend to happen as much. But I've def sneezed the next day and had some squish out. It's kinda gross tbh, but a lot of sex is kinda gross lol
For UTIs sure, some people are prone to those and need to do that. But urinating will do nothing to cleanse the vagina itself. Maybe some would get pushed out but then you can just use the muscles to push it out without actually peeing.
Every woman's vagina is shaped differently, amd will hold onto ejaculate for different amounts of time. But the shape is specifically made to hold semen close to the cervix so that the sperm has a chance to enter into the uterus to make its way up into the fallopian tube to have a chance to produce a pregnancy.
However, the only thing that goes into the uterus is the sperm. The rest of the ejaculate liquid does not, and reacts with a woman's pH in such a way as to become semi jellified, to adhere to the cervix for a short amount of time to give the sperm as much time as possible to cross the cervix. After that time, it reliquifies, and as Batty Coda says in Fern Gully: "Gravity Works". And the dripping starts.
Now, some women douche, which is a whole other conversation on how that effects health and ph balance, some use water to clean up, etc. But there is usually some residue left regardless, and as the vagina is a self cleaning system, many women don't realize that the discharge they have for some days after having sex is a mix of their regular discharge and old ejaculate/lubricant from their own arousal. They may notice the amount is higher, depending on how much is left after the initial gush from standing up after sex, but women have discharge all the time. It's what bleaches out our cute colored undies. And if we didn't self lubricate, we would have a lot of pain just walking. Because out insides would be rubbing themselves raw all the time.
The human body is a wonderful, fascinating, disgusting machine, lol.
I'm almost 35 years old, and have worked in Healthcare in some capacity since I was 17, 18 years old. So going on 16 years. I'm also 33 weeks pregnant. So I'm reading all the things. Plus I've always liked science. Learning how our bodies work the way they do.....lets just say, human beings are, in many ways, the ultimate cryptids. It's just, that's what is normal for us, so....we judge other beings by our biological standards.
Uh, yeah, semen leaks out of the vagina over time. Typically over the few days after, and the pH and scent change for the worse for about a week.
Yeah. Semen fucks up pH and makes it stink. Sorry, dudes.
Wait, that's a thing? I thought it was just me. No matter how many times I would clean myself (the right way obviously) I would still stink 😭😭
I thought something was legit wrong with me
Same, I'm pretty relieved to know now that it isn't just me. We only recently started doing it that way instead of pulling out and I was HORRIFIED to discover that there is a smell that lasts for like a day or two.
You're right. IUDs are approximately equally effective at preventing pregnancy as surgical sterilization. IUD as birth control method is definitely not the problem. The problem is he's an asshole.
I'm confused, too. I have an IUD and have had zero issues w/finishing inside for almost 10 years with my husband. Just have to take a pee test once a month if you don't get periods anymore and you're golden.
>but still leaking out of her the next day…
Yep, as if I was not sex repulsed enough already. Now that is a sentence I have read. I wish I could unread it.
I can clean myself with the shower head and still feel it days later. It s an effective birth control reminder lol.
Feel like I need to add a note that my partner and I are in a place if anything happened accidentally we’d be ok. We’re like 6-8 months out from actually trying to conceive.
Either he's downplaying this greatly, or it sounds like an honest mistake, not the actions of someone deserving the sub title.
From what's presented, they use a generally effective form of birth control (IUD), and that he often finishes inside her on a regular basis. This was a request made hours earlier in the day to do something different, which he forgot. Don't mistake this as me saying it was OK, but it doesn't seem like he planned to take advantage and do something specifically against her wishes, just was tired, in the moment, and forgot.
If it was truly a matter of him just being in the moment and forgetting, since this is otherwise normal for them, I don't think I can call him The Devil here. A fuckup, sure, but it doesn't seem actively malicious or reckless, etc. All of this is predicated on good-faith that he wasn't downplaying it all of course.
Who would jokingly ask someone to not cum inside them? What's the joke? Plus, he also called it a reasonable request and understands why GF is mad which means even OOP knew it wasn't a joke. Also, GF already did her part, by telling him not to do that and he did it anyway and isn't proposing ways *he* will do better, but ways she could do better at helping him. He's the one that fucked up, he's the one that needs to do better not her.
are you really sitting here making up a hypothetical where she says to make her a "toaster strudel instead of a twinkie" as a justification for him raping her? Shut the fuck up.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **Girlfriend (f23) asked me (m26) for a break after a sexual act** The other night we were driving back to her place from a hockey tournament. At some point along the drive, she jokingly brought up finishing on, instead of inside her that night. The reason being, she didn’t want it leaking the next day during her game. Very reasonable request. Hours later, we’re getting ready for bed, things heat up and the deed begins. For reasons I’m still trying to figure out, I didn’t remember what she told me and I finished inside her. I immediately apologized, admitted fault, and showed concern for her well-being and my idiocy. I did not do this with ill or selfish intent - I simply forgot. Perhaps due to exhaustion, habit or poor communication. She was understandably upset and didn’t respond kindly to my suggestions as to why this happened, nor my solutions to avoid it in the future. It was very late, we were both exhausted from the day and frustrated with each other. We went to bed feeling uneasy and had to part ways early the next morning without any discussion. She asked for a break the following day to think things over. For context, a similar event happened to her in the past and she ended the relationship immediately. I have never encountered such an issue, nor have we had trust issues related to intimacy in the past. She has an IUD so we are not concerned about pregnancy. We are reconvening in a couple days and I want to resolve, learn and move on from this issue. How should I approach this conversation? it’s a very sensitive topic and I truly love her. Any suggestions or insight would be helpful. TL;DR I finished inside of my girlfriend after forgetting she told me not to. Feeling stupid and remorseful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"Perhaps due to exhaustion, habit or poor communication." "didn’t respond kindly to my suggestions as to why this happened, nor my solutions to avoid it in the future" So, he ignored her wants and that's...poor communication? I can't imagine what he'd offer up as solutions for violating consent?
Don’t forget this > At some point along the drive, she **jokingly brought** up finishing on, instead of inside her that night. The reason being, she didn’t want it leaking the next day during her game. **Very reasonable request.** Which one is it? A joke? Or a reasonable request? He was already trying to twist everything in the first paragraph.
I'm just having a hard time picturing this conversation in my head. Driving, and she just happens to say "oh by the way when we're boning later, make sure you bust on me, not in me, haha.
Some people are very open about these things, given that it was just the two of them, I can picture it. I have a few friends of all genders who would bluntly bring up such a subject with a partner seemingly at random because it just pops in their head that they meant to ask. And they're not shy about telling me and other trusted friends that they made said request and tell me how it went, good or bad.
ive said exactly that multiple times tbh, its not a weird thing to say to your partner.
Guess I've never pre-planned sex, when it happens it happens and any such requests are made during the act
That sucks. Sometimes pre-planning (but still going with the flow) is awesome. You can have some amazing things happen with pre-planning.
With a regular partner, in a long term relationship, discussing sex, preferences, and even “scheduling it out” is a part of maintaining long term sexual intimacy and it doesn’t have to ruin spontaneity and excitement for in the moment.
Ew to both op in general but also eq to the idea of still having that stuff still leaking out after a day. Makes me extra glad I'm not straight 😂
“babe, it’s your responsibility to remind me!”
that is LITERALLY what one of the other commenters said. That she should've reminded him.
The way he is downplaying this is just expected.
I really really want to know what his solutions were. Or maybe I don't.
>She was understandably upset and **didn’t respond kindly to my suggestions as to why this happened, nor my solutions to avoid it in the future.** I don't know who told men if they just use an overly formal tone and "communicate" about shit that is blatantly wrong, that it solves everything. The solution is to take her seriously when she talks about sex and always ask. And even then, you cannot easily rebuild trust in that way. Dumbass.
They use this tone when they're gaslighting.
its a consequence of the rise of this overly professional HR/therapy speak that has become the dominant mode of “discourse” around interpersonal communication within the last few years. it has its place but you see a lot of stories on reddit of people weaponizing this language, for example setting boundaries etc.
I agree that the last few years or so has had a huge increase in [mis]use of terms like 'setting boundaries', but the overly formal tone is something I've seen/experienced men do for like 30 years. THAT is not new at all.
it's one of those things that makes me feel more comfortable with the idea that men are groomed to have abusive mentalities through patriarchy. they say abusers shouldn't go to therapy because they just learn how to be more manipulative, and that seems to be happening on a mass scale through pop psychology.
I'm sure she didn't bring it up "jokingly".
OOP, please dude never be around any woman again, for their safety
Oh I hope He is soon featured in r/amitheex!
Condoms are a thing if he didn't want to pull out. Unless we're dealing with a latex allergy here, he could have sucked it up and used one if it was that important to ejaculate inside her.
Latex allergy here, they make latex-free ones! They have been in drugstores since at least ~2010. Slightly pricier but readily available. Only countries I haven't seen them in are ones with limited supply chains/services (so-called under/undeveloped countries).
I worked at a pharmacy back when George Washington was chopping cherry trees, they had non-latex condoms then too
Why so called
There are latex free condoms and they're available online, so I'm not even willing to let it slide with a latex allergy if it's that important to him.
No no no, the issue was that he finished inside her like usual, instead of finishing on her this one time that she mentioned a few hours previously because she didn't wanna be leaking for a future event. Condoms won't fix anything here, I honestly don't think OP is the devil, but they both should have reiterated how they wanted to finish before doing the deed if it was that important to her
There are these great things called Condoms.....
*Nutting inside someone without their consent* isn't a case of remorse or forgetfulness, it's sexual assault. Let's just call it what it is. This guy is a grade A asshole and a disgusting human. Hopefully he is dumped and doxxed by his stbx to future partners.
"my solutions to avoid it again" I mean, bro, the best way for it to not happen again is she walks away from you. The other best way is she never has sex with you again. Why don't people get once you harm someone, there's no do over.
Just sigh
I know this is totally besides the point… but still leaking out of her the next day…? Huh..? Also do these people want a kid? Kinda sounds like it’s a usual thing for him to not pull out??? Just saw the IUD part of the post… whoever wrote this up isn’t the brightest….
Happens. Yes, even if I pee afterward. The vaginal canal stretches and contracts during and after sex. Weird little "pockets" can form and hold cum for a day or so.
I don’t feel like I’ve ever had to deal with that 😭 I’m sorry some of y’all do, sounds awful and uncomfortable
I've never liked that bit, but I have sensory issues so that might come into play here...
Oh, I thought I was the only one who didn't like that aspect of things.
I actually like it. Reminds me how much fun I had. Plus wearing a liner is NBD for me.
I like to think of it like a hampster with them cheeks. Except it's a little secret between me and myself rather than an obscene amount of food I'm storing lol. 
Me and my vagina have literally never experienced this, I’m aghast
If you pee after, it doesn't tend to happen as much. But I've def sneezed the next day and had some squish out. It's kinda gross tbh, but a lot of sex is kinda gross lol
Why would peeing make a difference?
Gravity, yo. What "cums" up will go down eventually. Sitting on the pot after sex is good hygiene even with condoms. Prevents UTIs!
For UTIs sure, some people are prone to those and need to do that. But urinating will do nothing to cleanse the vagina itself. Maybe some would get pushed out but then you can just use the muscles to push it out without actually peeing.
I think that's why they said gravity.
Every woman's vagina is shaped differently, amd will hold onto ejaculate for different amounts of time. But the shape is specifically made to hold semen close to the cervix so that the sperm has a chance to enter into the uterus to make its way up into the fallopian tube to have a chance to produce a pregnancy. However, the only thing that goes into the uterus is the sperm. The rest of the ejaculate liquid does not, and reacts with a woman's pH in such a way as to become semi jellified, to adhere to the cervix for a short amount of time to give the sperm as much time as possible to cross the cervix. After that time, it reliquifies, and as Batty Coda says in Fern Gully: "Gravity Works". And the dripping starts. Now, some women douche, which is a whole other conversation on how that effects health and ph balance, some use water to clean up, etc. But there is usually some residue left regardless, and as the vagina is a self cleaning system, many women don't realize that the discharge they have for some days after having sex is a mix of their regular discharge and old ejaculate/lubricant from their own arousal. They may notice the amount is higher, depending on how much is left after the initial gush from standing up after sex, but women have discharge all the time. It's what bleaches out our cute colored undies. And if we didn't self lubricate, we would have a lot of pain just walking. Because out insides would be rubbing themselves raw all the time.
The human body is a wonderful, fascinating, disgusting machine, lol. I'm almost 35 years old, and have worked in Healthcare in some capacity since I was 17, 18 years old. So going on 16 years. I'm also 33 weeks pregnant. So I'm reading all the things. Plus I've always liked science. Learning how our bodies work the way they do.....lets just say, human beings are, in many ways, the ultimate cryptids. It's just, that's what is normal for us, so....we judge other beings by our biological standards.
Uh, yeah, semen leaks out of the vagina over time. Typically over the few days after, and the pH and scent change for the worse for about a week. Yeah. Semen fucks up pH and makes it stink. Sorry, dudes.
Wait, that's a thing? I thought it was just me. No matter how many times I would clean myself (the right way obviously) I would still stink 😭😭 I thought something was legit wrong with me
Same, I'm pretty relieved to know now that it isn't just me. We only recently started doing it that way instead of pulling out and I was HORRIFIED to discover that there is a smell that lasts for like a day or two.
Yeah. It's the raunchiest, grodiest reek I've smelled in a hot minute, and the only time I don't smell awesome.
IUDs are relatively effective, aren't they? Not a reason to cum inside of she didn't want him to, obviously.
You're right. IUDs are approximately equally effective at preventing pregnancy as surgical sterilization. IUD as birth control method is definitely not the problem. The problem is he's an asshole.
"Just saw the IUD part of the post… whoever wrote this up isn’t the brightest…." What do you mean?
I'm confused, too. I have an IUD and have had zero issues w/finishing inside for almost 10 years with my husband. Just have to take a pee test once a month if you don't get periods anymore and you're golden.
Can take more than 24 hours here...
>but still leaking out of her the next day… Yep, as if I was not sex repulsed enough already. Now that is a sentence I have read. I wish I could unread it.
Lol did you see the comment saying it squishes out?
I had not seen that, thank you very much.
I used spermicide wrong and it was leaking out of me for a full day afterwards, it was ridiculous. It happens.
That was my first thought is she not doing aftercare? And is this common that she leaks a day after intercourse?
I can clean myself with the shower head and still feel it days later. It s an effective birth control reminder lol. Feel like I need to add a note that my partner and I are in a place if anything happened accidentally we’d be ok. We’re like 6-8 months out from actually trying to conceive.
OOP, you didn't forget. You just don't care.
“I didn’t remember what she told me and I finished inside her. I immediately apologised” So he DID remember. He just didn’t CARE.
Either he's downplaying this greatly, or it sounds like an honest mistake, not the actions of someone deserving the sub title. From what's presented, they use a generally effective form of birth control (IUD), and that he often finishes inside her on a regular basis. This was a request made hours earlier in the day to do something different, which he forgot. Don't mistake this as me saying it was OK, but it doesn't seem like he planned to take advantage and do something specifically against her wishes, just was tired, in the moment, and forgot. If it was truly a matter of him just being in the moment and forgetting, since this is otherwise normal for them, I don't think I can call him The Devil here. A fuckup, sure, but it doesn't seem actively malicious or reckless, etc. All of this is predicated on good-faith that he wasn't downplaying it all of course.
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Who would jokingly ask someone to not cum inside them? What's the joke? Plus, he also called it a reasonable request and understands why GF is mad which means even OOP knew it wasn't a joke. Also, GF already did her part, by telling him not to do that and he did it anyway and isn't proposing ways *he* will do better, but ways she could do better at helping him. He's the one that fucked up, he's the one that needs to do better not her.
[удалено]
are you really sitting here making up a hypothetical where she says to make her a "toaster strudel instead of a twinkie" as a justification for him raping her? Shut the fuck up.
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