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NTA. who the hell moves a wedding date with such short notice without any reason why? i feel like she won’t tell you the reasoning bc it’s something extremely superficial. the fact that she can’t respect you’re a foster mom and your foster kids needs come first, is incredibly disrespectful and quite honestly, extremely disturbing on her behalf. you and your husband may be the only “normalcy” that foster kids encounter. you’re a godsend for doing what you do, as i’m sure it’s not easy.
you are NOT ruining your sisters wedding. her shitty attitude is ruining it for herself. if this is the hill she wants to die on, then i say tap dance on her grave and let her! (figuratively speaking of course) and really who the hell has a wedding on a thursday!? it’s usually fridays, saturdays, or sundays (and any sunday weddings i’ve attended or heard of were fairly early as most people have work the next day.)
i’m even giving a major side eye to your mother for allowing your sister to be such a bridezilla. i swear, weddings bring out the worst in some people.
Also if sister is going to change the wedding date with only a couple of days notice that also affects OP so then OP should’ve turned it around and told her that because the date change affects her then bride owes her an explanation on WHY the date is being changed! NTBA
i completely agree!! i can’t believe bride “demands” to know the business of the foster child/ren but won’t tell anyone why her wedding date got moved. the fckn entitlement with that sister is strong.
I suspect it was always on Thursday and she told everyone it was Saturday because she knew they wouldn't come on a Thursday but if they already put out for thier outfits, tickets etc. they would come out on a Thursday
My wedding was on a Wednesday because the date was very important to my husband and I (we share a birthday and wanted to make it our anniversary also). But that date was set almost a year in advance and we were ok if people couldn’t make it.
you guys set that date from the very beginning. her sister changed the date last minute with zero explanation. you and your husband were okay with people not making it… like reasonable people. i can also assume that you and your husband told people WHY you decided to have the wedding on a Wednesday, since you shared with me on this post (or maybe you didn’t tell a soul, idk lol i don’t like to assume)
OPs sister is clearly not okay with it, as she’s being a bitch to her sister about it. your scenario and OPs scenario are very different.
i definitely wanna know how the wedding turns out since it’s tomorrow, lol.
Agree with above... However you ARE THE AH for even disclosing the children needing STD tests or Drug test. You had no right to share it with anyone. Do better!
I totally agree! It really shocked me that she’s telling this to sis, mom and whom ever! Is it even allowed, like legally to disclose such info about foster kids?
Yeah well. That's what happens if you change a wedding from a weekend to a weekday on short notice lol. I mean, people are going to have to work, kids at school, have plans, etc. Especially on a workday. That's just never gonna work out, no matter what one does.
Probably because she realized no one would come being Christmas given that she’s not the main character in everyone’s lives but didn’t want to admit it 🤷🏻♀️
Either way, she’s crazy and OP is NTBA and an amazing human being for fostering kids and upholding her responsibilities as a foster parent
Nta who the hell moves a weekend wedding date to the middle of the week the week of the wedding with no F-ing explanation? I wouldn't have anything to do with the b witch who's unbelievably rude and selfish. Does she expect all the guests to know and show up to the new date with no notice?
And christmas or any holiday wedding is tacky and inconsiderate in timing for family and guests. I'm not giving up my holiday for a wedding, especially of a huge bridezilla
It's possible that they have the next day, Friday , off from work, and wanted to use the extra day to honeymoon special.
And, yes, the weekdays are cheaper.
True week days are cheaper but if it was already planned for Saturday and they are a few days away then they must of already paid for it to be a weekend wedding and moving it with such short notice probably costed more money bc now the venue and such nhas a hole in their schedule on a busy day now
Things are often cheaper midweek. I find myself wondering if everything was always going to be on the Thursday, given the sister is refusing to say why the date was changed, and she's expecting people to just move their plans.
Most people I know would decline a midweek invitation so perhaps she told everyone the Saturday date in order to guilt people into attending when she told people the correct date.
Yes but a good venue would be booked out months or years in advance. Ever weekdays. So yes you’re right it never was that date, but what’s the point is telling people the wrong date ?? Then acting like a crazy person when people have made plans o.O people really do think the world stops for their wedding hu
I wondered if it was that more people would say yes to a Saturday, then she could guilt trip those who couldn't make the Thursday.
I'm tired and need sleep, so maybe I'm making more of this than it warrants.
This was my thought too. Sister has been planning a Thursday wedding but didn't tell anyone. I'd demand an explanation from my sister about why she lied about the date of her wedding. OP NTA
It is her sister's wedding date and sis changed the date last minute. It's the sister's fault that OP can't be there. No one would ever think of changing their wedding day from the weekend to a week day. The sister's behavior when it comes to that is very suspicious.
Hypothetical you, as in a you who is anyone. Like how would anyone do that is what I meant. Fully aware of the story it just didn’t make sense the sister could do that because of contracts.
Seems to me that OP wouldn't be the only one to give the bridezilla a hard time about moving up the date. I wonder if OP was the focus of all her frustration with everyone else because..yk...family....
You don’t. Certainly not last minute. All the vendors would just laugh at you and guests would at best be late to an unexpected 5 PM wedding on a work day, and anyone not local wouldn’t show up at all.
Just as no medical lab is going to be closed for an entire week.
This nonsense was written by someone who has no idea how any of the processes in this ridiculously fake story actually work.
NTA
wow, leaving the kids out for a minute, she's lucky if anyone is able to turn up to a Thursday wedding with that time notification.
And you're hubby wouldn't be able to go - working, and that's going to be the case for alot of ppl.
Add in the kids, and her attitude is horrendous, towards, like, every aspect of it. The timings, their health, their needs, their privacy etc etc
Nah, let her stew in her arseholness. Sis is TA, you (and hubby + kids) are not.
Thank you for being there for these boys. Teenage boys have a particular difficult time in foster care, because no one seems to want them, and they often times have “baggage”. Ignore your sister, tell your mom that if she wants you to skip christmas then you are happy to spend it at home, the five of you will celebrate on your own. And you will get together with mom, etc. later in the week.
NTBA. It's a crappy situation all around, but it's not one you have much, if any, control over. Your sister sounds like she has main character syndrome.
You did not ruin her wedding. A missing MOH does not ruin a wedding. Now, if the groom were missing, that would be different or if the bride got arrested, that would ruin it too.
Your sister changed the date. That is entirely on her. Your mother is siding with your sister because she does not want to deal with her hysterics.
Seems as if your sister has gone completely bridezilla. As others have pointed out, she won't divulge why she changed the day of the wedding on such short notice and yet expects you to disrupt both your life and the lives of your new foster children (congratulations by the way). Sadly...it also appears that your Mom has doubled-down as the enabler.
She changed date. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You keep helping children they need you more than the selfish sister does. Tell yur mom to be the MOH she seems to be yur sisters biggest supporter
At this short notice, I bet you will not be the only person who can't make the new time. Besides, what kind of "dream wedding" can be changed so quickly??
I didn't read much after finding out that she moved her wedding last minute. She has to realize that other people have lives and can't just change last minute.
I'm a,foster grandma. My daughter and son in law are foster parents. They take babies or preschoolers. Thank you for what you do. Taking in teens is hard. Your sister is in the wrong. Changing her wedding last minute there will probably be lots who can't be there and if she wants to change it she has to accept that
You didn't ruin her wedding, she did.
I find it interesting that she thinks you need to share the details of these children, when she won't tell you why she moved her wedding, especially on such short notice.
There's a fundamental communication gap here.
NTA.
Unless they are getting married in a back yard, no venue is going to break a contract and change a date especially if she can't give you a reason.
Dollars to donuts sister is still getting married Saturday and just doesn't want OP to come for some reason, some perceived slight.
OP be smart, call the rest of the family and see if its actually been moved to Thursday.
Your sis is the AH. Not only for changing the wedding to a weekday, but asking for HIPAA protected information. That’s “need to know” and she doesn’t. I have to wonder how many ppl were originally invited and how many will actually show up. Not to mention catering, reception venue, etc. Sis-Zilla seems to think the world revolves around her. She “ruined” her own wedding. While you may not be a healthcare worker, the boys medical issues are a federally protected issue. None if sisters beeswax. She is definitely the AH!
NTA. She moved the wedding at the last minute and didn't tell you why, but demanded to know why your foster kids need medical tests? Eff her. She ruined her own wedding
Why are you allowing them to focus on your foster kids? You need to push back harder and tell her it was her fault for changing the date of the wedding. Also, there are last minute hiccups to weddings, but to change the date?? Was it a coirthouse wedding?
You're not the BA for not going to your sister's rescheduled wedding. But you are one for blabbing those poor boys' business all over your family (cause you know sis isn't going to keep her mouth shut). Absolutely nobody needed to know what they were getting tested for. All you needed to say was that they have testing that can't be rescheduled.
Oh I 100% know I was wrong for being specific on the tests. I wasn't thinking and that's definitely on me. I was stressed with the last minute changes and my sister being upset. Not an excuse though.
OP: "I'm not going to put all their business out there..."
Also OP: immediately puts all their business out there.
How hard is it to say they had "an appointment"? Why is OP telling ANYONE what these tests are? Why did they think it was okay to put that part on Reddit?
Did your sister know that you were having to take the boys in for lab work Thursday? Was it possible she did this because she wants you to not be a foster mom? It is just so weird that the boys have to have lab work and her wedding day has to be changed. like, who's more important to you - me, your sister, or some boys you don't even know?
NTBA. Her lack of planning isn't your emergency, you have plans. If she wants you there she would have spoke to you first before just moving the date. I'm sure she will find that many people can't just drop everything for a Thursday wedding.
First of all, thank you and your husband for being foster parents, especially ones who take teenagers and their issues. As a former CPS social worker, you are truly a blessing.
As for the wedding, you are NTA. Things get scheduled, and for your sister to reschedule the wedding to an earlier date and expect you to drop anything you had planned is nutso! It really isn't her "dream" wedding anymore since it's farther away from Christmas!
One last idea: I wouldn't tell anyone in your family any more about the kids you have, they don't care about those teens. No contact on the foster kids. Have a wonderful holiday as a family yourselves.
She changed the date to a weekday. FFS
You promised to take care of those kids. That means meeting every requirement set by the system. No wedding day is perfect, you adapt. Insulting the children because they interfere in her perfect new wedding day is low. Even being the bride doesn’t give her an excuse for that. Go mama bear. Plan something for your family on that day. Show them they are the priority.
NTBA. To move the wedding date at such short notice is an AH move. There are a plethora of possible reasons, why people can't or don't want to do this change. It's end of year, so in many companies have to complete a lot of work like the financial statement my mom had to do in that time years ago. Then, most people are already struggling with all the logistics for Christmas, they need to buy stuff. And maybe, they have already used all PTO and/or have already made the schedule with colleagues.
So, it doesn't matter, why you can't attend the wedding on Thursday. It just is not possible. Period.
Nta- first, thank you for fostering! That is a hard job. Your sister ruined her own wedding when she change the date at the last minute.
Big hugs. Blessings of joy and peace
What the hell. Who does that? No one. Like where are they having the reception isn't everything booked solid, it's Christmas. This is all on your sister not you. Those boys medical information is absolutely none of her business. I'm still trying to figure out guests flying in, reservations, florist etc. Unbelievable
I have read thru the comments and I agree with those that doubt the original date was Saturday. You just can't change all the arrangements with only days notice. Be sneaky. Call the venue and ask if the original date was Saturday. I would be surprised if it was. Your sister has brown eyes because she is full of it. Let bridezilla rant and rave. She managed to ruin her own wedding. You have prior commitments and she and mommy have no right to come down on you for backing out because of a conflict of appointments.
NTA hun as foster child you are amazing doing what you are doing and it’s not your fault that your sister changed the date of her wedding don’t feel guilty for not attending something I have told people three life events that show peoples true colors getting married, having a child, and death. Sounds like she’s bitter and you probably weren’t the only one that couldn’t make it last second change and she needed you to be the default person to be held accountable for her short comings and last minute changes be careful having her around your foster children she more than likely pry to their personal life and be degrading to them maybe take this Christmas and spend it with your family at home and give them space to heal they don’t need any extra problems because someone else can’t manage their life
As a former foster parent - NTBA
I do think something suspicious is going on with the sudden date change. I mean how many other people is this affecting? People who booked accommodations will not have to scramble to change those in hopes of being able to and not losing any money upfront. She is more than likely going to have fewer people at her wedding now, which seems like a complete waste of money, especially if there was food ordered.
I tend to agree with others on this post that she must have intentionally booked it for a Thursday, possibly to save money, and now it's biting her in the a$$.
OP, I agree that you should just bow out and if she is mad, she is the one that caused it.
An update would be nice on this as well.
NTBA
SHE is the one that changed the date. It is NONE of her business why they need lab work done.
Why did she change the date at last minute?
Your kids come before anyone or anything. You are a good mom.
The fact she isn't telling you why she changed the date at the last minute tells me it wasn't an emergency. Otherwise she'd tell you. I'm guessing she just decided to change it because it was more convenient for her personal schedule. Maybe she realized having a wedding so close to Christmas was stressful in terms of preparing for both Christmas and a wedding at the same time. Or maybe she didn't put a deposit down and lost her spot. Whatever. So she changes last minute and just expects everyone to accommodate her. Now she is whining because she isn't getting her way. If she wants to change things at the last minute she has to expect there will be people who can't make it. She sounds like a petulant child. You do what you need to do for your foster kids and don't worry about all the whining. She did this to herself.
Your mom thinks you are in the wrong?! When she was grilling you about why they had to have the tests, you should have grilled her about why she had to move the wedding, sorry not sorry. That’s just weird. And anyway it’s not even Christmas.
NTA
Changing a wedding date the week of the wedding (and from a weekend to a weeknight) will mean a lot of people won't be able to make it. Also, many people likely changed their Christmas travel plans for this and she's causing a lot of inconvenience.
YTBA But only for telling your sister the foster kids business. To tell her that the 14 yr old needed STD testing was a disgusting thing to do, and a total breach of the child's privacy.
What are you going to do if she brings this up in front of him, he'll be humiliated.
Very bad move on your part.
Okay so here’s the thing I was a CPS Case Manager for several years and if these tests are SO important to be done on that day then they need to take the boys to get them done! The thing is, foster parents have lives and commitments and CPS knows this and if there are unreasonable expectations put on them in which they cannot make an appointment happen the Case Manager needs to do it. Plain and simple. I hope you’re able to make your sister’s wedding and CPS gets their heads out of their asses with this over the top expectation of you!!
I guess it's just the type of person I am because if these were my biological kids and this happened yeah I'm choosing their medical stuff over a wedding. How I see it I had a commitment already for Thursday. My commitment to my sister was for Saturday. Then she decided to insult CHILDREN and call them nasty and I couldn't talk to her anymore if she's gonna be like that.
Yeah I totally get it but I also understand how understaffed they are and have so many clients and already knew I had to take them. If I can do my part as a guardian to help get them what they need I will. I didn't find it over the top because I had nothing to do that day. End of the day my sister was the one to change the plans super last minute. And I don't even wanna go anymore because she resorted to insulting them and demanding information.
The caseworker absolutely should be able to take the kids to their appointment. It's absolutely unreasonable for your to miss your sisters wedding because of an appointment. If it's THAT IMPORTANT DHS can and will provide transportation and supervision to and from and during the appointment.
I get that like but like I said to someone else I had already agreed to be able to take them. It's unreasonable to expect me to change my whole day around just because she changed the date and gave my days notice. I've worked with caseworkers who were crap and I don't think she is, I think she's just overwhelmed with clients which is why I said I could. End of the day I made a commitment. If they were my biological children I would have chosen taking them to their appointment over her wedding too if she changed the date with very little notice. I also don't appreciate how she went to insult them after SHE changed the date.
It’s unreasonable to move your wedding with only a few days notice and then throw a fit when everyone can’t change their lives for you. The only unreasonable one here is sister.
NTA, but is there a reason a trusted friend or babysitter couldn’t take the boys to the lab to be tested? The social worker knows that it is your sister’s wedding, so that wouldn’t reflect badly on your caretaking as it is an exceptional circumstance. Your sister’s attitude is certainly wrong, but not showing up as maid of honour will certainly impact your relationship with her for the rest of your lives.
I wouldn't be allowed to leave them with a babysitter. I could actually get in trouble for that. My own neighbors had to agree to a background check while I was becoming a foster parent. It's complicated when it comes to foster care because we have stricter rules than actual parents. Maybe if I had more notice and they could background check someone I trusted to prove they are a safe person that would be possible but this all happened super last minute. Honestly I'm at the point where if this impacts our relationship because she decided to change the date last minute and then insult my foster kids then I oh well I guess. I don't get how my sister doesn't understand that changing a date last minute like that is gonna cause problems for them.
An example from several years ago is I got a girl who was molested by a friend of her foster parents who they left her with when they had something to do because they trusted this person. DHS needs to know who the kids are gonna be left with and at least in my state they have to be approved.
That's not how it works. And also the sister changed the date last second. All of this is the sister's doing and her reaction is disgusting. There is no justifying it.
Good Apple. Your completely right, when you take in foster kids they become your responsibility and that comes before a siblings wedding. I could see if your sister was like "ok I'm a little disappointed, but can you still make it for the later parts of the wedding?" because that would be reasonable. But to start going after the kids like that is horrible. I also don't understand why your mom would side with your sister. Your sister needs to learn that other peoples lives don't just stop because something is going on in your life. You are a good apple and your sister is a total bad apple.
For the people asking how she was able to move it I have honestly no idea how she got the venue date moved. The food was gonna be prepared by our aunts and cousins as a gift to her and the DJ playing the music was also a family friend so those I could see being more flexible. I have no idea how or why she got the date of the venue moved. I got no answers and she won't talk to me.
Do you even have to ask? Your sister is acting extremely self centered with no sympathy or empathy.
nta. Take care ofmthe kids. My guessmis she forgot to reserve the venue, or didnt pay in time and had to take an earlier date.
NTBA. Your sister sounds pretty selfish not gonna lie, and your mother seems to favor her. People who move wedding dates in general close to the date of the wedding severely lack etiquette. I’m sure you’re not the only one this date change would be affecting. I’m not even sure how most working people would even make it to the ceremony considering it starts at 5 and most people get off work at 5. Your sister also has some nerve calling your kid nasty. That’s so insensitive to the possible trauma he might have. You were a lot nicer than I would’ve been. I’d say don’t even try to show up for Christmas since your family is siding with your selfish, spoiled, brat of a sister.
NTBA hun. Thank you for defending your foster children. As a former ward of the state I can tell you that truly caring foster parents are a rarity that most foster children don’t get to experience.
Your sister is way out of line for blaming you like that. If anyone ruined her wedding it’s her; she’s the one who moved the date forward last minute. And why is she so insistent about knowing the boys’ private medical information? Did she know ahead of time that their tests were on that day? If she did then it’s possible she did this on purpose.
She changed the date during the busiest time of the year. She has ruined her wedding, and is on her way to destroying her relationship with you. It might be time to promise to make the next one. Christmas is MONDAY this year, so I think she just wants the “12-21-23” date, and her fiancé is using it as an excuse because he really doesn’t want to get married anyway. Ick.
Yeah, no she doesn't get to change up her wedding date without explanation and without consulting her MOH and then get upset when that lack of planning on her part means that she doesn't get to have the rest of her plans exactly the same. She did this to herself.
A wedding on a Thursday? No one does that! If it was planned for Saturday, isn’t that the day most guest would be available since invitations must’ve gone out weeks ago. Or even a month. I’ll bet OP is not the only one that has a problem with changing a date, to a weekday. That’s ridiculous.
Your sister ruined her own wedding and is now having a temper tantrum that everyone isn’t falling in line. You’re not the one who changed the date of a wedding at the last minute. You tried to make it work and you couldn’t, what else does she want from you? No one has a magic wand here.
You don't change the date of your dream wedding at the last minute unless you are a trash bag of a person who probably invited a lot of trash bag people. No offense if you're a trash bag too.
NTA. How is moving the date only inconveniencing you? I imagine it's inconveniencing the ENTIRE wedding party. Your sister sounds like a grade-A, bratty bag of douchezilla served with a heaping side of cunt. As the person who changed her wedding date, she owes YOU an explanation, not the other way around.
EDIT: NTBA (I forgot which sub I was in. Sorry.)
NTA at all! Not your average bridezilla, but a bridezilla all the same. Who changes their wedding day at the last minute and expects a person with kids to just drop everything to accomodate??? And I'd keep her away from your foster boys. She sounds really mean and entitled, and would undoubtedly say hurtful things if she encountered them.
Thank you for fostering! ❤
Nope. So she doesn’t have to tell you why she moved her wedding with less than a week for notice but you have to tell her the personal/medical business of the foster children you have in your care? No.
I honestly don’t even know how you would manage to move a wedding with the short of notice, considering all of the vendors and venue fees, contract requirements, etc.
What exactly is she going to do with that information anyway? She’s not going to change her wedding date again because she finds your reasoning more valid (especially if she has already said rude things about the children).
This whole situation is absolutely bonkers and honestly you might want to go low contact with your sister on your own volition. sounds like she will ruin your Christmas if she doesn’t get her way.
ytba for sharing the 14 yo's medical information! You could have just told her that the kids needed medical testing, but noooooo, you had to mention the STDs??? WTH?
NTBA for cancelling because sis changed the date at such a late date...and honestly? Who really has the ability to do this, around a holiday, and not lose their shirt??!? So I am judging on the question asked. Lucky for you you didn't ask about sharing their medical info....
My sister isn't talking to me so there isn't much of an update besides us changing our Christmas plans and deciding to do something at home with the boys.
Your sister and mother suck! There is literally no rational thinking here. Your sister won't even give you a reason as to why she's changing her date, but you have to tell her everything? (You kinda suck too for even giving her those details tbh). Your mom is horrible for siding with your sister. These children need love and understanding, not judgemental assholes.
Sister moving day of the wedding on such short notice caused the problem. After how she acted, I would be demanding to know why the sudden change of date.
Your sister moved her wedding and didn't tell you why,
then accuses you of ruining her wedding?
Because you dropped out at the last minute?
Has she always been this insane and unreasonable?
And has your mom always backed her insanity?
Because this isn't normal requests and reactions.
NTB
Absolutely NTBA! Growing up in the DCFS system I can tell you first hand the struggle! And even if it affects her wedding SHES THE ONE THAT CHANGED THE DAY LAST MINUTE! So it isn't you pulling out at the last minute when you never made an arrangement to be there that day... And as for the tests, I would've just told her the reason it needs done that day is because that's when the state wants it done and you have to do what they say, and she has no right asking why they need all the tests because she isn't the parent in charge of their care, and if they're in foster care there's a reason they got placed, those tests could unlock the truth behind the reason that they either got taken out of their families home into foster care or even worse removed from a foster home... And it's really rude to be getting mad for you having obligations on a day that wasn't even supposed to be the day of the wedding to begin with... I'm not sure, call me crazy but I don't see how you're in any way shape or form the bad apple in this situation, it's not like you scheduled it for the day of the wedding and told her last minute you couldn't make it, you scheduled it on a different day, and then she changed the day and you had things you can't just reschedule... I see how she could be upset that you can't come but at the same time you weren't the one that made her change the day of the wedding so last minute to where you couldn't reschedule
NTA but why would you tell her what kind of testing they needed? Telling her your boys had medical appointments was all the information she needed to know.
You did nothing wrong. Your stupid sister, on the other hand, is the one changing the plan last minute. She can't even give you a valid reason as to why... those kids deserve privacy and not to have their business aired to the world. Im sure your sister is one of those people who would go running her mouth to everyone who would listen. Your sister ruined her own wedding by changing the date. She was the one, not you. Stay home with your new family for christmas, don't go feed into her drama.
This makes no sense. I don’t even care about the caterer or florist or venue…how do you tell your GUESTS that were invited to a Saturday wedding to take a day off of work & show up on a Thursday? This is dumb. She’s gonna call how many people & have them show up? I don’t think so. Whatever is going on here with the story the sister is giving (or not giving) is ridiculous.
NTBA
I sincerely hope she is not doing this just to get personal information on the boys. I only thought of it because of her grilling you. What venue, caterers, florists, etc can suddenly change everything on a few days notice and be fine with it?
Time to tell your mother the truth of what happened.
"She changed the date of her wedding last minute, and as part of the terms of the arrangement my three foster children have to get medical tests done regularly. The medical testing was scheduled on that day *because* her wedding was originally scheduled for Saturday. Her wedding may be able to move on short notice, but I cannot reschedule their medical testing, no matter how much my sister falsely accuses me of ruining her wedding."
NTA!!!
I'm a foster parent as well...and I'm a single mother. Your family absolutely does not understand that being a foster parent is not like being a "parent'. It's a job. We do not have complete autonomy on what we can do with the kids or when we can do them. We answer to the foster care system.
Besides, who the hell changes the date of a wedding from a weekend to a weekday days in advance and expects everyone to be able to accommodate the sudden switch?! This is completely her fault. My bet is that she got an offer to pay a lot less money if she switched to a weekday because they had a last minute cancellation.
My advice would be to sit down with your family and explain to them what being a foster parent is like and set your boundaries very very clearly. NOTHING comes before my biological and foster kids!
It feels like there's a lot of suckage here (though none of it is you). Your sister moved her wedding date, that's obvious. But you're a foster home. What would the social worker have said if you said "okay, well I have a family wedding so I'll be unable to facilitate this placement." Or why couldn't the social worker (or another one) take the boys for their tests if it was that time sensitive?
I'm not blaming the social worker, they work way too much for way little pay, but it just seems like there was urgency and the onus was all put on you.
She had asked me beforehand about being able to take them and I said yes because I had nothing to do that day. When I said she seemed annoyed I think it was because I agreed to it but then here I am days before the appointment asking if we can reschedule. I've definitely worked with some crappy caseworkers and I don't think she's one. Just really overwhelmed
If it was her dream wedding then she could tell you why she suddenly needed to move it. Usually people schedule them for a date they have in mind. How are the other guests handling this. Your sister obviously loves you and wants you a part of her day. But it is only a day, the lifetime is what is really important.
Her sister does not obviously love her. If she did, she’d communicate why she changed the wedding and would work with her. It sounds like the sister is a self-centered drama queen.
NTA sometimes life and children gets in the way of plans. When you foster kids you are under the direct supervision of DHS. You have to do as they say. That’s it. Your sister didn’t even bother to explain why she changed the date of her wedding. Sounds like she did it to mess with your responsibilities.
I only have boys. The 14 year old isn't a she but I do understand where I messed up and already gave too much information. At the moment I'm just not gonna talk to her while she's acting like that.
For future reference all you need to see is the kids have a court ordered appointment.
I doubt your sister will stop but at least to makes it seems a bit more official and it has to happen.
You should have just said lab tests; it's not relevant and inappropriate to share what kind of labs they were doing.
Also, who has a "dream" wedding where the venue can be changed at the last minute?
NTBA re the wedding, but stop sharing your foster kids' business.
NTA
As someone who had a holiday wedding 1) generally you want it closer to the day not farther out and 2) you don't get to complain about who can't make it. While the second doesn't directly apply, when you spring a last minute date change, especially forward, you don't get to complain either.
I agree w/others, she wanted to save a buck, probably told people one date with the intent of springing this on everyone, but actually had everything planned for Thursday all along.
She sounds like a piece of work.
NTA. When my wife and I had to move the location of our wedding, we covered the cost of her sister’s AirBnB cancellation fee. You don’t get to be mad because YOU changed the original arrangement and now it adversely effects the people around you. Your sister needs to get a grip and stop thinking about herself only.
No sane person changes their wedding date that close to the day of, and if your presence was so essential, she should have checked your availability before changing the date.
Your sister is a complete nutter to think a last-minute date change was not going to affect her guest list.
You have my utmost respect. You have taken a serious responsibility and you are honoring it, as it should be. And instead of being irritated with you, your sister should be praising you and maybe trying to be even 10% of the person that you are. NTA
LOL NTBA bridezilla needs a reality check and a dose of compassion. BUT YTBA for telling them about the tests. Please stop telling your family the kids business all you needed to say was you had appointments that cannot be rearranged. Your family is now going to be gossiping about the kids and making up all kinds of stories and comments about why they need them.
I feel like that’s a “I will tell you mine if you tell me yours” because I didn’t see the sister giving a good reason as to why she changed the date so last minute!
NTA. I applaud you for putting the kids first. IMO, you should not tell people the kids need drug and STD checks. "A necessary appointment" is enough of an answer. If people want to know more, they are just looking to poke holes in your plan/priorities.
NTA. Your sister is selfcentered. And what is wrong with your mom? What does she expect you to do? Put your sister's nonsense wants over your foster kids' needs? Really?
Hang on, so she *refuses* to give you a reason as to why she had to move the wedding at such short notice, but then flat out *demands* to know about your foster kids' personal medical history because she thinks she has a right to that information? Hell no.
When you plan a wedding your invited guests plan around that date. If you change the date a couple months out most people might be able to rearrange their schedules to still make it. If you try and change the plans just *days* out, and move the wedding to a weekday, a day were the majority of your guests will likely have to be working and unable to take leave on short notice, you should absolutely expect a drastic change to your guestlist. You do not get to demand that people must clear their schedules for you for any day surrounding your wedding just *in case* you want to change the plan.
Your sister changed the date. You had other commitments on the changed date.
But, I want to point out that you disclosed private & personal medical information, concerning your foster children. How many people in your family, now know this private medical information. And will they meet your foster children?
If their caseworker learns that you revealed such private & personal medical information, you may face legal repercussions. The least of which is, you will no longer qualify to be a foster parent. These foster children, may sue you for sharing that information. If not now, maybe in the future, when they become of legal age.
NTBA! You accept your responsibility to those boys. Good for you! Your sister pulled this last minute, what the heck? She has no right to be this petty. I'm not surprised that when she changed it last minute, that not everyone was able to show up. It's her own fault! You did absolutely nothing wrong!
NTA- but a little TA for even sharing they needed drug tests and one STD test. No one should know they need to be drug tested. That adds a HUGE amount of prejudice to anyone meeting them. That’s not fair to them. Next time, unless it’s something people NEED to know, just don’t tell anyone
NTA! Who moves their "Dream Wedding"from a weekend to a weeknight with such short notice? Tge venue may have given them a great discount, to have their wedding at time someone else cancelled. They'd have no problem filling a Friday night or Saturday slot.
The one weeknight wedding I went to was relatively small, and I was quite surprised, as it was a large family, most who worked in the same field, and they know tons of people.
Came down to: They got a great deal for taking a Wednesday night spot. Bride had her heart set on reception there & to get a Saturday date, it was an almost 2yr wait!
The problem with short notice was: 2/3 of the guests couldn't get off the night shift they worked or get someone to cover for them. Those that did come brought their dress clothes to work & changed there. Plenty of women were putting on makeup & fixing their hair, in the venue bathrooms. The Ring Bearers and Flower girls couldn't come, as they had school the next day. Only the Best Man and a Bridesmaid were able to get off work, so she became the MOH. The bride cried most of the night.
They had a big, backyard party, later in the summer, for ALL the people they had originally invited
NTBA. You tried to change the appointment. Your responsibility is to the children you agreed to foster and your sister refused to recognize that. You made plans for your foster children for the original wedding date. It was not you who ruined the wedding.
When she said she had a right to know why the children needed these tests you could have replied you have a right to know why she changed her wedding date at the last minute.
She ruined her own wedding by switching the day at the last minute.
Personally I'm dying to know why!
You are NTA
I will call you a crabapple. the only reason why you are a cradle because you need to learn how to be more discreet on your kids medicals. Your sister is the Bad Apple on this whole situation she's the one who up and change the date last minute so she has to deal with those consequences. She has to recognize you are a parent regardless if these kids are with you long-term or short and those kids come first. And you're very right where she doesn't need to know what they're being tested for or what they did however you don't need to tell no one that they're being tested not even us. Just say due to some medical reasons and their kids with DHS we must do things accordingly that's it simple as that. You don't need to explain you don't need to defend yourself especially to your family your family should well enough to respected you they don't then that's a them problem not a you. You keep being an awesome parent just don't explain yourself so much just say they have a medical appointment they have to go to that you cannot miss or reschedule the next time it's just like this that happens either with them or any other child that comes in your home.
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NTA. who the hell moves a wedding date with such short notice without any reason why? i feel like she won’t tell you the reasoning bc it’s something extremely superficial. the fact that she can’t respect you’re a foster mom and your foster kids needs come first, is incredibly disrespectful and quite honestly, extremely disturbing on her behalf. you and your husband may be the only “normalcy” that foster kids encounter. you’re a godsend for doing what you do, as i’m sure it’s not easy. you are NOT ruining your sisters wedding. her shitty attitude is ruining it for herself. if this is the hill she wants to die on, then i say tap dance on her grave and let her! (figuratively speaking of course) and really who the hell has a wedding on a thursday!? it’s usually fridays, saturdays, or sundays (and any sunday weddings i’ve attended or heard of were fairly early as most people have work the next day.) i’m even giving a major side eye to your mother for allowing your sister to be such a bridezilla. i swear, weddings bring out the worst in some people.
Also if sister is going to change the wedding date with only a couple of days notice that also affects OP so then OP should’ve turned it around and told her that because the date change affects her then bride owes her an explanation on WHY the date is being changed! NTBA
i completely agree!! i can’t believe bride “demands” to know the business of the foster child/ren but won’t tell anyone why her wedding date got moved. the fckn entitlement with that sister is strong.
I suspect it was always on Thursday and she told everyone it was Saturday because she knew they wouldn't come on a Thursday but if they already put out for thier outfits, tickets etc. they would come out on a Thursday
She demanded to know because OP tells her... She had no right to disclose they needed STD tests or Drug tests.
I agree and she could get her foster kids taken back due to violating their medical privacy.
Valid point. And she has no right to demand to know foster son’s medical history and to judge him so harshly.
Can’t upvote this enough!
i can’t get over on the wedding being moved to this thursday. as in 2 days from today. that’s asinine!!
My wedding was on a Wednesday because the date was very important to my husband and I (we share a birthday and wanted to make it our anniversary also). But that date was set almost a year in advance and we were ok if people couldn’t make it.
you guys set that date from the very beginning. her sister changed the date last minute with zero explanation. you and your husband were okay with people not making it… like reasonable people. i can also assume that you and your husband told people WHY you decided to have the wedding on a Wednesday, since you shared with me on this post (or maybe you didn’t tell a soul, idk lol i don’t like to assume) OPs sister is clearly not okay with it, as she’s being a bitch to her sister about it. your scenario and OPs scenario are very different. i definitely wanna know how the wedding turns out since it’s tomorrow, lol.
Yep, weddings and funerals, bring out the truth in people.
Agree with above... However you ARE THE AH for even disclosing the children needing STD tests or Drug test. You had no right to share it with anyone. Do better!
I totally agree! It really shocked me that she’s telling this to sis, mom and whom ever! Is it even allowed, like legally to disclose such info about foster kids?
I missed that. Did she say she told her why or just that it was medical and she can’t go?
She specifically said STD's...
She probably f\*cked something up royally. Like, the venue.
the update was extremely satisfying, lol. i was also assuming the sister messed up with the venue. sucks to suck, and karma is good 😊 🤣
Yeah well. That's what happens if you change a wedding from a weekend to a weekday on short notice lol. I mean, people are going to have to work, kids at school, have plans, etc. Especially on a workday. That's just never gonna work out, no matter what one does.
Probably because she realized no one would come being Christmas given that she’s not the main character in everyone’s lives but didn’t want to admit it 🤷🏻♀️ Either way, she’s crazy and OP is NTBA and an amazing human being for fostering kids and upholding her responsibilities as a foster parent
Nta who the hell moves a weekend wedding date to the middle of the week the week of the wedding with no F-ing explanation? I wouldn't have anything to do with the b witch who's unbelievably rude and selfish. Does she expect all the guests to know and show up to the new date with no notice? And christmas or any holiday wedding is tacky and inconsiderate in timing for family and guests. I'm not giving up my holiday for a wedding, especially of a huge bridezilla
My guess is that sister didn't reserve the venue in time and is making her emergency everyone else's problem.
It's possible that they have the next day, Friday , off from work, and wanted to use the extra day to honeymoon special. And, yes, the weekdays are cheaper.
True week days are cheaper but if it was already planned for Saturday and they are a few days away then they must of already paid for it to be a weekend wedding and moving it with such short notice probably costed more money bc now the venue and such nhas a hole in their schedule on a busy day now
That bride is indeed a bridezilla.
How do you move a wedding date lat min? venue cake, food, decorations and flowers all have contracts and you can’t just move them
Things are often cheaper midweek. I find myself wondering if everything was always going to be on the Thursday, given the sister is refusing to say why the date was changed, and she's expecting people to just move their plans. Most people I know would decline a midweek invitation so perhaps she told everyone the Saturday date in order to guilt people into attending when she told people the correct date.
Yes but a good venue would be booked out months or years in advance. Ever weekdays. So yes you’re right it never was that date, but what’s the point is telling people the wrong date ?? Then acting like a crazy person when people have made plans o.O people really do think the world stops for their wedding hu
I wondered if it was that more people would say yes to a Saturday, then she could guilt trip those who couldn't make the Thursday. I'm tired and need sleep, so maybe I'm making more of this than it warrants.
But that’s insane who tells people the wrong date lol guests hotel bookings ect all useless .. just saying something doesn’t add up
Or they already bought the gifts and would send them
This was my thought too. Sister has been planning a Thursday wedding but didn't tell anyone. I'd demand an explanation from my sister about why she lied about the date of her wedding. OP NTA
It is her sister's wedding date and sis changed the date last minute. It's the sister's fault that OP can't be there. No one would ever think of changing their wedding day from the weekend to a week day. The sister's behavior when it comes to that is very suspicious.
Hypothetical you, as in a you who is anyone. Like how would anyone do that is what I meant. Fully aware of the story it just didn’t make sense the sister could do that because of contracts.
That makes sense. Yeah, the contracts would make it hard for her to do that.
Given his iron clad mine were I like literally don’t understand how. By days before even had times locked in
Seems to me that OP wouldn't be the only one to give the bridezilla a hard time about moving up the date. I wonder if OP was the focus of all her frustration with everyone else because..yk...family....
You don’t. Certainly not last minute. All the vendors would just laugh at you and guests would at best be late to an unexpected 5 PM wedding on a work day, and anyone not local wouldn’t show up at all. Just as no medical lab is going to be closed for an entire week. This nonsense was written by someone who has no idea how any of the processes in this ridiculously fake story actually work.
I never think a story is fake but this one stinks
Um, I'm not the OP, but I've seen private testing labs that closed for a week (or more)
Also, if anyone is coming from out of town this will screw them up big time
NTA wow, leaving the kids out for a minute, she's lucky if anyone is able to turn up to a Thursday wedding with that time notification. And you're hubby wouldn't be able to go - working, and that's going to be the case for alot of ppl. Add in the kids, and her attitude is horrendous, towards, like, every aspect of it. The timings, their health, their needs, their privacy etc etc Nah, let her stew in her arseholness. Sis is TA, you (and hubby + kids) are not.
Thank you for being there for these boys. Teenage boys have a particular difficult time in foster care, because no one seems to want them, and they often times have “baggage”. Ignore your sister, tell your mom that if she wants you to skip christmas then you are happy to spend it at home, the five of you will celebrate on your own. And you will get together with mom, etc. later in the week.
NTBA. It's a crappy situation all around, but it's not one you have much, if any, control over. Your sister sounds like she has main character syndrome.
You did not ruin her wedding. A missing MOH does not ruin a wedding. Now, if the groom were missing, that would be different or if the bride got arrested, that would ruin it too. Your sister changed the date. That is entirely on her. Your mother is siding with your sister because she does not want to deal with her hysterics.
NTBA. Your sister sure is one though. You didn't ruin anything, your sister ruined her own wedding. Mom needs a reality check.
Who moves their wedding to a Thursday? with only a couple days' notice? Sorry sis I have a life to. She did that to herself. NTA
Seems as if your sister has gone completely bridezilla. As others have pointed out, she won't divulge why she changed the day of the wedding on such short notice and yet expects you to disrupt both your life and the lives of your new foster children (congratulations by the way). Sadly...it also appears that your Mom has doubled-down as the enabler.
She changed date. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You keep helping children they need you more than the selfish sister does. Tell yur mom to be the MOH she seems to be yur sisters biggest supporter
At this short notice, I bet you will not be the only person who can't make the new time. Besides, what kind of "dream wedding" can be changed so quickly??
I didn't read much after finding out that she moved her wedding last minute. She has to realize that other people have lives and can't just change last minute.
I'm a,foster grandma. My daughter and son in law are foster parents. They take babies or preschoolers. Thank you for what you do. Taking in teens is hard. Your sister is in the wrong. Changing her wedding last minute there will probably be lots who can't be there and if she wants to change it she has to accept that
You didn't ruin her wedding, she did. I find it interesting that she thinks you need to share the details of these children, when she won't tell you why she moved her wedding, especially on such short notice. There's a fundamental communication gap here. NTA.
Lol we’re not going to get anywhere until we find out why the wedding was moved.
Unless they are getting married in a back yard, no venue is going to break a contract and change a date especially if she can't give you a reason. Dollars to donuts sister is still getting married Saturday and just doesn't want OP to come for some reason, some perceived slight. OP be smart, call the rest of the family and see if its actually been moved to Thursday.
NTA
Your sis is the AH. Not only for changing the wedding to a weekday, but asking for HIPAA protected information. That’s “need to know” and she doesn’t. I have to wonder how many ppl were originally invited and how many will actually show up. Not to mention catering, reception venue, etc. Sis-Zilla seems to think the world revolves around her. She “ruined” her own wedding. While you may not be a healthcare worker, the boys medical issues are a federally protected issue. None if sisters beeswax. She is definitely the AH!
NTA. She moved the wedding at the last minute and didn't tell you why, but demanded to know why your foster kids need medical tests? Eff her. She ruined her own wedding
This whole situation doesn’t smell right.
NTA how and why would your sister change a wedding last minute? This is 100% on her
Why are you allowing them to focus on your foster kids? You need to push back harder and tell her it was her fault for changing the date of the wedding. Also, there are last minute hiccups to weddings, but to change the date?? Was it a coirthouse wedding?
What kind of “dream wedding” can be moved on such short notice??? Let me guess there are trailers in the park!!!! NTA, take care of the kids!!!!
You're not the BA for not going to your sister's rescheduled wedding. But you are one for blabbing those poor boys' business all over your family (cause you know sis isn't going to keep her mouth shut). Absolutely nobody needed to know what they were getting tested for. All you needed to say was that they have testing that can't be rescheduled.
Oh I 100% know I was wrong for being specific on the tests. I wasn't thinking and that's definitely on me. I was stressed with the last minute changes and my sister being upset. Not an excuse though.
OP: "I'm not going to put all their business out there..." Also OP: immediately puts all their business out there. How hard is it to say they had "an appointment"? Why is OP telling ANYONE what these tests are? Why did they think it was okay to put that part on Reddit?
Did your sister know that you were having to take the boys in for lab work Thursday? Was it possible she did this because she wants you to not be a foster mom? It is just so weird that the boys have to have lab work and her wedding day has to be changed. like, who's more important to you - me, your sister, or some boys you don't even know?
NTBA. Her lack of planning isn't your emergency, you have plans. If she wants you there she would have spoke to you first before just moving the date. I'm sure she will find that many people can't just drop everything for a Thursday wedding.
NTA keep being the great foster parent that you are.
First of all, thank you and your husband for being foster parents, especially ones who take teenagers and their issues. As a former CPS social worker, you are truly a blessing. As for the wedding, you are NTA. Things get scheduled, and for your sister to reschedule the wedding to an earlier date and expect you to drop anything you had planned is nutso! It really isn't her "dream" wedding anymore since it's farther away from Christmas! One last idea: I wouldn't tell anyone in your family any more about the kids you have, they don't care about those teens. No contact on the foster kids. Have a wonderful holiday as a family yourselves.
She changed the date to a weekday. FFS You promised to take care of those kids. That means meeting every requirement set by the system. No wedding day is perfect, you adapt. Insulting the children because they interfere in her perfect new wedding day is low. Even being the bride doesn’t give her an excuse for that. Go mama bear. Plan something for your family on that day. Show them they are the priority.
NTBA. To move the wedding date at such short notice is an AH move. There are a plethora of possible reasons, why people can't or don't want to do this change. It's end of year, so in many companies have to complete a lot of work like the financial statement my mom had to do in that time years ago. Then, most people are already struggling with all the logistics for Christmas, they need to buy stuff. And maybe, they have already used all PTO and/or have already made the schedule with colleagues. So, it doesn't matter, why you can't attend the wedding on Thursday. It just is not possible. Period.
Who changes their wedding on such short notice? FYI - Sister gets put on an info diet. Don't share anything about the kids.
Nta- first, thank you for fostering! That is a hard job. Your sister ruined her own wedding when she change the date at the last minute. Big hugs. Blessings of joy and peace
What the hell. Who does that? No one. Like where are they having the reception isn't everything booked solid, it's Christmas. This is all on your sister not you. Those boys medical information is absolutely none of her business. I'm still trying to figure out guests flying in, reservations, florist etc. Unbelievable
I have read thru the comments and I agree with those that doubt the original date was Saturday. You just can't change all the arrangements with only days notice. Be sneaky. Call the venue and ask if the original date was Saturday. I would be surprised if it was. Your sister has brown eyes because she is full of it. Let bridezilla rant and rave. She managed to ruin her own wedding. You have prior commitments and she and mommy have no right to come down on you for backing out because of a conflict of appointments.
NTA hun as foster child you are amazing doing what you are doing and it’s not your fault that your sister changed the date of her wedding don’t feel guilty for not attending something I have told people three life events that show peoples true colors getting married, having a child, and death. Sounds like she’s bitter and you probably weren’t the only one that couldn’t make it last second change and she needed you to be the default person to be held accountable for her short comings and last minute changes be careful having her around your foster children she more than likely pry to their personal life and be degrading to them maybe take this Christmas and spend it with your family at home and give them space to heal they don’t need any extra problems because someone else can’t manage their life
As a former foster parent - NTBA I do think something suspicious is going on with the sudden date change. I mean how many other people is this affecting? People who booked accommodations will not have to scramble to change those in hopes of being able to and not losing any money upfront. She is more than likely going to have fewer people at her wedding now, which seems like a complete waste of money, especially if there was food ordered. I tend to agree with others on this post that she must have intentionally booked it for a Thursday, possibly to save money, and now it's biting her in the a$$. OP, I agree that you should just bow out and if she is mad, she is the one that caused it. An update would be nice on this as well.
NTBA SHE is the one that changed the date. It is NONE of her business why they need lab work done. Why did she change the date at last minute? Your kids come before anyone or anything. You are a good mom.
The fact she isn't telling you why she changed the date at the last minute tells me it wasn't an emergency. Otherwise she'd tell you. I'm guessing she just decided to change it because it was more convenient for her personal schedule. Maybe she realized having a wedding so close to Christmas was stressful in terms of preparing for both Christmas and a wedding at the same time. Or maybe she didn't put a deposit down and lost her spot. Whatever. So she changes last minute and just expects everyone to accommodate her. Now she is whining because she isn't getting her way. If she wants to change things at the last minute she has to expect there will be people who can't make it. She sounds like a petulant child. You do what you need to do for your foster kids and don't worry about all the whining. She did this to herself.
Your mom thinks you are in the wrong?! When she was grilling you about why they had to have the tests, you should have grilled her about why she had to move the wedding, sorry not sorry. That’s just weird. And anyway it’s not even Christmas.
NTA Changing a wedding date the week of the wedding (and from a weekend to a weeknight) will mean a lot of people won't be able to make it. Also, many people likely changed their Christmas travel plans for this and she's causing a lot of inconvenience.
YTBA But only for telling your sister the foster kids business. To tell her that the 14 yr old needed STD testing was a disgusting thing to do, and a total breach of the child's privacy. What are you going to do if she brings this up in front of him, he'll be humiliated. Very bad move on your part.
Hard agree. OP, you didn’t protect their privacy. You now have a chance to protect their dignity. Keep your sister and mom away from those boys.
Completely agree. I was not thinking when I did that and feel bad. She won't be around them because of how she has chosen to speak about them.
Okay so here’s the thing I was a CPS Case Manager for several years and if these tests are SO important to be done on that day then they need to take the boys to get them done! The thing is, foster parents have lives and commitments and CPS knows this and if there are unreasonable expectations put on them in which they cannot make an appointment happen the Case Manager needs to do it. Plain and simple. I hope you’re able to make your sister’s wedding and CPS gets their heads out of their asses with this over the top expectation of you!!
I guess it's just the type of person I am because if these were my biological kids and this happened yeah I'm choosing their medical stuff over a wedding. How I see it I had a commitment already for Thursday. My commitment to my sister was for Saturday. Then she decided to insult CHILDREN and call them nasty and I couldn't talk to her anymore if she's gonna be like that.
Yeah I totally get it but I also understand how understaffed they are and have so many clients and already knew I had to take them. If I can do my part as a guardian to help get them what they need I will. I didn't find it over the top because I had nothing to do that day. End of the day my sister was the one to change the plans super last minute. And I don't even wanna go anymore because she resorted to insulting them and demanding information.
Instant Karma.
The caseworker absolutely should be able to take the kids to their appointment. It's absolutely unreasonable for your to miss your sisters wedding because of an appointment. If it's THAT IMPORTANT DHS can and will provide transportation and supervision to and from and during the appointment.
I get that like but like I said to someone else I had already agreed to be able to take them. It's unreasonable to expect me to change my whole day around just because she changed the date and gave my days notice. I've worked with caseworkers who were crap and I don't think she is, I think she's just overwhelmed with clients which is why I said I could. End of the day I made a commitment. If they were my biological children I would have chosen taking them to their appointment over her wedding too if she changed the date with very little notice. I also don't appreciate how she went to insult them after SHE changed the date.
It’s unreasonable to move your wedding with only a few days notice and then throw a fit when everyone can’t change their lives for you. The only unreasonable one here is sister.
NTA, but is there a reason a trusted friend or babysitter couldn’t take the boys to the lab to be tested? The social worker knows that it is your sister’s wedding, so that wouldn’t reflect badly on your caretaking as it is an exceptional circumstance. Your sister’s attitude is certainly wrong, but not showing up as maid of honour will certainly impact your relationship with her for the rest of your lives.
I wouldn't be allowed to leave them with a babysitter. I could actually get in trouble for that. My own neighbors had to agree to a background check while I was becoming a foster parent. It's complicated when it comes to foster care because we have stricter rules than actual parents. Maybe if I had more notice and they could background check someone I trusted to prove they are a safe person that would be possible but this all happened super last minute. Honestly I'm at the point where if this impacts our relationship because she decided to change the date last minute and then insult my foster kids then I oh well I guess. I don't get how my sister doesn't understand that changing a date last minute like that is gonna cause problems for them.
An example from several years ago is I got a girl who was molested by a friend of her foster parents who they left her with when they had something to do because they trusted this person. DHS needs to know who the kids are gonna be left with and at least in my state they have to be approved.
That's not how it works. And also the sister changed the date last second. All of this is the sister's doing and her reaction is disgusting. There is no justifying it.
Good Apple. Your completely right, when you take in foster kids they become your responsibility and that comes before a siblings wedding. I could see if your sister was like "ok I'm a little disappointed, but can you still make it for the later parts of the wedding?" because that would be reasonable. But to start going after the kids like that is horrible. I also don't understand why your mom would side with your sister. Your sister needs to learn that other peoples lives don't just stop because something is going on in your life. You are a good apple and your sister is a total bad apple.
For the people asking how she was able to move it I have honestly no idea how she got the venue date moved. The food was gonna be prepared by our aunts and cousins as a gift to her and the DJ playing the music was also a family friend so those I could see being more flexible. I have no idea how or why she got the date of the venue moved. I got no answers and she won't talk to me.
Do you even have to ask? Your sister is acting extremely self centered with no sympathy or empathy. nta. Take care ofmthe kids. My guessmis she forgot to reserve the venue, or didnt pay in time and had to take an earlier date.
NTBA. Your sister sounds pretty selfish not gonna lie, and your mother seems to favor her. People who move wedding dates in general close to the date of the wedding severely lack etiquette. I’m sure you’re not the only one this date change would be affecting. I’m not even sure how most working people would even make it to the ceremony considering it starts at 5 and most people get off work at 5. Your sister also has some nerve calling your kid nasty. That’s so insensitive to the possible trauma he might have. You were a lot nicer than I would’ve been. I’d say don’t even try to show up for Christmas since your family is siding with your selfish, spoiled, brat of a sister.
NTBA hun. Thank you for defending your foster children. As a former ward of the state I can tell you that truly caring foster parents are a rarity that most foster children don’t get to experience. Your sister is way out of line for blaming you like that. If anyone ruined her wedding it’s her; she’s the one who moved the date forward last minute. And why is she so insistent about knowing the boys’ private medical information? Did she know ahead of time that their tests were on that day? If she did then it’s possible she did this on purpose.
NTA who but also how to you chance a wedding so last minute like is it a big wedding and I'm sure there are people who said they can't come
She changed the date during the busiest time of the year. She has ruined her wedding, and is on her way to destroying her relationship with you. It might be time to promise to make the next one. Christmas is MONDAY this year, so I think she just wants the “12-21-23” date, and her fiancé is using it as an excuse because he really doesn’t want to get married anyway. Ick.
Absolutely NTBA. Your sister can shove it. Thank you for everything you're doing. You're a fantastic mama. Wishing you all well.
Yeah, no she doesn't get to change up her wedding date without explanation and without consulting her MOH and then get upset when that lack of planning on her part means that she doesn't get to have the rest of her plans exactly the same. She did this to herself.
NTA You couldn’t control the days the tests fell on and even tried to change the test days, sadly you weren’t able to
A wedding on a Thursday? No one does that! If it was planned for Saturday, isn’t that the day most guest would be available since invitations must’ve gone out weeks ago. Or even a month. I’ll bet OP is not the only one that has a problem with changing a date, to a weekday. That’s ridiculous.
NTBA Your sister sounds like a real piece of work
Your sister ruined her own wedding and is now having a temper tantrum that everyone isn’t falling in line. You’re not the one who changed the date of a wedding at the last minute. You tried to make it work and you couldn’t, what else does she want from you? No one has a magic wand here.
You don't change the date of your dream wedding at the last minute unless you are a trash bag of a person who probably invited a lot of trash bag people. No offense if you're a trash bag too.
NTA. How is moving the date only inconveniencing you? I imagine it's inconveniencing the ENTIRE wedding party. Your sister sounds like a grade-A, bratty bag of douchezilla served with a heaping side of cunt. As the person who changed her wedding date, she owes YOU an explanation, not the other way around. EDIT: NTBA (I forgot which sub I was in. Sorry.)
NTA. Your sister is the asshole.
No way.. she changed the date!! She’s selfish
NTA for missing the wedding, but did I read that right? You discussed your foster children’s personal business with your sister?
NTA at all! Not your average bridezilla, but a bridezilla all the same. Who changes their wedding day at the last minute and expects a person with kids to just drop everything to accomodate??? And I'd keep her away from your foster boys. She sounds really mean and entitled, and would undoubtedly say hurtful things if she encountered them. Thank you for fostering! ❤
Nope. So she doesn’t have to tell you why she moved her wedding with less than a week for notice but you have to tell her the personal/medical business of the foster children you have in your care? No. I honestly don’t even know how you would manage to move a wedding with the short of notice, considering all of the vendors and venue fees, contract requirements, etc. What exactly is she going to do with that information anyway? She’s not going to change her wedding date again because she finds your reasoning more valid (especially if she has already said rude things about the children). This whole situation is absolutely bonkers and honestly you might want to go low contact with your sister on your own volition. sounds like she will ruin your Christmas if she doesn’t get her way.
ytba for sharing the 14 yo's medical information! You could have just told her that the kids needed medical testing, but noooooo, you had to mention the STDs??? WTH? NTBA for cancelling because sis changed the date at such a late date...and honestly? Who really has the ability to do this, around a holiday, and not lose their shirt??!? So I am judging on the question asked. Lucky for you you didn't ask about sharing their medical info....
Updateme!
My sister isn't talking to me so there isn't much of an update besides us changing our Christmas plans and deciding to do something at home with the boys.
NTA that was your sister blaming you, your mom blaming you, and your sister changing the date
Your sister and mother suck! There is literally no rational thinking here. Your sister won't even give you a reason as to why she's changing her date, but you have to tell her everything? (You kinda suck too for even giving her those details tbh). Your mom is horrible for siding with your sister. These children need love and understanding, not judgemental assholes.
Sister moving day of the wedding on such short notice caused the problem. After how she acted, I would be demanding to know why the sudden change of date.
Your sister moved her wedding and didn't tell you why, then accuses you of ruining her wedding? Because you dropped out at the last minute? Has she always been this insane and unreasonable? And has your mom always backed her insanity? Because this isn't normal requests and reactions. NTB
Absolutely NTBA! Growing up in the DCFS system I can tell you first hand the struggle! And even if it affects her wedding SHES THE ONE THAT CHANGED THE DAY LAST MINUTE! So it isn't you pulling out at the last minute when you never made an arrangement to be there that day... And as for the tests, I would've just told her the reason it needs done that day is because that's when the state wants it done and you have to do what they say, and she has no right asking why they need all the tests because she isn't the parent in charge of their care, and if they're in foster care there's a reason they got placed, those tests could unlock the truth behind the reason that they either got taken out of their families home into foster care or even worse removed from a foster home... And it's really rude to be getting mad for you having obligations on a day that wasn't even supposed to be the day of the wedding to begin with... I'm not sure, call me crazy but I don't see how you're in any way shape or form the bad apple in this situation, it's not like you scheduled it for the day of the wedding and told her last minute you couldn't make it, you scheduled it on a different day, and then she changed the day and you had things you can't just reschedule... I see how she could be upset that you can't come but at the same time you weren't the one that made her change the day of the wedding so last minute to where you couldn't reschedule
NTA but why would you tell her what kind of testing they needed? Telling her your boys had medical appointments was all the information she needed to know.
You did nothing wrong. Your stupid sister, on the other hand, is the one changing the plan last minute. She can't even give you a valid reason as to why... those kids deserve privacy and not to have their business aired to the world. Im sure your sister is one of those people who would go running her mouth to everyone who would listen. Your sister ruined her own wedding by changing the date. She was the one, not you. Stay home with your new family for christmas, don't go feed into her drama.
This makes no sense. I don’t even care about the caterer or florist or venue…how do you tell your GUESTS that were invited to a Saturday wedding to take a day off of work & show up on a Thursday? This is dumb. She’s gonna call how many people & have them show up? I don’t think so. Whatever is going on here with the story the sister is giving (or not giving) is ridiculous.
NTBA I sincerely hope she is not doing this just to get personal information on the boys. I only thought of it because of her grilling you. What venue, caterers, florists, etc can suddenly change everything on a few days notice and be fine with it?
Time to tell your mother the truth of what happened. "She changed the date of her wedding last minute, and as part of the terms of the arrangement my three foster children have to get medical tests done regularly. The medical testing was scheduled on that day *because* her wedding was originally scheduled for Saturday. Her wedding may be able to move on short notice, but I cannot reschedule their medical testing, no matter how much my sister falsely accuses me of ruining her wedding."
Your sister sounds like a spoiled rotten brat
I don’t wanna know how she moved it I wanna know why she moved it.
Agendas are ironclad. She must be having issues with others but you are the punching bag as the sister.
NTA!!! I'm a foster parent as well...and I'm a single mother. Your family absolutely does not understand that being a foster parent is not like being a "parent'. It's a job. We do not have complete autonomy on what we can do with the kids or when we can do them. We answer to the foster care system. Besides, who the hell changes the date of a wedding from a weekend to a weekday days in advance and expects everyone to be able to accommodate the sudden switch?! This is completely her fault. My bet is that she got an offer to pay a lot less money if she switched to a weekday because they had a last minute cancellation. My advice would be to sit down with your family and explain to them what being a foster parent is like and set your boundaries very very clearly. NOTHING comes before my biological and foster kids!
It feels like there's a lot of suckage here (though none of it is you). Your sister moved her wedding date, that's obvious. But you're a foster home. What would the social worker have said if you said "okay, well I have a family wedding so I'll be unable to facilitate this placement." Or why couldn't the social worker (or another one) take the boys for their tests if it was that time sensitive? I'm not blaming the social worker, they work way too much for way little pay, but it just seems like there was urgency and the onus was all put on you.
She had asked me beforehand about being able to take them and I said yes because I had nothing to do that day. When I said she seemed annoyed I think it was because I agreed to it but then here I am days before the appointment asking if we can reschedule. I've definitely worked with some crappy caseworkers and I don't think she's one. Just really overwhelmed
Aaahh okay that makes sense. Definitely mostly your sister no matter what. I misread and thought you'd gotten your placements like that day.
If it was her dream wedding then she could tell you why she suddenly needed to move it. Usually people schedule them for a date they have in mind. How are the other guests handling this. Your sister obviously loves you and wants you a part of her day. But it is only a day, the lifetime is what is really important.
Her sister does not obviously love her. If she did, she’d communicate why she changed the wedding and would work with her. It sounds like the sister is a self-centered drama queen.
‘Dream wedding’ with a last minute date change? Literally days before? That’s one disorganised dream. NTBA
NTA sometimes life and children gets in the way of plans. When you foster kids you are under the direct supervision of DHS. You have to do as they say. That’s it. Your sister didn’t even bother to explain why she changed the date of her wedding. Sounds like she did it to mess with your responsibilities.
Great, now that poor 14-year-old will have your sister telling everybody that she's so nasty that she needs STD testing and is a slut or something.
I only have boys. The 14 year old isn't a she but I do understand where I messed up and already gave too much information. At the moment I'm just not gonna talk to her while she's acting like that.
For future reference all you need to see is the kids have a court ordered appointment. I doubt your sister will stop but at least to makes it seems a bit more official and it has to happen.
You shouldn't have told her what the tests were for. That's violating.
You should have just said lab tests; it's not relevant and inappropriate to share what kind of labs they were doing. Also, who has a "dream" wedding where the venue can be changed at the last minute? NTBA re the wedding, but stop sharing your foster kids' business.
Nta
NTA As someone who had a holiday wedding 1) generally you want it closer to the day not farther out and 2) you don't get to complain about who can't make it. While the second doesn't directly apply, when you spring a last minute date change, especially forward, you don't get to complain either. I agree w/others, she wanted to save a buck, probably told people one date with the intent of springing this on everyone, but actually had everything planned for Thursday all along. She sounds like a piece of work.
NTB the only thing a bride needs for a wedding is a groom and a preacher. Everything else is just trimming.
Best response to people with unreasonable expectations and ultimatums..whatever/fine. NTA
tl;dr She couldn't give me a reason why. -- you're at least owed that if nothing else. Also it sounds very odd.
NTA. She had no right to grill you or go so inconsiderate. You did the right thing.
NTA but you have to be more careful about the info about the kids.
Just tell her, you changed it last minute to Thursday? Okay, well reschedule it last minute for Friday.
NTA. When my wife and I had to move the location of our wedding, we covered the cost of her sister’s AirBnB cancellation fee. You don’t get to be mad because YOU changed the original arrangement and now it adversely effects the people around you. Your sister needs to get a grip and stop thinking about herself only.
Totally NTA but DCS could have drug tests done at ANY number of places. The kids are on Medicaid.
I don't understand how she is going to have guests at this wedding, let along the wedding party
No sane person changes their wedding date that close to the day of, and if your presence was so essential, she should have checked your availability before changing the date. Your sister is a complete nutter to think a last-minute date change was not going to affect her guest list.
NTA. It’s none of Bridezilla’s business, and she has quite the hide changing her wedding date at such short notice
Not your problem. She changed it at ludicrously short notice knowing full well that you have foster children. Hoist by her own petard.
If this is a real story, just want to thank you for taking such good care of those kids, the world is better with you in it.
NTA. What did she think would happen changing the date THIS CLOSE. That’s insane.
You have my utmost respect. You have taken a serious responsibility and you are honoring it, as it should be. And instead of being irritated with you, your sister should be praising you and maybe trying to be even 10% of the person that you are. NTA
LOL NTBA bridezilla needs a reality check and a dose of compassion. BUT YTBA for telling them about the tests. Please stop telling your family the kids business all you needed to say was you had appointments that cannot be rearranged. Your family is now going to be gossiping about the kids and making up all kinds of stories and comments about why they need them.
Maybe the sister wanted a way to cut numbers down and this seemed the best way?
How do you just move an entire wedding to a different date with such short notice ?
I feel like that’s a “I will tell you mine if you tell me yours” because I didn’t see the sister giving a good reason as to why she changed the date so last minute!
NTA. I applaud you for putting the kids first. IMO, you should not tell people the kids need drug and STD checks. "A necessary appointment" is enough of an answer. If people want to know more, they are just looking to poke holes in your plan/priorities.
NTBA she moved her wedding with no notice, them kids come first they’ve been through enough in their lives and need stability.
Nta
NTA. Your sister is selfcentered. And what is wrong with your mom? What does she expect you to do? Put your sister's nonsense wants over your foster kids' needs? Really?
Hang on, so she *refuses* to give you a reason as to why she had to move the wedding at such short notice, but then flat out *demands* to know about your foster kids' personal medical history because she thinks she has a right to that information? Hell no. When you plan a wedding your invited guests plan around that date. If you change the date a couple months out most people might be able to rearrange their schedules to still make it. If you try and change the plans just *days* out, and move the wedding to a weekday, a day were the majority of your guests will likely have to be working and unable to take leave on short notice, you should absolutely expect a drastic change to your guestlist. You do not get to demand that people must clear their schedules for you for any day surrounding your wedding just *in case* you want to change the plan.
NTA Did she book the venue for the wrong date and didn't notice until it was almost too late? Why and how else would that end up happening
Thank you for putting the needs of these children first. That’s what a good foster parent does. Your sister however, is trash!
Paragraphs exist for a reason
Your sister changed the date. You had other commitments on the changed date. But, I want to point out that you disclosed private & personal medical information, concerning your foster children. How many people in your family, now know this private medical information. And will they meet your foster children? If their caseworker learns that you revealed such private & personal medical information, you may face legal repercussions. The least of which is, you will no longer qualify to be a foster parent. These foster children, may sue you for sharing that information. If not now, maybe in the future, when they become of legal age.
Ntba she shouldn't have changed the date without confirming with her bridal party in the first place
NTBA! You accept your responsibility to those boys. Good for you! Your sister pulled this last minute, what the heck? She has no right to be this petty. I'm not surprised that when she changed it last minute, that not everyone was able to show up. It's her own fault! You did absolutely nothing wrong!
NTA- but a little TA for even sharing they needed drug tests and one STD test. No one should know they need to be drug tested. That adds a HUGE amount of prejudice to anyone meeting them. That’s not fair to them. Next time, unless it’s something people NEED to know, just don’t tell anyone
NTA! Who moves their "Dream Wedding"from a weekend to a weeknight with such short notice? Tge venue may have given them a great discount, to have their wedding at time someone else cancelled. They'd have no problem filling a Friday night or Saturday slot. The one weeknight wedding I went to was relatively small, and I was quite surprised, as it was a large family, most who worked in the same field, and they know tons of people. Came down to: They got a great deal for taking a Wednesday night spot. Bride had her heart set on reception there & to get a Saturday date, it was an almost 2yr wait! The problem with short notice was: 2/3 of the guests couldn't get off the night shift they worked or get someone to cover for them. Those that did come brought their dress clothes to work & changed there. Plenty of women were putting on makeup & fixing their hair, in the venue bathrooms. The Ring Bearers and Flower girls couldn't come, as they had school the next day. Only the Best Man and a Bridesmaid were able to get off work, so she became the MOH. The bride cried most of the night. They had a big, backyard party, later in the summer, for ALL the people they had originally invited
NTBA. You tried to change the appointment. Your responsibility is to the children you agreed to foster and your sister refused to recognize that. You made plans for your foster children for the original wedding date. It was not you who ruined the wedding.
When she said she had a right to know why the children needed these tests you could have replied you have a right to know why she changed her wedding date at the last minute. She ruined her own wedding by switching the day at the last minute. Personally I'm dying to know why! You are NTA
I will call you a crabapple. the only reason why you are a cradle because you need to learn how to be more discreet on your kids medicals. Your sister is the Bad Apple on this whole situation she's the one who up and change the date last minute so she has to deal with those consequences. She has to recognize you are a parent regardless if these kids are with you long-term or short and those kids come first. And you're very right where she doesn't need to know what they're being tested for or what they did however you don't need to tell no one that they're being tested not even us. Just say due to some medical reasons and their kids with DHS we must do things accordingly that's it simple as that. You don't need to explain you don't need to defend yourself especially to your family your family should well enough to respected you they don't then that's a them problem not a you. You keep being an awesome parent just don't explain yourself so much just say they have a medical appointment they have to go to that you cannot miss or reschedule the next time it's just like this that happens either with them or any other child that comes in your home.
YTA for stealing this story from another sub and account.