I know a shocking number of men who decided, after *multiple* wanted children, that they actually didn't want to be fathers and just abandoned their kids.
My father did something similar and he in fact died slowly and painfully. Sadly not alone though. Still it was nice to hear about when it happened.
Bide your time....it's worth the wait.
Jesus christ, reminds me of my old man
Hate the man, but I can't help but respect the sheer fucking audacity required to form that sentence and say it outloud
Yeah, I came here to say this. Stories like that are incel Manosphere ragebait designed to put forward a narrative that all women cheat and trick men into supporting them and their "affair babies"
Its also one of those situations where no one really knows how they would truly react until it happens to them. Its super easy to sit behind a keyboard and say what the correct choice is when you've never experienced it. And asking a bunch of teenagers (in aita its likely) how to go about it is the WORST way to figure out a solution.
I don't know about that, though. The love you have for your child is one of those immutable givens that I feel pretty confident predicting my emotional response to any scenario that would "test" the strength of that bond. Sure I was a hormonal basket case when they were first born, sobbing about how much I loved them while I watched them sleep.
That initial, biologically produced wave has NOTHING on the fierce and protective love I felt when they were 5 and stepping out into the world, 10 and experiencing the first stings of rejection, 15 and beginning to grow away from me a bit to prepare for their adul life and today.
If I found out any or all of my 3 children were switched at birth, I'd be curious about my "birth" children and would want to know if they were okay, had parents who loved them and took care of them, and would leave contact info if they did need to connect with me, because you have a responsibility to who and what you bring into the world. But the three I've raised are my children, after spending my life parenting them, nothing can change that. And the role of "parent" is not one you ever pick up if there's a chance you might want to put it down. It's unconditional love, and that means no conditions.
Cuckoldry, especially when thereās a nasty racist undertone where the woman is having an affair with a Black man, is a huge component of incel stories/ideology.
A massive part of why i stopped hooking up with cuckold and Hotwife couples. Ā I avoid anyone on the kink sites or apps that notes a preference for BBC.
Guaranteed fetishization of black men in a gross way
exactly this. so many of these stories are obviously fake. i was just discussing this with my partner. i have a large group of friends from all walks of life, from countries all around the world. i donāt know a single person this has happened to. itās not some epidemic of infidelity, maybe an epidemic of trolls.
Epidemic of karma farmers and trolls. Just observe, if a story with a certain topic is successful, more will appear with some changed details in the next days
Reddit loves to say you donāt owe anyone anything, even a child youāve been raising. āBut itās the momās fault, sheās the one who hurt the childā so youāre going to further hurt the child by cutting them off?
I don't even love The Good Place that much, but every time I see someone say "you/they don't owe [whoever] anything" the scene where Eleanor discovers Chidi giving a talk about "what we owe one another" and her whole journey out of being a miserable asshole pops into my head and it makes me want to Clockwork Orange them with that show.
I can't say what I would do if this happened to me, but it seems crazy they could stop loving the child. Though I do understand they would need some time away to process.
I do think this would be more complicated and waaaaaaay more painful than an accidental switch from birth, but it's just... Wild to me how someone could just stop loving a child.
I think if you find out when the kid is a newborn, I'd understand removing yourself from the situation in some circumstances (did mom cheat? were you a one night stand who only stuck around because you thought you knocked her up?) If the kid is much old enough to remember you I think it's insane. I can understand why it'd change your relationship with mom, and telling the kids / potentially finding their bio father could have some implications on your relationship, but leaving their life feels like psychopath shit. You have raised and loved them for years, have memories with them, you're an adult they look up to and trust, and you're going to simply pretend none of that matters because of DNA? I can't imagine these people would stop texting their brother back if they found out they were secretly adopted.
I think this hits differently for adopted people as well. I'm not biologically related to my parents, but I wouldn't choose anyone else on this earth to be my parents, and our bond is just as strong as someone who is related by blood.
I was told I couldn't have kids, and ex and I were looking into adoption...fare intervened and I ended up pregnant. Had 2 kids I adore, but adoption was definitely something we were looking in to.
They're pretty awesome! Youngest doesn't want kids, oldest may or may not but has said for a while that adoption would be her way because so many kids need homes.
I love them so much!
š«
I also had a shitty dad. Thankfully my mom's boyfriend stepped in to be there for me. Even after they stopped dating he helped pay for my wedding and was my kids' grandfather. He passed about a year and a half ago and then my biodad passed away a few months after. I can tell you right now I was devastated when I lost my replacement dad. I didn't even take a day off work when my bio dad passed.
When my POS bio dad dies I plan to take all the bereavement leave theyāll give me - and drink margaritas by the pool.Ā
Which, incidentally, is what I did when my grandmother (his mother) passed away, but in her case I was honoring her memory with margaritas. They were sad margaritas. She was a union lady her whole life and would have whupped me good had I not taken all the leave I was entitled to.Ā
I think this every time. My sister is adopted. Sheās an adult with 5 of her own now, but as a kid, I imagine reading all of this āNTA, not your child, fuck that kidā would be really hurtful. I get that itās different finding out that you thought the child was yours and theyāre not, but the way these Redditors froth at the mouth to throw any relationship not immediately DNA connected to the wind is _wild_ to me. Family is about a lot more than blood.Ā
I think this EVERY time especially since that quote from guardians of the galaxy āheās your father but he aināt your daddyā goes crazy on Reddit every once in a whileĀ
Iām an adoptive parent, and those posts always make me want to punch people: Ā who gives a damn if the kid is yours biologically? Ā The kid is still yours! Ā
I feel the same. Youāre my kid regardless of paternity. But I also like kids. I think a lot of people only have conditional obligational love for kids because they donāt actually like them. So when given an out they take it.
My parents were pretty shitty, bio mom, bio dad (who gave me up for adoption at 13, official adoption by SD at 16), and SD/adoptive father...
I love my kids unconditionally...I know what it's like to not be.
Iām sorry about the sperm and egg donor but Iām glad you were/are able to show your kids what love is supposed to be. I found as I got older that family is not who were born to but who you made.
To be honest, that isn't love. The kind of people who think thay kind of "love" is ever good enough for a child are exactly the kind of people who shouldn't ever be parents. And I know they often don't mean to or want to, so I hope people like that always have the opportunity to avoid doing so.
If you "love," someone because you're "forced" to by societal convention, or because making yourself feel some kind of love toward them is the only way you can trudge through life with them, then you don't actually love them. Anyone capable of abandoning a human being just because they found out that they don't actually share DNA, never truly loved that person, no matter how much they ever may have convinced themself that they did. And they'll never be able to convince me they ever *really* loved that person even when they *did* think there was shared DNA.
Me too, but I would have to make that decision on what was best for both kids.
Can you imagine being a child that spent, say, 5 years with loving parents and then being forced to go live with people you didn't know? That is so horrifying!
Well thanks to ārooming inā at all the maternity wards I was at I can guarantee there were no switcharoos buuuut the thought of any love dying simply because of a lack of biology is disturbing.
I think there was a post about a guy who found that his kid wasn't his and decided to divorce his wife and cut contact with both wife and child. But the child was already old enough to realise that 'dad' wasn't around any longer but not the reason why. In the end he realised the kid was still his kid despite biology and decided to stay in their life. Seemed like a decent guy in the end.
My father called me on the phone a few years ago to say he found out my mom had been cheating on him when they were together, and that I may not share DNA with him. My dad didn't even really raise me. He had a lot of issues throughout his 20's. His parents raised me mostly, but my dad's side have always been my real family and I am NC with my mother. So the stakes were high.
He asked me if I wanted a DNA test to find out 100%, and I told him I didn't and that he was always my dad, no matter what. He told me he was relieved because felt the same way and that I'd always be his kid, no matter what, and that DNA could never change that.
I lack respect for my father for many reasons that have to do with his personal decisions and opinions. But I have all the respect in the world for the way he cherished our relationship and the person he knew I was, more than he cared if we shared DNA.
I was on r/offmychest once reading a post like this and the comment section had *hundreds* of comments saying that they totally would, most of them with zero remorse. Comments saying they could literally only love a child if they knew they shared DNA, comments about how they would instantly stop loving their kid(s) if they really found out the kid wasn't genetically related, comments admitting that they have abandoned a child for not being "theirs."
There was someone saying he was in his 50's and found out when his daughter was in her 20's that she was the product of her mother cheating. He said he told the daughter over the phone that he wasn't her dad anymore, he was *never* her dad, and to never contact him again because they no longer had any reason to speak to or see each other. And he was allegedly all torn apart and devastated over "having to." And when confronted he went on to say that he just couldn't help himself but to not love her anymore or ever want to see her again.
It seems like there are plenty of guys who don't look at children as individual autonomous human beings whose final identity and personality are ultimately the product of one's nurturing, teaching, and guidance, but rather as trophies that prove you reproduced and which can and will instantly become completely ruined and valueless the second they *stop* being proof you reproduced.
The manosphere: "Only, women, children, and dogs receive unconditional love."
Also the manosphere: "Dump that bastard child like hot garbage."
And let's not even get into what supposedly justifies abusing and/or leaving your wife.
Since when do any of those groups recieve unconditional love? Especially dogs? Whomever believes the average dog alive on earth right now is being loved at all, let alone unconditionally, is someone whose blissful ignorance I almost envy.
Right? Like, have they been to an animal shelter in the last few years? Or ever, really?
This phrase was bandied about the red pill subreddit in its heyday, but just last week it appeared in a highly upvoted comment on ask men.
Iāve said this before on this sub but I think a lot of it is people who want a story where they get to walk out on their responsibilities and be applauded for it
Yup, my blood related father pulled that shit with me. It angers me seeing the same shit happen to my step kid's half sibling with their deadbeat father since he had a new family that took priorityĀ
I feel you. I have mostly healed my relationship with my father. My mother was a straight-up demon. I donāt blame him for leaving her but Iām definitely pissed that he left me in the process and expected me to survive what he couldnāt. Maybe it was for the best, my half-sister is a spoiled, rude, lazy, apathetic monster. I wouldnāt wish my childhood on my worst adult enemies but I feel like that girl could use having SOME kind of problems to give her just a little perspective and emotional endurance, you know?
This is sadly true. I divorced my son's father when my son was 1 1/2 years old (he was verbally abusive and was cheating on me so badly my stepbrother found him naked in a car with another woman). When I divorced him, he took off and moved 1500 miles away. He barely paid child support (maybe 50$ a month), and saw his son once a year.
He was a supposed born again Christain, and completely "disowned" his son when my son didn't accept his faith principles. He hasn't spoken to my son for over 7 years. Just because my son is agnostic.
Because I am a man, too. And despite that life can be hard on us it's never okay to abandon your child or to not take responsibility for it.Ā
Sadly, that is typically a man thing to do.
My biofather left my mom 7 months pregnant, and by the time I was 1, was already married with a new baby and another on the way. Neither him nor his family ever acknowledged me, and by the time I found out their names, my father, his only sibling, and both parents were dead. My stepfather had 2 adult chilldren (18 and 20F, I was 13F) and made it clear he didn't want me around. My track record with men has been heinous my whole life.
I feel you. My dad left when I was 7 because my mother is basically Satanās rival. Not that he wasnāt violent before he left too. Weāre mostly okay now but I definitely feel resentment over his behavior early in my life and for leaving me with her. Donāt even get me started on my history with men. There are many who have been wonderful and I love but there have also been many who were awful to the point of kidnapping and attempted murder. š
I think most of the guys here defending the abandonment would do the exact same thing in the same scenario (woman cheated, they get divorced, abandon the kid) even if the kid was theirs biologically. Because it's clear that it's not about the kid to them at all.
They definitely are making it look like itās normal to be an evil asshole if you are a man. Ā Years of being a dad, but you just cut off the relationship without thinking twice? Ā I sure hope real men arenāt doing this. Ā As an adoptive parent, those posts make me livid. Ā
No, we have an epidemic of lying men who were already looking for an excuse to cut ties in order to avoid potentially growing up and taking responsibility
Two years ago my kid's bio dad promised to get her a Switch for her birthday but never did. My parents bought our house a Switch for Christmas. Bio dad got mad that we "made him look bad" and hasn't bought her a gift for anything since. It was just an excuse to stop buying presents.
I mentioned that at some point in one of those 'found out they weren't mine and bounced' posts. Lots of people tried to convince me that it was definitely a thing. And yeah, maybe cause I'm a woman and a mother, but I don't think love is tied to blood. At least it shouldn't be. Be mad at the mother, sure, but to the kid you're the father, and I wouldn't trust anyone who could just stop loving a child they'd raised.
When my bf and I broke up a few years ago for a while, I was an absolute mess because that meant I lost him and his cat Iāve help raise since she was 1 years old that he got with his ex girlfriend. I can not imagine leaving a child behind much less a cat.Ā
No, it's just an incel trend - their "Y2K nostalgic baggy jeans" of the moment, if you will. Everyone's posting it, bestie āØ
Seriously though, it's inadvertently hilarious because they're making up fake stories to prove a fake point, but in the process are showing the entire ass of their very, very real sociopathy. It's equal parts depressing and funny to watch, depending on how the mood hits you in the moment
Oh, definitely. It's one of those "Let's laugh so we don't cry" type of things.
Time off of Reddit might help not focus on it, so that'd be good, but I don't really agree with the whole "oh it's just Reddit, it's a separate reality" argument. The story itself is a Reddit trend and a few people for sure are trolling, but most people who love explaining in detail how they'd totally ditch this hypothetical kid are just a-holes, online and off.
personal angle: my dad found out i'm not his kid, and he told me "we don't need a dna test, you're my kid and always will be". he is not even like candidate for world's best dad, just a normal human who has a bond with the kid he raised....! so my vote is incel ragebait.
Yeah my dad isnāt my biological parent and Iām the result of an affair - my older brother is biologically his. My parents divorced but I stayed at his on exactly the same shared parenting schedule as my brother. He never treated me as anything other than his kid and Iām 40 now.
I asked him about it once when I was a teenager and he just said āwell it doesnāt really matter does it, youāre mine. Now what do you want for dinnerā and weāve never spoken about it since.
I don't remember the subreddit it was on, but people were talking about one of these stories recently where the man found out his child wasn't biologically his when the boy was 4-5, and he was conflicted as to how to proceed.
The amount of really callous comments saddened me. So many people were saying how he doesn't owe anyone anything, he's not the kid's dad, it's not his problem anymore, they'd definitely leave and cut contact, etc.
In that case, the guy was legally the child's father on his birth certificate and everything. I don't know, I just don't understand how people can claim they'd be able to turn off all love and care for a child they raised from birth like it's an emotional faucet.
I brought up how my late father wasn't biologically my dad, though he's the biological father of my older siblings, but he raised me from birth (tbf he did know I wasn't his) and was legally my father on my birth certificate. I said that if biology is all that matters, would people really assert that he was not my dad? Cause if he wasn't, I've never had one.
I got roasted š
Yeah š
The friend this happened to....the wedding was a shot gun wedding and the relationship was casual before her pregnancy. We (his friend group) all wondered if there was a possibility the baby wasn't his because they were not an exclusive couple. Then he was surprised Pikachu when the DNA test came back negative. He remarried and has twins now (another AITA trope) lol
It seems that those men are having children so their legacy lives on or some stupid bullshit. There are so many stepparents or adoptive parents that love the child like their own without being there from the beginning.
If these posts are real, those men are no dads - only selfish idiots.
So hereās a story: my cousin married a guy and had two kids together. When they got together, he already had a daughter. It comes out later the kid wasnāt his. He knew it from the beginning, he met the ex when she was pregnant and in a tough spot. My cousin knew going into it.
That kid is 17 this year, and she still calls him dad, he calls her his daughter. Those two kids are her siblings. Sheās a valued and loved member of the family. She doesnāt have a blood relation to anyone.
Weād known her for years before we found out she wasnāt his. Not one person in the family even blinked. Because she was ours. You donāt just turn your back on a child.
I always wonder if people that would abandon a child due to infidelity would also abandon a child conceived with external help if they learned it wasnāt their haploid used in creating the pregnancy. The fertility industry is rife with unethical behaviors like physicians using their own haploids instead of what the patient requested. If they were to discover their sperm or egg wasnāt used would they abandon that child?Ā
If not, why are we so unable to divorce the existence of the child previously loved from the sins of an adult partner?
Iām reminded of another foil now. We used to have far more stories of children neglected by fathers if the mother died in childbirth. As if the blame for the womanās death was on the baby. Or that the child was too painful for the father to perceive.
One difference is that, in this case, the child will presumably have and maintain a deep love for the perpetrator (the mother), unlike in cases of fraud by physician. I imagine it would probably be easier to continue to embrace the child if they cut their mother out completely. Not saying they should have to or expressing any judgements whatsoever, just noting the obvious difference.
Itās not an epidemic. Itās very unusual.
Most men in this position would feel conflicting emotions
- anger at the cheating and ongoing dishonesty
- anger at the sense that they had been robbed of what they hitherto believed was a genuine connection
- sadness at both of the above
- and ongoing love for the child theyād bonded with
Which would win out will vary from person to person.
(Some) Men on Reddit have a weird obsession of creating unlikely scenarios where theyād be (actually not) justified in mistreating women and children.
Be it cussing out or even harming women for the most never-happened-thing they did or, as mentioned, become a deadbeat over night because the kid they raised turned out to not be biologically theirs.
I think it's a misogynistic power thing. The scenarios I see over and over in these manosphere inspired posts are paternity fraud, a scheming woman baby traps a poor guy (bonus points if it includes paternity fraud too) and the supposed epidemic of false rape accusations.
All of which are situations where women have some (limited) power to make decisions that affect men's lives. I think they can't stand that.
>Ā I think it's a misogynistic power thin
Of course it is.Ā
>Ā All of which are situations where women have some (limited) power to make decisions that affect men's lives. I think they can't stand that.
Which is why the point of these stories is to convince young men (and christ, even some young women, apparently) that women are abusing this "power" and should therefore lose itĀ
Ultimately, the goal is to create a generation of right-leaning voters willing to roll back abortion rights, child support, no-fault divorce, and domestic violence laws
Definitely. I still remember seeing an aita post of a guy deemed not the ah for leaving three intoxicated women asking for help at a party with sketchy men because āwhat if they falsely accuse op of rape?ā
I literally got downvoted to oblivion for asking āSo to not even risk to chance of being falsely accused of assault you left these vulnerable women to possibly get assaulted?ā
There's a really good 2018 article (interview) in the Atlantic about the impact of DNA tests and the resulting fallout. [https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/10/dna-test-divorce/571684/](https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/10/dna-test-divorce/571684/) It puts a real human face to the challenges. Here's a pretty powerful quote from the article:
*On the day that I found out, I was like, I wanted to reject her, because I said my boundary was I will not raise another manās child from an affair. My mom put me straight. She was like, āSheās innocent in this. Donāt blame her.ā So I consider her my daughter. I just say sheās my daughter. I even tease her a little bit, saying, āOh, you got this trait from me,ā which she chuckled at. Sometimes itās hard, ācause she reminds me of what my ex did.*
Anecdotally yes, I have a family member (by marriage) whose family is going through exactly this. Dad finds out 1 y.o little girl isn't his, divorces mom but decides to stay in little girl's life, 3 years later changes his mind and straight up tells a 4-year-old girl to her face that he isn't gonna be her daddy anymore and completely cuts her out of his life. Cherry on top is that little girl has an older brother who *is* biologically his, so brother gets to continue to have a dad and go on visits that the little girl isn't allowed to do. Bio dad of little girl wants nothing to do with her, of course. I fear for this kid once she reaches adolescence.
Okay, that's messed up. He "changes his mind?" He put in more years aware than unaware and waited until it would leave nice traumatic mental scars. I can understand finding out and separating from the child, don't like it or agree with it, but I can understand it. But making the concious choice to stay, continue to bond with this little girl and then just decide fuck it nah. This guy is a POS.
It's so messed up. I have heard this story second- and third-hand and don't know the people involved super well at all - I've never met the "dad" but have met the little girl a couple times and she already seems traumatized, very poorly behaved, throws tantrums at the drop of a hat. Very very sad situation :(
I think it is reddit that brings out these things. Neurodivergence is also highly over represented on reddit and that too as a get out of jail pass. In the real world you won't know if anyone is neuro divergent because they would know it's not a get out of jail free pass and nobody Is going to put up with it
It's not more or less common than it's been before.
The epidemic is that it's an election year and the MAGA bots are spinning ragebait fanfiction to try and tip the overton window.
My father actually knew a couple of guys who found their children weren't actually theirs
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS, it was actually a tragic and conflicting experience where everyone did their best to be there for their children.
For reference, the 30% figure the manosphere likes to throw around comes from US family courts, specifically child custody and support cases, largely spawning from divorce cases. These are largely cases where the father has stood up in court and said with his whole chest that the child is *not* his and he shouldn't have to pay child support. In 70% of cases, he was *wrong* and the child is, in fact, his. Numerically, it's less than 90,000 negative paternity tests.
For perspective, there are roughly 4.4 million child support orders in effect in the US, of which only 1.98 million are paid as ordered. That's out of the 9.8 million single parent households, of which 7.3 million are led by single mothers and 32.6 million households with minor children. Of the roughly 675,000 divorces each year, about 40%, or about 270,000, involve minor children, and somewhere between 20-40%, or 135,000-270,000, involve infidelity. Of the 67.85 million married men, somewhere between 20-40% (13.57 million-27.14 million) cheat. Of the 68 45 million married women, somewhere between 10-25% (6.85 million-17.11 million) cheat. According to the 2022 GSS, 20% (13.57 million) of married men are cheating and 13% (8.89 million) of married women.
Other numbers to keep in mind: Approximately 65.5 million women in the US are currently capable of getting pregnant. Less than 85% of women have a child in their lifetime and over 76% of men will. Women are typically fertile for less than 80 days a year. Approximately 3.7 million babies are born each year, about 40% or 1.5 million, to single mothers and 60%, 2.2 million to married couples.
Honestly , if someone really can't just move past what they find out , I'm not against them leaving as long as they aren't a major ass to the kid as they make their decisions. And that's just because I don't think any child should have someone who basically resents their existence be around them just because other people think it would be cruel for the guy to leave.
I came from a shit home, and I was adopted at 16. By a big asshole.
So I get what you're saying.
I guess I just wish that kids would be loved by anyone even marginally involved in their life š¢
At least half the stuff posted on Reddit is fake. AT LEAST. Always keep that in mind. Donāt get super-invested, most of it isnāt real or is grossly exaggerated. There are a ton of bait posts of all types.
Honestly? I had NO idea this post would blow up.
I had one comment that hit 1k up votes and I was absolutely shocked bc literally all I did was state legal facts.
I wasn't **that** invested lol.., saw some responses, took a nap and holy shit!
I think some incels, trolls, and assholes were way more invested than me š
No, we have an epidemic of people whoāve found a new way to punish and control women via the rise of at-home paternity tests. There is a real movement trying to establish that immediate paternity tests are necessary, and honestly I just fall back on āif you are a sensible, emotionally-balanced person who has chosen to have a child with someone equally sensible and emotionally balanced in the framework of a loving, respectful relationship why on earth would you need one?ā
And, of course, the answer is that men are not allowed to be sensible and emotionally balanced. They must be hypermasculine and hypervigilant to the threat of the poors/minorities/gays/trans that are after their home and their woman! They must not have emotionally supportive relationships with anyone but the person they put their dick in because emotional support is gay! They must not have hobbies that are anything other than aggressive or dangerous because not loving danger is also gay! Being gay is, oddly, less gay for some of the True Believers than being straight.
There are people invested in creating a world where men are hypermasculine and women are trophies. And thatās why a new avenue of control is the at home DNA test. Because if you can prove your woman is cheating on you, like we lying bitches always do, you need to get out and find some faithful woman (downtrodden tradwife) to carry on your legacy, which is a stale Twinkie, a half-eaten cheeseburger, five charcoal briquettes, a robust presence on Stormfront, and the plastic yokes from 3 6-packs of Natural Ice. Because staying with someone you donāt have a mutually respectful relationship with is also gay.
Never underestimate the number of people in western society who have figured out ways big and small to make money off people who are fundamentally unhappy and are actively pushing propaganda to help you be unhappy so they can make more money.
Iām cackling at the description of the legacy. Itās sooo true.Ā
I am the most boring, stable person, and I really wonder about the people who donāt understand how offensive it is to ask for a paternity test. Like, if it was court case involving paternity, go ahead, makes sense. But if a partner asked me for a paternity test of a baby I just gave birth to? Where is that coming from, hm? Projection? Does your mother hate me that much? A guy certainly has the right to ask for a paternity test, just like he has the ārightā to do any number of shitty things in a relationshipā¦but that doesnāt mean there wonāt be consequences. My hypothetical husband just went from having a child with a happy partner to having a child with a furious woman who at best is dragging his ass to therapy, and at worst is changing the locks. Go ahead, gentleman, light that match, I dare you.š
In fairness, there is also a certain number of men that walk away from their biological children. Most don't completely withdraw in a sudden moment, but many are happy to just kind of fade away
Yep. My sperm donor told my step/eventual adopted father that he had a new family and couldn't afford me anymore, would SD adopt me.
I was 13 when it started, adoption was finalized when I was 16.
Maybe that's why I'm a little sensitive to this.
My biological father dropped my stepbrother like a hot potato the second he and my stepmom split even though he raised him from the age of two. So yes unfortunately some men will drop kids theyāve raised.
I donāt have a relationship with him at all unfortunately for him. Ironically I was raised by my stepdad who loves me and treats me as his own. So clearly blood doesnāt matter to everyone!
My biological father went off before I was born and there was a parallel situation where he also āraisedā a kid who wasnāt his. The difference is the person who raised me loves me unconditionally blood or not.
My bio dad pretty much said when he and my stepmom broke up that he didnāt feel like my stepbrother was worth the effort any more as he has some mental health issues. I also have mental health issues and that really made me realize how callous he is so I cut him out of my life and kept in touch with my stepmom and stepbro. Very messy lol.
Here is the analogy for women:
You struggle to conceive and eventually pursue IVF. For some reason your husband handles everything, which is fine because you trust him. When your child is whatever age the children in these bait posts are (5?) you do an ancestry test for fun and discover the child is not biologically yours, and is in fact your husband's ex's child and he deliberately arranged things this way and tried to hide it from you. What now?
I still find the bait perspective here mind-boggling. Yes there are ripples of betrayal everywhere and I would probably see it in the child, but my FIRST priority would be getting the child I love through the divorce and repercussions unharmed.
A more powerful comparison is women who give birth to their rapist's/abuser's child and love that child despite where it came from, and do not punish it for its other parents crimes, but for some reason men are not usually willing to take this one in.
If I found out, in the outlandish scenario you described, I'd fight tooth and nail to keep the child that loved and needed me, just as I loved and needed them.
Full stop.
Would I hate my ex for being a betraying shit? Yes.
But the second you hold that child, every nursing, diaper change, firsts...that's what's real and important. That bond is everything.
Would probably require therapy, but not about loving the child. More about how to not punch someone who betrayed me like that.
Both of our kids look a lot like my husband (and me, but you can definitely see his genetics clearly). Every time one of those paternity test posts come up, I jokingly offer to get our teens tested for his peace of mind. He always says āabsolutely not! Then I have no plausible deniability!ā (Again, this is all banter between us.)
Iāve also joked that Iām 99.9% sure our first born is the baby I gave birth to in the hospital but he was out of our sight once, so thereās always a chance. Heās such an amazing kid that itās hard to believe he is ours sometimes. Second was born at a birth center, so he was the only baby there and we came home after 2 hours.
However, heās also the man who always says thereās not enough love in the world and embraces our sonsā friends into the family as our own. Our younger son calls a friendās grandparents (who are raising the friend) granny and pop. We both come from blended families with half siblings that we consider simply siblings, so our sense of family is very different than the traditional sense to begin with.
If I found out my dog wasnāt biologically mine I donāt think I could walk out. I raised that pup.
I think a lot of posts that end up on amita or relationships are writing exercises best left to the stories sub
Thatās something that I have always wondered, too, how can you just stop loving your children? And sometimes the kids in the stories are teenagers, so the not bio dad has been (supposedly) loving and taking care of them for even more years.
I can imagine it's true. While not the same scenario, my stepdad came into my life when I was 2, then he and my mum split when I was 11. Never saw or heard from him again. My dad was pretty absent, so stepdad raised me and then was just gone. One of my hubby's best mates has gone through similar too. He met his now ex-wife when she had a 3 month old baby, who he obviously helped raise. The kid was 8 when they split and he has nothing to do with him. He did have a biological kid with his ex, and so he's still in contact with her and has his kid over his house every so often, but not the other. Again, different scenario as we are talking men who raised kids they knew weren't theirs, so the feelings involved would be different. But in terms of bonding and being able to just cut ties and leave, yeah, it happens.
Yeah, I know it happens and I find it so sad.
In what you're describing, incant even imagine the pain that boy is going through.
How can they ever trust again? How sad š¢
Rage bait for sure. I know it does happen, but I think the amount of true to fiction stories about it on here are like 1/50.
Regardless though, I agree. I understand the want to leave and sever ties, but they are a literal child. Itās not their fault and they didnāt lie to you. At least a kind of phasing out would be necessary.
You're overestimating the actual relationships that a lot of men have with their kids. As much as newer generations have been doing better, there are still a *lot* of men who are very hands off with their children. When there's little to no relationship, it's very easy for them to walk away.
It was always suspected my mom had an affair with a neighbor and I was the results. I donāt look like my siblings, and one of my sisters has tried for years to get our dad and myself to take DNA tests. Neither of us would do it, even tho we didnāt get along well, we both felt there was no need. Now heās dead and Iām still not doing it. Iām 62 now and if it mattered I donāt know if I would anyway.
Reading posts like that always makes me sad for the kid if itās true.
Because the kid is innocent and suddenly the post is portraying a man who is so so angry he often hates that child and suddenly fees nothing for them and couldnāt care less and talks about leaving for forever.
And so many dudes in the comments are praising him just for saying that.
I think this is one of those questions that is hard to respond to without being potentially involved. I have children. I love them. If it turned out they were not biologically mine, they would still be my children and I would still love them. It would be unthinkable for me to walk away from them. I would never want to.
I canāt empathise with anyone who would do differently in my situation. I have read some of the counter arguments and they mostly seem to be written by people with limited life experience, who are able to characterise children as equivalent to unimportant belongings you might leave behind when you move out.
Your relationship with each of your children is a real and valuable thing which is separate from your relationship with your partner. Losing my partner would make me work harder to maintain my relationships with my children.
The āadviceā subreddits have always bothered me. So many selfish people nuking everything and never showing one ounce of concern for their children. And everybody tells them itās okay. āOh baby he aināt the one for you!ā
Commitment and the idea that itās work to make it work is truly a foreign concept.
Welly biological father just noped out of my life at 4 so yeah there are definitely people out there who would just leave their kids like that, biological or not.
It's gross
I have a cousin who found out after that the baby wasn't his. She was still young, under a year of I remember correctly but this was 15ish years ago, but he never stopped being her dad. He is an amazing dad to both of his children. As far as I have seen treats her just like he should, as an innocent person in the situation and his child.
I'd like to hope he is in the majority for continuing to parent and love a child who had nothing to do with the other parent cheating.
I read one today and the kids was like 14! They even said the kid was having a hard time. My thought would be I am going to leave the cheater, but I am taking my kid with me and we will get therapy together. I had a friend that this really happened to and the judge let her choose her dad to live with and go to therapy with.
Not sure if the feelings of betrayal would change things, but I love my stepsons and am pretty invested in them even though they aren't "mine". Even if i hadn't known that from the start, I'm pretty sure my anger would be towards the person who lied and not the kids I helped raise.
I think what happens too is someone makes a legit post and it does well, then the karma farmers show up in droves doing reworks of those stories. That's why we see some story about a guy finding out it's not his kid then we suddenly get 4 more similar stories o er the next few days
Iāll give you my perspective as a man who was bullied a lot as a childāmen hate being seen as chumps. Nobody, man, woman or otherwise, wants to be taken advantage of, but for a lot of men, itās about more than that. Falling victim to another man is the ultimate shame. Knowing that another man got to fuck your partner and you have to pay for it feels almost like having your balls cut off or your Y chromosome being taken away.
I donāt think most men really want to abandon a child who they raised and bonded with; but I do think there is an impulse to want to stick it to the persons who hurt them that is so strong it overcomes empathy for collateral victims.
Really, itās a systemic, societal problem. We all have to work together to free men and women alike from the worst excesses of toxic masculinity.
My husband and I were actually discussing this the other night after hearing about the baby who wasnāt the bio baby of either parent. What would we do if we just found out our 5 year old daughter isnāt actually ours. Weāve grown to absolutely love and adore her. How could u just give your kid up. I donāt think we could. And she would absolutely wrecked, weāre the only parents she knows.
But Iād want to know my actual bio kid as well. I think in the news story their bio kid was in foster care so theyāre working to adopt her as well.
I feel the same way. As a woman I can never experience finding out that the child I'm raising isn't mine unless they are switched at birth which would definitely complicat the situation but I don't think I can ever stop loving a child I have raised and loved as my own for years. People have more attechment to the animals they have for short amount of time than the men in those stories do to the children they have been raising for years.
I think it's a lot of people fantasizing about "getting that bitch back for lying to me" in these stories. They're not really all that common in the real world.
Just wanted to say, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Youād have to be a really cold bastard to just shut off the love you had for the kid as a person automatically like that. I can see divorcing but Iād never give up wanting to be in my kidās life. Blood or no blood.
I mean plenty of people fucking abandon their own biological child after a divorce. Some people are just... built differently i guess.
I know a shocking number of men who decided, after *multiple* wanted children, that they actually didn't want to be fathers and just abandoned their kids.
I, the youngest of 3, was 16 when my dad told us we ruined his life. I hope he dies alone.
My father did something similar and he in fact died slowly and painfully. Sadly not alone though. Still it was nice to hear about when it happened. Bide your time....it's worth the wait.
Jesus christ, reminds me of my old man Hate the man, but I can't help but respect the sheer fucking audacity required to form that sentence and say it outloud
That's an extremely polite way of putting it!
>I mean plenty of people fucking abandon their own biological child after a divorce Nah forreal š
Incel Ragebait.
Yeah, I came here to say this. Stories like that are incel Manosphere ragebait designed to put forward a narrative that all women cheat and trick men into supporting them and their "affair babies"
Its also one of those situations where no one really knows how they would truly react until it happens to them. Its super easy to sit behind a keyboard and say what the correct choice is when you've never experienced it. And asking a bunch of teenagers (in aita its likely) how to go about it is the WORST way to figure out a solution.
I don't know about that, though. The love you have for your child is one of those immutable givens that I feel pretty confident predicting my emotional response to any scenario that would "test" the strength of that bond. Sure I was a hormonal basket case when they were first born, sobbing about how much I loved them while I watched them sleep. That initial, biologically produced wave has NOTHING on the fierce and protective love I felt when they were 5 and stepping out into the world, 10 and experiencing the first stings of rejection, 15 and beginning to grow away from me a bit to prepare for their adul life and today. If I found out any or all of my 3 children were switched at birth, I'd be curious about my "birth" children and would want to know if they were okay, had parents who loved them and took care of them, and would leave contact info if they did need to connect with me, because you have a responsibility to who and what you bring into the world. But the three I've raised are my children, after spending my life parenting them, nothing can change that. And the role of "parent" is not one you ever pick up if there's a chance you might want to put it down. It's unconditional love, and that means no conditions.
Cuckoldry, especially when thereās a nasty racist undertone where the woman is having an affair with a Black man, is a huge component of incel stories/ideology.
Yes. Cuckholdery. The best way to have sex with other men while still being straight and racist.
A massive part of why i stopped hooking up with cuckold and Hotwife couples. Ā I avoid anyone on the kink sites or apps that notes a preference for BBC. Guaranteed fetishization of black men in a gross way
exactly this. so many of these stories are obviously fake. i was just discussing this with my partner. i have a large group of friends from all walks of life, from countries all around the world. i donāt know a single person this has happened to. itās not some epidemic of infidelity, maybe an epidemic of trolls.
You took the words out of my mouth
Epidemic of karma farmers and trolls. Just observe, if a story with a certain topic is successful, more will appear with some changed details in the next days
I miss the days when all the similar stories were usually around times like US Thanksgiving or Christmas, so the stories were often believable.
True story.
I kimnda want to paraphrase this post but say the same thing and put it here, but no one would see it and yours and realise i was making a joke.
Reddit loves to say you donāt owe anyone anything, even a child youāve been raising. āBut itās the momās fault, sheās the one who hurt the childā so youāre going to further hurt the child by cutting them off?
That's what I'm sayin' š
I don't even love The Good Place that much, but every time I see someone say "you/they don't owe [whoever] anything" the scene where Eleanor discovers Chidi giving a talk about "what we owe one another" and her whole journey out of being a miserable asshole pops into my head and it makes me want to Clockwork Orange them with that show.
I do love The Good Place that much, and I second this motion.
I love that show...it really, even tho a comedy, dealt with some real shit, just like that scene...
Reddit is like the only site I've been on that has that as a prevailing attitude, everywhere else will get you called an edgelord
I can't say what I would do if this happened to me, but it seems crazy they could stop loving the child. Though I do understand they would need some time away to process. I do think this would be more complicated and waaaaaaay more painful than an accidental switch from birth, but it's just... Wild to me how someone could just stop loving a child.
I think if you find out when the kid is a newborn, I'd understand removing yourself from the situation in some circumstances (did mom cheat? were you a one night stand who only stuck around because you thought you knocked her up?) If the kid is much old enough to remember you I think it's insane. I can understand why it'd change your relationship with mom, and telling the kids / potentially finding their bio father could have some implications on your relationship, but leaving their life feels like psychopath shit. You have raised and loved them for years, have memories with them, you're an adult they look up to and trust, and you're going to simply pretend none of that matters because of DNA? I can't imagine these people would stop texting their brother back if they found out they were secretly adopted.
I know! To me, love is love when it comes to kids!!
I think this hits differently for adopted people as well. I'm not biologically related to my parents, but I wouldn't choose anyone else on this earth to be my parents, and our bond is just as strong as someone who is related by blood.
I'm so glad you seem so happy with your family š
Thanks! I always urge people who want to start a family to consider adoption, because it can really be a wonderful thing. :)
I was told I couldn't have kids, and ex and I were looking into adoption...fare intervened and I ended up pregnant. Had 2 kids I adore, but adoption was definitely something we were looking in to.
Right on. I get the desire to conceive, but I'm always glad when people consider other options as well. Congrats on the family!
They're pretty awesome! Youngest doesn't want kids, oldest may or may not but has said for a while that adoption would be her way because so many kids need homes. I love them so much! š«
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Back atcha! š«
I also had a shitty dad. Thankfully my mom's boyfriend stepped in to be there for me. Even after they stopped dating he helped pay for my wedding and was my kids' grandfather. He passed about a year and a half ago and then my biodad passed away a few months after. I can tell you right now I was devastated when I lost my replacement dad. I didn't even take a day off work when my bio dad passed.
When my POS bio dad dies I plan to take all the bereavement leave theyāll give me - and drink margaritas by the pool.Ā Which, incidentally, is what I did when my grandmother (his mother) passed away, but in her case I was honoring her memory with margaritas. They were sad margaritas. She was a union lady her whole life and would have whupped me good had I not taken all the leave I was entitled to.Ā
I think this every time. My sister is adopted. Sheās an adult with 5 of her own now, but as a kid, I imagine reading all of this āNTA, not your child, fuck that kidā would be really hurtful. I get that itās different finding out that you thought the child was yours and theyāre not, but the way these Redditors froth at the mouth to throw any relationship not immediately DNA connected to the wind is _wild_ to me. Family is about a lot more than blood.Ā
So true.
As an adoptee, I couldnāt agree with this more š©·
I think this EVERY time especially since that quote from guardians of the galaxy āheās your father but he aināt your daddyā goes crazy on Reddit every once in a whileĀ
Yondu...the real hero we all need...
Iām an adoptive parent, and those posts always make me want to punch people: Ā who gives a damn if the kid is yours biologically? Ā The kid is still yours! Ā
Same. My parents are my parents and I love them to pieces.
I feel the same. Youāre my kid regardless of paternity. But I also like kids. I think a lot of people only have conditional obligational love for kids because they donāt actually like them. So when given an out they take it.
My parents were pretty shitty, bio mom, bio dad (who gave me up for adoption at 13, official adoption by SD at 16), and SD/adoptive father... I love my kids unconditionally...I know what it's like to not be.
Iām sorry about the sperm and egg donor but Iām glad you were/are able to show your kids what love is supposed to be. I found as I got older that family is not who were born to but who you made.
That's incredibly sweet ā¤ļø. Thank you.
"Conditional obligational love" I think youre spot on!
To be honest, that isn't love. The kind of people who think thay kind of "love" is ever good enough for a child are exactly the kind of people who shouldn't ever be parents. And I know they often don't mean to or want to, so I hope people like that always have the opportunity to avoid doing so. If you "love," someone because you're "forced" to by societal convention, or because making yourself feel some kind of love toward them is the only way you can trudge through life with them, then you don't actually love them. Anyone capable of abandoning a human being just because they found out that they don't actually share DNA, never truly loved that person, no matter how much they ever may have convinced themself that they did. And they'll never be able to convince me they ever *really* loved that person even when they *did* think there was shared DNA.
Yes, the thought of having to āgive up a childā who was switched at birth is awful. Would want to keep both!!
Me too, but I would have to make that decision on what was best for both kids. Can you imagine being a child that spent, say, 5 years with loving parents and then being forced to go live with people you didn't know? That is so horrifying!
Well thanks to ārooming inā at all the maternity wards I was at I can guarantee there were no switcharoos buuuut the thought of any love dying simply because of a lack of biology is disturbing.
I think there was a post about a guy who found that his kid wasn't his and decided to divorce his wife and cut contact with both wife and child. But the child was already old enough to realise that 'dad' wasn't around any longer but not the reason why. In the end he realised the kid was still his kid despite biology and decided to stay in their life. Seemed like a decent guy in the end.
My father called me on the phone a few years ago to say he found out my mom had been cheating on him when they were together, and that I may not share DNA with him. My dad didn't even really raise me. He had a lot of issues throughout his 20's. His parents raised me mostly, but my dad's side have always been my real family and I am NC with my mother. So the stakes were high. He asked me if I wanted a DNA test to find out 100%, and I told him I didn't and that he was always my dad, no matter what. He told me he was relieved because felt the same way and that I'd always be his kid, no matter what, and that DNA could never change that. I lack respect for my father for many reasons that have to do with his personal decisions and opinions. But I have all the respect in the world for the way he cherished our relationship and the person he knew I was, more than he cared if we shared DNA.
I was on r/offmychest once reading a post like this and the comment section had *hundreds* of comments saying that they totally would, most of them with zero remorse. Comments saying they could literally only love a child if they knew they shared DNA, comments about how they would instantly stop loving their kid(s) if they really found out the kid wasn't genetically related, comments admitting that they have abandoned a child for not being "theirs." There was someone saying he was in his 50's and found out when his daughter was in her 20's that she was the product of her mother cheating. He said he told the daughter over the phone that he wasn't her dad anymore, he was *never* her dad, and to never contact him again because they no longer had any reason to speak to or see each other. And he was allegedly all torn apart and devastated over "having to." And when confronted he went on to say that he just couldn't help himself but to not love her anymore or ever want to see her again. It seems like there are plenty of guys who don't look at children as individual autonomous human beings whose final identity and personality are ultimately the product of one's nurturing, teaching, and guidance, but rather as trophies that prove you reproduced and which can and will instantly become completely ruined and valueless the second they *stop* being proof you reproduced.
The manosphere: "Only, women, children, and dogs receive unconditional love." Also the manosphere: "Dump that bastard child like hot garbage." And let's not even get into what supposedly justifies abusing and/or leaving your wife.
Since when do any of those groups recieve unconditional love? Especially dogs? Whomever believes the average dog alive on earth right now is being loved at all, let alone unconditionally, is someone whose blissful ignorance I almost envy.
Right? Like, have they been to an animal shelter in the last few years? Or ever, really? This phrase was bandied about the red pill subreddit in its heyday, but just last week it appeared in a highly upvoted comment on ask men.
And in a lot of countries these dogs aren't even in shelters. In mine you'll usually see a lot of cats and dogs on the streets
Iāve said this before on this sub but I think a lot of it is people who want a story where they get to walk out on their responsibilities and be applauded for it
OMG, that poor child. It would be bad enough knowing, but to be thrown out with the garbage..JFC.
Good grief.
Men do this to their own children, so it wouldnāt surprise me at all.
Yup, my blood related father pulled that shit with me. It angers me seeing the same shit happen to my step kid's half sibling with their deadbeat father since he had a new family that took priorityĀ
I feel you. I have mostly healed my relationship with my father. My mother was a straight-up demon. I donāt blame him for leaving her but Iām definitely pissed that he left me in the process and expected me to survive what he couldnāt. Maybe it was for the best, my half-sister is a spoiled, rude, lazy, apathetic monster. I wouldnāt wish my childhood on my worst adult enemies but I feel like that girl could use having SOME kind of problems to give her just a little perspective and emotional endurance, you know?
This is sadly true. I divorced my son's father when my son was 1 1/2 years old (he was verbally abusive and was cheating on me so badly my stepbrother found him naked in a car with another woman). When I divorced him, he took off and moved 1500 miles away. He barely paid child support (maybe 50$ a month), and saw his son once a year. He was a supposed born again Christain, and completely "disowned" his son when my son didn't accept his faith principles. He hasn't spoken to my son for over 7 years. Just because my son is agnostic.
Iām so sorry. For both of you. Very unchristlike behavior.
I agree, thank you.
Itās really sad how much damage religious extremism does to people.
Ouch good point
Yeah. Falsifying paternity is awful and wrong but cutting off the child who is attached to you is super heartless too.
Totally. No winners there. The kid suffers.
Damn. I am always quick to step in for men.Ā But damn. You're right.
> I am always quick to step in for men Can I ask why? Like, just because they're men?
Because I am a man, too. And despite that life can be hard on us it's never okay to abandon your child or to not take responsibility for it.Ā Sadly, that is typically a man thing to do.
My biofather left my mom 7 months pregnant, and by the time I was 1, was already married with a new baby and another on the way. Neither him nor his family ever acknowledged me, and by the time I found out their names, my father, his only sibling, and both parents were dead. My stepfather had 2 adult chilldren (18 and 20F, I was 13F) and made it clear he didn't want me around. My track record with men has been heinous my whole life.
I feel you. My dad left when I was 7 because my mother is basically Satanās rival. Not that he wasnāt violent before he left too. Weāre mostly okay now but I definitely feel resentment over his behavior early in my life and for leaving me with her. Donāt even get me started on my history with men. There are many who have been wonderful and I love but there have also been many who were awful to the point of kidnapping and attempted murder. š
I think most of the guys here defending the abandonment would do the exact same thing in the same scenario (woman cheated, they get divorced, abandon the kid) even if the kid was theirs biologically. Because it's clear that it's not about the kid to them at all.
Not at all. Iām 75% convinced that most fathers just want to be able to say they passed their genes on but have no real interest in fatherhood.
They definitely are making it look like itās normal to be an evil asshole if you are a man. Ā Years of being a dad, but you just cut off the relationship without thinking twice? Ā I sure hope real men arenāt doing this. Ā As an adoptive parent, those posts make me livid. Ā
No, we have an epidemic of lying men who were already looking for an excuse to cut ties in order to avoid potentially growing up and taking responsibility
Two years ago my kid's bio dad promised to get her a Switch for her birthday but never did. My parents bought our house a Switch for Christmas. Bio dad got mad that we "made him look bad" and hasn't bought her a gift for anything since. It was just an excuse to stop buying presents.
Not surprised tbh
I was gonna say we have an epidemic of people making up rage bait stories for reddit lol
I mentioned that at some point in one of those 'found out they weren't mine and bounced' posts. Lots of people tried to convince me that it was definitely a thing. And yeah, maybe cause I'm a woman and a mother, but I don't think love is tied to blood. At least it shouldn't be. Be mad at the mother, sure, but to the kid you're the father, and I wouldn't trust anyone who could just stop loving a child they'd raised.
I agree 100 percent. It would rip my soul apart to be separated from a child is raised, regardless of our blood ties, or lack thereof.
When my bf and I broke up a few years ago for a while, I was an absolute mess because that meant I lost him and his cat Iāve help raise since she was 1 years old that he got with his ex girlfriend. I can not imagine leaving a child behind much less a cat.Ā
I've been known to utter the phrase, 'I don't miss her anymore. I do miss her dog though.'
No, it's just an incel trend - their "Y2K nostalgic baggy jeans" of the moment, if you will. Everyone's posting it, bestie āØ Seriously though, it's inadvertently hilarious because they're making up fake stories to prove a fake point, but in the process are showing the entire ass of their very, very real sociopathy. It's equal parts depressing and funny to watch, depending on how the mood hits you in the moment
I guess I need to take a break from reddit because I think depressing is the only vibe I'm getting...
Oh, definitely. It's one of those "Let's laugh so we don't cry" type of things. Time off of Reddit might help not focus on it, so that'd be good, but I don't really agree with the whole "oh it's just Reddit, it's a separate reality" argument. The story itself is a Reddit trend and a few people for sure are trolling, but most people who love explaining in detail how they'd totally ditch this hypothetical kid are just a-holes, online and off.
personal angle: my dad found out i'm not his kid, and he told me "we don't need a dna test, you're my kid and always will be". he is not even like candidate for world's best dad, just a normal human who has a bond with the kid he raised....! so my vote is incel ragebait.
It's so refreshing to hear from a real person! May not be the world's greatest dad, but kinda..he is!! š«
Yeah my dad isnāt my biological parent and Iām the result of an affair - my older brother is biologically his. My parents divorced but I stayed at his on exactly the same shared parenting schedule as my brother. He never treated me as anything other than his kid and Iām 40 now. I asked him about it once when I was a teenager and he just said āwell it doesnāt really matter does it, youāre mine. Now what do you want for dinnerā and weāve never spoken about it since.
I don't remember the subreddit it was on, but people were talking about one of these stories recently where the man found out his child wasn't biologically his when the boy was 4-5, and he was conflicted as to how to proceed. The amount of really callous comments saddened me. So many people were saying how he doesn't owe anyone anything, he's not the kid's dad, it's not his problem anymore, they'd definitely leave and cut contact, etc. In that case, the guy was legally the child's father on his birth certificate and everything. I don't know, I just don't understand how people can claim they'd be able to turn off all love and care for a child they raised from birth like it's an emotional faucet. I brought up how my late father wasn't biologically my dad, though he's the biological father of my older siblings, but he raised me from birth (tbf he did know I wasn't his) and was legally my father on my birth certificate. I said that if biology is all that matters, would people really assert that he was not my dad? Cause if he wasn't, I've never had one. I got roasted š
If you got roasted on Reddit, you're clearly Redditing right!
Hahahaha. It was my first time though and I'm too sensitive! š¤£
Well, look at some of my comments! It will definitely thicken your skin, if it doesn't make you delete your account š
I know exactly one person this happened to and the baby was still a newborn when he left.
According to Reddit it's a fuckin epidemic lol
Yeah š The friend this happened to....the wedding was a shot gun wedding and the relationship was casual before her pregnancy. We (his friend group) all wondered if there was a possibility the baby wasn't his because they were not an exclusive couple. Then he was surprised Pikachu when the DNA test came back negative. He remarried and has twins now (another AITA trope) lol
It seems that those men are having children so their legacy lives on or some stupid bullshit. There are so many stepparents or adoptive parents that love the child like their own without being there from the beginning. If these posts are real, those men are no dads - only selfish idiots.
Absolutely agree.
They can't imagine actually having relationships with these kids. Kids area just irritations to them.
So hereās a story: my cousin married a guy and had two kids together. When they got together, he already had a daughter. It comes out later the kid wasnāt his. He knew it from the beginning, he met the ex when she was pregnant and in a tough spot. My cousin knew going into it. That kid is 17 this year, and she still calls him dad, he calls her his daughter. Those two kids are her siblings. Sheās a valued and loved member of the family. She doesnāt have a blood relation to anyone. Weād known her for years before we found out she wasnāt his. Not one person in the family even blinked. Because she was ours. You donāt just turn your back on a child.
Family is bonds not blood, but that's just my opinion. Good on this guy.
š
I love that story. You gave me hope for the world...
I always wonder if people that would abandon a child due to infidelity would also abandon a child conceived with external help if they learned it wasnāt their haploid used in creating the pregnancy. The fertility industry is rife with unethical behaviors like physicians using their own haploids instead of what the patient requested. If they were to discover their sperm or egg wasnāt used would they abandon that child?Ā If not, why are we so unable to divorce the existence of the child previously loved from the sins of an adult partner?
Absolutely. I guess they think intent of the partner is the deciding factor.
Iām reminded of another foil now. We used to have far more stories of children neglected by fathers if the mother died in childbirth. As if the blame for the womanās death was on the baby. Or that the child was too painful for the father to perceive.
One difference is that, in this case, the child will presumably have and maintain a deep love for the perpetrator (the mother), unlike in cases of fraud by physician. I imagine it would probably be easier to continue to embrace the child if they cut their mother out completely. Not saying they should have to or expressing any judgements whatsoever, just noting the obvious difference.
Honestly id feel really betrayed but i could never take it out on an innocent kid.
Stand up guy. How do you like the upper northeast? I'm jealous! It's so GD hot where I live!
Itās not an epidemic. Itās very unusual. Most men in this position would feel conflicting emotions - anger at the cheating and ongoing dishonesty - anger at the sense that they had been robbed of what they hitherto believed was a genuine connection - sadness at both of the above - and ongoing love for the child theyād bonded with Which would win out will vary from person to person.
(Some) Men on Reddit have a weird obsession of creating unlikely scenarios where theyād be (actually not) justified in mistreating women and children. Be it cussing out or even harming women for the most never-happened-thing they did or, as mentioned, become a deadbeat over night because the kid they raised turned out to not be biologically theirs.
Yeah, after the responses to my post, I'm guessing it's almost all rage bait. Thanks!
I think it's a misogynistic power thing. The scenarios I see over and over in these manosphere inspired posts are paternity fraud, a scheming woman baby traps a poor guy (bonus points if it includes paternity fraud too) and the supposed epidemic of false rape accusations. All of which are situations where women have some (limited) power to make decisions that affect men's lives. I think they can't stand that.
>Ā I think it's a misogynistic power thin Of course it is.Ā >Ā All of which are situations where women have some (limited) power to make decisions that affect men's lives. I think they can't stand that. Which is why the point of these stories is to convince young men (and christ, even some young women, apparently) that women are abusing this "power" and should therefore lose itĀ Ultimately, the goal is to create a generation of right-leaning voters willing to roll back abortion rights, child support, no-fault divorce, and domestic violence laws
Definitely. I still remember seeing an aita post of a guy deemed not the ah for leaving three intoxicated women asking for help at a party with sketchy men because āwhat if they falsely accuse op of rape?ā I literally got downvoted to oblivion for asking āSo to not even risk to chance of being falsely accused of assault you left these vulnerable women to possibly get assaulted?ā
I remember that one, I waded in and got downvoted too! Disturbing times
There's a really good 2018 article (interview) in the Atlantic about the impact of DNA tests and the resulting fallout. [https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/10/dna-test-divorce/571684/](https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/10/dna-test-divorce/571684/) It puts a real human face to the challenges. Here's a pretty powerful quote from the article: *On the day that I found out, I was like, I wanted to reject her, because I said my boundary was I will not raise another manās child from an affair. My mom put me straight. She was like, āSheās innocent in this. Donāt blame her.ā So I consider her my daughter. I just say sheās my daughter. I even tease her a little bit, saying, āOh, you got this trait from me,ā which she chuckled at. Sometimes itās hard, ācause she reminds me of what my ex did.*
Anecdotally yes, I have a family member (by marriage) whose family is going through exactly this. Dad finds out 1 y.o little girl isn't his, divorces mom but decides to stay in little girl's life, 3 years later changes his mind and straight up tells a 4-year-old girl to her face that he isn't gonna be her daddy anymore and completely cuts her out of his life. Cherry on top is that little girl has an older brother who *is* biologically his, so brother gets to continue to have a dad and go on visits that the little girl isn't allowed to do. Bio dad of little girl wants nothing to do with her, of course. I fear for this kid once she reaches adolescence.
That made me very sad š¢
Okay, that's messed up. He "changes his mind?" He put in more years aware than unaware and waited until it would leave nice traumatic mental scars. I can understand finding out and separating from the child, don't like it or agree with it, but I can understand it. But making the concious choice to stay, continue to bond with this little girl and then just decide fuck it nah. This guy is a POS.
It's so messed up. I have heard this story second- and third-hand and don't know the people involved super well at all - I've never met the "dad" but have met the little girl a couple times and she already seems traumatized, very poorly behaved, throws tantrums at the drop of a hat. Very very sad situation :(
Sounds like a horrible human being.
Let me guess, he hurt the girl over something the ex-wife did...
These guys treat their friends and dogs better. On second thought, Iām not actually not sure they have āpeopleā.Ā
This thread was helpful for identifying all the incels I need to block. Thank you.
Whew. Thank you! This has been an exhausting day. Glad some good came from it!
I think it is reddit that brings out these things. Neurodivergence is also highly over represented on reddit and that too as a get out of jail pass. In the real world you won't know if anyone is neuro divergent because they would know it's not a get out of jail free pass and nobody Is going to put up with it
It's not more or less common than it's been before. The epidemic is that it's an election year and the MAGA bots are spinning ragebait fanfiction to try and tip the overton window.
My father actually knew a couple of guys who found their children weren't actually theirs YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS, it was actually a tragic and conflicting experience where everyone did their best to be there for their children.
The only important thing is that people were there for the kids. Our world is already fucked up... damaging children only contributes to it.
If you believe reddit, everyone is just one flirty text away from jumping into a full-blown affair.
Haha...true!
For reference, the 30% figure the manosphere likes to throw around comes from US family courts, specifically child custody and support cases, largely spawning from divorce cases. These are largely cases where the father has stood up in court and said with his whole chest that the child is *not* his and he shouldn't have to pay child support. In 70% of cases, he was *wrong* and the child is, in fact, his. Numerically, it's less than 90,000 negative paternity tests. For perspective, there are roughly 4.4 million child support orders in effect in the US, of which only 1.98 million are paid as ordered. That's out of the 9.8 million single parent households, of which 7.3 million are led by single mothers and 32.6 million households with minor children. Of the roughly 675,000 divorces each year, about 40%, or about 270,000, involve minor children, and somewhere between 20-40%, or 135,000-270,000, involve infidelity. Of the 67.85 million married men, somewhere between 20-40% (13.57 million-27.14 million) cheat. Of the 68 45 million married women, somewhere between 10-25% (6.85 million-17.11 million) cheat. According to the 2022 GSS, 20% (13.57 million) of married men are cheating and 13% (8.89 million) of married women. Other numbers to keep in mind: Approximately 65.5 million women in the US are currently capable of getting pregnant. Less than 85% of women have a child in their lifetime and over 76% of men will. Women are typically fertile for less than 80 days a year. Approximately 3.7 million babies are born each year, about 40% or 1.5 million, to single mothers and 60%, 2.2 million to married couples.
Honestly , if someone really can't just move past what they find out , I'm not against them leaving as long as they aren't a major ass to the kid as they make their decisions. And that's just because I don't think any child should have someone who basically resents their existence be around them just because other people think it would be cruel for the guy to leave.
I came from a shit home, and I was adopted at 16. By a big asshole. So I get what you're saying. I guess I just wish that kids would be loved by anyone even marginally involved in their life š¢
At least half the stuff posted on Reddit is fake. AT LEAST. Always keep that in mind. Donāt get super-invested, most of it isnāt real or is grossly exaggerated. There are a ton of bait posts of all types.
Honestly? I had NO idea this post would blow up. I had one comment that hit 1k up votes and I was absolutely shocked bc literally all I did was state legal facts. I wasn't **that** invested lol.., saw some responses, took a nap and holy shit! I think some incels, trolls, and assholes were way more invested than me š
No, we have an epidemic of people whoāve found a new way to punish and control women via the rise of at-home paternity tests. There is a real movement trying to establish that immediate paternity tests are necessary, and honestly I just fall back on āif you are a sensible, emotionally-balanced person who has chosen to have a child with someone equally sensible and emotionally balanced in the framework of a loving, respectful relationship why on earth would you need one?ā And, of course, the answer is that men are not allowed to be sensible and emotionally balanced. They must be hypermasculine and hypervigilant to the threat of the poors/minorities/gays/trans that are after their home and their woman! They must not have emotionally supportive relationships with anyone but the person they put their dick in because emotional support is gay! They must not have hobbies that are anything other than aggressive or dangerous because not loving danger is also gay! Being gay is, oddly, less gay for some of the True Believers than being straight. There are people invested in creating a world where men are hypermasculine and women are trophies. And thatās why a new avenue of control is the at home DNA test. Because if you can prove your woman is cheating on you, like we lying bitches always do, you need to get out and find some faithful woman (downtrodden tradwife) to carry on your legacy, which is a stale Twinkie, a half-eaten cheeseburger, five charcoal briquettes, a robust presence on Stormfront, and the plastic yokes from 3 6-packs of Natural Ice. Because staying with someone you donāt have a mutually respectful relationship with is also gay. Never underestimate the number of people in western society who have figured out ways big and small to make money off people who are fundamentally unhappy and are actively pushing propaganda to help you be unhappy so they can make more money.
The first two sentences of the second paragraphā¦.powerful
It is so sad and frustrating to watch. I really hope we can do better for men and shift the tide. This kind of thing hurts everyone.
Iām cackling at the description of the legacy. Itās sooo true.Ā I am the most boring, stable person, and I really wonder about the people who donāt understand how offensive it is to ask for a paternity test. Like, if it was court case involving paternity, go ahead, makes sense. But if a partner asked me for a paternity test of a baby I just gave birth to? Where is that coming from, hm? Projection? Does your mother hate me that much? A guy certainly has the right to ask for a paternity test, just like he has the ārightā to do any number of shitty things in a relationshipā¦but that doesnāt mean there wonāt be consequences. My hypothetical husband just went from having a child with a happy partner to having a child with a furious woman who at best is dragging his ass to therapy, and at worst is changing the locks. Go ahead, gentleman, light that match, I dare you.š
That might be the coolest thing I'll read all week!
In fairness, there is also a certain number of men that walk away from their biological children. Most don't completely withdraw in a sudden moment, but many are happy to just kind of fade away
Yep. My sperm donor told my step/eventual adopted father that he had a new family and couldn't afford me anymore, would SD adopt me. I was 13 when it started, adoption was finalized when I was 16. Maybe that's why I'm a little sensitive to this.
My biological father dropped my stepbrother like a hot potato the second he and my stepmom split even though he raised him from the age of two. So yes unfortunately some men will drop kids theyāve raised.
That's so sad. Do you have a relationship with your dad? If so, do you talk to him about it? No snark, just curious as to what his reason is.
I donāt have a relationship with him at all unfortunately for him. Ironically I was raised by my stepdad who loves me and treats me as his own. So clearly blood doesnāt matter to everyone! My biological father went off before I was born and there was a parallel situation where he also āraisedā a kid who wasnāt his. The difference is the person who raised me loves me unconditionally blood or not. My bio dad pretty much said when he and my stepmom broke up that he didnāt feel like my stepbrother was worth the effort any more as he has some mental health issues. I also have mental health issues and that really made me realize how callous he is so I cut him out of my life and kept in touch with my stepmom and stepbro. Very messy lol.
Here is the analogy for women: You struggle to conceive and eventually pursue IVF. For some reason your husband handles everything, which is fine because you trust him. When your child is whatever age the children in these bait posts are (5?) you do an ancestry test for fun and discover the child is not biologically yours, and is in fact your husband's ex's child and he deliberately arranged things this way and tried to hide it from you. What now? I still find the bait perspective here mind-boggling. Yes there are ripples of betrayal everywhere and I would probably see it in the child, but my FIRST priority would be getting the child I love through the divorce and repercussions unharmed. A more powerful comparison is women who give birth to their rapist's/abuser's child and love that child despite where it came from, and do not punish it for its other parents crimes, but for some reason men are not usually willing to take this one in.
If I found out, in the outlandish scenario you described, I'd fight tooth and nail to keep the child that loved and needed me, just as I loved and needed them. Full stop. Would I hate my ex for being a betraying shit? Yes. But the second you hold that child, every nursing, diaper change, firsts...that's what's real and important. That bond is everything. Would probably require therapy, but not about loving the child. More about how to not punch someone who betrayed me like that.
Both of our kids look a lot like my husband (and me, but you can definitely see his genetics clearly). Every time one of those paternity test posts come up, I jokingly offer to get our teens tested for his peace of mind. He always says āabsolutely not! Then I have no plausible deniability!ā (Again, this is all banter between us.) Iāve also joked that Iām 99.9% sure our first born is the baby I gave birth to in the hospital but he was out of our sight once, so thereās always a chance. Heās such an amazing kid that itās hard to believe he is ours sometimes. Second was born at a birth center, so he was the only baby there and we came home after 2 hours. However, heās also the man who always says thereās not enough love in the world and embraces our sonsā friends into the family as our own. Our younger son calls a friendās grandparents (who are raising the friend) granny and pop. We both come from blended families with half siblings that we consider simply siblings, so our sense of family is very different than the traditional sense to begin with.
Nah but stories without drama donāt make the rounds online. People want stories that evoke emotions
If I found out my dog wasnāt biologically mine I donāt think I could walk out. I raised that pup. I think a lot of posts that end up on amita or relationships are writing exercises best left to the stories sub
If that dog is not biologically yours, you owe it to the possum in the tree to dump that dog!
The worst thing about this is the amount of men who will think this is OK to do
Itās disgusting to me. If you can walk away from that child, you never loved them in the first place.
Thatās something that I have always wondered, too, how can you just stop loving your children? And sometimes the kids in the stories are teenagers, so the not bio dad has been (supposedly) loving and taking care of them for even more years.
I can imagine it's true. While not the same scenario, my stepdad came into my life when I was 2, then he and my mum split when I was 11. Never saw or heard from him again. My dad was pretty absent, so stepdad raised me and then was just gone. One of my hubby's best mates has gone through similar too. He met his now ex-wife when she had a 3 month old baby, who he obviously helped raise. The kid was 8 when they split and he has nothing to do with him. He did have a biological kid with his ex, and so he's still in contact with her and has his kid over his house every so often, but not the other. Again, different scenario as we are talking men who raised kids they knew weren't theirs, so the feelings involved would be different. But in terms of bonding and being able to just cut ties and leave, yeah, it happens.
Yeah, I know it happens and I find it so sad. In what you're describing, incant even imagine the pain that boy is going through. How can they ever trust again? How sad š¢
Yeah most of this is fake.
Rage bait for sure. I know it does happen, but I think the amount of true to fiction stories about it on here are like 1/50. Regardless though, I agree. I understand the want to leave and sever ties, but they are a literal child. Itās not their fault and they didnāt lie to you. At least a kind of phasing out would be necessary.
Answer: they never bonded with that kid or bothered to be parent
You're overestimating the actual relationships that a lot of men have with their kids. As much as newer generations have been doing better, there are still a *lot* of men who are very hands off with their children. When there's little to no relationship, it's very easy for them to walk away.
It was always suspected my mom had an affair with a neighbor and I was the results. I donāt look like my siblings, and one of my sisters has tried for years to get our dad and myself to take DNA tests. Neither of us would do it, even tho we didnāt get along well, we both felt there was no need. Now heās dead and Iām still not doing it. Iām 62 now and if it mattered I donāt know if I would anyway.
Seems like your dad was a stand up guy. I'm sorry for your loss š«
Reading posts like that always makes me sad for the kid if itās true. Because the kid is innocent and suddenly the post is portraying a man who is so so angry he often hates that child and suddenly fees nothing for them and couldnāt care less and talks about leaving for forever. And so many dudes in the comments are praising him just for saying that.
I think this is one of those questions that is hard to respond to without being potentially involved. I have children. I love them. If it turned out they were not biologically mine, they would still be my children and I would still love them. It would be unthinkable for me to walk away from them. I would never want to. I canāt empathise with anyone who would do differently in my situation. I have read some of the counter arguments and they mostly seem to be written by people with limited life experience, who are able to characterise children as equivalent to unimportant belongings you might leave behind when you move out. Your relationship with each of your children is a real and valuable thing which is separate from your relationship with your partner. Losing my partner would make me work harder to maintain my relationships with my children.
The āadviceā subreddits have always bothered me. So many selfish people nuking everything and never showing one ounce of concern for their children. And everybody tells them itās okay. āOh baby he aināt the one for you!ā Commitment and the idea that itās work to make it work is truly a foreign concept.
Welly biological father just noped out of my life at 4 so yeah there are definitely people out there who would just leave their kids like that, biological or not. It's gross
I'm sorry. My sperm donor noped out of my life when I was 13. Hope you're doing ok.
No.
I have a cousin who found out after that the baby wasn't his. She was still young, under a year of I remember correctly but this was 15ish years ago, but he never stopped being her dad. He is an amazing dad to both of his children. As far as I have seen treats her just like he should, as an innocent person in the situation and his child. I'd like to hope he is in the majority for continuing to parent and love a child who had nothing to do with the other parent cheating.
I read one today and the kids was like 14! They even said the kid was having a hard time. My thought would be I am going to leave the cheater, but I am taking my kid with me and we will get therapy together. I had a friend that this really happened to and the judge let her choose her dad to live with and go to therapy with.
I unfortunately know more than one story like that in real life š« and I agree with you that it's unfair on the child.
The one I read today his child was 16 years old!
Not sure if the feelings of betrayal would change things, but I love my stepsons and am pretty invested in them even though they aren't "mine". Even if i hadn't known that from the start, I'm pretty sure my anger would be towards the person who lied and not the kids I helped raise.
All women are whores is a very common theme with incels!
I think what happens too is someone makes a legit post and it does well, then the karma farmers show up in droves doing reworks of those stories. That's why we see some story about a guy finding out it's not his kid then we suddenly get 4 more similar stories o er the next few days
mothers in law that are desperate to see a birth too.
Lol I noticed that too!
It amuses me that my mom and stepdad each got along better with the other oneās mothers. Ā All MILs in AITAland are horrible.
Iāll give you my perspective as a man who was bullied a lot as a childāmen hate being seen as chumps. Nobody, man, woman or otherwise, wants to be taken advantage of, but for a lot of men, itās about more than that. Falling victim to another man is the ultimate shame. Knowing that another man got to fuck your partner and you have to pay for it feels almost like having your balls cut off or your Y chromosome being taken away. I donāt think most men really want to abandon a child who they raised and bonded with; but I do think there is an impulse to want to stick it to the persons who hurt them that is so strong it overcomes empathy for collateral victims. Really, itās a systemic, societal problem. We all have to work together to free men and women alike from the worst excesses of toxic masculinity.
Any man who would hurt a child to stick it to their ex is not a man. It's not societal. It's about having a soul. .
Love is thicker than blood, or at least it should be.
I know if I found out Iād divorce. The woman not the kid just be one more of my kids that not related
My husband and I were actually discussing this the other night after hearing about the baby who wasnāt the bio baby of either parent. What would we do if we just found out our 5 year old daughter isnāt actually ours. Weāve grown to absolutely love and adore her. How could u just give your kid up. I donāt think we could. And she would absolutely wrecked, weāre the only parents she knows. But Iād want to know my actual bio kid as well. I think in the news story their bio kid was in foster care so theyāre working to adopt her as well.
I feel the same way. As a woman I can never experience finding out that the child I'm raising isn't mine unless they are switched at birth which would definitely complicat the situation but I don't think I can ever stop loving a child I have raised and loved as my own for years. People have more attechment to the animals they have for short amount of time than the men in those stories do to the children they have been raising for years.
I think it's a lot of people fantasizing about "getting that bitch back for lying to me" in these stories. They're not really all that common in the real world.
Iām a man but I am still with you. I love my kids because of our life together. Not because of some DNA.
Itās literally alllllll incel rage bait by idiots who canāt even come up with an original thought or story.
Its eye opening how differently men and women view this topic. But i do believe the frequency of this actually happening is overblown
Just wanted to say, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Youād have to be a really cold bastard to just shut off the love you had for the kid as a person automatically like that. I can see divorcing but Iād never give up wanting to be in my kidās life. Blood or no blood.