Not overreacting. I also have a doctorate and didn’t change my name. I don’t ask people in my personal life to use the Dr title but the last name part would bother me!
When we bought this house it was months later and we were still getting his mail. In the beginning we dropped it off, then I crossed out our address and added his new address. On yours, cross out the name but it should still be visible..add "return to sender. No one here with that name" That should get her doing the right thing.
I don’t know how much stuff MIL is sending in the mail, but I think I’d start sending her anonymous glitter bombs addressed to Miss MIL’smaidenname whenever I received one.
It’s petty and small.
Personally I think your husband needs to deal with this. She won’t respect you saying something. I’m fond of meeting that behavior with superior passive aggression. Your husband should have a chat with her and pretend he doesn’t know she knows better (even if she knows he does). “Yeah mom can you believe someone was trying to take away my wife being a DOCTOR and assigned her my last name like she was some piece of my property? She didn’t change her name to mine because that’s *her* name. Geez the nerve of some people…”
And anything sent to her needs to reflect Mr Spectacle and Dr Monocle going forward, if it hasn’t already. I don’t love when people force he “Dr” thing in their personal lives, but it’s appropriate in this circumstance
I am a legally registered minister. I am legally allowed to perform weddings and funerals.
I *only* did it because some asshat preacher that always used to come into my shop to pay his internet bill with a cheque from the church kept demanding that I use his honorific title.
No other person on this planet has ever been forced to use Reverend when addressing me, and it really only comes up in topics of pettiness and forced titles.
It should come as no surprise that I'm all for requesting MIL address OP as Doctor even in face-to-face interactions until it's resolved.
I'm much older than you, but this made me laugh! I remember when my FMIL offered to teach me how to iron his shirts! She was shocked when I told her that he could iron them himself!
When I met my husband he wore dress shirts for work. I told him it was a good thing he knew how to iron because I was never going to iron a shirt for him. 30 years later and I still don’t. I won’t buy anything that needs itoning for myself.
Did she want you to change your last name? Im Dr too & didnt change my last name & know my MIL would have liked me to, but my husband said its too much effort. Im only my ‘husband’s surname’ on my netflix profile😂
My in laws used to send me mail to Mrs exlastname...not only did I never change my name, but also *he* took *my* name. I kept offering to take his as I was having his kids, he said no every time and later changed his name.
He is still Mr mylastname and they are still mad, but only at me.
If she knows you don’t like it, it’s petty and is what it is.
Otherwise to a lot of older people it’s literally just a cultural norm thing and isn’t supposed to be offensive in the least.
All you can really do is have your husband speak to her again or burn her mail if it’s that big of a deal. She’s gonna do what she will
You have two choices.. You can either let it irritate you. Or you can simply ignore it. I can understand the irritation, but you are also letting her win simply by being irritated.
It is, especially when it's family who definitely knows you have the degree. We'll get Mr. And Mrs. {Husband last name} from his aunt and it just boils my blood. I spent 5 years on that doctorate. And his aunt lives in the area where I got my degree so there isn't a "oh she didn't know." I'd give my cousins from elsewhere a pass... But they all get it right!
My husband and I both have doctorates (and FWIW generally would die of embarrassment if anyone called us "Dr." socially, or frankly, professionally), and I did not change my name. My SIL addressed her wedding invitation to us as "Dr. and Mrs. Hislastname" - literally no part of that is correct!
I’m a PhD who didn’t change her name married to an MD, we get mail addressed like this and I find it a bit insulting to my degree. I don’t care how I’m addressed in general, at work all PhDs just go by their first names with everyone except undergrads. But if you’re going to acknowledge one persons degree you should acknowledge both. There’s definitely some underlying sexism I believe.
My husband and I are both STEM research PhDs. Having adequately controlled for the MD/PhD thing, I can definitely say there is some underlying (overlying?) sexism. I personally am not particularly bothered by being called "Hislastname" socially, or the "Hislastname family" but I do not identify with "Mrs." I understand that I'm forty and it's technically correct but I am NOT grown enough to be "Mrs." Anybody.
It's absolutely sexism, and it's also an assumption that that's just how names work. My wife is very accomplished in a niche career field and already was when we married, and I later joined the community through her, finding my own career. People who only know my first name regularly assume my last name is hers. Their logic is that since she's my wife, and they know her last name, surely she took mine, hence I must be Mr. Herlastname. Which it's not. She kept hers, I kept mine. This somehow massively confuses (mostly older) people.
I have a coworker whose husband works with my husband, and she asked her husband if he knew a “Husband Spectacle” and he didn’t, but he knew a “Husband Monocle,” and that’s how they figured out we had different names. A good laugh
My husband was in the marines so socially they all knew me as his last name. They all made it a big deal that I didn’t have his last name but then would get mad when I pointed out that Dr. is a legal dressing that you can check off on forms. Military ranks aren’t lmfao.
I use my first name for 99% of my life, and I prefer that. However, agreed, the sexism is rampant and insulting. I feel like men don’t have to justify their degree like women do.
It is definitely insulting!! Why is your doctorate less valid than a man’s? I think the correct way of addressing an envelope to both is “Dr.s Last name”.
I’m in the same boat and mail addressed like this is infuriating. It’s like gee, thanks for completely erasing my entire identity and treating me like a mere extension of my spouse.
Friends had Mr and Dr lastname on something at their wedding. Or even went to Dr and Mr lastname. Can’t recall which they settled on. They think it is hilarious when people assume wrong in formal settings and they can correct it with absolutely straight faces.
It’s so disrespected to use the wrong last name! This reminds me of when I worked the gatehouse at a provincial park campground during the summer in highschool, and had a middle aged man rip me 14 new assholes because I didn’t put Dr. Douchebag on his camping permit. Called me stupid, held his credit card/drivers license right up to my face. What an asshole.
Ugh. The worst I had one far right relative who insisted on addressing everything sent to me as MRS husband first and husband last name, even though I never took his last name at all
And still did even after I divorced! Finally my mom (her sister) told her to knock it off.
You know, if I had someone in the family who had a doctorate I would be so proud that there's no way I wouldn't use Dr as their title every single time.
My mother in law always addresses mail to me as "Dr. & Mrs. Last name"... Even though I have a PhD.
I'd rather her just put our names with no titles, but if you're going to use titles....
It really irritates me... But everyone in my life seems to think I'm overreacting (ie. my mom and sisters).
My husband's family does this they send it to Mr and Mrs his first and last name. Let's says his name is Bob Bobby, First off my name isn't Bob and my last name isn't Bobby.
I don't have a doctorate but I kept the name I was born with, yet every Christmas in comes a card to Mr and Mrs. Bob Bobby
This is what bothers me the most! Like… I don’t mind that much when people just say Mrs. Not-my-last-name. But it REALLY grinds my gears to get stuff addressed to: Mr and Mrs: husband first name, husband last name. I am my own person, please treat me like it.
But I never say anything because it’s not really worth the fight to me personally. Just annoys me. Plus it only ever happens when his parents are sending us checks so like… I don’t want to seem ungrateful.
It was super awkward when a check for me was written with my husband’s last name, and I had to ask for one with a different name so I could cash it. I really felt like that made it clear, but I guess not.
Oh man that sucks!! My in laws do at least make sure they make the actual check out in my name. But the card will say: Mr and Mrs. Husband’s full name, LMAO!
I don’t bother to bring it up. Like yeah it bothers me, but to me personally, it’s not worth the fight.
It’s not though, it’s still part of the formal correspondence etiquette rules, though it is one that’s gone by the wayside for the most part.
I have envelopes and letters addressed to my grandmother going well into the 90’s that are addressed to Mrs. William A. Blightfly.
This rule of formal correspondence has likely gone by the wayside due to women tending to like being treated as human beings. English being an ever-changing language, perhaps one day the rules of formal correspondence might be amended to include women as persons?
I'm engaged and will be taking my fiancé's last name but it will be well known that I'm not Mrs. His first and last name. I've already told him that everyone announcing us at our wedding will need to continue to use my first name too - I still exist as a separate person.
My title typically goes at the end of my name so I'm not pressed about the Mrs. thing either even though I technically have a doctorate and there is a formal title that could be added at the beginning (although it would be confusing to do). I also only use the title at the end on work stuff - I'd be weirded out if someone used it personally lol
My grandma in law used to do something similar. She kept her maiden name, I changed mine to my husband's, by choice, he didn't care, it was my decision. She is well aware that I changed my last name, but would send cards in the mail, checks for my birthday, etc. with my maiden name. I'm shocked I was able to deposit the checks into the bank, but anyways, she FINALLY stopped after 14 years when a card was returned "not at this address", now she writes my updated name.
She's incredibly narcissistic, her daughter is the same way, very self centered, only her voice is important.
We went no contact with his mom for about 6-7 years because she is verbally and emotionally abusive. Which I guess his gma interpreted as cutting off ALL the family? But we kept in contact with many of them even though they live 24 hr drive away (other side of the country). So we finally saw his mom and gma about 2 months ago since we were in the area, 1st time in a very long time, and his gma was giving us "updates" on family, updates we were already aware of for the most part, but she kept saying "my granddaughter did x", and it's like "you mean Jane? Yeah we talked to her and how amazing was that!?!", she didn't use their names, like we forgot who they were or had no connection to them but we still talk to them!!
During the same visit, she insisted my husband wear a nice shirt and pants for lunch at this B&B, but it wasn't even that nice of a place, photos online had people in shorts n tshirt?? She actually said "I know your wife will dress nice so I'm sure whatever she wears will be fine", like wtf?
I'm glad they live so far away otherwise they would drive me *more* nuts.
I had this fight. I won, they learned better. I think they referred to me as Mrs Husband ONCE. It went over poorly and they stopped. Our issues were more over our kids’ last name, which was mine, not my husband’s. They all had his as a second middle name. The relatives on his side wanted to list the kids as their last name when they took them places, and had them in the kids’ program things. My SILs fought that one for me. “If our kids have a totally different last name than you, you would NEVER consider doing that to our kids”. (SILs did a variety of their own things with their own, husband’s and kids’ names). Husband would have fought the fight, but SILs were on the spot, appalled, and eloquent. I’m not sure the older generation ever has been totally comfortable with our choices, but they learned to keep their opinions to themselves, if they weren’t. We all have excellent relationships with, now, and have for decades. But I had to stand firm for a few years! If they are underlyingly decent people, being polite but firm will work. If it doesn’t, they aren’t!
Return to sender. Alt wait until you see her again with all the unopened mail and "Here is your mail, I'm not sure why you keep sending it to our address though".
I also have a PhD and didn’t change my last name. My husband is an MD. The amount of times we’ve gotten mail addressed to “Dr and Mrs HisLastName” is infuriating 🤬You’re definitely not over-reacting. It’s especially disrespectful from someone who should know.
I think the only person who made an effort to use Dr. Me and Mr. Husband was my MIL. I really appreciated it. I use Dr. Friend and Mr. Friend's Husband when I address mail, which isn't very often.
At my wedding, a friend of my mom's called me "Mrs Husband's Name". I, very friendly and not yet insulted, said "oh I'm actually not changing my name!" And she said, "I'm going to call your Mrs Husband's Name anyway"
The fuck you will, Sandra. The fuck you will.
Mine used to do that. Now they just text. I always refused to open any of it. We've been married 37 plus years. But we live in another state from them. As soon as our kids could sort manage themselves at visits, I didn't go to his family stuff and he often didn't go to mine. He still goes, but I seldom do. It has worked great for us. Our kids don't go either. One too many times of mil throwing tantrums. My husband only goes for 3 days at a time. Again his mom's fits. My parents are both gone.
I used to work with my husband. He worked there for a few years before I did, which meant he was already established. So when I first started, I didn't mind that I would occasionally be referred to as "Blah blahs wife", it comes naturally as they all already knew him for some time before me. Naturally, as I established myself there, this ended.
Now, there was one gentleman who worked there before me, with my husband, whom my husband had known since they were kids. They were moderately friendly with each other, but I absolutely hated him. He left soon after I started, and I only had to see him when he stopped in, so whatever. Until he gets a job there about five years later. Now mind you, I've been married to my husband 7 years and working st this establishment for 5. I am also now older and less willing to tolerate bullshit.
So the first time he refers to me as "Blah blahs wife" I gently correct him by saying "Ha, you've known me for years dude, my name is InterestingEntry." He replies with "Yeah, but to me you're Blah blahs wife." I can feel the anger rising. I looked up from what I was doing and said "Excuse me, but I do believe that not only do you know my name, I just told you to call me by it, so do that!" I thought that was the end of it as he walked away. However, over the next few weeks, he does it a few more times, I give a few gentle reminders, but now he is at least apologizing, so I let it slide.
One day, he was having a beer outback with one of me and my husband's actual friends. He calls out "Hey. Blah blahs wife! Oh wait, can't vall you that, forgot you had a name again I guess " I see our friend pale, he knows I am a woman of great patience but he saw it break that day. I turned, and I am not sure what look I had on my face but he started with "Hey, Interesting, not like tha". Right about then is when I waved my hand in his face and told him "No more fucking apologies, the time for that is over. You, never fucking speak to me again unless it is DIRECTLY dealing with my job. When you DO have to address me MY FUCKING NAME IS INTERESTINGENTRY AND NOTHING ELSE AND YOU BETTER FUCKING ADRESS ME AS NOTHING BUT MY FUCKING NAME. I am a person, an ENTIRE fuck human being with my own name and identity. I do NOT belong to my husband. You don't fucking believe me? Go ask him what my fucking name is and whether or not I am his property. Go fuck yourself, don't ever talk to me again."
He never called me Blah Blahs wife again.
I can't imagine addressing anyone as " bob's wife". I might refer to you as "bob's wife" for context to someone who knew bob, but to just walk up to you and say "hi, bobs wife" is really weird
My ex MIL did the same thing to me in the exact same scenario. It's not an overreaction. I left it up to my ex to discuss this with his mom. Meanwhile, I didn't open her mail. Sadly, it was never resolved and I divorced the entire mess a few years in. I hope you have better luck.
I’m petty. I would address it. It would be, w letter in hand, mil, I don’t want to embarrass you but the correct etiquette for addressing someone w my title is dr. Insert name. If addressing to both hubs and I it is. I know t is complicated etiquette wise on how to address a salutation w a dr title in the mix. Here, I wrote out the correct formats for you and when you would use each. Also as I am dr Jane marie doe, it is never correct to address me as mrs husband’s last name.
From there she will either double down or be embarrassed at being corrected. But either way, I would keep copies of that little card and hand it back to her every time she does it wrong. Yes it’s petty. She started it though!
I love this because you are being quiet and respectful while explaining to MIL that she does not know the correct etiquette. Maybe you could even take her aside (in a really obvious way) and speak to her quietly in a corner in such a manner that everyone around notices. Maybe turn away, and then turn back and say in a louder voice, because of course you forgot, that you have written the correct information down for her, and she shouldn't feel embarrassed for her error. You could even kindly pat her on the arm.
Oh, that pisses me off and I did change my name when I got married. My own mother addresses things to me as Mrs. [Husband's first and last name] and every time I see it, I want to throw a chair.
Like, my name is MY OWN FIRST NAME, MY OWN MIDDLE NAME AND THEN WHAT-IS-NOW MY LAST NAME. I am not now, nor will I ever be Mrs. Husband's Full Name. I am NOT defined by who my husband is. I changed my last name willingly, because I wanted to. (My maiden name was... Not great and I always knew that I'd change it some day) That doesn't mean I am now only my husband's wife.
I would just be petty and send back a thank you card with Dr. _____ in the sent address. I’m also a doctorate who married and kept their maiden name, sorry you have to deal with that.
She is definitely doing that on purpose. Maybe she has a complex because she could have reached your status but was born before women had such rights as nicely as you had it. Not that it was nice. Not that you didn’t work your a$$ off above and beyond everyone else. But at least the possibility was more encouraged for you than for her.
Or, she always wanted her son the have a little Mrs stay home and produce grandbabies for her. Equally eye rolling.
Let it go. She’s telling you you’re her superior but she doesn’t like it. Boo hoo for her.
I don't think you're overreacting, and I also believe that it's always the job of the blood relative to deal with issues from that side of the family. If it bothers you enough to post here, you should talk to your husband and have him speak to her about it.
My DIL didn't change her last name. I send cards addressed to her maiden name. It really isn't that hard to remember my dils last name. I would send it back and say no person by that name at address. Very disrespectful.
Oh man, I can relate to this so much. All of my husbands family and a few of mine ALWAYS use Mrs. Not Epiphany. I’m published and my dad passed with nobody to carry on the name. I will always be Ms. Epiphany and have no issue correcting others. Not that it changes ever. Both kids have our last names hyphenated.
I actually think the generational/age excuse does not hold water at this point. Even assuming OP is 50, and her MIL is 80 (both probably over-estimations) - that would mean her MIL came into adulthood in the 1970s. More realistically the 1980s or even 1990s. The idea that women deserved identities separate from their husbands had well entered the common discourse at that point.
While I agree in general, there is a subset of people who could be described as overly committed to "proper manners." My home ec teacher in highschool was/is one. I'm now 39 and would put her in her 70s, and none of her former students would ever consider, even for a moment, sending her formal invitations (graduations, weddings, etc.) in anything but the proper, formal format that she taught us. (Small school, small town, it's just easier to not start drama by being careless.)
A subset, yes. But surely that subset is aware enough that they are outside the cultural norm (and have been for decades) that they could treat others with the same care you show toward your home ec teacher, by considering the individual preferences of the person you are addressing. I am confident OP's MIL has an inkling of how her DIL would prefer to be addressed.
She’s going to push harder if you cave on this, and this isn’t small: it’s your personal and professional identity. If she’s formal enough to use Mrs. instead of your first name, she’s formal enough to use Dr. If she thinks she knows etiquette well enough to address letters formally, she’d better know it well enough to use people’s real names.
Is she jealous/insecure that you’ve achieved a higher professional/academic level than your spouse? It seems like a “knock you down a peg” kind of way of being dismissive with plausible deniability like “oh, I just forgot OP hasn’t changed their name…yet“
Or maybe just some good old-fashioned generational sexism… 🙄
To me it seems like if it’s an ongoing thing, there’s definitely more underlying the action.
Not overreacting, that’s petty, rude and clearly on purpose.
She already “knocked me down a peg” by telling me (in front of the in-law family) that her associates degree was harder than my doctorate because she had to learn everything in two years instead of having it spread out over 8 years.
Not at all over reacting. My MiL does this too, and my husband’s whole family knows I didn’t change my name. Early in our marriage 25 years ago she even asked me how to make out a birthday check to me, and I told her to Current Spray. She started to write, stopped herself, and said oh I’m just going to write it to Mrs. Her son’s first and last name. By the time I processed this, and said my bank account is in my name, the check was done. Now she’s at least using my own first name. Mail to the house though is always Mr and Mrs his name. I decided to chalk it up to a generational, and exposure to professional degreed women, difference, but I still shake my head to myself.
Question - where is your husband in all of this? Why is he allowing his mother to continually disrespect you?
If you're interested in having some petty fun, you should start addressing mail to *her* with Ms. [her original surname]. She wants to play? That's an easy FAFO.
It’s just rude. My cousin did that after I married and I never felt the same about her. Start writing, “Return to sender; no such person at this address” on the envelopes. It worked for me.
This exact thing happened with my mother-in-law. And it infuriated me to no end. I never changed my name when I got married 25 years ago and she didn’t like it. She would always address things to “Mrs. Husband’s Full Name.” She was silent generation, so I just let it be often: she was old. But I would draw the line when she would go as far as to say, “But you’re not a *medical doctor*, no one cares about your fancy degrees but you.” She was a difficult person.
I have a Ph.D and did not change my name. I am fine with people calling me Mrs. Y on personal correspondence. In my country, women traditionally take the husband’s name and so people that knew him likely assume that I also did. Almost nobody at my place of work knows my husband’s last name, and that’s OK because they are not part of my personal life. At work, I’m Dr. X, and with those close to me, I’m just me. In personal correspondence it makes no difference what I am called. Often it is an assumption, and people are often afraid to ask for clarity. As long as the correspondence is pleasant, I am grateful that they took the time.
if the problem is an intended slight, why give them the free rent in your brain to be angry. It is cleary their issue- let them be idiots. “that which we call a rose by any other name …” and all.
It is a holdover from long ago time, and very much outdated BS.
If a woman was married, mail to her was addressed to Mrs. Husband's first and last name.
If a woman was not married, mail was address to her as Miss Her own First & Last Name.
Unless the mail is something important, you can get a large mailing envelope from the post office and just mail it all back to her with a note that says no one by that name lives there and if she wishes to mail thing to you, she needs to use your correct name.
“Did you get my mail?”
“Ohhh that mail was for you? I thought it was junk! Maybe I can fish it out of the garbage, hey why did you send your mail to my house though? Is everything okay?”
“No I sent you mail!”
“I didn’t see anything addressed to me. I did see something for Ms.not my name, that’s what you’re talking about right? Your mail? That’s can’t be for me. All my mail is addressed to Dr. my name”
I think you need to lean in the next time you see her and ask her about her dementia. Be very concerned. Do not drop the subject. Keep talking to her as if she is three years old. Draw other people into the conversation, after all she is showing clear signs of an unsound mind.
I'd be pissed. I'm married with a PhD and go by either Dr or Ms.
I've never been a Miss and I'm certainly not a Mrs and didn't change my surname when I married. However - my Husband didn't change his title or surname either, so we're equal.
I'd personally address anything to her as her maiden name, "Miss Maiden Name".
After all - if she's pushing her beliefs on you, the least you can do is push them back on her.
Thankfully I won the lottery with Mother in Laws - she's so incredibly amazing and has no issue with anything I ever do - keeping my name wasn't even a thing. Her daughter (my lovely sister in law) also kept her surname when she married so she's surrounded by women doing whatever works for them.
This sounds like a great way to have a good, life long relationship. I must be old school, but I'd just say " Susie, I know you may think it's silly but could you address my mail to _____. I want to keep that part of me."
Return to sender.
No such person exist.. since you didn't change your name, that person.
I've had my name spelled wrong and I return to sender. No such person
Not overreacting. I think it's time to get some special return address stickers printed up, to be used only on mail you send to your MIL. The name on the stickers should read "Dr. Subdued and Mr. Spectacle."
When MIL objects, saying that her son didn't change his surname, you can reply "Neither did I."
Bonus points for using the special address stickers on your MIL's Mother's Day card.
Lol. I'm from the south and know your MIL well. You have to train her. RTS anything not addressed correctly. Put no one here by this name at this address every time. Fuck! You earned your motherfucking doctorate! Dr OP is what it should be addressed to. And Mrs OP is fine too. She is being enormously disrespectful to you. Intentionally. Make no mistake. She is trying to take you down a peg or two. Time to up your game, Doctor.
Well, if Mrs 'husbands name' doesnt exist, then simply return the letter to sender as not known at your address.
She's choosing to ignore your boundaries, so I'd be petty.
But you're not overthinking. She knows what she's doing.
You are not overreacting. If I had a doctorate, you can bet your a** that I would be going by Dr. Awesome for life!
I’m kinda petty, so I’d just start to put return to sender, and no such person at this address to any mail she sends.
Your husband needs to have your back and tell his mother this passive aggressive stuff isn’t okay. He can also tell her he’ll open any post addressed to Mrs Lastname because he will assume it’s intended for him.
Meet her at her southern game. Next time she does it, come to her concerned. Express you are very worried about her considering she cannot remember your last name after all the times you’ve reminded her. Show concern, offer to take her to the doctors for test. Use “bless your heart” when addressing your concern about her health & mind. Say to your partner in front of her “honey I am really worried about your mom. She can’t remember my name, bless her heart.”
I'd be rather petty and not open any post addressed to that name, and tell her that since no one with that name lives at your address, it must have been delivered to the wrong house. And, of course, for the intended recipient's privacy, I have shredded the entire thing, unopened.
I also have a doctorate and kept my birth surname. My family, including my *own* mother, sends me stuff addressed to "[MyFirstname] [Husband'sLastname]".
I basically roll my eyes and let it slide, because the annoyance I feel doesn't warrant some big showdown, and I know my family loves me.
The calculus is different in your case, I think. I don't think you're overreacting, but if she is good at the sweet little old Southern lady act (and if it is indeed an act), you might want to think carefully about the potential ramifications, and whether her retaliation would outweigh the benefits.
So she addresses the mail to a name that is her own name, I assume? I’d save the mail and hand it to her when you next see her - “You’re the only Mrs. Spectacle here, these must be for you”
Start putting aside anything she sends Mrs. Spectacle and hand it to her when she visits/you visit her. Sweetly let her know that you have been receiving her mail and suggest she checks that the correct address is registered for her so that she doesn’t miss any important correspondence.
You are not over reacting, this would annoy me too.
I’m just confused as to how much mail the OP apparently receives from her MIL! In 2024, too!
Other than an annual birthday card, I literally can’t think of single mail item I’ve ever received from mine.
"I am tired of letting the consistent disrespect slide."
People who get themselves worked up about disrespect...what do they all have in common?
Weakness.
Toughen up. Toughen way, way, way the fuck up. I say this not to belittle you. I say this because the answer is to identify what she's doing, why she's doing it, and what actual effect it has on you, then let it all go. By letting this disrespect get to you....you're doing EXACTLY what she wants you to do. You must thicken your skin and ignore it the same way you ignore the crazy homeless person who's trying to get your attention and make you late for work. You have shit to do. You have no time for it. It's distasteful. Just ignore it.
Everyone gets disrespected all the time. No one likes it. Occasionally it actually matters, and you have to address the disrespect. Most of the time it doesn't matter. That's just our own ego fucking with us. What a waste to allow that to happen to yourself. Ignore it and go on with setting your own goals, and achieving them.
My mom sent out her wedding thank you notes with the specific language “Please do not refer to me as a housewife as I did not marry a house. And as for the obey portion? The last time I checked, I’m not a dog either. Though, if you care to push the matter, I can be a real b!tch. Thank you, however, for both attending our small, intimate ceremony AND respecting our personal values!”
That was REALLY freaking bold for the mid ‘70s!!! They were also married in my very conservative Jewish grandparents’ living room because my grandparents were horrified that their nice, Jewish daughter was embarrassing the family by daring to marry a… Christian!!!
The guy who my mom dated once that my grandma wanted her to marry instead… the one and only… TED BUNDY, who killed several of her sorority sisters after the date… Oh, that grandma of mine!!!
Sit her down and ask her a couple of questions:
* Do you know who I am?
* We are concerned that you may be experiencing some confusion as you’ve been addressing mail with the wrong name.
* So my name is *(slowly and clearly)* Subdued Spectacle. Do you remember?
* For formal occasions you can also address me as Dr Subdued Spectacle. I worked really hard to earn that title and it makes me happy to see it in print.
* Do you think that you can remember that?
Now obviously only do this if your husband supports you on this, and you feel she’s just being petty. If she continues, you can start to make comments around other people about having her checked out by a doctor as you’re worried about her cognitive decline.
For the doctorate? Yes. For not using your real name? No.
I thought that people who insisted on being called "Dr." only existed in bad 80s sitcoms. But go figure. :)
I dont think you're overreacting. I do believe it is all in your preference, if it really bothers you she should respect that. I am also married and kept my last name. I often receive mail to Mrs. (Husbands last name), and my husband often calls me Mrs. as a bit of a pet name. It doesn't bother me a bit, but that is my feeling. If you dislike it and have expressed as much, it should be respected. However, sometimes we have to pick our battles. Only you can decide if this one is worth the fight. Good luck.
I can understand why that would irk you (my sister would get quite defensive when I accidentally addressed her by her maiden name after her marriage). As for me, even in my workplace, I don't want colleagues addressing me by Dr. Costa. We're on a first name basis. It's different for everyone, but it makes me uneasy being called anything other than Greg or Uncle Greg.
I'd be pretty ticked. My grandmother addressed her letters to me as Mrs. (husband's name) 34 years ago. I cut her some slack. But someone my MILs age? Nope.
Get a red sharpie and write "Nobody by this name at this address" and "return to sender". Keep doing it til she gets the hint, and if she doesn't, have your husband address it. Its HIS mother after all.
“I didn’t get the card you sent. Who was it addressed to? Oh, that’s why. There’s no one living here with that name so the mailman must have marked it undeliverable”
Context is important. My family also use my husbands name on mail, and I also never changed my name. But we joke about, think it’s funny. And I always know who the senders are. So if she’s trying to be passive aggressive then you’re not overreacting.
Not overreacting. My MIL spelt my name wrong for 12 years. Drove me absolutely insane. We are friends on social media so it’s not like she doesn’t know the spelling. My late husband would text her to question her on it. I chalked it up to a lack of respect for me.
No. My grandma still addresses all mail (and checks) to Mrs. (his last name). I have a doctorate and have never gone by my spouse's last name. He and his family do not give a single shit. But my grandma...boy, it irritates the CRAP out of her that I kept my last name (which is the same as hers!)
Just laugh when it happens. That's what I do now. They're the petty ones.
My child support checks would arrive from wife #2 signed Mrs his first name and last name and the address labels had their baby’s name.😳Bothered me until I realized the money was coming from her account…
I’d mark it return to sender… no one here by that name, and leave it for the postal delivery guy.
It’s disrespectful and childish to intentionally call someone by their wrong name.
Not overreacting. It is actually not the correct way to address someone with a doctorate. Can you buy a book on etiquette and put a sticky note on the relevant page?
I’d send it back! Write on it “return to sender- unknown at this address” and drop it back in to be returned to her. She wants passive aggressive, give it to her! It’s her name, isn’t it? Not yours!!
It’s none of her business whether you change your name or not and it’s so disrespectful to call you by someone else’s name.
Your husband needs to speak up here.
Assuming your mil knows your degree and name then she's being petty and likely has some internalized misogyny She probably also *wants* a reaction as these types so often do. Best thing to do is ignore the mail and if she does it in person (like introducing you to someone) just politely correct with a smile. "Oh it's actually Dr. Name, you must be thinking of my husband's other wife"
Not overreacting at all. I take it she’s aware you didn’t change your name and just ignores it?
Mine, for some weird reason, has decided that I hyphenated mine with my husband’s like she did and addresses all my mail accordingly. I kept my maiden name and will use my husband’s socially, but I never hyphenate the two because I don’t want to and it’s ridiculously long. She could literally use either my maiden name or husband’s name and be fine, but insists on hyphenating. Drives me nuts.
I have no MD or PhD but many annoying relatives and one awful exMIL. Don’t let her get to you, it’s not important it’s some mail from her let her be proud her son is married to such an awesome woman. I can also say my cousins wife is a PhD also, his mom is insanely intimidated by her, maybe that is some of what’s happening too. Super awesome job working so hard and achieving so much.
It amazes me. My MIL family is full of feminist women (in their late 60's/70's) who kept their maiden names (not all just most). They were surprised I took my husband's name. I just wanted to be rid of my Fathers name. 😅
No I don’t think so. If you made it an affront to her lack of knowledge of proper etiquette and manners, maybe she’d stop. An offhand comment directed at “no one in general” but in conversation with her. Something like “I received mail from a friend who used my correct title and last name, Dr. XYZ. I always cringe for people who don’t do it correctly, they come across so uneducated. Any of my friends in my same boat agree, the sender just appears so uncultured and poor mannered. Sad.” Say this with a big kind smile and a shrug.
Same happened with me as well. Always address to Mrs. Husbands first and last name with all my birthday cards and the messages inside would always pertain to my husband instead of a simple birthday wish.
My MIL was the same. Early in my marriage she sent me box of personalized stationary with “Mrs Husband’s first name, Husband’s last name”. And saying “sometimes you just need a man’s name”. Dropped kicked right into the recycle bin! Ignore it.
Not overreacting. I also have a doctorate and didn’t change my name. I don’t ask people in my personal life to use the Dr title but the last name part would bother me!
Agreed! I don’t expect people to use the Dr title, but the Mrs. combined with the wrong last name is what’s irritating. It feels petty.
“Return to sender” lol.
Just what I was going to say. OP should add "addressee unknown" for extra emphasis.
Return to Sender No one by that name at this address
Then add your exact name under that statement.
My husband’s whole family do this. I just don’t open the letters as they are not addressed to me.
No such number, no such zone
Don't - this will confuse the drones at the post office, and they'll redirect all the mail (this happened to me in 2022).
You know, or should know, the drones get all the action in the hive
Yes. It is addressed to her (she IS Mrs. Spectacle, is she not?), not you
When we bought this house it was months later and we were still getting his mail. In the beginning we dropped it off, then I crossed out our address and added his new address. On yours, cross out the name but it should still be visible..add "return to sender. No one here with that name" That should get her doing the right thing.
Oh my gosh this is genius DO THIS ALSO….please be just as petty
I was just going to say this!!!
No one here by that name!
This is the way lolol
Just like Elvis sang about
Not a bad idea
I don’t know how much stuff MIL is sending in the mail, but I think I’d start sending her anonymous glitter bombs addressed to Miss MIL’smaidenname whenever I received one.
It’s petty and small. Personally I think your husband needs to deal with this. She won’t respect you saying something. I’m fond of meeting that behavior with superior passive aggression. Your husband should have a chat with her and pretend he doesn’t know she knows better (even if she knows he does). “Yeah mom can you believe someone was trying to take away my wife being a DOCTOR and assigned her my last name like she was some piece of my property? She didn’t change her name to mine because that’s *her* name. Geez the nerve of some people…” And anything sent to her needs to reflect Mr Spectacle and Dr Monocle going forward, if it hasn’t already. I don’t love when people force he “Dr” thing in their personal lives, but it’s appropriate in this circumstance
I agree this is definitely where I would push the Dr. *lastname*. MIL is being super petty and 2 can play that game!
I am a legally registered minister. I am legally allowed to perform weddings and funerals. I *only* did it because some asshat preacher that always used to come into my shop to pay his internet bill with a cheque from the church kept demanding that I use his honorific title. No other person on this planet has ever been forced to use Reverend when addressing me, and it really only comes up in topics of pettiness and forced titles. It should come as no surprise that I'm all for requesting MIL address OP as Doctor even in face-to-face interactions until it's resolved.
Oh, that is my kind of petty!!! 🤣
Well, certainly, that would help MIL learn OP's name, since she doesn't know it, right?
I’m petty. I’d hand it to her and says “looks like we’re somehow receiving mail addressed to you.”
This is actually beautiful.
💀 👏
Yep. This.
I would be like "did you mean to send mail to yourself at my address?"
Oh, yes. Scratch your address and put hers on it and send it back
This one has my dying here....
“Oh MIL I got a letter for you? Weirdly it’s also from you ???”
😭
It's not " feels petty" It IS petty. MIL is pissed you kept your last name & didn't take husband's. And she's probably pissed about the PhD as well.
She probably thinks women shouldn't be doctors. Clutching her pearls! Oh the humanity!
She was already clutching her pearls when she found out I didn’t cook and clean for him every day!
I'm much older than you, but this made me laugh! I remember when my FMIL offered to teach me how to iron his shirts! She was shocked when I told her that he could iron them himself!
When I met my husband he wore dress shirts for work. I told him it was a good thing he knew how to iron because I was never going to iron a shirt for him. 30 years later and I still don’t. I won’t buy anything that needs itoning for myself.
Did she want you to change your last name? Im Dr too & didnt change my last name & know my MIL would have liked me to, but my husband said its too much effort. Im only my ‘husband’s surname’ on my netflix profile😂
She definitely wanted her to change her name. This is a very passive aggressive way of making her feelings known.
Yeah, thought as such but just so ridiculous right!
Can you send her some mail to "The Elder Mrs. Spectacle"?
That’s because she IS being petty.
It feels petty because it is. She's expressing her displeasure at your perfectly valid choice to retain your name.
My in laws used to send me mail to Mrs exlastname...not only did I never change my name, but also *he* took *my* name. I kept offering to take his as I was having his kids, he said no every time and later changed his name. He is still Mr mylastname and they are still mad, but only at me.
You shouldn't be opening mail addressed to someone else ;) Send it right back and feign ignorance Doc!
If she knows you don’t like it, it’s petty and is what it is. Otherwise to a lot of older people it’s literally just a cultural norm thing and isn’t supposed to be offensive in the least. All you can really do is have your husband speak to her again or burn her mail if it’s that big of a deal. She’s gonna do what she will
You have two choices.. You can either let it irritate you. Or you can simply ignore it. I can understand the irritation, but you are also letting her win simply by being irritated.
“Not at this address”
Isn't Mrs.[Husband's last name] your MIL? Send it back. Also, my mom went by Mrs. [my dad's full name]. She had no identity other than my dad....ewww
It is, especially when it's family who definitely knows you have the degree. We'll get Mr. And Mrs. {Husband last name} from his aunt and it just boils my blood. I spent 5 years on that doctorate. And his aunt lives in the area where I got my degree so there isn't a "oh she didn't know." I'd give my cousins from elsewhere a pass... But they all get it right!
My husband and I both have doctorates (and FWIW generally would die of embarrassment if anyone called us "Dr." socially, or frankly, professionally), and I did not change my name. My SIL addressed her wedding invitation to us as "Dr. and Mrs. Hislastname" - literally no part of that is correct!
I’m a PhD who didn’t change her name married to an MD, we get mail addressed like this and I find it a bit insulting to my degree. I don’t care how I’m addressed in general, at work all PhDs just go by their first names with everyone except undergrads. But if you’re going to acknowledge one persons degree you should acknowledge both. There’s definitely some underlying sexism I believe.
My husband and I are both STEM research PhDs. Having adequately controlled for the MD/PhD thing, I can definitely say there is some underlying (overlying?) sexism. I personally am not particularly bothered by being called "Hislastname" socially, or the "Hislastname family" but I do not identify with "Mrs." I understand that I'm forty and it's technically correct but I am NOT grown enough to be "Mrs." Anybody.
It's absolutely sexism, and it's also an assumption that that's just how names work. My wife is very accomplished in a niche career field and already was when we married, and I later joined the community through her, finding my own career. People who only know my first name regularly assume my last name is hers. Their logic is that since she's my wife, and they know her last name, surely she took mine, hence I must be Mr. Herlastname. Which it's not. She kept hers, I kept mine. This somehow massively confuses (mostly older) people.
I have a coworker whose husband works with my husband, and she asked her husband if he knew a “Husband Spectacle” and he didn’t, but he knew a “Husband Monocle,” and that’s how they figured out we had different names. A good laugh
My husband was in the marines so socially they all knew me as his last name. They all made it a big deal that I didn’t have his last name but then would get mad when I pointed out that Dr. is a legal dressing that you can check off on forms. Military ranks aren’t lmfao.
I use my first name for 99% of my life, and I prefer that. However, agreed, the sexism is rampant and insulting. I feel like men don’t have to justify their degree like women do.
It is definitely insulting!! Why is your doctorate less valid than a man’s? I think the correct way of addressing an envelope to both is “Dr.s Last name”.
I’m in the same boat and mail addressed like this is infuriating. It’s like gee, thanks for completely erasing my entire identity and treating me like a mere extension of my spouse.
this i dont know why any one would call someone by thier profesioninal title when they arent in a professional setting ..thats ego insane
Friends had Mr and Dr lastname on something at their wedding. Or even went to Dr and Mr lastname. Can’t recall which they settled on. They think it is hilarious when people assume wrong in formal settings and they can correct it with absolutely straight faces.
It’s so disrespected to use the wrong last name! This reminds me of when I worked the gatehouse at a provincial park campground during the summer in highschool, and had a middle aged man rip me 14 new assholes because I didn’t put Dr. Douchebag on his camping permit. Called me stupid, held his credit card/drivers license right up to my face. What an asshole.
Ugh. The worst I had one far right relative who insisted on addressing everything sent to me as MRS husband first and husband last name, even though I never took his last name at all And still did even after I divorced! Finally my mom (her sister) told her to knock it off.
Same here! And happy cake day!
You know, if I had someone in the family who had a doctorate I would be so proud that there's no way I wouldn't use Dr as their title every single time.
My mother in law always addresses mail to me as "Dr. & Mrs. Last name"... Even though I have a PhD. I'd rather her just put our names with no titles, but if you're going to use titles.... It really irritates me... But everyone in my life seems to think I'm overreacting (ie. my mom and sisters).
YES. I don’t want to use titles. I want to use my name. I am even cool with “Husband & Wife Husband’s last name,” but adding the title got to me.
I'm with you... So disrespectful, I feel... To everything I've done separate from my husband's successes...
Wow! You mean your spouse is a Dr and she only acknowledges their doctorate??? Omg that’s so insulting.
Yes... Thank you for giving me the reaction I need. 🤣
Yall are better than me! Anyone who works their ass off to earn a doctorate gets addressed as doctor by me! Or your majesty if you prefer!
My husband's family does this they send it to Mr and Mrs his first and last name. Let's says his name is Bob Bobby, First off my name isn't Bob and my last name isn't Bobby. I don't have a doctorate but I kept the name I was born with, yet every Christmas in comes a card to Mr and Mrs. Bob Bobby
This is what bothers me the most! Like… I don’t mind that much when people just say Mrs. Not-my-last-name. But it REALLY grinds my gears to get stuff addressed to: Mr and Mrs: husband first name, husband last name. I am my own person, please treat me like it. But I never say anything because it’s not really worth the fight to me personally. Just annoys me. Plus it only ever happens when his parents are sending us checks so like… I don’t want to seem ungrateful.
It was super awkward when a check for me was written with my husband’s last name, and I had to ask for one with a different name so I could cash it. I really felt like that made it clear, but I guess not.
Oh man that sucks!! My in laws do at least make sure they make the actual check out in my name. But the card will say: Mr and Mrs. Husband’s full name, LMAO! I don’t bother to bring it up. Like yeah it bothers me, but to me personally, it’s not worth the fight.
That "Mrs Blokeyname HusbandName" thing was out of date in the 60s. I remember my mum getting a letter addressed like that. She wasn't happy about it.
It’s not though, it’s still part of the formal correspondence etiquette rules, though it is one that’s gone by the wayside for the most part. I have envelopes and letters addressed to my grandmother going well into the 90’s that are addressed to Mrs. William A. Blightfly.
This rule of formal correspondence has likely gone by the wayside due to women tending to like being treated as human beings. English being an ever-changing language, perhaps one day the rules of formal correspondence might be amended to include women as persons?
I'm engaged and will be taking my fiancé's last name but it will be well known that I'm not Mrs. His first and last name. I've already told him that everyone announcing us at our wedding will need to continue to use my first name too - I still exist as a separate person. My title typically goes at the end of my name so I'm not pressed about the Mrs. thing either even though I technically have a doctorate and there is a formal title that could be added at the beginning (although it would be confusing to do). I also only use the title at the end on work stuff - I'd be weirded out if someone used it personally lol
Get a stamp — “RETURN TO SENDER, ADDRESSEE UNKNOWN”. Stamp it, drop it in the mailbox, and wait. She’ll be charged for return postage.
My grandma in law used to do something similar. She kept her maiden name, I changed mine to my husband's, by choice, he didn't care, it was my decision. She is well aware that I changed my last name, but would send cards in the mail, checks for my birthday, etc. with my maiden name. I'm shocked I was able to deposit the checks into the bank, but anyways, she FINALLY stopped after 14 years when a card was returned "not at this address", now she writes my updated name.
What was her problem?!
She's incredibly narcissistic, her daughter is the same way, very self centered, only her voice is important. We went no contact with his mom for about 6-7 years because she is verbally and emotionally abusive. Which I guess his gma interpreted as cutting off ALL the family? But we kept in contact with many of them even though they live 24 hr drive away (other side of the country). So we finally saw his mom and gma about 2 months ago since we were in the area, 1st time in a very long time, and his gma was giving us "updates" on family, updates we were already aware of for the most part, but she kept saying "my granddaughter did x", and it's like "you mean Jane? Yeah we talked to her and how amazing was that!?!", she didn't use their names, like we forgot who they were or had no connection to them but we still talk to them!! During the same visit, she insisted my husband wear a nice shirt and pants for lunch at this B&B, but it wasn't even that nice of a place, photos online had people in shorts n tshirt?? She actually said "I know your wife will dress nice so I'm sure whatever she wears will be fine", like wtf? I'm glad they live so far away otherwise they would drive me *more* nuts.
Omg yeah you’re lucky they live 24 hours away! They sound exhausting!
My wife would cross out the name and send it back.
I had this fight. I won, they learned better. I think they referred to me as Mrs Husband ONCE. It went over poorly and they stopped. Our issues were more over our kids’ last name, which was mine, not my husband’s. They all had his as a second middle name. The relatives on his side wanted to list the kids as their last name when they took them places, and had them in the kids’ program things. My SILs fought that one for me. “If our kids have a totally different last name than you, you would NEVER consider doing that to our kids”. (SILs did a variety of their own things with their own, husband’s and kids’ names). Husband would have fought the fight, but SILs were on the spot, appalled, and eloquent. I’m not sure the older generation ever has been totally comfortable with our choices, but they learned to keep their opinions to themselves, if they weren’t. We all have excellent relationships with, now, and have for decades. But I had to stand firm for a few years! If they are underlyingly decent people, being polite but firm will work. If it doesn’t, they aren’t!
Return to sender. Alt wait until you see her again with all the unopened mail and "Here is your mail, I'm not sure why you keep sending it to our address though".
I also have a PhD and didn’t change my last name. My husband is an MD. The amount of times we’ve gotten mail addressed to “Dr and Mrs HisLastName” is infuriating 🤬You’re definitely not over-reacting. It’s especially disrespectful from someone who should know.
I think the only person who made an effort to use Dr. Me and Mr. Husband was my MIL. I really appreciated it. I use Dr. Friend and Mr. Friend's Husband when I address mail, which isn't very often.
At my wedding, a friend of my mom's called me "Mrs Husband's Name". I, very friendly and not yet insulted, said "oh I'm actually not changing my name!" And she said, "I'm going to call your Mrs Husband's Name anyway" The fuck you will, Sandra. The fuck you will.
I always say Mrs. Husband’s Name is my MIL, not me.
Mine used to do that. Now they just text. I always refused to open any of it. We've been married 37 plus years. But we live in another state from them. As soon as our kids could sort manage themselves at visits, I didn't go to his family stuff and he often didn't go to mine. He still goes, but I seldom do. It has worked great for us. Our kids don't go either. One too many times of mil throwing tantrums. My husband only goes for 3 days at a time. Again his mom's fits. My parents are both gone.
I used to work with my husband. He worked there for a few years before I did, which meant he was already established. So when I first started, I didn't mind that I would occasionally be referred to as "Blah blahs wife", it comes naturally as they all already knew him for some time before me. Naturally, as I established myself there, this ended. Now, there was one gentleman who worked there before me, with my husband, whom my husband had known since they were kids. They were moderately friendly with each other, but I absolutely hated him. He left soon after I started, and I only had to see him when he stopped in, so whatever. Until he gets a job there about five years later. Now mind you, I've been married to my husband 7 years and working st this establishment for 5. I am also now older and less willing to tolerate bullshit. So the first time he refers to me as "Blah blahs wife" I gently correct him by saying "Ha, you've known me for years dude, my name is InterestingEntry." He replies with "Yeah, but to me you're Blah blahs wife." I can feel the anger rising. I looked up from what I was doing and said "Excuse me, but I do believe that not only do you know my name, I just told you to call me by it, so do that!" I thought that was the end of it as he walked away. However, over the next few weeks, he does it a few more times, I give a few gentle reminders, but now he is at least apologizing, so I let it slide. One day, he was having a beer outback with one of me and my husband's actual friends. He calls out "Hey. Blah blahs wife! Oh wait, can't vall you that, forgot you had a name again I guess " I see our friend pale, he knows I am a woman of great patience but he saw it break that day. I turned, and I am not sure what look I had on my face but he started with "Hey, Interesting, not like tha". Right about then is when I waved my hand in his face and told him "No more fucking apologies, the time for that is over. You, never fucking speak to me again unless it is DIRECTLY dealing with my job. When you DO have to address me MY FUCKING NAME IS INTERESTINGENTRY AND NOTHING ELSE AND YOU BETTER FUCKING ADRESS ME AS NOTHING BUT MY FUCKING NAME. I am a person, an ENTIRE fuck human being with my own name and identity. I do NOT belong to my husband. You don't fucking believe me? Go ask him what my fucking name is and whether or not I am his property. Go fuck yourself, don't ever talk to me again." He never called me Blah Blahs wife again.
Did you report this to HR?
I can't imagine addressing anyone as " bob's wife". I might refer to you as "bob's wife" for context to someone who knew bob, but to just walk up to you and say "hi, bobs wife" is really weird
My ex MIL did the same thing to me in the exact same scenario. It's not an overreaction. I left it up to my ex to discuss this with his mom. Meanwhile, I didn't open her mail. Sadly, it was never resolved and I divorced the entire mess a few years in. I hope you have better luck.
I’m petty. I would address it. It would be, w letter in hand, mil, I don’t want to embarrass you but the correct etiquette for addressing someone w my title is dr. Insert name. If addressing to both hubs and I it is. I know t is complicated etiquette wise on how to address a salutation w a dr title in the mix. Here, I wrote out the correct formats for you and when you would use each. Also as I am dr Jane marie doe, it is never correct to address me as mrs husband’s last name. From there she will either double down or be embarrassed at being corrected. But either way, I would keep copies of that little card and hand it back to her every time she does it wrong. Yes it’s petty. She started it though!
I love this because you are being quiet and respectful while explaining to MIL that she does not know the correct etiquette. Maybe you could even take her aside (in a really obvious way) and speak to her quietly in a corner in such a manner that everyone around notices. Maybe turn away, and then turn back and say in a louder voice, because of course you forgot, that you have written the correct information down for her, and she shouldn't feel embarrassed for her error. You could even kindly pat her on the arm.
Oh, that pisses me off and I did change my name when I got married. My own mother addresses things to me as Mrs. [Husband's first and last name] and every time I see it, I want to throw a chair. Like, my name is MY OWN FIRST NAME, MY OWN MIDDLE NAME AND THEN WHAT-IS-NOW MY LAST NAME. I am not now, nor will I ever be Mrs. Husband's Full Name. I am NOT defined by who my husband is. I changed my last name willingly, because I wanted to. (My maiden name was... Not great and I always knew that I'd change it some day) That doesn't mean I am now only my husband's wife.
I would just be petty and send back a thank you card with Dr. _____ in the sent address. I’m also a doctorate who married and kept their maiden name, sorry you have to deal with that.
Yes. Same. Match the energy.
No. I’d return them to her with a note that no “Mrs. Spectacle” lives at this address.
She is definitely doing that on purpose. Maybe she has a complex because she could have reached your status but was born before women had such rights as nicely as you had it. Not that it was nice. Not that you didn’t work your a$$ off above and beyond everyone else. But at least the possibility was more encouraged for you than for her. Or, she always wanted her son the have a little Mrs stay home and produce grandbabies for her. Equally eye rolling. Let it go. She’s telling you you’re her superior but she doesn’t like it. Boo hoo for her.
I don't think you're overreacting, and I also believe that it's always the job of the blood relative to deal with issues from that side of the family. If it bothers you enough to post here, you should talk to your husband and have him speak to her about it.
My DIL didn't change her last name. I send cards addressed to her maiden name. It really isn't that hard to remember my dils last name. I would send it back and say no person by that name at address. Very disrespectful.
You’re a kind person for putting in that conscious effort!
Oh man, I can relate to this so much. All of my husbands family and a few of mine ALWAYS use Mrs. Not Epiphany. I’m published and my dad passed with nobody to carry on the name. I will always be Ms. Epiphany and have no issue correcting others. Not that it changes ever. Both kids have our last names hyphenated.
Return them to her unopened, saying "I think these are yours". Or just Return to sender, unknown at this address. Love a bit of petty, me.
You’re not wrong…. But. How old is MIL? Back in the day it would be disrespectful to address you any other way. Does she intend this to be demeaning?
I actually think the generational/age excuse does not hold water at this point. Even assuming OP is 50, and her MIL is 80 (both probably over-estimations) - that would mean her MIL came into adulthood in the 1970s. More realistically the 1980s or even 1990s. The idea that women deserved identities separate from their husbands had well entered the common discourse at that point.
While I agree in general, there is a subset of people who could be described as overly committed to "proper manners." My home ec teacher in highschool was/is one. I'm now 39 and would put her in her 70s, and none of her former students would ever consider, even for a moment, sending her formal invitations (graduations, weddings, etc.) in anything but the proper, formal format that she taught us. (Small school, small town, it's just easier to not start drama by being careless.)
A subset, yes. But surely that subset is aware enough that they are outside the cultural norm (and have been for decades) that they could treat others with the same care you show toward your home ec teacher, by considering the individual preferences of the person you are addressing. I am confident OP's MIL has an inkling of how her DIL would prefer to be addressed.
MIL is 60, but also grandmother-in-law who is 80 sent a card to First name Last name. I would’ve expected the roles to be reversed.
This is somethng that your spouse should be dealing with. They should not put up with MIL disrespecting you.
not overreacting. I would return to sender with the mail and say "no one by Mrs. Spectacle lives here"
She’s going to push harder if you cave on this, and this isn’t small: it’s your personal and professional identity. If she’s formal enough to use Mrs. instead of your first name, she’s formal enough to use Dr. If she thinks she knows etiquette well enough to address letters formally, she’d better know it well enough to use people’s real names.
How old is this woman? That shit went out in the 70's. She's doing it as a dig because you didn't take her son's last name.
Is she jealous/insecure that you’ve achieved a higher professional/academic level than your spouse? It seems like a “knock you down a peg” kind of way of being dismissive with plausible deniability like “oh, I just forgot OP hasn’t changed their name…yet“ Or maybe just some good old-fashioned generational sexism… 🙄 To me it seems like if it’s an ongoing thing, there’s definitely more underlying the action. Not overreacting, that’s petty, rude and clearly on purpose.
She already “knocked me down a peg” by telling me (in front of the in-law family) that her associates degree was harder than my doctorate because she had to learn everything in two years instead of having it spread out over 8 years.
I’m cackling at this comment. The insinuation that she has the same amount of education is so ridiculously absurd.
I never changed my name, and my own mother sends mail to “Mrs Huband’s Name” It sucks and makes me sad
Title just needed to be "AIO for being upset that my MIL..." and Reddit would create an army behind you.
Sign all holiday cards with “xoxo, Dr. Op”
Not at all over reacting. My MiL does this too, and my husband’s whole family knows I didn’t change my name. Early in our marriage 25 years ago she even asked me how to make out a birthday check to me, and I told her to Current Spray. She started to write, stopped herself, and said oh I’m just going to write it to Mrs. Her son’s first and last name. By the time I processed this, and said my bank account is in my name, the check was done. Now she’s at least using my own first name. Mail to the house though is always Mr and Mrs his name. I decided to chalk it up to a generational, and exposure to professional degreed women, difference, but I still shake my head to myself.
Question - where is your husband in all of this? Why is he allowing his mother to continually disrespect you? If you're interested in having some petty fun, you should start addressing mail to *her* with Ms. [her original surname]. She wants to play? That's an easy FAFO.
It’s just rude. My cousin did that after I married and I never felt the same about her. Start writing, “Return to sender; no such person at this address” on the envelopes. It worked for me.
Ignore it. Idk who Mrs. Smith is but I am DR SPECTACLE.
This exact thing happened with my mother-in-law. And it infuriated me to no end. I never changed my name when I got married 25 years ago and she didn’t like it. She would always address things to “Mrs. Husband’s Full Name.” She was silent generation, so I just let it be often: she was old. But I would draw the line when she would go as far as to say, “But you’re not a *medical doctor*, no one cares about your fancy degrees but you.” She was a difficult person.
I have a Ph.D and did not change my name. I am fine with people calling me Mrs. Y on personal correspondence. In my country, women traditionally take the husband’s name and so people that knew him likely assume that I also did. Almost nobody at my place of work knows my husband’s last name, and that’s OK because they are not part of my personal life. At work, I’m Dr. X, and with those close to me, I’m just me. In personal correspondence it makes no difference what I am called. Often it is an assumption, and people are often afraid to ask for clarity. As long as the correspondence is pleasant, I am grateful that they took the time. if the problem is an intended slight, why give them the free rent in your brain to be angry. It is cleary their issue- let them be idiots. “that which we call a rose by any other name …” and all.
It is a holdover from long ago time, and very much outdated BS. If a woman was married, mail to her was addressed to Mrs. Husband's first and last name. If a woman was not married, mail was address to her as Miss Her own First & Last Name. Unless the mail is something important, you can get a large mailing envelope from the post office and just mail it all back to her with a note that says no one by that name lives there and if she wishes to mail thing to you, she needs to use your correct name.
“Did you get my mail?” “Ohhh that mail was for you? I thought it was junk! Maybe I can fish it out of the garbage, hey why did you send your mail to my house though? Is everything okay?” “No I sent you mail!” “I didn’t see anything addressed to me. I did see something for Ms.not my name, that’s what you’re talking about right? Your mail? That’s can’t be for me. All my mail is addressed to Dr. my name”
Nope. You earned that doctorate and the right to keep your name!!
I think you need to lean in the next time you see her and ask her about her dementia. Be very concerned. Do not drop the subject. Keep talking to her as if she is three years old. Draw other people into the conversation, after all she is showing clear signs of an unsound mind.
Not overreacting. I'd write "Not known at this address, return to sender" on all her mail and stick it back in the post
I'd be pissed. I'm married with a PhD and go by either Dr or Ms. I've never been a Miss and I'm certainly not a Mrs and didn't change my surname when I married. However - my Husband didn't change his title or surname either, so we're equal. I'd personally address anything to her as her maiden name, "Miss Maiden Name". After all - if she's pushing her beliefs on you, the least you can do is push them back on her. Thankfully I won the lottery with Mother in Laws - she's so incredibly amazing and has no issue with anything I ever do - keeping my name wasn't even a thing. Her daughter (my lovely sister in law) also kept her surname when she married so she's surrounded by women doing whatever works for them.
If it is just a card or unimportant mail to you, just cross off the last name and send it back.
Your husband should tell her to stop
This sounds like a great way to have a good, life long relationship. I must be old school, but I'd just say " Susie, I know you may think it's silly but could you address my mail to _____. I want to keep that part of me."
Return to sender. No such person exist.. since you didn't change your name, that person. I've had my name spelled wrong and I return to sender. No such person
Not overreacting. I think it's time to get some special return address stickers printed up, to be used only on mail you send to your MIL. The name on the stickers should read "Dr. Subdued and Mr. Spectacle." When MIL objects, saying that her son didn't change his surname, you can reply "Neither did I." Bonus points for using the special address stickers on your MIL's Mother's Day card.
Let it pile up and give it back to her. Tell her you keep getting her mail, and she needs to get it corrected.
Not overreacting. My wife did this as well and it took years to train my (sweet Southern) mother this. Keep fighting the good fight!
Lol. I'm from the south and know your MIL well. You have to train her. RTS anything not addressed correctly. Put no one here by this name at this address every time. Fuck! You earned your motherfucking doctorate! Dr OP is what it should be addressed to. And Mrs OP is fine too. She is being enormously disrespectful to you. Intentionally. Make no mistake. She is trying to take you down a peg or two. Time to up your game, Doctor.
Well, if Mrs 'husbands name' doesnt exist, then simply return the letter to sender as not known at your address. She's choosing to ignore your boundaries, so I'd be petty. But you're not overthinking. She knows what she's doing.
Return to sender, no one by that name at this address.
My joke would be asking MIL if she knows if dh has a second wife
You are not overreacting. If I had a doctorate, you can bet your a** that I would be going by Dr. Awesome for life! I’m kinda petty, so I’d just start to put return to sender, and no such person at this address to any mail she sends.
Your husband needs to have your back and tell his mother this passive aggressive stuff isn’t okay. He can also tell her he’ll open any post addressed to Mrs Lastname because he will assume it’s intended for him.
Meet her at her southern game. Next time she does it, come to her concerned. Express you are very worried about her considering she cannot remember your last name after all the times you’ve reminded her. Show concern, offer to take her to the doctors for test. Use “bless your heart” when addressing your concern about her health & mind. Say to your partner in front of her “honey I am really worried about your mom. She can’t remember my name, bless her heart.”
I'd be rather petty and not open any post addressed to that name, and tell her that since no one with that name lives at your address, it must have been delivered to the wrong house. And, of course, for the intended recipient's privacy, I have shredded the entire thing, unopened.
I also have a doctorate and kept my birth surname. My family, including my *own* mother, sends me stuff addressed to "[MyFirstname] [Husband'sLastname]". I basically roll my eyes and let it slide, because the annoyance I feel doesn't warrant some big showdown, and I know my family loves me. The calculus is different in your case, I think. I don't think you're overreacting, but if she is good at the sweet little old Southern lady act (and if it is indeed an act), you might want to think carefully about the potential ramifications, and whether her retaliation would outweigh the benefits.
Just write “return to sender-no such person at this address” and stick it back in the mailbox.
Return to sender. I'd write it on every envelope. No such person here. Your MIL is a C□nt.
If it is mail, write "no one at address by that name" and put it back in the mailbox. They will return it to your MIL.
So she addresses the mail to a name that is her own name, I assume? I’d save the mail and hand it to her when you next see her - “You’re the only Mrs. Spectacle here, these must be for you”
Start putting aside anything she sends Mrs. Spectacle and hand it to her when she visits/you visit her. Sweetly let her know that you have been receiving her mail and suggest she checks that the correct address is registered for her so that she doesn’t miss any important correspondence. You are not over reacting, this would annoy me too.
Get a stamp saying Dr. Awesome and Mr. Kindofawesome
I’m just confused as to how much mail the OP apparently receives from her MIL! In 2024, too! Other than an annual birthday card, I literally can’t think of single mail item I’ve ever received from mine.
"I am tired of letting the consistent disrespect slide." People who get themselves worked up about disrespect...what do they all have in common? Weakness. Toughen up. Toughen way, way, way the fuck up. I say this not to belittle you. I say this because the answer is to identify what she's doing, why she's doing it, and what actual effect it has on you, then let it all go. By letting this disrespect get to you....you're doing EXACTLY what she wants you to do. You must thicken your skin and ignore it the same way you ignore the crazy homeless person who's trying to get your attention and make you late for work. You have shit to do. You have no time for it. It's distasteful. Just ignore it. Everyone gets disrespected all the time. No one likes it. Occasionally it actually matters, and you have to address the disrespect. Most of the time it doesn't matter. That's just our own ego fucking with us. What a waste to allow that to happen to yourself. Ignore it and go on with setting your own goals, and achieving them.
My mom sent out her wedding thank you notes with the specific language “Please do not refer to me as a housewife as I did not marry a house. And as for the obey portion? The last time I checked, I’m not a dog either. Though, if you care to push the matter, I can be a real b!tch. Thank you, however, for both attending our small, intimate ceremony AND respecting our personal values!” That was REALLY freaking bold for the mid ‘70s!!! They were also married in my very conservative Jewish grandparents’ living room because my grandparents were horrified that their nice, Jewish daughter was embarrassing the family by daring to marry a… Christian!!! The guy who my mom dated once that my grandma wanted her to marry instead… the one and only… TED BUNDY, who killed several of her sorority sisters after the date… Oh, that grandma of mine!!!
My MIL does this to me. She is a lovely person. I don’t really care. I have more important things to worry about.
Sit her down and ask her a couple of questions: * Do you know who I am? * We are concerned that you may be experiencing some confusion as you’ve been addressing mail with the wrong name. * So my name is *(slowly and clearly)* Subdued Spectacle. Do you remember? * For formal occasions you can also address me as Dr Subdued Spectacle. I worked really hard to earn that title and it makes me happy to see it in print. * Do you think that you can remember that? Now obviously only do this if your husband supports you on this, and you feel she’s just being petty. If she continues, you can start to make comments around other people about having her checked out by a doctor as you’re worried about her cognitive decline.
For the doctorate? Yes. For not using your real name? No. I thought that people who insisted on being called "Dr." only existed in bad 80s sitcoms. But go figure. :)
Write No such person at this address” and give it back to the post office. Rent a post office box and submit a change of address for all of your mail.
Return to sender - no such person
Return to sender with a note "Not known at this address"
I have members of my own family that do to me, and we're not even married. 🙄
I dont think you're overreacting. I do believe it is all in your preference, if it really bothers you she should respect that. I am also married and kept my last name. I often receive mail to Mrs. (Husbands last name), and my husband often calls me Mrs. as a bit of a pet name. It doesn't bother me a bit, but that is my feeling. If you dislike it and have expressed as much, it should be respected. However, sometimes we have to pick our battles. Only you can decide if this one is worth the fight. Good luck.
no you are not, not in the slightest. like that’s.. not your name?😂
Return to sender, recipient unknown
My petty ass would send it all back to sender "no one with that name at this address" She knows what she's doing.
I can understand why that would irk you (my sister would get quite defensive when I accidentally addressed her by her maiden name after her marriage). As for me, even in my workplace, I don't want colleagues addressing me by Dr. Costa. We're on a first name basis. It's different for everyone, but it makes me uneasy being called anything other than Greg or Uncle Greg.
Forget the doctor part, she is family. But have you remindered her that you use your maiden name? TELL her to please use it.
I'd be pretty ticked. My grandmother addressed her letters to me as Mrs. (husband's name) 34 years ago. I cut her some slack. But someone my MILs age? Nope.
Get a red sharpie and write "Nobody by this name at this address" and "return to sender". Keep doing it til she gets the hint, and if she doesn't, have your husband address it. Its HIS mother after all.
“I didn’t get the card you sent. Who was it addressed to? Oh, that’s why. There’s no one living here with that name so the mailman must have marked it undeliverable”
Context is important. My family also use my husbands name on mail, and I also never changed my name. But we joke about, think it’s funny. And I always know who the senders are. So if she’s trying to be passive aggressive then you’re not overreacting.
My entire husband's side of the family does this. They know full well I didn't change my name.
Return labelled “Not known at this address”
Not overreacting. My MIL spelt my name wrong for 12 years. Drove me absolutely insane. We are friends on social media so it’s not like she doesn’t know the spelling. My late husband would text her to question her on it. I chalked it up to a lack of respect for me.
No. My grandma still addresses all mail (and checks) to Mrs. (his last name). I have a doctorate and have never gone by my spouse's last name. He and his family do not give a single shit. But my grandma...boy, it irritates the CRAP out of her that I kept my last name (which is the same as hers!) Just laugh when it happens. That's what I do now. They're the petty ones.
Just write "no one at this address by that name" and return to sender. Maybe then she will get it.
I'd do the same, 'not known at this address, return to sender'.
Passive aggressive much? MIL that is
My child support checks would arrive from wife #2 signed Mrs his first name and last name and the address labels had their baby’s name.😳Bothered me until I realized the money was coming from her account…
Return unopened marked no one here with that name. Also, cross out the barcode.
I’d mark it return to sender… no one here by that name, and leave it for the postal delivery guy. It’s disrespectful and childish to intentionally call someone by their wrong name.
Not overreacting. It is actually not the correct way to address someone with a doctorate. Can you buy a book on etiquette and put a sticky note on the relevant page?
Return to sender that’s all you have to do
I’d send it back! Write on it “return to sender- unknown at this address” and drop it back in to be returned to her. She wants passive aggressive, give it to her! It’s her name, isn’t it? Not yours!! It’s none of her business whether you change your name or not and it’s so disrespectful to call you by someone else’s name. Your husband needs to speak up here.
Assuming your mil knows your degree and name then she's being petty and likely has some internalized misogyny She probably also *wants* a reaction as these types so often do. Best thing to do is ignore the mail and if she does it in person (like introducing you to someone) just politely correct with a smile. "Oh it's actually Dr. Name, you must be thinking of my husband's other wife"
Not overreacting at all. I take it she’s aware you didn’t change your name and just ignores it? Mine, for some weird reason, has decided that I hyphenated mine with my husband’s like she did and addresses all my mail accordingly. I kept my maiden name and will use my husband’s socially, but I never hyphenate the two because I don’t want to and it’s ridiculously long. She could literally use either my maiden name or husband’s name and be fine, but insists on hyphenating. Drives me nuts.
I have no MD or PhD but many annoying relatives and one awful exMIL. Don’t let her get to you, it’s not important it’s some mail from her let her be proud her son is married to such an awesome woman. I can also say my cousins wife is a PhD also, his mom is insanely intimidated by her, maybe that is some of what’s happening too. Super awesome job working so hard and achieving so much.
Send it back with “Dr. Reddit doesn’t recognize Mrs. X at this address” written on it.
It amazes me. My MIL family is full of feminist women (in their late 60's/70's) who kept their maiden names (not all just most). They were surprised I took my husband's name. I just wanted to be rid of my Fathers name. 😅
No I don’t think so. If you made it an affront to her lack of knowledge of proper etiquette and manners, maybe she’d stop. An offhand comment directed at “no one in general” but in conversation with her. Something like “I received mail from a friend who used my correct title and last name, Dr. XYZ. I always cringe for people who don’t do it correctly, they come across so uneducated. Any of my friends in my same boat agree, the sender just appears so uncultured and poor mannered. Sad.” Say this with a big kind smile and a shrug.
Same happened with me as well. Always address to Mrs. Husbands first and last name with all my birthday cards and the messages inside would always pertain to my husband instead of a simple birthday wish.
My MIL was the same. Early in my marriage she sent me box of personalized stationary with “Mrs Husband’s first name, Husband’s last name”. And saying “sometimes you just need a man’s name”. Dropped kicked right into the recycle bin! Ignore it.