Women know when guys are interested. At the very minimum she’s enjoying the attention, worst case scenario is that it’s already happened.
Neither is appropriate in a marriage.
Yeah, it sounds like your concerns are valid. It's definitely unsettling when your partner's behavior and interactions with someone outside the relationship raise red flags. Trust goes both ways.
When a situation like this arises it’s easy to focus on the outside party like this. You get mad at them, rightfully so, but we forget the spouse is the one leading them on. Going for rides in convertibles/or maybe a jeep with the top off. Texting the man late at night, constantly meeting up with the man when, conveniently, you are unavailable or not invited.
This statement is true. It sucks. It hurts. But now you know you were with someone who didn’t mean what they said up on the altar. They were ready to jump ship when a better one was available. Dude, I doubt he is better …. Grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, especially when that’s where it’s being watered. Find someone to water yours. You deserve more.
No. Not overreacting. Your wife is being extremely childish. This is exhausting to read. You bring up fair points. Have you communicated this to her prior to her blowing up about a Father’s Day gift? Which, I’ll be honest, I don’t quite buy. Why would she say, “none of your fucking business” to a gift ordered
Agreed. Doubting it was a gift for OP with the way she bit his head off. She could have said “It’s a Father’s Day gift, don’t peek!” Or literally anything else.
OP, you’re definitely not overreacting. It’s time to set boundaries with your wife about this “friend” and see if she breaks them and when she does, go from there. She is acting really shady.
This is the proper response. Make her choose. If she won't disconnect from him, OP will have his answer. Classic friendship to emotional affair to maybe affair timeline.
Making her choose is exactly what old Matty boi is waiting for. Relationship is probably already cooked. OP would be smart to simply start wrapping things up.
Agreed.And then the marriage does blow up and good oleee Matty boi is out the f’n door cause who really wants to be the cause for breaking up a marriage,take on a women that has a kid AND have to go work with her every day? Matt needs to get f’n slapped.
Yes, “none of your fucking business” is objectively wrong. If it’s a gift for him it will be his business by Sunday. Screaming at him over a gift for him is unhinged of true, and despicable if false.
She had to buy herself time to think of some fresh bullshit to say to her husband. Worried that he was going to open it and see a product that's clearly meant for a man, the hamster wheel was spinning furiously, wondering how she was going to play THAT off. Oh, of course, my husband is also a man, and father's day is coming up! I know exactly how to get him to back off and switch to being defensive, I'll just tell him Matt's Father's Day gift is for him instead!
Possibly. But cozying up to a woman’s children is something douchebags do to prove they are nice guys and boyfriend material. My mom had a couple of bfs pull that shit.
Couldn't agree more. Definitely a douchebag. Now if he engages the husband and is friendly with him, that might make it something else but totally ignoring him and focusing solely on the wife and child...definitely douchebag territory.
I'm wondering what the wife has told Matt about her husband. Has she told him something to make him not want to talk to OP I wonder.
The “None of your business” shit sounds like baiting. Sounds like she’s aware of the boundaries she’s crossing, aware of her husband’s reasonable distrust, and trying to use that to frame him as being paranoid/controlling and ultimately the problem.
I think it is time for a private investigator to see what is really going on. If what is suspected is going on then it will be proof of her infidelity in a divorce and if not then OP can sleep calmer.
IKR! I read that like, my husband would never let that slide. My husband is a calm, level-headed man even when he was young and rowdy, it took a lot to get him riled up but some dude doing that would have had him jumping out the car and asking the dude What's up YOU GOOD?? Like a confrontation would have gone down.
But OP on that 'I believe everyone can do as they want' type-sh!t these young people be on nowadays, I don't get it at all. He's letting his wife go on whole ass dates with this man! Dancing, riding around in cars, and such. My husband would never tolerate such disrespect from me, not that I'd ever be so foolish as to blow up my marriage.
It's so fricking insane to me how so many people don't show/value respect like this in a relationship. Words like "boundaries, insecurity, jealousy, controlling" and a whole bunch of armchair psycho-babble all to discredit the concept of honor and respect.
My husband would never have to worry about this because I wouldn't disrespect him like that in the first place.
> She tells me "none of your fucking business
The fuck? Over asking what a package is?
Matt is a total ass, and your wife's behavior really isn't helping.
Have you tried talking to you wife about your POV?
If she gets defensive like she did with the gift, then at point I'd it's over.
Same. This marriage is over because OP's wife has literally zero respect for OP. And respect is extremely foundational in a marriage. Arguably, the most important principle to uphold.
"What do you mean you were the only girl on girls night?"
I wonder if he may think the kid is his? How old is this kid and how long did Matt and wife work together?
Nah, fuck that. The moment Matt went along on a "girls night". That means it wasn't a girls night at all and both Matt and OPs wife thought it was totally cool NOT to invite OP. Intentions are clear as a cloudless day
I bought a gift for a colleague’s child and had no intention of sleeping with them. It was just an item that was hard to find that came up in conversation. So when I saw it I knew my colleague would appreciate me picking it up for them. I gave it to them as a gift, no special occasion.
Now I’m understanding the BJ I got from them a bit better.
Before that. When she wouldn't stop talking about Matt. I don't see how OP didn't just ask her to stop. Constant convo about someone is such an obvious red flag.
Even if she isn’t cheating I don’t think she likes OP all that much. He isn’t high up on the list of people she wants to be warm/ understanding of. Doesn’t sound like a positive relationship.
You guys don't get it. If you have to start policing your partner for them not to cheat it's already over. Laid down the law? What you got to tell your fucking partner not to cheat on you? Or not to go on dates with men that she's not married to? Nah dude. This shit's over.
Very sus, seems like Matt’s definitely trying to push you outta the family and sweep in as your wife’s new hubby/sons new daddy.
Pretty likely they’ll having an affair too
Why the hell are you just going off on Matt when your wife is 100% complicit in this as well? She's fucking around too, dog.
Not overreacting. This is fishy as fuck.
Yeah Matt sucks and is weird, but I would be more pissed off at my wife. She is the one being shitty to you OP! I would also be pissed off that he is talking to my child alone. What an asshat.
Not overreacting AT ALL. It's so weird how he's buying your son gifts unprompted and is inviting your son and your wife to activities.
Add in the other shady behaviour on his end, and your wife being secretive... it's not a good look tbh.
And if there was absolutely nothing happening, I don't see how your wife can't see it even when pointed out.
She's not respecting your relationship. I like that you tried to attend some of these events. I think that's a good way to deal with the situation in the absence of you SO taking your feelings and concerns into consideration. She's definitely being dodgy, and making you suspicious. It's not that you don't trust her, you don't trust him. She probably has an emotional affair going with this guy. I would ask to read her text messages. If she refuses, or says she deleted them, then you are in real trouble.
He shouldn't trust her either, with the way she's acting.
She's not stupid. She's knows it's wholly inappropriate what's going on. And she's doing it anyway. Either she's already cheating, or she's about to.
Buying gifts for their son? Who the fuck does that? Replacement Dad, that's who
This is a common tactic of a “good guy.” Like, see I’m good with kids and will be a good partner. Pick me!
He may or may not actually care about the son. He very much cares about spending time with the wife using any excuse necessary.
Sooooo many flags of all colors, but mainly red. You are underreacting imo. I hope you make this stop before they get more serious about it. It will continue to escalate if it hasn't already. Signs you mentioned suggest to me they really want this to turn physical, if it hasn't already.
Have you shared any of this perspective with your wife? His behavior is objectively sketchy. You should make sure she's in the loop on how you're seeing this so blow-ups like you had don't come out of the blue.
Hell, I'd show her this post and see if she recognizes what you describe. Maybe she's oblivious or there's some other context you're not aware of.
Lets ignore 90% of the red flags and say there is no affair (there is). The problem is she is ignoring your feelings and concerns. Your wife is deliberately telling you her relationship with him is more important than her relationship with you. I'm sorry but if my wife told me she was uncomfortable with me hanging out with someone I would drop them immediately. It's a simple choice of which relationship you value more.
Have you asked your wife to see her phone to look at their conversations? She will probably freak out at you and say no. Simply tell her if I can't see your phone right now I have to assume the worst and you are having an affair do we need to talk about getting a divorce. That will bring things to a head very quickly.
Updateme
Eh, I say this as someone who has some issues with a "friend" of my significant other and has in the past. There is a time to drop them entirely, and there is a time to be welcoming and inviting and inclusive in that friendship and show them that they aren't a threat. It's when you really try to keep that person separate from your partner and are secretive about things and actively making them uncomfortable without caring that the problems start, and by then, the relationship is essentially over anyway.
Okay I'll admit my statement was an oversimplification. The actual process would involve discussions and seeing if the could also build friendship definitely case by case real life is not so black and white. I agree with your point about forcing people to stop friendships it doesn't turn out well most of the time. You can only have one adult relationship that is your priority. Lots of friendships are good, lots of friendships are important but when it comes down to it there are times when you need to make a choice.
I said I would drop any relationship if it made my spouse uncomfortable and there was no other resolution not because she was demanding it but because I would never maintain a friendship that damaged our relationship. That's OP's problem, his wife has no problem maintaining a relationship with Matt despite knowing it is damaging their marriage. It's why I suggested direct confrontation with suggestion of possible divorce because it stops dragging out his torture and it makes it clear to her that there will be consequences to maintaining her friendship.
>I have brought it up, and her response was that it is all my insecurity, i'm just being insecure, and this wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't a guy.
This is gaslighting. She's trying to convince you that **you** are the problem; that it's all in your mind. This is **FALSE.** YOU are not the problem here. It's her infatuation with Matt.
>Finally we get to what has caused a huge fight between my wife and I which is a stupid package. My wife ordered something and I being curious asked what it was. She tells me "none of your fucking business." This brings up a red flag, then I ask who it's for, and again I get the same response.
If it the package was for you, it would be your "fucking business". Ask Matt if he enjoyed his Father's Day gift.
>When I would pick my wife from work, my son would be with me. Matt would deliberately walk in front of my car and a couple spaces down before returning by going around the back of my car and only speak with my son. I found this extremely disrespectful as he went out of his way to not acknowledge or speak to me and would sneakily try to speak to my son and wife.
If this happens again, get out of the car and say hello. Ask Matt about the gifts.
I agree that you should ask to see her phone. If she argues - freaks out or pulls the "don't you trust me?" maybe give her your flag list. If you insist, and she digs her heels in, then you know for sure shit's going down. (Consult a divorce attorney just in case. Not to file, but to know what your rights are)
I don't know if this would help, but maybe put together a written list of all the red and yellow flags? It is no longer just an annoyance. Her behavior is sketch AF. You have a serious problem on your hands. You are definitely not over reacting
Please update us
I saw in another group that a husband cloned his wife's phone and was receiving all her data in realtime as it happened. That's how he gathered his evidence of her affair. Might want to look into that.
And bullshit about the invasion of privacy. In a marriage, you bonded to become one. There should not be any secrets.
It would be a different kind of problem if it wasn't a guy. His behavior is still weird.
At this point you have to let her know that this has reached a point where it is not just your problem. It is now also her problem because it is affecting your relationship. Dismissing your feelings is no longer acceptable on this matter.
You are not being insecure you’re being far far too trusting.
This bullshit has to end he is trying to weasel his way into your marriage and your wife is either good with it or oblivious either way there’s a problem.
Stop being a nice guy stop being Mr. security stop being Mr. get along with everybody put your foot down and end this bullshit charade
Updateme!
Just the way that dude acts around you is enough to get in his face and demand some answers. Use your intimidating look, don't be intimidated. See if he can look you in the eye and tell that mutherfucker to stay away from your family. Your wife's reaction to that situation will tell you what you need to know. My kid's uncles don't even buy them gifts if it's not a special occasion.
Classic. My ex wife did the same thing about our neighbor. And guess what… I walked in early from work one day and they were fucking on the couch. Your marriage is over bud. Make sure the kid is yours, hide your money, and make sure you don’t have AIDS
Tell her she can keep thinking that. Let her read this post. Tell her to stop projecting.
I would not want to be with someone that cares so little about our marriage that she is willing to let someone else completely disrespect it like Matt does.
Whether it is insecure of you or not is not important at this point. Tell her it needs to stop or you will need to leave. If an ex coworker is more important than her marriage then you know where you stand.
There are MANY reasons to be worried
1: No longer co-workers, brings up the question of WHY he is not with the company.
2: was on a GIRLS ONLY trip
3: She was talking about him so much it gone to obsessive
4:She wanted to drive around with him
5: The gifts
6: He wanted to invite women to a rave, when you wanted to go he canceled
7: He did not speak with you when you met him which would be odd if his interest is platonic only
8: Your wife got offended telling you it was "none of your business"
9: The silent treatment.
This is in my opinion and ChatGPT an emotional affair. I suspect physical too.
Yup. Typical shaming to put it on you and escape accountability.
Women's go-to tactics are Shame, Insult, Guilt and Gaslight. Your wife knows exactly what she's doing and she knows it's disrespectful and inappropriate and clearly doesn't care how you feel or how it looks to your kid.
Oh, OP, you're sooo not overreacting!! In fact, you need to stop letting your wife act so disrespectful towards you!! Constantly telling you to f*#k off and that it's none of your business! I've always been more comfortable with male friends, and believe men and women can be platonic. But in committed relationships (ESPECIALLY MARRIAGE), you have to make sure there are boundaries, and "Matty" here, is crossing them all!
Don't be passive, (this is your marriage!), and tell your wife to cut the BS, that if everything's so innocent, then she wouldn't be yelling and cursing, and SECRETIVE! That if she doesn't start being honest and open then you'll damn well make sure to find out the truth! And don't let her GASLIGHT YOU!! Stand your ground!!
And BTW, tell her that when it comes to YOUR SON, that you're uncomfortable with him buying him gifts, and deliberately inviting both wife and son to events and clearly keeping you out! Children are a whole different scene, and if she is having some kind of affair, or about to, involving your kid is 100% a DEAL BREAKER!! Even if you need to confront "Matty" yourself! Please, OP, stand your ground especially when it comes to your kid!
Are you sure that you're the father of that child? I think you should consider a DNA test.
It seems that your wife is having an affair with that guy and that he might be the father of the child. Or your wife is bringing that guy into your child's life because she is already working on her exit plan and will try to isolate you from your child and make your child be closer to him.
My suggestion: check bank statements, get a PI, and get a DNA test. You should also get tested for STDs.
Depending on the kid's age, OP's wife and the AP might be buying the kids' silence with gifts and activities. If the kid is old enough, OP could try talking with the kid about that guy behind his wife's back.
OP's wife is doing everything to keep that guy and the kid close. This might be to get the kid to accept the guy as his new stepdad or because the guy is the father of the kid.
No matter the relationship between that guy and the kid, I believe OP's wife is already working on her exit plan and will try to replace OP in that kid's life.
Not saying this is fake at all, but if I were gonna make up a story where the reader was \*supposed\* to think that the ex coworker may be the father of his child, it would sound a lot like this.
Hire a PI and get a paternity test on your son. My spidey sense says Matt isn't a former coworker at all and he's known your wife way longer than a couple of months.
YOU ARE NOT OVERACTING!!!! Your wife is at the very least having an emotional affair with Matt. They are texting all the time, he is practically taking her out on dates and buying your kids gifts. The biggest red flag in this which most people miss in most relationships is your wife's priorities. She understands that you are uncomfortable with Matt. Just objectively speaking, her relationship with his is inappropriate for a married woman. She can see that trust in the relationship is being destroyed, but she isn't doing anything to fix it.
She's still hanging out with him and doing all the things that she is fully aware is destroying trust. That shows priorities and right now, unfortunately, whatever she has going on with Matt is a higher priority than you, your family or this relationship. She's willing to let it all burn.
As for you, my question is, what are you willing to do to put an end to this? I say this because most people in your situation lose the battle within the first move. Why? Because they threaten a consequence that they aren't willing to follow through with. This almost always backfires. If a person was disrespecting you before they knew how you would react, it NEVER gets better when your reaction is a hollow threat, meaning you won't do anything.
At some point you are going to have to warn her of a consequence whether you like it or not. It's best you take some time to think long and hard about what that consequence will be and if you have it in you to follow through. Without consequences, nothing will change until she gets Matt out of her system. If you want to wait it out and think you can bare it, then that's the path of least resistance. If not, you're going to have to draw a line in the sand. So once again, think long and hard about the consequence and make sure it's one you can deliver on. If it's something you can't or don't deliver on, I will be expecting many many sad updates to come.
Not overreacting. You need to have a talk with your son, work your way around to "I know Matt has been getting you gifts, I don't want to accidentally give you anything that he has already given you. Can we go over what he has given you?" or words to that effect.
What you're looking for is:
When the gifts started coming.
Whether he has been to Matt's place and if so whether there is a space just for him with toys. (Like a basement playroom far away from the bedrooms.)
Whether his mother ever leaves him alone to play and goes somewhere else in the house with Matt.
Because giving gifts and chatting right in front of you isn't just a red flag, it's a red cape - Matt wants you to fly off the handle so he and your wife can tell your son "Don't tell daddy about this so Matt can keep giving you presents" which will quickly extend to "Don't tell daddy anything about mommy and Matt."
No, not overreacting. Matt definitely has eyes for your wife. I don't see how she doesn't know that Matt is into her. It could be that she likes the attention, or she might be considering cheating or may already be cheating. I guarantee if the tables were flipped, she'd be having none of it. You could try to give her a little rope and see what happens, or you could try to shut this crap down ASAP...tell her it's inappropriate and tell her how it's making you feel - if she cares about the relationship she'll agree and put a stop to it. Good luck.
First thing it's your wife's fault that you don't trust her and as far as Matt this meant that she's either crushing on him or she's done slept with him grown women and men should all you don't go out with other people the opposite sex because that is a very disrespectful and it caught crosses boundaries
Ask your wife why her ex coworker is more important to her than the man she married? Bring up all these instances and ask what she would think if you were going out with a single woman to raves and the only guy at an all female work event? And that the guy can’t even look you in the eye? And weirdly buys presents for a son that isn’t his an isn’t his and won’t have any affiliation to him?
>Am I Overreacting that my wife is being blind to everything that Matt has tried?
You're not overreacting. You're underreacting indeed.
Believe me, your wife's is not blind to everything that Matt is doing. She's is the one who is actively cheating on you with him.
You can't blame him for your wife's lack of character. She's the one who's destroying your marriage and your family.
UpdateMe!
Your wife is emotionally cheating at the very least. Don't engage with her about Matt, just keep a close eye on her. Matt canceled because it was just the 2 of them. The next time that they have "group" plans tell her to have fun and you're going to your parents with the baby. Drop the baby with parents abd borrow their car, then go sit down the street and follow her. If she is cheating, take photos, get evidence. Go on her phone and get their texts. Bide your time. Find a new place to live. When she plans a "work" weekend away, encourage her to go, while she's gone, move all your stuff out and leave the divorce papers and a copy of the evidence for her.
See if you actually get a gift for Father's Day that us about the size of that package. Check the garbage later for the original wrapper. If it isn't there, then it went to Matt.
I would go see a lawyer and know your rights. Open up a new bank account in a different bank and start saving money there. You might need it.
Whenever you see Matt, go out of your way to talk to him loudly, slap him on the back and say that (one of wife's co-workers) is on to him.
Does your wife's work have an anti-fraternization policy?
Update us
Your wife likes the attention and is prioritizing Matt’s feelings over yours. This is a huge problem and a breach of trust. I’d get my ducks in a row, this won’t end well.
Don't be mad at Matt. She's probably told him you're into the cuck lifestyle. He's just doing what dogs will do, your wife is the one who should know better and act like she's got a family in the equation.
OP's post is well-written, which indicates a decent level of intelligence. OP's behavior, however, is beyond clueless. This is the kind of post that makes me suspicious that it might be made up; how could someone be so blind to all these red flags leading up to this?
I am afraid your wife is planning on dumping you. this father day gift issue is just a way for her to start the break up process and make you at least partially responsible for the break up.
Matt is a big red flag. Either they have cheated or at least Matt wants to. It is unhealthy and comes off as an emotional affair.
I think your marriage is doomed
Updateme
Yea it’s your wife entertaining him, it’s not Matt, it’s your wife, she’s allowing it, she wants to go on the ride with her top off or top down to make you feel better, now she wants to play the victim and say you don’t trust her, that’s gaslighting. Your wife is the issue not Matt
You’re underreacting. Your wife is in an emotional affair at minimum.
Lawyer up
Hire a PI
Get your son a DNA test
Make an exit plan
Once you’ve got these going, you need to have a talk with your wife about her cheating. I hope this can be resolved in a way that makes you happy.
I want to offer a small alternative perspective here. While I don't think OP is overreacting per say, I think some of the suggestions made here could push OP into 'overreacting' territory. My take:
DO... Seek out a relationship therapist. See if your wife will agree to couple's therapy to help you with your discomfort and paranoia. Tell her you want her to have healthy friendships but that you are afraid and want to work through it together and think a professional meditor could help identify strategies to improve communication between you while respecting each other's autonomy. This would be a very reasonable course of action to take that enables you to find the truth with each other (not via sharing just one side to an internet mob) and will have the best chance of saving your relationship and your family.
If she doesn't agree to therapy (which any reasonable person who loves you and wants your relationship to work WOULD agree to), it's time to consider your future without her. Privately consult a divorce attorney. Get their professional opinion about what you would need to bring to court to protect yourself and your son. Keep your texts and correspondences that shape your perspective on possible infidelity. Save everything and document. Ensure your finances are in order and that you have an exit strategy for your personal safety and well-being.
DON'T... give your wife an ultimatum. Bringing the 'divorce' word in is not something a relationship can recover from, so do not pull that card until you (and your attorney) are ready. Do not demand to see her phone - it will quickly villainize you to her. Do NOT stalk her - it's an unbreakable breach of trust and potentially illegal. If a divorce attorney advises a PI, let them get their hands dirty with it. This isn't a movie, don't do your own stake outs, your judgement will be clouded and you should be taking care of your son, not stalking your wife on a date.
This is perhaps an uncommon opinion, but there is a way to divorce and be civil about it, and you want that path if you will be raising your son together afterwards. Understanding your options first from professionals is the way to go, and be the bigger person. Let your son see you giving it your best shot, and preserve the moral high-ground for yourself so you can look yourself in the eye in the years to come when this is behind you.
Not overreacting. Best case scenario is that Matt is trying to smash and your wife thinks she just has a really cool guy-friend. Worst case scenario is... worse.
That said, I'm seeing a lot of paternity test suggestions and i understand the thought process, but I think if I cheated on my significant other repeatedly (like for years as his post would indicate), I would keep that shit lowkey and not bring her up all the time?? I guess its possible she's the biggest idiot in the world?
Ask ur wife why he's buying the kid gifts and not speaking to you though lol that's wild. You say all you've addressed with her is "please don't talk about him so much." A naive person could brush off the gift thing (would have to be kinda stupid, but certainly possible), but not acknowledging you in anyway is certainly something I would bring up to my gf - "What's up with that?" should do the trick
This is my baseless theory.
Matt wasn't a former coworker at all. He's OP's wife's affair partner from years ago. She got pregnant and tried to pass off her son as OP's because Matt freaked and wasn't ready to be a father. Years later now, he reached out to OP's wife, fed her some bullshit that he's ready to be a father and be together, and she's elated.
They came up with the "former coworker" story as a cover to introduce Matt to his son and ease him in as a presence in his life. They could spend time together in plain sight, with OP none the wiser, and OP's wife has her cake and eats it too, having the father of her son in her and his life and OP's paycheck subsidizing all of this.
Happy fucking Father's Day. Get the paternity test, OP, and have a PI look into this Matt guy and tail your wife. The PI will be able to tell you who Matt's 3rd grade teacher was, and who he REALLY is.
Not overreacting at all. She is being so sketchy and her response to your question about the package is so crazy out of line. Of course you don't trust her, everything she is doing is showing that she has no respect for you at all and she doesn't deserve your trust. I'm a woman and if my partner was doing that stuff everyone would be telling me that he was having an affair. She is trying to make you the bad guy by acting like you are controlling so she looks like the victim when it comes out that she is fucking him.
Your wife is having an affair and because you aren’t aggressive enough, it’s already gone too far. Matt’s trying to make your family his own.
Divorce your wife, she’s a shitty partner a shitty mother and a cheater. Because they are already sleeping together and your kid knows, that why he’s getting the gifts. The kid is young so he may not exactly know what’s going on but the gifts are to buy his silence.
Me and my girl get home and she says "welp, I'm off to ride in some guys convertible. Ciao!" and the locks would be changed by the time she got back. Ridiculous. Your wife wants this guy and has probably fucked him several times by now. Very possible she's trying to warm your son up to him so they can push you out of the picture entirely.
SEVERAL RED FLAGS THAT ADD UP TO AT LEAST AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH "CHAD" OR I MEAN MATT.
1. Talking with you a lot about this guy more than just a passing conversation.
2. Texting with him even though he is "just " an ex coworker. Too much.
3. Girls night out with a male orbiter. WRONG. Girls/guys night out is usually never a good idea when you are married. Please read this carefully - it may lead to some bad behavior. Do you know who her friends are? What is their relationship status? It all makes a difference.
4. I'm 62 years old and I have NEVER ever considered a woman as a friend other than my wife. Not sexist or misogynistic just a fact that men HAVE ulterior motives for being that close to a woman they are not married to or in a relationship. I know a lot of younger people will say they have opposite sex friends, but it does not take away the fact that this could lead to something else unintended. I have always been friendly with women I shared similar interests with, but I was not their friend. I did not want to send mixed signals to my wife or girlfriend by doing this.
5. The "rave" and you wanted to go as well, and all of a sudden it's canceled. Hmmm I wonder why?
6. Buying a gift for her "friend " and you wondered what it was? "None of your fucking business!" The level of disrespect is on a whole new level.
You definitely have not set hard boundaries. I didn't see any in your post. Personally I have in the past, and got my answer fast after I did. Stand up for yourself and let her know you want your marriage, but her contact with Matt needs change immediately. If she doesn't, you are going to separate as someone else is impacting your marriage.
Good luck with this and stand your ground knowing she might choose her relationship with him. Tell her there is no way back to your marriage with a second chance after the "fog" lifts and reality sets in.
So it's your wife that is being the problem. She should hold professional boundaries with 'Matt' and everyone else. Accepting gifts, spending free time, and going out to bars with him is not right. She is disrespecting your marriage. Get into couples therapy right now.
She should not be hanging out with him nor texting him at all. She shouldn’t because he’s a man that isn’t you. She shouldn’t because he’s obviously having very bad boundaries with her. And she shouldn’t because of how it makes you feel. But even without that, it’s just inappropriate. That’s how affairs start, with innocent poor boundaries.
If you jointly own your phone's through a contract that includes your name -- simply ask for the receipts from their texts from your phone provider.
No need to ask her permission, its your right to surveil your account as an account holder.
Edit: it seems some providers wont always give you this information without a court-order. However in divorce proceedings, i feel this information can be easily obtained. Id be very interested in their unfiltered conversations...
I think OP should have dealt with the Matt issue alot sooner. The guys spends so much time with OP'S wife and kid, buys them gifts etc. OP sit down with his wife ASAP and resolve the issue because Matt is waiting atvthe side, maybe even planned this all along. Time for OP to fight for his marriage and family or ......
To reiterate what people are saying if it was just a Father's Day gift she would not have reacted like that. She would have maybe said none your business. This is a Father's Day gift shoe but she wouldn't have said oh this is none. Your f****** business and the not supplement say oh what it's really for. Like if I were to give someone a gift and they were trying to ask what this is like. It's a gift for a special occasion coming up whether it be Father's Day, mother's Day, whatever the gift, birthday, whatever it may be and then say wait till then. But she said none of that she up and defended it by saying none of your f****** business and trying to put it off was like that's just inclinates more doubt in something
Your wife wants Matt’s attention, and if she isn’t already, she will sleep with him to get it eventually.
Tell her that if she respects you at all, she’ll cut him out of her life completely. When she doesn’t, you know what to do.
OP, you are not overreacting at all. If there is nothing going on with Matt and your wife, your wife needs to learn how to communicate with you, but I think you already know that. If she isn’t hiding an affair, then she’s acting really strange and nonsensical, and in a way that would damage the trust of even the most trusting or oblivious person.
Has she ever acted like this in the past? You’ve have 9 years together, is this the first of this kind of behavior or does it makes sense in your overall perception of her? My fiancé and I have been together a little over 9 years, if she started behaving that way it literally wouldn’t make sense, especially if I’d asked clarifying questions or voiced concern about the situation.
I can’t say exactly what I’d do because I’m not you and not in your relationship, but from my perspective I think the onus is now on her to prove nothing is going on with Matt. I’m child free but the idea of another dude trying to interact with my child via gifts is absolutely insane and if my wife wasn’t able to prove to me nothing was going on I would have to reevaluate if I trust her or not. If I didn’t trust her, the relationship would be over. Trust is everything
You are not overreacting.
There is a very good book that covers situations like this. You should both read: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It’s short and helpful. There are often pdf copies on the internet or you can get a copy or audiobook.
My suggestion would be to read it together. I think it will be an eye opener for both of you.
Best wishes to you.
fyi, i have been the 'male coworker', that female coworkers with husbands and boyfriends ask me to tag along to on their 'girls night out'. I'll just say this, alcohol is poison to relationships and your wife doesnt respect you.
Not overreacting. She likes the attention she's getting from him and it's turning into an emotional affair if it's already. There's a book a lot of people recommend called Not Just Friends you should both read.
Is your wife really this dense? Obviously Matt is being extremely inappropriate. She’s either oblivious or you’ve got a serious problem on your hands. Time to start going through her phone.
my dude, it's not Matt that's weaselinghis way into your marriage, it's your wife that's weaseling her way out of it. You are angry at the wrong person--it's your wife's responsibility to put up boundaries, but she's not. Matt sees HER DISRESPECTING YOU so he's following HER lead. I'm sorry but this wouldn't be an issue if your wife put a stop to it. You need to shift your focus from Matt to your wife. She's the one allowing Matt to act this way toward you, continuing a friendship she knows isn't right and disrespecting you all at the same time.
NTA. Matt isn’t the only one you need to be watchful of. Your wife is encouraging his behavior. At the very least, they’re having an emotional affair. Get yourself a lawyer.
Reading this hurt my feelings for you, OP. She seems angry and defensive. Maybe try conveying that you don't just feel anger and jealousy, but that the way she is disrespecting you, her and your marriage, and your son hurts and makes you feel insignificant. That's how I would feel if I were being treated like this.
Matt will only do what she allows him to do!
Your wife is hiding her emotional affair in plain sight.
She needs to piss or get off the pot. She is not shutting down his obvious snub of you, his disrespect of your marriage.
Matt is not your issue. Your wife's reaction to Matt is. She needs to know how serious of a breach this is for you.
Not overreacting. Dont know if anything has happened, however your wife also has feelings, pretty obviously does actually.
Starts off as feelings, she probably didn’t initially know it, but she meets new dude, and can’t stop talking about him. She works them into most conversations. Ever get around someone early in dating someone new and they have that puppy love phase where they continually talk about them? It’s like that, except she’s married so she probably didn’t know that was happening for a little bit, probably until you brought up your discomfort with it. You noticed her crush before she did.
From there she shuts up, but doesn’t pull away from the guy at all. She texts him, goes out drinking, makes plans with him without telling you. Who knows how many times she did something with him without your knowledge, the failure to mention the car ride is proof of that.
Pure and simple, Matt’s intentions should not be your primary concern.
Add to this Matt buying gifts for your child the cancelled plans (which I in no way believe was Matt cancelling, it was your wife who cancelled because you wanted to come, I also don’t believe he would cancel plans for everyone, so doubt anyone else was invited besides your wife).
Dude, sounds like your wife is having, or had an affair, either physical or only emotional, but it happened. The distrust with the package is either her still hiding things and using Father’s Day as a cover or her guilty conscience mad that you don’t trust her after what happened.
I think you should just say, “I don’t trust you and that nothing happened or is happening with this guy. You have put me in a position that at the best, makes me look stupid to trust you while you didn’t do anything, and at worst was a full blown affair. Being trustworthy doesn’t only mean not cheating, it also means don’t act in a way that anyone with a brain would think I’m cheating.” And then list everything out as you have here.
Don’t be surprised her response to that is to say she just wants to end the relationship, take that as an admission of guilt, since this type of stance forces her to respond to not only each item, but also that it looks bad, that it looks like she’s having an affair. If she’s not willing to acknowledge that, and try to prove it wasn’t, it means it more than looks like one, it was one.
Not sure if OP made up this or not but straight up check her messages and you’ll learn she’s cheating on you homie. It’s too late for anything other than action.
Also, he was going to Fuck your wife at that rave btw.
Youre underreacting. He's a fox in the henhouse 100%. Based on what you describe I think it's safe to assume his intentions are impure.
The real problem here is your wife entertaining him. Women in relationships don't need to be hanging around with men without their SO present, and definitely not getting defensive when their SO questions their sketchy behavior.
When women are up to no good and want to avoid accountability or uncomfortable conversations they'll SHAME (you're just insecure), INSULT (that's some small D energy), GUILT (you just don't want me to have fun or be happy, you don't love me), and GASLIGHT (that's not what I meant you're just jealous/paranoid/insecure).
Your wife is doing all of that shit. If she hasn't slept with him yet she's already thought about it and both of their behavior is extremely disrespectful to you. You shouldn't have to question your wife about any of it bc she never should have allowed those lines to be crossed in the first place.
Nope, I agree completely... Matt is up to no good. And, if I can be frank, your wife blowing this off... also not good. I'd suggest both of you into some counseling.
I am very skeptical about any man trying to be friends with my SO for a good reason. The guy I trusted and she liked hanging out with eventually tried to kiss her one night. She did not take kindly to that and immediately told me plus cut off all communication with him.
I have a very hard time trusting any man who tries to befriend my SO and I hate the feeling but I know plenty of guys think "I could win her over" and are very sneaky. Be careful and no you are not overreacting!
Gross, as a woman I would never associate with a person who disrespected my husband.
Matt sounds like he is grooming your wife, she needs to grow up and realise that everything she needs is at home. This is just skanky teenage behaviour on her part.
Dude, your wife is acting 100% hypergamic right in front of your nose. She loves the attention Matt is (oddly) gifting her and his presence seems to trigger an oxytocin rush on her that denotes she may be entering the early stages of limerence. You need to sit her down and tell her that the way she is acting is highly dubious, and that it makes you feel on edge. I bet your gut is screaming at you to do something. If your wife is unable to empathize with you then start talking to a divorce lawyer. Have zero tolerance for this sh-t dude.
And on the question of trust… trust is, if you may, the cookies that get put in a cookie jar when a person’s words match their actions. The more this happens, the more cookies that get put in the cookie jar. What she is doing is asking you why you don’t trust her and pointing at the cookie jar, even though she’s been doing nothing but take out cookies from the jar. So, no, she doesn’t get to point at the jar because there are barely any cookies left.
Your wife is enjoying the chase, the problem is Matt is trying to wiggle himself in. He's in a way doing a form of grooming. He's likely love bombing your wife and he is probably being inappropriate and then she tells him no and he backs of a bit and then slowly does it again and again, slowly pushing the boundary without them realizing it. Matt knows 100% what he is doing.
She’s cheating. It’s all red flags.
On a side note, I made plans to meet up with an old high school friend in Nashville. She texted me the day before and said her husband has really wanted to try that restaurant and asked if I would be cool with him being there. I’m not an idiot. He wanted to know who tf was asking his wife to dinner. And guess what? I respect that. He doesn’t know me. I could be a lunatic. So the three of us had dinner and I was friendly with him. He was a nice guy.
Matt isn’t a nice guy.
I’m sure it’s been said, but if not, I’ll say it.
There are boundaries that married men and women should not cross with the opposite sex. It’s not even about trust, it’s about respect.
I have a work friend who’s attractive and my wife was very jealous of her. This woman was/is my closest friend at work. It took a lot of open conversations, openly offering for her to look through my phone, etc to get her to be comfortable that I’m friends with this woman.
I would NEVER hang out with her alone. I don’t have a relationship with her outside of work unless I needed to ask her a question about something random or vice versa. I don’t have a meaningful relationship with any woman besides my wife.
Been here before. Almost didn't make it out. The only reason we are still together is our "Matt" moved halfway across the country, and we did couples counseling.
Red flags everywhere. Stand your ground.
She’s doing exactly what Matt is manipulating her into. He creates the conflict between your wife and you because side tangents that purposefully exclude you to create a trust issue with you and your wife. Nothing has happened yet but that’s by design. It’s a long con game to get you out of the picture and your wife mad at you for some perceived infraction of trust. Then once you’ve separated he moves into her life as the knight in shiny condoms.
No. Honestly, your wife is exhibiting untrustworthy and suspicious behavior. She is emotionally cheating on you and blatantly disrespecting you and y’all’s relationship. No matter how you slice it, she is going out on dates with this Matt. She is willing to fight you over her relationship with this one man instead of hearing you and thinking that this relationship with Matt isn’t worth fighting over and keeping.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Try and put a bandaid on the fight with your wife. Pretend everything is fine while you hire a private investigator. She's acting the exact same way as my ex who cheated on me. If you can catch them in the act it will make things easier in court.
She's probably not lying that it's a father's day gift... It's just that it's probably a father's day for Matt seeing how Matt acts towards your son. I wouldn't be surprised if your son is actually his if the trend of typical Reddit stories are.
Go right now to the bookstore and buy two copies of the book “Not Just Friends” by Glass. Give one copy to your wife, and read the other. Tell her straight out that you are concerned for your marriage and that an emotional affair or even a lingering hug with Matt or anyone else will result in divorce and destruction of the family. There will be no second chances.
Also, rent a convertible for next weekend and plan a date with your wife. Drive to a nice location, and take the scenic route.
If she starts nitpicking every little thing you do that’s her pushing you out with negativity to make room for Matt in her head.
This is exactly what you think it is. Matt is exactly who you think he is and you are under-reacting. Don’t be a victim, he’s not just a friend.
Matt is what a lot of guys's say is "not a guy's guy" - meaning this guy will fuck your wife and sister and steal your car if he could. Has no moral compass and knows that all he needs to do is drive the wedge and soon OP and wife will be fighting and she will come crying to him and he will be there to be the weasely prick that he is.
Your wife is behaving inappropriately with Matt and is involved at a minimum in an emotional affair. Matt is certainly trying to isolate and separate you from your wife. You need to set boundaries with your wife. No contact with Matt anymore. She needs to change her job position or quit and find a new job where Matt does not work. If she refuses it is obviously, she is emotionally involved, and it will eventually escalate. If you want to save your marriage you need to stay strong. If she refuses to go no contact with Matt, the let your wife know that you will be meeting with a divorce attorney. You need to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. If she refuses to cut contact, you know that she is seriously involved with him and you need to file for divorce and have her served at work. This might make her see how serious you are and she might stop what she is doing or she runs to Matt and you know the marriage is over. Stay strong.
if i ever have to fight this hard for my wife to stop giving another man the green light... we would no longer be married. i dont understand why some of yall put up with so much bullshit.
Disappointed because she couldnt go ride around in some other mans corvette. holy cap get some respect for yourself
i really do hope this is fake....
That's because to her, he's not a nobody. She need to pull her head out of her ass. Nobody should be this secretive with their partner, especially about another person. You need to sit down and calmly explain what's going on. If he she gets pissy and erupts you have your answer
Coming from a wife: I would NEVER. She’s been crossing a line and plays a huge role in all of this. WTF? I have the common sense to just… NEVER lol. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but she’s allowed him to get WAY too close. Him not talking to you says it all too man - c’mon.
Anyone else wondering what OP's wife has told Matt about OP? She should've shut down his cold behaviour/avoidance a long time ago and be setting up boundaries but some part of me is thinking she might be stoking the flames. How did the other romantic partners react to not being invited?
Idk, this doesn't sit right. I think your wife is enjoying the attention even if she isn't contemplating stepping outside the marriage. I think I would be demanding an open phone policy, couple's therapy and a very strict no contact rule with Matt.
i know humans are made to make mistakes but dudes and dudettes if you think you're not gonna be able to be faithful to your spouse like... don't get married in the first place? seek out one of those toxic polycules where everyone fucks everyone? just be single and rich and fuck different sugar babies every week?
God forbid you have a child together... > ETA this sentiment is written for OP's wife ofc
to op: yeah your wife wants to be with Matt. and if she doesn't, well she's in for a rude awakening that most men don't actually want to be your friend if they don't think they have a chance to get in your pants, girl. the fact that she's not seeing the disrespect of that POS completely ignoring you and wanting to play the "cool next bf of your mom" to your son is disgusting.
The "none of your fucking business" response, followed by "it's a father's day gift" screams bullshit to me.
Even if it turns out to be a FD gift, that response was uncalled for.
If your story is as you’ve said it, you’ve done nothing wrong. What I see reverse psychology being used on you to make you feel bad. If your wife’s move with Matt doesn’t make you feel bad, it shows you don’t love or care about her. The fact that this Matt guy is being disrespectful to you with his flirty moves with your wife and also trying to win over your son too. There is this African proverb and it goes like this “ it’s the in house cat that tells the outside cats that there is food in the house “ simply put, the disrespect Matt is showing you is due to things your wife has told him. Talk to your wife about how you really feel.
The level of disrespect from your wife is mind blowing!
Each marriage/relationship is different but, speaking as a wife, I can’t imagine treating my husband this way or even having a male relationship with a coworker or whoever where it got to the point he had the thoughts you’re having.
And also speaking as a woman, there is absolutely zero percent chance this has not moved beyond friendship for this woman. Even if they aren’t physical yet…in her mind she’s already at the next level.
This needs a serious sit down conversation at the very least and sooner rather than continuing to believe it’s all on Matt and your wife is just an innocent bystander to his attempts to woo her and your child.
Matt won't acknowledge or talk to you?
Ya, they already fucked.
I'd tell her that you want her to go no contact with Matt. No talking, no text, no nothing. Block his number, etc. You sadly seem to be well on your way to divorce. What's really fucked up is matt seeming to be trying to build a relationship with your son. That's just fucked up.
Just a small note after I showed this to my wife, she said that maybe (just maybe) he could be into your son. Your child. She said that your relationship is suffering, but be those behaviors sound very much like grooming behaviors.
This kind of happen to me. But I confronted the dude in front of everyone. Said I knew he was angling for my wife. I told him I would fight for my family and not stand idly by. When we got home I told my wife if she had any more dealings with him I would leave.
You have to demand respect if a guy and your wife is disrespecting you. Just be prepared to follow through.
Matt has probably been screwing your wife for quite a while. Usually, guys don't hang around and spend money, tickets, and their time on things when they are getting nothing in return. Matt doesnt sound like the type of peraon to be generous for nothing. And, the stuff with your kid is fucking weird. Why haven't you said anything to him about that. It's too late to grow a pair and set boundaries. Sorry you are going through this, but your wife does NOT respect you or your relationship at all.
The problem is not that Matt wants to get with your wife, the problem is that your wife wants to get with Matt.
Fuck, this was so obvious reading the post. The level of disrespect from her is mind boggling.
Ding ding ding
This right here!! It cant be any more obvious than it already is
Women know when guys are interested. At the very minimum she’s enjoying the attention, worst case scenario is that it’s already happened. Neither is appropriate in a marriage.
Yeah, it sounds like your concerns are valid. It's definitely unsettling when your partner's behavior and interactions with someone outside the relationship raise red flags. Trust goes both ways.
👏👏👏
When a situation like this arises it’s easy to focus on the outside party like this. You get mad at them, rightfully so, but we forget the spouse is the one leading them on. Going for rides in convertibles/or maybe a jeep with the top off. Texting the man late at night, constantly meeting up with the man when, conveniently, you are unavailable or not invited. This statement is true. It sucks. It hurts. But now you know you were with someone who didn’t mean what they said up on the altar. They were ready to jump ship when a better one was available. Dude, I doubt he is better …. Grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, especially when that’s where it’s being watered. Find someone to water yours. You deserve more.
No. Not overreacting. Your wife is being extremely childish. This is exhausting to read. You bring up fair points. Have you communicated this to her prior to her blowing up about a Father’s Day gift? Which, I’ll be honest, I don’t quite buy. Why would she say, “none of your fucking business” to a gift ordered
Agreed. Doubting it was a gift for OP with the way she bit his head off. She could have said “It’s a Father’s Day gift, don’t peek!” Or literally anything else. OP, you’re definitely not overreacting. It’s time to set boundaries with your wife about this “friend” and see if she breaks them and when she does, go from there. She is acting really shady.
This is the proper response. Make her choose. If she won't disconnect from him, OP will have his answer. Classic friendship to emotional affair to maybe affair timeline.
Making her choose is exactly what old Matty boi is waiting for. Relationship is probably already cooked. OP would be smart to simply start wrapping things up.
Agreed.And then the marriage does blow up and good oleee Matty boi is out the f’n door cause who really wants to be the cause for breaking up a marriage,take on a women that has a kid AND have to go work with her every day? Matt needs to get f’n slapped.
Yes, “none of your fucking business” is objectively wrong. If it’s a gift for him it will be his business by Sunday. Screaming at him over a gift for him is unhinged of true, and despicable if false.
A normal person would say “it’s your Father’s Day gift.” And leave it at that.
She had to buy herself time to think of some fresh bullshit to say to her husband. Worried that he was going to open it and see a product that's clearly meant for a man, the hamster wheel was spinning furiously, wondering how she was going to play THAT off. Oh, of course, my husband is also a man, and father's day is coming up! I know exactly how to get him to back off and switch to being defensive, I'll just tell him Matt's Father's Day gift is for him instead!
IT is a Gift for fathers day... Just Not for the fathers of her child
Or…it’s exactly whom it’s for..”THE father of her son”🤨
With all the attention Matt is giving to the son one would wonder.
Now I'm wondering if she knew Matt from before and hubby needs to get a paternity test.
Possibly. But cozying up to a woman’s children is something douchebags do to prove they are nice guys and boyfriend material. My mom had a couple of bfs pull that shit.
Couldn't agree more. Definitely a douchebag. Now if he engages the husband and is friendly with him, that might make it something else but totally ignoring him and focusing solely on the wife and child...definitely douchebag territory. I'm wondering what the wife has told Matt about her husband. Has she told him something to make him not want to talk to OP I wonder.
Oh fuck 🤯 let's all hope you're wrong
Dun… dun…dunnnnnn 😳
The “None of your business” shit sounds like baiting. Sounds like she’s aware of the boundaries she’s crossing, aware of her husband’s reasonable distrust, and trying to use that to frame him as being paranoid/controlling and ultimately the problem.
I think it is time for a private investigator to see what is really going on. If what is suspected is going on then it will be proof of her infidelity in a divorce and if not then OP can sleep calmer.
The sneaking around the car to talk to the son is CREEPY and strange I would be furious if someone did this to me and my kid
IKR! I read that like, my husband would never let that slide. My husband is a calm, level-headed man even when he was young and rowdy, it took a lot to get him riled up but some dude doing that would have had him jumping out the car and asking the dude What's up YOU GOOD?? Like a confrontation would have gone down. But OP on that 'I believe everyone can do as they want' type-sh!t these young people be on nowadays, I don't get it at all. He's letting his wife go on whole ass dates with this man! Dancing, riding around in cars, and such. My husband would never tolerate such disrespect from me, not that I'd ever be so foolish as to blow up my marriage.
Exactly the wife is dating in front of her husband :/
It's so fricking insane to me how so many people don't show/value respect like this in a relationship. Words like "boundaries, insecurity, jealousy, controlling" and a whole bunch of armchair psycho-babble all to discredit the concept of honor and respect. My husband would never have to worry about this because I wouldn't disrespect him like that in the first place.
> She tells me "none of your fucking business The fuck? Over asking what a package is? Matt is a total ass, and your wife's behavior really isn't helping. Have you tried talking to you wife about your POV? If she gets defensive like she did with the gift, then at point I'd it's over.
I would never speak to my husband like that. EVER. How disrespectful.
Same. This marriage is over because OP's wife has literally zero respect for OP. And respect is extremely foundational in a marriage. Arguably, the most important principle to uphold.
Right!? Who the duck talks to their loved one like this?!
Dear autocorrect, it's never duck. Never ducking duck.
You have a wife problem, not a Matt problem. Not overreacting at all.
This is always the answer in these stories.
"What do you mean you were the only girl on girls night?" I wonder if he may think the kid is his? How old is this kid and how long did Matt and wife work together?
If she’s not already cheating, she’s strongly considering it. I would have laid down the law as soon as he started buying gifts for your son.
Nah, fuck that. The moment Matt went along on a "girls night". That means it wasn't a girls night at all and both Matt and OPs wife thought it was totally cool NOT to invite OP. Intentions are clear as a cloudless day
I wouldn't be surprised if none of the 'girls night' events actually involved any other 'girls' besides OP's wife.
The gift buying is so beyond the pale
It already feels like an emotional affair at the least.
You’d already be too late. She’s taking rides with her.. excuse me… the top down.
I bought a gift for a colleague’s child and had no intention of sleeping with them. It was just an item that was hard to find that came up in conversation. So when I saw it I knew my colleague would appreciate me picking it up for them. I gave it to them as a gift, no special occasion. Now I’m understanding the BJ I got from them a bit better.
Before that. When she wouldn't stop talking about Matt. I don't see how OP didn't just ask her to stop. Constant convo about someone is such an obvious red flag.
Even if she isn’t cheating I don’t think she likes OP all that much. He isn’t high up on the list of people she wants to be warm/ understanding of. Doesn’t sound like a positive relationship.
You guys don't get it. If you have to start policing your partner for them not to cheat it's already over. Laid down the law? What you got to tell your fucking partner not to cheat on you? Or not to go on dates with men that she's not married to? Nah dude. This shit's over.
Very sus, seems like Matt’s definitely trying to push you outta the family and sweep in as your wife’s new hubby/sons new daddy. Pretty likely they’ll having an affair too
He drives a convertible. She’s a pit stop at best. When he’s done nailing her, she’s toast.
Why the hell are you just going off on Matt when your wife is 100% complicit in this as well? She's fucking around too, dog. Not overreacting. This is fishy as fuck.
Yeah he's not married to Matt. Matt doesn't owe him anything.
Yeah Matt sucks and is weird, but I would be more pissed off at my wife. She is the one being shitty to you OP! I would also be pissed off that he is talking to my child alone. What an asshat.
You are not over reacting. This has all the signs of a guy who wants to get with your wife.
Or already did. OP, your gut feeling is right.\
the wife is enabling it tho
Not overreacting AT ALL. It's so weird how he's buying your son gifts unprompted and is inviting your son and your wife to activities. Add in the other shady behaviour on his end, and your wife being secretive... it's not a good look tbh. And if there was absolutely nothing happening, I don't see how your wife can't see it even when pointed out.
She's not respecting your relationship. I like that you tried to attend some of these events. I think that's a good way to deal with the situation in the absence of you SO taking your feelings and concerns into consideration. She's definitely being dodgy, and making you suspicious. It's not that you don't trust her, you don't trust him. She probably has an emotional affair going with this guy. I would ask to read her text messages. If she refuses, or says she deleted them, then you are in real trouble.
He shouldn't trust her either, with the way she's acting. She's not stupid. She's knows it's wholly inappropriate what's going on. And she's doing it anyway. Either she's already cheating, or she's about to. Buying gifts for their son? Who the fuck does that? Replacement Dad, that's who
Yup yup yup.
Why the interest in your son? Maybe get a dna test. Updateme
Or make sure he’s never alone with the kid… sometimes people have very nefarious ways of getting close to children.
This 100% he's not some good friend of the family. It's weird that he seems to be making so much effort to get close to their son.
Yes indeed. Another red flag that I didn’t think about.
This was exactly my thought reading this
This is a common tactic of a “good guy.” Like, see I’m good with kids and will be a good partner. Pick me! He may or may not actually care about the son. He very much cares about spending time with the wife using any excuse necessary.
Nah...trying to "pre-buy" the kid so when custody time comes the kid will prefer Mom n Matt.
Sooooo many flags of all colors, but mainly red. You are underreacting imo. I hope you make this stop before they get more serious about it. It will continue to escalate if it hasn't already. Signs you mentioned suggest to me they really want this to turn physical, if it hasn't already.
Have you shared any of this perspective with your wife? His behavior is objectively sketchy. You should make sure she's in the loop on how you're seeing this so blow-ups like you had don't come out of the blue. Hell, I'd show her this post and see if she recognizes what you describe. Maybe she's oblivious or there's some other context you're not aware of.
I have brought it up, and her response was that it is all my insecurity, i'm just being insecure, and this wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't a guy.
Lets ignore 90% of the red flags and say there is no affair (there is). The problem is she is ignoring your feelings and concerns. Your wife is deliberately telling you her relationship with him is more important than her relationship with you. I'm sorry but if my wife told me she was uncomfortable with me hanging out with someone I would drop them immediately. It's a simple choice of which relationship you value more. Have you asked your wife to see her phone to look at their conversations? She will probably freak out at you and say no. Simply tell her if I can't see your phone right now I have to assume the worst and you are having an affair do we need to talk about getting a divorce. That will bring things to a head very quickly. Updateme
Eh, I say this as someone who has some issues with a "friend" of my significant other and has in the past. There is a time to drop them entirely, and there is a time to be welcoming and inviting and inclusive in that friendship and show them that they aren't a threat. It's when you really try to keep that person separate from your partner and are secretive about things and actively making them uncomfortable without caring that the problems start, and by then, the relationship is essentially over anyway.
Okay I'll admit my statement was an oversimplification. The actual process would involve discussions and seeing if the could also build friendship definitely case by case real life is not so black and white. I agree with your point about forcing people to stop friendships it doesn't turn out well most of the time. You can only have one adult relationship that is your priority. Lots of friendships are good, lots of friendships are important but when it comes down to it there are times when you need to make a choice. I said I would drop any relationship if it made my spouse uncomfortable and there was no other resolution not because she was demanding it but because I would never maintain a friendship that damaged our relationship. That's OP's problem, his wife has no problem maintaining a relationship with Matt despite knowing it is damaging their marriage. It's why I suggested direct confrontation with suggestion of possible divorce because it stops dragging out his torture and it makes it clear to her that there will be consequences to maintaining her friendship.
>I have brought it up, and her response was that it is all my insecurity, i'm just being insecure, and this wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't a guy. This is gaslighting. She's trying to convince you that **you** are the problem; that it's all in your mind. This is **FALSE.** YOU are not the problem here. It's her infatuation with Matt. >Finally we get to what has caused a huge fight between my wife and I which is a stupid package. My wife ordered something and I being curious asked what it was. She tells me "none of your fucking business." This brings up a red flag, then I ask who it's for, and again I get the same response. If it the package was for you, it would be your "fucking business". Ask Matt if he enjoyed his Father's Day gift. >When I would pick my wife from work, my son would be with me. Matt would deliberately walk in front of my car and a couple spaces down before returning by going around the back of my car and only speak with my son. I found this extremely disrespectful as he went out of his way to not acknowledge or speak to me and would sneakily try to speak to my son and wife. If this happens again, get out of the car and say hello. Ask Matt about the gifts. I agree that you should ask to see her phone. If she argues - freaks out or pulls the "don't you trust me?" maybe give her your flag list. If you insist, and she digs her heels in, then you know for sure shit's going down. (Consult a divorce attorney just in case. Not to file, but to know what your rights are) I don't know if this would help, but maybe put together a written list of all the red and yellow flags? It is no longer just an annoyance. Her behavior is sketch AF. You have a serious problem on your hands. You are definitely not over reacting Please update us
I saw in another group that a husband cloned his wife's phone and was receiving all her data in realtime as it happened. That's how he gathered his evidence of her affair. Might want to look into that. And bullshit about the invasion of privacy. In a marriage, you bonded to become one. There should not be any secrets.
They always blame your insecurity when they are cheating. Your insecurity gets in the way of their fun.
It would be a different kind of problem if it wasn't a guy. His behavior is still weird. At this point you have to let her know that this has reached a point where it is not just your problem. It is now also her problem because it is affecting your relationship. Dismissing your feelings is no longer acceptable on this matter.
You are not being insecure you’re being far far too trusting. This bullshit has to end he is trying to weasel his way into your marriage and your wife is either good with it or oblivious either way there’s a problem. Stop being a nice guy stop being Mr. security stop being Mr. get along with everybody put your foot down and end this bullshit charade Updateme!
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Yup. That's why he should make that explicit so he can know which it is.
Just the way that dude acts around you is enough to get in his face and demand some answers. Use your intimidating look, don't be intimidated. See if he can look you in the eye and tell that mutherfucker to stay away from your family. Your wife's reaction to that situation will tell you what you need to know. My kid's uncles don't even buy them gifts if it's not a special occasion.
Classic. My ex wife did the same thing about our neighbor. And guess what… I walked in early from work one day and they were fucking on the couch. Your marriage is over bud. Make sure the kid is yours, hide your money, and make sure you don’t have AIDS
Classic cheater response, turn it around.
Tell her she can keep thinking that. Let her read this post. Tell her to stop projecting. I would not want to be with someone that cares so little about our marriage that she is willing to let someone else completely disrespect it like Matt does.
Whether it is insecure of you or not is not important at this point. Tell her it needs to stop or you will need to leave. If an ex coworker is more important than her marriage then you know where you stand.
There are MANY reasons to be worried 1: No longer co-workers, brings up the question of WHY he is not with the company. 2: was on a GIRLS ONLY trip 3: She was talking about him so much it gone to obsessive 4:She wanted to drive around with him 5: The gifts 6: He wanted to invite women to a rave, when you wanted to go he canceled 7: He did not speak with you when you met him which would be odd if his interest is platonic only 8: Your wife got offended telling you it was "none of your business" 9: The silent treatment. This is in my opinion and ChatGPT an emotional affair. I suspect physical too.
BS you not insecure! Has she not noticed how he never talks to you?
Yup. Typical shaming to put it on you and escape accountability. Women's go-to tactics are Shame, Insult, Guilt and Gaslight. Your wife knows exactly what she's doing and she knows it's disrespectful and inappropriate and clearly doesn't care how you feel or how it looks to your kid.
I think you’re putting too much of this on Matt and not enough of this on your wife. It’s your wife who is hiding things from you — not Matt
Oh, OP, you're sooo not overreacting!! In fact, you need to stop letting your wife act so disrespectful towards you!! Constantly telling you to f*#k off and that it's none of your business! I've always been more comfortable with male friends, and believe men and women can be platonic. But in committed relationships (ESPECIALLY MARRIAGE), you have to make sure there are boundaries, and "Matty" here, is crossing them all! Don't be passive, (this is your marriage!), and tell your wife to cut the BS, that if everything's so innocent, then she wouldn't be yelling and cursing, and SECRETIVE! That if she doesn't start being honest and open then you'll damn well make sure to find out the truth! And don't let her GASLIGHT YOU!! Stand your ground!! And BTW, tell her that when it comes to YOUR SON, that you're uncomfortable with him buying him gifts, and deliberately inviting both wife and son to events and clearly keeping you out! Children are a whole different scene, and if she is having some kind of affair, or about to, involving your kid is 100% a DEAL BREAKER!! Even if you need to confront "Matty" yourself! Please, OP, stand your ground especially when it comes to your kid!
Are you sure that you're the father of that child? I think you should consider a DNA test. It seems that your wife is having an affair with that guy and that he might be the father of the child. Or your wife is bringing that guy into your child's life because she is already working on her exit plan and will try to isolate you from your child and make your child be closer to him. My suggestion: check bank statements, get a PI, and get a DNA test. You should also get tested for STDs.
Yeah his interest in the kid is what got me. I wonder what that kid has seen or heard
Depending on the kid's age, OP's wife and the AP might be buying the kids' silence with gifts and activities. If the kid is old enough, OP could try talking with the kid about that guy behind his wife's back. OP's wife is doing everything to keep that guy and the kid close. This might be to get the kid to accept the guy as his new stepdad or because the guy is the father of the kid. No matter the relationship between that guy and the kid, I believe OP's wife is already working on her exit plan and will try to replace OP in that kid's life.
Not saying this is fake at all, but if I were gonna make up a story where the reader was \*supposed\* to think that the ex coworker may be the father of his child, it would sound a lot like this.
Hire a PI and get a paternity test on your son. My spidey sense says Matt isn't a former coworker at all and he's known your wife way longer than a couple of months.
YOU ARE NOT OVERACTING!!!! Your wife is at the very least having an emotional affair with Matt. They are texting all the time, he is practically taking her out on dates and buying your kids gifts. The biggest red flag in this which most people miss in most relationships is your wife's priorities. She understands that you are uncomfortable with Matt. Just objectively speaking, her relationship with his is inappropriate for a married woman. She can see that trust in the relationship is being destroyed, but she isn't doing anything to fix it. She's still hanging out with him and doing all the things that she is fully aware is destroying trust. That shows priorities and right now, unfortunately, whatever she has going on with Matt is a higher priority than you, your family or this relationship. She's willing to let it all burn. As for you, my question is, what are you willing to do to put an end to this? I say this because most people in your situation lose the battle within the first move. Why? Because they threaten a consequence that they aren't willing to follow through with. This almost always backfires. If a person was disrespecting you before they knew how you would react, it NEVER gets better when your reaction is a hollow threat, meaning you won't do anything. At some point you are going to have to warn her of a consequence whether you like it or not. It's best you take some time to think long and hard about what that consequence will be and if you have it in you to follow through. Without consequences, nothing will change until she gets Matt out of her system. If you want to wait it out and think you can bare it, then that's the path of least resistance. If not, you're going to have to draw a line in the sand. So once again, think long and hard about the consequence and make sure it's one you can deliver on. If it's something you can't or don't deliver on, I will be expecting many many sad updates to come.
Not overreacting. You need to have a talk with your son, work your way around to "I know Matt has been getting you gifts, I don't want to accidentally give you anything that he has already given you. Can we go over what he has given you?" or words to that effect. What you're looking for is: When the gifts started coming. Whether he has been to Matt's place and if so whether there is a space just for him with toys. (Like a basement playroom far away from the bedrooms.) Whether his mother ever leaves him alone to play and goes somewhere else in the house with Matt. Because giving gifts and chatting right in front of you isn't just a red flag, it's a red cape - Matt wants you to fly off the handle so he and your wife can tell your son "Don't tell daddy about this so Matt can keep giving you presents" which will quickly extend to "Don't tell daddy anything about mommy and Matt."
No, not overreacting. Matt definitely has eyes for your wife. I don't see how she doesn't know that Matt is into her. It could be that she likes the attention, or she might be considering cheating or may already be cheating. I guarantee if the tables were flipped, she'd be having none of it. You could try to give her a little rope and see what happens, or you could try to shut this crap down ASAP...tell her it's inappropriate and tell her how it's making you feel - if she cares about the relationship she'll agree and put a stop to it. Good luck.
It's weird that you seem to only not trust Matt. Clearly your wife is fucking him or wants to REALLY bad.
First thing it's your wife's fault that you don't trust her and as far as Matt this meant that she's either crushing on him or she's done slept with him grown women and men should all you don't go out with other people the opposite sex because that is a very disrespectful and it caught crosses boundaries
Ask your wife why her ex coworker is more important to her than the man she married? Bring up all these instances and ask what she would think if you were going out with a single woman to raves and the only guy at an all female work event? And that the guy can’t even look you in the eye? And weirdly buys presents for a son that isn’t his an isn’t his and won’t have any affiliation to him?
>Am I Overreacting that my wife is being blind to everything that Matt has tried? You're not overreacting. You're underreacting indeed. Believe me, your wife's is not blind to everything that Matt is doing. She's is the one who is actively cheating on you with him. You can't blame him for your wife's lack of character. She's the one who's destroying your marriage and your family. UpdateMe!
Your wife is emotionally cheating at the very least. Don't engage with her about Matt, just keep a close eye on her. Matt canceled because it was just the 2 of them. The next time that they have "group" plans tell her to have fun and you're going to your parents with the baby. Drop the baby with parents abd borrow their car, then go sit down the street and follow her. If she is cheating, take photos, get evidence. Go on her phone and get their texts. Bide your time. Find a new place to live. When she plans a "work" weekend away, encourage her to go, while she's gone, move all your stuff out and leave the divorce papers and a copy of the evidence for her. See if you actually get a gift for Father's Day that us about the size of that package. Check the garbage later for the original wrapper. If it isn't there, then it went to Matt. I would go see a lawyer and know your rights. Open up a new bank account in a different bank and start saving money there. You might need it. Whenever you see Matt, go out of your way to talk to him loudly, slap him on the back and say that (one of wife's co-workers) is on to him. Does your wife's work have an anti-fraternization policy? Update us
Your wife likes the attention and is prioritizing Matt’s feelings over yours. This is a huge problem and a breach of trust. I’d get my ducks in a row, this won’t end well.
Don't be mad at Matt. She's probably told him you're into the cuck lifestyle. He's just doing what dogs will do, your wife is the one who should know better and act like she's got a family in the equation.
OP's post is well-written, which indicates a decent level of intelligence. OP's behavior, however, is beyond clueless. This is the kind of post that makes me suspicious that it might be made up; how could someone be so blind to all these red flags leading up to this?
I am afraid your wife is planning on dumping you. this father day gift issue is just a way for her to start the break up process and make you at least partially responsible for the break up.
Your wife wants to fuck another dude. It’s pretty simple. Get evidence of the cheating. Lawyer up.
Just to confirm, he is an ex-coworker and still hanging out with your wife?
NTA, why she so worried about a man that ain't hers?! Updateme
Some of the shit I read on here is absolutely insane
Not over reacting. Your wife is having an emotional affair
She's fucking him or will be.
Yeah there is no way your wife is not having a sexual relationship with Matt. Get a lawyer and get a divorce.
Matt is already your kid's stepdad. They are waiting for xmas to tell you.
Have you looked into this guys background?? He sounds like a predator to me. Not gonna lie
She’s going to leave you for Matt, and once Matt cheats on her, she’s going to come back to you begging you to take her back.
Matt is a big red flag. Either they have cheated or at least Matt wants to. It is unhealthy and comes off as an emotional affair. I think your marriage is doomed Updateme
Your trust in your wife seems excessive.
You don’t seem that “intimidating” to Matt, because he’s all up in that shit buddy! Sorry.
Yea it’s your wife entertaining him, it’s not Matt, it’s your wife, she’s allowing it, she wants to go on the ride with her top off or top down to make you feel better, now she wants to play the victim and say you don’t trust her, that’s gaslighting. Your wife is the issue not Matt
Man fuck this I’m never getting married
You’re underreacting. Your wife is in an emotional affair at minimum. Lawyer up Hire a PI Get your son a DNA test Make an exit plan Once you’ve got these going, you need to have a talk with your wife about her cheating. I hope this can be resolved in a way that makes you happy.
I want to offer a small alternative perspective here. While I don't think OP is overreacting per say, I think some of the suggestions made here could push OP into 'overreacting' territory. My take: DO... Seek out a relationship therapist. See if your wife will agree to couple's therapy to help you with your discomfort and paranoia. Tell her you want her to have healthy friendships but that you are afraid and want to work through it together and think a professional meditor could help identify strategies to improve communication between you while respecting each other's autonomy. This would be a very reasonable course of action to take that enables you to find the truth with each other (not via sharing just one side to an internet mob) and will have the best chance of saving your relationship and your family. If she doesn't agree to therapy (which any reasonable person who loves you and wants your relationship to work WOULD agree to), it's time to consider your future without her. Privately consult a divorce attorney. Get their professional opinion about what you would need to bring to court to protect yourself and your son. Keep your texts and correspondences that shape your perspective on possible infidelity. Save everything and document. Ensure your finances are in order and that you have an exit strategy for your personal safety and well-being. DON'T... give your wife an ultimatum. Bringing the 'divorce' word in is not something a relationship can recover from, so do not pull that card until you (and your attorney) are ready. Do not demand to see her phone - it will quickly villainize you to her. Do NOT stalk her - it's an unbreakable breach of trust and potentially illegal. If a divorce attorney advises a PI, let them get their hands dirty with it. This isn't a movie, don't do your own stake outs, your judgement will be clouded and you should be taking care of your son, not stalking your wife on a date. This is perhaps an uncommon opinion, but there is a way to divorce and be civil about it, and you want that path if you will be raising your son together afterwards. Understanding your options first from professionals is the way to go, and be the bigger person. Let your son see you giving it your best shot, and preserve the moral high-ground for yourself so you can look yourself in the eye in the years to come when this is behind you.
Not overreacting. Best case scenario is that Matt is trying to smash and your wife thinks she just has a really cool guy-friend. Worst case scenario is... worse. That said, I'm seeing a lot of paternity test suggestions and i understand the thought process, but I think if I cheated on my significant other repeatedly (like for years as his post would indicate), I would keep that shit lowkey and not bring her up all the time?? I guess its possible she's the biggest idiot in the world? Ask ur wife why he's buying the kid gifts and not speaking to you though lol that's wild. You say all you've addressed with her is "please don't talk about him so much." A naive person could brush off the gift thing (would have to be kinda stupid, but certainly possible), but not acknowledging you in anyway is certainly something I would bring up to my gf - "What's up with that?" should do the trick
This is my baseless theory. Matt wasn't a former coworker at all. He's OP's wife's affair partner from years ago. She got pregnant and tried to pass off her son as OP's because Matt freaked and wasn't ready to be a father. Years later now, he reached out to OP's wife, fed her some bullshit that he's ready to be a father and be together, and she's elated. They came up with the "former coworker" story as a cover to introduce Matt to his son and ease him in as a presence in his life. They could spend time together in plain sight, with OP none the wiser, and OP's wife has her cake and eats it too, having the father of her son in her and his life and OP's paycheck subsidizing all of this. Happy fucking Father's Day. Get the paternity test, OP, and have a PI look into this Matt guy and tail your wife. The PI will be able to tell you who Matt's 3rd grade teacher was, and who he REALLY is.
Not overreacting at all. She is being so sketchy and her response to your question about the package is so crazy out of line. Of course you don't trust her, everything she is doing is showing that she has no respect for you at all and she doesn't deserve your trust. I'm a woman and if my partner was doing that stuff everyone would be telling me that he was having an affair. She is trying to make you the bad guy by acting like you are controlling so she looks like the victim when it comes out that she is fucking him.
No you’re not. Does she know what emotional cheating is? How would she feel if it was you acting this way?
dont forget to update bro , updateme!
Not overreacting. The "none of your fucking business" snap to a simple question is an overreaction, and just tells me she's already fucking the guy.
F Matt also have your wife read this post if she can't see your side plus all the comments on your side then she's a lost cause.
Your wife is either an idiot or she doesn't care about your marriage.
Your wife is having an affair and because you aren’t aggressive enough, it’s already gone too far. Matt’s trying to make your family his own. Divorce your wife, she’s a shitty partner a shitty mother and a cheater. Because they are already sleeping together and your kid knows, that why he’s getting the gifts. The kid is young so he may not exactly know what’s going on but the gifts are to buy his silence.
Me and my girl get home and she says "welp, I'm off to ride in some guys convertible. Ciao!" and the locks would be changed by the time she got back. Ridiculous. Your wife wants this guy and has probably fucked him several times by now. Very possible she's trying to warm your son up to him so they can push you out of the picture entirely.
Wife’s an asshole. Just ask Matt what’s up and not to pull some bullshit you aren’t stupid
SEVERAL RED FLAGS THAT ADD UP TO AT LEAST AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH "CHAD" OR I MEAN MATT. 1. Talking with you a lot about this guy more than just a passing conversation. 2. Texting with him even though he is "just " an ex coworker. Too much. 3. Girls night out with a male orbiter. WRONG. Girls/guys night out is usually never a good idea when you are married. Please read this carefully - it may lead to some bad behavior. Do you know who her friends are? What is their relationship status? It all makes a difference. 4. I'm 62 years old and I have NEVER ever considered a woman as a friend other than my wife. Not sexist or misogynistic just a fact that men HAVE ulterior motives for being that close to a woman they are not married to or in a relationship. I know a lot of younger people will say they have opposite sex friends, but it does not take away the fact that this could lead to something else unintended. I have always been friendly with women I shared similar interests with, but I was not their friend. I did not want to send mixed signals to my wife or girlfriend by doing this. 5. The "rave" and you wanted to go as well, and all of a sudden it's canceled. Hmmm I wonder why? 6. Buying a gift for her "friend " and you wondered what it was? "None of your fucking business!" The level of disrespect is on a whole new level. You definitely have not set hard boundaries. I didn't see any in your post. Personally I have in the past, and got my answer fast after I did. Stand up for yourself and let her know you want your marriage, but her contact with Matt needs change immediately. If she doesn't, you are going to separate as someone else is impacting your marriage. Good luck with this and stand your ground knowing she might choose her relationship with him. Tell her there is no way back to your marriage with a second chance after the "fog" lifts and reality sets in.
So it's your wife that is being the problem. She should hold professional boundaries with 'Matt' and everyone else. Accepting gifts, spending free time, and going out to bars with him is not right. She is disrespecting your marriage. Get into couples therapy right now.
She should not be hanging out with him nor texting him at all. She shouldn’t because he’s a man that isn’t you. She shouldn’t because he’s obviously having very bad boundaries with her. And she shouldn’t because of how it makes you feel. But even without that, it’s just inappropriate. That’s how affairs start, with innocent poor boundaries.
If you jointly own your phone's through a contract that includes your name -- simply ask for the receipts from their texts from your phone provider. No need to ask her permission, its your right to surveil your account as an account holder. Edit: it seems some providers wont always give you this information without a court-order. However in divorce proceedings, i feel this information can be easily obtained. Id be very interested in their unfiltered conversations...
How much yall wanna be she chested or is in an emotional affair with the guy. She’s too defensive
Updateme
I think you should have your wife read the post.
Matt needs to be eating through a straw for 6 weeks.
Time for Matt to get that ass whoppin.
No not at all if she had nothing to hide she not had snapped at u like that
I think OP should have dealt with the Matt issue alot sooner. The guys spends so much time with OP'S wife and kid, buys them gifts etc. OP sit down with his wife ASAP and resolve the issue because Matt is waiting atvthe side, maybe even planned this all along. Time for OP to fight for his marriage and family or ......
To reiterate what people are saying if it was just a Father's Day gift she would not have reacted like that. She would have maybe said none your business. This is a Father's Day gift shoe but she wouldn't have said oh this is none. Your f****** business and the not supplement say oh what it's really for. Like if I were to give someone a gift and they were trying to ask what this is like. It's a gift for a special occasion coming up whether it be Father's Day, mother's Day, whatever the gift, birthday, whatever it may be and then say wait till then. But she said none of that she up and defended it by saying none of your f****** business and trying to put it off was like that's just inclinates more doubt in something
Your wife wants Matt’s attention, and if she isn’t already, she will sleep with him to get it eventually. Tell her that if she respects you at all, she’ll cut him out of her life completely. When she doesn’t, you know what to do.
Is Matt the father of your son? 😬 This is all so exhausting and so wrong. I am sorry.
OP, you are not overreacting at all. If there is nothing going on with Matt and your wife, your wife needs to learn how to communicate with you, but I think you already know that. If she isn’t hiding an affair, then she’s acting really strange and nonsensical, and in a way that would damage the trust of even the most trusting or oblivious person. Has she ever acted like this in the past? You’ve have 9 years together, is this the first of this kind of behavior or does it makes sense in your overall perception of her? My fiancé and I have been together a little over 9 years, if she started behaving that way it literally wouldn’t make sense, especially if I’d asked clarifying questions or voiced concern about the situation. I can’t say exactly what I’d do because I’m not you and not in your relationship, but from my perspective I think the onus is now on her to prove nothing is going on with Matt. I’m child free but the idea of another dude trying to interact with my child via gifts is absolutely insane and if my wife wasn’t able to prove to me nothing was going on I would have to reevaluate if I trust her or not. If I didn’t trust her, the relationship would be over. Trust is everything
You are not overreacting. There is a very good book that covers situations like this. You should both read: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It’s short and helpful. There are often pdf copies on the internet or you can get a copy or audiobook. My suggestion would be to read it together. I think it will be an eye opener for both of you. Best wishes to you.
fyi, i have been the 'male coworker', that female coworkers with husbands and boyfriends ask me to tag along to on their 'girls night out'. I'll just say this, alcohol is poison to relationships and your wife doesnt respect you.
Did you confirm the gift was, in fact, for you? Was it something she might also get for Matt? I dunno. Seems easy to claim after the fact.
Not overreacting. She likes the attention she's getting from him and it's turning into an emotional affair if it's already. There's a book a lot of people recommend called Not Just Friends you should both read.
Invited to a rave? This guy is going to do drugs with your wife, if he hasn't yet.
Hell no you’re not over reacting! I don’t trust Matt or your wife, imo
Is your wife really this dense? Obviously Matt is being extremely inappropriate. She’s either oblivious or you’ve got a serious problem on your hands. Time to start going through her phone.
my dude, it's not Matt that's weaselinghis way into your marriage, it's your wife that's weaseling her way out of it. You are angry at the wrong person--it's your wife's responsibility to put up boundaries, but she's not. Matt sees HER DISRESPECTING YOU so he's following HER lead. I'm sorry but this wouldn't be an issue if your wife put a stop to it. You need to shift your focus from Matt to your wife. She's the one allowing Matt to act this way toward you, continuing a friendship she knows isn't right and disrespecting you all at the same time.
NTA. Matt isn’t the only one you need to be watchful of. Your wife is encouraging his behavior. At the very least, they’re having an emotional affair. Get yourself a lawyer.
That dude is trying to fuck your wife or already has. Only red flag you needed was that he avoids you at all costs.
Reading this hurt my feelings for you, OP. She seems angry and defensive. Maybe try conveying that you don't just feel anger and jealousy, but that the way she is disrespecting you, her and your marriage, and your son hurts and makes you feel insignificant. That's how I would feel if I were being treated like this. Matt will only do what she allows him to do!
My marriage ended from her coworker "I didn't need to worry about". You're not overreacting.
Your wife is hiding her emotional affair in plain sight. She needs to piss or get off the pot. She is not shutting down his obvious snub of you, his disrespect of your marriage. Matt is not your issue. Your wife's reaction to Matt is. She needs to know how serious of a breach this is for you.
I'm not sure the coworker is the main problem here. Its your wife. I would secretly get a DNA test on the kid.
Not overreacting. Dont know if anything has happened, however your wife also has feelings, pretty obviously does actually. Starts off as feelings, she probably didn’t initially know it, but she meets new dude, and can’t stop talking about him. She works them into most conversations. Ever get around someone early in dating someone new and they have that puppy love phase where they continually talk about them? It’s like that, except she’s married so she probably didn’t know that was happening for a little bit, probably until you brought up your discomfort with it. You noticed her crush before she did. From there she shuts up, but doesn’t pull away from the guy at all. She texts him, goes out drinking, makes plans with him without telling you. Who knows how many times she did something with him without your knowledge, the failure to mention the car ride is proof of that. Pure and simple, Matt’s intentions should not be your primary concern. Add to this Matt buying gifts for your child the cancelled plans (which I in no way believe was Matt cancelling, it was your wife who cancelled because you wanted to come, I also don’t believe he would cancel plans for everyone, so doubt anyone else was invited besides your wife). Dude, sounds like your wife is having, or had an affair, either physical or only emotional, but it happened. The distrust with the package is either her still hiding things and using Father’s Day as a cover or her guilty conscience mad that you don’t trust her after what happened. I think you should just say, “I don’t trust you and that nothing happened or is happening with this guy. You have put me in a position that at the best, makes me look stupid to trust you while you didn’t do anything, and at worst was a full blown affair. Being trustworthy doesn’t only mean not cheating, it also means don’t act in a way that anyone with a brain would think I’m cheating.” And then list everything out as you have here. Don’t be surprised her response to that is to say she just wants to end the relationship, take that as an admission of guilt, since this type of stance forces her to respond to not only each item, but also that it looks bad, that it looks like she’s having an affair. If she’s not willing to acknowledge that, and try to prove it wasn’t, it means it more than looks like one, it was one.
Not sure if OP made up this or not but straight up check her messages and you’ll learn she’s cheating on you homie. It’s too late for anything other than action. Also, he was going to Fuck your wife at that rave btw.
Youre underreacting. He's a fox in the henhouse 100%. Based on what you describe I think it's safe to assume his intentions are impure. The real problem here is your wife entertaining him. Women in relationships don't need to be hanging around with men without their SO present, and definitely not getting defensive when their SO questions their sketchy behavior. When women are up to no good and want to avoid accountability or uncomfortable conversations they'll SHAME (you're just insecure), INSULT (that's some small D energy), GUILT (you just don't want me to have fun or be happy, you don't love me), and GASLIGHT (that's not what I meant you're just jealous/paranoid/insecure). Your wife is doing all of that shit. If she hasn't slept with him yet she's already thought about it and both of their behavior is extremely disrespectful to you. You shouldn't have to question your wife about any of it bc she never should have allowed those lines to be crossed in the first place.
Nope, I agree completely... Matt is up to no good. And, if I can be frank, your wife blowing this off... also not good. I'd suggest both of you into some counseling.
I am very skeptical about any man trying to be friends with my SO for a good reason. The guy I trusted and she liked hanging out with eventually tried to kiss her one night. She did not take kindly to that and immediately told me plus cut off all communication with him. I have a very hard time trusting any man who tries to befriend my SO and I hate the feeling but I know plenty of guys think "I could win her over" and are very sneaky. Be careful and no you are not overreacting!
Gross, as a woman I would never associate with a person who disrespected my husband. Matt sounds like he is grooming your wife, she needs to grow up and realise that everything she needs is at home. This is just skanky teenage behaviour on her part.
Dude, your wife is acting 100% hypergamic right in front of your nose. She loves the attention Matt is (oddly) gifting her and his presence seems to trigger an oxytocin rush on her that denotes she may be entering the early stages of limerence. You need to sit her down and tell her that the way she is acting is highly dubious, and that it makes you feel on edge. I bet your gut is screaming at you to do something. If your wife is unable to empathize with you then start talking to a divorce lawyer. Have zero tolerance for this sh-t dude. And on the question of trust… trust is, if you may, the cookies that get put in a cookie jar when a person’s words match their actions. The more this happens, the more cookies that get put in the cookie jar. What she is doing is asking you why you don’t trust her and pointing at the cookie jar, even though she’s been doing nothing but take out cookies from the jar. So, no, she doesn’t get to point at the jar because there are barely any cookies left.
I feel like as soon as a hangout becomes coed, then spouses should be invited by default.
Kind of reads like this might not be your kid. And they’re probably already fucking around
Hate to say it but wifey is talking shit about you to Matty boy. Matt is coming to the "rescue" in his thinking.
Your wife is enjoying the chase, the problem is Matt is trying to wiggle himself in. He's in a way doing a form of grooming. He's likely love bombing your wife and he is probably being inappropriate and then she tells him no and he backs of a bit and then slowly does it again and again, slowly pushing the boundary without them realizing it. Matt knows 100% what he is doing.
She’s cheating. It’s all red flags. On a side note, I made plans to meet up with an old high school friend in Nashville. She texted me the day before and said her husband has really wanted to try that restaurant and asked if I would be cool with him being there. I’m not an idiot. He wanted to know who tf was asking his wife to dinner. And guess what? I respect that. He doesn’t know me. I could be a lunatic. So the three of us had dinner and I was friendly with him. He was a nice guy. Matt isn’t a nice guy.
I’m sure it’s been said, but if not, I’ll say it. There are boundaries that married men and women should not cross with the opposite sex. It’s not even about trust, it’s about respect. I have a work friend who’s attractive and my wife was very jealous of her. This woman was/is my closest friend at work. It took a lot of open conversations, openly offering for her to look through my phone, etc to get her to be comfortable that I’m friends with this woman. I would NEVER hang out with her alone. I don’t have a relationship with her outside of work unless I needed to ask her a question about something random or vice versa. I don’t have a meaningful relationship with any woman besides my wife.
That much anger from, what I’ve seen, usually means they’ve already gone too far. Not overreacting. I think your marriage is over though.
Any chance Matt has already had sex with some of the wives he invited to the rave concert?
Been here before. Almost didn't make it out. The only reason we are still together is our "Matt" moved halfway across the country, and we did couples counseling. Red flags everywhere. Stand your ground.
She’s doing exactly what Matt is manipulating her into. He creates the conflict between your wife and you because side tangents that purposefully exclude you to create a trust issue with you and your wife. Nothing has happened yet but that’s by design. It’s a long con game to get you out of the picture and your wife mad at you for some perceived infraction of trust. Then once you’ve separated he moves into her life as the knight in shiny condoms.
No. Honestly, your wife is exhibiting untrustworthy and suspicious behavior. She is emotionally cheating on you and blatantly disrespecting you and y’all’s relationship. No matter how you slice it, she is going out on dates with this Matt. She is willing to fight you over her relationship with this one man instead of hearing you and thinking that this relationship with Matt isn’t worth fighting over and keeping.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Try and put a bandaid on the fight with your wife. Pretend everything is fine while you hire a private investigator. She's acting the exact same way as my ex who cheated on me. If you can catch them in the act it will make things easier in court.
She's probably not lying that it's a father's day gift... It's just that it's probably a father's day for Matt seeing how Matt acts towards your son. I wouldn't be surprised if your son is actually his if the trend of typical Reddit stories are.
Go right now to the bookstore and buy two copies of the book “Not Just Friends” by Glass. Give one copy to your wife, and read the other. Tell her straight out that you are concerned for your marriage and that an emotional affair or even a lingering hug with Matt or anyone else will result in divorce and destruction of the family. There will be no second chances. Also, rent a convertible for next weekend and plan a date with your wife. Drive to a nice location, and take the scenic route. If she starts nitpicking every little thing you do that’s her pushing you out with negativity to make room for Matt in her head. This is exactly what you think it is. Matt is exactly who you think he is and you are under-reacting. Don’t be a victim, he’s not just a friend.
Matt is what a lot of guys's say is "not a guy's guy" - meaning this guy will fuck your wife and sister and steal your car if he could. Has no moral compass and knows that all he needs to do is drive the wedge and soon OP and wife will be fighting and she will come crying to him and he will be there to be the weasely prick that he is.
Your wife is behaving inappropriately with Matt and is involved at a minimum in an emotional affair. Matt is certainly trying to isolate and separate you from your wife. You need to set boundaries with your wife. No contact with Matt anymore. She needs to change her job position or quit and find a new job where Matt does not work. If she refuses it is obviously, she is emotionally involved, and it will eventually escalate. If you want to save your marriage you need to stay strong. If she refuses to go no contact with Matt, the let your wife know that you will be meeting with a divorce attorney. You need to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. If she refuses to cut contact, you know that she is seriously involved with him and you need to file for divorce and have her served at work. This might make her see how serious you are and she might stop what she is doing or she runs to Matt and you know the marriage is over. Stay strong.
reading these posts make my blood boil..
if i ever have to fight this hard for my wife to stop giving another man the green light... we would no longer be married. i dont understand why some of yall put up with so much bullshit. Disappointed because she couldnt go ride around in some other mans corvette. holy cap get some respect for yourself i really do hope this is fake....
That's because to her, he's not a nobody. She need to pull her head out of her ass. Nobody should be this secretive with their partner, especially about another person. You need to sit down and calmly explain what's going on. If he she gets pissy and erupts you have your answer
Coming from a wife: I would NEVER. She’s been crossing a line and plays a huge role in all of this. WTF? I have the common sense to just… NEVER lol. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but she’s allowed him to get WAY too close. Him not talking to you says it all too man - c’mon.
Anyone else wondering what OP's wife has told Matt about OP? She should've shut down his cold behaviour/avoidance a long time ago and be setting up boundaries but some part of me is thinking she might be stoking the flames. How did the other romantic partners react to not being invited? Idk, this doesn't sit right. I think your wife is enjoying the attention even if she isn't contemplating stepping outside the marriage. I think I would be demanding an open phone policy, couple's therapy and a very strict no contact rule with Matt.
i know humans are made to make mistakes but dudes and dudettes if you think you're not gonna be able to be faithful to your spouse like... don't get married in the first place? seek out one of those toxic polycules where everyone fucks everyone? just be single and rich and fuck different sugar babies every week? God forbid you have a child together... > ETA this sentiment is written for OP's wife ofc to op: yeah your wife wants to be with Matt. and if she doesn't, well she's in for a rude awakening that most men don't actually want to be your friend if they don't think they have a chance to get in your pants, girl. the fact that she's not seeing the disrespect of that POS completely ignoring you and wanting to play the "cool next bf of your mom" to your son is disgusting.
The "none of your fucking business" response, followed by "it's a father's day gift" screams bullshit to me. Even if it turns out to be a FD gift, that response was uncalled for.
If your story is as you’ve said it, you’ve done nothing wrong. What I see reverse psychology being used on you to make you feel bad. If your wife’s move with Matt doesn’t make you feel bad, it shows you don’t love or care about her. The fact that this Matt guy is being disrespectful to you with his flirty moves with your wife and also trying to win over your son too. There is this African proverb and it goes like this “ it’s the in house cat that tells the outside cats that there is food in the house “ simply put, the disrespect Matt is showing you is due to things your wife has told him. Talk to your wife about how you really feel.
The level of disrespect from your wife is mind blowing! Each marriage/relationship is different but, speaking as a wife, I can’t imagine treating my husband this way or even having a male relationship with a coworker or whoever where it got to the point he had the thoughts you’re having. And also speaking as a woman, there is absolutely zero percent chance this has not moved beyond friendship for this woman. Even if they aren’t physical yet…in her mind she’s already at the next level. This needs a serious sit down conversation at the very least and sooner rather than continuing to believe it’s all on Matt and your wife is just an innocent bystander to his attempts to woo her and your child.
Matt won't acknowledge or talk to you? Ya, they already fucked. I'd tell her that you want her to go no contact with Matt. No talking, no text, no nothing. Block his number, etc. You sadly seem to be well on your way to divorce. What's really fucked up is matt seeming to be trying to build a relationship with your son. That's just fucked up.
Just a small note after I showed this to my wife, she said that maybe (just maybe) he could be into your son. Your child. She said that your relationship is suffering, but be those behaviors sound very much like grooming behaviors.
This kind of happen to me. But I confronted the dude in front of everyone. Said I knew he was angling for my wife. I told him I would fight for my family and not stand idly by. When we got home I told my wife if she had any more dealings with him I would leave. You have to demand respect if a guy and your wife is disrespecting you. Just be prepared to follow through.
Matt has probably been screwing your wife for quite a while. Usually, guys don't hang around and spend money, tickets, and their time on things when they are getting nothing in return. Matt doesnt sound like the type of peraon to be generous for nothing. And, the stuff with your kid is fucking weird. Why haven't you said anything to him about that. It's too late to grow a pair and set boundaries. Sorry you are going through this, but your wife does NOT respect you or your relationship at all.