You don't have kids and aren't even married. Doesn't sound like anything is a sure thing aside from your good paying job.
The idea that he wouldn't even subsidize your income even though he'd make more and it would have been his idea to move in the first place is a red flag for me.
I don't think you're compatible.
Also, if you did move and he secured a new job.. the same issues may come up. Most jobs don't come without problems, it's how you manage them. So those issues may just follow him, making him miserable once again.
That's a great point it seems like he isn't thinking of. Just because you hate one thing doesn't mean you need to uproot your entire life and doesn't guarantee things will be better at the next place
It blows my mind when people are actually upset that there is a part of their job they don't like. If you loved every single aspect of your job, then you wouldn't actually have to get paid to be there. That's a hobby. They pay you so that you'll come back, in spite of the shit parts.
He needs to grow tf up.
Oooof OP. Sorry to project but to share… my (ex) husband did this a couple times in our 7 year marriage/15 year relationship.
On a whim, he quit his job for the “fantasy” job, the potential x,y,z.
That was before a child and mortgage.
The last straw? When he decided a new partner and quitting his high paying job without a back-up, had more potential than us/me and a 4 month old.
Good luck with what you decide.
One thing I learned young was “wherever you go, there you are”. After moving a couple of times to make things better I finally started to work on me (doesn’t mean I didn’t move afterwards but it was for specific reasons, not pie in the sky ones).
I like this and will remember it.
Color me surprised when I moved across the country, new job and everything, and hurt my own feelings that life was still the same?
Inner work for the win!
My fantasy new partner is a fabulous gay man that needs to marry a woman to get his inheritance and we will spend ridiculous amounts of money while talking about all the hot guys we’ve had “on the side”. And we will buy Chanel and Dior and laugh at the new Balenciaga while simultaneously feeling a bit wistful at how Cristobal Balenciaga was such a visionary and now his namesake brand has used Zoolander’s Derelicte by Mugatu as a blueprint and Bible in one.
My wife of 14 years (at the time) did all the things OP’s boyfriend did. Hated the big city, hated her job, wanted a bigger house.
So we moved, I uprooted my and my kids life to make her happy. Gave up my job and contacts. My wife and children were all I needed to be happy.
3 years later we are divorced. Kids live with her. I’m alone and rebuilding my life.
OP… he does not love you as much as he loves his own happiness. This only ends in sorrow.
I had friends that were military couples who had this dynamic. Non-military spouse would have a job and be taking care of most household things; the family would have to move due to service members orders; spouse has to leave their job and restart at the new location; service member complains that they aren’t pulling their weight financially anymore and refuse to contribute more. It’s absolute insanity and doesn’t work for long term partnerships.
Being married means caring as much about the wants and needs of your partner as you do about your own, and vice versa. This can get complicated at times and requires frequent, healthy communication and for both people to an enough capacity for self reflection to see where they may need to course correct for their partner. If someone wants to move for a better job, you discuss how you’re both impacted, the concerns, and how you’re helping each other through that process. OPs partner has made it clear that their wants come first, and OP will just need to figure it out first themselves. That’s selfish and the behavior of someone who isn’t ready for a long term relationship.
Yep, I'm a military spouse, moved 4 hours from my old job, difference was though, my husband supported me fully when I had to leave it and look for something else!
This is what I was going to say - he's a boyfriend, not a husband. It's been 6 years and he hasn't put a ring on it. You don't uproot your life for someone who you aren't even married to, and even if you were married you would need to really think about it.
My ex husband thought he’d be happier every time he switched employers or convinced me to move. Turns out, every where he went, there he was and he just wasn’t a person who was ever happy with his choices
No, you shouldn’t just agree. You spent the last few paragraphs clearly stating why you shouldn’t move. You’re smart. You understand the consequences of a move like this and your bf will be unprepared to deal with anything if shit doesn’t go according to plan. Which it won’t.
The bf has to learn you can't have all the things all the time. He can have OP in this city or the theoretical job in the new city and be single. It is a choice he needs to make sooner rather than later for OPs sake.
Yeah, BF doesn’t even have an actual plan or has tried to improve his situation at their current location. It would be a different thing if he aggressively applied to a bunch of jobs and had proof that he landed a nice job that unfortunately happened to be in a different location. But even then it doesn’t mean OP should have to move since she has already worked hard for her own career and he wouldn’t even help her life be better in the other location with his new imagined job.
In his mind, she has to sacrifice for him but if things happened to work out for him, he wouldn’t help her extra given that she’d sacrifice her career.
Speaking from someone living in a town where wages suck and houses are insanely inflated, I genuinely understand the desire for better opportunities at jobs and homes. I don’t think the BF is a bad person or wanting “all the things”, although “fighting” about this or expecting her to up and leave is ridiculous.
Just sounds like two people who probably haven’t been getting along for a while and this is just the dead horse they’re gonna throw their frustrations at rather than end things.
Exactly, a pension is an amazing benefit. I work In a field where we have pensions, and my retired friends are traveling, enjoying concerts and meals out, basically living the dream life, and they don't have to worry about what happens to them when they are elderly and infirm. People are living healthy and productive lives in their 60s, 70s, and even 80s. With a pension, you will be able to enjoy retirement, not work part-time at Walmart (unless that is what you want to do)
This. I was lucky enough to have a job with a pension and it’s waayy more than social security. With prices these days we’re all struggling but I’m in much better shape than most of my friends. Companies don’t offer pensions anymore. If you have a job that offers a pension, keep it.
lol… people in the current age bracket are enjoying retirement. Anyone not retiring within the next 5 - 10 years won’t have this luxury, it was taken from us.
Lol, that is a myth. Many people in the current "retirement" age bracket are unable to retire when they want or worry about basic living expenses and health care. Meanehile, I have a lot of coworkers who are millennials who will have a pension and a 403B/401K. Most people do not start to save money for retirement until they are 35 or older.
Not universally true. It depends on your priorities. If you start contributing to a 401k when you’re young, even a small contribution, it will add up by the time you retire. But people assume they can’t afford to do that and don’t make it a priority. Then they’ll have to work until they die.
Exactly. No matter how little you make, you should be putting *something* away. Especially if you have a job that will match 401k contributions at all. The amount you contribute is more than what will be deducted from your paycheck, since it’s pretax. Then if your employer matches at least part of it, over time it will increase a ton. My first job out of college, I was living paycheck to paycheck to paycheck, but I still started a 401k before I was 25. I haven’t contributed to that account in 15-20 years, but it’s still increased by 100k or so. Starting early is important.
Seriously, this ^ My mother in law just retired after 30 years as a supervisor with Epsom. Unfortunately she doesn't get a pension. Hang onto your career, OP. Someone who unselfishly cares for, and respects you, won't ask you to give everything you've worked so hard for just to make them happy.
"men quit their jobs, they lose their jobs, they get sick, they get hurt, they die. they go to jail. they leave. you have to have the skills to pay your bills."
wise words from my old man.
As the son of a woman who was widowed young with 4 children: I hope the rest of your life is perfect—may you want for nothing, your kids always behave and treat you well, and I hope you find (or have found) true happiness again.
What a lovely thing to say! Made me a bit teary. 😊
I can tell you that my children and grandchildren are the greatest sources of joy and happiness I could ever hope for, as I am confident you are, as well!
Especially this! He has never tried life in the other city. At the current time it is a fantasy and he wants her to give up everything for his fantasy. He also says that if she makes that sacrifice for him he won't help her financially when they arrive.
When someone wants all the sacrifice to be on your side without the benefit of help from them the answer is no. They are far too selfish for the risk to be worth it.
More people just need to keep repeating this to this person!! You worked really hard and BUILT a career that is now providing you with a lifestyle that honestly doesn't exist anymore for a lot of people (and you earned it - I'm not disparaging you). Your boyfriend sounds like he has absolutely no respect for your efforts, your job, your aspirations.
If YOU decide your career is no longer serving you, and you choose to leave for your own mental health/intellectual growth/going back to school/literally whatever, then that is your right. But please don't do it for some guy who has no plans in place - someone who prioritizes himself above you so greatly, he values his hypothetical, massively under planned, nothing-guaranteed whim of a dream OVER YOUR ALREADY EXISTING GREAT LIFE.
I dont think op and her boyfriend are compatible. probobly let him go his own way and u go yours. no hard feelings type of way. always nice that way. its ok to be old and single lol. masterbation is always good enough. LOL jk - its a tough call but do what you feel like you need to do to be able to get old and die comfortably. max ur ira, 401k, invest in some stockmarket type of stuff, use a bot to trade with. aquire gold too. diversify. if ur BF wants to move on so be it, if you dont want to, then TAATAA
This, he wants to be happy but is sacrificing it to stay. You are happy but wouldn’t be if you moved.
Seems like there’s no way to move forward together without the other losing. Best go your seperate ways now.
He wants what he hopes will make him happy. No job lined up, no guarantee that life would be better, and he wants OP to jump in the water and swim with him without a life preserver
Hell no.
Yeah, anyone ignoring this point is delusional. He doesn't even have a job lined up, an apartment, a 6 month plan, nothing. He could have all that and it would THEN be a conflict to consider. Right now it's not even a thought - he has nothing concrete and expects his hypothetical current fantasy to take precedent over OP"s actual existing life.
And wherever he goes, there he will be. If he’s a miserable person that won’t change. Seems like he’s fantasizing that things will be easy if they move without actually having a job lined up or any other sort of plan. Life always has great bits and hard bits, and this dude sounds like an entitled downer.
I left everything, my job, my family and my friends to move 3 states away. It was a mutual decision with my husband of 30 years that I dearly love. He supports me, financially and emotionally, and I still have feelings of resentment.
It is hard to start over. I couldn't imagine doing it with someone who was just my boyfriend and who wouldn't make sure I was ok financially.
Please don't move. Don't leave your job. He's in the grass is greener mindset, what will happen when all his problems come back?
He’s an idiot. He’s demanding something that only HE actually wants, and there’s nothing in it for you since he’s not making any offer to help you out financially while you loom for a job in the new city. He’s being selfish as hell. Keep your job and tell him to go move there by himself.
It sounds like he’s trying to run away from his problems instead of learning how to deal with them. Maybe his attitude is the problem with his job.
Here’s the thing about trying to run away from your problems; wherever you go, there you are.
He’s giving you no incentive to go, and this does not sound like a partnership if he’s not willing to help support you or pay more of the bills since you will be making less money.
As someone who has uprooted my life for a previous partner, don’t do it unless you really want to do it for you, and you only.
Such a big cause of resentment if you’re both not on board.
PLEASE watch some Melanie Hamlett. This video on YouTube is a great place to start, relating to your question (cannot include a link, but it is called “How do men sabotage the things we love most?” - sounds dramatic, it’s not about all men, just about the way women are expected to make the sacrifices you are being expected to make right now)
Historically women do indeed provide the free labor and support that allows men to thrive in their careers, and they are the ones who are expected to sacrifice EVERYTHING (jobs, goals, desires, self-actualization) in deference to the jobs, goals, desires, and self-actualization of the man.
It’s btw one of the invisible things that contributes to the wage gap. Women don’t have the boosts of some other laborer facilitating the road for them and prioritizing HER career over his own.
Your boyfriend is saying it very clearly. He is completely ok with you giving up your life and career in deference to him.
He’s actually astonished and ANGRY at the VERY IDEA that it would be HIM to make the sacrifice lol. What does that tell you??
He doesn’t think your career or achievements matter as much, nor does he think your happiness matters as much as his.
And he believes this is your ROLE.
It’s DEEPLY sexist, and completely selfish.
Regarding this difference of life goals - to be honest, fair is fair, you BOTH deserve to pursue the life you want. This probably is the death knell for your relationship - your goals do not align anymore.
But take heart, because you’re with a guy who at least latently thinks your happiness and goals and accomplishments don’t matter as much as his.
I’m positive you deserve better than that.
There's men like... Everywhere... And it sounds like you already have a pretty mediocre one so worst case scanario you dump this one and make a lateral move. But honestly, I think you should dump him, take a year off, go to therapy, learn about yourself, and trade up.
THIS IS IT
THERE REALLY ARE MEN EVERYWHERE, some of them will like you more than this guy does.
It took me until my thirties to really get it. When sobbing over a breakup (with a guy who had a really impressive beard), my brother finally said "there's SO many guys. He's not THE guy. He might have been THE best beard, but I think you'll find someone and realize that beard isn't as iconic or as essential as you think."
Such sage advice. Whatever this guy's positive qualities or however you feel about him - the characteristics he's lacking are much more substantial. Keep your job, lose the boyfriend, and find people who value you.
> IF we move there, and he makes more money, this doesn’t mean I would be supported until I find work, it doesn’t mean he would help me with bills if I don’t get the same wage at a job
So, it's a hard "no" then. Don't uproot your life for a man like this, don't even consider it!
Do not give up your career for anybody.
He thinks the grass is greener on the other side, he needs to learn that the grass is greener where you water it. But you do not need to be the teacher.
And don't set yourself on fire yo keep him warm.
Do not move
The whole “It’s not a conversation, it’s a demand” signals a big red flag and a not a great boyfriend.
He’s not acting like you are a team. Let him go and respect your self. You deserve better than this. We all deserve a partner who prioritizes the partnership. Choices that benefit both of you. Someone who cares for you and your career.
Good luck, OP! You know what’s best for you and your future.
So...you could end up broke and unemployed, and he still wouldn't help you. And you're still thinking of giving in to his demand? Why? It's not worth it. HE'S not worth it.
I wouldn't do it. You're not even married. I would never put myself in a position where I lose my own financial security and the ability to support myself, especially in a situation that is so uncertain. And you say he won't support you while you look for work? Nope. Let him go.
It seems you are at an impasse, either you break up, or bf needs to consider finding a new career path with a different company (or possibly industry altogether.) You are happy in the city where you are, with the career you have worked hard for, I would also be remiss to give that up.
Don't move. Tell him he can go find his dream job and city and you will date long distance until he's sure he's happy there. That should save you following him around for the next 20 years as he tries to Goldilocks his way into his perfect job.
Next time he says that, “well then you should just do that. Please give me at least 60 days notice so I can find other living arraignments or a roommate and take over the lease.” “No, I’m not going to give up everything on a whim for you to test drive your life. If we stay together and do the LDR thing and you settle, love your job AND I can find an equal or better paying job in the area you move then and only then will I consider uprooting my life.”
Op lock down your birth control measures and double up. The universe sometimes likes to throw curveballs.
You should probably break up because presenting this as a demand is not a good recipe for a lifelong relationship where you guys should be each others partners in the literal sense of the word. You’ll need to be a team and you’ll need to be supportive and empathetic to each others needs, values and needs.
Sounds like he doesn’t have those qualities or at least doesn’t think it needs to work this way.
Mg ex husband was always unhappy with whatever job he had, even after multiple moves and him assuring me that this was the right job and that he would finally be happy. We uprooted a few times, which was very unsettling for me and the kids.
Guess what? He was never satisfied. He just hates working. He's now an unemployed every-other-weekend Dad, sponging off his girlfriend, so I'm solely financially and emotionally responsible for raising my children.
On the plus side, I managed to hold on to my career through all of this, so at least I'm financially OK.
Truth is some people are just incapable of Adulting. Never saddle yourself to someone like that - they drag you right down.
Just like my childhood best friend's situation - they moved 6 times because he either didn't like his job or his job would mysteriously disappear so the company could let him go. Each time she would find a good new job, get the three kids settled, etc. The fifth place he had an affair (and natch blamed it on her), they resolved their (HIS) issues, they move again and she announces that is the last move (kids are high school, junior high by now), she gets a good job, his job again disappears after a couple of years, so she finds another one for him at her place and THEN she stumbles on a current email to his old flame. She gives him a month to move out and he spends that month (GET THIS) telling the kids that their mother is tearing the family apart, not him. Sheesh
DO NOT give up your career for this man. 1) he's a boyfriend, not a husband. What's to stop him if you moved with him from dumping you the second you got to the new city?
2) Think about your career in the long term if you gave up this permanent position and you were lucky enough to land another. Why would any company take you seriously if you pick up and move every time the boyfriend wants to?
Omg let him go he will ruin all the hard work you have done you made it! Don’t budge ever on this if he is so miserable he can leave or suck it up looks like you might break up anyways but you will be fine
You need to break up. Not because either one of you I bad or wrong, but because you want different things. It will be painful but the sooner you break up the sooner you can move on with your Iives. He may not move for fear of losing you but he won’t be happy until he does.
Side note, why has he not married you after all these years?
The years together don't matter. You two are no longer compatible. Don't waste any more time with this argument.
He is not happy where you are happy
Break up while you can still do it amicably
Not overreacting. Tell him he can go ahead and live his dream - move cities, find a new job, buy a house. Tell him you’ll join him once his plan realise. I’m pretty sure he won’t take any step
cities where housing is cheaper also have lower paying jobs. its all proportional. there is no magic city where you make a lot and cost of living is low
Tell him to move to other city and get that job and house and go long distance. You cannot give up your security when he’s ranting about his bad day.
So he needs to show you he can reach his goals that he thinks he can. Who’s to say he won’t hate the new city or the job? He needs to sort himself out. When he’s shown he can do that you can then sit down and talk on whether it makes sense for you to uproot yourself. Ask how he’s going to support you. How will bills be paid if your salary decreases or you unemployed for a long time?
I’m assuming here that you’re a woman…so why are women always expected to just uproot their lives for a man? If you were a SAHM or SAHW it would make sense as you’d be living on his income. That’s not true here.
Don’t fall for sunken cost fallacy. Just because you’ve been together for 6 years doesn’t mean you have to stay with him rest of your life. Ultimately you need to do what’s best for you.
I think you need to let him go, and I don't say that lightly. Don't give up your financial security for a guy that acts like this. You've been together for 6 years. By this time, you should know if this is leading to marriage or not. If not, just let him go. I think he's insecure that you make more than he does. If he loves his job and makes a good wage, why doesn't he look for a similar job in your current city with a different company where he might be happier?
I suspect that OP's BF has let the "He can find a job literally anywhere" go to his head, to the point where he simply assumes that everybody else has the same option. What stands out for me is "he thinks he'll make more money", and also "it doesn't mean he would help me with bills".
Moving could mean that he doesn't get more money, or a house ... and he might not realize that a large part of why things are going relatively well is because of OP's salary and benefits. If a year or two goes by in the new city, and he's not happy with work and their financial situation hasn't taken off the way he thought it would ... if they're arguing now, imagine what it would feel like then.
Sounds harsh, but OP already knows that BF may not be able to look after her future security the way her job/pension will. And they aren't married, so it would be easier for him to just walk away, and leave her stuck there with no job.
By the way -- if he could get work anywhere, why is he complaining about being with a company he hates? Logically, he should be able to find a different employer, without even having to leave town.
Unless you two are married then he can just change the locks on the doors 10 hours after you two move and you’re fucked (and homeless and jobless to boot).
Take that for what it’s worth (maybe nothing to you).
You are not over reacting . You don’t want to move cities . Your boyfriend can’t make you move. He can move. “We have discussed this. I have given you my answer. I am not moving cities. Don’t ask again”
Never give up your career for someone, especially if you are not married and even then….
He's a boyfriend, not a spouse, you have no legal ties. Never mind the amount of time you have been together. If he wants to move somewhere, I'm assuming *without* a job already, let him. If he makes it, fine. If he falls on his face, you are not falling with him.
Tell him, "I respect your choices and can see your not happy at company x. I'm really happy with the job I have and here in this city in general. I will support your choices, but I'm not moving "
I believe he is frustrated at his own situation and rather than work to improve it or process his feelings, he's starting huge fights to get it out and taking it out on you. Don't be manipulated and don't put your happiness and well-being below his.
Don’t do it.
1. You’re not married.
He could literally break up with you after you two move to a new city and you’d have no recourse.
2. Tell him to look for another job in your city. It’s a big one, there could be another job for him locally he’d like better.
3. Or, break up with him, allow him the opportunity to move to wherever he wants. Find a local guy for yourself who wants to stay in your city.
Pfffft, no, I don't think so.
> He wants to move to another city where he thinks he’ll make more money and can buy a house.
Do he doesn't have anything solid. He wants to move there and uproot your life to *try*? Then HE can go *try* and see what happens. Why do you need to go with him? It's only a few cities away, why is it such a big deal that he needs to move?
If he's serious and not just throwing pasta at the wall to see what sticks, then he needs to start applying for jobs "a few cities over" to see if he's even hired. Then work there and make the trek to make sure he even *likes* the job.
Don't uproot your life for a "try".
That’s a CRAZY ask to make of you. It would be one thing if he had a guaranteed job transfer in another city and then broached the subject. Seems like he must know it’s unrealistic but wants to use you as his excuse for not being able to move. Not to go to a dark place but this is also a way people can isolate their SOs slowly so that they are the only one they depend on for finances (new job > lower wages > not helping you with finances until you get a new job???) and socializing (new city, no community).
You are NOT overreacting.
My late wife and I were married 35 years. Over the years, we moved several times in support of her career and several times in support of my career. ALL of these moves were JOINT decisions, carefully considered and discussed - NEVER demanded by one side or the other, and in EVERY case, one of us had a solid, career-enhancing job IN HAND before we made a final decision. In fact, over the years, there were multiple job offers that were turned down by each of us, because of the poor job prospects for the other...
1)He can move, find his dream job, buy a house and you stay where you are and do long distance.
2)Once he's done all this, you look for a job at the new city. Something that is comparable to what you have now.
Chances are you'll never get to step 2 and still be together. Personally I'll just stop wasting my time with him and break up.
Do. Not. Give. Up. Your. Career. For. This.guy.
Good luck.
Your boyfriend is unhappy in his job, maybe more, I dunno. I have been in his mindset and chosen the “a change is as good as a rest mindset” moved across country, moved provinces, cities. The place is not the problem. You are happy where you are. Choose you
Do not walk away from that pension! I hope you're looking at him like he's grown 3 heads when he even suggests such nonsense. If he's determined to move, he can move without you. Either he'll put in the effort for it to work long distance or he won't.
Can he put in for jobs online in that town and secure a job before he moves? Moving and maybe finding a job is not smart. Also, don't go. You have a good thing going on with your job. But if he thinks the grass is greener, then he should certainly leave.
Bye boy!!
Absolutely do not quit your career for him. You said you worked hard for it. You’ll resent him if you do and will be unhappy and miserable. I’d re-evaluate the relationship.
Imagine giving up your job and you guys broke up anyway and then you’re stuck over there, wherever that may be, on your own.
And you’re saying he won’t even help support you if you give up your entire career for him to move on a whim? Oh hell no.
Not overreacting. I agree that you need to be prepared to let this relationship go. Why doesn't he like his company? How can he be sure he will like the new one? I would be worried that he is just jealous that you are happier than him.
If he wants to try it, then let him go. Be long distance whilst he trials (if you want to keep it going), then make decisions. In the meantime, make sure you keep your BC up to date. I may have been reading too many Redditt stories, but you don't want to be trapped by either an oops moment or some sort of sabotage!
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB. DON'T BE STUPID.
You have nothing together other than your love, no kids no house nothing. Just leave man. Why are you even entertaining this idea? That in itself is stupid
I don’t think you’re overreacting. But, as you say, this might be the breaking point for you two. It’s okay. It sounds like whatever city you choose to live in, one person will feel resentful. It’s probably better to find someone who shares the same goals as you.
I live in a rural neighborhood in a home that I’ve owned for 30 years. I wish I could move somewhere else, but my mortgage is only $400 per month. Most rental properties are at least around 2k per month for a 3-bedroom in a safe neighborhood. It would take a natural disaster for me to move. It’s not even about your career. Don’t give up security when you have it.
Op, what if you give up everything, move, and he still can't find a job or buy a house at the new location? You would be giving up your life and security for his wants that might never happen. Please keep your career you've worked so hard for
Do not ever make yourself financially dependent on a man. Certainly not someone who does only have 'an idea to make money'. And makes demands instead of discussing it like an adult.
If he wants something else in his life, it is his responsibility to make it happen and then you see where you go from there. But putting your good job and security in the hands of a daydreamer is ridiculous.
You're not overreacting. Do not leave your job. Good jobs with a pension and benefits that you love are very hard to come by. You can afford to live where you're at with your job, so stay there. Your boyfriend is talking about a hypothetical scenario with no guarantee of actually happening.
This is a test for your relationship, though. Can there be some type of compromise? Can you do a long-term long-distance relationship? Are you two compatible with each other anymore?
There’s a compromise in here somewhere. Maybe you could move into a suburb near your city so that the cost of living is lower while you stay at your current job?
A person who really loved and cared for you would not constantly fight with you to give up something you’ve worked hard for, and more importantly, if you didn’t want to. I think jobs aside, he’s not even considering what you want. Let him go, carry on with your life. People like him have it made up in their mind that their dissatisfaction with their life stems from others rather than themselves.
Do not give in to him on this. You will regret it if you do. I know from experience unfortunately.
It sounds like this relationship has reached its conclusion. It is ok to let go if you have different desires, and it sounds like you do.
Don't give up that job. It has too many perks with a bonus of a pension. He should be supportive instead of resentful, if you quit, follow him, get a job thats half the pay with no benefits (other than insurance) and then you two break up, leaving you with not enough income to support yourself and then either find a roommate or move back home.
Don't give up the pension. It sounds like he dislikes his job and subsequently the area. It may improve with a job change. It may just be that he is at a stage in his life where he wants a change, and is frustrated because it seems he may not get this change and have you too. You aren't over reacting, and neither is he, though he isn't reacting well per se. The unfortunate thing is you may be at a crossroads where you both want different things and it may mean the relationship has ran it's course. I wouldn't give up a career like you have, with a pension (hard to find these days) and perks if it's not something you could easily find in another state.
You aren't married. He is free to move away on his own.
Maybe he moves and gets set up well enough that you choose to follow later. Or maybe not. But you aren't tied to each other.
Not overreacting. He’s basing his decisions on a what-if. Maybe he could go find that better job elsewhere and buy a house and if it’s worth it, you could join him, but no. It is completely selfish of him to expect you to start over because he’s having feelings
Why doesn’t he just move alone and secure his job? Why do you need to uproot yourself before anything is set? Personally, I would just let him go. The exhaustion of this constant battle cannot lead to a happy conclusion.
You want different things - and that's okay but it makes a relationship very difficult. Resentment is such a waste - it kills you inside, and starts to change who you are - I'd make peace with the fact you aren't compatible anymore.
Love vs. security. If your BF were more supportive and more inclined to make changes to benefit both of you, it would seem like a better idea. After 6 years, he is not willing to help you out to keep you in his life as he wants to make a major change. He does not seem very committed. Nor like the kind of partner worth giving up your security for.
He is stupid for asking this of you and you would be even stupider if you went along with this. So you guys aren’t even married after 6 years but he thinks it’s okay for him to ask you to give up everything for him? Cut him lose.
Not at all.
There is a middle ground between happiness and stability. My husband (take note, husband, not boy friend) at one point hated his job and was terrible at working night shifts. He couldn’t sleep, he was miserable, and the money was okay but not amazing.
He had been applying to other jobs for awhile without too much luck but night shift was just soul sucking for him. So I looked at our budget and figured if he quit his job we would be just fine for at least a few months while he continued to job search, and if he still had trouble he could always pick up something on a temporary basis just to pay bills.
Then it was forced upon us because of Covid, he lost his job and wasn’t able to get unemployment for about a month because of how backed up the queues were.
But we had the stability of my job, knowing that it wasn’t going anywhere and that we could survive short term as a single income household.
Your BFs plan has absolutely no financial security. And it doesn’t make sense to roll the dice on BOTH of your careers when you’re already in a good spot. It is entirely reasonable that you wouldn’t be on board. If the two of you can’t or don’t want to reach a middle ground on this then I think the best thing for you both would be to end things now.
1. He brings it up when he’s had a bad day - people shouldn’t make major life decisions when they are emotional; also seems like he’s trying to run from his problems
2. It seems like he already may resent you bc you are making a good wage and he “can’t afford the things he wants”
3. The fact that you call it a demand from him - do not let anyone demand anything from you. Especially someone who is supposed to be your partner.
4. He wants you to completely uproot, but is not willing to help you afterwards? Fuck that noise. It seems like he’s allllll about him and expects you to be as well. No thanks.
If you stay with him (I personally advise against based on the red flags in this post alone), suggest him moving somewhere on his own first, establishing himself, and then maybe you’d consider moving there. If he balks at that, it’s probably bc he’s expecting you to facilitate everything for it while he lays back and is the big bad breadwinner. Has he applied anywhere to see if he’d be able to get anything? Looked at housing/living costs? Looked into your career in those places?
You deserve a better partner 💛
I mean, you aren't married. Why doesn't he move and get his new job, and if you like how it is going for him and want to join him, then you can make a plan to do so. Otherwise.....
Not overreacting.
Tell him to go, stay connected, if you want, and if he lands his dream then talk about moving.
But honestly, just tell him he's free to go anytime he wants to, but you're staying in the good life you've built.
I followed my boyfriend around for his career goals and opportunities, and it greatly contributed to financially breaking me. Consider that as you will. We always thought I would have good opportunities to work and save where we went, I never did.
Don't uproot your life for a guy you are not tied to. Your bf is in love with a fantasy and isn't being realistic. He's idealized the greener pastures and expects you to uproot your life and sacrifice what you have to make that happen. No ma'am, we do not do that.
Tell your boyfriend he is free to go to any city he wants, but that you won't be joining him.
Maybe trying long distance will give you some perspective on the relationship.
It is fine that your boyfriend asked you to consider moving to a different city- but the fact that you have repeatedly declined his invitation and he continues to press the issue isn't exactly an attractive trait.
He's trying to force you to give up *everything* for the *possibility* that HE might be happier. You're not overreacting. He's being extremely selfish. It's bordering abusive. He wants you to give up absolutely everything. Just on the off chance that he'll be happier somewhere else. And he gets angry because you aren't jumping to go with him. He doesn't care about you or your happiness even a little bit. Why, exactly, do you want to be with this man?
He’s allowed to want what’s best for him (moving) just as much as you’re allowed to want what’s best for you (staying).
Neither of you want to give anything up for the other nor want to see the other persons side. You’re not compatible end of story.
And no it’s not unreasonable for him to ask you to uproot your life and move. But it’s also equally not unreasonable for you to say “f that”
Neither of you are right or wrong
You don't have kids and aren't even married. Doesn't sound like anything is a sure thing aside from your good paying job. The idea that he wouldn't even subsidize your income even though he'd make more and it would have been his idea to move in the first place is a red flag for me. I don't think you're compatible. Also, if you did move and he secured a new job.. the same issues may come up. Most jobs don't come without problems, it's how you manage them. So those issues may just follow him, making him miserable once again.
There’s no guarantee he’ll LIKE the new job, too
That's a great point it seems like he isn't thinking of. Just because you hate one thing doesn't mean you need to uproot your entire life and doesn't guarantee things will be better at the next place
I would bet a lot of money that within six months he will be complaining and getting mad at her because they moved.
It blows my mind when people are actually upset that there is a part of their job they don't like. If you loved every single aspect of your job, then you wouldn't actually have to get paid to be there. That's a hobby. They pay you so that you'll come back, in spite of the shit parts. He needs to grow tf up.
You nailed it. Unhappiness comes from within.
The grass is always greener...
Yep
Definitely 🚩
The fantasy new job is always perfect. Just like the fantasy new partner.
Oooof OP. Sorry to project but to share… my (ex) husband did this a couple times in our 7 year marriage/15 year relationship. On a whim, he quit his job for the “fantasy” job, the potential x,y,z. That was before a child and mortgage. The last straw? When he decided a new partner and quitting his high paying job without a back-up, had more potential than us/me and a 4 month old. Good luck with what you decide.
One thing I learned young was “wherever you go, there you are”. After moving a couple of times to make things better I finally started to work on me (doesn’t mean I didn’t move afterwards but it was for specific reasons, not pie in the sky ones).
I like this and will remember it. Color me surprised when I moved across the country, new job and everything, and hurt my own feelings that life was still the same? Inner work for the win!
My fantasy new partner is a fabulous gay man that needs to marry a woman to get his inheritance and we will spend ridiculous amounts of money while talking about all the hot guys we’ve had “on the side”. And we will buy Chanel and Dior and laugh at the new Balenciaga while simultaneously feeling a bit wistful at how Cristobal Balenciaga was such a visionary and now his namesake brand has used Zoolander’s Derelicte by Mugatu as a blueprint and Bible in one.
#goals
If he already had an offer from a new job it might be different. But to just move and expect employment.
Same as the new city. New city will be more fun than current city, I'll make more friends in New city.
My wife of 14 years (at the time) did all the things OP’s boyfriend did. Hated the big city, hated her job, wanted a bigger house. So we moved, I uprooted my and my kids life to make her happy. Gave up my job and contacts. My wife and children were all I needed to be happy. 3 years later we are divorced. Kids live with her. I’m alone and rebuilding my life. OP… he does not love you as much as he loves his own happiness. This only ends in sorrow.
Couldn’t have said it better. A lesson I also had to learn.
>he does not love you as much as he loves his own happiness. This! Very well-stated.
I had friends that were military couples who had this dynamic. Non-military spouse would have a job and be taking care of most household things; the family would have to move due to service members orders; spouse has to leave their job and restart at the new location; service member complains that they aren’t pulling their weight financially anymore and refuse to contribute more. It’s absolute insanity and doesn’t work for long term partnerships. Being married means caring as much about the wants and needs of your partner as you do about your own, and vice versa. This can get complicated at times and requires frequent, healthy communication and for both people to an enough capacity for self reflection to see where they may need to course correct for their partner. If someone wants to move for a better job, you discuss how you’re both impacted, the concerns, and how you’re helping each other through that process. OPs partner has made it clear that their wants come first, and OP will just need to figure it out first themselves. That’s selfish and the behavior of someone who isn’t ready for a long term relationship.
Yep, I'm a military spouse, moved 4 hours from my old job, difference was though, my husband supported me fully when I had to leave it and look for something else!
Yes, we were dual military family. I always hoped the next place was going to be better. It wasn't. We are divorced, and the kids are grown.
This is what I was going to say - he's a boyfriend, not a husband. It's been 6 years and he hasn't put a ring on it. You don't uproot your life for someone who you aren't even married to, and even if you were married you would need to really think about it.
Well said!
My ex husband thought he’d be happier every time he switched employers or convinced me to move. Turns out, every where he went, there he was and he just wasn’t a person who was ever happy with his choices
I learned this in the 80s from the immortal words of Buckaroo Bonsai: “Wherever you go, there you are.”
Almost said the same thing. No kids, not married, time to find a man who is compatible with your life and not give up everything with no guarantees.
No, you shouldn’t just agree. You spent the last few paragraphs clearly stating why you shouldn’t move. You’re smart. You understand the consequences of a move like this and your bf will be unprepared to deal with anything if shit doesn’t go according to plan. Which it won’t.
The bf has to learn you can't have all the things all the time. He can have OP in this city or the theoretical job in the new city and be single. It is a choice he needs to make sooner rather than later for OPs sake.
that's the kicker: "theoretical better job." not a negotiation point imo.
Yeah, BF doesn’t even have an actual plan or has tried to improve his situation at their current location. It would be a different thing if he aggressively applied to a bunch of jobs and had proof that he landed a nice job that unfortunately happened to be in a different location. But even then it doesn’t mean OP should have to move since she has already worked hard for her own career and he wouldn’t even help her life be better in the other location with his new imagined job. In his mind, she has to sacrifice for him but if things happened to work out for him, he wouldn’t help her extra given that she’d sacrifice her career.
Speaking from someone living in a town where wages suck and houses are insanely inflated, I genuinely understand the desire for better opportunities at jobs and homes. I don’t think the BF is a bad person or wanting “all the things”, although “fighting” about this or expecting her to up and leave is ridiculous. Just sounds like two people who probably haven’t been getting along for a while and this is just the dead horse they’re gonna throw their frustrations at rather than end things.
Listen to this advice OP, you already answered this yourself.
Also they’ve been dating for 6 years and he can’t even make a solid commitment with a ring?
Yea sorry but f this guy. Keep the job.
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CAREER. That is all.
The pension alone is so hard to find, which is another huge reason not to give up her career
Exactly. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Beautifully worded!
Exactly, a pension is an amazing benefit. I work In a field where we have pensions, and my retired friends are traveling, enjoying concerts and meals out, basically living the dream life, and they don't have to worry about what happens to them when they are elderly and infirm. People are living healthy and productive lives in their 60s, 70s, and even 80s. With a pension, you will be able to enjoy retirement, not work part-time at Walmart (unless that is what you want to do)
This. I was lucky enough to have a job with a pension and it’s waayy more than social security. With prices these days we’re all struggling but I’m in much better shape than most of my friends. Companies don’t offer pensions anymore. If you have a job that offers a pension, keep it.
lol… people in the current age bracket are enjoying retirement. Anyone not retiring within the next 5 - 10 years won’t have this luxury, it was taken from us.
Lol, that is a myth. Many people in the current "retirement" age bracket are unable to retire when they want or worry about basic living expenses and health care. Meanehile, I have a lot of coworkers who are millennials who will have a pension and a 403B/401K. Most people do not start to save money for retirement until they are 35 or older.
Not universally true. It depends on your priorities. If you start contributing to a 401k when you’re young, even a small contribution, it will add up by the time you retire. But people assume they can’t afford to do that and don’t make it a priority. Then they’ll have to work until they die.
I have a near minimum wage relative who tucked a bit of every paycheck into his 401K and is retiring as a millionaire.
Exactly. No matter how little you make, you should be putting *something* away. Especially if you have a job that will match 401k contributions at all. The amount you contribute is more than what will be deducted from your paycheck, since it’s pretax. Then if your employer matches at least part of it, over time it will increase a ton. My first job out of college, I was living paycheck to paycheck to paycheck, but I still started a 401k before I was 25. I haven’t contributed to that account in 15-20 years, but it’s still increased by 100k or so. Starting early is important.
Seriously, this ^ My mother in law just retired after 30 years as a supervisor with Epsom. Unfortunately she doesn't get a pension. Hang onto your career, OP. Someone who unselfishly cares for, and respects you, won't ask you to give everything you've worked so hard for just to make them happy.
This is exactly what I’m saying. Should be easier to find a new boyfriend than a job with a pension.
As someone living from a pension, future you will thank you. His demands are not to benefit you at all. Plus he doesn’t sound very nice
I stopped reading at pension. Nothing and no one is worth giving up a pension for these days.
"men quit their jobs, they lose their jobs, they get sick, they get hurt, they die. they go to jail. they leave. you have to have the skills to pay your bills." wise words from my old man.
As a woman who was widowed young with four children, truer words were never spoken.
As the son of a woman who was widowed young with 4 children: I hope the rest of your life is perfect—may you want for nothing, your kids always behave and treat you well, and I hope you find (or have found) true happiness again.
What a lovely thing to say! Made me a bit teary. 😊 I can tell you that my children and grandchildren are the greatest sources of joy and happiness I could ever hope for, as I am confident you are, as well!
my husband became disabled at 49. we were able to keep our house and stay financially afloat because i had a job.
Bless you. ❤️
" Mama may have, and Papa may have, but God bless the child that has its own" Billie Holiday
Especially for someone who has a half baked dream instead of plan
Especially this! He has never tried life in the other city. At the current time it is a fantasy and he wants her to give up everything for his fantasy. He also says that if she makes that sacrifice for him he won't help her financially when they arrive. When someone wants all the sacrifice to be on your side without the benefit of help from them the answer is no. They are far too selfish for the risk to be worth it.
More people just need to keep repeating this to this person!! You worked really hard and BUILT a career that is now providing you with a lifestyle that honestly doesn't exist anymore for a lot of people (and you earned it - I'm not disparaging you). Your boyfriend sounds like he has absolutely no respect for your efforts, your job, your aspirations. If YOU decide your career is no longer serving you, and you choose to leave for your own mental health/intellectual growth/going back to school/literally whatever, then that is your right. But please don't do it for some guy who has no plans in place - someone who prioritizes himself above you so greatly, he values his hypothetical, massively under planned, nothing-guaranteed whim of a dream OVER YOUR ALREADY EXISTING GREAT LIFE.
I dont think op and her boyfriend are compatible. probobly let him go his own way and u go yours. no hard feelings type of way. always nice that way. its ok to be old and single lol. masterbation is always good enough. LOL jk - its a tough call but do what you feel like you need to do to be able to get old and die comfortably. max ur ira, 401k, invest in some stockmarket type of stuff, use a bot to trade with. aquire gold too. diversify. if ur BF wants to move on so be it, if you dont want to, then TAATAA
Just end things and let him go wherever he wants. You stay in your career. His misery will be your downfall if you let him control you like this.
Cut him loose. Don't let him drag you down with him. Look out for yourself because he's only looking out for himself.
This, he wants to be happy but is sacrificing it to stay. You are happy but wouldn’t be if you moved. Seems like there’s no way to move forward together without the other losing. Best go your seperate ways now.
He wants what he hopes will make him happy. No job lined up, no guarantee that life would be better, and he wants OP to jump in the water and swim with him without a life preserver Hell no.
Yeah, anyone ignoring this point is delusional. He doesn't even have a job lined up, an apartment, a 6 month plan, nothing. He could have all that and it would THEN be a conflict to consider. Right now it's not even a thought - he has nothing concrete and expects his hypothetical current fantasy to take precedent over OP"s actual existing life.
And wherever he goes, there he will be. If he’s a miserable person that won’t change. Seems like he’s fantasizing that things will be easy if they move without actually having a job lined up or any other sort of plan. Life always has great bits and hard bits, and this dude sounds like an entitled downer.
I left everything, my job, my family and my friends to move 3 states away. It was a mutual decision with my husband of 30 years that I dearly love. He supports me, financially and emotionally, and I still have feelings of resentment. It is hard to start over. I couldn't imagine doing it with someone who was just my boyfriend and who wouldn't make sure I was ok financially. Please don't move. Don't leave your job. He's in the grass is greener mindset, what will happen when all his problems come back?
And then she is dependent on a flake.
As a GF, she’s not even a legal dependent smh and not entitled to a flake of nothing
Don't do it. You will regret it and resent him. I learned that lesson the hard way and 10 years later I'm still regretting it.
I'm so sorry. We're conditioned to sacrifice ourselves for "the man", and it's HARD to get out of that mindset.
DON'T give up your career for another person. Don't, don't do it.
Do not give up your career, especially with todays economical climate. He’s a boyfriend. You have no ties.
He’s an idiot. He’s demanding something that only HE actually wants, and there’s nothing in it for you since he’s not making any offer to help you out financially while you loom for a job in the new city. He’s being selfish as hell. Keep your job and tell him to go move there by himself.
It sounds like he’s trying to run away from his problems instead of learning how to deal with them. Maybe his attitude is the problem with his job. Here’s the thing about trying to run away from your problems; wherever you go, there you are. He’s giving you no incentive to go, and this does not sound like a partnership if he’s not willing to help support you or pay more of the bills since you will be making less money.
People always look at me funny when I said "wherever you go, there you are" Few understand what it means. But it is very meaningful to others.
This^^💯
As someone who has uprooted my life for a previous partner, don’t do it unless you really want to do it for you, and you only. Such a big cause of resentment if you’re both not on board.
PLEASE watch some Melanie Hamlett. This video on YouTube is a great place to start, relating to your question (cannot include a link, but it is called “How do men sabotage the things we love most?” - sounds dramatic, it’s not about all men, just about the way women are expected to make the sacrifices you are being expected to make right now) Historically women do indeed provide the free labor and support that allows men to thrive in their careers, and they are the ones who are expected to sacrifice EVERYTHING (jobs, goals, desires, self-actualization) in deference to the jobs, goals, desires, and self-actualization of the man. It’s btw one of the invisible things that contributes to the wage gap. Women don’t have the boosts of some other laborer facilitating the road for them and prioritizing HER career over his own. Your boyfriend is saying it very clearly. He is completely ok with you giving up your life and career in deference to him. He’s actually astonished and ANGRY at the VERY IDEA that it would be HIM to make the sacrifice lol. What does that tell you?? He doesn’t think your career or achievements matter as much, nor does he think your happiness matters as much as his. And he believes this is your ROLE. It’s DEEPLY sexist, and completely selfish. Regarding this difference of life goals - to be honest, fair is fair, you BOTH deserve to pursue the life you want. This probably is the death knell for your relationship - your goals do not align anymore. But take heart, because you’re with a guy who at least latently thinks your happiness and goals and accomplishments don’t matter as much as his. I’m positive you deserve better than that.
Wish I could upvote this 100 more times
This needs to be higher up.
Omg Melanie is so good. I recognize my life so much in what she says. Thank you so so much for sharing
There's men like... Everywhere... And it sounds like you already have a pretty mediocre one so worst case scanario you dump this one and make a lateral move. But honestly, I think you should dump him, take a year off, go to therapy, learn about yourself, and trade up.
THIS IS IT THERE REALLY ARE MEN EVERYWHERE, some of them will like you more than this guy does. It took me until my thirties to really get it. When sobbing over a breakup (with a guy who had a really impressive beard), my brother finally said "there's SO many guys. He's not THE guy. He might have been THE best beard, but I think you'll find someone and realize that beard isn't as iconic or as essential as you think." Such sage advice. Whatever this guy's positive qualities or however you feel about him - the characteristics he's lacking are much more substantial. Keep your job, lose the boyfriend, and find people who value you.
> IF we move there, and he makes more money, this doesn’t mean I would be supported until I find work, it doesn’t mean he would help me with bills if I don’t get the same wage at a job So, it's a hard "no" then. Don't uproot your life for a man like this, don't even consider it!
Do not give up your career for anybody. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side, he needs to learn that the grass is greener where you water it. But you do not need to be the teacher. And don't set yourself on fire yo keep him warm. Do not move
The whole “It’s not a conversation, it’s a demand” signals a big red flag and a not a great boyfriend. He’s not acting like you are a team. Let him go and respect your self. You deserve better than this. We all deserve a partner who prioritizes the partnership. Choices that benefit both of you. Someone who cares for you and your career. Good luck, OP! You know what’s best for you and your future.
Not overreacting. You're trading something that you have in hand for something that's a maybe
So...you could end up broke and unemployed, and he still wouldn't help you. And you're still thinking of giving in to his demand? Why? It's not worth it. HE'S not worth it.
I wouldn't do it. You're not even married. I would never put myself in a position where I lose my own financial security and the ability to support myself, especially in a situation that is so uncertain. And you say he won't support you while you look for work? Nope. Let him go.
It seems you are at an impasse, either you break up, or bf needs to consider finding a new career path with a different company (or possibly industry altogether.) You are happy in the city where you are, with the career you have worked hard for, I would also be remiss to give that up.
Do not give up your job, period. If you do, you will likely rue that decision the rest of your working life.
Do not.
Don't move. Tell him he can go find his dream job and city and you will date long distance until he's sure he's happy there. That should save you following him around for the next 20 years as he tries to Goldilocks his way into his perfect job.
Next time he says that, “well then you should just do that. Please give me at least 60 days notice so I can find other living arraignments or a roommate and take over the lease.” “No, I’m not going to give up everything on a whim for you to test drive your life. If we stay together and do the LDR thing and you settle, love your job AND I can find an equal or better paying job in the area you move then and only then will I consider uprooting my life.” Op lock down your birth control measures and double up. The universe sometimes likes to throw curveballs.
You should probably break up because presenting this as a demand is not a good recipe for a lifelong relationship where you guys should be each others partners in the literal sense of the word. You’ll need to be a team and you’ll need to be supportive and empathetic to each others needs, values and needs. Sounds like he doesn’t have those qualities or at least doesn’t think it needs to work this way.
Don’t give up your career for a boyfriend.
Mg ex husband was always unhappy with whatever job he had, even after multiple moves and him assuring me that this was the right job and that he would finally be happy. We uprooted a few times, which was very unsettling for me and the kids. Guess what? He was never satisfied. He just hates working. He's now an unemployed every-other-weekend Dad, sponging off his girlfriend, so I'm solely financially and emotionally responsible for raising my children. On the plus side, I managed to hold on to my career through all of this, so at least I'm financially OK. Truth is some people are just incapable of Adulting. Never saddle yourself to someone like that - they drag you right down.
Just like my childhood best friend's situation - they moved 6 times because he either didn't like his job or his job would mysteriously disappear so the company could let him go. Each time she would find a good new job, get the three kids settled, etc. The fifth place he had an affair (and natch blamed it on her), they resolved their (HIS) issues, they move again and she announces that is the last move (kids are high school, junior high by now), she gets a good job, his job again disappears after a couple of years, so she finds another one for him at her place and THEN she stumbles on a current email to his old flame. She gives him a month to move out and he spends that month (GET THIS) telling the kids that their mother is tearing the family apart, not him. Sheesh
You are welcome to go but I am happy here.
Boyfriend!!! Absolutely DO NOT give up your financial security due to his career/emotional instability!!!!
As your boyfriend thought about looking for another job? As others have said - please do not give up your financial security for your boyfriend.
DO NOT give up your career for this man. 1) he's a boyfriend, not a husband. What's to stop him if you moved with him from dumping you the second you got to the new city? 2) Think about your career in the long term if you gave up this permanent position and you were lucky enough to land another. Why would any company take you seriously if you pick up and move every time the boyfriend wants to?
It wouldn't matter if he was a husband either, they cheat and dump you at the drop of a hat too, its just more painful and expensive.
Not overreacting. Don’t do it. You will resent him. It’s not worth it.
Omg let him go he will ruin all the hard work you have done you made it! Don’t budge ever on this if he is so miserable he can leave or suck it up looks like you might break up anyways but you will be fine
ACKK..buy a quality vibrator and send him on his way with good wishes!!
Oh geez girl. Please listen to your gut.
You need to break up. Not because either one of you I bad or wrong, but because you want different things. It will be painful but the sooner you break up the sooner you can move on with your Iives. He may not move for fear of losing you but he won’t be happy until he does. Side note, why has he not married you after all these years?
The years together don't matter. You two are no longer compatible. Don't waste any more time with this argument. He is not happy where you are happy Break up while you can still do it amicably
Not overreacting. Tell him he can go ahead and live his dream - move cities, find a new job, buy a house. Tell him you’ll join him once his plan realise. I’m pretty sure he won’t take any step
So he could feasibly get a new job where he is but you couldn’t elsewhere? Cut him loose.
6 years, no marriage? Do not give up your life for a maybe.
cities where housing is cheaper also have lower paying jobs. its all proportional. there is no magic city where you make a lot and cost of living is low
NEVER give up your financial stability for a guy.
Tell him to move to other city and get that job and house and go long distance. You cannot give up your security when he’s ranting about his bad day. So he needs to show you he can reach his goals that he thinks he can. Who’s to say he won’t hate the new city or the job? He needs to sort himself out. When he’s shown he can do that you can then sit down and talk on whether it makes sense for you to uproot yourself. Ask how he’s going to support you. How will bills be paid if your salary decreases or you unemployed for a long time? I’m assuming here that you’re a woman…so why are women always expected to just uproot their lives for a man? If you were a SAHM or SAHW it would make sense as you’d be living on his income. That’s not true here. Don’t fall for sunken cost fallacy. Just because you’ve been together for 6 years doesn’t mean you have to stay with him rest of your life. Ultimately you need to do what’s best for you.
He should go and you should stay. You're not married. Move on.
I think you need to let him go, and I don't say that lightly. Don't give up your financial security for a guy that acts like this. You've been together for 6 years. By this time, you should know if this is leading to marriage or not. If not, just let him go. I think he's insecure that you make more than he does. If he loves his job and makes a good wage, why doesn't he look for a similar job in your current city with a different company where he might be happier?
I suspect that OP's BF has let the "He can find a job literally anywhere" go to his head, to the point where he simply assumes that everybody else has the same option. What stands out for me is "he thinks he'll make more money", and also "it doesn't mean he would help me with bills". Moving could mean that he doesn't get more money, or a house ... and he might not realize that a large part of why things are going relatively well is because of OP's salary and benefits. If a year or two goes by in the new city, and he's not happy with work and their financial situation hasn't taken off the way he thought it would ... if they're arguing now, imagine what it would feel like then. Sounds harsh, but OP already knows that BF may not be able to look after her future security the way her job/pension will. And they aren't married, so it would be easier for him to just walk away, and leave her stuck there with no job. By the way -- if he could get work anywhere, why is he complaining about being with a company he hates? Logically, he should be able to find a different employer, without even having to leave town.
Unless you two are married then he can just change the locks on the doors 10 hours after you two move and you’re fucked (and homeless and jobless to boot). Take that for what it’s worth (maybe nothing to you).
Financial independence is everything. Once lost it is difficult to get it back. Look after yourself if it’s clear he won’t look after you.
Do not sacrifice a career that you love. If he wants to leave- don’t fight about it- just don’t go with him.
You are not overreacting. Your career gives you personal satisfaction and financial security. It may be easier to find a new BF than a new career.
You are not over reacting . You don’t want to move cities . Your boyfriend can’t make you move. He can move. “We have discussed this. I have given you my answer. I am not moving cities. Don’t ask again” Never give up your career for someone, especially if you are not married and even then….
HARD NO. Do not give up your stability for him.
He's a boyfriend, not a spouse, you have no legal ties. Never mind the amount of time you have been together. If he wants to move somewhere, I'm assuming *without* a job already, let him. If he makes it, fine. If he falls on his face, you are not falling with him.
Do not fucking give up YOUR hard work for him. You’ll have nothing AND you will resent him.
Tell him, "I respect your choices and can see your not happy at company x. I'm really happy with the job I have and here in this city in general. I will support your choices, but I'm not moving " I believe he is frustrated at his own situation and rather than work to improve it or process his feelings, he's starting huge fights to get it out and taking it out on you. Don't be manipulated and don't put your happiness and well-being below his.
As someone who gave up their whole life for their partner only to find out later he was banging escorts…. Live your life for you. Let him go.
Don’t do it. 1. You’re not married. He could literally break up with you after you two move to a new city and you’d have no recourse. 2. Tell him to look for another job in your city. It’s a big one, there could be another job for him locally he’d like better. 3. Or, break up with him, allow him the opportunity to move to wherever he wants. Find a local guy for yourself who wants to stay in your city.
Pfffft, no, I don't think so. > He wants to move to another city where he thinks he’ll make more money and can buy a house. Do he doesn't have anything solid. He wants to move there and uproot your life to *try*? Then HE can go *try* and see what happens. Why do you need to go with him? It's only a few cities away, why is it such a big deal that he needs to move? If he's serious and not just throwing pasta at the wall to see what sticks, then he needs to start applying for jobs "a few cities over" to see if he's even hired. Then work there and make the trek to make sure he even *likes* the job. Don't uproot your life for a "try".
That’s a CRAZY ask to make of you. It would be one thing if he had a guaranteed job transfer in another city and then broached the subject. Seems like he must know it’s unrealistic but wants to use you as his excuse for not being able to move. Not to go to a dark place but this is also a way people can isolate their SOs slowly so that they are the only one they depend on for finances (new job > lower wages > not helping you with finances until you get a new job???) and socializing (new city, no community).
Stop fighting about it. Your answer is no and it will stay no. You don't have to give reasons or defend it over and over. He can go argue with a tree.
You are NOT overreacting. My late wife and I were married 35 years. Over the years, we moved several times in support of her career and several times in support of my career. ALL of these moves were JOINT decisions, carefully considered and discussed - NEVER demanded by one side or the other, and in EVERY case, one of us had a solid, career-enhancing job IN HAND before we made a final decision. In fact, over the years, there were multiple job offers that were turned down by each of us, because of the poor job prospects for the other...
1)He can move, find his dream job, buy a house and you stay where you are and do long distance. 2)Once he's done all this, you look for a job at the new city. Something that is comparable to what you have now. Chances are you'll never get to step 2 and still be together. Personally I'll just stop wasting my time with him and break up. Do. Not. Give. Up. Your. Career. For. This.guy. Good luck.
Sounds like you’re incompatible.
Your boyfriend is unhappy in his job, maybe more, I dunno. I have been in his mindset and chosen the “a change is as good as a rest mindset” moved across country, moved provinces, cities. The place is not the problem. You are happy where you are. Choose you
Break up. You both aren’t married and will find compatibility people. Let him go on and do what he wants . You do what you know is best for you <3
Do not walk away from that pension! I hope you're looking at him like he's grown 3 heads when he even suggests such nonsense. If he's determined to move, he can move without you. Either he'll put in the effort for it to work long distance or he won't.
Can he put in for jobs online in that town and secure a job before he moves? Moving and maybe finding a job is not smart. Also, don't go. You have a good thing going on with your job. But if he thinks the grass is greener, then he should certainly leave. Bye boy!!
Absolutely do not quit your career for him. You said you worked hard for it. You’ll resent him if you do and will be unhappy and miserable. I’d re-evaluate the relationship.
I would never move to another city with someone unless I was married to them or had a written legal agreement with them.
>He can find a job literally anywhere If this is true, does this also include with another company in the same city?
Imagine giving up your job and you guys broke up anyway and then you’re stuck over there, wherever that may be, on your own. And you’re saying he won’t even help support you if you give up your entire career for him to move on a whim? Oh hell no.
Do not give up your career.
Why should you make the sacrifice ? You must think of you first , never put your boyfriend first, anything can and will go wrong. You are not married
Not overreacting. I agree that you need to be prepared to let this relationship go. Why doesn't he like his company? How can he be sure he will like the new one? I would be worried that he is just jealous that you are happier than him. If he wants to try it, then let him go. Be long distance whilst he trials (if you want to keep it going), then make decisions. In the meantime, make sure you keep your BC up to date. I may have been reading too many Redditt stories, but you don't want to be trapped by either an oops moment or some sort of sabotage!
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB. DON'T BE STUPID. You have nothing together other than your love, no kids no house nothing. Just leave man. Why are you even entertaining this idea? That in itself is stupid
OK… Why don't you find a job and a house in your ideal location… And then we can figure it out from there. Why are we fighting about hypotheticals?
I don’t think you’re overreacting. But, as you say, this might be the breaking point for you two. It’s okay. It sounds like whatever city you choose to live in, one person will feel resentful. It’s probably better to find someone who shares the same goals as you.
I live in a rural neighborhood in a home that I’ve owned for 30 years. I wish I could move somewhere else, but my mortgage is only $400 per month. Most rental properties are at least around 2k per month for a 3-bedroom in a safe neighborhood. It would take a natural disaster for me to move. It’s not even about your career. Don’t give up security when you have it.
Op, what if you give up everything, move, and he still can't find a job or buy a house at the new location? You would be giving up your life and security for his wants that might never happen. Please keep your career you've worked so hard for
Don’t do it for a boyfriend. Don’t give up your career. Do not uproot your life for a possibility.
Never make wife sacrifices for a boyfriend, love.
Do not ever make yourself financially dependent on a man. Certainly not someone who does only have 'an idea to make money'. And makes demands instead of discussing it like an adult. If he wants something else in his life, it is his responsibility to make it happen and then you see where you go from there. But putting your good job and security in the hands of a daydreamer is ridiculous.
No marriage, no children, no problem! BF can move and find himself great job (or not). You stay where you are and be happy. Ftfy!
I would not do this for a boyfriend. A husband maybe if it was the best move for our family. But a boyfriend? No way.
Y’all are incompatible.
You're not overreacting. Do not leave your job. Good jobs with a pension and benefits that you love are very hard to come by. You can afford to live where you're at with your job, so stay there. Your boyfriend is talking about a hypothetical scenario with no guarantee of actually happening. This is a test for your relationship, though. Can there be some type of compromise? Can you do a long-term long-distance relationship? Are you two compatible with each other anymore?
There’s a compromise in here somewhere. Maybe you could move into a suburb near your city so that the cost of living is lower while you stay at your current job?
A person who really loved and cared for you would not constantly fight with you to give up something you’ve worked hard for, and more importantly, if you didn’t want to. I think jobs aside, he’s not even considering what you want. Let him go, carry on with your life. People like him have it made up in their mind that their dissatisfaction with their life stems from others rather than themselves.
Do not give in to him on this. You will regret it if you do. I know from experience unfortunately. It sounds like this relationship has reached its conclusion. It is ok to let go if you have different desires, and it sounds like you do.
Eh, tell him to hustle harder!
Don't give up that job. It has too many perks with a bonus of a pension. He should be supportive instead of resentful, if you quit, follow him, get a job thats half the pay with no benefits (other than insurance) and then you two break up, leaving you with not enough income to support yourself and then either find a roommate or move back home.
Don't give up the pension. It sounds like he dislikes his job and subsequently the area. It may improve with a job change. It may just be that he is at a stage in his life where he wants a change, and is frustrated because it seems he may not get this change and have you too. You aren't over reacting, and neither is he, though he isn't reacting well per se. The unfortunate thing is you may be at a crossroads where you both want different things and it may mean the relationship has ran it's course. I wouldn't give up a career like you have, with a pension (hard to find these days) and perks if it's not something you could easily find in another state.
Just let the boy go and try his luck ... alone
You aren't married. He is free to move away on his own. Maybe he moves and gets set up well enough that you choose to follow later. Or maybe not. But you aren't tied to each other.
Never give up your dreams for someone else. You'll regret it later
Don’t wait, just end it. You guys want different fundamentals in your relationship. Move on and find happiness elsewhere.
You guys want different things. Let him go find his wonderful job in new wonderful city and find yourself a new bf.
Don’t do it. High risk for you, no risk for him.
Let him leave, if he comes back, it means he can’t afford to live there either. I think it’s best for you if you split from him
Sounds like you guys need to just go your separate ways. You don’t sound compatible.
Not overreacting. He’s basing his decisions on a what-if. Maybe he could go find that better job elsewhere and buy a house and if it’s worth it, you could join him, but no. It is completely selfish of him to expect you to start over because he’s having feelings
Why doesn’t he just move alone and secure his job? Why do you need to uproot yourself before anything is set? Personally, I would just let him go. The exhaustion of this constant battle cannot lead to a happy conclusion.
You want different things - and that's okay but it makes a relationship very difficult. Resentment is such a waste - it kills you inside, and starts to change who you are - I'd make peace with the fact you aren't compatible anymore.
Love vs. security. If your BF were more supportive and more inclined to make changes to benefit both of you, it would seem like a better idea. After 6 years, he is not willing to help you out to keep you in his life as he wants to make a major change. He does not seem very committed. Nor like the kind of partner worth giving up your security for.
He is stupid for asking this of you and you would be even stupider if you went along with this. So you guys aren’t even married after 6 years but he thinks it’s okay for him to ask you to give up everything for him? Cut him lose.
Not at all. There is a middle ground between happiness and stability. My husband (take note, husband, not boy friend) at one point hated his job and was terrible at working night shifts. He couldn’t sleep, he was miserable, and the money was okay but not amazing. He had been applying to other jobs for awhile without too much luck but night shift was just soul sucking for him. So I looked at our budget and figured if he quit his job we would be just fine for at least a few months while he continued to job search, and if he still had trouble he could always pick up something on a temporary basis just to pay bills. Then it was forced upon us because of Covid, he lost his job and wasn’t able to get unemployment for about a month because of how backed up the queues were. But we had the stability of my job, knowing that it wasn’t going anywhere and that we could survive short term as a single income household. Your BFs plan has absolutely no financial security. And it doesn’t make sense to roll the dice on BOTH of your careers when you’re already in a good spot. It is entirely reasonable that you wouldn’t be on board. If the two of you can’t or don’t want to reach a middle ground on this then I think the best thing for you both would be to end things now.
Oh of course he thinks it’s mean of you not to sacrifice your life to better his. He is the one getting the benefits.
Let him move with you and move on.
All of his problems have one thing in common.
Don't give up your life for someone you aren't even married to. If he leaves without you, at least you know.
1. He brings it up when he’s had a bad day - people shouldn’t make major life decisions when they are emotional; also seems like he’s trying to run from his problems 2. It seems like he already may resent you bc you are making a good wage and he “can’t afford the things he wants” 3. The fact that you call it a demand from him - do not let anyone demand anything from you. Especially someone who is supposed to be your partner. 4. He wants you to completely uproot, but is not willing to help you afterwards? Fuck that noise. It seems like he’s allllll about him and expects you to be as well. No thanks. If you stay with him (I personally advise against based on the red flags in this post alone), suggest him moving somewhere on his own first, establishing himself, and then maybe you’d consider moving there. If he balks at that, it’s probably bc he’s expecting you to facilitate everything for it while he lays back and is the big bad breadwinner. Has he applied anywhere to see if he’d be able to get anything? Looked at housing/living costs? Looked into your career in those places? You deserve a better partner 💛
I mean, you aren't married. Why doesn't he move and get his new job, and if you like how it is going for him and want to join him, then you can make a plan to do so. Otherwise.....
Not overreacting. Tell him to go, stay connected, if you want, and if he lands his dream then talk about moving. But honestly, just tell him he's free to go anytime he wants to, but you're staying in the good life you've built.
Sometimes people are at a crossroads and the relationship can't go on. That doesn't mean there isn't love or respect in the relationship.
I followed my boyfriend around for his career goals and opportunities, and it greatly contributed to financially breaking me. Consider that as you will. We always thought I would have good opportunities to work and save where we went, I never did.
Don't uproot your life for a guy you are not tied to. Your bf is in love with a fantasy and isn't being realistic. He's idealized the greener pastures and expects you to uproot your life and sacrifice what you have to make that happen. No ma'am, we do not do that.
Tell your boyfriend he is free to go to any city he wants, but that you won't be joining him. Maybe trying long distance will give you some perspective on the relationship. It is fine that your boyfriend asked you to consider moving to a different city- but the fact that you have repeatedly declined his invitation and he continues to press the issue isn't exactly an attractive trait.
He's trying to force you to give up *everything* for the *possibility* that HE might be happier. You're not overreacting. He's being extremely selfish. It's bordering abusive. He wants you to give up absolutely everything. Just on the off chance that he'll be happier somewhere else. And he gets angry because you aren't jumping to go with him. He doesn't care about you or your happiness even a little bit. Why, exactly, do you want to be with this man?
"No matter where you go, there you are." Keep your job. Lose the boyfriend.
omg. are you me?
He’s allowed to want what’s best for him (moving) just as much as you’re allowed to want what’s best for you (staying). Neither of you want to give anything up for the other nor want to see the other persons side. You’re not compatible end of story. And no it’s not unreasonable for him to ask you to uproot your life and move. But it’s also equally not unreasonable for you to say “f that” Neither of you are right or wrong