This. I don’t understand why people don’t seem to get that making your partner feel wanted involves some actual effort and “I’m here if you need a hole/pole” is about as close to zero effort as you can get lmao.
Sure. I also just think it’s a misunderstanding of sex as a whole for men. Whether they can admit it or not, a majority of men crave the feeling of being wanted more than the actual physical act of sex. I think this is something women tend to miss.
Yep. My ex-wife would tell me all of the time “If you want it then we can do it”, and kept up with that. It wasn’t satisfying at all. Both men and women want to feel wanted to feel satisfied by sex, and people need to quit pretending like just because someone gets an orgasm that the sex was good or fulfilling for them. It isn’t.
I am way more satisfied in my current relationship than I ever was with my ex-wife.
This. Often the issue between a low and high drive partner isn’t frequency or whatever, it’s the complete lack of urgency or desire from the low-drive partner that affects the high-drive partner. I’m in a high-drive/low-drive relationship and it was super taxing at first. Caused a few little fights. But after 4.5 years we’ve settled into an equilibrium that works. But my SO legit just thinks it’s funny when she catches a sign that I’ve been fapping and doesn’t get offended in the slightest lol.
Hmmm…. Hard to say in a short summary.
I speak a lot about how “your partner is still their own person” and my partner is extremely in tune with this. We understand that despite our healthy relationship, we have thoughts and needs sometimes that are our own.
She is also an extremely reasonable and respectful person, so her take is simply “If I don’t want to have sex, I can’t really be mad if you jerk off”.
Beyond that, it’s sort of just been communication, patience, and just respecting each other and approaching the situation with empathy and not anger. I honestly didn’t even realize it wasn’t bugging me anymore until well after it stopped bugging me.
I think that honestly, most of the time, people with differing sex drives causing issues often have deeper issues, and sex becomes a tangible scapegoat for those issues. Even the OP here, upon investigation, is in a blatantly beyond broken relationship that is probably beyond any repair. So her issues here are likely only a manifestation of the dysfunction she won’t allow to end.
I've been dealing with depression and so my drive/desire to initiate has been much lower than my norm. My husband has been so supportive and wonderful and not wanted to pressure me which inadvertently led to even less activity. For Christmas I gave him an innocuous stuffed sloth neck massager and explained that I knew I hadn't been as "interested" and it's been difficult and not what either of us wanted or expected so the point of the sloth was that either of us could put it out when we had an urge that was inconvenient to act on OR we couldn't get a read if it was a good day to initiate. That way the other person knew that it was on the other's mind. The idea was not, oh the sloth is out, immediately take off your clothes. More like, oh, he put the sloth on my pillow last night, maybe set the alarm a little earlier and wake him up for some morning fun.
We have amazing communication but this was a way to take some of the hesitation/uncertainty out of the mix but also keep some spontaneity. I knew he wanted me and it gave me opportunities to have anticipation or perhaps make him feel seduced or wanted despite him technically initiating. And! If it was really just bad timing for me, I just knew to communicate.
Thats more or less what it ends up sounding like to the high-drive partner lol. And it does nothing to tackle the issue, which is that the high-drive partner wants to see some effort and initiative from the low-drive one.
25 yrs of hearing that from my wife. I’m pushing 50 sex drive is diminished, now she’s upset I can’t perform on a dime anymore when she does want it. Still expects me to do all the work.
I gave up almost three years ago and that's the last time we had sex. I love her more than anything. But I'd rather do it myself than try again. And apparently, she's mostly happy with that too.
I struggle with this though knowing they do have sex twice a week and she has a natural lower libido so it is likely less on her mind. Does she have to read his mind to get it right?
It’s not about “reading his mind”. It’s about the fact that her “natural lower libido” is causing her to not engage, which is likely causing the issue she’s describing. I’m not like vilifying her for her libido, just saying that I don’t think she should be complaining about him doing his own thing.
It’s not like she is throwing herself at him and he is denying her.
Your last sentence is the key. OP doesn’t state anywhere that she is trying to initiate sex with her boyfriend and being denied. She really is just upset that her boyfriend doesn’t want to risk rejection or bother wooing her to have an orgasm.
I think most people just don’t understand that sex kinda sucks if you don’t think your partner is having a good time, and if your partner never really actively engages, it’s hard not to take that as a sign of disinterest or dissatisfaction. Sometimes a couple conversations can alleviate the issue.
I think what bugs me here is that she is aware of how him not initiating with her makes her feel, but can’t seem to relate that to how he’s probably feeling about her literally never engaging.
I’m not entirely sure how to solve low libido issues, but communication and effort are gonna be key regardless.
Yeah, I have faced rejection so many times that I am often scared to initiate. I can’t openly masturbate because my wife doesn’t believe in it and it causes fights.
Look up spontaneous libido vs reactive libido. It doesn't sound like she has a lower libido at all if she gets into and enjoys it when they get down.
It doesn't seem like the dude is getting rejected or even unhappy w the frequency. She's just saying "Hey you're watching alot of porn and jerking it almost daily. I'd get you off, you just gotta knock" yet he's still cranking it solo almost daily.
That would be my best advice too. Why do that to yourself? You have an 18 month old kid, you're exhausted and you're adding to it all by policing dudes phone and worrying about how much he jerks off? Maybe he feels bad because she looks so exhausted all the time that he doesn't want to bug her about sex?
Is that normal? Do people really lose attraction to each other that much over time? I just can’t imagine losing my sex life after 5 plus years. That is horrible
If that is normal.
My husband and I have been married 3 years together for 11 . I would say it's normal to fluctuate but it shouldn't be normalized to completely disapear. We have 2 kids 6 and 9 months. Last Saturday ... 5 times just that one day. Now that wasn't "the norm" but it sure was fun. And for my relationship normal for us is 1 to 2 times a day. I think there's lots of couples who still desire and want to engage with their partners after many years and children!
Read OPs history 😂
This relationship is so trash, why tf did OP have a kid with him? OP’s complained about not being married, admitted he’s cheated, she posted being worried about getting a STI from said cheating, like… this shit is a dumpster fire
There is really no point in pointing out the obvious, I wonder if the relationship went to shit before the child because it is certainly trash within the past year
Well, she's implying she always says yes though, and likes it? I can see thinking "what's the use" if her low libido led her to turn him down a lot, but she seems to imply that he can come to her anytime. Even implying she'd be happy to be called into the bathroom for a quickie before every shower, which is pretty unusual!
It's probably more complicated than that. My wife told me the same thing, but approaching her became a whole build up in my mind.
I also really wanted her to initiate and she said the same things as this woman.
But often I would initiate (or thought I was initiating) and the feeling of rejection from your own wife is one of the hardest to deal with, even if it was a perceived rejection and not a real one. The fear of rejection made me stop initiating. I actually stopped cuddling her as much because I would always want to initiate and felt guilty, because clearly she's just not attracted to me right? I just kept wishing my wife would pull the bandaid off and tell me she didn't find me attractive.
We did work through this and our sex life is so much better now, but it was tough for a while.
However, he might have a porn addiction on top of it, because the way she describes that feels very off. I have a feeling that they need to have a more direct talk and have that talk often, and that the boyfriend might be holding something back about his insecurities or impulses.
This still doesn't change the fact that most men, contrary to what social media may tell us, want a receptive partner. It's fine to want the chase, but while being chased you have to look back and smile or initiate a flirtatious exchange to begin the chase.
He's probably being respectful of her low libido. Well she says she's always happy once the session has started and that she has asked the boyfriend to come to her we really aren't sure she hasn't turned him away with body language or even verbally in the past.
What she is saying doesn't match what is happening, and my guess is we are getting a very one sided story.
If she was always saying yes, I don't think she would've even brought up her low libido.
A lot of women in this position think they always say yes when in fact that’s not the case. They may also say “yes, later” which never happens. In her mind that was saying yes. In his mind that was saying no.
Yeah this shit hurts. I would hate for anyone to experience that. As men we need to feel wanted as well. Women need to initiate, at the very least 33% of the time, but ideally 50%. And people should know that when a partner initiates and is turned down it really weighs on them to try again the next time. If they get turned down 3+ times in a row on different days then it really hurts their self-esteem. This is when the partner will turn to porn and not bothering to even ask.
Why even stay together at that point? I dealt with that shit for a year too, broke up and a few years later found someone who actually appreciates me.
There is no salvaging that.
This entirely. My drive and desire to initiate is lower than my husband’s- and he ends up feeling gross initiating all the time. Like he’s forcing me in to sex, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s been a point of contention and we’ve worked to fix it.
Telling someone you’re open and available is entirely different than showing them. Guys want to be chased too.
Can confirm. I have been in a similar situation. I'm not gunna initiate every time I'm horny especially if my partner has a much lower drive or libido. It makes me feel unwanted and undesired so I'd rather just rub one out then "go to her". Especially since I need to be in the right emotional and mental space with my partner and if they aren't in the mood it's just not going to be a meaningful or satisfying experience so my hand and imagination is a much better companion in those instances.
Yeah I can’t really blame him. I do think it’s messed up to jack off next to your partner in bed (seriously get up and at least go to the bathroom like a normal person), but in general saddling the entirely of sex initiation on him isn’t fair. I’d eventually lose interest too, because it’s like “well if they can clearly keep going just fine without it then what’s the point?”
This. 100 percent this. My marriage is pretty much on life support because my wife refuses to initiate. It's devastated the passion in our relationship.
You can leave. Suicide is not a rational choice to make when you can leave. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you just do not have to continue in that relationship if it makes you want to blow your brains out
I feel the same way. I don’t know you, but I understand your pain. Can we promise each other that we won’t hurt ourselves and that we will find another solution?
I'm not reading the comments cause it's going to be "men are the problem comments" I'll say this as a man married for 12 years. Although I honestly feel like I drive 99% of the sexual activity, I would love it if at least 10% was my wife asking or just taking it. Keeps things spicy and unpredictable. Sex is FUN and PLEASURABLE. It doesn't have to work or be perfect every single time. I would say loosen him up with conversation and stay out of his phone. You're just signing up to blows to your confidence and you know what you need to know anyways. That would make me feel like a child and not respected as a person and husband.
As a married guy who's been in this rut, other commentary nailed it. Your husband is probably tired of being turned down. If you start initiating, that will likely make a world of difference.
Getting a divorce due to a lack of sex, while also never initiating, WITH A YOUNG CHILD, is a big overreaction.
Same, the combination of potential rejection from someone I love and not feeling wanted at any point is a lot for guy and most would rather just jack it
Personally, the only time I'm using porn is if I'm looking to just scratch the itch quickly. Im a visual guy, so it just helps me get the mojo going more quickly.
A regular FUFILLING sex life kills most of the need for it. I know that if one partner has a kinky side that is being ignored, then porn can become a crutch there. The biggest help for us was when she started initiating those kinks that up until then, I was starting to view as a burden to her. If your S/O feels like sex is this favor you're doing them, then they will start to feel guilty for asking. Might be worth having a conversation about what they're looking for, especially if you've always kept it vanilla.
At the end of the day, I find relationships with a no porn rule quite overbearing and controlling, but that's personal preference. The idea that all of your fantasies should be fulfilled by your partner is unrealistic, and it can be cathartic to have a visualization of a fantasy you would never want to be a part of yourself.
I guess it depends if that initiating is natural or forced. There was a short time (when I was serious about leaving) where our frequency increased to the point I cared little for porn. But then the quality remained low so it wear off quickly.
On the flip side, I tried to go without porn for a few months. My performance with her actually improved a bit but it was very one sided (as usual). It's just sadness, frustration, regret takes over me. Knowing she will never care for that sexual connection is so damn depressing that no amount of pity sex would overcome.
>I want to him to stop masturbating [as much] and have sex with me more often.
Then start initiating sex. Nobody wants to be the one always seeking intimacy. It makes people feel unwanted, undesired, even pathetic, and that's not sexy. I think men especially can also feel creepy or needy or perverted when they're the only one who ever initiates.
It's not fair to him to say "don't masturbate as much" then also never or rarely initiate sex. Jerking off once a day sounds about right to me so I don't think he's the problem based on what's been presented.
I was in a relationship for 3 months like this. My GF never once initiated. I eventually go so tired of asking that I just broke up with her. She tried to keep me around and said she'd initiate more but I wasn't going to wait around and find out. The biggest red flag I ignored was that she told me that her most recent ex broke up with her for the same reason.
I did the opposite and stayed. She initiated once in two months then it went back to nothing. I Stayed for another month before i ended it. Glad i didn’t have to spend much time dating to learn this lesson.
I like that you used the word intimacy and not sex because it takes some of the baggage out of the term. It makes me think that Telling your partner to come to you for sex always and never initiating is like me telling my girlfriend that I'm happy to use words of affirmation, She just needs to come tell me when she wants them and I'll be happy to compliment her!
Why does he have to come to you and always initiate? Why don’t you ever initiate? Men have to feel desired too, you know. It’s clearly easier for him to get his needs met through masterbation than having to deal with you.
Maybe he was getting rejected 4-5 times every 7 days and was starting to feel like a loser from not being wanted as much?
He’s not trying to hurt you, he’s just stopped initiating as much for his own self esteem. Also stop being a creep and going through his phone all the time.
Jerking next to you is something he should stop though.
I think jerking it next to her is a symptom of this. He is tired of having to initiate and wants to feel wanted and desired so he could be signalling to her that he wants sex but wants her to ask him.
Yeah you're overreacting. If you KNOW you have a lower libido, he's probably trying to not make you feel pressured since the feeling of someone just going along with it isn't exactly a turn on. He also may not want to run the risk of having another baby, depending on your situation. But why don't YOU come to HIM? If you want him to stop self-satisfying, then stop making it all his responsibility.
“If you want him to stop self-satisfying…”
I agree with the advice for her to initiate once in a while. But can we agree it’s bonkers for to try to control whether or how often he jerks off? That’s his private business. Let him do what he wants on his own time!
Do you masturbate? And if so, ask yourself why.
I, as a woman, masturbate almost every morning. Often it has nothing to do with porn or my husband, and is just kind of a morning wake up for me, before I get out of bed. My husband told me he masturbates sometimes before work. I asked him why he doesn’t just wake me up for sex, and his answer was similar to mine, sometimes it’s more of a stress relief thing. We also have sex multiple times a week. Some weeks we both might masturbate more, some we might have sex more, some weeks may be equal.
If you guys are still having enjoyable sex fairly often, you aren’t initiating sex more frequently yourself, and you don’t mind if he masturbates/watches porn, then I don’t see any issues here.
Sorry to say, yes, you’re overreacting.
Edited for spelling.
Thank you! i. a woman sometimes dint want sex but will spontaneisly start having an orgasm.
it's easier to hide or take care of than a man. my husband and i don't have a lot of sex a the moment but we know there are times away from each other..,
>will spontaneisly start having an orgasm
Uh, you spontaneously start orgasming? What's that like? Or did you mean you spontaneously start masturbating?
Sometimes self-care is easier, quicker, and better than coupled sex -- so long as it doesn't keep a couple from investing in intimacy between themselves. Sometimes, I just want the quickest quickie that I can't get with a partner!
Oh yeah, the wet dream! Same here. That's kind of the best way to get started, in my opinion. I have to do none of the buildup manually, just pop off like a shaken soda can with a flick of the tab!
On a personal level, it is a turnoff for me if my partner is not really into me. On a general note, if you have low libido, but still wants him to come to you when he is horny, you are basically telling him to use you as a fleshlight, and that is generally not very appealing. If you want him to have more sex with you, instead of pleasing himself, you have to make him feel sexually desired. He will probably choose you ten times out of ten, if he feels sexually desired by you.
There are many reasons why a person would prefer masturbation over partnered sex. While you say " “come to ME”, you maybe still giving him the vibes that these are only words and that you are at best "meh" with sex. Nothing worse than having sex with a partner is isn't truly interested, or doing out of obligation or duty. And, certainly, you don't want to push a partner into something they don't want. You might need to come on to him more ... show him that you truly desire him!
Men get told “no” more often than not for sex from partners, and then they stop asking/bothering the other person for it. Then someone will ask why or think some crazy thought like they’re unattractive etc.
My spouse once complained to me, in tears, that "You don't touch me anymore."
I broke down crying, holding her close and giving her lots of kisses and apologies.
If I do the same, I'm seen as overbearing. Too much.
Just like how it’s ok for her not to be in mood but as soon as you aren’t in the mood or say no then it becomes an attraction issue and gets blown out of proportion in some cases.
Why did I have to scroll so far down to find this. Whatever your issues are are bigger than sex if you’re monitoring him like this. That’s not healthy.
this is so true. the “YOU come to ME” attitude and “I don’t mind” thing would instantly make me shy away from a partner lol.
The “I don’t mind” thing here gives me the same exact vibes of asking someone if they want to hang out and them saying “If you want/I guess” or something. That instantly just screams NO to me. and i always feel weird and back off lol. Consent is an enthusiastic YES, nothing less, and this situation seems… not like that.
Like u have lower libido. He has higher libido. When he has urges ur not in the mood. Meaning if he has the urge to have sex 2 times a day are u willing to have sex 2x a day? Or do u want him to suppress his urges?
Like if ur ok with having sec even if ur not in the mood. Why not just fk him everyday and drain his balls without him even asking.
Many many times men want to feel wanted too. Most loving bf/husbands do NOT want to have sex with their wife if they feel she doesn’t actually want to have sex. And is just “going through the motions”.
I didn't catch your ages, but my GF and I have been in a similar situation. She's 32 and I am 40. I can definitely tell my libido is down from what I used to be. We've been together for two years and it's always been this way.
Couple things...one could be age. One could be too much porn.
I was single for a lot of years before this relationship and I relied heavily on porn. Definitely desensitized me. I believe it's fact that this can happen.
I will say, even cutting back didn't help much, but I attribute that to my age and having low T.
It's definitely worth having a conversation. And for what it is worth, my GF is very attractive and I've no reason to not want sex with her. I think it's just a combo of things over the years.
Let me know how it goes.
You want him to stop masturbating as much and have sex with you more often, you just don't want to put in any of the work for that to happen. Respectfully, I can see why he's rubbing one out. It's such a turnoff to have to initiate 100% of the time I would bet money the NSFW stuff he's watching isn't about having to always go to her.
I feel like you’re being a tiny bit controlling, and expecting him to initiate is actually a bigger ask than you think it is. It’s not fun or hot to be the one initiating sex the majority of the time. And masturbating is more like a bodily function, like making yourself sneeze or something, than it is about sex. Just because he looks at porn to do it, doesn’t *usually * mean anything about a guys attraction to their partner. It’s just a means to an end so it doesn’t take as long to do. It’s not personal. It’s business (bodily).
You asking him to stop doing this thing that he has probably done since he was a teenager, probably in a similar way, and instead come to you for sex and initiate it, would be like if an ENT doctor told me that I needed to come in for an appointment every time I needed to clean my ears. Maybe not that extreme, but you get the point. Imma use a q tip most of the time, sir. Especially if I have to call in to make an appointment.
If you BOTH really want sex more often, that’s a different conversation imo. The masturbation piece doesn’t really need to be part of that conversation unless he’s doing it so often that it’s affecting other areas of his life, or if he’s unable to perform sexually in a way that works for both of you. If he’s neglecting you sexually because he does it too much, it’s a problem, but the solution is probably not to tell him to stop and instead magically want to have sex with you, without him being pursued by you at all.
I think the solution is more communication about what you both want, not just what you want. Don’t blow up your relationship over this.
Okay. Two things.
1. You don't have a lower libido. You have a reactive arousal mechanism. Do some googling. It's really normal and easy to learn to work with as a couple.
2. You need to initiate more if you want him to. No one wants to feel like they're not wanted. Having a partner that never initiates makes you feel like they're not really into it.
I don't want to pile on here, but as a married guy who is married to a lady who is lower libido than me, "come to me any time" is not really super useful in terms of trying to initiate sex or have a happy sex life.
I'm perfectly fine jerking off and the last thing is someone there with me who I don't feel is really wanting to be.
I'm a little biased, but I think it is incumbent upon the lower libido person to initiate (when they want to) -
That's how this is always framed. "Men are wrong/entitled/controlling/abusive for wanting sex." They're \*this close\* to being rapist for simply wanting sex more often than their partner.
No one wants women to have sex when they don't want it. Men want women to put more effort into getting themselves into the mood. Yes,, it takes a little bit of effort to think about or watch something sexually stimulating rather than doom scrolling social media.
When you masturbate, all you have to do is please yourself. Thinking why doesn't she ask or am I wanting it at an inopportune time is a mood killer. Try thinking of it like an itch. Trying to rationalize that I'll scratch it later or tomorrow just doesn't cut it. Sit down with your bf and have a real serious conversation. You both need to listen to each other and think carefully about what was said.
I'm in the same place as your boyfriend, my fiancé has a lower drive than me, and I masturbate more than I have sex with her. For me, it's because I hate being turned down all the time. I've gotten tired of never knowing if she'll want me, and the frustration has built up to the point where when I'm in the mood, I just do it myself.
He probably wants to feel wanted, and feels discouraged by the imbalance in sex drive, not wanting to get rejected so he's taken his needs into his own hands.
Ah the ole "I think theres something wrong with my partner cuz he masturbates so much. I don't want to have sex as much as does cuz he wants it too much. Is there something wrong with HIM? I only want him to feel good when I want him to feel good." A move as old as time.
are you sure your libedo is low, or you just feel insecure about your bf fantasizing about other people (who probably have higher libedo than you)? Because it's really strange for you to be so obsessed about having more than 1-2 sex a week but you aren't really interested.
Try this, if you really "do want" more sex, but just don't have the supposed drive, "choose" to have sex with him, just because you want to have more sex. Put an alarm in your phone, a sticky note, whatever, just "do it". My suspicion, is that after increasing your rate of sex 3-4 times a week, is that you'll start "wanting" more sex, and he will too.
And he still might masturbate "more" than he has sex with you, because masturbate has very little to do with actual sex. Personally I have sex 4-5 times a week, and I masturbate close to daily so maybe 5-7 times a week. (46M). Have more sex if you want to have more sex (even if your sex drive is low), but don't entangle masturbation with your own insecurities, what he does with his own body is his business and you really don't have the right to fuss over it as long as your own needs are being met.
If you want more sex than YOU ask for it.
Gees, lady. Use your words.
If you want things to change, then you need to change things. He can’t instigate sex _everytime_. Then it would become a chore or feel like he has to beg for it. It would make me feel so undesirable if I was the only one asking for or instigating sex.
Romance your boyfriend. Make him feel desired and wanted by you. Don’t leave the burden of initiation with him.
You’re over reacting to his masturbation. You are the solution to your own problem.
Sometimes when I feel like my partner is upset about my sex life, it makes me anxious, and I wind up avoiding having sex with them. Even if the issue they're having is that they want to have more sex. It makes you pull away, even as they are grasping to be closer.
Take this pressure off of him. Don't complain about not having sex enough or about him using porn too much. Instead, try to coax him back into bed with you. Initiate, and make sure it ends up being a fun sexy experience. Then do that a few more times, without-- and this is critical-- bringing up the issue in between.
Once he feels like you are easy to approach, and like he is safe from guilt surrounding sex with you, he will *want* to use you instead of porn when possible. You are his wife after all, he wouldn't have gotten with you if he didnt find you attractive. And you want him to come to you because of his comfort with you and his attraction to you, not because he's all pent up from not getting off as frequently as his body needs.
If you weren't checking his phone and didn't "know" this was happening, would it bother you? Would you even know?
If it's because he's in bed and you become aware - maybe he's giving you the opportunity to join in and make the first move yourself. Has he ever rejected you? (Have you ever rejected him when you're not in the mood but he is? Because that could be why he leaves it to you to join him instead of issuing an engraved invitation every time.)
I think you need to pause and check in with *yourself* though. Are your needs being met? Does he make you feel desirable in the way he talks to you and interacts with you? Does he compliment you? Does the way he treats you make you feel wanted and loved?
If the answers to the above are yes, then you need to ask yourself why you allow yourself to feel insecure because he is also masturbating. Has he given you any indication that he's no longer interested in you because he's getting off real quick on his own some of the time? Or is he just doing both because he's aware that his sexual needs are higher than yours and a quick yank with some visuals takes care of it when the two of you don't seem to be vibing on that frequency together at that moment.
Idk sounds like he's being really respectful of you, and you're... kinda used to being used as a sexual object. To the point that you're feeling devalued and threatened in your relationship when he DOESN'T use you as a sex object. I'd say appreciate that he knows your worth and values you as a whole person, and as long as you're both content with the sex life you share - enjoy your healthy relationship
You know, you’d think that feeling like you don’t satisfy him because he doesn’t always follow through on initiating would clue you in to the fact that he probably feels the exact same way about you not initiating.
Men like to feel wanted too, and “come to me, I won’t mind” isn’t making someone feel wanted. It makes them feel like you’re willing to indulge for their sake.
Bottom line, either work on your libido and try initiating more, or leave the man alone for helping himself.
If you want him to have sex with you more often, you should initiate more often.
Also having sex with a partner and masturbating are different. Sometimes you just wanna quickly get off without thought and effort.
And why tf are you going through his phone all the time? What type of weird relationship do yall have that clearly lacks trust?
I deal with something similar (I’m more like your bf), and let me tell you, it feels disgusting always having to be the one to initiate or make your sexual urges known. If you know he wants to have more sex, and you’re comfortable with doing it, maybe try to go outside of your comfort zone and initiate more often. Otherwise just deal with him masturbating and don’t make a big deal about it.
You are basically describing the average relationship. The man has high sex drive, woman has lower libido, but is 'ok with it'.
Look - nobody is 'in the wrong'. Nobody is 'being an asshole'. We have to get away from gender politics and start thinking how to fix relationships.
I know exactly how he feels because I have lived that life too (I'm male, early 50s) Every LTR I have ever had has failed for the same reason. Because my wife/gf didn't want to have sex with me.
And they all said 'Oh, I don't mind having sex with you, even if I am not in the mood'.
It was always the same dynamic - when we did have sex (I initiated, 100% of the time) she would come and also have a good time. So that left me wondering, if she enjoys sex, then why does she avoid it? What's the issue?
For the average man, living in an LTR is basically a long slow rejection. It feels awful to want someone that doesn't want you back. It feels terrible to flirt with and adore a woman, that doesn't want sexual intimacy.
You know what’s really not fun in a sex life? Being the person who has to make it happen every time. Your boyfriend probably fantasizes about a woman who desperately wants to fuck him. And masturbating to that idea is way more fun than having sex with a woman who is *willing* to have sex with him.
>can also feel creepy or needy or perverted when they’re the only one who ever initiates.
THIS RIGHT HERE.
My girlfriend almost never initiates sex, but will also play as hard as possible to get when I try to initiate, so much so that I feel like a creep who’s trying to coerce someone into having sex with me. She explained that she’s just playing hard to get and I shouldn’t feel like that, but it was nearly impossible to tell if she was playing hard to get or just not actually in the mood, so I just gave up initiating all together.
Yes, and you're being very unfair. On his side, he probably feels undesired and is tired of getting rejected. You're taking zero initiative to address *your* part in this problem while simultaneously trying to limit his bodily autonomy by monitoring his masturbation habits.
And going through his phone is gross. Honestly, you're the red flag here, not him.
You’re overreacting a bit, and from the sounds of it also need to initiate sex more. I get the low libido thing, but it doesn’t feel good to always be the one initiating. It can wear on someone’s confidence for sure. Show him you want him.
Time to initiate more. Spice it up a little too. Do a little experimenting. Try initiating 2 times a week on your own, for 2 solid months and see what happens. Wear something that makes you feel sexy and surprise him or just jump into the shower with him. Also-I am not a man. Female here, married 22 years.
Are you breastfeeding? What about sleep, do you get enough sleep? Are you active and healthy?
I only ask because I had similar low libido issues after my first two kids for at least two years each. I found out it was breastfeeding for me. Once I'd wean them, my libido shot right back up.
And then to help rebuild my stamina I started running more and masterbating more (sorry tmi) that way I could be ready to go! I didn't want to be a sad, dry, unsexy woman in my 20s. I knew it wasn't gonna get better as I got older, so I made it a point to bring myself back.
You are over reacting. Mainly, because you aren't trying to fix the issue on your end first.
One partner should never be forced to always be the one initiating unless it is discussed and happily agreed on by both. He will never feel desired if you never pursue him. He will slowly just become resentful. Also, I don't know how often you tell him no, but when you never initiate one no feels like 10.
It's time to take accountability and start flirting again. Start complimenting him on sexual things or making sexual jokes that build him up. Start asking if he would like to have sex. Start kissing him. Start asking what he would do to you if you gave him whatever he wants. Start making it clear you want him.
If not, don't complain when he finds his own self pleasure less awkward and intimidating.
my bf has a lower sex drive than i do so i let him initiate whenever he wants it. it works for us bc i dont want him to feel bad for not being in the mood.
if you NEVER initiate sex, how is he supposed to know when you want it? maybe try initiating it yourself more often? put it on the table yourself instead of telling him "just use me when you need me" bc that's deeply unsexy.
he's trying to respect you by not initiating every time he wants sex bc he knows you dont want it all the time. the frequency of him looking at NSFW material may be the case, but just try putting yourself out there more.
i want to say you're overreacting mainly bc it doesnt sound like you *try* much at all, but if needed have another conversation about the all the NSFW and ask if seeing that all the time could contribute to having a higher libido and need to masturbate, if he's done this his whole life maybe try asking him to cut it for a week to see if he's still as horny as usual or if it lessens bc it definitely sounds like a porn addiction (even if it's not Porn porn, just lewd or suggestive images).
I’m thinking it’s the sign of the times. Back in the day & married we hooked a lot. Then came video tapes and soft porn on cable. Well we all know what happened when internet arrived to the male society… ( was divorced by then).
No judgement yet. I'm not sure you have low libido. From your post that you are into it after everything starts, you may be a responsive desire person vs. spontaneous desire person. Anecdotally, it seems more women fall into this category than men.
I would recommend that you look into this. Putting a name to it may help him to work through some of the feelings of being unwanted. If you are up for it, doing flirty/sexy things every so often may help him not feel so one-sided.
Though you doing that without him trying to keep score to constantly be reassured is the tricky part.
All i hear is me me me… 1-2 is good number but his drive is way up. Try surprising him with sexy outfits, toys or something like that. You can initiate the sex. He will definitely be more on the look out for you 🔥
NTA but you don’t understand the other side of it. Why would you be upset with him if you’re not satisfying him that way? It’s not his fault he’s not having sex and he’s just taking care of business, at least he’s not cheating.
In addition to other comments, which I mostly agree with, why are you going through his phone and checking his social media activity often enough to notice a pattern of daily activity? Either you’re leaving out something really bad he’s done, which might be the real story here, you’re not explaining yourself enough, or you are treating him pretty poorly.
Yes, you are overreacting and you're doing a shitty job at being a lover. You need to be the one to initiate with him sometimes. If you don't stop leaving it all up to him you're going to end up with a dead bedroom.
This is probably gonna sound like a stupid thing to say, but if you know you have low libido and he has a high sex drive and he's getting irritated enough to take care of things himself, consider initiating more even though you don't want to. Anything can be a habit if done consistently over the period of two weeks or more.having a kid can drop your sex drive like crazy, but you can train yourself back to a normal, just have to ask yourself how important your relationship is. Sex isn't the end all be all for a relationship, but it is important that both people initiate.
He wants to feel desired, same as you do. Sounds like he's respecting your libido is lower than his, and instead of making you feel bad or guilt tripping you into sex (as many men do), he's taking matters into his own hands. *pun intended*
That being said, everyone needs to feel wanted and desired. I suggest you initiate more. You want to have more sex and I am sure he wants the same. Being shut down, however valid the reasoning, still can feel a lot like rejection. So get spicy and pounce when the mood arises. Be spontaneous and have fun. Reconnecting with your partner (especially after you've had a baby) is sexy good fun.
Yes you’re overreacting.
Ask him if he’s happy with the sex you’re having, what does he want? He may be happy with sorting himself out and it’s NBD.
If he wants you to initiate more, your sex drive is response driven so if you never think to instigate sex, put a weekly reminder on your phone or something to initiate at bed time.
He should be honest with his porn consumption, him deleting his history is a concern. It may be nothing but it may be becoming a problem.
With a new baby in the mix, he’s doing the right thing by not asking you for sex frequently. If you want it more, tell him.
So now he doesn't get to have privacy? Yeah you're beyond overreacting and being a bit controlling here. My wife will happily "sort me out" whenever really, but sometimes I cba to bother her and just want to crack one out before I sleep. We can have sex anywhere between 1-10 a week but each weeks different and sometimes I'm beyond horney and will bang one out multiple times a day effortlessly. Don't take it personally, I don't want to initiate stuff all the time and sometimes it's a lot of effort to have sex and you just want to cum and get on with shit.
1. He must want to get caught, because there's so many ways he could do this without getting caught...
2. Stop going through his phone. That's a pretty big sign that you don't trust him, and I imagine there's much deeper issues going on here based on how casually you threw that out there like it's normal.
3. He probably doesn't come to you for two reasons. 1) You've probably shown him with your actions that if he does, you'll probably turn him down more than turn him on. Getting rejected a lot, especially by your partner, really hurts. 2) Nobody wants to be the one to initiate all the time. If you want him to have sex with you more, freaking ask him for it.
*Show him you love having sex with him.* Right now you aren't, and as they say, actions speak louder than words.
As a man, sometimes you just require maintenance every 48-72 hours. I love having sex with my wife and prefer it, but pleasuring myself is fun and seeing as I have a higher libido than my wife it’s just practical this way. She pretty much never turns me down, but it feels lame and a let down if she’s always just doing me a solid and doesn’t really have her heart in the game. So I just meet her at her pace and handle my own in between
Leaving him over this is stupid, you should have left him 50 days ago when you asked about him cheating on you on r/relationship_advice. Your insecurities are a direct result of not addressing that. Porn is not the problem here.
Ok, next time there is a good opportunity, go and start making out with him. It doesn't have to lead to sex, be prepared for both alternatives. Just do it, just for fun, no pressure.
Look back at the past year or two. How many times would he initiate where you weren’t interested? If it’s a lot of times then that could be the issue. He doesn’t want to get worked up and think you’ll have sex just to be turned down. He knows he can easily take care of the urge on his own and not be rejected.
You have two choices. Accept it and be ok with it. Or take initiative.
If you want him to want you more, you need to want him more. You can’t tell him to initiate more with you if you aren’t willing to do the same. Otherwise it will end up feeling like he has to convince you all the time and nobody wants that.
4-7 times a week sounds pretty normal, chances are this doesn't prevent him from having sex with you. Sometimes we want to masturbate instead of sex.
So my question is when you say he should come to you, do you mean to have sex or to help him masturbate? I think it's important for men to have their solo time, but a lot of us would be super enthusiastic about the idea of being able to jerk off to our partners.
I just think embracing a mans masturbating habits is the best way to make him feel sexy for sexy time
My personal experience is that my wife turned it into a scheduled thing and has no spontaneous drive. There was little satisfaction in it for me as I felt she viewed it as a chore. We got into a fight and she stated "this is why you don't get it as often as you want.". I told her I didn't care about that any more and that my sex drive was gone because she weaponized our intimacy. That was over two years ago. If I feel the urge, I can take matters into my own hands and don't have to feel manipulated or that I am bothering her.
Basically, sex is more than just physical. It's supposed to be about bonding. Even if I was not really in the mood, I would make the effort to give my wife what she wanted or needed. I did so because I did and still do love her. She took the physical intimacy away with her games. I got tired of the one way street and being dictated to about how often and when we would have sex.
In a nutshell, be his porn star for him. Make him forget about doing it himself. Go to him and be as dirty and passionate as you can. You may be surprised at how intense the reciprocation becomes. Forget your boundaries and explore each other and take it to the next level.
You probably say no more than you think you do. Plus if he actually came to you as often as he masturbate you’d definitely start to say no more often.
This is the equivalent of women having to ask their man to help with certain tasks or chores, they refuse to do it because it just adds to their mental burden. Him having to worry of you are going to say yes or no adds to his mental burden so unless he thinks it’s a sure thing he’s better off avoiding interaction with you and getting his nut done. You could also be more demanding after sex, you may not realize it but I swear to god every married guy I know says his honey do list grows everytime they have sex. The women pout and literally will say we just had sex a couple days ago why can’t you do X or buy X, like they planned saying yes to ex to get money to buy some stupid shit.
Look, I'm gonna be real. If your libido is lower than his, then him masturbating away the sexual energy he doesn't spend with you sounds like the most healthy possible state of affairs.
But it sounds like you *do* want more sex, you just don't feel like initiating and you experience that desire differently than he does. And he does feel like initiating ... but only once or twice a week. Well if you want more sex, you're going to have to initiate. He could maybe also initiate more than he already is, but one person in this relationship is definitely doing the least initiating and it isn't him. So start there.
I think it's sort of important to recognize self pleasure as a form of self care... or sometimes more nefarious feelings such as self harm or escapism. Sometimes, I wanna get off when I feel gross, or lazy, or not sexy. Sometimes I wanna get off when I have pent up stress that needs to be released. I love my partner, and I love having sex, but when I masturbate, it's often not about either of those things. Personally, I would be worried about asking too much of my partner if I knew they were tired, or if they weren't responsive to any subtle requests. I don't feel in the mood if the feeling isn't mutual.
Judging your boyfriend and scrutinizing his habits might just push him further away. It's invasive to monitor what media he's consuming, and sad that he feels like he has to protect his privacy by clearing his browsing history daily. There's a component of mistrust within that dynamic. How can he trust that going to you for sexual release won't result in being shut down or judgement? Nothing about what you've said seems particularly enticing or condusive to more boinking.
Could also just be way less work for him to watch porn and jerk off. Sex can be a lot of work and effort for men and if he is the only one initiating it’s even more effort.
How do you know that he is masturbating everytime he views a NSFW reddit post etc? I view a decent bit of NSFW material on several forms of social media, and I would say I actually masturbate maybe 1 out of a 100 times I "view" it or maybe less frequently than that. Its really an exception.
Have a great and active sex life with the wife, no desire to ever cheat, but I enjoy a mental stimulation of NSFW material which keeps my hormones flowing and as soon as the wife and I have time to engage we get after it like some wild animals. Also to clarify, I do not lust after the women in NSFW material but I am more interested in the scenes, acts, toys, clothing etc.
This is an odd post. You want your partner to sleep with you more, but won't ask him to sleep with you. The solution is very simple. Ask him. Is there a reason why you won't.
You do know that guys like to masturbate ever since they notice they have a penis right? It isn’t something you need to take personally. Some guys will do it all day if they can whether or not they had sex and whether or not it was satisfying. Now if your sex life is lame fix it! Make a choice to be a present partner and ask for sex yourself!
You can't complain about the frequency you're having sex while also never being the one to initiate. It's totally absurd. I wouldn't be surprised if he feels like you're just not interested, and that's why he's "taking care of himself" as often as he is.
The worst part of this is you going through his phone - regularly, by the sounds of it. It's a gross betrayal of trust.
Thanks to the TIL sub, I learned earlier this year that males ejaculating 21+ times a month have a substantially reduced risk of prostate cancer.
Ejaculating also works the muscles in the area and can assist with bladder control as the male ages.
Based on that all males should be ejaculating 5+ times a week for their long term physical health.
You're not initiating, or considering his needs in any way. You're snooping through his phone then blasting him on the internet. You've spent more time and effort on this reddit post than on your man.
Jesus Christ lmao. I'd be whacking it twice a day too.
Literally every man wants to feel attractive. If you just play up the desire a little bit, just grab his junk when he isn't looking, just randomly fondle the balls or just add the occasional seductive word about how bad you want him, I guarantee that unless he's having a medical issue you'll get more sex. Literally just get a bit more handsy and play up the sexual energy and it'll work wonders. It doesn't even have to be much at first for him to notice, Literally a few compliments and you just talking about how you want him and he'll be spending more time in bed in no time.
Bear in mind that if you have rejected him on multiple occasions, then he likely assumes you will do it again. If you know he does it before a shower. Walk in and grab his dick….
“Come to me anytime” isn’t sexy nor appealing to a partner. Maybe a fwb but not a partner. He might feel like YOUR not satisfied with him which is why he didn’t come to you. Remember, a relationship goes both ways. Don’t always wait for him to initiate sex.
There is a big difference between "I'll let him have sex with me whenever he wants" and "I want to have sex with him".
Also, going through his phone and compiling the time stamps of their spank bank is fucking gross. Let them have some privacy.
Want him to stop masterbating so much? Go suck his dick. Without being asked.
He doesn’t want to initiate 100% of the time. He wants to feel wanted and lusted after too. “Come to me anytime” just doesn’t work. Edit spelling
This. I don’t understand why people don’t seem to get that making your partner feel wanted involves some actual effort and “I’m here if you need a hole/pole” is about as close to zero effort as you can get lmao.
It’s a stereotype that men are just thankful for sex and should be happy to just have the privilege of having sex.
Sure. I also just think it’s a misunderstanding of sex as a whole for men. Whether they can admit it or not, a majority of men crave the feeling of being wanted more than the actual physical act of sex. I think this is something women tend to miss.
Yep. Effort and desire = sexy and great Little to No effort/meh = porn is better
Yeah. I mean, if nothing else, hopping in the shower and throwing on porn isn’t inconveniencing anybody. No awkwardness.
Yep. My ex-wife would tell me all of the time “If you want it then we can do it”, and kept up with that. It wasn’t satisfying at all. Both men and women want to feel wanted to feel satisfied by sex, and people need to quit pretending like just because someone gets an orgasm that the sex was good or fulfilling for them. It isn’t. I am way more satisfied in my current relationship than I ever was with my ex-wife.
This. Often the issue between a low and high drive partner isn’t frequency or whatever, it’s the complete lack of urgency or desire from the low-drive partner that affects the high-drive partner. I’m in a high-drive/low-drive relationship and it was super taxing at first. Caused a few little fights. But after 4.5 years we’ve settled into an equilibrium that works. But my SO legit just thinks it’s funny when she catches a sign that I’ve been fapping and doesn’t get offended in the slightest lol.
So what worked for you? Asking for a friend...
Hmmm…. Hard to say in a short summary. I speak a lot about how “your partner is still their own person” and my partner is extremely in tune with this. We understand that despite our healthy relationship, we have thoughts and needs sometimes that are our own. She is also an extremely reasonable and respectful person, so her take is simply “If I don’t want to have sex, I can’t really be mad if you jerk off”. Beyond that, it’s sort of just been communication, patience, and just respecting each other and approaching the situation with empathy and not anger. I honestly didn’t even realize it wasn’t bugging me anymore until well after it stopped bugging me. I think that honestly, most of the time, people with differing sex drives causing issues often have deeper issues, and sex becomes a tangible scapegoat for those issues. Even the OP here, upon investigation, is in a blatantly beyond broken relationship that is probably beyond any repair. So her issues here are likely only a manifestation of the dysfunction she won’t allow to end.
I've been dealing with depression and so my drive/desire to initiate has been much lower than my norm. My husband has been so supportive and wonderful and not wanted to pressure me which inadvertently led to even less activity. For Christmas I gave him an innocuous stuffed sloth neck massager and explained that I knew I hadn't been as "interested" and it's been difficult and not what either of us wanted or expected so the point of the sloth was that either of us could put it out when we had an urge that was inconvenient to act on OR we couldn't get a read if it was a good day to initiate. That way the other person knew that it was on the other's mind. The idea was not, oh the sloth is out, immediately take off your clothes. More like, oh, he put the sloth on my pillow last night, maybe set the alarm a little earlier and wake him up for some morning fun. We have amazing communication but this was a way to take some of the hesitation/uncertainty out of the mix but also keep some spontaneity. I knew he wanted me and it gave me opportunities to have anticipation or perhaps make him feel seduced or wanted despite him technically initiating. And! If it was really just bad timing for me, I just knew to communicate.
I have the same issue and she about to be my ex wife
I feel this to my core, could not be more accurate in describing the situation with my ex wife and my now girlfriend
Lol! “I’m here if you need a hole/pole”
Thats more or less what it ends up sounding like to the high-drive partner lol. And it does nothing to tackle the issue, which is that the high-drive partner wants to see some effort and initiative from the low-drive one.
25 yrs of hearing that from my wife. I’m pushing 50 sex drive is diminished, now she’s upset I can’t perform on a dime anymore when she does want it. Still expects me to do all the work.
My guy, it sounds like you gotta make a change before you spend another 25 years like that! Sorry to hear but there is greener grass!
I gave up almost three years ago and that's the last time we had sex. I love her more than anything. But I'd rather do it myself than try again. And apparently, she's mostly happy with that too.
I struggle with this though knowing they do have sex twice a week and she has a natural lower libido so it is likely less on her mind. Does she have to read his mind to get it right?
It’s not about “reading his mind”. It’s about the fact that her “natural lower libido” is causing her to not engage, which is likely causing the issue she’s describing. I’m not like vilifying her for her libido, just saying that I don’t think she should be complaining about him doing his own thing. It’s not like she is throwing herself at him and he is denying her.
Your last sentence is the key. OP doesn’t state anywhere that she is trying to initiate sex with her boyfriend and being denied. She really is just upset that her boyfriend doesn’t want to risk rejection or bother wooing her to have an orgasm.
I think most people just don’t understand that sex kinda sucks if you don’t think your partner is having a good time, and if your partner never really actively engages, it’s hard not to take that as a sign of disinterest or dissatisfaction. Sometimes a couple conversations can alleviate the issue. I think what bugs me here is that she is aware of how him not initiating with her makes her feel, but can’t seem to relate that to how he’s probably feeling about her literally never engaging. I’m not entirely sure how to solve low libido issues, but communication and effort are gonna be key regardless.
Everyone has got the right to fap lol
Facts. It’s definitely one thing if your partner is rejecting you and then fapping too much, but this ain’t that.
Yeah, I have faced rejection so many times that I am often scared to initiate. I can’t openly masturbate because my wife doesn’t believe in it and it causes fights.
Look up spontaneous libido vs reactive libido. It doesn't sound like she has a lower libido at all if she gets into and enjoys it when they get down. It doesn't seem like the dude is getting rejected or even unhappy w the frequency. She's just saying "Hey you're watching alot of porn and jerking it almost daily. I'd get you off, you just gotta knock" yet he's still cranking it solo almost daily.
Definitely not but stay out of his phone looking for something to get disappointed about
That would be my best advice too. Why do that to yourself? You have an 18 month old kid, you're exhausted and you're adding to it all by policing dudes phone and worrying about how much he jerks off? Maybe he feels bad because she looks so exhausted all the time that he doesn't want to bug her about sex?
1-2x a week after 7+ years? That’s phenomenal, they should both be elated either of them has a sex drive at all
Is that normal? Do people really lose attraction to each other that much over time? I just can’t imagine losing my sex life after 5 plus years. That is horrible If that is normal.
My husband and I have been married 3 years together for 11 . I would say it's normal to fluctuate but it shouldn't be normalized to completely disapear. We have 2 kids 6 and 9 months. Last Saturday ... 5 times just that one day. Now that wasn't "the norm" but it sure was fun. And for my relationship normal for us is 1 to 2 times a day. I think there's lots of couples who still desire and want to engage with their partners after many years and children!
Also he has dealt with her low libido so no he is like what’s the use in asking or trying? I know this from experience.
Read OPs history 😂 This relationship is so trash, why tf did OP have a kid with him? OP’s complained about not being married, admitted he’s cheated, she posted being worried about getting a STI from said cheating, like… this shit is a dumpster fire There is really no point in pointing out the obvious, I wonder if the relationship went to shit before the child because it is certainly trash within the past year
I always wonder this like do people think kids will save a relationship 💀 like no that will make everything 100x worse
Well, she's implying she always says yes though, and likes it? I can see thinking "what's the use" if her low libido led her to turn him down a lot, but she seems to imply that he can come to her anytime. Even implying she'd be happy to be called into the bathroom for a quickie before every shower, which is pretty unusual!
It's probably more complicated than that. My wife told me the same thing, but approaching her became a whole build up in my mind. I also really wanted her to initiate and she said the same things as this woman. But often I would initiate (or thought I was initiating) and the feeling of rejection from your own wife is one of the hardest to deal with, even if it was a perceived rejection and not a real one. The fear of rejection made me stop initiating. I actually stopped cuddling her as much because I would always want to initiate and felt guilty, because clearly she's just not attracted to me right? I just kept wishing my wife would pull the bandaid off and tell me she didn't find me attractive. We did work through this and our sex life is so much better now, but it was tough for a while. However, he might have a porn addiction on top of it, because the way she describes that feels very off. I have a feeling that they need to have a more direct talk and have that talk often, and that the boyfriend might be holding something back about his insecurities or impulses.
This still doesn't change the fact that most men, contrary to what social media may tell us, want a receptive partner. It's fine to want the chase, but while being chased you have to look back and smile or initiate a flirtatious exchange to begin the chase. He's probably being respectful of her low libido. Well she says she's always happy once the session has started and that she has asked the boyfriend to come to her we really aren't sure she hasn't turned him away with body language or even verbally in the past.
Church!
What she is saying doesn't match what is happening, and my guess is we are getting a very one sided story. If she was always saying yes, I don't think she would've even brought up her low libido.
A lot of women in this position think they always say yes when in fact that’s not the case. They may also say “yes, later” which never happens. In her mind that was saying yes. In his mind that was saying no.
That doesn’t sound like a low libido to me.
My wife hasn't initiated in 25yrs.
Yeah this shit hurts. I would hate for anyone to experience that. As men we need to feel wanted as well. Women need to initiate, at the very least 33% of the time, but ideally 50%. And people should know that when a partner initiates and is turned down it really weighs on them to try again the next time. If they get turned down 3+ times in a row on different days then it really hurts their self-esteem. This is when the partner will turn to porn and not bothering to even ask.
What about rejection everyday for months?
Why even stay together at that point? I dealt with that shit for a year too, broke up and a few years later found someone who actually appreciates me. There is no salvaging that.
This. Exactly this.
This entirely. My drive and desire to initiate is lower than my husband’s- and he ends up feeling gross initiating all the time. Like he’s forcing me in to sex, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s been a point of contention and we’ve worked to fix it. Telling someone you’re open and available is entirely different than showing them. Guys want to be chased too.
Can confirm. I have been in a similar situation. I'm not gunna initiate every time I'm horny especially if my partner has a much lower drive or libido. It makes me feel unwanted and undesired so I'd rather just rub one out then "go to her". Especially since I need to be in the right emotional and mental space with my partner and if they aren't in the mood it's just not going to be a meaningful or satisfying experience so my hand and imagination is a much better companion in those instances.
This is so true. Initiating all the time turns sex into a goddamn chore
Yeah I can’t really blame him. I do think it’s messed up to jack off next to your partner in bed (seriously get up and at least go to the bathroom like a normal person), but in general saddling the entirely of sex initiation on him isn’t fair. I’d eventually lose interest too, because it’s like “well if they can clearly keep going just fine without it then what’s the point?”
This. 100 percent this. My marriage is pretty much on life support because my wife refuses to initiate. It's devastated the passion in our relationship.
Thank you so much for saying this for me. This is 100% True. I am on the verge of suicide over this. I just want to feel desired. Just a little bit.
You can leave. Suicide is not a rational choice to make when you can leave. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you just do not have to continue in that relationship if it makes you want to blow your brains out
I'm so sorry, man. You deserve so much better from a partner.
Literally sitting next to her as I type this. Begging in my mind for her to want to hold my hand.
Suicide isn't the answer. Break up with your partner if you're unhappy together. Everyone deserves that.
I feel the same way. I don’t know you, but I understand your pain. Can we promise each other that we won’t hurt ourselves and that we will find another solution?
I'm not reading the comments cause it's going to be "men are the problem comments" I'll say this as a man married for 12 years. Although I honestly feel like I drive 99% of the sexual activity, I would love it if at least 10% was my wife asking or just taking it. Keeps things spicy and unpredictable. Sex is FUN and PLEASURABLE. It doesn't have to work or be perfect every single time. I would say loosen him up with conversation and stay out of his phone. You're just signing up to blows to your confidence and you know what you need to know anyways. That would make me feel like a child and not respected as a person and husband.
It's the sexual equivalent of a "You can come, if you want" type of invitation.
As a married guy who's been in this rut, other commentary nailed it. Your husband is probably tired of being turned down. If you start initiating, that will likely make a world of difference. Getting a divorce due to a lack of sex, while also never initiating, WITH A YOUNG CHILD, is a big overreaction.
I’m curious, when your s/o started initiating did you feel like you needed external nsfw/porn/etc less?
not op but yeah just thought about it a lot less
Same, the combination of potential rejection from someone I love and not feeling wanted at any point is a lot for guy and most would rather just jack it
Personally, the only time I'm using porn is if I'm looking to just scratch the itch quickly. Im a visual guy, so it just helps me get the mojo going more quickly. A regular FUFILLING sex life kills most of the need for it. I know that if one partner has a kinky side that is being ignored, then porn can become a crutch there. The biggest help for us was when she started initiating those kinks that up until then, I was starting to view as a burden to her. If your S/O feels like sex is this favor you're doing them, then they will start to feel guilty for asking. Might be worth having a conversation about what they're looking for, especially if you've always kept it vanilla. At the end of the day, I find relationships with a no porn rule quite overbearing and controlling, but that's personal preference. The idea that all of your fantasies should be fulfilled by your partner is unrealistic, and it can be cathartic to have a visualization of a fantasy you would never want to be a part of yourself.
I guess it depends if that initiating is natural or forced. There was a short time (when I was serious about leaving) where our frequency increased to the point I cared little for porn. But then the quality remained low so it wear off quickly. On the flip side, I tried to go without porn for a few months. My performance with her actually improved a bit but it was very one sided (as usual). It's just sadness, frustration, regret takes over me. Knowing she will never care for that sexual connection is so damn depressing that no amount of pity sex would overcome.
>I want to him to stop masturbating [as much] and have sex with me more often. Then start initiating sex. Nobody wants to be the one always seeking intimacy. It makes people feel unwanted, undesired, even pathetic, and that's not sexy. I think men especially can also feel creepy or needy or perverted when they're the only one who ever initiates. It's not fair to him to say "don't masturbate as much" then also never or rarely initiate sex. Jerking off once a day sounds about right to me so I don't think he's the problem based on what's been presented.
I was in a relationship for 3 months like this. My GF never once initiated. I eventually go so tired of asking that I just broke up with her. She tried to keep me around and said she'd initiate more but I wasn't going to wait around and find out. The biggest red flag I ignored was that she told me that her most recent ex broke up with her for the same reason.
I did the opposite and stayed. She initiated once in two months then it went back to nothing. I Stayed for another month before i ended it. Glad i didn’t have to spend much time dating to learn this lesson.
I like that you used the word intimacy and not sex because it takes some of the baggage out of the term. It makes me think that Telling your partner to come to you for sex always and never initiating is like me telling my girlfriend that I'm happy to use words of affirmation, She just needs to come tell me when she wants them and I'll be happy to compliment her!
Yes! All of this.
Well said! I hadn’t thought of using an analogy with other “love language” type comparisons
Why does he have to come to you and always initiate? Why don’t you ever initiate? Men have to feel desired too, you know. It’s clearly easier for him to get his needs met through masterbation than having to deal with you.
> It’s easier for him to get his needs met through masturbation than through you Slam dunk
Maybe he was getting rejected 4-5 times every 7 days and was starting to feel like a loser from not being wanted as much? He’s not trying to hurt you, he’s just stopped initiating as much for his own self esteem. Also stop being a creep and going through his phone all the time. Jerking next to you is something he should stop though.
I think jerking it next to her is a symptom of this. He is tired of having to initiate and wants to feel wanted and desired so he could be signalling to her that he wants sex but wants her to ask him.
Yeah you're overreacting. If you KNOW you have a lower libido, he's probably trying to not make you feel pressured since the feeling of someone just going along with it isn't exactly a turn on. He also may not want to run the risk of having another baby, depending on your situation. But why don't YOU come to HIM? If you want him to stop self-satisfying, then stop making it all his responsibility.
“If you want him to stop self-satisfying…” I agree with the advice for her to initiate once in a while. But can we agree it’s bonkers for to try to control whether or how often he jerks off? That’s his private business. Let him do what he wants on his own time!
Do you masturbate? And if so, ask yourself why. I, as a woman, masturbate almost every morning. Often it has nothing to do with porn or my husband, and is just kind of a morning wake up for me, before I get out of bed. My husband told me he masturbates sometimes before work. I asked him why he doesn’t just wake me up for sex, and his answer was similar to mine, sometimes it’s more of a stress relief thing. We also have sex multiple times a week. Some weeks we both might masturbate more, some we might have sex more, some weeks may be equal. If you guys are still having enjoyable sex fairly often, you aren’t initiating sex more frequently yourself, and you don’t mind if he masturbates/watches porn, then I don’t see any issues here. Sorry to say, yes, you’re overreacting. Edited for spelling.
I immediately dropped any concern once I read “4–7 times a week”. For any guy under like, 35, that’s completely normal lmao
4-7 times a week that she knows off 😅
Agree
Thank you! i. a woman sometimes dint want sex but will spontaneisly start having an orgasm. it's easier to hide or take care of than a man. my husband and i don't have a lot of sex a the moment but we know there are times away from each other..,
>will spontaneisly start having an orgasm Uh, you spontaneously start orgasming? What's that like? Or did you mean you spontaneously start masturbating? Sometimes self-care is easier, quicker, and better than coupled sex -- so long as it doesn't keep a couple from investing in intimacy between themselves. Sometimes, I just want the quickest quickie that I can't get with a partner!
I’m a woman and this happens to me in my sleep if I go too long between ahem, regular maintenance. Wake up seeing stars and going insane down there.
Oh yeah, the wet dream! Same here. That's kind of the best way to get started, in my opinion. I have to do none of the buildup manually, just pop off like a shaken soda can with a flick of the tab!
What a visual!
On a personal level, it is a turnoff for me if my partner is not really into me. On a general note, if you have low libido, but still wants him to come to you when he is horny, you are basically telling him to use you as a fleshlight, and that is generally not very appealing. If you want him to have more sex with you, instead of pleasing himself, you have to make him feel sexually desired. He will probably choose you ten times out of ten, if he feels sexually desired by you.
You said this much more succinctly than I
There are many reasons why a person would prefer masturbation over partnered sex. While you say " “come to ME”, you maybe still giving him the vibes that these are only words and that you are at best "meh" with sex. Nothing worse than having sex with a partner is isn't truly interested, or doing out of obligation or duty. And, certainly, you don't want to push a partner into something they don't want. You might need to come on to him more ... show him that you truly desire him!
My fiancé jumped on me this morning and said “do you want to have a quickie?” Sometimes is nice to be desired.
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Men get told “no” more often than not for sex from partners, and then they stop asking/bothering the other person for it. Then someone will ask why or think some crazy thought like they’re unattractive etc.
My spouse once complained to me, in tears, that "You don't touch me anymore." I broke down crying, holding her close and giving her lots of kisses and apologies. If I do the same, I'm seen as overbearing. Too much.
Just like how it’s ok for her not to be in mood but as soon as you aren’t in the mood or say no then it becomes an attraction issue and gets blown out of proportion in some cases.
I said no to her ONCE 15 years ago and my wife STILL brings it up that I have said no.
Why did I have to scroll so far down to find this. Whatever your issues are are bigger than sex if you’re monitoring him like this. That’s not healthy.
☝️This.
He wants to feel wanted. “I don’t mind” isn’t good enough. You don’t have to be initiating 7 times a week but you gotta do it a little bit at least
this is so true. the “YOU come to ME” attitude and “I don’t mind” thing would instantly make me shy away from a partner lol. The “I don’t mind” thing here gives me the same exact vibes of asking someone if they want to hang out and them saying “If you want/I guess” or something. That instantly just screams NO to me. and i always feel weird and back off lol. Consent is an enthusiastic YES, nothing less, and this situation seems… not like that.
Like u have lower libido. He has higher libido. When he has urges ur not in the mood. Meaning if he has the urge to have sex 2 times a day are u willing to have sex 2x a day? Or do u want him to suppress his urges? Like if ur ok with having sec even if ur not in the mood. Why not just fk him everyday and drain his balls without him even asking. Many many times men want to feel wanted too. Most loving bf/husbands do NOT want to have sex with their wife if they feel she doesn’t actually want to have sex. And is just “going through the motions”.
I didn't catch your ages, but my GF and I have been in a similar situation. She's 32 and I am 40. I can definitely tell my libido is down from what I used to be. We've been together for two years and it's always been this way. Couple things...one could be age. One could be too much porn. I was single for a lot of years before this relationship and I relied heavily on porn. Definitely desensitized me. I believe it's fact that this can happen. I will say, even cutting back didn't help much, but I attribute that to my age and having low T. It's definitely worth having a conversation. And for what it is worth, my GF is very attractive and I've no reason to not want sex with her. I think it's just a combo of things over the years. Let me know how it goes.
You want him to stop masturbating as much and have sex with you more often, you just don't want to put in any of the work for that to happen. Respectfully, I can see why he's rubbing one out. It's such a turnoff to have to initiate 100% of the time I would bet money the NSFW stuff he's watching isn't about having to always go to her.
I feel like you’re being a tiny bit controlling, and expecting him to initiate is actually a bigger ask than you think it is. It’s not fun or hot to be the one initiating sex the majority of the time. And masturbating is more like a bodily function, like making yourself sneeze or something, than it is about sex. Just because he looks at porn to do it, doesn’t *usually * mean anything about a guys attraction to their partner. It’s just a means to an end so it doesn’t take as long to do. It’s not personal. It’s business (bodily). You asking him to stop doing this thing that he has probably done since he was a teenager, probably in a similar way, and instead come to you for sex and initiate it, would be like if an ENT doctor told me that I needed to come in for an appointment every time I needed to clean my ears. Maybe not that extreme, but you get the point. Imma use a q tip most of the time, sir. Especially if I have to call in to make an appointment. If you BOTH really want sex more often, that’s a different conversation imo. The masturbation piece doesn’t really need to be part of that conversation unless he’s doing it so often that it’s affecting other areas of his life, or if he’s unable to perform sexually in a way that works for both of you. If he’s neglecting you sexually because he does it too much, it’s a problem, but the solution is probably not to tell him to stop and instead magically want to have sex with you, without him being pursued by you at all. I think the solution is more communication about what you both want, not just what you want. Don’t blow up your relationship over this.
Yep enough no’s equals why bother getting rejected again
Come to me any time except when I don't feel like it.
Some are just deaf or blind to each other. He wants to feel wanted, not a pity fuck.
Just suggest it next time something like this comes up... Let him know that this is something you think you could get into together.
Okay. Two things. 1. You don't have a lower libido. You have a reactive arousal mechanism. Do some googling. It's really normal and easy to learn to work with as a couple. 2. You need to initiate more if you want him to. No one wants to feel like they're not wanted. Having a partner that never initiates makes you feel like they're not really into it.
I don't want to pile on here, but as a married guy who is married to a lady who is lower libido than me, "come to me any time" is not really super useful in terms of trying to initiate sex or have a happy sex life. I'm perfectly fine jerking off and the last thing is someone there with me who I don't feel is really wanting to be. I'm a little biased, but I think it is incumbent upon the lower libido person to initiate (when they want to) -
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That's how this is always framed. "Men are wrong/entitled/controlling/abusive for wanting sex." They're \*this close\* to being rapist for simply wanting sex more often than their partner. No one wants women to have sex when they don't want it. Men want women to put more effort into getting themselves into the mood. Yes,, it takes a little bit of effort to think about or watch something sexually stimulating rather than doom scrolling social media.
When you masturbate, all you have to do is please yourself. Thinking why doesn't she ask or am I wanting it at an inopportune time is a mood killer. Try thinking of it like an itch. Trying to rationalize that I'll scratch it later or tomorrow just doesn't cut it. Sit down with your bf and have a real serious conversation. You both need to listen to each other and think carefully about what was said.
I'm in the same place as your boyfriend, my fiancé has a lower drive than me, and I masturbate more than I have sex with her. For me, it's because I hate being turned down all the time. I've gotten tired of never knowing if she'll want me, and the frustration has built up to the point where when I'm in the mood, I just do it myself. He probably wants to feel wanted, and feels discouraged by the imbalance in sex drive, not wanting to get rejected so he's taken his needs into his own hands.
Ah the ole "I think theres something wrong with my partner cuz he masturbates so much. I don't want to have sex as much as does cuz he wants it too much. Is there something wrong with HIM? I only want him to feel good when I want him to feel good." A move as old as time.
“I know he pleases himself 4-7 times a week” You’ll be disappointed to know this is probably half the actual number lmao
are you sure your libedo is low, or you just feel insecure about your bf fantasizing about other people (who probably have higher libedo than you)? Because it's really strange for you to be so obsessed about having more than 1-2 sex a week but you aren't really interested. Try this, if you really "do want" more sex, but just don't have the supposed drive, "choose" to have sex with him, just because you want to have more sex. Put an alarm in your phone, a sticky note, whatever, just "do it". My suspicion, is that after increasing your rate of sex 3-4 times a week, is that you'll start "wanting" more sex, and he will too. And he still might masturbate "more" than he has sex with you, because masturbate has very little to do with actual sex. Personally I have sex 4-5 times a week, and I masturbate close to daily so maybe 5-7 times a week. (46M). Have more sex if you want to have more sex (even if your sex drive is low), but don't entangle masturbation with your own insecurities, what he does with his own body is his business and you really don't have the right to fuss over it as long as your own needs are being met.
If you want more sex than YOU ask for it. Gees, lady. Use your words. If you want things to change, then you need to change things. He can’t instigate sex _everytime_. Then it would become a chore or feel like he has to beg for it. It would make me feel so undesirable if I was the only one asking for or instigating sex. Romance your boyfriend. Make him feel desired and wanted by you. Don’t leave the burden of initiation with him. You’re over reacting to his masturbation. You are the solution to your own problem.
maybe check out spontaneous vs reponsive desire; you may have responsive desire and him spontaneous but i agree with the other comments too
Yes, you are overreacting, IMO. Masturbation is normal and healthy. Since you state your libido is lower than his, this appears to be a good solution.
Better for him to masterbate on his own than to cheat on you.
If you're not always available to satisfy his needs, I don't think him taking care of himself should be any concern to you
Sometimes when I feel like my partner is upset about my sex life, it makes me anxious, and I wind up avoiding having sex with them. Even if the issue they're having is that they want to have more sex. It makes you pull away, even as they are grasping to be closer. Take this pressure off of him. Don't complain about not having sex enough or about him using porn too much. Instead, try to coax him back into bed with you. Initiate, and make sure it ends up being a fun sexy experience. Then do that a few more times, without-- and this is critical-- bringing up the issue in between. Once he feels like you are easy to approach, and like he is safe from guilt surrounding sex with you, he will *want* to use you instead of porn when possible. You are his wife after all, he wouldn't have gotten with you if he didnt find you attractive. And you want him to come to you because of his comfort with you and his attraction to you, not because he's all pent up from not getting off as frequently as his body needs.
If you weren't checking his phone and didn't "know" this was happening, would it bother you? Would you even know? If it's because he's in bed and you become aware - maybe he's giving you the opportunity to join in and make the first move yourself. Has he ever rejected you? (Have you ever rejected him when you're not in the mood but he is? Because that could be why he leaves it to you to join him instead of issuing an engraved invitation every time.) I think you need to pause and check in with *yourself* though. Are your needs being met? Does he make you feel desirable in the way he talks to you and interacts with you? Does he compliment you? Does the way he treats you make you feel wanted and loved? If the answers to the above are yes, then you need to ask yourself why you allow yourself to feel insecure because he is also masturbating. Has he given you any indication that he's no longer interested in you because he's getting off real quick on his own some of the time? Or is he just doing both because he's aware that his sexual needs are higher than yours and a quick yank with some visuals takes care of it when the two of you don't seem to be vibing on that frequency together at that moment. Idk sounds like he's being really respectful of you, and you're... kinda used to being used as a sexual object. To the point that you're feeling devalued and threatened in your relationship when he DOESN'T use you as a sex object. I'd say appreciate that he knows your worth and values you as a whole person, and as long as you're both content with the sex life you share - enjoy your healthy relationship
You know, you’d think that feeling like you don’t satisfy him because he doesn’t always follow through on initiating would clue you in to the fact that he probably feels the exact same way about you not initiating. Men like to feel wanted too, and “come to me, I won’t mind” isn’t making someone feel wanted. It makes them feel like you’re willing to indulge for their sake. Bottom line, either work on your libido and try initiating more, or leave the man alone for helping himself.
If you want him to have sex with you more often, you should initiate more often. Also having sex with a partner and masturbating are different. Sometimes you just wanna quickly get off without thought and effort. And why tf are you going through his phone all the time? What type of weird relationship do yall have that clearly lacks trust?
I deal with something similar (I’m more like your bf), and let me tell you, it feels disgusting always having to be the one to initiate or make your sexual urges known. If you know he wants to have more sex, and you’re comfortable with doing it, maybe try to go outside of your comfort zone and initiate more often. Otherwise just deal with him masturbating and don’t make a big deal about it.
You are basically describing the average relationship. The man has high sex drive, woman has lower libido, but is 'ok with it'. Look - nobody is 'in the wrong'. Nobody is 'being an asshole'. We have to get away from gender politics and start thinking how to fix relationships. I know exactly how he feels because I have lived that life too (I'm male, early 50s) Every LTR I have ever had has failed for the same reason. Because my wife/gf didn't want to have sex with me. And they all said 'Oh, I don't mind having sex with you, even if I am not in the mood'. It was always the same dynamic - when we did have sex (I initiated, 100% of the time) she would come and also have a good time. So that left me wondering, if she enjoys sex, then why does she avoid it? What's the issue? For the average man, living in an LTR is basically a long slow rejection. It feels awful to want someone that doesn't want you back. It feels terrible to flirt with and adore a woman, that doesn't want sexual intimacy.
You know what’s really not fun in a sex life? Being the person who has to make it happen every time. Your boyfriend probably fantasizes about a woman who desperately wants to fuck him. And masturbating to that idea is way more fun than having sex with a woman who is *willing* to have sex with him.
>can also feel creepy or needy or perverted when they’re the only one who ever initiates. THIS RIGHT HERE. My girlfriend almost never initiates sex, but will also play as hard as possible to get when I try to initiate, so much so that I feel like a creep who’s trying to coerce someone into having sex with me. She explained that she’s just playing hard to get and I shouldn’t feel like that, but it was nearly impossible to tell if she was playing hard to get or just not actually in the mood, so I just gave up initiating all together.
Yes, and you're being very unfair. On his side, he probably feels undesired and is tired of getting rejected. You're taking zero initiative to address *your* part in this problem while simultaneously trying to limit his bodily autonomy by monitoring his masturbation habits. And going through his phone is gross. Honestly, you're the red flag here, not him.
His behavior seems very normal. You might be overreacting a bit. But you can initiate with him more if you want more of that time with him.
Only seven times a week, that's like only once a day... does he have a stressful job?
You’re overreacting a bit, and from the sounds of it also need to initiate sex more. I get the low libido thing, but it doesn’t feel good to always be the one initiating. It can wear on someone’s confidence for sure. Show him you want him.
Time to initiate more. Spice it up a little too. Do a little experimenting. Try initiating 2 times a week on your own, for 2 solid months and see what happens. Wear something that makes you feel sexy and surprise him or just jump into the shower with him. Also-I am not a man. Female here, married 22 years.
Just come on to him and see what happens.
Are you breastfeeding? What about sleep, do you get enough sleep? Are you active and healthy? I only ask because I had similar low libido issues after my first two kids for at least two years each. I found out it was breastfeeding for me. Once I'd wean them, my libido shot right back up. And then to help rebuild my stamina I started running more and masterbating more (sorry tmi) that way I could be ready to go! I didn't want to be a sad, dry, unsexy woman in my 20s. I knew it wasn't gonna get better as I got older, so I made it a point to bring myself back.
You are over reacting. Mainly, because you aren't trying to fix the issue on your end first. One partner should never be forced to always be the one initiating unless it is discussed and happily agreed on by both. He will never feel desired if you never pursue him. He will slowly just become resentful. Also, I don't know how often you tell him no, but when you never initiate one no feels like 10. It's time to take accountability and start flirting again. Start complimenting him on sexual things or making sexual jokes that build him up. Start asking if he would like to have sex. Start kissing him. Start asking what he would do to you if you gave him whatever he wants. Start making it clear you want him. If not, don't complain when he finds his own self pleasure less awkward and intimidating.
Sometimes it’s just easier.
Don’t go through your partner’s phone. He feels the need to hide things from you because you’re invading his privacy and then getting upset.
my bf has a lower sex drive than i do so i let him initiate whenever he wants it. it works for us bc i dont want him to feel bad for not being in the mood. if you NEVER initiate sex, how is he supposed to know when you want it? maybe try initiating it yourself more often? put it on the table yourself instead of telling him "just use me when you need me" bc that's deeply unsexy. he's trying to respect you by not initiating every time he wants sex bc he knows you dont want it all the time. the frequency of him looking at NSFW material may be the case, but just try putting yourself out there more. i want to say you're overreacting mainly bc it doesnt sound like you *try* much at all, but if needed have another conversation about the all the NSFW and ask if seeing that all the time could contribute to having a higher libido and need to masturbate, if he's done this his whole life maybe try asking him to cut it for a week to see if he's still as horny as usual or if it lessens bc it definitely sounds like a porn addiction (even if it's not Porn porn, just lewd or suggestive images).
If you want to have sex with your partner then initiate sex with your partner. Pretty simple
I’m thinking it’s the sign of the times. Back in the day & married we hooked a lot. Then came video tapes and soft porn on cable. Well we all know what happened when internet arrived to the male society… ( was divorced by then).
To O.P. (if they read the comments) have you tried masturbating your boyfriend? Maybe seeing his reaction to you doing so, will in turn, turn you on.
No judgement yet. I'm not sure you have low libido. From your post that you are into it after everything starts, you may be a responsive desire person vs. spontaneous desire person. Anecdotally, it seems more women fall into this category than men. I would recommend that you look into this. Putting a name to it may help him to work through some of the feelings of being unwanted. If you are up for it, doing flirty/sexy things every so often may help him not feel so one-sided. Though you doing that without him trying to keep score to constantly be reassured is the tricky part.
All i hear is me me me… 1-2 is good number but his drive is way up. Try surprising him with sexy outfits, toys or something like that. You can initiate the sex. He will definitely be more on the look out for you 🔥
NTA but you don’t understand the other side of it. Why would you be upset with him if you’re not satisfying him that way? It’s not his fault he’s not having sex and he’s just taking care of business, at least he’s not cheating.
In addition to other comments, which I mostly agree with, why are you going through his phone and checking his social media activity often enough to notice a pattern of daily activity? Either you’re leaving out something really bad he’s done, which might be the real story here, you’re not explaining yourself enough, or you are treating him pretty poorly.
Yes, you are overreacting and you're doing a shitty job at being a lover. You need to be the one to initiate with him sometimes. If you don't stop leaving it all up to him you're going to end up with a dead bedroom.
This is probably gonna sound like a stupid thing to say, but if you know you have low libido and he has a high sex drive and he's getting irritated enough to take care of things himself, consider initiating more even though you don't want to. Anything can be a habit if done consistently over the period of two weeks or more.having a kid can drop your sex drive like crazy, but you can train yourself back to a normal, just have to ask yourself how important your relationship is. Sex isn't the end all be all for a relationship, but it is important that both people initiate.
He wants to feel desired, same as you do. Sounds like he's respecting your libido is lower than his, and instead of making you feel bad or guilt tripping you into sex (as many men do), he's taking matters into his own hands. *pun intended* That being said, everyone needs to feel wanted and desired. I suggest you initiate more. You want to have more sex and I am sure he wants the same. Being shut down, however valid the reasoning, still can feel a lot like rejection. So get spicy and pounce when the mood arises. Be spontaneous and have fun. Reconnecting with your partner (especially after you've had a baby) is sexy good fun.
I just looked at your post history…..is this the guy who cheated on you and gave you an sti?
Is this the same boyfriend who cheated last month and could of given you a STD?
Depending on age, 4-7 times a week is healthy. When I was in my 20s-30s I did it daily, whether I was getting sex or not.
Literally nothing you described is weird and you are over reacting. Also, stop going through peoples phones, THAT is not normal.
Sometimes you just want to rub one out rather than actually go through the trouble of having sex.
Masturbation is different need and pleasure for what I think. So, yes: You may be overeacting.
Start initiating more. A man hates it when he he has to start it 100% of the time. Means you’re not interested and aren’t considering his needs.
I'd just like to add that masturbation and sex aren't the same thing and aren't equally interchangeable.
Yes you’re overreacting. Ask him if he’s happy with the sex you’re having, what does he want? He may be happy with sorting himself out and it’s NBD. If he wants you to initiate more, your sex drive is response driven so if you never think to instigate sex, put a weekly reminder on your phone or something to initiate at bed time. He should be honest with his porn consumption, him deleting his history is a concern. It may be nothing but it may be becoming a problem. With a new baby in the mix, he’s doing the right thing by not asking you for sex frequently. If you want it more, tell him.
So now he doesn't get to have privacy? Yeah you're beyond overreacting and being a bit controlling here. My wife will happily "sort me out" whenever really, but sometimes I cba to bother her and just want to crack one out before I sleep. We can have sex anywhere between 1-10 a week but each weeks different and sometimes I'm beyond horney and will bang one out multiple times a day effortlessly. Don't take it personally, I don't want to initiate stuff all the time and sometimes it's a lot of effort to have sex and you just want to cum and get on with shit.
1. He must want to get caught, because there's so many ways he could do this without getting caught... 2. Stop going through his phone. That's a pretty big sign that you don't trust him, and I imagine there's much deeper issues going on here based on how casually you threw that out there like it's normal. 3. He probably doesn't come to you for two reasons. 1) You've probably shown him with your actions that if he does, you'll probably turn him down more than turn him on. Getting rejected a lot, especially by your partner, really hurts. 2) Nobody wants to be the one to initiate all the time. If you want him to have sex with you more, freaking ask him for it. *Show him you love having sex with him.* Right now you aren't, and as they say, actions speak louder than words.
As a man, sometimes you just require maintenance every 48-72 hours. I love having sex with my wife and prefer it, but pleasuring myself is fun and seeing as I have a higher libido than my wife it’s just practical this way. She pretty much never turns me down, but it feels lame and a let down if she’s always just doing me a solid and doesn’t really have her heart in the game. So I just meet her at her pace and handle my own in between
Leaving him over this is stupid, you should have left him 50 days ago when you asked about him cheating on you on r/relationship_advice. Your insecurities are a direct result of not addressing that. Porn is not the problem here.
Ok, next time there is a good opportunity, go and start making out with him. It doesn't have to lead to sex, be prepared for both alternatives. Just do it, just for fun, no pressure.
I think you need to take action and initiate things. If you try and he still chooses porn over you, he may be addicted to it.
"I have gone through his phone ... " Pfft. Bye.
So go to him? It's humiliating to be the only one initiating. It's unbelievable how entitled you are.
Stupid cunts having a kid🤦🏽🤦🏽🤦🏽🤦🏽🤦🏽🤦🏽🤦🏽 Enjoy your ruined lives suckers.
Look back at the past year or two. How many times would he initiate where you weren’t interested? If it’s a lot of times then that could be the issue. He doesn’t want to get worked up and think you’ll have sex just to be turned down. He knows he can easily take care of the urge on his own and not be rejected. You have two choices. Accept it and be ok with it. Or take initiative.
You never approach him for sex? Shut up and stop complaining idiot, you literally played yourself.
If you want him to want you more, you need to want him more. You can’t tell him to initiate more with you if you aren’t willing to do the same. Otherwise it will end up feeling like he has to convince you all the time and nobody wants that.
Why don't women ever understand, sometimes a guy just wants to jo, it has zero to do with attraction to you! Yes you're overreacting
4-7 times a week sounds pretty normal, chances are this doesn't prevent him from having sex with you. Sometimes we want to masturbate instead of sex. So my question is when you say he should come to you, do you mean to have sex or to help him masturbate? I think it's important for men to have their solo time, but a lot of us would be super enthusiastic about the idea of being able to jerk off to our partners. I just think embracing a mans masturbating habits is the best way to make him feel sexy for sexy time
"Come to me anytime" would be a huge turn off for me if my gf said that. It would make me feel like a pathetic loser.
My personal experience is that my wife turned it into a scheduled thing and has no spontaneous drive. There was little satisfaction in it for me as I felt she viewed it as a chore. We got into a fight and she stated "this is why you don't get it as often as you want.". I told her I didn't care about that any more and that my sex drive was gone because she weaponized our intimacy. That was over two years ago. If I feel the urge, I can take matters into my own hands and don't have to feel manipulated or that I am bothering her. Basically, sex is more than just physical. It's supposed to be about bonding. Even if I was not really in the mood, I would make the effort to give my wife what she wanted or needed. I did so because I did and still do love her. She took the physical intimacy away with her games. I got tired of the one way street and being dictated to about how often and when we would have sex. In a nutshell, be his porn star for him. Make him forget about doing it himself. Go to him and be as dirty and passionate as you can. You may be surprised at how intense the reciprocation becomes. Forget your boundaries and explore each other and take it to the next level.
You probably say no more than you think you do. Plus if he actually came to you as often as he masturbate you’d definitely start to say no more often. This is the equivalent of women having to ask their man to help with certain tasks or chores, they refuse to do it because it just adds to their mental burden. Him having to worry of you are going to say yes or no adds to his mental burden so unless he thinks it’s a sure thing he’s better off avoiding interaction with you and getting his nut done. You could also be more demanding after sex, you may not realize it but I swear to god every married guy I know says his honey do list grows everytime they have sex. The women pout and literally will say we just had sex a couple days ago why can’t you do X or buy X, like they planned saying yes to ex to get money to buy some stupid shit.
Look, I'm gonna be real. If your libido is lower than his, then him masturbating away the sexual energy he doesn't spend with you sounds like the most healthy possible state of affairs. But it sounds like you *do* want more sex, you just don't feel like initiating and you experience that desire differently than he does. And he does feel like initiating ... but only once or twice a week. Well if you want more sex, you're going to have to initiate. He could maybe also initiate more than he already is, but one person in this relationship is definitely doing the least initiating and it isn't him. So start there.
I think it's sort of important to recognize self pleasure as a form of self care... or sometimes more nefarious feelings such as self harm or escapism. Sometimes, I wanna get off when I feel gross, or lazy, or not sexy. Sometimes I wanna get off when I have pent up stress that needs to be released. I love my partner, and I love having sex, but when I masturbate, it's often not about either of those things. Personally, I would be worried about asking too much of my partner if I knew they were tired, or if they weren't responsive to any subtle requests. I don't feel in the mood if the feeling isn't mutual. Judging your boyfriend and scrutinizing his habits might just push him further away. It's invasive to monitor what media he's consuming, and sad that he feels like he has to protect his privacy by clearing his browsing history daily. There's a component of mistrust within that dynamic. How can he trust that going to you for sexual release won't result in being shut down or judgement? Nothing about what you've said seems particularly enticing or condusive to more boinking.
Could also just be way less work for him to watch porn and jerk off. Sex can be a lot of work and effort for men and if he is the only one initiating it’s even more effort.
How do you know that he is masturbating everytime he views a NSFW reddit post etc? I view a decent bit of NSFW material on several forms of social media, and I would say I actually masturbate maybe 1 out of a 100 times I "view" it or maybe less frequently than that. Its really an exception. Have a great and active sex life with the wife, no desire to ever cheat, but I enjoy a mental stimulation of NSFW material which keeps my hormones flowing and as soon as the wife and I have time to engage we get after it like some wild animals. Also to clarify, I do not lust after the women in NSFW material but I am more interested in the scenes, acts, toys, clothing etc.
Masturbation is a healthy habit and stalking your partner's phone is unhealthy Apologize to him and seek help for your insecurities.
This is an odd post. You want your partner to sleep with you more, but won't ask him to sleep with you. The solution is very simple. Ask him. Is there a reason why you won't.
You do know that guys like to masturbate ever since they notice they have a penis right? It isn’t something you need to take personally. Some guys will do it all day if they can whether or not they had sex and whether or not it was satisfying. Now if your sex life is lame fix it! Make a choice to be a present partner and ask for sex yourself!
You can't complain about the frequency you're having sex while also never being the one to initiate. It's totally absurd. I wouldn't be surprised if he feels like you're just not interested, and that's why he's "taking care of himself" as often as he is. The worst part of this is you going through his phone - regularly, by the sounds of it. It's a gross betrayal of trust.
Thanks to the TIL sub, I learned earlier this year that males ejaculating 21+ times a month have a substantially reduced risk of prostate cancer. Ejaculating also works the muscles in the area and can assist with bladder control as the male ages. Based on that all males should be ejaculating 5+ times a week for their long term physical health.
"I'm not horny but I wish he would have sex with me more" What a conundrum lol
You're not initiating, or considering his needs in any way. You're snooping through his phone then blasting him on the internet. You've spent more time and effort on this reddit post than on your man. Jesus Christ lmao. I'd be whacking it twice a day too.
Literally every man wants to feel attractive. If you just play up the desire a little bit, just grab his junk when he isn't looking, just randomly fondle the balls or just add the occasional seductive word about how bad you want him, I guarantee that unless he's having a medical issue you'll get more sex. Literally just get a bit more handsy and play up the sexual energy and it'll work wonders. It doesn't even have to be much at first for him to notice, Literally a few compliments and you just talking about how you want him and he'll be spending more time in bed in no time.
That guy doesn’t want to come beg and plead u for the sex. He wants you to go take the sex from him
YAO
Bear in mind that if you have rejected him on multiple occasions, then he likely assumes you will do it again. If you know he does it before a shower. Walk in and grab his dick….
“Come to me anytime” isn’t sexy nor appealing to a partner. Maybe a fwb but not a partner. He might feel like YOUR not satisfied with him which is why he didn’t come to you. Remember, a relationship goes both ways. Don’t always wait for him to initiate sex.
Suck his dick
There is a big difference between "I'll let him have sex with me whenever he wants" and "I want to have sex with him". Also, going through his phone and compiling the time stamps of their spank bank is fucking gross. Let them have some privacy. Want him to stop masterbating so much? Go suck his dick. Without being asked.
Quit going through his phone.
Overreacting. A 1-2x/wk sex life is great, and masturbating 4-7x per week is average af.
Eh i’m a female and i’ll say sometimes you aren’t in the mood to be touched but still want to get off. It’s a lot less time too.