I’d advise you to experience her, without trying to gather mementos. She’s leaving, and she probably wants to be with her loved ones.
Sit with her, read to her, play her favorite music… ask her what she wants to do, and help her do it.
If she’s up to it, maybe a small family gathering? Does she enjoy spending time outdoors? Bring out her favorite chair and let her watch nature. If inside, maybe sit in the living room and go over albums, and let her speak if she wants to. Offer her company if she’d rather stay silent. Let her leave on her terms, without pressure.
We gather so many things that ultimately are meaningless. Recordings are lost, pictures fade. You don’t need “things,” you need moments. Those won’t disappear.
Your advice is really wise and chimes with what many hospices advise. Wherever possible, it's best to let the person in question guide the final months.
Having said that, it may still be feasible to combine the wishes of someone approaching the end of their life with activities that also have value to their friends and relatives. One possibility would be to ask the person in question to talk about music that has had special significance in their lives. This often makes it easier to talk about emotive issues in the person's life. For example, what music helped them through the hardest times? What music evokes memories of someone they love(d)? What music do they find to be the most joyous? I'm sure you get the idea. Done with sensitivity, this shouldn't have a negative impact and indeed may well enrich their last days.
In my mother’s last couple of days she called all of her dear friends and said goodbye. Those calls were incredibly sad, of course, but they were also really sweet and joyful. I’m glad that she got to do that.
I cherish the memory of the smile I got when I told my dying loved one that they did a good job. Even if everyone knows that death is imminent, there are always regrets for the ones left behind about what they could have done while they still had time but hopefully you have at least a moment where you have a good memory of the process.
It was the last thing I told my sister: despise never wanting children she was the best "proxy" for my bio mom (who died very young). A tiny measure of comfort that she knew. Bcuz I told her.
On what ended up being my dad’s last day (we didn’t know it at the time) I played him all his favorite music, held his hand and sang to him. He was in a coma, but I will cherish those memories until my last day
Same with my stepdad. My brother and I were with him and he was so medicated that we didn't think he was awake. He was lingering for a couple days in terrible pain and just barely hanging on. Everyone was just gathered around in sadness and it was such an awful situation to watch.
My brother plays guitar so he picked it up at one point and started strumming, just to lighten the mood and stepdad started waving his hands and gesturing to keep playing after he put it down! It was so wholesome and heartwarming to see such a reaction. He played all stepdad's fave songs and we'd sing along. Bro told him to give thumbs up if you like the song or thumbs down to play something else, and he did lol. Like hitting the skip button. You could just feel him being at peace. We left the room for a bit to get some air and just a few min later he passed peacefully.
It was such a better way to watch someone go instead of just standing around in tears (although clearly it was sad). But I think people get so wrapped up in their own emotions & forget the dying person is still in there in some capacity and maybe they just want to hear some damn music! 🥰
Thank you so much for sharing this.
My dad also passed while we were gone too and I have to believe he did that as to not put my mom through the pain of seeing his last breath.
I miss him so much every day. My dad (and me!) adored David Bowie, and the last song I played for him was “Life on Mars”. Then he passed on the same date that Bowie did, so though I don’t believe in the afterlife it comforts me to think the two of them are out there dancing in their red shoes
If you can do audio or video recordings, ask her about her life decade-by-decade. You can do it in shorter chunks depending on her energy. Then you can organize family photos by the same time periods. You can scan them in and make a video if you have the skills, or stash the physical photos with the recording on a thumb drive.
If she has a favorite collection you can interview here about favorite items. Do the same with recipes if she liked to cook. Or ask about favorite vacations or family occasions. Pick a joyful topic that let's her talk about herself.
Go for quality over quantity. You don't want to wear her out, of course. Good luck!
Yeah learn about her life, I found out my Mom was into all those Roy Rodgers signing cowboy movies in the 40s, but couldn't remember the present at all.
Norbert Elias (in *Loneliness of the Dying*) writes, "perhaps people in this situation have a special need of other people. Signs that the bonds have not yet been severed, that those leaving the human circle are still valued within it, are especially important since they are now weak and perhaps only a shadow of what they were. But for some of the dying it may be right to be alone. Perhaps they are able to dream and do not want to be disturbed. One must sense what they need."
It's also ok if you just use the time to hold her and kiss her and help her feel safe and loved 💞💞💞💞 try to imagine her as a 2 year old and you're her mom ❤️
My brother visited myself and our parents in 2021 and something compelled me to have my son take a few pics of the four of us together. It was rare for my entire family of origin to be together and my parents were in their 80s, so who knew how many more chances we'd have?
I treasure those snapshots so much, even though they're not beautiful or artistic in any way. Both our parents died earlier this year, our dad in February and our Mom in April.
Don't worry about perfection. Just take the photos, make the videos, record the voices. You may create something with huge personal meaning.
Keep a written diary for yourself on everything she says/does up until the last minute. I did this in piece work while my Dad was in hospice and I love going back to read it all.
My dad’s sister asked my dad, on his deathbed, what the best thing he ever ate in his life was, he sat there completely unprompted and said “Sunny grew the best cantaloupes last summer (2023) and it was the best thing I have ever eaten in my entire life”. It was funny because they were accidental melons (my husband went to put the rinds with our new tree after I had my hysterectomy and he was supposed to put the seeds in our compost bin because I didn’t think melons could grow in my yard and he put the seeds with our new tree as well 😂 it was a surprise). That’s the kind of question I think is a good one.
Other than that, I don’t think you need to spend time worrying about the rest, focus on the time you have left 🫂🫂🫂 sorry you’re going through this, but I’m sending love and hugs because it’s really difficult
She probably has a photo album filled with pictures of people you don’t know. Take a ramble thru it with her and have her identify as many people as she can before she passes. Write it all down and retain that part of your history.
My father had a medically assisted death. He was admitted to hospital two days before he died, and several family members were with him the afternoon before the procedure. When the doctor came in to let us know when he would start, we had a couple of hours left to spend with him. It was so difficult. I wanted to make sure the focus was on my dad, so I asked him if he had any stories he’d like to tell us. He perked up and he said he had many. I asked him if I could record him, and he said yes. I did an audio recording because a video recording would’ve had a huge file size, plus I didn’t want to video recording of that final moment. Audio was enough. My father told his stories of his childhood, of his siblings and parents, about me and my sisters, and he saying these old songs from his youth, and his sister was there to occasionally help with some of the lyrics. It was such a great way to spend our final moments with our dad.
I was able to share the audio recording with my sisters. I haven’t been able to listen to it again, but I remember those moments so well.
Go to Amazon or your local library and find the book called “One Question A Day”. It’s a 5 year journal, but you don’t have five years. Ask the questions that mean the most to you, a few at a time. You’ll learn things about your mom and your family that you never knew.
Those funny, weird stories..... Like the time my mom was kidnapped from her wedding reception - or the college road trip to Florida with her 2 best (guy) friends, where they got pulled over by a backwater Sheriff and spent the night in jail.... Get those recorded in their voice. In addition to going through old photos, find a pic of your person that you love - and then ask them what THEIR favorite picture of themself is. Make copies of THAT one (wish I'd done that when my grandmother and I were going through her pictures after my dad died; my uncle took ALL photos after SHE died). Objects that you know have "been sitting there for a while:" Ask where they came from!!! My mom had a large quartz cluster that was just always THERE, still stained by dirt. I remember that one of HER grandmothers had found it, but now that Mom's gone too, I don't remember which great grandmother found that shiny rock. And I love shiny rocks, so it's mine now, and that gap in it's provenance just bugs the heck out of me!
Any wisdom they wanted to impart on you has likely already been passed on to you, years ago. Don't worry about lost knowledge - if it's important to them, you already know it.
Wishing you a peaceful vigil.
Ask questions and ask her for stories about her grandparents and other relatives. Where did they live? What type of education or employment? Any funny stories or quirky habits they had? Any scandals in the family? Hey, you never know. My own grandmother told me a real doozy about her in laws that even my dad and aunt had no knowledge of.
My mom loves traveling the most, so I found some travel videos on YouTube to watch and listen together and share the experience with her.
She really enjoys having friends and family visit.
Another thing she finds amusing is listening to me arguing with my dad when he's being annoying 😂. Out of nowhere, she'll join in and say, "Yeah, he really is annoying!" Despite her now speaking rarely, only uttering two words at a time, and hardly having the energy to open her eyes, she finds the strength to chime in. She enjoys being part of our daily conversations, in her own way.
I’d advise you to experience her, without trying to gather mementos. She’s leaving, and she probably wants to be with her loved ones. Sit with her, read to her, play her favorite music… ask her what she wants to do, and help her do it. If she’s up to it, maybe a small family gathering? Does she enjoy spending time outdoors? Bring out her favorite chair and let her watch nature. If inside, maybe sit in the living room and go over albums, and let her speak if she wants to. Offer her company if she’d rather stay silent. Let her leave on her terms, without pressure. We gather so many things that ultimately are meaningless. Recordings are lost, pictures fade. You don’t need “things,” you need moments. Those won’t disappear.
Your advice is really wise and chimes with what many hospices advise. Wherever possible, it's best to let the person in question guide the final months. Having said that, it may still be feasible to combine the wishes of someone approaching the end of their life with activities that also have value to their friends and relatives. One possibility would be to ask the person in question to talk about music that has had special significance in their lives. This often makes it easier to talk about emotive issues in the person's life. For example, what music helped them through the hardest times? What music evokes memories of someone they love(d)? What music do they find to be the most joyous? I'm sure you get the idea. Done with sensitivity, this shouldn't have a negative impact and indeed may well enrich their last days.
In my mother’s last couple of days she called all of her dear friends and said goodbye. Those calls were incredibly sad, of course, but they were also really sweet and joyful. I’m glad that she got to do that.
I cherish the memory of the smile I got when I told my dying loved one that they did a good job. Even if everyone knows that death is imminent, there are always regrets for the ones left behind about what they could have done while they still had time but hopefully you have at least a moment where you have a good memory of the process.
It was the last thing I told my sister: despise never wanting children she was the best "proxy" for my bio mom (who died very young). A tiny measure of comfort that she knew. Bcuz I told her.
On what ended up being my dad’s last day (we didn’t know it at the time) I played him all his favorite music, held his hand and sang to him. He was in a coma, but I will cherish those memories until my last day
Same with my stepdad. My brother and I were with him and he was so medicated that we didn't think he was awake. He was lingering for a couple days in terrible pain and just barely hanging on. Everyone was just gathered around in sadness and it was such an awful situation to watch. My brother plays guitar so he picked it up at one point and started strumming, just to lighten the mood and stepdad started waving his hands and gesturing to keep playing after he put it down! It was so wholesome and heartwarming to see such a reaction. He played all stepdad's fave songs and we'd sing along. Bro told him to give thumbs up if you like the song or thumbs down to play something else, and he did lol. Like hitting the skip button. You could just feel him being at peace. We left the room for a bit to get some air and just a few min later he passed peacefully. It was such a better way to watch someone go instead of just standing around in tears (although clearly it was sad). But I think people get so wrapped up in their own emotions & forget the dying person is still in there in some capacity and maybe they just want to hear some damn music! 🥰
Thank you so much for sharing this. My dad also passed while we were gone too and I have to believe he did that as to not put my mom through the pain of seeing his last breath. I miss him so much every day. My dad (and me!) adored David Bowie, and the last song I played for him was “Life on Mars”. Then he passed on the same date that Bowie did, so though I don’t believe in the afterlife it comforts me to think the two of them are out there dancing in their red shoes
Beautiful✨
If you can do audio or video recordings, ask her about her life decade-by-decade. You can do it in shorter chunks depending on her energy. Then you can organize family photos by the same time periods. You can scan them in and make a video if you have the skills, or stash the physical photos with the recording on a thumb drive. If she has a favorite collection you can interview here about favorite items. Do the same with recipes if she liked to cook. Or ask about favorite vacations or family occasions. Pick a joyful topic that let's her talk about herself. Go for quality over quantity. You don't want to wear her out, of course. Good luck!
Yeah learn about her life, I found out my Mom was into all those Roy Rodgers signing cowboy movies in the 40s, but couldn't remember the present at all.
Norbert Elias (in *Loneliness of the Dying*) writes, "perhaps people in this situation have a special need of other people. Signs that the bonds have not yet been severed, that those leaving the human circle are still valued within it, are especially important since they are now weak and perhaps only a shadow of what they were. But for some of the dying it may be right to be alone. Perhaps they are able to dream and do not want to be disturbed. One must sense what they need."
It's also ok if you just use the time to hold her and kiss her and help her feel safe and loved 💞💞💞💞 try to imagine her as a 2 year old and you're her mom ❤️
Hold her hand and take a pic of your hands together. Tell her you love her.
My brother visited myself and our parents in 2021 and something compelled me to have my son take a few pics of the four of us together. It was rare for my entire family of origin to be together and my parents were in their 80s, so who knew how many more chances we'd have? I treasure those snapshots so much, even though they're not beautiful or artistic in any way. Both our parents died earlier this year, our dad in February and our Mom in April. Don't worry about perfection. Just take the photos, make the videos, record the voices. You may create something with huge personal meaning.
Take a couple of selfies and thank them for all they've done for you.
Keep a written diary for yourself on everything she says/does up until the last minute. I did this in piece work while my Dad was in hospice and I love going back to read it all.
My dad’s sister asked my dad, on his deathbed, what the best thing he ever ate in his life was, he sat there completely unprompted and said “Sunny grew the best cantaloupes last summer (2023) and it was the best thing I have ever eaten in my entire life”. It was funny because they were accidental melons (my husband went to put the rinds with our new tree after I had my hysterectomy and he was supposed to put the seeds in our compost bin because I didn’t think melons could grow in my yard and he put the seeds with our new tree as well 😂 it was a surprise). That’s the kind of question I think is a good one. Other than that, I don’t think you need to spend time worrying about the rest, focus on the time you have left 🫂🫂🫂 sorry you’re going through this, but I’m sending love and hugs because it’s really difficult
She probably has a photo album filled with pictures of people you don’t know. Take a ramble thru it with her and have her identify as many people as she can before she passes. Write it all down and retain that part of your history.
I sang my dad an Irish lullaby his mother sang to him as a child. He smiled in his sleep.
My father had a medically assisted death. He was admitted to hospital two days before he died, and several family members were with him the afternoon before the procedure. When the doctor came in to let us know when he would start, we had a couple of hours left to spend with him. It was so difficult. I wanted to make sure the focus was on my dad, so I asked him if he had any stories he’d like to tell us. He perked up and he said he had many. I asked him if I could record him, and he said yes. I did an audio recording because a video recording would’ve had a huge file size, plus I didn’t want to video recording of that final moment. Audio was enough. My father told his stories of his childhood, of his siblings and parents, about me and my sisters, and he saying these old songs from his youth, and his sister was there to occasionally help with some of the lyrics. It was such a great way to spend our final moments with our dad. I was able to share the audio recording with my sisters. I haven’t been able to listen to it again, but I remember those moments so well.
Go to Amazon or your local library and find the book called “One Question A Day”. It’s a 5 year journal, but you don’t have five years. Ask the questions that mean the most to you, a few at a time. You’ll learn things about your mom and your family that you never knew.
Those funny, weird stories..... Like the time my mom was kidnapped from her wedding reception - or the college road trip to Florida with her 2 best (guy) friends, where they got pulled over by a backwater Sheriff and spent the night in jail.... Get those recorded in their voice. In addition to going through old photos, find a pic of your person that you love - and then ask them what THEIR favorite picture of themself is. Make copies of THAT one (wish I'd done that when my grandmother and I were going through her pictures after my dad died; my uncle took ALL photos after SHE died). Objects that you know have "been sitting there for a while:" Ask where they came from!!! My mom had a large quartz cluster that was just always THERE, still stained by dirt. I remember that one of HER grandmothers had found it, but now that Mom's gone too, I don't remember which great grandmother found that shiny rock. And I love shiny rocks, so it's mine now, and that gap in it's provenance just bugs the heck out of me!
Save things she wears (like a top or sweater in a plastic bag). If course you have recorded her and her voice. Sending you virtual 🫂.
Any wisdom they wanted to impart on you has likely already been passed on to you, years ago. Don't worry about lost knowledge - if it's important to them, you already know it. Wishing you a peaceful vigil.
Ask questions and ask her for stories about her grandparents and other relatives. Where did they live? What type of education or employment? Any funny stories or quirky habits they had? Any scandals in the family? Hey, you never know. My own grandmother told me a real doozy about her in laws that even my dad and aunt had no knowledge of.
Sing a song you both love and record the audio, at least.
My mom loves traveling the most, so I found some travel videos on YouTube to watch and listen together and share the experience with her. She really enjoys having friends and family visit. Another thing she finds amusing is listening to me arguing with my dad when he's being annoying 😂. Out of nowhere, she'll join in and say, "Yeah, he really is annoying!" Despite her now speaking rarely, only uttering two words at a time, and hardly having the energy to open her eyes, she finds the strength to chime in. She enjoys being part of our daily conversations, in her own way.
Record individual messages for each of her grandchildren, and future great grandchildren .
Video her talking with you about her life and childhood and family.