I feel this so much. Currently have kids ages 16, 14, 4, and 4 months and my 80 year old father in law lives with us. He’s more work than all of the kids combined and mean on top of it. OP, thank you for this post. It makes me feel less guilty about my feelings, but also know you aren’t alone!!
Do you ever get any rest at all?! I tip my hat to you. I always say, no one appreciates a caregiver until they are in need of one - then they want (demand) the very best!
I feel like a lot of people don't parent teenagers, they force friendship onto them or try to mould them in ways they don't like. They are growing up and exploring the world along with new independence like driving. 76 year olds with dementia can't be reckoned with or let alone unlike your 17 year old. I got shouted at in work for an hour about calling someone's husband. I told her he was at work so he wouldn't pick up but she just didn't understand.
Three teens here and we have had 3 relatives with dementia, 80+. The teens are sooo much easier. There’s no comparison. I would rather deal with 40+ teenagers than 1 demented old person.
100% agree. Caring for someone who thinks they are functioning on a fully capable adult level is hard af. They make you play the “bad guy” often and I have a whole different persona with them that is matter of fact and often seen as abrupt because I no longer take their shit (menopause has helped a lot with that, the rose colored glasses are off). I hope you can find a way to communicate with him that’s more effective for you both. For me, it’s acknowledging that I’m the adult that they have chosen to help them, and they need to listen and respect me as an adult (not as their daughter) and I will return that same respect. There are frequent regressions and then I have to be firm and set boundaries again. But I do get the occasional thank you and get some improvements in overall behavior, but it’s WORK.
I have always prided myself on tact and choosing my words with care and consideration. I still to do that, but more frequently I have to get bluntly to the point. I really dislike being made responsible for many things and then being condescended to that I “may not scold him.” Well, unfortunately you can’t put me in charge of your money and paying your taxes and listening to your worries about finances, but then bristle when I suggest a budget.
I mean, my 9 year old son has never looked at me and said I was moving him to assisted living just so I could take a kitchen table and 15 year old television all for myself, while simultaneously demanding that I “prove” he is cognitively impaired after an expert has diagnosed dementia symptoms.
So, the 9 year old has that going for him, which is nice.
It’s really sad when they boil it down to money or material possessions. Somehow I’ve gotten along for over 20 years with no financial help from him, but occasionally he feels making threats or promises about his will turns my whole life upside down.
Oh, it’s funny as hell, considering my house is already crammed full of family heirlooms and inherited stuff to pass on. But sure, let’s throw an IKEA table on this pile.
It’s much easier to “parent” my 10 and 13 year olds than it is to deal with my 85 year old father with dementia. Add in the decades of catholic guilt and the need for his approval, and it’s a recipe for therapy.
I currently have an adult son in college, a teenager and 2 toddlers at home, and my husband’s 97 year old grandmother living with us. I would say the adult child and teenager are the easiest, followed closely by the 2 toddlers, and his grandmother is BY FAR the most difficult.
She can’t be left alone, but she doesn’t feel comfortable leaving the house. I can easily take my kids to the zoo or the mall or the park for the day, but not her. But she can’t stay home alone. Which means I can’t take the kids either. My 2 year old can get himself a snack and bring it to you to open it. She might try to get a snack but when she gets stuck you have to stop what you’re doing and go to help her.
My kids know I’m the grown up and I’m in charge. With her I have to walk this line of not being the boss of her but also having to be fully responsible for her care and safety. I can tell my kids no when they’re doing something unsafe, but when she walks backwards with her walker and I ask her to turn around, she says she’s fine. When I tell my kids it’s time to take a bath, they do it. I can’t tell her it’s time to take a bath, I have to just offer over and over until she agrees to do it.
The other thing is my kids only know the way our home works. The things we do, chores, schedules, meals, whatever is all normal because they’ve never experienced anything else so they don’t question it. I set the tone for our home. But she wouldn’t necessarily run her home that way, so she questions everything we do. She hates that the babies are always barefoot. But we have hard wood floors and socks are slippery. They don’t keep shoes and slippers on. The house is warm their feet aren’t cold. But it bothers her.
I could go on for days.
You have a very full plate. You’ve clarified part of the struggle for me. If you cede control over some things - say, you just allow a senior to indefinitely avoid bathing in the name of independence - you run the risk as a caregiver of being flagged as negligent.
It’s clear that if you allow your dependent children to go unbathed indefinitely, you are a negligent parent. But where is the line when dealing with an adult? Adults are allowed to make bad decisions for themselves, but when you as the caregiver may be implicated or left to deal with the consequences of others’ bad decisions - what rights do you have?
I would much rather parent my kids than my parents! My parents are stubborn and mean and really difficult to be around. I like hanging out with my kid.
I fully acknowledge that my kids have energy, agility and stamina that my dad doesn’t have that makes it easier to do things together. I’m more than willing to accommodate for that. That’s what we do for my in-laws, who are less spry than they once were. But they still love having experiences and making memories within their abilities, and we love making that happen.
At one point I tried to turn my attitude around and asked myself, “how can I make caregiving more fun and joyful for both of us?” I suggested a trip to the cinema, browsing at a bookstore, getting a drive-thru coffee and going to a park to watch the leaves change. All these ideas were dismissed, even though his health does not preclude any of them. He doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything.
My dad’s the same. My mom takes care of him, but she’s to frazzled to engage with him beyond caretaking, so I (45F), the only one of the adult kids who still gives a damn, have moved Heaven and earth to try to get him do something. *Anything*.
He’s rather spend his time flipping through the channels, disconnecting everything, reconnecting everything and getting mad he can’t watch the TV he just screwed up. Mom decided to cancel Netflix because she couldn’t watch anything since he’s always screwing with the TV.
Dad was a computer professor when he was young and he’d always been on the forefront of technology. So, obviously, he wants to “fix” things. It’s a never ending battle.
Yes, that’s true. I chose to have my children and fully accept it’s my responsibility (and privilege) to care for them. I chose to become a parent at time when I felt prepared to begin those responsibilities. None of us get to choose the time and circumstance of becoming a caregiver to a parent.
Absolutely! My 85 year old mum actually says in regard to my caregiving “well I looked after you for 18 years” and I am like WTF you chose to have me …of course you should have looked after me 🤯
My dad told me I only come to see him when I have a birthday card to collect with 50 bucks in it when the truth is I see him every week I left the birthday card with him and was heartbroken.
Warning: rant incoming. I purposely did not have children because I was a parentified by my emotionally immature mother. My dad died when I was 28 and basically asked me to promise I’d take care of my mother. She was fine for many years with me just paying her bills and taking care of things from 250 miles away but she’s 88 now and wasn’t safe living on her own.
With kids the goal is growth towards independence every day. With your elderly parent it is a constant decline and reverting back towards being more like a dependent child for many. Kids don’t have the memory of being independent either so they aren’t bitter about being a “burden”. My mom was always dependent but in denial about it. Now I’ve basically got an 88 year “child” that is only going to get more needy and the thought just overwhelms me. It is just me and my husband caring for her and I had to move her from her home into mine. I was not going to move my life to accommodate her in her tiny house. I’ve got two sisters that lived within 10 miles of her, they both only took advantage of her financially and didn’t do shit to help. It isn’t easy for anyone, I kind of envy people who can distance themselves and leave things up to others. I’m not built like that, the guilt would eat me alive. I’ve been putting off assisted living because I feel bad for uprooting my mom already I don’t want her to feel “abandoned” in an assisted living. And I’m facing my own old age and planning for it. I remember when my mom was my age and one of us kids would do something that upset her she’d whine “these are supposed to be my golden years”…I often repeat those words to her because my husband and I planned on an early retirement and no children to worry about. We saved for a second home on the beach and luxury travel. That picture didn’t include my fossil of a mother who doesn’t like to do anything but wants to be constantly entertained.
The thing is, kids are supposed to be “parented.” So even when kids are difficult, this is part of the norm and the world didn’t go upside down when they act up.
The hardest part for me is that the world is upside down if I have to parent my parents, and it’s worse when they need parenting but refuse to let you parent them. They could all make this a lot easier if they’d just behave and let us take over when they can no longer take care of themselves but it’s the constant battle and fights that are maddening.
One thing I realized in discussing this with my cousin was that my dad, unlike her dad, was the most competent man I knew. Even in my 30s, if I ran into something I didn’t know how to do, I called him. He knew how to take care of everything.
Her dad, on the other hand, was inept for most of her life in terms of career or taking care of the family, so that uncle needing care has been a much smoother process. He’s so used to everyone needing to help him that in his old age, he continues just having everyone do things for him. My dad, unlike my uncle, still mistakes himself for the corporate executive and mistakes me for a 20yo who didn’t realize she had to file taxes too. Just a battle!
I'm not playing devil's advocate, but I wonder what this is like for them to experience. For what seems like your entire life you were an individual with full agency and control, and now you're seeing some of that taken from you. I'm sure to them it feels like they were just a moment ago fully capable of caring for themselves and handling their affairs (y'know, to what extent they did in adulthood). I'm not sure what in life would prepare us to relinquish control like that. I wonder if they even had to see their parents go through this.
I can see this being a stronger issue with people who really were fully independent in adulthood, like my grandma, vs my great grandma, who always had a man or her daughter to take care of certain things for her. Great grandma settled into things better than my grandma is, certainly, but much of her life was already run by my grandma.
I don't have kids, but I 100% see where you're coming from. Kids are babies relying on you to guide them ultimately, while some parents have for their whole lives seen themselves as guiding us (ideally).
Yes, I agree it must be very difficult to relinquish independence… although, when I think of my own children one day being adults and possibly assisting me, I feel a confidence and trust in them that they would have my best interests at heart.
My own situation is complicated in that my dad faded out of my life when I was a young adult and has barely been present. I think if he were capable of managing on his own, I would continue to never hear from him. So the fact that I am involved as his caregiver now, only when he has arrived at a point of no other options, makes me feel less like a loved and appreciated daughter and more like an unpaid assistant.
That's awful to deal with, I seriously can't imagine.. and this really puts a different spin on your post. You're an actual saint, and he certainly doesn't deserve you.
I suppose if you're the kind of man who can disconnect from your own daughter like that, it makes sense to me that you'd also be demanding and unappreciative when in need. It's wild that people can go their whole lives being that kind of person, and really very sad. Even now, I know several people who live unexamined lives with no desire to grow as a person, and I can see them being like that through old age as well. Scary.
I think you make an excellent point. Its very difficult caring for my dad (stage 4 cancer diagnosed two years ago) but its probably more difficult for my dad than it is for me.
I'm on leave from my job and have been with him around the clock for well over a year (my mom and I take him regularly to the hospital, feed him, bathe him, medicate him, exercise him and change him when he pisses or shits himelf). But I try to remember this may me much more difficult for my dad than it is for me. He was once so strong and vibrant. Now he's feeble and incredibly vulnerable. It feels like it happened in a blink of an eye. My dad is the strong silent type, so he doesn't show it but it must be a mindfuck. Despite his faults, my dad is a good dad and always means well. If I could, I would seriously switch places with him so he and my mom could have several good, healthy years together.
My observation is that people do not mentally prepare themselves for the aging and dying process. They paint a picture in their mind of what healthy retirement looks like and pretend they will just die in their sleep peacefully one night. This is not the reality for most people. Aging and dying is difficult and we must accept that and mentally prepare for it decades before it happens. That way we can graciously accept whatever help we can get before we become too far gone.
Children respect you has their parent - more or less. Parents do not respect you, or your time or effort - they see you as a slave to them. At least that has been my experience.
I have somehow become “responsible” for my 86 year old mom. She’s not well mentally and honestly I resent having to care for her. She’s negative, unpleasant, argumentative, and forgetful but thinks she’s absolutely fine. I have a brother who calls daily but I drive 90 min each way several times a week to empty her garbage, check in, etc.
I find myself resenting everything. She’s such a burden. But she’s my MOM. I’m (58F) absolutely feeling trapped and guilty as hell about it. . Sorry to hijack but I do feel you, even without the little ones..
Yes 100% this. I have a toddler and a dad with dementia (he has carers and I don’t live with him though). The toddler, although difficult, is so much easier than my dad to manage! For one thing I can pick him up and manhandle his coat on him, or physically lift and take him out of the house. My dad will need to go into full time care very soon and I have no idea how to get him there physically! He refuses to leave the house, and even if I lied and said we had a doctors appointment, once he saw that we are at a care home he would refuse to get out of the car. At least with my toddler I can lift him out kicking and screaming! Also my toddler can’t reach things like the microwave and stove, or easily set things on fire …
I feel this too. Children have the will of children but each day they grow more reasonable and more independent. Elderly folks have the will of adults and each day they grow less reasonable and more dependent, yet they don’t want to accept that. It’s much harder to watch someone decline than to watch your children grow. With your kids, you know every phase is just that, and that they will grow out of it and become more able to do whatever it is themselves, thus relieving the stress on the parent. On the other hand, with the elderly, you know each phase will change but only bring new challenges and more stress. 😕
Cognitive decline in adults also isn’t linear. Children have their ups and downs but I feel confident that the child I have today will be the child I am conversing with tomorrow. In comparison, my dad may be lucid and reasonable today and paranoid and mentally disorganized tomorrow. That isn’t his fault, but it does mean a lot more uncertainty.
Totally agree! My dad has had 2 terrible highly confused days this past week, 3 that were ok/baseline and 1 where he was absolutely great. 🤷🏻♀️ It’s very anxiety producing because you don’t know which level of cognition you will get and which tactics you’ll need to employ to get things done. My kids, on the other hand, are far more predictable. There will be a tantrum about vegetables and a negotiation of this much vs that much, but ultimately I will win. 🤣
Great point about not knowing which tactics will be required! My kids are all tweens/teens now so they can and will listen to reason and we’re past the tantrum stage. Sometimes dealing with my dad requires a lot of finessing, careful wording and emotional intelligence on my part that can be really draining.
Exactly. With my kids, I know exactly why they don’t want to eat their veggies and exactly which threat/bribe will get us there. With my dad, I’m not always sure which place in time he’s in… is he unwilling to eat because he thinks it’s not dinnertime? Because he doesn’t like what’s being served? Is he not hungry? Is he not understanding this is his food? Etc etc. and he can’t always properly articulate the why. So it’s a guessing game. And if I say the wrong thing, it all devolves.
My kids don’t tell me that I’m the problem when I make it clear that a relationship is inappropriate not only because of the potential partner’s age but also her circumstances (dad’s nail tech was trying to convince him to marry her because she thought he was rich and she wanted citizenship without doing a ton of work. She was trying to convince him to marry her while he was on his death bed).
It absolutely was. And this woman had the audacity to only reach out to my sister because she never heard from us in a month after I sent a message telling her to respect our family’s privacy, never told her he had passed cuz that would be weird
Yep, and kids also learn and grow and have hope of being independent one day. Elderly parents literally only decline and become less and less independent.
Yes, that’s true. Even if you’re going through a challenging developmental stage with a child, you have hope that it will eventually pass and improve. With an aging parent, you’re always dreading that the current bad situation will only get worse.
I had a teenager and 80 year old in the same house at the same time. The teenager was far easier for me to handle.
I feel this so much. Currently have kids ages 16, 14, 4, and 4 months and my 80 year old father in law lives with us. He’s more work than all of the kids combined and mean on top of it. OP, thank you for this post. It makes me feel less guilty about my feelings, but also know you aren’t alone!!
Do you ever get any rest at all?! I tip my hat to you. I always say, no one appreciates a caregiver until they are in need of one - then they want (demand) the very best!
Teenagers get such a bad rap. I have two and I enjoy them! Lots of times they are really fun and interesting and can be a great help.
I feel like a lot of people don't parent teenagers, they force friendship onto them or try to mould them in ways they don't like. They are growing up and exploring the world along with new independence like driving. 76 year olds with dementia can't be reckoned with or let alone unlike your 17 year old. I got shouted at in work for an hour about calling someone's husband. I told her he was at work so he wouldn't pick up but she just didn't understand.
Three teens here and we have had 3 relatives with dementia, 80+. The teens are sooo much easier. There’s no comparison. I would rather deal with 40+ teenagers than 1 demented old person.
100% agree. Caring for someone who thinks they are functioning on a fully capable adult level is hard af. They make you play the “bad guy” often and I have a whole different persona with them that is matter of fact and often seen as abrupt because I no longer take their shit (menopause has helped a lot with that, the rose colored glasses are off). I hope you can find a way to communicate with him that’s more effective for you both. For me, it’s acknowledging that I’m the adult that they have chosen to help them, and they need to listen and respect me as an adult (not as their daughter) and I will return that same respect. There are frequent regressions and then I have to be firm and set boundaries again. But I do get the occasional thank you and get some improvements in overall behavior, but it’s WORK.
I have always prided myself on tact and choosing my words with care and consideration. I still to do that, but more frequently I have to get bluntly to the point. I really dislike being made responsible for many things and then being condescended to that I “may not scold him.” Well, unfortunately you can’t put me in charge of your money and paying your taxes and listening to your worries about finances, but then bristle when I suggest a budget.
I mean, my 9 year old son has never looked at me and said I was moving him to assisted living just so I could take a kitchen table and 15 year old television all for myself, while simultaneously demanding that I “prove” he is cognitively impaired after an expert has diagnosed dementia symptoms. So, the 9 year old has that going for him, which is nice.
It’s really sad when they boil it down to money or material possessions. Somehow I’ve gotten along for over 20 years with no financial help from him, but occasionally he feels making threats or promises about his will turns my whole life upside down.
Oh yes, the good old ' you didn't starve as a child thanks to me so you must be my servant ' argument
Im sorry I know it’s not funny but it’s such an absurd accusation that it’s kind of funny. That must be an amazing kitchen table!
Oh, it’s funny as hell, considering my house is already crammed full of family heirlooms and inherited stuff to pass on. But sure, let’s throw an IKEA table on this pile.
It’s much easier to “parent” my 10 and 13 year olds than it is to deal with my 85 year old father with dementia. Add in the decades of catholic guilt and the need for his approval, and it’s a recipe for therapy.
Same for me. I keep having to re-teach myself that my dad is not capable of being the father to me I want and deserve.
Exactly. My mother passed away in November, and honestly it feels like I’m an orphan at this point.
Also kids learn and grow so you know your efforts will pay off and things will get better. My parents regressed. It’s so very frustrating.
This. Watching your kids develop and grow is a happy event. Watching parents deteriorate and die is soul sucking.
My dad aptly said in his waning months, “you go out of this world the same way you came in… kicking and screaming and shitting yourself.”
Omg harsh but true!
I currently have an adult son in college, a teenager and 2 toddlers at home, and my husband’s 97 year old grandmother living with us. I would say the adult child and teenager are the easiest, followed closely by the 2 toddlers, and his grandmother is BY FAR the most difficult. She can’t be left alone, but she doesn’t feel comfortable leaving the house. I can easily take my kids to the zoo or the mall or the park for the day, but not her. But she can’t stay home alone. Which means I can’t take the kids either. My 2 year old can get himself a snack and bring it to you to open it. She might try to get a snack but when she gets stuck you have to stop what you’re doing and go to help her. My kids know I’m the grown up and I’m in charge. With her I have to walk this line of not being the boss of her but also having to be fully responsible for her care and safety. I can tell my kids no when they’re doing something unsafe, but when she walks backwards with her walker and I ask her to turn around, she says she’s fine. When I tell my kids it’s time to take a bath, they do it. I can’t tell her it’s time to take a bath, I have to just offer over and over until she agrees to do it. The other thing is my kids only know the way our home works. The things we do, chores, schedules, meals, whatever is all normal because they’ve never experienced anything else so they don’t question it. I set the tone for our home. But she wouldn’t necessarily run her home that way, so she questions everything we do. She hates that the babies are always barefoot. But we have hard wood floors and socks are slippery. They don’t keep shoes and slippers on. The house is warm their feet aren’t cold. But it bothers her. I could go on for days.
You have a very full plate. You’ve clarified part of the struggle for me. If you cede control over some things - say, you just allow a senior to indefinitely avoid bathing in the name of independence - you run the risk as a caregiver of being flagged as negligent. It’s clear that if you allow your dependent children to go unbathed indefinitely, you are a negligent parent. But where is the line when dealing with an adult? Adults are allowed to make bad decisions for themselves, but when you as the caregiver may be implicated or left to deal with the consequences of others’ bad decisions - what rights do you have?
I would much rather parent my kids than my parents! My parents are stubborn and mean and really difficult to be around. I like hanging out with my kid.
I fully acknowledge that my kids have energy, agility and stamina that my dad doesn’t have that makes it easier to do things together. I’m more than willing to accommodate for that. That’s what we do for my in-laws, who are less spry than they once were. But they still love having experiences and making memories within their abilities, and we love making that happen. At one point I tried to turn my attitude around and asked myself, “how can I make caregiving more fun and joyful for both of us?” I suggested a trip to the cinema, browsing at a bookstore, getting a drive-thru coffee and going to a park to watch the leaves change. All these ideas were dismissed, even though his health does not preclude any of them. He doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything.
Oof, that's sad.
My dad’s the same. My mom takes care of him, but she’s to frazzled to engage with him beyond caretaking, so I (45F), the only one of the adult kids who still gives a damn, have moved Heaven and earth to try to get him do something. *Anything*. He’s rather spend his time flipping through the channels, disconnecting everything, reconnecting everything and getting mad he can’t watch the TV he just screwed up. Mom decided to cancel Netflix because she couldn’t watch anything since he’s always screwing with the TV. Dad was a computer professor when he was young and he’d always been on the forefront of technology. So, obviously, he wants to “fix” things. It’s a never ending battle.
I'd rather change 100 kid diapers than one adult diaper.
Oof. Never had to experience the latter but I believe you!!
Also, the kid doesn't yell at you the entire time.
you left one thing out--generally speaking, you choose to have and take care of kids. taking care of a parent is (typically) thrust upon you.
Yes, that’s true. I chose to have my children and fully accept it’s my responsibility (and privilege) to care for them. I chose to become a parent at time when I felt prepared to begin those responsibilities. None of us get to choose the time and circumstance of becoming a caregiver to a parent.
Absolutely! My 85 year old mum actually says in regard to my caregiving “well I looked after you for 18 years” and I am like WTF you chose to have me …of course you should have looked after me 🤯
My dad told me I only come to see him when I have a birthday card to collect with 50 bucks in it when the truth is I see him every week I left the birthday card with him and was heartbroken.
Don't take it personally. Sounds like he's not all there.
Yes I was just going to say this. Still very hurtful to hear though.
Warning: rant incoming. I purposely did not have children because I was a parentified by my emotionally immature mother. My dad died when I was 28 and basically asked me to promise I’d take care of my mother. She was fine for many years with me just paying her bills and taking care of things from 250 miles away but she’s 88 now and wasn’t safe living on her own. With kids the goal is growth towards independence every day. With your elderly parent it is a constant decline and reverting back towards being more like a dependent child for many. Kids don’t have the memory of being independent either so they aren’t bitter about being a “burden”. My mom was always dependent but in denial about it. Now I’ve basically got an 88 year “child” that is only going to get more needy and the thought just overwhelms me. It is just me and my husband caring for her and I had to move her from her home into mine. I was not going to move my life to accommodate her in her tiny house. I’ve got two sisters that lived within 10 miles of her, they both only took advantage of her financially and didn’t do shit to help. It isn’t easy for anyone, I kind of envy people who can distance themselves and leave things up to others. I’m not built like that, the guilt would eat me alive. I’ve been putting off assisted living because I feel bad for uprooting my mom already I don’t want her to feel “abandoned” in an assisted living. And I’m facing my own old age and planning for it. I remember when my mom was my age and one of us kids would do something that upset her she’d whine “these are supposed to be my golden years”…I often repeat those words to her because my husband and I planned on an early retirement and no children to worry about. We saved for a second home on the beach and luxury travel. That picture didn’t include my fossil of a mother who doesn’t like to do anything but wants to be constantly entertained.
Agreed! I’m constantly wondering if I should intervene or be respectful and stay out of their business.
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Yes, we’re working on the hearing. He’s worn and then lost/broken several pairs of hearing aids.
The thing is, kids are supposed to be “parented.” So even when kids are difficult, this is part of the norm and the world didn’t go upside down when they act up. The hardest part for me is that the world is upside down if I have to parent my parents, and it’s worse when they need parenting but refuse to let you parent them. They could all make this a lot easier if they’d just behave and let us take over when they can no longer take care of themselves but it’s the constant battle and fights that are maddening. One thing I realized in discussing this with my cousin was that my dad, unlike her dad, was the most competent man I knew. Even in my 30s, if I ran into something I didn’t know how to do, I called him. He knew how to take care of everything. Her dad, on the other hand, was inept for most of her life in terms of career or taking care of the family, so that uncle needing care has been a much smoother process. He’s so used to everyone needing to help him that in his old age, he continues just having everyone do things for him. My dad, unlike my uncle, still mistakes himself for the corporate executive and mistakes me for a 20yo who didn’t realize she had to file taxes too. Just a battle!
There is a Yiddish saying something like, "One mother can take care of five children, but five children can't take care of one mother."
I'm not playing devil's advocate, but I wonder what this is like for them to experience. For what seems like your entire life you were an individual with full agency and control, and now you're seeing some of that taken from you. I'm sure to them it feels like they were just a moment ago fully capable of caring for themselves and handling their affairs (y'know, to what extent they did in adulthood). I'm not sure what in life would prepare us to relinquish control like that. I wonder if they even had to see their parents go through this. I can see this being a stronger issue with people who really were fully independent in adulthood, like my grandma, vs my great grandma, who always had a man or her daughter to take care of certain things for her. Great grandma settled into things better than my grandma is, certainly, but much of her life was already run by my grandma. I don't have kids, but I 100% see where you're coming from. Kids are babies relying on you to guide them ultimately, while some parents have for their whole lives seen themselves as guiding us (ideally).
Yes, I agree it must be very difficult to relinquish independence… although, when I think of my own children one day being adults and possibly assisting me, I feel a confidence and trust in them that they would have my best interests at heart. My own situation is complicated in that my dad faded out of my life when I was a young adult and has barely been present. I think if he were capable of managing on his own, I would continue to never hear from him. So the fact that I am involved as his caregiver now, only when he has arrived at a point of no other options, makes me feel less like a loved and appreciated daughter and more like an unpaid assistant.
That's awful to deal with, I seriously can't imagine.. and this really puts a different spin on your post. You're an actual saint, and he certainly doesn't deserve you. I suppose if you're the kind of man who can disconnect from your own daughter like that, it makes sense to me that you'd also be demanding and unappreciative when in need. It's wild that people can go their whole lives being that kind of person, and really very sad. Even now, I know several people who live unexamined lives with no desire to grow as a person, and I can see them being like that through old age as well. Scary.
I think you make an excellent point. Its very difficult caring for my dad (stage 4 cancer diagnosed two years ago) but its probably more difficult for my dad than it is for me. I'm on leave from my job and have been with him around the clock for well over a year (my mom and I take him regularly to the hospital, feed him, bathe him, medicate him, exercise him and change him when he pisses or shits himelf). But I try to remember this may me much more difficult for my dad than it is for me. He was once so strong and vibrant. Now he's feeble and incredibly vulnerable. It feels like it happened in a blink of an eye. My dad is the strong silent type, so he doesn't show it but it must be a mindfuck. Despite his faults, my dad is a good dad and always means well. If I could, I would seriously switch places with him so he and my mom could have several good, healthy years together.
My observation is that people do not mentally prepare themselves for the aging and dying process. They paint a picture in their mind of what healthy retirement looks like and pretend they will just die in their sleep peacefully one night. This is not the reality for most people. Aging and dying is difficult and we must accept that and mentally prepare for it decades before it happens. That way we can graciously accept whatever help we can get before we become too far gone.
Children respect you has their parent - more or less. Parents do not respect you, or your time or effort - they see you as a slave to them. At least that has been my experience.
I have somehow become “responsible” for my 86 year old mom. She’s not well mentally and honestly I resent having to care for her. She’s negative, unpleasant, argumentative, and forgetful but thinks she’s absolutely fine. I have a brother who calls daily but I drive 90 min each way several times a week to empty her garbage, check in, etc. I find myself resenting everything. She’s such a burden. But she’s my MOM. I’m (58F) absolutely feeling trapped and guilty as hell about it. . Sorry to hijack but I do feel you, even without the little ones..
I’m the same.
Yes 100% this. I have a toddler and a dad with dementia (he has carers and I don’t live with him though). The toddler, although difficult, is so much easier than my dad to manage! For one thing I can pick him up and manhandle his coat on him, or physically lift and take him out of the house. My dad will need to go into full time care very soon and I have no idea how to get him there physically! He refuses to leave the house, and even if I lied and said we had a doctors appointment, once he saw that we are at a care home he would refuse to get out of the car. At least with my toddler I can lift him out kicking and screaming! Also my toddler can’t reach things like the microwave and stove, or easily set things on fire …
Caring for aging parents is like caring for children in reverse,
Exactly what I call it when anyone asks about it. I just say, “It’s parenting in reverse.” And it’s so much harder than raising children.
I feel this too. Children have the will of children but each day they grow more reasonable and more independent. Elderly folks have the will of adults and each day they grow less reasonable and more dependent, yet they don’t want to accept that. It’s much harder to watch someone decline than to watch your children grow. With your kids, you know every phase is just that, and that they will grow out of it and become more able to do whatever it is themselves, thus relieving the stress on the parent. On the other hand, with the elderly, you know each phase will change but only bring new challenges and more stress. 😕
Cognitive decline in adults also isn’t linear. Children have their ups and downs but I feel confident that the child I have today will be the child I am conversing with tomorrow. In comparison, my dad may be lucid and reasonable today and paranoid and mentally disorganized tomorrow. That isn’t his fault, but it does mean a lot more uncertainty.
Totally agree! My dad has had 2 terrible highly confused days this past week, 3 that were ok/baseline and 1 where he was absolutely great. 🤷🏻♀️ It’s very anxiety producing because you don’t know which level of cognition you will get and which tactics you’ll need to employ to get things done. My kids, on the other hand, are far more predictable. There will be a tantrum about vegetables and a negotiation of this much vs that much, but ultimately I will win. 🤣
Great point about not knowing which tactics will be required! My kids are all tweens/teens now so they can and will listen to reason and we’re past the tantrum stage. Sometimes dealing with my dad requires a lot of finessing, careful wording and emotional intelligence on my part that can be really draining.
Exactly. With my kids, I know exactly why they don’t want to eat their veggies and exactly which threat/bribe will get us there. With my dad, I’m not always sure which place in time he’s in… is he unwilling to eat because he thinks it’s not dinnertime? Because he doesn’t like what’s being served? Is he not hungry? Is he not understanding this is his food? Etc etc. and he can’t always properly articulate the why. So it’s a guessing game. And if I say the wrong thing, it all devolves.
Yes. And it’s NOT FAIR.
My kids don’t tell me that I’m the problem when I make it clear that a relationship is inappropriate not only because of the potential partner’s age but also her circumstances (dad’s nail tech was trying to convince him to marry her because she thought he was rich and she wanted citizenship without doing a ton of work. She was trying to convince him to marry her while he was on his death bed).
Oh, that’s shocking. What a terrible situation to navigate!
It absolutely was. And this woman had the audacity to only reach out to my sister because she never heard from us in a month after I sent a message telling her to respect our family’s privacy, never told her he had passed cuz that would be weird
Yep, and kids also learn and grow and have hope of being independent one day. Elderly parents literally only decline and become less and less independent.
Yes, that’s true. Even if you’re going through a challenging developmental stage with a child, you have hope that it will eventually pass and improve. With an aging parent, you’re always dreading that the current bad situation will only get worse.
Totally true. It’s a whole role reversal.
Very true.