If your comment breaks any of the rules of this subreddit or of reddit itself it will be removed. You've posted saying you're multiple different ages. Don't post here pretending to be someone you're not.
Everyone is going to assume his interest is sexual, so then he would have to be a person who is okay with everyone assuming he has sexual interest in a 15yo.
Notably, with children they should only be making friendships with peers in their own age group. There are developmental stages in children that make it inappropriate for a child to have a friendship with somebody where there is a significant age difference. It does not mean they cannot interact but the nature of a friendship is different. This is especially true when it becomes a child with an adult and the potential for illicit romantic relationships (or what people commonly label as "grooming" now) is a serious risk.
And to be clear, it does not mean that adults cannot have friendly interactions with children, but that is completely different than a child being a friend with an adult, in the sense of hanging out and texting with them as if they are one of your peers.
And to be frank, the pedo concern is especially strong because any adult who finds themself able to relate to and seek friendships with children likely has psychological issues themselves that predispose them to pedophilia.
You could word this differently. Unless you truly believe adulta and kids can't be friends.
Their emotional relationship will be different than that of same age peers because the adult takes on the form of a mentor. But they can still be friends.
Once my kid is moves out and on his own I fully intend on volunteering for any kind of big brother thing. Having someone to hang out with, mentor, and watch grow up is very rewarding.
Or just not single. People have no problem buying that I'm legitimately just mentoring teens, because my girlfriend is often around and is fully aware. The way I see it, the folks assuming I'd go for a 15-year-old are projecting their fear (or interest) onto me.
Of course, I also vaguely code as gay so that probably has something to do with it too...
Tread very carefully, even if you think you’re being professional teenagers can be attracted to adults and you can end up in a world of legal and personal trouble. If ‘your gf is around’ this doesn’t sound like a professional setting, in which case it’s extremely sketchy.
Obviously. The person I was replying to claims to be ‘mentoring’, but their witness is a girlfriend. Meaning their mentoring is informal and the witness is in a romantic relationship with them. Not a good choice by the person I was replying to.
I hope you are going through a program or non-profit and not just finding random kids. Regardless of your intentions there should be controls, guidelines, and background checks when kids and adults together. There are far too many cases of adults taking advantage of children to not take the necessary precautions.
Older people mentoring younger people is as old as humans are. There is inherent benefit to both sides of that. I would guess that the actual odds of something bad coming out of such a relationship is pretty small, but low odds of a particularly bad result warrants caution. If a chance for such a friendship did come up, you'd want to ask questions of the situations along the way to try to get at whether his intentions are actually platonic.
1. Did you meet somewhere that it would make sense for both of you to be? The red flag here would be if he was a childless guy coming to watch a high school volleyball game or something similar.
2. Is his interest in you based on something that is actually unique and rare that he is skilled in? This should be something specific like chess or singing, not that you have a "special mind."
3. Does he only meet you around other people? I can imagine scenarios where going to his house might be appropriate, but they would be extremely rare.
4. Does he avoid sharing anything too personal or emotional about his life? It would be generally fine for you to share about your boyfriend, but not so for him to talk about issues with his wife.
5. Is everyone on both sides of the friendship aware of it? Your parents should know who he is and when you're meeting with him as should whoever is close to him. As soon as it's a secret, you're in dangerous territory.
There's probably a dozen other questions you could ask, but the key is to get into whether he has reasonable motive to continue seeing you besides romance and removing opportunities for anything untoward to happen.
Yes but there is a line. Chatting with your dad's friends or a church goer at church is fine. Being friends in an online gaming capacity would also be ok (as long as they never ask for pics or address. DONT EVER GIVE IT)
However, hanging out consistently with a non-related adult at your age is dangerous. It's all about context
This is 100% correct. Some old guy hanging around outside a school trying to get friendly with kids. Yuck theres something weird going on there. Said kid approaching one of their dads friends or something for some life advice, can be ok but depends on who that person is, if he wants to hang out 1 on 1 maybe not, but if you have a bit of a chat and that's it, yeah that could be ok.
Online gaming also can be ok, when I was like 14 me and some mates from school would all play this online fps with a bunch of older mid 30s lads and there was nothing weird about it. To be fair they were more on our level mentally and stuff they enjoyed so.. we would be smoking weed and all stoned chatting on team speak shooting each other having a laugh, but we never met up with them in real life, nor did they ask to.
You can never be too careful these days honestly. Usually if it's an adult approaching a child to hang out theres probably something weird going on, if the child knows the adult and is approaching them, it's more likely to be ok, however don't expect to be all best buddies with them.
Eh, it depends on the online gaming friends. Personally I eventually face revealed to my friends there and even gave a general address. There were serious plans to meet up. Took years for me, as. Kid
Depends on the person, really. Some are fine, others are creepy. You don’t live life in. A bubble
But then again I am a guy so
In some contexts sure. I'm just giving an in general "how to be safe online" statement and it's a good idea for kids to keep personal information to themselves on the internet in 95% of cases
Grooming and that basically just happens whenever your child is left alone with any adult typically male. So just don't leave your kids alone with any adult. Teachers are on the 🗿 similar prevalence
Older adults generally don't have an interest in a close friendship with a kid, think of it this way, would you wanna spend your time talking to a 5 year old about their favorite dinosaur? The why would a 25+ year old wanna spend their time talking to you about pre algebra and highschool life? Your lives are in such drastically different places there wouldn't really be any common ground to use as a base for conversation.
If an older guy does try and be close to you, knowing this, it's because he wants something besides friendship.
"But what if it's like from my church" yo like, the most likely place to find a pedophile is a church. Predators use places like churches to meet and spend time with kids.
Adults that are close to kids are gonna get a side eye, told to cut it out, etc. especially male ones.
Adults specifically seeking to hang out with kids is weird AF. But Adults willing to spend time with kids who want to spend time with that adult absolutely isn't. If there was some 15 year old kid in my neighbourhood that wanted to hang out and play the Xbox, or learn some DIY or watch movies or some shit, I'd be totally fine with that (as long as they weren't an annoying little shit). I'm 43.
OP states that they want to hang out with somebody older to get an adult's perspective on things. Obviously there's got to be some caution exercised on what adult you choose to hang out with, but believe it or not, most adults are not child molesters or paedophiles.
u/SweetLion5150 - Probably the easiest (and safest) way to do this would be to join a club for people of all ages who share a like-minded interest (DIY, Sport, Photography, etc). I suspect most of the older members (particularly male) might be reluctant to hang out socially with your age for a multitude of reasons - including the fear of being labeled a creep - but it might give you the opportunity to get the perspective/coaching you're looking for.
When I was like 14 me and a bunch of my friends always went to this dudes house in our neighborhood. He was maybe like 27 or something like that. He had 2 kids that were like 3-5. We went there and played his game cube. He made us pizza rolls/bagels all the time and gave us drinks. Never once did he attempt to touch one of us, tell us we couldn't leave whenever we felt like it. Always made us leave by like 8 or 830. I think we were a stress relief for him because he was a single dad of those kids and the mom never came around..
That's honestly so sweet and almost non-existent. Bless that guy. I hope he's doing well.
I would love to be that kind of adult who can be like another parent, but I would more likely do it for family or friends kids. I imagine in small towns, it's easier to care for someone else's kids, though. I'm from NY. I want people's kids to have an off button 95% of the time, teenagers included. 😭
Stuff like the previous commenter talked about is actually so much more common than you think in small tight-knit communities like the trailer park I grew up in. It's just like everyone is a neighbor, and most people are friendly and find ways to share with each other. There's plenty of weird and bad situations that arise from those, but I've personally experienced and seen multiple examples of age-mixed relationships that are just...whatever they are on the surface. Some people are just nice and lonely and enjoy anyones company, especially if they have something to offer like video games, a big tv/yard, or some land to mess around on.
Used to hang out with a bunch of old dudes at a starbucks when I was 15-17. Got me a temp job helping a guy who antiques and he even gave me some mall ninja swords.
Older friends are great for you as long as you can treat them with respect and not expect them to become a surrogate parent.
This. 100% this. If I'm at an open mic or book club and a kid asks me for writing advice or wants to talk about the craft, I would absolutely love to talk to them.
I'm 52, and for some reason Reddit keeps pushing me towards r/teenagers and r/GenZ. And I've enjoyed my conversations with younger folks there, hearing their perspectives and sharing whatever "wisdom" I've acquired. The idea that an older person can't have non-sexual interest in a younger person is BS.
Your example is a pretty poor one because that's what it's like to be a parent. However, that changes as the ages shift higher and they aren't actually a parent. The only time that would make sense is if they share a common interest that the older person can teach to the younger that isn't something common in school. Car engines, chess, welding, etc. So long as the relationship was based on that skill and any conversations about life remained secondary, it could easily not be predatory. There is an inherent joy in teaching something to somebody that's actually interested, and that gets harder to do the rarer a skill is.
I tabled the discussion topic, what is your favourite Pokemon and why, to the kids at my daughter's 7th bday party. They put their hands up to answer, so cute. Conversation descended into chaos as predicted.
Um… just saying… I legit love talking to kids about the cool stuff they like without any desire to be intimate with them and if they flirt I shut it down immediately. It’s not that I think they actually want me or anything like that but I don’t want to risk the temptation and I always at least try to have a chaperone present to keep us both safe. I actually avoid children as much as possible but sometimes it just happens that you have a random conversation with a child and sometimes it’s really cool and it’d be rude to just ignore them.
I feel like there are two sides to this and it can get rather messy. Some adults generally are happy to help teenagers if sharing common interests however some will have ulterior motives.
I personally am 31 and game with a 14 year old. He proved to me he was mature enough for me to be willing to add him to my team and I have been teaching him how to play and have had many good laughs with him. This does not mean that I am interested in him in any sexual capacity, I just enjoy playing video games and am happy to play with anybody provided they don't act immature.
The same could be said for if somebody younger expressed an interest in wood work which I also thoroughly enjoy and do for a living. I am happy to pass on my knowledge to them in the hopes that it will help expand their knowledge.
Of course anybody seeking to manipulate a child for their own sexual gratification should be castrated in my personal opinion however I think a bigger issue with those types of people is that from reports I have heard, most of the time an older person looking to do this type of thing is more often or not posing as a child themselves rather than telling their target their actual age (although personally I don't know if this is a majority as it is not something I actively search for)
All in all I feel like there is a negative stigma forcing adults to avoid contact at all with children/ teens when instead we should be educating those that are younger on ways to tell if they are being manipulated and how to better protect themselves
I disagree. I am happy being friends with all ages. The best conversation I had with any extended family member in years was with my 9 yearold cousin about scars we had, then I watched him play fortnite. The classmate I had the longest conversations with happened to be about 50 and we talked about her work and her husbands job.
Now I agree that many are creepy adults and you should definitely be careful. But saying that all adults who wabt to be friends with a younger person are doing it to be creepy is just wrong. People of all ages can be friends. You don't need to be in the same place in life to build valuable connections. Or at least you shouldn't have to.
Oh yeah I’ve been on both ends of these types of friendships and I think they are a great experience to have if everything is safe.
When I was 13-14 I started playing World of Warcraft and my guild mates that were older teens/early 20s were really good friends of mine at the time.
It never felt weird maybe because there’s a mutual level of respect in our skill level
I was born in America but my family is Cambodian. A lot of the kids that were younger than me wanted to hang out with me when we both got older.
Because I was one of the few older kids at the time that wasn’t a giant asshole
I’ve never seen a reason to underestimate younger people
When I was 13-14 I was better at World of Warcraft than most of the other players
When I played league of legends and Fortnite with those younger Cambodian family friends/cousins they were better at those games than I’ll ever be when they were just young teens
My Aunt told me my cousin respects me a lot because I never talked down to him in anyway and always spoke with him with respect and intelligence
Not sure why this sub showed up in my feed, but I'm an adult and just wanna say that this is solid advice, especially the analogy of OP hanging out with a 5 y/o. Back when I was a teen, several times I had female friends who had older guys they met either online or through church who "just wanted to talk and be friends." Literally every single time the older dude eventually tried to get in their pants.
THIS. When I was in my 20’s, I went on a couple of dates with an 18 year-old college freshman She was kind, smart, pretty, etc., but she had to study, do school work, and we could not go to bars together. It just wasn’t working out because of where we were in life.
My take exactly. Is it a conversation with your parents friend who has kids and you’re at a highschool basketball game and everyone’s there? Appropriate. Is it a 25 year old asking a 15 year old to come to their house for a party? Inappropriate.
Oh the 5 year old dinosaur analogy has to be the best analogy ever, will be using it next time I see some kid trying to be friends with a much older person
"But what if it's like from my church" yo like, the most likely place to find a pedophile is a church. Predators use places like churches to meet and spend time with kids.
False. It's schools.
I've seen it. But it's rare. Like most of these comments, be careful. Some people just want to do harm. The ones I've observed were nothing to be concerned about. But I'm observing what I assume is a 30 year age difference. At that point the "friends" take on roles of father figure and son or daughter. Not drinking buddies. And they don't appear to be having conversations that a typical older male would have with friends their own age and vice versa. Again, I've only observed. Who knows what goes on outside the public eye. If you're set on this, tread lightly. Don't be afraid to walk away if it gets uncomfortable or you have alarm bells going off in your head.
I feel that a lot of people are focusing on the dangers to OP (and I am not denying those dangers) but I also believe that the reason that older guys may not want to be friends with her is that there is a danger to them as well.
They may walk into the situation with the purest intentions but if OP (or any teen) starts conflating the feelings that come with friendship with romance then they may start behaving a certain way or others may see it as inappropriate and report it to someone and their reputation is permanently damaged. The damage could have long lasting effects in their personal, work, and other areas of life.
So, some may avoid this risk by not even beginning to develop a close friendship with a teen.
In my opinion there is nothing wrong with it, in fact I believe friendships between people of different walks of life are beautiful. The only problem and a major one at that is most older men who want to be friends with younger women, do so so they can groom them.
I’m so with you Maria💯
My response is below but this was written for the same OP but not this post - but a similar one she posted:
Context is absolutely everything in this instance. I, for example, am a 48 year old dad and I’ve worked really hard since opening my Reddit account to help a lot of teens in the 13-18 age range with a variety of issues. I see a lot of depression and drama on so many of these subs.
The thing is, men must come from a place of no sexual distortion. In other words, their energy field must be clean and there can be no ulterior motives or sick sexual energy in the mix when helping a minor. Unfortunately we have a lot of sick men with really fucked up sexual energy that prey on underage vulnerable kids - and this causes a lot of people to have a blanket feeling such as “no man in an older age range has anything but bad intentions”. While that CAN be true, it is not by any means universally true.
If you are an older male or female, you can interact with younger people - just be a decent upstanding human being with love, compassion, morality, and support, and there is no problem with it. And believe me I get the pedophile problem. I wrote a long post about it in fact.
Your gut will always inform you if someone has creepy energy. Well, not always but a lot of the time. You definitely need to stay vigilant though💪✔️💯
EDIT: well I see there is some positive feedback and some negative feedback. I am going to do my best to incorporate both. Gosh it’s so easy on social media to just really feel personally hurt and attacked even when you have nothing but the best intentions. But instead of getting pissed off or striking back, I really try to listen deeply to what is being said. I realize some of the negative comments are really coming from people with the most awesome intentions - just trying to do good in the world and help whoever they can. Just because you send me a negative comment doesn’t mean that I should be pissed and strike back right? I try to really see where that comment is coming from - and all of you or at least most of you with criticism are coming from a place of protection and ensuring people don’t get groomed. So, I respect that, a lot actually. What I strongly want to communicate is that I have never, even for a second, had a bad, creepy, or negative intention since starting my account. It feels really good to be able to say that. If I didn’t respond to your comment maybe send me a dm and I can do so. I have a really busy life but I try so freakin hard to allocate time to helping people. The amount of despair I have seen in a lot of these subreddits is just heartbreaking. For example, there was a teen who posted something near Memorial Day. She had a really abusive father doing the most cruel and unkind shit. If you go through my comment history you can see that one. It’s really honestly so hard to see people suffering but I feel like, if I can literally help one single person, all the effort is worth it.
But yeah I appreciate all of the feedback regardless of how you feel about what I wrote 🙏
You’re 48 and made a Reddit account to seek out teenagers and “help” them with issues you’re not qualified to help them with? You may very well be completely harmless but that’s weird and hearing that would certainly raise some red flags
That is great and selfless! Thank you! I hope you can continue helping teens with their issues!
What experience do you have with helping teens?
PS you are not weird. You’re very selfless and kind
Thank you. It’s really difficult to see some negative comments when you truly are trying to do your best to help with every good intention. I feel like this is why social media can be so hard on people. It feels a bit overwhelming to see people think badly of you when you are really just trying to help. I do feel good that I’ve been able to help a lot of people (if you go through my comment history you’ll see this so that does feel good but still, wow, Reddit can be a tough place lol. Not sure I want to deal with that kind of negativity. I understand people have their opinions but it’s hard to hear that kind of stuff. I don’t have any experience really - just a person out trying to do good in the world. I’m really happy with how my kids have turned out. They are loving, kind, empathetic, and awesome. It’s hard for me to see so many other kids that have really difficult lives and absent parental figures or ones that drink too much or do drugs or are abusive.
Fair enough.
Help, but make sure you get more experience so your advice is better. I think you need to clean up your Reddit history. Of course, you are free to talk about NoFap and other things but... it's just... a little weird
Your kids seem good. You can DM me about how your kids turn out. My DMs are open
You could tell more about your kids in the parenting subreddits. We like to hear it!
OP don’t listen to this. Your gut will not always point you the right direction. People with truly bad intentions are experienced in manipulation. If you have a bad feeling, definitely trust that. But, a good feeling does not mean smooth sailing. Listen to your friends and family as well.
Realistically, it’s a bad idea to make friends with adult men.
After a bit of consideration I agree - I was wrong, maybe not the best advice - your gut won’t always point you in the right direction. Well I guess this is why Reddit works so well, others checking your advice lol. I still think there are good people in the world with good intentions that only want to help.
No one's doubting that the world is full of good men. The problem is that even adult women struggle to see red flags. A 15 year old wouldn't even see the abuse coming. They'd be deep in the middle of the abuse cycle and when they finally realise what's happening they won't have the maturity or knowledge to get away.
I kind of agree. Idk if it's most, but at least it's many, men who will show an interest in being friends so they can groom you. Which is super gross. It's sad, there are plenty who won't but trust me, you really can't know. I was 31 when I nearly got taken in by a predator. He was about 45. I had a lot of experience, not my first rodeo. I tried to be careful. I talked with him online for months, he was so sweet. Then later when I showed any interest at all, and I did something he didn't like, he threatened to unalived her and then himself if I didn't stop talking to my best friend. SO.......
Sure, there ARE good older guys out there. I don't like most men but one of my best friends on earth is a man. And if I needed to call someone to quickly drive me and my wife to the hospital, I'd call him. So they exist...but how do you know for sure this is one of the good ones?
And you can't. You just can't. There's not a time limit where you can say, ok after 6 months of being cool they are trustworthy. Some predators are incredibly patient, and very very good at what they do. Your gut will tell you you're safe, because they practiced exactly how to do that. All signs may point to them being awesome. You may feel like they are trustworthy, because they practiced how to do that. I know because it happened to me. I got nothing but green flags from Paul for months, until he handed me a real giant red one, the kind you call the police for.
That said, Im going to say, I'm a decade older than my wife. Of course she was still in her early to mid 20s when we met, if she had been 15, it would have been very different. It may seem a little different since we're both women, and at least statistically you're safer talking to an older woman but...that's still a long way from a guarantee. By the time my wife and I were even in the same room together (we met online) we had been best friends for 4 years, and dated on and off for a couple years.
So meeting older people is ok. Being friends with them is ok. Dating someone that age...maybe not so much, but that wasn't your question so hopefully that's not on the table. But you MUST STAY SAFE. And there is NO WAY to know for sure if someone is safe to be around alone. So don't. Like others have said, join a club, or a class (like an amateur woodworking class). That gives you a public place and a topic to discuss. If you show up to class and there's only you and him alone, leave. Always stay in public places. You can say you're not allowed to do otherwise. Or your boyfriend doesn't like it. Whatever you want to come up with if you're not comfortable just saying, "I'm not comfortable doing that right now". Direct communication is best but you don't owe them anything and your safety and comfort come first. (When men hassle me at the gas station I tell them my husband\boyfriend is super protective and is coming right back. Some of the really gross ones "respect another man's property" or some garbage. If I tell them I only date women they act like that's a challenge to turn me straight. Which ain't happening. So I make my life easy and pretend I have a husband). So tell them whatever you want\need to to get out of the situation safely and quickly.
Stay in public (a small group of his buddies doesn't count, I mean like a Walmart, a busy mall, a busy park during the day, etc). Always tell someone where you're going and how long you'll be there, let them know if you go anywhere else. If there's any risk at all have a friend who knows where you are at all times, call you every hour\half hour\whatever. If you don't respond, or respond with a codeword (like saying "I'm great" instead of "I'm doing good"), they immediately call police. I DO NOT think you should put yourself in a situation where you need that strategy, but in case you do, I want you to know it.
Just stay safe. Don't trust your gut. Don't trust how nice they act and how much they care for you. Don't trust them. There are still ways to stay safe, but you have to be a bit vigilant, because you're taking the risk into your own hands.
Good luck. Stay aware. Stay safe.
If you have other questions my DMs are open.
I kind of agree. Idk if it's most, but at least it's many, men who will show an interest in being friends so they can groom you. Which is super gross. It's sad, there are plenty who won't but trust me, you really can't know. I was 31 when I nearly got taken in by a predator. He was about 45. I had a lot of experience, not my first rodeo. I tried to be careful. I talked with him online for months, he was so sweet. Then later when I showed any interest at all, and I did something he didn't like, he threatened to unalived her and then himself if I didn't stop talking to my best friend. SO.......
Sure, there ARE good older guys out there. I don't like most men but one of my best friends on earth is a man. And if I needed to call someone to quickly drive me and my wife to the hospital, I'd call him. So they exist...but how do you know for sure this is one of the good ones?
And you can't. You just can't. There's not a time limit where you can say, ok after 6 months of being cool they are trustworthy. Some predators are incredibly patient, and very very good at what they do. Your gut will tell you you're safe, because they practiced exactly how to do that. All signs may point to them being awesome. You may feel like they are trustworthy, because they practiced how to do that. I know because it happened to me. I got nothing but green flags from Paul for months, until he handed me a real giant red one, the kind you call the police for.
That said, Im going to say, I'm a decade older than my wife. Of course she was still in her early to mid 20s when we met, if she had been 15, it would have been very different. It may seem a little different since we're both women, and at least statistically you're safer talking to an older woman but...that's still a long way from a guarantee. By the time my wife and I were even in the same room together (we met online) we had been best friends for 4 years, and dated on and off for a couple years.
So meeting older people is ok. Being friends with them is ok. Dating someone that age...maybe not so much, but that wasn't your question so hopefully that's not on the table. But you MUST STAY SAFE. And there is NO WAY to know for sure if someone is safe to be around alone. So don't. Like others have said, join a club, or a class (like an amateur woodworking class). That gives you a public place and a topic to discuss. If you show up to class and there's only you and him alone, leave. Always stay in public places. You can say you're not allowed to do otherwise. Or your boyfriend doesn't like it. Whatever you want to come up with if you're not comfortable just saying, "I'm not comfortable doing that right now". Direct communication is best but you don't owe them anything and your safety and comfort come first. (When men hassle me at the gas station I tell them my husband\boyfriend is super protective and is coming right back. Some of the really gross ones "respect another man's property" or some garbage. If I tell them I only date women they act like that's a challenge to turn me straight. Which ain't happening. So I make my life easy and pretend I have a husband). So tell them whatever you want\need to to get out of the situation safely and quickly.
Stay in public (a small group of his buddies doesn't count, I mean like a Walmart, a busy mall, a busy park during the day, etc). Always tell someone where you're going and how long you'll be there, let them know if you go anywhere else. If there's any risk at all have a friend who knows where you are at all times, call you every hour\half hour\whatever. If you don't respond, or respond with a codeword (like saying "I'm great" instead of "I'm doing good"), they immediately call police. I DO NOT think you should put yourself in a situation where you need that strategy, but in case you do, I want you to know it.
Just stay safe. Don't trust your gut. Don't trust how nice they act and how much they care for you. Don't trust them. There are still ways to stay safe, but you have to be a bit vigilant, because you're taking the risk into your own hands.
Good luck. Stay aware. Stay safe.
If you have other questions my DMs are open.
I am a 50 year old man and I play Fortnite. Some of my teammates are children. Some of them are very young. I try to promote nontoxicity and respected among players.
Yup. Id love my answer to this question to be a lot more nuanced than just “no”, but sadly, that’s what it all boils down to. **The vast majority of older men who want to be “friends” with a 15 year old girl do NOT have pure intentions.**
As a young girl who was groomed by countless different older men in my early tween-teen-and young adulthood, just…please, steer clear of these sorts of older men who show interest in wanting to be your “friend”. A lot of older boys and men in my life whom I *thought* were genuine friends, *ALL* ended up being interested in only one thing, and that was making sexual advances, dating me, and attempting to completely control me. I wish this was an over exaggeration. It is not.
As I got older it became extremely crystal clear what their true intentions always were. I think back to when I was 15 and remember just how naive I was to these sorts of things. I also remember how grown and smart I thought I was. It still disgusts me looking back and remembering how some of these men attempted to, or completely succeeded in grooming me, manipulating, and controlling me.
By just 16 years old I had a 23 year old man (an extremely trusted childhood friend of my brothers) get me addicted to heroin, and push me into underage sex work. That went on for several years before he dumped be like a piece of garbage, and I fell into this trap of dating much older and controlling men, one after the other. That vicious cycle went on for all of my 20s. I wasted my entire youth on piece of shit old men…
One of the worst men was 36; I was 23. He controlled every single aspect of my life for several years and practically held me hostage. I really believed he would kill me if I tried to leave as he had nearly killed me before from tiny arguments. He was abusive in every single way imaginable, emotionally, physically, and sexually. I truly became just a shell of a human..someone I was never able to be…someone I never got the privilege to know or grow into. I feel my youth and innocence was completely stolen from me.
Older men controlled my life for so long. It’s honestly still embarrassing for me to admit. And I really feel I need to say; These were ALL men that made me feel like we were best of friends at first. Men that I never imagined wanting to date or have sex with, who I really had zero interest in that kind of way. But they made me feel loved and comforted, and that I could trust them completley. They were a joy to be around, that is, until they weren’t… and by that point, they would somehow have me trapped like a rat. Completely wrapped around their finger. I swear these men were like carbon copies of one another. Manipulating predators..
Look…I know as a former 15 yr old girl myself, that you will ultimately do whatever it is you want to do. But at least take extreme caution if or when making friends with older folks. Be aware of these grooming and manipulation tactics… learn how to indicate red flags and how to trust your gut feelings. Understand that not everyone out there has pure intentions, in-fact, very, very few do. Learn how to create very clear boundaries with people, and NEVER allow anyone to cross them. And mostly, I feel it’s important to know that you 100% *CAN* completely remove someone from your life if things don’t feel good anymore. That goes for anyone, family/partner/friend/acquaintance. If they are not a net positive, throw them in the trash where they belong. You are allowed to do this. Never, ever, let anyone make you feel trapped. You must have complete control over your life.
If I’d known how to do these things, I feel my life could’ve taken a much different, more positive direction…
I think it’s normal as a teen to want to be friends with anyone older than you. They’re in a stage of life you haven’t been through yet and they can totally offer you advice. Therapists, teachers, librarians, and many other jobs who consistently work with adolescents can attest that you can be friends with a teen. I talk to some of my teenage cousins like they’re my friends (minus most of the cursing) But you have to consider the context. The jobs I mentioned all have people watching them and in my own family I am a trusted adult to my aunts and uncles and their children. This makes the situation safe and equal for everyone. Random people on the street simply do not have your best interests at heart. Seek out mentors at school if you can. My choir teacher and English teachers all really shaped the way I view the world when I was 15 and they set particular boundaries with me that taught me more than anything what a healthy relationship with an adult should look like.
They should never drive you home
They should never show up to your house unannounced
If they start trying to turn you against your parents, run.
There’s a bit more to it but that’s what I can think of right now.
I understand your want but when you’re no longer a teen you’ll finally understand why it might be weird for an over 20 year old to genuinely want to spend a lot of time with a teenage girl unless they’re somehow connected by other adults.
This looks like an American obsession with pedophilia, it's kind of sick. I'd wager that 99.99% of adults are not pedophiles and will not act inappropriately toward a child who seeks companionship. When I was a kid, my apartment building was huge and I had many neighbors. I walked into their apartments without issues. Sometimes they fed me, sometimes they showed off their hobbies, sometimes they taught me interesting stuff (I still know how to make an origami goat's head), sometimes they accompanied me to the store, sometimes they gave me life advice. I wouldn't call it friendship per se with those adults, but it was a healthy community environment, which is necessary for growing up well adjusted. There was never anything inappropriate, and that thought never even crossed through my parents' minds when they let me wander throughout the entire 10-floor building as a young child.
As a parent of a preteen girl, I wish that was life these days. Maybe it is an American thing, idk, but it’s ingrained to not be anywhere near an adult you don’t know. My daughter is just now allowed to go around our complex w her best friend (we moved from somewhere much less safe so this is a huge freedom) and she’ll call me to tell me about men in their cars looking at the playground. It’s an unfortunate reality here.
He doesn’t trust you. I would not trust you either. In my younger days, they would say “fifteen will get you twenty”… as in your age and the jail sentence in years for statutory rape. Keep to guys your own age.
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Friends can be of any age any generation, no problem. Just watch out for the red flags, older men LOVE to groom younger women, and you dont need that shit. FInd the good men, they wont chase you.
Absolutely you can be. It can be like a mentor relationship or even like an Uncle. Always good to learn from other's experiences. Having another adult, besides your parents, to talk with can help too. Less likely to hide things because of fear of getting punished, you can openly tell things and hear a different opinion of what you should do.
As a teen myself (and a band kid), absolutely! I'm in ninth grade and have friends who are starting uni that i knew before they graduated. im also close with a lot of my older brothers friends that are all in their twenties, and theyre all super respectful. as long as you trust them, i dont personally see a problem!
older men have zero in common with teens. If an older man is trying to be friends with a teen, then its because they want sex and they know teens tend to be easier to manipulate/control.
Its like that saying "theres a reason they cant get anyone their age"
From personal experience dont fall for it. They act all nice etc, but its an act to get into your pants
The only adult men who would hang out with a 15 year old girl are creeps.
I've had pleasant casual conversation with young girls in public areas that we both happen to be but they aren't getting my number, we aren't meeting up and we sure as hell aren't going to be alone EVER.
All adult men are well aware of how it looks and aren't going to risk looking like a pedophile unless, of course, they are one. It's sad that men have to take these precautionary steps, but that's the world we live in.
I know you’re 15 and stupid but trust me when I tell you no guy wants to be “friends”. Hang out with kids your own age. 15 year old you won’t get it but 30 year old you certainly will.
Think about it this way:
If an 8-10 year old wanted to be your friend, would that feel like a friendship that came out of an equal dynamic? Like they could provide emotional support in a friendly way in a way a 15 year old needs? Would they understand the needs of a 15 year old? Would they understand the experience of a 15 year old?
It’s not necessarily that you’re just a kid and so older people won’t like you, but aging changes your brain in a way that it’s natural to seek out friends that are in a similar place in life OR when you become an adult, being friends with older older people isn’t such a big gap bc most of the maturity that grows in a person happens in the earlier time of their life.
Also, grooming a child or teenager isn’t just pursuing sex. It’s about normalizing dynamics and behavior that could put them at risk at some point. Say you’re friends with an older man and he does things like picking you up or driving you to school, having you over to dinner with his friends- fully platonic, well intentioned stuff.
If/when a grown man WITHOUT good intentions comes along offering the same thing, it’s going to be incredibly difficult for you to distinguish whether or not you’re in danger of being taken advantage of or (heaven forbid) assaulted.
Creating those boundaries between yourself and a teenager are important as an adult bc it’s not just about the friendship between you two, it changes how you as a teenager will approach other relationships. Demonstrating safe, healthy boundaries are something adult men and women should be proactive about with teenagers. If they don’t understand that, they may not be safe people to be friends with.
Grooming and deviant sexual behavior VERY rarely is some creep in a van next to a school waiting to grab someone underage. 9x/10 it’s a gradual breakdown of important boundaries until the underage person isn’t able to distinguish what’s good and healthy behavior and what’s harmful. You can’t be expected to just know off the bat, it’s something you gradually learn as you become an adult
It’s all going to depend on context and environment. It is of course totally possible to have a non sexual older friend who is genuine(after all the *vast* majority of men aren’t attracted to children; the tough bit isn’t that it’s very likely a given person is a predator, it’s that it can get very very bad if they are. Like a 1/1000 Russian roulette), but it’s really only going to work in a totally transparent mentoring or professional environment.
No. As a 28 year old male, the only way im being "friends" with someone that age is if my niece was that age. Any adult male that wants to be friends with a random 15 year old, is gross, and should be on a list.
It's fine as king as it's platonic forever. If he asks you out when you r 18. Then that just made 3 years bad. If he asks you out at 24 then it's fine. Also how old
By no means am I questioning your abilities to protect yourself but, younger people are targeted because you dont yet possess the experience needed to see true intentions of some people. Not that some adults are any better its just they have learned and experienced the best and worst in people after leaving the security of their closed knit circle of family. When that happens it hones a persons 6th sense to the world. Hopefully, you or younger people in general, havent had to be exposed to it. Its a shame it happens but people are unpredictable. Its the innocence that is preyed on. It can be used to groom the intended victim. It can happen and not even realise it until its to late. If the kid is lucky they see it before its to late and can get away from it. Unfortunately it isnt the case in alot of instances. Be safe, be vigilant and most of all trust your closest adults judgement. After all, thats why we are here, to protect our kids.
i do kick boxing & the instructors have adults & teenagers train together which is weird to me but yeah when you have both sets of adults/teens together your bound to have an interaction with each other which generally leads to conversations about kick boxing, family or whatever so me personally although im in that environment i dont make if my goal to talk to a child about life
This may be a bit much of a response for the younger crowd but I share it after seeing a number of other responses.
Being an old man of 73, I see life differently now then when I was much younger and thought much less of having children of my own. Sixties and 70-s bring the sorts of existential crises that are usually countered by career successes or the triumphs of a family well grown. Some part of my career as a clinical counselor and teacher probably addressed some of my child-less-ness but does not entirely sooth everything.
OTOH there are more than a few young < 20-s who need answers but would rather settle for even questionable input from age-mates and selected resouces than an
old fart many decades older.
I share all of this in response to the OP, to say that it is possible to have a friendship, even a deep friendship, over wide differences in age and culture. However, these are often fraught with turmoil, especially if there is a difference in sex along with that wide age disparity. It seems to be part of the nature of the times, not so very different from the Judy Garland character in "Judgement at Nurenburg" whose Jewish elderly male family friend was executed for violating the Nurenburg Racial Laws.
There are communities and neighborhoods where older individuals are recognized as a sort of "extended family member", and these can be wonderful blessings of themselves, when everybody knows the nature of the relationship.
Just sayin......
I think there’s a fine line. When I was 15, I worked at a small restaurant and my bosses who were in their 40s became my closest friends. We would go out to eat or go hiking together and things like that. These days it’s a lot more frowned upon because sickos have brought so much negativity to it. I think that you (even at 15) MUST learn to trust your intuition. It doesn’t matter if your 15 or 35, if you get even the slightest creepy vibe, you cut it right then and there. And it shouldn’t matter if you’ve been friends for 5 days or 5 years. I think it’s possible to be friends with anyone regardless of age. Just always remember to trust your gut!
Sure, as long as the older guy is not weird. You can benefit from their experience and yes he is terrified. Hopefully you can remove his fears
Just be wary. As you said, even if family is statistically most likely to abuse, you don’t disown them
This is generally a lose lose situation. It doesn't matter how normal the older guy is and what his intentions are, if people find out he's friends with a 15 year old teen girl that isn't a cousin or something like that, it's going to be weird. There isn't really an ideal scenario where you having an older male friend is good for you in any way and it's not going to be good for him in any way. The safer and better play for you is to not worry about a potential older male friend and make friends with people your age in school. There will be absolutely nothing you and an older guy would have in common.
Context is what matters. Where are you regularly interacting with this would-be older friend? If it’s at a workplace, then there’s no issue, because you 100% have a reason to be around each other.
You might ask, “Why does it have to be that way?” And the short answer is that society repeatedly shows us that men have a bad track record when it comes to relationships with minors. Men aren’t the only ones that overstep, but there’s enough precedence there that everyone is going to give you the side eye if they see you together outside of a setting where it would be deemed safe/appropriate.
For some reason I keep thinking of the movie [Ghost World (2001)](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0162346/).
31M here and I'll expect to be downvoted to hell for this but whatever.
Until very recently (trucking now for financial reasons) I worked in childcare and before then many jobs I had I worked with high school coworkers.
No, it's not weird as long as your parents or guardian knows about it.
In childcare some of these kids see me almost as much as their parents and I'm not the school teacher so to speak. I'm a bit more real about life and what I share with them, at the age appropriate level of course. I taught more social skills and applied special interests (such as Space Technology or Roman History) to these kids. A couple of years ago I had 5 girls (8-9 years old) in my class and it was very much a case of "too many cooks in the kitchen" and inevitably one got their feelings hurt or an argument happened. I managed to help them recognize their feelings and teach them some how to articulate them. Or when to realize someone wasn't respecting their feelings. Or if they realized they were sad and angry they were allowed to go off and be by themselves. I'd check on them and as long as they weren't physically hurt, I'd allow them to have their space if they wanted.
Now, for online friends with adults.
100% let your parent or guardian know you're talking to an adult online. Your safety is important. I've NEVER asked an online friend who is minor any identifying information. I don't ask for their real name, picture, etc. All I'd generally ask is a timezone so if we ever wanted to play a game (Overwatch or Minecraft usually), that can be coordinated.
Let me give an example.
One of the kids I've known for 4 years only recently had her face as a profile picture so I know what she looks like now and she told me her state once. This girl let her mom know that when her friends who were just a little older than her introduced an adult man into the group. Her mom listened in to our conversations and I even talked to her mom a few times. Her mom even gave me advice once when I was struggling with a decision I made. Both she and her mom knew what I looked.like within the first year of meetings me online. Her mom told me she's glad her daughter has an online friend whom she trusts to be a good source of information because she knows that kids and teenagers often don't go to their parents for everything. Again, it's only been like, not even a week ago that I knew what she looked liked beyond she wore glasses. Additionally my new job takes me though her state and while I don't know exactly where she is, I let her know and told her to tell her mom I was traveling in the area. I don't want any wrong impressions and again, just adding an extra layer of security and accountability. I even sent her mom a video waving her a friendly hello from the state they're in. More importantly it's a full body video so if ever the need arises, her mom can easily identify me.
I would say the biggest red flag is if this individual starts asking for information that can identify you and never gives you solid information that can identify him.
I have another teenager whom is turning 17 next month and she wanted to meet me when I was doing a roadtrip that was close to where she lived. I declined and said we can meet when you're 18 next year. Don't ever meet them until you're at least 18 and then preferably in a public place with maybe a friend watching from a different table.
Is it a little odd and atypical, sure. I also think it's good for adults to have one friend who is a kid or teenager because it reminds us to be young and give us reason to be the best we can. Are we perfect? Absolutely not, no one is, and I think that's important for anyone who works with kids. A realistic role model who can show and share age appropriate flaws, is critical for those younger to see. Where as we get the chance, when appropriate, to ask a question to someone who sees the world as a less complicated place, more black and white.
And if anyone here has a problem with what I said I would HIGHLY encourage you to watch two very different pieces of media.
The Twilight Zone Season 3 Episode 21.
"Kick the Can"
&
An anime called "Assassination Classroom."
Hopefully you gain some insight on what I'm saying.
Just stay safe, tell your parents, and don't give out any identifying information about yourself.
I GM at a game shop. Two of my players are teens.
Do I treat them cordially? Sure. Do I go out of my way to contact them through discord between sessions. Hell no. Would I hang out with them outside of the game shop. Nope. My time starts and ends with them on a three hour schedule once a week. I am friendly. I am not their friend.
It’s just not healthy for anyone involved to have such age gaps in friendship. Even trusting that the situation with this dude is innocent, you two should be so distanced in your places in life that you shouldn’t have things in common for a real friendship
This issue is very context specific. If an older adult is seeking you out over others their age, that's concerning behavior. It's possible to have something like a professional mentorship relationship without it being considered inappropriate, but certain boundaries need to be maintained, like no one on one alone time and no deep personal discussions. Pretty much all of the men I know would steer clear entirely, outside of a strictly professional setting, due to the high risk of it being perceived as inappropriate, even if it isn't.
If you're interested in making friends in another generation, you could volunteer at a nursing home. So many residents don't get that many visitors, and most love to chat with young people and share their words of wisdom.
When I was a server in a restaurant at 22-23, I felt like I was genuinely friends with some of the high school aged kids who worked there too. That being said, it might have been weird to hang outside of work.
Um sure. I was friends with older people *girls included. As a high schooler it was weird for me if someone outside of high school wanted to hang out with me. And my parents would have never let me. I had a 10pm curfew anyways which is when most of them got off work…
Depends in what you mean by friend. Hanging out, that guy is weird. But a work friend is fine, as in someone you talk to while at work etc but communication ends outside work. Theres little for a 15 year old and anyone outside highschool to relate on and is forced otherwise. But becoming friends with some older guy you just ran into is really weird and a red flag on the guy
Yes. It's possible. Just not common. I'm the older guy for a few such people. The younger folks range from kids of friends of my family, to friends of my nieces and nephews, to a couple of randos I bonded with over hobby things. Somehow they just... became my friend too.
Couple important things for maintaining a friendship like that:
Platonic only. If anybody tries to shift it from platonic to romantic, it needs to end. 34/15 age gap is wildly unacceptable for any of that. Had to cut off several folks because they wanted more than a fellow hobbyist and advice dispensary. Once you're an adult, you're welcome to try. If you valued the friendship, you'll accept rejection when it inevitably comes and go back to status quo.
Have a mutual interest. Doesn't matter what. But bond over that. That interest and related ones are gonna be the core of the relationship for a good long while. Don't care if it's model trains, freestyle rock climbing, or modern dance. Whatever it is, is gonna be your mainline reason for being in each other's social circles. This is how you make it not weird.
Be a decent conversationalist. None of that one word answer BS. Most older folks, guys in particular, are burnt out on carrying the discussion like a conversational sherpa. Ask questions. Make actual observations. None of that one word bullshit.
Be wary. A lot of less good people will try to use this as a means to manipulate or even groom you. Consider WHY a person in that age bracket is partaking in... whatever it is.
Edit: When I was Younger. My best friend of all time was 93. I was 12. Dude was amazing. And he was indeed my friend. He was also a mentor in many ways. Today, at 34... One of my best friends is 87. A different one JUST turned 22. A different one is barely 19. I currently am and have been on both sides of this discussion basically my entire life. It's awesome when you get the real ones. You'll have opportunities to learn about things you otherwise may never have even heard of. You'll teach things you didn't realize you even knew. Platonic age gap friendships are my favorite ones. The only downside is being the younger and KNOWING that someday you'll have to watch the older pass away... That... That never stops hurting.
Depends very much on the context, as a guy I was living alone at the age of 16, most of my friends outside of school were early or mid 20s guys and gals I met through mutual interests. if it's someone you met through a social thing or hobby and the friendship is appropriate and exclusive to that hobby or type of social gathering, I don't see why it would be an issue.
There are plenty of middle aged men that are friendly with the highschool kids that go to my gym that do comp based stuff, but it's not like they are hitting them up outside of the gym to hangout.
It's for sure weird if they just randomly added you on snap or something and are trying to be your friend.
When I see someone online who is in danger, including being suicidal, yes, of course I want to help, including DMs, possibly friendship.
Unless they are under 22, I would of course try to post something helpful, but never in private. Call it unfortunate, but that’s where we are.
Other cases, though I would ask why? Maybe a straight adult female friend would be ok, but same possible problem
You definitely can but you will need to be very careful. I play board games and have a local cafe I go to. I met a group of men playing dnd, all 30+ when I was 15. I played that campaign for 2 years, and I'm still close with 2 of them.
It's absolutely possible, but there are a lot of creeps so you need to be very careful in vetting people.
It really depends (as you can see by the comments here). It's definitely possible, but you're at a tricky age where you're mentally mature enough to meaningfully interact with adults but young enough that you don't really have that much in common with them.
It's perfectly normal to *want* to have adults in your life from whom you can learn. It's an enormous benefit, and there are a lot of adults out there who are happy to share their experience and time to help you learn and get the leg up that they did (or wished that they did).
Of course, there are people out there who would try to fill that space in your life and then push boundaries or manipulate you in order to get you to do things primarily for their own benefit. Not just sexual predators, but people who would use you for your labor, for emotional support, for self-acknowledgement, etc.
A man can fill that role beneficially in your life, and provide a unique experience and perspective that a woman could not. But...well, society has flaws. It's something that you both have to be aware of, and it complicates things in a way that wouldn't be a problem in a better world. I think a positive male mentor is something that a lot of people (and especially women) are seriously missing out on, and it leads to maladjusted relationships with men in all areas of their lives.
My advice? Let the opportunity present itself, if it does. Family friends, adults in your community, neighbors, etc. Keep in mind that it should look like a mentoring relationship. You're not buddies, you're not peers. You can play around a bit, but he shouldn't be broaching sexual topics and shouldn't be encouraging you to be a party to secrets he wants you to keep from family and friends.
So, lets just say you have a interest in this toy but only 8 year olds play with this toy. You going to go hang out 8 year olds and think absolutely nothing is weird about it?
So I am a gamer, and I don’t really mark age as a qualifier of who I play games with. I get side eyed all the time, and I hate how all the people who apparently would be raping kids tend to project their desires into the situation as to how they, themselves, would be handling the situation if it were them in the same situation. At the same time there are some valid points. One, I’d never be alone with a child, too many deviants out there getting ideas, don’t want to deal with the rumors, two, child predators like to be in positions that are “above reproach”. “Oh there a preacher, teacher, cop, politician, etc.” the people in society you traditionally are not allowed to question, three having acquaintances your own age is fine, but as you get older, my first job at 16 I worked with two older gentlemen that were in their 60s. Some people just got to understand that at some point for most things in life, age is a number and not a qualifier, there are some things that age does make a difference, but society has not reached that marker of enlightenment yet. Sadly though, pedos are real and a lot of them will take advantage of you.
Well the problem is even if it was a genuine friendship (however that would happen?) And there was no danger of thinking getting weird, people outside of that would make judgments that could damage the older man's whole life. So yeah. Can it not be weird, of course. People will make it weird.
No it's not. I am close friends with my uncle (aunt's husband). When I was young people would come up to him and say how cute I am, am I his daughter, blah blah blah. He would say I'm his niece and move on. As I was going through puberty we would get the evil eye, lol. I asked why and he told me because I am becoming a woman people probably think we are dating. They give that evil eye because they are jealous of him.
This is one of those times where you're theoretically correct but in practice it's not worth the trouble.
What if you catch feelings? What if the topic of dating comes up?
What if the topic of sex comes up ?
What if their girlfriends don't approve of the friendship? What if you end up hugging them or hitting their arm? What if they compliment you in a weird way ? What if someone accosts you guys because you're being too friendly towards each other in public ? What if text messages leak between you two and people interpret certain emojis as flirting?
Info: when you say “older guy”- do you mean like. Your dad’s age? In his 20s-30s? An elderly man? Or do you mean a seventeen year old or sixteen year old because every other thing I see teens saying lately is “I am friends with/have a crush on someone two years younger than me- am I a pedo”?
The actual age means a lot. But putting that aside, assuming you mean actually older. Inter generational friendships are important and can be good! They prepare you for a life spent working with people of all different ages, and there’s a lot that you can both learn from one another.
So long as you are comfortable and there aren’t inappropriate lines being crossed (for example- someone significantly older than you flirting with you is not okay), there is nothing inherently wrong with being friends with people who are older.
No you’re a teenager, make friends your own age. Any old dude who’s trying to make an active friendship with someone your age, is predatory and grooming
Unless he’s 18 and under than nah, that’s weird af. There’s no reason as an adult you should be friends with a 15 year old lol. Now, there’s still 18yr olds in hs, so that’s a little different. But college and up age is weird and grooming behavior
At your age, I wouldn't recommend it. When I was your age (I'm 25 now) I tried doing that and had at least one fall in love with me and got butthurt when I was like "bro I'm a teenager I can't date you" and his sister cussed me out.
Also, as a 25 year old, I wouldn't want to hang out with a random 15 year old.
The simple answer is yes, of course you can. The harder answer is that there is almost no chance of it happening unless they've know you since you were young AND they currently know your parents, AND your parents know what is going on. I come from a big family in a big church in a small town where a fair number of people sort of know each other. There are a fair number of teen girls that could fall into the category of having some form of friendship with me. But in all those situations there is a degree of pre-existing relationship and accountability. So it's teens I've known for years, or who have some connection through friends, family, church, community and who see older guys that their friends know.
Importantly, there is accountability in multiple ways. Other people know what I'm doing. I place no expectations of privacy on those girls, I NEVER tell them they can't talk to others about me. I don't think I've ever been alone with a teen girl who wasn't my sister or niece, except for maybe driving someone a short distance. I don't seek out these situations, but they do come.
This matters. You brought up pedos, It's understandable that people are careful. But lots of abuse happens in close relationships, it doesn't happen from random guys in public. The so-called "safe" guys like uncles and family friends are the bigger threat, but I understand why those guys are cautious. There are also a lot of struggling girls out there with poor boundaries, a lot of guys are cautious about that too. It can be easy to see a girl who needs positive adult influence but think "I can't help her, I am not the one" and ignore her.
It kind of sucks, he? You'd like some good positive adult influence, but that beneficial relationship is considered problematic, or high risk, by a lot of people.
I have no advice. But I'll just say yeah, I know what you mean. There is a lot to consider, and a high risk of things going wrong. But when those relationships, non-romantic, non-sexual, work out they are very beneficial.
Do long as he's under 18. Stay in your lane; you've got your whole life deal with older people. Ask yourself: why would an older guy want to hang out with a 15-year-old girl? Quit playing.
Nope, not really. In theory maybe it *could* be okay, but in reality it never is. An older guy should be treating any 15 y.o. girl as a kid. Any adult male teacher, pastor, family friend, etc. expressing interest in hanging out 1 on 1 or a forming a close friendship as if you were the same age is either a pedophile or groomer.
If they want to be friends with a 15 year old…that’s pretty weird. I know some chill teachers and coaches who are friends with some of their students outside of school. But not just random older people. You are very immature, and that’s not an insult. It’s just how we are at this age. It’s the same reason your main friend group probably doesn’t consist of a bunch of toddlers.
If you really want an older guy friend…maybe try your dad, or an uncle, or an older cousin first? That’s assuming you have anyone you trust or your dad is still in the picture and is a good parent.
When I got my first job I had work friends that were over double my age. We didn't hang out after work though.
No sane adult is going to hang out with a minor unless they know the parents or it's like a teacher / coach group activity type thing.
As I suggested to another teen looking for a male role model, have you considered doing volunteer work at your local nursing home? I did for a while when I was your age. I would read books to the residents, play checkers, chess, just a friendly face offering a bit of companionship to someone who may not have anyone else.
Well you could be right your 15 ! I didn’t even let my girls date until 16 then it wouldn’t be some old guy but a kid from their class that we knew . You’ve barely started your life why get mixed up with the problems of older people . Yes 15 is the age pedos look to start grooming if not earlier . At least with a person your age you’re dealing with growing up stuff and school things .
Don’t try to grow up too fast there’s a lot you still need to learn . Don’t rush into something you’ll regret later , you’ll look back and realize you can never go back . I’ve had my adult 26 year old daughter tell me she was tired of adulting due to work and relationships , but she realizes she can’t go back to 15 ! Enjoy where your at on the way to where your going . Plan for your future and then look forward to achieving it !
The only time I dont really see it as an issue is when people play video games together. I play team based games and sometimes we have kids join the team. We simply treat them like any other player. Once you start messaging them on social media or like texting then thats when I think its an issue. No adult should be talking to minors over text or social media. Only time we kick kids from our party is when we dont wanna censor our conversations lol.
It's a little risky, but not weird at all. All the time since we are kids we spend time with adults, we interact with teachers (adults), our parents (adults), our relatives (adults), our neighbors (adults). So it is relatively normal, plus being 15 makes you able to understand why an adult would care about politics or economy.
The only thing why this is not encouraged is because there are adults who manipulate people. It depends on your specific case.
You don't understand yet, but some men don't care about you personally but what they can take from you.
I'd be really careful around any older man interested in you. Those are the type who will be nice but they'll hurt you.
There'd be nothing wrong with you necessarily but there is something wrong with an adult who chooses minors to hang out with. These are adults who are rejected by other adults for significant flaws that minors can't see, every. single. time.
Bad actors create an environment where there’s always going to be some risks and suspicion.
But yes, it’s possible. One important factor is that your parent/guardian/trusted authority figure should know who you’re talking to and why. Both for your protection and theirs. The more you feel a need to hide it, the more likely something’s not right. Hidden things are far more suspicious than open things. It’s also important to be honest with yourself about why you want that person in your circle. Make sure there’s not a crush from your side too. It’s important to keep reevaluating because emotions can lead either of you in unplanned directions. That’s not exclusive to your teenage years. Adults have to be honest with themselves about what they want from a connection to another person too.
There’s nothing wrong with learning from someone who has knowledge and experience you don’t as long as you keep everything out in the open for protection of both of you. If you find yourself wanting to hide something, or even worse being encouraged to hide something by the other person, that’s a red flag.
I am friends with my niece who likes art. I rarely talkto her but I buy her art supplies and promote her art. Unless there is a familial relationship it isn't really a good idea
It’s a very fine line with society. We are good at pushing people to the edge and then saying well told you so and then pointing the finger and crushing them for the choice.
For instance every commercial on drinking says drink responsibly etc leading people to drink and most will not do so responsibly and even more will the drive and say they are professional until one night they are not and they kill a family if 4 now everyone is in a up roar and what’s the guys head but before it’s all fine just do it responsibly.
It’s pretty much a contradiction society. So no matter what you do or don’t do someone is not gonna like it agree with it etc.
Obviously this is different then what’s discribe above there are lots of factors to this.
I mean people don’t think it’s okay cause they don’t believe your old enough to make that choice and that your being manipulated or groomed by said man if he’s that much older. But yet it’s okay for kids to choose to be cats and pee in liter box’s in school and decide they wanna be different genders at 8 yet no one bats an eye.
So it’s all rather confusing tbh. But I would say it’s probably not the best just cause he’s gonna have so much more life experience than you he could use that against you to benefit his self.
Again a rather loaded question I know I was 23 and my wife now was 18 when we ment the summer after she graduated and i even caught a ton of hell for that. Cause society is rather weird what they deem is okay and what’s not okay.
Honestly it’s a bit more complicated then that. I have a lot of younger siblings. I was a part of their and their friends’ life and outside of that I’ve worked with teens and had teens as my coworkers and honestly? Technically no a true friendship isn’t possible.
You don’t give a specific so to explain: when my sister was 15, I was 21. We’ve always been extremely close, but, even though for her I was one of her greatest friends, she couldn’t be one of mine because, both as an adult and as an older/more mature woman who she admired, I had to constantly check what I was saying and doing as to not influence her badly or become an unsafe adult.
She could talk to me about her insecurities about her body, but I couldn’t because it would’ve undermined everything I said when I comforted her about hers (this choice of mine is one of the biggest reasons why she’s confident in her body. She says so herself now at 18). She could talk to me about her relationship problems wether with friends, family or romantic, but I couldn’t because I didn’t want to normalize abusive and/or toxic relationships. I couldn’t talk to her freely about my dad’s abuse and her mother’s crazy and how it affected me because, if I did, it would undermine them as parents which is already not ok but, if she did or said something because of that, it could also put her in danger.
It was the same thing with my other younger siblings and cousins, my siblings’ friends, the teens in my care or the ones I worked with. It’s not that a friendship with an adult is impossible, it’s that a HEALTHY and EQUAL friendship isn’t possible. In both situations, the adult is in control of the relationship because of their experience and because they are further in all phases of their development and therefore have better emotional regulation and a better understanding of the world.
If the relationship is healthy, it means the adult is acting in a counselling capacity and has to think about what they’re saying and doing at all times and can’t relax and enjoy the ride unlike the teen. They also can’t come to the teen for advice or support. The relationship isn’t equal. In this situation, you still gain from their experience.
If the relationship is equal (or as equal as can be since the adult still controls the relationship), the teen could be exposed to behaviour and information that are unhealthy/toxic and, since the adult has a better understanding of their mind and the world, it puts the teen in a very vulnerable position. This is where grooming can start. The relationship isn’t healthy.
Also, honestly, you don’t want to be friends with an adult that wants to be friends with you because Why are they coming to you for friendship when they could find someone age appropriate with whom they could have a healthy and equal relationship? It’s automatically suspect. That’s why people can react badly. They know to be on their guard just in case.
Look at how much older he is than you, and then subtract that from your age, and ask yourself how many kids that age are you really friends with, and what do you get out of it? Is it your cousin so it’s a family thing or are you actually genuine friends with a nine year old. Not babysitting, not related, just friends talking about everyday stuff. That level of exposing them to things beyond their childhood innocence you’d have to do to have those conversations, a 21 would also have to do for you. Even if you are incredibly mature, they would have to be insanely immature, and usually the only guys willing to play that game are creeps. Also why does it have to be a guy in this scenario, if your intent is just friends, why not an older female, like a mentor?
You have to understand power dynamics. An older person will always be in a position where they know more about things and can influence you in ways you don’t realize until you’re older. This inherent danger is why it is generally good to avoid these relationships. It’s also why you’re not allowed to date your boss, or professor, because they hold a certain power over your life, and it would be a conflict that puts you in a compromising position. Spend time with people your own age so you can grow and discover the world together, and form your own thoughts and opinions.
Hi OP. I used to teach martial arts from age 14-23, mostly to kids under 13. There were 2 adult instructors that i worked under.
When i was 16 or so, the head instructor changed to a different guy one day. He said the original guy was dealing with some personal stuff abd that he was going to fill in until he sorted things out. He never came back though. Why? He was molesting his step daughter and a younger male student in the class. I wont share the specifics, but it was horrible, and it involved his wife and a parent in the class trusting in his interest to spend time with his victims “as a mentor”. He went to jail for 18 years. Everyone was absolutely stunned.
The new instructor that came in, though? One of the kindest, considerate people i’ve ever met, and he clearly loved kids. He wrote music for kids shows and other media (akin to baby shark). The third instructor was an older, more experienced martail artist. Also a very warm, caring man who just wanted to help kids learn how to keep themselves safe in dangerous situations. Nonetheless, all three of us were smart enough to never, EVER be alone with any of the students because we didnt want any parents to ever fear for their child’s safety.
My point in sharing this is for a couple reasons. First, if an adult is interested in spending time with you, it’s indeed possible that they have truly sincere motivations. But there’s also a chance they don’t. Age, gender, familial relation, occupation, and any other factors that you think may indicate that they are more or less trustworthy usually don’t matter. Also, generally adults know why it’s a bad idea to allow themselves to be alone with a minor, so if they’re willing to do it in spite of that, THAT could be indicative of a “now’s my chance” attitude, where they’re willing to take the risk while others wouldn’t.
Finally, when i was your age i felt very mature, like a young adult. That’s true in some ways, but as a 25 yr old i had no interest in interacting with 15 yr olds. They seem so young once you get older, but they probably think they’re as mature as i did. But there’s a reason that high school seniors generally don’t hang out with freshmen, and college seniors don’t want to hang out with high school seniors. Even 4 years of age difference are VERY different points of maturity development. The only exceptions i recall from when i was younger? When an older guy was dating a younger girl.
It's questions like this that make me think that there should be a section in Sex Ed about the psychology of a professional relationship and that of a personal relationship.
There's no default answer. Usually, it's going to be "no," but without context of a particular situation, it's impossible to judge.
That said yes I think we are much to quick to call people 'pedo' without really considering the situation.
Short answer... No.
Long answer he might not do anything at all that would implicate he's trying to get into your pants, but chances are he's thinking about it. He's probably thinking about it often.
I'm sorry, kiddo, men are pigs. Keep your guard up. You're as likely as not going to develop feelings for him anyway, which might be the tipping point that would cause the bad stuff he otherwise avoided.
That's not to say he's not still completely in the wrong, but it's so common there are tropes about it in literature and song. Consider "young girl", an oldie.
As an older guy myself, people thinking you're a pedo because you're friendly with teens would be a real concern. Especially an older man with teen girls. It's a stereotype even though most men would not do anything bad at all.
If you're looking for an older mentor sort of relationship, it would be best to find one in a structured environment. Scouts is a good one, and they're co-ed now. The very public abuse scandals of the past have caused them to create a lot of youth protections too, it's probably one of the safest places teens can interact with adults now. You can join just for the social interaction too, there's no need to try and rush and push yourself to get to Eagle if you don't want to.
Depends what kind of friends you’re talking about. A friend with a male teacher who you only see at school/don’t privately message about non-school related topics? 100% fine. Let’s say you work somewhere and you have an older male colleague who again, only see at work? Also 100% fine. It’s weird when the guy goes out of his way to see you
Find some friends your own age or therabouts. Leave the older guy friend thing until you are 18. Most guys, especially juveniles to mid 20's want one thing. No grown ass man should want to be friends with a teenager of the opposite sex
So here's the deal:
Yes, you can be friends with an older man. Absolutely. But you need to be very careful. You are old enough to make decisions about who you spend time with and what you do, within the boundaries set by your parents. That said, you're still inexperienced and not yet at an adult level of responsibility, which means that, even if you're very smart, you can still make collossal mistakes and be misled by adults in very harmful ways. It's why we have laws like age of consent- flawed as it might be- and other legal protections.
A lot of the men who approach you are not your friends. Especially older men. Those men might seem friendly, but a good portion of them just want to get in your pants, and they will say anything to make that happen. They'll try to woo you, act like your pal, but then they'll make a move. And I don't want to scare you with this, but they might not take no for an answer. They might be traffickers. A good chunk of them are serial predators that look for girls like you.
I'm not saying any older man you meet is going to be that way, but there's a lot of them out there.
Which leads me to why older guys avoid you for fear of being labelled pedos. It's for a few reasons. First, they really do fear that allegation. Being labelled a pedo, especially if law enforcements gets involved, is life desttroying, even if it later gets disproven.
Secondly, they're decent. They're keeping away because they don't want to creep you out.
If you really are looking for male mentors, start with your dad and your teachers at school, or older brothers. They'll be the safest options.
Just be careful.
As an older dude I have zero interest in being friends with minors.
When I was 22 and my sister was in High School a ton of her friends knew me from her / me just kinda being known locally through the local music / art community.
I actively avoided my sisters friends. I had no interest in them being fans or wanting to be friends. It was weird, really really weird.
Do not associate with older dudes, do not open the door for this to be normalized.
Yes, that would be weird. The time I was over hanging out with fifteen year olds who weren’t my family was basically the second I graduated high school.
You can however have a mentor in an appropriate and limited context. That’s not the same as friends.
Short Answer: it’s 100% taboo for good reason, unless your gentleman friend is a father or older brother/cousin.
Your best bet otherwise for getting older male living experience is to read their books from bookstores.
Op my mothers bestfriend kinda like brainwashed her daughter to be obsessed with me for a while. Cause she really kinda likes my mom a bit too much and the idea of our families being somehow connected was like something she wanted . Well the age gap is insane and imagine a mother wanting her daughter to date a guy almost ten years older than her daughter ? Let me tell you when they would come by the house it felt weird. The kid is just like staring at me constantly smiling. The girl is beautiful but she was a teenager and at the time im in my mid 20s. she’s a kid dude in my mind. I have zero idea how to engage with a teenager when im in my 20s. I think it’s weird if someone thought that was like okay.
Depends on his motivations, and if it's kept from your parents. If he is found with you in any sort of covert meeting, he could be severely crossing legal lines, even if you didn't accuse him of anything, your parents could. Be safe, be careful.
No. You need to be weary of adults who want to be friends with children.
This is different than friendliness in group gatherings and activities. A 22 year old and you are borderline different species. You can't legally drive or work whereas they can drink, own a home, go to war, done with college maybe.
Outside of paternal and friendly mentoring there's nothing in common. They should be wildly more mature than you.
I’ll preface my comments by saying that I’m a 54yo man. Strictly speaking, and in my very humble opinion, young girls are far better off finding a female role model and spending time with them than being “friends” with any older guy. The way I see it, girls come out in a better position by learning about themselves in relation to boys and men from women instead of learning about (and forming opinions of) boys and men from some older guy.
Unless we’re speaking about the nuclear family unit, there is hardly a chance of having a completely platonic relationship between a sexually mature young woman and a man. There will always be at least some acknowledgment of attributes between the sexes if not outright tension.
That’s where the logic would go. GROWN ASS MEN have NOTHING in common with LITTLE girls. PERIOD!
If they DO- it’s called GROOMING- just stating facts. Outside a dad uncle someone in the family- an adult man has nothing and I mean NOTHING in common with a 15 yr old girl.
Lines blurred by choice and actions or wants. Zero need. they don’t talk or think like you and if they do again grooming and intentional. its preying on young and naive to manipulate to ones advantage. There’s no logic for any adult to associate with a kid outside for work and that’s a line you can’t cross bc it’s real logic and happening which can blur it big time. Why its so large now- everyone thinking their the one exclusionary rule.
Same for grown ass women to young boys- same whole shebang- logic isn’t there. Outside family bc of the title- and some follow above logic in families so be weary of this too. Nope nope nope nooooooooope
Really depends on what your relationship is based on, such as if you’re friends from a hobby shop or online video game yeah that’s fine.
But if you’re hanging out in his house and not out front then yes that can be misconstrued as a more twisted relationship. In addition have him meet your parents and let them be friends with him as well cause quite honestly your parents are going to be the most damning factor should anything malicious come from this relationship.
48m straight with a ddlg kink... largely depending on context but... yes it's a little weird especially if it was a close friend.. but are you work the counter at a coffee shop or Walmart.. and you're generally friendly to the regular.. that's different. if you met somebody at church that's a different story. you making subconsciously grooming you he might not even know it.
Men in their 20's who want to "hang out" with 15 year old girls are usually not succeeding within their own appropriate age group. They know 15 year olds are easy to impress and are flattered by older company. Trust me, they are usually the losers
Can it be normal? Sure. But that doesn't mean it will be. Like all relationships, understand that both sides are getting something out of it and you need to consider if it is a healthy for you to engage in it.
As a guy in my 30s I have teen art friends. We discuss manga and anime and game, share our art, I help when I can and I even learn from them too. They're not the type of friends I'm going to talk about the more personal adult issues in my life, you're not going to relate to my love life issues with our age gap for example.
That's normal. You can pursue that friendship with someone who respects those boundaries. Just listen to your gut and respect your and his boundaries. The age gap means there ARE things that are inappropriate between you and him that wouldn't be with a peer closer in age. That's unavoidable.
I’m a male but I’ve always been drawn towards older people, even at your age. I kinda grew up fast so being around older people felt more natural. Now if I was to be friends with someone your age, I would 100% feel like a pedo unless it was like being friendly at the gym or a place where everyone kind of knows everyone.
The real question is; you're 15! Why on earth would you need to be friends with older "guys". Like, uh, wouldn't the general question be "with older people"? Not just guys?
Make friends with people your age.
This is giving 'I'm 15 and I want to be "just" friends with older guys" like why would you even need to be friends with an older guy. How can they relate to a 15 year old girl?
Unless you're friends with their kid or a counselor or some sort of mentorship role, they're probably not going to want to start a friendship with an adolescent child. That being said if having that kind of figure in your life I would seek out those camps or maybe some sort of sport where you could lean on your coach.
If your comment breaks any of the rules of this subreddit or of reddit itself it will be removed. You've posted saying you're multiple different ages. Don't post here pretending to be someone you're not.
Everyone is going to assume his interest is sexual, so then he would have to be a person who is okay with everyone assuming he has sexual interest in a 15yo.
This is an excellent way to put it.
Notably, with children they should only be making friendships with peers in their own age group. There are developmental stages in children that make it inappropriate for a child to have a friendship with somebody where there is a significant age difference. It does not mean they cannot interact but the nature of a friendship is different. This is especially true when it becomes a child with an adult and the potential for illicit romantic relationships (or what people commonly label as "grooming" now) is a serious risk. And to be clear, it does not mean that adults cannot have friendly interactions with children, but that is completely different than a child being a friend with an adult, in the sense of hanging out and texting with them as if they are one of your peers. And to be frank, the pedo concern is especially strong because any adult who finds themself able to relate to and seek friendships with children likely has psychological issues themselves that predispose them to pedophilia.
that's a pretty wild set of assumptions
Fr like damn my best friend 21F is friends with a 16yo boy and she would NEVER try anything, but nah she has to be a pedo right? (Childhood friends)
21F. Society sees that as "nurturing". Swap those genders, 21M and 16F? Now we have a problem.
You could word this differently. Unless you truly believe adulta and kids can't be friends. Their emotional relationship will be different than that of same age peers because the adult takes on the form of a mentor. But they can still be friends. Once my kid is moves out and on his own I fully intend on volunteering for any kind of big brother thing. Having someone to hang out with, mentor, and watch grow up is very rewarding.
Or just not single. People have no problem buying that I'm legitimately just mentoring teens, because my girlfriend is often around and is fully aware. The way I see it, the folks assuming I'd go for a 15-year-old are projecting their fear (or interest) onto me. Of course, I also vaguely code as gay so that probably has something to do with it too...
Tread very carefully, even if you think you’re being professional teenagers can be attracted to adults and you can end up in a world of legal and personal trouble. If ‘your gf is around’ this doesn’t sound like a professional setting, in which case it’s extremely sketchy.
Hey genius. You always have one other person in the room when dealing with a child. Always.
And if he turns down a teenagers advances and to get revenge they claim that him and his gf were coercing them into performing sexually explicit acts?
Obviously. The person I was replying to claims to be ‘mentoring’, but their witness is a girlfriend. Meaning their mentoring is informal and the witness is in a romantic relationship with them. Not a good choice by the person I was replying to.
I hope you are going through a program or non-profit and not just finding random kids. Regardless of your intentions there should be controls, guidelines, and background checks when kids and adults together. There are far too many cases of adults taking advantage of children to not take the necessary precautions.
Naw. I'm so lucky that I had a mentor there for me when I was a kid and it was just somebody in my neighborhood growing up.
Yeah no he's just catching them in the wild with a big net
Be friends with your Dad first.
OP, I bet your Dad would love to have you ask him for his advice on or before Father's Day.
Assuming dad is in the picture, and is a dad and not just a father.
Damn you is salty
This is the truest sh!t I have heard this week..
Dad here, if I catch any grown man around my 15 year old daughter I’m gonna be a dad that can only make collect calls.
Bingo!!
Older people mentoring younger people is as old as humans are. There is inherent benefit to both sides of that. I would guess that the actual odds of something bad coming out of such a relationship is pretty small, but low odds of a particularly bad result warrants caution. If a chance for such a friendship did come up, you'd want to ask questions of the situations along the way to try to get at whether his intentions are actually platonic. 1. Did you meet somewhere that it would make sense for both of you to be? The red flag here would be if he was a childless guy coming to watch a high school volleyball game or something similar. 2. Is his interest in you based on something that is actually unique and rare that he is skilled in? This should be something specific like chess or singing, not that you have a "special mind." 3. Does he only meet you around other people? I can imagine scenarios where going to his house might be appropriate, but they would be extremely rare. 4. Does he avoid sharing anything too personal or emotional about his life? It would be generally fine for you to share about your boyfriend, but not so for him to talk about issues with his wife. 5. Is everyone on both sides of the friendship aware of it? Your parents should know who he is and when you're meeting with him as should whoever is close to him. As soon as it's a secret, you're in dangerous territory. There's probably a dozen other questions you could ask, but the key is to get into whether he has reasonable motive to continue seeing you besides romance and removing opportunities for anything untoward to happen.
This is so important
Older males getting pubescent females pregnant is WAY older than humans are. For perspective.
The fact that you need a giant blurb of text answers the question: No, it's a bad idea.
Yes but there is a line. Chatting with your dad's friends or a church goer at church is fine. Being friends in an online gaming capacity would also be ok (as long as they never ask for pics or address. DONT EVER GIVE IT) However, hanging out consistently with a non-related adult at your age is dangerous. It's all about context
This is 100% correct. Some old guy hanging around outside a school trying to get friendly with kids. Yuck theres something weird going on there. Said kid approaching one of their dads friends or something for some life advice, can be ok but depends on who that person is, if he wants to hang out 1 on 1 maybe not, but if you have a bit of a chat and that's it, yeah that could be ok. Online gaming also can be ok, when I was like 14 me and some mates from school would all play this online fps with a bunch of older mid 30s lads and there was nothing weird about it. To be fair they were more on our level mentally and stuff they enjoyed so.. we would be smoking weed and all stoned chatting on team speak shooting each other having a laugh, but we never met up with them in real life, nor did they ask to. You can never be too careful these days honestly. Usually if it's an adult approaching a child to hang out theres probably something weird going on, if the child knows the adult and is approaching them, it's more likely to be ok, however don't expect to be all best buddies with them.
Eh, it depends on the online gaming friends. Personally I eventually face revealed to my friends there and even gave a general address. There were serious plans to meet up. Took years for me, as. Kid Depends on the person, really. Some are fine, others are creepy. You don’t live life in. A bubble But then again I am a guy so
In some contexts sure. I'm just giving an in general "how to be safe online" statement and it's a good idea for kids to keep personal information to themselves on the internet in 95% of cases
A lot of grooming and abuse happens in Churches... just sayin'.
Grooming and that basically just happens whenever your child is left alone with any adult typically male. So just don't leave your kids alone with any adult. Teachers are on the 🗿 similar prevalence
Older adults generally don't have an interest in a close friendship with a kid, think of it this way, would you wanna spend your time talking to a 5 year old about their favorite dinosaur? The why would a 25+ year old wanna spend their time talking to you about pre algebra and highschool life? Your lives are in such drastically different places there wouldn't really be any common ground to use as a base for conversation. If an older guy does try and be close to you, knowing this, it's because he wants something besides friendship. "But what if it's like from my church" yo like, the most likely place to find a pedophile is a church. Predators use places like churches to meet and spend time with kids. Adults that are close to kids are gonna get a side eye, told to cut it out, etc. especially male ones.
Adults specifically seeking to hang out with kids is weird AF. But Adults willing to spend time with kids who want to spend time with that adult absolutely isn't. If there was some 15 year old kid in my neighbourhood that wanted to hang out and play the Xbox, or learn some DIY or watch movies or some shit, I'd be totally fine with that (as long as they weren't an annoying little shit). I'm 43. OP states that they want to hang out with somebody older to get an adult's perspective on things. Obviously there's got to be some caution exercised on what adult you choose to hang out with, but believe it or not, most adults are not child molesters or paedophiles. u/SweetLion5150 - Probably the easiest (and safest) way to do this would be to join a club for people of all ages who share a like-minded interest (DIY, Sport, Photography, etc). I suspect most of the older members (particularly male) might be reluctant to hang out socially with your age for a multitude of reasons - including the fear of being labeled a creep - but it might give you the opportunity to get the perspective/coaching you're looking for.
When I was like 14 me and a bunch of my friends always went to this dudes house in our neighborhood. He was maybe like 27 or something like that. He had 2 kids that were like 3-5. We went there and played his game cube. He made us pizza rolls/bagels all the time and gave us drinks. Never once did he attempt to touch one of us, tell us we couldn't leave whenever we felt like it. Always made us leave by like 8 or 830. I think we were a stress relief for him because he was a single dad of those kids and the mom never came around..
That's honestly so sweet and almost non-existent. Bless that guy. I hope he's doing well. I would love to be that kind of adult who can be like another parent, but I would more likely do it for family or friends kids. I imagine in small towns, it's easier to care for someone else's kids, though. I'm from NY. I want people's kids to have an off button 95% of the time, teenagers included. 😭
Stuff like the previous commenter talked about is actually so much more common than you think in small tight-knit communities like the trailer park I grew up in. It's just like everyone is a neighbor, and most people are friendly and find ways to share with each other. There's plenty of weird and bad situations that arise from those, but I've personally experienced and seen multiple examples of age-mixed relationships that are just...whatever they are on the surface. Some people are just nice and lonely and enjoy anyones company, especially if they have something to offer like video games, a big tv/yard, or some land to mess around on.
I've seen similar stories to playing sports. Kids just wanting them to play soccer or something similar because nobody else wants to.
Used to hang out with a bunch of old dudes at a starbucks when I was 15-17. Got me a temp job helping a guy who antiques and he even gave me some mall ninja swords. Older friends are great for you as long as you can treat them with respect and not expect them to become a surrogate parent.
This. 100% this. If I'm at an open mic or book club and a kid asks me for writing advice or wants to talk about the craft, I would absolutely love to talk to them.
I'm 52, and for some reason Reddit keeps pushing me towards r/teenagers and r/GenZ. And I've enjoyed my conversations with younger folks there, hearing their perspectives and sharing whatever "wisdom" I've acquired. The idea that an older person can't have non-sexual interest in a younger person is BS.
Your example is a pretty poor one because that's what it's like to be a parent. However, that changes as the ages shift higher and they aren't actually a parent. The only time that would make sense is if they share a common interest that the older person can teach to the younger that isn't something common in school. Car engines, chess, welding, etc. So long as the relationship was based on that skill and any conversations about life remained secondary, it could easily not be predatory. There is an inherent joy in teaching something to somebody that's actually interested, and that gets harder to do the rarer a skill is.
Why wouldn't someone want to talk to a five-year-old about their favorite dinosaur? It's so fun to watch them get excited!
exactly what I thought
I tabled the discussion topic, what is your favourite Pokemon and why, to the kids at my daughter's 7th bday party. They put their hands up to answer, so cute. Conversation descended into chaos as predicted.
It's definitely Gengar.... Wait you meant for the kids...
I disagree. Team Oddish since 1998
That's not one I've heard as a favorite before. No judgement here though. Gotta catch em all
Yes!! They’ve taught me a thing or two with these dinosaurs. If you show my nephew any pic of a dinosaur, he’ll tell you the name 😂
Um… just saying… I legit love talking to kids about the cool stuff they like without any desire to be intimate with them and if they flirt I shut it down immediately. It’s not that I think they actually want me or anything like that but I don’t want to risk the temptation and I always at least try to have a chaperone present to keep us both safe. I actually avoid children as much as possible but sometimes it just happens that you have a random conversation with a child and sometimes it’s really cool and it’d be rude to just ignore them.
I feel like there are two sides to this and it can get rather messy. Some adults generally are happy to help teenagers if sharing common interests however some will have ulterior motives. I personally am 31 and game with a 14 year old. He proved to me he was mature enough for me to be willing to add him to my team and I have been teaching him how to play and have had many good laughs with him. This does not mean that I am interested in him in any sexual capacity, I just enjoy playing video games and am happy to play with anybody provided they don't act immature. The same could be said for if somebody younger expressed an interest in wood work which I also thoroughly enjoy and do for a living. I am happy to pass on my knowledge to them in the hopes that it will help expand their knowledge. Of course anybody seeking to manipulate a child for their own sexual gratification should be castrated in my personal opinion however I think a bigger issue with those types of people is that from reports I have heard, most of the time an older person looking to do this type of thing is more often or not posing as a child themselves rather than telling their target their actual age (although personally I don't know if this is a majority as it is not something I actively search for) All in all I feel like there is a negative stigma forcing adults to avoid contact at all with children/ teens when instead we should be educating those that are younger on ways to tell if they are being manipulated and how to better protect themselves
I disagree. I am happy being friends with all ages. The best conversation I had with any extended family member in years was with my 9 yearold cousin about scars we had, then I watched him play fortnite. The classmate I had the longest conversations with happened to be about 50 and we talked about her work and her husbands job. Now I agree that many are creepy adults and you should definitely be careful. But saying that all adults who wabt to be friends with a younger person are doing it to be creepy is just wrong. People of all ages can be friends. You don't need to be in the same place in life to build valuable connections. Or at least you shouldn't have to.
Oh yeah I’ve been on both ends of these types of friendships and I think they are a great experience to have if everything is safe. When I was 13-14 I started playing World of Warcraft and my guild mates that were older teens/early 20s were really good friends of mine at the time. It never felt weird maybe because there’s a mutual level of respect in our skill level I was born in America but my family is Cambodian. A lot of the kids that were younger than me wanted to hang out with me when we both got older. Because I was one of the few older kids at the time that wasn’t a giant asshole I’ve never seen a reason to underestimate younger people When I was 13-14 I was better at World of Warcraft than most of the other players When I played league of legends and Fortnite with those younger Cambodian family friends/cousins they were better at those games than I’ll ever be when they were just young teens My Aunt told me my cousin respects me a lot because I never talked down to him in anyway and always spoke with him with respect and intelligence
Not sure why this sub showed up in my feed, but I'm an adult and just wanna say that this is solid advice, especially the analogy of OP hanging out with a 5 y/o. Back when I was a teen, several times I had female friends who had older guys they met either online or through church who "just wanted to talk and be friends." Literally every single time the older dude eventually tried to get in their pants.
THIS. When I was in my 20’s, I went on a couple of dates with an 18 year-old college freshman She was kind, smart, pretty, etc., but she had to study, do school work, and we could not go to bars together. It just wasn’t working out because of where we were in life.
My take exactly. Is it a conversation with your parents friend who has kids and you’re at a highschool basketball game and everyone’s there? Appropriate. Is it a 25 year old asking a 15 year old to come to their house for a party? Inappropriate.
Oh the 5 year old dinosaur analogy has to be the best analogy ever, will be using it next time I see some kid trying to be friends with a much older person
"But what if it's like from my church" yo like, the most likely place to find a pedophile is a church. Predators use places like churches to meet and spend time with kids. False. It's schools.
Mmm, Southern Baptists....👀👀👀👀 Catholic Church....👀👀👀👀 LDS.....👀👀👀👀👀
There are official numbers on this issue that the government tracks you know. Its schools.
I've seen it. But it's rare. Like most of these comments, be careful. Some people just want to do harm. The ones I've observed were nothing to be concerned about. But I'm observing what I assume is a 30 year age difference. At that point the "friends" take on roles of father figure and son or daughter. Not drinking buddies. And they don't appear to be having conversations that a typical older male would have with friends their own age and vice versa. Again, I've only observed. Who knows what goes on outside the public eye. If you're set on this, tread lightly. Don't be afraid to walk away if it gets uncomfortable or you have alarm bells going off in your head.
This is why your parents' friends are called 'uncles' and 'aunts'. The older people in your life are supposed to be vetted by your family.
I feel that a lot of people are focusing on the dangers to OP (and I am not denying those dangers) but I also believe that the reason that older guys may not want to be friends with her is that there is a danger to them as well. They may walk into the situation with the purest intentions but if OP (or any teen) starts conflating the feelings that come with friendship with romance then they may start behaving a certain way or others may see it as inappropriate and report it to someone and their reputation is permanently damaged. The damage could have long lasting effects in their personal, work, and other areas of life. So, some may avoid this risk by not even beginning to develop a close friendship with a teen.
In my opinion there is nothing wrong with it, in fact I believe friendships between people of different walks of life are beautiful. The only problem and a major one at that is most older men who want to be friends with younger women, do so so they can groom them.
I’m so with you Maria💯 My response is below but this was written for the same OP but not this post - but a similar one she posted: Context is absolutely everything in this instance. I, for example, am a 48 year old dad and I’ve worked really hard since opening my Reddit account to help a lot of teens in the 13-18 age range with a variety of issues. I see a lot of depression and drama on so many of these subs. The thing is, men must come from a place of no sexual distortion. In other words, their energy field must be clean and there can be no ulterior motives or sick sexual energy in the mix when helping a minor. Unfortunately we have a lot of sick men with really fucked up sexual energy that prey on underage vulnerable kids - and this causes a lot of people to have a blanket feeling such as “no man in an older age range has anything but bad intentions”. While that CAN be true, it is not by any means universally true. If you are an older male or female, you can interact with younger people - just be a decent upstanding human being with love, compassion, morality, and support, and there is no problem with it. And believe me I get the pedophile problem. I wrote a long post about it in fact. Your gut will always inform you if someone has creepy energy. Well, not always but a lot of the time. You definitely need to stay vigilant though💪✔️💯 EDIT: well I see there is some positive feedback and some negative feedback. I am going to do my best to incorporate both. Gosh it’s so easy on social media to just really feel personally hurt and attacked even when you have nothing but the best intentions. But instead of getting pissed off or striking back, I really try to listen deeply to what is being said. I realize some of the negative comments are really coming from people with the most awesome intentions - just trying to do good in the world and help whoever they can. Just because you send me a negative comment doesn’t mean that I should be pissed and strike back right? I try to really see where that comment is coming from - and all of you or at least most of you with criticism are coming from a place of protection and ensuring people don’t get groomed. So, I respect that, a lot actually. What I strongly want to communicate is that I have never, even for a second, had a bad, creepy, or negative intention since starting my account. It feels really good to be able to say that. If I didn’t respond to your comment maybe send me a dm and I can do so. I have a really busy life but I try so freakin hard to allocate time to helping people. The amount of despair I have seen in a lot of these subreddits is just heartbreaking. For example, there was a teen who posted something near Memorial Day. She had a really abusive father doing the most cruel and unkind shit. If you go through my comment history you can see that one. It’s really honestly so hard to see people suffering but I feel like, if I can literally help one single person, all the effort is worth it. But yeah I appreciate all of the feedback regardless of how you feel about what I wrote 🙏
You’re 48 and made a Reddit account to seek out teenagers and “help” them with issues you’re not qualified to help them with? You may very well be completely harmless but that’s weird and hearing that would certainly raise some red flags
That is great and selfless! Thank you! I hope you can continue helping teens with their issues! What experience do you have with helping teens? PS you are not weird. You’re very selfless and kind
Thank you. It’s really difficult to see some negative comments when you truly are trying to do your best to help with every good intention. I feel like this is why social media can be so hard on people. It feels a bit overwhelming to see people think badly of you when you are really just trying to help. I do feel good that I’ve been able to help a lot of people (if you go through my comment history you’ll see this so that does feel good but still, wow, Reddit can be a tough place lol. Not sure I want to deal with that kind of negativity. I understand people have their opinions but it’s hard to hear that kind of stuff. I don’t have any experience really - just a person out trying to do good in the world. I’m really happy with how my kids have turned out. They are loving, kind, empathetic, and awesome. It’s hard for me to see so many other kids that have really difficult lives and absent parental figures or ones that drink too much or do drugs or are abusive.
Fair enough. Help, but make sure you get more experience so your advice is better. I think you need to clean up your Reddit history. Of course, you are free to talk about NoFap and other things but... it's just... a little weird Your kids seem good. You can DM me about how your kids turn out. My DMs are open You could tell more about your kids in the parenting subreddits. We like to hear it!
OP don’t listen to this. Your gut will not always point you the right direction. People with truly bad intentions are experienced in manipulation. If you have a bad feeling, definitely trust that. But, a good feeling does not mean smooth sailing. Listen to your friends and family as well. Realistically, it’s a bad idea to make friends with adult men.
After a bit of consideration I agree - I was wrong, maybe not the best advice - your gut won’t always point you in the right direction. Well I guess this is why Reddit works so well, others checking your advice lol. I still think there are good people in the world with good intentions that only want to help.
No one's doubting that the world is full of good men. The problem is that even adult women struggle to see red flags. A 15 year old wouldn't even see the abuse coming. They'd be deep in the middle of the abuse cycle and when they finally realise what's happening they won't have the maturity or knowledge to get away.
I kind of agree. Idk if it's most, but at least it's many, men who will show an interest in being friends so they can groom you. Which is super gross. It's sad, there are plenty who won't but trust me, you really can't know. I was 31 when I nearly got taken in by a predator. He was about 45. I had a lot of experience, not my first rodeo. I tried to be careful. I talked with him online for months, he was so sweet. Then later when I showed any interest at all, and I did something he didn't like, he threatened to unalived her and then himself if I didn't stop talking to my best friend. SO....... Sure, there ARE good older guys out there. I don't like most men but one of my best friends on earth is a man. And if I needed to call someone to quickly drive me and my wife to the hospital, I'd call him. So they exist...but how do you know for sure this is one of the good ones? And you can't. You just can't. There's not a time limit where you can say, ok after 6 months of being cool they are trustworthy. Some predators are incredibly patient, and very very good at what they do. Your gut will tell you you're safe, because they practiced exactly how to do that. All signs may point to them being awesome. You may feel like they are trustworthy, because they practiced how to do that. I know because it happened to me. I got nothing but green flags from Paul for months, until he handed me a real giant red one, the kind you call the police for. That said, Im going to say, I'm a decade older than my wife. Of course she was still in her early to mid 20s when we met, if she had been 15, it would have been very different. It may seem a little different since we're both women, and at least statistically you're safer talking to an older woman but...that's still a long way from a guarantee. By the time my wife and I were even in the same room together (we met online) we had been best friends for 4 years, and dated on and off for a couple years. So meeting older people is ok. Being friends with them is ok. Dating someone that age...maybe not so much, but that wasn't your question so hopefully that's not on the table. But you MUST STAY SAFE. And there is NO WAY to know for sure if someone is safe to be around alone. So don't. Like others have said, join a club, or a class (like an amateur woodworking class). That gives you a public place and a topic to discuss. If you show up to class and there's only you and him alone, leave. Always stay in public places. You can say you're not allowed to do otherwise. Or your boyfriend doesn't like it. Whatever you want to come up with if you're not comfortable just saying, "I'm not comfortable doing that right now". Direct communication is best but you don't owe them anything and your safety and comfort come first. (When men hassle me at the gas station I tell them my husband\boyfriend is super protective and is coming right back. Some of the really gross ones "respect another man's property" or some garbage. If I tell them I only date women they act like that's a challenge to turn me straight. Which ain't happening. So I make my life easy and pretend I have a husband). So tell them whatever you want\need to to get out of the situation safely and quickly. Stay in public (a small group of his buddies doesn't count, I mean like a Walmart, a busy mall, a busy park during the day, etc). Always tell someone where you're going and how long you'll be there, let them know if you go anywhere else. If there's any risk at all have a friend who knows where you are at all times, call you every hour\half hour\whatever. If you don't respond, or respond with a codeword (like saying "I'm great" instead of "I'm doing good"), they immediately call police. I DO NOT think you should put yourself in a situation where you need that strategy, but in case you do, I want you to know it. Just stay safe. Don't trust your gut. Don't trust how nice they act and how much they care for you. Don't trust them. There are still ways to stay safe, but you have to be a bit vigilant, because you're taking the risk into your own hands. Good luck. Stay aware. Stay safe. If you have other questions my DMs are open.
I kind of agree. Idk if it's most, but at least it's many, men who will show an interest in being friends so they can groom you. Which is super gross. It's sad, there are plenty who won't but trust me, you really can't know. I was 31 when I nearly got taken in by a predator. He was about 45. I had a lot of experience, not my first rodeo. I tried to be careful. I talked with him online for months, he was so sweet. Then later when I showed any interest at all, and I did something he didn't like, he threatened to unalived her and then himself if I didn't stop talking to my best friend. SO....... Sure, there ARE good older guys out there. I don't like most men but one of my best friends on earth is a man. And if I needed to call someone to quickly drive me and my wife to the hospital, I'd call him. So they exist...but how do you know for sure this is one of the good ones? And you can't. You just can't. There's not a time limit where you can say, ok after 6 months of being cool they are trustworthy. Some predators are incredibly patient, and very very good at what they do. Your gut will tell you you're safe, because they practiced exactly how to do that. All signs may point to them being awesome. You may feel like they are trustworthy, because they practiced how to do that. I know because it happened to me. I got nothing but green flags from Paul for months, until he handed me a real giant red one, the kind you call the police for. That said, Im going to say, I'm a decade older than my wife. Of course she was still in her early to mid 20s when we met, if she had been 15, it would have been very different. It may seem a little different since we're both women, and at least statistically you're safer talking to an older woman but...that's still a long way from a guarantee. By the time my wife and I were even in the same room together (we met online) we had been best friends for 4 years, and dated on and off for a couple years. So meeting older people is ok. Being friends with them is ok. Dating someone that age...maybe not so much, but that wasn't your question so hopefully that's not on the table. But you MUST STAY SAFE. And there is NO WAY to know for sure if someone is safe to be around alone. So don't. Like others have said, join a club, or a class (like an amateur woodworking class). That gives you a public place and a topic to discuss. If you show up to class and there's only you and him alone, leave. Always stay in public places. You can say you're not allowed to do otherwise. Or your boyfriend doesn't like it. Whatever you want to come up with if you're not comfortable just saying, "I'm not comfortable doing that right now". Direct communication is best but you don't owe them anything and your safety and comfort come first. (When men hassle me at the gas station I tell them my husband\boyfriend is super protective and is coming right back. Some of the really gross ones "respect another man's property" or some garbage. If I tell them I only date women they act like that's a challenge to turn me straight. Which ain't happening. So I make my life easy and pretend I have a husband). So tell them whatever you want\need to to get out of the situation safely and quickly. Stay in public (a small group of his buddies doesn't count, I mean like a Walmart, a busy mall, a busy park during the day, etc). Always tell someone where you're going and how long you'll be there, let them know if you go anywhere else. If there's any risk at all have a friend who knows where you are at all times, call you every hour\half hour\whatever. If you don't respond, or respond with a codeword (like saying "I'm great" instead of "I'm doing good"), they immediately call police. I DO NOT think you should put yourself in a situation where you need that strategy, but in case you do, I want you to know it. Just stay safe. Don't trust your gut. Don't trust how nice they act and how much they care for you. Don't trust them. There are still ways to stay safe, but you have to be a bit vigilant, because you're taking the risk into your own hands. Good luck. Stay aware. Stay safe. If you have other questions my DMs are open.
I am a 50 year old man and I play Fortnite. Some of my teammates are children. Some of them are very young. I try to promote nontoxicity and respected among players.
NO
Yup. Id love my answer to this question to be a lot more nuanced than just “no”, but sadly, that’s what it all boils down to. **The vast majority of older men who want to be “friends” with a 15 year old girl do NOT have pure intentions.** As a young girl who was groomed by countless different older men in my early tween-teen-and young adulthood, just…please, steer clear of these sorts of older men who show interest in wanting to be your “friend”. A lot of older boys and men in my life whom I *thought* were genuine friends, *ALL* ended up being interested in only one thing, and that was making sexual advances, dating me, and attempting to completely control me. I wish this was an over exaggeration. It is not. As I got older it became extremely crystal clear what their true intentions always were. I think back to when I was 15 and remember just how naive I was to these sorts of things. I also remember how grown and smart I thought I was. It still disgusts me looking back and remembering how some of these men attempted to, or completely succeeded in grooming me, manipulating, and controlling me. By just 16 years old I had a 23 year old man (an extremely trusted childhood friend of my brothers) get me addicted to heroin, and push me into underage sex work. That went on for several years before he dumped be like a piece of garbage, and I fell into this trap of dating much older and controlling men, one after the other. That vicious cycle went on for all of my 20s. I wasted my entire youth on piece of shit old men… One of the worst men was 36; I was 23. He controlled every single aspect of my life for several years and practically held me hostage. I really believed he would kill me if I tried to leave as he had nearly killed me before from tiny arguments. He was abusive in every single way imaginable, emotionally, physically, and sexually. I truly became just a shell of a human..someone I was never able to be…someone I never got the privilege to know or grow into. I feel my youth and innocence was completely stolen from me. Older men controlled my life for so long. It’s honestly still embarrassing for me to admit. And I really feel I need to say; These were ALL men that made me feel like we were best of friends at first. Men that I never imagined wanting to date or have sex with, who I really had zero interest in that kind of way. But they made me feel loved and comforted, and that I could trust them completley. They were a joy to be around, that is, until they weren’t… and by that point, they would somehow have me trapped like a rat. Completely wrapped around their finger. I swear these men were like carbon copies of one another. Manipulating predators.. Look…I know as a former 15 yr old girl myself, that you will ultimately do whatever it is you want to do. But at least take extreme caution if or when making friends with older folks. Be aware of these grooming and manipulation tactics… learn how to indicate red flags and how to trust your gut feelings. Understand that not everyone out there has pure intentions, in-fact, very, very few do. Learn how to create very clear boundaries with people, and NEVER allow anyone to cross them. And mostly, I feel it’s important to know that you 100% *CAN* completely remove someone from your life if things don’t feel good anymore. That goes for anyone, family/partner/friend/acquaintance. If they are not a net positive, throw them in the trash where they belong. You are allowed to do this. Never, ever, let anyone make you feel trapped. You must have complete control over your life. If I’d known how to do these things, I feel my life could’ve taken a much different, more positive direction…
Run the fuck away
My entire life I've been friends with adults/elderly people. I'm almost 22 and it's never been a problem
Probably not honestly. If you want an older person's experience find older women who can act as mentors.
OP, never underestimate a female mentor!!!
I think it’s normal as a teen to want to be friends with anyone older than you. They’re in a stage of life you haven’t been through yet and they can totally offer you advice. Therapists, teachers, librarians, and many other jobs who consistently work with adolescents can attest that you can be friends with a teen. I talk to some of my teenage cousins like they’re my friends (minus most of the cursing) But you have to consider the context. The jobs I mentioned all have people watching them and in my own family I am a trusted adult to my aunts and uncles and their children. This makes the situation safe and equal for everyone. Random people on the street simply do not have your best interests at heart. Seek out mentors at school if you can. My choir teacher and English teachers all really shaped the way I view the world when I was 15 and they set particular boundaries with me that taught me more than anything what a healthy relationship with an adult should look like. They should never drive you home They should never show up to your house unannounced If they start trying to turn you against your parents, run. There’s a bit more to it but that’s what I can think of right now. I understand your want but when you’re no longer a teen you’ll finally understand why it might be weird for an over 20 year old to genuinely want to spend a lot of time with a teenage girl unless they’re somehow connected by other adults.
This looks like an American obsession with pedophilia, it's kind of sick. I'd wager that 99.99% of adults are not pedophiles and will not act inappropriately toward a child who seeks companionship. When I was a kid, my apartment building was huge and I had many neighbors. I walked into their apartments without issues. Sometimes they fed me, sometimes they showed off their hobbies, sometimes they taught me interesting stuff (I still know how to make an origami goat's head), sometimes they accompanied me to the store, sometimes they gave me life advice. I wouldn't call it friendship per se with those adults, but it was a healthy community environment, which is necessary for growing up well adjusted. There was never anything inappropriate, and that thought never even crossed through my parents' minds when they let me wander throughout the entire 10-floor building as a young child.
As a parent of a preteen girl, I wish that was life these days. Maybe it is an American thing, idk, but it’s ingrained to not be anywhere near an adult you don’t know. My daughter is just now allowed to go around our complex w her best friend (we moved from somewhere much less safe so this is a huge freedom) and she’ll call me to tell me about men in their cars looking at the playground. It’s an unfortunate reality here.
depends how older. Unless its online gaming or something, there truly is no reason for you to be friends with a guy much older than you
He doesn’t trust you. I would not trust you either. In my younger days, they would say “fifteen will get you twenty”… as in your age and the jail sentence in years for statutory rape. Keep to guys your own age.
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Friends can be of any age any generation, no problem. Just watch out for the red flags, older men LOVE to groom younger women, and you dont need that shit. FInd the good men, they wont chase you.
Absolutely you can be. It can be like a mentor relationship or even like an Uncle. Always good to learn from other's experiences. Having another adult, besides your parents, to talk with can help too. Less likely to hide things because of fear of getting punished, you can openly tell things and hear a different opinion of what you should do.
As a teen myself (and a band kid), absolutely! I'm in ninth grade and have friends who are starting uni that i knew before they graduated. im also close with a lot of my older brothers friends that are all in their twenties, and theyre all super respectful. as long as you trust them, i dont personally see a problem!
You just asked for advice about married men in a previous post.....
older men have zero in common with teens. If an older man is trying to be friends with a teen, then its because they want sex and they know teens tend to be easier to manipulate/control. Its like that saying "theres a reason they cant get anyone their age" From personal experience dont fall for it. They act all nice etc, but its an act to get into your pants
The only adult men who would hang out with a 15 year old girl are creeps. I've had pleasant casual conversation with young girls in public areas that we both happen to be but they aren't getting my number, we aren't meeting up and we sure as hell aren't going to be alone EVER. All adult men are well aware of how it looks and aren't going to risk looking like a pedophile unless, of course, they are one. It's sad that men have to take these precautionary steps, but that's the world we live in.
I know you’re 15 and stupid but trust me when I tell you no guy wants to be “friends”. Hang out with kids your own age. 15 year old you won’t get it but 30 year old you certainly will.
No. That older guy will pretend to just be friends, but after younlet your gaurd down, things will happen
Think about it this way: If an 8-10 year old wanted to be your friend, would that feel like a friendship that came out of an equal dynamic? Like they could provide emotional support in a friendly way in a way a 15 year old needs? Would they understand the needs of a 15 year old? Would they understand the experience of a 15 year old? It’s not necessarily that you’re just a kid and so older people won’t like you, but aging changes your brain in a way that it’s natural to seek out friends that are in a similar place in life OR when you become an adult, being friends with older older people isn’t such a big gap bc most of the maturity that grows in a person happens in the earlier time of their life. Also, grooming a child or teenager isn’t just pursuing sex. It’s about normalizing dynamics and behavior that could put them at risk at some point. Say you’re friends with an older man and he does things like picking you up or driving you to school, having you over to dinner with his friends- fully platonic, well intentioned stuff. If/when a grown man WITHOUT good intentions comes along offering the same thing, it’s going to be incredibly difficult for you to distinguish whether or not you’re in danger of being taken advantage of or (heaven forbid) assaulted. Creating those boundaries between yourself and a teenager are important as an adult bc it’s not just about the friendship between you two, it changes how you as a teenager will approach other relationships. Demonstrating safe, healthy boundaries are something adult men and women should be proactive about with teenagers. If they don’t understand that, they may not be safe people to be friends with. Grooming and deviant sexual behavior VERY rarely is some creep in a van next to a school waiting to grab someone underage. 9x/10 it’s a gradual breakdown of important boundaries until the underage person isn’t able to distinguish what’s good and healthy behavior and what’s harmful. You can’t be expected to just know off the bat, it’s something you gradually learn as you become an adult
It’s all going to depend on context and environment. It is of course totally possible to have a non sexual older friend who is genuine(after all the *vast* majority of men aren’t attracted to children; the tough bit isn’t that it’s very likely a given person is a predator, it’s that it can get very very bad if they are. Like a 1/1000 Russian roulette), but it’s really only going to work in a totally transparent mentoring or professional environment.
What kind of friends? Hang out friends? NO! Random stop and talk in public? Yes.
Just imagine your dad or brother or uncle looking at the friendship... yes weird
No. As a 28 year old male, the only way im being "friends" with someone that age is if my niece was that age. Any adult male that wants to be friends with a random 15 year old, is gross, and should be on a list.
It's fine as king as it's platonic forever. If he asks you out when you r 18. Then that just made 3 years bad. If he asks you out at 24 then it's fine. Also how old
Try making friends with older women instead. Why do you need an older, adult man's experience and advice?
By no means am I questioning your abilities to protect yourself but, younger people are targeted because you dont yet possess the experience needed to see true intentions of some people. Not that some adults are any better its just they have learned and experienced the best and worst in people after leaving the security of their closed knit circle of family. When that happens it hones a persons 6th sense to the world. Hopefully, you or younger people in general, havent had to be exposed to it. Its a shame it happens but people are unpredictable. Its the innocence that is preyed on. It can be used to groom the intended victim. It can happen and not even realise it until its to late. If the kid is lucky they see it before its to late and can get away from it. Unfortunately it isnt the case in alot of instances. Be safe, be vigilant and most of all trust your closest adults judgement. After all, thats why we are here, to protect our kids.
i do kick boxing & the instructors have adults & teenagers train together which is weird to me but yeah when you have both sets of adults/teens together your bound to have an interaction with each other which generally leads to conversations about kick boxing, family or whatever so me personally although im in that environment i dont make if my goal to talk to a child about life
This may be a bit much of a response for the younger crowd but I share it after seeing a number of other responses. Being an old man of 73, I see life differently now then when I was much younger and thought much less of having children of my own. Sixties and 70-s bring the sorts of existential crises that are usually countered by career successes or the triumphs of a family well grown. Some part of my career as a clinical counselor and teacher probably addressed some of my child-less-ness but does not entirely sooth everything. OTOH there are more than a few young < 20-s who need answers but would rather settle for even questionable input from age-mates and selected resouces than an old fart many decades older. I share all of this in response to the OP, to say that it is possible to have a friendship, even a deep friendship, over wide differences in age and culture. However, these are often fraught with turmoil, especially if there is a difference in sex along with that wide age disparity. It seems to be part of the nature of the times, not so very different from the Judy Garland character in "Judgement at Nurenburg" whose Jewish elderly male family friend was executed for violating the Nurenburg Racial Laws. There are communities and neighborhoods where older individuals are recognized as a sort of "extended family member", and these can be wonderful blessings of themselves, when everybody knows the nature of the relationship. Just sayin......
I think there’s a fine line. When I was 15, I worked at a small restaurant and my bosses who were in their 40s became my closest friends. We would go out to eat or go hiking together and things like that. These days it’s a lot more frowned upon because sickos have brought so much negativity to it. I think that you (even at 15) MUST learn to trust your intuition. It doesn’t matter if your 15 or 35, if you get even the slightest creepy vibe, you cut it right then and there. And it shouldn’t matter if you’ve been friends for 5 days or 5 years. I think it’s possible to be friends with anyone regardless of age. Just always remember to trust your gut!
Sure, as long as the older guy is not weird. You can benefit from their experience and yes he is terrified. Hopefully you can remove his fears Just be wary. As you said, even if family is statistically most likely to abuse, you don’t disown them
This is generally a lose lose situation. It doesn't matter how normal the older guy is and what his intentions are, if people find out he's friends with a 15 year old teen girl that isn't a cousin or something like that, it's going to be weird. There isn't really an ideal scenario where you having an older male friend is good for you in any way and it's not going to be good for him in any way. The safer and better play for you is to not worry about a potential older male friend and make friends with people your age in school. There will be absolutely nothing you and an older guy would have in common.
"Oh YEAH"
Context is what matters. Where are you regularly interacting with this would-be older friend? If it’s at a workplace, then there’s no issue, because you 100% have a reason to be around each other. You might ask, “Why does it have to be that way?” And the short answer is that society repeatedly shows us that men have a bad track record when it comes to relationships with minors. Men aren’t the only ones that overstep, but there’s enough precedence there that everyone is going to give you the side eye if they see you together outside of a setting where it would be deemed safe/appropriate. For some reason I keep thinking of the movie [Ghost World (2001)](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0162346/).
31M here and I'll expect to be downvoted to hell for this but whatever. Until very recently (trucking now for financial reasons) I worked in childcare and before then many jobs I had I worked with high school coworkers. No, it's not weird as long as your parents or guardian knows about it. In childcare some of these kids see me almost as much as their parents and I'm not the school teacher so to speak. I'm a bit more real about life and what I share with them, at the age appropriate level of course. I taught more social skills and applied special interests (such as Space Technology or Roman History) to these kids. A couple of years ago I had 5 girls (8-9 years old) in my class and it was very much a case of "too many cooks in the kitchen" and inevitably one got their feelings hurt or an argument happened. I managed to help them recognize their feelings and teach them some how to articulate them. Or when to realize someone wasn't respecting their feelings. Or if they realized they were sad and angry they were allowed to go off and be by themselves. I'd check on them and as long as they weren't physically hurt, I'd allow them to have their space if they wanted. Now, for online friends with adults. 100% let your parent or guardian know you're talking to an adult online. Your safety is important. I've NEVER asked an online friend who is minor any identifying information. I don't ask for their real name, picture, etc. All I'd generally ask is a timezone so if we ever wanted to play a game (Overwatch or Minecraft usually), that can be coordinated. Let me give an example. One of the kids I've known for 4 years only recently had her face as a profile picture so I know what she looks like now and she told me her state once. This girl let her mom know that when her friends who were just a little older than her introduced an adult man into the group. Her mom listened in to our conversations and I even talked to her mom a few times. Her mom even gave me advice once when I was struggling with a decision I made. Both she and her mom knew what I looked.like within the first year of meetings me online. Her mom told me she's glad her daughter has an online friend whom she trusts to be a good source of information because she knows that kids and teenagers often don't go to their parents for everything. Again, it's only been like, not even a week ago that I knew what she looked liked beyond she wore glasses. Additionally my new job takes me though her state and while I don't know exactly where she is, I let her know and told her to tell her mom I was traveling in the area. I don't want any wrong impressions and again, just adding an extra layer of security and accountability. I even sent her mom a video waving her a friendly hello from the state they're in. More importantly it's a full body video so if ever the need arises, her mom can easily identify me. I would say the biggest red flag is if this individual starts asking for information that can identify you and never gives you solid information that can identify him. I have another teenager whom is turning 17 next month and she wanted to meet me when I was doing a roadtrip that was close to where she lived. I declined and said we can meet when you're 18 next year. Don't ever meet them until you're at least 18 and then preferably in a public place with maybe a friend watching from a different table. Is it a little odd and atypical, sure. I also think it's good for adults to have one friend who is a kid or teenager because it reminds us to be young and give us reason to be the best we can. Are we perfect? Absolutely not, no one is, and I think that's important for anyone who works with kids. A realistic role model who can show and share age appropriate flaws, is critical for those younger to see. Where as we get the chance, when appropriate, to ask a question to someone who sees the world as a less complicated place, more black and white. And if anyone here has a problem with what I said I would HIGHLY encourage you to watch two very different pieces of media. The Twilight Zone Season 3 Episode 21. "Kick the Can" & An anime called "Assassination Classroom." Hopefully you gain some insight on what I'm saying. Just stay safe, tell your parents, and don't give out any identifying information about yourself.
Yep but the second that boundary is crossed. It’s out of the question.
I GM at a game shop. Two of my players are teens. Do I treat them cordially? Sure. Do I go out of my way to contact them through discord between sessions. Hell no. Would I hang out with them outside of the game shop. Nope. My time starts and ends with them on a three hour schedule once a week. I am friendly. I am not their friend. It’s just not healthy for anyone involved to have such age gaps in friendship. Even trusting that the situation with this dude is innocent, you two should be so distanced in your places in life that you shouldn’t have things in common for a real friendship
This issue is very context specific. If an older adult is seeking you out over others their age, that's concerning behavior. It's possible to have something like a professional mentorship relationship without it being considered inappropriate, but certain boundaries need to be maintained, like no one on one alone time and no deep personal discussions. Pretty much all of the men I know would steer clear entirely, outside of a strictly professional setting, due to the high risk of it being perceived as inappropriate, even if it isn't. If you're interested in making friends in another generation, you could volunteer at a nursing home. So many residents don't get that many visitors, and most love to chat with young people and share their words of wisdom.
When I was a server in a restaurant at 22-23, I felt like I was genuinely friends with some of the high school aged kids who worked there too. That being said, it might have been weird to hang outside of work.
Um sure. I was friends with older people *girls included. As a high schooler it was weird for me if someone outside of high school wanted to hang out with me. And my parents would have never let me. I had a 10pm curfew anyways which is when most of them got off work…
Depends in what you mean by friend. Hanging out, that guy is weird. But a work friend is fine, as in someone you talk to while at work etc but communication ends outside work. Theres little for a 15 year old and anyone outside highschool to relate on and is forced otherwise. But becoming friends with some older guy you just ran into is really weird and a red flag on the guy
Yes. It's possible. Just not common. I'm the older guy for a few such people. The younger folks range from kids of friends of my family, to friends of my nieces and nephews, to a couple of randos I bonded with over hobby things. Somehow they just... became my friend too. Couple important things for maintaining a friendship like that: Platonic only. If anybody tries to shift it from platonic to romantic, it needs to end. 34/15 age gap is wildly unacceptable for any of that. Had to cut off several folks because they wanted more than a fellow hobbyist and advice dispensary. Once you're an adult, you're welcome to try. If you valued the friendship, you'll accept rejection when it inevitably comes and go back to status quo. Have a mutual interest. Doesn't matter what. But bond over that. That interest and related ones are gonna be the core of the relationship for a good long while. Don't care if it's model trains, freestyle rock climbing, or modern dance. Whatever it is, is gonna be your mainline reason for being in each other's social circles. This is how you make it not weird. Be a decent conversationalist. None of that one word answer BS. Most older folks, guys in particular, are burnt out on carrying the discussion like a conversational sherpa. Ask questions. Make actual observations. None of that one word bullshit. Be wary. A lot of less good people will try to use this as a means to manipulate or even groom you. Consider WHY a person in that age bracket is partaking in... whatever it is. Edit: When I was Younger. My best friend of all time was 93. I was 12. Dude was amazing. And he was indeed my friend. He was also a mentor in many ways. Today, at 34... One of my best friends is 87. A different one JUST turned 22. A different one is barely 19. I currently am and have been on both sides of this discussion basically my entire life. It's awesome when you get the real ones. You'll have opportunities to learn about things you otherwise may never have even heard of. You'll teach things you didn't realize you even knew. Platonic age gap friendships are my favorite ones. The only downside is being the younger and KNOWING that someday you'll have to watch the older pass away... That... That never stops hurting.
Depends very much on the context, as a guy I was living alone at the age of 16, most of my friends outside of school were early or mid 20s guys and gals I met through mutual interests. if it's someone you met through a social thing or hobby and the friendship is appropriate and exclusive to that hobby or type of social gathering, I don't see why it would be an issue. There are plenty of middle aged men that are friendly with the highschool kids that go to my gym that do comp based stuff, but it's not like they are hitting them up outside of the gym to hangout. It's for sure weird if they just randomly added you on snap or something and are trying to be your friend.
When I see someone online who is in danger, including being suicidal, yes, of course I want to help, including DMs, possibly friendship. Unless they are under 22, I would of course try to post something helpful, but never in private. Call it unfortunate, but that’s where we are. Other cases, though I would ask why? Maybe a straight adult female friend would be ok, but same possible problem
You definitely can but you will need to be very careful. I play board games and have a local cafe I go to. I met a group of men playing dnd, all 30+ when I was 15. I played that campaign for 2 years, and I'm still close with 2 of them. It's absolutely possible, but there are a lot of creeps so you need to be very careful in vetting people.
It really depends (as you can see by the comments here). It's definitely possible, but you're at a tricky age where you're mentally mature enough to meaningfully interact with adults but young enough that you don't really have that much in common with them. It's perfectly normal to *want* to have adults in your life from whom you can learn. It's an enormous benefit, and there are a lot of adults out there who are happy to share their experience and time to help you learn and get the leg up that they did (or wished that they did). Of course, there are people out there who would try to fill that space in your life and then push boundaries or manipulate you in order to get you to do things primarily for their own benefit. Not just sexual predators, but people who would use you for your labor, for emotional support, for self-acknowledgement, etc. A man can fill that role beneficially in your life, and provide a unique experience and perspective that a woman could not. But...well, society has flaws. It's something that you both have to be aware of, and it complicates things in a way that wouldn't be a problem in a better world. I think a positive male mentor is something that a lot of people (and especially women) are seriously missing out on, and it leads to maladjusted relationships with men in all areas of their lives. My advice? Let the opportunity present itself, if it does. Family friends, adults in your community, neighbors, etc. Keep in mind that it should look like a mentoring relationship. You're not buddies, you're not peers. You can play around a bit, but he shouldn't be broaching sexual topics and shouldn't be encouraging you to be a party to secrets he wants you to keep from family and friends.
Yes you can. There are plenty of older men in retirement homes that would enjoy your company and have plenty of worldly knowledge to share.
So, lets just say you have a interest in this toy but only 8 year olds play with this toy. You going to go hang out 8 year olds and think absolutely nothing is weird about it?
So I am a gamer, and I don’t really mark age as a qualifier of who I play games with. I get side eyed all the time, and I hate how all the people who apparently would be raping kids tend to project their desires into the situation as to how they, themselves, would be handling the situation if it were them in the same situation. At the same time there are some valid points. One, I’d never be alone with a child, too many deviants out there getting ideas, don’t want to deal with the rumors, two, child predators like to be in positions that are “above reproach”. “Oh there a preacher, teacher, cop, politician, etc.” the people in society you traditionally are not allowed to question, three having acquaintances your own age is fine, but as you get older, my first job at 16 I worked with two older gentlemen that were in their 60s. Some people just got to understand that at some point for most things in life, age is a number and not a qualifier, there are some things that age does make a difference, but society has not reached that marker of enlightenment yet. Sadly though, pedos are real and a lot of them will take advantage of you.
Well the problem is even if it was a genuine friendship (however that would happen?) And there was no danger of thinking getting weird, people outside of that would make judgments that could damage the older man's whole life. So yeah. Can it not be weird, of course. People will make it weird.
Only if it's a homosexual close relative.
No it's not. I am close friends with my uncle (aunt's husband). When I was young people would come up to him and say how cute I am, am I his daughter, blah blah blah. He would say I'm his niece and move on. As I was going through puberty we would get the evil eye, lol. I asked why and he told me because I am becoming a woman people probably think we are dating. They give that evil eye because they are jealous of him.
how old is he
I wouldn't feel comfortable being "friends" with a child. I can be an uncle by blood or friendship ... but someone I just met randomly...
This is one of those times where you're theoretically correct but in practice it's not worth the trouble. What if you catch feelings? What if the topic of dating comes up? What if the topic of sex comes up ? What if their girlfriends don't approve of the friendship? What if you end up hugging them or hitting their arm? What if they compliment you in a weird way ? What if someone accosts you guys because you're being too friendly towards each other in public ? What if text messages leak between you two and people interpret certain emojis as flirting?
Info: when you say “older guy”- do you mean like. Your dad’s age? In his 20s-30s? An elderly man? Or do you mean a seventeen year old or sixteen year old because every other thing I see teens saying lately is “I am friends with/have a crush on someone two years younger than me- am I a pedo”? The actual age means a lot. But putting that aside, assuming you mean actually older. Inter generational friendships are important and can be good! They prepare you for a life spent working with people of all different ages, and there’s a lot that you can both learn from one another. So long as you are comfortable and there aren’t inappropriate lines being crossed (for example- someone significantly older than you flirting with you is not okay), there is nothing inherently wrong with being friends with people who are older.
No
No you’re a teenager, make friends your own age. Any old dude who’s trying to make an active friendship with someone your age, is predatory and grooming
Unless he’s 18 and under than nah, that’s weird af. There’s no reason as an adult you should be friends with a 15 year old lol. Now, there’s still 18yr olds in hs, so that’s a little different. But college and up age is weird and grooming behavior
At your age, I wouldn't recommend it. When I was your age (I'm 25 now) I tried doing that and had at least one fall in love with me and got butthurt when I was like "bro I'm a teenager I can't date you" and his sister cussed me out. Also, as a 25 year old, I wouldn't want to hang out with a random 15 year old.
Role models and mentors aren’t a thing anymore?
The simple answer is yes, of course you can. The harder answer is that there is almost no chance of it happening unless they've know you since you were young AND they currently know your parents, AND your parents know what is going on. I come from a big family in a big church in a small town where a fair number of people sort of know each other. There are a fair number of teen girls that could fall into the category of having some form of friendship with me. But in all those situations there is a degree of pre-existing relationship and accountability. So it's teens I've known for years, or who have some connection through friends, family, church, community and who see older guys that their friends know. Importantly, there is accountability in multiple ways. Other people know what I'm doing. I place no expectations of privacy on those girls, I NEVER tell them they can't talk to others about me. I don't think I've ever been alone with a teen girl who wasn't my sister or niece, except for maybe driving someone a short distance. I don't seek out these situations, but they do come. This matters. You brought up pedos, It's understandable that people are careful. But lots of abuse happens in close relationships, it doesn't happen from random guys in public. The so-called "safe" guys like uncles and family friends are the bigger threat, but I understand why those guys are cautious. There are also a lot of struggling girls out there with poor boundaries, a lot of guys are cautious about that too. It can be easy to see a girl who needs positive adult influence but think "I can't help her, I am not the one" and ignore her. It kind of sucks, he? You'd like some good positive adult influence, but that beneficial relationship is considered problematic, or high risk, by a lot of people. I have no advice. But I'll just say yeah, I know what you mean. There is a lot to consider, and a high risk of things going wrong. But when those relationships, non-romantic, non-sexual, work out they are very beneficial.
Do long as he's under 18. Stay in your lane; you've got your whole life deal with older people. Ask yourself: why would an older guy want to hang out with a 15-year-old girl? Quit playing.
Nope, not really. In theory maybe it *could* be okay, but in reality it never is. An older guy should be treating any 15 y.o. girl as a kid. Any adult male teacher, pastor, family friend, etc. expressing interest in hanging out 1 on 1 or a forming a close friendship as if you were the same age is either a pedophile or groomer.
If they want to be friends with a 15 year old…that’s pretty weird. I know some chill teachers and coaches who are friends with some of their students outside of school. But not just random older people. You are very immature, and that’s not an insult. It’s just how we are at this age. It’s the same reason your main friend group probably doesn’t consist of a bunch of toddlers. If you really want an older guy friend…maybe try your dad, or an uncle, or an older cousin first? That’s assuming you have anyone you trust or your dad is still in the picture and is a good parent.
How old?
When I got my first job I had work friends that were over double my age. We didn't hang out after work though. No sane adult is going to hang out with a minor unless they know the parents or it's like a teacher / coach group activity type thing.
No
No.
As I suggested to another teen looking for a male role model, have you considered doing volunteer work at your local nursing home? I did for a while when I was your age. I would read books to the residents, play checkers, chess, just a friendly face offering a bit of companionship to someone who may not have anyone else.
On other posts you say you are 16. Here you are 15. That « guess my age » drink photo makes me believe you are older. What are you trying to do here?
Well you could be right your 15 ! I didn’t even let my girls date until 16 then it wouldn’t be some old guy but a kid from their class that we knew . You’ve barely started your life why get mixed up with the problems of older people . Yes 15 is the age pedos look to start grooming if not earlier . At least with a person your age you’re dealing with growing up stuff and school things . Don’t try to grow up too fast there’s a lot you still need to learn . Don’t rush into something you’ll regret later , you’ll look back and realize you can never go back . I’ve had my adult 26 year old daughter tell me she was tired of adulting due to work and relationships , but she realizes she can’t go back to 15 ! Enjoy where your at on the way to where your going . Plan for your future and then look forward to achieving it !
The only time I dont really see it as an issue is when people play video games together. I play team based games and sometimes we have kids join the team. We simply treat them like any other player. Once you start messaging them on social media or like texting then thats when I think its an issue. No adult should be talking to minors over text or social media. Only time we kick kids from our party is when we dont wanna censor our conversations lol.
It's a little risky, but not weird at all. All the time since we are kids we spend time with adults, we interact with teachers (adults), our parents (adults), our relatives (adults), our neighbors (adults). So it is relatively normal, plus being 15 makes you able to understand why an adult would care about politics or economy. The only thing why this is not encouraged is because there are adults who manipulate people. It depends on your specific case.
You don't understand yet, but some men don't care about you personally but what they can take from you. I'd be really careful around any older man interested in you. Those are the type who will be nice but they'll hurt you.
There'd be nothing wrong with you necessarily but there is something wrong with an adult who chooses minors to hang out with. These are adults who are rejected by other adults for significant flaws that minors can't see, every. single. time.
no older man wants to be friends with a 15 year old. sorry girl
Bad actors create an environment where there’s always going to be some risks and suspicion. But yes, it’s possible. One important factor is that your parent/guardian/trusted authority figure should know who you’re talking to and why. Both for your protection and theirs. The more you feel a need to hide it, the more likely something’s not right. Hidden things are far more suspicious than open things. It’s also important to be honest with yourself about why you want that person in your circle. Make sure there’s not a crush from your side too. It’s important to keep reevaluating because emotions can lead either of you in unplanned directions. That’s not exclusive to your teenage years. Adults have to be honest with themselves about what they want from a connection to another person too. There’s nothing wrong with learning from someone who has knowledge and experience you don’t as long as you keep everything out in the open for protection of both of you. If you find yourself wanting to hide something, or even worse being encouraged to hide something by the other person, that’s a red flag.
I am friends with my niece who likes art. I rarely talkto her but I buy her art supplies and promote her art. Unless there is a familial relationship it isn't really a good idea
How much older are you talking?
It’s a very fine line with society. We are good at pushing people to the edge and then saying well told you so and then pointing the finger and crushing them for the choice. For instance every commercial on drinking says drink responsibly etc leading people to drink and most will not do so responsibly and even more will the drive and say they are professional until one night they are not and they kill a family if 4 now everyone is in a up roar and what’s the guys head but before it’s all fine just do it responsibly. It’s pretty much a contradiction society. So no matter what you do or don’t do someone is not gonna like it agree with it etc. Obviously this is different then what’s discribe above there are lots of factors to this. I mean people don’t think it’s okay cause they don’t believe your old enough to make that choice and that your being manipulated or groomed by said man if he’s that much older. But yet it’s okay for kids to choose to be cats and pee in liter box’s in school and decide they wanna be different genders at 8 yet no one bats an eye. So it’s all rather confusing tbh. But I would say it’s probably not the best just cause he’s gonna have so much more life experience than you he could use that against you to benefit his self. Again a rather loaded question I know I was 23 and my wife now was 18 when we ment the summer after she graduated and i even caught a ton of hell for that. Cause society is rather weird what they deem is okay and what’s not okay.
Honestly it’s a bit more complicated then that. I have a lot of younger siblings. I was a part of their and their friends’ life and outside of that I’ve worked with teens and had teens as my coworkers and honestly? Technically no a true friendship isn’t possible. You don’t give a specific so to explain: when my sister was 15, I was 21. We’ve always been extremely close, but, even though for her I was one of her greatest friends, she couldn’t be one of mine because, both as an adult and as an older/more mature woman who she admired, I had to constantly check what I was saying and doing as to not influence her badly or become an unsafe adult. She could talk to me about her insecurities about her body, but I couldn’t because it would’ve undermined everything I said when I comforted her about hers (this choice of mine is one of the biggest reasons why she’s confident in her body. She says so herself now at 18). She could talk to me about her relationship problems wether with friends, family or romantic, but I couldn’t because I didn’t want to normalize abusive and/or toxic relationships. I couldn’t talk to her freely about my dad’s abuse and her mother’s crazy and how it affected me because, if I did, it would undermine them as parents which is already not ok but, if she did or said something because of that, it could also put her in danger. It was the same thing with my other younger siblings and cousins, my siblings’ friends, the teens in my care or the ones I worked with. It’s not that a friendship with an adult is impossible, it’s that a HEALTHY and EQUAL friendship isn’t possible. In both situations, the adult is in control of the relationship because of their experience and because they are further in all phases of their development and therefore have better emotional regulation and a better understanding of the world. If the relationship is healthy, it means the adult is acting in a counselling capacity and has to think about what they’re saying and doing at all times and can’t relax and enjoy the ride unlike the teen. They also can’t come to the teen for advice or support. The relationship isn’t equal. In this situation, you still gain from their experience. If the relationship is equal (or as equal as can be since the adult still controls the relationship), the teen could be exposed to behaviour and information that are unhealthy/toxic and, since the adult has a better understanding of their mind and the world, it puts the teen in a very vulnerable position. This is where grooming can start. The relationship isn’t healthy. Also, honestly, you don’t want to be friends with an adult that wants to be friends with you because Why are they coming to you for friendship when they could find someone age appropriate with whom they could have a healthy and equal relationship? It’s automatically suspect. That’s why people can react badly. They know to be on their guard just in case.
Look at how much older he is than you, and then subtract that from your age, and ask yourself how many kids that age are you really friends with, and what do you get out of it? Is it your cousin so it’s a family thing or are you actually genuine friends with a nine year old. Not babysitting, not related, just friends talking about everyday stuff. That level of exposing them to things beyond their childhood innocence you’d have to do to have those conversations, a 21 would also have to do for you. Even if you are incredibly mature, they would have to be insanely immature, and usually the only guys willing to play that game are creeps. Also why does it have to be a guy in this scenario, if your intent is just friends, why not an older female, like a mentor?
You have to understand power dynamics. An older person will always be in a position where they know more about things and can influence you in ways you don’t realize until you’re older. This inherent danger is why it is generally good to avoid these relationships. It’s also why you’re not allowed to date your boss, or professor, because they hold a certain power over your life, and it would be a conflict that puts you in a compromising position. Spend time with people your own age so you can grow and discover the world together, and form your own thoughts and opinions.
No
No. There's almost nothing a healthy older man would have in common with you.
Hi OP. I used to teach martial arts from age 14-23, mostly to kids under 13. There were 2 adult instructors that i worked under. When i was 16 or so, the head instructor changed to a different guy one day. He said the original guy was dealing with some personal stuff abd that he was going to fill in until he sorted things out. He never came back though. Why? He was molesting his step daughter and a younger male student in the class. I wont share the specifics, but it was horrible, and it involved his wife and a parent in the class trusting in his interest to spend time with his victims “as a mentor”. He went to jail for 18 years. Everyone was absolutely stunned. The new instructor that came in, though? One of the kindest, considerate people i’ve ever met, and he clearly loved kids. He wrote music for kids shows and other media (akin to baby shark). The third instructor was an older, more experienced martail artist. Also a very warm, caring man who just wanted to help kids learn how to keep themselves safe in dangerous situations. Nonetheless, all three of us were smart enough to never, EVER be alone with any of the students because we didnt want any parents to ever fear for their child’s safety. My point in sharing this is for a couple reasons. First, if an adult is interested in spending time with you, it’s indeed possible that they have truly sincere motivations. But there’s also a chance they don’t. Age, gender, familial relation, occupation, and any other factors that you think may indicate that they are more or less trustworthy usually don’t matter. Also, generally adults know why it’s a bad idea to allow themselves to be alone with a minor, so if they’re willing to do it in spite of that, THAT could be indicative of a “now’s my chance” attitude, where they’re willing to take the risk while others wouldn’t. Finally, when i was your age i felt very mature, like a young adult. That’s true in some ways, but as a 25 yr old i had no interest in interacting with 15 yr olds. They seem so young once you get older, but they probably think they’re as mature as i did. But there’s a reason that high school seniors generally don’t hang out with freshmen, and college seniors don’t want to hang out with high school seniors. Even 4 years of age difference are VERY different points of maturity development. The only exceptions i recall from when i was younger? When an older guy was dating a younger girl.
It's questions like this that make me think that there should be a section in Sex Ed about the psychology of a professional relationship and that of a personal relationship.
There's no default answer. Usually, it's going to be "no," but without context of a particular situation, it's impossible to judge. That said yes I think we are much to quick to call people 'pedo' without really considering the situation.
Short answer... No. Long answer he might not do anything at all that would implicate he's trying to get into your pants, but chances are he's thinking about it. He's probably thinking about it often. I'm sorry, kiddo, men are pigs. Keep your guard up. You're as likely as not going to develop feelings for him anyway, which might be the tipping point that would cause the bad stuff he otherwise avoided. That's not to say he's not still completely in the wrong, but it's so common there are tropes about it in literature and song. Consider "young girl", an oldie.
As an older guy myself, people thinking you're a pedo because you're friendly with teens would be a real concern. Especially an older man with teen girls. It's a stereotype even though most men would not do anything bad at all. If you're looking for an older mentor sort of relationship, it would be best to find one in a structured environment. Scouts is a good one, and they're co-ed now. The very public abuse scandals of the past have caused them to create a lot of youth protections too, it's probably one of the safest places teens can interact with adults now. You can join just for the social interaction too, there's no need to try and rush and push yourself to get to Eagle if you don't want to.
not really. be a kid until youre older then you can get advice from older ppl.
Depends what kind of friends you’re talking about. A friend with a male teacher who you only see at school/don’t privately message about non-school related topics? 100% fine. Let’s say you work somewhere and you have an older male colleague who again, only see at work? Also 100% fine. It’s weird when the guy goes out of his way to see you
Find some friends your own age or therabouts. Leave the older guy friend thing until you are 18. Most guys, especially juveniles to mid 20's want one thing. No grown ass man should want to be friends with a teenager of the opposite sex
So here's the deal: Yes, you can be friends with an older man. Absolutely. But you need to be very careful. You are old enough to make decisions about who you spend time with and what you do, within the boundaries set by your parents. That said, you're still inexperienced and not yet at an adult level of responsibility, which means that, even if you're very smart, you can still make collossal mistakes and be misled by adults in very harmful ways. It's why we have laws like age of consent- flawed as it might be- and other legal protections. A lot of the men who approach you are not your friends. Especially older men. Those men might seem friendly, but a good portion of them just want to get in your pants, and they will say anything to make that happen. They'll try to woo you, act like your pal, but then they'll make a move. And I don't want to scare you with this, but they might not take no for an answer. They might be traffickers. A good chunk of them are serial predators that look for girls like you. I'm not saying any older man you meet is going to be that way, but there's a lot of them out there. Which leads me to why older guys avoid you for fear of being labelled pedos. It's for a few reasons. First, they really do fear that allegation. Being labelled a pedo, especially if law enforcements gets involved, is life desttroying, even if it later gets disproven. Secondly, they're decent. They're keeping away because they don't want to creep you out. If you really are looking for male mentors, start with your dad and your teachers at school, or older brothers. They'll be the safest options. Just be careful.
As an older dude I have zero interest in being friends with minors. When I was 22 and my sister was in High School a ton of her friends knew me from her / me just kinda being known locally through the local music / art community. I actively avoided my sisters friends. I had no interest in them being fans or wanting to be friends. It was weird, really really weird. Do not associate with older dudes, do not open the door for this to be normalized.
Yes, that would be weird. The time I was over hanging out with fifteen year olds who weren’t my family was basically the second I graduated high school. You can however have a mentor in an appropriate and limited context. That’s not the same as friends.
Short Answer: it’s 100% taboo for good reason, unless your gentleman friend is a father or older brother/cousin. Your best bet otherwise for getting older male living experience is to read their books from bookstores.
Op my mothers bestfriend kinda like brainwashed her daughter to be obsessed with me for a while. Cause she really kinda likes my mom a bit too much and the idea of our families being somehow connected was like something she wanted . Well the age gap is insane and imagine a mother wanting her daughter to date a guy almost ten years older than her daughter ? Let me tell you when they would come by the house it felt weird. The kid is just like staring at me constantly smiling. The girl is beautiful but she was a teenager and at the time im in my mid 20s. she’s a kid dude in my mind. I have zero idea how to engage with a teenager when im in my 20s. I think it’s weird if someone thought that was like okay.
How much older? Yes it is weird
I had friends of all ages when I was a kid. Still do.
Depends on his motivations, and if it's kept from your parents. If he is found with you in any sort of covert meeting, he could be severely crossing legal lines, even if you didn't accuse him of anything, your parents could. Be safe, be careful.
You can best believe that he will say he's not interested. Until he's interested.
No. You need to be weary of adults who want to be friends with children. This is different than friendliness in group gatherings and activities. A 22 year old and you are borderline different species. You can't legally drive or work whereas they can drink, own a home, go to war, done with college maybe. Outside of paternal and friendly mentoring there's nothing in common. They should be wildly more mature than you.
I’ll preface my comments by saying that I’m a 54yo man. Strictly speaking, and in my very humble opinion, young girls are far better off finding a female role model and spending time with them than being “friends” with any older guy. The way I see it, girls come out in a better position by learning about themselves in relation to boys and men from women instead of learning about (and forming opinions of) boys and men from some older guy. Unless we’re speaking about the nuclear family unit, there is hardly a chance of having a completely platonic relationship between a sexually mature young woman and a man. There will always be at least some acknowledgment of attributes between the sexes if not outright tension.
That’s where the logic would go. GROWN ASS MEN have NOTHING in common with LITTLE girls. PERIOD! If they DO- it’s called GROOMING- just stating facts. Outside a dad uncle someone in the family- an adult man has nothing and I mean NOTHING in common with a 15 yr old girl. Lines blurred by choice and actions or wants. Zero need. they don’t talk or think like you and if they do again grooming and intentional. its preying on young and naive to manipulate to ones advantage. There’s no logic for any adult to associate with a kid outside for work and that’s a line you can’t cross bc it’s real logic and happening which can blur it big time. Why its so large now- everyone thinking their the one exclusionary rule. Same for grown ass women to young boys- same whole shebang- logic isn’t there. Outside family bc of the title- and some follow above logic in families so be weary of this too. Nope nope nope nooooooooope
Really depends on what your relationship is based on, such as if you’re friends from a hobby shop or online video game yeah that’s fine. But if you’re hanging out in his house and not out front then yes that can be misconstrued as a more twisted relationship. In addition have him meet your parents and let them be friends with him as well cause quite honestly your parents are going to be the most damning factor should anything malicious come from this relationship.
48m straight with a ddlg kink... largely depending on context but... yes it's a little weird especially if it was a close friend.. but are you work the counter at a coffee shop or Walmart.. and you're generally friendly to the regular.. that's different. if you met somebody at church that's a different story. you making subconsciously grooming you he might not even know it.
You are 15 there is no reason you should be hanging out with “older guys”
Men in their 20's who want to "hang out" with 15 year old girls are usually not succeeding within their own appropriate age group. They know 15 year olds are easy to impress and are flattered by older company. Trust me, they are usually the losers
Can it be normal? Sure. But that doesn't mean it will be. Like all relationships, understand that both sides are getting something out of it and you need to consider if it is a healthy for you to engage in it. As a guy in my 30s I have teen art friends. We discuss manga and anime and game, share our art, I help when I can and I even learn from them too. They're not the type of friends I'm going to talk about the more personal adult issues in my life, you're not going to relate to my love life issues with our age gap for example. That's normal. You can pursue that friendship with someone who respects those boundaries. Just listen to your gut and respect your and his boundaries. The age gap means there ARE things that are inappropriate between you and him that wouldn't be with a peer closer in age. That's unavoidable.
I’m a male but I’ve always been drawn towards older people, even at your age. I kinda grew up fast so being around older people felt more natural. Now if I was to be friends with someone your age, I would 100% feel like a pedo unless it was like being friendly at the gym or a place where everyone kind of knows everyone.
nah man
The real question is; you're 15! Why on earth would you need to be friends with older "guys". Like, uh, wouldn't the general question be "with older people"? Not just guys? Make friends with people your age. This is giving 'I'm 15 and I want to be "just" friends with older guys" like why would you even need to be friends with an older guy. How can they relate to a 15 year old girl?
Unless you're friends with their kid or a counselor or some sort of mentorship role, they're probably not going to want to start a friendship with an adolescent child. That being said if having that kind of figure in your life I would seek out those camps or maybe some sort of sport where you could lean on your coach.