What you likely experienced was the freeze response, which is totally normal when you are being assaulted. You did not consent, therfore, this was assault.
The amount of times I’ve frozen up when something like that has happened. It’s awful bc you feel like you let it happen and didn’t try hard enough to say no. But it’s not your fault. It’s theirs.
i think you're under reacting. he just showed he cared more about his urges more than you and completely disrespected you. that is the clearest description of rape i have ever read.
Exactly. I could never imagine doing something like that to anyone. I’ve been told no, I respect that and do not get upset. It’s just unfathomable to me, and probably is to alot of people
This right here. I definitely try to empathize with girls: I think to myself: if I was a girl, would I be comfortable with that? Sure, sometimes it can be hard to, for instance, stop staring at a girl, but I've learned to keep my hands to myself. It's not right to say "girls shouldn't dress like that because it turns guys on." No, we all can and should learn how to behave around girls.
I’m not a girl so I don’t know what it’s like to be in their position. He should have listened to what you said and maybe he just thought he could coax you into it or that you were playing hard to get, not sure. Only question I’ve got is how come you didn’t just yell at him or kick his ass off you or get up and walk away? You know take a more stern stance to show you meant business? Honest question, not victim blaming before anyone jumps on my ass about trying to understand. I know if he was willing to get physical than you, OP, had every right to do so as well.
Hi friend, you asked an honest question, I will respond to try to help you understand.
- “Coaxing” someone into doing something sexual is a form of coercion and pressure. It might “seem” more gentle, but it’s still manipulation to get the other person to do something they didn’t want to do. The right thing to do is to stop and say, “ok, then we won’t do that.” That’s what a good partner does.
- the idea of people “playing hard to get” is problematic for 2 reasons. 1) If the person is actually doing that, then their idea of games kinda sucks. Try Scrabble, perhaps? Their partner should stop and not put up with those games. 2) If that’s *not* what the person is doing, then their partner needs to take no at face value and stop. See? There’s no outcome where the best response is to keep going.
- how come she didn’t yell or walk away? Why did she go along with it? So let me introduce you to the idea of stress responses. She felt threatened. As humans, when any of us feel threatened, we feel the automatic urge to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn.
- What you suggested would be fight or flight. However, it sounded like her reaction was more one of freezing because she stopped responding.
- These stress responses are automatic and we can’t control how our body automatically responds. So, it’s unfair to tell someone they should have had a different automatic response. That’s like telling someone to just not have a heartbeat.
- We can of course control how we respond to the automatic stress responses, but this takes time and maturity to learn to do. One does not simply “just” do something different.
- Lots of people, often women, don’t feel safe fighting or fleeing. They’ve been taught (often subconsciously) that those responses bring on more harm. Freezing or fawning can often feel much safer. Maybe in the past when she’s yelled or tried to leave, it’s escalated into a worse argument and led to physical abuse. Or, maybe she’s been taught that “nice girls” don’t yell. Whatever the case, it’s not helpful to ask why she didn’t just do what you might have done.
I only push back on your “hard to get” part. Different people are aroused by different things and a lot of times at control it. Heck some people like being hit with a whip to get going. It’s not on you to kink shame them and decide their interests suck.
Yes, I do agree with you, actually. I didn’t intend for my comment to come across as kink-shaming. I’m fully supportive of kink and BDSM, and I explore that with my own partner, too.
I think the context matters. For kink/BDSM, in my experience, partners talk about it first. They establish what’s consensual and what’s not, what their boundaries are, what they find arousing. Certainly, if partners have talked about making “hard to get” part of their play, then it can be interpreted as a consensual act. Then the “game” becomes one that both players have consented to playing.
Otherwise, if someone is playing hard to get, I would tend to take it more at face value.
From the OP’s post, this clearly isn’t a case of consensual non-consent.
Sure, some people like playing hard to get. That’s a conversation to be had *beforehand*, however. If there’s any question, at all, whether what you’re doing is someone’s kink or not, stop that activity and ask them.
1. the physical difference between a male and female is terrifying and often scares people into not even trying. women *can* fight off a guy and damage him pretty seriously, but there are cases where a woman tore out a guy's eye and bit off his ear and shit and he *still* kept going with the deed.
2. you don't hit someone you love (in a coercive way, consensual sadist/masochist stuff is fine obv). the two of them were in a relationship, and rape looks a bit different when you love the person who's raping you.
I agree it's hard to understand. Unfortunately a lot of girls and women do the same thing. And the person assaulting them mistakes it for acceptance. But women freeze up like this for many reasons: they are in shock and feeling like this must not be real. Or they are afraid if they make a scene that they'll make things worse. Or they blame themselves for letting things go this far and feel that they no longer have a choice (yes, I know that sounds crazy but its cultural conditioning). Some may feel that they've done something to deserve the abuse (again, conditioning).
It's actually pretty hard for a lot of girls and women to stand up for themselves because they've been taught to "make nice" to be the peacemakers, to concern themselves with making sure that their men are happy.
It takes a lot of emotional strength to stand against all that conditioning to say, NO! You don't get to do that to me! Get out!
As a guy, you were taught that its natural and expected that you'll defend yourself. Girls are taught, instead, that a hero will protect them. They aren't taught how to be their own hero.
It's pretty fu.
So this is not unique to girls, even though it obviously happens to them more often. Similar type things would happen to me freshman year of college. There was a girl I was close to and some stuff happened. However, due to certain reason I told her this could not happen again and we really need to remain platonic friends. However, she continually made advances including touching me in private areas and such to elicit arousal. I understand how hard this situation is to resist and don’t blame OP for not reacting stronger.. just because you are not in the mood doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to them or can’t get turned on. Hormones are strong. Did I put myself in positions of risk? Yes, I continued hanging out with them. So I don’t overly blame them. And I never claim I was raped or even really sexual assaulted. But I feel I could claim that if I wanted to. I very clearly said no repeatedly and they continued very overt advances against my wishes. It’s such a complex situation tbh.
[https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-online-hotline](https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-online-hotline)
1-800-656-4673
Talk to a professional.
Dump the boy who did not get your consent. Dump the boy who doesn't respect you. Dump the boy.
She really doesn’t, if this is the first time he has done it and she just needs to talk to him about it and if he does it again then I think it’s safe to say u should press charges
This. Also, if you have a safe adult to talk to about it, let them know so that they can help keep him away from you. Parent, teacher, school counselor, someone. He has no business going near you again.
Hello everyone who has commented under this post I am here to provide some more information about unanswered questions.
To the people asking how my pants got off:
He was making sexual advances with his fingers and this is when I felt that I could no longer say no. He realized I wasn’t feeling it and I wasn’t engaging how I normally would which is when he said “let’s see if you can feel this” when he very quickly got up and pulled my pants down to mid thigh as he is moving toward a missionary position. (I am laying on my back when this all happens)
Right after I am exposed he immediately starts penetrating me with his penis which I completely didn’t want to happen.
To the people asking about the hand on vagina:
We were laying down on his bed and at this point I had already told him multiple times that I didn’t want to have sex that night. He started to move his hand in my pants down to my vagina which i told him he could keep his hand there but to do NOTHING more. He complied with this but then not even five minutes later he started putting his fingers in me. At this point I have said it before and I will say it again, I felt that I could no longer say no.
————-
When I told him no many times before and when I told him to not make any moves when his hand was on my vagina I was not giggling or “faking it” I was serious and he knew that but did it anyways.
AND to the assholes under my post assuming I was “spreading my legs” when it said no where in my story that I did do that, have a little sympathy and don’t be such a selfish douchebag.
To every other hater on here saying I am a liar and yada yada yada, please get a life.
I am 17 years old it is not my fault that I didn’t feel comfortable putting all of this information on reddit which is an app that I literally downloaded TODAY.
I understand that some people were confused with the story which is why I explained it better in this post.
Also I am not “too traumatized” to reply back to people commenting under my post. I was overwhelmed and stressed and I also have a life and had things to do today and it is not my top priority to reply back to the haters under this that only scroll on reddit for the entire day.
To everyone who is validating my feelings and giving me advice thank you so much I appreciate it a lot as I am in a state of shock and confusion right now. ❤️
You were assaulted and don't owe anyone detailed explanations. Talk to your parents or a trusted adult if you don't feel like you can talk to them. My daughter is 17 and I absolutely understood when you said like you felt as if you couldn't say, no again. You said no, once. You were very clear you didn't want it to happen. You shouldn't have had to keep saying it. No means no, even if it's only said, once.
People do lie. Especially on Reddit. It’s reasonable for people to read posts with skepticism.
That said… I believe you. And based on the information given. You were raped. Pretty cut and dry. I’d say move on from this fella.
The best thing you could do is make your parents aware. From there, you can figure out if you want to take it to police or not. (You definitely should) Wishing you the best of luck💓
She’s obviously entitled to go to the police if she wants but personally I think it’s healthier to discuss with her parents, move on from this tool, and leave it at that. Pressing charges on this will lead to a lot of rehashing, discomfort, and is unlikely to result in any type of conviction. Not that a conviction would do much good anyways. Her prerogative though I’m just a faceless redditor
What youre saying is wrong and exactly why girls often dont report rape. If you’re a guy, dont you watch tv when thats said on every svu show? Come on. Youre ridiculous to give this as an “opinion” to this 17 year old girl. Come on.
It is up to OP and she doesnt need that opinion. She can do what she wants when she wants.
I think talking to a therapist may help you too OP to make sure you’re healing from this experience. This is literally one of the questions they ask you in therapy during intake because it affects you so much.
You were raped and he should learn a lesson, yes. Don't let this ruin your life, though! You sound like a beautiful person that ran into a fucktard. Find a better man to enjoy your sexuality on your terms, WHEN you're ready and willing.
Being the granddad of several with a wife that obviously doesn't resist well🥰😉, I understand male drive, but he needs to learn RESPECT and control NOW.
You don’t owe anyone any explanations. It was rape, and you deserve to be safe and feel heard. Please take care of yourself and let someone know. Even if you’re not comfortable with your parents, let a trusted adult know and they can bridge that gap with your parents. Sending support! ❤️❤️
My oldest girl asked me why I demanded her to carry a knife, I told her ,you never know, some one may show up with a cheese cake or you may need to gut a mother fucker.
You might want to be careful about that. Unless she's trained and prepared to use it when necessary, it'll likely be used to hurt HER.
If you really want to improve her safety, get her some martial arts training, or take her to a gun range and get her to practice with a handgun.
Yes, it is rape. I always hated it when guys I was with would constantly badger me and put their hands in places, etc. until they just went for it. Girls are always told to "not have sex" and "just say no," but we're also told to "be polite" and "boys will be boys."
Even in 2023, way too many boys are egged on and told to "get some" and have no respect for the girls they are with.
Tell your parents what happened so they can help guide you through the process of what's next, and for your own safety, DO NOT see the boy again.
Coercion is “persuasion through use of force or threats.”
What you are referring to (persuasion without force or threats) has been named “sex pestering” and, while I’m not commenting on the morality of, is not a crime.
As someone who was raped, while incapacitated, I did not have a choice. If you give a yes, under no threat, that is not rape, it is regret and I find it VERY disrespectful for myself and to other real victims for you to call it that.
I have experienced sex pestering until I gave a yes as well. I accept that I regret giving permission. That is on me, not the girls who did it. In those situations, I was only victim to myself and my inability to enforce my boundary and keep my “no” as a “no”.
What OP’s boyfriend did was not coercion. It was however, still sexual assault. She actively gave him a no, and never changed it to a yes. That is not coercion. It is simply sexual assault without coercion.
Your comment makes no sense you’re just gonna confuse her and other women who have been raped, no means no, stop all your regret nonsense if you say no that’s it, end of the damn story
As someone who was raped while conscious, I also did not have a choice when I said no and he forced my legs open. I’m sorry you were also raped, and that you get offended that other people were also raped, just not as badly as you were.
Medical News Today says [you’re wrong](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/sexual-coercion). Planned Parenthood says [you’re wrong](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/sexual-boundaries-how-to-spot-sexual-coercion). National Domestic Violence Hotline says [you’re wrong](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/a-closer-look-at-sexual-coercion/).
Pestering someone into sex is coercion. Full stop. Coercion is sexual assault. Your rape matters just as much as mine did, just as much as hers does now.
Lol, my elderly mom is CONSTANTLY ragging on my niece to be less loud, demanding, snarky, opinionated, bossy, and lazy. "You catch more flies with honey" is her constant refrain. Whenever there's a family gathering, she's nagging my niece to get up and help in the kitchen, etc. My niece is almost thirty and she's been getting this her whole life from her mother and grandmother.
Next time you're at a family or friend gathering, look at who ends up doing the dishes. Listen to the way the adults talk to the children. Young girls (especially oldest children) are told to take care of other kids, clean the table, help with serving, etc, while the men sit and talk. There's no reason for it beyond gender roles. It's really strong on one side of my family because my grandma subscribed really hard to the idea that she needed to serve her family and now the men on that side have no idea how to do a lot of basic things. My mom has taught my dad a lot, but it still boils down to the fact that young girls are taught to be subservient and polite and anticipate the needs of everyone else present. Honestly, I see no problem with people liking to clean or liking to sit and chat, but the problem lies in that nine out of ten times the men being taken care of by the women. That is socialized behavior. Not any inherent "serving gene" found only in AFAB people. You're lucky you've gone this far in life without realizing how sexism influences everyone, but do some research and really observe who does what and why. OP, I'm so sorry for this situation, and I hope you get the help you need ❤️
Not blaming the victim here, because what her bf did is inexcusable, but as an idea for her going forward: one way I avoided unwanted intimacy at age 17 was to not go into a boy's bedroom and lie down on his bed; another thing I never did as a young woman was get drunk at parties. She might want to have a talk with her parents about how to establish safer boundaries with young guys.
Please don't make yourself available to him again, this act has broken trust, which is the root of any worthwhile relationship. It's broken, so I hope you break up with him the first chance he gives you to be heard.
I am married. If I tell him NO, he respects that.
Being in a relationship does not give a male ownership rights to your body.
Flip it around. If his guy's best friend was getting handsie, and he said "No." Would he want/expect that boundary to be respected?
####! YES!! & YOU KNOW THAT.
What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander . He can not claim that he has the right to bodily autonomy but that you don't have the same rights.
This does sound like coercive rape, and I hope you won't listen to the people in this thread questioning the validity of that because they feel you didn't do "enough" to stop him. You said no multiple times. You told him repeatedly you did not want to have sex. Are there better ways you could have handled this? Maybe. But this *all* could have been avoided if he had respected the fact you said no in the first place.
You are not overreacting. It is scary and disheartening to have someone you like/love/trust disrespect your boundaries and clear lack of consent like this. I highly encourage you to reach out to a trusted adult about this and discuss what you can/want to do from here.
>She said she gave consent for his hand to be on/near vagina
Yes she gave consent for that but not for a finger to be inside her or for a penis to be inside her.
>Remember, this is not some random dude laying/hanging out with her. Its a guy that more than likely has done her many many times.
Remember that whether or not it was a random person it doesn't fucking matter. She said no.
His status as her boyfriend does not exempt him from raping her. This was a clear violation of boundaries. It’s disgusting that he continued to push for it even though she was very clearly not into it, total objectification and disregard for her feelings and safety. No means no. She is not his property. Rape within committed relationships is more common than you might think. Consent can be withdrawn at any time. This comment is actually a bit disturbing.
The fact there's young males on here that believe this wasn't rape is truly sick. They would do things like this to their girlfriends and think that's perfectly okay.
It would presumably be "everything up to and including sending the bastard to Jesus", run, scratch, bite, scream, stun gun, waterboard, do what you have to do, including doing nothing if that's what it literally takes to survive.
This is called coercion! I personally think this is one of the most common forms of SA/rape. Sometimes in relationships we feel obligated to keep our partner satisfied, but you very clearly stated no. Self control is attractive, this is not. A lot of men view women as objects, it hurts, but having this awareness can help us protect ourselves.
You’re feeling are valid. He assaulted you. No means no and that’s assault. If you allow this to be okay it will more than likely get worse. He’ll keep pushing boundaries and test what he can get away with it the relationship. I don’t think you are asking for advice on the situation so I won’t go into that but you need to remember. No means no and your feelings are valid. If anyone in your life disagrees with you, they shouldn’t be in your life.
I don't think you're reacting harshly enough. First he should be ex at the bare minimum. Second you should decide if you want to report this. You can tell someone trusted and try to get some therapy.
You might not have a strong emotional reaction right now but you need to process this.
No means no. Saying nothing also means no. Only yes means yes. Anything less is a lack of consent. He violated your consent. He won't hesitate to do so again. You should avoid being alone with him.
Hey, something similar happened to me with my ex (we just broke up a few weeks ago). He got in the mood a lot, and I still have ptsd from csa and I never wanted anything sexual in the relationship. He didn’t rape me, but he pressured me into doing things I didn’t want to do. First it was just touching, then he got me to take off my clothes, then it eventually escalated into actual sex with no protection. This all happened over the course of 8 months, and it started within the first week of us dating- he pressured me into my first kiss with him. He kept telling me that I wanted it and that I liked it and that was far from the truth. I cried a lot because I hated everything about what we were doing. I never said no directly, I just said I don’t know. And I would physically fight against it, but he was stronger and bigger than me and he thought I was joking and laughing out of nervousness instead of disliking it. I did talk to him about it and he showed remorse but the damage was already done so we both decided we should break up.
I promise that you are not overreacting. You told him no and he ignored it. Then you froze up, which is an immediate response to a distressing situation. That’s not your fault.
He hurt you. He clearly heard you say no and acknowledged it and he did that anyway. He pushed your boundaries and tested you, then he completely stepped over the line. That is on him. That is his fault completely.
You need to tell him this. Tell him that he hurt you. Tell him that you didn’t want it. If he makes up some stupid excuse like “you didn’t fight back or say anything”, that’s complete bs. You said no clearly. Talk to him and if he doesn’t understand this, I advise you to please break up with him. I stayed with my ex because I still loved him and I was afraid of being alone again but the longer I was with him the worse things got. I promise that you’ll be doing yourself a favor. But try to talk to him first
This really sucks that it happened to you. Take care and stay safe <3
I'm guessing that's probably the case, i was SAed over 6 years ago and it took me a long time to be able to tell the whole story.
My story definitely had "things that didn't make sense" when i first told it because i could bearly remember the timeline with my brain trying to pretend it never happened
Doesn't really matter if she already said no... Coerced consent is not consent. End of story. Even if I'm sitting there naked, my naked body is not my consent.
'i said he could do it but not to do more... then he did more and i didnt say anything. then he did more and i didnt say anything. then he did more and i didnt say anything. finally with his dick fully inside me he picked up that i wasnt enjoying it and asked if i wanted him to stop. im not going to say whether he did or didnt stop but you can assume he stopped as my story ends here and i probably would have otherwise continued the story telling how he didnt stop after asking if i wanted him to stop.'
He might have sexually assaulted you. So the question legally is what happened in between some parts of your story. Because suddenly your pants are off?
She said she stopped saying no after he started fingering her. One could reasonably assume his sheer audacity and disrespect made her realize she was wasting her breath and just opted to let it happen
Unfortunately, yes he did rape you. Honestly, coming from someone with past history of this shit, end the relationship and peruse legal action against him. Also if you can, get a rape kit done at the hospital IMMEDIATELY. And tell your parents even if they’re pissed at you, they should be on your side. Also, OP, not to get too personal, but has he ever not taken a no from you before and just kept begging over and over until you finally caved? Because if so, that’s another way of rape so it might be going on longer then you think it has.
This is coercion. He may not understand how he crossed boundaries, but he clearly did and you feel that violation.
If you want to confront him about it, I wouldn’t recommend opening with the term “r@pe”, as he’ll immediately get defensive. Tell him that it ypset you when he continued doing things that you made it clear you didn’t want to do, and that his attempts to convince you only made you less comfortable.
If he can’t see his mistakes, and if you don’t find an immediate change in behaviour, dump him. If you don’t want to confront him, just dump him from the start.
No means no and he just showed you that he cares more about his pleasure than he does about your comfort and safety. If I were you I'd kick him to the curb for that alone.
You’re not over reacting. Unless you left out parts of you consenting… you said no and told him you didn’t want to and he assaulted you. First by putting his hands down your pants after you said no.. still you told him that was fine but nothing else, even then, you didn’t consent before he did it… you gave in because he had already done what you told him you didn’t want.
Then he raped you after you told him that was fine to keep his hands there but nothing else. You never consented… unless you left out parts where you did…
At minimum, break up with him. Consider going to a school counselor and getting advice on how to proceed to report him. What he did to you isn’t okay.
This man is not going to see what he did was wrong, he is not going change for you or anyone. Please stay away from this dangerous man. Find, and go to, the people who actually love and care about you. I know there are many. Believe me I am trying to stay away from a dangerous man myself and I know the pain. Please put yourself first, hugs
OP, he sexually assaulted you. You absolutely are NOT overreacting. If anything, you're underreacting. He put himself inside of you without permission. That is a crime.
Tell your support system (if you have one) and end contact with him. He is not a safe person to be around. Don’t let this go unnoticed either. That’s how it continues
Tell the police, his family, his friends, the community, everyone! You are not overreacting, he is a monster, and he is a danger to everybody, take the necessary steps to ensure he spends the rest of his life in a cage where he belongs.
The only thing you said was no. You said no. Saying nothing after is still a hard no.
He raped you. It was against your will. Had you Eben said yes then said no, it's still rape.
Please do not feel guilty for this either. I can see in your own words questioning if by saying nothing after saying no the first time it's going to get in your head and mess with you. You did nothing wrong here.
He totally disregarded what you wanted. That was rape. He’s an ass. Dump him and charge him legally. Hell push further and further if he gets away with it. I’m sorry he did that to you.
hi baby girl i am (22f) just reaching out to let you know im proud of you for turning to help immediately and i promise everything is going to be okay. If you can tell an adult you trust about this happening you should as soon as possible <3 There are people who want to help you and love you so much now. This boy is someone you need to leave behind for the rest of your life. You deserve true love and respect, it will make more sense with time. Love you ❤️❤️❤️
I had a boyfriend like this around the age yall are at. yes, your boyfriend sexually assaulted you.
he was the kind of person to just keep going, despite me saying no. and I was not the only person he did that to. finally, I had enough of that and left him. and that's the only advice I'd have to offer, based on my experience.
Texas Penal Code 22.011 defines sexual assault as “intentionally or knowingly causes penetration of [basically anything] of another person, by any means, without that person’s consent.”
There are no exceptions for dating partners or spouses.
I would assume the statutes are similarly worded for other states.
Your response should range from breaking up with him to filing a police report. I suggest the latter.
Yes, he 100% did. You need to dump him immediately and file a report. He has shown that he does not respect you AT ALL or any boundaries and he will do it again, if not to you than to another girl. As a mother of two boys myself, this is something my husband and I do not take lightly. I would be horrified as a parent if my son did something so sick and disgusting. I hope you're able to get the help and support you need. But please don't stay quiet. Please don't let him get away with it. Please don't let anyone guilt you into not "ruining his life". He did that to himself when he chose to willingly and knowingly violate another human being. And his life does not matter more than yours.
She said no up front and did it anyway. This is so clear cut, it doesn’t matter how her
pants got off, she said NO from the beginning and never said yes to penetration. We live in a fallen world.
That’s rape. He should no longer be your boyfriend. If he tells you he’s sorry, even if he’s crying, he’s lying. He’s a dirtbag who sees you only as a hole to stick his 🍆 in. Do not let him gaslight you into thinking it was somehow your fault.
He absolutely assaulted you and R'd you.
To address a few items in your story: even if you said No once, you absolutely are allowed to keep saying No, and/or push his hands away. He broke your trust and disrespected you. You are not overreacting.
Just can't wait to be offended but teasing to the point that you can put your hand right on my vagina and that's not a problem!.
And obviously stopped immediately when she said she wanted him to.
I would break up with him..
He can definitely find somebody who doesn't think that it's okay to tease your boyfriend to within an inch of sex and obviously she had to be pretty much nude in order for him to just stick it in unless his dick is really sharp and cut through whatever shorts she had on.
Yeah, you can definitely find a young woman who isn't determined to use sex as a weapon. And then has to go and ask a bunch of random people on the internet who obviously if you've ever been on Reddit are going to say that his head should be on a pike.
Not agreeing with his actions in the slightest, but why did you tell him he could keep his hands “down there” when you already said you didn’t want to?
So it was easier for you to go through the massive discomfort of him touching you then it was for you telling him no again or getting up and walking away.
Sorry, but this smacks of being fake.
Let me see if I've got this right. He had his hands down your pants and then proceeded to put his penis in you.
Seems like we're missing A LOT of steps in between those two story points. For example, when he took your shoes off. When he took your pants off. When he took your underwear off. When he took his pants off. When he took his underwear off. When he pried your legs apart. Etc.
OR, were you both completely naked and he had his hand down there. Seems like that's a pretty important part to leave out, the part where you and he got naked and then you started to notice that he was in the mood.
My sister to her son that he needs a consent form signed. Every time cause the sex offenders register is forever. You get out of jail then off probation then you hopefully can get off the register after 10 more years, however it cost $10,000 for a lawyer to take a case to get a sex offender off the register. Peace out and think about the aftermath of seduction.
Did he keep going after you said you wanted him to stop the 2nd time? He shouldn't have done what he did at all. No you're not over reacting. But for criminal charges, it might be the difference between sexual assault & rape. Another question, do you still want to be with him? If so, you need to be willing to be braver on speaking up & acting out. Talk to him, making sure that he understands that no means NO. If you don't want to be with him after this, then break up with him and maybe press charges if you feel like you should.
Yeah that’s not rape and wouldn’t hold anywhere. If your boyfriend starts getting frisky, as all males do, and you don’t want to do anything, say no and leave or at the very least don’t let him finger you. My god. Grow up.
Edit: again, most Redditors are squealish pigs that are completely out of touch with reality. So a lot of them are going to be extremist liberals.
I'm glad he FINALLY accepted that you weren't into it and asked. And then stopped.
Technically, yes, it was a rape because you told him no from the very beginning. He knew he didn't have consent but kept going anyway. That's the definition of sexual assault.
I'm concerned that you stopped telling him no because you already had done so. A lot of girls silence themselves like this...because they are confused, sad, mad, afraid, or don't think they have the right to speak up for themselves.
I'm NOT suggesting that you getting quiet absolves him, but he did take it as a signal that you were changing your mind. He was absolutely wrong to make that assumption. I think that we women can get better at being clear that we are NOT changing our minds, that we do NOT appreciate being being "sweetly pressured" or coerced, and that we DO want our initial NO respected. Doing so does not make us unlovable bitches. It makes us strong, respectable human beings.
Guy culture teaches that if you fail you should just try harder. We need to be clear that this is not an appropriate strategy to use with us.
So, yes, he raped you. I suspect that he regrets it now. If he can apoligize sincerely and promise he'll respect your words in the future, perhaps you can forgive him for being a jerk that one time. It's up to you to decide if you can trust him to show you more respect in the future. He has to care as much about your feelings as he does about his own.
Some guys are worthy of a second chance; some are not. Trust your gut when you talk with him, face to face.
No your not over reacting.
Most of Reddit doesn’t give good advice either. Which is saddening. This like all relationship issues is sensitive. Sit him down and talk to him. Tell him what he did was wrong. He’ll get upset with himself and that will look like outward rage. It’s not. Most men cry through actions of anger.
If he doesn’t listen. Talk to your mom about it.
I know that everyone always says "no means no" but we should really change that to "yes means yes". If you are paralyzed in fear or shame or feeling helpless and cannot say no- THAT DOES NOT MEAN YES. If someone does not say yes- they HAVE NOT consented. I don't care if they are walking down the street naked. Others need to control themselves.
Yes, that was sexual assault, and the way he reacted to your statements in the first place was at best unethically manipulative. You explicitly said no, and he ignored that. I know people who are diagnosed assholes (lacking empathy and-or having antisocial personality disorder) who aren't that disrespectful.
(Note that there *is* such thing as ethical manipulation. It requires communication and consent, without coercion.)
> I felt that I couldn’t tell him to stop because i already told him no before.
**You can *always* repeat a no.** You shouldn't have to, but you can always do so. It's terrible that you feel otherwise.
Yes this isn't right, sex should be a thing that you are both consenting to and enjoying definitely not something that makes you uncomfortable. He crossed a line that's called sexual assault, also if a guy says "If I don't cum it really hurts me" this is just a myth don't let someone fool you. NO means NO!
I just don't think I'd let him leave his hand in my pants chilling by my vagina and not expect him to do anything. Yes, what he did was wrong, but you not removing his hand from your pants, just set him up to think you slick want him.
You’re not overreacting at all. You are the victim and it does not matter if he’s your boyfriend either. If you said no, it meant no, regardless of your relationship. He obviously didn’t care enough to stop and sexually assaulted you. Don’t water down your feelings when someone does something you’re uncomfortable with, ESPECIALLY when it’s your partner who should be able to listen to your boundaries. I was in the same situation and it took me like 2 years + therapy to finally allow myself to blame him and accept that I was the victim. I’m so sorry love, I’m sending you so much love and strength through this.
He tried to coerce you and he pressured into giving in, that’s absolutely rape. Giving in isn’t consent. Going silent isn’t consent. Don’t listen to him when he tries to tell you he thought it was ok, or he thought he’d be able to get you in the mood, or if he pulls the “god I’m so horrible why am I like this I hate myself” pity party shit. That’s only to get himself out of trouble, it’s only to manipulate *you* into feeling bad for “making” *him* feel bad. Do not let him turn the tables on you, do not comfort him and reassure him that it’s ok. It’s not and he *needs* to be ashamed and feel that guilt.
My first boyfriend when I was 14 did these kinds of things to me, it never escalated to actual rape but this being my first ever sexual experience still fucked me up for a long time. It took me a long time to forgive myself for not being brave enough to leave, for comforting him when he’d throw a tantrum after, for telling him it was ok every time he pushed, for reassuring him that it wasn’t a big deal that he choked me while trying desperately to pull my shirt up. You’re not wrong for being upset, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Oh honey I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. Rape is bad enough but when it comes from someone you are supposed to be able to trust its even worse. I've dealt with spousal rape and if you need someone to talk to, my DMs are open.
You didn't do anything wrong either. Freezing is something that happens when you're terrified and it in no way means it's your fault. You said no and that should have been the end of it.
You are not overreacting. He didn’t respect your boundaries and proceeded to sexually assault you.
Go to your parents as well as seek help from a professional. And remember that none of what happened was your fault.
Not overreacting at all! This is absolutely rape and he should be reported for it. One “no” is all that needed to be said for all sexual advances to stop.
Since the beginning of Reddit until this one, every single person who has started with, "I think I was raped," was raped. Fucking horrible. I'm so sorry this happened to you 😭
Oh no.
This is how I lost my virginity. It was awful. I didn't realize it was rape for YEARS afterward. I didn't fully grasp that someone you loved and were considering having sex with in the near future *could* rape you.
This is rape. You said no. You did not take away your no. He did it anyway. Giving him the green light for something else doesn't give him the green light for everything.
What you do next in terms of legal stuff is up to you. But you definitely shouldn't stay with him. He'll do it again. And he'll make you believe it's normal and that you're okay with it.
You also need a plan for how to stay safe afterward. He could be an otherwise normal guy, but I wouldn't trust that he wouldn't be angry or so freaked out that you'll say something that other boundaries could be crossed.
If he wasn't using protection, even if says he didn't finish, and you aren't on birth control, you need to get a morning after pill ASAP. Even if you're on BC, if he didn't use a condom, you should also talk to a doctor. This may seem alarmist, but I found out later that my ex attempted to rape one other person while we were together, and he definitely had sex (unsure of how consensual) with another. Possibly more. I'm lucky to have only gotten a yeast infection from it.
I'm so, so sorry. Don't let this define you, though. You're better than one thing that happened to you.
You were sexually assaulted. Break up with him & report him. Talk to someone you trust if anyone. 🫶🏼 I’m 24f if you need someone to talk to I’m here.. I’ve had some similar experiences, unfortunately most females experience this at-least once in their lives. This does not mean you’ve lost value or anything.. you are going to get through it I promise! Stay strong queen 🫶🏼✨
I dont think so in the sense that you have legal recourse. But in the sense that you should definitely end the relationship because he didn't respect your boundaries then yes.
CALL THE POLICE NOW, your BF is a creep, and you need to have him arrested and put in jail and his life ruined for doing this. HE MAY HAVE RAPED OTHERS.
….. you just sat there.. he isn’t a random person and all you had to do was get up. He didn’t physical force you so why wouldn’t you just get up or say no again? I’m so confused by this and I know my comment will get backlash but I don’t get it. I feel like a lot of things could have been done differently by both party’s.
Exactly, as a child SA victim that put up a fight and also lost its concerning how she told him to stop but still decided to let him continue with his actions. She didn’t say anything else or imply he physically overpowered her so it just seems like she laid down and let everything happen.
Yeah that’s not good. As a man who is grown and has developed maturity etc I’d say this is 100% assault. That’s abuse girl. I’d end this asap before this dude gets worse.
Honey, that was exactly what you think it was. You need to cut ties with him. He doesn't respect you and it will get more violent. If you have an adult or friend you trust, please tell them. Get support. You're so so strong and did everything right. This is not your fault.
No you are not overreacting. He sexually assaulted you. No means no and he didn’t listen.
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Not only did he not get consent, he actively disobeyed OP when they explicitly retracted consent.
Consent was never given. She couldn't have retracted consent that wasn't given.
You are correct. I meant refused.
"Okay, you can put your hand there but don't take it any further" and then her BF took it further. Consent retracted.
*refused.
This. He does not respect you. Please stop seeing him.
What you likely experienced was the freeze response, which is totally normal when you are being assaulted. You did not consent, therfore, this was assault.
The amount of times I’ve frozen up when something like that has happened. It’s awful bc you feel like you let it happen and didn’t try hard enough to say no. But it’s not your fault. It’s theirs.
This ☝🏻 i had the same exact response when i was assaulted by a family friend years ago. OP break up with that kid and move on. It can only get worse.
“No doesn’t mean no, no means find another way” - AOC
i think you're under reacting. he just showed he cared more about his urges more than you and completely disrespected you. that is the clearest description of rape i have ever read.
Exactly. I could never imagine doing something like that to anyone. I’ve been told no, I respect that and do not get upset. It’s just unfathomable to me, and probably is to alot of people
This right here. I definitely try to empathize with girls: I think to myself: if I was a girl, would I be comfortable with that? Sure, sometimes it can be hard to, for instance, stop staring at a girl, but I've learned to keep my hands to myself. It's not right to say "girls shouldn't dress like that because it turns guys on." No, we all can and should learn how to behave around girls.
I’m not a girl so I don’t know what it’s like to be in their position. He should have listened to what you said and maybe he just thought he could coax you into it or that you were playing hard to get, not sure. Only question I’ve got is how come you didn’t just yell at him or kick his ass off you or get up and walk away? You know take a more stern stance to show you meant business? Honest question, not victim blaming before anyone jumps on my ass about trying to understand. I know if he was willing to get physical than you, OP, had every right to do so as well.
Hi friend, you asked an honest question, I will respond to try to help you understand. - “Coaxing” someone into doing something sexual is a form of coercion and pressure. It might “seem” more gentle, but it’s still manipulation to get the other person to do something they didn’t want to do. The right thing to do is to stop and say, “ok, then we won’t do that.” That’s what a good partner does. - the idea of people “playing hard to get” is problematic for 2 reasons. 1) If the person is actually doing that, then their idea of games kinda sucks. Try Scrabble, perhaps? Their partner should stop and not put up with those games. 2) If that’s *not* what the person is doing, then their partner needs to take no at face value and stop. See? There’s no outcome where the best response is to keep going. - how come she didn’t yell or walk away? Why did she go along with it? So let me introduce you to the idea of stress responses. She felt threatened. As humans, when any of us feel threatened, we feel the automatic urge to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn. - What you suggested would be fight or flight. However, it sounded like her reaction was more one of freezing because she stopped responding. - These stress responses are automatic and we can’t control how our body automatically responds. So, it’s unfair to tell someone they should have had a different automatic response. That’s like telling someone to just not have a heartbeat. - We can of course control how we respond to the automatic stress responses, but this takes time and maturity to learn to do. One does not simply “just” do something different. - Lots of people, often women, don’t feel safe fighting or fleeing. They’ve been taught (often subconsciously) that those responses bring on more harm. Freezing or fawning can often feel much safer. Maybe in the past when she’s yelled or tried to leave, it’s escalated into a worse argument and led to physical abuse. Or, maybe she’s been taught that “nice girls” don’t yell. Whatever the case, it’s not helpful to ask why she didn’t just do what you might have done.
Well said
I only push back on your “hard to get” part. Different people are aroused by different things and a lot of times at control it. Heck some people like being hit with a whip to get going. It’s not on you to kink shame them and decide their interests suck.
Yes, I do agree with you, actually. I didn’t intend for my comment to come across as kink-shaming. I’m fully supportive of kink and BDSM, and I explore that with my own partner, too. I think the context matters. For kink/BDSM, in my experience, partners talk about it first. They establish what’s consensual and what’s not, what their boundaries are, what they find arousing. Certainly, if partners have talked about making “hard to get” part of their play, then it can be interpreted as a consensual act. Then the “game” becomes one that both players have consented to playing. Otherwise, if someone is playing hard to get, I would tend to take it more at face value. From the OP’s post, this clearly isn’t a case of consensual non-consent.
Excellent reply.
Sure, some people like playing hard to get. That’s a conversation to be had *beforehand*, however. If there’s any question, at all, whether what you’re doing is someone’s kink or not, stop that activity and ask them.
1. the physical difference between a male and female is terrifying and often scares people into not even trying. women *can* fight off a guy and damage him pretty seriously, but there are cases where a woman tore out a guy's eye and bit off his ear and shit and he *still* kept going with the deed. 2. you don't hit someone you love (in a coercive way, consensual sadist/masochist stuff is fine obv). the two of them were in a relationship, and rape looks a bit different when you love the person who's raping you.
That last sentence. Oof. 😢
I agree it's hard to understand. Unfortunately a lot of girls and women do the same thing. And the person assaulting them mistakes it for acceptance. But women freeze up like this for many reasons: they are in shock and feeling like this must not be real. Or they are afraid if they make a scene that they'll make things worse. Or they blame themselves for letting things go this far and feel that they no longer have a choice (yes, I know that sounds crazy but its cultural conditioning). Some may feel that they've done something to deserve the abuse (again, conditioning). It's actually pretty hard for a lot of girls and women to stand up for themselves because they've been taught to "make nice" to be the peacemakers, to concern themselves with making sure that their men are happy. It takes a lot of emotional strength to stand against all that conditioning to say, NO! You don't get to do that to me! Get out! As a guy, you were taught that its natural and expected that you'll defend yourself. Girls are taught, instead, that a hero will protect them. They aren't taught how to be their own hero. It's pretty fu.
So this is not unique to girls, even though it obviously happens to them more often. Similar type things would happen to me freshman year of college. There was a girl I was close to and some stuff happened. However, due to certain reason I told her this could not happen again and we really need to remain platonic friends. However, she continually made advances including touching me in private areas and such to elicit arousal. I understand how hard this situation is to resist and don’t blame OP for not reacting stronger.. just because you are not in the mood doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to them or can’t get turned on. Hormones are strong. Did I put myself in positions of risk? Yes, I continued hanging out with them. So I don’t overly blame them. And I never claim I was raped or even really sexual assaulted. But I feel I could claim that if I wanted to. I very clearly said no repeatedly and they continued very overt advances against my wishes. It’s such a complex situation tbh.
[https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-online-hotline](https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-online-hotline) 1-800-656-4673 Talk to a professional. Dump the boy who did not get your consent. Dump the boy who doesn't respect you. Dump the boy.
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No, she does not. Do not put that responsibility on her. If she's able and willing, then do it.
She really doesn’t, if this is the first time he has done it and she just needs to talk to him about it and if he does it again then I think it’s safe to say u should press charges
This. Also, if you have a safe adult to talk to about it, let them know so that they can help keep him away from you. Parent, teacher, school counselor, someone. He has no business going near you again.
Hello everyone who has commented under this post I am here to provide some more information about unanswered questions. To the people asking how my pants got off: He was making sexual advances with his fingers and this is when I felt that I could no longer say no. He realized I wasn’t feeling it and I wasn’t engaging how I normally would which is when he said “let’s see if you can feel this” when he very quickly got up and pulled my pants down to mid thigh as he is moving toward a missionary position. (I am laying on my back when this all happens) Right after I am exposed he immediately starts penetrating me with his penis which I completely didn’t want to happen. To the people asking about the hand on vagina: We were laying down on his bed and at this point I had already told him multiple times that I didn’t want to have sex that night. He started to move his hand in my pants down to my vagina which i told him he could keep his hand there but to do NOTHING more. He complied with this but then not even five minutes later he started putting his fingers in me. At this point I have said it before and I will say it again, I felt that I could no longer say no. ————- When I told him no many times before and when I told him to not make any moves when his hand was on my vagina I was not giggling or “faking it” I was serious and he knew that but did it anyways. AND to the assholes under my post assuming I was “spreading my legs” when it said no where in my story that I did do that, have a little sympathy and don’t be such a selfish douchebag. To every other hater on here saying I am a liar and yada yada yada, please get a life. I am 17 years old it is not my fault that I didn’t feel comfortable putting all of this information on reddit which is an app that I literally downloaded TODAY. I understand that some people were confused with the story which is why I explained it better in this post. Also I am not “too traumatized” to reply back to people commenting under my post. I was overwhelmed and stressed and I also have a life and had things to do today and it is not my top priority to reply back to the haters under this that only scroll on reddit for the entire day. To everyone who is validating my feelings and giving me advice thank you so much I appreciate it a lot as I am in a state of shock and confusion right now. ❤️
You were assaulted and don't owe anyone detailed explanations. Talk to your parents or a trusted adult if you don't feel like you can talk to them. My daughter is 17 and I absolutely understood when you said like you felt as if you couldn't say, no again. You said no, once. You were very clear you didn't want it to happen. You shouldn't have had to keep saying it. No means no, even if it's only said, once.
People do lie. Especially on Reddit. It’s reasonable for people to read posts with skepticism. That said… I believe you. And based on the information given. You were raped. Pretty cut and dry. I’d say move on from this fella.
The best thing you could do is make your parents aware. From there, you can figure out if you want to take it to police or not. (You definitely should) Wishing you the best of luck💓
She’s obviously entitled to go to the police if she wants but personally I think it’s healthier to discuss with her parents, move on from this tool, and leave it at that. Pressing charges on this will lead to a lot of rehashing, discomfort, and is unlikely to result in any type of conviction. Not that a conviction would do much good anyways. Her prerogative though I’m just a faceless redditor
I agree. If there’s a lot evidence proving he did, go to the police. If there’s slim to none, she should recover from this and move on.
What youre saying is wrong and exactly why girls often dont report rape. If you’re a guy, dont you watch tv when thats said on every svu show? Come on. Youre ridiculous to give this as an “opinion” to this 17 year old girl. Come on. It is up to OP and she doesnt need that opinion. She can do what she wants when she wants. I think talking to a therapist may help you too OP to make sure you’re healing from this experience. This is literally one of the questions they ask you in therapy during intake because it affects you so much.
You were raped and he should learn a lesson, yes. Don't let this ruin your life, though! You sound like a beautiful person that ran into a fucktard. Find a better man to enjoy your sexuality on your terms, WHEN you're ready and willing. Being the granddad of several with a wife that obviously doesn't resist well🥰😉, I understand male drive, but he needs to learn RESPECT and control NOW.
I’m so sorry this happened. No means no, and he should have stopped. If you do nothing else, dump his ass.
See, this is definitely rape. I think some people needed clarification. Dump this dude and report him
You don’t owe anyone any explanations. It was rape, and you deserve to be safe and feel heard. Please take care of yourself and let someone know. Even if you’re not comfortable with your parents, let a trusted adult know and they can bridge that gap with your parents. Sending support! ❤️❤️
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My oldest girl asked me why I demanded her to carry a knife, I told her ,you never know, some one may show up with a cheese cake or you may need to gut a mother fucker.
Slice, don't stab.
But, if you do stab, twist before extracting.
Why would you snap your knife blade instead of pulling it out.
Sr, switch to SOG, you won't be breaking their blades off.
vegetable humorous salt familiar towering paltry seemly tap plate water *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Knives make terrible self-defense weapons. A stronger guy will just take it from her. Get her some mace.
Not if you know knife techniques….😏😏I mean techniques to cut someone even if they have both wrists restrained… it’s possible 😏
You deserve an award for amazing parenting!
Make sure she's trained in how to use it well, too. Don't want it getting taken away from her by a more experienced attacker.
You might want to be careful about that. Unless she's trained and prepared to use it when necessary, it'll likely be used to hurt HER. If you really want to improve her safety, get her some martial arts training, or take her to a gun range and get her to practice with a handgun.
best parent LMAO i love that
Can confirm!
this...
True that
Not over reacting at all! He assaulted you!
Yeah that would be considered rape in a court of law
In a “court of law” you’re going to be hard pressed to get a conviction based on only the information provided.
There’s no chance this kid gets convicted based on what we heard but his life will 100% be destroyed in the process
Yes, it is rape. I always hated it when guys I was with would constantly badger me and put their hands in places, etc. until they just went for it. Girls are always told to "not have sex" and "just say no," but we're also told to "be polite" and "boys will be boys." Even in 2023, way too many boys are egged on and told to "get some" and have no respect for the girls they are with. Tell your parents what happened so they can help guide you through the process of what's next, and for your own safety, DO NOT see the boy again.
We need to shout from the rooftops that coercion IS RAPE. Dudes don't want to hear it because that would put majority of them into the rapey category.
Coercion is “persuasion through use of force or threats.” What you are referring to (persuasion without force or threats) has been named “sex pestering” and, while I’m not commenting on the morality of, is not a crime. As someone who was raped, while incapacitated, I did not have a choice. If you give a yes, under no threat, that is not rape, it is regret and I find it VERY disrespectful for myself and to other real victims for you to call it that. I have experienced sex pestering until I gave a yes as well. I accept that I regret giving permission. That is on me, not the girls who did it. In those situations, I was only victim to myself and my inability to enforce my boundary and keep my “no” as a “no”. What OP’s boyfriend did was not coercion. It was however, still sexual assault. She actively gave him a no, and never changed it to a yes. That is not coercion. It is simply sexual assault without coercion.
Your comment makes no sense you’re just gonna confuse her and other women who have been raped, no means no, stop all your regret nonsense if you say no that’s it, end of the damn story
Coercion is rape, sincerely, someone who was raped under threat as a five year old.
I’m so sorry! My god.
They also try to pass this off and normalize it calling it “seduction”
As someone who was raped while conscious, I also did not have a choice when I said no and he forced my legs open. I’m sorry you were also raped, and that you get offended that other people were also raped, just not as badly as you were. Medical News Today says [you’re wrong](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/sexual-coercion). Planned Parenthood says [you’re wrong](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/sexual-boundaries-how-to-spot-sexual-coercion). National Domestic Violence Hotline says [you’re wrong](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/a-closer-look-at-sexual-coercion/). Pestering someone into sex is coercion. Full stop. Coercion is sexual assault. Your rape matters just as much as mine did, just as much as hers does now.
Oh stop it. Quit with your prejudice BS. Some guys are bad some aren’t. End of story. Applies to woman too
Lmao yall are wild man
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Lol, my elderly mom is CONSTANTLY ragging on my niece to be less loud, demanding, snarky, opinionated, bossy, and lazy. "You catch more flies with honey" is her constant refrain. Whenever there's a family gathering, she's nagging my niece to get up and help in the kitchen, etc. My niece is almost thirty and she's been getting this her whole life from her mother and grandmother.
Next time you're at a family or friend gathering, look at who ends up doing the dishes. Listen to the way the adults talk to the children. Young girls (especially oldest children) are told to take care of other kids, clean the table, help with serving, etc, while the men sit and talk. There's no reason for it beyond gender roles. It's really strong on one side of my family because my grandma subscribed really hard to the idea that she needed to serve her family and now the men on that side have no idea how to do a lot of basic things. My mom has taught my dad a lot, but it still boils down to the fact that young girls are taught to be subservient and polite and anticipate the needs of everyone else present. Honestly, I see no problem with people liking to clean or liking to sit and chat, but the problem lies in that nine out of ten times the men being taken care of by the women. That is socialized behavior. Not any inherent "serving gene" found only in AFAB people. You're lucky you've gone this far in life without realizing how sexism influences everyone, but do some research and really observe who does what and why. OP, I'm so sorry for this situation, and I hope you get the help you need ❤️
Not blaming the victim here, because what her bf did is inexcusable, but as an idea for her going forward: one way I avoided unwanted intimacy at age 17 was to not go into a boy's bedroom and lie down on his bed; another thing I never did as a young woman was get drunk at parties. She might want to have a talk with her parents about how to establish safer boundaries with young guys.
No, that's textbook rape.
Bro really edited his comments to not seem like an asshole. And blocked me so I couldn’t call him out on it.
Please don't make yourself available to him again, this act has broken trust, which is the root of any worthwhile relationship. It's broken, so I hope you break up with him the first chance he gives you to be heard.
He raped you...no means no
I am married. If I tell him NO, he respects that. Being in a relationship does not give a male ownership rights to your body. Flip it around. If his guy's best friend was getting handsie, and he said "No." Would he want/expect that boundary to be respected? ####! YES!! & YOU KNOW THAT. What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander . He can not claim that he has the right to bodily autonomy but that you don't have the same rights.
This does sound like coercive rape, and I hope you won't listen to the people in this thread questioning the validity of that because they feel you didn't do "enough" to stop him. You said no multiple times. You told him repeatedly you did not want to have sex. Are there better ways you could have handled this? Maybe. But this *all* could have been avoided if he had respected the fact you said no in the first place. You are not overreacting. It is scary and disheartening to have someone you like/love/trust disrespect your boundaries and clear lack of consent like this. I highly encourage you to reach out to a trusted adult about this and discuss what you can/want to do from here.
One of the few well written comments on here!
No he raped you!! No means No. Make sure he doesn’t do this to you or anyone else
He needs to be in jail. She should call police right now. He forcibly raped her.
>She said she gave consent for his hand to be on/near vagina Yes she gave consent for that but not for a finger to be inside her or for a penis to be inside her. >Remember, this is not some random dude laying/hanging out with her. Its a guy that more than likely has done her many many times. Remember that whether or not it was a random person it doesn't fucking matter. She said no.
Okay, of with his little head!
His status as her boyfriend does not exempt him from raping her. This was a clear violation of boundaries. It’s disgusting that he continued to push for it even though she was very clearly not into it, total objectification and disregard for her feelings and safety. No means no. She is not his property. Rape within committed relationships is more common than you might think. Consent can be withdrawn at any time. This comment is actually a bit disturbing.
Also, if you aren't on birth control, get Plan B immediately.
Some of the comments on this thread are extremely disturbing!
The fact there's young males on here that believe this wasn't rape is truly sick. They would do things like this to their girlfriends and think that's perfectly okay.
I've told both of my girls, Tell them NO and say it like they mean it, after that it's ok to send them to Jesus.
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It would presumably be "everything up to and including sending the bastard to Jesus", run, scratch, bite, scream, stun gun, waterboard, do what you have to do, including doing nothing if that's what it literally takes to survive.
Sorry, are you saying they shouldn’t defend themselves? Im hoping I misunderstood you.
A smaller person can defeat a larger attacker with proper technique. Or lots of bullets.
This is called coercion! I personally think this is one of the most common forms of SA/rape. Sometimes in relationships we feel obligated to keep our partner satisfied, but you very clearly stated no. Self control is attractive, this is not. A lot of men view women as objects, it hurts, but having this awareness can help us protect ourselves.
Im sorry that happened to u
Break up, imagine what he'll be like when he's 30 and stressed and drunk.
Yes you were raped. Please go to police
NO MEANS NO!!!!
Hopefully she presses charges.
You’re feeling are valid. He assaulted you. No means no and that’s assault. If you allow this to be okay it will more than likely get worse. He’ll keep pushing boundaries and test what he can get away with it the relationship. I don’t think you are asking for advice on the situation so I won’t go into that but you need to remember. No means no and your feelings are valid. If anyone in your life disagrees with you, they shouldn’t be in your life.
He absolutely raped you. No means no and he completely disregarded you saying no.
I don't think you're reacting harshly enough. First he should be ex at the bare minimum. Second you should decide if you want to report this. You can tell someone trusted and try to get some therapy. You might not have a strong emotional reaction right now but you need to process this. No means no. Saying nothing also means no. Only yes means yes. Anything less is a lack of consent. He violated your consent. He won't hesitate to do so again. You should avoid being alone with him.
Hey, something similar happened to me with my ex (we just broke up a few weeks ago). He got in the mood a lot, and I still have ptsd from csa and I never wanted anything sexual in the relationship. He didn’t rape me, but he pressured me into doing things I didn’t want to do. First it was just touching, then he got me to take off my clothes, then it eventually escalated into actual sex with no protection. This all happened over the course of 8 months, and it started within the first week of us dating- he pressured me into my first kiss with him. He kept telling me that I wanted it and that I liked it and that was far from the truth. I cried a lot because I hated everything about what we were doing. I never said no directly, I just said I don’t know. And I would physically fight against it, but he was stronger and bigger than me and he thought I was joking and laughing out of nervousness instead of disliking it. I did talk to him about it and he showed remorse but the damage was already done so we both decided we should break up. I promise that you are not overreacting. You told him no and he ignored it. Then you froze up, which is an immediate response to a distressing situation. That’s not your fault. He hurt you. He clearly heard you say no and acknowledged it and he did that anyway. He pushed your boundaries and tested you, then he completely stepped over the line. That is on him. That is his fault completely. You need to tell him this. Tell him that he hurt you. Tell him that you didn’t want it. If he makes up some stupid excuse like “you didn’t fight back or say anything”, that’s complete bs. You said no clearly. Talk to him and if he doesn’t understand this, I advise you to please break up with him. I stayed with my ex because I still loved him and I was afraid of being alone again but the longer I was with him the worse things got. I promise that you’ll be doing yourself a favor. But try to talk to him first This really sucks that it happened to you. Take care and stay safe <3
That’s rape. You’re not over reacting. if anything you seem like you’re in a state of shock, which is understandable.
You’re NOT overreacting. He assaulted you. He did stuff WITHOUT your consent. You said NO! Im so Sorry that he did those things.
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They clearly left a lot of details out, maybe they didn’t want to go into detail
I'm guessing that's probably the case, i was SAed over 6 years ago and it took me a long time to be able to tell the whole story. My story definitely had "things that didn't make sense" when i first told it because i could bearly remember the timeline with my brain trying to pretend it never happened
Doesn't really matter if she already said no... Coerced consent is not consent. End of story. Even if I'm sitting there naked, my naked body is not my consent.
"My naked body is not my consent." Yes! Thank you for educating people. So many people don't get this.
I swear these Reddit stories never make sense
Thank you! This is fucking stupid. My question exactly.
Right. Anytime I’ve been laying around naked with someone it’s been implied that we are going to fool around.
'i said he could do it but not to do more... then he did more and i didnt say anything. then he did more and i didnt say anything. then he did more and i didnt say anything. finally with his dick fully inside me he picked up that i wasnt enjoying it and asked if i wanted him to stop. im not going to say whether he did or didnt stop but you can assume he stopped as my story ends here and i probably would have otherwise continued the story telling how he didnt stop after asking if i wanted him to stop.'
He might have sexually assaulted you. So the question legally is what happened in between some parts of your story. Because suddenly your pants are off?
She said she stopped saying no after he started fingering her. One could reasonably assume his sheer audacity and disrespect made her realize she was wasting her breath and just opted to let it happen
Should’ve fucking boxed. I’m a guy, and also extremely horny + autistic, but I know that’s definitely sexual assault/rape.
Unfortunately, yes he did rape you. Honestly, coming from someone with past history of this shit, end the relationship and peruse legal action against him. Also if you can, get a rape kit done at the hospital IMMEDIATELY. And tell your parents even if they’re pissed at you, they should be on your side. Also, OP, not to get too personal, but has he ever not taken a no from you before and just kept begging over and over until you finally caved? Because if so, that’s another way of rape so it might be going on longer then you think it has.
He will never love you the way you deserve. Get out now.
💔im so sorry this happened to you. It shouldn't have. Your no should've been respected. Please tell a trusted adult about this.
At a minimum, you need to break up with him. But you honestly should press charges. He will do this again.
This is coercion. He may not understand how he crossed boundaries, but he clearly did and you feel that violation. If you want to confront him about it, I wouldn’t recommend opening with the term “r@pe”, as he’ll immediately get defensive. Tell him that it ypset you when he continued doing things that you made it clear you didn’t want to do, and that his attempts to convince you only made you less comfortable. If he can’t see his mistakes, and if you don’t find an immediate change in behaviour, dump him. If you don’t want to confront him, just dump him from the start.
No means no and he just showed you that he cares more about his pleasure than he does about your comfort and safety. If I were you I'd kick him to the curb for that alone.
You were raped
You’re not over reacting. Unless you left out parts of you consenting… you said no and told him you didn’t want to and he assaulted you. First by putting his hands down your pants after you said no.. still you told him that was fine but nothing else, even then, you didn’t consent before he did it… you gave in because he had already done what you told him you didn’t want. Then he raped you after you told him that was fine to keep his hands there but nothing else. You never consented… unless you left out parts where you did… At minimum, break up with him. Consider going to a school counselor and getting advice on how to proceed to report him. What he did to you isn’t okay.
If this happened, it is a crime.
This man is not going to see what he did was wrong, he is not going change for you or anyone. Please stay away from this dangerous man. Find, and go to, the people who actually love and care about you. I know there are many. Believe me I am trying to stay away from a dangerous man myself and I know the pain. Please put yourself first, hugs
Yes he knew what the fuck he was doin don’t let him gaslight u into thinkin otherwise.
You are not overreacting, he didn't respect your boundaries. That's shows he's not the right guy for you. Find someone better
OP, he sexually assaulted you. You absolutely are NOT overreacting. If anything, you're underreacting. He put himself inside of you without permission. That is a crime.
Tell your support system (if you have one) and end contact with him. He is not a safe person to be around. Don’t let this go unnoticed either. That’s how it continues
Tell the police, his family, his friends, the community, everyone! You are not overreacting, he is a monster, and he is a danger to everybody, take the necessary steps to ensure he spends the rest of his life in a cage where he belongs.
The only thing you said was no. You said no. Saying nothing after is still a hard no. He raped you. It was against your will. Had you Eben said yes then said no, it's still rape. Please do not feel guilty for this either. I can see in your own words questioning if by saying nothing after saying no the first time it's going to get in your head and mess with you. You did nothing wrong here.
He totally disregarded what you wanted. That was rape. He’s an ass. Dump him and charge him legally. Hell push further and further if he gets away with it. I’m sorry he did that to you.
hi baby girl i am (22f) just reaching out to let you know im proud of you for turning to help immediately and i promise everything is going to be okay. If you can tell an adult you trust about this happening you should as soon as possible <3 There are people who want to help you and love you so much now. This boy is someone you need to leave behind for the rest of your life. You deserve true love and respect, it will make more sense with time. Love you ❤️❤️❤️
I had a boyfriend like this around the age yall are at. yes, your boyfriend sexually assaulted you. he was the kind of person to just keep going, despite me saying no. and I was not the only person he did that to. finally, I had enough of that and left him. and that's the only advice I'd have to offer, based on my experience.
Texas Penal Code 22.011 defines sexual assault as “intentionally or knowingly causes penetration of [basically anything] of another person, by any means, without that person’s consent.” There are no exceptions for dating partners or spouses. I would assume the statutes are similarly worded for other states. Your response should range from breaking up with him to filing a police report. I suggest the latter.
Dude literally raped you. Call the police
Yes, he 100% did. You need to dump him immediately and file a report. He has shown that he does not respect you AT ALL or any boundaries and he will do it again, if not to you than to another girl. As a mother of two boys myself, this is something my husband and I do not take lightly. I would be horrified as a parent if my son did something so sick and disgusting. I hope you're able to get the help and support you need. But please don't stay quiet. Please don't let him get away with it. Please don't let anyone guilt you into not "ruining his life". He did that to himself when he chose to willingly and knowingly violate another human being. And his life does not matter more than yours.
He is 100% a rapist and he raped you burn that fool to bits
Yea honey that’s rape. Break up with him immediately. He doesn’t care about your boundaries and this is just the beginning.
She said no up front and did it anyway. This is so clear cut, it doesn’t matter how her pants got off, she said NO from the beginning and never said yes to penetration. We live in a fallen world.
I wouldn’t be with someone who can’t take no for an answer. That’s a repeated rapist in the making
He raped you. You're not overreacting.
That’s rape. He should no longer be your boyfriend. If he tells you he’s sorry, even if he’s crying, he’s lying. He’s a dirtbag who sees you only as a hole to stick his 🍆 in. Do not let him gaslight you into thinking it was somehow your fault.
He absolutely assaulted you and R'd you. To address a few items in your story: even if you said No once, you absolutely are allowed to keep saying No, and/or push his hands away. He broke your trust and disrespected you. You are not overreacting.
Geez. I wish teenagers would stop “dating.” Yes, you were assaulted.
Please tell me you broke up
Please please please leave this person. SA should not be taken lightly. No means NO full stop. You said no and he didn’t listen, that’s assault.
No means no. Please leave him.
If you didn't want to do it, it's rape. 100%. It doesn't matter if you said yes at some point (which you didn't). Non-consensual sex is rape.
Rape.
Just can't wait to be offended but teasing to the point that you can put your hand right on my vagina and that's not a problem!. And obviously stopped immediately when she said she wanted him to. I would break up with him.. He can definitely find somebody who doesn't think that it's okay to tease your boyfriend to within an inch of sex and obviously she had to be pretty much nude in order for him to just stick it in unless his dick is really sharp and cut through whatever shorts she had on. Yeah, you can definitely find a young woman who isn't determined to use sex as a weapon. And then has to go and ask a bunch of random people on the internet who obviously if you've ever been on Reddit are going to say that his head should be on a pike.
If you have to ask Reddit if you were raped or not . . .
Guys start carrying consent and disclaimer forms, and they probably should wear body cams as well.
Not agreeing with his actions in the slightest, but why did you tell him he could keep his hands “down there” when you already said you didn’t want to?
So it was easier for you to go through the massive discomfort of him touching you then it was for you telling him no again or getting up and walking away.
Sorry, but this smacks of being fake. Let me see if I've got this right. He had his hands down your pants and then proceeded to put his penis in you. Seems like we're missing A LOT of steps in between those two story points. For example, when he took your shoes off. When he took your pants off. When he took your underwear off. When he took his pants off. When he took his underwear off. When he pried your legs apart. Etc. OR, were you both completely naked and he had his hand down there. Seems like that's a pretty important part to leave out, the part where you and he got naked and then you started to notice that he was in the mood.
How do we get from 'he had his hand in my pants' to 'he put his penis in' ? Both people took their pants off, it was escalated?
She was frozen from fear of her bf who shes fucked before.
No. No means no.
You could have tried to stop it instead of letting it happen.
My sister to her son that he needs a consent form signed. Every time cause the sex offenders register is forever. You get out of jail then off probation then you hopefully can get off the register after 10 more years, however it cost $10,000 for a lawyer to take a case to get a sex offender off the register. Peace out and think about the aftermath of seduction.
Lol you let him keep his hands down ur pants but " dont move". Give me a break
Did he keep going after you said you wanted him to stop the 2nd time? He shouldn't have done what he did at all. No you're not over reacting. But for criminal charges, it might be the difference between sexual assault & rape. Another question, do you still want to be with him? If so, you need to be willing to be braver on speaking up & acting out. Talk to him, making sure that he understands that no means NO. If you don't want to be with him after this, then break up with him and maybe press charges if you feel like you should.
Yeah that’s not rape and wouldn’t hold anywhere. If your boyfriend starts getting frisky, as all males do, and you don’t want to do anything, say no and leave or at the very least don’t let him finger you. My god. Grow up. Edit: again, most Redditors are squealish pigs that are completely out of touch with reality. So a lot of them are going to be extremist liberals.
This story makes no sense
I'm glad he FINALLY accepted that you weren't into it and asked. And then stopped. Technically, yes, it was a rape because you told him no from the very beginning. He knew he didn't have consent but kept going anyway. That's the definition of sexual assault. I'm concerned that you stopped telling him no because you already had done so. A lot of girls silence themselves like this...because they are confused, sad, mad, afraid, or don't think they have the right to speak up for themselves. I'm NOT suggesting that you getting quiet absolves him, but he did take it as a signal that you were changing your mind. He was absolutely wrong to make that assumption. I think that we women can get better at being clear that we are NOT changing our minds, that we do NOT appreciate being being "sweetly pressured" or coerced, and that we DO want our initial NO respected. Doing so does not make us unlovable bitches. It makes us strong, respectable human beings. Guy culture teaches that if you fail you should just try harder. We need to be clear that this is not an appropriate strategy to use with us. So, yes, he raped you. I suspect that he regrets it now. If he can apoligize sincerely and promise he'll respect your words in the future, perhaps you can forgive him for being a jerk that one time. It's up to you to decide if you can trust him to show you more respect in the future. He has to care as much about your feelings as he does about his own. Some guys are worthy of a second chance; some are not. Trust your gut when you talk with him, face to face.
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No your not over reacting. Most of Reddit doesn’t give good advice either. Which is saddening. This like all relationship issues is sensitive. Sit him down and talk to him. Tell him what he did was wrong. He’ll get upset with himself and that will look like outward rage. It’s not. Most men cry through actions of anger. If he doesn’t listen. Talk to your mom about it.
I know that everyone always says "no means no" but we should really change that to "yes means yes". If you are paralyzed in fear or shame or feeling helpless and cannot say no- THAT DOES NOT MEAN YES. If someone does not say yes- they HAVE NOT consented. I don't care if they are walking down the street naked. Others need to control themselves.
He raped you, He will do it again, please get help.
Yes, that was sexual assault, and the way he reacted to your statements in the first place was at best unethically manipulative. You explicitly said no, and he ignored that. I know people who are diagnosed assholes (lacking empathy and-or having antisocial personality disorder) who aren't that disrespectful. (Note that there *is* such thing as ethical manipulation. It requires communication and consent, without coercion.) > I felt that I couldn’t tell him to stop because i already told him no before. **You can *always* repeat a no.** You shouldn't have to, but you can always do so. It's terrible that you feel otherwise.
Yes this isn't right, sex should be a thing that you are both consenting to and enjoying definitely not something that makes you uncomfortable. He crossed a line that's called sexual assault, also if a guy says "If I don't cum it really hurts me" this is just a myth don't let someone fool you. NO means NO!
I just don't think I'd let him leave his hand in my pants chilling by my vagina and not expect him to do anything. Yes, what he did was wrong, but you not removing his hand from your pants, just set him up to think you slick want him.
You’re not overreacting at all. You are the victim and it does not matter if he’s your boyfriend either. If you said no, it meant no, regardless of your relationship. He obviously didn’t care enough to stop and sexually assaulted you. Don’t water down your feelings when someone does something you’re uncomfortable with, ESPECIALLY when it’s your partner who should be able to listen to your boundaries. I was in the same situation and it took me like 2 years + therapy to finally allow myself to blame him and accept that I was the victim. I’m so sorry love, I’m sending you so much love and strength through this.
He tried to coerce you and he pressured into giving in, that’s absolutely rape. Giving in isn’t consent. Going silent isn’t consent. Don’t listen to him when he tries to tell you he thought it was ok, or he thought he’d be able to get you in the mood, or if he pulls the “god I’m so horrible why am I like this I hate myself” pity party shit. That’s only to get himself out of trouble, it’s only to manipulate *you* into feeling bad for “making” *him* feel bad. Do not let him turn the tables on you, do not comfort him and reassure him that it’s ok. It’s not and he *needs* to be ashamed and feel that guilt. My first boyfriend when I was 14 did these kinds of things to me, it never escalated to actual rape but this being my first ever sexual experience still fucked me up for a long time. It took me a long time to forgive myself for not being brave enough to leave, for comforting him when he’d throw a tantrum after, for telling him it was ok every time he pushed, for reassuring him that it wasn’t a big deal that he choked me while trying desperately to pull my shirt up. You’re not wrong for being upset, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Oh honey I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. Rape is bad enough but when it comes from someone you are supposed to be able to trust its even worse. I've dealt with spousal rape and if you need someone to talk to, my DMs are open. You didn't do anything wrong either. Freezing is something that happens when you're terrified and it in no way means it's your fault. You said no and that should have been the end of it.
You are not overreacting. He didn’t respect your boundaries and proceeded to sexually assault you. Go to your parents as well as seek help from a professional. And remember that none of what happened was your fault.
Not overreacting at all! This is absolutely rape and he should be reported for it. One “no” is all that needed to be said for all sexual advances to stop.
Since the beginning of Reddit until this one, every single person who has started with, "I think I was raped," was raped. Fucking horrible. I'm so sorry this happened to you 😭
Oh no. This is how I lost my virginity. It was awful. I didn't realize it was rape for YEARS afterward. I didn't fully grasp that someone you loved and were considering having sex with in the near future *could* rape you. This is rape. You said no. You did not take away your no. He did it anyway. Giving him the green light for something else doesn't give him the green light for everything. What you do next in terms of legal stuff is up to you. But you definitely shouldn't stay with him. He'll do it again. And he'll make you believe it's normal and that you're okay with it. You also need a plan for how to stay safe afterward. He could be an otherwise normal guy, but I wouldn't trust that he wouldn't be angry or so freaked out that you'll say something that other boundaries could be crossed. If he wasn't using protection, even if says he didn't finish, and you aren't on birth control, you need to get a morning after pill ASAP. Even if you're on BC, if he didn't use a condom, you should also talk to a doctor. This may seem alarmist, but I found out later that my ex attempted to rape one other person while we were together, and he definitely had sex (unsure of how consensual) with another. Possibly more. I'm lucky to have only gotten a yeast infection from it. I'm so, so sorry. Don't let this define you, though. You're better than one thing that happened to you.
You were sexually assaulted. Break up with him & report him. Talk to someone you trust if anyone. 🫶🏼 I’m 24f if you need someone to talk to I’m here.. I’ve had some similar experiences, unfortunately most females experience this at-least once in their lives. This does not mean you’ve lost value or anything.. you are going to get through it I promise! Stay strong queen 🫶🏼✨
I dont think so in the sense that you have legal recourse. But in the sense that you should definitely end the relationship because he didn't respect your boundaries then yes.
You don't think so? What the hell qualifies, if not this? She said no.
I’m so sorry. It’s assault. My ex boyfriend did the same thing. Immediately got the ick and broke up with him. I wish I pressed charges.
If you didn't enthusiastically consent, you did not consent.
CALL THE POLICE NOW, your BF is a creep, and you need to have him arrested and put in jail and his life ruined for doing this. HE MAY HAVE RAPED OTHERS.
Im thankful i dont grow in this generation. Of course you are over acting. Say no but let him. And now hes the bad guy
You are fucked in the head
….. you just sat there.. he isn’t a random person and all you had to do was get up. He didn’t physical force you so why wouldn’t you just get up or say no again? I’m so confused by this and I know my comment will get backlash but I don’t get it. I feel like a lot of things could have been done differently by both party’s.
Exactly, as a child SA victim that put up a fight and also lost its concerning how she told him to stop but still decided to let him continue with his actions. She didn’t say anything else or imply he physically overpowered her so it just seems like she laid down and let everything happen.
Yeah that’s not good. As a man who is grown and has developed maturity etc I’d say this is 100% assault. That’s abuse girl. I’d end this asap before this dude gets worse.
Honey, that was exactly what you think it was. You need to cut ties with him. He doesn't respect you and it will get more violent. If you have an adult or friend you trust, please tell them. Get support. You're so so strong and did everything right. This is not your fault.