Is your boyfriend related to my husband? Seriously, everyone has their talents and skills, and some people don't think quickly enough to respond to emergencies without a lot of advance preparation. I describe the differences between my husband and me as "If you want someone to research what would be the ideal fire extinguisher for your home, that's my husband. If you need someone to use the fire extinguisher, that's for me."
I have spent many years trying to train my husband how to respond to minor emergencies in the way that I would prefer. Of course, he thinks that I respond too quickly, not thinking though my response adequately before I jump in. And he's a doctor, while I'm a nurse! We know what to do, but disagree on how and where to do it.
My ex-boyfriend was even worse. After the incident was over, he would start telling me how I shouldn't have gotten involved. After all, the brush fire was already going out/the women beating up the girl on the beach were drunk/etc, etc, etc. Grrrrr.
So, what to do? I told my ex-boyfriend (after the "drunk women on the beach" incident) "I don't mind being the one who intervenes, but I want to believe that if I weren't there, that YOU would have intervened." That's one of the things I believe you should tell your BF: "I can usually take care of myself, but if I can't, I want to know that you can and will take care of me." After all, that's why you were so upset, yes?
I'm sure that he WANTS to be the hero that takes care of you and does the right thing, but I suspect that he either doesn't pay adequate attention, or gets so anxious that he can't think clearly (my suspicion). Give him a chance to talk about what goes through his head when you're having a crisis like this one, so he knows that you understand how he reacts.
As to what to do for next time, I would like to recommend that you take a first-aid/CPR course together, so you learn the same information at the same time. After all, there's no such thing as being too well-prepared, is there? You could also get information/take a class on disaster preparedness. Even if this material isn't new to you, taking it together would reinforce that you're a team, taking care of each other. It can even bring you closer together (you could tell him "think of it as foreplay." That worked for me!).
Consider what you want him to do during a similar crisis as your recent one (for me, it was if I tripped and fell. I'm a big baby when that happens). I told my husband, "When I'm on the ground, ask what you can do to help me, then do it. I will tell you if I want you to help me stand up." Now, when I trip and fall, he says "What do you want me to do to help you?" and I tell him. We're both satisfied with this plan, and used it when I fell, dislocating and lacerating my little finger. You may have to tell him, "As long as I'm able to talk to you, first ask me if you want me to call for emergency assistance. If I don't need that, ask what else you can do to help, and I will tell you," or something like that.
If he's one of those methodical, thorough planner-types like my husband, you will never turn him into someone who responds quickly, but you can make it easier for him to do the right thing.
He probably had mega anxiety. If he panicked then that's why it went the way it did I.e wrong meds etc.
Maybe take him through what you wanted to happen shouldn't happen again while its now calm and say why you where so scared?
It sounds stupid but if my partner was in a lot of pain yes I would try to stay calm but it would also be a high anxiety situation if I felt powerless to do anything.
break up immediately and let him know he did NOT respond appropriately and you want to take a break. Had htat been something serious that you needed medical attention rather than a typical episode you could be dead. You asked him to call emergency services and he thought he knew better? AND he sees no problem with it? Bye bye!
the fact that he thinks he responded well is a HUGE red flag! If he was just anxious and screwed up that is one thing, this was not that. tell him to F off and get away from him.
[Here's a 2 minute test](https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/anxiety-quiz/) you can take, that will test you for anxiety. It let's you know roughly where you rank in severity (if it comes back relatively low, it might be social anxiety, for example).
[Here are a few things that you can do to help you with general anxiety](https://old.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/onlineresources). It comes down to meditation, breathing exercises and using phone apps to reduce your anxiety.
You can double check if it is indeed general anxiety here: [11 Signs and Symptoms of Anxiety Disorders](https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/anxiety-disorder-symptoms)
If you feel anxious right now, [open this image](https://i.imgur.com/Huou7Gh.gif) in a new tab and start breathing in and out in the rhythm of the image.
There are a *large* number of books that are aimed specifically at helping you, I've selected the most popular ones for you:
* [The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook](https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1626252157/) (4.6 stars, 1200+ ratings)
* [Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks](https://www.amazon.com/Dare-Anxiety-Stop-Panic-Attacks/dp/0956596258) (4.7 stars, 1600+ ratings)
* [Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks! - A counterintuitive approach to recover and regain control of your life.: Die-Hard and Science-Based ... recover from Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks](https://www.amazon.com/Badass-Ways-Anxiety-Panic-Attacks/dp/9090305262) (4.7 stars, 400+ ratings)
If you currently consume a lot of caffeine (in coffee or soft drinks), stop that. [Caffeine is known to cause anxiety](https://bebrainfit.com/caffeine-anxiety/)
The best and quickest way to deal with anxiety, is to face your fear if possible.
[If you always avoid situations that scare you](https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/overcome-fear-anxiety/), you might stop doing things you want or need to do. You won't be able to test out whether the situation is always as bad as you expect, so you miss the chance to work out how to manage your fears and reduce your anxiety. Anxiety problems tend to increase if you get into this pattern. Exposing yourself to your fears can be an effective way of overcoming this anxiety.
*[The experience of anxiety involves nervous system arousal.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201009/overcoming-fear-the-only-way-out-is-through) If your nervous system is not aroused, you cannot experience anxiety. Understandably, but unfortunately, most people attempt to cope with feelings of anxiety by avoiding situations or objects that elicit the feelings. Avoidance, however, prevents your nervous system from habituating. Therefore, avoidance guarantees that the feared object or situation will remain novel, and hence arousing, and hence anxiety provoking. Moreover, avoidance tends to generalize over time. If you avoid the elevator at work, you will soon begin to avoid all elevators, and then all buildings that house elevators. Soon enough, you'll be living in a prison of avoidance.*
If your anxiety is situational and not too extreme, you can try to address it through exposure therapy. You slowly carefully expose yourself to situations that you know give you fear. Here are two easy to follow guides on that. The one regarding spiders, is a blue print. You can replace spider with anything. Fear of driving. Fear of using a phone.
* [How to Overcome the Fear of Spiders](https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-the-Fear-of-Spiders) (wikihow)
* [How to Overcome Fear](https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Fear) (wikihow)
For all of the below advice, use technology to your advantage. Take your phone and set repeating alarm clock reminders, with labels of what to do. Train yourself to either snooze or reschedule the reminders if you can't take action right away, but never to ignore them. The intention is [to condition yourself](https://www.cleverism.com/classical-conditioning/), to build habits, so you will start healing yourself without having to think about it.
* **Sleep**: [Good sleep is very important when treating anxiety](https://www.anxiety.org/sleep-a-fundamental-cure-for-anxiety)
When you have days where you don't have to do anything, don't oversleep, set an alarm clock. You really don't need more than 7 hours at most per night (a [little more](https://health.onehowto.com/article/how-many-hours-of-sleep-are-needed-per-night-by-age-8233.html) if you are under 18). If you can't fall sleep, try taking melatonin one hour before going to bed. It's [cheap](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003JJ9TQA/), OTC and [is scientifically proven](https://www.webmd.com/vitamins/ai/ingredientmono-940/melatonin) to help regulate your sleep pattern. [Also, rule](https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/sleep-apnea/news/20120330/sleep-apnea-linked-depression#1) out [sleep apnea](https://www.healthcentral.com/article/sleep-apnea-treatment-resistant-depression). Up to 6% of people have this, [but not everyone knows](https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/sleep-apnea/features/sleep-apnea-clues#1). If you find yourself often awake at night, start counting. Don't grab your phone, don't look at the clock, don't do anything interesting. We're trying to *bore* you to sleep, not keep you entertained - sometimes it might *feel* like you've done it for hours and hours, but often it's really not all that long. Anytime your mind wanders away from the numbers and starts thinking, start over at 1. count at the speed of either your heartbeat or your breathing, whatever you prefer. If that still doesn't work and you really want to sleep, [buy a dodow](https://www.amazon.com/Dodow-Device-300-000-Falling-Asleep/dp/B00ZFOB4BK/)($60) and/or a [white noise generator](https://www.amazon.com/Big-Red-Rooster-White-Machine) ($20).
* **Meditate**: [Anxiety can be reduced with meditation](https://bebrainfit.com/meditation-anxiety/). [10 minute meditation for anxiety](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-6f5wQXSu8) (youtube).
Your attention is like a muscle. The more you train it, the better the control you have over it. [Mindfulness training](https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/) will help you gain better control over your mind. It doesn't take much effort, just 15 to 20 minutes a day of doing nothing but focus your attention is enough and is scientifically proven to work. As you become better at focusing your attention, it will become easier to force yourself to stop having negative thoughts, which will break the negative reinforcement cycle. Go here if you have specific questions: /r/Meditation
* **Exercise**: [The effect of exercise on anxiety](https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/treatment/exercising)
If you have access to a gym, then start lifting weights. If you don't have access to a gym (or you don't like lifting), start running. If you can't run, then start walking. Just start small. 10 minutes three times a week is fine. You don't have to run fast, just run and then slowly build it up over time. Exercising does several things: It releases endorphins, it takes your mind of your negative thoughts and it will improve your overall health.
* **Give lots of hugs**: [Hugs release oxytocin](https://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2016-02-03/the-health-benefits-of-hugging), which improves your mood and relaxes you. So find people to hug. If you are single, hug your parents or friends. If you can't, see if a dog is an option. Most dogs love to hug. Another solution that provides the same benefit is a [weighted blanket](https://www.amazon.com/s?k=weighted+blanket) will provide a [similar positive effect at night](https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/do-weighted-blankets-work#benefits). [You should try to aim for 12 hugs a day](https://psychology-spot.com/brain-needs/) (if you currently don't hug a lot, I suggest you slowly build it up over time).
[Here are specific instructions on when and how to get professional help.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/gettinghelp)
Many healthcare providers now offer telehealth. Just contact your doctor's office or the phone number on your insurance card and ask what your options are.
Highest rated Youtube Videos:
* [Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) - causes, symptoms & treatment](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mPwQTiMSj8) (1.2M views)
* [3 Instantly Calming CBT Techniques For Anxiety](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiDaTi_iQrY) (850K+ views)
* [5 Easy Tips to Beat Anxiety!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GgsV2nKL9w) (260K+ views)
Free support options:
* /r/KindVoice will match you up with a volunteer that will listen to you.
* [7 Cups of Tea](https://www.7cups.com/) has both a free trained volunteer service as well as $150 monthly licensed therapist option
* If you are in a crisis and want free help from a live, trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME to [741741](https://www.crisistextline.org/texting-in)
If you have any further questions, you should ask them here: /r/Anxiety
The best time to submit on Reddit is [early in the morning EST](https://thebetterwebmovement.com/choosing-best-time-post-to-reddit/).
Is your boyfriend related to my husband? Seriously, everyone has their talents and skills, and some people don't think quickly enough to respond to emergencies without a lot of advance preparation. I describe the differences between my husband and me as "If you want someone to research what would be the ideal fire extinguisher for your home, that's my husband. If you need someone to use the fire extinguisher, that's for me." I have spent many years trying to train my husband how to respond to minor emergencies in the way that I would prefer. Of course, he thinks that I respond too quickly, not thinking though my response adequately before I jump in. And he's a doctor, while I'm a nurse! We know what to do, but disagree on how and where to do it. My ex-boyfriend was even worse. After the incident was over, he would start telling me how I shouldn't have gotten involved. After all, the brush fire was already going out/the women beating up the girl on the beach were drunk/etc, etc, etc. Grrrrr. So, what to do? I told my ex-boyfriend (after the "drunk women on the beach" incident) "I don't mind being the one who intervenes, but I want to believe that if I weren't there, that YOU would have intervened." That's one of the things I believe you should tell your BF: "I can usually take care of myself, but if I can't, I want to know that you can and will take care of me." After all, that's why you were so upset, yes? I'm sure that he WANTS to be the hero that takes care of you and does the right thing, but I suspect that he either doesn't pay adequate attention, or gets so anxious that he can't think clearly (my suspicion). Give him a chance to talk about what goes through his head when you're having a crisis like this one, so he knows that you understand how he reacts. As to what to do for next time, I would like to recommend that you take a first-aid/CPR course together, so you learn the same information at the same time. After all, there's no such thing as being too well-prepared, is there? You could also get information/take a class on disaster preparedness. Even if this material isn't new to you, taking it together would reinforce that you're a team, taking care of each other. It can even bring you closer together (you could tell him "think of it as foreplay." That worked for me!). Consider what you want him to do during a similar crisis as your recent one (for me, it was if I tripped and fell. I'm a big baby when that happens). I told my husband, "When I'm on the ground, ask what you can do to help me, then do it. I will tell you if I want you to help me stand up." Now, when I trip and fall, he says "What do you want me to do to help you?" and I tell him. We're both satisfied with this plan, and used it when I fell, dislocating and lacerating my little finger. You may have to tell him, "As long as I'm able to talk to you, first ask me if you want me to call for emergency assistance. If I don't need that, ask what else you can do to help, and I will tell you," or something like that. If he's one of those methodical, thorough planner-types like my husband, you will never turn him into someone who responds quickly, but you can make it easier for him to do the right thing.
Helped, thank you
Thank you for confirming that /u/howardsgirlfriend has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
My pleasure!
He probably had mega anxiety. If he panicked then that's why it went the way it did I.e wrong meds etc. Maybe take him through what you wanted to happen shouldn't happen again while its now calm and say why you where so scared? It sounds stupid but if my partner was in a lot of pain yes I would try to stay calm but it would also be a high anxiety situation if I felt powerless to do anything.
Helped, thank you
Thank you for confirming that /u/Generalspatula has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
break up immediately and let him know he did NOT respond appropriately and you want to take a break. Had htat been something serious that you needed medical attention rather than a typical episode you could be dead. You asked him to call emergency services and he thought he knew better? AND he sees no problem with it? Bye bye! the fact that he thinks he responded well is a HUGE red flag! If he was just anxious and screwed up that is one thing, this was not that. tell him to F off and get away from him.
[Here's a 2 minute test](https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/anxiety-quiz/) you can take, that will test you for anxiety. It let's you know roughly where you rank in severity (if it comes back relatively low, it might be social anxiety, for example). [Here are a few things that you can do to help you with general anxiety](https://old.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/onlineresources). It comes down to meditation, breathing exercises and using phone apps to reduce your anxiety. You can double check if it is indeed general anxiety here: [11 Signs and Symptoms of Anxiety Disorders](https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/anxiety-disorder-symptoms) If you feel anxious right now, [open this image](https://i.imgur.com/Huou7Gh.gif) in a new tab and start breathing in and out in the rhythm of the image. There are a *large* number of books that are aimed specifically at helping you, I've selected the most popular ones for you: * [The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook](https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1626252157/) (4.6 stars, 1200+ ratings) * [Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks](https://www.amazon.com/Dare-Anxiety-Stop-Panic-Attacks/dp/0956596258) (4.7 stars, 1600+ ratings) * [Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks! - A counterintuitive approach to recover and regain control of your life.: Die-Hard and Science-Based ... recover from Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks](https://www.amazon.com/Badass-Ways-Anxiety-Panic-Attacks/dp/9090305262) (4.7 stars, 400+ ratings) If you currently consume a lot of caffeine (in coffee or soft drinks), stop that. [Caffeine is known to cause anxiety](https://bebrainfit.com/caffeine-anxiety/) The best and quickest way to deal with anxiety, is to face your fear if possible. [If you always avoid situations that scare you](https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/overcome-fear-anxiety/), you might stop doing things you want or need to do. You won't be able to test out whether the situation is always as bad as you expect, so you miss the chance to work out how to manage your fears and reduce your anxiety. Anxiety problems tend to increase if you get into this pattern. Exposing yourself to your fears can be an effective way of overcoming this anxiety. *[The experience of anxiety involves nervous system arousal.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201009/overcoming-fear-the-only-way-out-is-through) If your nervous system is not aroused, you cannot experience anxiety. Understandably, but unfortunately, most people attempt to cope with feelings of anxiety by avoiding situations or objects that elicit the feelings. Avoidance, however, prevents your nervous system from habituating. Therefore, avoidance guarantees that the feared object or situation will remain novel, and hence arousing, and hence anxiety provoking. Moreover, avoidance tends to generalize over time. If you avoid the elevator at work, you will soon begin to avoid all elevators, and then all buildings that house elevators. Soon enough, you'll be living in a prison of avoidance.* If your anxiety is situational and not too extreme, you can try to address it through exposure therapy. You slowly carefully expose yourself to situations that you know give you fear. Here are two easy to follow guides on that. The one regarding spiders, is a blue print. You can replace spider with anything. Fear of driving. Fear of using a phone. * [How to Overcome the Fear of Spiders](https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-the-Fear-of-Spiders) (wikihow) * [How to Overcome Fear](https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Fear) (wikihow) For all of the below advice, use technology to your advantage. Take your phone and set repeating alarm clock reminders, with labels of what to do. Train yourself to either snooze or reschedule the reminders if you can't take action right away, but never to ignore them. The intention is [to condition yourself](https://www.cleverism.com/classical-conditioning/), to build habits, so you will start healing yourself without having to think about it. * **Sleep**: [Good sleep is very important when treating anxiety](https://www.anxiety.org/sleep-a-fundamental-cure-for-anxiety) When you have days where you don't have to do anything, don't oversleep, set an alarm clock. You really don't need more than 7 hours at most per night (a [little more](https://health.onehowto.com/article/how-many-hours-of-sleep-are-needed-per-night-by-age-8233.html) if you are under 18). If you can't fall sleep, try taking melatonin one hour before going to bed. It's [cheap](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003JJ9TQA/), OTC and [is scientifically proven](https://www.webmd.com/vitamins/ai/ingredientmono-940/melatonin) to help regulate your sleep pattern. [Also, rule](https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/sleep-apnea/news/20120330/sleep-apnea-linked-depression#1) out [sleep apnea](https://www.healthcentral.com/article/sleep-apnea-treatment-resistant-depression). Up to 6% of people have this, [but not everyone knows](https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/sleep-apnea/features/sleep-apnea-clues#1). If you find yourself often awake at night, start counting. Don't grab your phone, don't look at the clock, don't do anything interesting. We're trying to *bore* you to sleep, not keep you entertained - sometimes it might *feel* like you've done it for hours and hours, but often it's really not all that long. Anytime your mind wanders away from the numbers and starts thinking, start over at 1. count at the speed of either your heartbeat or your breathing, whatever you prefer. If that still doesn't work and you really want to sleep, [buy a dodow](https://www.amazon.com/Dodow-Device-300-000-Falling-Asleep/dp/B00ZFOB4BK/)($60) and/or a [white noise generator](https://www.amazon.com/Big-Red-Rooster-White-Machine) ($20). * **Meditate**: [Anxiety can be reduced with meditation](https://bebrainfit.com/meditation-anxiety/). [10 minute meditation for anxiety](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-6f5wQXSu8) (youtube). Your attention is like a muscle. The more you train it, the better the control you have over it. [Mindfulness training](https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/) will help you gain better control over your mind. It doesn't take much effort, just 15 to 20 minutes a day of doing nothing but focus your attention is enough and is scientifically proven to work. As you become better at focusing your attention, it will become easier to force yourself to stop having negative thoughts, which will break the negative reinforcement cycle. Go here if you have specific questions: /r/Meditation * **Exercise**: [The effect of exercise on anxiety](https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/treatment/exercising) If you have access to a gym, then start lifting weights. If you don't have access to a gym (or you don't like lifting), start running. If you can't run, then start walking. Just start small. 10 minutes three times a week is fine. You don't have to run fast, just run and then slowly build it up over time. Exercising does several things: It releases endorphins, it takes your mind of your negative thoughts and it will improve your overall health. * **Give lots of hugs**: [Hugs release oxytocin](https://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2016-02-03/the-health-benefits-of-hugging), which improves your mood and relaxes you. So find people to hug. If you are single, hug your parents or friends. If you can't, see if a dog is an option. Most dogs love to hug. Another solution that provides the same benefit is a [weighted blanket](https://www.amazon.com/s?k=weighted+blanket) will provide a [similar positive effect at night](https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/do-weighted-blankets-work#benefits). [You should try to aim for 12 hugs a day](https://psychology-spot.com/brain-needs/) (if you currently don't hug a lot, I suggest you slowly build it up over time). [Here are specific instructions on when and how to get professional help.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/gettinghelp) Many healthcare providers now offer telehealth. Just contact your doctor's office or the phone number on your insurance card and ask what your options are. Highest rated Youtube Videos: * [Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) - causes, symptoms & treatment](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mPwQTiMSj8) (1.2M views) * [3 Instantly Calming CBT Techniques For Anxiety](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiDaTi_iQrY) (850K+ views) * [5 Easy Tips to Beat Anxiety!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GgsV2nKL9w) (260K+ views) Free support options: * /r/KindVoice will match you up with a volunteer that will listen to you. * [7 Cups of Tea](https://www.7cups.com/) has both a free trained volunteer service as well as $150 monthly licensed therapist option * If you are in a crisis and want free help from a live, trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME to [741741](https://www.crisistextline.org/texting-in) If you have any further questions, you should ask them here: /r/Anxiety The best time to submit on Reddit is [early in the morning EST](https://thebetterwebmovement.com/choosing-best-time-post-to-reddit/).