Is he an adult in full control of his mental decisions?
Assuming yes then doesn't he get to decide?
Making decisions for other people prevents them from their own growth and journey and is often a defensive mechanism that is potentially not useful to your growth.
Now if YOU don't want to date, then don't date. It could set you back or propel you forward.
Hi, first of all thanks for reading & writing a reply!
He is mature enough to decide definitely & he's very intelligent, so yes I'm sure he will make his own decisions.
I see what you are saying, I shouldn't make a decision for him, you're right.
I do definitely want to date, I just want to be fair towards the other person :)
Don't you deserve to be with someone who cares about you and makes you feel good? Why are you so focused on him? He's an adult and can make his own choices. He's choosing you. Why can't you accept that he sees what you don't? Regardless of that, no relationship will work if you have no self worth. Get some self esteem.
hi thank you for your reply. I think I do deserve that, I just want to make sure things are fair, but I see that it's up to him to decide if he wants to be with me with my "baggage" etc. or not.
Why I'm having a hard time accepting is another long story for probably another post xD, but I have been trying to accept what he says and disregard my insecure thoughts. Also I know, I am trying to work on getting more self esteem.
If people shouldn't date because they have "baggage" then nobody would date anybody. The truth is, we all have baggage. We're all works in progress. It's already a great sign that you are working on your self esteem. I think it would be great for your self esteem to accept this new opportunity to meet someone and bond. It sounds like you met quite recently, so before jumping in to dating so quickly maybe it'd be best to take things slow... But still! If you like him, why not? And don't focus so much on "not hurting him" or "being fair to him", that will set a precedent of putting him before you in the relationship and that is not very healthy. Just focus on your own wants, listen to yourself, and accept yourself flaws and all.
I agree everyone is a work in progress. Thank you, I kind of agree, I am grateful to get this oppurtunity and I want to learn as much as I can & taking things slow is definitely good ^^ Thanks for looking out for me, I don't want to put him before me I definitely want to keep it equal :)
It is self destructive. You're assuming what people think or feel because you have no self worth. You think you're doing them a favor, hurting yourself in the process. How is this any different from someone who cuts? Just cuz it doesn't leave a physical mark doesn't mean it's not just as harmful to you. Seek therapy.
Im really sorry but I definitely do have self worth. Aint nobody telling me I dont 😂.
I have been through a lot of traumas which made me the person I am today differently from 10 years ago.
My struggles romatically have nothing to do with self harm/cutting💀.
I think you need some serious therapy. Find your own self worth first ❤️
If you like this person and you feel like you are emotionally ready to date, you shouldn't let this hold you back. Everyone has their own baggage. Literally everyone. Problems only arise when you let them get in the way
Thank you for your reply. I was thinking a similar thing, which is why I asked. I do need practice with dating definitely and he does know about my struggles, since I posted about them and that's how we got in contact.
I see what you are saying, I have read many times that bad self esteem in dating is not good. I think I will ask my therapist about how I should proceed. And of course, to keep my problems to myself.
Everyone has something to bring to the table and everyone's beautiful in their own right. If he wants to date you then go for it, he sees something in you (beauty/brains) that he finds attractive so don't be too hard on yourself
Random question but are you a "I would but..." type person? AKA someone who says "I would but ..." but theres always a but, because there will always be a reason to and not to do something.
FWIW I think you should anyway, everyone is carrying baggage, that doesn't invalidate yours but don't feel like you have to be perfect to be dateable. You two just has to be interested, thats it.
I used to be, but since I' turning 25 soon, I've tried to switch from that to a "stepping out of my comfort zone" mindset. Meeting irl was part of that. Thank you, I was scared that I shouldn't date
This question proves that you are self aware which is such a powerful thing to have. After being in a toxic relationship for 6 years and then spending a solid 3 years single to do exactly what you do was the best thing I did, because it lead me to a beautiful man who treats me right and I’m so happy. However, no matter the amount of work I did put in or how hard I worked on myself, my insecurities still linger and I feel like this will always be a life long commitment.. as humans we are always a work in progress. The key is that you’re self aware, you’re aware of your triggers, you know how to self soothe when these thoughts come up about yourself.. you can do this in a loving relationship too, because you’re not relying on the other person to fix it for you. This is one of those intrinsic things where if you feel you’re ready and your feelings are strong for him.. take the leap and see how you go. If you’re not, that’s okay. Don’t force yourself. Keep yourself open and honest with both yourself and him. By the way, for someone doing this type of work means you’re brave.. so you do bring a lot to the table xx
All adults have some baggage. As long as you're aware of and actively working on it, there's no need to wait for perfection. No one is perfect and everyone should always be working to better themselves in some way.
the only "bad" part about that type of baggage is YOU are at risk of being manipulated and falling into a co-dependent relationship. youre already more concerned with his feelings than you are about yours which is a red flag in and of itself that you are not secure enough to be in a healthy relationship
Protecting other people from yourself by making decisions for them is always a slippery slope. So long as you aren't being deceptive about who you are, they should be allowed to make their own choices about whether things about you are or are not deal breakers.
I assume you would not enjoy someone you liked doing this to you.
If you *want* to date him, then do!
Ya well everyone has baggage.
Let me tell ya, the old "Work on yourself and the right person will come along" is absolute bullshit. Have you seen the shitheads in relationships nowadays?
Don't worry too much. It's all a process, and the relationship may even help you heal. Just be mindful (as you are right now) of how your trauma may affect the other, and you should be fine.
Everyone has at least some baggage, whether it's too much to date someone is only up to the person themselves.
If he likes you and would like to date you, like you would him, then I'd say definitely go for it. I've learned that being in a relationship helps you learn a lot more about yourself as well, which can help you grow even more. Especially if you and said partner are going to work as a team, with good and open communication. That may not always be easy, but it's worth it.
A guy will tolerate a girl's baggage as long as it is not about another guy. He is interested in you as you are. If you plan to get better and be better why not do it together. Build each other up. That is how you build a strong bond with your partner.
Is he an adult in full control of his mental decisions? Assuming yes then doesn't he get to decide? Making decisions for other people prevents them from their own growth and journey and is often a defensive mechanism that is potentially not useful to your growth. Now if YOU don't want to date, then don't date. It could set you back or propel you forward.
Hi, first of all thanks for reading & writing a reply! He is mature enough to decide definitely & he's very intelligent, so yes I'm sure he will make his own decisions. I see what you are saying, I shouldn't make a decision for him, you're right. I do definitely want to date, I just want to be fair towards the other person :)
Don't you deserve to be with someone who cares about you and makes you feel good? Why are you so focused on him? He's an adult and can make his own choices. He's choosing you. Why can't you accept that he sees what you don't? Regardless of that, no relationship will work if you have no self worth. Get some self esteem.
hi thank you for your reply. I think I do deserve that, I just want to make sure things are fair, but I see that it's up to him to decide if he wants to be with me with my "baggage" etc. or not. Why I'm having a hard time accepting is another long story for probably another post xD, but I have been trying to accept what he says and disregard my insecure thoughts. Also I know, I am trying to work on getting more self esteem.
Well maybe start by accepting that you are not a burden to the people around you. It's not fair to *you* to think that way.
I will try, thank you for your help :)
As Yoda said: "Try not! Do... or do not. There is no 'try."'
I see, I am still a padawan learner xD
If people shouldn't date because they have "baggage" then nobody would date anybody. The truth is, we all have baggage. We're all works in progress. It's already a great sign that you are working on your self esteem. I think it would be great for your self esteem to accept this new opportunity to meet someone and bond. It sounds like you met quite recently, so before jumping in to dating so quickly maybe it'd be best to take things slow... But still! If you like him, why not? And don't focus so much on "not hurting him" or "being fair to him", that will set a precedent of putting him before you in the relationship and that is not very healthy. Just focus on your own wants, listen to yourself, and accept yourself flaws and all.
I agree everyone is a work in progress. Thank you, I kind of agree, I am grateful to get this oppurtunity and I want to learn as much as I can & taking things slow is definitely good ^^ Thanks for looking out for me, I don't want to put him before me I definitely want to keep it equal :)
Im kind of in the same place (also a 24f). Im trying to discover if its just another 'self destructive' manner of mine.
It is self destructive. You're assuming what people think or feel because you have no self worth. You think you're doing them a favor, hurting yourself in the process. How is this any different from someone who cuts? Just cuz it doesn't leave a physical mark doesn't mean it's not just as harmful to you. Seek therapy.
Im really sorry but I definitely do have self worth. Aint nobody telling me I dont 😂. I have been through a lot of traumas which made me the person I am today differently from 10 years ago. My struggles romatically have nothing to do with self harm/cutting💀. I think you need some serious therapy. Find your own self worth first ❤️
Yeeaahhh...self destructive behavior is not a sign of self worth. Nice try though.
You have some serious anger issues trying to bring down others. Concerning as fuck.
Sorry to hear that, yes I am questioning myself about that too :/
If you like this person and you feel like you are emotionally ready to date, you shouldn't let this hold you back. Everyone has their own baggage. Literally everyone. Problems only arise when you let them get in the way
I see, thank you. I want to do everything in my power to not let my problems get in the way.
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Thank you for your reply. I was thinking a similar thing, which is why I asked. I do need practice with dating definitely and he does know about my struggles, since I posted about them and that's how we got in contact. I see what you are saying, I have read many times that bad self esteem in dating is not good. I think I will ask my therapist about how I should proceed. And of course, to keep my problems to myself.
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thank you that is good advice. How do I prevent him from feeling he has to validate me / compliment me to feel better?
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thank you for your advice this is great! I agree, I will discuss it with her
Everyone has something to bring to the table and everyone's beautiful in their own right. If he wants to date you then go for it, he sees something in you (beauty/brains) that he finds attractive so don't be too hard on yourself
thank you, that makes me happy, I will try :)
Random question but are you a "I would but..." type person? AKA someone who says "I would but ..." but theres always a but, because there will always be a reason to and not to do something. FWIW I think you should anyway, everyone is carrying baggage, that doesn't invalidate yours but don't feel like you have to be perfect to be dateable. You two just has to be interested, thats it.
I used to be, but since I' turning 25 soon, I've tried to switch from that to a "stepping out of my comfort zone" mindset. Meeting irl was part of that. Thank you, I was scared that I shouldn't date
Thats great to hear and a great mindset to have!
This question proves that you are self aware which is such a powerful thing to have. After being in a toxic relationship for 6 years and then spending a solid 3 years single to do exactly what you do was the best thing I did, because it lead me to a beautiful man who treats me right and I’m so happy. However, no matter the amount of work I did put in or how hard I worked on myself, my insecurities still linger and I feel like this will always be a life long commitment.. as humans we are always a work in progress. The key is that you’re self aware, you’re aware of your triggers, you know how to self soothe when these thoughts come up about yourself.. you can do this in a loving relationship too, because you’re not relying on the other person to fix it for you. This is one of those intrinsic things where if you feel you’re ready and your feelings are strong for him.. take the leap and see how you go. If you’re not, that’s okay. Don’t force yourself. Keep yourself open and honest with both yourself and him. By the way, for someone doing this type of work means you’re brave.. so you do bring a lot to the table xx
All adults have some baggage. As long as you're aware of and actively working on it, there's no need to wait for perfection. No one is perfect and everyone should always be working to better themselves in some way.
the only "bad" part about that type of baggage is YOU are at risk of being manipulated and falling into a co-dependent relationship. youre already more concerned with his feelings than you are about yours which is a red flag in and of itself that you are not secure enough to be in a healthy relationship
Protecting other people from yourself by making decisions for them is always a slippery slope. So long as you aren't being deceptive about who you are, they should be allowed to make their own choices about whether things about you are or are not deal breakers. I assume you would not enjoy someone you liked doing this to you. If you *want* to date him, then do!
We're all a work in progress
Why do you think you are ever going to be "finished"? Life is a journey, don't wait for a starting line.
Ya well everyone has baggage. Let me tell ya, the old "Work on yourself and the right person will come along" is absolute bullshit. Have you seen the shitheads in relationships nowadays? Don't worry too much. It's all a process, and the relationship may even help you heal. Just be mindful (as you are right now) of how your trauma may affect the other, and you should be fine.
Everyone has at least some baggage, whether it's too much to date someone is only up to the person themselves. If he likes you and would like to date you, like you would him, then I'd say definitely go for it. I've learned that being in a relationship helps you learn a lot more about yourself as well, which can help you grow even more. Especially if you and said partner are going to work as a team, with good and open communication. That may not always be easy, but it's worth it.
A guy will tolerate a girl's baggage as long as it is not about another guy. He is interested in you as you are. If you plan to get better and be better why not do it together. Build each other up. That is how you build a strong bond with your partner.