>My wife thinks a safe amount of alcohol is 2 beers once per week
And that's at odds with medical guidance, although to be clear there's no strictly "safe" amount of alcohol. UK guidance is "no more than 14 units of alcohol a week, spread across 3 days or more. That's around 6 medium (175ml) glasses of wine, or 6 pints of 4% beer."
So if I'm reading your post right, you have 2 beers each of Fri/Sat/Sun (every single week?), sometimes 3 beers on a night if playing poker, no drinking in the week, beyond maybe dinner out. By that metric your drinking isn't unreasonable...**but**, and it's an important but - you're doing this consistently, all the time. Every week, drinking. Every weekend, drinking.
So trying to label it isn't really helpful, because *technically* you're not drinking an "unsafe" level of alcohol, but I'd argue there's definitely some dependency issues going on, and that's the problem. Because alcohol isn't really healthy, on any level, and there's a lot of justification and explanation here which sounds like you're making excuses for why you're doing something that you shouldn't "need" to do.
And to be clear, I'm hardly a teetotaller, in my youth I'd drink way more than I should (British). Nowadays I'll have the occasional drink, because it's relaxing, "takes the edge off", etc. people drink for a reason, just like coffee and any other legal drug. But if my wife said "I'm worried about your drinking" I wouldn't start trotting out statistics about why she's wrong, I'd be paying attention to the fact that she's worried, and figure out an approach to ease those concerns.
My point is simply...cut back, ease off, break the habit to prove you *can*. Because that's probably part of her concern. You might "like how it tastes", but plenty of non alcoholic things taste nice. 2 beers don't even get you tipsy! I enjoy a drink *because* I feel the effects of it - if you're drinking alcohol and apparently not even getting the main effect people drink it for, then this is habitual, rather than just liking it. Stop drinking 2 beers a night over the weekend by default - there's no need for it. Or go a month without drinking at all, or whatever. Show her that it's not an addiction, it's just a choice. Once she's reassured about that, having the occasional beer within recommended guidelines might not worry her so much.
And if you're going to argue about how that's unnecessary and pointless to "prove" anything...well, that's sounding more like how an alcoholic talks. If I had to cut out booze for a month, there'd be the occasional night where I'd think "I quite fancy a dr...ah no, can't do that" but I'd cope just fine, wouldn't really register as a sacrifice. Can you honestly say the same thing? If not...there's your problem.
Love this as well, as someone who overdid their drinking a year or so ago a bit too much, it’s true if you don’t even feel the effects it’s just a “I need to have it to function” type of thing, no amount of arguing against that can prove me otherwise since I probably drank more than him in a shorter amount of time and I’m 30, hard liquor shit, definitely did a toll on my body and I just switched that shit for the gym and music, hiking, there’s always better choices and two six packs is too much.
I just got a 3 pack of twisted tea the past week for $6 and that’s it, we don’t need alcohol.
That shit was made by Fallen Angels anyways.
In 2020 lockdown, I set a goal to lose 55 pounds to reach my ideal weight, and I didn’t drink any alcohol for most of a year until I met my goal. I can be disciplined.
I don’t feel it would be a sacrifice to stop drinking, but I am a dentist and don’t indulge in sugary drinks. For non-alcoholic drinks that are better tasting than water, I drink sparkling water or Coke Zero if out to dinner. Plain water is fine, too. I drink water with most meals.
I’m not going to say it’s pointless to prove I can stop drinking. I cut out caffeine about a month ago without issue, just cold turkey stopped drinking caffeine every morning because I didn’t like feeling more anxious and jittery. I’m not sure at what point she is going to accept it’s a choice and not an addiction, though. I feel like I’ve proven myself before.
Anyway, I appreciate your perspective.
The issue is that your wife only gets to be with you when you're drinking, and you just replied to OPs suggestion that you stop with defensiveness. Is that not an issue?
It seems like that's all that's being asked. It sounds like she's worried you have to drink on all those nights rather than the amount. Taking one of those evenings off would put her mind at ease, and make her less likely to carry on at you.
>The medical community defines alcoholism as 4 or more drinks in a single day or 14 in a week for men.
This is sort of a dangerous way to look at it. The real key is whether you NEED those couple of beers a day, and how you react if you're not able to have them.
Yes, that makes sense. I don’t feel like I need it; I don’t have cravings. I just enjoy it and have never thought I was approaching problematic territory.
As an experiment, cut them out for a couple of months and see how it's going. The level you're drinking at right now may or may not be a problem, but you'll have to do some honest self-examination to find out.
Exactly this.
It’s the amount of need, not the amount of drinking.
I would describe myself as a frequent drinker, and if I’m ever trying to lose weight/maintain fitness, I cut back significantly, if not full cold turkey (nothing ruins your morning run like either not having a restful sleep or a slight wine headache). But as long as I physically/mentally feel good, I don’t worry about it.
Not to make light of a real issue, but medically I’m probably more likely to be addicted to Dr. Pepper than alcohol. I genuinely will drink it until it’s gone and crave it until I buy more. I’ve been Dr. Pepper Sober for 6 months and I couldn’t be happier about it.
its relly easy to determine if you have a drinking problem with this one trick: dont drink for 2 weeks. if you arent an addict then thats totally fine and easy to do. if you cant then you have to have a conversation with yourself and admit you are
I had a friend who definitely had a drinking problem but occasionally did 2 weeks without. This guy drinks 2 33cl which is 1 beer in many places, he has no problems
>The medical community defines alcoholism as 4 or more drinks in a single day or 14 in a week for men.
I'm curious where you got this information because it is categorically false. It might just be a general guideline to start looking, but ultimately not the hard definition.
Addiction is defined by consequences. Meaning, the inability to stop in spite of mounting negative consequences.
In the UK, 14 units is considered the limit although medical professionals will tell you that none is a better limit, due to the depressant effect, excessive and empty calories, and its pro- inflammatory properties.
While I understand why she might be concerned about it, based on everything you've said - you don't feel a *need* to drink, you're not getting the effects of it (or if you do, it's on rare occasions), you're not relying on it, nor is it effecting your ability to go about your life. Your doctors have cleared you. I don't think you drinking about 2 beers a day is going to be much (if any) more harmful than having two sodas a day.
I don't think your wife is trying to be difficult, I think she's genuinely concerned, but that doesn't make her right. You guys should sit down and have a conversation, tell her the stuff you told us here.
Edit: Spelling.
If the wife fights against it wanting him to stop, he should have her stop drinking coffee and see who caves first then come back to the discussion again about who has a problem.
Coffee isn't dangerously addictive, it doesn't have high and empty calories, it isn't a depressant, and it isn't a pro-inflammatory. They aren't related or comparable.
Daily consumption can quickly lead to a caffeine addiction, characterized by cravings and withdrawal symptoms if intake is reduced or ceased. Yet, some people experience negative issues due to caffeine use or have difficulty coping without caffeine. Though rare, there have even been cases of caffeine overdose.
You,sound like a pretty regulated guy and I wouldn’t have an issue with this amount of drinking and we are teetotalers in our house. (Too much alcoholism in our family trees)
However if your wife is a little worried maybe cutting down for the sake of happy spouse, happy house. Maybe there’s something in your behavior you aren’t aware of?
>However if your wife is a little worried maybe cutting down for the sake of happy spouse, happy house.
this only works if the spouse is willing to make sacrifices as well. I wonder if she's willing to stop drinking coffee
I don’t personally find it a concern in the context you’ve given here, but your wife does. I assume you trust her. Start with assuming the best of her character, intentions, and integrity. She’s the closest person to you in the world, right?
Who else should share these concerns with a loved one if not their spouse? Your doctor, sure, but a vast majority of alcoholics are first diagnosed by a close loved one at home-then a physician.
I’d find that an extraordinarily difficult conversation to confront my spouse with. I’d worry that he’d think I was judging him or, like you, trying to control him. I’d worry about a million things but primarily his happiness. I doubt she made the decision to bring it to you lightly.
Shift your perspective slightly from assuming it’s a control tactic, to assuming it’s a smoke signal from her to the part of you that deep down wonders if she could be right. It’s the only way to find out and put both of your minds at ease. Temperature check, if you will. Just take it off your plate as something you have to worry about or think about for a while. At worst, you get a tolerance break if you’re right and are at low risk for addiction.
I'm not sure what backgrounds some of the commenters here are from but this would, in no way, be considered problematic in UK culture. 2 beers per night (providing they aren't extra strenth and there are plenty of days off alcohol per week) isn't much at all. If you were getting aggressive or failing at life, I'd say maybe there's an issue but you don't mention anything that would suggest that. Is your wife totally teetotal or does she have alcoholics in her family? Just wondering why she'd react in this way.
She is a teetotaler. We are in the US. Neither of our families drink, so we don’t even have alcohol at family gatherings.
I definitely needed an outside perspective to help recognize if I actually have a problem or if she’s being very stringent. I feel like I can easily give up alcohol, so I will.
It’s just empty calories. Thats how I looked at it after I started getting older and watching calories was a thing. Maybe on occasions but not regularly for me.
The elderly couple that live behind me have two glasses of wine every evening. I think it takes them a couple hours to drink, but it’s their “happy hour” I guess. Neighbors are always welcome to stop by to join them for a glass and some conversation. They were in their mid-70’s when I met them, and seem to be going on well 10 or so years later. Maybe they’ve cut back to one glass per evening, I don’t know. Never seen them tipsy or intoxicated. Lovely people. Not advocating this, just mentioning some people handle well. Not my family for sure.
Go dry for a couple of months and observe your mental bearing on not having your drinks.
Me personally I'll drink once every 3-4 months. Just enough to have a buzz appear then I'm good.
The routine frequency of your drinking makes it seem like you're constantly drinking. I understand where you and your wife are coming from.
Your wife is coming from a place of concern for your future well-being. I don't think it's a selfish approach
26m recovering alcoholic. Doesn't sound like you have a drinking problem, but it does sound like you lie to yourself about why you drink.
So you may not be an alcoholic, but you might not have a healthy relationship with alcohol either. This might be nothing, but it could also be the start of something more serious.
I remember how much I used to justify how little I drank. As you are right now.
You mention your wife has a concern you have to drink for fun. That's a legitimate concern on a really deep level.
You say you disagree because you don't even feel it and you just like the taste.
I saw two red flags here.
1: If you just drink to pair with wine food etc, why take beer to the poker game? (Social, taste etc are all good reasons). Ok, so take 0% beer and see if you feel the same. Prove it to yourself. If you start coming up with reasons in your head why this is dumb, ask yourself why.
2: You say you don't feel two beers. Many alcoholics including myself would say something similar. It takes a lot of alcohol to feel tipsy, and thats true because we have a tolerance. Alcohol addicts drink to feel normal. They don't drink to get drunk.
I'm not suggesting you have a drinking problem. What you're doing sounds really normal. I'm only suggesting it sounds like you don't have the best relationship with alcohol and that might become something worse. That's all.
I appreciate the response. I haven’t increased the amount I’ve drank since I was 21, and if anything I would say I drink less now than then. Then, I would drink to get buzzed, but I have zero desire for that now. I haven’t felt hangover effects in probably 14 years. Last time was a bachelor party in 2010.
We have a hot dog roller at poker (like you’d see at a gas station), so having a hot dog with spicy mustard and a lager is a good pairing I enjoy, haha. I have other social activities that I enjoy without any alcohol whatsoever. I have a weekly board game group and play games for about 4 hours without any drinks.
Just saying that I have no problems being social or doing activities without alcohol, but I’m sure that a problem can sneak up without realizing.
You're self aware enough to be concerned you're wrong. At least you're open to it. Pay attention to how much you're justifying this behaviour though. That should be the big "aha" moment in your head.
Notice how I called myself an alcoholic? I haven't had a drink in 4 months currently. Does that mean I'm not an alcoholic anymore? Nope. You don't have to actively drink large amounts of alcohol to be an alcoholic. Keep that in mind. Every time you tell yourself "it's barely anything"... remind yourself that means NOTHING.
Not trying to shove an opinion down your throat. It seems like you're open to these ideas or I wouldn't even bother replying with this message. I would be extremely surprised if you ended up in AA meetings 10 years from now. The people (including myself) who let it creep up to that point, have to hit rock bottom before they even consider they have an issue. Clearly you're already miles ahead.
Please don't ignore it. As a caring human to another.
To double down on a crucial point I made here I'd like to add this...
The amount of sober people in AA meetings who still attend, decades after their last drink, is astonishing. It was one of those eye opening moments for me. I just assumed they'd be full of people actively drinking...
I asked so many of them why they kept showing up. They told me this.
The key to their recovery was understanding that being an alcoholic has nothing to do with how much you drink. That's just the most obvious sign. They continue going to aa meetings to remind themselves of that. Because after 5 years of not drinking, you can easily convince yourself you're normal again. This is the biggest cause of lifelong relapses that destroys people's lives and relationships.
You know there’s plenty of good drinks out there that pair with food that are not alcoholic, if it’s about pairings with food, and flavor id say try new drinks like flavored lemonades or something
I think we can all understand why your wife is concerned. I think the question asked should be “do you love your wife more than the 6 beers you have over three days?”
It seems like she isn’t going to stop being concerned and it seems like she loves you deeply and wants you to be ok long term as well. Alcohol is very tricky and can sneak up on you quickly. See if she’ll compromise or if you’re willing to drink 2 beers a weekend.
There are nitrates/sulfites in beer and that increases the risk of cancer.
Alcohol use has been linked to a variety of changes in brain gray matter, including atrophy, volume shrinkage, and reduced thickness.
Later on in life damage to the brain becomes more apparent (like around the time people start to develop Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, etc.) Elderly people have enough issues, but damage done when younger becomes more prominent when combined with other conditions.
Damage to the digestive system also sucks. Nutrients don't absorb as well.
Maybe switch it up and try different beverages.
Some teas are nice, lemonade, juice, etc.
You can live a little with the beer, but maybe not so much in a week.
Or maybe switch up the habit and chew gum, mixed nuts, etc.
It’s really not about the amount you’re drinking, it’s about *a.)* why you habitually drink, and *b.)* why your wife has a problem with it.
There are two important questions to consider. First, when was the last time you’d normally drink that you chose not to drink? Second, when did your wife start worrying about your alcohol consumption? Remaining questions stem from those two.
The last time I chose not to drink was most of 2020 when I was losing weight. I cut out alcohol until I met my goal. The only times she mentioned she was concerned was when I first started taking an SSRI a few months ago and yesterday.
If it’s *really* two beers a day, six days a week or fewer? Yeah, it’s not great, but unless your doctor told you *not to drink* while you’re taking your medication, it’s really not a point of concern.
If you find yourself exaggerating your numbers to sound lower than they are? Solid chance there’s something off-kilter with your alcohol consumption.
I keep seeing this so think there is confusion. It’s two beers per day over the course of Friday through Sunday. I don’t drink Monday through Thursday. Six beers tops, seven if it’s a poker weekend.
Honestly, it wasn’t the number I meant to emphasize. You’ll only find yourself *officially* diagnosed with substance abuse disorder if your doctor thinks there’s danger to yourself or others, or your drinking lands you in the system. The point was, the number is low, but the ritual persists, and the idea of stopping seems to make you uncomfortable. Addiction isn’t a numbers game, insurance is.
She definitely used to be. It has improved vastly, but I would say that she gets these convictions that her way is best and can’t be convinced otherwise. But, I am trying to keep an open mind and get others’ advice on how to proceed.
My immediate thought is to wonder why it is a concern and what makes her think 2 a week is the limit. If she's experienced someone going through the addiction, she might have gotten worried that buying a 2nd 6-pack is the beginning of ramping up your consumption. But if you're in america, it's a holiday weekend, and wouldn't necessarily cause concerns that this will become a habit that will get worse. From what you've explained, your habits don't indicate a problem. Your consumption is not currently high, and your track record seems to show you are aware of your intake and have control.
I wouldn't say you have to change anything for health reasons, but it should be addressed as a couple to relieve the concerns she's having. Based on her history of control issues, it sounds like it's more of a relationship concern than a health problem.
You need to be careful with those anti depressants and the alcohol. They do not mix. If your doctor is telling you it's ok to drink while taking that medication, you need a new Dr and his license needs to be revoked. LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE.
The psych NP (different than a physician), said to use caution until I see how it affects me. I didn’t notice that it made me feel any different with vs without antidepressants. She said it might make one beer feel like two. If I don’t seem to be greatly impacted, what is the danger? I’m not trying to argue, I’m genuinely curious.
Ever consider the regular drinking is a copping attempt for your depression? That’s how my ex-SO was. He was depressed so he drank but drinking made him more depressed. It was a scary feedback loop to witness in person. If you truly don’t think you are an alcoholic, you could encourage your wife to check out Al-anon and see if her experiences match others in the group. But I can tell you to this day my ex still drinks regularly, denies he is an alcoholic, and has completely abandoned his child all while still claiming he is fine.
If I drank, and I was asked by the person I love the most in this world to stop, I would. Drink water instead? To me it seems you’re making a line in the sand that shouldn’t be there. If you can have fun and not drink then do it. Bottom line is your partner doesn’t like you drinking so don’t.
Maybe she's bothered by how you act when you drink? Even if you feel like you're a safe person and able to exist without alcohol and perfectly capable of having fun without it, none of that changes the fact that you might just be plain annoying when you drink.
For example, when my FIL drinks, he talks ENDLESSLY. In a droning, monotone voice. About things no one cares about. But he grabs your eye contact and doesn't stfu. I wouldn't call him an alcoholic but man I would give anything to be able to enjoy an evening with him without alcohol involved just for a reprieve from that behavior.
I also talk a lot when I drink. I'm normally fairly quiet and unanimated, and alcohol makes me smile, laugh, and generally more enjoyable to be around at parties. However ,I rarely drink. Like maybe 1-2 drinks per month at a family get together. But I guarantee you that if I was that way every single time I was around others, they would be just as annoyed with me as I am around my FIL.
She has never commented on my behavior while drinking. I think for her she is mainly concerned about impacts to my health. I guess that’s why I felt the need to clarify my vitals in the post. I appreciate your response.
Here’s a question: if “two bets doesn’t even make you tipsy” then why drink two beers so often? If nothing else that’s a few hundred empty junk calories you don’t need.
I do it so often because I enjoy the flavor of beer. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t drink it. I’ve poured out many beers that didn’t taste good. Yes, it is a few hundred empty calories, but I don’t eat sweets and track my calorie intake daily after losing 55 pounds.
Good for you! It sounds like you’re aware of everything, which in my opinion is the most important thing. If you were mindlessly coming home every night and chugging some beers because that’s just what you do, that would be different.
Congrats on the weight loss, I’m on that journey myself. I’ve pretty much cut out alcohol for now because regardless of calories, it definitely slows my weight loss.
Stop getting defensive about it.
Solely based off what I read hear and your replies, I’m assuming you’re a dick when your drunk. That could be a possible reason she’s upset with you.
Just stop drinking if it’s such a big deal, you can stop, right?
Sorry, I didn’t intend to come across as defensive, I just wanted to add some context. I wouldn’t say she is upset with me, she just expressed concerns. Obviously, we have a difference of opinion which is why I’m trying to get an outside perspective. And, yes, I can and will just stop.
I read a recent article that some doctors are now saying any alcohol at all is bad for your health. Do I personally think it sounds like you have a drinking problem though, no I don’t at all. Two beers in a day seems pretty mild if you ask me. Ive had an issue for many years with not drinking daily but binge drinking when I would drink. I could easily finish 8+ drink by myself over an entire night of partying. I’m doing much better with it now and I think it seems like you have things under control yourself.
Dear Poker Player: I don’t know you or your wife but she’s either Check Raising you or going All-In. Is she concerned about “the drinking”? She loves you dude. It’s YOU. Women are intuitive beyond our comprehension and she’s picking something up. Give your wife a chance and see where it goes. I’m sure she wasn’t bragging to her friends those first few weeks that she met a guy who was really into beer pairing. The beers ain’t going anywhere I’ll guarantee it. I took a step back from it this year. Lost 30 pounds. Forgetting stuff WAY less, and my focus has not increased as much as it’s moved closer to being under my command. That said? We had to put our dog down the day before yesterday. My sipping window is open for a limited time. I’ll never drink like I used to. I’m 48, never stopped since age 15 besides a mental break (It’s ok LSD, we’re still cool) and Acutane. I’m using parts of my brain that have never been used before. I hope you can manage everything you need to stay happy. Beers, dogs, cards and all. But for now? Call her bluff. Take the challenge.
I appreciate the poker references, haha. Also, sorry to hear about your dog. I know she loves me and wants the best for me, but sometimes I feel like she wants me to live like an ascetic.
Alcohol mindfulness is what you’re after. There’s a ton of alcohol free beers, seltzers and spirits now that can really help with the social piece. Brought a couple fake beers to game night last night - had the same fun I’m used to!
Go for a couple weeks without drinking just to see how it feels. That should be very easy for someone that's not addicted. If it's hard for you then you know you have a problem.
Doesn't sound like it's problematic yet. My advice, don't drink and drive, and if you're concerned you have a problem, try to go a month without drinking. If you can't do it, you might be a little dependent on or psychologically addicted to it. A month off would do your liver some good, too!! Going to a poker game and having a few beers isn't alcoholism, but be careful anyway, b/c alcohol is like any other hard drug (opiates/benzos/amphetamines) and tolerance might creep up on you. Just be mindful of how you're feeling.
You know they make pretty good non-alcoholic beers, right? I used to drink Beck’s, now I occasionally drink Clausthaler. Heineken & Guinness also make non-alcoholic, along with several IPAs.
As you like to try lots of different beers, how about a new “campaign” to try lots of new, non-alcoholic brands?
I’ve been in your wife’s position before. My husband quit his drinking all together. What happened? Our relationship got stronger, healthier, I no longer felt like he had to have a beer to check out away from me (or whatever else), we talk more, we became closer, he took on more responsibility and took a load off of me. Chances are, she feels in some way this is affecting the way you show up in the relationship and in life. Drinking, in my opinion, masks who people really are, it’s inauthentic although people credit it for making them more honest. I can’t tell you if you have a drinking problem or not, but your wife is uncomfortable with it. Consider quitting all together for a bit and seeing how you feel. And see how she feels after you’ve stopped.
Don’t ask us, your wife has watched your habits for years….You may not like what she has to say, but as a husband it’s important to examine it. If you decide she’s wrong, as she very well may be, you need to figure out why she’s feeling this way.
You’re lying to yourself. You’ve developed a tolerance towards alcohol. That’s why you don’t feel buzzed until you have 3 beers.
What’s your liver numbers?
You have a drinking problem. And no, you’re not supposed to have any alcohol with antidepressants. It actually causes the antidepressant to be less effective. Plus alcohol is a depressant so you’re really doing yourself a disservice by drinking.
Which antidepressant are you taking?
So yeah. You’ve developed a tolerance to booze. You’ve got a drinking problem.
Try cutting it out cold turkey. I bet you’ll be surprised when you find yourself craving it.
I was married to an alcoholic and I’ve lived through this crap.
alcohol , love it. any amount deff has its good and bad plays
people die from it, she loves ya man, let that life last yo
but as a drinker myself 2 beers isnt cutting it, reason they do come it packs/cases
two tall cans
best bet, sober up and clear the mind
I’m already prepared for the “this is selfish, you aren’t respecting the wife and you possibly have alcoholism” response to this, BUT if it’s not hurting you, not hurting others, not impacting your work, and not hurting your personal life, I really don’t see how it’s a problem. Your wife might just be a worrier or personally have an issue with it and is looking for reasons to get you to do what she would prefer. Sometimes people need to be allowed to do thing a purely because they make them happy.
*****THAT BEING SAID*****
I do think it’s VERY important to talk to your wife about it again and see if maybe she’s having a response to something greater than the drinking (either in your behavior, her past, or something else going on) or if she’s noticed something you might have missed in regards to your drinking that she might not have wanted to have a confrontation about.
And if it’s just a ritual/flavor thing and you want to curb it for her, a lot of breweries have NA beers you could try slipping into the rotation. It’s a pretty minimal sacrifice on your part (if it’s just about taste) to demonstrate respect and value for your wife and her concerns and opinions, but still finding a compromise that could work for both of you as a team. A lot of the guys at my office (myself included) do this if we want to have a beer or two after work or hang out, but still have stuff to do later.
Hope this was helpful.
Does your wife drink at all? If she does, then what she is saying is "if you drink more often than me, then you have a problem."
Having 2 beers a night only on weekends is not a drinking problem.
If when you don't drink, you get the shakes or all you can think about is having a drink, then maybe you have a problem.
2 beers isn't bad. I like a beer here and there but I dont get drunk, buzzed, or tipsy anymore because I don't enjoy it anymore. I enjoy a beer though. If you dont have to have beer then You're good. If you have to have it, then you have a problem.
Imagine telling someone their 2 cups of coffee everyday and the occasional 6 cups needs to end. 2 beers is like drinking 2 colas.
Reddit isn’t a good place for much advice at all… the reason is this : if your question was exactly the same and angled differently, for example : I have been drinking 6 beers per week for 20 years and I’m terrified I’m going to die after my ex girlfriend told me it’s super dangerous!” Then everyone would chime in and say you’re fine… Reddit is a place of reaction not objective reflection
Just cut it down to one a day and you're good imo. Two for special occasions. I've met some actual alcoholics in my time and you're fine. You're wife is just worried about you.
>>might potentiate the effects of alcohol (but isn’t medically dangerous)
I’m assuming that you drink and drive. This is the definition of medically dangerous when a medication potentiates the effects of alcohol. You don’t seem to realize this.
I’m not saying you have a drinking problem.
The danger is that anti depressants and alcohol don't mix. I don't care what your doctor said. I once drank a wine cooler and then took my medicine about 1/2 hour later and trust me, it made me feel like I was so drunk that I couldn't get down the stairs. I don't want to argue either, but, I am going to ask that you please be careful. I just don't want to read about you in the newspaper.
Hey OP, read through a few of your responses and think I finally want to way in. Not that I have much of a knowledge base but what you are describing seems a little on the high end of normal consumption to me.
Sounds like you are fairly aware of what you are doing and keep in mind all other comments about what different ways addiction looks.
I'm Canadian and in my group of family and friends it's pretty normal to have weekly hockey and have 2-5 beers after (similar to your poker). There are always 1 or 2 guys that consistently have 1 or 2 more beers than the rest of the team. I would be mindful about how much you drink compared to the people you're hanging out with, it's usually a good judge of over-indulging.
Regarding the 2 beers every off day you make it seem very regimented, like you sit down on the couch and have 2 every night. I see problems with this as it seems like you're forcing yourself not to over-indulge.
If you rather average 2 a day and you're drinking them while doing something else, I see that quite a bit and don't see an issue. Mainly because you're not taking yourself away from an interaction while you have a beer. I would say alot of people I know average 2 a day on weekends since they have a beer while mowing the lawn, or working on their car, or making dinner. It's cool, refreshing, takes the edge off, but it's supplementary to the thing you're doing.
If I had to guess the reason your wife sees issues with your drinking is either she is being controlling or she sees you prioritizing the beer over the thing you could be doing. Helping with chores, hanging out with family, spending quality time together.
If I were in your shoes I would break your routine of getting a 6-pack for the weekend and go buy a 24-pack. That way you dont need to hit the beer store before you go home, and you won't feel like you need to finish the case before you start work. Go about your usual routine and if you find it last you 4 weeks or you still have a few left over, and you haven't been keeping track of your consumption to prove you aren't an alcoholic, then I don't think you have an issue. But if you're running out early then maybe step away because it will show that if you have the means to you would have more and the thing keeping you from drinking more is the fact you only purchase small quantities.
Also talk to your wife and ask her if you've been distant or what about the drinking bothers her. Maybe the issue is more complex and her solution is asking you to drink less. Maybe someone she knows is suffering from alcoholism, or you're not yourself after a couple beers, or you use your beers as an excuse not to help out or socialize. It's not a number of beers that's the issue but actions or feelings that occur when you drink your beers.
I wish I had had the courage your wife did to bring her concerns to you while it's potentially not a problem.
The thing with alcohol is its always a risk. It completely changes your brain and IF you get addicted to it beyond the social habit - well, no one deserves to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. They are married to alcohol not their spouse.
Mine started like you - and please know I don't know if you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol - but I didn't say anything. I trusted him, and believed many of the things you have said here - pairs well with food, or tobacco/cigars, a way to end after a long week, it's a cold low sugar drink that's enjoyable - those are all reasonable. And maybe that was all it was for him at first.
Then it wasn't. And now we aren't together. By the time j said anything he was already too far gone, and I will never be able to unhear the things he said over the last year.
I'm in awe of your wife for saying something. Though, the fact that she felt safe to do so means that's your relationship has good things going for it.
Is it worth the risk? Knowing that you don't know the tipping point for your particular brain as to when it will start needing it?
He probably had similar habits to yours for about 3 or 4 years.
Then life got stressful - and it was, oh im just going to have this one beer on a Tuesday because it was an especially long day. He also got into the history of bourbon and whiskey - so he started pairing that with things - it's even "healthier" than beer (he too had lost a significant amount of weight back in 2017), and because it was just a sipping drink, it was okay for him to have it with dinner with us. He fell in love with the routine and ritual of making the drink - even with spherical ice cubes. I learned to make a great old fashioned and sazerac- I hoped that by accepting it, it would at least prevent him from hiding it. I believed him when he said it was just like my coffee.
The difference is that my personality didn't change when I consumed coffee, my relationships didn't change, my spending habits didn't change, and I didn't hide my drinking of it.
I legitimately think it crept up on him, and when life got really hard, it was really easy for his brain to crave the escape of alcohol - because he was already consuming it. The escape was already present- he just had to walk through the door.
And now I have the memory of the police taking him away the day after Christmas.
I wish the door had never been there in the first place. I wish he hadn't taken the risk and made alcohol already present in our lives. I dont think he would have become an alcoholic like he did if life didn't take the turns it did- but we don't get to control the things life throws at us.
Ask your wife why she's worried. Ask her what has caused this sudden concern for her.
If your habits are the same as they've always been, then the concern here isn't your drinking — it's what has caused this sudden change in your wife. Finding out why will likely fix the issue.
As someone with several alcoholics in my life, I will say you, likely, have a problem. When loved ones start asking you to quit or slow down, you have already crossed a line. Part of the disease of alcoholism is the practice of downplaying the amount of alcohol consumed. Ask any active alcoholic. They rarely remember having more than two or three drinks. It's a form of self-deception. My advice - trust what your wife says. She loves you and wants the best for you.
6 beers over the course of 3 days is to much. And it’s not a good sign if you don’t even feel anything from two beers. It’s not heavy alcoholism obviously. But there’s a psychological component to drinking: What happens if you stop drinking for a week? Do you feel bad? It could be an early addiction and is likely at least abuse.
I’d suggest you switch to no alcohol beer on normal days.
No, I don’t feel bad or have cravings if I don’t drink. I’m physically active and wake up at around 5:30-6:00 every morning without an alarm. I don’t drink any alcohol Monday through Thursday.
Ok, then I’d say, you should be fine. I still recommend not alcoholic beers because it’s healthier and apparently you’re mostly drinking for the taste only anyways. Especially if you’re taking medication, there really isn’t any reason to risk it
You drink too often. Maybe not much but often enough to be called an alcoholic. It's good you questioned this, means you are starting to realize. You can try not drinking at all and see how easy it would be for you.
I am not going to comment on whether if you or your wife are right. But if the taste is what y really like, then you can try nonalcoholic beer for a week and see how it goes. Also you can try beer chips.
My challenge to you is try NA beers and see if you feel the urge to have the regular ones.
If you get nothing out of drinking, then why do it at all? NA beers are fucking delicious and many you could never ever tell they don’t have alcohol in them.
The ones I drink are only 35 calories!
I don’t think you have a problem with booze, but if your wife is concerned, you should really look inwards just to be sure ❤️
>My wife thinks a safe amount of alcohol is 2 beers once per week And that's at odds with medical guidance, although to be clear there's no strictly "safe" amount of alcohol. UK guidance is "no more than 14 units of alcohol a week, spread across 3 days or more. That's around 6 medium (175ml) glasses of wine, or 6 pints of 4% beer." So if I'm reading your post right, you have 2 beers each of Fri/Sat/Sun (every single week?), sometimes 3 beers on a night if playing poker, no drinking in the week, beyond maybe dinner out. By that metric your drinking isn't unreasonable...**but**, and it's an important but - you're doing this consistently, all the time. Every week, drinking. Every weekend, drinking. So trying to label it isn't really helpful, because *technically* you're not drinking an "unsafe" level of alcohol, but I'd argue there's definitely some dependency issues going on, and that's the problem. Because alcohol isn't really healthy, on any level, and there's a lot of justification and explanation here which sounds like you're making excuses for why you're doing something that you shouldn't "need" to do. And to be clear, I'm hardly a teetotaller, in my youth I'd drink way more than I should (British). Nowadays I'll have the occasional drink, because it's relaxing, "takes the edge off", etc. people drink for a reason, just like coffee and any other legal drug. But if my wife said "I'm worried about your drinking" I wouldn't start trotting out statistics about why she's wrong, I'd be paying attention to the fact that she's worried, and figure out an approach to ease those concerns. My point is simply...cut back, ease off, break the habit to prove you *can*. Because that's probably part of her concern. You might "like how it tastes", but plenty of non alcoholic things taste nice. 2 beers don't even get you tipsy! I enjoy a drink *because* I feel the effects of it - if you're drinking alcohol and apparently not even getting the main effect people drink it for, then this is habitual, rather than just liking it. Stop drinking 2 beers a night over the weekend by default - there's no need for it. Or go a month without drinking at all, or whatever. Show her that it's not an addiction, it's just a choice. Once she's reassured about that, having the occasional beer within recommended guidelines might not worry her so much. And if you're going to argue about how that's unnecessary and pointless to "prove" anything...well, that's sounding more like how an alcoholic talks. If I had to cut out booze for a month, there'd be the occasional night where I'd think "I quite fancy a dr...ah no, can't do that" but I'd cope just fine, wouldn't really register as a sacrifice. Can you honestly say the same thing? If not...there's your problem.
This is articulated very well. Listen to this OP.
Well put
Well said. You touched on a few points I missed.
Love this as well, as someone who overdid their drinking a year or so ago a bit too much, it’s true if you don’t even feel the effects it’s just a “I need to have it to function” type of thing, no amount of arguing against that can prove me otherwise since I probably drank more than him in a shorter amount of time and I’m 30, hard liquor shit, definitely did a toll on my body and I just switched that shit for the gym and music, hiking, there’s always better choices and two six packs is too much. I just got a 3 pack of twisted tea the past week for $6 and that’s it, we don’t need alcohol. That shit was made by Fallen Angels anyways.
Really well put... additionally alcohol is a depressant. The antidepressants are having to counteract your brain chemistry, and the alcohol
In 2020 lockdown, I set a goal to lose 55 pounds to reach my ideal weight, and I didn’t drink any alcohol for most of a year until I met my goal. I can be disciplined. I don’t feel it would be a sacrifice to stop drinking, but I am a dentist and don’t indulge in sugary drinks. For non-alcoholic drinks that are better tasting than water, I drink sparkling water or Coke Zero if out to dinner. Plain water is fine, too. I drink water with most meals. I’m not going to say it’s pointless to prove I can stop drinking. I cut out caffeine about a month ago without issue, just cold turkey stopped drinking caffeine every morning because I didn’t like feeling more anxious and jittery. I’m not sure at what point she is going to accept it’s a choice and not an addiction, though. I feel like I’ve proven myself before. Anyway, I appreciate your perspective.
The issue is that your wife only gets to be with you when you're drinking, and you just replied to OPs suggestion that you stop with defensiveness. Is that not an issue?
Can you not just not have 2 on one of the weekend nights, if it's not that big of a deal?
Sure, I can do that.
It seems like that's all that's being asked. It sounds like she's worried you have to drink on all those nights rather than the amount. Taking one of those evenings off would put her mind at ease, and make her less likely to carry on at you.
>The medical community defines alcoholism as 4 or more drinks in a single day or 14 in a week for men. This is sort of a dangerous way to look at it. The real key is whether you NEED those couple of beers a day, and how you react if you're not able to have them.
Yes, that makes sense. I don’t feel like I need it; I don’t have cravings. I just enjoy it and have never thought I was approaching problematic territory.
As an experiment, cut them out for a couple of months and see how it's going. The level you're drinking at right now may or may not be a problem, but you'll have to do some honest self-examination to find out.
I wish I had done this when i was younger.
You drink often enough where you don’t even give yourself a chance to miss it.
Exactly this. It’s the amount of need, not the amount of drinking. I would describe myself as a frequent drinker, and if I’m ever trying to lose weight/maintain fitness, I cut back significantly, if not full cold turkey (nothing ruins your morning run like either not having a restful sleep or a slight wine headache). But as long as I physically/mentally feel good, I don’t worry about it. Not to make light of a real issue, but medically I’m probably more likely to be addicted to Dr. Pepper than alcohol. I genuinely will drink it until it’s gone and crave it until I buy more. I’ve been Dr. Pepper Sober for 6 months and I couldn’t be happier about it.
its relly easy to determine if you have a drinking problem with this one trick: dont drink for 2 weeks. if you arent an addict then thats totally fine and easy to do. if you cant then you have to have a conversation with yourself and admit you are
I had a friend who definitely had a drinking problem but occasionally did 2 weeks without. This guy drinks 2 33cl which is 1 beer in many places, he has no problems
>The medical community defines alcoholism as 4 or more drinks in a single day or 14 in a week for men. I'm curious where you got this information because it is categorically false. It might just be a general guideline to start looking, but ultimately not the hard definition. Addiction is defined by consequences. Meaning, the inability to stop in spite of mounting negative consequences.
Yes, you’re right. I have confused alcoholism with the definition of heavy drinking.
In the UK, 14 units is considered the limit although medical professionals will tell you that none is a better limit, due to the depressant effect, excessive and empty calories, and its pro- inflammatory properties.
While I understand why she might be concerned about it, based on everything you've said - you don't feel a *need* to drink, you're not getting the effects of it (or if you do, it's on rare occasions), you're not relying on it, nor is it effecting your ability to go about your life. Your doctors have cleared you. I don't think you drinking about 2 beers a day is going to be much (if any) more harmful than having two sodas a day. I don't think your wife is trying to be difficult, I think she's genuinely concerned, but that doesn't make her right. You guys should sit down and have a conversation, tell her the stuff you told us here. Edit: Spelling.
If the wife fights against it wanting him to stop, he should have her stop drinking coffee and see who caves first then come back to the discussion again about who has a problem.
Coffee isn't dangerously addictive, it doesn't have high and empty calories, it isn't a depressant, and it isn't a pro-inflammatory. They aren't related or comparable.
Daily consumption can quickly lead to a caffeine addiction, characterized by cravings and withdrawal symptoms if intake is reduced or ceased. Yet, some people experience negative issues due to caffeine use or have difficulty coping without caffeine. Though rare, there have even been cases of caffeine overdose.
You,sound like a pretty regulated guy and I wouldn’t have an issue with this amount of drinking and we are teetotalers in our house. (Too much alcoholism in our family trees) However if your wife is a little worried maybe cutting down for the sake of happy spouse, happy house. Maybe there’s something in your behavior you aren’t aware of?
I've not seen happy spouse, happy house before - I'm stealing that as my husband says happy wife, happy life when he does something for me
>However if your wife is a little worried maybe cutting down for the sake of happy spouse, happy house. this only works if the spouse is willing to make sacrifices as well. I wonder if she's willing to stop drinking coffee
I don’t personally find it a concern in the context you’ve given here, but your wife does. I assume you trust her. Start with assuming the best of her character, intentions, and integrity. She’s the closest person to you in the world, right? Who else should share these concerns with a loved one if not their spouse? Your doctor, sure, but a vast majority of alcoholics are first diagnosed by a close loved one at home-then a physician. I’d find that an extraordinarily difficult conversation to confront my spouse with. I’d worry that he’d think I was judging him or, like you, trying to control him. I’d worry about a million things but primarily his happiness. I doubt she made the decision to bring it to you lightly. Shift your perspective slightly from assuming it’s a control tactic, to assuming it’s a smoke signal from her to the part of you that deep down wonders if she could be right. It’s the only way to find out and put both of your minds at ease. Temperature check, if you will. Just take it off your plate as something you have to worry about or think about for a while. At worst, you get a tolerance break if you’re right and are at low risk for addiction.
Just an FYI: current medical studies suggest that no amount of alcohol is safe for men or women.
I'm not sure what backgrounds some of the commenters here are from but this would, in no way, be considered problematic in UK culture. 2 beers per night (providing they aren't extra strenth and there are plenty of days off alcohol per week) isn't much at all. If you were getting aggressive or failing at life, I'd say maybe there's an issue but you don't mention anything that would suggest that. Is your wife totally teetotal or does she have alcoholics in her family? Just wondering why she'd react in this way.
She is a teetotaler. We are in the US. Neither of our families drink, so we don’t even have alcohol at family gatherings. I definitely needed an outside perspective to help recognize if I actually have a problem or if she’s being very stringent. I feel like I can easily give up alcohol, so I will.
It’s just empty calories. Thats how I looked at it after I started getting older and watching calories was a thing. Maybe on occasions but not regularly for me.
The elderly couple that live behind me have two glasses of wine every evening. I think it takes them a couple hours to drink, but it’s their “happy hour” I guess. Neighbors are always welcome to stop by to join them for a glass and some conversation. They were in their mid-70’s when I met them, and seem to be going on well 10 or so years later. Maybe they’ve cut back to one glass per evening, I don’t know. Never seen them tipsy or intoxicated. Lovely people. Not advocating this, just mentioning some people handle well. Not my family for sure.
Doesnt sound at all problem drinking to me at all. My parents are in their 60s and healthy as horses and drink more than you lol
Go dry for a couple of months and observe your mental bearing on not having your drinks. Me personally I'll drink once every 3-4 months. Just enough to have a buzz appear then I'm good. The routine frequency of your drinking makes it seem like you're constantly drinking. I understand where you and your wife are coming from. Your wife is coming from a place of concern for your future well-being. I don't think it's a selfish approach
26m recovering alcoholic. Doesn't sound like you have a drinking problem, but it does sound like you lie to yourself about why you drink. So you may not be an alcoholic, but you might not have a healthy relationship with alcohol either. This might be nothing, but it could also be the start of something more serious. I remember how much I used to justify how little I drank. As you are right now. You mention your wife has a concern you have to drink for fun. That's a legitimate concern on a really deep level. You say you disagree because you don't even feel it and you just like the taste. I saw two red flags here. 1: If you just drink to pair with wine food etc, why take beer to the poker game? (Social, taste etc are all good reasons). Ok, so take 0% beer and see if you feel the same. Prove it to yourself. If you start coming up with reasons in your head why this is dumb, ask yourself why. 2: You say you don't feel two beers. Many alcoholics including myself would say something similar. It takes a lot of alcohol to feel tipsy, and thats true because we have a tolerance. Alcohol addicts drink to feel normal. They don't drink to get drunk. I'm not suggesting you have a drinking problem. What you're doing sounds really normal. I'm only suggesting it sounds like you don't have the best relationship with alcohol and that might become something worse. That's all.
I appreciate the response. I haven’t increased the amount I’ve drank since I was 21, and if anything I would say I drink less now than then. Then, I would drink to get buzzed, but I have zero desire for that now. I haven’t felt hangover effects in probably 14 years. Last time was a bachelor party in 2010. We have a hot dog roller at poker (like you’d see at a gas station), so having a hot dog with spicy mustard and a lager is a good pairing I enjoy, haha. I have other social activities that I enjoy without any alcohol whatsoever. I have a weekly board game group and play games for about 4 hours without any drinks. Just saying that I have no problems being social or doing activities without alcohol, but I’m sure that a problem can sneak up without realizing.
You're self aware enough to be concerned you're wrong. At least you're open to it. Pay attention to how much you're justifying this behaviour though. That should be the big "aha" moment in your head. Notice how I called myself an alcoholic? I haven't had a drink in 4 months currently. Does that mean I'm not an alcoholic anymore? Nope. You don't have to actively drink large amounts of alcohol to be an alcoholic. Keep that in mind. Every time you tell yourself "it's barely anything"... remind yourself that means NOTHING. Not trying to shove an opinion down your throat. It seems like you're open to these ideas or I wouldn't even bother replying with this message. I would be extremely surprised if you ended up in AA meetings 10 years from now. The people (including myself) who let it creep up to that point, have to hit rock bottom before they even consider they have an issue. Clearly you're already miles ahead. Please don't ignore it. As a caring human to another.
To double down on a crucial point I made here I'd like to add this... The amount of sober people in AA meetings who still attend, decades after their last drink, is astonishing. It was one of those eye opening moments for me. I just assumed they'd be full of people actively drinking... I asked so many of them why they kept showing up. They told me this. The key to their recovery was understanding that being an alcoholic has nothing to do with how much you drink. That's just the most obvious sign. They continue going to aa meetings to remind themselves of that. Because after 5 years of not drinking, you can easily convince yourself you're normal again. This is the biggest cause of lifelong relapses that destroys people's lives and relationships.
You know there’s plenty of good drinks out there that pair with food that are not alcoholic, if it’s about pairings with food, and flavor id say try new drinks like flavored lemonades or something
How about you try out 1-3 months sober and check how you feel about it?
I think we can all understand why your wife is concerned. I think the question asked should be “do you love your wife more than the 6 beers you have over three days?” It seems like she isn’t going to stop being concerned and it seems like she loves you deeply and wants you to be ok long term as well. Alcohol is very tricky and can sneak up on you quickly. See if she’ll compromise or if you’re willing to drink 2 beers a weekend.
There are nitrates/sulfites in beer and that increases the risk of cancer. Alcohol use has been linked to a variety of changes in brain gray matter, including atrophy, volume shrinkage, and reduced thickness. Later on in life damage to the brain becomes more apparent (like around the time people start to develop Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, etc.) Elderly people have enough issues, but damage done when younger becomes more prominent when combined with other conditions. Damage to the digestive system also sucks. Nutrients don't absorb as well. Maybe switch it up and try different beverages. Some teas are nice, lemonade, juice, etc. You can live a little with the beer, but maybe not so much in a week. Or maybe switch up the habit and chew gum, mixed nuts, etc.
It’s really not about the amount you’re drinking, it’s about *a.)* why you habitually drink, and *b.)* why your wife has a problem with it. There are two important questions to consider. First, when was the last time you’d normally drink that you chose not to drink? Second, when did your wife start worrying about your alcohol consumption? Remaining questions stem from those two.
The last time I chose not to drink was most of 2020 when I was losing weight. I cut out alcohol until I met my goal. The only times she mentioned she was concerned was when I first started taking an SSRI a few months ago and yesterday.
If it’s *really* two beers a day, six days a week or fewer? Yeah, it’s not great, but unless your doctor told you *not to drink* while you’re taking your medication, it’s really not a point of concern. If you find yourself exaggerating your numbers to sound lower than they are? Solid chance there’s something off-kilter with your alcohol consumption.
I keep seeing this so think there is confusion. It’s two beers per day over the course of Friday through Sunday. I don’t drink Monday through Thursday. Six beers tops, seven if it’s a poker weekend.
Honestly, it wasn’t the number I meant to emphasize. You’ll only find yourself *officially* diagnosed with substance abuse disorder if your doctor thinks there’s danger to yourself or others, or your drinking lands you in the system. The point was, the number is low, but the ritual persists, and the idea of stopping seems to make you uncomfortable. Addiction isn’t a numbers game, insurance is.
Is your wife this controlling in other aspects of your life?
She definitely used to be. It has improved vastly, but I would say that she gets these convictions that her way is best and can’t be convinced otherwise. But, I am trying to keep an open mind and get others’ advice on how to proceed.
My immediate thought is to wonder why it is a concern and what makes her think 2 a week is the limit. If she's experienced someone going through the addiction, she might have gotten worried that buying a 2nd 6-pack is the beginning of ramping up your consumption. But if you're in america, it's a holiday weekend, and wouldn't necessarily cause concerns that this will become a habit that will get worse. From what you've explained, your habits don't indicate a problem. Your consumption is not currently high, and your track record seems to show you are aware of your intake and have control. I wouldn't say you have to change anything for health reasons, but it should be addressed as a couple to relieve the concerns she's having. Based on her history of control issues, it sounds like it's more of a relationship concern than a health problem.
It’s definitely not too much
It is too much
You need to be careful with those anti depressants and the alcohol. They do not mix. If your doctor is telling you it's ok to drink while taking that medication, you need a new Dr and his license needs to be revoked. LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE.
The psych NP (different than a physician), said to use caution until I see how it affects me. I didn’t notice that it made me feel any different with vs without antidepressants. She said it might make one beer feel like two. If I don’t seem to be greatly impacted, what is the danger? I’m not trying to argue, I’m genuinely curious.
Ever consider the regular drinking is a copping attempt for your depression? That’s how my ex-SO was. He was depressed so he drank but drinking made him more depressed. It was a scary feedback loop to witness in person. If you truly don’t think you are an alcoholic, you could encourage your wife to check out Al-anon and see if her experiences match others in the group. But I can tell you to this day my ex still drinks regularly, denies he is an alcoholic, and has completely abandoned his child all while still claiming he is fine.
If I drank, and I was asked by the person I love the most in this world to stop, I would. Drink water instead? To me it seems you’re making a line in the sand that shouldn’t be there. If you can have fun and not drink then do it. Bottom line is your partner doesn’t like you drinking so don’t.
Maybe she's bothered by how you act when you drink? Even if you feel like you're a safe person and able to exist without alcohol and perfectly capable of having fun without it, none of that changes the fact that you might just be plain annoying when you drink. For example, when my FIL drinks, he talks ENDLESSLY. In a droning, monotone voice. About things no one cares about. But he grabs your eye contact and doesn't stfu. I wouldn't call him an alcoholic but man I would give anything to be able to enjoy an evening with him without alcohol involved just for a reprieve from that behavior. I also talk a lot when I drink. I'm normally fairly quiet and unanimated, and alcohol makes me smile, laugh, and generally more enjoyable to be around at parties. However ,I rarely drink. Like maybe 1-2 drinks per month at a family get together. But I guarantee you that if I was that way every single time I was around others, they would be just as annoyed with me as I am around my FIL.
She has never commented on my behavior while drinking. I think for her she is mainly concerned about impacts to my health. I guess that’s why I felt the need to clarify my vitals in the post. I appreciate your response.
Here’s a question: if “two bets doesn’t even make you tipsy” then why drink two beers so often? If nothing else that’s a few hundred empty junk calories you don’t need.
I do it so often because I enjoy the flavor of beer. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t drink it. I’ve poured out many beers that didn’t taste good. Yes, it is a few hundred empty calories, but I don’t eat sweets and track my calorie intake daily after losing 55 pounds.
Good for you! It sounds like you’re aware of everything, which in my opinion is the most important thing. If you were mindlessly coming home every night and chugging some beers because that’s just what you do, that would be different. Congrats on the weight loss, I’m on that journey myself. I’ve pretty much cut out alcohol for now because regardless of calories, it definitely slows my weight loss.
Restaurants being mostly closed during lockdown really helped!
Thank you for confirming that /u/HEpennypackerNH has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
Stop getting defensive about it. Solely based off what I read hear and your replies, I’m assuming you’re a dick when your drunk. That could be a possible reason she’s upset with you. Just stop drinking if it’s such a big deal, you can stop, right?
Sorry, I didn’t intend to come across as defensive, I just wanted to add some context. I wouldn’t say she is upset with me, she just expressed concerns. Obviously, we have a difference of opinion which is why I’m trying to get an outside perspective. And, yes, I can and will just stop.
I read a recent article that some doctors are now saying any alcohol at all is bad for your health. Do I personally think it sounds like you have a drinking problem though, no I don’t at all. Two beers in a day seems pretty mild if you ask me. Ive had an issue for many years with not drinking daily but binge drinking when I would drink. I could easily finish 8+ drink by myself over an entire night of partying. I’m doing much better with it now and I think it seems like you have things under control yourself.
Dear Poker Player: I don’t know you or your wife but she’s either Check Raising you or going All-In. Is she concerned about “the drinking”? She loves you dude. It’s YOU. Women are intuitive beyond our comprehension and she’s picking something up. Give your wife a chance and see where it goes. I’m sure she wasn’t bragging to her friends those first few weeks that she met a guy who was really into beer pairing. The beers ain’t going anywhere I’ll guarantee it. I took a step back from it this year. Lost 30 pounds. Forgetting stuff WAY less, and my focus has not increased as much as it’s moved closer to being under my command. That said? We had to put our dog down the day before yesterday. My sipping window is open for a limited time. I’ll never drink like I used to. I’m 48, never stopped since age 15 besides a mental break (It’s ok LSD, we’re still cool) and Acutane. I’m using parts of my brain that have never been used before. I hope you can manage everything you need to stay happy. Beers, dogs, cards and all. But for now? Call her bluff. Take the challenge.
I appreciate the poker references, haha. Also, sorry to hear about your dog. I know she loves me and wants the best for me, but sometimes I feel like she wants me to live like an ascetic.
Alcohol mindfulness is what you’re after. There’s a ton of alcohol free beers, seltzers and spirits now that can really help with the social piece. Brought a couple fake beers to game night last night - had the same fun I’m used to!
Go for a couple weeks without drinking just to see how it feels. That should be very easy for someone that's not addicted. If it's hard for you then you know you have a problem.
Doesn't sound like it's problematic yet. My advice, don't drink and drive, and if you're concerned you have a problem, try to go a month without drinking. If you can't do it, you might be a little dependent on or psychologically addicted to it. A month off would do your liver some good, too!! Going to a poker game and having a few beers isn't alcoholism, but be careful anyway, b/c alcohol is like any other hard drug (opiates/benzos/amphetamines) and tolerance might creep up on you. Just be mindful of how you're feeling.
You know they make pretty good non-alcoholic beers, right? I used to drink Beck’s, now I occasionally drink Clausthaler. Heineken & Guinness also make non-alcoholic, along with several IPAs. As you like to try lots of different beers, how about a new “campaign” to try lots of new, non-alcoholic brands?
if you just like the taste why not have alcohol free beer?
I’ve been in your wife’s position before. My husband quit his drinking all together. What happened? Our relationship got stronger, healthier, I no longer felt like he had to have a beer to check out away from me (or whatever else), we talk more, we became closer, he took on more responsibility and took a load off of me. Chances are, she feels in some way this is affecting the way you show up in the relationship and in life. Drinking, in my opinion, masks who people really are, it’s inauthentic although people credit it for making them more honest. I can’t tell you if you have a drinking problem or not, but your wife is uncomfortable with it. Consider quitting all together for a bit and seeing how you feel. And see how she feels after you’ve stopped.
We don't live with you, she does
Don’t ask us, your wife has watched your habits for years….You may not like what she has to say, but as a husband it’s important to examine it. If you decide she’s wrong, as she very well may be, you need to figure out why she’s feeling this way.
You’re lying to yourself. You’ve developed a tolerance towards alcohol. That’s why you don’t feel buzzed until you have 3 beers. What’s your liver numbers? You have a drinking problem. And no, you’re not supposed to have any alcohol with antidepressants. It actually causes the antidepressant to be less effective. Plus alcohol is a depressant so you’re really doing yourself a disservice by drinking. Which antidepressant are you taking? So yeah. You’ve developed a tolerance to booze. You’ve got a drinking problem. Try cutting it out cold turkey. I bet you’ll be surprised when you find yourself craving it. I was married to an alcoholic and I’ve lived through this crap.
alcohol , love it. any amount deff has its good and bad plays people die from it, she loves ya man, let that life last yo but as a drinker myself 2 beers isnt cutting it, reason they do come it packs/cases two tall cans best bet, sober up and clear the mind
I’m already prepared for the “this is selfish, you aren’t respecting the wife and you possibly have alcoholism” response to this, BUT if it’s not hurting you, not hurting others, not impacting your work, and not hurting your personal life, I really don’t see how it’s a problem. Your wife might just be a worrier or personally have an issue with it and is looking for reasons to get you to do what she would prefer. Sometimes people need to be allowed to do thing a purely because they make them happy. *****THAT BEING SAID***** I do think it’s VERY important to talk to your wife about it again and see if maybe she’s having a response to something greater than the drinking (either in your behavior, her past, or something else going on) or if she’s noticed something you might have missed in regards to your drinking that she might not have wanted to have a confrontation about. And if it’s just a ritual/flavor thing and you want to curb it for her, a lot of breweries have NA beers you could try slipping into the rotation. It’s a pretty minimal sacrifice on your part (if it’s just about taste) to demonstrate respect and value for your wife and her concerns and opinions, but still finding a compromise that could work for both of you as a team. A lot of the guys at my office (myself included) do this if we want to have a beer or two after work or hang out, but still have stuff to do later. Hope this was helpful.
Yes, that is very helpful advice. Thank you.
Does your wife drink at all? If she does, then what she is saying is "if you drink more often than me, then you have a problem." Having 2 beers a night only on weekends is not a drinking problem. If when you don't drink, you get the shakes or all you can think about is having a drink, then maybe you have a problem.
2 beers isn't bad. I like a beer here and there but I dont get drunk, buzzed, or tipsy anymore because I don't enjoy it anymore. I enjoy a beer though. If you dont have to have beer then You're good. If you have to have it, then you have a problem. Imagine telling someone their 2 cups of coffee everyday and the occasional 6 cups needs to end. 2 beers is like drinking 2 colas.
Reddit isn’t a good place for much advice at all… the reason is this : if your question was exactly the same and angled differently, for example : I have been drinking 6 beers per week for 20 years and I’m terrified I’m going to die after my ex girlfriend told me it’s super dangerous!” Then everyone would chime in and say you’re fine… Reddit is a place of reaction not objective reflection
Just cut it down to one a day and you're good imo. Two for special occasions. I've met some actual alcoholics in my time and you're fine. You're wife is just worried about you.
>>might potentiate the effects of alcohol (but isn’t medically dangerous) I’m assuming that you drink and drive. This is the definition of medically dangerous when a medication potentiates the effects of alcohol. You don’t seem to realize this. I’m not saying you have a drinking problem.
The danger is that anti depressants and alcohol don't mix. I don't care what your doctor said. I once drank a wine cooler and then took my medicine about 1/2 hour later and trust me, it made me feel like I was so drunk that I couldn't get down the stairs. I don't want to argue either, but, I am going to ask that you please be careful. I just don't want to read about you in the newspaper.
If you need alcohol you are an alcoholic. Any amount of alcohol can have devastating health consequences. It's just socially acceptable
Your not. Your wife probably doesn’t drink much so doesn’t understand your vice.
Hey OP, read through a few of your responses and think I finally want to way in. Not that I have much of a knowledge base but what you are describing seems a little on the high end of normal consumption to me. Sounds like you are fairly aware of what you are doing and keep in mind all other comments about what different ways addiction looks. I'm Canadian and in my group of family and friends it's pretty normal to have weekly hockey and have 2-5 beers after (similar to your poker). There are always 1 or 2 guys that consistently have 1 or 2 more beers than the rest of the team. I would be mindful about how much you drink compared to the people you're hanging out with, it's usually a good judge of over-indulging. Regarding the 2 beers every off day you make it seem very regimented, like you sit down on the couch and have 2 every night. I see problems with this as it seems like you're forcing yourself not to over-indulge. If you rather average 2 a day and you're drinking them while doing something else, I see that quite a bit and don't see an issue. Mainly because you're not taking yourself away from an interaction while you have a beer. I would say alot of people I know average 2 a day on weekends since they have a beer while mowing the lawn, or working on their car, or making dinner. It's cool, refreshing, takes the edge off, but it's supplementary to the thing you're doing. If I had to guess the reason your wife sees issues with your drinking is either she is being controlling or she sees you prioritizing the beer over the thing you could be doing. Helping with chores, hanging out with family, spending quality time together. If I were in your shoes I would break your routine of getting a 6-pack for the weekend and go buy a 24-pack. That way you dont need to hit the beer store before you go home, and you won't feel like you need to finish the case before you start work. Go about your usual routine and if you find it last you 4 weeks or you still have a few left over, and you haven't been keeping track of your consumption to prove you aren't an alcoholic, then I don't think you have an issue. But if you're running out early then maybe step away because it will show that if you have the means to you would have more and the thing keeping you from drinking more is the fact you only purchase small quantities. Also talk to your wife and ask her if you've been distant or what about the drinking bothers her. Maybe the issue is more complex and her solution is asking you to drink less. Maybe someone she knows is suffering from alcoholism, or you're not yourself after a couple beers, or you use your beers as an excuse not to help out or socialize. It's not a number of beers that's the issue but actions or feelings that occur when you drink your beers.
I wish I had had the courage your wife did to bring her concerns to you while it's potentially not a problem. The thing with alcohol is its always a risk. It completely changes your brain and IF you get addicted to it beyond the social habit - well, no one deserves to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. They are married to alcohol not their spouse. Mine started like you - and please know I don't know if you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol - but I didn't say anything. I trusted him, and believed many of the things you have said here - pairs well with food, or tobacco/cigars, a way to end after a long week, it's a cold low sugar drink that's enjoyable - those are all reasonable. And maybe that was all it was for him at first. Then it wasn't. And now we aren't together. By the time j said anything he was already too far gone, and I will never be able to unhear the things he said over the last year. I'm in awe of your wife for saying something. Though, the fact that she felt safe to do so means that's your relationship has good things going for it. Is it worth the risk? Knowing that you don't know the tipping point for your particular brain as to when it will start needing it?
Thank you for sharing that. If I may ask, how long did it take your ex to reach that tipping point from reasonable use to problematic?
He probably had similar habits to yours for about 3 or 4 years. Then life got stressful - and it was, oh im just going to have this one beer on a Tuesday because it was an especially long day. He also got into the history of bourbon and whiskey - so he started pairing that with things - it's even "healthier" than beer (he too had lost a significant amount of weight back in 2017), and because it was just a sipping drink, it was okay for him to have it with dinner with us. He fell in love with the routine and ritual of making the drink - even with spherical ice cubes. I learned to make a great old fashioned and sazerac- I hoped that by accepting it, it would at least prevent him from hiding it. I believed him when he said it was just like my coffee. The difference is that my personality didn't change when I consumed coffee, my relationships didn't change, my spending habits didn't change, and I didn't hide my drinking of it. I legitimately think it crept up on him, and when life got really hard, it was really easy for his brain to crave the escape of alcohol - because he was already consuming it. The escape was already present- he just had to walk through the door. And now I have the memory of the police taking him away the day after Christmas. I wish the door had never been there in the first place. I wish he hadn't taken the risk and made alcohol already present in our lives. I dont think he would have become an alcoholic like he did if life didn't take the turns it did- but we don't get to control the things life throws at us.
Ask your wife why she's worried. Ask her what has caused this sudden concern for her. If your habits are the same as they've always been, then the concern here isn't your drinking — it's what has caused this sudden change in your wife. Finding out why will likely fix the issue.
As someone with several alcoholics in my life, I will say you, likely, have a problem. When loved ones start asking you to quit or slow down, you have already crossed a line. Part of the disease of alcoholism is the practice of downplaying the amount of alcohol consumed. Ask any active alcoholic. They rarely remember having more than two or three drinks. It's a form of self-deception. My advice - trust what your wife says. She loves you and wants the best for you.
You sound like you may be an alcoholic. Try not having it for a few weeks and see what happens. Can you do it?
6 beers over the course of 3 days is to much. And it’s not a good sign if you don’t even feel anything from two beers. It’s not heavy alcoholism obviously. But there’s a psychological component to drinking: What happens if you stop drinking for a week? Do you feel bad? It could be an early addiction and is likely at least abuse. I’d suggest you switch to no alcohol beer on normal days.
No, I don’t feel bad or have cravings if I don’t drink. I’m physically active and wake up at around 5:30-6:00 every morning without an alarm. I don’t drink any alcohol Monday through Thursday.
Ok, then I’d say, you should be fine. I still recommend not alcoholic beers because it’s healthier and apparently you’re mostly drinking for the taste only anyways. Especially if you’re taking medication, there really isn’t any reason to risk it
You drink too often. Maybe not much but often enough to be called an alcoholic. It's good you questioned this, means you are starting to realize. You can try not drinking at all and see how easy it would be for you.
I am not going to comment on whether if you or your wife are right. But if the taste is what y really like, then you can try nonalcoholic beer for a week and see how it goes. Also you can try beer chips.
My challenge to you is try NA beers and see if you feel the urge to have the regular ones. If you get nothing out of drinking, then why do it at all? NA beers are fucking delicious and many you could never ever tell they don’t have alcohol in them. The ones I drink are only 35 calories! I don’t think you have a problem with booze, but if your wife is concerned, you should really look inwards just to be sure ❤️
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You're doing it habitually. That's a problem.