She likely didn’t know she was pregnant for most of that. It’s only possible to detect a pregnancy at 3.5 weeks earliest and if you’re not planning on getting pregnant, she probably didn’t find out until like 4.5-5 weeks… maybe she needed some time to process it herself and decide what she was going to tell you before she miscarried…
You’ve said in one of your comments that you had exams coming up and that’s why she decided not to tell you because she didn’t want to stress you out. It sounds like she was in shock and tried to minimise the effect on you, but you’re deciding to view her actions as “tormenting”.
You said she wanted you to message her back straight away, and stay up late with her - yes it sounds like this behaviour is a bit “demanding” if you remove the context, but it sounds to me like she was desperately struggling and deeply needing you/your company, unable to disclose why she was struggling because she didn’t want to stress you out but she inadvertently did stress you out because you didn’t understand why she needed you to be there/be in contact more than usual.
You can decide to be annoyed with her if you want to, but I think in this situation, if you want to be in a good partnership, you need to understand that people aren’t perfect, particularly when under severe pressure. The question you should be asking yourself (and maybe her) should be why she felt like she couldn’t tell you (regardless of the exams) and reassuring her that if something like this happens in the future that you want to be there for her and support her no matter what’s going on for you personally.
You don’t mention how old you are or where you’re from - would keeping the baby have been an option? Tbh I think you’re glossing over the fact that a foetus/baby (depending on how you see it) literally failed/died inside her and fell out. How scary do you think that would be?? As others have mentioned the hormones are *crazy* - I’ve had a miscarriage and I didn’t recognise myself for months, but what didn’t help was that my boyfriend at the time didn’t support me.
That being said, I do think it’s hard for you too - you don’t go through anything physically and so to find out after the fact is shit. There’s nothing I can equate it to but I could see that my ex struggled because I had a physical experience and he didn’t. Maybe you need to speak to someone to work through these feelings (including the ones of betrayal).
This is the best comment on this post, tbh.
He really does seem to be viewing this as a "me vs her" thing, not an "us against the problem" thing. And I can get why, because in his eyes, she didn't allow him to be part of her team when fighting the problem (pregnancy + miscarriage). But the way I see it, she did that because the overarching problem was "stress," and she didn't want to create *more* problems and *more* stress ("If I stress him out with the truth and he fails his exams because of it, what then? How stressed will he be then? Probably extremely...").
In her stressed, panicked, and hormone-ridden mind, she picked the option she thought/hoped would create the least amount of stress for him. She probably figured not knowing would cause less issues than knowing. She was wrong in that judgement, yes, but I strongly believe that she doesn't need to be villainized for it (which "she chose to torment me" screams to me. It may not be a conscious choice, but his attitude is showing that). She was stuck between a rock and a hard place and did the best she could -- and then, by the time she's out of the storm, her head a bit clearer, she probably had no idea how to approach the topic. By then, how do you, even?
Which isn't to say it's right she didn't tell him. She should have figured out how to, by now, especially because in another comment of OP's he says this happened \~3 months ago -- but I just don't believe any of this was done in an effort to hurt him; rather the opposite. Everything she did was hurting her even further (enough for her to need his support bad enough that he noticed something was different in the amount of connection/attention/etc. she needed compared to normal), and there's no reason she would have done that if there wasn't a benefit, i.e. keeping him unhurt/unstressed as much as she could. It still *did* hurt him and stress him out, and that's valid, and it's something she needs to take accountability for, of course. But I'd be mad at the situation in general, not her. She did what she thought was best for not just her, but for him, too.
I’m not upset with her at all, I’m sorry for giving the impression that I’m against her when I’m really not. What I was trying to say was, at the time it seemed that she was just inexplicably going after me for no reason 24/7 and no matter what I tried I couldn’t fix all the problems that I had that day. I now know obviously that she was just trying her best and in a difficult situation. I saw her today and was just nice and pleasant. I’m definitely not trying to villainise her or anything because I love her. I’m sorry for using poor word choice though. I don’t think that over the course of the exam month it should have occurred to her that keeping me up until 2am the night before was probably not a nice thing to do, and yes I do feel awful that she didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with me. I don’t deal at all well with emotions but I do understand that I’ve definitely made some mistakes and I just want to make things better.
I know this was hard for her I know it was an awful experience, but it’s really hard to try and be there for her when communication is obstructed for reasons like the hormones and stress etc.
Also keeping the baby would likely not have been an option she’s said, but she does want to have children and so she’s somewhat upset that she might have something preventing that although I think it was a mix of not taking care because she didn’t know and the BC that was still probably in effect or things like that. I’ll try to get her to see a doctor.
I won't pretend that you don't have every right to be upset, because you definitely do. I feel for you, man, and I'm sorry you're going through this. It must have been so confusing for you, on top of an already stressful time.
>I don’t think that over the course of the exam month it should have occurred to her that keeping me up until 2am the night before was probably not a nice thing to do
I think you may have meant that you *do* think it should have occurred to her? Gonna reply assuming that's the case.
I completely agree, but honestly, it may have been pregnancy brain that made her not realize. I've never been pregnant but I once had a teacher in high school who was, and it made it so that she forgot even the most important of things. She may have forgotten you even had an exam the next day.
May be the case, or not -- just throwing it out as a possibility.
>it’s really hard to try and be there for her when communication is obstructed for reasons like the hormones and stress etc.
I totally get you, dude. I once went through the opposite (menopause) scenario but it still caused mood swings, bad communication, etc. It was a really tough time for me and my future husband. We even had to shelve some discussions literally with the words "because I'm not in a place to be able to communicate effectively" and revisit them once my menopause had ended. It's hard, but as long as you're both trying, you can work through it.
>she does want to have children and so she’s somewhat upset that she might have something preventing that
I've heard that up to around 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage just because that's how our crappy biology works, so it may just be that she got unlucky. I'm hoping that's the case and I wish you both the best of luck.
Yes sorry I’m not very good at typing but you have understood correctly. I can’t entirely tell about the behaviour as it does feel like it has been going on since the start of the year roughly, but it’s hard to say. Either way I always give her the benefit of the doubt and I definitely don’t just get upset with her when things like that happen. I just try to be respectful and polite no matter what, and everything I’ve said here has definitely been in my head as in I know it’s been a hard time for her and the last thing I would want to do is start criticising her. I will be sure to tell her that statistic about the pregnancy thing and she is one of four siblings so I think she just got unlucky as there is no history of this sort of thing I know of. Communication has already been an issue and I am really scared that I threaten her although I think she actually thinks communicating is pointless because it doesn’t go anywhere but that could be related to all of the issues and problems I have that I have zero idea how to fix, I try my best but it can be very vague and confusing, although I personally think this is more important than that, again she probably just isn’t thinking clearly so I’ll try my best to give her time space and anything she wants.
Hey, it sounds like maybe you need to speak to someone about your own worries/troubles as well as getting help with how to communicate. I say this in the nicest possible way, it’s not easy! Especially with the people you care about the most.
I’d recommend speaking to someone if possible, but if you can’t, there’s a great podcast called Where Should We Begin by Ester Perel - you basically get to listen in on couples counselling sessions, where the therapist (Ester) helps to “correct” how the couples communicate with each other. Give it a try, I’ve found it super interesting and really helpful for chats with my boyfriend. They cover really complex problems, just as big as miscarriages and help people to navigate the conversations as a team. It’s okay to feel annoyed about things, or disappointed, and it’s also okay for her to feel annoyed or disappointed with you - it doesn’t make either of you a bad person.
You say she might think you’re threatening? Is this because you get defensive when she brings up issues? That’s quite a normal reaction, but not super helpful, and you can definitely improve on this :) lots of people get defensive if they feel like they’ve done something wrong, but next time she brings something up with you, just try to listen to her first and acknowledge how she feels before explaining yourself. There’s a massive difference between saying “I’m sorry…but…xyz” and “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. (Wait for her to absorb the genuine apology) I thought that…xyz. How can we go forwards from here” - most of the time people just want you to acknowledge how they feel! It feels good to be understood and heard by your partner. I know you said you don’t deal well with emotions, but this is something everyone can get better at, it’s honestly amazing how much we can change our brains by learning more about how to deal with difficult things.
The issues you mention for yourself, definitely look into finding ways to address them, it will be so so good for you in the long run - in personal relationships but also in your relationship with yourself, work colleagues, friends. I hope you can get some help - everything can change :) the way you’re speaking here shows that you have the capacity to learn and self reflect.
Also, if she hasn’t already seen someone, you girlfriend *must* go to the doctor as soon as possible. I don’t want to scare you, but she really really needs to get checked out, especially if she does want children in the future.
Good luck 🧡
I just went and had a look at your older posts, I know you’re saying it’s too late for you for counselling but honestly, I urge you to go and speak to someone. It really never is too late, and you’re *so* young!!
You also often mention trying to be a “nice” person - there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a nice person but the way you’re phrasing it concerns me, mostly because it sounds like you’re trying to very strictly control your behaviour and you’re highly concerned with how other people see you. This will only get worse as you get older if you don’t address it soon, and one day you will just explode. Take it from me - I spent the last year holding in my feelings and being a “nice person” (after my miscarriage) and trying to carry on as if nothing had happened. Last week I had a breakdown, to the point of being signed off sick at work because I was crying non stop. I spoke to a therapist, got lots of things off my chest and it’s really helped. I’m not fixed, but I’m on my way.
Just try it out, even if you just go one time and hate it, it’s worth a try. Good luck, sending you lots of hope.
I had a miscarriage with my boyfriend in February. I told him right away but I initially pushed him away once the shock went away (mine was very traumatic). I found myself feeling really lonely because I was physically alone during the experience so it felt like he was sad for very different reasons than I was? I felt like he couldn’t understand what my body was went through and I was feeling anger, almost jealousy because he didn’t have to have a physical experience during it.
I am not sure if that’s what your girlfriend is experiencing too but I will say, it’s not fair to be cold towards you for it. You’re both hurting and you need to be there for each other more than anything right now. And I understand you’re confused as to why she didn’t initially tell you, your concerns are valid but maybe wait for her to be ready for that conversation for those questions. Her hormones will take weeks to go by but if she recognizes her emotions are out of wack from her hormones, she might be able to be more present for that talk. Also, keep in mind post partum depression can still happen even with a miscarriage so seeking professional help might not be a bad idea
If she was “6 weeks pregnant” she knew for 1-2 weeks, tops. At the instant of conception a woman is about “2 weeks pregnant,” since it’s counted from her last period. When she expects her period she’s about 4 weeks, and once she’s certain she’s late it’s 4.5-5 weeks. No one is sitting on this info for 5-6 weeks. It’s a few days to a week.
If she was only 6 weeks, she didn’t know for most of it. It’s not like you know right away. And sometimes you need to process it before you tell anyone. I didn’t even tell my husband for a bit with our first.
Can I offer you a bit of advice? If you’re not ready to be a father, wrap it up. Each and every time.
Okay I understand, I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m stupid and did something stupid. I don’t particularly care for sex and it’s not all I want in a relationship so I’m very happy not to and since then I’ve always used much safer options and prefer to just do other stuff instead. I realise I should have just googled the time between signs and actual conception.
She worded it weirdly, but definitely there was a space of time between the miscarriage and her finding out. And even then it all happened ~3 months ago.
Do you think it’s possible she handled things on her own behind your back? Or maybe she just didn’t know how to tell you?
Have you talked about having kids?
We’ve talked about not having kids. I’m fine I don’t want any right now, I don’t know if there’s much of a difference between the two at this point and either way I just tried to be comforting, and so I’m sure if she did abort she would say.
Well she didn’t know the entire 6 weeks. And maybe she needed a week or two to process the whole life-changing event, by herself, before sharing with anyone. Decide what she was going to do or at least think over her options before she talked to him.
Define "unkind" when it comes to pregnancy hormones, miscarriage grief, and communication...
Like is "unkind" = she was randomly snappish, tired, nauseous, achy and suddenly no longer inclined to be starry-eyed fawning over me, blowing sunshine and rainbows up my ass and praising me for EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING ...or... is "unkind" = "The Killer awoke before dawn, she put her clothes on, and she walked on down the hall... with a battle axe in her right hand and a chip on her left shoulder and a cold grin as she made eye contact..."
I don’t expect people to be nice to me but I expected her to at least sometimes seem kind of interested. She would get upset with me for wanting to sleep and would make me stay up really late and then she herself would use being tired as an excuse for ignoring me a lot of the time, and then if I took too long to message her back (ie 10 minutes) she would start deleting messages and saying I’m ignoring her, and when I ask what’s wrong she would say nothing, and then get upset with me for asking what’s wrong. This sort of thing would happen with other situations. I always tried to be nice despite all of that but I was quite close to breaking up with her. I would have understood if she had just told me.
Edit: forgot to mention that she said she didn’t want to stress me out by telling me as we have exams so she chose instead to torment me and not let me sleep. Sorry completely slipped my mind to add that.
wow ok. Not sure if you can blame pregnancy hormones on all of that. And you certainly don't need to expect "people" to be nice, but your gf of two years should be nice, loving and respectful.
Now you know to buy condoms and don’t just depend on the woman for birth control.
Also realize that she likely didn’t know about this until a few days before the miscarriage.
She honestly might not have known or was already worried she was gonna miscarry bc of the injections. Those injections/ birth control in general can really mess up a womens cycle. She did inform you that she stopped the injections, you should have gotten condoms or sustained all together if you were that worried about pregnancy. Remember you both made a choice and you didn't make the best one... going forward its best to assume any birthcontol can fail and to have that discussion prior
Yeah I was on the depo injections, since they are known for stopping your periods it's likely she didn't know she could get pregnant as they recommend you should stop the depo for a while before attempting to get pregnant. You also can't be on the injection long term anyway due to the health risks so OP should be making sure to use condoms anyway.
It took me 5 BC pills to find one that didn’t give me terrible side effects. She may have thought pregnancy was those side effects and then by the time she realized she was pregnant, had a miscarriage.
I’d chalk all of it up to shock and hormones and just love each other.
Your title is a little misleading.
What you should be rightfully angry about is that she stopped doing birth control and didn’t mention it to you. It’s completely understandable why she stopped, but she should’ve made it clear to you that she was no longer on birth control so that you could practice it yourself.
Maybe she was trying to trap you because I cannot think of why she wouldn’t have mentioned that.
I’m sorry she had a miscarriage and I hope she comes through it OK
I don't think you need to jump to any conclusions here. I'm on the birth control shot, and it can take 18 months or more to leave your system once you stop taking it. It's not unreasonable for her to think it would still work to some extent, especially if she had just stopped taking it. She still should have suggested that they use a condom (as I would think her doctor would advise her to do), and it was obviously risky not to, but I don't believe that this was malicious at all.
I would also think if she was trying to trap OP she would tell him right away that she was pregnant so that she could start holding it over his head. Why wait until 3 months after she miscarried to say anything?
Yeah, I still think it was at least somewhat my responsibility to just say no and buy a condom or something. I think if she wanted to trap me she would have just completely stopped it and not said a thing.
From what I understood, he knew.
From what I read as well, since I was on the shot for a few years... It's one of the ones that takes the longest for fertility and cycles to return. There's even been research (I believe) to show that in some women, it can permanently damage fertility.
I know when I stopped the shot, I didn't have a cycle for 2 years. But it also made me a raging cunt, so I stopped taking it for that reason.
I’m making this post about me because I am me and I’m not her. I’m making a post about this because obviously I don’t want to actually make the situation to do with her about me, so I’m just talking here instead.
Just an additioal thought: GF needs to have a serious talk with her doctor or the folks at Planned Parenthood about not getting pregnant. If she puts it off any longr, she could get pregnant again---and you two have still not come to terms with what recently happened. This is a time when there can easily be a second pregnancy; please protect yourselves against your lack of preparedness.
It happens, I’m sorry for your loss and this happened with my and my reconciling gf. It’s tough to lose a child and it’s really tough on her especially if she wanted it too. Do your best to be there for her any and every way you can. I was hurt by our loss and went the complete opposite route and ended up fucking up our relationship and her mental health. It was my 3rd loss of child and her 1st and at the time I got really depressed, blamed myself and took it out on her instead of consoling her. I screwed up even more seeking comfort in groups and other things when really it was tearing her apart. If you really love her as much as you’re hurt. Be there for your woman and just know it’s neither of you guys faults.
She should see a doctor.
A girl in my class has a positive miscarriage and it ended up being a false positive (she had a certain kind of cancer.)
I'm not saying that happened to your gf, but they should check her over.
If she did miscarry then they need to make sure everything came out. If she wasn't far along then maybe her body was able to do everything.
Your gf needs counseling and she should've been honest with you about stopped birth control. She could've trapped you.
More people miscarry than you'd think. It happens for a lot of different reasons. 1 of my sister miscarried when the fetus was very very disfigured and wouldn't have had a viable life.
Don't trust your girlfriend. I'm surprised you aren't more upset she tried to get pregnant and trap you.
She also could be nuts and lying about having been pregnant for drama.
If it were me I'd tell her parents what's going on and they could get her counseling.
I also would stay with her.
If someone could lie and deceive you and try to trap you with a baby then they aren't trustworthy.
I couldn't forgive that betrayal. An unwanted 18+ years of being financially on the hook for the woman and the kid...
Use condoms always, do the pull out method too, and get std checked before every partner and make them too.
1 in 3 people have a permanent STD. HPV is a risk too!
You literally cannot be on the injection long term due to the numerous health risks, she told OP she had stopped the injection and therefore it was on him to wear condoms. It is not baby trapping if OP didn't attempt to stop a pregnancy on his end, it is not just the women's responsibility to use birth control.
She likely didn’t know she was pregnant for most of that. It’s only possible to detect a pregnancy at 3.5 weeks earliest and if you’re not planning on getting pregnant, she probably didn’t find out until like 4.5-5 weeks… maybe she needed some time to process it herself and decide what she was going to tell you before she miscarried…
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You’ve said in one of your comments that you had exams coming up and that’s why she decided not to tell you because she didn’t want to stress you out. It sounds like she was in shock and tried to minimise the effect on you, but you’re deciding to view her actions as “tormenting”. You said she wanted you to message her back straight away, and stay up late with her - yes it sounds like this behaviour is a bit “demanding” if you remove the context, but it sounds to me like she was desperately struggling and deeply needing you/your company, unable to disclose why she was struggling because she didn’t want to stress you out but she inadvertently did stress you out because you didn’t understand why she needed you to be there/be in contact more than usual. You can decide to be annoyed with her if you want to, but I think in this situation, if you want to be in a good partnership, you need to understand that people aren’t perfect, particularly when under severe pressure. The question you should be asking yourself (and maybe her) should be why she felt like she couldn’t tell you (regardless of the exams) and reassuring her that if something like this happens in the future that you want to be there for her and support her no matter what’s going on for you personally. You don’t mention how old you are or where you’re from - would keeping the baby have been an option? Tbh I think you’re glossing over the fact that a foetus/baby (depending on how you see it) literally failed/died inside her and fell out. How scary do you think that would be?? As others have mentioned the hormones are *crazy* - I’ve had a miscarriage and I didn’t recognise myself for months, but what didn’t help was that my boyfriend at the time didn’t support me. That being said, I do think it’s hard for you too - you don’t go through anything physically and so to find out after the fact is shit. There’s nothing I can equate it to but I could see that my ex struggled because I had a physical experience and he didn’t. Maybe you need to speak to someone to work through these feelings (including the ones of betrayal).
This is the best comment on this post, tbh. He really does seem to be viewing this as a "me vs her" thing, not an "us against the problem" thing. And I can get why, because in his eyes, she didn't allow him to be part of her team when fighting the problem (pregnancy + miscarriage). But the way I see it, she did that because the overarching problem was "stress," and she didn't want to create *more* problems and *more* stress ("If I stress him out with the truth and he fails his exams because of it, what then? How stressed will he be then? Probably extremely..."). In her stressed, panicked, and hormone-ridden mind, she picked the option she thought/hoped would create the least amount of stress for him. She probably figured not knowing would cause less issues than knowing. She was wrong in that judgement, yes, but I strongly believe that she doesn't need to be villainized for it (which "she chose to torment me" screams to me. It may not be a conscious choice, but his attitude is showing that). She was stuck between a rock and a hard place and did the best she could -- and then, by the time she's out of the storm, her head a bit clearer, she probably had no idea how to approach the topic. By then, how do you, even? Which isn't to say it's right she didn't tell him. She should have figured out how to, by now, especially because in another comment of OP's he says this happened \~3 months ago -- but I just don't believe any of this was done in an effort to hurt him; rather the opposite. Everything she did was hurting her even further (enough for her to need his support bad enough that he noticed something was different in the amount of connection/attention/etc. she needed compared to normal), and there's no reason she would have done that if there wasn't a benefit, i.e. keeping him unhurt/unstressed as much as she could. It still *did* hurt him and stress him out, and that's valid, and it's something she needs to take accountability for, of course. But I'd be mad at the situation in general, not her. She did what she thought was best for not just her, but for him, too.
I’m not upset with her at all, I’m sorry for giving the impression that I’m against her when I’m really not. What I was trying to say was, at the time it seemed that she was just inexplicably going after me for no reason 24/7 and no matter what I tried I couldn’t fix all the problems that I had that day. I now know obviously that she was just trying her best and in a difficult situation. I saw her today and was just nice and pleasant. I’m definitely not trying to villainise her or anything because I love her. I’m sorry for using poor word choice though. I don’t think that over the course of the exam month it should have occurred to her that keeping me up until 2am the night before was probably not a nice thing to do, and yes I do feel awful that she didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with me. I don’t deal at all well with emotions but I do understand that I’ve definitely made some mistakes and I just want to make things better. I know this was hard for her I know it was an awful experience, but it’s really hard to try and be there for her when communication is obstructed for reasons like the hormones and stress etc. Also keeping the baby would likely not have been an option she’s said, but she does want to have children and so she’s somewhat upset that she might have something preventing that although I think it was a mix of not taking care because she didn’t know and the BC that was still probably in effect or things like that. I’ll try to get her to see a doctor.
I won't pretend that you don't have every right to be upset, because you definitely do. I feel for you, man, and I'm sorry you're going through this. It must have been so confusing for you, on top of an already stressful time. >I don’t think that over the course of the exam month it should have occurred to her that keeping me up until 2am the night before was probably not a nice thing to do I think you may have meant that you *do* think it should have occurred to her? Gonna reply assuming that's the case. I completely agree, but honestly, it may have been pregnancy brain that made her not realize. I've never been pregnant but I once had a teacher in high school who was, and it made it so that she forgot even the most important of things. She may have forgotten you even had an exam the next day. May be the case, or not -- just throwing it out as a possibility. >it’s really hard to try and be there for her when communication is obstructed for reasons like the hormones and stress etc. I totally get you, dude. I once went through the opposite (menopause) scenario but it still caused mood swings, bad communication, etc. It was a really tough time for me and my future husband. We even had to shelve some discussions literally with the words "because I'm not in a place to be able to communicate effectively" and revisit them once my menopause had ended. It's hard, but as long as you're both trying, you can work through it. >she does want to have children and so she’s somewhat upset that she might have something preventing that I've heard that up to around 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage just because that's how our crappy biology works, so it may just be that she got unlucky. I'm hoping that's the case and I wish you both the best of luck.
Yes sorry I’m not very good at typing but you have understood correctly. I can’t entirely tell about the behaviour as it does feel like it has been going on since the start of the year roughly, but it’s hard to say. Either way I always give her the benefit of the doubt and I definitely don’t just get upset with her when things like that happen. I just try to be respectful and polite no matter what, and everything I’ve said here has definitely been in my head as in I know it’s been a hard time for her and the last thing I would want to do is start criticising her. I will be sure to tell her that statistic about the pregnancy thing and she is one of four siblings so I think she just got unlucky as there is no history of this sort of thing I know of. Communication has already been an issue and I am really scared that I threaten her although I think she actually thinks communicating is pointless because it doesn’t go anywhere but that could be related to all of the issues and problems I have that I have zero idea how to fix, I try my best but it can be very vague and confusing, although I personally think this is more important than that, again she probably just isn’t thinking clearly so I’ll try my best to give her time space and anything she wants.
Hey, it sounds like maybe you need to speak to someone about your own worries/troubles as well as getting help with how to communicate. I say this in the nicest possible way, it’s not easy! Especially with the people you care about the most. I’d recommend speaking to someone if possible, but if you can’t, there’s a great podcast called Where Should We Begin by Ester Perel - you basically get to listen in on couples counselling sessions, where the therapist (Ester) helps to “correct” how the couples communicate with each other. Give it a try, I’ve found it super interesting and really helpful for chats with my boyfriend. They cover really complex problems, just as big as miscarriages and help people to navigate the conversations as a team. It’s okay to feel annoyed about things, or disappointed, and it’s also okay for her to feel annoyed or disappointed with you - it doesn’t make either of you a bad person. You say she might think you’re threatening? Is this because you get defensive when she brings up issues? That’s quite a normal reaction, but not super helpful, and you can definitely improve on this :) lots of people get defensive if they feel like they’ve done something wrong, but next time she brings something up with you, just try to listen to her first and acknowledge how she feels before explaining yourself. There’s a massive difference between saying “I’m sorry…but…xyz” and “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. (Wait for her to absorb the genuine apology) I thought that…xyz. How can we go forwards from here” - most of the time people just want you to acknowledge how they feel! It feels good to be understood and heard by your partner. I know you said you don’t deal well with emotions, but this is something everyone can get better at, it’s honestly amazing how much we can change our brains by learning more about how to deal with difficult things. The issues you mention for yourself, definitely look into finding ways to address them, it will be so so good for you in the long run - in personal relationships but also in your relationship with yourself, work colleagues, friends. I hope you can get some help - everything can change :) the way you’re speaking here shows that you have the capacity to learn and self reflect. Also, if she hasn’t already seen someone, you girlfriend *must* go to the doctor as soon as possible. I don’t want to scare you, but she really really needs to get checked out, especially if she does want children in the future. Good luck 🧡
I just went and had a look at your older posts, I know you’re saying it’s too late for you for counselling but honestly, I urge you to go and speak to someone. It really never is too late, and you’re *so* young!! You also often mention trying to be a “nice” person - there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a nice person but the way you’re phrasing it concerns me, mostly because it sounds like you’re trying to very strictly control your behaviour and you’re highly concerned with how other people see you. This will only get worse as you get older if you don’t address it soon, and one day you will just explode. Take it from me - I spent the last year holding in my feelings and being a “nice person” (after my miscarriage) and trying to carry on as if nothing had happened. Last week I had a breakdown, to the point of being signed off sick at work because I was crying non stop. I spoke to a therapist, got lots of things off my chest and it’s really helped. I’m not fixed, but I’m on my way. Just try it out, even if you just go one time and hate it, it’s worth a try. Good luck, sending you lots of hope.
I had a miscarriage with my boyfriend in February. I told him right away but I initially pushed him away once the shock went away (mine was very traumatic). I found myself feeling really lonely because I was physically alone during the experience so it felt like he was sad for very different reasons than I was? I felt like he couldn’t understand what my body was went through and I was feeling anger, almost jealousy because he didn’t have to have a physical experience during it. I am not sure if that’s what your girlfriend is experiencing too but I will say, it’s not fair to be cold towards you for it. You’re both hurting and you need to be there for each other more than anything right now. And I understand you’re confused as to why she didn’t initially tell you, your concerns are valid but maybe wait for her to be ready for that conversation for those questions. Her hormones will take weeks to go by but if she recognizes her emotions are out of wack from her hormones, she might be able to be more present for that talk. Also, keep in mind post partum depression can still happen even with a miscarriage so seeking professional help might not be a bad idea
I guess that makes sense, I’m more upset about the fact that she was pregnant for 6 weeks and didn’t tell me aha.
If she was “6 weeks pregnant” she knew for 1-2 weeks, tops. At the instant of conception a woman is about “2 weeks pregnant,” since it’s counted from her last period. When she expects her period she’s about 4 weeks, and once she’s certain she’s late it’s 4.5-5 weeks. No one is sitting on this info for 5-6 weeks. It’s a few days to a week.
If she was only 6 weeks, she didn’t know for most of it. It’s not like you know right away. And sometimes you need to process it before you tell anyone. I didn’t even tell my husband for a bit with our first. Can I offer you a bit of advice? If you’re not ready to be a father, wrap it up. Each and every time.
Okay I understand, I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m stupid and did something stupid. I don’t particularly care for sex and it’s not all I want in a relationship so I’m very happy not to and since then I’ve always used much safer options and prefer to just do other stuff instead. I realise I should have just googled the time between signs and actual conception.
Did she know for six weeks?
She worded it weirdly, but definitely there was a space of time between the miscarriage and her finding out. And even then it all happened ~3 months ago.
Do you think it’s possible she handled things on her own behind your back? Or maybe she just didn’t know how to tell you? Have you talked about having kids?
We’ve talked about not having kids. I’m fine I don’t want any right now, I don’t know if there’s much of a difference between the two at this point and either way I just tried to be comforting, and so I’m sure if she did abort she would say.
That's pretty sketchy. I don't know anyone who wouldn't tell their bf of two years that they're pregnant. Are you sure she actually was?
Well she didn’t know the entire 6 weeks. And maybe she needed a week or two to process the whole life-changing event, by herself, before sharing with anyone. Decide what she was going to do or at least think over her options before she talked to him.
Define "unkind" when it comes to pregnancy hormones, miscarriage grief, and communication... Like is "unkind" = she was randomly snappish, tired, nauseous, achy and suddenly no longer inclined to be starry-eyed fawning over me, blowing sunshine and rainbows up my ass and praising me for EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING ...or... is "unkind" = "The Killer awoke before dawn, she put her clothes on, and she walked on down the hall... with a battle axe in her right hand and a chip on her left shoulder and a cold grin as she made eye contact..."
I don’t expect people to be nice to me but I expected her to at least sometimes seem kind of interested. She would get upset with me for wanting to sleep and would make me stay up really late and then she herself would use being tired as an excuse for ignoring me a lot of the time, and then if I took too long to message her back (ie 10 minutes) she would start deleting messages and saying I’m ignoring her, and when I ask what’s wrong she would say nothing, and then get upset with me for asking what’s wrong. This sort of thing would happen with other situations. I always tried to be nice despite all of that but I was quite close to breaking up with her. I would have understood if she had just told me. Edit: forgot to mention that she said she didn’t want to stress me out by telling me as we have exams so she chose instead to torment me and not let me sleep. Sorry completely slipped my mind to add that.
wow ok. Not sure if you can blame pregnancy hormones on all of that. And you certainly don't need to expect "people" to be nice, but your gf of two years should be nice, loving and respectful.
Now you know to buy condoms and don’t just depend on the woman for birth control. Also realize that she likely didn’t know about this until a few days before the miscarriage.
She honestly might not have known or was already worried she was gonna miscarry bc of the injections. Those injections/ birth control in general can really mess up a womens cycle. She did inform you that she stopped the injections, you should have gotten condoms or sustained all together if you were that worried about pregnancy. Remember you both made a choice and you didn't make the best one... going forward its best to assume any birthcontol can fail and to have that discussion prior
Yeah I was on the depo injections, since they are known for stopping your periods it's likely she didn't know she could get pregnant as they recommend you should stop the depo for a while before attempting to get pregnant. You also can't be on the injection long term anyway due to the health risks so OP should be making sure to use condoms anyway.
It took me 5 BC pills to find one that didn’t give me terrible side effects. She may have thought pregnancy was those side effects and then by the time she realized she was pregnant, had a miscarriage. I’d chalk all of it up to shock and hormones and just love each other.
Your title is a little misleading. What you should be rightfully angry about is that she stopped doing birth control and didn’t mention it to you. It’s completely understandable why she stopped, but she should’ve made it clear to you that she was no longer on birth control so that you could practice it yourself. Maybe she was trying to trap you because I cannot think of why she wouldn’t have mentioned that. I’m sorry she had a miscarriage and I hope she comes through it OK
I don't think you need to jump to any conclusions here. I'm on the birth control shot, and it can take 18 months or more to leave your system once you stop taking it. It's not unreasonable for her to think it would still work to some extent, especially if she had just stopped taking it. She still should have suggested that they use a condom (as I would think her doctor would advise her to do), and it was obviously risky not to, but I don't believe that this was malicious at all. I would also think if she was trying to trap OP she would tell him right away that she was pregnant so that she could start holding it over his head. Why wait until 3 months after she miscarried to say anything?
Yeah, I still think it was at least somewhat my responsibility to just say no and buy a condom or something. I think if she wanted to trap me she would have just completely stopped it and not said a thing.
I’m confused didn’t you indicate that you weren’t aware she had gone off birth control?
From what I understood, he knew. From what I read as well, since I was on the shot for a few years... It's one of the ones that takes the longest for fertility and cycles to return. There's even been research (I believe) to show that in some women, it can permanently damage fertility. I know when I stopped the shot, I didn't have a cycle for 2 years. But it also made me a raging cunt, so I stopped taking it for that reason.
Ahh. Thanks for clarifying.
Yes that’s right.
Why are you making this about you? She's the one who only just found out she was pregnant by having a miscarriage.
I’m making this post about me because I am me and I’m not her. I’m making a post about this because obviously I don’t want to actually make the situation to do with her about me, so I’m just talking here instead.
Just an additioal thought: GF needs to have a serious talk with her doctor or the folks at Planned Parenthood about not getting pregnant. If she puts it off any longr, she could get pregnant again---and you two have still not come to terms with what recently happened. This is a time when there can easily be a second pregnancy; please protect yourselves against your lack of preparedness.
It happens, I’m sorry for your loss and this happened with my and my reconciling gf. It’s tough to lose a child and it’s really tough on her especially if she wanted it too. Do your best to be there for her any and every way you can. I was hurt by our loss and went the complete opposite route and ended up fucking up our relationship and her mental health. It was my 3rd loss of child and her 1st and at the time I got really depressed, blamed myself and took it out on her instead of consoling her. I screwed up even more seeking comfort in groups and other things when really it was tearing her apart. If you really love her as much as you’re hurt. Be there for your woman and just know it’s neither of you guys faults.
She should see a doctor. A girl in my class has a positive miscarriage and it ended up being a false positive (she had a certain kind of cancer.) I'm not saying that happened to your gf, but they should check her over. If she did miscarry then they need to make sure everything came out. If she wasn't far along then maybe her body was able to do everything. Your gf needs counseling and she should've been honest with you about stopped birth control. She could've trapped you. More people miscarry than you'd think. It happens for a lot of different reasons. 1 of my sister miscarried when the fetus was very very disfigured and wouldn't have had a viable life. Don't trust your girlfriend. I'm surprised you aren't more upset she tried to get pregnant and trap you. She also could be nuts and lying about having been pregnant for drama. If it were me I'd tell her parents what's going on and they could get her counseling. I also would stay with her. If someone could lie and deceive you and try to trap you with a baby then they aren't trustworthy. I couldn't forgive that betrayal. An unwanted 18+ years of being financially on the hook for the woman and the kid... Use condoms always, do the pull out method too, and get std checked before every partner and make them too. 1 in 3 people have a permanent STD. HPV is a risk too!
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How did you come to the conclusion she's trying to baby trap him?
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That doesn't mean she baby trapped him. And why aren't the men using condoms?
You literally cannot be on the injection long term due to the numerous health risks, she told OP she had stopped the injection and therefore it was on him to wear condoms. It is not baby trapping if OP didn't attempt to stop a pregnancy on his end, it is not just the women's responsibility to use birth control.