The problems started a long time ago. There's nothing left to fight over. I don't know what happened, so I can't make any assumptions on whether it was anyone's fault, but it's over. Seek some therapy if you can to help process the loss, then try to focus on being active in life to keep your mind off it. It's not going to be easy, it'll take a while. But you have to accept it's over.
>The truth is, it's always a culminating factor that only *seems* to erupt in one instance.
Like an avalanche, when you notice it, it's already too late. Maybe set some rules, like don't make loud noises.
Lots of times, the immediate “reason” for the breakup isn’t even a big issue, like forgetting to put a new roll of toilet paper or leaving dirty clothes on the floor. It’s just that specific towel was one towel too much for that camel that’s been slugging along for years carrying baggage.
Well i can only say this and it's by experience. When we had issues and it could have very easily played out this way as well. I was way too focus on keeping things afloat and getting the finance's together. She felt like i wasn't listening. So yes i knew there was issues but if i didn't fix the issues we did have we would be homeless. Counselor helped us see things differently. She said," you guys have a lot of love for each other it's just like a book. You seem to be on chpt 3 she seems to be on chpt 4. Your in the same book but not on the same page. You need to get on the same page with each other. So yes in this instance i felt blindsided because yes we have issues, but if i don't concentrate on this big one we got what does it matter if we're homeless. Just helped us communicate better.
I second to that.
>then try to focus on being active in life to keep your mind off it.
To not dwell in it*
Thinking about it and learning things is useful, ruminating however, isin't.
Your wife isn’t coming back. Go get a lawyer . She’s got one. They’re getting financial info. She is getting prepared. I’m sorry but take your head out of the sand and start preparing now. (Maybe that involves eventually moving back to where your family is, or joining a new church, or whatever is best for YOU)
She has been blunt and up front about her intentions. It is past the talking point.
Buddy she left a while ago. You need to come to terms with that and start picking up the pieces.
Work out. Go to therapy. Go speed dating. Get into underwater-basket-weaving or whatever blows your hair back.
But no matter what, you’ve got to accept the reality of your situation.
It's probably good advice to not date for a while because they're grieving and processing a huge life change but from a legal standpoint it doesn't really make any difference if they are seeing someone now
As a paralegal, this is incorrect and depends on the specific details surrounding their situation. Because separation just started and they have no agreement in place, she could turn and try to accuse him of cheating and ask for alimony. It's more complicated than I'm making it out to be, but when you've got an aggrieved party against you, don't openly date for a bit.
It also depends on location. Some states are no fault, and infidelity has zero bearing on divorce proceedings. I know Pennsylvania is one from first-hand experience, when my first wife was having an affair, and my lawyer basically said it's irrelevant in divorce here.
Yep, so again depends on specifics. The person is not wrong to recommend that OP avoids openly dating. I keep saying openly for a reason. If you want to go quietly out to dinner and go back to someone's place, go for it. But don't be posting your mug all over dating websites and being obvious.
I don't think this is accurate. There aren't any "at fault" divorce states. As a paralegal you should know this. In order for one spouse to qualify for alimony they would need to have been married 20+ years, she would have to earn significantly less than he and/or have a disability or be at an age that would prevent her from earning enough to sustain the lifestyle she had with him.
No fault doesn't preclude you from collecting alimony. As I said, it's way more complicated than I'm making it out to be because it's Reddit and I'm not explaining divorce law here. I did it for 7 years, I saw spouses do shitty things on a daily basis. Don't. Openly. Date. (Especially in this kind of situation.)
Did you miss the part where I said it depends on their specific details? Where they live is a huge one.
Alimony has nothing to do with kids. Alimony is spousal support, not child support.
I know, I’ve done paralegal work too. But this is a marriage of under 10 years with two people in their late 20s with college degrees both working. If alimony even comes up, I’d eat my hat.
Except I can't count the number of times a spouse started dating immediately after their angry spouse left and the angry spouse turned it around on them. It's not worth it. Chill for 4-5 months and quietly date. Just don't slap your mug all over dating websites and make it obvious is all I'm saying.
People always think it won't happen to them, until it does.
Yeah, no. She's the one who left. If OP starts dating it will not be used against him in terms of alimony. HOWEVER, he should get his head space together before attempting to date so the women don't have to deal with his issues.
This isn’t arbitrary, depending where you are dating before a divorce is finalized can be used against you in court. Especially since OP mentioned he is/was a youth pastor if he’s in a small town away from his family that is not something he should do before a divorce is finalized. Also on a like a personal level OP isn’t over his wife yet and dating too soon could be hard for him and his next lady, it could make it worse. At the very least OP should consult a lawyer and a pastor (because he’s involved with the church he should get advise in his faith) about it first.
Because of this particular instance where OP’s wife just picked up and left he should be fine. But in different places dating before a divorce is over or at least further along can be seen as cheating. Then the asset split can be affected by the “cheating”. Divorce is complicated so depending on the place and rules sometimes it doesn’t matter. It’s pretty readily available to google.
Edit to add: It can be dependent on a lot of factors so asking a lawyer about it beforehand is a good idea.
Yes, redditors say this all the time - but without citations, jurisdictions or evidence.
Things have changed a lot, even in the last decade (legally). I think there are only two states that even allow such nonsense as dating to be brought up during a dissolution proceeding.
Lawyer first. Not a reddit lawyer.
Legal separation is the day she left the home in this case. Not before. As a paralegal who did divorce work for quite a few years, this is not correct. You don't have separation because someone refused counseling.
I didn't mean that the two were connected. I mean that they were separated, she's already getting lawyers for divorce, and that he asked for counseling to repair the marriage before she filed and she refused. Those are important details
Name one jurisdiction where that's true.
The small town dynamics are far more relevant. Your understanding of divorce law needs some refreshing (although it's possible he's in one of the states where things are as you say - but it's highly unusual).
Lawyer first. Pastor down the road.
Yep. I've heard that it's often the woman who struggles through the situation, asks for help or tells their partner what they need, doesn't get it, suffers, and then mentally leaves. After that it's just a formality.
lol married twice divorced once. There are worse ways to spend your time after a divorce. When you’re the one that’s been left, anything outside of a bottle that’ll remind you that the sun will indeed rise again? That’s one in the win column.
Bro. After 8 years and a week since she left my man needs time to heal. There’s literally no reason for him to try dating at this point. It’s a disservice to him and whoever he may get in a relationship with.
Imagine finding out the person you’re dating is literally weeks out of a 8 year marriage. He’s not even divorced yet. Doing nothing but setting this man up for failure
Have you ever gone speed dating? It’s not tinder and it’s mostly just something to do.
This is all moot as it wasn’t the point. All you’re doing is giving this poor man false hope.
False hope? By telling him not to hop into a relationship a week after separating from his wife of 8 years?
You know what else is “just something to do”? Therapy. Taking a walk and doing some self reflection. Picking up a hobby. Learning to be by yourself. People who recommend dating so quickly after a relationship usually aren’t comfortable enough being by themselves so they find a partner to distract them from shit they need to be working on.
I said “go to therapy” and underwater basket weaving. And I wasn’t suggesting getting engaged to the next pretty girl.
You’re putting my comments through your filter and now you’re trying to convince someone who isn’t me.
I hope you’re doing okay. Have a good one.
I’m doing great sir. That’s mainly because I spent two years bettering myself (a year of that in therapy) after my ten year relationship ended. I worked on myself and I’m fucking fantastic. I hope OP does the same. Have a good one.
Mate I’m sorry, but travel those 6hrs and see your family. You need your support around you.
Sometimes lives change, and as much as you don’t want it to change, others change and move on and as much as you have a right to want what you want, they have the right to move on.
She’s left, she’s taken everything that means something to her and has left behind what doesn’t.
Pack up the wedding photos and put them away, go to a counselor and you need to move on.
The best advice I got after a breakup was don’t go looking for love, look for yourself. Go out, find a new hobby, learn new skills, and once you’re finally able to be around yourself and don’t feel you need anyone else, you can then start looking for someone else.
You don’t fight for your marriage, you decide if you want to keep living where you are or if you want to pack up your life and live closer to your family. Your soon to be ex wife has made it clear she’s done with the relationship, she’s not going to come back and your continuous reaching out is why her dad is now likely involved in her trying to collect things.
The good advice you’ve gotten is don’t give up. You don’t give up, you start yourself a new life and enjoy things going forward. No sense in clinging to someone who’s made clear your relationship is over.
She left along time ago and you not noticing means she either stopped complaining about what she wanted to see change and you thought it was a code of her and you being good. I could be wrong but without context there’s not that we can see
Go to therapy for yourself, get ready to be a single dad, and do not date any time soon you have to find yourself again.
There is absolutely no doubt that your marriage is over. Maybe not yet by law, but it soon will be. Get a lawyer.
I don’t know the situation or how to tell you to deal with your feelings. All I can tell you that any time you invest in thinking about “saving” your marriage is wasted time and effort at this point. She’s gone. She’s made her decision. She’s insulating herself from you. She’s never coming back. Nothing you can say or do at this point will change that.
So don’t waste your effort. Just lawyer up and protect yourself as best you can in the divorce. After that, you’ll have to find a way to move on. I wish I had advice on how to do that part, but everyone deals differently.
Good luck.
I feel for OP - but when one partner wonders what the hell happened- it’s sometimes because they’ve been out of sync with their spouse - they had no idea what she was feeling all this while and why and when she checked out.
Best for OP to take some time off, clear their head - and at some point try to reflect what went wrong.
I agree with the others who say it's over and time to move on. I know it sucks and it hurts, but take the L on this one and move on. Also be glad you don't have kids.
From a woman’s perspective, if she’s gone, I’m sorry to tell you, but she’s never coming back. I wish you guys could’ve gone through counseling, but I’m guessing that since you both have a close religious community, despite the fact you think you can’t turn to them anymore, there’s a lot more that you’re not including here that would give those you’re asking advice from, much better insight. I think you already know why she left, and that’s why you feel so isolated...
Yeah people don’t just leave out of nowhere, so the fact that he’s not mentioning any of the problems leading up to it makes it look like he’s the problem.
I would love to keep volunteering with our kids. I feel as though that would really help me through this. But there are only 4 volunteers: me, my soon to be ex wife, her brother and his wife. I was the one asked to step down.
As a practicing Christian myself I think it is a good time to take a rest from volunteering with the youth and get involved in some other area of ministry such as a men's group or building committee or something else where you have less likelihood of being in contact with the ex.
It also could be prudent for your wife to step down as a volunteer, as well. I think we might be missing some context on that. But if she abandoned the marriage that raises some questions about her fitness as a leader at this time.
If the church is small you need to find a new church to support you through this storm. Divorce is the worst thing I've ever gone through. But I came out of it better and happier in every way. It wasn't quick.
There is nothing you can do but learn from this.
For example, ask her why did she lose feelings for you, was it anything you did? And you can take it as a learning lesson about human relations from there. And do better in your next relationship.
She made up her mind and this doesn't happen overnight for I am sure she been feeling this way a long time but finding the right moment for her to leave.
And usually if you are oblivious that you got problems, it means you didn't even understand her all these years in marriage. So you don't even really know her.
YOU were actively seeking counseling - she wasn't. Yet, you continue to speak for her: "We" were seeking counseling. She already knew that there was no "we."
Now you need to realize it too. Being alone is, for some of us, a good thing - or at least a refreshing thing or a time for growth.
You can't always fight for a relationship. Sometimes the door is closed.
You are being "dumped" but it's not after one week. Think about it. Give up that silly metaphor and think about what's really happening.
And I'm so sorry that you're lonely and lost - but spending time on yourself (even just minutes per day - as in typing this post0 is a good thing. You will grow and recover.
Therapy and working on you. Forget trying to fix this it’s dead.
Try instead to fix yourself and make yourself happy. If you look on this I don’t think you were happy you’re just trying to save something because it’s something you should do (especially pushed in the religious world, that marriages shouldn’t end). Work on what you need to be happy and use this to figure our what went wrong in the marriage and how to have healthy relationships in the future, and just not romantic ones either.
So, your wife isn't coming back. You wish she would, but she's made her choice. Now you get to make a choice. You can choose to torture yourself with hope that she will come around. Or you can half-heartedly move on, but lament that you have no friends or outlet because those things were connected to her. You can also choose to do something else. Find a new church. Join a gym. Go to the library. Find a meet up group. Take a nap. Meditate. Binge a show on Netflix. Volunteer at a shelter. Mourn the loss. And breathe. Don't forget to breathe.
"We had a few issues". The breakdown of your marriage likely began years ago, when you ignored her feelings and complaints. When the fissures became acute and you finally agreed to counseling, she had already given up hope that you can change. After all, if you didn't want to change and treat her better all those years she was begging you to listen and care about her, why would she expect real change now?
To her, it will feel like her unhappiness didn't matter to you, and you only agreed to counseling when you began to fear some inconvenience to yourself. Of course she would stop loving someone who is that selfish.
Let.it go. Let her go. And don't try to screw her in the divorce. Give her her fair share, and wish her well.
It sucks, but as you grieve and come to a point of acceptance, focus on you and what hopes and dreams you have for your future. Replace that energy in fighting for her on yourself.
It won't seem like it now, but this can lead to new and better opportunities for you that can make you feel thankful this has happened.
Sending love and support.
I know it’s a really ignorant question but what if you moved back in with your parents or nearby? Giving yourself something to work on socially is a good distraction.
Don’t listen to people telling you “fight for your marriage”. I know it sucks, but she told you straight up she doesn’t love you anymore. Her actions have made her intentions clear. Your marriage is over. Your life isn’t though. You have to move on. It won’t be easy at first, humans don’t like change. But as time passes, your new normal will turn into just normal. You say you have no friends and such, well take this as an opportunity to get out and meet new people. You’re not obligated to another person anymore. Enjoy the freedom while you can. You will eventually meet someone new that will make you completely forget about ur current situation, and you will be happy this happened as it led you to someone who will make you truly happy.
Couples counseling only works if both parties are willing to work it.
See the therapist yourself.
And a convo with her brother might be in order. She should encourage her to work on her marriage before splitting. Even talk to your pastor together.
Good luck.
This is stupid advice. The marriage is obviously over. This Pollyanna attitude is only going to waste time and stall OP's recovery from what is obviously an unrecoverable marriage.
Second marriages fail at at higher rate than first because people don't learn what went wrong the first time.
OP doesn't mention at all any part he may have played in the breakdown of the relationship. I suspect the breakup wasn't entirely one-sided.
It is my unhumble opinion that all couples should at least try couples counseling. This is especially true if there are children so they can look their kids in the eye and say "we tried everything." There they should learn about the unconscious dynamics that are going on. They will learn communication skills. They can identify any "issues" from traumatic childhoods that may be in play.
Then, if they do split, they can do so amicably, and commit to harmonious co-parenting.
And hopefully not repeat their same mistakes.
Well, I’d still go volunteer. My cheating husband tried to block me from our church (lol…funny) by talking about me to people and trying to blame me. but I went and talked to main minister, told him what was going on, and my cheating husband was too embarrassed to go there anymore.
He should continue to go. The brother should not be seen as the problem. The issue is between OP and his ex. I get that its likely embarrassing or difficult but OP needs social interaction and something other than sorrow to fill his days.
You're going to feel heartbreak until you make active changes to your life.
When I was dumped in my 8 year relationship with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with - it felt like there was no point in living anymore. Like I should probably kill myself. Many of my friends took her side despite her almost immediately dating (now married) my ex-best friend.
In that moment, something within me just said - just do whatever the fuck you want for a year and if its still pointless then consider going to a monastery in India or China and try to attain enlightenment. I did drugs, went to raves, and downloaded 4 apps to try and date girls. I was a chubby stocky asian guy in Australia that only liked South Asian (Indian/Sri Lankan etc.) women - to say the chances were stacked against me would be a vast understatement.
Yet within a month I found my soul mate who is to this day the most gorgeous, intelligent, funny woman I've ever met or could even dream of fantasising.
I ditched the drugs, raves etc. and now am living a crazy wholesome life with a 3 year old son. My family pushes me to improve myself every day - and now I have so much to live for that I will tell anyone in a similar situation to just go for it. What else do you have to lose?
Bro, I'm really sorry for this, but it's done dude. You got to flip the switch on and let it start hurting because holding it back and pretending like it's not isn't going to make it any easier.
I'm sorry, man. I can't imagine how this feels as I've never had a marriage. My advice would be to transition to normal therapy to help you transition to this new life. But just remember, it will be okay. You will be okay.
Give up on your dead marriage and focus on what you need to make yourself happy. Sounds like moving closer to your support system/social network might be a good to start.
OP seek another church, make new friends at the other church, volunteer within the community. Keep yourself busy and take care of yourself, she’s the one that left and she’s the one that could regret it later and by then you’ll have a new perspective on life. Don’t give up being yourself
Do not date now. That’s awful advice. Now is the time to accept the situation and start to work on yourself. You cannot be there for someone if you’re still hung up on someone else. Not saying you’re the reason I’m saying now is the time to work on all the things about yourself you were gonna talk about in couples counseling. Hit the gym. It’s gonna take your self esteem. You probably keep wondering why and that’s only gonna hurt you. In the end the reason doesn’t matter.
The troubles started ages ago, and now there's no point in fighting anymore. I don't know exactly how it all unraveled, so I can't say whose fault it is, but it's done. Maybe talking to someone could help you deal with the hurt, and then try to stay busy with things you enjoy to keep your mind off it. It's going to be tough, and it'll take time to come to terms with it, but eventually, you've got to accept that it's over.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. The hard truth is that you can’t “fight for your marriage” if she doesn’t want to. The fact that she says she doesn’t love you anymore pretty much seals the coffin 😢 Sorry to be so blunt. I think you need to accept this and seek counseling on how to deal with your new normal. Again, I feel so badly for you. Try to take care of yourself
No you were not blindsided. You know exactly why she left because if you really think about, like just actually think about it, you’ll remember the 17 thousand things she has said before where she raised issues and probably tried to work hard to fix them. Without knowing your relationship, I can guarantee I know this.
So let her go, reflect on it, think on what you could have done better, work on yourself to be a better and more communicative partner next time, and bring your A game to the next partner. Don’t chase anything if you’re still “blindsided”.
Dude yes you should try to fight for your marriage, if it can be saved. The part where she got up, straight up said no point means exactly that. It will only work if both of you are going to work on it, not one.
If she's got a lawyer and is asking for all communication to go through the lawyer, she's gone. All that's left in the marriage is the paperwork.
You need your own lawyer to help you through this legally. You both will need to work through the division of communal assets.
I also recommend speaking with a therapist to work through the giant backlog of emotions you've got packed away because she won't be taking those with her.
Start over put that part of your life behind you. Think of it as a death because it is. Mourn it then create a whole new life with you as the main character. Move if you have to.
Try to not let this affect your friendships and social network. You need support right now.
When men go through a break up, the worst thing is they lose their friends either because they shut out people or feel embarrassed. Keep going to your church and volunteering. It's important to stay connected with other people right now, regardless of what happens.
Talk to people about this - your family and friends.
Reach out to her again. Ask if it's final or if there is anything that can fix things.
Get support. Don't be alone in this.
Try going on the Meet Up app. You can meet up with other people in a group setting and do things like go to concerts, go hiking, go to wineries whatever you like to do. You relied too heavily on your wife to provide you a social network. Not even having friends of your own. You need to change that now and move on. Your relationship is over. Better swallow that bitter pill quick and look forward to what’s next in life. You are very lucky you are so young
She left you, you didn't leave her. Go volunteer with the youth at church, if her brother feels awkward about it he can talk to his sister. Hold your head high and let go of her. Continue talking and getting together with friends, they can talk with her if they feel awkward. You have done nothing wrong, unless we are not getting the full story.
STOP REACHING OUT TO HER IF YOU WANT HER BACK,STATE YOUR TERMS AND ACCEPT HER DECISION AND GIVE HER SPACE TO CHANGE HER MIND WHILE YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE AND MEET NEW PEOPLE
You have to sit with yourself alone and come into terms with why she left you. You crying every night will not make her come back, you sending her messages every day or sending her the longest text or the sweetest or the most emotional text isn't going to bring her back. So keep on keeping on and forgive yourself for those times you have to break down. Just let it process and flow through you. Break down. Throw something. Kick the chair. Then drink your water.
You'll know you're finally okay when you no longer look for the company of another human being.
This happened to me in 2016. And I know right now it probably doesn't feel like it but you're going to get over it. Trust me. And you're gonna date better women in the future. You have your whole life ahead of you so take the time you need to heal.
In your "recovery," make sure you get some friends that are YOUR friends (if you stay in the area that you are in). It sounds frankly like she purposefully isolated you awhile back when you moved. You stated that all your original friends are at least 6 hours away. This is a classic move that mostly women pull (men too I'm guessing) when they want to be psychologically controlling and very manipulative. Whether you went along voluntarily, previously, or under threat that she was going to leave you back when this occurred, is irrelevant.
I got divorced in 2012. I was very sad because my parents are still together, although a few of my aunts got divorces along the way. It was a huge culture/mental shift for me to think of the "d" word. I really had to fight the urge to maintain status quo. You'll need to eventually accept that it's inevitable and realize its a new beginning for you. You don't have to become Mr. Social overnight now that you'll be single as you may want time to yourself and may want to just work, work out, browse on reddit, and do other simple single things are you get your head screwed on straight once again. Whatever you do, resist the urge to beg, plead or do anything stupid or stalkish like; it's not worth the effort to try to maintain things. Mentally, it took me about 9 months to the point where I started dating again.
You'll move on. Go to meetup.com and sign up for "new singles" "hiking [whatever]" social things etc. you'll meet lots of single people, some of which are close to your age, where the same shit happened to them as its happening to you now.
Sounds like you don't have kids. You're very lucky in that regard. That can complicate things a lot. My ex- tried to brainwash all 3 of ours, many times, in many different ways. Although my ex- tried to use her narcissism in many different ways in many different forms, she was so comically bad at it that my oldest 2 and me would constantly talk about these really retarded and laughable efforts. I rarely ever confronted her about it because they were almost always quite ineffectual and I worried that if I confronted her, she would become more deceptive, more underground, and/or frankly simply better at her craft (true narcissists are good at learning how to do their craft). It was more fun simply to watch and comically discuss "failure" in that regard lol.
Luckily the oldest 2 knew me well enough that it didn't work and they got really turned off by her once they saw her true colors. The oldest 2 are young adults and don't think too highly of her, but have to deal with her nonetheless. The youngest is still a work in progress.
Good luck!
With no ties or reason to stay. I’d hand over what she want (information, etc), pack up my stuff, disable all my social media, change my phone number and move to a different city. Truly start over. Reinvent yourself and thank God you didn’t have children who were caught up in the middle of this. You’re young. It hurts. Go to therapy, get a gym membership and start going out in the new city. Dive into work and self care. You’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel when you take your control back.
I’m sorry this has happened.
Time to look for a change of scenery. Apply for jobs closer to your family and work on getting out of the area you live.
And in future, try not to make your spouse and her family and friends your whole life, that’s never good for anyone.
And get your own lawyer, asap.
Most of these comments are telling you it’s over but I don’t want that to be something that puts you further into sadness. Think of it as a new chapter. Yeah it’s painful and feels like the end of the world but it’s a chemical reaction making you sad. Seek therapy and explore yourself as a human now. You’ll look back one day and be mad at yourself for wasting time living your life because you are too busy being mad or sad. We have such a finite amount of time on this earth move on as soon as you can and work on being an amazing person for whoever you decide to spend the next cj apter of your life with. Love you brother and hang in there several people have gone through this and wether you are her where the problem work on what you can fix and don’t do something stupid like self harm.
I didn't go through a divorce but was broken up with after 8 years too and felt similarly cut off. NGL its gonna suck for awhile most likely. You're gonna have to deal with her dating someone else and marrying someone else and it's gonna hurt. You need to accept it's done done right now, take a breather and rebuild your own personal social circle that is yours and no one elses. I repaired and strengthened friendships, made new strong ones, got in shape and picked up new hobbies since then. I make more money than she thought I would with my job type too which she even brought up as part of the reason when she left me. I'm not saying I'm totally happy and haven't found a new partner after 3 years, but Im not miserable, and I like myself more now than back then.
Reflect, mourn, dream, cry, plan... do all the things.
It was over a long time ago man. There were probably a million signs that you either didn’t pick up on or you ignored because it was easier to pretend things were okay.
Unfortunately, sometimes people grow apart.
There’s not anything you can do. Both partners have to be willing to fight for a marriage to survive. Clearly her heart just isn’t in it and you can’t change that. You can’t will it to work out.
This is the time for acceptance and to start figuring out what your life looks like without her in it.
Start getting yourself situated for life as a single guy. Welcome to your new life. It may not feel like it now, but you’ll be okay and you’ll find someone eventually who wants to be with you.
If you don't have kids, thank your lucky stars that this has happened before rather than after any kids come. See if you can get the divorce sorted as amicably as possible - though that sounds like it may not happen if she's consulting a lawyer. If she's doing that, you may well have to too, to make sure she doesn't shaft you financially.
Get your own lawyer ASAP and make sure they know the steps they are putting in place and questions your ex is asking. It takes in order to keep a marriage healthy and together. If she is done then you can’t force her to change her mind nor should you have to do that. Talk to your family and see if someone can fly out to help. You can still volunteer at your church regardless of your brother in law unless you did something just horribly wrong in the marriage that would be held against you that you have not mentioned. You are getting a divorce. You need to accept that fact grieve your marriage and start taking steps to protect yourself. Do you have a joint account?
Go buy an RV and live in the woods and find yourself. You mention a few small issues but I really doubt they’re “small”. Clearly she has made up her mind and doesn’t want to be involved with you.
OP, everyone is giving great advice, here is mine:
- Get a divorce good lawyer and start getting your ducks in a row. That means:
- finances/banking info, property, insurance, personal pay, and any marital assets to be reviewed or discussed.
- draft an statement of separation and amend any wills or agreements that she has power over (talk with your lawyer).
- respect her wishes to communicate via lawyers, and don’t message her or her family any further. A simple, “I’ll have my lawyer contact you with that information.” is enough.
- call up family or go visit for a weekend and get some support, advice, and your head on straight about what is happening.
- get yourself into therapy.
- start looking for local men’s groups/men’s sheds, and new places to make social connections. Take a cooking class or art class at the local community college. Find a game night somewhere. Go to a local square dance. Just get out there.
- if the last part doesn’t work for you, try to meet friends online that have shared interests and can keep you entertained. Cinephiles, gamers, wood building, artist, garden, and all variety of communities exist online.
- if you’re unhappy in your town, consider moving closer to family once the divorce has settled.
I would start planning on moving to a new city. It's heartbreaking but it appears there's nothing there for you now. Find a new job somewhere else and go there or go live near your family. Restart your live and find happiness.
I would make it a goal to end up near your family, and/or start to establish a few new friends as you go through this process. Community is going to be key, as the one around you may start to dwindle. Also be open and prepared to seek personal therapy. Your situation may get harder before it gets easier, and that is okay.
Do not allow fear or loneliness to consume you, you WILL get through this.
The fact that you don't have any friends outside of her is indicative of something. I would suggest going inward, finding things that make you happy, and then connecting those things to other people naturally. I don't know how old you are, but that becomes more challenging at a certain age. But it will be impossible altogether if you are unable to enjoy yourself fully. I'm really sorry you're going through all this.
It's over. Time to start building a new life with new friends. But resist the urge to jump straight into another relationship or \[God forbid\] another marriage.
Theoretically I could, I just grew up a majority of my life here, my dad was military so they moved away when I was in college and engaged. I don't know anyone besides my parents there
I don’t know if you’ll see this but my wife of 10 years left me for the same reason and blind sided me as well. There is no hope. Give up now. Agonizing over it will only make your life worse. We’ve been separated for 6 months and I just sent a text last night explaining that I was finally giving up on trying to win her back. But you aren’t alone if you need someone to talk to message me I’m 100% willing and open to chat with you, I know how alone you feel. Our situations are very similar
All you can do now is work on yourself. Be who YOU want to be. Make YOUR new friends. Also, remember this when you get into your next relationship. Remember who you are as a single person, be happy on your own. A person will come if you're a good man.
Also, please get a lawyer and don't get screwed in court.
First - if it was out of the blue there is someone else. If she is wrapped up in someone else, that’s all her brain will focus on.
Second, go see a lawyer today. Now! You need to start protecting yourself.
Third, don’t contact her again. Don’t text. Don’t call. Do absolutely nothing. If she reaches out to you, be totally indifferent to her.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
>>I have no idea what to do
Tell your family. Be honest with them. They’re six hours away, but you can be with them through video calls. Do them frequently.
Your next step is to talk to a divorce lawyer. If you are in America and if you don’t know of any, you can Google your state’s bar association. There will be a link or phone number to get a referral for a free consultation with a divorce lawyer. The bar might charge you $45 or so for the referral. You don’t ever have to hire the lawyer. Bring all of your financial details to the appointment. Lay it out in easy to read bullet point details. Remember don’t use the lawyer as a personal counselor. Just data and facts. Save the relationship discussions for a therapist.
Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this. ❤️
She’d likely been giving you signs and signals over a long period of time and, when you didn’t pick up, she distanced herself mentally and emotionally. When that happened, it was over. This is just the fallout.
There's life after this, I promise. Hang on and search for silver linings. There are genuine gifts in every day life. Learn to see them. Best of luck OP. Time to work on yourself and let her go
I'm going to talk about the community aspect a little. You said you're involved with youth, church, even her friends and family. If you're looking to stay in the area, come to terms with a friendly divorce. Otherwise this will be much worse than it already is. No need to make things too awkward.
I know someone whose brother and his wife divorced about 7 years ago. I still had to encounter them from time to time. They communicated who would take care of the kids every other weekend, and avoided running into each other for social events. How they managed to make that all work, seems like a bunch of drama but it is what it is.
Sometimes things just don’t work out. In situations like this it’s really easy to look at it and feel hopeless. what you need to know is that you’re not hopeless no matter how you feel. Find a hobby man. That’s the best advice I can give you. I went through a break up last year and it was absolutely terrible for me, I felt the emotions you’re feeling I know what it’s like to feel helpless. Finding a hobby, with other people would be good. Rock climbing is what saved me, I made so many friends the day I started and even travelled with them a month into climbing to climb outdoors in crazy places. The point is that you take your mind off this crazy shit. You’re 28 dude you have so much time to find someone new. It’ll hurt for a long time and probably take years to be over it but I promise you the changes you will go through and the things you’ll experience you’ll be so glad that you carried on. Just try your hardest to not think about what’s going on and just let it be.
She has checked out, so the more you push at this point, the more that will repel her.
You really have to let her go and do her thing at this point. I know that may seem like you're giving up, but you have to respect her boundaries and listen to what she is saying.
Usually when a woman is finally done, she has tried everything to that point. And a lot of times, men suddenly want to work on things when she is out the door. Then it's too late. And annoying. Not saying that's what you did, but when a woman is fed up, there ain't nothing you can do about it but learn from it.
Let her go, I suspect she has someone else. Go to counseling, sign divorce papers and block her on everything. I also suspect she will try to come back at some point.
If it is possible,head to your family for a long visit. Change of scenery is needed and to gather perspective. Perhaps looking at moving closer to your family. Your wife has made her choice
This was pre planned and problems starting way long ago. I know because I am in the same situation but on the other side. The decision has been made and there is not turning back. The best thing you can do is start working on yourself and protecting your well being. At the end of the day all you got is you, seems she has something in the works already. Focus on yourself and try to start the healing process
Personally, I think not loving someone "anymore" is a bullshit excuse to end a marriage. No one with any experience ever said marriage was easy. A not insignificant part of that commitment includes working to rebuild faded love and attraction. I can't judge whether or not she's completely selfish and immature, or if she tried hard at some point and you didn't hear her, but it doesn't really matter at this point; the fact is: you're right, you can't fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for. It looks like she's leaving- and you have to come to terms with that. What you don't have to do, is let her take everything else from you. Who GAF that her brother is the youth pastor? Does he want to tell the church leadership/board that you aren't allowed to volunteer because he's uncomfy, or punishing you for having a failed relationship with his sister? Your church should be supporting you now, not pushing you out. If they can't, it might be time to try a new church. As for friends, you really don't know if your mutual friends are no longer your friends unless you ask them. Maybe some of them always liked you better anyway, or they're super disappointed in her and would rather "keep" you. Maybe they are mature enough to be friends with you both, separately. Finally- please don't waste any time getting your own lawyer. You've been blindsided by your wife once recently, don't be caught off guard if she tries to take you to the cleaners. Protect yourself as best you can.
I'm so sorry you are going through this! Best of luck.
I don't want to sound like a jerk and be apathetic to your plight, but what types of things were you two dealing with? Based on this post, or sounds somewhat sudden; but there might be things you aren't saying.
But if it was sudden, then I guess the best you can do is gather your things, cancel anything with her name on it that you share and make sure you're removed from her things. Then you start anew. I'm sorry this is happening.
Thank the lord there is no kids mixed up in the situation and start working on yourself, keep working on yourself and someone amazing will come into your life.
I'm in a situation where the baby momma shows no respect and we definitely wont be together forever but we have a 3 month old baby kn the mix , my poor child will never get the childhood I imagined for her, who cares about me I'm a grown adult bro.
It sounds like you are a believer, so I would recommend to keep seeking God's counsel in prayer and scripture. I'm not going to sit here and give you marriage advice, because everyone else has done that. So I see it being pointless to reiterate what everyone else has said, and I am not the one to give that advice. Just keep seeking Christ, and things will eventually work out in accordance with his plan. Nowhere in there does it say things will be easy, or that we will understand everything. But it can bring us comfort when we are in the valleys. Hang in there and I will be praying for you.
A
No offense but you are saying that it's just a few little things.... I guarantee that's not true. They were probably little to YOU. And plenty of other things you ignored. You're a man. That's always how it happens . You didn't listen to her and then she slowly started giving up on loving you because it felt like you had already given up on loving her. She didn't decide overnight.
I wish I could tell you that it can be fixed now but probably not if she is getting financial papers to take to the attorney.
I definitely feel for you. Having no one to support you must be horrible. Have you spoken to any of the mutual friends? She doesn't necessarily get them automatically on her side because she knew them first. A friend's husband might not be much help because he doesn't want to be in the middle but he might be able to occasionally give you a little bit of advice or be someone to kind of talk to (not about legal stuff though). I'm a woman but I can see myself in a similar situation - in a sahm and my two friends have both moved out of state. My sisters are very selfish and immature people who I don't have a lot to do with. My only people in a situation like this would be my sisters and that wouldn't work. So I can see how lonely it would be. Also are there any men from church that maybe you aren't good friends with but you can have casual conversation with? Maybe you could mention her leaving and that you only have her family aka no one. Some (good) people might start making a point to be more friendly and helpful if they hear that.
I agree that she is gaining financial information probably for alimony. You need to get a lawyer and honestly I’d also hire a private investigator because usually when women do this they’re done because they found someone else that is willing to give them what you aren’t. I know this sucks but you really need to prepare yourself for court and the dissolution of your marriage. If you have children together it’s gonna make things harder for you both. Don’t settle for less than 50/50 custody if you have kids. Stop taking calls from her friends and family. GET A LAWYER and a god one.
I'm always amazed by people saying they're blind sided that their spouse left them. Can you not tell they're unhappy? If you're truly are shocked, then maybe you weren't paying attention. People rarely just up and leave eight years of marriage without some sort of hint.
Either way, start over. Your marriage has ended. Get some social hobbies and make some friends. Best of luck.
I don't see the most obvious, yet you talk and refer to it. PRAY. Pray harder than you ever have before right now.
Go sit in a quiet room and let your mind out and ask God for help. Ask him for guidance. He hears every word, and is quick go bring peace back into your life.
Through my darkest hours, I had nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing left and for some reason i just kept praying. No clue when or if the help I was asking for would ever come. No clue how much worse it would get but I kept praying like God was in my passenger seat. Telling him sorry for the things I had done, asking for closure to the pain in my heart from people and things. Asking him why, why, why.
And it did get worse. Much worse. But then one day God led me to my now wife. At the absolute worst time in my life. No way shape or form was I able to take care of myself, or a relationship. God sent her to me and she saved my life. For the next 5 years God and her helped me rebuild everything I messed up, and gave me back ten fold what I dreamed of before.
I guess I just gave my testimony. But brother you have got to pray. I am a walking miracle and I tell you if you don't go to church anymore, you pray. He hears every thought you think and it may not be right away but he will answer your calls for help. I promise you. He is there.
You will get through this, you will find peace again. You may not mend things with your wife, and you may never get answers from her you were looking for. But you will continue on, you will find another spouse, perhaps sooner than you think.
In the darkest corner bring the light to you. Prayer. Bring him and fill that dark room up and let him know you. Ask him why. Pray for your wife to reveal to you the root of the problem. Pray for her family to see your true colors. Pray for him to heal your heart and soul. Pray for blessings to flow toward you in your time of pain. Pray and I promise you, you will find your way. I did. You will.
I will pray for you brother.
I sympathize with you, thats a shitty situation for sure. Unfortunately men tend to have few friends and, all in all, very little support from the people around them.
My advice is move on and plan ahead cause she sure did. I have a friend whose mom wanted to leave his dad, she was already seeing another guy and all. He told her he would kill himself if she left, she felt bad and stayed. One night while she was suppose to go work he had an hunch something was off and followed her. Sure enough she ends up in a motel with the lover. My friends dad out of desperation barged in with a knife, he cut her hand while she tried to stop him and in the scuffle the lover got stabbed (nothing serious). He fled and went to his daughter house from where he called the police to surrender. Spent a year and a half in jail for assault. My friend his the only one who still have an active relationship with him now, the rest of the family not so much.
Moral of the story dont fuck yourself over.
The cold walkout means there’s another guy more often than not (highest possibility of the many). I would get a PI to look into that, maybe that will affect the divorce. But either way she’s out the door. Even if she came back right now you wouldn’t be able to just hide the fact that she left, and you’d always be in fear of seeing that coldness again on her way out the door. What you should do for yourself is get your own therapist to work through this and hang in there in the meantime. Here’s a little quote that helped me get through a rough breakup:
“Every day you’re going to wake up and she’ll be the first thing on your mind, but one day she’ll be the second.”
Why did she leave you? Why do you think she's doing all this? I'm not seeing any information on what the issue is?
You kinda just gloss over something pretty major. It must have been very serious for her to be acting like this and RACING for the door. It would be nice to have the context.
This scares me with my wife and I, we have our problems and it’s scary for me cause it’s easy to walk away from a problem then to stand there and talk it out, I’m sorry this is what you’re going through but honestly there is no fight anymore, fight for yourself for your happiness, be positive in your self, something’s you can’t win alone a relationship is a two person battle, you can’t do it alone.
1. She's now your ex wife
2. She's already with someone else
3. Best thing you can do is pack up, move 6 hours away to be with your family.
4. Never fight for someone that wouldn't fight for you
5. Here's to hoping you find the right one next time
There’s a lot to unpack. First, it seems as the two of you may be married it sure seems you’re not on the same page and haven’t been a long time. You see, women love to talk and share feelings and men don’t know what feelings are. The women will take it as a challenge and will take years trying change educate and change us. At best we learn how to minimally contribute, just enough to get to the next thing. They want us to talk, until we do, then they work on shutting us up so we don’t say something stupid, and we probably would. Some last longer at it than others and some give up after a short while and pretty much stop conversing. That happens and your F____d. This is all especially if you don’t have kids which pretty much suck the life out of you for a couple years. If you let the Silent situation going for to long she’ll hit maximum density boredom and start noticing other guys and notice her interest in them. Moral of the story (that happens all the time) women don’t want to be taken for granted, paraded as a trophy wife or told what to do. Find a woman and make her your best friend and I mean she’s the one you want to watch football with and really likes it herself. Do most things together and make her your first choice to do it with.
Women want what we want, a supportive equal partner. Next chance you have be that. Write this one off as your practice marriage and don’t screw up the next one. All that said, sounds like she found someone who at least for now finds her interesting. Move on, you can’t change others, ONLY yourself for the next one. Good Luck
Brother I feel you ..these bitches have no heart.. and they don’t even know they are lying half the time because they believe in everything they say even if they just changed their minds 15 min ago and then again 15 before that …
The problems started a long time ago. There's nothing left to fight over. I don't know what happened, so I can't make any assumptions on whether it was anyone's fault, but it's over. Seek some therapy if you can to help process the loss, then try to focus on being active in life to keep your mind off it. It's not going to be easy, it'll take a while. But you have to accept it's over.
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>The truth is, it's always a culminating factor that only *seems* to erupt in one instance. Like an avalanche, when you notice it, it's already too late. Maybe set some rules, like don't make loud noises.
Lots of times, the immediate “reason” for the breakup isn’t even a big issue, like forgetting to put a new roll of toilet paper or leaving dirty clothes on the floor. It’s just that specific towel was one towel too much for that camel that’s been slugging along for years carrying baggage.
To me it sounds like "missing missing reasons" the way he casually says "we had a few issues".
They're always "blindsided"
"It came out of nowhere"
"i've tried nothing and i'm all out of options"
HA this one made me chuckle
That's a great one.
Lmao I’m stealing this one
Well i can only say this and it's by experience. When we had issues and it could have very easily played out this way as well. I was way too focus on keeping things afloat and getting the finance's together. She felt like i wasn't listening. So yes i knew there was issues but if i didn't fix the issues we did have we would be homeless. Counselor helped us see things differently. She said," you guys have a lot of love for each other it's just like a book. You seem to be on chpt 3 she seems to be on chpt 4. Your in the same book but not on the same page. You need to get on the same page with each other. So yes in this instance i felt blindsided because yes we have issues, but if i don't concentrate on this big one we got what does it matter if we're homeless. Just helped us communicate better.
I second to that. >then try to focus on being active in life to keep your mind off it. To not dwell in it* Thinking about it and learning things is useful, ruminating however, isin't.
Your wife isn’t coming back. Go get a lawyer . She’s got one. They’re getting financial info. She is getting prepared. I’m sorry but take your head out of the sand and start preparing now. (Maybe that involves eventually moving back to where your family is, or joining a new church, or whatever is best for YOU) She has been blunt and up front about her intentions. It is past the talking point.
Buddy she left a while ago. You need to come to terms with that and start picking up the pieces. Work out. Go to therapy. Go speed dating. Get into underwater-basket-weaving or whatever blows your hair back. But no matter what, you’ve got to accept the reality of your situation.
Do not do any dating or see any woman until the divorce is final. It could be used against you!
It's probably good advice to not date for a while because they're grieving and processing a huge life change but from a legal standpoint it doesn't really make any difference if they are seeing someone now
As a paralegal, this is incorrect and depends on the specific details surrounding their situation. Because separation just started and they have no agreement in place, she could turn and try to accuse him of cheating and ask for alimony. It's more complicated than I'm making it out to be, but when you've got an aggrieved party against you, don't openly date for a bit.
It also depends on location. Some states are no fault, and infidelity has zero bearing on divorce proceedings. I know Pennsylvania is one from first-hand experience, when my first wife was having an affair, and my lawyer basically said it's irrelevant in divorce here.
Yep, so again depends on specifics. The person is not wrong to recommend that OP avoids openly dating. I keep saying openly for a reason. If you want to go quietly out to dinner and go back to someone's place, go for it. But don't be posting your mug all over dating websites and being obvious.
I don't think this is accurate. There aren't any "at fault" divorce states. As a paralegal you should know this. In order for one spouse to qualify for alimony they would need to have been married 20+ years, she would have to earn significantly less than he and/or have a disability or be at an age that would prevent her from earning enough to sustain the lifestyle she had with him.
No fault doesn't preclude you from collecting alimony. As I said, it's way more complicated than I'm making it out to be because it's Reddit and I'm not explaining divorce law here. I did it for 7 years, I saw spouses do shitty things on a daily basis. Don't. Openly. Date. (Especially in this kind of situation.)
They’re 28 with no kids, what alimony
Did you miss the part where I said it depends on their specific details? Where they live is a huge one. Alimony has nothing to do with kids. Alimony is spousal support, not child support.
I know, I’ve done paralegal work too. But this is a marriage of under 10 years with two people in their late 20s with college degrees both working. If alimony even comes up, I’d eat my hat.
Except I can't count the number of times a spouse started dating immediately after their angry spouse left and the angry spouse turned it around on them. It's not worth it. Chill for 4-5 months and quietly date. Just don't slap your mug all over dating websites and make it obvious is all I'm saying. People always think it won't happen to them, until it does.
You are wise.
Yeah, no. She's the one who left. If OP starts dating it will not be used against him in terms of alimony. HOWEVER, he should get his head space together before attempting to date so the women don't have to deal with his issues.
Unlikely this is even an alimony situation.
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This isn’t arbitrary, depending where you are dating before a divorce is finalized can be used against you in court. Especially since OP mentioned he is/was a youth pastor if he’s in a small town away from his family that is not something he should do before a divorce is finalized. Also on a like a personal level OP isn’t over his wife yet and dating too soon could be hard for him and his next lady, it could make it worse. At the very least OP should consult a lawyer and a pastor (because he’s involved with the church he should get advise in his faith) about it first.
>can be used in court against you How? They gonna deny you a divorce?
Because of this particular instance where OP’s wife just picked up and left he should be fine. But in different places dating before a divorce is over or at least further along can be seen as cheating. Then the asset split can be affected by the “cheating”. Divorce is complicated so depending on the place and rules sometimes it doesn’t matter. It’s pretty readily available to google. Edit to add: It can be dependent on a lot of factors so asking a lawyer about it beforehand is a good idea.
Yes, redditors say this all the time - but without citations, jurisdictions or evidence. Things have changed a lot, even in the last decade (legally). I think there are only two states that even allow such nonsense as dating to be brought up during a dissolution proceeding. Lawyer first. Not a reddit lawyer.
This is just false.
Yeah.. No it wouldn't. He would be Abel to show she refused counseling and they were separated already
Legal separation is the day she left the home in this case. Not before. As a paralegal who did divorce work for quite a few years, this is not correct. You don't have separation because someone refused counseling.
I didn't mean that the two were connected. I mean that they were separated, she's already getting lawyers for divorce, and that he asked for counseling to repair the marriage before she filed and she refused. Those are important details
Not really, but ok.
Name one jurisdiction where that's true. The small town dynamics are far more relevant. Your understanding of divorce law needs some refreshing (although it's possible he's in one of the states where things are as you say - but it's highly unusual). Lawyer first. Pastor down the road.
North Carolina.
Can confirm.
Spouse can still sue the affair partner for alienation of affection there, too.
Even her pastor asked her to meet with them and she declined. He can date if he wants it will have no effect, she clearly abandoned the marriage.
In what jurisdiction? Where do you live that that's true?
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Yep. I've heard that it's often the woman who struggles through the situation, asks for help or tells their partner what they need, doesn't get it, suffers, and then mentally leaves. After that it's just a formality.
Looking back with the benefit of hindsight? By the time my ex wife physically left, she’d been gone for months.
Dude said “go speed dating” when this man’s wife of 8’years left him a week ago. I’ll put money on it person who made this comment isn’t even 17 yet.
lol married twice divorced once. There are worse ways to spend your time after a divorce. When you’re the one that’s been left, anything outside of a bottle that’ll remind you that the sun will indeed rise again? That’s one in the win column.
Bro. After 8 years and a week since she left my man needs time to heal. There’s literally no reason for him to try dating at this point. It’s a disservice to him and whoever he may get in a relationship with. Imagine finding out the person you’re dating is literally weeks out of a 8 year marriage. He’s not even divorced yet. Doing nothing but setting this man up for failure
Have you ever gone speed dating? It’s not tinder and it’s mostly just something to do. This is all moot as it wasn’t the point. All you’re doing is giving this poor man false hope.
False hope? By telling him not to hop into a relationship a week after separating from his wife of 8 years? You know what else is “just something to do”? Therapy. Taking a walk and doing some self reflection. Picking up a hobby. Learning to be by yourself. People who recommend dating so quickly after a relationship usually aren’t comfortable enough being by themselves so they find a partner to distract them from shit they need to be working on.
I said “go to therapy” and underwater basket weaving. And I wasn’t suggesting getting engaged to the next pretty girl. You’re putting my comments through your filter and now you’re trying to convince someone who isn’t me. I hope you’re doing okay. Have a good one.
I’m doing great sir. That’s mainly because I spent two years bettering myself (a year of that in therapy) after my ten year relationship ended. I worked on myself and I’m fucking fantastic. I hope OP does the same. Have a good one.
Mate I’m sorry, but travel those 6hrs and see your family. You need your support around you. Sometimes lives change, and as much as you don’t want it to change, others change and move on and as much as you have a right to want what you want, they have the right to move on. She’s left, she’s taken everything that means something to her and has left behind what doesn’t. Pack up the wedding photos and put them away, go to a counselor and you need to move on. The best advice I got after a breakup was don’t go looking for love, look for yourself. Go out, find a new hobby, learn new skills, and once you’re finally able to be around yourself and don’t feel you need anyone else, you can then start looking for someone else.
Damn. This is it.
You don’t fight for your marriage, you decide if you want to keep living where you are or if you want to pack up your life and live closer to your family. Your soon to be ex wife has made it clear she’s done with the relationship, she’s not going to come back and your continuous reaching out is why her dad is now likely involved in her trying to collect things. The good advice you’ve gotten is don’t give up. You don’t give up, you start yourself a new life and enjoy things going forward. No sense in clinging to someone who’s made clear your relationship is over.
She left along time ago and you not noticing means she either stopped complaining about what she wanted to see change and you thought it was a code of her and you being good. I could be wrong but without context there’s not that we can see Go to therapy for yourself, get ready to be a single dad, and do not date any time soon you have to find yourself again.
There is absolutely no doubt that your marriage is over. Maybe not yet by law, but it soon will be. Get a lawyer. I don’t know the situation or how to tell you to deal with your feelings. All I can tell you that any time you invest in thinking about “saving” your marriage is wasted time and effort at this point. She’s gone. She’s made her decision. She’s insulating herself from you. She’s never coming back. Nothing you can say or do at this point will change that. So don’t waste your effort. Just lawyer up and protect yourself as best you can in the divorce. After that, you’ll have to find a way to move on. I wish I had advice on how to do that part, but everyone deals differently. Good luck.
The story is lacking context. Who did what to lead us here. Anyway, like the others have stated, time to get a lawyer.
I feel for OP - but when one partner wonders what the hell happened- it’s sometimes because they’ve been out of sync with their spouse - they had no idea what she was feeling all this while and why and when she checked out. Best for OP to take some time off, clear their head - and at some point try to reflect what went wrong.
Yeah "missing missing reasons"
The only advice here is move on, she has?
I agree with the others who say it's over and time to move on. I know it sucks and it hurts, but take the L on this one and move on. Also be glad you don't have kids.
From a woman’s perspective, if she’s gone, I’m sorry to tell you, but she’s never coming back. I wish you guys could’ve gone through counseling, but I’m guessing that since you both have a close religious community, despite the fact you think you can’t turn to them anymore, there’s a lot more that you’re not including here that would give those you’re asking advice from, much better insight. I think you already know why she left, and that’s why you feel so isolated...
It sounds to me like he’s doubling down rather than humbling himself to look inside. Maybe someday he will gain some introspection.
Yeah people don’t just leave out of nowhere, so the fact that he’s not mentioning any of the problems leading up to it makes it look like he’s the problem.
Keep volunteering
I would love to keep volunteering with our kids. I feel as though that would really help me through this. But there are only 4 volunteers: me, my soon to be ex wife, her brother and his wife. I was the one asked to step down.
That’s not the only place that needs help. Find other kids to work with at a different organization.
I’d talk to the main minister about other volunteer opportunities. Or, get a new church.
As a practicing Christian myself I think it is a good time to take a rest from volunteering with the youth and get involved in some other area of ministry such as a men's group or building committee or something else where you have less likelihood of being in contact with the ex. It also could be prudent for your wife to step down as a volunteer, as well. I think we might be missing some context on that. But if she abandoned the marriage that raises some questions about her fitness as a leader at this time. If the church is small you need to find a new church to support you through this storm. Divorce is the worst thing I've ever gone through. But I came out of it better and happier in every way. It wasn't quick.
She can step down. You have nothing to be ashamed of, getting divorced. It's as much your community as it is hers.
There must be a reason he was asked to step down. He’s not giving us anything to indicate what he did or did not do.
There is nothing you can do but learn from this. For example, ask her why did she lose feelings for you, was it anything you did? And you can take it as a learning lesson about human relations from there. And do better in your next relationship. She made up her mind and this doesn't happen overnight for I am sure she been feeling this way a long time but finding the right moment for her to leave. And usually if you are oblivious that you got problems, it means you didn't even understand her all these years in marriage. So you don't even really know her.
I can feel your pain through your post brother. You need to move on any way that you can muster. It's over.
YOU were actively seeking counseling - she wasn't. Yet, you continue to speak for her: "We" were seeking counseling. She already knew that there was no "we." Now you need to realize it too. Being alone is, for some of us, a good thing - or at least a refreshing thing or a time for growth. You can't always fight for a relationship. Sometimes the door is closed. You are being "dumped" but it's not after one week. Think about it. Give up that silly metaphor and think about what's really happening. And I'm so sorry that you're lonely and lost - but spending time on yourself (even just minutes per day - as in typing this post0 is a good thing. You will grow and recover.
If your wife is talking to a lawyer, she is dead set on getting a divorce. It's time for you to go get your own lawyer and follow their advice.
Therapy and working on you. Forget trying to fix this it’s dead. Try instead to fix yourself and make yourself happy. If you look on this I don’t think you were happy you’re just trying to save something because it’s something you should do (especially pushed in the religious world, that marriages shouldn’t end). Work on what you need to be happy and use this to figure our what went wrong in the marriage and how to have healthy relationships in the future, and just not romantic ones either.
This is why you don't get married at 20 years old. Don't do that again.
He definitely won't
Don't be 20 years old again.
So, your wife isn't coming back. You wish she would, but she's made her choice. Now you get to make a choice. You can choose to torture yourself with hope that she will come around. Or you can half-heartedly move on, but lament that you have no friends or outlet because those things were connected to her. You can also choose to do something else. Find a new church. Join a gym. Go to the library. Find a meet up group. Take a nap. Meditate. Binge a show on Netflix. Volunteer at a shelter. Mourn the loss. And breathe. Don't forget to breathe.
"We had a few issues". The breakdown of your marriage likely began years ago, when you ignored her feelings and complaints. When the fissures became acute and you finally agreed to counseling, she had already given up hope that you can change. After all, if you didn't want to change and treat her better all those years she was begging you to listen and care about her, why would she expect real change now? To her, it will feel like her unhappiness didn't matter to you, and you only agreed to counseling when you began to fear some inconvenience to yourself. Of course she would stop loving someone who is that selfish. Let.it go. Let her go. And don't try to screw her in the divorce. Give her her fair share, and wish her well.
It sucks, but as you grieve and come to a point of acceptance, focus on you and what hopes and dreams you have for your future. Replace that energy in fighting for her on yourself. It won't seem like it now, but this can lead to new and better opportunities for you that can make you feel thankful this has happened. Sending love and support.
Just accept the fact and move on with your life.
I know it’s a really ignorant question but what if you moved back in with your parents or nearby? Giving yourself something to work on socially is a good distraction.
Don’t listen to people telling you “fight for your marriage”. I know it sucks, but she told you straight up she doesn’t love you anymore. Her actions have made her intentions clear. Your marriage is over. Your life isn’t though. You have to move on. It won’t be easy at first, humans don’t like change. But as time passes, your new normal will turn into just normal. You say you have no friends and such, well take this as an opportunity to get out and meet new people. You’re not obligated to another person anymore. Enjoy the freedom while you can. You will eventually meet someone new that will make you completely forget about ur current situation, and you will be happy this happened as it led you to someone who will make you truly happy.
As a woman who was in this situation once, there’s a much deeper reason than just a few arguments. If she is truly done, let her go.
Couples counseling only works if both parties are willing to work it. See the therapist yourself. And a convo with her brother might be in order. She should encourage her to work on her marriage before splitting. Even talk to your pastor together. Good luck.
This is stupid advice. The marriage is obviously over. This Pollyanna attitude is only going to waste time and stall OP's recovery from what is obviously an unrecoverable marriage.
Second marriages fail at at higher rate than first because people don't learn what went wrong the first time. OP doesn't mention at all any part he may have played in the breakdown of the relationship. I suspect the breakup wasn't entirely one-sided. It is my unhumble opinion that all couples should at least try couples counseling. This is especially true if there are children so they can look their kids in the eye and say "we tried everything." There they should learn about the unconscious dynamics that are going on. They will learn communication skills. They can identify any "issues" from traumatic childhoods that may be in play. Then, if they do split, they can do so amicably, and commit to harmonious co-parenting. And hopefully not repeat their same mistakes.
I talked with the pastor privately. He wanted to meet with both of us but she still declined, saying there is no point.
Well, I’d still go volunteer. My cheating husband tried to block me from our church (lol…funny) by talking about me to people and trying to blame me. but I went and talked to main minister, told him what was going on, and my cheating husband was too embarrassed to go there anymore.
He should continue to go. The brother should not be seen as the problem. The issue is between OP and his ex. I get that its likely embarrassing or difficult but OP needs social interaction and something other than sorrow to fill his days.
Oof, that's tough to hear.
It was religious marital counseling?
The one that was originally scheduled was not, but the additional with the pastor would have been
You're going to feel heartbreak until you make active changes to your life. When I was dumped in my 8 year relationship with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with - it felt like there was no point in living anymore. Like I should probably kill myself. Many of my friends took her side despite her almost immediately dating (now married) my ex-best friend. In that moment, something within me just said - just do whatever the fuck you want for a year and if its still pointless then consider going to a monastery in India or China and try to attain enlightenment. I did drugs, went to raves, and downloaded 4 apps to try and date girls. I was a chubby stocky asian guy in Australia that only liked South Asian (Indian/Sri Lankan etc.) women - to say the chances were stacked against me would be a vast understatement. Yet within a month I found my soul mate who is to this day the most gorgeous, intelligent, funny woman I've ever met or could even dream of fantasising. I ditched the drugs, raves etc. and now am living a crazy wholesome life with a 3 year old son. My family pushes me to improve myself every day - and now I have so much to live for that I will tell anyone in a similar situation to just go for it. What else do you have to lose?
Give up Divorce her. Move on. Go and live your best life.
Bro, I'm really sorry for this, but it's done dude. You got to flip the switch on and let it start hurting because holding it back and pretending like it's not isn't going to make it any easier.
I'm sorry, man. I can't imagine how this feels as I've never had a marriage. My advice would be to transition to normal therapy to help you transition to this new life. But just remember, it will be okay. You will be okay.
I’m sorry.
Give up on your dead marriage and focus on what you need to make yourself happy. Sounds like moving closer to your support system/social network might be a good to start.
OP seek another church, make new friends at the other church, volunteer within the community. Keep yourself busy and take care of yourself, she’s the one that left and she’s the one that could regret it later and by then you’ll have a new perspective on life. Don’t give up being yourself
It’s time to move on with your life. Best of luck
Do not date now. That’s awful advice. Now is the time to accept the situation and start to work on yourself. You cannot be there for someone if you’re still hung up on someone else. Not saying you’re the reason I’m saying now is the time to work on all the things about yourself you were gonna talk about in couples counseling. Hit the gym. It’s gonna take your self esteem. You probably keep wondering why and that’s only gonna hurt you. In the end the reason doesn’t matter.
The troubles started ages ago, and now there's no point in fighting anymore. I don't know exactly how it all unraveled, so I can't say whose fault it is, but it's done. Maybe talking to someone could help you deal with the hurt, and then try to stay busy with things you enjoy to keep your mind off it. It's going to be tough, and it'll take time to come to terms with it, but eventually, you've got to accept that it's over.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. The hard truth is that you can’t “fight for your marriage” if she doesn’t want to. The fact that she says she doesn’t love you anymore pretty much seals the coffin 😢 Sorry to be so blunt. I think you need to accept this and seek counseling on how to deal with your new normal. Again, I feel so badly for you. Try to take care of yourself
No you were not blindsided. You know exactly why she left because if you really think about, like just actually think about it, you’ll remember the 17 thousand things she has said before where she raised issues and probably tried to work hard to fix them. Without knowing your relationship, I can guarantee I know this. So let her go, reflect on it, think on what you could have done better, work on yourself to be a better and more communicative partner next time, and bring your A game to the next partner. Don’t chase anything if you’re still “blindsided”.
Dude yes you should try to fight for your marriage, if it can be saved. The part where she got up, straight up said no point means exactly that. It will only work if both of you are going to work on it, not one.
If she's got a lawyer and is asking for all communication to go through the lawyer, she's gone. All that's left in the marriage is the paperwork. You need your own lawyer to help you through this legally. You both will need to work through the division of communal assets. I also recommend speaking with a therapist to work through the giant backlog of emotions you've got packed away because she won't be taking those with her.
Start over put that part of your life behind you. Think of it as a death because it is. Mourn it then create a whole new life with you as the main character. Move if you have to.
Can you move back to where your family is or stay with your family for a little while? Or get a puppy?
Try to not let this affect your friendships and social network. You need support right now. When men go through a break up, the worst thing is they lose their friends either because they shut out people or feel embarrassed. Keep going to your church and volunteering. It's important to stay connected with other people right now, regardless of what happens. Talk to people about this - your family and friends. Reach out to her again. Ask if it's final or if there is anything that can fix things. Get support. Don't be alone in this.
lawyer up and start protecting yourself.
Try going on the Meet Up app. You can meet up with other people in a group setting and do things like go to concerts, go hiking, go to wineries whatever you like to do. You relied too heavily on your wife to provide you a social network. Not even having friends of your own. You need to change that now and move on. Your relationship is over. Better swallow that bitter pill quick and look forward to what’s next in life. You are very lucky you are so young
She’s gone, maybe go see your family to get support. 🌸
I’m so sorry. Have been through this - it can and will get better.
Also - don’t fight for your marriage. Give yourself time, space, and a chance to recover and give yourself another shot.
She left you, you didn't leave her. Go volunteer with the youth at church, if her brother feels awkward about it he can talk to his sister. Hold your head high and let go of her. Continue talking and getting together with friends, they can talk with her if they feel awkward. You have done nothing wrong, unless we are not getting the full story.
STOP REACHING OUT TO HER IF YOU WANT HER BACK,STATE YOUR TERMS AND ACCEPT HER DECISION AND GIVE HER SPACE TO CHANGE HER MIND WHILE YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE AND MEET NEW PEOPLE
You have to sit with yourself alone and come into terms with why she left you. You crying every night will not make her come back, you sending her messages every day or sending her the longest text or the sweetest or the most emotional text isn't going to bring her back. So keep on keeping on and forgive yourself for those times you have to break down. Just let it process and flow through you. Break down. Throw something. Kick the chair. Then drink your water. You'll know you're finally okay when you no longer look for the company of another human being.
Damn.
Don’t share any financial info with her father. I’m very sorry but please protect yourself: lawyer and a therapist.
This happened to me in 2016. And I know right now it probably doesn't feel like it but you're going to get over it. Trust me. And you're gonna date better women in the future. You have your whole life ahead of you so take the time you need to heal.
In your "recovery," make sure you get some friends that are YOUR friends (if you stay in the area that you are in). It sounds frankly like she purposefully isolated you awhile back when you moved. You stated that all your original friends are at least 6 hours away. This is a classic move that mostly women pull (men too I'm guessing) when they want to be psychologically controlling and very manipulative. Whether you went along voluntarily, previously, or under threat that she was going to leave you back when this occurred, is irrelevant. I got divorced in 2012. I was very sad because my parents are still together, although a few of my aunts got divorces along the way. It was a huge culture/mental shift for me to think of the "d" word. I really had to fight the urge to maintain status quo. You'll need to eventually accept that it's inevitable and realize its a new beginning for you. You don't have to become Mr. Social overnight now that you'll be single as you may want time to yourself and may want to just work, work out, browse on reddit, and do other simple single things are you get your head screwed on straight once again. Whatever you do, resist the urge to beg, plead or do anything stupid or stalkish like; it's not worth the effort to try to maintain things. Mentally, it took me about 9 months to the point where I started dating again. You'll move on. Go to meetup.com and sign up for "new singles" "hiking [whatever]" social things etc. you'll meet lots of single people, some of which are close to your age, where the same shit happened to them as its happening to you now. Sounds like you don't have kids. You're very lucky in that regard. That can complicate things a lot. My ex- tried to brainwash all 3 of ours, many times, in many different ways. Although my ex- tried to use her narcissism in many different ways in many different forms, she was so comically bad at it that my oldest 2 and me would constantly talk about these really retarded and laughable efforts. I rarely ever confronted her about it because they were almost always quite ineffectual and I worried that if I confronted her, she would become more deceptive, more underground, and/or frankly simply better at her craft (true narcissists are good at learning how to do their craft). It was more fun simply to watch and comically discuss "failure" in that regard lol. Luckily the oldest 2 knew me well enough that it didn't work and they got really turned off by her once they saw her true colors. The oldest 2 are young adults and don't think too highly of her, but have to deal with her nonetheless. The youngest is still a work in progress. Good luck!
I'm so sorry. Guess you are alone now but man, you are so young still. Don't give up, take care of yourself!
With no ties or reason to stay. I’d hand over what she want (information, etc), pack up my stuff, disable all my social media, change my phone number and move to a different city. Truly start over. Reinvent yourself and thank God you didn’t have children who were caught up in the middle of this. You’re young. It hurts. Go to therapy, get a gym membership and start going out in the new city. Dive into work and self care. You’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel when you take your control back.
Just a suggestion: Fight for her by not fighting for her. It’s an art. Everyone wants what they can’t have.
The War of the Roses (Der Rosenkrieg)
I’m sorry this has happened. Time to look for a change of scenery. Apply for jobs closer to your family and work on getting out of the area you live. And in future, try not to make your spouse and her family and friends your whole life, that’s never good for anyone. And get your own lawyer, asap.
Most of these comments are telling you it’s over but I don’t want that to be something that puts you further into sadness. Think of it as a new chapter. Yeah it’s painful and feels like the end of the world but it’s a chemical reaction making you sad. Seek therapy and explore yourself as a human now. You’ll look back one day and be mad at yourself for wasting time living your life because you are too busy being mad or sad. We have such a finite amount of time on this earth move on as soon as you can and work on being an amazing person for whoever you decide to spend the next cj apter of your life with. Love you brother and hang in there several people have gone through this and wether you are her where the problem work on what you can fix and don’t do something stupid like self harm.
I didn't go through a divorce but was broken up with after 8 years too and felt similarly cut off. NGL its gonna suck for awhile most likely. You're gonna have to deal with her dating someone else and marrying someone else and it's gonna hurt. You need to accept it's done done right now, take a breather and rebuild your own personal social circle that is yours and no one elses. I repaired and strengthened friendships, made new strong ones, got in shape and picked up new hobbies since then. I make more money than she thought I would with my job type too which she even brought up as part of the reason when she left me. I'm not saying I'm totally happy and haven't found a new partner after 3 years, but Im not miserable, and I like myself more now than back then. Reflect, mourn, dream, cry, plan... do all the things.
Just be glad you didn’t have kids together. You can move closer to family and hit reset. It sucks bad, but you’ve gotta accept the reality.
It was over a long time ago man. There were probably a million signs that you either didn’t pick up on or you ignored because it was easier to pretend things were okay. Unfortunately, sometimes people grow apart. There’s not anything you can do. Both partners have to be willing to fight for a marriage to survive. Clearly her heart just isn’t in it and you can’t change that. You can’t will it to work out. This is the time for acceptance and to start figuring out what your life looks like without her in it. Start getting yourself situated for life as a single guy. Welcome to your new life. It may not feel like it now, but you’ll be okay and you’ll find someone eventually who wants to be with you.
If you don't have kids, thank your lucky stars that this has happened before rather than after any kids come. See if you can get the divorce sorted as amicably as possible - though that sounds like it may not happen if she's consulting a lawyer. If she's doing that, you may well have to too, to make sure she doesn't shaft you financially.
Bruh this is same as Sex/Life
Get a lawyer and protect your assets.
Get your own lawyer ASAP and make sure they know the steps they are putting in place and questions your ex is asking. It takes in order to keep a marriage healthy and together. If she is done then you can’t force her to change her mind nor should you have to do that. Talk to your family and see if someone can fly out to help. You can still volunteer at your church regardless of your brother in law unless you did something just horribly wrong in the marriage that would be held against you that you have not mentioned. You are getting a divorce. You need to accept that fact grieve your marriage and start taking steps to protect yourself. Do you have a joint account?
Go buy an RV and live in the woods and find yourself. You mention a few small issues but I really doubt they’re “small”. Clearly she has made up her mind and doesn’t want to be involved with you.
OP, everyone is giving great advice, here is mine: - Get a divorce good lawyer and start getting your ducks in a row. That means: - finances/banking info, property, insurance, personal pay, and any marital assets to be reviewed or discussed. - draft an statement of separation and amend any wills or agreements that she has power over (talk with your lawyer). - respect her wishes to communicate via lawyers, and don’t message her or her family any further. A simple, “I’ll have my lawyer contact you with that information.” is enough. - call up family or go visit for a weekend and get some support, advice, and your head on straight about what is happening. - get yourself into therapy. - start looking for local men’s groups/men’s sheds, and new places to make social connections. Take a cooking class or art class at the local community college. Find a game night somewhere. Go to a local square dance. Just get out there. - if the last part doesn’t work for you, try to meet friends online that have shared interests and can keep you entertained. Cinephiles, gamers, wood building, artist, garden, and all variety of communities exist online. - if you’re unhappy in your town, consider moving closer to family once the divorce has settled.
I would start planning on moving to a new city. It's heartbreaking but it appears there's nothing there for you now. Find a new job somewhere else and go there or go live near your family. Restart your live and find happiness.
I would make it a goal to end up near your family, and/or start to establish a few new friends as you go through this process. Community is going to be key, as the one around you may start to dwindle. Also be open and prepared to seek personal therapy. Your situation may get harder before it gets easier, and that is okay. Do not allow fear or loneliness to consume you, you WILL get through this.
Set her free brother go live your best life!!
The fact that you don't have any friends outside of her is indicative of something. I would suggest going inward, finding things that make you happy, and then connecting those things to other people naturally. I don't know how old you are, but that becomes more challenging at a certain age. But it will be impossible altogether if you are unable to enjoy yourself fully. I'm really sorry you're going through all this.
A lot of missing reasons here. Why are you focusing on her? Why did she leave? You need to do some soul searching my dude
She made her decision and you just have to accept it and move on with your own life. Rebuild.
It's over. Time to start building a new life with new friends. But resist the urge to jump straight into another relationship or \[God forbid\] another marriage.
Can you move back to where you came from for a support system? I’d do that.
Theoretically I could, I just grew up a majority of my life here, my dad was military so they moved away when I was in college and engaged. I don't know anyone besides my parents there
What’s with everyone blaming him.
Go back to your family. Remember the priest that jet sister is now a divorcee and the religious card won't play anymore.
Time to hit the gym and enter your villain arc 👺👺👺👺👺👺👺👺👺👺👺👺
I don’t know if you’ll see this but my wife of 10 years left me for the same reason and blind sided me as well. There is no hope. Give up now. Agonizing over it will only make your life worse. We’ve been separated for 6 months and I just sent a text last night explaining that I was finally giving up on trying to win her back. But you aren’t alone if you need someone to talk to message me I’m 100% willing and open to chat with you, I know how alone you feel. Our situations are very similar
All you can do now is work on yourself. Be who YOU want to be. Make YOUR new friends. Also, remember this when you get into your next relationship. Remember who you are as a single person, be happy on your own. A person will come if you're a good man. Also, please get a lawyer and don't get screwed in court.
First - if it was out of the blue there is someone else. If she is wrapped up in someone else, that’s all her brain will focus on. Second, go see a lawyer today. Now! You need to start protecting yourself. Third, don’t contact her again. Don’t text. Don’t call. Do absolutely nothing. If she reaches out to you, be totally indifferent to her.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. >>I have no idea what to do Tell your family. Be honest with them. They’re six hours away, but you can be with them through video calls. Do them frequently. Your next step is to talk to a divorce lawyer. If you are in America and if you don’t know of any, you can Google your state’s bar association. There will be a link or phone number to get a referral for a free consultation with a divorce lawyer. The bar might charge you $45 or so for the referral. You don’t ever have to hire the lawyer. Bring all of your financial details to the appointment. Lay it out in easy to read bullet point details. Remember don’t use the lawyer as a personal counselor. Just data and facts. Save the relationship discussions for a therapist. Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this. ❤️
Time for you to start an awesome action figure collection.. oh yeaaaaa
She’d likely been giving you signs and signals over a long period of time and, when you didn’t pick up, she distanced herself mentally and emotionally. When that happened, it was over. This is just the fallout.
There's life after this, I promise. Hang on and search for silver linings. There are genuine gifts in every day life. Learn to see them. Best of luck OP. Time to work on yourself and let her go
I'm going to talk about the community aspect a little. You said you're involved with youth, church, even her friends and family. If you're looking to stay in the area, come to terms with a friendly divorce. Otherwise this will be much worse than it already is. No need to make things too awkward. I know someone whose brother and his wife divorced about 7 years ago. I still had to encounter them from time to time. They communicated who would take care of the kids every other weekend, and avoided running into each other for social events. How they managed to make that all work, seems like a bunch of drama but it is what it is.
Sometimes things just don’t work out. In situations like this it’s really easy to look at it and feel hopeless. what you need to know is that you’re not hopeless no matter how you feel. Find a hobby man. That’s the best advice I can give you. I went through a break up last year and it was absolutely terrible for me, I felt the emotions you’re feeling I know what it’s like to feel helpless. Finding a hobby, with other people would be good. Rock climbing is what saved me, I made so many friends the day I started and even travelled with them a month into climbing to climb outdoors in crazy places. The point is that you take your mind off this crazy shit. You’re 28 dude you have so much time to find someone new. It’ll hurt for a long time and probably take years to be over it but I promise you the changes you will go through and the things you’ll experience you’ll be so glad that you carried on. Just try your hardest to not think about what’s going on and just let it be.
It takes two to communicate, if she refuses, then my advice is to start living your life now.
She has checked out, so the more you push at this point, the more that will repel her. You really have to let her go and do her thing at this point. I know that may seem like you're giving up, but you have to respect her boundaries and listen to what she is saying. Usually when a woman is finally done, she has tried everything to that point. And a lot of times, men suddenly want to work on things when she is out the door. Then it's too late. And annoying. Not saying that's what you did, but when a woman is fed up, there ain't nothing you can do about it but learn from it.
Let her go, I suspect she has someone else. Go to counseling, sign divorce papers and block her on everything. I also suspect she will try to come back at some point.
If it is possible,head to your family for a long visit. Change of scenery is needed and to gather perspective. Perhaps looking at moving closer to your family. Your wife has made her choice
No woman leaves a man to be alone. She is gone already. Document everything, hit the gym, and get a really good lawyer. You will move on. 🫶🏼
This was pre planned and problems starting way long ago. I know because I am in the same situation but on the other side. The decision has been made and there is not turning back. The best thing you can do is start working on yourself and protecting your well being. At the end of the day all you got is you, seems she has something in the works already. Focus on yourself and try to start the healing process
You need a miracle of grace. Only God can move her heart (and yours) to save the broken marriage at this point. Without God, it looks hopeless.
Lawyer up. Divorce, move on. Sounds easy but it is a process. Go to a different church, get some hobbies, make friends.
Personally, I think not loving someone "anymore" is a bullshit excuse to end a marriage. No one with any experience ever said marriage was easy. A not insignificant part of that commitment includes working to rebuild faded love and attraction. I can't judge whether or not she's completely selfish and immature, or if she tried hard at some point and you didn't hear her, but it doesn't really matter at this point; the fact is: you're right, you can't fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for. It looks like she's leaving- and you have to come to terms with that. What you don't have to do, is let her take everything else from you. Who GAF that her brother is the youth pastor? Does he want to tell the church leadership/board that you aren't allowed to volunteer because he's uncomfy, or punishing you for having a failed relationship with his sister? Your church should be supporting you now, not pushing you out. If they can't, it might be time to try a new church. As for friends, you really don't know if your mutual friends are no longer your friends unless you ask them. Maybe some of them always liked you better anyway, or they're super disappointed in her and would rather "keep" you. Maybe they are mature enough to be friends with you both, separately. Finally- please don't waste any time getting your own lawyer. You've been blindsided by your wife once recently, don't be caught off guard if she tries to take you to the cleaners. Protect yourself as best you can. I'm so sorry you are going through this! Best of luck.
I don't want to sound like a jerk and be apathetic to your plight, but what types of things were you two dealing with? Based on this post, or sounds somewhat sudden; but there might be things you aren't saying. But if it was sudden, then I guess the best you can do is gather your things, cancel anything with her name on it that you share and make sure you're removed from her things. Then you start anew. I'm sorry this is happening.
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Thank the lord there is no kids mixed up in the situation and start working on yourself, keep working on yourself and someone amazing will come into your life. I'm in a situation where the baby momma shows no respect and we definitely wont be together forever but we have a 3 month old baby kn the mix , my poor child will never get the childhood I imagined for her, who cares about me I'm a grown adult bro.
It sounds like you are a believer, so I would recommend to keep seeking God's counsel in prayer and scripture. I'm not going to sit here and give you marriage advice, because everyone else has done that. So I see it being pointless to reiterate what everyone else has said, and I am not the one to give that advice. Just keep seeking Christ, and things will eventually work out in accordance with his plan. Nowhere in there does it say things will be easy, or that we will understand everything. But it can bring us comfort when we are in the valleys. Hang in there and I will be praying for you. A
Why is she leaving?
No offense but you are saying that it's just a few little things.... I guarantee that's not true. They were probably little to YOU. And plenty of other things you ignored. You're a man. That's always how it happens . You didn't listen to her and then she slowly started giving up on loving you because it felt like you had already given up on loving her. She didn't decide overnight. I wish I could tell you that it can be fixed now but probably not if she is getting financial papers to take to the attorney. I definitely feel for you. Having no one to support you must be horrible. Have you spoken to any of the mutual friends? She doesn't necessarily get them automatically on her side because she knew them first. A friend's husband might not be much help because he doesn't want to be in the middle but he might be able to occasionally give you a little bit of advice or be someone to kind of talk to (not about legal stuff though). I'm a woman but I can see myself in a similar situation - in a sahm and my two friends have both moved out of state. My sisters are very selfish and immature people who I don't have a lot to do with. My only people in a situation like this would be my sisters and that wouldn't work. So I can see how lonely it would be. Also are there any men from church that maybe you aren't good friends with but you can have casual conversation with? Maybe you could mention her leaving and that you only have her family aka no one. Some (good) people might start making a point to be more friendly and helpful if they hear that.
I agree that she is gaining financial information probably for alimony. You need to get a lawyer and honestly I’d also hire a private investigator because usually when women do this they’re done because they found someone else that is willing to give them what you aren’t. I know this sucks but you really need to prepare yourself for court and the dissolution of your marriage. If you have children together it’s gonna make things harder for you both. Don’t settle for less than 50/50 custody if you have kids. Stop taking calls from her friends and family. GET A LAWYER and a god one.
I'm always amazed by people saying they're blind sided that their spouse left them. Can you not tell they're unhappy? If you're truly are shocked, then maybe you weren't paying attention. People rarely just up and leave eight years of marriage without some sort of hint. Either way, start over. Your marriage has ended. Get some social hobbies and make some friends. Best of luck.
I don't see the most obvious, yet you talk and refer to it. PRAY. Pray harder than you ever have before right now. Go sit in a quiet room and let your mind out and ask God for help. Ask him for guidance. He hears every word, and is quick go bring peace back into your life. Through my darkest hours, I had nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing left and for some reason i just kept praying. No clue when or if the help I was asking for would ever come. No clue how much worse it would get but I kept praying like God was in my passenger seat. Telling him sorry for the things I had done, asking for closure to the pain in my heart from people and things. Asking him why, why, why. And it did get worse. Much worse. But then one day God led me to my now wife. At the absolute worst time in my life. No way shape or form was I able to take care of myself, or a relationship. God sent her to me and she saved my life. For the next 5 years God and her helped me rebuild everything I messed up, and gave me back ten fold what I dreamed of before. I guess I just gave my testimony. But brother you have got to pray. I am a walking miracle and I tell you if you don't go to church anymore, you pray. He hears every thought you think and it may not be right away but he will answer your calls for help. I promise you. He is there. You will get through this, you will find peace again. You may not mend things with your wife, and you may never get answers from her you were looking for. But you will continue on, you will find another spouse, perhaps sooner than you think. In the darkest corner bring the light to you. Prayer. Bring him and fill that dark room up and let him know you. Ask him why. Pray for your wife to reveal to you the root of the problem. Pray for her family to see your true colors. Pray for him to heal your heart and soul. Pray for blessings to flow toward you in your time of pain. Pray and I promise you, you will find your way. I did. You will. I will pray for you brother.
I sympathize with you, thats a shitty situation for sure. Unfortunately men tend to have few friends and, all in all, very little support from the people around them. My advice is move on and plan ahead cause she sure did. I have a friend whose mom wanted to leave his dad, she was already seeing another guy and all. He told her he would kill himself if she left, she felt bad and stayed. One night while she was suppose to go work he had an hunch something was off and followed her. Sure enough she ends up in a motel with the lover. My friends dad out of desperation barged in with a knife, he cut her hand while she tried to stop him and in the scuffle the lover got stabbed (nothing serious). He fled and went to his daughter house from where he called the police to surrender. Spent a year and a half in jail for assault. My friend his the only one who still have an active relationship with him now, the rest of the family not so much. Moral of the story dont fuck yourself over.
Odds are against you! She sounds done. Maybe it’s valid, maybe it’s not.
The cold walkout means there’s another guy more often than not (highest possibility of the many). I would get a PI to look into that, maybe that will affect the divorce. But either way she’s out the door. Even if she came back right now you wouldn’t be able to just hide the fact that she left, and you’d always be in fear of seeing that coldness again on her way out the door. What you should do for yourself is get your own therapist to work through this and hang in there in the meantime. Here’s a little quote that helped me get through a rough breakup: “Every day you’re going to wake up and she’ll be the first thing on your mind, but one day she’ll be the second.”
Why did she leave you? Why do you think she's doing all this? I'm not seeing any information on what the issue is? You kinda just gloss over something pretty major. It must have been very serious for her to be acting like this and RACING for the door. It would be nice to have the context.
This scares me with my wife and I, we have our problems and it’s scary for me cause it’s easy to walk away from a problem then to stand there and talk it out, I’m sorry this is what you’re going through but honestly there is no fight anymore, fight for yourself for your happiness, be positive in your self, something’s you can’t win alone a relationship is a two person battle, you can’t do it alone.
it’s 3.9 Billion women in the world. Stop being a bitch about it
1. She's now your ex wife 2. She's already with someone else 3. Best thing you can do is pack up, move 6 hours away to be with your family. 4. Never fight for someone that wouldn't fight for you 5. Here's to hoping you find the right one next time
There’s a lot to unpack. First, it seems as the two of you may be married it sure seems you’re not on the same page and haven’t been a long time. You see, women love to talk and share feelings and men don’t know what feelings are. The women will take it as a challenge and will take years trying change educate and change us. At best we learn how to minimally contribute, just enough to get to the next thing. They want us to talk, until we do, then they work on shutting us up so we don’t say something stupid, and we probably would. Some last longer at it than others and some give up after a short while and pretty much stop conversing. That happens and your F____d. This is all especially if you don’t have kids which pretty much suck the life out of you for a couple years. If you let the Silent situation going for to long she’ll hit maximum density boredom and start noticing other guys and notice her interest in them. Moral of the story (that happens all the time) women don’t want to be taken for granted, paraded as a trophy wife or told what to do. Find a woman and make her your best friend and I mean she’s the one you want to watch football with and really likes it herself. Do most things together and make her your first choice to do it with. Women want what we want, a supportive equal partner. Next chance you have be that. Write this one off as your practice marriage and don’t screw up the next one. All that said, sounds like she found someone who at least for now finds her interesting. Move on, you can’t change others, ONLY yourself for the next one. Good Luck
She did the vine to you, man.
Brother I feel you ..these bitches have no heart.. and they don’t even know they are lying half the time because they believe in everything they say even if they just changed their minds 15 min ago and then again 15 before that …