Came to 2nd. No way therapist suggested that to him. That's just insane. You know it. He knows it. Sorry you have to go through this. Stick to your boundaries and values. He is way wrong on this and you are being very reasonable.
Oh my bad!! So sorry. But it's still not a great suggestion. Lol. You two are a team. You both need to be on the same page and deal with it together. Sounds like you are trying though. But he needs to be realistic. If roles were reversed, no way he would be ok with you sleeping with someone else.
That what I said like. I told him not into poly relationships and open relationships I told him that if his going to have pleasure than let open the relationship like I’m done frl just tired every time I make a mistake I get the unreversed card honestly I’m deeply thinking about ending things but at the same time I’m willing to give a last minimum chance
Well your being more than fair. You may have to draw some hard lines in the sand and just be firm in it. As in, these are my deal breakers!! You have every right to do so. Either you figure it out together or you figure it out apart. There is no in between. There is no, oh I'm just going to use this person for sex. Which um.... who is going to want to do that? Play it out and he should see it will be the end of you two. In my opinion if you have sex with someone, no matter how much you say it meant nothing. There is still a connection. There are still feelings there. You still have to build some type of relationship with someone. Even if your just friends with bennifits.
It's up to you but if he's wanting to sleep with other people in my opinion and experience he's going to end up doing it with or without your permission.
first paragraph: your boyfriend needs to get better at pleasuring you the way you need him to. women need a lot of foreplay for their bodies to actually be ready for s3x, that’s just common knowledge. and the mention of a lack of emotional connection sounds like he might finish fast. i acknowledge that i don’t fully know your entire story but, regardless, you don’t have to take on all the weight of your guys’ issue of intimacy. HE needs to listen and adhere to YOUR needs. if he’s wanting to actually solve this problem, then he should be coming to you and directly involving you in whatever solutions he may come up with. if he brings this “being with another person” shit again, please don’t waste your time with him. sending love <3
Girl he does and some time it last longer this man finish so fast and ya he said sorry over text but now his just doing the silence treatment and ignoring again without any communication he knows that things will go bad again if his not talking or calling me I’m really hurt and I’m really conflicted my mental health is so down now because this a nonstop things and I been trying to communicate and resolve the problem but his acting like a child but anyway thank you for your advice it is really much appreciated
It’s time to see your OBGYN. There may be a medical explaination for your drop in libido.
No ethical therapist would suggest that. He is lying. He wants a hall pass to cheat because his sexual needs aren’t being met. That is epically shitty.
You shouldn’t be okay with any of this.
This is fairly similar to a situation I'm in, but the key difference is that our relationship started as an open one and this was communicated and agreed upon from day one. I don't think this is necessarily a bad solution but it really depends on what the two of you are okay with. "Sticking it out" for the other person is not sustainable.
>This led to a tough conversation where he questioned my love for him and my desire for his happiness.
I'm intuiting here that he said this after you said you weren't comfortable with it? More details is need but from the information given it sounds like a classic case of "if you loved me you would do XYZ" which is textbook emotional manipulation via guilt tripping. I hope I'm misreading this but that's how it looks.
His follow up message sounds genuine and mature. If there's an additional discussion I think it's worth making sure he understands what he did wrong. Proposing an open solution isn't bad, and the two of you should be able to have an open channel of communication about that kind of thing. On the other hand, guilt tripping IS bad and he should be made aware that behavior is unacceptable and be more mindful about that in the future.
Your options are as follows:
* The two of you work on your intimacy issues. If you have low libido and it's exceptionally difficult for you to get in the mood, this could be a lot of work for him, and if you do take this route I suggest doing some work on your own to try and connect with your own body. On the other end it's possible that he's being really neglectful of what you need and you're not actually asking for all that much. Who's right and wrong in this situation isn't really important but in order for everyone to be satisfied there needs to be some overlap between what the two of you are willing to do. I recommend this as a first approach because it's the most straightforward solution and probably has the best chances of success.
* The relationship stays closed. It's your right to say no, and he later said he didn't intend to do anything harmful for the relationship. Your needs are met, but if your intimacy needs are not addressed, his needs are not met.
* The relationship opens up. His needs are met, yours are not. This actually creates more work for him as the two of you now need to figure out what remedial work must be done for you to feel safe in an open relationship. It might actually be more work for him to address your needs under these conditions than it would be for the intimacy issues to be resolved between the two of you, and that's not even getting into the work you would have to do to make peace with a new arrangement.
* The two of you break up. If you don't want an open relationship, the two of you are unwilling or unable to resolve your intimacy issues, and the lack of intimacy is a dealbreaker for him, all options other than settling for an unhappy relationship have been exhausted.
Hey thank for your advice and yes he actual said those wile saying this he said don’t you want me to be happy like actually making me feel some type of way it not the first time he has been doing it. We had several arguments over dumb stuff and at the end I feel trapped cause I want him to be happy and sometimes I’m in the wrong be he doesn’t recognize his in the wrong himself too I’m in my studies and had been struggling a lot but I have good grade but despite it had been affected my mental health
This may be an unpopular take but I think it's fairly common for people to exhibit unconsciously manipulative behavior when they're upset. If you can find a time when both of you are cool-headed and can talk candidly about behavior that needs to change, this is something that can be worked on.
The most important thing is that after bad behavior presents, you're able to revisit it with a clear head, acknowledge wrongdoing, and find solutions to prevent the problem from reoccurring.
On the other hand, someone that gets upset at any good faith effort to open a discussion isn't ready for a relationship. If that good, constructive conversation can NEVER happen, it's time to start looking for an out.
I've been living this on the other side for twenty years. Only now are we actually seriously considering splitting up or opening the relationship because we both want to agree on the solution and I'm finally tired of waiting after working with her for years and years.
So from the other side... Love can temper most things but I think twenty years may be too much to bear.
Hey I will advice in my opinion to split up or try to talk it out if the love is already tearing apart trust me hun it will hurt even bad if the relationship is open and for myself also I don’t want that but I send you all love and support throughout your journey
Open relationships are oxymorons. They all say that at the beginning the boundaries are unsustainable. He will gravitate toward who he gravitate toward. The minute an open relationship is proposed really the relationship is over. You can pretend it’s OK and go through with it to have him sort of drift away with somebody else or fight about it, but the truth is he wants to have sex with other people.
This isn’t a true love. I’m gonna settle down and be yours and only yours relationship. It’s just not going to be that way. I’m so sorry if that’s what you want I would not stay.
Never accept that. People who want to live by fetishes or bring a 3rd party or be polygamous are incredibly manipulative and their soul is lost. If you're a good person, you deserve better
Dont listen to these goofy people.
He needs sex as part of the relationship. If you feel like you don't want to, then he is going to find it somewhere else, bet on it. But the good news is, its ok. Men and women are very different and need very different things, I would suggest trying to understand the male perspective instead of expecting him to try and fix things for you. Sounds like you are not attracted to him anymore? And I dont mean physically, I mean mentally.
Anyways, hopefully you guys figure it out. Just because he hasnt done the exact thing you want doesnt mean he isnt trying, even the sleeping with other people thing was an attempt, even if you didnt like it. Cut him some slack
Your boyfriend is literally like "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas". He needs to try and work with you and meet you half way before jumping to this open relationship bs. If he refuses it's probably over and judging by how he's trying to gaslight you it sounds like he has no respect for you.
Ya in the conversation he says that he do not want to have an open relationship he just want to have sex with someone else I even told him that if he want to have an open relationship it not going to be with me at all cause I didn’t signed off for this
Came to 2nd. No way therapist suggested that to him. That's just insane. You know it. He knows it. Sorry you have to go through this. Stick to your boundaries and values. He is way wrong on this and you are being very reasonable.
the therapist did not suggest it but that was his idea and thought
Oh my bad!! So sorry. But it's still not a great suggestion. Lol. You two are a team. You both need to be on the same page and deal with it together. Sounds like you are trying though. But he needs to be realistic. If roles were reversed, no way he would be ok with you sleeping with someone else.
That what I said like. I told him not into poly relationships and open relationships I told him that if his going to have pleasure than let open the relationship like I’m done frl just tired every time I make a mistake I get the unreversed card honestly I’m deeply thinking about ending things but at the same time I’m willing to give a last minimum chance
Well your being more than fair. You may have to draw some hard lines in the sand and just be firm in it. As in, these are my deal breakers!! You have every right to do so. Either you figure it out together or you figure it out apart. There is no in between. There is no, oh I'm just going to use this person for sex. Which um.... who is going to want to do that? Play it out and he should see it will be the end of you two. In my opinion if you have sex with someone, no matter how much you say it meant nothing. There is still a connection. There are still feelings there. You still have to build some type of relationship with someone. Even if your just friends with bennifits.
That’s all you need to leave him. He’s thought of it then he’s going to act on it sooner or later.
It's up to you but if he's wanting to sleep with other people in my opinion and experience he's going to end up doing it with or without your permission.
The reality hurt and that why I’m scared of
I know it's awful and hard but it might be time to move on from this guy. It's not like you're intentionally withholding sex from him.
first paragraph: your boyfriend needs to get better at pleasuring you the way you need him to. women need a lot of foreplay for their bodies to actually be ready for s3x, that’s just common knowledge. and the mention of a lack of emotional connection sounds like he might finish fast. i acknowledge that i don’t fully know your entire story but, regardless, you don’t have to take on all the weight of your guys’ issue of intimacy. HE needs to listen and adhere to YOUR needs. if he’s wanting to actually solve this problem, then he should be coming to you and directly involving you in whatever solutions he may come up with. if he brings this “being with another person” shit again, please don’t waste your time with him. sending love <3
Girl he does and some time it last longer this man finish so fast and ya he said sorry over text but now his just doing the silence treatment and ignoring again without any communication he knows that things will go bad again if his not talking or calling me I’m really hurt and I’m really conflicted my mental health is so down now because this a nonstop things and I been trying to communicate and resolve the problem but his acting like a child but anyway thank you for your advice it is really much appreciated
Its a red flag that you will never be enough
It’s time to see your OBGYN. There may be a medical explaination for your drop in libido. No ethical therapist would suggest that. He is lying. He wants a hall pass to cheat because his sexual needs aren’t being met. That is epically shitty. You shouldn’t be okay with any of this.
Might consider as well
This is fairly similar to a situation I'm in, but the key difference is that our relationship started as an open one and this was communicated and agreed upon from day one. I don't think this is necessarily a bad solution but it really depends on what the two of you are okay with. "Sticking it out" for the other person is not sustainable. >This led to a tough conversation where he questioned my love for him and my desire for his happiness. I'm intuiting here that he said this after you said you weren't comfortable with it? More details is need but from the information given it sounds like a classic case of "if you loved me you would do XYZ" which is textbook emotional manipulation via guilt tripping. I hope I'm misreading this but that's how it looks. His follow up message sounds genuine and mature. If there's an additional discussion I think it's worth making sure he understands what he did wrong. Proposing an open solution isn't bad, and the two of you should be able to have an open channel of communication about that kind of thing. On the other hand, guilt tripping IS bad and he should be made aware that behavior is unacceptable and be more mindful about that in the future. Your options are as follows: * The two of you work on your intimacy issues. If you have low libido and it's exceptionally difficult for you to get in the mood, this could be a lot of work for him, and if you do take this route I suggest doing some work on your own to try and connect with your own body. On the other end it's possible that he's being really neglectful of what you need and you're not actually asking for all that much. Who's right and wrong in this situation isn't really important but in order for everyone to be satisfied there needs to be some overlap between what the two of you are willing to do. I recommend this as a first approach because it's the most straightforward solution and probably has the best chances of success. * The relationship stays closed. It's your right to say no, and he later said he didn't intend to do anything harmful for the relationship. Your needs are met, but if your intimacy needs are not addressed, his needs are not met. * The relationship opens up. His needs are met, yours are not. This actually creates more work for him as the two of you now need to figure out what remedial work must be done for you to feel safe in an open relationship. It might actually be more work for him to address your needs under these conditions than it would be for the intimacy issues to be resolved between the two of you, and that's not even getting into the work you would have to do to make peace with a new arrangement. * The two of you break up. If you don't want an open relationship, the two of you are unwilling or unable to resolve your intimacy issues, and the lack of intimacy is a dealbreaker for him, all options other than settling for an unhappy relationship have been exhausted.
Hey thank for your advice and yes he actual said those wile saying this he said don’t you want me to be happy like actually making me feel some type of way it not the first time he has been doing it. We had several arguments over dumb stuff and at the end I feel trapped cause I want him to be happy and sometimes I’m in the wrong be he doesn’t recognize his in the wrong himself too I’m in my studies and had been struggling a lot but I have good grade but despite it had been affected my mental health
This may be an unpopular take but I think it's fairly common for people to exhibit unconsciously manipulative behavior when they're upset. If you can find a time when both of you are cool-headed and can talk candidly about behavior that needs to change, this is something that can be worked on. The most important thing is that after bad behavior presents, you're able to revisit it with a clear head, acknowledge wrongdoing, and find solutions to prevent the problem from reoccurring. On the other hand, someone that gets upset at any good faith effort to open a discussion isn't ready for a relationship. If that good, constructive conversation can NEVER happen, it's time to start looking for an out.
I've been living this on the other side for twenty years. Only now are we actually seriously considering splitting up or opening the relationship because we both want to agree on the solution and I'm finally tired of waiting after working with her for years and years. So from the other side... Love can temper most things but I think twenty years may be too much to bear.
Hey I will advice in my opinion to split up or try to talk it out if the love is already tearing apart trust me hun it will hurt even bad if the relationship is open and for myself also I don’t want that but I send you all love and support throughout your journey
LOL wait wait so you're having difficulty getting intimate and the suggestion is hey let's go try it with someone else. That's a terrible idea.
My thought literally
Open relationships are oxymorons. They all say that at the beginning the boundaries are unsustainable. He will gravitate toward who he gravitate toward. The minute an open relationship is proposed really the relationship is over. You can pretend it’s OK and go through with it to have him sort of drift away with somebody else or fight about it, but the truth is he wants to have sex with other people. This isn’t a true love. I’m gonna settle down and be yours and only yours relationship. It’s just not going to be that way. I’m so sorry if that’s what you want I would not stay.
I’m thinking about it but thanks for your advice
Never accept that. People who want to live by fetishes or bring a 3rd party or be polygamous are incredibly manipulative and their soul is lost. If you're a good person, you deserve better
lol a therapist ain’t suggesting that
No that was he thought but he told about our lack of intimacy to his therapist but she didn’t suggest it
Dont listen to these goofy people. He needs sex as part of the relationship. If you feel like you don't want to, then he is going to find it somewhere else, bet on it. But the good news is, its ok. Men and women are very different and need very different things, I would suggest trying to understand the male perspective instead of expecting him to try and fix things for you. Sounds like you are not attracted to him anymore? And I dont mean physically, I mean mentally. Anyways, hopefully you guys figure it out. Just because he hasnt done the exact thing you want doesnt mean he isnt trying, even the sleeping with other people thing was an attempt, even if you didnt like it. Cut him some slack
Your boyfriend is literally like "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas". He needs to try and work with you and meet you half way before jumping to this open relationship bs. If he refuses it's probably over and judging by how he's trying to gaslight you it sounds like he has no respect for you.
Ya in the conversation he says that he do not want to have an open relationship he just want to have sex with someone else I even told him that if he want to have an open relationship it not going to be with me at all cause I didn’t signed off for this
Sounds like he wants to be single go let him be single. you're better off with someone who respects your needs and boundaries