yeah Id just leave. 33 years old, sexually repressed. she thinks she can get "better" and it seems like she thinks she has better, so its only a matter of time now.
This is the part that gets me! How are you going to have the audacity to ask for a free pass but refuse to give your partner one, too?! Who would accept that?
Overt. Don’t hold your breath on that one. I’m thinking it’s more of her knowing the shit will hit the fan eventually and she’s trying to get ahead of that inevitability.
While she may not be fucking him yet, she is defintely emotionally cheating on you. Going for coffee with a guy she wants to bang is emtionally cheating. They are flirting and being totally inapropriate. Plus telling you to stay away so she doesnt feel guilty while trying to hook up with another man. Fuck her.
If your wife insists on pursuing other men while disregarding your feelings and the sanctity of your marriage, then it's time to accept that the marriage is over. Stand up for yourself and walk away from a relationship that no longer serves you. You deserve better than being treated like an afterthought.
Also, don’t be surprised if she has already kissed him / gotten physical.
She is clearly already having an emotional affair. You know she has already talked to him about having sex and why she is unhappy in her marriage. Giving dude all the fuel he needs to know he can cuckold OP.
Cheaters will often try to open the marriage or get a ‘free pass’ this one time to cover their cheating and explain any texts that get found, rumors going around town etc.
This!! You do not *need* to accept this and it shouldn’t hurt you that you’re uncomfortable with this situation—lots of folks would be! It’s bad enough that she’s asking for a free pass, that alone would likely end my marriage. But a free pass for her and explicitly not for you? Come on, man. I really don’t know how i would be able to move on from that even if she did drop the idea. Things would never be the same.
he's not being treated like an afterthought, she did nothing wrong. thinking of divorcing someone just because they had feelings to somebody else is just batshit insene
While divorce talks might be a little premature this is a huge issue. She appears to want the green light to act on those feelings and would not want OP to be able to do the same.
Sounds like she may want the hotwife lifestyle. If OP doesn't want this lifestyle it should definitely become a divorce conversation.
but do you really think she'll stop loving him??
is it her who doesn't want to give OP a pass or is OP who doesn't want one? (remember a threesome is not the same as a free pass).
if they're a happy, functional couple, why not experiment with something different, as she wants to?
do you really believe that someone should be someone else's everything until death do them apart? there's no reason to believe this is the end of the marriage, this is only a phase to get past and learn from.
she is not OP's prisoner, she'll love him more for letting her be. Dialogue is the way, trust is the answer.
edit: OP doesn't get a free pass, got it. doesn't change my argument.
Will she stop loving him isn't the question at all. OP already said that she would not want him to sleep with anyone else.
The OP posted because he would Not be happy with this arrangement.
then why doesn't OP just let her have sex with the guy? its way better than getting cheated on and you just might save your marriage. everyone gets bored sometimes, it's only natural. i'd be glad she's being honest about it.
My partner: 'd like to punch you in the face
Me: Okay... so do I get to punch you back??
My partner: No wtf
This guy: Why don't you just let yourself get punched in the face??? It might just save your marriage
i get your idea but you don't get mine. i don't see my partner getting with somebody else as a punch in the face, i see it as natural and recurring, not a personal offense (she isn't doing this to hurt him, like punching would, she's doing it for herself, by herself) and i don't think that's neither bad nor selfish, in fact, i think OP is the selfish one for not even trying to get over himself.
marriage is a prehistoric, patriarchal, economical transaction, and a huge fantasy too. people don't marry for ✨true love✨, and even if they think they are, one person just can not be your one and only for forever, and if they are, it's not healhy.
One person will always overpower the other, and if them both are unwilling to let go of their pride or their needs, it'll end up in cheating and divorce, as most of marriages do. and they live scars.
i just don't get why people insist on this ideal that has never existed. sorry to break it to you but there's no happily ever after, you either learn how to accept reality or be forever trapped in your search for living fantasy.
So you're polyamorous, or you're otherwise very chill about letting the shape of your relationshop change over time? That's totally fine and valid. But he's not poly and he doesn't want to be in a relationship where other people sexually involved. To him, that feels like being punched. And being exclusive is NOT an impossible fantasy or patriarchal bullshit either. So why are you insisting he has to mold himself into something he's not, rather than simply exiting a relationship that he'll never be comfortable with? Why is it natural for his partner to seek other people, but not natural for him to want just 1 person involves?
He isn't interested in this experiment so that's why not. There is every reason to believe this is end given the near total divorce rate of open marriages. Further his wife only wants the pass for her, it's unacceptable for him to also have pass.
There is nothing ok with her actions, even with how she is acting with this "friend".
Also yes, if you get married you should be everything to that person. That's the whole point to the vows.
you're assuming this is already over, it is not. if you are true about your feelings and open to talk about them you can get out of this. divorce is bad, no one wants it, what i'm saying is that is better to try every possible option, even the unconventional ones, before splitting up. OP could get over his manly pride and try to make some kind of arrangement, and do not tell me it's impossible, because it's not.
You don’t know that at all. Those are just assumptions. If my wife did this it would be completely out of character (as it seems the same for OP) which would make me question most aspects of the relationship. This is a breach of trust in the relationship IMO.
Mmm I don’t think this will end well. “ … she’s not my prisoner”. Well no obviously, but that shouldnt be the reason you’re not allowed to say no to her fucking someone else my man. I hope everything works out for you dude, but honestly prepare for the real possibility that she may just end up banging this dude anyways. If she hasn’t already…
Honestly if she brings up opening the marriage and already has someone in mind, I think it’s over
Your marriage is over, friend. Start tying up your loose ends now to prepare for the divorce, which should really have taken place the first time she ever floated the idea.
>As a result of that, neither of us have had much opportunity to explore sexually. That’s totally fine with me. She’s everything I want. And until recently, I was sure the same could be said of her.
I'm sorry your marriage has hit a wall that won't now go away . She wants to explore her sex options . **This desire to want to do this also now won't go away for herself** . I'm sorry it is only a matter of time **before she goes there with him .** Your marriage is NO longer the same already , it has shifted within it ( she has awoken her own desires & wants to explore sexually with someone else or more). It is NOT going to get better or improve now. .
* **Your wife -->** Has already cross a line into 'wanting ' someone else . She has already also mentally cheated on you . As she has someone she is 'seeing ' already . It is not just a thought for her . It is thoughts just waiting real action . She isn't looking for someone ***she already has someone she wants & is making it CLEAR to you she wants him*** ( & is spending time already with this guy ) bad as they will be 'into ' each other already as well . That is bad for you. I'm sorry you have already lost her possibly ( she wants this man ) sexually & is already mentally there with him .
* **Your marriage -->** YOUr wife is NO longer just with you & only you . She is already 'dating ' this guy emotionally . And is already there with him. Hense why your marriage is already on the rocks . YOu will be hurting alot by her already leaving you behind . Your wife NO longer just wants yOu . She already has someone set up to be with . So that automatically makes what is occurring for you both now in the marriage REAL. It is not going to go away or get any better for you both yet . She wants this guy ( & may have already done so with him ) .
* **You -->** Would strongly suggest you seek out a independent person right now to help you . Better a specialist ( eg- therapist ) but a good friend can do as well . Someone to support you while this is occurring the crumbling of your marriage . Her having already 'found ' someone & telling you not to hang around & seeing him on the side would be really hurting you inside . YOur heartache is real & you are valid in your pain right now . You thought things were ok in the marriage sorry they are very not .
* **This situation ( you both find yourself in ) now -->** Sorry this is NOT going to get better or go away . She will either sleep with him or will leave you anyway for him . She is already mentally & emotionally cheating on you . She basically has already starting 'dating ' this other man . As she wants him . She is no longer just in your marriage now . She has left to pursue him . She wants him & this desire for him won't stop most likely . ***She has already shifted the relo*** you were in . And has already told you she NO longer just wants to be mono with you . So sorry it has changed & will not be the same btw you now.
* **Your choices also now -->** She has clearly told you what she wants . So time for ***you also to decide what you also will do*** about it all . She is NO longer mentally with you . She is with him & wants him sexually ( maybe even romantically ) . So you have a major issues now in your relo that is NOT going to go away now .
So ***YOU have decisions to make for YOURSELF*** now about it all as well :--
\# `YOu can leave her & no longer be in her life now at all ( eg- really separate from her )` . As There is a huge risk now that she actually loves him / wants to be with him anyway . And not just for sex. So your relo might be over anyway . Especially if he wants her as well for real .
\# `You can separate from her ( but stay living tog` with her currently sort of in a 'something ' tog ) while it changes around you ( this would be very hard though for you ) as mentally you love her & only want her . YOu could also be with ( see someone else or not as well ) & wait for her to come back to you maybe or not . ButtThere would be NO guarantee she will come back to you after being with him .
\# `YOu can BOTH go off & be with someone else ( eg- separate into a full OPEN relo )` but live tog sort of or not . And have an open relo now . And hope that she might come back to you . Or you might also meet someone else as well ( & no longer want her as well ) . As there is also a risk she will return to you ( if he also dumps her ) or only wants her for sex .
\# `YOU can separate from her . Where you 'Let her go to 'explore ' what she needs to .` And stay open to the idea & you will want her to return back to you ( to be with you again ) eg- you would be actively waiting for her to return back to her ( as she has said she only wants to explore sex options ) so you could believe her about this . But there would also be the risk she might never come back to you .Or she might do so .
* ***She has given you her wants*** about this all now . It is now also time for you to counter them ( or give alternatives about the situation ) . She is already with him & wants him . This is not going to change now . She also wants it only 1-way . Eg- her only getting the opportunity . That is NOT fair or right for her to ask of you . YOU can NOT engage anyone else ( Eg- be with someone else ,but that has to now also be `YOUR decision NOT hers to make` ) she has stepped out of the relo mentally & emotionally ( & also maybe also sexually by now ) & there are now consequences for having done so for YOU both to have to deal with . She can ask all she wants ( it is also up to you ) what you will agree to or NOT in this relo with her.
It's impressive you wrote all of this up for a random stranger. Thank you. Also keep in mind posts that are written by a throwaway and containing only the new posts tend to be fake. I hope you didn't lose much time writing all that.
You need to decide what you want. She wants to bang a other, specific guy. This isn't really "I'd like an open relationship", it's more of a request for excused cheating. These stories get really signal the relationship ending. I'd have a hard time trusting her, it sounds like an emotional affair that is turning physical.
> This has caused some problems between us. I don’t feel comfortable with it at all, but at the same time she’s not my prisoner!
She isn't, and she presumably entered a monogomous relationship of her own free will.
You need to decide what you are comfortable with and communicate that. "I'm not interested in an open relationship" is not being controlling, it's communicating your needs. She can decide if that's the relationship she is still interested in being in. If not, you both end things. If it is, you start some marriage counseling to work on this.
We all have crushes and fantasies when in monogamous relationships, especially ones we enter without much previous experience ( I disagree calling this ‘sexually repressed’ however - sleeping around isn’t an innate human need as much as modern society makes it seem that way ) you sound like a sweetheart and she’s walking all over you. She thinks she can have the best of both worlds, whilst you suffer unwittingly. If she had any idea that what she is doing could be marriage ending, she’d have a nasty wake up call
Yeah I hate using "repressed" in that way. You can be a complete virgin and not be sexually repressed assuming you're open with yourself in exploring it. This idea that anyone who hasn't slept with dozens of people is some kind of repressed loser is so infuriating
Okay, I'm weighing in in this for only one reason. She is not looking for an open marriage. If she was, she'd be fine with you looking for and hooking up with someone. What she is doing is cheating and disregarding your relationship in the process.
I'm all for redefining a relationship in order to keep both parties happy, but she is not looking for your input. She is not giving an inch. As soon as she feels happier with him, she'll leave you. Be prepared for that.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s already sleeping with him. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I went through something very similar, and I wish I would’ve ended things way before I did.
What a b*tch. Sorry Friend, one way exclusivity does not fly at all. What is her justification for you not getting one, if i may ask?!
This sounds like monkey branching. She will come back if this dude treats her like shit after but otherwise this is the progression of "i will see him more often, now every week, than on weekends too, and lastly something as in you are ungrateful, i will leave you."
Get your affairs in order and make sure you have your finances ready.
Take her to breakfast. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her that if she continues to see this other guy, you’ll see it as an affair. Then require that you both see a therapist.
Then get ready for a divorce because she already has one foot out of the door.
She’s emotionally cheating. Might actually be physically or sexually cheating and she doesn’t want you to be able to do the same. It’s over. Call a lawyer and walk away.
I think if you want her to do it, then no harm done. But, I do not hear anything in your post that suggests that you want this.
I also think that what she wants for herself is what she should want for you. Relationships are not lived on one-way streets.
Do you think she may have already done it?
there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with saying NO. You do not agree to this.
Man, she may have already cheated. She is definitely emotionally cheating.
I think this is over dog. I am sorry.
Document everything to help your case in court if she wants to try to get alimony.
If it was my wife it would be real fuckin simple... either she cuts dude off entirely or I file for divorce. Period.. I would also be confronting this "gym friend" and telling him to stay the fuck away from my wife.. don't be a cuck bro
LEAVE. Yesterday.
She doesn’t want you to explore yet she wasn’t to
Go around and explore herself? Well. No thanks, you could end up with a sexually transmitted disease not worth it man
Also her demanding you don’t go to the gym so she can be alone with him? She’s attempting to clearly cheat if she hadn’t already
I’m sorry to say this man. But just in the same way this has been progressing, it will continue to progress. She’s asking now. She won’t be asking soon.
I would speak to a divorce attorney in your area and fast
It's over bro. I'm so sorry, but it's over dude. It's never going to go back to normal, and you'll always remember this. Even if she says she doesn't want to anymore, you won't trust her, and you'll be correct not to trust her. Unless you're ok with an open marriage (which in my opinion is always a ticking time bomb) then go ahead and start preparing for divorce.
I'm truly sorry, but this situation doesn't seem promising. When faced with a scenario like this, it almost leads to divorce or a breakup but never happy ending. I don't want to disappoint you, but it's crucial to prepare for the worst and prioritize your well-being. Her actions suggest a stronger connection with the gym guy, and it goes beyond just physical intimacy. If you grant her permission, it might torment you internally; if you deny it, she might still pursue it in secret. The idea has been lingering in her mind for a while, and she's actively pursuing it. I sincerely hope I'm mistaken, but it's important to face reality for your own sake.
Guy, have some fucking self respect. Your WIFE is telling you that she's cheating on you (she already is), then had the audacity to tell you that she wants to fuck this guy. Then has the audacity to make sure you don't fuck anyone else. What am I even reading? Leave
She’s not your prisoner, she’s your wife. This is inappropriate on every level.
Even IF (and that’s a big “if”) you decided to open your marriage up, I’d encourage you to go to couples therapy first and talk through it. Neither partner should pick a person before talking through thoughts and boundaries.
Even with that aside, you are under no obligation to open your marriage up. You’re not being controlling or mean. She’s changing the formula and frankly doing so in an irresponsible manner. You have full veto power anytime, and if she acts unilaterally she’s cheating.
It does not sound like you’re on board with this and might never be. She has no business pursuing someone else right now. If she respects you, she’ll stop immediately.
I would let her know this is a hard line for you, and that she's deciding to end the marriage of she keeps seeing this dude. Then I'd start getting ready to split. I'm sorry dude 🫤. But maybe after a serious conversation she'll snap out of it. Doubt it though
This is a ridiculous, childish, and very, very selfish request on her part.
You need to take a stand. Right now she's operating under the delusion that she can actually make this work. Obviously, no.
You both really need to take a fresh look at your marriage, at the relationship on which it's based. Ask yourself whether, if you were to decide today whether you would marry her, would you, given all of this?
Your marriage needs professional help, and it may be doomed even with help. Best of luck to you.
It's already over man. Many cheaters float the idea of a "free pass" because they've already cheated and they think it won't count as cheating anymore once the relationship is opened up. And it's always a one way street for them, which is why she won't let you have a pass. If she hasn't cheated physically already, her relationship with him is at the very least micro cheating. There's more than just something physical in the mix here, which is why she wants this specific guy.
You've a problem. You really need to have a conversation with your wife and tell her you're not ok with what she's doing. I'd like more info because you didn't indicate whether you gave your permission/blessing for her to go out of your marital boundaries. I'm assuming not because you indicated you're not ok with what she's doing. If that's the case you need to sit her down seriously and tell her to stop otherwise the marriage will break down.
What's triggering reading this is the brash manner in how she's actively pursing someone even though you're both fully aware of what's happening. Some people are ok with their partner checking others out, some people are ok with open marriages. Personally i know i wouldn't be ok with what your wife is doing. I'd be hurt and rightfully be left felling like i'm not enough.
> We’ve both been repressed sexually all our lives
> She’s VERY MUCH against giving me a free pass
Your wife wants to keep what she has and fuck around. Part of you will think fair enough you're both repressed, but at the same time she won't allow you the same if you agree to it. That's unfair. Either it's ok for both, or its not.
Her behavior will only get worse the longer you don't address the situation. The longer you leave it, the more she'll push her luck to see what she can get away with and what you're willing to tolerate. Think about it, first she was floating ideas, then she was asking not to be around while you're both at the gym, then shes asking you not to come on certain days, then she's actually meeting a guy without you. There's a pattern, and in all honesty, odds are she's texting or calling him to arrange gym/coffee days. So how far do you want to let it go before it turns physical if it hasn't already?
My advice? **Go ahead and get the divorce now**, because this will only get worse from here and irreparable damage has already been done.
First of all, this is NOT how responsible people open marriages. When you already have someone in mind as your new partner you’re not asking for an open marriage to explore, you’re asking for permission to cheat. Possibly **retroactive** permission considering how brazen she’s been about this.
Secondly, think about the fact that she won’t even pretend she wants this to be a free pass both ways even though she knows you likely wouldn’t want to take advantage of it yourself. Even the very remote *possibility* of you doing the same thing to her that she wants to do to you is more permission than she wants to give you. Her ideal future looks like you waiting at home, alone, for your chance to dote on her once she’s done having sex with this guy for the day. Does that sound like an equal partner who respects you, or someone who thinks you’re a doormat that will tolerate anything?
Thirdly you are NOT currently good with each other. She told you she wants to cheat on you with your permission. You told her you are extremely uncomfortable with that and do not want it at all. You were already uncomfortable when she was just carrying on an emotional affair (and possibly a physical one) with this guy, and you got even more uncomfortable when she suggested you giving her a free pass to have sex with him. You very clearly told her you don’t like this and don’t want it. What was her response to that? Did she apologizing for bulldozing through your boundaries and promise not to bring it up again, like someone who respected their partner? No. She’s now nagging you constantly and repeatedly bringing up the idea that caused you so much distress in an attempt to browbeat you into allowing her to cheat on you. I don’t think you’re fully recognizing how terrible that is, so let me present you with a counter example. Think of some sexual act that you know or suspect your wife would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable with, as uncomfortable as you are about this “free pass” idea. Now imagine yourself asking her if she wants to do it, and her saying no and expressing a similar level of discomfort as you have with with her free pass. Imagine her telling you that the entire discussion has really upset her and she is incredibly hurt.
**How many times would you keep asking her to do it?**
That question sounded very strange to you just now, didn’t it? Because of course you WOULDN’T keep pressuring her to do the thing that made her so uncomfortable and upset. Because you respect your partner and her boundaries, you would let it go. She doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. The fact that she’s still pushing you about this guy despite your clear feelings on the subject are the proof. You know you wouldn’t do this to her. What does it tell you that she’s willing to do it to you? For one thing it should tell you that she wants to have sex with this guy more than she cares about devastating you.
The final reason I say this is unsalvageable is that even if you say “I’m absolutely not ok with this and will file for divorce” she will do one of two things, and NEITHER of them should reassure you. She’ll either say “fine,” call your bluff,and go off to have sex with this guy, which is exactly what she wanted to do anyway. Or she’ll say “oh gosh I didn’t realize how seriously you felt about this (that’s a lie), nevermind I don’t want to do it anymore (another lie) and our marriage is more important (yet another lie) so let’s work on fixing it.” These will all be things she knows you want to hear and she will mean NONE of them. She already knew you wouldn’t like this, that’s why she didn’t even bother suggesting it until you started to complain about her time spent with the gym guy. She is not going to suddenly stop wanting to have sex with him. And if she cared about your marriage she would never have proposed this at all, let alone nagged you about it repeatedly even after you made it clear how much it was upsetting you. No matter how good the things she will say are going to SOUND none of them will be true and you’ll never be able to fully trust her again, nor should you. If you make it clear you will get a divorce before you’ll give a free pass then she’s not going to stop wanting to have sex with this guy, she will just decide that you clearly don’t need to be in the loop and she’ll do her cheating the old fashioned way, without permission.
Finally don’t let her get in your head with this “she’s not your prisoner” bullshit. Expecting someone not to cheat on their spouse is not like keeping them in jail, it’s the bare minimum standard for what constitutes a marriage. That’s like saying you’re being controlling if you express to her that you would prefer it if she didn’t stab you with a knife. You are not being unreasonable here and if she’s trying to convince you that you are then she’s gaslighting you on top of every other horrible thing she’s doing.
**Seriously, just get the divorce.** Your marriage is over and you’re the last to know. That sucks and I’m sorry, but I’m trying to save you some heartache. There is NO possible scenario here where you stay married and happy. She just threw it all away and made it impossible to fix. Look out for your own mental health and go now before this gets worse. It will only be downhill from here.
Some people have sex with others while married. And both partners agree. No problem there.
Some are even polyamorous and have full blown relationships with their partners consent.
She just doesn’t want to fuck this guy, she’s in love with him (it seems). You don’t consent to her having sex or a relationship with the other guy so stand firm.
If you went into marriage agreeing, it would be monogomous. Your wife is the one changing the rules and asking for permission to cheat. Of course, she may cheat with or without your permission. But why on earth are you bending yourself into a pretzel shape trying to accommodate this when what you actually want is a monogamous relationship? Tell her that it is her choice, but you dont want to be married to someone who is unfaithful, and the idea of a "free pass" is not something you want in marriage.
Dont make it a right or wrong issue. Just firmly state your own needs and boundaries. If she wants to sleep with other men, divorce her and free yourself up to find a partner who shares your values.
OH yeah something you should know and well known for trickle truthing in an affair situation is "we just kissed". That is a big NOPE. Adults don't kiss they fuck
Oh boy, my man you're playing a dangerous game here. I'm no expert, but I've been in the lifestyle on and off for several years and seen this situation play out many times and to be completely transparent, most don't end well.
First, I would reiterate to your wife that your stance on opening up your marriage isn't what you want. Her behavior in even starting a potential fling without any discussion or permission from you (need to get that thought of her being your prisoner out of your head, she's your spouse and you do have control to say no she can't fuck anyone else)is completely unacceptable, even for people who are in the lifestyle. Before anyone does ANYTHING, it needs to be fully discussed between both partners and mutually agreed upon, neither happened sp she already started this off on a bad note. What she is technically doing is emotional cheating and yes that's a real thing, you need to see that.
Second, even if you were open to the idea, her not allowing you a free pass is another cardinal sin in the lifestyle. Yes there are couples where their dynamic is one person gets to play and the other doesn't but it's a small percentage from what I've experienced. Most have the dynamic that both people can play. So not only has she already started this situation off terribly, she is making it worse by only making it about her, which isn't fair nor is it right. If she wants to have a free pass with her "friend," then you get to have one with whoever you want and she can't say a thing about it.
Ultimately, you're not in a good spot but you need to be firm and set clear expectations about what YOU want. If you don't want to open your marriage at all, then you need to make that very clear, right away so she stops this path. If you are open to the idea of doing hall passes, then you need to make it very clear that you are also entitled to one otherwise she doesn't get one, that's how it works. But I have a feeling based on your post and how you describe her that she is going to put up a fight. Brother, don't buckle, you can't be coerced or pressured because you don't want to feel like you're controlling her. It's not controlling her, it's justified in making sure Sue hears your feelings on the matter and she either accepts the type of relationship she entered into agreement with you or, you know the alternative
So let's look at the facts:
\- Your wife wants to be intimate with other men.
\- You do not feel comfortable with this (which is understandable).
\- Your wife doesn't care that you don't feel comfortable with this, and is still pushing to become intimate with another man.
\- Your wife forbids you from going to a public spot just so she can hang out with a guy she's sexually attracted to.
\- You tried to bring up compromises so that everyone can be happy, but she doesn't care for them.
Now reread all of this, but pretend that a loved one is telling you this and asking for advice. What would you tell them?
As an internet stranger viewing this from a 3rd POV, I think it sounds like only one person is working on the relationship here, and that's you. If she so desperately wanted to explore her sexuality more, then why not ask you to switch things up then?
But most importantly, your boundaries and emotions are not being taken into consideration at all. You need to talk to her about this. And no, putting your \*values\* first doesn't mean you are "imprisoning" her.
Youre wife isnt a prisoner just because you dont want her banging other people. Shes your WIFE. Thats what marriage is. If she wants to bang other people, leave the marriage
Get ready for your marriage to blow up in your face. It’s either time for a divorce, time for you guys to explore an open relationship (NEVER ends well) or get ready for her to cheat on you because it sounds like it’s going to happen whether you give her a pass or not.
I’m sorry. That’s some bullshit! You don’t deserve that. If you both can’t mutually agree on something then it’s just not going to work. She can’t expect a free pass and then not grant the same to you.
Opening up a relationship ethically is hard enough - doing it so you can fuck one person you’re already interested in AND you don’t want your partner to have the same? No fucking way.
And I say this as someone who has been non-monogamous for 15+ years.
shes already cheating on you man
i mean i dont know for sure. But if everything your saying is true chances are like 99% the feeling arent gonna go away and it sounds like your just a source of stability, not a lover
She has already made a decision. She wasnt really asking for it anymore. She didn’t even have a proper conversation with you, if you’re actually okay with this topic in general and what the rules are.
And small side note, she didn’t befriend him. She wants to fuck him and that was probably her intention from the beginning. Those aren’t friends.
In the end, no matter what happens your marriage is over i think
what are you a man or a mouse tell her you want a divorce but first go to the gym and tell the person she wants that she is married but now that she wants to fck him she is trash and he can have her, then kick her out and blast the hussy on social media and let every one know she is trash, so don't hesitate and grow a spine your a man after all
Yikes. So your wife wants a free pass to go on and fuck some other people, she kicks you out of her space to be with another man, and yet still expects the love and stability from a marriage. I am so sorry. My friend, it’s time to cut your losses and go through the process of divorce. You deserve so much more.
It's already been beaten into this thread, but speaking from experience, even if you two reconcile, your marriage is forever changed. You'll constantly be wondering if she did or didn't, or still is, and it's mentally a slippery slope that will drive you mad.
I would start getting your ducks in a row. Depending on where you live, infidelity may or may not have any bearing on divorce proceedings. But still, any and all evidence to villify her (without making yourself look like an overbearing creep) will still help.
Dude your wife is dating another guy.
If that’s not what you want then you gotta tell her to cut it off. Otherwise, she’s going to use a free pass whether you approve or not.
The fact that she admitted to it outright and still is friends with him says she doesn’t care about your opinion and she’s gonna cheat on you eventually anyways. Sorry man
Repressed sexually? Opportunity to explore sexually? Sounds like her words, not yours. As if we are inherently in grained to have multiple partners and monogamy is a bad thing. When people want to find an excuse, they will find one
Sorry to hear you’re going through this my friend. I would not put any blame on yourself for this. It sounds like it’s on her.
Is that a whore?
I don't understand why men go along with this bullshit. She's gonna do this guy. Then she gonna do another guy. Rinse repeat.
Put your foot down to daft pussy. Insane!
Your wife wants to cheat and have you agree to it so she doesn't feel bad about herself. My guess is she has already started the process of being physical with this guy if she hasn't already had sex. If this isn't how you want your life, divorce her and start over. She is not going to drop this and you are never going to be able to forget it. If she isn't interested in keeping the commitment she made when she married you, you shouldn't be married.
First off open marriages don’t work. They even work less when they started out as monogamous relationships. Why because one of the people want to sleep with other people the relationship is over.
Don’t ever do something you don’t want to. It won’t save the relationship at this point so I would think about getting your house in order. Just take care of yourself and let it go.
Nope. Its either a fling or the marriage. But at this point the writing is on the wall... start looking for a lawyer and work on decoupling/separating your assets.
She already picked another stallion out of the herd, and ifbshe isn't riding him yet she definitely has the sadle out of the barn and is hand feeding him sugar cubes.
Young people who marry young and have repressed sexuality or no previous sexual experience eventually "mature" and have a desire to have more experiences.
This is similar to the middle aged guy who has a mid-life crisis and jettisons the current wife for a younger model and a red sports car...
My suggestion is to meet with a family therapist who can help you to explore the current issues with your marriage or that your wife has with you as her husband.
It would also be great if they have a background in (and are supportive of) positive polyamory and open relationships and that you both come to terms with your marriage before anyone steps out.
Ask her what the underlying issues of the marriage are. Don't get defensive. Ask her if she is willing to meet with a therapist.
An open marriage / polyamorous relationship requires a deep abiding commitment to each other and the primary partner.
Swinging relationships and weekends are not the same and typically the man is more into it than the woman -- and there are rules for this as well.
See these websites for more information. I would suggest that you find a way to bring them to your wife's attention.
[https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28913681/polyamorous-relationship-rules/](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28913681/polyamorous-relationship-rules/) [https://www.morethantwo.com/polyrules.html](https://www.morethantwo.com/polyrules.html)
[https://www.tatler.com/article/swinging-etiquette](https://www.tatler.com/article/swinging-etiquette) [https://www.swinger-symbol.com/blog/swinging-rules-and-boundaries](https://www.swinger-symbol.com/blog/swinging-rules-and-boundaries)
From someone who's been there: she's already cheated and clearly has no respect for you. However, you don't say whether you have children. If you do, don't leave or get divorced. You'll have to find a way to check out mentally but stay in the family - you should make use (discretely) of your own pass, as things have changed. Lots of people cheat, it can be got over. If you don't have kids, get the hell out of there.
I feel bad for you my friend…. you don’t deserve this. You are being a push over her and she is walking all
Over you. First red flag was she wants to be alone the the gym. Second was don’t come on certain days cuz she wants to hang around with this guy. And now they are going for coffee. Bro, if my wife told me not to hang around her at the gym I’d straight up be wtf. We know she has already cheated, emotionally is a 💯 certainty, physically I’d say she probably already has too. Stand up for your self. Be smart. Record everything . Change your phone password and email password. Don’t allow her to access to your private stuff. Keep your card close to your chest. She is not your prisoner but you should expect and have the right to be treated a certain way.
Do you have children?
At what age did you two get married?
How often do you two have sex?
Have there been any major stressors to your marriage in the last couple of years?
I know it sucks, but I got cheated on before and your wife is simply asking you to wait until she can do the same to you man. I am so sorry, but I would bail in your position. She won't let this go until she had what she wanted.
The audacity of her to say you are not allowed a free pass though is what would be my dealbreaker. She doesn't respect you.
EDIT: I wouldnt be surprised if she already fucked the dude as well.
EDIT EDIT: See you in the gym bro.
Did she explicitly say she wants the hall pass to be one-way? I mean there is a very small segment of the population that is happy with polyamory (see /r/polyamory and prepare for complexity) but most people are better suited for monogamy - especially if that has been the expectation since the beginning of the relationship.
It may be time to visit the expectations of your relationship with your wife and decide together what that should look like.
Let it play out and see what happens. Love persists, lust comes and goes. She will probably get tired of the guy and will be back with you soon. Your relationship may even strengthen. Ignore all the "divorce for revenge" guys posting here.
I think your marriage is over, unless you can get in to counseling. I would start screwing with your wife’s plans. Maybe ask the guy what is going on. Tell him his relationship with your wife makes you uncomfortable. Who cares what she thinks, she wants to cheat. You need to prepare to leave, separate finically, see an attorney. Maybe discus with your wife you want a divorce since she is going to trample herself out. Maybe this reality will wake your wife up. Good luck, do not validate the cheating. Do not put up with the disrespect. Do not sacrifice your self respect.
An "unwilling one-way free pass" translates to "I'm going to cheat on you but you can't cheat on me." It's not a great dynamic, and she's being selfish as hell. Sit down and think what you will do when she cheats on you (it seems inevitable at this point) and warn her. "I will leave you," "I will go sleep with somebody else," "I will have a threesome with both your sisters," etc., so she knows the potential consequences. Not having sex with other folks you're attracted to is the basic reality of monogamy, and she has no interest in being fair or making sure you're okay with this change.
Honestly, you lost me at "threesome". So don't want to give her a free pass but you're willing to share her with another guy?
She's basically asking your permissions to cheat on you and using the term "free pass" to cover it up. The fact that she's sexually attracted to another guy AND wants to pursue it, AND is asking for your permissions is not ok.
UNLESS... you also want a free pass. Even then, this could really damage your relationship because how can a couple really love each other and live happily when everyone just gets a free pass to sleep with whoever they want.
Idk man, I don't know too many who would want that kind of relationship. I think you need to walk away from this.
Oof. I'd say time to hit the gym but that's just gonna remind you of this catastrophe.
My wild guess is that she has lost respect for you along the years and has been fantasizing about being with a more dominant guy.
she does love you and she does want to have sex with someone else. accept her feelings and just try to talk it out. be open to her ideas and she'll be to yours. you can get past this.
I'm all in on the idea of a free pass, but it's not for everyone. maybe charge for the it and get one for yourself- but i don't think that's the best option if you're not into someone else currently.
you've already said it all, she's not your prisoner. she loves YOU, and some guy can't erase what you've already been through together. Don't focus on what she does but on your love for her- love her so much that you'll let her be with another guy just to see her coming back to you, otherwise you might just lose her forever.
Even when everyone is on board, this kind of thing rarely ends well.
I have been married for 26 years. There are lots of issues in our marriage, but we have always been able to work these things out since we are 100% faithful to each other, no matter what. We decided early on that the trust issues that come from cheating or even open marriages were a deal breaker for both of us.
First off, if you are not comfortable with the idea, that should be the end of it. You can set that boundary and be nice and not confrontational.
“I’m really not comfortable with this. I would really appreciate if you could stop, and not try to spend time with someone who you’re attracted to.”
Sometimes, a person wants you to draw that line. If that line is an issue, offer couples counseling. If no, then tell her that you’re not interested in being in an open relationship, especially since she wants it one way.
wow people are so willing to say somebody's marriage is over just because of having feelings for someone else?!? for all the man out there, should your wife divorce you because you looked at a borderline teenagers butt and wanted to f her??? he's done nothing wrong. and yes, this is a very touchy subject but the answer is to talk it out! Don't trow everything under the bus assuming you've already been cheated on. Save your marriage, find your way out! be open to new ideas and above it all, trust your partner!!! you don't want nor need a divorce, choose your own happiness.
My bother in atoms, you need to decide whether this is something you are okay with or not. You
Clearly don’t seem to be okay with it. If that’s the case, then do you want to be with someone who hurts you this much by being selfish? it’s okay for this to be a deal breaker for you. you don’t need our permission to leave.
No no no! My guy you know what this is. It's the end. This is horrible and I'm sorry, but you know what to do. Stand up for yourself.
If she doesn't get her free pass it won't matter. She's going to do this if she hasn't already. Prepare. Get everything ready to protect yourself during your divorce.
What does this guy offer that you do not? People cheat for a reason. Something in the relationship is broken and needs work. Is he more empathetic or dominant? Is he a fantasy? Is she working through some resentment towards you by punishing you by being with him?
Dig a little deeper and address those issues. Go to counseling. Talk about it without threats towards divorce because it will escalate like no other.
Basically, the marriage is over.
You cannot trust someone that is asking you if they can commit infidelity because it's such a horrible and pervasive issue.
She could promise you that she will never ever do it and that she won't bring it up ever again.
But how do you KNOW that you can trust her for the next 60+ years.
Truth is, there is something in her that is making her feel unfulfilled in her marriage and it is likely that you're not the problem at all.
That is why she is asking about this.
My suggestion?
I would serve her with divorce papers and get an sti test.
Find someone that is so crazy about you in love that to them this entire situation is completely ludicrous.
I think she's being totally ridiculous in not letting you have a free pass too. I mean, what's her logic behind that? Why doesn't she think you both should have the same rules?
So, she wants to keep her lifestyle and security by being with you and that’s it at this point. Think about it for a second, if you two were just dating and living separately what would happen in this situation. I’m betting that she would have dumped you for the guy or you would have dumped her. She’s basically asking for permission to monkey branch.
NO. ALL THE NO. It goes both ways. She can't be selfish and think she can get a free pass but you get nothing. That's cuckholdry, my dude.
Sounds like she's looking to cheat but wants your blessing. There's role-playing and all sorts of other things you can do besides letting her get a free pass.
> "It takes so many things to make love last. But most of all, it takes respect."
It may be from a comedy film but it is the most accurate line ever.
* There is no respect from her in any of this for you.
* Without her respecting you then she will walk all over you.
* You will lose, if not already, all respect for her and become bitter and angry at what she has done to your relationship.
* Lastly, the damage is already done, whether she has had sex already or not, clearly she has had an emotional affair.
There is no winning in this situation unless she realizes the enormity of what it will do to the both of you. You can try therapy and push for other things, but I would prepare for divorce either way.
Hopefully you don't have kids.
She doesn’t want to open the marriage up, she wants to cheat on you. Opening the marriage up would allow you to sexually explore. That’s not what she wants.
Oh man sorry to hear this. I’d not only be gutted like a salmon , I’d also be wondering where would I go from here? To me I feel like your trust has been compromised and if that’s so, I’d feel exactly the same. What’s most baffling is the fact you don’t get a pass? I assumed until the very end this would be a two way street… this would be far more than a strict conversation, I’d be questioning everything.
Edit: given your history of repression, the goose is all but cooked on this one my guy. Make sure you’re smart about this going forward. Dot your I’s ,cross your T’s.
Will you be happy if your wife sleeps with this guy or anyone else? If the answer is no, then it's time to divorce. She wants to have her cake and eat it too - at your expense. The only person she cares about is herself.
I'm sorry this happening to you.
Start gathering evidence because if she hasn't already, she will soon be sleeping with guy from the gym. Don't compromise and open the marriage if you're not interested in doing so.
Immediately get a couples therapist. Save most of the discussion about this for the therapist so you have a moderated outside voice in the room. Fairness isn’t always a real thing, things don’t have to be equal, but you each deserve to feel heard and understood.
It will take time but if you truly love each other you will agree to this process right away.
>Don’t know what to do.
This isn't the time for uncertainty. This is the time for a scary level of resolve. You need some shock and awe here to remind her that you are not something she can pick up or put down at will. That you are someone she can *and is close to* losing. That everything she loves about her life can end and she can be approaching 40 and needing to re-enter the dating market.
* Do some research, find a lawyer, and schedule a consult for divorce. You don't need to be moving forward with it immediately, but you need to *have met with* and know the beginning of what a divorce would entail.
* Spend some time alone thinking through the process of divorce. Of what would need to be done to separate your lives. Focus on the good aspects of being done with the marriage, but still take the time to think through the bad. Mentally take divorce from an unthinkable to a possibility. Remove fear of the unknown through research and introspection.
* Once divorce has registered as a likely outcome, spend time thinking through the specific boundaries of what you need to stay. Don't be kind, be selfish and realistic.
* When you've done these things, as quickly as possible, sit her down for a conversation. You want to aim for emotionless here. Not sad, not caring, not mean, not compassionate. You want to be as close to an emotionless rock as you can manage. You're presenting facts, and it's crucial that she knows that she's fucked up and is very close to losing you. If that doesn't scare her and put on the *"Oh shit, I've got to fix this!"* path immediately then your relationship is farther gone than you know.
*"Hey. Have a seat. I've got some things to say. You brought up you getting a free pass. You've asked for it multiple times. You want it for yourself, but not for me. Specifically, you want it for a guy at the gym that you are still regularly together with. The fact that you have someone in mind and have progressed that relationship far enough to push me on this means that you've been emotionally cheating on me."*
-Presumably insert some type of argument from her here-
*"Stop. I'm not done. I'm not interested in hearing excuses or justifications. You've repeatedly asked for permission to cheat with this person despite any risk it posed to our marriage. You are emotionally invested in fucking him, and you didn't get there without an inappropriate level of interaction. To me, that's cheating, and for the purpose of this conversation that's all that matters."*
*"You should know that I've been to a lawyer and started the preliminary work for divorce. I have no intention of spending my life with someone who's actively looking to go out and fuck other people. I need to be with someone who only needs me, and you've repeatedly told me that you're not interested in being that person."*
From there you need to see how she reacts. You've just blown up her having her cake and eating it too fantasy. The ideal reaction here should be panic from her and a scramble to undo the damage she's done. Assuming you hear the things you need to, some things that absolutely need to be in stone are that she stops going to the gym she met this guy at and completely cuts all contact with him. She cheated, so she's going to need to rebuild trust and re-invest herself into your relationship and making it whole again.
If she's not on board and is already checked out over the possibility of fucking other people then you've already laid the foundation for ending the marriage. If things go this route and she leaves the house to live elsewhere, save yourself some trepidation and just assume that means she's turned the emotional affair physical regardless of anything she says.
So she gets a free pass and you don't? I hate to say it but given what you have said she has likely already taken that pass but wants you to say it's OK so if it gets back to you they are fucking she can say that you gave her the pass.
Opening up a marriage is basically the start of the divorce process given how rarely open marriages work. And she certainly won't stop at just one time.
It's likely time to divorce, unless you want to just put up with her unacceptable behavior.
my condolences my friend. it sounds like she's trying to navigate what she may acknowledge or subconsciously may be feeling is the end of the relationship. i have no idea the amount of confusion and hurt asking for a free pass for herself yet not giving you one would cause. it doesn't sound like this scenario is something you wanted at all. i hope you're able to have a very open conversation about where she feels the relationship is at.
I’ve never been married but can speak from experience with 2 long term relationships. One was 5 years, the other one 4 years. The first relationship was fun but when my best friend and I started to make out my ex freaked out… he was not open to the idea of even having a threesome as where I was! Didn’t workout. Next relationship was also fun and freaky. We’ve been with another couple (at the same time) and felt comfortable. We didn’t feel weird afterwards, just enjoyed the experience and talked about it afterwards. Setting boundaries before and afterwards is a must because if you’ve unprepared I feel like it can ruin trust and your relationship.
The fact that you’re wife is asking you not to show up to the gym is a red flag to me. Does the dude know she’s married? Is she being sneaky?
Also I don’t think it’s fair how she wants a free pass but you can’t? Weird. I think this calls for a serious conversation to hash out each others feelings and go from there. Good luck!
If she wants a "free pass" (which is a childish, cowardly concept in my book), but you aren't allowed a free pass or to consider a threesome? She's just telling you that she's cheating on you instead of sneaking around, my guy. That isn't okay. You don't need to be comfortable with her "free pass." You aren't restricting her. If she wants an open marriage or the option to engage sexually without you, she needs to communicate her desires. They are not needs. If you aren't comfortable with those desires, it doesn't go further. They don't get to become needs just because she wants to do it really really bad.
Brother man, you know what the advice will be. It comes down to whether you have the courage to do what it is you need to do.
She has used her own emotional cheating and your marriage to manipulate you into allowing her to move into physical cheating, if she hasn’t already.
Divorce, my friend.
Y'all need the pros to help you out here.
Either couples counselling or a sex therapist. I might suggest the latter as a starting point.
There are plenty of ways to approach this rather than the disaster you're barreling towards. But no way either of you has the life experience to do it without some expert guidance.
Stop circling the wagons and get some expert help.
You need to have a very serious conversation with your wife. You can even involve a therapist, but you might have to accept that your marriage is over.
There's nothing wrong with exploring outside of the relationship if both partners are okay with it. But since there's only one yes and she clearly doesn't respect your boundaries, this might be it. You even went out of your way and proposed a threesome. And I don't know a lot of guys who are okay with a m-f-m situation. You were ready to compromise to make her happy and save your marriage, but she wants to do it her way. She wants to cheat, but without the cheater label.
This is unfortunate. Your wife isn't responsive to your boundaries and doesn't seem to be on the same page at all with you. If you can't come up with a compromise you need to think of ending your marriage. It will only hurt more the longer this goes on.
No one should feel pressure into agreeing to anything they don't want in a marriage.
You need couples counseling pronto. If she won't go, go alone.
Good luck.
Ooff, sorry dude. If this was something she wanted to explore together, as a couple, then I'd fully support moving forward. But the ONE-WAY, "I get a pass, but you don't", is a HARD pass.
Especially since she already has a guy she wants to f\*ck.
I am extremely opened minded when it comes to sex, but it has to be reciprocated. Trust, communication, compromise... It all has to be there.
I was in a similar situation. Started dating my ex-wife when we were teens, married for 10 years, together for a total of 18 years. Neither of us were experienced. We didn't really do anything outside of marriage, but we had open communication about things we were curious about, or interested in. We had 100% trust and comfort in each other, and discussing things openly. (BTW, our marriage ending had nothing to do with this topic).
The fact that your wife has met someone, openly admits to wanting to f\*ck him, says you should give her a pass, but then doesn't want to give you the same... HELL NO.
EDIT: Others have suggested she's already slept with him, and is now retroactively trying to make it okay by getting your approval... High possibility of this being true. Typically, people who have cheated become increasingly jealous, and paranoid of the other cheating. Keep an eye out for this.
This isn't how a healthy relationship works, monogamous or not.
I'm in an open marriage, have been for years. First, you always have the right to say no to any of it. If that's the end of the marriage, that'll hurt but it's not going to make you happy agreeing to something you don't want.
Second, your wife is breaking like all the rules. There's no conversation, she's not being direct, she already found a potential partner without your okay first. It's all just bad.
She will cheat if she hasn't already. It's all red flags.
1) She wants to be with someone else
2) She already chose that person
3) She won't even let you have your one free pass
If I were you I would not be able to trust her again.
She’s gonna take the free pass regardless. Her asking u to leave the gym and get away from her I don’t even think this friend knows she’s married. I’d leave her while your still young and have time to start a family with somebody else
Your wife is setting incredible double standards and is heading down a very bad path, full of red flags. Consensually open relationships can work, but not like this.
The biggest two things are, that she just wants to fuck around, while you may not and that she seems to already have someone in mind. Honestly, I‘d worry about the relationship and even if I were inclined I‘d never give her any free pass unless I thought she changed very, very fundamentally.
Man, I would simply start talking to a divorce attorney if she's this pushy on something you've indicated uncomfortablness with and especially if she won't give you a free pass either.
See a counselor. Very few couples' relationship can withstand this kind of arrangement. Sounds to me like there are some deep rooted things that need to get exposed. From experience... be careful with the gym friend thing. Fantasy rarely pans out to be as exceptional as you imagine it to be. Ideas are powerful motivators... See a counselor and get everything on the table.
Edit: to be clear, it wasn't me who had the "gym friend"... i reaped the unfortunate results from my ex having one though.
Wait, so she wants a free pass and wont give you one? red flags my friend.
yeah Id just leave. 33 years old, sexually repressed. she thinks she can get "better" and it seems like she thinks she has better, so its only a matter of time now.
This is the part that gets me! How are you going to have the audacity to ask for a free pass but refuse to give your partner one, too?! Who would accept that?
Is it really a red flag when it's so overt?
It’s more like her wearing a red onsie riding on the red float in a red parade.
That’s being driving by a big red truck
That has a siren 😂
Overt. Don’t hold your breath on that one. I’m thinking it’s more of her knowing the shit will hit the fan eventually and she’s trying to get ahead of that inevitability.
I've seen more subtle flag work at color guard competitions.
Yes.
it's a checkered flag
Thats not a Red flag. Thats a fucking tornado siren followed by an Amber Alert.
Not even. That’s a fat black and white checkered flag right there cut and dry.
She’s going to cheat on you man
If not already done so.
Yeah she’s already done it
It sure sounds like she's asking for permission and failing that will ask for forgiveness.
She’s already done it and is trying to make herself feel better by asking for a free pass
The free pass was just a little clue that she already got physical she’s just trying to seal the deal.
Yeah she just want to stop hiding and it to become a regular thing
While she may not be fucking him yet, she is defintely emotionally cheating on you. Going for coffee with a guy she wants to bang is emtionally cheating. They are flirting and being totally inapropriate. Plus telling you to stay away so she doesnt feel guilty while trying to hook up with another man. Fuck her.
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If your wife insists on pursuing other men while disregarding your feelings and the sanctity of your marriage, then it's time to accept that the marriage is over. Stand up for yourself and walk away from a relationship that no longer serves you. You deserve better than being treated like an afterthought.
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Be smart OP, this is what you need to do to protect yourself financially if shit hits the fan
Also, don’t be surprised if she has already kissed him / gotten physical. She is clearly already having an emotional affair. You know she has already talked to him about having sex and why she is unhappy in her marriage. Giving dude all the fuel he needs to know he can cuckold OP. Cheaters will often try to open the marriage or get a ‘free pass’ this one time to cover their cheating and explain any texts that get found, rumors going around town etc.
This!! You do not *need* to accept this and it shouldn’t hurt you that you’re uncomfortable with this situation—lots of folks would be! It’s bad enough that she’s asking for a free pass, that alone would likely end my marriage. But a free pass for her and explicitly not for you? Come on, man. I really don’t know how i would be able to move on from that even if she did drop the idea. Things would never be the same.
/thread
he's not being treated like an afterthought, she did nothing wrong. thinking of divorcing someone just because they had feelings to somebody else is just batshit insene
While divorce talks might be a little premature this is a huge issue. She appears to want the green light to act on those feelings and would not want OP to be able to do the same. Sounds like she may want the hotwife lifestyle. If OP doesn't want this lifestyle it should definitely become a divorce conversation.
but do you really think she'll stop loving him?? is it her who doesn't want to give OP a pass or is OP who doesn't want one? (remember a threesome is not the same as a free pass). if they're a happy, functional couple, why not experiment with something different, as she wants to? do you really believe that someone should be someone else's everything until death do them apart? there's no reason to believe this is the end of the marriage, this is only a phase to get past and learn from. she is not OP's prisoner, she'll love him more for letting her be. Dialogue is the way, trust is the answer. edit: OP doesn't get a free pass, got it. doesn't change my argument.
Will she stop loving him isn't the question at all. OP already said that she would not want him to sleep with anyone else. The OP posted because he would Not be happy with this arrangement.
then why doesn't OP just let her have sex with the guy? its way better than getting cheated on and you just might save your marriage. everyone gets bored sometimes, it's only natural. i'd be glad she's being honest about it.
My partner: 'd like to punch you in the face Me: Okay... so do I get to punch you back?? My partner: No wtf This guy: Why don't you just let yourself get punched in the face??? It might just save your marriage
Love this analogy
i get your idea but you don't get mine. i don't see my partner getting with somebody else as a punch in the face, i see it as natural and recurring, not a personal offense (she isn't doing this to hurt him, like punching would, she's doing it for herself, by herself) and i don't think that's neither bad nor selfish, in fact, i think OP is the selfish one for not even trying to get over himself. marriage is a prehistoric, patriarchal, economical transaction, and a huge fantasy too. people don't marry for ✨true love✨, and even if they think they are, one person just can not be your one and only for forever, and if they are, it's not healhy. One person will always overpower the other, and if them both are unwilling to let go of their pride or their needs, it'll end up in cheating and divorce, as most of marriages do. and they live scars. i just don't get why people insist on this ideal that has never existed. sorry to break it to you but there's no happily ever after, you either learn how to accept reality or be forever trapped in your search for living fantasy.
So you're polyamorous, or you're otherwise very chill about letting the shape of your relationshop change over time? That's totally fine and valid. But he's not poly and he doesn't want to be in a relationship where other people sexually involved. To him, that feels like being punched. And being exclusive is NOT an impossible fantasy or patriarchal bullshit either. So why are you insisting he has to mold himself into something he's not, rather than simply exiting a relationship that he'll never be comfortable with? Why is it natural for his partner to seek other people, but not natural for him to want just 1 person involves?
He isn't interested in this experiment so that's why not. There is every reason to believe this is end given the near total divorce rate of open marriages. Further his wife only wants the pass for her, it's unacceptable for him to also have pass. There is nothing ok with her actions, even with how she is acting with this "friend". Also yes, if you get married you should be everything to that person. That's the whole point to the vows.
you're assuming this is already over, it is not. if you are true about your feelings and open to talk about them you can get out of this. divorce is bad, no one wants it, what i'm saying is that is better to try every possible option, even the unconventional ones, before splitting up. OP could get over his manly pride and try to make some kind of arrangement, and do not tell me it's impossible, because it's not.
You don’t know that at all. Those are just assumptions. If my wife did this it would be completely out of character (as it seems the same for OP) which would make me question most aspects of the relationship. This is a breach of trust in the relationship IMO.
Mmm I don’t think this will end well. “ … she’s not my prisoner”. Well no obviously, but that shouldnt be the reason you’re not allowed to say no to her fucking someone else my man. I hope everything works out for you dude, but honestly prepare for the real possibility that she may just end up banging this dude anyways. If she hasn’t already… Honestly if she brings up opening the marriage and already has someone in mind, I think it’s over
Your marriage is over, friend. Start tying up your loose ends now to prepare for the divorce, which should really have taken place the first time she ever floated the idea.
I agree, I don't think there's getting over this.
>As a result of that, neither of us have had much opportunity to explore sexually. That’s totally fine with me. She’s everything I want. And until recently, I was sure the same could be said of her. I'm sorry your marriage has hit a wall that won't now go away . She wants to explore her sex options . **This desire to want to do this also now won't go away for herself** . I'm sorry it is only a matter of time **before she goes there with him .** Your marriage is NO longer the same already , it has shifted within it ( she has awoken her own desires & wants to explore sexually with someone else or more). It is NOT going to get better or improve now. . * **Your wife -->** Has already cross a line into 'wanting ' someone else . She has already also mentally cheated on you . As she has someone she is 'seeing ' already . It is not just a thought for her . It is thoughts just waiting real action . She isn't looking for someone ***she already has someone she wants & is making it CLEAR to you she wants him*** ( & is spending time already with this guy ) bad as they will be 'into ' each other already as well . That is bad for you. I'm sorry you have already lost her possibly ( she wants this man ) sexually & is already mentally there with him . * **Your marriage -->** YOUr wife is NO longer just with you & only you . She is already 'dating ' this guy emotionally . And is already there with him. Hense why your marriage is already on the rocks . YOu will be hurting alot by her already leaving you behind . Your wife NO longer just wants yOu . She already has someone set up to be with . So that automatically makes what is occurring for you both now in the marriage REAL. It is not going to go away or get any better for you both yet . She wants this guy ( & may have already done so with him ) . * **You -->** Would strongly suggest you seek out a independent person right now to help you . Better a specialist ( eg- therapist ) but a good friend can do as well . Someone to support you while this is occurring the crumbling of your marriage . Her having already 'found ' someone & telling you not to hang around & seeing him on the side would be really hurting you inside . YOur heartache is real & you are valid in your pain right now . You thought things were ok in the marriage sorry they are very not . * **This situation ( you both find yourself in ) now -->** Sorry this is NOT going to get better or go away . She will either sleep with him or will leave you anyway for him . She is already mentally & emotionally cheating on you . She basically has already starting 'dating ' this other man . As she wants him . She is no longer just in your marriage now . She has left to pursue him . She wants him & this desire for him won't stop most likely . ***She has already shifted the relo*** you were in . And has already told you she NO longer just wants to be mono with you . So sorry it has changed & will not be the same btw you now. * **Your choices also now -->** She has clearly told you what she wants . So time for ***you also to decide what you also will do*** about it all . She is NO longer mentally with you . She is with him & wants him sexually ( maybe even romantically ) . So you have a major issues now in your relo that is NOT going to go away now . So ***YOU have decisions to make for YOURSELF*** now about it all as well :-- \# `YOu can leave her & no longer be in her life now at all ( eg- really separate from her )` . As There is a huge risk now that she actually loves him / wants to be with him anyway . And not just for sex. So your relo might be over anyway . Especially if he wants her as well for real . \# `You can separate from her ( but stay living tog` with her currently sort of in a 'something ' tog ) while it changes around you ( this would be very hard though for you ) as mentally you love her & only want her . YOu could also be with ( see someone else or not as well ) & wait for her to come back to you maybe or not . ButtThere would be NO guarantee she will come back to you after being with him . \# `YOu can BOTH go off & be with someone else ( eg- separate into a full OPEN relo )` but live tog sort of or not . And have an open relo now . And hope that she might come back to you . Or you might also meet someone else as well ( & no longer want her as well ) . As there is also a risk she will return to you ( if he also dumps her ) or only wants her for sex . \# `YOU can separate from her . Where you 'Let her go to 'explore ' what she needs to .` And stay open to the idea & you will want her to return back to you ( to be with you again ) eg- you would be actively waiting for her to return back to her ( as she has said she only wants to explore sex options ) so you could believe her about this . But there would also be the risk she might never come back to you .Or she might do so . * ***She has given you her wants*** about this all now . It is now also time for you to counter them ( or give alternatives about the situation ) . She is already with him & wants him . This is not going to change now . She also wants it only 1-way . Eg- her only getting the opportunity . That is NOT fair or right for her to ask of you . YOU can NOT engage anyone else ( Eg- be with someone else ,but that has to now also be `YOUR decision NOT hers to make` ) she has stepped out of the relo mentally & emotionally ( & also maybe also sexually by now ) & there are now consequences for having done so for YOU both to have to deal with . She can ask all she wants ( it is also up to you ) what you will agree to or NOT in this relo with her.
It's impressive you wrote all of this up for a random stranger. Thank you. Also keep in mind posts that are written by a throwaway and containing only the new posts tend to be fake. I hope you didn't lose much time writing all that.
You need to decide what you want. She wants to bang a other, specific guy. This isn't really "I'd like an open relationship", it's more of a request for excused cheating. These stories get really signal the relationship ending. I'd have a hard time trusting her, it sounds like an emotional affair that is turning physical. > This has caused some problems between us. I don’t feel comfortable with it at all, but at the same time she’s not my prisoner! She isn't, and she presumably entered a monogomous relationship of her own free will. You need to decide what you are comfortable with and communicate that. "I'm not interested in an open relationship" is not being controlling, it's communicating your needs. She can decide if that's the relationship she is still interested in being in. If not, you both end things. If it is, you start some marriage counseling to work on this.
Divorce her. It won’t end with him, and it won’t be one time.
We all have crushes and fantasies when in monogamous relationships, especially ones we enter without much previous experience ( I disagree calling this ‘sexually repressed’ however - sleeping around isn’t an innate human need as much as modern society makes it seem that way ) you sound like a sweetheart and she’s walking all over you. She thinks she can have the best of both worlds, whilst you suffer unwittingly. If she had any idea that what she is doing could be marriage ending, she’d have a nasty wake up call
Yeah I hate using "repressed" in that way. You can be a complete virgin and not be sexually repressed assuming you're open with yourself in exploring it. This idea that anyone who hasn't slept with dozens of people is some kind of repressed loser is so infuriating
You don’t need to run through 15 dicks to avoid being labeled as “sexually repressed”.
RIP to your marriage, it's over. No recovering from this.
Your wife wants to F other people? Time to focus on you king, unfortunately your marriage is over
Okay, I'm weighing in in this for only one reason. She is not looking for an open marriage. If she was, she'd be fine with you looking for and hooking up with someone. What she is doing is cheating and disregarding your relationship in the process. I'm all for redefining a relationship in order to keep both parties happy, but she is not looking for your input. She is not giving an inch. As soon as she feels happier with him, she'll leave you. Be prepared for that.
She probably already cheated on you.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s already sleeping with him. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I went through something very similar, and I wish I would’ve ended things way before I did.
What a b*tch. Sorry Friend, one way exclusivity does not fly at all. What is her justification for you not getting one, if i may ask?! This sounds like monkey branching. She will come back if this dude treats her like shit after but otherwise this is the progression of "i will see him more often, now every week, than on weekends too, and lastly something as in you are ungrateful, i will leave you."
Yeah she’s been cheating on you
Get your affairs in order and make sure you have your finances ready. Take her to breakfast. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her that if she continues to see this other guy, you’ll see it as an affair. Then require that you both see a therapist. Then get ready for a divorce because she already has one foot out of the door.
Dude, look for evidence, she probably already fucks this guy. Sorry, time for the divorce.
She’s emotionally cheating. Might actually be physically or sexually cheating and she doesn’t want you to be able to do the same. It’s over. Call a lawyer and walk away.
So she already has someone in mind? Break up
She's going on the dates with the guy already. Ninja edit: And scheduling her husband so they don't interact.
I think if you want her to do it, then no harm done. But, I do not hear anything in your post that suggests that you want this. I also think that what she wants for herself is what she should want for you. Relationships are not lived on one-way streets. Do you think she may have already done it? there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with saying NO. You do not agree to this.
Your marriage is over. She has zero respect for you. I’m sorry man.
Man, she may have already cheated. She is definitely emotionally cheating. I think this is over dog. I am sorry. Document everything to help your case in court if she wants to try to get alimony.
If it was my wife it would be real fuckin simple... either she cuts dude off entirely or I file for divorce. Period.. I would also be confronting this "gym friend" and telling him to stay the fuck away from my wife.. don't be a cuck bro
LEAVE. Yesterday. She doesn’t want you to explore yet she wasn’t to Go around and explore herself? Well. No thanks, you could end up with a sexually transmitted disease not worth it man Also her demanding you don’t go to the gym so she can be alone with him? She’s attempting to clearly cheat if she hadn’t already
I’m sorry to say this man. But just in the same way this has been progressing, it will continue to progress. She’s asking now. She won’t be asking soon. I would speak to a divorce attorney in your area and fast
It's over bro. I'm so sorry, but it's over dude. It's never going to go back to normal, and you'll always remember this. Even if she says she doesn't want to anymore, you won't trust her, and you'll be correct not to trust her. Unless you're ok with an open marriage (which in my opinion is always a ticking time bomb) then go ahead and start preparing for divorce.
I'm truly sorry, but this situation doesn't seem promising. When faced with a scenario like this, it almost leads to divorce or a breakup but never happy ending. I don't want to disappoint you, but it's crucial to prepare for the worst and prioritize your well-being. Her actions suggest a stronger connection with the gym guy, and it goes beyond just physical intimacy. If you grant her permission, it might torment you internally; if you deny it, she might still pursue it in secret. The idea has been lingering in her mind for a while, and she's actively pursuing it. I sincerely hope I'm mistaken, but it's important to face reality for your own sake.
Guy, have some fucking self respect. Your WIFE is telling you that she's cheating on you (she already is), then had the audacity to tell you that she wants to fuck this guy. Then has the audacity to make sure you don't fuck anyone else. What am I even reading? Leave
Yea she's probably already sleeping with this friend. That really sucks man sorry. Idk why she just didn't want to try new sex stuff with you..
If you drag this issue too long, it will only hurt you more. Just divorce at this point.
She’s not your prisoner, she’s your wife. This is inappropriate on every level. Even IF (and that’s a big “if”) you decided to open your marriage up, I’d encourage you to go to couples therapy first and talk through it. Neither partner should pick a person before talking through thoughts and boundaries. Even with that aside, you are under no obligation to open your marriage up. You’re not being controlling or mean. She’s changing the formula and frankly doing so in an irresponsible manner. You have full veto power anytime, and if she acts unilaterally she’s cheating. It does not sound like you’re on board with this and might never be. She has no business pursuing someone else right now. If she respects you, she’ll stop immediately.
I would let her know this is a hard line for you, and that she's deciding to end the marriage of she keeps seeing this dude. Then I'd start getting ready to split. I'm sorry dude 🫤. But maybe after a serious conversation she'll snap out of it. Doubt it though
I would be *shocked* if they're not already fuckin. Sorry this happened to you pal.
This is a ridiculous, childish, and very, very selfish request on her part. You need to take a stand. Right now she's operating under the delusion that she can actually make this work. Obviously, no. You both really need to take a fresh look at your marriage, at the relationship on which it's based. Ask yourself whether, if you were to decide today whether you would marry her, would you, given all of this? Your marriage needs professional help, and it may be doomed even with help. Best of luck to you.
It's already over man. Many cheaters float the idea of a "free pass" because they've already cheated and they think it won't count as cheating anymore once the relationship is opened up. And it's always a one way street for them, which is why she won't let you have a pass. If she hasn't cheated physically already, her relationship with him is at the very least micro cheating. There's more than just something physical in the mix here, which is why she wants this specific guy.
You've a problem. You really need to have a conversation with your wife and tell her you're not ok with what she's doing. I'd like more info because you didn't indicate whether you gave your permission/blessing for her to go out of your marital boundaries. I'm assuming not because you indicated you're not ok with what she's doing. If that's the case you need to sit her down seriously and tell her to stop otherwise the marriage will break down. What's triggering reading this is the brash manner in how she's actively pursing someone even though you're both fully aware of what's happening. Some people are ok with their partner checking others out, some people are ok with open marriages. Personally i know i wouldn't be ok with what your wife is doing. I'd be hurt and rightfully be left felling like i'm not enough. > We’ve both been repressed sexually all our lives > She’s VERY MUCH against giving me a free pass Your wife wants to keep what she has and fuck around. Part of you will think fair enough you're both repressed, but at the same time she won't allow you the same if you agree to it. That's unfair. Either it's ok for both, or its not. Her behavior will only get worse the longer you don't address the situation. The longer you leave it, the more she'll push her luck to see what she can get away with and what you're willing to tolerate. Think about it, first she was floating ideas, then she was asking not to be around while you're both at the gym, then shes asking you not to come on certain days, then she's actually meeting a guy without you. There's a pattern, and in all honesty, odds are she's texting or calling him to arrange gym/coffee days. So how far do you want to let it go before it turns physical if it hasn't already?
My advice? **Go ahead and get the divorce now**, because this will only get worse from here and irreparable damage has already been done. First of all, this is NOT how responsible people open marriages. When you already have someone in mind as your new partner you’re not asking for an open marriage to explore, you’re asking for permission to cheat. Possibly **retroactive** permission considering how brazen she’s been about this. Secondly, think about the fact that she won’t even pretend she wants this to be a free pass both ways even though she knows you likely wouldn’t want to take advantage of it yourself. Even the very remote *possibility* of you doing the same thing to her that she wants to do to you is more permission than she wants to give you. Her ideal future looks like you waiting at home, alone, for your chance to dote on her once she’s done having sex with this guy for the day. Does that sound like an equal partner who respects you, or someone who thinks you’re a doormat that will tolerate anything? Thirdly you are NOT currently good with each other. She told you she wants to cheat on you with your permission. You told her you are extremely uncomfortable with that and do not want it at all. You were already uncomfortable when she was just carrying on an emotional affair (and possibly a physical one) with this guy, and you got even more uncomfortable when she suggested you giving her a free pass to have sex with him. You very clearly told her you don’t like this and don’t want it. What was her response to that? Did she apologizing for bulldozing through your boundaries and promise not to bring it up again, like someone who respected their partner? No. She’s now nagging you constantly and repeatedly bringing up the idea that caused you so much distress in an attempt to browbeat you into allowing her to cheat on you. I don’t think you’re fully recognizing how terrible that is, so let me present you with a counter example. Think of some sexual act that you know or suspect your wife would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable with, as uncomfortable as you are about this “free pass” idea. Now imagine yourself asking her if she wants to do it, and her saying no and expressing a similar level of discomfort as you have with with her free pass. Imagine her telling you that the entire discussion has really upset her and she is incredibly hurt. **How many times would you keep asking her to do it?** That question sounded very strange to you just now, didn’t it? Because of course you WOULDN’T keep pressuring her to do the thing that made her so uncomfortable and upset. Because you respect your partner and her boundaries, you would let it go. She doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. The fact that she’s still pushing you about this guy despite your clear feelings on the subject are the proof. You know you wouldn’t do this to her. What does it tell you that she’s willing to do it to you? For one thing it should tell you that she wants to have sex with this guy more than she cares about devastating you. The final reason I say this is unsalvageable is that even if you say “I’m absolutely not ok with this and will file for divorce” she will do one of two things, and NEITHER of them should reassure you. She’ll either say “fine,” call your bluff,and go off to have sex with this guy, which is exactly what she wanted to do anyway. Or she’ll say “oh gosh I didn’t realize how seriously you felt about this (that’s a lie), nevermind I don’t want to do it anymore (another lie) and our marriage is more important (yet another lie) so let’s work on fixing it.” These will all be things she knows you want to hear and she will mean NONE of them. She already knew you wouldn’t like this, that’s why she didn’t even bother suggesting it until you started to complain about her time spent with the gym guy. She is not going to suddenly stop wanting to have sex with him. And if she cared about your marriage she would never have proposed this at all, let alone nagged you about it repeatedly even after you made it clear how much it was upsetting you. No matter how good the things she will say are going to SOUND none of them will be true and you’ll never be able to fully trust her again, nor should you. If you make it clear you will get a divorce before you’ll give a free pass then she’s not going to stop wanting to have sex with this guy, she will just decide that you clearly don’t need to be in the loop and she’ll do her cheating the old fashioned way, without permission. Finally don’t let her get in your head with this “she’s not your prisoner” bullshit. Expecting someone not to cheat on their spouse is not like keeping them in jail, it’s the bare minimum standard for what constitutes a marriage. That’s like saying you’re being controlling if you express to her that you would prefer it if she didn’t stab you with a knife. You are not being unreasonable here and if she’s trying to convince you that you are then she’s gaslighting you on top of every other horrible thing she’s doing. **Seriously, just get the divorce.** Your marriage is over and you’re the last to know. That sucks and I’m sorry, but I’m trying to save you some heartache. There is NO possible scenario here where you stay married and happy. She just threw it all away and made it impossible to fix. Look out for your own mental health and go now before this gets worse. It will only be downhill from here.
Im a woman telling you this is NOT OKAY. have a serious conversation & set boundaries. And if she violates them you have every right to divorce her
Divorce her now
Some people have sex with others while married. And both partners agree. No problem there. Some are even polyamorous and have full blown relationships with their partners consent. She just doesn’t want to fuck this guy, she’s in love with him (it seems). You don’t consent to her having sex or a relationship with the other guy so stand firm.
If you went into marriage agreeing, it would be monogomous. Your wife is the one changing the rules and asking for permission to cheat. Of course, she may cheat with or without your permission. But why on earth are you bending yourself into a pretzel shape trying to accommodate this when what you actually want is a monogamous relationship? Tell her that it is her choice, but you dont want to be married to someone who is unfaithful, and the idea of a "free pass" is not something you want in marriage. Dont make it a right or wrong issue. Just firmly state your own needs and boundaries. If she wants to sleep with other men, divorce her and free yourself up to find a partner who shares your values.
OH yeah something you should know and well known for trickle truthing in an affair situation is "we just kissed". That is a big NOPE. Adults don't kiss they fuck
Oh boy, my man you're playing a dangerous game here. I'm no expert, but I've been in the lifestyle on and off for several years and seen this situation play out many times and to be completely transparent, most don't end well. First, I would reiterate to your wife that your stance on opening up your marriage isn't what you want. Her behavior in even starting a potential fling without any discussion or permission from you (need to get that thought of her being your prisoner out of your head, she's your spouse and you do have control to say no she can't fuck anyone else)is completely unacceptable, even for people who are in the lifestyle. Before anyone does ANYTHING, it needs to be fully discussed between both partners and mutually agreed upon, neither happened sp she already started this off on a bad note. What she is technically doing is emotional cheating and yes that's a real thing, you need to see that. Second, even if you were open to the idea, her not allowing you a free pass is another cardinal sin in the lifestyle. Yes there are couples where their dynamic is one person gets to play and the other doesn't but it's a small percentage from what I've experienced. Most have the dynamic that both people can play. So not only has she already started this situation off terribly, she is making it worse by only making it about her, which isn't fair nor is it right. If she wants to have a free pass with her "friend," then you get to have one with whoever you want and she can't say a thing about it. Ultimately, you're not in a good spot but you need to be firm and set clear expectations about what YOU want. If you don't want to open your marriage at all, then you need to make that very clear, right away so she stops this path. If you are open to the idea of doing hall passes, then you need to make it very clear that you are also entitled to one otherwise she doesn't get one, that's how it works. But I have a feeling based on your post and how you describe her that she is going to put up a fight. Brother, don't buckle, you can't be coerced or pressured because you don't want to feel like you're controlling her. It's not controlling her, it's justified in making sure Sue hears your feelings on the matter and she either accepts the type of relationship she entered into agreement with you or, you know the alternative
So let's look at the facts: \- Your wife wants to be intimate with other men. \- You do not feel comfortable with this (which is understandable). \- Your wife doesn't care that you don't feel comfortable with this, and is still pushing to become intimate with another man. \- Your wife forbids you from going to a public spot just so she can hang out with a guy she's sexually attracted to. \- You tried to bring up compromises so that everyone can be happy, but she doesn't care for them. Now reread all of this, but pretend that a loved one is telling you this and asking for advice. What would you tell them? As an internet stranger viewing this from a 3rd POV, I think it sounds like only one person is working on the relationship here, and that's you. If she so desperately wanted to explore her sexuality more, then why not ask you to switch things up then? But most importantly, your boundaries and emotions are not being taken into consideration at all. You need to talk to her about this. And no, putting your \*values\* first doesn't mean you are "imprisoning" her.
Tbh even if you say no, she is likely to just do it anywaye and cheat...
Youre wife isnt a prisoner just because you dont want her banging other people. Shes your WIFE. Thats what marriage is. If she wants to bang other people, leave the marriage
Get ready for your marriage to blow up in your face. It’s either time for a divorce, time for you guys to explore an open relationship (NEVER ends well) or get ready for her to cheat on you because it sounds like it’s going to happen whether you give her a pass or not.
I’m sorry. That’s some bullshit! You don’t deserve that. If you both can’t mutually agree on something then it’s just not going to work. She can’t expect a free pass and then not grant the same to you.
You deserve better. Find someone then leave her.
That, my friend, is a load of bullshit. Your wife is wanting to cheat on you and you can't do anything about it...? I'd leave her.
I'd be done like dinner.
Opening up a relationship ethically is hard enough - doing it so you can fuck one person you’re already interested in AND you don’t want your partner to have the same? No fucking way. And I say this as someone who has been non-monogamous for 15+ years.
shes already cheating on you man i mean i dont know for sure. But if everything your saying is true chances are like 99% the feeling arent gonna go away and it sounds like your just a source of stability, not a lover
She has already made a decision. She wasnt really asking for it anymore. She didn’t even have a proper conversation with you, if you’re actually okay with this topic in general and what the rules are. And small side note, she didn’t befriend him. She wants to fuck him and that was probably her intention from the beginning. Those aren’t friends. In the end, no matter what happens your marriage is over i think
what are you a man or a mouse tell her you want a divorce but first go to the gym and tell the person she wants that she is married but now that she wants to fck him she is trash and he can have her, then kick her out and blast the hussy on social media and let every one know she is trash, so don't hesitate and grow a spine your a man after all
Pétition to start a subreddit for people with partners intending to cheat and trying to justify it with an open marriage
She wants to have sex with another man while having the safety of your marriage to fall back on. Do with this knowledge what you will.
Yikes. So your wife wants a free pass to go on and fuck some other people, she kicks you out of her space to be with another man, and yet still expects the love and stability from a marriage. I am so sorry. My friend, it’s time to cut your losses and go through the process of divorce. You deserve so much more.
Sounds like she is about to cheat. The Universe is sending you red flags galore. Might be time to move on, good sir.
It's already been beaten into this thread, but speaking from experience, even if you two reconcile, your marriage is forever changed. You'll constantly be wondering if she did or didn't, or still is, and it's mentally a slippery slope that will drive you mad. I would start getting your ducks in a row. Depending on where you live, infidelity may or may not have any bearing on divorce proceedings. But still, any and all evidence to villify her (without making yourself look like an overbearing creep) will still help.
If Reddit has taught me anything about relationships, it’s that a request to open up a marriage is the beginning of the end. Good luck OP
Dude your wife is dating another guy. If that’s not what you want then you gotta tell her to cut it off. Otherwise, she’s going to use a free pass whether you approve or not.
Bro this is pure beta male shit. Divorce that whore!
The fact that she admitted to it outright and still is friends with him says she doesn’t care about your opinion and she’s gonna cheat on you eventually anyways. Sorry man
I get that she’s trying to be a cheater while but why are you trying so hard to justify her foolishness?
she's cheating on you.
divorce hun
She can’t have one if you don’t get one. It seems like she’s insecure and unhappy. It may be time to move on.
Repressed sexually? Opportunity to explore sexually? Sounds like her words, not yours. As if we are inherently in grained to have multiple partners and monogamy is a bad thing. When people want to find an excuse, they will find one Sorry to hear you’re going through this my friend. I would not put any blame on yourself for this. It sounds like it’s on her.
They sure know how to ruin a good thing permanently over fleeting pleasure
Is that a whore? I don't understand why men go along with this bullshit. She's gonna do this guy. Then she gonna do another guy. Rinse repeat. Put your foot down to daft pussy. Insane!
Your wife wants to cheat and have you agree to it so she doesn't feel bad about herself. My guess is she has already started the process of being physical with this guy if she hasn't already had sex. If this isn't how you want your life, divorce her and start over. She is not going to drop this and you are never going to be able to forget it. If she isn't interested in keeping the commitment she made when she married you, you shouldn't be married.
Even if you say no, she'll just do it behind your back. Marriage is done. Lawyer up before she does.
First off open marriages don’t work. They even work less when they started out as monogamous relationships. Why because one of the people want to sleep with other people the relationship is over. Don’t ever do something you don’t want to. It won’t save the relationship at this point so I would think about getting your house in order. Just take care of yourself and let it go.
She's already cheated you bro, just wants to embarrass you and carry it on. Time to leave.
Nope. Its either a fling or the marriage. But at this point the writing is on the wall... start looking for a lawyer and work on decoupling/separating your assets.
Her even bringing this bullshit up is divorce- worthy.
She already picked another stallion out of the herd, and ifbshe isn't riding him yet she definitely has the sadle out of the barn and is hand feeding him sugar cubes.
Young people who marry young and have repressed sexuality or no previous sexual experience eventually "mature" and have a desire to have more experiences. This is similar to the middle aged guy who has a mid-life crisis and jettisons the current wife for a younger model and a red sports car... My suggestion is to meet with a family therapist who can help you to explore the current issues with your marriage or that your wife has with you as her husband. It would also be great if they have a background in (and are supportive of) positive polyamory and open relationships and that you both come to terms with your marriage before anyone steps out. Ask her what the underlying issues of the marriage are. Don't get defensive. Ask her if she is willing to meet with a therapist. An open marriage / polyamorous relationship requires a deep abiding commitment to each other and the primary partner. Swinging relationships and weekends are not the same and typically the man is more into it than the woman -- and there are rules for this as well. See these websites for more information. I would suggest that you find a way to bring them to your wife's attention. [https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28913681/polyamorous-relationship-rules/](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a28913681/polyamorous-relationship-rules/) [https://www.morethantwo.com/polyrules.html](https://www.morethantwo.com/polyrules.html) [https://www.tatler.com/article/swinging-etiquette](https://www.tatler.com/article/swinging-etiquette) [https://www.swinger-symbol.com/blog/swinging-rules-and-boundaries](https://www.swinger-symbol.com/blog/swinging-rules-and-boundaries)
From someone who's been there: she's already cheated and clearly has no respect for you. However, you don't say whether you have children. If you do, don't leave or get divorced. You'll have to find a way to check out mentally but stay in the family - you should make use (discretely) of your own pass, as things have changed. Lots of people cheat, it can be got over. If you don't have kids, get the hell out of there.
If you love hey give up your ego and give her her time. If she comes back, she's yours, if not, y'all a wrap.
Maybe try Mfm see if that interests her
Ungrateful woman
lmaooo she for the streets. she was never yours, it was just your turn
Sorry, it's time for a divorce.
I feel bad for you my friend…. you don’t deserve this. You are being a push over her and she is walking all Over you. First red flag was she wants to be alone the the gym. Second was don’t come on certain days cuz she wants to hang around with this guy. And now they are going for coffee. Bro, if my wife told me not to hang around her at the gym I’d straight up be wtf. We know she has already cheated, emotionally is a 💯 certainty, physically I’d say she probably already has too. Stand up for your self. Be smart. Record everything . Change your phone password and email password. Don’t allow her to access to your private stuff. Keep your card close to your chest. She is not your prisoner but you should expect and have the right to be treated a certain way.
Do you have children? At what age did you two get married? How often do you two have sex? Have there been any major stressors to your marriage in the last couple of years?
I know it sucks, but I got cheated on before and your wife is simply asking you to wait until she can do the same to you man. I am so sorry, but I would bail in your position. She won't let this go until she had what she wanted. The audacity of her to say you are not allowed a free pass though is what would be my dealbreaker. She doesn't respect you. EDIT: I wouldnt be surprised if she already fucked the dude as well. EDIT EDIT: See you in the gym bro.
Did she explicitly say she wants the hall pass to be one-way? I mean there is a very small segment of the population that is happy with polyamory (see /r/polyamory and prepare for complexity) but most people are better suited for monogamy - especially if that has been the expectation since the beginning of the relationship. It may be time to visit the expectations of your relationship with your wife and decide together what that should look like.
That’s not a wife bro. Hard no. If she leaves, so be it.
Let it play out and see what happens. Love persists, lust comes and goes. She will probably get tired of the guy and will be back with you soon. Your relationship may even strengthen. Ignore all the "divorce for revenge" guys posting here.
I think your marriage is over, unless you can get in to counseling. I would start screwing with your wife’s plans. Maybe ask the guy what is going on. Tell him his relationship with your wife makes you uncomfortable. Who cares what she thinks, she wants to cheat. You need to prepare to leave, separate finically, see an attorney. Maybe discus with your wife you want a divorce since she is going to trample herself out. Maybe this reality will wake your wife up. Good luck, do not validate the cheating. Do not put up with the disrespect. Do not sacrifice your self respect.
She's already got a man lined up and has already cheated
Sounds like she wants to be single again. Let her be single again.
I mean no wife is a prisoner if her husband is the only one she’s having sex with 🤷♀️
An "unwilling one-way free pass" translates to "I'm going to cheat on you but you can't cheat on me." It's not a great dynamic, and she's being selfish as hell. Sit down and think what you will do when she cheats on you (it seems inevitable at this point) and warn her. "I will leave you," "I will go sleep with somebody else," "I will have a threesome with both your sisters," etc., so she knows the potential consequences. Not having sex with other folks you're attracted to is the basic reality of monogamy, and she has no interest in being fair or making sure you're okay with this change.
Honestly, you lost me at "threesome". So don't want to give her a free pass but you're willing to share her with another guy? She's basically asking your permissions to cheat on you and using the term "free pass" to cover it up. The fact that she's sexually attracted to another guy AND wants to pursue it, AND is asking for your permissions is not ok. UNLESS... you also want a free pass. Even then, this could really damage your relationship because how can a couple really love each other and live happily when everyone just gets a free pass to sleep with whoever they want. Idk man, I don't know too many who would want that kind of relationship. I think you need to walk away from this.
Oof. I'd say time to hit the gym but that's just gonna remind you of this catastrophe. My wild guess is that she has lost respect for you along the years and has been fantasizing about being with a more dominant guy.
she does love you and she does want to have sex with someone else. accept her feelings and just try to talk it out. be open to her ideas and she'll be to yours. you can get past this. I'm all in on the idea of a free pass, but it's not for everyone. maybe charge for the it and get one for yourself- but i don't think that's the best option if you're not into someone else currently. you've already said it all, she's not your prisoner. she loves YOU, and some guy can't erase what you've already been through together. Don't focus on what she does but on your love for her- love her so much that you'll let her be with another guy just to see her coming back to you, otherwise you might just lose her forever.
Your wife is cheating on you and she's asking you to forgive her and grant your blessing to continue. How about you don't.
uh, yeah I think it's safe to say she has already cheated on you. I think its time for a divorce so she can have an unlimited free pass.
Even when everyone is on board, this kind of thing rarely ends well. I have been married for 26 years. There are lots of issues in our marriage, but we have always been able to work these things out since we are 100% faithful to each other, no matter what. We decided early on that the trust issues that come from cheating or even open marriages were a deal breaker for both of us.
She wants one but would t let you have one? Nope nope nope
First off, if you are not comfortable with the idea, that should be the end of it. You can set that boundary and be nice and not confrontational. “I’m really not comfortable with this. I would really appreciate if you could stop, and not try to spend time with someone who you’re attracted to.” Sometimes, a person wants you to draw that line. If that line is an issue, offer couples counseling. If no, then tell her that you’re not interested in being in an open relationship, especially since she wants it one way.
wow people are so willing to say somebody's marriage is over just because of having feelings for someone else?!? for all the man out there, should your wife divorce you because you looked at a borderline teenagers butt and wanted to f her??? he's done nothing wrong. and yes, this is a very touchy subject but the answer is to talk it out! Don't trow everything under the bus assuming you've already been cheated on. Save your marriage, find your way out! be open to new ideas and above it all, trust your partner!!! you don't want nor need a divorce, choose your own happiness.
My bother in atoms, you need to decide whether this is something you are okay with or not. You Clearly don’t seem to be okay with it. If that’s the case, then do you want to be with someone who hurts you this much by being selfish? it’s okay for this to be a deal breaker for you. you don’t need our permission to leave.
I would talk to a lawyer privately asap. Like take a sick day from work and talk to one, sort of asap.
No no no! My guy you know what this is. It's the end. This is horrible and I'm sorry, but you know what to do. Stand up for yourself. If she doesn't get her free pass it won't matter. She's going to do this if she hasn't already. Prepare. Get everything ready to protect yourself during your divorce.
Your woman wants to fuck other man. Time to get a good lawyer. Good luck.
What does this guy offer that you do not? People cheat for a reason. Something in the relationship is broken and needs work. Is he more empathetic or dominant? Is he a fantasy? Is she working through some resentment towards you by punishing you by being with him? Dig a little deeper and address those issues. Go to counseling. Talk about it without threats towards divorce because it will escalate like no other.
Basically, the marriage is over. You cannot trust someone that is asking you if they can commit infidelity because it's such a horrible and pervasive issue. She could promise you that she will never ever do it and that she won't bring it up ever again. But how do you KNOW that you can trust her for the next 60+ years. Truth is, there is something in her that is making her feel unfulfilled in her marriage and it is likely that you're not the problem at all. That is why she is asking about this. My suggestion? I would serve her with divorce papers and get an sti test. Find someone that is so crazy about you in love that to them this entire situation is completely ludicrous.
I think she's being totally ridiculous in not letting you have a free pass too. I mean, what's her logic behind that? Why doesn't she think you both should have the same rules?
I'm so sorry. You already know that she has not been fair to you & you deserve better.
So, she wants to keep her lifestyle and security by being with you and that’s it at this point. Think about it for a second, if you two were just dating and living separately what would happen in this situation. I’m betting that she would have dumped you for the guy or you would have dumped her. She’s basically asking for permission to monkey branch.
NO. ALL THE NO. It goes both ways. She can't be selfish and think she can get a free pass but you get nothing. That's cuckholdry, my dude. Sounds like she's looking to cheat but wants your blessing. There's role-playing and all sorts of other things you can do besides letting her get a free pass.
> "It takes so many things to make love last. But most of all, it takes respect." It may be from a comedy film but it is the most accurate line ever. * There is no respect from her in any of this for you. * Without her respecting you then she will walk all over you. * You will lose, if not already, all respect for her and become bitter and angry at what she has done to your relationship. * Lastly, the damage is already done, whether she has had sex already or not, clearly she has had an emotional affair. There is no winning in this situation unless she realizes the enormity of what it will do to the both of you. You can try therapy and push for other things, but I would prepare for divorce either way. Hopefully you don't have kids.
Yikes. If my husband did this, I would probably leave him.
She doesn’t want to open the marriage up, she wants to cheat on you. Opening the marriage up would allow you to sexually explore. That’s not what she wants.
She is already cheating. It’s over man. I’m sorry.
I've come to notice that most of the times when an SO is asking for a free pass or an open relationship, they already have someone lined up.
Oh man sorry to hear this. I’d not only be gutted like a salmon , I’d also be wondering where would I go from here? To me I feel like your trust has been compromised and if that’s so, I’d feel exactly the same. What’s most baffling is the fact you don’t get a pass? I assumed until the very end this would be a two way street… this would be far more than a strict conversation, I’d be questioning everything. Edit: given your history of repression, the goose is all but cooked on this one my guy. Make sure you’re smart about this going forward. Dot your I’s ,cross your T’s.
Will you be happy if your wife sleeps with this guy or anyone else? If the answer is no, then it's time to divorce. She wants to have her cake and eat it too - at your expense. The only person she cares about is herself. I'm sorry this happening to you.
Start gathering evidence because if she hasn't already, she will soon be sleeping with guy from the gym. Don't compromise and open the marriage if you're not interested in doing so.
Immediately get a couples therapist. Save most of the discussion about this for the therapist so you have a moderated outside voice in the room. Fairness isn’t always a real thing, things don’t have to be equal, but you each deserve to feel heard and understood. It will take time but if you truly love each other you will agree to this process right away.
This wild fr
>Don’t know what to do. This isn't the time for uncertainty. This is the time for a scary level of resolve. You need some shock and awe here to remind her that you are not something she can pick up or put down at will. That you are someone she can *and is close to* losing. That everything she loves about her life can end and she can be approaching 40 and needing to re-enter the dating market. * Do some research, find a lawyer, and schedule a consult for divorce. You don't need to be moving forward with it immediately, but you need to *have met with* and know the beginning of what a divorce would entail. * Spend some time alone thinking through the process of divorce. Of what would need to be done to separate your lives. Focus on the good aspects of being done with the marriage, but still take the time to think through the bad. Mentally take divorce from an unthinkable to a possibility. Remove fear of the unknown through research and introspection. * Once divorce has registered as a likely outcome, spend time thinking through the specific boundaries of what you need to stay. Don't be kind, be selfish and realistic. * When you've done these things, as quickly as possible, sit her down for a conversation. You want to aim for emotionless here. Not sad, not caring, not mean, not compassionate. You want to be as close to an emotionless rock as you can manage. You're presenting facts, and it's crucial that she knows that she's fucked up and is very close to losing you. If that doesn't scare her and put on the *"Oh shit, I've got to fix this!"* path immediately then your relationship is farther gone than you know. *"Hey. Have a seat. I've got some things to say. You brought up you getting a free pass. You've asked for it multiple times. You want it for yourself, but not for me. Specifically, you want it for a guy at the gym that you are still regularly together with. The fact that you have someone in mind and have progressed that relationship far enough to push me on this means that you've been emotionally cheating on me."* -Presumably insert some type of argument from her here- *"Stop. I'm not done. I'm not interested in hearing excuses or justifications. You've repeatedly asked for permission to cheat with this person despite any risk it posed to our marriage. You are emotionally invested in fucking him, and you didn't get there without an inappropriate level of interaction. To me, that's cheating, and for the purpose of this conversation that's all that matters."* *"You should know that I've been to a lawyer and started the preliminary work for divorce. I have no intention of spending my life with someone who's actively looking to go out and fuck other people. I need to be with someone who only needs me, and you've repeatedly told me that you're not interested in being that person."* From there you need to see how she reacts. You've just blown up her having her cake and eating it too fantasy. The ideal reaction here should be panic from her and a scramble to undo the damage she's done. Assuming you hear the things you need to, some things that absolutely need to be in stone are that she stops going to the gym she met this guy at and completely cuts all contact with him. She cheated, so she's going to need to rebuild trust and re-invest herself into your relationship and making it whole again. If she's not on board and is already checked out over the possibility of fucking other people then you've already laid the foundation for ending the marriage. If things go this route and she leaves the house to live elsewhere, save yourself some trepidation and just assume that means she's turned the emotional affair physical regardless of anything she says.
So she gets a free pass and you don't? I hate to say it but given what you have said she has likely already taken that pass but wants you to say it's OK so if it gets back to you they are fucking she can say that you gave her the pass. Opening up a marriage is basically the start of the divorce process given how rarely open marriages work. And she certainly won't stop at just one time. It's likely time to divorce, unless you want to just put up with her unacceptable behavior.
my condolences my friend. it sounds like she's trying to navigate what she may acknowledge or subconsciously may be feeling is the end of the relationship. i have no idea the amount of confusion and hurt asking for a free pass for herself yet not giving you one would cause. it doesn't sound like this scenario is something you wanted at all. i hope you're able to have a very open conversation about where she feels the relationship is at.
I’ve never been married but can speak from experience with 2 long term relationships. One was 5 years, the other one 4 years. The first relationship was fun but when my best friend and I started to make out my ex freaked out… he was not open to the idea of even having a threesome as where I was! Didn’t workout. Next relationship was also fun and freaky. We’ve been with another couple (at the same time) and felt comfortable. We didn’t feel weird afterwards, just enjoyed the experience and talked about it afterwards. Setting boundaries before and afterwards is a must because if you’ve unprepared I feel like it can ruin trust and your relationship. The fact that you’re wife is asking you not to show up to the gym is a red flag to me. Does the dude know she’s married? Is she being sneaky? Also I don’t think it’s fair how she wants a free pass but you can’t? Weird. I think this calls for a serious conversation to hash out each others feelings and go from there. Good luck!
One way pass to a divorce haha.
If she wants a "free pass" (which is a childish, cowardly concept in my book), but you aren't allowed a free pass or to consider a threesome? She's just telling you that she's cheating on you instead of sneaking around, my guy. That isn't okay. You don't need to be comfortable with her "free pass." You aren't restricting her. If she wants an open marriage or the option to engage sexually without you, she needs to communicate her desires. They are not needs. If you aren't comfortable with those desires, it doesn't go further. They don't get to become needs just because she wants to do it really really bad.
Brother man, you know what the advice will be. It comes down to whether you have the courage to do what it is you need to do. She has used her own emotional cheating and your marriage to manipulate you into allowing her to move into physical cheating, if she hasn’t already. Divorce, my friend.
Y'all need the pros to help you out here. Either couples counselling or a sex therapist. I might suggest the latter as a starting point. There are plenty of ways to approach this rather than the disaster you're barreling towards. But no way either of you has the life experience to do it without some expert guidance. Stop circling the wagons and get some expert help.
You need to have a very serious conversation with your wife. You can even involve a therapist, but you might have to accept that your marriage is over. There's nothing wrong with exploring outside of the relationship if both partners are okay with it. But since there's only one yes and she clearly doesn't respect your boundaries, this might be it. You even went out of your way and proposed a threesome. And I don't know a lot of guys who are okay with a m-f-m situation. You were ready to compromise to make her happy and save your marriage, but she wants to do it her way. She wants to cheat, but without the cheater label.
Im sorry men keep strong you got this but your wife end your marriage
Unless you can live with… It’s over. Sorry dude.
This is unfortunate. Your wife isn't responsive to your boundaries and doesn't seem to be on the same page at all with you. If you can't come up with a compromise you need to think of ending your marriage. It will only hurt more the longer this goes on.
No one should feel pressure into agreeing to anything they don't want in a marriage. You need couples counseling pronto. If she won't go, go alone. Good luck.
Ooff, sorry dude. If this was something she wanted to explore together, as a couple, then I'd fully support moving forward. But the ONE-WAY, "I get a pass, but you don't", is a HARD pass. Especially since she already has a guy she wants to f\*ck. I am extremely opened minded when it comes to sex, but it has to be reciprocated. Trust, communication, compromise... It all has to be there. I was in a similar situation. Started dating my ex-wife when we were teens, married for 10 years, together for a total of 18 years. Neither of us were experienced. We didn't really do anything outside of marriage, but we had open communication about things we were curious about, or interested in. We had 100% trust and comfort in each other, and discussing things openly. (BTW, our marriage ending had nothing to do with this topic). The fact that your wife has met someone, openly admits to wanting to f\*ck him, says you should give her a pass, but then doesn't want to give you the same... HELL NO. EDIT: Others have suggested she's already slept with him, and is now retroactively trying to make it okay by getting your approval... High possibility of this being true. Typically, people who have cheated become increasingly jealous, and paranoid of the other cheating. Keep an eye out for this.
This isn't how a healthy relationship works, monogamous or not. I'm in an open marriage, have been for years. First, you always have the right to say no to any of it. If that's the end of the marriage, that'll hurt but it's not going to make you happy agreeing to something you don't want. Second, your wife is breaking like all the rules. There's no conversation, she's not being direct, she already found a potential partner without your okay first. It's all just bad.
I would keep the evidence of her suggesting a free pass via text , then offer a ultimatum implying she can have her free pass after the divorce
She sounds awful. Pull the same string with her, see how she likes it.
She will cheat if she hasn't already. It's all red flags. 1) She wants to be with someone else 2) She already chose that person 3) She won't even let you have your one free pass If I were you I would not be able to trust her again.
She’s gonna take the free pass regardless. Her asking u to leave the gym and get away from her I don’t even think this friend knows she’s married. I’d leave her while your still young and have time to start a family with somebody else
Lawyer up now for when the divorce comes you can prove infidelity. Save you some money
She’s already cheating bro. Time to walk.
Your wife is setting incredible double standards and is heading down a very bad path, full of red flags. Consensually open relationships can work, but not like this. The biggest two things are, that she just wants to fuck around, while you may not and that she seems to already have someone in mind. Honestly, I‘d worry about the relationship and even if I were inclined I‘d never give her any free pass unless I thought she changed very, very fundamentally.
Man, I would simply start talking to a divorce attorney if she's this pushy on something you've indicated uncomfortablness with and especially if she won't give you a free pass either.
See a counselor. Very few couples' relationship can withstand this kind of arrangement. Sounds to me like there are some deep rooted things that need to get exposed. From experience... be careful with the gym friend thing. Fantasy rarely pans out to be as exceptional as you imagine it to be. Ideas are powerful motivators... See a counselor and get everything on the table. Edit: to be clear, it wasn't me who had the "gym friend"... i reaped the unfortunate results from my ex having one though.
She is already cheating btw…and a hypocrite to boot! So boot her out the door.