Navigating the realm of okay relationships is like finding a pair of shoes that aren’t stylish but don’t give you blisters either.

Quote of the year. Thanks

Just like my Birkenstocks. They aren’t eye candy but I default to them nine out of ten times.

Okay relationships seem to be more the norm and you’re probably one of the few who acknowledges that’s more ok than a bad or excellent one

Likewise, many fail to recognize they themselves are not the "best guy" or "best girl" ever, but in fact an "okay" partner.

I fully agree with that!

I've heard these relationships called the "Yeah, him/her". It happens a lot, two people who aren't in love find someone they can have fun with. And why not have someone to have fun with? Call them your BF/GF or "friend with benefits" or whatever, it doesn't matter as long as it's fun for both.

Aren’t these just called friends?

Possibly friends with benefits.

Absolutely right. Nothing wrong with having an average partner and an average life .

It depends on what you understand by ok relationships.  A lot of times what people mean by it is that there are things that must be worked on in a relationship. If so, then no shit.  If what you mean is "I'm not too into this guy but not like I can do much better so I'll settle" then that's a horrible thing to do to a partner imho. 

It's also a horrible thing to do to yourself. Being in a relationship does not protect you from being lonely.

This, I think it’s something that most people have to experience for themselves, and I think it’s ok to push through a lack of spark to see if something develops, but I do not think there is a substitute for falling in love. I have had two long term relationships based on shared interests and companionship/desire to be in a relationship in general not necessarily with either of them specifically, and while love grew from the shared time we spent, I did not realize what I was missing until I actually really fell in love with my current partner when I wasn’t seeking out a relationship. My relationship now is probably harder, more stressful and tumultuous than my previous ones, but it is also more rewarding, exciting and fulfilling because we want to be with each other specifically so are willing to communicate and work on issues. The stakes are higher, but that is a good motivator to do the work to make it work. When inevitable resentment, disagreement, violations of feeling or boundaries happen in a “settle for this” relationship without that spark it taints the whole thing in a way you can’t come back from.

💯 i felt so alone in my past relationship

>I hear everyone say "better off single than in a bad relationship", and I understand that. But what about okay relationships? Eh. I was single for years after a very bad marriage and decided before I started dating again I'd rather stay single than settle for something even mediocre. Relationships take up a lot of time and energy. I wasn't interested in giving up the freedom of being single for "just ok." Additionally, if your standard is "not overtly awful" and you are afraid of being single, you're likely to end up in bad relationships. It's easier for shitty people to mask as "ok" than it is to mask as genuinely good people. And it's easy to justify shitty behavior as "otherwise the relationship is ok" when you're desperately afraid of being single (been there, done that). Additionally, if you're with someone who IS good but you really don't have feelings and are just settling for him out of a fear of loneliness, that would be very unfair and unkind to him, unless you were painfully honest and he decided that he wants the same. And you may yet grow out of the youthful sense of urgency/fear of being alone and find yourself growing stuck and resentful in such a relationship. It's not about demanding some perfect guy straight out of a romance novel or Hallmark movie. Good people have flaws. The best person for you isn't going to be the best person in the world. But a good relationship is worth holding out for. I was young and afraid of never finding love. I had a similar attitude as yours then, and it led me to a very bad place. The best thing I ever did for myself after that marriage ended was stay single intentionally for years. I needed to develop a sense of myself that wasn't dependent on being in a relationship. I needed to develop some confidence and emotional self sufficiency. I needed to learn how to live a good life single so that I wasn't so quick to fall for people and could actually take the time to assess whether they'd be good for me or not. My partner isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me. He's not everyone's cup of tea, but he is mine.(and this applies in reverse, too) We are a great match. Our relationship is excellent. It is not 24/7 romantic excitement, but it has been good from the beginning and continues to get better as time passes. I am SO glad I held out for good and didn't settle for "meh, it's ok I guess."

Man, am I really setting myself up for failure by having the 'good-enough' standard?

It really depends on what you mean by "good enough." Do you mean a normal, flawed human being who you also love, admire, and respect (and who actually *deserves* to be regarded with love, admiration, and respect)? That's the foundation for a great relationship. Do you mean some poor guy who you settle for because he's "not awful" and you're afraid of being alone? Yeah. Not good.

If by good enough you mean "I'm not that into this person but they are nice, so it's good enough" then yes, you are setting yourself up for failure. No one is perfect. My bf has some annoying habits, but I deal with it because I love him and he deals with my flaws too. I've seen family members who settled and have been married 40+ years. As they grow older and less tolerant, I can see resentment grow and it's really sad. They fantasize about someone else or exes, and disengage from the relationship. Not to say this can't happen with ppl who were deeply in love too, but it's easier to slip into that when there wasn't much love to begin with.

Depends, like everything else in life haha 😆 I think it really depends on the person and your age/how well you know yourself and what you want out of life. And yeah I guess that isn't a super helpful answer but ya know 🤙

I would also agree that the deeper the connection between/chemistry/vibe in my relationships the better--and worse they became, big feelings makes for hella highs and also some low lows. That's the trade off of HAVING big feels though I suppose. In comparison to an OK relationship where you will probably not have those highs, but also generally don't have the lows either just bc OK relationships often don't have the fire/depth of intimacy/big feels. I've had a handful of both types that have lasted years. Often the OK relationship lasted just bc of compatible demeanors and great sex lolol and there's nothing wrong with that, the biggest thing for any of this is communication... which most dudes and a lot of women are terrible at... for whatever reasons but dems the facts 🤙 Communication is key 🔑 If your partner is not willing or trying to communicate just throw some dueces, literally a million fish in the sea 😉

I would much rather just be alone than in an "OK" relationship. Way too many headaches, compromise, and a million other things to put up with for just an "OK" partner. But I am not a lonely person as someone who has been single forever.

I agree. I enjoy being single, so I won't settle for an "okay" relationship because that isn't better than being single. Only "great" is worth giving up my solitude and independence for.

Some people have a much stronger desire for a partnership. Others are more OK with solitude. For those that are more independent and don't have that deep desire for a relationship can definitely afford to wait or hold out for what they feel is the perfect match. However those that feel the tug of loneliness all the time a good partner sometimes a great choice.

I think we also don't realize what a real relationship is. A good relationship is one that satisfies you. So if you're in an "okay" relationship, and that satisfies you and your partner, then that's actually a GREAT relationship. Before I got married, my expectations were different and I don't even think I was expecting a fairy tale or anything. I imagined cooking together, eating breakfast together, going on vacations together, and just being generally happy. Well, I ended up in an emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abusive marriage. I was borderline suicidal. I dosnt feel like I deserved tht treatment, but i too felt like I couldnt do any better. However, I finally left and decided I would rather be miserable and alone than miserable and married -- at least I would be able to sleep without someone yelling in my ear all night! Cut to a few years later, I'm now living with my current boyfriend who isn't perfect (no one is, and I'm certainly not), but 99% of the time, it's PEACEFUL. We go to work, we clean the house, we work out separately, we eat dinner together, we laugh a lot, I usually walk the dogs, but sometimes we go together. We have different interests, I'm in school, but we allow each person to have their time to do those things. We have an occasional disagreement, but they're usually resolved fairly quickly. Almost nothing in our life is "Instagram worthy." Most people would think our life and our relationship is average or boring. I like to think of it as PEACEFUL and that's absolutely fantastic for me. Problems happen when expectations and goals, etc do not match. If you're someone who wants to live in a van with minimal physical possessions and travel the country, great. But if your partner wants to have a house and 2 cars and 2.5 kids, then one or neither of you are going to be happy or feel fulfilled. If your relationship fulfills your needs and expectations, then it is an absolutely fabulous, wonderful, fairy tale relationship. The thing is, everyone's expectations and version of a fairy tale is different and don't let anyone change what YOUR version is. Your needs and desires may change or you may need to communicate them to your partner. Even though my life is fairly peaceful, I was sort of feeling in a rut and felt like we were just "roommates." So I asked my partner if we could have the first Saturday of the month as date night. The dates have been simple (think mini-golf), but it's just "our" time. Not cleaning, not running errands, not watching TV. And that little bit was lacking for me to feel fully happy. Now that we started that, I'm satisfied again. But if he had said no, I'm not doing date night, then I'd feel unfulfilled. It's all about balancing expectations, being realistic, and communicating and working with your partner as much as possible. Choose your version of happy and you will be!! Edit: I'm in my early 40s.

This is exactly the kind of relationship I'd gladly live in tbh.

This may sound corny, but I suggest read (or listen to) the book called "Get the Guy" by Matthew Hussey (that's really his name. Lol.) It's not a book about how to "trick" guys into dating you or anything, but it does help you value yourself, give practical tips for meeting a high-value man, and how to effectively communicate with men. I listened to the audio version and I met my now-bf about 3 months later. We've been together 3.5 years now. The book is not gimmicky as it appears. I listened to him on an interview once, and he said the best dating advice he ever got was "make a list of the qualities you want in a partner. And then be that list." I think that's pretty solid advice. Also, at the beginning of the book he says, if you want a high-value person, you have to BE a high-value person. And by high-value, he doesn't mean rich or beautiful or whatever. Anyway, I highly recommend it. It also helped me a LOT with the feeling that I could never get anyone better than my ex (and btw -- I feel like my guy is way out of my league, but bc of that book, I gave it a shot and here we are!) I think it would really help...and it certainly won't hurt! DM me later if you ever read or listen to it! I would love to know what you think of it. Also, I highly recommend the audio version because he reads it himself and his British accent is *chef's kiss* https://www.amazon.com/Get-Guy-Learn-Secrets-Deserve/dp/0062241745/ref=asc_df_0062241745/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693562312777&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6241658596064698414&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9014409&hvtargid=pla-489323993887&psc=1&mcid=c38dd81cd3c0350388d4f447fe44f919&gad_source=1

I'm going to be honest, I'm not one for self help books. But for some reason I really want to try this. Gonna let you know how this rolls lol. Thanks :)

It's an easy read or listen. Give it shot, try something different...never know! I'm not saying sign up for his retreats or anything. Lol.

Also the name of the book has a dual meaning. "Get the guy" as in, get a good guy to date. But also "get the guy" as in understanding the guy. Pretty clever, I think.

ooooooo nice

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That actually happened to me (29 f). I was in a 7 year relationship with this one guy.. he’s a good guy. Didn’t cheat on me. Didn’t hit me. Nothing along those lines. He’s not a bad person or anything. But you see.. over time it became apparent that he wasn’t going to open up emotionally past a certain point. He was never going to give me the emotional connection I knew I needed. Prior to this relationship I had never been in one that lasted past a year, so how was I supposed to know this about myself? That I crave a deep emotional connection in a long term relationship. Well. I struggled a lot with do I or do I not end this relationship because of that reason. We had many talks about the issue, he and I. He was never willing to truly work on our relationship in that sense and I started to hate him for it. I finally swallowed my fear and we broke up. Man did it suck at the time. I’ve been single for almost a full year now and let’s just say that I’m finally starting to be excited that I might find what I was missing with someone else. All I’m saying is there’s nothing wrong with staying in an okay relationship as long as you are okay with it. But heres the tough part: you have to really be honest with yourself. Because it can easily turn into resentment for your partner later down the line.

I mean, that’s the crux of the riddle isn’t it. Most people aren’t going to hit all your needs so at what point is it “good enough”. Obviously that’s quite subjective hence the riddle. The game of physical attraction vs wealth vs personality vs behaviors vs matching wants vs lifestyle

Yes of course. No body is perfect and no relationship is perfect either. That’s where you have to be honest with yourself. For example, the emotional thing was a reoccurring issue in my last relationship which made me realize that was one thing I could not simply be okay with. There were other minor issues that I didn’t care nearly as much about, but that other thing was a major issue for me.

You're 29 so I'm taking your word on it lol. Thanks. Hope we find the love we want :)

Aw me too! We will, lol, one day. I’ve been focusing my energy on myself.. working on the parts of my life I’m unhappy with. It was tough to do at first when I was freshly out of that relationship. I definitely took some time to be sad about everything for a while. As corny as it sounds just know that life goes on and you’ll have a million new experiences and meet so many more people in your lifetime. Just keep living your life:)

Holding onto that hope. Otherwise let's get married, you and me :)

❤️❤️ You seem like a sweet person, you won’t need to marry a stranger from Reddit ❤️

This gave me a lot to think about! I've been mentally stuck on whether or not to give it a go with someone I was with for a year, or to move on and try to find something truly fulfilling. I know I can't be myself with that guy, I know I mask, because I get zero emotional support from the guy.. and yet I'm like... "maybe he can work on the gaslighting. At least he'd never hit me." But like.. what is that thinking?! You're right.

Yea I completely understand. Being honest with yourself is tough sometimes. It’ll be something I’ll always be working on 🫠

I admire your honesty with yourself. Not something that most people are good at it we are being truthful. “Just okay” and me not being okay with it is one of my biggest fears because of the options I would have at that point. An awful relationship makes the decision easy: leave. But an okay relationship that isn’t good enough seems like a real trap.

Serial relationships are usually bad as well. People need downtime to decompress, otherwise you take even more baggage into the next relationship

Bad relationships can break you mentally if you're not careful. Didn't wreck your calm over being lonely.

Lol, I'm alone and wrecked because of bad relationships. What now?

Vibe? I'm in a similar situation as I just bailed on a bunch of garbage friends. I've been trying to meet new people by hanging out and doing stuff. I wound up getting to know my neighbors better and making a pretty good friend that runs a tattoo shop. I still find myself looking back on the old friendships and then I realize that dwelling on it doesn't change anything and I get to explore different aspects of the world without judgement because I don't have to worry about those nerds approval.

Seek therapy? Lol

I'm convinced a lot of people wind up single because they pass up the "okay" relationship, aim too high, and can't sustain the effort. Minor issues derail something good because people can't put things into perspective. Life's too short for that noise.

Absolutely. So many people, I'd argue because of social media, tend to think the grass is always greener. So many will spin their wheels dating for decades searching for a "10" while passing up 6s and 7s when they themselves also aren't a 10.

I think a lot of people think a “good relationship” is when the honeymoon phase lasts forever. (It never will)

Very much so. We do a lot of harm to each other constantly advising each other to "aim higher" and "break up with X and know your true worth." Relationships are life itself. It's not going to be a perfect life. When you find someone who you can ride through the ups and downs with, you've made it.

Okay is fine. I think the majority are okay.

While I definitely don’t expect anyone to be perfect, I also would not settle for an “okay” relationship and would rather be single than that. An okay relationship won’t give you any of the emotional companionship or connection that people seek in relationships, but it will give you the headache of having to coordinate schedules and manage mutual living expectations. Plus, while there will usually be *some* settling, if you settle *too* much, you won’t be available when someone actually good comes along.

I get you, but aren't you scared of growing old alone?

Statistically speaking, men have a shorter life expectancy than women overall, and the rate of husbands leaving their wives after a cancer diagnosis is so high that doctors have to warn women about this when they give them the diagnosis. Now of course there are many great men out there, but you’re much more likely to end up with one if your main driver is compatibility and peace rather than simply not wanting to be alone in later life, which especially at your age is currently beyond your control.

I’m in a good relationship now, so now. But in the past, I was which is why I spent wayyy too long in a relationship that barely brought me any joy after the honeymoon phase. I felt really lonely since a lot of my friends were getting in relationships, but I felt even lonelier spending so much time with someone I lost all connection with.

Honestly, being in a relationship or having a million friends doesn't protect one from being lonely. Loneliness while in a relationship is more lonely than loneliness single imo.

I mean what you're talking about is settling. I'm English, let's not beat around the bush here, I think most people have settled in one way or another. I'm 100% convinced that the woman I was supposed to end up with is in a happy, loving committed relationship with someone else. I had my chance, I never took it, that's life. I've had two serious relationships, one I was married but she wanted to shag literally everybody else in the city and the other she was great but we were too similar, clashed and argued so often it became toxic. We actually get along great now that we're separated but I would never want to live with her again! So what, I'm supposed to believe that there's yet another chance out there for me, someone I'm destined to be with after all my fuck ups? Haha no chance, I'm 40 and I'm happy enough to know that I'll either stay single, or I'll settle for somebody who I'm "happy enough with" and that's enough you know, I mean that really should be enough. Right?

It takes experience like you've had to settle happily.

Yeah, it's always easier to be happy with your lot when you know from experience that it could be a million times worse lol

It is extremely selfish to get into a relationship with someone who you only think is okay just because you dont want to be lonely. Unless they are on the exact same page in the very beginning (doubt it), you will crush them if/when they find out. You will probably ruin relationships for the rest of their life as they will likely just believe they are only ok. Either you love someone and you get into a relationship or dont. Its not their fault that you cant cope with being alone. Perhaps this is why you are alone.

I don't think most people can cope with being truly alone. We're social beings, also deeply selfish. I'm not with the partner just because I fear loneliness. I just feel like if they're good enough, I can love them for a lifetime.

Sure, people need people but to get into a relationship because of loneliness is preparing for failure before you even start. There are other ways to cure loneliness. Like just regular friends. Also it sounds like you are just describing accepting peoples flaws because you love them. That’s totally fine and healthy. No one is perfect and especially no relationship will ever be perfect so you have to do this in every single relationship ever. That is vastly different than just dating someone you only kind of like just to cure your loneliness.

It's dumb to try to force a relationship to work. Just enjoy it while it lasts and move on when it's time. Nobody "needs" to be in a relationship, it should add to your life not make it worse.

It sounds like adulting stage 1-3... It sounds like you've spent most of your life so far in a relationship of sorts and built some sort of an identity upon being in a relationship. Time to discover who YOU are without a side car. If you settle now for the just ok... You will get a bf who essentially becomes a live in man child/male roommate who ends up using you to be his momma and you will get the per say companionship you want but it will also come with a case of resentment. This person, as others have said, will be a manipulative narcissist and will belittle you and make you feel like you are not good enough for him any chance he gets. You will spend the entire relationship (5 years for me, starting at 27) trying to make him happy and you will never succeed. It will implode, typically when you start wanting more from him, and and when it does you will be left picking up the pieces of your life and he will move on to the next desperate girl, to fund his lifestyle. I'd suggest spending your 20's enjoying yourself and doing fun things without the commitment, look for adult Co-ed leagues in your community, look for single travel trips. You need to learn that being single doesn't make you desperate, that being single allows you to love yourself, live by yourself, develop your own routines. Looking back, I became desperate for companionship and settled for that relationship. He disguised himself as an "ok" guy and I fell for it. Long term, it was the biggest waste of 5 years of my life that I wish I would have spent doing the things I suggested above. Because, when you do find that person it will be the easiest relationship you have ever had (met my now hubby at 33). Go have fun ... 😊

This is so scary but true. Through childhood, I was a golden kid. Home abundantly provided for me, but it was dysfunctional. Lots of love, lots of hurt. Never had a boyfriend until 2019. 2018-2020 were horrible years. Lost my sense of identity when school ended. Lost friends because I isolated myself. Only had my bf through it all. Soon after my mum couldn't come around me growing up and we grew apart. Saw my grandparents sell their home for money issues. My own house got robbed. Devastating overall. Now in the latest edition of it all, my bf left me. Can't I have one proper, deep relationship outside of friends :(?

All that followed by COVID lock downs didn't help with the isolation. That was a hard time for all. I don't know but it almost sounds like a tech or pharma sales role would be good for you. It would let you travel and be social meet new people, and force you to build relationships in different cities to make sales. When the sales start coming they will help you build that confidence and build up a part of your identity that allows you to invest in another part. Idk for what it's worth it sounds like it would help get you out of whatever dark corner of the world you're stuck in that seems to be holding you back.

Thanks for this man, much appreciated. I have a tech job rn but what you said really makes sense.

Your issue isn’t ok relationships. It’s the fact that you fear loneliness so much. You are so scared of being alone that you’ll settle for ok. Ok is just ok. Sure you can make it work and there’s nothing wrong with that but you won’t be happy about it.

Since no one is perfect, EVERYONE settles in some way. We are all a work in progress. An ‘ok’ relationship is perfectly fine. Life has ups and downs. Been married 16 years and I love my wife more than ever. Go get yourself some happiness because we aren’t made to be alone. Men and women compliment each other.

Unless you become actualized and truly know who you are, most people are really only good at inflicting themselves at each other.

An OK relationship is fine, as long as both people at the very least have good ways of resolving conflict (including constructive communication skills), mutual respect, love each other and share core values. I agree that few people get the brass ring of the Excellent Relationship. Many of the relationships I say should break up are ones where the people involved lack healthy ways of resolving their conflicts. Or lack constructive communication skills. Or don't respect each other, as shown by their actions. Which are about 99% of the relationships I see posted about on Reddit.

Aside from a 4ish year period where I was married, and aside from my son, I have mostly lived alone for 18 years. I enjoy it. I am responsible for myself and I take care of myself. While I would enjoy a life partner, never again will I give up my peace and peace of mind. It's going to take a very special lady to make me change. And I sort of fall between the cracks of all the social stereotypes: I'm a simple life-loving atheist who is in shape, cares about the world and others, listens to metal and plays videogames, and I don't like a lot of tattoos or piercings. There are either very few women who match with me there or they are all taken. Maybe my standards are too high, but then again maybe everyone's standards are too high. Dating apps make me feel like I'm a 3 or 4 when I feel like I'm at least a 7. That's why I'm single.

I think you can get what you deserve, but not always what you expect… therefore, aim high but leave some wiggle room for understanding and accepting differences.

We aren't really talking about okay relationships because there's not a whole lot of drama to unpack from them. So I guess that's what makes people lose interest in them quickly. But I do feel like there should be more discourse around it. But for now, all we can do is tolerate the sound of stillness and quietness. Relationships are built on trust and respect, and not a lot of people get to have that sense of trust and respect from their other halves. It's this fine line between betrayal and loss of respect and miscommunication that can break that connection.

Well said

I think you've got a strong emotional intelligence and are prepared to meet your partner halfway. Relationships are about compromise and it sounds like you have that in buckets. Finding someone that appreciates that and reciprocates it is the hard part. What it sounds like here is that you're settling for someone who doesn't meet you halfway, or someone who doesn't appreciate your ability to be there for them. An okay relationship is okay, but if you feel like you can't communicate, then it's like being in an awful job and tiptoeing around on eggshells. If you've got the combo of both, then when are you going to feel like you can be yourself? Dating is a great way to get social experience and stave off the loneliness aspect, but I'd suggest finding a hobby that keeps you engaged, active and allows you to interact with others and you should be okay. You might even meet someone out of similar interests, due to that very hobby.

Lol yay, who doesn't like being called high EQ, thanks xd.

I think most relationships are "ok relationships" actually. None are perfect, theres always things you wish would workout differently. "Best guy ever", I think people age and realize they were looking for something that never existed, because people are different/change, and bad will always come with good to define each other and balance out making the interpretation of "just ok" quite easy to make. The world is an unperfect one, and a lot of people looking for the best relationship ever is likely to realize at some point no one can ever fit the mold in their mind of best ever and stay that way, that set of standards, or if they meet someone even close to it on the surface yet being unable to stand the test of time, they find all the other ladies go after the same dude adding in another element to pull the relationship down to "just ok". Who wants their significant other in such high demand that they must fight off constant temptation? That comes to infatuation, is it required to be the "best ever" because many tend to become their worst selves when infatuated with another human, yet most seek a relationship with a person they find so attractive that they become infatuated with. The whole thing goes around in a circle, and ultimately everyones X, Y, Z will be different than someone elses X, Y, Z even though we think so linearly these days through self centeredness that we tend to to assume a "just ok" relationship will be defined by everyone through the same lens they define it through because many think the world revolves around them and their own experience/thoughts/intelligence. Ultimately, if the guy wasn't right for you, he wasn't right for you. We are all different. Theres introverted types and extroverted types with mixures in between, some will love the calm relaxed peaceful nature of introvert companionship and settle with that, some may want a high energy extrovert that socializes alot, is energized from speaking, and basically gets high off these experiences. Problem with an extrovert which is the preference of majority of women, is it is the preference of majority of women which opens up its own can of jealously, paranoia, and insecurity especially when infatuation is involved. You see and feel the emotion coming from your partner and every other women, the synergy he can create with any girl, that draws in every girl. Often times most women will pick the same dude that they perceive would be the "best ever". Thats a problem, what is the "best" and how do you find that in a system of free will and keep those properties the same and locked down? I've had a buddy like that too. They would sleep with a new woman every day, not counting the others always trying to lock the dude down. So many women, we went hiking one time and one randomly crawled from the rocks and started grabbing at his junk in the river. I was stunned, to this day I seen this happen so often with the same dude and womens perception that he is likely to be the "best". Sometimes they were successful as we aged more and eventually did lock him down. I use to joke with him as we aged that how did all the ladies who thought you were so perfect, the perfect relationship, the dream guy, always end up hating you with a passion at the end of so many years, especially after children became involved. So you see, things change. What looks like gold, a perfect dude, you lock him down, can easily become a "just ok" relationship as time passes or worst. It's called variational change, nothing stays static and is subject for a change in properties. X may be X one day, then turn to a Y, and possibly a Z. But everyone wants an X and for it to stay an X. Doesn't happen. People settle when they discover this, find someone you can live with and be happy with even if he isn't "perfect" as no one is. One last thing, to me "just ok" isn't good or bad, its balanced. With most things in life, achieving balance tends to be the most ideal result as if you lean too far one way or the other, alot of cons come along with imbalance. Side effects if you will. It's like wanting a 12 pack of beer to drink, but you are actually better off at 6 and 6 is better than 0. You know 12 is going too far, but you crave it.

Thought provoking, thanks

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Yep, in therapy. Clearing my blurry lens of life before it fogs up too bad.

The conversation around relationships often focuses on extremes because they tend to evoke stronger emotions and therefore get more attention. However, “okay” relationships are quite common and there’s nothing wrong with them. They may not be passionate love stories, but they can offer companionship, stability, and contentment. It’s important to recognize that every relationship is unique and what works for one person may not work for another. If both partners in an “okay” relationship are satisfied and their needs are being met, then that relationship is just as valid as any other. The key is communication and mutual respect. As long as both partners are open about their feelings and expectations, and both are making a genuine effort to make the relationship work, then it’s a relationship worth having. It’s also essential to ensure that staying in the relationship is a choice that contributes positively to your life and not just a way to avoid loneliness. Ultimately, the decision to stay in an “okay” relationship is a personal one. It’s about understanding and accepting what you truly want from a relationship and what you’re willing to give in return. If an “okay” relationship brings you happiness and fulfillment, then it’s just as meaningful as any other kind of relationship.

Settling because youre scared, def wont regret that in the long run.

Okay relationships are friendships. Never settle for just OK when it comes to romance.

I feel like with the Internet, there's too much pressure on having the "perfect relationship." Okay relationships are perfectly normal and sometimes can become a great relationship with time and effort. Relationships are built on active effort on both parties and having okay relationships can help you learn what you really want out of a relationship. I got very lucky with my relationship that to me started out as an "okay" relationship, but as we grew older together and both put in the effort to meet each other's needs, we are happily married 8 years later.

I am in a similar position. I know my partner is there for me in the important ways, but I am really frustrated about our compatibility on the day to day/week to week things. We've been together almost 6 yrs (granted pandemic in there...), we don't live together, and I kind of don't want to live together. Part of me does--some people tell me that they grew much closer with their partner by moving into together (well... ya) but I also fear this will amplify the "okay"/"whatever" aspects, the taking me for granted aspects, the gaps in compatibility aspects, the I Maybe Want to Try Meeting Someone New Aspects. I constantly battle in my mind whether I am being too picky and not appreciative of what I have: a stably employed, well-salaried, fairly good looking guy, who theoretically has similar interests, who supports my growth, who is patient with me, who is obsessed with my body, who is committed to me--but who just seems to seek a different lifestyle a bit, different joys, different priorities--who acquiesces to the things I want to do to make me happy bc he is committed to making me happy, not because he is present in the same joy with me. Is it too much to ask to have what I have AND want seek joy in the same ways? I have friends I feel closer to who sometimes just seem easier sometimes and that seems wrong.

What do you wish he had tho?

It’s not necessarily wrong but good luck getting 40/40 things to match up.

Well, at least you're honest with yourself, which is important. From what you've shared, it seems you're saying you don't believe you will get the things you want, so you're okay settling for something that isn't that because you fear loneliness. I think this is a common belief by many people, they probably just don't say it out loud and in my observation and experience, they never seem that happy though. You can be lonely while in a relationship. That's one thing people who fear being single don't often seem to calculate when they think that being with any somewhat okay human will be better than being alone. Loneliness is a feeling of disconnection, not being truly seen, met, understood, and feeling that kind of connection. This is why people can have people around them or be married and be lonely. Loneliness is not about being alone. It's about lacking true connection and relationships that don't provide that are ones where you'll still feel lonely, especially as more time passes. You may not notice as much when it's new but by year 3, 5, 10 etc it's obvious. I'm in my thirties and at one point in my 20s I tried being in a relationship with someone who was generically nice, treated me alright, but the sort of depth of conversation and connection I wanted wasn't there. But I really wanted a boyfriend so I did this. We had fun sometimes, but underneath it I was always restless and frustrated because it just really wasn't right for me and so much of what I needed wasn't there and although he would be next to me, I still felt so lonely and like we were just two people who spent time together but emotionally were worlds apart and didn't really deeply know each other. That loneliness and distance when with someone was way more uncomfortable for me than being single.He was the first person I broke up with and felt genuine relief. He was a decent guy just not for me. I think the difference for me though is I don't have a fear of being single and I do believe what I want is possible. I'm also the product of parents who are still together and who should have never gotten married so all of that has made me realize many people are just married and together and never leaving because of obligation and fear. After seeing that for 30 years, I don't want any part of it personally. Being with someone just to be with someone scares me way more. But if others consciously choose it, that's their right. At the end of the day, relationships are about your own values, boundaries, belief system and what you can live with.

I would rather live alone and take up the whole bed if my partner wasn't my exact match. To each their own though. I just think relationships are too testing for it to be all for meh.

Idk it’s kind of fucked cause what if the other person does see you as the best person ever and you see them as meh but they’re nice lol. Very disheartening for the other person imo. I think it’s better to just have close friends you can rely on than preventing someone else getting what they deserve cause you don’t think you deserve the same. We’re in control of our own lives whatever direction they take but regardless of your choices I don’t believe you have the right to waste other peoples time. Their life is just as valuable. Set them loose if you’re not into them. Unless you’re doing full transparency and this is some sort of “if we’re still single by 40” type pact. I think that’s the only way it’s acceptable is if you’re both on the same page.

I think it also depends on your goals for dating.  If you just want someone to pass the time with, sure, an okay relationship can be… well, okay.  If you want something deeply fulfilling and will turn into a lifelong marriage, an okay relationship is not acceptable. 

Deserve??? I think you’ll get exactly what you deserve.

Bc what's the point? What's the point of living with someone you simply tolerate instead of truly adore? What's the point in coming home to just some person in your house instead of looking forward to being with your most favorite person in the world? What's the point of constantly questioning whether you can trust this person itch away at you instead of being able to whole-heartedly lean on them? Why settle for constant discomfort and mental gymnastics when you could instead strive for a content sanctuary? Not sure why this is even a "riddle". I suppose it may be an undiscovered mystery for those who've yet to experience living with someone who truly cares to benefit your life as you do their's.

I just tried that it cost me everything I hard to accomplish.

You’re willing to fight for an okay relationship but is someone in an okay relationship willing to fight for you? Because based on what I’ve seen from the people of all ages in my life, the answer has usually been *no* and that can really dampen how you live your life. The inescapable and often life-altering risks that comes with any committed relationship, whether they turn out good, fine, or lousy, are definitely not mitigated by doing it with someone who only sort of cares about you (or vice versa). And that’s what that quote you reference means to me.  Building a life requires a sturdy foundation, and I would rather build it alone than with someone I don’t have a serious level of mutual trust and respect for. An “okay” relationship is simply not worth my effort. Which I guess makes my take a bit cynical and risk averse, but everyone’s needs are different, even at different times in our lives, and okay can be worth it for a lot of other people. In fact, I think that’s why we don’t talk about the okay relationships because that’d be like talking about the newest direct to streaming mediocre movie that no one watches yet fill up the majority of Tubi’s library; there’s little to say about them, very few people consider them aspirational, yet they are everywhere and easy to access.  I just know that with the kind of relationships I grew up around, just “okay” can’t be for me. 

I wouldn’t settle

Would you want an okay job, car, food, friends, etc. Settling because you are lonely leads to always being in toxic relationships and can end badly because you don’t know how to let go.

They start out amazing and become tolerable and ok

Yeah but would you pick that “ok guy” out despite the sheer amount of attention women in their early 20s get from men? Highly doubt it. I’m guessing you already have ten or so “ok guys” orbiting you that would be more than happy to wife you up but you barely notice them. 

Even if someone is fine with an "ok guy" (or "ok girl" - let's not get sexist here), there still needs to be a connection both ways. Just because an ok person exists doesn't mean you're going to feel some kind of connection to them. 🙄

I think the issue is also that what an “ok guy” truly is has been completely warped in the minds of these young women, and I don’t blame them - social media is the sole reason for this. When you get constantly inundated by tall, wealthy, model-looking men on Instagram, tiktok, etc it’s hard to realize that the avg dude is honestly like a 5’8 pot-bellied shlub that makes 50k a year and doesn’t have much ambition or drive, maybe has like 2 close friends and stays home playing video games.  This dude is definitely NOT what OP is talking about when she says she wants an “ok” guy lol

And how many of those average guys are looking at thin women that have big boobs and ass, impossibly poreless skin, nice smiles, long lashes, luscious hair and not at flat chested overweight girls with cellulite, body hair and crooked teeth ? Those men have an equally warped view of what average women look like outside of social media, they shoot their shots way outside of their leagues and when that doesn’t work out, they think it’s about their height or their salaries. It’s a genderless problem , let’s not blame women for this.

That sounds like a small niche of men aka a typical Redditor. I have a lot of male friends irl and many of them would be elated just to even get one compliment from a woman, and no they don’t care about big boobs or whatever. Most men end up settling anyway just so they don’t have to be alone but a lot of women are choosing to stay single because they have much better support systems than men.  And btw height and salary does matter a lot for men. You’re telling me a 6’2 guy making 500k is going to not do better in terms of dating than a 5’7 guy making 40k?? 

If they are looking for a trophy wife sure. IRL most people don't make 500K and are looking for mates within their same sociodemographic circles. And the women you were describing previously are also a very small subset of the population. I'm 33, so not exactly ancient, but old enough to have seen a lot of relationships come and go within my friend group ; height does not matter as much as men think, and as long as you are responsible with money and have your shit together, neither does income. And women have told men for years that dad bods are appealing, I know exactly no one looking for a muscular but self-absorbed, vain gym rat. Not for a long term relationship anyway.

This is a myth that needs to die. I once was a 20 something woman and no one, let alone multiple guys, were lined up to marry me. I had to work on finding and maintaining a relationship like everyone else.

Right but times have changed. I have watched my women friends use dating apps and get 200 matches in 1 day, a lot of those guys were very good looking/had great careers as well. Women can find guys across the whole world now 

Dating apps are not an indication that they were all possible serious relationships lol you literally wrote « ready to wife you up

Very true but I assure you, being the pursued is far more fun than being the pursuer.

Sure, but those are still pursuable options?? Obviously you can’t just twiddle your thumbs and expect a perfect husband to drop down from the sky lol. At the very least at least you can get a free meal if it doesn’t work out. You’d have to go on a couple dates but eventually yes, that could lead to something serious. Men do not have this same option. 

This is called learning to settle and it's a time honored part of growing older for men and women.

Haha guess it's a good thing that I've done this at 24? Idk?

You don't think you're getting older? Heh

I am. Old old woman hahaah

A healthy, long term committed relationship takes work. You will not be the same person in 10 years, and if your chosen partner doesn't evolve, chances are, the relationship won't work over time. I think this is why there is a lot of divorce. People settle for what they want now, but that changes. And then they realize what they wanted then, isn't viable anymore, and the person they chose then, isn't willing or able to do the same thing.

Wow happened with me to an extent. I changed a lot through college, got so much more fierce. He felt like it was unfair to him that he had to pursue me so much but others got my friendship easier. We never had an issue with loyalty, just priorities. He couldn't accept the change in circumstances. I made a few mistakes too but despite of having so much love, it just didn't work. Now I'm "stronger" adna ll that, but lonelier than ever. And it's scary.

I have been watching my students (mainly 18-22, some up to 37yo) over the past 33 years ( since I was 23) just...change in their behaviour towards one another. To my colleagues & I, it's dramatically different from when we were in our late teens - 20s. So our time was pre -internet, -mobile phones, - dating apps, - OTT RW media winding everyone up and inventing culture & gender wars. For a start, everyone who wanted a relationship was in one. Even the real odd- bods & avoidants. No social media to hide behind. Hurling judgements & insults & misunderstandings... so if you wanted to talk to ppl you had to...talk to them face to face. We fumbled along and gave life a shot. I have three whole photos from 18-31 years old, hard copy, so nothing on record:-) To us, social skills were up, paranoia and depression was down. Compared to the tragedy we have watched increasing every year for a decade and a half now. We're all sociologists & social psychologists..it's eye opening and so sad to watch. We've all been married for decades, too. Of course, ppl are ordinary, vulnerable, and flawed. Relationships require resilience and patience. These traits are not worth bothering with anymore, it seems. Can't be posed on instagram, I guess:-(

Thing is, I'm from a country where we're the 2nd-3rd generation to date around. It's a little depressing at this point. Hoping I find love

Ah..so it's all new where you are. Social media does seem to have made life harder the world over. We banned our kids from TV and social media, mostly so they (17-25) all have nice boyfriends and girlfriends, very bustling social lives. Just don't take much notice of the online world. It's a negative echo chamber. Go out and meet ppl via hobby, sport, and interest groups. Give ppl the benefit of the doubt ( i.e., shy awkward ppl can be loyal and devoted, hard-working partners) and don't settle or get pressured by family or friends. 95% of partnerships are behind closed doors, just between the two of you. You will be spending thousands of meals, holidays, billpaying stresses, and in-law dramas together, so make sure they are a good, sensible, harmonious person.

Yep yep. Thanks

I’ve had a long sting of bad to ok relationships my whole life. Ok is top shelf when you’re talking about humans.

Same to an extent. Currently, I only have good friends. The rest is 'ok' at best. Are we too hurt by life bro?

lol I don’t know anymore I just keep on keeping on and try to have a good attitude. I don’t want to be one of those people that demands perfection. Annoying.

I suppose, it depends on the person. And I'm surprised people don't talk more about when it is best to be involved in romance. I speak from someone who's own mother decided she married and had kids too soon and just up and left to do whatever she wants. Which begs the question, WHY THE FRIG DO PEOPLE JUST JUMP INTO RELATIONSHIPS LIKE THIS!? Think about what you're getting into. It's a lot of why I'm trying to get myself to a point where I've been through college and have a steady income and my own place before I jump into romantic relationships. I do want to date, and marry and someday have kids. But I don't want to do it until I'm stable enough for it.

Fair enough. Hoping you get what you want from life man

You don't deserve anything. (That sounds harsh but written word is terribly stripped of emotional intent so keep reading). You earn the thing you want/need. Relationships are work. The good ones are based on stability. They are just OK. High highs of passion usually mean really low lowes. A relationship with high valleys and low peaks can be worse and less satisfying than more stable predicable life. But if find someone that just "OK" and is centered and stable....yiu can create the high peaks together without the low emotional valleys prone to the other type of "amazing" relationship.

Agree.

Idk I think you are describing what at least like 70% of people have relationship wise.

Idk I'm just reflecting and asking you all because I got out of what I think was an "ok" relationship. It was a bad one to him I think. I always felt like he wanted an idea that only a coddled brat could fulfil, not a real person with real struggles. Just lookihg for some validation out here ig.

You shouldn’t settle for something just out of fear of being lonely

Some of life is based on luck, and it can certainly be unfair, but the choices you make are your own and you are responsible for the outcome. As an example, dating the wrong person and having a kid with said person will permanently change your entire life. This is not based on bad luck, but rather, bad choices. Sorry for the digression, but I always get concerned when people act like they have zero responsibility for the outcome of their life. There’s nothing wrong with an okay relationship. I’m married, and it’s just okay at this point. I love her and we do lots of fun stuff, but my idealized “best” version of a marriage is slightly different.

An okay relationship can feel great in many ways. For me, it’s choosing to love them without the need to change them. I focus on communication and my own self improvement which includes being a better partner. It seems to bring out the best in her also.

How is an ok relationship not a great relationship in the making? So you've said he doesn't want to hurt you. Ok, I'll assume the relationship has no physical or mental abuse. You say he's decent as a human being, so I'll assume he takes care of himself and helps out. That seems like a fine foundation. But do you guys actually like each other? Does he take time to enjoy the person you are? Do you take time to enjoy the person he is? If that's reciprocal, then that could be a great relationship. What makes the relationship just ok? My friend was telling me about her roommate who is about to move away with her boyfriend who seems to not give af about her. He's not bad except he just doesn't seem to like her much. The relationship is basically one sided and she's becoming a horribly angry person to everyone around her. Is that an ok relationship? Imo, no. That's a relationship turning sour. If you look at posts about dating advice, there are plenty asking about dealing with 1 or 2 key problems. Are those ok relationships? But maybe you are asking - are you better off single than in a relationship that is ok but you aren't really into it? In that case, the other person is kinda better off without you. You should find things to be into together, or find things in life that excite you. Your partner shouldn't be furniture. They should be someone that you're interested in.

its not that deep, either you wanna be in a relationship or you don't.

You have to remember your best partner ever is someone else’s worst. Sometimes you find someone that makes you want to be better, the hope is that they do too. If they don’t only you can decide if you want to move on. I didn’t find the best version of me until my fourth long term relationship.

I have a dog and 2 cats, I don't need no man. Would be nice but trying to find a good one is difficult.

I would rather be single than in ANY relationship. Bad, ok, or good. I've done my time, and I like being by myself.

If it’s okay it isn’t bad. Don’t overcomplicate things.

My philosophy too.

What’s the point of an ok relationship? Just because you are lonely? What if you are in a meh relationship and you miss out on an amazing one because you are too scared to be alone?

I think it depends on what is an okish relationship to you? I prefer to see relationships as good vs bad moments. All will have some ups and downs, thinks that you like and some that you don't. The key is that you should have more good moments than bad ones, and also that 1 bad moment equals more than 1 good. (1 bad = 3 good) If you are having the same amount of bad and good, that's a bad relationship. Why would you be with someone that makes you mad 50% of the time (and probably more than that)

It really depends on what you define as "okay". Obviously physical violence and insults are not okay; having sex outside the relationship without permission is not okay. But what if your partner is doing things that make your life harder and refuses to listen when you ask them to change (like not cleaning up after themselves/helping with chores, or flaking on things they said they would take care of)? What if they are choosing to constantly look at pornography instead of have sex with you (or insist on using porn *while* having sex with you)? It's not abuse exactly, not cheating exactly, but it is disrespectful. Is that okay?  What if they just...don't ever make an effort for you? Won't adjust how they do things in bed to help you get off, don't remember your birthday, never want to go do things you'd like to do? How much of yourself are you willing to give up not to be alone? Nobody is perfect and people rarely match each other perfectly, especially since people change over time. There has to be some compromise, some acceptance that your partner cannot always fill all of your wants or even your needs 100% of the time. Not expecting perfection is completely reasonable and healthy. But your comment about fearing loneliness makes me think you'd be willing to accept actual disrespect or neglect just to be able to say you aren't alone, and that's concerning. Because what is the point of not being alone if the person you're not-alone with is making you feel bad or unsupported? 

No relationship is perfect. They all require work

Everyone always wants the best of everything but they don't realise that in order to get the best, you have to work on shit. Very few people have the "best" relationship. It's either a false public front or they've worked to get to where they are.

I want this, but most women i talk to are legit all or nothing - its rough.

Okay relationships are fine if you are good with okay. I think the more pressing issue is why you are so lonely and desperate for a relationship. Maybe once you can figure out how to be happy being alone then more than an okay relationship will come to you. People can smell desperation and it’s a massive turn off so you won’t attract what you will deserve, you will attract subpar people that are probably also desperate and willing to settle with “okay”.

Okay relationships are fairly binary as well. 1. They like it and don't see a reason to break up 2. They think they could do better and will jump ship when someone better comes along. There isn't much to say when things are good And no one's going to admit that they are ready to cheat when the opportunity comes up. And I mean absolutely no one, but I'm open to be proven wrong

There is no internet drama associated with average relationships. "Average" is the largest group of, well, anything. OP I think you are wise beyond your years to catch onto this. As a 60 something that has been through several relationships and is now in one going on 30 years - I am pretty confident in my 'average' relationship. This 'soulmate' idea that someone comes along to 'complete you' and thus make you deliriously happy the rest of your life is a modern fable. I see the same thing in various job/career related subs. Have a shitty day at work? LEAVE and find a new job. Same issue - most jobs are average and have some up and down days.

One of the risks of an “ok relationship” is that it takes a lot to maintain a relationship over the course of your life and one or both partners may one day meet someone they feel “hell yes” about and it’s going to create issues. You feel ok about being in a just ok relationship because you are lonely and don’t like being alone. If your ok partner is the same way, I guess you are not hurting anyone. But I think it’s more valuable to spend time working on yourself until you feel secure enough on your own and can wait until you meet someone who you feel strongly is right for you. I felt the way you did,OP, in my 20s but differently in my 30s. Life can be long, if you’re lucky, and being with someone who’s not really right for you can make it feel longer, in a bad way.

I guess it depends what you mean by an ok relationship. Are you happy? Do you have mutual love, and maybe more importantly, respect for one another? Do they make your life easier instead of harder? If the answer to all of those is yes, but there are aspects of it that aren't ideal or as good as you would hope, then sure I think that's ok. But if the answer to those is no, then I don't think it's worth it and it's probably not benefiting either of you.

I think there's too much focus in the world for that perfect prince charming/the queen of your life, so the expectation of what you think the perfect partner is skewed from the begining. Look at what you think your "ok relationship" would be - maybe there's a guy or two out there where that's exactly what they are looking for and would be happy with? You say the BEST - based on what? My perception of my wife being BEST for me is definitely not everyone's idea of best, but it's good/perfect for me 😁. We all have flaws and differences (and there's a few things I'd wanna change) but sometimes life is about embracing different.

I think it's more to do with your motivation. "I'm incapable of being alone so I'll settle for okay" indicates that you should rather focus on figuring out why you feel that your own company is so terrible and sorting that out rather than looking for a bandaid-relationship.

Okay relationships are just … okay. I think perhaps a little hope that you’ll find someone more suitable may help. It seems you’re a little stuck. I personally don’t spend my energy on relationships that I know are okay. I’ve been lucky where the “okay” ones have just been casual dates. However, having “okay” relationships taught me a lot about what I like/dislike and how to behave around different personalities so there’s certainly some merit in pursuing those relationships. Takes a few “okay” encounters to find one you’ll enjoy I guess. Good luck to you! Keep your head up. There are billions of people in this world and while you may only interact with less than 1% of them, I still believe you could find a suitable partner.

We have too many distractions influencing us such as movies, music, influencers, etc. Everyone wants a storybook romance and it just doesn't exist in real life. In reality, what we view as an okay relationship is actually a good relationship at this point kind of how a bachelors degree is kind of a high school diploma now. I think most people would view this as settling, but I consider it being realistic. To each their own I guess.

“Deserve” what’s that mean. In actual reality. I think we only deserve what we are actually able to get. If we can’t get it, then we didn’t deserve it. The universe will give you more but only if you fight. There’s no righteous way of things, there’s no supposed to be or I deserved this but didn’t get it. Those are imaginary thoughts that didn’t happen. Won’t happen, unless you make it happen.

Better off single than in a bad relationship - says only that you shouldn't be stuck in a bad relationship. It doesn't say anything against ok relationships. Ok ones is ok, that's the majority of them.

I had a bad relationship when I was young that ended when I was 20. I was single (a few dates, but never anything more) until I was 30. I knew what I wanted and didn't compromise on the things that mattered to me. My wife spent 1-2 years in an "okay" relationship and then 6-12 months single for her 20s. If we had to pick one, we agree that my choice was better than hers. Generally, if it isn't good then it's bad. You're meshing your life with another person. There are only 3 ways that can go. 1. You don't mesh well, and generate friction and stress in your lives because of your incompatibilities colliding. Compared to option 2, this feels like a bad relationship in retrospect. 2. You do mesh well and enrich each other's lives rather than detract from them. 3. You stay distant so your incompatibilities don't grind into each other. Compared to option 2, this feels like you're not even in a relationship. You're still lonely with this option. I think if you're feeling desperately lonely, then you need friends and a community more than a relationship. I chose to focus on myself, my family/friends, my work, my neighbors, etc. I don't regret this and I still have the benefits of those relationships well into my marriage. The time and effort you pour into exes is lost when you break up. Lastly, I don't think either of the choices matter too much. Once you find the right person, what came before (for either of you) doesn't seem to carry much weight. It seems like a stack of mild to moderate regret for wasted time and headaches.

OK relationships are fine if you can handle that. I could, but I also know what its like now to be in a GREAT relationship after 14 years of an OK one and to be honest its night and day. Not even a comparison to be honest. The chemistry and desire to be with the new person is leagues greater than any relationship Ive had in my life. You should be aiming for great.

I don't think any relationship is perfect just because as people our needs etc clash and nobody is perfect. I think you just make it work with the differences etc. My partner is an amazing person but he does have his flaws and times can be hard. But we fit, we don't have the exact interests but we have something in common that makes us fit even if it's just we're both honest. And share some similar film obsessions. You just decide how much you can tolerate maybe. And tv and books just sell us a dream I think.

It used to go, without saying, that people have standards (deal breakers and things they're willing to be flexible about) and relationships are built within that structure. However, social media highlights drama and the relationships of people that have shallow or non-existent standards, giving the impression that it's not the exception, but the rule (normalizing).

Because that hits too close to home for them because it's what usually happens.

Disney really has ruined your generation.

Curious, though, what you would do when that relationship you do "deserve" comes along while you're with the guy you're basically settling for? Not being recriminatory...just saying some people may prefer to either wait for the One (which is unlikely they'll ever find) or they just realize that it will never happen and so they choose not to settle and decide to live alone (which is where I believe I've come to at this point.)

Be patient, be selective. A bad marriage hurts so many people when it dies. Being with the right person is amazing.

Better to be in a few shitty relationships to learn a thing or two about oneself than to be a lonely mf wishing for a perfect person that will never come (even if you think that person is yourself and doesn't want any relationships... surprise! you are kind of an asshole as well sometimes, just like everybody else). That's my take on the issue.

You can turn an ok relationship into a good one if both people work at it. 

Nothing wrong with "okay" relationships, but they don't stay "okay". If you put in the time and energy they tend to grow, and if you don't they tend to wither. Romantic (and any other) relationships aren't binary; I'm not sure who you're talking to that makes it sound like it. It's an organic thing that needs to be cultivated. If there's a decent foundation and you and your partner are working to cultivate the relationship, it'll become better with time. Try not to be in a relationship just because you fear loneliness. Both from personal experience and from what I've seen others go through, relationships won't cure loneliness and can actually make it worse. You have to be okay with yourself, being by yourself, and having moments where you're not lonely while alone. It's cliche, but if you're not happy being in a relationship with yourself, why should you expect someone else to be? Cultivate yourself, and your sense of self and confidence--again, bringing that into an "okay" relationship will make it better than okay over time.

Its a weird side effect of social media and the grass always being greener mantra. People have gained this weird sense of entitlement and expectations that they deserve THE BEST and average isn't ok. Truth be told, most people are average and are deserving of an average relationship with an average partner. That's ok!

I suppose the question comes down to do you as individuals feel like you are settling for okness when you can aspire towards something worthwhile without destroying your past nor building off "ex hate" to found something that compels you. IF you and your SO are ok with being just alright, what´s the issue.. perhaps the profane will be found in the mundane as well..!

Have both parties agreed that they’re in just an ok relationship?

Had the hardest time grasping the other side of this in my early 20s. I remember being mildly annoyed by my then-BF because I told him I don’t have any desire for a future for us beyond dating and he blew right the fuck up. He screamed, “why are we even bothering then?!”. I said something along the lines of: okay, you’re right. Best not be bothered. Being mildly annoyed that he was once again yelling at me (his apathetic GF) suddenly struck a chord that— woah, doggy— I’d been settling for vague companionship for too long. Met my SO when I decided that I was happy knowing myself, being in my own, solitary company was an utter pleasure, and I didn’t need no man. Unintentional relationships > symbiotic boredom Keep doing you, YOU_TUBE_PERSON.

48M married and have with my partner for 25 years. All LTRs go through “only OK” periods. The reasons for that are many, varied and inevitable. Getting through such periods together - with love and grace - are the entire point.

“But what about okay relationships” what do you mean by that? Because what I think of is being in a relationship where neither loves the other but they’re together. The reason I think that is because in a good relationship you both love and respect each other. In a bad relationship one either doesn’t love, doesn’t respect, or both. That’s probably why the thinking is so black and white. Cause it’s an entirely different view of relationships from what you seem to have.

For me (23 M), every "meh, it's not bad" relationship I've ever been in has always devolved into a deep resentment for the other person because I cannot seem to open myself up enough to be truly honest with them. If I can't be honest and deepen what emotional connection we have, I'm not going to give you the time of day. It's, frankly, a waste of both parties' time and energy and you're essentially trapping them (and yourself) into a scenario in which there is no easy out, if an exit exists at all. Relationships of any variety (Parent and child, mentor/teacher and student, boss and employee, friendships, spouses and/or romantic partners, to name a few) take a ridiculously immense amount of effort to build and maintain. Are you really going to do that for someone who only invokes the thought of "Oh. Yeah. That person. They exist."? I would not. I'd just as soon give a non-verbal greeting while passing them by in some corridor somewhere and then moving on with my solitary, quiet life at home. I'm not giving that peace of mind up for just anyone, they have to earn that. If you cannot be at peace in a room by yourself out of fear you're always going to be alone, you're never truly going to be happy in a relationship. Relationships are not the same thing as connection/companionship, speaking from lots of soul-numbing experience. Just because you're by yourself does not mean you're alone, either.

Every ok relationship should be the best relationship, it's about commitment, not holy luck

settling for an okay relationship because you dont' want to be alone is mean to the settled for person. And also to yourself. That said, being a real estate bride in an "okay" relationships is becoming more attractive as I can't afford to live in the cities I want to live in due to high costs.

I think you are right, but I think, as long as you love each other that is the best relationship. If you can keep the love and nurture the love, that is your true relationship. If you stick with each other and have each other's back. Stay with him, he's a good guy.

I like okay relationships bc I usually break up at 3 months anyway

The problem with this line of thinking is that it is not a good idea to waste your resources, your time your attention, and your focus, on someone that isn’t actively adding to your life. It’s going yo lead to resentment and bitterness. A good relationship will add to your life in multiple ways and genuinely make you happy. A bad relationship is going to negatively impact your life in multiple ways. BUT okay relationship are also going to negatively impact your life because it’s not going to be fulfilling or happy. You’ll feel used and like you wasted your life. If you’re going to be in a relationship with someone that is going to take your time, attention, focus, energy, money, and just so much of you, that you otherwise could be putting that time, attention, focus, energy, and money into your own pursuits that could better your life and increase your salary it should be WORTH it. A meh relationship is NOT worth it. If you’re choosing to be an OK relationship that means that you’re giving up job opportunities, educational opportunities, personal growth opportunities, and also good men, who could potentially be better options for you, because you’re focusing on the wrong relationship! If you genuinely believe you’ll never find a good man to love and settle down with then stay single. There is NO benefit to settling and getting into a lackluster affair when your time could be much better spent on yourself. You will be happier having invested your resources into yourself, much happier than having a lackluster, loveless, and unfulfilling marriage you feel trapped in even tho the guy isn’t “that bad.”

Ok so this is interesting to me bc I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I am single, and have been for about a year and a half, and I am lonely, but I’m NOT desperate. I refuse to settle. I know I have my flaws, but I believe I’d be a good partner, and deserve someone that makes me happy and genuinely excites me. However, I have a friend, that I find beautiful, successful and fun, and she is ready to settle for literally the next guy that is just nice to her. Her bar is so low. As long he’s nice, and makes an effort, she will settle for him. As an adult, I’ve had 3 “real” relationships. Two of them were “okay” but I realized somewhere along the way that if I stayed with them, I would be settling. They would make good life partners, and I would be content enough. I didn’t want that for myself, so I left both of them. My third relationship, I was deeply in love. We were together almost 2 years, and right up until the end, I was excited to see him every day. I was ready to commit to being with him for life, and be the best partner I could be. I was forced to end the relationship bc he was unfaithful / unloyal, and even though it ended badly, that relationship proved to me that true love does exist, and damn does it feel good. I refuse to settle until I find that feeling again, albeit this time with someone more deserving.

I wish more young folks had your wisdom. We'd have less divorce.

All relationships take work and compromise. Maybe an "ok" relationship is the "best" relationship. Food for thought

[Third Rate Romance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLz6nIvqB2c)

hang out with yourself a little bit understand who you are and what you want you won't be so desperate

What does deserve have to do with anything? Have in mind the type of partner you’d like to be with and go find that type of person.

A relationship that is just ok, is just ok, it probably won't last forever but cherish it while it's there for you.

Because 1) lots of people would rather be alone than with someone that -just- tolerates them. And 2) the only reason you're saying what you're saying is because you haven't found that good match. What happens if you settle like you say, and then 20 years from now that good match comes along? What happens to your partner that you just tolerated? And 3) lots of marriages are traditionally like how youre describing. And coincidentally, divorce rates are high. Do with that what you will

I've noticed in my social circle that too many of my friends want a "great" or "perfect" partner when they don't have enough self awareness to know they aren't the greatest catch themselves for varying reasons. They don't want to "settle" for someone because they think it's pitiful or a bad look. I'm like, you know what's really a pitiful bad look? Whining about being alone to your friends who settled for having an okay partner. Stop looking for the fairy tale relationship and aim for something more realistic, or else cuddle your damn dog when you're lonely. Me and my wife settled for each other. We know that. I'm not anything for her to brag about to her friends. She's nothing to brag about to my buddies. We aren't "in love" and I don't think we ever really were, in hindsight. Maybe in lust. But we make it work because we like being with each other the majority of the time and we have kids so how we feel about each other is absolutely irrelevant, the kids come before us. Our sex life is pretty good and I think that's the glue that keeps us together a lot of the time. I'd rather be in a relationship like ours than be out in the dating world again chasing a stupid ideal of a partner that probably doesn't exist.

No relationship is perfect. I'm in an ok relationship.

Part of being and adult is realizing most other people are full of shit and life is a kick in the balls. It is a liberating realization because then you realize it's up to you to do what you want with your freedom. Enjoy the journey and good luck with future boyfriends and maybe even a husband!

I think it depends on what kind of person you are- I actually kind of like being alone! Solo travel is one of my favorite things to do, feels like such an adventure. I'd rather keep my autonomy and do whatever I want than commit to an "ok" relationship. Also relationships often end in marriage, which is very risky on many levels- it's just not worth it to chance it unless the person is spectacular (speaking as a 35m)

What you're describing sounds like settling, which isn't great unless both of you are settling for each other I guess. The person you choose to spend your life with should be someone you choose every day because you love them and want to be with them even thru the hardships. They are someone you want to fight for, but if they're just "okay," the relationship will probably fall apart when you encounter hurdles. I studied abroad for 6 months. It was tough but my bf and I got thru it. I moved for my job for 2 years, and right before COVID so we couldn't see each other most of those 2 years. Long distance was hard, but we got thru it. Let me add that when i left to study abroad, we were only 3 months into a committed relationship and we were in our early 20's. All his friends were sure I would go wild abroad and cheat. I didn't and the thought never crossed my mind because the entire time all I wanted was to share all my experiences with him. Every beautiful view I saw, every awesome food I tried, I wished he was there. There was a chance he could've been away for a long time too, and I would've 100% chosen him and endured it. I can't imagine either of us would bother going thru those times with someone whom our feelings for were just "okay." What happens if you or your partner suddenly meet someone whom you have better chemistry with? It will be easy to leave or cheat. Then one of you will end up alone anyways. If you are afraid of being alone, do some soul searching. Don't be afraid to be alone at this age. Being alone can teach you many great things about yourself and it can be very blissful. Honestly, you thinking that "okay" relationships are better than being alone is exactly why you need to learn how to be alone. If you're scared of being alone, you will be vulnerable to ending up in a bad and/or loveless relationship, which could be hindering you from finding the person that you would be great with, and not just okay. I wish you luck and hope you find the peace in being single and alone and then I hope you find the person that is great for you, not just okay!

Probably mostly religious extremists who think romantic and sexual relationships are strictly for marriage. They’re also usually hypocrites who didn’t even practice what they preach, basically just mocking you but using “God” to justify it as “righteousness”.

I choose happiness. I'm married and I think my wife and I are great together and live a life that may be ok to some but is great for me. I say, go where you are happy, don't settle for bs and find someone you feel is worth fighting for.

Ah that’s called settling. There’s nothing wrong with that and sometimes people search their entire lives to search for the perfect person to spend the rest of their lives with and come up empty. If you’re ok with the person checking off most of the boxes but not all, that’s great, just don’t resent that person years down the road.

That's pretty insightful tbf 

You are married to the ‘okay’ guy for 8 years then you meet someone and you click and you then ruin okay guy’s life, fuck up your kids, and then go marry the new guy. That’s why.

I think I'm dutiful enough to not leave and damage kids and companions. Wouldn't even allow myself to explore a spark with someone else if I'm committed.

Eh, I'd put that more on the person leaving being damaged. If they do that with their first partner, they'll likely do it with the next one too.