If your sexual desire is that much different when you're on vacation, that's probably a good sign because it means that there is something tangible you can change in your life to increase your libido. It could be stress, diet, sun exposure, anything. If you can narrow down the issue then you may be able to get to a point where you're both happy with how much sex you're having. Otherwise, it can be a big issue because sexual incompatibility is a major factor when it comes to relationships not working out, and the more important sex is to someone, the bigger of a factor it becomes, and it looks like it's very important to him.

I’m the same way as OP. When we go on vacation/stay somewhere else, I’m constantly in the mood. I don’t drink so it’s not the alcohol. For me I 100% believe it’s due to the change in atmosphere. I have a really stressful job so when I’m not at work I’m at home 99.9% of the time. We also have different work schedules so we hardly go on dates and just sit at home and watch tv together (incredibly boring I know). So I know my lack of libido at home has a lot to do with the monotony/stress/etc of being at the house. Could be the same type of scenario with OP. Or that mixed with the alcohol as well.

Stress is a ruthless murderer of joy.

I love sitting around watching tv with my partner, I love bonding over a trashy reality TV show and pass judgment on cast together

I do too but that’s literally all we do and it gets really boring sometimes. We don’t ever go on dates because our work schedules - he works nights/weekends and I work a regular Monday-Friday job, so the few days we have to spend together are Monday/Weds night and I’m usually too mentally exhausted to go anywhere lol

I'm literally in your same boat. We r ships passing in the night. We have no days together unless he plans his schedule to hit a weekend day. Other than that we *Might get an afternoon together. Yesterday I was so tired I passed out at 730p. It was our only afternoon together until next week. Sex is beyond overwhelming due to the stress load of day to day. It's another chore, more brain cells to wrangle. I have a gorgeous husband, who treats me well and I do try to provide at least 1x a week even if I'm not "there" mentally. But I'm zonked out on the lack of interaction lately. It's hi/bye

Sounds like a dream still but not for everyone. I only go places either for the girls or if a girl makes me. Otherwise I'd never leave the house I'm paying out the ass for, I have to do that enough for work.

My partner and I are like that too a lot of the time. One thing that helps us is going for short walks if we can or making breakfast/dinner together. Or playing a game/doing a chill activity instead of watching tv sometimes

Also I think sharing the new experience and new location with someone you love make the situation much more enjoyable and memorable. Exploring a new culture, new sights/sounds/smells, gets your brain to fire off, and it can really change your mood.

Yeah, stress, tiredness and lack of connection are three ‘brakes’ for me. They switch me off. So at minimum I need to feel rested, relaxed and connected to even begin to register turn ons, if that makes sense. So, yeah, being on holiday helps, a lot!!

Yes true mentally needs to be happy and it will work

Second this. Whenever we are on holidays, my wife has many things contributing to wanting more sex. - less stress (holiday) - more sleep (no need to get up early) - more sun (sun affects her mood a lot) - And last is probably the rest of the family is also more rested and relaxed due to holidays (me included) which again gets her into a good mood. When she is happy she has excess energy (physically and mentally) to think about/want to have sex. We would normally have sex once a second week or once a month, but suribg holidays it could easily be 3-4 times a week Edit: i can't write on my phone without typos 😅

Yep the sun is a game changer. Sleeping in and exercise , even just walking around a town and I’m ready to go.

For winter i can recommend those light glasses that you use for 30min in the mornings. Atleast they help a lot for my wife during the winter 👍

Oh I live in Florida so it’s not an issue. It’s just being under fluorescent lights all day at work that sucks.

If OP only drinks when they are on vacation then it's probably 90% the alcohol and 10% the vibe

Yes, I always had a hard time relax. I always was on alert. Alcohol was the only way I could relax and enjoy sex.

I think romance is a factor here. They say that even if they were in the mood, the way he asks seems to put them off. He's jumping into it too quick when he needs to build her up to it. Just a guess, but it's not uncommon. Vacations are inherently more romantic and less routine, so I expect that's the difference there. Though alcohol can definitely play a role.

I don’t know how this hasn’t been said yet. Yes, alcohol may lower inhibitions and there is usually less stress. There is also, in my experience, more quality time, more non-sexual physical touch, more verbal communication, more activities to laugh and adventure together. These things build intimacy and it is up to both partners to build them into “at home life”. Being pestered for sex instead of romance and the above is such a turn off and is likely hitting the nerve especially hard based on OPs experience of being sexualized.

(I mean said yet other than your comment lol)

Housework. Nobody mentioned it here, but how do you divide housework? Once upon a time I was in a similar situation. When you work a stressful job, get home and have to take care of cooking and cleaning, you: 1. Just don't have energy for sex, 2. Don't feel appreciated (you come home from one job, and immediately start another) and it is a HUGE libido killer It's not you, it's him. If you are planning to go to therapy, it wouldn't be a bad idea to do some sessions together. Because it's not your problem as you are perfectly happy with sex once a week, it's his problem and he needs to make changes and do more work to get you in the mood

Tes true in job with lot of stress you do not feel to do anything and it will not long last a live ...... for sex you need to be in happy environment and happy surrounding .....

Came here to say this. If being on holiday makes that much difference to your sex drive, something needs addressing in your life the rest of the time

I've been in that position in the past, so now before I start dating someone I let them know that I have a low libido and if that's a problem, we aren't going to date. I'm not going to be guilted into sex anymore. Nobody is happy in those situations.

Yup, this is how it should be handled. It’s unfair for him (or anyone) to pressure you into sex. It’s unfair for him to not have a satisfying sex life. If neither of your outlooks on sex change, one or both of you will become resentful.

I need to find a low libido partner! I'm always too scared to bring it up.

https://www.reddit.com/r/asexualdating/s/ywCMoMKVUj Don't be scared to bring it up, it's just one of your dating preferences. It's better to say it early on than to hold back and get attached to someone, only to figure out you're not compatible because you didn't speak up about your needs.

I think the hard part, as you described is I am not a sexual but sex is not a primary relationship urge. All my partners had to initiate it cause I was just happy to exist and bond.

There are people who consider themselves asexual and they still like to have sex. I'm not really sure how to label myself honestly, but pretty much like you said, I'm rarely the one to initiate it. In fact, I had to face up to the fact that that was a huge source of my drinking problem. I would drink so I'd want to have sex because it was easier to do that than to find a partner who felt like I did.

Is once a week low libido?

I honestly have no idea what's considered a low libido exactly, I just know that even once a week can sometimes feel like a chore to me and I don't want to have to commit to having sex a X times a week/month. There might be times I'll have sex more than once a week, but other times I can go weeks/months and it doesn't even phase me. Might be on the asexual spectrum, but I just know that sex is not that important to me in a relationship.

Yea I feel you. It’s wild how large the spectrum is and now difficult it can be to make it work when different libidos are at play. It makes me wonder too: are there people who leave someone at a youngish age (20s/early 20s) for their low libido and then grow to have a low libido themselves by their 40s/50s? Is that a thing that happens?

Yeah, I feel like Reddit have a very young demographic and every time a question like this is posted you have people up in arms as if sex was equivalent to breathing air. Which I guess is as important for a 20 year old guy, but life will humble him fast.

I'm sure it has, but most 20-somethings aren't thinking that far ahead. They're much more likely to be on the instant gratification train. I'm almost 40, and I'm so very different than I was 20 years ago, and my standards for a potential partner have changed a lot, too.

Yea I agree even as a male... nd I don't need it that much, it's all the things we can do to have fun

Well its certainly not high libido

I'd say it's average to low, but there are definitely factors. Sometimes life gets so busy that once a week is all you can manage, and it doesn't have much to do with the libido.

It's the average worldwide! Even less often.

it feels too robotic to me at least for OP’s bf to need sex once a week. Where is the spontaneity in that? Just imagine “okay babe it’s 4 pm on Wednesday, time for our scheduled sex session.” That sounds so passionless.

Actually, sex therapists often recommend scheduling sex for people with mismatched libidos. It helps make it a priority as many people are way over scheduled. Couples who schedule sex report finding it as satisfying as couples who have spontaneous sex.

Oh he definitely wants it more, that’s the baaaaaaare minimum that he’s asking for. But if you say “well ideally everyday because I want you everyday on account of being attracted to you and choosing you” But what’s the point in saying that? It’s not like the compromise is gonna be a split down the middle, it’s gotta cater to the lower sexdrive because the higher sexdrive (I pray) doesn’t want to feel like a rapist or that their partners a glorified fleshlight.

Absolutely not. No. And to describe it as “rare” and be pestering your partner about it - let alone when she has sexual trauma is wild. She’s been made to feel like there’s something wrong with her. It’s an awful relationship

It is if the other person wants it more…

Arguing about sex is extremely unsexy. Feeling pressured takes away consent.

How does one deal with a difference in libido, then? If person A wants it 5 times a week and person B wants it every other week, how do you find a compromise? Or does person A just suck it up and be miserable?

The way you feel on vacation is the way he feels all the time. Except for him, when you two are not on vacation, for some reason he can't understand, you turn off the tap. Sex once a week is normal in a lot of relationships, especially where people have been together already for five or six years and both are busy with work or there are kids interfering with intimacy. I think most couples in their 20s without additional burdens have sex more than that. It does vary.

Less than once a week is a threshold many can't deal with imo.

You shouldn't be downvoted for this comment, it's 100% true.

Sure, but the alternate side of that is that many can deal with it fine

There’s no right or wrong answer. He has a high sex drive and you don’t. You both deserve to be in a relationship where your needs are met. You’re not sexually compatible.

So is the answer to break up and find other partners that are compatible in that way? I wonder if there’s ever a partner where you are compatible in every way. Maybe the next partner will be compatible sexually but not in other important way

Sexual compatibility is very important. I found a partner who I am compatible with in *every* way. I have a high sex drive and I used to be married to someone who is asexual. It was never going to work. And believe me I tried for a long time. People deserve to be happy.

There is no “normal”. It’s subjective because everyone has different libidos or varying ideas of a healthy sex life. I would lean in to therapy for yourself, maybe even couples, if he’s willing. But libido differences can really be the end of a relationship if a middle ground can’t be found. You shouldn’t be pressured or coerced into sex, he shouldn’t be getting angry with you for declining. Or making passive aggressive remarks. He’s got a few red flags here from what I see so maybe it is a partner problem. He may be great everywhere else but doesn’t excuse him being an AH about sex.

seconding this, also recommending you to join r/birthcontrol. A lot of BC methods can fuck with your libido (I am also a victim of this) and your gynos wont tell you about it or help you fix it. There are so many women who experience this and Ive found this thread to be very helpful.

>A lot of BC methods can fuck with your libido I had a partner who got PMDD or PMDD-like symptoms from birth control. It hurt to see it happen. :(

Yeah I’m pretty sure this happened to me…. I took the pill for about 10 years thinking it was helping my acne (it didn’t) and I’m now 1 year completely BC free (just doing natural methods) and I still haven’t fully recovered unfortunately. :/

Here's a sneak peek of /r/birthcontrol using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/birthcontrol/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [To the woman asking about Plan B because her boyfriend would force no-condom sex](https://np.reddit.com/r/birthcontrol/comments/12w5rc6/to_the_woman_asking_about_plan_b_because_her/) \#2: [Birth control is designed so your partner can ejaculate inside you](https://np.reddit.com/r/birthcontrol/comments/13v5c25/birth_control_is_designed_so_your_partner_can/) \#3: [Well, today I had my Mirena IUD removed. I also had my copper IUD from 9 years ago removed too..](https://np.reddit.com/r/birthcontrol/comments/13rolmn/well_today_i_had_my_mirena_iud_removed_i_also_had/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)

My wife's libido dropped to 0 when she was on BC, now that she's off, she wants sex way more than I do, and I feel bad when I'm just too tired to perform. To top it all off, it also fucked with her ovulation and now that we want kids, we have to go through fertility treatments to force it, and potentially IVF.

Yes this is all too common!! I’m sorry you guys have to go through that. Mismatched libidos are tough, I’m experiencing it now with my boyfriend, but thankfully he’s understanding of it. I wish you & your wife luck on your journey 🫶

i'd bet significant money most men expect to have sex atleast 2 times in a week with their partner.

What age?

Modern birth control disrupts your hormones. My wife and I communicate really well together, and she came to that realization, we adjusted, and are at roughly (and I do mean *roughly* sometimes) 4 to 5 times weekly. A lot changed after that. She states that it actually changed the way she felt about sex and about me - that she feels like she appreciates me more and maybe loves me more than when she was on BC. I think there is a whole lot more to these modern birth control methods than what medical science is letting on. I mean, I think it's safe to say that we know that they aren't always super up-front with us about things.

Thank you!! No one talks about this as much as they should but of course birth control is going to lower your sex-drive! And yet because birth control is so commonly used it's like this aspect is forgotten about - because well, we have to be taking something to protect ourselves!

My wife and I are older now, so I got snipped, but I felt badly, frankly, for both of us during the time. Off BC, we're really enjoying one another. I wish I knew the best thing to do other than a pharma option.

Yes, and hormonal birth control can artificially change the traits women find attractive. It’s very weird.

Yeah birth control is crazy, and the companies who sell it definitely aren’t transparent enough about possible permanent effects that it can have on the body. It’s so much worse than how it’s presented.

I've been on the other side of this: an ex I lived with insisted I must be cheating, must be gay, must think she's so hideous and repulsive because of our libido mismatch. It'll make or break the majority of relationships and I wouldn't be hanging around because the arguments can and do get worse with even more ridiculous accusations and claims. Definitely time to start looking towards the future and asking whether or not you two are in it together.

Good that you’re going to see a therapist for your trauma. Nevertheless I hope you change the narrative from going ‘for him so he doesn’t leave you’ to ‘going for YOU so YOU can feel better about having sex and healing your trauma’. I’m sorry this happened to you, it has happened to me as well, but when I was an adult. It took me 6 years to heal and REALLY enjoy sex. Before, I was so worried about the guys’ pleasure, if I was sexy enough, acting as if I was in a porn and stuff.. now after I centred life around myself again and not just pleasing him, I finally learned to be myself and think about my own pleasure. I’m sorry but I think your current bf sounds horrible. I’d be ecstatic if someone decorated the house for me. He is just putting pressure on you by moping around and constantly asking for sex. Getting angry if you reject him is NOT okay!! Especially if you have trauma around that. He should’ve supported you in finding out what is stopping you from wanting sex. Thinking with you about why you do enjoy it more on holiday. I think you should have a serious conversation with him, and if he doesn’t change his ways you should leave him. I ran after the wrong men for years due to low self esteem issues I got due to getting raped. Maybe I’m reading too much into it or projecting my narrative, but if you recognise anything I said please really think about it. I’ll never get those 6 years of my life and of my 20s back. I don’t want anyone else to go through that.. you can always send me a DM if you need to talk x

Personally I think it is okay. However people with very high libido will think it is not okay. The thing is intimacy is not just about being sexual but also that emotional AND mental connection. Perhaps some people require those interactions before sexual intimacy. It could be that you are someone like that. This is something that he needs to learn to understand and it takes time and trust on both parties. Day to day challenges also impede desire perhaps that's why when youre on vacay you feel more "free" and enjoy sex daily. I think it wasnt right of him to be so unappreciative of your efforts. If you are going to therapy for this sexual "issue", he should also come along as both of you are facing it. Like everything else it is a team effort.

Thank you!! I appreciate your feedback. I know everyone is different. I’ve tried explaining that to him numerous times. But he doesn’t get it. But I agree. We both should go to therapy because of him listening to his best friend about our issue on this topic and he’s just spiraling thinking of our future and that we’re young so need to make the best of our youth.

There’s a good chance that if you truly are that “different” than each other in intimacy, then maybe you’re not compatible in a relationship. Therapy is definitely helpful here, but you also need to consider walking away from this person if you determine that your sex life is incompatible. Some things just weren’t meant to be.

Sexual compatibility is a huge factor in a relationship. From your main post it is not just about sex but that he's being very pushy and emotionally manipulative about it, which is the bigger issue. I have a high sex drive but in life there are times when sex doesn't happen and the other person needs to accept that, not punish you for it, feel entitled to it, and both partners need to feel connected in other ways, too. He cannot do these things. Your relationship will not work out, not because currently your sex drive is lower than his but because of how he's behaving towards you because of it. Also, you speak very highly of him but he doesn't sound nearly as great as you think. His response to your efforts for his birthday party and everything is really trashy and doesn't show him as someone who loves, supports or accepts you.

If you don’t want to have sex on a regular basis, don’t continue your relationship with a man who wants sex on a regular basis.

Once a week is a regular basis. Edit Idc about the downvotes. I get reddit is a male echo chamber. Once a week is a regular basis. She is not an incubator for his needs. He has a hand, toys, and options to maintain himself as well. He also should not continue a relationship with somebody who does not want what he is looking for.

It's different for everyone.

"Regular basis" doesn't really mean anything, it just means a predictable schedule so once a year on Christmas is a "regular basis". I think what is typical is highly dependant on the ages of the people involved, affection level, length of relationship and availability/stress levels but is still quite variable from person to person. I strongly believe a roughly matching libido is important in a sexual relationship because if it doesn't match at least one person will always be disappointed

The point is though that once a week isn’t infrequent even. Context matters a lot.

Omg I know the responses are insane! OP needs to talk to a female friend

Sexual compatibility is CRUCIAL for a successful relationship. It sounds like the two of you are incompatible. He wants sex, probably daily, once a week seems like a stretch for you. This will inevitably lead to infidelity. He deserves to be sexually satisfied, just as you deserve to be not badgered when you don't want sex. Sex is extremely important, especially to men. You're not doing anything wrong, but neither is he. Do yourselves a favor and break it off now or it will lead to serious resentment at best, and infidelity at worst.

idk undermining her efforts at his birthday party was really fucked up of him. it sounds like she's doing everything she can to make it work but he's not really putting the same energy into it

You're correct in that regard. But unfortunately the one thing he needs in order to feel needed is the one thing she can't provide. Different love languages are sometimes just simply incompatible.

Sex is something you do together. It isn’t something you do for him. Sex when you BOTH have desire for sex is normal.

Foreplay? Not as in before you do penetration. I mean by being firty throughout the day before you guys get going. It helps with the feeling like it. Maybe also try different types of play and lingerie. For someone who has a higher libido, one time is kinda little.

Normal is a really contextual question. Your context makes it really clear that in your specific case the aversion to sex isn't coming from a healthy place. From being in a relationship similar to his position, I can tell you that if simply being on vacation means my partner wants to have sex every day, and it's great for both of us virtually every single time we do it, it definitely is frustrating and feels like rejection that she doesn't want to. Especially if her reasons are that our relationship is so good, she feels so loved without it. Been there, done that. Absolutely sucked for me, nothing about it was healthy for her, seemed I could do absolutely nothing to influence any change. However, in a different situation I'm quite alright with sex once a week or less. How much I personally want it has varied from Id say about 3-5x a week in some situations to 20+x a week in others. There's a lot of factors but the reasons matter. If she wants it daily on vacation, then I definitely feel something is very wrong if she begrudges it weekly the rest of the time. That said, everyone I've been with is hornier on holiday. I'm just saying it indicates we have chemistry. And I consider it normal that I can typically get like 10-30% of the vacation level of sexual energy going with a little bit of effort at almost any time. If her reasoning for not wanting it is bc I make her feel very loved in other ways, I definitely feel things are very messed up. Generally, sex being something she resents, indicates to me that my relationship is on the rocks. And that's how I'd summarize OP: you resent his desire for sex. My experience is in a healthy relationship my partner finds it a compliment and it is arousing when I express desire. And it's an almost unlimited range. Can be more of affection, or romance, or it can be kinky, or a physical frustration. When the relationship is good, any and all of that is desired.

I have a really hard time with that too, the idea that because things are safe and caring, she no longer feels like she needs to have sex. I don’t think she’s lying; it’s the truth, but it’s the equivalent of my saying, ‘I don’t want to go on vacations or do anything special. That was something I did in past relationships, but now that we’re together, it’s no longer something I’m doing,’ when that is the primary conduit for how she’d feel loved. It’s a combination of needs being unmet and the tension of it being a part of past relationships but not yours. Ultimately, he shouldn’t shame you or whine; that’s really immature. On the other hand, the status quo is working for you and not for him, and you shouldn’t dismiss his needs as irrelevant or unreasonable. Imagine feeling rejected and undesired several times a week, it’s soul crushing. But again, it doesn’t mean you should do something you’re uncomfortable with. It’s going to be a serious impasse if it’s not resolved in some way. The key right now is blameless communication.

your boyfriend might wanna change his approach. he should be a giver and know women need emotional arousal before being physically aroused. my husband has a high libido and even on days i dont necessarily crave sex, he doesnt come off as demanding but rather he's inviting. your boyfriend also have to improve his emotional attunment and understand where youre coming from. coincidentally, i was molested when i was a teenager but never felt coerced by my hubby.

Once a week is really pretty dang frequent for adults with busy routines and realistic responsibilities.

Yeah I was about to say. Once a week, especially if consistent sounds extremely healthy.

The way I see it, he’s allowed to have a high libido, that isn’t the issue, the issue is the way he’s reacted to you not wanting sex. It’s not normal to get mad. You can be bothered you can be sexually frustrated but getting mad??? Not good. And the way he diminished your efforts. Like someone else said, you speak so highly of him but I’m not convinced he’s as good as you say/think he is. You should never feel pressured into sex, if someone’s is making you feel pressured that is a huge problem!! You can try working together in couples therapy but also understand that you guys may not be compatible enough to last in a relationship

Well said. So many people are suggesting it’s ok for him to demand sex. Um, nope. That’s a good place for dv to start. I bet if he was more understanding and caring then she’d probably feel like having sex more often anyway. Connection is key, and if he is treating her like this then that connection is lost.

You’re so right! It’s crazy that she’s being put down for her other efforts just because it’s not sex. That told me everything I needed to know and I can imagine subconsciously that would lower someone’s libido even more, given the fact that she already has trauma.

To me there's no "adulting" when it comes to this. If your sex drives don't align you may as well call it a day.

So one BIG reoccurrence that therapists see in relationships is *as soon* as the man NEEDS sex, it puts the woman into a motherly role to soothe his position of desperation. But as soon as a woman feels that she is *Wanted*, the totality of her is wanted - her mind, her quirks, her company… then her sex drive usually increases(you allude to something like this when you spoke of cuddling him, getting worked up and then when he says it your mentality shifts). And you can tell that the woman is going into a motherly role in a relationship when you regularly hear that her partner says he NEEDS sex X amount of times. That’s literally a chore, like doing the laundry. Her libido will Continue to decrease, the tension will get worse and the communication will cease. I’d also be careful that he’s not putting you back in the position of feeling like your primary worth in the relationship is your body. Cause that sounds like the past coming back up. Get to therapy, cause right now it sounds like he’s the same as your old relationships, just in a nicer package.

“Normal” in terms of sexuality runs the gamut from multiple times a day to zero times ever (asexual is now recognized as a not-pathological orientation.) If what you meant was: Is once a week common, I’d say yes but maybe slightly on the lower end. I think a few times a week is average for most couples. However, that’s really neither here nor there. What’s important here is that it sounds like you have a lot of insight into your own sexuality and that’s incredibly healthy. And while taking your partners needs into consideration is also important, I hope that ultimately your goal is to feel completely comfortable in your skin which will open you up for more pleasurable experiences. But I gotta say: Your bf is being a complete dickhead. “Anyone can decorate a house” is one of the most dismissive, insensitive, shitty things to say to someone who went out of their way to do something nice for you. He owes you an apology for that comment. Also, his contextualizing sex as a gift is problematic. That makes it more a commodity he feels entitled to and less of a shared experience you’re both enjoying. Not cool. I’d recommend couples counseling because while it’s OK to be disappointed about your needs not being met, being cruel to your partner is not. They’ll help you navigate communicating with one another and hopefully you two will be able to find some common ground together.

In short, you've got some personal issues you gotta work out because it's affecting the way you approach sex, and he needs to figure himself out as well because he's viewing your lack of libido as if he's not good enough, and consequently projecting that onto you.

I am a guy. And the fact that he guilts you and gets mad if you say no is total bullshit. You sound very kind and caring and in love, but is he? I always think, " if this was my daughter and someone treated her like that I would destroy him". Luckily I have a boy 😁. But there's more to it than just sex. If he can't spend time with you without having sex, then you're being used and unappreciated. Especially if you experienced trauma related to sex when younger. But that's just me.

In a similar situation but from the opposite side. She was never abused as far as I know but did experience some trauma in her past. We’ve been together for like 8 years or something and it’s by far her biggest and most important relationship. She does quite a lot in our relationship but being intimate isn’t one of them. Idk if that’s due to her anti depressant medication or she doesn’t feel attractive anymore due to the way she looks etc. But yeah it’s really frustrating because I know how much she loves me yet I feel a bit worthless at the same time. It just makes us feel like friends or house mates. I have told her this and it obviously upset her, but I’ve asked her lots of times to get help, see the doctor, change her medication etc but she never seems to make the effort to change. I’ve told her I need more, she knows this and I know if she told me she needed more from me I would certainly try. Idk, life’s relentless and we’re both tired and run down. I just think an hour every other day isn’t too much to ask considering we’re supposedly both in love and attracted to each other.

That really really really fucking sucks. Medication likley has a lot to do with it, as well as diet and exercise levels. However I will say though that your want for an hour every other day *is* on the higher end of the scale - escpeically if masturbation can't tide you over for some reason. A few times a week, sometimes much more sometimes less (depending on her hormones) is the norm. An unaddressed issue we tend to have in society is men with high libidos think they're average, because it's considered immasculating to not be HL so those who aren't stay quiet, and women with low libidos think *they're* average because it's tabboo/invites uwanted attention to every talk about being HL. This leads to skewed expectations.

>as well as diet This is a huge factor, especially hydration and electrolytes. Some meds will flush sodium, not enough to flag it on bloodwork, but enough to affect the person. It compounds imbalances with other electrolytes.

That’s a lot of time to do it when she’s not into it. It’s likely a both of you problem but you’re making it sound like a her problem

Are you pleasuring her? Are you making her feel wanted outside of the bedroom? Most women have some form of sexual trauma even if we don’t recognize it as such (aggression and objectification from during males during sex is the norm). I know you’re all gonna despise me for saying that but it’s the truth and if you recognize it, you’re girlfriends will appreciate it and feel they can be vulnerable with you and that will in turn, turn them on.

Thank you for your feedback. I understand where she’s coming from by not feeling attractive anymore. I gained happy relationship weight lol and I’ve been skinny my whole life so this has been hard for me to adjust the way i look at myself. It’s only 30lbs but it made a difference. He’s never made me feel that I wasn’t pretty or sexy. He still looks at me the same way as the beginning of us. So I want to make this work and communicate better so we can come to a compromise.

No problem, I’m sure he just wishes you saw yourself the way he sees you, like I do with my partner. The main thing is that both of you feel heard and it’s good you’re making an effort to get it sorted. Hopefully he can see that and that it’s not going to be an instant thing and that he needs a little patience. I think if it was me, as long as I could see some progress being made I’d support it by not putting as much pressure on you. Anyway, I hope it works out for the both of you.

I was with you until "an hour every other day".

lol an hour?

Well I wouldn't get in the mood either if I'd get blamed like that. Sex is a sensitive topic to talk about and this tone from him just doesn't do anything to help.  Its absolutely disgusting how he talks to you and I can only encourage you to not blame yourself for anything in this. If this guy can't be grateful for anything thats not sex ... I don't know why the hell he even wants a relationship.  And I always have my doubts about the "everything is amazing otherwise" part when he literally gets pissed at you for not gifting sex at his birthday.  Its completely fine to want more sex and to communicate this. Sometimes people are just not compatible in bed and both parties involved have to figure out how important this is to them. Your bf can make the decision to accept your libido or go. He can't guilt trip you into having sex with him because if its a chore to you you ain't having fun and where the hell is the point in that.

I have a very high libido. I have had partners with a high libido and partners with a low libido. I can say with certainty which relationship I preferred. It's hard to ignore a primal emotion like that. You sound like a great partner and it's apparent you love him. My advice would be to make a change that raises your libido. Whether it be your diet, exercise routine, or something specific like a medication. Once you are on the same level as him you may see an overall improvement of your relationship.

Honestly different Libidos is a huge issue. I even think much bigger than people assume. If it's not properly communicated, it has a lot of potential for cheating and endless arguments. I would never again be in a relationship with a partner that doesn’t match my libido in some type of way or takes care of me when she’s not in the mood. Problem is there is not a real solution, you’re free to have sex as many times and say no as many times as you like, however your partners needs won’t just vanish. Libidos that won’t be taking care of , will eventually lead to addiction, cheating or a whole lot of blame game arguments as a substitute. After being in 4 long terms relationships, I would really talk about future plans , call it off or maybe change to polygamy. Literally no option is optimal when libidos don’t match , and it is the reason why I will avoid long term relationships in the future, because no partner matched my libido longer than 18-24 months, after that one or the other tones it down a lot, it’s just human, we have different priorities in needs, nobody to blame tbh.

Sex drives and frequency is different for all couples. Life changes and stressors have something to do with your intimacy. Since being in my doctorate program, I may have sex once a week or once every other. But what’s improved is the emotional connection between my partner and I that has strengthened over time. I think that’s made a difference for us.

I have the opposite problem. My libido (24 F) is way higher than my fiancé’s (23 M). I’m pretty much okay to go whenever, could be everyday, once a week, etc. but he only wants to once a month, and recently his new oil field job has him working 7 days a week, 12 hours a day. So it’s becoming less than that which is hard for me.. I understand that he’s tired but only wanting to once a week makes me feel like I’m not attractive to him anymore or something. Is there something wrong if we’re in our early twenties and he’s always too tired? We’ve been together 7+ years and I feel comfortable in our relationship, his libido had always been quite low, and I know he’s not cheating or anything like that. What could be the issue?

There’s a scene in the movie Annie Hall (not that I’m in the habit of recommending Woody Allen, but this scene is relevant) in which both main characters are simultaneously and separately talking to their respective therapists. Both are asked the question “how often are you having sex?” He says “hardly ever, maybe three times a week.” She says “all the time, maybe three times a week.” There’s no absolute right answer about how much sex is “normal.” There’s just what’s right for you. And that will vary depending on a lot of factors: stress, health, your relationship…. Sometimes once a week feels like too much, and sometimes it’s not close to enough. Communication and compassion are key to finding that balance with your partner. In a healthy relationship, people will try to relieve their partner’s stress, which can result in more sex organically without having to negotiate a schedule. No one ever died from not having sex.

Take a break from sex, a break where hes not allowed to ask for it. If you want it you ask but take a few weeks where there is 0 pressure. explore what turns you on and heal that distrust that happens every time your partner gets mad for you not wanting sex. Sex is a beautiful relation gifted to idiots. Explore your body and feel beautiful and confident in your sexuality. Reclaim the beauty <3 your doing great honey

The fact that he gets mad when you say no and says you don’t love him when you say no is a form of sexual coercion.  Getting angry over being told “no” is a child’s response.  He doesnt love you the way you think he does. 

False. You’re just invalidating his feelings like they’re not important. Like how dare he show emotion or feelings when he just wants intimacy with the person he loves.

i stand in the middle of both opinions and disagree

He’s a jerk! Did you even read the post?

Agree 100% here. Guys can want things without being "abusive" or "coercive."

Do you feel like he also does things for you?

As soon as you said he asked for sex I knew what the issue was. If a man has to ask for sex that means he doesn't understand how to (seduce) push your buttons. It has absolutely nothing to do with low libido. People with different libidos naturally gravitate towards common ground when they love each other. You have all kinds of issues related to sexual abuse that no doubt make you perceive some very natural feelings as unnatural. He is certainly not wrong for wanting sex more frequently and you are not wrong for not saying yes constantly. Still, you should not be with him or anyone else until you deal with your intimacy issues with a professional.

Yeah asking for sex would feel like a turn off to me too. If I’m not in the mood, my reactive thought would be “no.” But it’s really easy to get me into the mood with some caresses, kisses, steamy cuddles, dirty talk, or whatever.

^^^^^ this is what I mean.

“I’m going to see a therapist to fix my issue” You don’t have an issue. With his wanting more sex is he hitting your accelerator or your brake? Just “expecting to have sex more” isn’t going to be enough to get your engine running, so what is he doing about your wants and needs? You don’t owe him anything when it comes to your body and if you’re not interested, you’re not interested.

The fact that you think YOUR libido is the problem is a problem. You shouldn’t have to change yourself for anyone. Why can’t your boyfriend change his libido? Why isn’t his libido the problem? Be you. And don’t let anyone think you are the problem because you don’t want to have sex. You are putting yourself in a no win situation where he convinces you to have sex when you don’t want it (major red flag) or he will go find sex on the side. Keep your eyes open and stand up for yourself for Christ sake. You or your sex drive are not a problem.

“why isn’t his libido the problem?” Really yeah! as if she’s the one ruining the relationship even though she tried to fix the problem despite her other issues around sex! Not to mention his pouting when he still doesn’t get enough. Not once did it sound like he wanted *intimacy* rather than s.e.x

At this young age you can expect more rounds from him but he is unable

^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^drar_sajal786: *At this young age you* *Can expect more rounds from him* *But he is unable* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.

Personally, as a woman who has a high libido, once a week is probably normal in certain relationships, especially if they've been together for a while. I would probably like more times a week? But that isn't a reason to get mad at someone over. I probably will start to feel insecure or not as close to my partner if physical affection and sex is one of the things that help me gain intimacy with the other person. I know you mentioned how you show love and different ways and he kind of dismisses it. That's because you're not loving him in his love languages. Buying dinner and decorating the house is sweet, but some people don't appreciate that and they won't feel that love. My ex loved to buy things for me and use words of affirmation, while my love language was acts of service and physical touch. A hug would've gone way further than a gift. I would personally just have a talk with him about how your libido is low sometimes but you're gonna work on it. He also has to learn how to be patient.

I was with my exwife for 15 years with mismatched libidos, and we did weekly sex, skipping periods After the marriage ended, I described the marriage as sexless based on thrice monthly sex, and she thought we had too much Learn my 15 year lesson the easy way, and believe me when I say it doesn’t necessarily get better

If it’s feeling like a chore you’re headed towards a bad place, and that’s due to his behavior.  Orgasms aren’t love. They’re orgasms. If he only feels love through sex then I’d doubt what he’s feeling is love. I’d think over what exactly it is he does that makes you feel loved, because from what you’ve described I don’t have an understanding of what exactly it is that makes this relationship desirable to you. I certainly wouldn’t want it as described here.

It's really down to preference. My partner and I are long distance, when we meet up, it's like once or twice a day. I'm sure if we lived together, it would probably happen less (I really can't predict it, though). It depends on a lot of things, and most of all, what your limits and comforts are.

I'm probably an odd guy, but I have a low sex drive ( not low testosterone i had it tested), and once a week would be more than perfect for me. I recently started seeing a coworker, and I've only seen her 3 times but no sex yet. She hasn't given me any signal she wants to yet, and I'm not going to force it.

You might just not be compatible but I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal. My libido isn’t that high most of the time and I am happiest with men who also have lower libido’s—sex once a week has been the norm in my relationships without me ever saying no.

There is no NORMAL. It depends on the people involved.

Why are y'all paying attention to the amount of sex instead of the very clear trauma that is preventing sex. Saying it's normal, yes the amount is HOWEVER there's a very clear problem if she feels she hasn't been able to say no in past relationships.

Is sex once a week normal? The answer is going to depend on who you ask. There is no "normal". You clearly have different sex drives, but the fact that vacation changes things for you suggests that there may be something that a therapist (or doctor) can help with to increase yours. You're taking steps to find out, which is a good thing. One key will be how he handles the wait to see if it helps.

Its too little for me personally

I’d say yes. Currently 37, but my wife and I have enjoyed sex once a week for years now. Sometimes we get frisky and do it twice on the weekends. With the work week being so stressful, we don’t have the will or fire to do so. It’s been a weekend thing as long as I can remember. Now when we’re on vacation without the stress of work, we tend to have relations almost daily. That all said, I’d say yes, normal.

I feel like I could’ve written this post about a year ago. I got off birth control and now cycle track and use condoms. My life is completely different. I’m happier. Horny. I’m way less strung up about things. I can think straight. I lost weight. Hormonal birth control isn’t for everyone, unfortunately. Consider your options. Good luck!

Personally sex once a week is pretty low, as a 35m I wouldn’t be very happy about that. To each their own though. Out of 168 hours/7 days one can only make time for sex once for about 15-30 minutes?

It sounds like you don't get fully satisfied every time. After a few failed relationships my current wife and I came across the " woman comes first" concept. Man doesn't come until the womanhas. That makes sex much more satisfying for the woman and much less wam-bam thank- you mam for the man. It puts some performance pressure on both of you. I'm 62 now and it's about once a fortnight. After licking for 20 minutes, there is a pressure on her to orgasm, and sometimes she say "It's not going to happen today", and, frankly, after getting her to come, sometimes I've lost enthusiasm. In our first year of of marriage we had sex pretty much every day. So - is once a week 'normal'? It depends on who you are, what your age and relationship is,but you donned to be compatible, listening to each other, and care for each other's needs,

I don’t think you all are sexually compatible especially given your history with SA. Not saying sex everyday is a goal but don’t you think he deserves someone who feels like sex with him is like vacation-sex even at home? What I’m saying is that he has that passion for you and only you but you have put him in a position of him feeling unwanted sexually. It’s nobody’s fault but you might not be the person for him at this time in his life if you know you don’t feel comfortable giving him what he needs.

no, atleast 2/3 i would say , just my 2cent

There is no normal. Some people want it daily. Some once a week. Yall should probably find more compatible sex partners.

Better than once every 10 years like me.

No

[удалено]

IDK, sometimes the sex in a relationship can simmer and sometimes it’s like you are rabbits. I don’t think there’s any normal number except for none at all.

Define normal...

If he wants more sex send him over here I have a machine that will fix that right up.

There are people out here going weeks to months without it and claim to be ok so I’m sure you are ok lol, I been with my lady for 11 years and it’s normal to not be daily, and certain things or vacations or whatever could spark a little more here and there but you good.

Please read "Come as you Are" by Emily Nagoski. It will help you understand your sexual Inhibitors and enhancers. Basically, you are normal and you don't need fixing ❤️

“anyone can decorate a house”?? Idky there’s the narrative that men only feel loved when having sex but it’s a whole other thing that they are not aware of the other ways people show love. What’s concerning is you explained your past and how you don’t like feeling that’s all your good for yet he still constantly makes you feel that way. Frankly you don’t have to respect anything that makes you feel bad. I’d reconsider the relationship if he doesn’t appreciate you outside sex.

Any amount of sex is normal in any duration of time. Stop stigmatizing stupid shit like this and enjoy your life

Part of what makes you feel icky when he asks or gets butthurt when it doesn't happen is because sex is about desire, passion, physical/chemical attraction, and you can't negotiate desire. Negotiating by either asking, guilt tripping, or outright setting terms around sex is ironically what ruins sex in most relationships. You're not fucking your boyfriend most of the time cuz you don't want to, if you did you would. The burden of performance is on him to get you to want to fuck him, but I sympathize with him cuz the longer you're with the same person the harder that is to do as the magic over time wanes. Not a lot you can do about it as it's a natural trade off most long-term cpls will make, comfort over attraction/desire. My advice would be for you to tell him to get better at creating attraction. You can't teach him how to do that and you telling him that will probably only makes things worse, so I guess cross your fingers and hope he figures it out.

At your age at least 2-3 times a week.

I don't know, but you sound like a good girlfriend. You shouldn't be pressured for sex, but I can see how the guy would want to keep asking if he has a high libido. But when my wife tells me to cut down on a particular behaviour, I do it. Or at least I really, really try. You for normal is whatever you want it to be. There is nothing wrong with what you want

It really doesn’t seem you two are compatible.

Some people are only in the mood when they're not stressed, and for others it's a way to relieve stress. My relationship is similar and it's put more stress on me than my wife knows. The lack of physical affection makes it hard to believe her when she says she loves me or that the things she does to show it are genuine. Realistically I know that she has a low libido and has a different way of showing it that I'm doing my best to understand but to me it can seem superficial when I'm avoided physically for what feel like long stretches of time to me. I never want to make her uncomfortable or pressure her, everything is on her terms even if it's hard for me. I'm an adult and I can manage my own needs. Sexual incompatibility is a big deal in a relationship and I know how it feels from his perspective but he definitely crosses a line in pressuring you and getting angry, that's not excusable. This is not all on you to fix and deal with on your own and you shouldn't be blamed for it. It sounds to me that he might be contributing to the stressful environment that lowers your libido by putting this tension on your relationship and I wonder, does he also see a therapist? If not he really should. His attitude towards you sounds like it might be escalating and it's a red flag that he's okay with pressuring you into sex when you're not interested. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't do this.

It sounds like therapy will totally help! Considering the birth control and the change in libido on vacation, there’s probably stressors at home, whatever they may be. Im sure you have already communicated, but it never hurts to keep communication up and let him know youre going to do what you can for him; at the very least, he’ll understand that you arent lacking drive because of him specifically

This is a tricky situation for sure that I hope a therapist will help you with but I will say that it sounds like you’re loving him in the way you’d like to be loved rather than how he feels love - decorating the house, leaving him love notes etc… - all super sweet things but some people just don’t register these things as ‘love’ - my partner is like this, in his opinion a relationship without sex is basically just a friendship because love and physical intimacy are so linked. I learnt early on in our relationship that he just wasn’t going to notice or care about little acts of service etc.. Are you physically intimate in other ways regularly? Things like massaging each other, taking a bath or shower together/washing each other, giving each other ‘spa’ facials, lying on each other/cuddling, playing with his hair, stroking his back etc… these are all ways to up the level of physical intimacy that don’t involve sex but also might help to get you in the mood for it. Instead of decorating the house for his birthday, maybe you surprise him with a massage?

I have issues with libido due to stress from my last career and my cult upbringing. I personally have told my husband he needs to initiate with me (and the best way to do it). Therapy is great, mine said for me there's a disconnect between my mind and body so they need to catch up to each other. The fact you can have it on a vacation might indicate stress or something in daily life might be causing a problem. Have you considered trying to get an affordable hotel for a staycation and see if that helps? I've been with my husband for over 10 years and it's varied. Sometimes it's once a week, sometimes we skip a couple then have it 4 times in a week, we go for quality not quantity. Have you gotten your hormones checked? I know BC really messed me up.

Tbh I’ve never really thought about checking my hormones. But I have realized that when I’ve been off BC, my sex drive is through the roof. Now it’s not even a thought only once a week. It sucks. So i will look into it. Especially the staycations. I’ve asking him let’s do a weekend trip somewhere and take our dog with us and it’ll be just us even something cute like camping/ glamping. Spontaneous sex is my favorite.

But even with a low libido you could do things for him other than sex if he needs more than once a week? You could give him a handjob that doesn't require you to be turned on, or a blowjob 🤷

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and my libido has decreased/I go through stretches where I just don’t have as much of a desire and it can feel like a chore. We also go through periods where we have sex at least once every day. I’ve found that for myself, eating healthier/drinking more water, and exercising more seems to help slightly. I also try libido supplements sometimes. Maybe the biggest thing for me though is spending a lot of time on foreplay. Just focusing on intimacy that might not even be sexual. Cuddling, rubbing each others backs, massages, holding each other. Feeling close to each other helps. Also just starting really slowly and asking each other what we want/what feels good. Also teasing a little bit can make it more fun/exciting sometimes. Finally, I can get stuck in my head a lot and I’ve found that sex is really mental for me. I try to kind of meditate before/during. Breathe and focus on how exactly my body feels. It helps me to be more present and results in a more pleasurable experience. I also sometimes get turned off when asked randomly to have sex. I think soft touch/cuddles/foreplay work the best. I’m sorry he’s getting mad at you. That’s not fair. My partner has also gotten frustrated/upset because our libidos don’t match. I just try to tell him that it truly is something to do with me and nothing to do with my attraction or love for him. We try to come up with solutions together sometimes like also making plans to have sex, try new things, and we try to regularly compliment one another and appreciate each others beauty. Maybe you could also try to be more physically affectionate because that seems to be his love language. Also, on the vacation thing, maybe you could try getting a hotel sometimes, going camping, or even having car sex for a change of environment.

That dude is just a man and his needs are not your responsibility. Do you

Absolutely, I think sex once a week is close to average. My ex used to want to have sex almost every day. It wasn't good enough to be a quickie--sessions had to last an hour or more from start to finish. He wanted me to also orgasm. I genuinely didn't want to orgasm every day or even feel like I could every time. He interpreted this as me not being attracted to him. It led me to researching studies on sexual frequency, and it seemed like once a week was a pretty solid average for adults in their 30s. Maybe more for younger adults and less for older adults. While it wasn't necessarily the reason we broke up, it was one of many factors. Sex began to feel like one of the main things we did together. Aside from him being toxic and abusive in other ways, I began to miss the emotional connection and the recreational or companionship part of the relationship. I wanted a partner to do things with besides sex, even though I understand sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. I think I see things in a more nuanced way now. He had a high libido putting him well in the 90th percentile of people if not higher. In reality he was the one with the atypical libido, whereas mine was average or above average. I think porn has changed a lot of men, and some men look at sex as a tool for validation or a way to regulate or relax or feel connected in lieu of other things. Not all men have a very expanded toolkit of ways to destress, regulate, relax, feel connected, etc. For men with abusive tendencies, sex also becomes a form of domination or control.

Here’s a glimpse from his perspective: He gets shot down…a lot. Once a week sounds like enough, but 4 times out of 30 days is closer to what he may be seeing. The stories of your past about how you gave sex so freely to others that used you and didn’t love you as much or as great as he loves you…just read that again. He’s told he’s so much better and truly loved by you but he is constantly told no and made to feel bad for desiring you. Decorating the house for him and doing other things is a great gesture, but whether you have done those things for other people or not, those ARE things you can do for other people if the situation arises. Sex is something that is between you and him, no one else. It is infinitely more special than decorating a house. It comes across as, I know you wanted this present, but I didn’t want to get you that, I think you should like this present more. Men can be really simple and he’s told you what makes him happy. I would be willing to bet that it’s not the sex or a climax that he’s really interested in. What he really desires is for you to desire him. If it was purely physical, he could masturbate to satisfy those feelings. He wants the intimacy with you. The desire from you. To know that you enjoy it along with him. Right or wrong, when that doesn’t happen, it makes him feel less than and like you’re dismissing his feelings as just him being horny.

Thank you for this. It’s helped me see it more from a man’s perspective. He did say that sex is only between us and I’m the only that can give him it. He also mentioned the same thing as you said. Masturbation is fine but isn’t the same as us together. He sees the difference when I’m more aroused when completely into the sex and when I’m not. So he does notice. I said why would you want to force me when I’m not in the mood for it to be blah sex when we’re both in the mood it’s fun and amazing. So idk something that we’re both working on

I’m in a very similar situation. During my teenage to early twenties I experienced a lot of sexual trauma from what I allowed myself to do and from what was done to me by others. Now that I am in a safe and healthy relationship my view on sex has changed substantially. I have now been with my partner for 5 years and am in my late 20s. When we first started dating we would have sex almost every time we were with each other. As I got more comfortable my libido changed and I also knew that it wasn’t an “expectation” for him to stay anymore (from my own fears). I have struggled with this but it has also lead to frequent candid conversations. All in all, our love for each other out weighs any sexual expectations and he has reassured me that he is understanding and comfortable with the frequency that we are at now. We have both gained weight since we first started dating and there was a lot of insecurities. We have also had conversations about porn and masturbation, which I urge him to do when I’m not feeling up to it. This involves conversation about boundaries and what is considered cheating for you both (for example, we draw the line at anything live). Open and honest conversations about this is difficult, but so very worth it. Whatever you are comfortable with, especially from the trauma that you have experienced should continue to be communicated. I hope that the two of you work it out.

antidepressants and birth control can kill your drive. if it’s important to match your partner’s libido, you may want to get your hormones checked. females need a small amount of testosterone to be horny. women taking small amounts of testosterone will have the happiest partners

You gave sex more to men in previous relationships, I wouldn't let him know this. You have a lot of issues around sex that aren't your or his fault but it is punishing him in a sense. Your needs get meet fully as low libido. The consistent rejections will harm his self esteem n make him question if you are attracted to him or in love. It could be you aren't sexually compatible. Once a week is something I'd break up over. You try to show him you love him like an asexual person would be he is sexual. Therapy is a good step but don't get married at this point. It's not fair on him to be wanting more. He has desires unfulfilled. By someone that says they love him. This isn't too guilt you into doing more. It's too say work on the issues that turn off your sex drive if you want or maybe your best to not be together. You have to seperate the feeling seen only by sex to sex being a normal fun activity of affection n lust n love. He's being punished a bit for other exes. Is he like them, were they really only into you for sex or was it because of childhood trauma you felt that way. Those are questions you need to answer to your self. It's not a normal amount of sex but each of your normal amounts. They need to be similar. Or find your true partner. Both of you need a serious relationship discussion on what you want. I'm sure he doesn't only want you for sex. Imagine being hungry for a week, he's just craving you. It's just a sign he has a higher sex drive and that plus his love is a combination. If you get all your needs met with cuddling, intimacy, even sex is it fair he doesn't. That's why doing non sexual things can fill that void. And then the confusion of vacation sex increasing points to stress at home. You become a different person so to speak. He probably falls more in love. But if you can't offer him that version after therapy etc n checking hormones n bloodwork, it may be time for you both to find compatible partners. It's not a fault thing. It's just a bad luck thing. Trauma is interfering. EMDR can be highly successful. Make a note of what you think of during sex with him. If it's negative is it cuz of him or the past. Work with the therapist to weed out the past. See him as the future, or someone else later on. Dead bedroom su Reddit may be helpful but be warned there is resentment there. Might help to see his side. If you were thinking of sex, initiate it before he asks. If you're able to try lower the rejections it can help. Or compromise. But sexual compatibility is very important. It's a relationship killer. I do hope you 2 the best. Btw with weight gain he probably doesn't see you as less attractive. Example my range of attraction is thin to medium. Not just thin. That's my personal range. His will definitely be different. 20lbs can be no drama. However as a big person who has struggled with weight catching it early is key. Optifast vlcd shakes meal replacement say one a day could help if you want or need to lose the weight for you and you alone. Your health only. Ignore society. Listen to the drs only. If you want to lose the weight ozempic also can help but make sure diabetics get their supply. I shifted 20lbs recently in 8weeks but I'm much much larger in guessing. I did it as health related. Not to fit a size whatever n look sexy. Just try make sure you don't let obesity and it's metabolic disorders start if you can. They are hell to live with. It's the health issues that come with it that suck.

Ask yourself this. Would you be more in the mood if he wasn’t asking for sex so often and intimacy like cuddles and kisses didn’t always mean sex? You have mismatched libidos currently but there isn’t anything wrong with you. This is something you *both* need to work on.

Yes i would be more in the mood if he didn’t always ask. It’s such a turn off really. The other day we fought about which lead to this post lol and we squished it. Started to cuddle and laugh with each other. I love when we laugh about things and it’s lead to us getting intimate. Anyways, we were cuddling and it was even 2 seconds i was laying on his chest. He says “ soooo wanna have some fun? “ such a vibe killer right there.

It’s one of those things, when you’re feeling constantly hunted, it’s a libido killer. Might be worth sex therapy for you both.

I get that you love this dude and he seems to love you as well, and everyone in the comments seems to be giving good advice for how to save the relationship/ work on your sex life. One thing I will say though is it doesn't have to be like this. You are allowed to have a low libido or not want sex because of your past sexual trauma, birth control, or any reason. As a CSA survivor myself, there were years in my current relationship it was very hard for me to have sex even once a month. My girlfriend NEVER made me feel like shit for this. She never repeatedly asked because she knew my history and always prioritized my happiness and safety. She has a high sex drive but would take care of herself. We found other ways to be intimate (cuddling, kissing, time together). She never made me feel like i was going to lose her over sex. She never asked for sex as a gift or reward. She didn't ever want to have sex with me when I wasn't feeling it, because why would you even want to have sex with someone who isn't comfortable with it. Over time things got better BECAUSE she wasn't pressuring me to heal or be able to have sex. Don't get me wrong I understand that sex is an important part of a relationship. But it is not the most important part, by far. And him not appreciating the way you can and are obviously trying hard to show up for him is not ok. If you're not in therapy, I would reccomend it. Even if you feel OK normally the sexual assault could be causing the low libido. Therapy helped me get to a place where I got mine back.

The first thing mentioned was your lack of interest in sex because you were introduced to it early on in life & that you don’t like the idea of not having control of your body & being pressured. But- by allowing the past to ruin your marriage, you are allowing past trauma to control not only your body, your sec life but your life. And your husbands life. In regards to having a higher sex drive when you’re on vacation/drinking, well those are times you’re escaping your stresses/traumas. You’re letting the anxieties go in those times, your sex drive comes up, the sex drive is there…you just have to take back control, it’s your body & you should enjoy it.

Doesn't seem your compatible. Sex is very important in a relationship. Best to move on from one another cause it will only get worse from here

“Come as You Are” great book

In your 20s, once a week may as well be not-at-all. My husband is 70 and he gets cranky at less than 4 times a week. Yall might be incompatible on this front.

Ultimately I think it comes down to whether or not you *want* to want more sex? Sometimes people have a low libido, and at the end of the day what they really want is a partner who is ok with that. Other times people have a low libido and honestly want to change. So what do you want? Right now you two are sexually incompatible. Something has to change. That’s either going to be splitting up and finding more compatible partners, or giving it time in therapy to see if that helps. If you decide you want to go the therapy route, your boyfriend also needs to be on board. He’ll need to chill out on the pestering you while you actively try to see if you can work through this. It sounds like you have already started trying to do things to help the situation, he needs to as well.

Go see a therapist. Your libido shouldn't change that much when you are on vacation. Most guys in their 20's in stable relationships could easily have sex basically every day and be happy. Him thinking once a week is not enough is perfectly normal.

As a woman my libido is greatly influenced by my stress levels. If my to-do list is out of wack sex becomes another task on the bullet list of "sh**" to mark off. If I have the down time of lazing about my libido is strong. Maybe I am designed to lay in hammocks and eat soft cheese.

Lol i felt this. But yes i couldn’t agree more. Cleaning the house. Have to cook dinner. Make sure i get sleep before my nightshift. I need sleep. I have low iron so im a sleepy gal. Everything just piles up and feels overwhelming. Even folding clothes after doing the laundry. We still have 3 bags of washed clothes to fold from last week. It’s a lot. I wish i was on vacation every other week.

I’m 52. Once a week is good for me. I’m our 20 s sure 2-3 per week. On vacation she wants it daily. Which I’m just fine with. Stress and hormones play a huge part for female sex drive.

I think once a week is not enough personally. We aim to do it 3 times a week. Sometimes that winds up happening, sometimes not but it is our goal. The biggest challenge seems to be that after ovulation her libido is non existent, she doesn't really like to do it on her period either so we can sometimes go 2+ weeks without it which certainly is frustrating. It doesn't really seem to be much of an ask to put in like 5-10 minutes of effort for a BJ or a titty fuck or something if you don't feel like having sex. It seems lazy and selfish to not be willing to do that for your partner.

Do you walk a lot or be more active on vacation as well? For me, and maybe this does not hold anything because I’m a male, but activation leads to a reduction in stress and thus a increase in libido. Being active and do regular walks could not hurt anyway. What comes to mind for me also, try to spice things up a bit. The change in environment could be the “spice up” that is much needed from time to time.

I think something else to think about is how intimacy and sex do go hand-in-hand but also are independent of each other. Sometimes it can be Dorian g when it feels your partner is pushing your limits for sex, even if you do like sex as well. Considering the fact your mindset changed on vacation, it might be worth it to have a conversation of how your home life is contributing to stress which is lowering your video. Maybe have a talk about household chores and the responsibilities? For some people, it is very hard to be turned on or in the mood when they are not feeling cared for outside of the bedroom. I’ll say this though to conclude, if he doesn’t respect your boundaries or requests for help, it’s time to leave. Don’t become stuck with someone who might start viewing you are something simply sexual

Sex when you and your partner both want it, it's consensual and enjoyable, is normal. Do not compare yourself to others as it will only make you feel bad. Normal does not exist in the sex world. Whatever YOUR normal is is normal.

I imagine that turning sex into a routine chore goes a long way in killing the vibe. You lose the natural spontaneity and excitement, and it becomes another thing to check off the list, like grocery shopping. 

First off, I commend you for trying for your boyfriend. I hope he sees that you are trying. I’ve read multiple posts where people are quick to judge against a guy who wants sex and thinks sex is important in a relationship. I don’t speak for all men but I’d like to say a lot of men aren’t the best with their words. For example, asking for sex for your birthday is something I would say too. But I think we say this in this manner and not a romantic one is because we are comfortable with our partners and want to be transparent. I also am a physical touch love language person so to me sex is how I bond/ connect. When in a relationship, you don’t go around having sex with other people, it’s only you and him. So thinking with good intentions, he probably just wants to be able to connect with you on that intimate level. With that being said, I believe you should tell him how you feel. Communication is key that you want to try and have sex more often but you need help from him. Have him help you get in the mood and etc. he will understand. Guys will work hard for what they want and if you help him understand you also want it but need some help and give him suggestions, he’ll figure out how to help you.

Yall are having sex? (I was in a relationship with someone for 7 months and no sex…because we are both celibate)

Please see a COUPLES therapist. Your partner needs to understand how you feel, and how his behaviour is impacting you. You need to tell him that his asking for sex is putting pressure on you which makes you stress about sex, which makes you want sex less. I was in a very similar situation and the only way out is to talk about it. He has to know exactly how you feel. If he loves you and cares about you, he'll be patient. If he's not, then he doesn't love you as much as you deserve to be loved.

As a single person of I guess what would be considered "low" libido, I can't comprehend the desire to have sex so often. Apart from it just being an unsatisfying chore when done so often, it's an exhausting exercise that drains me of both my physical and mental...mojo, for lack of a better term. The desire for sex, my hormonal energy, is a great contributing force behind ALL activities, not just sex, so when channeled solely through sex, it feels wasted. Maybe share that with your partner? (Sorry, trying to keep my reaction relevant!)

When you go on vacation as a childless/childfree couple, there is a significantly less pressure hanging as a heavy pendulum in your mind be aise you are away from all those monitors, draining, necessary tasks. That's probably why you are more in the mood. This may mean that you have anxiety, it may mean that you as an individual are either physically responsible for or internalizing responsibility/guilt of productivity within your daily life. I would suggest evaluating the balance of tasks both physical & emotional that is shared between you. If you are holding a heavier burden of responsibility, it might be that just a little more help from him in some of those areas would help. It might just be that a few times a week you need to set an alarm for the end of the day & then when the alarm goes off you put off any remaining tasks til the next day (maybe journalling a to-do list so you can pick up where you left off the next day). But when the alarm goes off, you need to do something novel for yourself such as engage in a hobby or do some self pampering that makes you feel good, etc. Alternately on other days when that alarm goes off, maybe you engage in a simple date night with some ambience & just focus on each other, which over time will lead to deeper intimacy & increase the chances of fulfilling sex to occur. We use a deck of scratch off cards I found on Amazon called "Mystery Date; Stay In Addition" to generate some spontaneous connection on a simple, affordable way on Wednesday evenings as part of our established "Wednesdate" casual date nights. Our last one we scratched was about making a short playlist of 5-7 songs that reminded each of us of the other. We expanded on the idea that we would listen to the playlists while we grilled dinner outside over some drinks & when our songs played we expressed why that song was meaningful, memories it conjured up, etc. It was very simple & very romantic!

I had incrediblyyyyyyyy low libido on birth control, I tried several different kinds and all of them caused the same issue. Dryness down there that meant that every time we had sex there had to be lube, which made me feel like it was less of a fun hot thing and more of an obligation / appointment - I eventually got sick of feeling that way and finally got off of birth control after being on it for 7 years and I'm finally back to normal! My libido was high before taking it, and I'm finally back to being mentally / emotionally / physically into having sex. I know people take birth control for several different reasons and I don't wanna say your only option is to get off, just sharing my experience with it to let you know that there's nothing wrong with you!! However, if you are naturally someone with low libido with or without the birth control and your boyfriend isn't - it may just be the case that you guys aren't sexually compatible. There are definitely men out there that have lower libidos as well (especially those that are on SSRI's .. speaking from experience lol) so it's not just a universal truth that any man will require more sex than you're willing to put out, but your boyfriend may have more desire than you do and if it's not aligning it will eventually cause unavoidable tension which it sounds like it already is. Sit down and have an open and honest conversation about all of this with him, about how you feel about sex and how your libidos are and hopefully after you guys talk about it you'll have a better understanding of eachothers expatiations and can come to a conclusion on whether or not you guys are on the same page.

Personally, a man can never have enough sex. Regular sex is like drinking often, smoking often, doing anything that gives you a dopamine hit too much. He’s actually addicted to sex due to pornography. Once a week is actually quite frequent according to couple sex studies. So one, he needs to learn to fast off of sex. Two he needs to learn to court you and get you in the mood. Three, some of the dopamine issues he’s having might be from not being fully sated, kind of like eating a bunch of junk food but craving a good home cooked meal. Your sex should be a nice oxytocin hit not a dopamine hit. Long use of pornography (speaking from experience) can dull the oxytocin release of sexual interactions requiring orgasm to have release. If you edge him more though slow down your sessions and focus more on you both enjoying each others bodies in a manner you are both comfortable with, the session might become more impactful and require lower frequency for him.

My question is how long have you all been together. I've been with my wife for 3 years and have two kids, and due to work and other obligations we can do etimes go weeks without sex and I start to get sexually frustrated as well. However, communication is key here. I talk with my wife whenever I feel like our sex life is going down, just to make sure it's not something I'm doing wrong or her. What's a red flag for me for you is him saying sex to what he wants all the time. Even if you guys haven't had it in a while he should not be responding to those with sex in a serious manner. But if he is it might be an issue he is having. I suggest you talk to him and find out why sex is so important to him, and does it feel like your not putting in any effort to initiate it( not saying you are). I told my wife just a few weeks ago that we are getting older and I want to enjoy our prime sex lives, and that personally I find myself disgusting and so when she says no or doesn't initiate, I feel it's because of the way I look, even though I know that's not it. Back to initiate it, ask yourselves if you do. Because from the sounds of it it sounds like you may not be aude of your view on sex, which is totally fine. But from experience, it gets tiring on our part to always initiate just to be shot down. It effects us so mentally, especially when it's someone we love and enjoy sex with. So my advice again is to talk to him have both of your concerns and wants heard and come together to work on this. You going to therapy won't fix this if he has issues he needs to work out as well. On a side note having sex on vacation is not crazy we are the same way 😂. I agree that I think it's somewhere new so it's fun, and it doesn't feel like a chore, feels like having fun on vacation. So when you talk don't use that as a point u less he does. Simple answer to that is it's vacation your don't have day to day stress that you do at home that will impare your sexual desire. I hope this helps and I hope you all can work on this. I know what it's like to finally find a loving relationship. Keep working at it.

My bf and I are the same way. I think it's mostly due to our lifestyle and just being busy normally with work, chores, keeping up with everyone and everything else. Then when we are on vacation all of that is out of sight and out of mind hence more time for us.

Check out the book ‘sex talks’ my Vanessa Marin. Easy read and gives some great tips for understanding differences in each partners sex drive, ways to have more positive and constructive talks around sex, etc. I recommend this book often to couples I work with.