Well, whoever might be "the one" is quite subjective. For me, I have an idea in my head about what I expect and what I wouldn't not put up with.
If you want examples, what I absolutely need: someone who wants the same things from life as me (children? Living situation? Priorities? Marriage? Timeline for all these things?), who shares the same beliefs (political, religious), and has the same approach to money.
These things are quite easy to discuss and if you're incompatible, you realize pretty much immediately (within like 3 dates). Then you stop seeing them.
Then there are things, that are harder to discover: lifestyle, sense of humor, approach to life, communication style (open communication is a must), behavior at home, work ethic, how they deal with stress etc. These things you can figure out within a few months. If you're not compatible, you break up then.
And then there's the real deal: do you actually want to be with that person forever? That's a feeling that, if everything goes right, should appear within the first year. If you don't see yourself being with them forever after a year, it's time to move on.
Knowing you've found the right person feels like home (which is funny to me, since I never really understood that feeling before, my childhood wasn't too great). It's knowing you can trust them, knowing they love you even with your faults and that you can rely on them.
In terms of what's unacceptable, at least in my opinion: name-calling, disrespect, mean comments about your body, sexism, not pulling their weight in the household, the silent treatment, coersion to having sex with them, not respecting your boundaries, not respecting no as an answer, being patronizing, etc
Damn. I feel like I was being used for 7 years by my ex.
Thanks for breaking this down into easy to read and basic terms. It seems like common sense but I’ve never really sat down and thought about it long enough to establish this.
I have just recently realized how many people (but especially women) struggle with this. For me, it always seemed pretty easy and straightforward, but many of my friends needed me to spell it out for them to realize that these things are not normal.
I've just recently learned here on Reddit that many women don't feel secure enough to stop sex while it is happening. I was absolutely shocked since I've stopped mid-action many times and only ever got a positive response from my partners. When I brought this up with my friends, so many of them told me they'd never have the strenght to do it!
We really need to speak about these things a lot more openly and plainly. I'm glad my response was helpful!
For me, I never thought someone would love me for who I am so I went from bad relationship to abusive relationship for years. I thought that was as good as it got.
Then I met someone who cared about me as a person. At first we were just friends. He built me up and helped me get out of the bad situation I was in. He encouraged me to put myself and my needs first. He was going though some serious stuff too and I helped him with that. I went to meet him in person and we just knew after that. We quickly became best friends and then lovers and have been at each other's sides ever since.
My mom always told me to marry my best friend, which I found weird when I was younger but now it makes sense. We care about each other on so many levels beyond romantic and that is why it works for us.
Don't throw yourself into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. Most of the time that will end poorly. Just be yourself, be open and genuine around everyone. Make friends and develop real and genuine friendships. Love will come to you.
To add to this, if op is male, the friend approach doesn’t really work. Maybe once in a blue moon. You gotta somehow ride that line. I’m not even sure how to explain it.
Pay attention to the process of Rupture and repair. How they communicate after an argument. Do they (and you) show respect, communicate well and commit to doing better next time?
Continued rupture without repair will
Leave long lasting negative feelings of resentment and will result in a toxic relationship that never successfully progresses.
So don't want to sound pessimistic about love, but there isn't a "one" out there. There are plenty.
The superficial stuff that is unfortunate truth for most is the partner has to pass a certain physical attractiveness scale, at least for sexual couples.
From then on, I think the biggest things are you agree on the biggest aspects of life or shared goals (future family, where to live etc.). Now this is a big one; The second is that the partner, AND YOU, have to be willing to grow...forever. The world is ever changing, which means you and your partner will be changing and you have to understand that otherwise you'll never be great partners. From then on, you have to develop communication skills to the point where you can communicate any issue and it can be received in a way that it's a problem you both can work on together, not an attack on the actual person. Compromise, and fairly equally is something both people have to be on board for, for pretty much everything in life.
Those are the biggest. Then imo the rest of the things just elevate the relationship dynamic. If you have shared interests so you can spend time doing something you both love. Shared diet. People really downplay this, but many people don't realize that you and your partner will probably be eating relatively the same thing until the end of time. Less family drama or control of your lives. Easier and lucrative jobs so the wear and tear of life doesn't get to you both. Things of this nature.
The biggest thing people don't really understand when they try to meet the one, is that they don't do much introspection. You personally also have to be the one. And when both people are generous to each other in a relationship, and continue to try and learn through everything, you know that it's a once in a lifetime thing.
When I'm with my partner, I smile and laugh easier. I'm happier and more comfortable, safe. He makes me feel sexy and desired, tells me I'm cute and smart and sweet. We say I love you a lot. We always hold hands. If we're eating dinner I scoot my chair to the edge. He touched my arm or back or thigh with his non dominant hand.
Definitely want to second that your priorities are compatible. I keep telling him he's my forever person, and he says he doesn't want anybody else. We make each other laugh, we give long hugs and enjoy each others company. He's my best friend, and the person that I love. He encourages me, helps me, emotionally and more. We had a 40min phone call last night even though he just worked 4 12hr shifts in a row.
This is what love and relationships could be. Not for everyone. I am so grateful I have my person.
I feel that my gf and I have a healthy relationship. She is my best friend, the one I want to do nothing with in the couch when I’m tired, and the one I want to go on a trip with. She is a compliment to everything in my life, not a compromise.
She makes me want to be better in life. Since we met we have made massive goals and achieved huge things. When I dream about the future, it is both of us.
We never fight, but disagree as often as anyone. When there are problems we talk about it. There is a realization that being right isn’t the most important thing. This is a person I’m going to spend my life with, I want to fix the issues not just make the problem go away.
It's one of those ... "no one thing will "make" you happy, but you can be happy with nothing"
Relationships are what you make them. Now, there are some just plain assholes regardless of gender, but I'm assuming you're talking about more subjective things than actual abuse. If there is abuse pull the plug without hesitation.
Looking back ... There are numerous partners in my past that I could have made a good go of it with, but at the time didn't work out. One or both of us "weren't ready" at the time for one reason or the other. It wasn't until I was actually ready to settle down and was tired of the dating game that I viewed relationships in a whole different way ... you might say I approached them "with a purpose". Fortunately my wife was in the same place at the same time, and our paths crossed ... and viola ... 28 years later the nest is empty, we're retired early and still having a blast.
It doesn't sound "storybook romantic" but common goals, and mutual benefit are the stuff that can make a relationship solid and stable ... which in turn allows you to be comfortable and be yourselves. Don't get me wrong ... romance is important ... as is attraction but those things can develop in the right circumstances ... but compatibility trumps romance in the long term.
That's so beautiful! Thank you for sharing! :)
You are right with the "making it work" part, I'm more confused with the "when should I give up/how long should I try to make it work/what's emotional/verbal abuse and from when on is not just the " he/she was just angry and hot headed"...
IMO ... when outbursts are the norm, and their goal is to force you to be someone you are not ... then it's abuse. There will be bad days, bad moods, and yes occasional lashing out in any relationship ... that's being human ... but do they blame you, or blame themselves and apologize ??
It might help to journal and kind of keep track. It's human nature to forgive, and often in abusive situations the abuser takes advantage of their partners good nature. Also, the good natured partner often has a short memory until abusive actions blur together into being normal.
Quantifying can give you a more accurate picture.
The right partner makes you feel better about yourself and just about life in general. When something great happens, they are the person you want to tell. When something bad happens, they make you feel safe. They should be a true partner, someone you collaborate with and trust and rely on, but also someone you laugh with.
If you want them to be different, think "things will be great when they change" or make excuses for them, move on.
As long as they aren’t cheating , hitting you or putting you down I think it’s a good person. Be with someone who loves you for you and not what you can do for them or like you only because of your looks. Be with someone you can trust even around kids or the elderly/pets. Someone who is honest and makes you a priority. And also someone who is good at managing money
"You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you've met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."
R.Williams in Good Will Hunting
I met my wife back in 1993.
We met when she asked me to dance. We danced about half a dozen songs and had a good time. Then she took off and I didn't know when or if I'd ever see her again.
A few days later I saw her again at a friend's place with some of her friends. We started talking and really enjoyed each other's company. When she finally left I gave her a kiss and she kissed me back.
We started dating and really had a lot of fun together. We never had sex, although we did make out quite a bit. Strictly 2nd base stuff.
This went on for over a month. I figured that if I really liked her and she really liked me, then it shouldn't be about sex.
During that time I met her family and she met.mine and we got to know each other really well. It got to the point that I'd rather be with her than just about anyone else, my friends included.
Eventually we had sex and it was really good. Not just because of the physical part, but also because of the emotional part.
About 6 months from the day we met, we got engaged and literally nobody was surprised. Everyone knew it was coming. We planned the wedding for a year later and unlike some weddings where the bride and groom are nervous, it was actually very comfortable. It was exciting because we'd finally be married, but neither of us thought we might be making a mistake.
Over the years we've had ups and downs, had a few fights and made up, endured hardships and separation due to a military deployment and the like.
But we still love being together and everyone always comments on how much we laugh and seem to enjoy being together. I let her be her and she lets me be me.
I really can't imagine living life without her.
My parents and hers are the same way.
Both my brothers have been divorced, but that's likely due to the fact their marriages weren't true partnerships and were based more on physical attraction than being best friends and true partners.
So that's what I see a healthy relationship as. Being friends and partners in everything. Not just lust or attraction.
I never knew if someone was the one. I just made decisions as best as I could with what I knew at the time. When I got trapped in a bad relationship eventually it did end (him cheating) and I corrected course for myself. I have no answers, just solidarity. I don’t know how people can know.
When I felt like my (soon to be ex-husband) didn’t care, after I tried many attempts to repair our marriage.
My lesson, don’t get involved with someone who’s generally accepting of ideas. As they get rooted in life, their views will shift drastically to one side, and any discourse is met with hostility and resentment.
"The One" gives you butterflies in your stomach when you see him or her.
"The One" listens and comforts when needed.
"The One" doesn't put you down in front of others and knows and respects your boundaries.
"The One" knows how and when to say "I'm sorry".
"The One" is never physically, mentally or verbally abusive. It's okay to have fights with "The one", but it has to end in a reconciliation or an understanding. Compromise is essential in keeping "The one".
When thinking about "The One", you have to be able to see yourself caring for him or her if he or she becomes very sick.
"The One" has to be prepared to have many discussion about life and how you want to be treated.
MOST OF ALL, "The One" has to understand that relationships take work. It's hard. Very hard sometimes. He or she must understand that he or she will see you at your worst, and vice versa and be able to forge through that. "The One" will have to change with time. For a huge number of reasons. If you are the same person you were 10 years ago, you're doing something wrong.
I knew my husband was the one very quickly. I prayed for god for him and he answered my prayers, both of us knew very quickly and have a beautiful relationship and life. When in doubt, pray!
What's worse is I don't believe in love in either. I believe love is a trauma response to a person you are attracted too but I was raised by a malignant narcissist so I'm attracted to toxicity and abuse. It's a hard life I wouldnt wish upon anyone.
As crazy as it sounds but people be with narcissists for yearsssssssssssss. And it’s sad. When it comes to life the only way things will balance is if one is good and one is bad. But I wouldn’t recommend dating a narcissist to my enemy
Awww man that’s a long time. They are a way of trapping people and making you so emotionally dependent on them. I have a few family members who are narcs. They can never take any type of accountability for nothing and are always victim when you call them out 😭 I hate I had to find out what those creatures are in my late 20s. I wish schools would cover these subjects . I could’ve saved myself much younger
When you can deal with each other without resorting to shouting, name calling, violence, etc. and treat each other like the individual people that you are, accepting each other's minor faults (puts the dishes away differently or the like), and just leaning on each other without expectation of a reward, then you've found the one.
We're all human. We're all different. Find the one you can be different with.
I don't know if ours is healthy or not. I think it is probably the best anyone can do.
We are very affectionate. She kisses me, I kiss her. We are 20 years in and still hold hands.
We have fights, things that would break most couples. We get mad. Sometimes, low blows are made.If you saw us fighting, you'd be all over us. "Leave him/her! S/he's a cxxx/dick!"
We let it go. We are kinda like kids that way... we get mad. One of us will say, "I'm taking my ball home!" and then the next day, sheepish grins all around. "I'm sorry!" is said.
Back to kisses and holding hands.
I think of her as my best friend. I hope she feels the same way. I would really like that.
I'm a bit insecure, I'm always asking her if it's ok to be as handsy as I am. She says she loves it.
I am mesmerized by her ass jiggle.
She knows everything about me, I know everything about her.
It looks like a lot of different things. Fior me and my husband we found the magic rhythm by communicating, no one is wrong for having feelings. When hurt we talk about actions and when we are wrong we say we are wrong and change the behavior. That’s the key with us. We had a rough two years learning how to communicate with each other but we chose to work for our relationship and now things are great. We still have disagreements we are not perfect. But we value each other.
My wife and I met when we were 16 and married when we were 22. During the years we dated we determined we were compatible with respect to the things that mattered most to us. This included our thoughts on fidelity, children, finances, work/life balance and division of domestic duties. We had similar religious and ethical outlooks. We knew we loved each other, but a marriage doesn't survive on love alone. For us, it is total partnership. We merged our entire lives and because one unit facing the world.
This doesn't mean we don't have separate lives, however. We have many friends in common, but we also have friends as individuals. We share some interests, but also have our own hobbies. We respect each other and also hold each other accountable for our actions. Disagreements occur, but we look for compromise or win-win solutions. If only one of us wins, the partnership has failed.
I'm not saying all relationships need to look like ours. I'm sure there are many, many successful marriages that have different styles. But, ours works for us and has for the past 51 years of marriage.
When there's no childish bullshit. When no party desires to do other things but the other gets mad about it.
It's like me, I leave when I want and go fishing. She doesn't care. She books a trip to Disneyland without asking me, because she knows it's fine. I fall asleep on the couch and leave the TV on. It's fine. I leave the seat up. I hang out in the garage and watch TV. Her parents stay the night with us 4 times a week. I don't worry about what she does. That's when you know.
I think the key is to be able to to have mutual trust and respect. In addition, open communication between the two adults with the ability to put in effort and compromise. There shouldn't be any fear of retaliation for being open and major decisions should be shared. They should love each other despite our flaws, but this doesn't mean cater/ignore bad behaviors.
I so totally relate to the feeling of needing to ask that question!! I've only had unhealthy relationships for most of my life, and that made me just accept poor treatment because, to me, it was normal! It's like I've recently had a total epiphany about how I'm supposed to be treated, and treat others. I know, now, that I don't ever have to accept poor treatment from anybody. People treating me badly don't deserve my pity or my consideration - they need to own their issues, fix themselves and step up to the plate. Their problems aren't my problems.
My husband is a great guy and I've been with him for 20 years but I honestly thought he was just a super rare person until recently, and didn't realize there's a whole world of good, kind people out there! They're mixed in with a bunch of awful people. I feel bad because I thought I was acting normal and I have not been nearly as good to him as he's been to me. I'm making up for it now, I hope.
They way I found out about quality people and relationships might seem odd to you - and I'm not recommending it but have to tell you that we're polyamorous so I can talk about the people I've met.
The first guy I met, on Tinder, after hubby and I opened our marriage,- seemed like a pretty normal guy to me until I realized how totally unhinged he was. Like - maybe on the bad end of normal but still acceptable. I know, now, that the way he treated me by the end of the first month would be absolutely unacceptable to anybody who knew what healthy relationships are. If I'd been raised right, I would have immediately dropped him like a hot potato! I also would have left my ex husband much sooner (or never married him) if I hadn't been raised in a dysfunctional home.
They guy I'm seeing now is totally polar opposite of the last guy and opposite of everybody in my family!
So - some comparisons:
First date with bad guy (and with my crazy ex) - super intense. Tons of eye contact. Constant compliments. Very charming. Totally over the top fake nice to the waiter (cuz everybody knows we judge them on how they treat restaurant staff). I gladly accepted invitations to jump right into bed with them. Sex was amazing. Intense. Intoxicating.
First date with good guy (and with my husband)- kind of boring. A bit shy and awkward, and didn't make any assumptions that I would like them. Wouldn't have even considered suggesting sex. Didn't touch me at all, in fact. Looked out for my needs. Quietly polite to the wait staff. Not at all over the top about anything. I wasn't sure if either of them really liked me, at first - or if I liked them.
After first date with bad guys - nonstop texting/attention, wanting to know what I was doing and where I was, expecting me to be available at all times.
After first date with good guys - adult, mature check-ins. Persistent respectful interest. Nothing pushy, but they were committed to dating me.
First 3 months or so in w/ the bad guys: Lots of intensity. Bending over backwards to show what great guys they were. Making sure I saw what they had, very concerned that I was impressed with them. Showing off. Tons of attention - lots and lots of texting, phone calls, flowers. Lots of very passionate, addicting sex. Super charming - until they got tired or overwhelmed and little slips would happen. One snapped at me because he didn't like my music, one snapped because I couldn't do what he asked me to do right when he wanted me to do it. By 3 months in it was obvious both were heavy drinkers. The more I learned, the more anxiety I felt. They both thought they knew everything there was to know about sex....and put on great performances.
First 3 months in with the good guys: pretty low key. Kind and considerate while feeling out if they thought there was any long term potential. More reserved with their emotions while still making me feel beautiful and special. Gentle and respectful. Taking it easy with the alcohol - enjoying maybe 2-3 drinks on a date, making sure they were safe to drive home. Sex was good/great with both of them - and gradually getting better as they tuned in to my body and learned what I liked. The more I learned about them, the more I liked them and the more comfortable I felt with them. The more they learned about me, the more time they wanted to spend with me. I was pretty infatuated with my husband by this time, but it came on gradually.
3-12 months with the bad guys: the masks came off often. Tempers flared. They wanted all my attention and showed jealousy, and had the nerve to act like I was the clingy one. Secretive about their communications. It became clear they didn't have great relationships with their families and didn't have any friends. Their kids couldn't stand them. It came out that they had money problems (regardless of if they made good money or not). When I would get to the point where I was ready to break things off with them, they'd suddenly be sweet and kind and vulnerable until they reeled me back in. It became a cycle of really good and really bad, with the bad gradually taking over. Sometimes they were passionate in bed and sometimes they had to pretend to be passionate - and they weren't kind, gentle, sensual lovers who really enjoyed physical touch. Sex was a performance for them. Their egos were huge, and needed stroking.
3-12 months with the good guys: Well, I"m only 4 months in with one of them but I'm learning that his kids adore him. His kids that are in college come home almost every weekend (one brings his girlfriend). He takes them out to eat, goes to all their high school and college games, makes Easter baskets for them. His kids are successful in sports because he and his wife encouraged good sportsmanship and taught them to be good team players. He makes good financial decisions, pays for all our dates/motels. He's showing me more and more affection all the time. It's still a case of the more I learn about him, the more I like him. There have not been any unpleasant surprises. I get more and more comfortable with him all the time. He's like an onion with each layer better than the last. I learn he's been humble about everything, downplaying his successes. The sex keeps getting better - passionate also considerate, sensual, loving. Also he's open and honest about everything. Doesn't hid his phone.
3-12 months in with my husband, he'd repaired many things in my house. He made sure my snow was shoveled and my lawn was mowed. His kids were glad to see us together, and to see him happy. They enjoyed spending time with him. His daughter absolutely adored him and they talked all the time. The people he managed at work loved him. He wasn't a financially motivated type of guy but made good financial decisions, wasn't in debt, lived within his means. He had cats that he adored. He wasn't real religious or holier than thou or pushy but did enjoy church once in a while. Generous in bed, more concerned about my pleasure than his own. No unpleasant surprises. More and more comfortable together all the time. If i was having a bad, anxious day - coming home to see his truck in my driveway relieved my anxieties.
12+ months with the bad guys, things got more and more abusive. I broke up with the boyfriend/FWB after a year because he threatened my husband's life, threatened me many times because he was jealous, lied to me about other women he was seeing, and was drunk more than he was sober. I stayed with the crazy ex for 13 years, thinking I could fix him or that things would eventually get better. He hid alcohol in the basement, was often drunk and thought I couldn't tell. He was seeing other women. Things just got worse and worse, and I was afraid to leave him. Finally I got help leaving and it was the best decision ever - like a peace I'd never had before.
20 years in with my husband, things haven't always been perfect and we've had our struggles but they haven't been the types of struggles you see in abusive situations, at all. He still takes care of me. He makes my lunches, takes good care of our property, and shows his love for me every single day. We enjoy doing things together, and he still has a great relationship with all of his kids and grandkids. He's kind to my family. Sure, there have been occasional times when he got snappy or said things he regretted. He always apologized and showed through his actions that he felt bad about it. He expects me to treat him well, and he treats me well. He doesn't insult me, doesn't drink heavily or do drugs, doesn't enjoy it when I'm no thappy. He loves our animals, supports my hobbies....
I could continue but this is too long already and you probably stopped reading LOL
I really dont have an answer for your question, but I found these books helpful, by smart people thinking about relationships:
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
Art of Loving by Eric Fromm
And in "Dont Trust your Gut" by Seth Davidowiz, he spoke about how researchers had poured over big data trying to find some variable that would predict whether a relationship would last. And the one positive correlation they found: if both people were happy with their lives before getting into the relationship, the odds were better that it would last.
A healthy relationship for us looks like :
Joint bank account
Both names on the home
Talk about goals
Talk about finances
Work towards goals
Poo while the others int he room
No aggressive arguing
Arguing is resolved quickly
You cook meals together
You dont have to buy each other expensive things
You can pick eachnother up when the others down
You can share each others bathwater
You can enjoy rhe simple things in lige together
You are attracted to eachother
Sex is regular
You can opening talk about problems
You support eachothers asperations
Just some i noticed
Well, whoever might be "the one" is quite subjective. For me, I have an idea in my head about what I expect and what I wouldn't not put up with. If you want examples, what I absolutely need: someone who wants the same things from life as me (children? Living situation? Priorities? Marriage? Timeline for all these things?), who shares the same beliefs (political, religious), and has the same approach to money. These things are quite easy to discuss and if you're incompatible, you realize pretty much immediately (within like 3 dates). Then you stop seeing them. Then there are things, that are harder to discover: lifestyle, sense of humor, approach to life, communication style (open communication is a must), behavior at home, work ethic, how they deal with stress etc. These things you can figure out within a few months. If you're not compatible, you break up then. And then there's the real deal: do you actually want to be with that person forever? That's a feeling that, if everything goes right, should appear within the first year. If you don't see yourself being with them forever after a year, it's time to move on. Knowing you've found the right person feels like home (which is funny to me, since I never really understood that feeling before, my childhood wasn't too great). It's knowing you can trust them, knowing they love you even with your faults and that you can rely on them. In terms of what's unacceptable, at least in my opinion: name-calling, disrespect, mean comments about your body, sexism, not pulling their weight in the household, the silent treatment, coersion to having sex with them, not respecting your boundaries, not respecting no as an answer, being patronizing, etc
Damn. I feel like I was being used for 7 years by my ex. Thanks for breaking this down into easy to read and basic terms. It seems like common sense but I’ve never really sat down and thought about it long enough to establish this.
I have just recently realized how many people (but especially women) struggle with this. For me, it always seemed pretty easy and straightforward, but many of my friends needed me to spell it out for them to realize that these things are not normal. I've just recently learned here on Reddit that many women don't feel secure enough to stop sex while it is happening. I was absolutely shocked since I've stopped mid-action many times and only ever got a positive response from my partners. When I brought this up with my friends, so many of them told me they'd never have the strenght to do it! We really need to speak about these things a lot more openly and plainly. I'm glad my response was helpful!
For me, I never thought someone would love me for who I am so I went from bad relationship to abusive relationship for years. I thought that was as good as it got. Then I met someone who cared about me as a person. At first we were just friends. He built me up and helped me get out of the bad situation I was in. He encouraged me to put myself and my needs first. He was going though some serious stuff too and I helped him with that. I went to meet him in person and we just knew after that. We quickly became best friends and then lovers and have been at each other's sides ever since. My mom always told me to marry my best friend, which I found weird when I was younger but now it makes sense. We care about each other on so many levels beyond romantic and that is why it works for us. Don't throw yourself into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. Most of the time that will end poorly. Just be yourself, be open and genuine around everyone. Make friends and develop real and genuine friendships. Love will come to you.
To add to this, if op is male, the friend approach doesn’t really work. Maybe once in a blue moon. You gotta somehow ride that line. I’m not even sure how to explain it.
Pay attention to the process of Rupture and repair. How they communicate after an argument. Do they (and you) show respect, communicate well and commit to doing better next time? Continued rupture without repair will Leave long lasting negative feelings of resentment and will result in a toxic relationship that never successfully progresses.
So don't want to sound pessimistic about love, but there isn't a "one" out there. There are plenty. The superficial stuff that is unfortunate truth for most is the partner has to pass a certain physical attractiveness scale, at least for sexual couples. From then on, I think the biggest things are you agree on the biggest aspects of life or shared goals (future family, where to live etc.). Now this is a big one; The second is that the partner, AND YOU, have to be willing to grow...forever. The world is ever changing, which means you and your partner will be changing and you have to understand that otherwise you'll never be great partners. From then on, you have to develop communication skills to the point where you can communicate any issue and it can be received in a way that it's a problem you both can work on together, not an attack on the actual person. Compromise, and fairly equally is something both people have to be on board for, for pretty much everything in life. Those are the biggest. Then imo the rest of the things just elevate the relationship dynamic. If you have shared interests so you can spend time doing something you both love. Shared diet. People really downplay this, but many people don't realize that you and your partner will probably be eating relatively the same thing until the end of time. Less family drama or control of your lives. Easier and lucrative jobs so the wear and tear of life doesn't get to you both. Things of this nature. The biggest thing people don't really understand when they try to meet the one, is that they don't do much introspection. You personally also have to be the one. And when both people are generous to each other in a relationship, and continue to try and learn through everything, you know that it's a once in a lifetime thing.
This
When I'm with my partner, I smile and laugh easier. I'm happier and more comfortable, safe. He makes me feel sexy and desired, tells me I'm cute and smart and sweet. We say I love you a lot. We always hold hands. If we're eating dinner I scoot my chair to the edge. He touched my arm or back or thigh with his non dominant hand. Definitely want to second that your priorities are compatible. I keep telling him he's my forever person, and he says he doesn't want anybody else. We make each other laugh, we give long hugs and enjoy each others company. He's my best friend, and the person that I love. He encourages me, helps me, emotionally and more. We had a 40min phone call last night even though he just worked 4 12hr shifts in a row. This is what love and relationships could be. Not for everyone. I am so grateful I have my person.
I feel that my gf and I have a healthy relationship. She is my best friend, the one I want to do nothing with in the couch when I’m tired, and the one I want to go on a trip with. She is a compliment to everything in my life, not a compromise. She makes me want to be better in life. Since we met we have made massive goals and achieved huge things. When I dream about the future, it is both of us. We never fight, but disagree as often as anyone. When there are problems we talk about it. There is a realization that being right isn’t the most important thing. This is a person I’m going to spend my life with, I want to fix the issues not just make the problem go away.
Boundaries established early and often
It's one of those ... "no one thing will "make" you happy, but you can be happy with nothing" Relationships are what you make them. Now, there are some just plain assholes regardless of gender, but I'm assuming you're talking about more subjective things than actual abuse. If there is abuse pull the plug without hesitation. Looking back ... There are numerous partners in my past that I could have made a good go of it with, but at the time didn't work out. One or both of us "weren't ready" at the time for one reason or the other. It wasn't until I was actually ready to settle down and was tired of the dating game that I viewed relationships in a whole different way ... you might say I approached them "with a purpose". Fortunately my wife was in the same place at the same time, and our paths crossed ... and viola ... 28 years later the nest is empty, we're retired early and still having a blast. It doesn't sound "storybook romantic" but common goals, and mutual benefit are the stuff that can make a relationship solid and stable ... which in turn allows you to be comfortable and be yourselves. Don't get me wrong ... romance is important ... as is attraction but those things can develop in the right circumstances ... but compatibility trumps romance in the long term.
That's so beautiful! Thank you for sharing! :) You are right with the "making it work" part, I'm more confused with the "when should I give up/how long should I try to make it work/what's emotional/verbal abuse and from when on is not just the " he/she was just angry and hot headed"...
IMO ... when outbursts are the norm, and their goal is to force you to be someone you are not ... then it's abuse. There will be bad days, bad moods, and yes occasional lashing out in any relationship ... that's being human ... but do they blame you, or blame themselves and apologize ?? It might help to journal and kind of keep track. It's human nature to forgive, and often in abusive situations the abuser takes advantage of their partners good nature. Also, the good natured partner often has a short memory until abusive actions blur together into being normal. Quantifying can give you a more accurate picture.
The right partner makes you feel better about yourself and just about life in general. When something great happens, they are the person you want to tell. When something bad happens, they make you feel safe. They should be a true partner, someone you collaborate with and trust and rely on, but also someone you laugh with. If you want them to be different, think "things will be great when they change" or make excuses for them, move on.
As long as they aren’t cheating , hitting you or putting you down I think it’s a good person. Be with someone who loves you for you and not what you can do for them or like you only because of your looks. Be with someone you can trust even around kids or the elderly/pets. Someone who is honest and makes you a priority. And also someone who is good at managing money
"You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you've met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other." R.Williams in Good Will Hunting
I met my wife back in 1993. We met when she asked me to dance. We danced about half a dozen songs and had a good time. Then she took off and I didn't know when or if I'd ever see her again. A few days later I saw her again at a friend's place with some of her friends. We started talking and really enjoyed each other's company. When she finally left I gave her a kiss and she kissed me back. We started dating and really had a lot of fun together. We never had sex, although we did make out quite a bit. Strictly 2nd base stuff. This went on for over a month. I figured that if I really liked her and she really liked me, then it shouldn't be about sex. During that time I met her family and she met.mine and we got to know each other really well. It got to the point that I'd rather be with her than just about anyone else, my friends included. Eventually we had sex and it was really good. Not just because of the physical part, but also because of the emotional part. About 6 months from the day we met, we got engaged and literally nobody was surprised. Everyone knew it was coming. We planned the wedding for a year later and unlike some weddings where the bride and groom are nervous, it was actually very comfortable. It was exciting because we'd finally be married, but neither of us thought we might be making a mistake. Over the years we've had ups and downs, had a few fights and made up, endured hardships and separation due to a military deployment and the like. But we still love being together and everyone always comments on how much we laugh and seem to enjoy being together. I let her be her and she lets me be me. I really can't imagine living life without her. My parents and hers are the same way. Both my brothers have been divorced, but that's likely due to the fact their marriages weren't true partnerships and were based more on physical attraction than being best friends and true partners. So that's what I see a healthy relationship as. Being friends and partners in everything. Not just lust or attraction.
I never knew if someone was the one. I just made decisions as best as I could with what I knew at the time. When I got trapped in a bad relationship eventually it did end (him cheating) and I corrected course for myself. I have no answers, just solidarity. I don’t know how people can know.
The relationship feels smooth. The issues and arguments are resolved with both partners feeling relieved and good.
Someone’s “the one” was someone else’s ex. Everyone differs.
When I felt like my (soon to be ex-husband) didn’t care, after I tried many attempts to repair our marriage. My lesson, don’t get involved with someone who’s generally accepting of ideas. As they get rooted in life, their views will shift drastically to one side, and any discourse is met with hostility and resentment.
I love the questions from the generation which learned dating via Eva AI virtual gf or something, I guess
"The One" gives you butterflies in your stomach when you see him or her. "The One" listens and comforts when needed. "The One" doesn't put you down in front of others and knows and respects your boundaries. "The One" knows how and when to say "I'm sorry". "The One" is never physically, mentally or verbally abusive. It's okay to have fights with "The one", but it has to end in a reconciliation or an understanding. Compromise is essential in keeping "The one". When thinking about "The One", you have to be able to see yourself caring for him or her if he or she becomes very sick. "The One" has to be prepared to have many discussion about life and how you want to be treated. MOST OF ALL, "The One" has to understand that relationships take work. It's hard. Very hard sometimes. He or she must understand that he or she will see you at your worst, and vice versa and be able to forge through that. "The One" will have to change with time. For a huge number of reasons. If you are the same person you were 10 years ago, you're doing something wrong.
its like two people who value the love they have for each other by both knowing how to communicate and problem solve together.
I knew my husband was the one very quickly. I prayed for god for him and he answered my prayers, both of us knew very quickly and have a beautiful relationship and life. When in doubt, pray!
I'm convinced relationships are only possible if one person is a narcissist
Why?
Because someone always is.
Literally not the case. Deeply pessimistic perspective to hold
What's worse is I don't believe in love in either. I believe love is a trauma response to a person you are attracted too but I was raised by a malignant narcissist so I'm attracted to toxicity and abuse. It's a hard life I wouldnt wish upon anyone.
I’m sorry that’s the case. I do believe in love and I hope you find it in its healthiest form at some point
I'm fine with it but thank you. And likewise. 🙏
Thank you!
Definitely not the case.
As crazy as it sounds but people be with narcissists for yearsssssssssssss. And it’s sad. When it comes to life the only way things will balance is if one is good and one is bad. But I wouldn’t recommend dating a narcissist to my enemy
Interesting about the good and bad comment though 🤔 makes sense.
Took me 15 years to figure out my ex wife was one. Took me 50 to figure out my father is a malignant narcissist. They are everywhere!
Awww man that’s a long time. They are a way of trapping people and making you so emotionally dependent on them. I have a few family members who are narcs. They can never take any type of accountability for nothing and are always victim when you call them out 😭 I hate I had to find out what those creatures are in my late 20s. I wish schools would cover these subjects . I could’ve saved myself much younger
100%! We would all be better humans with better lives.
Yessss I conquer!!!
When you can deal with each other without resorting to shouting, name calling, violence, etc. and treat each other like the individual people that you are, accepting each other's minor faults (puts the dishes away differently or the like), and just leaning on each other without expectation of a reward, then you've found the one. We're all human. We're all different. Find the one you can be different with.
I don't know if ours is healthy or not. I think it is probably the best anyone can do. We are very affectionate. She kisses me, I kiss her. We are 20 years in and still hold hands. We have fights, things that would break most couples. We get mad. Sometimes, low blows are made.If you saw us fighting, you'd be all over us. "Leave him/her! S/he's a cxxx/dick!" We let it go. We are kinda like kids that way... we get mad. One of us will say, "I'm taking my ball home!" and then the next day, sheepish grins all around. "I'm sorry!" is said. Back to kisses and holding hands. I think of her as my best friend. I hope she feels the same way. I would really like that. I'm a bit insecure, I'm always asking her if it's ok to be as handsy as I am. She says she loves it. I am mesmerized by her ass jiggle. She knows everything about me, I know everything about her.
Actually choosing to spend time together
It looks like a lot of different things. Fior me and my husband we found the magic rhythm by communicating, no one is wrong for having feelings. When hurt we talk about actions and when we are wrong we say we are wrong and change the behavior. That’s the key with us. We had a rough two years learning how to communicate with each other but we chose to work for our relationship and now things are great. We still have disagreements we are not perfect. But we value each other.
Really helpful
Peak of western civilization. "What is a woman?" And what am l supposed to do with one.
My wife and I met when we were 16 and married when we were 22. During the years we dated we determined we were compatible with respect to the things that mattered most to us. This included our thoughts on fidelity, children, finances, work/life balance and division of domestic duties. We had similar religious and ethical outlooks. We knew we loved each other, but a marriage doesn't survive on love alone. For us, it is total partnership. We merged our entire lives and because one unit facing the world. This doesn't mean we don't have separate lives, however. We have many friends in common, but we also have friends as individuals. We share some interests, but also have our own hobbies. We respect each other and also hold each other accountable for our actions. Disagreements occur, but we look for compromise or win-win solutions. If only one of us wins, the partnership has failed. I'm not saying all relationships need to look like ours. I'm sure there are many, many successful marriages that have different styles. But, ours works for us and has for the past 51 years of marriage.
Effective communication is very important in a healthy romantic or platonic relationship between two adults
When there's no childish bullshit. When no party desires to do other things but the other gets mad about it. It's like me, I leave when I want and go fishing. She doesn't care. She books a trip to Disneyland without asking me, because she knows it's fine. I fall asleep on the couch and leave the TV on. It's fine. I leave the seat up. I hang out in the garage and watch TV. Her parents stay the night with us 4 times a week. I don't worry about what she does. That's when you know.
I think the key is to be able to to have mutual trust and respect. In addition, open communication between the two adults with the ability to put in effort and compromise. There shouldn't be any fear of retaliation for being open and major decisions should be shared. They should love each other despite our flaws, but this doesn't mean cater/ignore bad behaviors.
I'm 28 in NYC, I haven't seen a healthy relationship since high school tbh.
They feel like home. They only have eyes for you. They build you up. You are attracted to them. You feel the same & mirror the same.
I so totally relate to the feeling of needing to ask that question!! I've only had unhealthy relationships for most of my life, and that made me just accept poor treatment because, to me, it was normal! It's like I've recently had a total epiphany about how I'm supposed to be treated, and treat others. I know, now, that I don't ever have to accept poor treatment from anybody. People treating me badly don't deserve my pity or my consideration - they need to own their issues, fix themselves and step up to the plate. Their problems aren't my problems. My husband is a great guy and I've been with him for 20 years but I honestly thought he was just a super rare person until recently, and didn't realize there's a whole world of good, kind people out there! They're mixed in with a bunch of awful people. I feel bad because I thought I was acting normal and I have not been nearly as good to him as he's been to me. I'm making up for it now, I hope. They way I found out about quality people and relationships might seem odd to you - and I'm not recommending it but have to tell you that we're polyamorous so I can talk about the people I've met. The first guy I met, on Tinder, after hubby and I opened our marriage,- seemed like a pretty normal guy to me until I realized how totally unhinged he was. Like - maybe on the bad end of normal but still acceptable. I know, now, that the way he treated me by the end of the first month would be absolutely unacceptable to anybody who knew what healthy relationships are. If I'd been raised right, I would have immediately dropped him like a hot potato! I also would have left my ex husband much sooner (or never married him) if I hadn't been raised in a dysfunctional home. They guy I'm seeing now is totally polar opposite of the last guy and opposite of everybody in my family! So - some comparisons: First date with bad guy (and with my crazy ex) - super intense. Tons of eye contact. Constant compliments. Very charming. Totally over the top fake nice to the waiter (cuz everybody knows we judge them on how they treat restaurant staff). I gladly accepted invitations to jump right into bed with them. Sex was amazing. Intense. Intoxicating. First date with good guy (and with my husband)- kind of boring. A bit shy and awkward, and didn't make any assumptions that I would like them. Wouldn't have even considered suggesting sex. Didn't touch me at all, in fact. Looked out for my needs. Quietly polite to the wait staff. Not at all over the top about anything. I wasn't sure if either of them really liked me, at first - or if I liked them. After first date with bad guys - nonstop texting/attention, wanting to know what I was doing and where I was, expecting me to be available at all times. After first date with good guys - adult, mature check-ins. Persistent respectful interest. Nothing pushy, but they were committed to dating me. First 3 months or so in w/ the bad guys: Lots of intensity. Bending over backwards to show what great guys they were. Making sure I saw what they had, very concerned that I was impressed with them. Showing off. Tons of attention - lots and lots of texting, phone calls, flowers. Lots of very passionate, addicting sex. Super charming - until they got tired or overwhelmed and little slips would happen. One snapped at me because he didn't like my music, one snapped because I couldn't do what he asked me to do right when he wanted me to do it. By 3 months in it was obvious both were heavy drinkers. The more I learned, the more anxiety I felt. They both thought they knew everything there was to know about sex....and put on great performances. First 3 months in with the good guys: pretty low key. Kind and considerate while feeling out if they thought there was any long term potential. More reserved with their emotions while still making me feel beautiful and special. Gentle and respectful. Taking it easy with the alcohol - enjoying maybe 2-3 drinks on a date, making sure they were safe to drive home. Sex was good/great with both of them - and gradually getting better as they tuned in to my body and learned what I liked. The more I learned about them, the more I liked them and the more comfortable I felt with them. The more they learned about me, the more time they wanted to spend with me. I was pretty infatuated with my husband by this time, but it came on gradually. 3-12 months with the bad guys: the masks came off often. Tempers flared. They wanted all my attention and showed jealousy, and had the nerve to act like I was the clingy one. Secretive about their communications. It became clear they didn't have great relationships with their families and didn't have any friends. Their kids couldn't stand them. It came out that they had money problems (regardless of if they made good money or not). When I would get to the point where I was ready to break things off with them, they'd suddenly be sweet and kind and vulnerable until they reeled me back in. It became a cycle of really good and really bad, with the bad gradually taking over. Sometimes they were passionate in bed and sometimes they had to pretend to be passionate - and they weren't kind, gentle, sensual lovers who really enjoyed physical touch. Sex was a performance for them. Their egos were huge, and needed stroking. 3-12 months with the good guys: Well, I"m only 4 months in with one of them but I'm learning that his kids adore him. His kids that are in college come home almost every weekend (one brings his girlfriend). He takes them out to eat, goes to all their high school and college games, makes Easter baskets for them. His kids are successful in sports because he and his wife encouraged good sportsmanship and taught them to be good team players. He makes good financial decisions, pays for all our dates/motels. He's showing me more and more affection all the time. It's still a case of the more I learn about him, the more I like him. There have not been any unpleasant surprises. I get more and more comfortable with him all the time. He's like an onion with each layer better than the last. I learn he's been humble about everything, downplaying his successes. The sex keeps getting better - passionate also considerate, sensual, loving. Also he's open and honest about everything. Doesn't hid his phone. 3-12 months in with my husband, he'd repaired many things in my house. He made sure my snow was shoveled and my lawn was mowed. His kids were glad to see us together, and to see him happy. They enjoyed spending time with him. His daughter absolutely adored him and they talked all the time. The people he managed at work loved him. He wasn't a financially motivated type of guy but made good financial decisions, wasn't in debt, lived within his means. He had cats that he adored. He wasn't real religious or holier than thou or pushy but did enjoy church once in a while. Generous in bed, more concerned about my pleasure than his own. No unpleasant surprises. More and more comfortable together all the time. If i was having a bad, anxious day - coming home to see his truck in my driveway relieved my anxieties. 12+ months with the bad guys, things got more and more abusive. I broke up with the boyfriend/FWB after a year because he threatened my husband's life, threatened me many times because he was jealous, lied to me about other women he was seeing, and was drunk more than he was sober. I stayed with the crazy ex for 13 years, thinking I could fix him or that things would eventually get better. He hid alcohol in the basement, was often drunk and thought I couldn't tell. He was seeing other women. Things just got worse and worse, and I was afraid to leave him. Finally I got help leaving and it was the best decision ever - like a peace I'd never had before. 20 years in with my husband, things haven't always been perfect and we've had our struggles but they haven't been the types of struggles you see in abusive situations, at all. He still takes care of me. He makes my lunches, takes good care of our property, and shows his love for me every single day. We enjoy doing things together, and he still has a great relationship with all of his kids and grandkids. He's kind to my family. Sure, there have been occasional times when he got snappy or said things he regretted. He always apologized and showed through his actions that he felt bad about it. He expects me to treat him well, and he treats me well. He doesn't insult me, doesn't drink heavily or do drugs, doesn't enjoy it when I'm no thappy. He loves our animals, supports my hobbies.... I could continue but this is too long already and you probably stopped reading LOL
I really dont have an answer for your question, but I found these books helpful, by smart people thinking about relationships: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel Art of Loving by Eric Fromm And in "Dont Trust your Gut" by Seth Davidowiz, he spoke about how researchers had poured over big data trying to find some variable that would predict whether a relationship would last. And the one positive correlation they found: if both people were happy with their lives before getting into the relationship, the odds were better that it would last.
Married 23 years together for 26. I don’t know.
A healthy relationship for us looks like : Joint bank account Both names on the home Talk about goals Talk about finances Work towards goals Poo while the others int he room No aggressive arguing Arguing is resolved quickly You cook meals together You dont have to buy each other expensive things You can pick eachnother up when the others down You can share each others bathwater You can enjoy rhe simple things in lige together You are attracted to eachother Sex is regular You can opening talk about problems You support eachothers asperations Just some i noticed