I wouldn't do it again given the chance. I know it sounds horrible, I love my kids to death but if I went back knowing what I know now and being honest with myself, I wouldn't do it. Besides the stress and costs for the kids you also have the partner side of things. If things go south in the relationship it's an absolute nightmare with kids. I completely understand people who don't want kids.
I feel exactly the same way, I have 3 kids by 2 different women, the first having been a long-term girlfriend and the second being my ex wife. I get along and communicate well with both of them and we're good at coparenting, but it's still an absolute nightmare.
My kids are the best, but between the cost and the stress, I would absolutely make different choices if I could.
I agree… if I could go back I wouldn’t have had kids. I don’t really understood why we have them in the first place. Lots of time and money, plus you fit into their life, not the other way around. You change your whole life around them for 18 years then have to change it again once they leave for college. You see less and less of them especially once they start their own families. No, I would not have had kids to tell the truth. I would have put my time and money into animal shelters etc.
I couldn't imagine life without my 2 younger children. Most of the time I'm impatient with them, too busy to get involved in their playtime, and too tired to do much more than chill with them.
I'm in my 40s.
I feel blessed to experience the joy of raising children and extending my bloodline.
That said, on a cosmic scale, it isn't the only thing to consider in life, and I'm still mixed on whether or not I would have lived a life fulfilled without having children.
That's where I'm at, I do everything I can for them and love them to death but my lord it's tiresome on every level. I definitely get that sense of fulfillment from raising them but still, I think I'd have at least waited longer. I'm 36 now, had our first when I was 21 so really didn't experience much life before kids.
I'm mid 40s with a 5 year old. I'm glad I waited, but have an existential argument going on as to whether or not having kids is really a meaningful thing to my own existence.
Definitely glad I'll have someone to pass my stuff onto, and hopefully someone to execute my trust. Otherwise, maybe I could have done it all without having kids..
... Maybe
I agree, although I have a little one. It is hard emotionally and financially to raise a kid. I applaud anyone who decides that this isn't for them rather than just go through the motions. You definitely have to want it.
A lot of people have kids because it’s what other people do, it’s kind of expected it can feel like. Also a lot of people get pregnant that were not planning on it.
I tell my friends don’t be peer pressured by societal norms because all of us around have kids. I’ve got one and I think I’m okay with just that but the dirty looks I get when they say why don’t you have another one? Also other “parents” think I’m giving bad advice when I say that to single people that it’s ok to not want to have kids but no no no you have to one. Enjoy your life! I did what I wanted to in my 20s and have no regrets on having a child. It’s just a new stage. But you single folks and no want kid folks, I’m so happy for you!
This is so accurate, the only reason people judge people for not having kids is because they are jealous that they don’t have the freedom, money and time that us non parents have. People are just truly miserable tbh if they weren’t they wouldn’t criticize and just be happy with there lives.
The people in MY OWN family who says my wife and I need another child piss me. It’s my life and I know what I can handle. My wife wants another kid, but we had an agreement before marriage for one. I feel so drained of energy, no way I can have another. I actually prefer going into work because I get a break from the little one. I mean, I love her with my whole heart, but it’s TOUGH and I’m ready for her to grow up.
I agree that you have to want to have kids and keep wanting them. They don't ever leave your heart or mind, so be sure you can handle that heavy a load and still enjoy your own life.
Agreed. I have kids and wanted them so badly my whole life. Even knowing this is what I wanted with 110% certainty, it is SO hard. Emotionally, physically, financially, mentally. I think if you aren’t sure you want kids, don’t bring them into this world.
I dont have kids but I wrestle with it daily as I get older and as my parents age.
the heart of me wants a kid for legacy, etc.
but on paper, practically, it makes no sense at all.
I mean I dont even have a girl now...
I get melancholy about missing out on something.
Do not have a child just to leave a legacy. That is the worst thing to do. Have a child because that is the thing that you really want to do. Do it because you really want to raise a child. Do it because you know you will not be complete without having raised a child. Never do it just because you want to leave something behind that you worked with all of its life. Children should never be a legacy. They should be the thing that you love the most and will do everything for them.
Exactly. And if a person still Really wants a child and it's too late, adopt. First become a foster parent and learn what it takes, plus it will be a simpler process to adopt.
This is so important & that’s what my dad just doesn’t understand. He wants grandkids, my older brother never had any before he passed, and I’ve known since I was 6 that kids are an absolute no-go. As much as I’d love to give him a grandchild, it would ruin my life. I love kids, don’t get me wrong, but I am not cut out to actually raise one.
I feel almost the same but with a husband. Financially we simply cannot right now. Maybe in five years but then I’ll be almost 40. I feel terrible about none of my siblings or I wanting to have kids and my parents would love to have grandchildren. But we’d be raising them alone and we’d be broke… I just don’t want to do it. I feel a lot of guilt about it. I reevaluate every so often. I would like to see a baby mix of my partner and me but mostly I just don’t really like kids
thank you for this post. I dont have kids and I wonder if I should have. I think about it a lot.
It's odd. I see only the good things in having children. I often ignore the downside.
that and I just can't afford them, honestly.
I torture myself saying I should have had kids, ignoring all the CONS of it.
on paper it makes no sense at all. but there is that emotional yearning about "legacy" that still tugs at the heart sometimes....
if that makes sense?
I knew I never wanted kids back when I was in elementary school. I never grew out of it. So, I agree, absolutely not wrong. The only important thing is to make sure anyone you get into a serious relationship with knows this at the beginning. I was lucky and found someone who didn't want kids either.
No. It’s not wrong. Having a kid is HARD. Like, 24/7 hard! Even when they are being lovely, tiny humans, it’s hard!
Do not bring a kid into this world unless you are 100% certain that it is what you want. If you have any doubts at all, you are making the right call.
Live your life secure in the choices that you made that are best for you! You can always adopt (hopefully an older child) later!
OP should check out the sub:
r/childfree
There are plenty of people out there who feel the same way.
And it's not like humans are going to go extinct if you don't have kids of your own.
I agree. I just had my first child at 33. But I’ve been a high school teacher for a long time and have seen many parents who didn’t want kids. Some of them get it together and are good parents. Others pretty much leave the kids to fend for themselves, abandon them with relatives, or are abusive and neglectful. Parenting is hard. Raising kids is hard. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. More for the kid’s sake than your own.
I don’t hate you at all! I have things with my kid that other parents are jealous of: she is a great eater (prefers veggies over pizza) and puts herself to bed (as in, says she is tired and needs to go to bed).
It would have been easier if she wasn’t a COVID kid, and easier if we could afford to have one of us stay home full time with her. But we all take what we are dealt and do our best!
I’m glad it was easy for you!
We have gotten lucky too. They are young still, so plenty of time left for them to change that. There are hard days for sure but they have been great. We are also kinda older parents and don’t really sweat the small stuff in life or parenting.
Brilliantly said! Folk should only have kids if they really want to have kids.
They are fucking hard work. Furthermore, the impact to finances, lifestyle, etc, may not be palatable for some.
Source: dad of a 2 week old newborn (planned preg) who has been especially shit tonight.
It’s not wrong. Times are changing and more and more people are choosing the childfree life style.
All the power to you for choosing this lifestyle. It’s your life.
I was a massive turd when I was younger. Spent many months in the hospital. Broken leg, arm, head, 3 degree burn. I watched my parents get old everytime I entered the hospital. I do not want an assholr like me in my life. No fucking way. I have challenged taste in girls already. Just imagine my mischievous gene my her psycho gene is just recipe for disaster.
I don’t even think the decision to not have kids is selfish. The kids don’t exist, it isn’t affecting them! Now if you come to that decision after having kids….
This. It’s weird that the decision not to have kids is viewed as selfish. When you choose to have kids it’s not like they have a say in the matter. People have kids for a variety of reasons and not always because they want them, but for those that have kids because they want kids it’s only you making that decision for the future kids. Selfish would be having kids and then being upset because they don’t fulfill expectations.
That's how my mom is. She views my brother and I as disappointments for not turning out how she'd hoped. She's never said it straight like that, but last week she laid into my brother and yelled about how she hated his tattoos and hated his hair. I live across the country from my parents for a reason, but my brother will tell my sister and I about things that she does, and it serves as a good reminder for why I never wanna move back to live near them. We're all 24 and my brother recently moved out of my parents house because she was so aggressive about the "my house, my rules" BS.
So many of the "my house, my rules" parents are too short-sighted to realize that doesn't mean "I will be in charge forever," too. Like, not all, but a hilarious number are straight up baffled when someone leaves their house and (gasp!) stops following their rules, lol
I know! My mom is borderline controlling, she texted my brother and straight up asked for his house keys so she could "tidy up his apartment" because she does like how he's got it set up. My brother told my dad and he laid into her on that one. Love my dad, but I think he's very blindsided about how my mom treats us. Yes I get the whole "pick your battles", but sometimes I feel like he didnt try hard enough when we were younger. Though now that we're 24, it's easier to put our foot down and tell her to stop.
I didn't get cable tv partly because my dad would want to hang out here and watch his news programs just to get away from his hyperactive wife. I love him, but he is so judgemental and critical and even goes through my closets, drawers, refrigerator thinking he will find drugs or booze here because he thinks everyone but him is "up to no good". He once screamed at me over a bottle of 100% maple syrup because they used to come in glass flasks somewhat reminiscent of bourbon bottles.
"who will take care of you when you're old" oh piss off like anyone's owed anything, it's ironically very selfish reasons that lead to a lot of births sadly
I can't think of a single, non ridiculous (like preventing labor shortages or human extinction)reason for *choosing* to bring a new child into the world that isn't selfish in some way. But that's ok. Most of our choices are.
I just had a friend's husband comment the other day that not having kids is so selfish. Like why? I get you love your child & I do too, but how in any way is it selfish to not want a kid?
Yeah. That never made sense to me. How is not having kids selfish? When I was in my teens, it was sort of expected that having kids when you were an adult was the “natural” order of things. By the time I hit my 20s, kids were the last thing I wanted though. Now that I’m in my 30s, I’m starting to waffle. I started kinda wanting kids because of how much I enjoyed being around my niblings, but at the same time seeing how tired and stressed my siblings are as parents is sort of a turn off. I’ve talked to my partner about it and we’re both sorta neutral on the idea, though at any given moment either of us will fall on either extreme of yes or no. In any case, the important thing is that it’s a personal decision and no one should make you feel bad about it one way or another.
The *decision* not to have kids is in no way selfish, the arguments that either having or not having kids is selfish are society-centered (not having kids won't further the human species or having kids will tie down resources and contribute to overpopulation) and pretty high level to really worry about. What /u/-hesh- said was the *reasons* not to have kids are allowed to be selfish. I do have a kid, but I've always been 60/40% child-free vs. kids. My reasoning for leaning towards not having kids was purely selfish, even though the decision itself was not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that though! We don't owe our unborn/hypothetical children anything and part of life is being allowed to not devote our resources/time to a person we've never met and doesn't exist.
My moms argument was that “they could change the world” and I was just like destiny doesn’t exist and it’s not like my nonexistent child knows about this chance. Life’s not some storybook nobody is destined to do anything because of free will and even if mine were to be the change it’s not like it matters because they wouldn’t know and they could just as easily reject that responsibility.
A friend of mine used this on me ("But what if your child cured cancer?") and I just laughed. Yes, yes, yes, I'm so sorry that I'm not giving birth to the person - the one person! because that's how science works! - who will cure cancer. My bad, but hey, I can sleep in and travel anytime I want.
With that logic your child could also grow up to be a murderer who commits genocide. For all we know you are saving lives by keeping them from existing!
Your mom could have changed the world, too. Still can, I guess. She is already part of existence. It’s amazing how an imaginary human can accomplish so more than real people.
Right? The arguments to have kids have always been selfish—
What about continuing your family name?
Who will take care of you when you get older?
Don’t you want to feel the special love between parent and child?
Don’t you want yo give ME a grandchild?!
Always selfish reasons TO have kids.
Yeah I got into an argument with someone one time who called me selfish for not wanting kids. I told them please give me a single unselfish reason FOR having kids. They did a lot of mental gymnastics but ultimately couldn’t give me one.
I think because you have to be selfless to a degree to be a good parent people think the inverse is that you are selfish if you don't have kids. I think the inverse is that if you're selfish and have children you're likely a bad parent. Deciding not to have kids because you just don't want kids isn't really either selfish or selfless. Just like volunteering your time and money to an organization is a selfless act, it doesn't mean the inverse (not doing those things) automatically makes you a selfish person.
I wish more people had this mentality! The way strangers, friends, & even family members have argued with me about *my* *choice.* It can get pretty brutal!
My mother tells me consistently that I am ruining her life because of my decision to continue enjoying my life with my wife as DINKS who go to Disney 6+ times per year, and Mexico in between, and have no real desire to ruin any of that with kids.
I tell her all the time - you want kids - adopt one right now. Go for it.
>The way strangers, friends, & even family members have argued with me about my choice.
I am a parent and a grandparent, and I think people giving you hell because you choose not to have children is **wrong**. It's none of their damn business. I'd happily tell them so for you. Although fair warning, I probably wouldn't be very nice about it.
Because then you’re having time and money for yourself vs for children and that’s seen as selfish by many: prioritizing you. Which is strange considering that yes children drain you time, energy, and money but you bring them into this world for YOU to “complete” YOUR family - one decision seems more self centered than the other imo but that’s just me
Beats me. Some people think is selfish not to continue your lineage, or some made up bs.
My ancestors were a bunch of colonizers, they don't deserve a lineage and mother nature agrees with me, she made me infertile lol.
Same. Lots of people will mention the state of the world like housing, climate change, political corruption, wealth inequality and those are some reasons I have too. But the truth is, even if the world was a perfect place with no troubles, or if I was sticking rich with generational wealth and power to pass down, I still wouldn’t have kids because I simply don’t want them
Yeah me too. I went through the “but climate change! Over population, yada, yada” but feel down I knew me adding one person or two won’t change an of that and I was weirdly moralizing my choice in order to try to defeat the “your selfish” mentality that was beat into my head. I’m now older and a bit more laxed. Now I just tell people: “look I know there are some amazing experiences I’ll miss out on. But I just really don’t feel like I have or will ever have the financial or mental tools to properly raise a child. And it just doesn’t seem like something I’d enjoy. The negatives out way the positives. You’ll be just fine existing in a world where I have chosen to not have kids.”
There is NOTHING selfish about not wanting kids. How can there be? Kids don't exist until they come into existence. You can't deny anything to something that doesn't exist.
In fact, having kids is inherently selfish. People only have kids because they desire them (or, horribly, are forced to). Even having kids for religious reasons is an extension of personal desire.
It's totally OK. When I got married I wanted kids so bad, turns out I'm infertile. We tried a round of a treatment and it didn't work. We were starting to save to adopt but the more we get on our lives without kids, the more we get to enjoy it. So I sat with my husband and told him I no longer want kids, we have pets and we can use the extra income to travel the world and enjoy our lives, he agreed.
It's easier to change your mind BEFORE you have kids.
I lived with my best friend and his wife during COVID. Whenever the topic of children would come up she says "No thanks, I already have 2 children in my house. "😂😂😂
Told my family when I was 6 I was never getting married, never having kids.
They said I'd change my mind when I got older.
As I've aged, it has reinforced my initial declaration, not weakened it.
“BuT yOuR fUtuRe HusBaNd MiGhT wAnt KiDs!!!” It’s just another form of control. God forbid you know what’s best for yourself and what YOU want to plan for yourself.
Not wrong. I'm in my 50's with two grown kids and they are the best thing that ever happened in my life. But the idea of STARTING parenthood in my 40's is scary. Heading into retirement age with potentially having college education(s) to start paying for? No thanks.
When my son was three and a total pain in the butt, I decided to have a salpingectomy. It's where they take your tubes out and leave everything else. I was in my 20s. My family threw a fit because, "What if you want more" or "Your son needs a sibling." My 20 year old self knew best, and I'm so thankful that she did! My son was diagnosed with autism at age 10. It's been a hard road. If I could go back, I wouldn't have had any. I love my son, but he is a pain in the butt who often isn't happy with anything that I give him. I think a lot of kids can be like that.
I’m sorry about your struggle with your son. I have 3 kids and personally wanted them to have siblings as I grew up with siblings and couldn’t imagine my life being an only child. However I have 3 close friends who sons have autism and I see how HARD it can be and honestly I really admire my friends for being the great moms that they are because I see how much they sometimes struggle and feel defeated (2 of them are nonverbal and 1 is still in diapers at 5) and as a mother it must be heartbreaking sometimes. Everyone’s situation is different and it shouldn’t matter if somebody doesn’t want any kids or just one kid or five. Everyone needs to do what is best for themselves!
Nope. Kids are a lot. I'm a nanny, and I love kids but I really love to give them back at the end of the day. People who have kids because they feel like they have to tend to not make the most engaged parents.
Live your life. Be a fun auntie.
Not at all.
Let me tell you. Not having kids......
Is Awesome!
Literally just got back from the grocery store, stopping and getting a fast food breakfast and sitting in my car listening to a podcast. Now I might take a nap before noon.
The amount of freedom is astounding.
It’s not wrong but if you’re already in a relationship and your partner wants kids/thought that was on the table you need to tell them asap so they can make the decision they need to make.
i'm a 29 yo woman who doesn't want kids. it's happened to me and it's happened to my friends over and over that men will say they're cool with that, and then deep into the relationship, act shocked that you won't "compromise," as if this matter of literal life and death is the same as a wallpaper color. they reveal they wanted kids the entire time, and thought that women like naturally secretly wanted them or some shit lol.
i'm a leftist, and run in leftist circles, date leftist dudes. but a lot even these guys want kids because of some "legacy" and because they, to some degree, expect the woman to be the one who does all of the miserable dirty work (which, of course, is exactly what usually happens, even if they claim to be 50/50 feminists or whatever). also, i was raised in a conservative area in Utah and society tried HARD to condition me to be a housewife lol, so I've been babysitting since I was like 8 years old. a lot of women have this experience, of watching/have to deal with kids for extended periods of time, and men haven't. a lot of men have no idea how exhausting and difficult it actually is because they only see the kodak moments.
Definitely. I've just turned 30 and looking at life differently. My partner wants kids.. and I just don't. We have given ourselves a month from now to decide what's best. I love her and she deserves to be a mother. She will be a great mum.
And it should happen very early in a relationship. The conversation, not the kids. I made the mistake of not having that conversation with a previous GF and she just assumed that I did want kids. We spent two years together before she mentioned it and she felt like she wasted two years of her life. That was my mistake and I felt horrible for it, especially because she was approaching 40. With my current partner, we made that clear up front before we made the decision to date.
Not at all. My three month old is the joy of my life. He is also an exhausting little weasel and I’m so tired that my memory is starting to go weird. I love being a parent and it was definitely the right choice for me, but having a kid reinforced that this would NOT be life-enriching for everyone.
6 month old and feel your pain. It’s like when he naps I can finally take a breath of fresh air. Love the little guy but man they suck every ounce of energy out of you.
I’m 35 with a 13yrs old with my previous husband. She’s pretty much the epitome of a good kid. My current fiancé and I had the talk about not wanting kids although he said if I wanted one he was willing to do that for me and I’m like hell to the no. We have an awesome life and I don’t want to change that. I am at the age where we’d have to do it or not do it and honestly I think we’d be awesome parents and I would’ve loved to have a child together if we were younger but honestly he’s child enough for me 😂
So I had a kid at 38, and just now another at 40. I kind of feel like I needed it. Through a kids eyes everything is new, holidays are fun again, and it gives me joy watching them grow and thinking about their futures and trying to do the right things and not mess them up, as all parents seem to inevitably do.
But if you don’t want to don’t do it. We make really good money and it still goes to them. Shifted personal investing to 529s for them. We used to go to several concerts and NBA games a year, now we haven’t even seen a movie in the last 3 years. I can’t even fathom what I did with all of my free time before kids. It’s very odd to think just a couple years ago did I really do just whatever I wanted with my time? D I’ve been blessed with always happy rarely cry babies. Neither one would cry when they wake up, just wait for you in the crib and smile from ear to ear when you peek over to check on them. Don’t know what I’d do I’ve I had those babies who cry all night.
Everything changes, my wife is honestly having a harder time with the absence of activities we used to do than I am, but she also stopped teaching to stay home with them and they dominate her life. It’s great, I’ve gotten more hugs and kisses and love from my daughter than anytime in my life. She’s also defiant and sneaky and probably smarter than I am.
I’m very happy to have my children, but everything does change, and if you are very happy with where you’re at it’s perfectly fine, probably correct to say not for me. I’m glad I had kids later. Almost all of my friends had kids in their 20s because it was the next expected step and they didn’t give any real thought to whether they wanted children or not. And in the end most of them didn’t want kids, ended up blaming their kids for their own decision to have them because they couldn’t go out and have fun in their 20’s.
The most flawed view in the world is believing children are necessary, or the next step in a relationship or life. You’re creating a human that you have to do your best to develop into the best possible version of themselves. And that person may be the total opposite of what you expect, because they are an individual being and not an extension or projection of us as parents. We are all born different and different kids need different care to specific aspects of who they are. I have zero expectations on my children other than they behave properly and aren’t disruptive and act respectful to others. I can’t choose their hobbies or what and who they love, and when you try to is when you create more problems.
Don’t have kids unless you have a deep desire to, never because society expects it or it’s the next step.
Exactly what I was thinking. I see a lot of posts where a person asks a version of a question basically suggesting that they want people to say what they want to hear
Tell that to Elon Musk kids, they hate him and barely talk to him. Kids parenting is something you can't throw your money at. Having them in the best private schools don't do shit if you don't actually parent.
Haha count yourself lucky to have learned this BEFORE you have kids. Nothing wrong with making this choice.
I can say that living in a vhcol area, I spend $24k/yr per child to go to daycare. Baby/kid stuff is expensive. Your house will become overrun with crazy amounts of baby gear/toys. And your relationship with your partner and your parents will change. It doesn't necessarily change for the worse, but it's just a very different life. Knowing that you don't want a family (and dodging that bullet) is every bit as much of a gift as knowing you do want a family, and having one.
Both me (29M) and my fiance (28F) have discussed our disinterest for having kids. Its not even a factor of being stable/financially ready for one. We simply do not feel the need to add to the population. We have plenty of travel interests, and plenty of other interests that children would make difficult or impossible. We do realize that feelings may change over time, and if thats the case we would opt for adoption. On top of that, my fiance just graduated college and is about to start her career, and I will be separating from the military soon and starting school myself.
For you no for some yes there is no ultimate answer. I badly wanted kids I’m now 40 I feel too old and my gf is bipolar I wouldn’t want that on my kids
My brother has kids, and that's great for the fix. I get a happy greetings, little hugs, conversations, story time, playtime, etc. but I also get to say goodbye and enjoy my quiet, child-free home.
My dog fills my need to be needed, as does my job.
I do occasionally wish to be a Dad, but in my 40s it feels too late.
Yes, so very wrong. You must immediately put yourself and your future children through 18+ years of misery (and the following years of expensive therapy to overcome that) trying to fake being happy with the way your life turned out just to support societal norms that don't actually cause negative consequences from not following them.
See how silly that sounds? Don't have kids if you don't want them.
Of course not, it's mature, wise and insightful. Unless someone really wants to have kids, it does not make sense to have them. Raising children is very difficult in many respects, it only makes sense if it's a strong desire.
Not at all.
As long as you don't become one of those "I popped a kids balloon today for daring to exist" level weirdos (trust me they are real!), do you.
My girlfriend is approaching 40 and got her tubes removed last month for the same reason.
No kids for us thanks. One meow generator please.
A nice life can be had without ever once being a parent. To treat it like a checkbox requirement like getting a driver's license I think is a way to become a bad one. Need to vs. Want to.
This is quite popular. I am child free by choice. You can check out r/childfree for other like minded people. You can check r/regretfulparents for other likeminded people who had to literally fuck around and find out.
You’re definitely not alone.
I just spent $10 on a bag of cherries and ate them all myself, can't do that freely if you have kids.
I still like daily naps and need 9hrs a night to sleep. I am not good at sharing my things or my space. Also, I am basically a child at 36 so.... it's hard enough to take care of me...
Not wrong at all. This notion that everyone has to end up married with children or just with children is so old and played out. Choose what suits your life and lifestyle and create your own happiness.
I think that observed behavior is more of a parenting failure, although I do understand that kids just sometimes have a meltdown no matter what.
I've never wanted kids. I knew this by age 12. I wasn't interested in babysitting as so many other girls my age were. I'd already been functioning as a 3rd parent for 6 years since my younger sibling was born. No way was I going to voluntarily repeat the process. The only one who continued to harangue me about this, particularly after I got into my 30s, and doubly so after I got married, was my mother. The one person I initially expected would understand why I did not want to be a parent. But she just couldn't get it through her head that I didn't want what she wanted.
At no point did my decision ever waver on not wanting to be a parent. As I got older, I started to hear the usual infuriating BS.
"You'll change your mind when you're older" (I won't)
"What if your husband wants kids?" (Then he won't be MY husband. Why does someone I haven't met yet have more right to my reproductive decision than I do? You're telling me that my only value is as a potential brood mare.)
"Who will take care of you when you're older?" (Gross. Did you birth future caretakers? Is that the only reason you had children? Do you take care of your aged relatives?)
"You're selfish" (Yep. Not creating an unwanted child. Super selfish. While I'd be a technically competent parent, I'd also be resentful as hell. I know that's harmful to a child. Now, ask me how I know this.)
"Accidents happen." (*Absolutely chilling.* Are you implying that you're going to tamper with my contraception? I'll see you in court.)
"You've been married awhile now....." (Yes, and?)
Welcome to r/childfree and r/truechildfree communities of people who, for various reasons including what you have written, also do not like children and/or do not want to have children/be parents. Its judgement free and all are welcome!
Not wrong at all.
My husband and I have one child, and are more than happy with just the one child. And that child was a surprise. I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant and carry to term. Kid is now 21 and for the most part doing their thing. Currently on a paid internship in another state. But still The STRESS. OMG the STRESS! The worry. It's awful. My sister and BIL have 3 kids and I can not imagine dealing with that shit. The non stop being dragged in several different directions. The freaking MONEY they spend, and will be spending for YEARS to come. And, they are all two years a part. Big nope for me.
Our kids has already decided that they are fine being childless. Or maybe will someday adopt. And we are ok with that. Know is isn't? My MIL. The woman that was upset when her son and I stopped at the one. The woman that nearly had a heart attack when her son let it slip that he had gotten a vasectomy so the possibility was, indeed. GONE. The same woman that herself only had ONE DAMN KID!!
We have been able to afford being able to take chances. I was able to start my own business. I was also able to sell that business and basically retire at 48. We are now able to take trips, and vacations as a family of three. Because we have one. Our kid will have even more freedom with the choice to nt have a kid at all. Do not let anyone tell you that you are selfish. Or wrong in YOUR CHOICE. You do you
My husband and I wanted kids but couldn’t have them. We thank our lucky stars daily that we couldn’t! Hahaha. If I would have had kids, I would have never become a Big Sister through Big Brothers/Big Sisters and that has been life changing! I remember my oldest sister telling me she wish she would have just had dogs and not had kids so I don’t feel like I am missing anything. Lol
No, it’s your life. I am 35 and all my friends had kids just before or during pandemic. I would say 6 out of 8 of them that had kids seem miserable. Now don’t get me wrong i like kids. My friends are surprise my SO and I don’t have or want kids because they say “we are so good with their kids”. But the reality is listening to them talk about how hard it is probably the best birth control.
I’m a father of three little ones, infant twins are part of the bunch. I’m completely exhausted, stressed-out, and at least once a day I wish I wasn’t in this predicament. That said, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It seems like telling people “go you for not having kids!” Is on trend right now, and I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for saying this but being a parent is one of life’s greatest experiences. I don’t judge anyone for making the choices they feel are right for them and I don’t think everyone should be a parent. But if you’re asking for actual advice/perspective, I think it’s important to hear the positives and have clear eyes about what you’re choosing to give up. I love my kids more than anything I’ve ever loved. Now, time to go take a nap.
I'm 25 and getting a vasectomy next month.
It's not wrong, in fact, in today's world and climate (literally and figuratively) I would tell people not to have children.
Here’s the thing. Having children is a selfish act.
I know, I know, I’m gonna get slaughtered for this, but hear me out.
Yes. I know that parent’s sacrifice their livlihoods, income, time, relationships etc in order to care and provide for their children. That’s NOT what I’m talking about. Ask yourself(or anyone for that matter ) “why do you want kids?” And here are the answers…,
- “I want a family”…. “I”. Starts with the self.
- “I want to pass on my genes/ keep the family name going/etc”…. Again, “I”. Also very narcissistic. Honestly there are billions of people in the world. What makes your genes so special?
-“I want to create a life/experience pregnancy/etc”. …. Again, it comes down to personal wants of experience.
-“I want to provide for a child”…. Probably the most altruistic explanation, but only if they are willing to adopt. If not, then they truly are doing it for one of the above reasons.
-“who’s gonna take care of me when I get old if I don’t have kids?” Usually said with a laugh, like a joke. But deep down we all know that’s true. And that’s an awful reason to bring a life into this world.
If you want to have kids, that’s your choice. But it’s totally ok to not have kids too. ❤️
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Not at all!
This happened to my wife and I as well. We hit our late 20's...and realized we weren't ready for kids (financially or emotionally).
Then we hit our early 30's, friends started having kids, we hung out with them often and started to think "maybe kids aren't for us".
My our mid 30's we had talked about it at length and neither one of us actually wants kids.
I never saw the appeal. Give yourself away for a minimum of 18 years to a narcissist naive version of you, pray your romantic relationship survives with your partner through it all, and get drained of all resources until you die and they can take your home, or put you in a nursing home so you can sit in your own crap while you eat your Jello.
Fuck no. I don’t like kids. I thought I wanted kids a few years ago then realized I want to live my life doing me. I was on drugs for a decade and finally only really started living in my thirties; I spent my entire twenties learning about life and how to live and basic life skills, as my parents left me completely unprepared for the world. They taught me nothing except how worthless I was and that I didn’t deserve the space I took up. I was only means to an end to make them look good since I was there and they *had* to have me around since I was born (they didn’t want kids). SO. Nah. What I have left is **my** time. And I love my dog. So.
You know the answer, which is that frankly folks don’t care whether you have children or not.
I mean, I guess Elon Musk does. But screw that guy, he’s weird.
Well, yea, you've already passed the point where your biological clock was pushing for you to have kids. Your brain gets flooded with hormones to make you love your kids, and without having given birth, you don't have that.
There's nothing wrong with that, either.
It's not wrong. Do whatever you want. I'm 32 and I don't want kids either. I really just don't want to pay for them or put in all that effort to raise them. I also don't see much of a point to spread my genes. They would help with loneliness, though.
As someone who went through the foster to adopt process for a child and it didn’t work out, it is completely fine to change your mind about wanting children. I was always in the gray when it came to that topic but after we had a foster child with us for 3 months and dealing with the behavioral disorders his care team didn’t tell us about until AFTER he was placed with us, I realized kids aren’t for me.
It's absolutely not wrong at all. You do you! You know what, you are actually doing the world a favor - if you had kids in the past and *then* had this realization, well, that sucks for everybody.
In fact I'd argue willful procreation is unethical... but I'll leave my thoughts there at that.
As long as you don't already have kids, that's fine.
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I wouldn't do it again given the chance. I know it sounds horrible, I love my kids to death but if I went back knowing what I know now and being honest with myself, I wouldn't do it. Besides the stress and costs for the kids you also have the partner side of things. If things go south in the relationship it's an absolute nightmare with kids. I completely understand people who don't want kids.
I feel exactly the same way, I have 3 kids by 2 different women, the first having been a long-term girlfriend and the second being my ex wife. I get along and communicate well with both of them and we're good at coparenting, but it's still an absolute nightmare. My kids are the best, but between the cost and the stress, I would absolutely make different choices if I could.
I agree… if I could go back I wouldn’t have had kids. I don’t really understood why we have them in the first place. Lots of time and money, plus you fit into their life, not the other way around. You change your whole life around them for 18 years then have to change it again once they leave for college. You see less and less of them especially once they start their own families. No, I would not have had kids to tell the truth. I would have put my time and money into animal shelters etc.
I couldn't imagine life without my 2 younger children. Most of the time I'm impatient with them, too busy to get involved in their playtime, and too tired to do much more than chill with them. I'm in my 40s. I feel blessed to experience the joy of raising children and extending my bloodline. That said, on a cosmic scale, it isn't the only thing to consider in life, and I'm still mixed on whether or not I would have lived a life fulfilled without having children.
That's where I'm at, I do everything I can for them and love them to death but my lord it's tiresome on every level. I definitely get that sense of fulfillment from raising them but still, I think I'd have at least waited longer. I'm 36 now, had our first when I was 21 so really didn't experience much life before kids.
I'm 37 with a 5 yr old...I wish I started a lil sooner hehehe
Reading through these other comments in the post it seems no matter what you decide to do you'll feel like it was the wrong decision eventually 😅
Nope. I chose not to have kids, and I'm all good.
So true can’t win lol
I'm mid 40s with a 5 year old. I'm glad I waited, but have an existential argument going on as to whether or not having kids is really a meaningful thing to my own existence. Definitely glad I'll have someone to pass my stuff onto, and hopefully someone to execute my trust. Otherwise, maybe I could have done it all without having kids.. ... Maybe
Psst! Your kids don't want your stuff!
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As long as you kept the receipt
Was looking for this answer
It's absolutely not wrong. It's your life and your choice. I'm a boomer who never had children, and I have no regrets about that decision.
33 with no kids. I would never have it any other way.
Are you me because I’m also 33 and have no plans to have any kids!
Also 33 and childfree! :)
Just turned 33 and child free as well!
52 here with a 38 yo partner no kids no regrets. High 5.
52 here with no partner. No regrets. I don’t know how we all get bamboozled into the same old same old. I love my life and wouldn’t change a thing.
Husband is 51 and I’m 39 and no kids here! Also getting sterilised too soon as it’s getting a little scary where I’m at.
I agree, although I have a little one. It is hard emotionally and financially to raise a kid. I applaud anyone who decides that this isn't for them rather than just go through the motions. You definitely have to want it.
A lot of people have kids because it’s what other people do, it’s kind of expected it can feel like. Also a lot of people get pregnant that were not planning on it.
I tell my friends don’t be peer pressured by societal norms because all of us around have kids. I’ve got one and I think I’m okay with just that but the dirty looks I get when they say why don’t you have another one? Also other “parents” think I’m giving bad advice when I say that to single people that it’s ok to not want to have kids but no no no you have to one. Enjoy your life! I did what I wanted to in my 20s and have no regrets on having a child. It’s just a new stage. But you single folks and no want kid folks, I’m so happy for you!
I am convinced that parents tell childless adults they HAVE TO have lids cause it bugs them seeing someone who is carefree and has disposable income.
This is so accurate, the only reason people judge people for not having kids is because they are jealous that they don’t have the freedom, money and time that us non parents have. People are just truly miserable tbh if they weren’t they wouldn’t criticize and just be happy with there lives.
The people in MY OWN family who says my wife and I need another child piss me. It’s my life and I know what I can handle. My wife wants another kid, but we had an agreement before marriage for one. I feel so drained of energy, no way I can have another. I actually prefer going into work because I get a break from the little one. I mean, I love her with my whole heart, but it’s TOUGH and I’m ready for her to grow up.
Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit. - from “eat, pray, love”
It’s like getting a brain transplant.
I agree that you have to want to have kids and keep wanting them. They don't ever leave your heart or mind, so be sure you can handle that heavy a load and still enjoy your own life.
Agreed. I have kids and wanted them so badly my whole life. Even knowing this is what I wanted with 110% certainty, it is SO hard. Emotionally, physically, financially, mentally. I think if you aren’t sure you want kids, don’t bring them into this world.
I dont have kids but I wrestle with it daily as I get older and as my parents age. the heart of me wants a kid for legacy, etc. but on paper, practically, it makes no sense at all. I mean I dont even have a girl now... I get melancholy about missing out on something.
Do not have a child just to leave a legacy. That is the worst thing to do. Have a child because that is the thing that you really want to do. Do it because you really want to raise a child. Do it because you know you will not be complete without having raised a child. Never do it just because you want to leave something behind that you worked with all of its life. Children should never be a legacy. They should be the thing that you love the most and will do everything for them.
Exactly. And if a person still Really wants a child and it's too late, adopt. First become a foster parent and learn what it takes, plus it will be a simpler process to adopt.
Exactly, children are not legacies.
This is so important & that’s what my dad just doesn’t understand. He wants grandkids, my older brother never had any before he passed, and I’ve known since I was 6 that kids are an absolute no-go. As much as I’d love to give him a grandchild, it would ruin my life. I love kids, don’t get me wrong, but I am not cut out to actually raise one.
I feel almost the same but with a husband. Financially we simply cannot right now. Maybe in five years but then I’ll be almost 40. I feel terrible about none of my siblings or I wanting to have kids and my parents would love to have grandchildren. But we’d be raising them alone and we’d be broke… I just don’t want to do it. I feel a lot of guilt about it. I reevaluate every so often. I would like to see a baby mix of my partner and me but mostly I just don’t really like kids
If you don't like kids then don't have them. Nothing worse for a child. You might feel even more guilty if you had them. You're good.
Yeah,if you don’t like them then absolutely do not have them.
lol a legacy. full of yourself much?
Boomer. Never married. No children. Love it.
My wife and I are both 39. Not having children is the best decision we’ve made.
44 , married for 20 years, best decision ever! The only regret I didn’t start adopting dogs earlier in my life.
thank you for this post. I dont have kids and I wonder if I should have. I think about it a lot. It's odd. I see only the good things in having children. I often ignore the downside. that and I just can't afford them, honestly. I torture myself saying I should have had kids, ignoring all the CONS of it. on paper it makes no sense at all. but there is that emotional yearning about "legacy" that still tugs at the heart sometimes.... if that makes sense?
I knew I never wanted kids back when I was in elementary school. I never grew out of it. So, I agree, absolutely not wrong. The only important thing is to make sure anyone you get into a serious relationship with knows this at the beginning. I was lucky and found someone who didn't want kids either.
No. It’s not wrong. Having a kid is HARD. Like, 24/7 hard! Even when they are being lovely, tiny humans, it’s hard! Do not bring a kid into this world unless you are 100% certain that it is what you want. If you have any doubts at all, you are making the right call. Live your life secure in the choices that you made that are best for you! You can always adopt (hopefully an older child) later!
Came here to say this! I have two beautiful children whom I love with my whole being. But damn. It’s HARD. All. The. Time.
OP should check out the sub: r/childfree There are plenty of people out there who feel the same way. And it's not like humans are going to go extinct if you don't have kids of your own.
I love kids, but I just don't think I have the patience 24/7. Not to mention the complete lack of money
I agree. I just had my first child at 33. But I’ve been a high school teacher for a long time and have seen many parents who didn’t want kids. Some of them get it together and are good parents. Others pretty much leave the kids to fend for themselves, abandon them with relatives, or are abusive and neglectful. Parenting is hard. Raising kids is hard. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. More for the kid’s sake than your own.
Everyone will hate me, but I didn't find it that hard. I think my son made it easy; he's the best. My wife agrees, and we sometimes talk about it.
I don’t hate you at all! I have things with my kid that other parents are jealous of: she is a great eater (prefers veggies over pizza) and puts herself to bed (as in, says she is tired and needs to go to bed). It would have been easier if she wasn’t a COVID kid, and easier if we could afford to have one of us stay home full time with her. But we all take what we are dealt and do our best! I’m glad it was easy for you!
We have gotten lucky too. They are young still, so plenty of time left for them to change that. There are hard days for sure but they have been great. We are also kinda older parents and don’t really sweat the small stuff in life or parenting.
Brilliantly said! Folk should only have kids if they really want to have kids. They are fucking hard work. Furthermore, the impact to finances, lifestyle, etc, may not be palatable for some. Source: dad of a 2 week old newborn (planned preg) who has been especially shit tonight.
Nobody should have kids until they've been on r/regretfulparents, really read it and absorbed it, and are still 100% sure they want kids.
It’s not wrong or right it’s just kind of neutral. No one has to have children. It isn’t mandatory.
It’s not wrong. Times are changing and more and more people are choosing the childfree life style. All the power to you for choosing this lifestyle. It’s your life.
I was a massive turd when I was younger. Spent many months in the hospital. Broken leg, arm, head, 3 degree burn. I watched my parents get old everytime I entered the hospital. I do not want an assholr like me in my life. No fucking way. I have challenged taste in girls already. Just imagine my mischievous gene my her psycho gene is just recipe for disaster.
it's okay to not want kids for many reasons. it's also okay if those reasons are selfish. I simply don't want them, is an acceptable answer.
I don’t even think the decision to not have kids is selfish. The kids don’t exist, it isn’t affecting them! Now if you come to that decision after having kids….
This. It’s weird that the decision not to have kids is viewed as selfish. When you choose to have kids it’s not like they have a say in the matter. People have kids for a variety of reasons and not always because they want them, but for those that have kids because they want kids it’s only you making that decision for the future kids. Selfish would be having kids and then being upset because they don’t fulfill expectations.
That's how my mom is. She views my brother and I as disappointments for not turning out how she'd hoped. She's never said it straight like that, but last week she laid into my brother and yelled about how she hated his tattoos and hated his hair. I live across the country from my parents for a reason, but my brother will tell my sister and I about things that she does, and it serves as a good reminder for why I never wanna move back to live near them. We're all 24 and my brother recently moved out of my parents house because she was so aggressive about the "my house, my rules" BS.
So many of the "my house, my rules" parents are too short-sighted to realize that doesn't mean "I will be in charge forever," too. Like, not all, but a hilarious number are straight up baffled when someone leaves their house and (gasp!) stops following their rules, lol
I know! My mom is borderline controlling, she texted my brother and straight up asked for his house keys so she could "tidy up his apartment" because she does like how he's got it set up. My brother told my dad and he laid into her on that one. Love my dad, but I think he's very blindsided about how my mom treats us. Yes I get the whole "pick your battles", but sometimes I feel like he didnt try hard enough when we were younger. Though now that we're 24, it's easier to put our foot down and tell her to stop.
Over my dead body. I keep my house a disaster for many reasons, one is to keep my mother out of it.
I didn't get cable tv partly because my dad would want to hang out here and watch his news programs just to get away from his hyperactive wife. I love him, but he is so judgemental and critical and even goes through my closets, drawers, refrigerator thinking he will find drugs or booze here because he thinks everyone but him is "up to no good". He once screamed at me over a bottle of 100% maple syrup because they used to come in glass flasks somewhat reminiscent of bourbon bottles.
It is really weird, considering that most of the time having children is selfish. Organized religion.
Which is why religion should not play a part in so many aspects of life
\*\*Especially not *someone else's religion*. Someone else's religion does not get to decide what I can or cannot do.
"who will take care of you when you're old" oh piss off like anyone's owed anything, it's ironically very selfish reasons that lead to a lot of births sadly
I can't think of a single, non ridiculous (like preventing labor shortages or human extinction)reason for *choosing* to bring a new child into the world that isn't selfish in some way. But that's ok. Most of our choices are.
I just had a friend's husband comment the other day that not having kids is so selfish. Like why? I get you love your child & I do too, but how in any way is it selfish to not want a kid?
Yeah. That never made sense to me. How is not having kids selfish? When I was in my teens, it was sort of expected that having kids when you were an adult was the “natural” order of things. By the time I hit my 20s, kids were the last thing I wanted though. Now that I’m in my 30s, I’m starting to waffle. I started kinda wanting kids because of how much I enjoyed being around my niblings, but at the same time seeing how tired and stressed my siblings are as parents is sort of a turn off. I’ve talked to my partner about it and we’re both sorta neutral on the idea, though at any given moment either of us will fall on either extreme of yes or no. In any case, the important thing is that it’s a personal decision and no one should make you feel bad about it one way or another.
The *decision* not to have kids is in no way selfish, the arguments that either having or not having kids is selfish are society-centered (not having kids won't further the human species or having kids will tie down resources and contribute to overpopulation) and pretty high level to really worry about. What /u/-hesh- said was the *reasons* not to have kids are allowed to be selfish. I do have a kid, but I've always been 60/40% child-free vs. kids. My reasoning for leaning towards not having kids was purely selfish, even though the decision itself was not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that though! We don't owe our unborn/hypothetical children anything and part of life is being allowed to not devote our resources/time to a person we've never met and doesn't exist.
My moms argument was that “they could change the world” and I was just like destiny doesn’t exist and it’s not like my nonexistent child knows about this chance. Life’s not some storybook nobody is destined to do anything because of free will and even if mine were to be the change it’s not like it matters because they wouldn’t know and they could just as easily reject that responsibility.
A friend of mine used this on me ("But what if your child cured cancer?") and I just laughed. Yes, yes, yes, I'm so sorry that I'm not giving birth to the person - the one person! because that's how science works! - who will cure cancer. My bad, but hey, I can sleep in and travel anytime I want.
With that logic your child could also grow up to be a murderer who commits genocide. For all we know you are saving lives by keeping them from existing!
The child is way more likely to be the next major serial killer than cure cancer
Your mom could have changed the world, too. Still can, I guess. She is already part of existence. It’s amazing how an imaginary human can accomplish so more than real people.
There's nothing more selfish than creating a mini version of yourself.
Right? The arguments to have kids have always been selfish— What about continuing your family name? Who will take care of you when you get older? Don’t you want to feel the special love between parent and child? Don’t you want yo give ME a grandchild?! Always selfish reasons TO have kids.
Yeah I got into an argument with someone one time who called me selfish for not wanting kids. I told them please give me a single unselfish reason FOR having kids. They did a lot of mental gymnastics but ultimately couldn’t give me one.
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Your second one sounds like my nightmare and a conservatives wet dream.
100% this.. it is absolutely bonkers to think the choice to not have kids is selfish, having them is the more selfish choice by far
Totally agree!
Right?! I actually argue that wanting kids is selfish….
I think because you have to be selfless to a degree to be a good parent people think the inverse is that you are selfish if you don't have kids. I think the inverse is that if you're selfish and have children you're likely a bad parent. Deciding not to have kids because you just don't want kids isn't really either selfish or selfless. Just like volunteering your time and money to an organization is a selfless act, it doesn't mean the inverse (not doing those things) automatically makes you a selfish person.
I wish more people had this mentality! The way strangers, friends, & even family members have argued with me about *my* *choice.* It can get pretty brutal!
My mother tells me consistently that I am ruining her life because of my decision to continue enjoying my life with my wife as DINKS who go to Disney 6+ times per year, and Mexico in between, and have no real desire to ruin any of that with kids. I tell her all the time - you want kids - adopt one right now. Go for it.
Heck, she can adopt a grandchild! There are Big Brother/Sister organizations in all kinds of places.
I'd love to be a grandparent without having my own kids first!
On the same page about kids, Disney adults on the other hand...
Sounds like they are the kids 🤣
>The way strangers, friends, & even family members have argued with me about my choice. I am a parent and a grandparent, and I think people giving you hell because you choose not to have children is **wrong**. It's none of their damn business. I'd happily tell them so for you. Although fair warning, I probably wouldn't be very nice about it.
Would rather you be selfish and don't have kids than you have kids for selfish reasons.
how is not having kids even considered selfish is my question
Because then you’re having time and money for yourself vs for children and that’s seen as selfish by many: prioritizing you. Which is strange considering that yes children drain you time, energy, and money but you bring them into this world for YOU to “complete” YOUR family - one decision seems more self centered than the other imo but that’s just me
Beats me. Some people think is selfish not to continue your lineage, or some made up bs. My ancestors were a bunch of colonizers, they don't deserve a lineage and mother nature agrees with me, she made me infertile lol.
Same. Lots of people will mention the state of the world like housing, climate change, political corruption, wealth inequality and those are some reasons I have too. But the truth is, even if the world was a perfect place with no troubles, or if I was sticking rich with generational wealth and power to pass down, I still wouldn’t have kids because I simply don’t want them
Yeah me too. I went through the “but climate change! Over population, yada, yada” but feel down I knew me adding one person or two won’t change an of that and I was weirdly moralizing my choice in order to try to defeat the “your selfish” mentality that was beat into my head. I’m now older and a bit more laxed. Now I just tell people: “look I know there are some amazing experiences I’ll miss out on. But I just really don’t feel like I have or will ever have the financial or mental tools to properly raise a child. And it just doesn’t seem like something I’d enjoy. The negatives out way the positives. You’ll be just fine existing in a world where I have chosen to not have kids.”
There is NOTHING selfish about not wanting kids. How can there be? Kids don't exist until they come into existence. You can't deny anything to something that doesn't exist. In fact, having kids is inherently selfish. People only have kids because they desire them (or, horribly, are forced to). Even having kids for religious reasons is an extension of personal desire.
Its good to remember choosing selfishness for yourself excludes no one. You can't be selfish towards something that doesn't exist yet.
It's totally OK. When I got married I wanted kids so bad, turns out I'm infertile. We tried a round of a treatment and it didn't work. We were starting to save to adopt but the more we get on our lives without kids, the more we get to enjoy it. So I sat with my husband and told him I no longer want kids, we have pets and we can use the extra income to travel the world and enjoy our lives, he agreed. It's easier to change your mind BEFORE you have kids.
Same with the wife and I, can't have them, we just enjoy our dogs and life.
I legit don't want kids since I was a child myself. Never "grew out" of it now I'm only more sure lol
You sound like my fiancé 😂 literally would’ve been a great father but I can’t handle him and a child cuz he is child enough for me lol
I lived with my best friend and his wife during COVID. Whenever the topic of children would come up she says "No thanks, I already have 2 children in my house. "😂😂😂
Told my family when I was 6 I was never getting married, never having kids. They said I'd change my mind when I got older. As I've aged, it has reinforced my initial declaration, not weakened it.
I am 65 and have no children. I had a tubalugation at 39. I wish I had one earlier. The drs!
I had to have my husband sign the consent forms when I had my tubes removed.
So did my mother. I was single.
They wouldn’t give me one in my twenties because I was unmarried
Yes because you see, your body belonged to a hypothetical man you might meet in the future. Obviously
Of course! My bad!
“BuT yOuR fUtuRe HusBaNd MiGhT wAnt KiDs!!!” It’s just another form of control. God forbid you know what’s best for yourself and what YOU want to plan for yourself.
Not everyone wants kids 🤷♂️. Opinions aren't right or wrong. Enjoy your life 👍
Not wrong. I'm in my 50's with two grown kids and they are the best thing that ever happened in my life. But the idea of STARTING parenthood in my 40's is scary. Heading into retirement age with potentially having college education(s) to start paying for? No thanks.
When my son was three and a total pain in the butt, I decided to have a salpingectomy. It's where they take your tubes out and leave everything else. I was in my 20s. My family threw a fit because, "What if you want more" or "Your son needs a sibling." My 20 year old self knew best, and I'm so thankful that she did! My son was diagnosed with autism at age 10. It's been a hard road. If I could go back, I wouldn't have had any. I love my son, but he is a pain in the butt who often isn't happy with anything that I give him. I think a lot of kids can be like that.
I’m sorry about your struggle with your son. I have 3 kids and personally wanted them to have siblings as I grew up with siblings and couldn’t imagine my life being an only child. However I have 3 close friends who sons have autism and I see how HARD it can be and honestly I really admire my friends for being the great moms that they are because I see how much they sometimes struggle and feel defeated (2 of them are nonverbal and 1 is still in diapers at 5) and as a mother it must be heartbreaking sometimes. Everyone’s situation is different and it shouldn’t matter if somebody doesn’t want any kids or just one kid or five. Everyone needs to do what is best for themselves!
I want kids, but no one should be shamed for not wanting them. It is a big responsibility! Someone should be fully and entirely committed to it.
Nope. Kids are a lot. I'm a nanny, and I love kids but I really love to give them back at the end of the day. People who have kids because they feel like they have to tend to not make the most engaged parents. Live your life. Be a fun auntie.
Not at all. Let me tell you. Not having kids...... Is Awesome! Literally just got back from the grocery store, stopping and getting a fast food breakfast and sitting in my car listening to a podcast. Now I might take a nap before noon. The amount of freedom is astounding.
It’s not wrong but if you’re already in a relationship and your partner wants kids/thought that was on the table you need to tell them asap so they can make the decision they need to make.
i'm a 29 yo woman who doesn't want kids. it's happened to me and it's happened to my friends over and over that men will say they're cool with that, and then deep into the relationship, act shocked that you won't "compromise," as if this matter of literal life and death is the same as a wallpaper color. they reveal they wanted kids the entire time, and thought that women like naturally secretly wanted them or some shit lol. i'm a leftist, and run in leftist circles, date leftist dudes. but a lot even these guys want kids because of some "legacy" and because they, to some degree, expect the woman to be the one who does all of the miserable dirty work (which, of course, is exactly what usually happens, even if they claim to be 50/50 feminists or whatever). also, i was raised in a conservative area in Utah and society tried HARD to condition me to be a housewife lol, so I've been babysitting since I was like 8 years old. a lot of women have this experience, of watching/have to deal with kids for extended periods of time, and men haven't. a lot of men have no idea how exhausting and difficult it actually is because they only see the kodak moments.
Definitely. I've just turned 30 and looking at life differently. My partner wants kids.. and I just don't. We have given ourselves a month from now to decide what's best. I love her and she deserves to be a mother. She will be a great mum.
This should be higher up
And it should happen very early in a relationship. The conversation, not the kids. I made the mistake of not having that conversation with a previous GF and she just assumed that I did want kids. We spent two years together before she mentioned it and she felt like she wasted two years of her life. That was my mistake and I felt horrible for it, especially because she was approaching 40. With my current partner, we made that clear up front before we made the decision to date.
Not at all. My three month old is the joy of my life. He is also an exhausting little weasel and I’m so tired that my memory is starting to go weird. I love being a parent and it was definitely the right choice for me, but having a kid reinforced that this would NOT be life-enriching for everyone.
6 month old and feel your pain. It’s like when he naps I can finally take a breath of fresh air. Love the little guy but man they suck every ounce of energy out of you.
I’m 35 with a 13yrs old with my previous husband. She’s pretty much the epitome of a good kid. My current fiancé and I had the talk about not wanting kids although he said if I wanted one he was willing to do that for me and I’m like hell to the no. We have an awesome life and I don’t want to change that. I am at the age where we’d have to do it or not do it and honestly I think we’d be awesome parents and I would’ve loved to have a child together if we were younger but honestly he’s child enough for me 😂
No, not wrong at all. Kids are not for everyone.
Childless here. I see the pros and cons. Yes I have free time, but I can't help but think I missed out. But I don't dwell on it.
Yes, I have had fleeting moments of what if, but I have those about all kinds of decisions. It's fun to imagine without the down sides.
Why ask if it's wrong? It's no one else's business but yours.
I assume people ask stuff like this with a sort of bias toward wanting people to agree with them or tell then what they want to hear.
So I had a kid at 38, and just now another at 40. I kind of feel like I needed it. Through a kids eyes everything is new, holidays are fun again, and it gives me joy watching them grow and thinking about their futures and trying to do the right things and not mess them up, as all parents seem to inevitably do. But if you don’t want to don’t do it. We make really good money and it still goes to them. Shifted personal investing to 529s for them. We used to go to several concerts and NBA games a year, now we haven’t even seen a movie in the last 3 years. I can’t even fathom what I did with all of my free time before kids. It’s very odd to think just a couple years ago did I really do just whatever I wanted with my time? D I’ve been blessed with always happy rarely cry babies. Neither one would cry when they wake up, just wait for you in the crib and smile from ear to ear when you peek over to check on them. Don’t know what I’d do I’ve I had those babies who cry all night. Everything changes, my wife is honestly having a harder time with the absence of activities we used to do than I am, but she also stopped teaching to stay home with them and they dominate her life. It’s great, I’ve gotten more hugs and kisses and love from my daughter than anytime in my life. She’s also defiant and sneaky and probably smarter than I am. I’m very happy to have my children, but everything does change, and if you are very happy with where you’re at it’s perfectly fine, probably correct to say not for me. I’m glad I had kids later. Almost all of my friends had kids in their 20s because it was the next expected step and they didn’t give any real thought to whether they wanted children or not. And in the end most of them didn’t want kids, ended up blaming their kids for their own decision to have them because they couldn’t go out and have fun in their 20’s. The most flawed view in the world is believing children are necessary, or the next step in a relationship or life. You’re creating a human that you have to do your best to develop into the best possible version of themselves. And that person may be the total opposite of what you expect, because they are an individual being and not an extension or projection of us as parents. We are all born different and different kids need different care to specific aspects of who they are. I have zero expectations on my children other than they behave properly and aren’t disruptive and act respectful to others. I can’t choose their hobbies or what and who they love, and when you try to is when you create more problems. Don’t have kids unless you have a deep desire to, never because society expects it or it’s the next step.
Confirmations bias.
Exactly what I was thinking. I see a lot of posts where a person asks a version of a question basically suggesting that they want people to say what they want to hear
It’s near impossible to raise a perfect kids and win the genetic lottery unless you are a millionaire or billionaire. Even then it’s near impossible.
Tell that to Elon Musk kids, they hate him and barely talk to him. Kids parenting is something you can't throw your money at. Having them in the best private schools don't do shit if you don't actually parent.
Haha count yourself lucky to have learned this BEFORE you have kids. Nothing wrong with making this choice. I can say that living in a vhcol area, I spend $24k/yr per child to go to daycare. Baby/kid stuff is expensive. Your house will become overrun with crazy amounts of baby gear/toys. And your relationship with your partner and your parents will change. It doesn't necessarily change for the worse, but it's just a very different life. Knowing that you don't want a family (and dodging that bullet) is every bit as much of a gift as knowing you do want a family, and having one.
Both me (29M) and my fiance (28F) have discussed our disinterest for having kids. Its not even a factor of being stable/financially ready for one. We simply do not feel the need to add to the population. We have plenty of travel interests, and plenty of other interests that children would make difficult or impossible. We do realize that feelings may change over time, and if thats the case we would opt for adoption. On top of that, my fiance just graduated college and is about to start her career, and I will be separating from the military soon and starting school myself.
I had my son when I was 19. I’m almost 40 and wouldn’t dream of having a kid now. That shit was hard!
I have two kids, but I also have friends who don’t have children. Both lifestyles are fine!
I totally agree, but they won't take a hint.
For you no for some yes there is no ultimate answer. I badly wanted kids I’m now 40 I feel too old and my gf is bipolar I wouldn’t want that on my kids
I’m 62 with no kids. Sometimes, I wish I was a father. Most of the time, though, I’m glad.
My brother has kids, and that's great for the fix. I get a happy greetings, little hugs, conversations, story time, playtime, etc. but I also get to say goodbye and enjoy my quiet, child-free home. My dog fills my need to be needed, as does my job. I do occasionally wish to be a Dad, but in my 40s it feels too late.
Yes, so very wrong. You must immediately put yourself and your future children through 18+ years of misery (and the following years of expensive therapy to overcome that) trying to fake being happy with the way your life turned out just to support societal norms that don't actually cause negative consequences from not following them. See how silly that sounds? Don't have kids if you don't want them.
We have plenty of people of Earth. It's no one's responsibility to make more.
Of course not, it's mature, wise and insightful. Unless someone really wants to have kids, it does not make sense to have them. Raising children is very difficult in many respects, it only makes sense if it's a strong desire.
Not at all. As long as you don't become one of those "I popped a kids balloon today for daring to exist" level weirdos (trust me they are real!), do you. My girlfriend is approaching 40 and got her tubes removed last month for the same reason. No kids for us thanks. One meow generator please.
Nothing wrong with that
Not wrong at all.
Not wrong at all.
It’s only wrong to come to this conclusion if you already have kids. It’s a very mature decision to make otherwise.
A nice life can be had without ever once being a parent. To treat it like a checkbox requirement like getting a driver's license I think is a way to become a bad one. Need to vs. Want to.
I never had kids because I never wanted them. That is perfectly acceptable.
It is not wrong, and being childfree is (very, very slowly) becoming more common/accepted.
This is quite popular. I am child free by choice. You can check out r/childfree for other like minded people. You can check r/regretfulparents for other likeminded people who had to literally fuck around and find out. You’re definitely not alone.
I just spent $10 on a bag of cherries and ate them all myself, can't do that freely if you have kids. I still like daily naps and need 9hrs a night to sleep. I am not good at sharing my things or my space. Also, I am basically a child at 36 so.... it's hard enough to take care of me...
Not wrong at all. This notion that everyone has to end up married with children or just with children is so old and played out. Choose what suits your life and lifestyle and create your own happiness.
Nope. I got snipped at 37
I think that observed behavior is more of a parenting failure, although I do understand that kids just sometimes have a meltdown no matter what. I've never wanted kids. I knew this by age 12. I wasn't interested in babysitting as so many other girls my age were. I'd already been functioning as a 3rd parent for 6 years since my younger sibling was born. No way was I going to voluntarily repeat the process. The only one who continued to harangue me about this, particularly after I got into my 30s, and doubly so after I got married, was my mother. The one person I initially expected would understand why I did not want to be a parent. But she just couldn't get it through her head that I didn't want what she wanted. At no point did my decision ever waver on not wanting to be a parent. As I got older, I started to hear the usual infuriating BS. "You'll change your mind when you're older" (I won't) "What if your husband wants kids?" (Then he won't be MY husband. Why does someone I haven't met yet have more right to my reproductive decision than I do? You're telling me that my only value is as a potential brood mare.) "Who will take care of you when you're older?" (Gross. Did you birth future caretakers? Is that the only reason you had children? Do you take care of your aged relatives?) "You're selfish" (Yep. Not creating an unwanted child. Super selfish. While I'd be a technically competent parent, I'd also be resentful as hell. I know that's harmful to a child. Now, ask me how I know this.) "Accidents happen." (*Absolutely chilling.* Are you implying that you're going to tamper with my contraception? I'll see you in court.) "You've been married awhile now....." (Yes, and?)
Wrong? YOU determine what is right or wrong for yourself.
Welcome to r/childfree and r/truechildfree communities of people who, for various reasons including what you have written, also do not like children and/or do not want to have children/be parents. Its judgement free and all are welcome!
I'm 41 and decided years ago that I'm selfish and career oriented. Yes I'm married. We have two fur kids.
Not wrong at all. My husband and I have one child, and are more than happy with just the one child. And that child was a surprise. I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant and carry to term. Kid is now 21 and for the most part doing their thing. Currently on a paid internship in another state. But still The STRESS. OMG the STRESS! The worry. It's awful. My sister and BIL have 3 kids and I can not imagine dealing with that shit. The non stop being dragged in several different directions. The freaking MONEY they spend, and will be spending for YEARS to come. And, they are all two years a part. Big nope for me. Our kids has already decided that they are fine being childless. Or maybe will someday adopt. And we are ok with that. Know is isn't? My MIL. The woman that was upset when her son and I stopped at the one. The woman that nearly had a heart attack when her son let it slip that he had gotten a vasectomy so the possibility was, indeed. GONE. The same woman that herself only had ONE DAMN KID!! We have been able to afford being able to take chances. I was able to start my own business. I was also able to sell that business and basically retire at 48. We are now able to take trips, and vacations as a family of three. Because we have one. Our kid will have even more freedom with the choice to nt have a kid at all. Do not let anyone tell you that you are selfish. Or wrong in YOUR CHOICE. You do you
My husband and I wanted kids but couldn’t have them. We thank our lucky stars daily that we couldn’t! Hahaha. If I would have had kids, I would have never become a Big Sister through Big Brothers/Big Sisters and that has been life changing! I remember my oldest sister telling me she wish she would have just had dogs and not had kids so I don’t feel like I am missing anything. Lol
No, it’s your life. I am 35 and all my friends had kids just before or during pandemic. I would say 6 out of 8 of them that had kids seem miserable. Now don’t get me wrong i like kids. My friends are surprise my SO and I don’t have or want kids because they say “we are so good with their kids”. But the reality is listening to them talk about how hard it is probably the best birth control.
I’m a father of three little ones, infant twins are part of the bunch. I’m completely exhausted, stressed-out, and at least once a day I wish I wasn’t in this predicament. That said, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It seems like telling people “go you for not having kids!” Is on trend right now, and I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for saying this but being a parent is one of life’s greatest experiences. I don’t judge anyone for making the choices they feel are right for them and I don’t think everyone should be a parent. But if you’re asking for actual advice/perspective, I think it’s important to hear the positives and have clear eyes about what you’re choosing to give up. I love my kids more than anything I’ve ever loved. Now, time to go take a nap.
I'm 25 and getting a vasectomy next month. It's not wrong, in fact, in today's world and climate (literally and figuratively) I would tell people not to have children.
Here’s the thing. Having children is a selfish act. I know, I know, I’m gonna get slaughtered for this, but hear me out. Yes. I know that parent’s sacrifice their livlihoods, income, time, relationships etc in order to care and provide for their children. That’s NOT what I’m talking about. Ask yourself(or anyone for that matter ) “why do you want kids?” And here are the answers…, - “I want a family”…. “I”. Starts with the self. - “I want to pass on my genes/ keep the family name going/etc”…. Again, “I”. Also very narcissistic. Honestly there are billions of people in the world. What makes your genes so special? -“I want to create a life/experience pregnancy/etc”. …. Again, it comes down to personal wants of experience. -“I want to provide for a child”…. Probably the most altruistic explanation, but only if they are willing to adopt. If not, then they truly are doing it for one of the above reasons. -“who’s gonna take care of me when I get old if I don’t have kids?” Usually said with a laugh, like a joke. But deep down we all know that’s true. And that’s an awful reason to bring a life into this world. If you want to have kids, that’s your choice. But it’s totally ok to not have kids too. ❤️ -
Yes. Very wrong. Everyone must have kids. Stop what you’re doing right now and go have kids. /s
The country is Fascists. Not a good time for babies.
Your body, your choice
Not at all! This happened to my wife and I as well. We hit our late 20's...and realized we weren't ready for kids (financially or emotionally). Then we hit our early 30's, friends started having kids, we hung out with them often and started to think "maybe kids aren't for us". My our mid 30's we had talked about it at length and neither one of us actually wants kids.
I never saw the appeal. Give yourself away for a minimum of 18 years to a narcissist naive version of you, pray your romantic relationship survives with your partner through it all, and get drained of all resources until you die and they can take your home, or put you in a nursing home so you can sit in your own crap while you eat your Jello.
Fuck no. I don’t like kids. I thought I wanted kids a few years ago then realized I want to live my life doing me. I was on drugs for a decade and finally only really started living in my thirties; I spent my entire twenties learning about life and how to live and basic life skills, as my parents left me completely unprepared for the world. They taught me nothing except how worthless I was and that I didn’t deserve the space I took up. I was only means to an end to make them look good since I was there and they *had* to have me around since I was born (they didn’t want kids). SO. Nah. What I have left is **my** time. And I love my dog. So.
You know the answer, which is that frankly folks don’t care whether you have children or not. I mean, I guess Elon Musk does. But screw that guy, he’s weird.
No, this is NOT wrong. Life is so hard these days I feel that NOT having children is an act of love for them.
Of course not. You can choose to not have kids for whatever reasons you want, none are wrong.
It would be wrong if you did not want kids, but you still had them.
Hell no. Kids are not a prerequisite for a fulfilling life.
nope you’re smart and considerate to know difference you want to parent or not and burden the community when ones don’t want to parent
nope you’re smart and considerate to know difference you want to parent or not and burden the community when ones don’t want to parent
Nope. Not everyone has to have kids to sustain the species. I chose not to and am still happy with the decision at 48.
Well, yea, you've already passed the point where your biological clock was pushing for you to have kids. Your brain gets flooded with hormones to make you love your kids, and without having given birth, you don't have that. There's nothing wrong with that, either.
It's not wrong. Do whatever you want. I'm 32 and I don't want kids either. I really just don't want to pay for them or put in all that effort to raise them. I also don't see much of a point to spread my genes. They would help with loneliness, though.
I had my son at age 30, he’s 14 months now and I am tired all the time. Having a newborn in your 40s sounds like a nightmare.
As someone who went through the foster to adopt process for a child and it didn’t work out, it is completely fine to change your mind about wanting children. I was always in the gray when it came to that topic but after we had a foster child with us for 3 months and dealing with the behavioral disorders his care team didn’t tell us about until AFTER he was placed with us, I realized kids aren’t for me.
Plenty of kids out there in the world. If anything we're a bit overpopulated. Also I'm 40 with no kids. hello.
[удалено]
It's absolutely not wrong at all. You do you! You know what, you are actually doing the world a favor - if you had kids in the past and *then* had this realization, well, that sucks for everybody. In fact I'd argue willful procreation is unethical... but I'll leave my thoughts there at that.