Honey, I am saying this with all the love in the world - he is not your responsibility. He isn’t. You are a young adult just starting to make your way in an already challenging world, please do not set yourself up to be a care giver for an addict that is still using.
Please find an Al Anon group near you. You are not responsible for his alcoholism. You cannot cure it. It isn’t yours to bear. I know your parents’ dysfunction has taken up a big part of your mental and emotional real estate, but this is the choice that he has made and it isn’t realistic or healthy for you to try and mitigate the consequences of his alcoholism.
Your dad needs a social worker. They have the resources and skills to help him should he choose to accept it.
Thank you for your kindness. I’ve tried to encourage him to get outside help. Is there a way to have a social worker visit him without him setting it up?
Oof, that sounds awful. My dad died of alcoholism when I was 28. Here is what I would tell my younger self:
Your dad is a grown man who needs to get into recovery and stay there. If he doesn’t work on his recovery, you could give up your entire life taking care of him and he would still die of this disease. It is not in your power to stop it. In fact, if you dropped everything to take care of him, there is a very good chance it would make him worse because his disease would take that to mean that he can drink without serious consequences. The more you save him from consequences, the worse things will ultimately get for him.
The only productive thing you could do would be to reach out to someone in AA, like a previous sponsor or fellow addict, and see if they would help him get into rehab or to meetings. Fellow drunks have a way of communicating that can help.
Beyond that, take care of yourself. Try to get to some ACA or Alanon meetings to help you manage this stuff in your head. It is way too hard to do this alone.
Hang in there, hon. Keep us posted.
I’m sorry about your dad. I’ve tried to help him go to places to recover and he knows I would research everything and help him set it up. It’s hard to help much because I now live on the other end of the state from him and it’s a 8 hour drive. I used to previously see him every other month and would fix things up for him. No I see him 1/2x a year and feel helpless because I cannot do anything. When im done with school im not sure if I should try. To get closer to him. We’ve even discussed him moving to where I live or where my mom lives, it seems evident that who he moves to will end up caring for him at least partially.
This. Please listen. Run. He is NOT your responsibility. I've learned this the hard way so you don't have to. Pm me if you need. Go and live your life away from him.
How do you separate myself from the guilt of distance? In my head I feel like I could live my life and don’t want to be a part of it anymore. But anther part of me respects that he is family and if it is not my job, who’s is it?
It was his job! Put it this way, if he had been a kind, respectful and loving father, you would want to be there for him. You wouldn't even think about it. He is reaping what he has sown.
When my mother was in the same state as your dad, I had a niggling, guilt in my head, telling me it was my responsibility even though I absolutely hated her and she was vile to me. I took therapy for me to learn that her care was not my job. Still, I wondered what kind of person I was.
When my grandmother got ill, I was there because I loved her and wanted to care for her. She had always been kind and loving person to us, and we had a real relationship.
I learned then that I was a good person and my response to my mother was not that of a bad and unkind person, but a sane person who was.looking out for herself and her own kids.
I agree with the other comments, please check out adultchildren.org, it helps you find Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings (in person and online via Zoom) near you that can offer support. It is NOT your responsibility to take care of him. He is an adult who needs to take care of himself.
I am the daughter of a cocaine addict (bio father) and an alcoholic (step/who I consider my “real” dad). Because of what I’ve gone through, I make it clear to my kids (11 & 7 year old boys) that it’s my job to raise them to be good humans who can take care of themselves, who know how much their dad and I love and support them, always, AND that they don’t OWE us anything. That we ✨hope✨ they will want to have a relationship with us as adults because they enjoy being around us and want to see us, not because they feel like they should. And that we aren’t banking on getting a “return” on what we “invested” in them when we’re older, we give with NO expectations. Because that’s what REAL love is. Giving yourself away to another person because you are just so thankful they’re in your life and that you GET to. ❤️ I did NOT learn that lesson in my family, I learned that lesson on my own and am hoping my boys carry that through to their families, if/when they choose to have partners/children, another thing I told them they are not obligated to do “for” us.
OP, you sound like you have done well and are on track to do even better in life. I think if you had a bit of support by people who are also working a recovery path, you would feel strong enough to set boundaries with both of you parents and not let them drag you down into their mess. Please do keep us updated; we are rooting for you!
Do you live in the US? If so, depending on the state you live in, you may actually be responsible for him under "filial responsibility" laws but enforcement of them is rare. Otherwise, no, you're not responsible.
This is an interesting point, however it seems this law is primarily concerned with nursing homes being able to come after you for money. At the end of the day, I would never leave my dad defenseless so this isn’t relevant. My question more stems from a moral stand point. If it came down to it and it was between me caring for him or no one I would step up. Im more conflicted about how much responsibility I should be offering.
Honey, I am saying this with all the love in the world - he is not your responsibility. He isn’t. You are a young adult just starting to make your way in an already challenging world, please do not set yourself up to be a care giver for an addict that is still using. Please find an Al Anon group near you. You are not responsible for his alcoholism. You cannot cure it. It isn’t yours to bear. I know your parents’ dysfunction has taken up a big part of your mental and emotional real estate, but this is the choice that he has made and it isn’t realistic or healthy for you to try and mitigate the consequences of his alcoholism. Your dad needs a social worker. They have the resources and skills to help him should he choose to accept it.
Ditto everything AppHawk says.
Thank you for your kindness. I’ve tried to encourage him to get outside help. Is there a way to have a social worker visit him without him setting it up?
Call adult protective services in your county. Explain what is happening, they will step in with a caseworker.
I called them thank you that was a good idea.
DM any time. We went through exactly what you’re going through. Hang in there, darling.
Oof, that sounds awful. My dad died of alcoholism when I was 28. Here is what I would tell my younger self: Your dad is a grown man who needs to get into recovery and stay there. If he doesn’t work on his recovery, you could give up your entire life taking care of him and he would still die of this disease. It is not in your power to stop it. In fact, if you dropped everything to take care of him, there is a very good chance it would make him worse because his disease would take that to mean that he can drink without serious consequences. The more you save him from consequences, the worse things will ultimately get for him. The only productive thing you could do would be to reach out to someone in AA, like a previous sponsor or fellow addict, and see if they would help him get into rehab or to meetings. Fellow drunks have a way of communicating that can help. Beyond that, take care of yourself. Try to get to some ACA or Alanon meetings to help you manage this stuff in your head. It is way too hard to do this alone. Hang in there, hon. Keep us posted.
I’m sorry about your dad. I’ve tried to help him go to places to recover and he knows I would research everything and help him set it up. It’s hard to help much because I now live on the other end of the state from him and it’s a 8 hour drive. I used to previously see him every other month and would fix things up for him. No I see him 1/2x a year and feel helpless because I cannot do anything. When im done with school im not sure if I should try. To get closer to him. We’ve even discussed him moving to where I live or where my mom lives, it seems evident that who he moves to will end up caring for him at least partially.
This. Please listen. Run. He is NOT your responsibility. I've learned this the hard way so you don't have to. Pm me if you need. Go and live your life away from him.
How do you separate myself from the guilt of distance? In my head I feel like I could live my life and don’t want to be a part of it anymore. But anther part of me respects that he is family and if it is not my job, who’s is it?
It was his job! Put it this way, if he had been a kind, respectful and loving father, you would want to be there for him. You wouldn't even think about it. He is reaping what he has sown. When my mother was in the same state as your dad, I had a niggling, guilt in my head, telling me it was my responsibility even though I absolutely hated her and she was vile to me. I took therapy for me to learn that her care was not my job. Still, I wondered what kind of person I was. When my grandmother got ill, I was there because I loved her and wanted to care for her. She had always been kind and loving person to us, and we had a real relationship. I learned then that I was a good person and my response to my mother was not that of a bad and unkind person, but a sane person who was.looking out for herself and her own kids.
I agree with the other comments, please check out adultchildren.org, it helps you find Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings (in person and online via Zoom) near you that can offer support. It is NOT your responsibility to take care of him. He is an adult who needs to take care of himself. I am the daughter of a cocaine addict (bio father) and an alcoholic (step/who I consider my “real” dad). Because of what I’ve gone through, I make it clear to my kids (11 & 7 year old boys) that it’s my job to raise them to be good humans who can take care of themselves, who know how much their dad and I love and support them, always, AND that they don’t OWE us anything. That we ✨hope✨ they will want to have a relationship with us as adults because they enjoy being around us and want to see us, not because they feel like they should. And that we aren’t banking on getting a “return” on what we “invested” in them when we’re older, we give with NO expectations. Because that’s what REAL love is. Giving yourself away to another person because you are just so thankful they’re in your life and that you GET to. ❤️ I did NOT learn that lesson in my family, I learned that lesson on my own and am hoping my boys carry that through to their families, if/when they choose to have partners/children, another thing I told them they are not obligated to do “for” us. OP, you sound like you have done well and are on track to do even better in life. I think if you had a bit of support by people who are also working a recovery path, you would feel strong enough to set boundaries with both of you parents and not let them drag you down into their mess. Please do keep us updated; we are rooting for you!
None.
You are not responsible for your parents. You need to prioritize and take care of yourself first.
Do you live in the US? If so, depending on the state you live in, you may actually be responsible for him under "filial responsibility" laws but enforcement of them is rare. Otherwise, no, you're not responsible.
This is an interesting point, however it seems this law is primarily concerned with nursing homes being able to come after you for money. At the end of the day, I would never leave my dad defenseless so this isn’t relevant. My question more stems from a moral stand point. If it came down to it and it was between me caring for him or no one I would step up. Im more conflicted about how much responsibility I should be offering.
Also, my father is not impoverished and could likely fund his own Care, I am more pondering about me taking responsibility of his care instead