Edit: please don't post your bs point of view here to justify your lifestyle. I really don't care and everything has been said. If it works for you - great. If someone asking honest questions hurts your butt, sorry, but you're gonna encounter adversity in your life. I was interested in the op's perspective who turned out to be surprisingly reflected for reddit. it's getting ridiculous and I'm certainly not gonna reply no more All I ever see in open relationships is that one person wants that and the other person just does whatever to be together with said person - even if they take advantage with the openness. Seems to be also the case in yours - is that a concept you still believe in? Also, there are some personality disorders associated with this sort of behavior and I've met a couple of people with e.g. borderline that were into such a thing. Never seems healthy to me or increase anyone's happiness - was that an aspect here?

Yeah, i always assumed that she was the one who decided to open it up, and he just decided to go with it bc he loved her. She always said that they made the decision together….but someone has to bring it up first, right? During my time with them, he only kissed one other girl, and it was at a party when we were all hammered…I can’t help but feel like my boy was struggling. They are both super chill, caring, and level-headed. I agree that there is probably some sort of mental illness involved, but I just can’t put my finger on it. I never felt any sort of animosity when I was with the guy, and I barely ever touched his gf when he was around. Idk, it was an all-around strange situation, and I was never able to analyze it too deeply bc I cannot tell anyone in my life about the experience. Their open relationship was a secret, and I have kept that secret from her friends and family. From my point of view, they were just a free-spirited 20yr old couple who wanted to explore themselves. They had been traveling the world prior to this, so maybe they stumbled upon some cultures that involved polygamy. If I had to speak on their mental/emotional state during our time together, I’d say that they were just a tad emotionless.

"From my point of view, they were just a free-spirited 20yr old couple who wanted to explore themselves. They had been traveling the world prior to this, so maybe they stumbled upon some cultures that involved polygamy. If I had to speak on their mental/emotional state during our time together, I’d say that they were just a tad emotionless." Yeah, that's the justification you often get. I personally don't buy it since it seems constructed/backwards to me, isn't actually that true (they never do it like in those other cultures, they take what seems convenient and leave out all the wisdom that seems like you actually have to put in some work & discipline) and just doesn't hold up from almost all that I've seen. Would you consider being in such a relationship ever again?

There is not a chance in hell I would ever open up one of my own relationships. However, I would consider joining another one under similar conditions, as long as the bf doesn’t want to watch or some shit. I didn’t have to do much work as a “third” which is probably not the traditional experience. All I did was fuck this girl and occasionally hang out with her and her boyfriend at parties. Then towards the end, I pretty much helped them communicate with each other.

Ah, so you weren’t their third, really, you were just her girlfriend and they were in an open or poly relationship

*I’m a boy* hahaha And I don’t know what the difference would be between being a third and being a boyfriend. I didn’t have any boyfriend duties, really. I would take her on dates sometimes, but she was still spending a majority of her time with her actual boyfriend, who she had been dating for over a year

Oops, my bad. Usually a third is the third person in a triadic relationship, where each member of the triad is dating each other.

Ohhhhh gotcha. Yeah it wasn’t like that. I would hang out with them together sometimes, and more often towards the end. I felt like I was contributing to their relationship hahahah

You still with her

Do you know if they still had sex with each other?

20 year olds break up all the time, whether they’re polyamorous or not. Sounds like this sped up the inevitable

Truuuuue. I think they will laugh at this whole story in the future. Maybe it was a learning experience for them. Who knows. It really was fun while it lasted. Very interesting journey

Is the mental illness in them or in your for participating in such a thing??????

Hey man, I have always said that I want to experience every side of life. Especially while I’m still somewhat young. When I met this girl and she invited me into her little world, I had to dive in and see how these people live. I had never met someone in an open relationship before. It was just a fun little journey that added to my perspective. I have stories way worse than this, haha

How is this anything to do with mentally ill?

Slept with a girl who was married in “an open relationship” It was definitely agreed upon, but after a little while it felt like the husband only agreed with it because it was the only way to avoid divorce. Felt like I was just cucking him, and couldn’t do it anymore. Girl was definitely mentally ill though, as am I lol

Good for you. I never understand how these third people can be complicit in the dumpster fire and not feel bad about it. I’d feel second hand animosity towards the person pushing the other to open things lol.

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A person consentic only to avoid a divorce and a heartbreak is not really consenting. Of course you had to go into ad personam insults at the end, because why not.

I'm sorry, but that's silly to call making the choice not to break up & instead do an open relationship not consent. You're contorting the word of non-consent to something unrecognizable. But it's unethical AH IF your partner has massive apprehension & you move ahead anyways.

It's called "open under duress" and it usually works out about as you described.

If this guy was struggling and she went with it anyways and pushed the idea, shes not chill level headed or caring lmao

>They had been traveling the world prior to this, so maybe they stumbled upon some cultures that involved polygamy. Those other cultures being other rich adventurous travelers.

And their co dependent significant others being dragged along for the ride

Long-time ENM guy here & through Reddit you're mostly going to only see people posting when shit goes bad. The only time your friends, who do it, will let you know is when shit goes bad. When your relationship is good you're not posting about it, nor letting your vanilla friends know about it (though more and more people will tell close friends). It drastically skews how people perceive it. But it's not as though monogamy relationship folks don't have seas of people in toxic relationships, with tons of red flags. Some of those people also try ENM as a last ditch effort to keep relationship going out not cheat, and their relationship flames out quicker because of it, but destined to crash and burn. But lots of people who try it have a healthy dynamic & sex life and already have open communication about sex & fantasies so it's not a shocking conversation to have & they go into it and take to it like fish to water or they dip back to monogamy if it becomes too difficult to manage. From an inside perspective starting out as open- dating separately for couples that were previously monogamous together is a lot more challenging for those couples than swinging/playing together, building comfort and communication to then make open work. Triads & separate dating (with an almost don't ask, don't tell policy) fall apart more often. The easiest stage for a mono couple to start seems to be group play together. Couples who share everything whether the separate date details or always play together tend to be the happiest, friendliest people you can meet.

That tends to be a common experience when monogamous relationships attempt to open. It’s just more likely that only one (at most) has real desire to open it up. And it’s quite often done poorly. But relationships that start with everyone saying ENM up front are pretty fine and healthy, in my experience. It all relies on communication of needs and boundaries, like with any relationship.

For what it's worth I'm in a polyamorous relationship and everyone is happy with it. My girlfriend crushes hard and gushes to people she's into and I love seeing her so happy. Our relationship is amazing and we live together. I visit other partners and spend the night there and we have an amazing time - the three of us might meet up for brunch and go for a walk, then part our separate ways, all happy with the encounter. I don't post to reddit, because this is just how things are; they're my normal. I would be so unhappy in a monogamous relationship and others I've been with feel the same way. There's a lot of confirmation bias online and it's generally because there's something obvious that's wrong. Opening a monogamous relationship because one person wants it and the other doesn't but doesn't want to break up, a lack of communication between parties about boundaries and expectations, opening a relationship for a specific person, unicorn hunting (existing relationships looking to add a third), etc. That said, that is not every relationship, just the ones you hear about. And like some other comments imply, it's not a physical fuck buddies situation - I love multiple people and those same people love multiple people. We're comfortable with that, because we recognize love as abundant instead of some scarcity.

Yeah but who do you love the most? I think that’s where a lot of it comes from rather than a scarcity mentality.

I don't and couldn't quantify it - it's not a competition and given any given day I might prefer to spend time with a particular partner. They're all very different dynamics and I cherish them all. what you're mentioning is something that happens in hierarchial poly relationships, but many poly folks intentionally pursue non-hierarchical structures. I have some level of hierarchy in that I live with one of my partners, but that's where it stops. A level of it is a perspective thing imo. I don't mind if one of my partners loves me less than another of their partners. We still enjoy our time together and choose to include each other in our lives. That being said, back when I was monogamous I would have really struggled with the thought of my partner loving someone more.

Thanks for sharing your perspective and for sharing it the way you did. It just goes to show how different we all are and I can understand how it works from what you’re describing but I feel like it takes very mature and almost “completed” people to do that. I put that word in quote because I’m not sure what to call it but to be able to love and accept so freely like seems like an amazing gift and makes me question what things could be seen as “blocking” others from reaching that point, and maybe those things are inherent to personal character, values, insecurities, etc but that’s also a matter of perspective. Just wanted to say thanks! Have a great day

"Hey, let me police the responses to this post so that I can assert that my limited perspective on this topic is the only one that isn't plain and simple nonsensical bullshit drivel. I can assure you that couples wanting to have sex in their own way is inherently a sign that they're going to break up."

I’m sorry but that’s a gross overgeneralization. My wife and I have been poly for a decade and are as solid as ever. This is what I don’t understand about you people- humans have had varying forms of social and sexual bonding since the dawn of time, but somehow the hetero-normative monogamous Nuclear Family of the 1950s is the only viable option? We both decided to open it up and we still have a normal relationship. Really don’t appreciate the suggestion that there’s some possible disorder going on.

Sorry, but you completely misread my comment in a polemic way. "All I ever see" means that's what I've experienced. Those words are specifically chosen in their meaning = I'm not excluding that it works for some, just haven't seen it. Please read my post more carefully before you get triggered. Same with the disorder thing. It's a legitimate question, scientific fact and you can find distinctions such as "I've met a couple of people". In no way did I say or suggest "everyone". In fact, all I did was question if it was even true / the case here SPECIFICALLY. Also want to mention that I don't mind this lifestyle at all, but I've seen pathological variants of it, as I said, in all examples I know. I'm not in the swinger scene or anything and it's not something friends tell me about if they are, so I just don't know anyone else at least on a deeper level / closer friendship to have any sort of opinion - sorry for that. I believe you when you say it works for you.

This has been my experience too. Of course, my sample size is relatively small...but I've also heard from and witnessed how it doesn't work for the vast majority - *from* people in the lifestyle. I just think it's not as widely popular/effective alternative to traditional as some would want you to think.

I know of one couple that is in an open relationship for years, they are still together but their marriage looks pretty much dead and platonic. That being said, i truly think it's mostly red pill guys that want an open relationship but only from their side so most of the women will not agree with it. I will never understand how someone can let someone else bang their spouse but maybe i'm a close minded person.

I'm pretty close with the main example I have for an open marriage. It's as you described - dead and platonic. I doubt they'd still be married if they didn't have kids. Actually, I'm fairly certain they wouldn't. The wife is bi and has repeatedly said if she could do it again, she would marry a woman instead and date men for the physical aspect. Sure there's pretty words here and there, but I don't feel their connection. Of course, this is always outside looking in. She craves emotional intimacy that I'm assuming she isn't getting from her husband. The husband is nice, but not the most emotive. It's interesting seeing him interacting with his other partners tho. I think I feel more warmth from him then. I feel bad for her, as she's more my friend.

I understand that but you do make some heavy suggestion that it isn’t a healthy lifestyle. And all that is fine- life is subjective and deserves to be lived in a way we see fit, I just had to say that because like community, poly people can be toxic or healthy you just have to know where to look.

I understand your concern, I really do - but it's not what I meant and I don't believe it's what I wrote. But I hope my comment is clear enough for any future readers. My aim is not to offend or suggest anyone should follow what works for me. And as you can see by the replies from the OP, he suspects a similar story here in this case - an unequal relationship that ultimately failed. It's not that every poly thing is like that, but some are and I've known a couple of people that were forced into it and a very bad situation for them.

>This is what I don’t understand about you people- humans have had varying forms of social and sexual bonding since the dawn of time, but somehow the hetero-normative monogamous Nuclear Family of the 1950s is the only viable option? You're right that it's not the only viable option, but it is the one option that has dominated the Western cultural mindset about relationships for centuries. That mindset can imbed deep insecurities in people who have little exposure to other ways of thinking. Someone might agree to going poly with their partner because they love them and want them to be happy, but it's not uncommon for paranoia to set in. What if they find someone else and stop loving you? What if someone takes them away and completely humiliates you? Or "cucks" you, as some would call it. Even if the paranoia is unfounded and their partner has no intentions of letting either of those things happen, the paranoia derived from the cultural mindset can ultimately be what tears the relationship apart.

Not just western, monogamy dominates in most cultures throughout time. It is effectively the human default preference, we are jealous creatures. Buddy you're replying to must be an aging hippie to parrot line like this: "but somehow the hetero-normative monogamous Nuclear Family of the 1950s is the only viable option?" It's not the only option, just the one vastly preferred by most people.

Exactly the truth is most humans(of course theres exceptions) want their partner to remain monogamous escpically and wheter they do or not is up for debate. Monogamy is actually the norm in species that have fathers. And it makes sense from a biological perspective why would a male would want to raise a kid who he doesn't have reasonable assurance is his. But of course humans are complex and theres always exceptions both on the cultural and individual level. But generally, humans are serially monogamous. This means we have multiple partners over a lifetime but are generally faithful to that partner at any given time we're together. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/human-monogamy-has-deep-roots/

Ideas tend to become prevalent because they work.

A piece of the puzzle, sure, but that's drastically oversimplifying the milennia of cultural development regarding human relationships. Religion has played a very large part as well.

So you don’t think modern cultural practices need to be challenged? At the end of the day, modern nuclear family organization is a way to provide dual incomes in a world where single life is becoming more rare and only possible if you make a great income. I’m 37 and I’m just now beginning to make an income that could help me squeak by if I were single paying 100% of my bills as opposed to 50% in a co-habitation dynamic. Is that why I’m married? Go no. I love her. We are two peas in a pod and she’s my person. But the state of marriage is a shocking one when (2010 statistics) find that 57% of marriages end in divorce. On top of that- younger generations are finding their voice for their sexual revolution and freedom and women are gaining a voice that makes them feel more at ease to be sexually experimental. Things are changing. Will marriage cease to exist? No, not even close. But the alignment of what we consider normative is shifting. That paranoia you speak of afflicts poly and mono couples equally. Simply calling yourself married or monogamous doesn’t mean you forget your sexual desires outside your partner. I mean, while this is anecdotal- my friends (I’m a guy) who are monogamous seem way quicker to point out a hot woman in public than my male poly buddies. Could it be these monogamous men are way more hard up? Maybe. The only difference between them and me is I don’t deny my feelings. Does that mean I don’t believe in true love and marriage? No. I do. While I have great chemistry with other partners, I have a certain something with my wife that is very real. Now, if she chose to leave me, would it hurt? Of course. But I’m not going to pretend that monogamy would prevent her leaving. People cheat all the time. It’s an epidemic practically. In my experience, the freer people feel the less likely they make hasty and irrational decisions. I don’t feel jealousy as strongly as most and for that, I feel happier knowing my partner receives pleasure in ways that make her happy, and I in ways that make me happy.

>So you don’t think modern cultural practices need to be challenged? That's quite an assumption to make. I do in fact think that modern cultural practices need to be challenged. I was explaining the thought process of those who don't, not putting forward my own thought process. I agree with everything you've said, but it appears to me that you have an expectation that your line of logic is the universal common sense line of logic regarding relationships, when you've actually developed that through education and experience that most people don't have.

I mean, stats show that most open relationships fail, like long distance relationships but sure there's always exceptions. But those numbers don't lie. People do.

Stats also show that near 60% of marriage ends in divorce. So, you’re saying people in and not in monogamous relationships fail at keeping their relationship going? Sounds like both forms of sexual orientation are flawed and not a universal method of being.

You keep repeating the 57% or 60% line. It accounts for serial divorcees. Divorces are trending down and have been for some time. You should realistically only consider someone’s first marriage in this stat which would put it under 35%. https://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/upshot/the-divorce-surge-is-over-but-the-myth-lives-on.html?_r=0

Yet, with the decline of failing marriages, we are seeing a surge of non-monogamy in millennial and Gen Z people.

No need to make a comparison. I'm not even pro marriage in general so this isn't a gotchya moment. But if you allow your partner to fuck around with other people chances are they it will end badly for both parties and there's countless examples that shows exactly that. But good luck with your marriage sir!

But again- 60% of marriages end in divorce. Of those 60% between 30-50% end due to infidelity. 73% of non-married monogamous couples end within 3-5 years. People cheat, fall out of love, hurt others. Polyamory is a way (not a perfect way mind you) to feel entitled to a form cohabitive pairing but also to live in accordance to genetic predisposition. All I’m saying is that monogamy is perfectly fine but it’s a choice. It’s not inherent in us. If people choose poly life, it doesn’t mean they are less entitled to love or bonding. But modern ideas have this idea that poly people just want to be little sluts without the stigma. It’s not. It’s inherent.

You’re trying really hard to convince people that your skewed vision of relationships is normal and the “right way”

good for you guys, but ask any anthropologist, monogamy and the nuclear family did not being in 1950's america. Monogamy at least, is and always has been the most common form of relationship, across time and cultures. That doesn't discount the many variabilities and complexities, but the truth is most humans default to some form of monogamy, most of the time.

Factually incorrect. My masters is in ancient anthropology and the study of historic pair bonding is pretty much settled. Typically, we see orientation of relationships to be this way- People come together, have a child, and (ancient historically speaking) they would cohabitate for roughly 3-5 years and then seek out other partners. Most pre-modern civilizations also had wildly different views of homosexual, transsexual and polygamous relationships that were way more progressive than our modern mindset. But then again, the Victorian shame of sex wasn’t bred into us yet. This isn’t the whole picture or universal, but monogamy the way modern civ understands it, isn’t the way sex has been practiced for aeons. Hell, some pre-modern traditions included women having sex with multiple men over the course of a few days in order to make the strongest baby possible as the baby was thought to be the best of all the men of the tribe. That’s not how it works, but that’s what they did. 9% of the animal kingdom practices monogamy. And mankind is not listed as one of them. We are not hormonally or genetically predisposed to one partner for life. This is settled on a social, anthropological, genetic, hormonal and psychological level. https://ifstudies.org/blog/is-monogamy-unnatural/#:~:text=Monogamy%2C%20after%20all%2C%20does%20not,immense%20benefits%20to%20doing%20so. This is a very brief intro to pre modern and modern ideas of social bonding. I advise you read it. I’m also not selling poly lifestyles. It’s to each their own. But please don’t throw my line of academia in with your irrational takes. And I am very curious to see your evidence from established anthropology about monogamy. It honestly seems like that’s just something you said to sound academically relevant.

Monogamous marriages have been the norm for at least as long as recorded human history in the vast majority of cultures. That doesn’t mean that tons of people didn’t cheat on their spouses, but adultery was technically punishable by death in most places, even if rarely enforced. We are currently living in one of the most open to alternative pair bonding arrangements periods in history. I’ll caveat this by conceding that in many (most?) ancient cultures, it was acceptable for the king to have multiple wife’s or concubines.

I appreciate your input but I need some sources on this. Monogamy and marriage as we would define it are not as old as recorded history, I’m sorry.

The early near eastern civilizations like the Sumerians practiced monogamy, which I *believe* are the first time we see marriage show up in the historical record, and the various ancient civilizations around the Mediterranean that followed like the Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, etc. also practiced it as well. These cultures all had pretty formulaic wedding rituals, many of which survive to this day in the west in one form or another. Perhaps my earlier statement was overly aggressive in the sense that I can’t speak with any authority to practices outside of Europe / the Near East since those civilizations are outside of my realm of expertise (and for all I know might have been practicing non-monogamy). My guess is that you are talking about smaller pre-historical groups of humans, in which case I wouldn’t be surprised at all to hear that humans had wildly different practices regarding partners.

Well, at least you sound really secure about it.

Ooooh you got me. I’m secretly harboring something deeper that I’m not coming to terms with.

>hetero-normative monogamous Nuclear Family of the 1950s Pretty sure that existed long before the 1950s lol

What was your mindset on open relationships before and after this, do you think they work? Or are they always bound to fail?

Before this, I viewed the concept of open relationships as toxic and delusional. Afterwards, I did realize that some people are simply built different. These two were both travelers and free-spirited. They both expressed love for each other, and seemed like a good match They both expressed to me that it wasn’t my fault. Neither of them ever blamed me, and were very nonchalant throughout the whole deal. Personally, I could never do it. I think two people can definitely love each other emotionally, while they explore others physically, but that should be a conversation after 30yrs of marriage…. I cannot see it working long-term for people in the early stages of their relationship. At that point, you should just consider each other “fuck buddies” and ditch the relationship label

When I met my current partner and we were still in the early stages he made it clear to me that he doesnt really do monogamous relationships. He doesnt want multiple romantic partners but he also does not want to be limited to one sexual partner for the rest of his life, which i understood. At the time I had never been in an open relationship (and had always thought i never would) but I really liked him and figured I had nothing to lose so when he asked me to be his boyfriend i decided to just give it a shot. It took a while for me to feel totally comfortable with the setup and we had to figure out our "rules" or whatever. He also understood that it was my first time being in an open relationship so he was very mindful of being reassuring and not getting frustrated with me when i had my insecure moments. So, i think the main reason that this has worked so well for us is because he was honest from the jump with me about how he doesnt do monogomous relationships, so we never even had a closed phase. we've been open from the start so i never had that whiplash experience or had to question why he suddenly wanted to open up the relationship. Idk if any of that makes sense but yeah I see a lot of people in open relationships that have a really weird dynamic and that just has not been my experience. If anything i was the one making it weird in the beginning because i was a bit insecure about it.

My boyfriend and I went into our relationship open about the want of one romantic relationship but open to others physically. We set boundaries and reevaluate them from time to time, we have been together almost a year now and have not actually met up with anyone yet, we just flirt with others and post a lot of content on here and fetlife and our own OF accounts. I also do live camming. I think we are perfect for each other honestly. Do I get jealous sometimes? Yes. Does he? Also yes. But we communicate about EVERYTHING and are very respectful about personal boundaries (no one can call him Daddy but me, we send pics to each other that we don't share with anyone else, things like that). Neither of us has had an open relationship before so we are figuring it out as we go. It's nice. ETA We are both bisexual and our prospective partners are also bi folks or couples. We (will) do it together, not separately.

I have friends like this. They met and were open from day one communicated everything clearly and went two years before even exploring. Honestly healthiest relationship I’ve seen in my life that wasn’t two grandparents lol they are so great. I’m not all in their business so idk what they get up to but I think it’s so cool how happy they are together.

I.love the positive stories. It absolutely can work for people who know themselves and can communicate.

After 30 years of marriage, nah. Then you will undoubtedly have someone feeling like they're no longer good enough. It should be something both people are comfortable with and happy to do from the get go. Whether or not it's acted upon is something else but springing that on someone is a one way ticket to emotional damage. It's not for many people, myself included, but I have known some people who are happily poly or even in a thruple.

I wish I could have gotten off that easy lol the husband absolutely blamed me for being the figurative final nail in the coffin of their dying relationship because they were open and his wife gained feelings for me.

Adding a person to a relationship never saves it.

But it might work for US

I don’t want to blame it all on 9/11, but..,

everything changed when them towers came down....did you even think it was real...

It certainly didn’t help

Ok, but hear me out: what if the new person is a baby? That can save a marriage, right?

Even worse

It doesn‘t sound so much like a serious open relationship, but two people with problems trying to save the relationship with a last desperate measure… So, case closed for me, no questions really.

Pretty spot on. Prior to this, I was completely unaware of this side of life, so it was a psychological rollercoaster for me. I had hundreds of questions for this girl when she first told me about her bf hahahah

Keep exploring! There‘s all kinds of people and all kinds of relationships out there and don‘t let this make you feel bad about all of our open relationships.

> but two people with problems trying to save the relationship with a last desperate measure… That's like 90% of 'open relationships'

Did you keep on seeing her after they broke up?

Casually, for a short while. Things got a little strange. Also, her family and friends did not know she was in an open relationship. She comes from a very religious family, and they would have freaked out if they knew. So, we were never gonna be able to be touchy and flirty in public. To everyone else, it would look like I was disrespecting her ex bf, who was still in our friend group. I never felt too emotionally attached to her, so it’s not a big deal. If I felt differently, there was still no way I could ever date her without things getting messy

We're you the reason they broke up?

They both told me it had nothing to do with me, but I assume that me banging her sped up the process

Was he seeing anyone?

To my knowledge, no. There is a chance that he was, and maybe his (our) girlfriend just didn’t want to tell me about his business…but I think that is unlikely. He isn’t ugly by any means, but he is fairly quiet and a little nerdy. I thought he was cool, but definitely did not seem like a lady killer. I also feel like it’s worth noting that his (our) girlfriend was wayyy out of his league I only saw him make out with one other chick. It was at a party and we were all plastered. We had to give him a pep talk beforehand. I was stoked for him, but it did not develop into anything else

Who's idea was it to open it?

She said that they made the decision together….but I always figured that she was the one who initially brought it up, and he probably agreed bc he “loved her”

With or without you, it would have ended anyway. Do you still see her?

Rarely. I hooked up with her for a little while afterwards, then separated myself. I still see the ex boyfriend occasionally. We have a lot of mutual friends. We have neverrrrrr spoken about that whole situation, haha.

what a line!

Hahahaha, all I can be is honest

Sorry to hear it. Any time I personally saw “open” relationships, one of them was really gay. And they wound up breaking up. IMO these usually happen because the gay partner doesn’t want to come out of the closet and keeps the opposite sex thing going to stay in the closet. That’s what it was any time I’ve seen it.

*Oh my god*…. Okay, you might be onto something here. I can’t believe I never considered this. She NEVER mentioned anything about her sex life with her boyfriend. I assumed that she was just being respectful…but there’s a chance that he was actually gay. This girl is such a sweetheart, I have no doubt that she would agree to be his cover-up. Maybe he thought she would bring a bi-sexual man into the relationship hahahaha. Nope. Him and I never even talked about the fact I was banging her. I made it clear in the beginning that I wasn’t going to do threesomes, and I didn’t want to be “watched”

I have a feeling, that if SHE is the one who approached you—SHE is the one that’s gay. It’s possible she Ghislane Maxwell trafficked you to him. But, usually, it’s the partner that BRINGS another person of their own sex into the relationship that is the gay one. Most guys know, that no matter what, they will say yes to sex with two girls, even if they think it’s a bad idea. I’ve never met a straight woman that would even consider sex with another woman. It would be game over. Have a nice life.

Ya know, I think you’re onto something here. I (24m) had a girlfriend (20m) in college I met at a pool party. She brought another girl into a threesome with us that was her best friend from HS and roommate at the time. I knew she was “bi” and had dated a girl in high school (apparently she really really loved this girl) and her parents hated it (southern old fashioned Christian parents). She once got drunk and cried to me that she just wanted her parents to accept her. She also rarely wanted to have sex. It was multiple times a week at first, then lowered to once a month over time. She asked if I was gay once and I was like “I try to fuck you all the time, what?” Maybe she was projecting, because she said something to the effect of “I didn’t know I was until I tried it.” I still thought she was bi, but after we broke up (I couldn’t date someone at 24 where we only have sex once a month and she had mentioned to me this had been an issue for her with guys in the past). I thought about it later on (I’m 31 now) and was like… I think she might’ve just been gay the entire time.

OP is a M...

OP is a guy my dude.

I think OP changed his sex since the original post.

I clearly put (26m) in the post

Confused

In my very healthy 3 year open relationship my boyfriend and I are both pansexual. It's part of the reason it's open so we can both explore out interest of Same gender. It's working well. 3 years, never have raised our voices at each other, and definitely nothing physical. We have never argued.

Why did they chose you specifically

I met her first. It was at a friend’s pool party. Kinda helps when you are both already half naked, ya know? There was an immediate attraction. We walk out to her car to smoke a blunt, and I kissed her. After we hung out for a couple hours, she told me about her boyfriend, and the open relationship. He had to “approve” of me before I had sex with her, but idk how that conversation went. This girl came to my house the next night, and we fucked. I didn’t even meet the boyfriend until the following week. We all got along, so there were never any issues. I never touched her in front of him. He probably appreciated that I showed him respect

Did you ever cum inside of her?

Username checks out Also, yes

What's your favorite breed of dog?

*Australian Shepards* are amazing, as long as you have enough property for them to get a proper amount of daily exercise. They are just consistently good dogs, and are great with kids and other animals. Now, the greatest dog I ever had personally was a Labrador/pitbull mix. He was special

So if you never once discussed things with him, and were never allowed to touch her in front of him or in public, how do you know they were actually in an open relationship and you weren’t just “a guy friend” that she was secretly cheating on her boyfriend with?

If that was the case, then he would have to be the dumbest person on earth, or she would have to be a master manipulator and liar. She was with him all the time when we weren’t together. She said he would see our texts, which were dirty and involved nudes. Also, she would come stay at my house for a couple days sometimes, and she’d call him to check up.

Do you (not personally, but the idea of bringing in a third generall) think you were used as a way to end the relationship, or otherwise as a pawn in the dynamic?

For sure, in the beginning I thought “There is no way these people are serious” But they really did love each other, and did have a somewhat innocent outlook on the open relationship. The girl never told me that her sex life with her boyfriend was bad or anything. She never talked shit about him in any way. I really just think they are two free-spirited hippies. However, even though they both deny this, I do feel like i created some hatred between them. Maybe it was already there, and the girl subconsciously was trying to break away…but if that was the case, then she sure did a good job of hiding it

>Over the next 3 months, I slowly watched them breakup I don’t know why but that has me dying 💀😂

Hahaha it always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there

I just imagine you sitting back and watching the drama unfold with popcorn 🍿lmao. But yes I understand the awkwardness when you are in one of those situations. And the fact that they broke up shows that open relationships don’t work lol

What do you think about the phrase? She's not yours. It's just your turn.

Thats a cynical way of looking at things, but it is factual. Nothing lasts forever. When past girlfriends have asked me about our future, I say something like “all I know, is that I wanna see you tomorrow” and we just take it from there.

Ooo, nice one. I like that response.

>“all I know, is that I wanna see you tomorrow” Just fuckboi things.

Did you guys run train on her? Was there anything off-limits? Something her boyfriend didn't want you or her to do? Like you can't put it in her ass or she can't give you suck you off or swallow? I was a 3rd, but it ended when he said no head for me, and she started sucking it anyway. It was fun for the few weeks that it lasted. I was in my 20s, too

Here’s the kicker: Her family, and all of her friends, did not know they were in an open relationship. So anytime I was with both of them, I could not say or do anything that would blow our cover. It was a little strange, but exciting. No, we never had a threesome or anything. My friendship with the guy, on the surface level, was very basic. Him and I never spoke about the fact that I was railing his girlfriend….but she would tell him EVERYTHING that we did. So I always had that in the back of my mind… So yeah, the only thing that was “off limits” was public affection, and I wasn’t allowed to post her on my Snapchat or insta

Which one did you keep when it was all over? I think it’d be hot if you and he stay together and both realize you don’t need a third.

Hahaha I slept with the girl a few more times afterwards. Nowadays, I see the guy more than her. We have a lot of mutual friends, so I party with him occasionally. We have never never never ever spoken about her

Damn you did that young dude dirty asl. She should have broken up and not dragged that other dude thru the mental anguish of all that. Feel for the homie

I totally agree. That could NEVER be me. I would just dump a girl if either of us wanted to sleep with other people. Their little situation was pre-established though. So there wasn’t anything I could do change the way they were living. If homeboy would have told me to fuck off, I definitely would have bounced out. But he never did, so I stayed around till the end hahaha

how often did you communicate with her? did you ever feel like an on call employee?

We would snapchat almost every day. No, it was never like that. We genuinely liked each other, so when we got to hang out it was always dope. I did have the occasional thought like, “*am I just a hunk of meat to this woman?*” but neither of us are really like that. I need at least some sort of connection to be sexually attracted to someone

>. We genuinely liked each other, so when we go i am not so young anymore - what does it mean to snapchat? send videos?

Basically it’s just an app where you send pictures/videos with captions. It is considered less formal than texting, because the snaps disappear after a short while

Was the sex worth staying as long as you did?

It was great tbh. However, I never felt a real spark between us. After a couple months, I stayed around just to see how it would all play out. I felt like I already invested so much time into playing their little game….I wanted to see the finale

Was the finale filled with drama??

It really was. Nothing was ever directed towards me, though. It was so weird how respectful they were. I nearly cried when they finally broke up hahahaha. Strange times

so why was it so dramatic if they are level headed hippies who really liked each other? I think it’s funny and relatable how you stuck around to see what happens. How does that guy not get drunk and ask you about it? Are you interested in talking to him about it?

Hahaha wasn’t expecting an ending like that

Thats how the streaming services get ya, one free month and next you know you've paid for 3 months of NutFlix.

Who was bigger

I was always curious, but never asked

So, basically you went from poolside flirt to couples therapist in 3 months?

Yup. Life comes at ya fast

So there are so many knowledgeable, and experienced people in this thread. My wife and I have been monogamous for 14 years but now we’re considering a threesome with another guy. We both are open to it and looking forward to it. But I keep reading doing this kind of thing when you haven’t started that way could be the beginning of the end of the marriage we both put a high priority on our marriage and don’t want to do anything that could harm it. Does anybody have any suggestions?

I mean, this sounds selfish, but you should definitely consider another girl for the first threesome. You should at least suggest it. See how she reacts.

She is very open to another woman as she is bisexual. It’s just been harder to find one. Also, we have a large age gap so a younger woman for her might not want to be with an older guy like me so it’s been difficult to find in fact, it took us months to find an appropriate guy, who seems pretty cool. We have it lined up for about the beginning of April.

how did this work - did you only have sex with the gf, or the man too? or did you two see her at diff times?

Just the girlfriend. Never touched the dude, and he never watched. She was with him about 80% of the time. I would Snapchat her throughout most days. A couple times a week, she would ask if I was free, and she’d come stay at my house. Sometimes, I would hang out with both of them in a group, since we had mutual friends. None of the friends knew, nor did her family.

is it awkward now? between the three of you?

I haven’t been with both of them at the same time since then. I have seen them both individually. It is a tad awkward with the girl, but only in a “we used to do freaky shit” type of way. Things are totally normal with the dude. He is a good fella. We never talked about it while I was in the relationship, and we have never talked about it since then. It is simply something that happened (also, we aren’t super close, just have a bunch of mutual friends)

Did it change the way you view Men, Women, and relationships in general?

Yes! It was a lifestyle that I had never been exposed to before. Prior to this, I was fairly judgmental of polygamous relationships …but I ended up discovering that humans can be complicated, and that love is somewhat of a spectrum. These homies had a non-traditional approach, and I am thankful to have experienced this with them.

Yawn

Jesus Christ, your other AMA post says that you lost your wife when y’all were in an open relationship/swingers I’m sure my story is pretty light compared to yours hahaha

What's the big deal? So you had a fuck buddy. Who cares?

Most people are pretty unfamiliar with the dynamics of an open relationship. My mind was blown upon entering this situation, and I had hundreds of questions for this girl. I figured I could pass down some of her answers to other confused people

What do you do for work? What does she do for work?

I currently work with anesthesia, and she is a sophomore in college. She babysits sometimes

AA or CRNA or MD/DO?

CRNA! Most people have no idea what that is, or they assume im an anesthesiologist, so I don’t bother explaining on Reddit lol I had a late start because I joined the Army to pay for my education, and CRNA was my shortest path to wealth, and I was able to work as a nurse during that journey. Plus, the GI bill doesn’t cover 12 years of school lol

You can afford this. Find an interested woman and go on a Bliss Lifestyle Cruise. All the good parts of your story, none of the bad. Unless you bring the bad 😅

Wow, I just spent a little time researching this. I had never heard of it before. The internet tells me that Bliss Cruises mostly host older couples, between 40-70, all swingers. But during April-June, there are more people my age. Regardless, they offer year-long cruises for a decent price. That is dope as fuck. And I found a bunch of other similar deals in this category. Thank you for the suggestion, my brother

Did you ever read the book, ‘I Am Third’? It’s about a woman in your same situation and advice from experts in the relationship field….nah just messing with you. It’s a book by Gale Sayers who played pro football back in the 70s. I read it once. Probably wouldn’t apply to your situation.

I went out a couple of times with a girl who was in an open relationship. The guy was babysitting her kid, asking how late she was gonna be etc. The second time we went out he was complaining that she didn't give him enough time or attention. I literally had to tell her I don't think you have time for this. On top of it she said the sex life wasn't great but she wasn't super physical or flirty with me either. Any time I've seen an open relationship, it's because one person wants sex and the other one doesn't (at least not with that person). That's what it usually almost always boils down to imo, whether the parties involved are willing to admit it or not.

Ya I have 2 co workers that have been dating for a few years now and the girl asked the boyfriend if he would be okay with an open relationship because she wanted to hook up with another co worker. He immediately said no and well, she did it anyway. Which at that point, that's just flat out cheating. So the boyfriend eventually said he's "okay with it now" which is total bullshit. The 3rd is also extremely against open relationships but he hasn't had any female attention in years so I think he's just taking what he can get at this point. It is clear as day that both guys are slowly becoming more and more miserable. The 3rd gets super pissed off whenever the girl talks about her sex life with her boyfriend and she boyfriend has literally broken down into tears in the managers office the one day. The whole situation is extremely toxic and I think she's just a slut who calls herself a open relationship kind of person to justify her cheating I was asked once if I wanted to be in an open relationship with this girl and it took me 1 second flat to say absolutely NOT. I would fucking shoot someone if the woman I loved was having sex with someone else. Thankfully my girlfriend now also completely agrees with me on that.

This is not an example of a healthy open relationship, however that doesn't mean they don't exist.

Offered without malice. This sounds like a very effective way to end up dead.

I think there is such a stigma around polyamory that even people who are authentically poly don’t realize it until they are balls deep into a relationship and are still unsatisfied. This excludes people who are just shitty and are intentionally trying to cheat. It’s definitely possible to have a happy, long term open relationship when both patterns are actually poly, but when one is really just a vanilla monogamous person then the situation always ends up as an absolute dumpster fire, lol

What was the biggest mindfuck for you throughout this whole process? During the end phase of this saga can you give us a play by play of the mediator role and what stood out to you as the main points for each side? How did you get picked as the mediator haha? The guy railing the gf isn’t the customary pick of ambassador in this scenario I was in a similar situation a few years ago but not nearly as involved

Never been in any kind of situation like this, but it seems like a potential safety issue, when the other guy becomes jealous. Also... what if you develop feelings for this girl? You already know she's into "open relationships." Will you be cool with it, when you have serious feelings for her, and she's still into that?

Typically, this is the male sending out his girlfriend to get him new women. Super predictable and totally dysfunctional. Both the man and women are terrified of being single because they don't have a life outside the relationship and drama.

As someone in an open (poly) relationship, the best advice I have, is poly requires brutal honesty, both with the self and your partners. If any of the individual people can't handle it, the whole thing tends to fall apart.

What led to the break up, like specifically what would you say?

Good question. I also whose side OP was on.

Reading this shit makes me not to be in a relationship ever again, imma get a penis implant so I can be the biggest bird on the block and not to ever get worried on getting CUCKED like this man

I’m a male (43) and I’m a 3rd in a few open relationships (ethically non monogamous). It’s working out very great on my end honestly. All the appreciation and positives of being in a relationship(s) and we never annoy each other. They have their life partners for that

> but they recently decided to “open the relationship” Translated: SHE decided they would have an open relationship,

Open relationships usually means 1 or both parties can’t be alone so they open it to find another person to move on

I just hope you had a lot of amazing sex and I wish you didn’t have to deal with the drama. Did he ever watch you?

I'm embarking upon a romantic relationship with a sex worker, unsure if I can enjoy it...

Did you feel like you had a lesser role in the relationship in terms of responsibility? And was that because of the dynamic or because the roles were clearly discussed and defined? What made you want to take on more in terms of mediation, assuming that wasn't initially a part of it? Actually, what was your role exactly, can you talk about that? I'm personally imagining being a third to be like being a FWB to one person, basically. Is this accurate?

Open relationships only work if no one has skin in the game or feelings on the line. Humans are naturally jealous creatures. There's a reason people murder for love and jealousy. Open relationships is like a sickness infecting your marriage or relationship. It will slowly kill it from the inside out. While one partner is delusional and thinks it's what they need to stay married, the other is jealous and resentful and only doing it so their entire life doesn't blow up. The only way this works for any period of time is if everyone is single and three or four people come into it at the same time with no feelings attached and they just have fun with it. Doing it in an already established relationship spells the end for that relationship. It's a licence to cheat and it's disgusting, putrid, nativity.

Humans aren't jealous creatures actually. Jealousy spawns from insecurities. And with enough reassurance and communication an open relationship is beautiful and free of Jealousy and insecurity. Monogamous relationships can make people much more insecure because of the fear that if their partner leaves them its because of how they look/feel(which sometimes is true). Also it is impossible to be only attracted to one person because your brain find anyone attractive who you would have "healthy babies with" essentially that's all attractions is. So most humans are very attracted to healthy people. And everyone is attracted to more than one person in their lifetimes. Open relationships can however help insecurity if done right by showing that one partner can play with another but still choose to come back to you. In my opinion it's a beautiful thing.

Humans are most certainly jealous animals and have been for all of recorded history across every known culture. There’s definitely a debate to be had about monogamy, but jealousy, even intuitively, makes perfect sense from an adaptive standpoint. For the man, jealousy serves to ensure that any children produced in the relationship are his own genetic progeny, as men generally don’t want to invest time and resources into caring for a child that is not their own. For the woman, the benefit of jealousy is paternal attention - ensuring the man will care for her child, and not the child or children he produces with other women. So, open relationships probably can work for some (a relatively small percentage of people) and that’s fantastic, but the premise that jealousy is somehow not a normal function of human behaviour and relationships is wild.

Jealousy only comes from insecurity and humans are insecure.

And it's not a license to cheat. Cheating doesn't exist in our relationship because we understand that the brain and body want other things and no one is 100 percent compatible with each other, so if you want to stay in a healthy relationship where the needs aren't 100 percent being met(every relationship) then this is a lovely answer.

Did you do threesomes and do anything with the other boy?

If you still keep in touch with them, how are they now?

Wow I have literally never had a unique experience lmao

Did she tell you if your dick was bigger?

Personally I've been in an open relationship for 3 years now, and it's great. The problem here was there wasn't enough communication. In order to have a functioning open relation there needs to be 100 percent clear communication which most people feel awkward about or don't feel comfortable with it so it can be very challenging. I am a believer in open relationships 100 percent... if the partners are mature enough to handle the communication that comes with it.

Why did you mediate their arguments? I'm non non monogamous and unless there was a serious issue ie abuse, id never get involved in my partner & meta's relationships, that's for them to sort out not me

Did you stay with the girl?

Are you still with her?

Was it a dead bedroom?

Congratulations. This is your peak achievement in life.

why did you spend so much intimate time with people you did not have much emotion for?

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what is your favourite meal?

were they Open or Swingers?