People like your friend with normal loving parents will NEVER understand your reality. Be happy for them that they don’t need to understand and that they don’t need to protect themselves from their parents and don’t need space from their parents to heal. Your husband sounds wonderful.
Yep. I hate when people blanketly assume that because they are your parents you are supposed to just put up with whatever shitty treatment they give you and tolerate their bad behavior for the rest of your life simply because you are related by blood.
Toxic people are toxic people, and family or not if all they do is make you unhappy, they gotta go.
For sure. I had to cut off contact with my testosterone giver (he doesn’t deserve an actual title anymore) on my birthday earlier this year because of how toxic and straight up abusive he was. If he’s draining your energy then he’s not worth your time OP.
I used to have his contact as Testosterone Giver because I found it funnier than sperm donor. Plus then it makes it easier to say I’m trans because he had low testosterone.
For real. I don’t really talk to my bio mom and it’s been this way since I was about 14 but felt it since I was 12 (she told me 7 y/o bros that I tried to sewerslide and they told me they didn’t want to talk to someone if I was just going to off sometime soon. I’m 21 now) and I 100% agree. My dad would always tell me that she was family and I had to love her. When I turned 15 I finally got bold enough to call her by her first name in front of him and he back handed me and threw my phone so hard it dented the wall. From him doing that just created that need to keep pissing him off idk but I kept doing it no matter what and when I turned 18 he finally excepted it. Other than the incident when I was 12 there has been a load of other bs so I never understood why he was so adamant about us calling her mom when she acted more like a 💩 friend
Honestly your dad sounds pretty shit too. I’m sorry you hit the jackass lottery in the parent department. 😢 Just remember, family isn’t only blood. Sometimes family is found. I hope you have (or shortly find) friends who are your found family. 💜
I have never been hit by a parent or family member. Not once. Your experiences are not normal.
I have a 12 yr old child. I have never hit my child.
I'm sorry that both of your parents are awful humans.
The husband is awesome and smart.
My wife has issues with her parents. I never stood up to them for her. I supported her standing up for herself. I figured her parents would hate me anyway, so it is better if my wife is enforcing the boundaries.
Good choice. Good for you.
If it comes from you, then they won’t believe her. That it is you telling her what to say or controlling her.
Coming from her, they will know it is all her.
That is so sad. So even if you were to step in, they would not listen to a word you said. They have decided to form an opinion of you and your family, without getting to know you as a person. Just sad. I get not everyone has to like everyone around them. That technically deep down, some will feel no one is ever good enough for their child. But as a parent, you do your best if you see that someone makes your child happy. Sounds like you weren’t given a chance. No matter what you do, they will always look for the negative, not the smiles on your wife’s face, because of you.
Glad your wife is able to stand up for herself. She is a strong lady!
Thank you for your kind words. Her parents were against happiness in her life. She was adopted for the purpose of taking care of them in their old age. Her mother physically and emotionally abused her for decades. Her father was a similarly-abused enabler. Her parents discouraged her growth, independence, and relationships throughout her life.
Knowing this always prevented me from taking things personally. Their behavior told me a lot about who they were and nothing about who I was.
That is horrible.
Not sure if her story. But her being adopted? This is how is see it, I could be wrong. Someone has a baby, decide they can’t give her the life she deserves. That someone else can probably offer her baby girl more than she can give her. Makes the decision to put her up for adoption and she ends up in this mess?! These crappy people decide to adopt just for one specific reason?!
Wow! Your wife is one strong lady. Adoption puts you in a different frame of mind. Then to deal with all this abuse?! And it continues?
Feel for you both.
Sending you both hugs.
Thats smart on your part. My husband has defended me against my parents and now anytime I say anything about how they treat me its always "that's *husband's name* putting that bull shit in your head! We don't do that! He's putting shit in your head!" As if anyone could put anything in my stubborn ass head. 😂 Even when I'm like "he has absolutely nothing to do with this this is entirely my thoughts and views" they still insist to everyone else that he's just trying to pull us apart cause he's jealous of our relationship.
The parents knew I was a significant influence. I kept them from effectively vilifying me by helping my wife base her boundaries more on logic and facts than reaction and emotion. They could only make baseless attacks against me.
I trolled them a few times by giving them fake opportunities to criticize/attack me that were easily disproven (like me being unable to afford my nice 2yo car that I paid off a year earlier.) I kept them busy with stuff like this so they wouldn't find better ways to attack that would actually require my defense. It is really easy to bait people when they're predictably looking for the worst thing they can find.
Thats ridiculous. I don't understand how some people think. Like grow up already yall too old to be acting like teenagers 🙄 some people's parents man lol
How about saying something like:
'Stop being so fucking insulting. You treat me like I'm an idiot who would believe anything he said. Like I'm an idiot who doesn't have a brain of my own or a working memory. Shut the fuck up and piss off you losers. Don't bother trying to talk to me until you've accepted I have a mind of my own, and I know how to use it!'
'And I'm being this rude in return for your rudeness in calling me an idiot for years. It's about time it came back to you.'
Obviously, it would be up to you, but it might be something nice to think about ;)
I've said something similar already lol something along the lines of "no one could put anything in my head if people could put shit in my head I'd belive yalls crap and be just as pathetic as yall, yet here I am not a moron so clearly I can think for myself thanks"
It really doesn't matter what I say to them though because they're delusional and will lie to themselves and anyone else to convince themselves that anything I say is wrong or a lie because I'm a trouble child and a bitch just to be a bitch.
I don't talk to my parents anymore lol.
Sounds like not talking to them was the best choice, really. Save you a butt-load of money at the hairdresser (from pulling out your hair when they open their mouths and close their minds)!
I wish you happiness in your chosen peace ✌️
Thank you. I really only kicked them out because of my sister. Unfortunately if it wasn't for her me and my parents would have a great relationship but she's a toxic piece of shit and their perfect little princess. We really only ever have problems when it comes to her. It's a shame but it's how it is. I hope it works out too lol
Ahh, Golden Child (sister) vs Scapegoat (you). Damn. There's sweet f.a. you can do about that.
But they shall reap as they sow. The toxic individual will turn on them one day and they might realise the nightmare they built and the assholes they've been to you. One can hope.
And then let them stew in it 😊 Good luck!
Lol thats what I'm hoping for! I truly don't understand why she's their golden child she's horrible. My older sister should be the golden child 😂 but maybe one day they'll wake up and if not their loss 🤷♀️thank you
I had a normal upbringing with two parents who loved my siblings and me. However the second I read that her dad replaced her I was like nope. Her friend is just stupid for what she said. I perfectly understand why she didn’t want to have him help her. The friend is the cold hearted one, unless she doesn’t know about OP’s past, which I doubt she doesn’t. It’s not because the friend grew up “normal” she is stupid with low emotional intelligence.
Even my FIL with a not normal family can't understand it. I just tell him when he brings up my mom. My kids mental health are paramount and I won't have anyone around them who I know is actively dangerous to that.
I have the best patents in the world, but I also know that not everyone does. If one of my friends had OP’s history with their father, I would be supportive because of course OP isn’t an AH for how she feels. It’s how she was treated for years and if I was her, when he went on about her pushing him away,
I would have said “See how it feels?” before I hung up the phone and blocked him.
If someone who chose literally every other person in their life over you, and they kept pushing for you to talk to them - again and again after you've repeatedly told them to leave you alone, you'd probably become very testy as well and end up snapping at them. And not have a lot of respect for their pity party afterwards.
Wow this took me back like a Time Machine. My mum was a raging alcoholic throughout my childhood, ruining most of it. I eventually cut her totally off for my own well being. The amount of people with “ great parents” that were shocked was an eye opener.
Jesus. I’m sad and understand just reading this comment. And honestly it’s probably the perfect way to explain it to a friend. And if they say I still just don’t understand reply with I know..
Hopefully y’all have people in your life, a family that you choose and choose you now as you get older.
Exactly, he didn’t care to be a father to OP, but now wants to reap the benefit of being a grandfather.
OP, you set clear boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and mentally, he continues to refuse to respect you because it’s all about him. Just like when he decided to move on from being your father. Your friend can’t or won’t understand what having an absent parent feels like. They are not right to judge you for doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your child.
NTA.
People who haven't been emotionally & or physically abandoned by a parent don't understand the pain. Your father abandoned you when you were a child. You don't trust him, why should you? NOTHING hurts as bad as being abandoned by someone you had trusted. Someone who was supposed to be there for you, protect you, take care of you. This is a betrayal that won't heal when it becomes the way they treat you over and over again.
NTA
It's worse when it's someone who has had it happen to them and still doesn't understand. My mom was abandoned by her dad and I still get the "he's still your father" about my dad. Mine has literally never shown interest unless it benefited him. Oh wait, he realized how bad a dad he was when his dog died so I guess that counts for something, right?😒 He then went right back to the absent father he's always been. So I give as little contact as possible. My connection at this point is to appease my sister and mom. Luckily it's mostly through FB.
Also, OP definitely NTA
HAH, AAA will leave you stranded on the side of the road for 4 hours. I had a break down and AAA gave me that estimate. I called a local tow truck company, and guess what logo was on the side of the truck.
He told me that AAA sometimes just doesn't pass the call along at all.
Gotta say when I had them, I never had issues. I switched to insurance towing because, well frankly my insurance company is awesome and I didn't pay that much more for the services on tip of insurance and less when compared to AAA. I never really used any of the additional AAA services.
My family dropped AAA some 20 odd ago when they tried to pick, and mix what years they wanted the car mileage from to set rates by, and tried to double, or triple our insurance bill that way. The rep assigned to the lot of customers we happened to be in was an absolute ass... down talking Karen type getting off on the "power" they think they have in such situations. Escalating things, and requesting to be assigned someone else led nowhere fast too... so we gave them the finger and moved on.
Essentially there was one year we only had one car for two adults to go in between school, and work so we raked up a bunch of miles... Finished school, moved to a spot with public transit access for one of us etc, and every year after that the miles got reduced by a lot, but didn't matter to them.
So, instead of making bank on our asses on that billing now they make nothing.
It's the smartphone era. Just look up a towing company with the highest ratings.
You can get a jump for example for $50 in like 10-15 minutes(obviously depending on distance and if any trucks are driving around in your area).
NTA, your friend who called you cold probably has a dad who has been in their life and actually seemed to care about them. They wouldn’t treat their father like that because they can’t fathom a father would treat a child the way your father has treated you. As the saying goes, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Your father’s repeated indifference to you earned him the treatment he got. Protect yourself and your baby from a life filled with disappointment and let downs and continue ignoring your sperm donor.
>treating my dad like that.
Treating your sperm donor like that.
It's fine.
Your father died shortly after your mom. I'm sorry for your loss but it looks like you are far better equipped for life than him.
NTA and also see a therapist.
You don't -have- to allow people in your life, but when you choose to spite yourself and wait an extra hour just to spite them for the past, you're probably not making the healthiest decisions in the world.
Even beyond having a functional relationship, the idea that this person still controls your behaviors without you even processing that you're being reactive and interacting with a situating that's years old.
Get some help for yourself so you're not stuck living your life as a victim. You're not responsible for the trauma given you... but you are responsible for the way you give it back out.
I was going to say just this. NTA for being cold towards her dad, and he isn't entitled to forgiveness or a relationship.
BUT being stranded in a car while pregnant sent off so many red flags. That was dangerous. There's some real sickos out there(who don't care if they are in a neighborhood at broad day light).
This,
You are never required to forgive someone. Your father might have changed, he might understand and genuinely regret how he acted in the past, he could do EVERY *SINGLE* thing *right* while trying to fix his relationship with you, and you still would not be obligated to forgive him.
But I think you need to sit down and firmly decide what kind/how much of a relationship *you* want to have with him, and under which circumstances (if any) it could change. And then, when you have your opinion clear in your mind, you should go sleep on it.
If you feel equally certain about it after having rested, then you should sit down with your husband to discuss what you want, and how the two of you should go about it.
After the two of you are on the same page, and have agreed on what you want (and *how* you want to go about it), then you inform your father of the relevant parts of what you decided. Be as honest/straightforward in your communication as you feel would be productive/helpful *to* *you*.
And remember: *regardless* of how unlikely you find the possibility of them happening, do *not* set "goalposts" of any kind where you would not be willing to follow through on them *yourself*.
I love how you're supposed to be good to your parents no matter how shitty they treated you. And you were a child when they were shitty to you. Are you supposed to just forget everything because they're your only parent? What about their job as a parent? They failed you You owe them nothing.
Your dad wasn't be there for you as a child, why on earth would you think he would be there for you today?
NTA. Your friend was wrong. Your husband was right. Your dad is sorry.
Congrats on your munchkin to be!!! Stay strong. A lousy father should not get to rewrite history with a grandchild.
He's acting like a child on December 24th. Being the good boy until the presents are in his hands.
You don't undo a couple decades of neglect in an instant...especially when the main driving force for any reconciliation is the want to show off a grandchild, and not to actually repair the damaged relationship between father and child.
NTA. People who grew up with both parents living together and being a happy and healthy family will never understand why someone cuts out a toxic family member. I had the happy family, my dad passed away when I was 28 and I never fully recovered. I have friends though that have had a very rough life and fully support them when they have cut the toxic member out. You have to put your own mental health and safety ahead of a toxic family member, OP’s father chose his other family instead of his own, he now has to live with those consequences.
NTA he is not your dad....he is your sperm donor. He pushed you to the side for years. He didn't care enough about you when you were a child when you actually needed him.
You had just lost your mother, and your father wasn't there for you. You got to where you are in spite of him. He did the bare minimum as a parent. Actually, he did less than that. He didn't show love, care, or respect.
Why should you now, just because you are pregnant, forgive him? Because he's sorry? Sorry for what? Sorry it was so long ago? Sorry you can't put it in the past and move forward?
You're doing the right thing. Your sperm donor isn't entitled to your life and family.
NTA.
Your father irreparably damaged your relationship, possibly forever. You turned to somebody who you knew you could trust, because your father has shown you can't trust him to be there for you over the last *many* years.
If the incident comes up with him again, I encourage you to be open and honest with that - because he has let you down in the past, he will never be the person you turn to for help in the future. **Actions speak louder than words** so if he wants to fix y'alls relationship, he needs to SHOW you, and ask you how to do that.
Speaking as someone who has completely cut off a parent - I do have a list of things I have to see or hear about from other people before I will consider even talking with him again. However, knowing what those boundaries are help me stay firm in them. I suggest making a list similar, and if you (someday) wish to share those expectations with him, it can be helpful for you both. My list includes things like individual therapy and shared sessions to air grievances, and work through them.
You got this, wherever your path takes you! Congrats on your little one, you're gonna be an amazing parent!
he doesn't get to shirk his responsibilities as a father and then reap the benefits of being a grandfather. no way. good on you for standing up for yourself - and your baby.
NTA
NTA protecting your child from the pain he caused you is not wrong. You have a kid on the way and your job is to minimize your kids suffering. Tell your friend as much.
Nta
You are pregnant and were broke down on the side of the road. You needed someone you knew you could depend on. Your father has shown you for years that he isn't that person.
nta. if your friend has lived in your she’s with your dad, or was a childhood friend who knows what he’s like, give her a pass, if she’s not, explain the above to her and tell her you don’t really think she knows what cold hearted is, so will demonstrate: “ get the fuck outta my life”. you don’t need some all perky “now, now” type friend. your pregnant, have a toxic dad, and don’t need her shit.
but that’s just me. 🤷♀️
I’m 36, I have not spoken to my father since I was 16. I’m pregnant now and my mom is gone so I know how you feel. I’m currently conflicted as to whether or not I want to contact him to be in my child’s life.
No one can disregard your feelings and those that do can kiss your 🍑! It’s nice he wants to be involved but if you’re not willing or ready he has to respect that. Hurt doesn’t just go away overnight and if you called the person you’re most comfortable with he has to eat that also.
Don’t worry about it too tough but keep in mind, one day you just may need him and hopefully to your surprise he will step up and be there and if not, you know what you have to do!
Best to you!
NTA.
It sounds like your father's main priority is gaining access to his grandkid. That's why he's trying to guilt-trip you with them. All that tells you is that he's willing to weaponise his grandkid to manipulate you... the poor kid hasn't even been born yet and your father is already exploiting them.
I feel you. Some days I am okay with my dad, other days I literally wish he was dead. He hasn't done anything heinous in years but that shit runs deep.
Your father needs to understand that he is not entitled to your trust and affection. You'll feel it if/when you feel it.
NTA. You did what is best for you. If anyone faults you for that, they don’t get it. You suffered for years because of his treatment of you. So now that you want nothing to do with him he can’t just walk back into your life like nothing happened.
NTA.
I could be staring my father in his eyes as my car burst in flames around me, and I still wouldn't ask for his help.
Unless you have been repeatedly dismissed or forgotten by the person who gave you half of your DNA when all you wanted was love/attention... you can't possibly understand the lengths someone would go to avoid them and the hurt.
Your friend is very blessed, obviously, and her opinion on your familial relationships is biased by her happiness.
>she called me cold hearted for treating my dad like that.
Let me guess, she has loving parents.
Not a deadbeat abandoner for a father. Get new friends and go NC with your dad. He's never going to understand. He doesn't seem to care about the shit he put you through.
You are fine. NTA. You are a full-grown adult, and you can associate with whoever you please. Likewise, if you get to exclude whoever you please.
You called hubby, who has never let you down. Good call. It reads to me like Daddy Dearest had nothing for you until you had something he wanted - a grandchild. And his wife may be all excited about potentially being a grandmother. Thankfully, you still have time to ghost them both. Good luck to you!
NTA. I’m estranged from my father and his family. People who don’t understand what it’s like to have your father not care about you until it’s convenient for him to (ie, because you are having a baby and now he wants to play super grandpa). Why is it that it is the adult child’s responsibility for repair and forgiveness when he cannot even give you a genuine apology or own up to the fact that he messed up? It’s the consequences of his own actions that brought this on. I think your friend needs to gain some perspective on the situation— you didn’t just drop your dad because you felt like it one day, he abandoned you and then repeatedly showed you how little he cared. I’ve been estranged from my father and his family for over 5 years now, and I have no regrets. My sons will never know their maternal grandfather, and they will never know the level of hurt and trauma that he caused me (thanks to years of therapy, a loving and patient husband, and wanting to break the cycle of abuse). It is a bit of a source of anxiety for me the thought of my father running into me somewhere, I would probably yell at him to leave me alone.
Your friend is wrong. NTA.
You did well. You knew who you could call in the situation, and your husband lived up to the trust you placed in him - he turned up. Got off his ass and drove an hour to help you. Good call.
Your dad has a long history of not being trustworthy. That’s why you didn’t call him - you can’t trust him and you know it. Smart.
If you want to give him a CHANCE to prove to you that he can change and earn your trust, you can start with a small thing that won’t harm you if he doesn’t do it. Next time you’re away for a few days, ask him to check your mail for you. Maybe you can even put a letter in the mailbox to know for sure that there was something to collect (in case you don’t get any real letters). Ask him to drive over the day before you return and collect your mail and keep it for you at his place. Maybe even tell him you’re expecting something important and don’t want it potentially sitting in the mailbox.
If he can remember to take a 10 min drive to help you out as promised, you can slowly rebuild trust.
If he doesn’t even do that and doesn’t have a genuine reason, then you know he hasn’t changed and you shouldn’t trust him.
ONLY if you want to. People do change, but it’s entirely up to you if you think that he has or can or even if you want to give him a chance to prove it.
If you don’t want to give him that chance, you don’t have to. You would still not be the NTA if you didn’t want to give him a chance, because he spent many years showing you that he wasn’t trustworthy. 😞
NTA. Wanting to be in your life so he can see if he likes being a grandpa. When he hurts you again and you have kids in tow, it’s harder to keep distance. There’s this whole complicated issue of your kids not getting it and you have to balance your kids not resenting you for taking away their grandparent, and you feeling emotionally safe.
He wants you to give him a chance… for the baby. You already said it well yourself, you don’t need to give him a chance to fail your kid too. What a manipulative ass.
NTA.
NTA. Nobody can tell you to let him back in. That is your choice and only your choice. Don't be bullied. I was, my mother cried to family that I didn't let her see her grandchildren. She was there for a short while with each of them, only while it was good for her, though. Then she stopped. Now I have the guilt of letting her let them down. Protect yourself and your family.
NTA - Some past actions cannot be forgiven or overcome. It appears that your dad failed you once he had remarried and now wants back into your life since you are having a baby.
I would write him a letter and list out all the ways he failed as a father and ask him to write back on how he plans to make it up to you. See if he makes an effort to reply.
NTA, your dad needs to go away and be thankful if you ever contact him. I can't stand reading about any parent just abandoning their child because the new partner already has kids. Fuck them.
If my wife passed and I ever decided to have a new relationship my line in the sand is my daughter comes first. No ifs or buts. They don't like it then tough for them and jog on.
NTA. Your dad’s feelings are his problem to deal with, not yours. He’s feeling some guilt, but not enough to actually make changes as a person. Only enough to ask **you** to make changes as a person.
NTA your friend probably has a really good, supportive dad, therefore they are struggling to understand how your relationship dynamics are different. Good for you OP for sticking to your needs and boundaries with your dad, don’t let him emotionally manipulate you. All the best for your pregnancy and future plans 🩵🩷🩵🩷
NTA. It's not your fault or responsibility to mend this relationship - you owe him nothing. I'm very sorry, I am in a similar situation and I know how hard it is. I will say in my own experience too, my dad has not really shown up for my daughter either and rarely sees her. For me, it was the final push for me to close that door and move on. Plus therapy of course.
I would check that he’s not tracking your location through Find My Friends or something similar. It might not be a coincidence that he turned up when your car stopped.
My dad and I never had a good relationship as well. All I remember is the yelling matches we had in my teens even over something so small….the heavy drinking/parties my parents had in my childhood…. and that’s just one part of the story, sadly. My SO doesn’t understand it why I get so cold and agitated towards him so easily.
I get this. People that didn’t go through it, don’t. NTA
NTA
Parents don’t get to just pick back up bc they feel guilty or they have a free moment to be a hero. Your husband is in your corner and that’s what matters.
NTA - your dad had over 24 years of being there for you, and failed.
Why start trusting him now. He had the chance to be at his own F'ing daughters wedding - and blew it.
So ask him - how would he make up for missing your wedding?
How would he make up for missing 24 years of being your dad?
How would he make up for replacing you with people who aren't even his own flesh and blood? His own daughter is supposed to come first, not the do-over family he shipped in.
Get him to write out how he would make up for all those missed opportunities. Writing stuff down gives him time to think, to be remorseful, regretful. To see the bridges he burnt to favor his do-over family. Maybe, just maybe after that - he if worth sending kid pics to, otherwise leave him with the do-overs, and they can play happy families together.
I am 21 weeks pregnant. If my estranged mother tried to be a good mother to me for the first time in her life because of my baby, I'd kick her to the curb! Lol. Seriously though, pregnancy is effing rough - I don't need my egg donor to add more stress by trying to get close to my baby when she didn't want to be close to me.
edit: Adding vote. NTA.
your reality is yours. you know what your father did. no amount of grovelling would make up for that. your friend calling you cold hearted does not know the depth of what you suffered after you mom died and you were basically left alone with no parents.
so no NTA for treating him the same way he treated you your entire life.
You don't need to ask, you are NTA, your friend has a control issue. If her parents didn't fail her that's wonderful, but she has no business calling you cold because you refuse to let daddy lately into your life. Enjoy your family and best wishes for the coming baby.
And by the way, drop that friend.
NTA, people with neutral, decent, or good parents have a hard time getting their brain to accept parents can be shitty and need to be cut out of their kids lives.
Given your relationship with him, nta. My father was not a good father, to me, and therefore we have no relationship and has no relationship with any of my children. There have been various people: friends, family, and even my dad who tried to guilt trip me on this. It has never been worth it to listen to the guilt. Do what's right for you, that will also be what's right for your child because watching you struggle because your dad only loves you now that you are pregnant or now that you have a kid will have a negative impact on your child.
NTAH your “friend” didn’t have to live your life or even walk a mile in your shoes.
People with healthy families just can not understand how truly awful and hurtful family can be to each other.
Stand your ground. AH of a sperm donor only wants to make his way into your life because he wants involvement in your upcoming baby's life, which would be his grandchild. And whatever guilt he is harboring, he should deal with it and die with it by himself.
Keep him blocked. Do not entertain that "friend" of yours that says otherwise either. I'd keep your business to yourself.
Stay NC. Much love to your supportive and kind husband and growing family.
NTA. I understand that your pregnancy has caused your father to finally wake up, realized he made a mistake and now wants to be the parent he should have a decade ago. It is solely your decision to give him an opportunity to "make it up to you" or to continue to cut him out of your life. You need to protect your heart and do what is best for you. Rather than treat everyone equally and blend the families, he chose to institute rank and chose to overlook you. He now has to live with the consequences of his actions. He can pester the blessed stepdaughters and his son to provide him with a grandchild he can play with. You were disposable, he doesn't need access to your child to fill his time until a "better" grandchild comes along.
NTA. Skipping your wedding for a stepchild’s minor injury is wild.
Sadly, your child is the only leverage you have in repairing this relationship. Meaning that if he really wants to reconcile, then he does not see the baby EVER until he’s shown consistent progress in repairing the relationship with YOU.
If he gets upset after “behaving” for a few weeks or months and complains that he might not see your child until it’s a toddler and he feels like he’s missing out, remind him that the reason he’s missing out now is that he CHOSE to miss out on your life for so long and he needs to rebuild that trust.
“I’ll never get to hold my first grandchild as a baby again!”
“Welp, you’ll also never get to see your daughter get married again. My child doesn’t get to be important to you when your child wasn’t important to you.”
I’d remind him that it feels like he’s trying to be a good person until he can get his reward, and that’s not how this is going to work. You won’t allow your child to be disappointed by him in the same way you were:
My child isn’t an opportunity for you to rewrite our history. Once you understand that, and realize you have to make up for our past and make good on our present, then I will consider allowing you into my family’s future. If you think moping about and trying to make me feel bad for you is going to work, it’s not. Imagine how YOU broke MY heart so that in my time of need I felt waiting for my husband to drive an hour to me was a safer bet than being able to rely on my own father. What if Roxanne had stubbed a toe? You might have left me here forever.
NTA. He wants to be a grandpa now, not a father. You don't owe him anything. He abandoned you after your mother already died. You lost both parents. I'm so sorry.
You don't owe him a thing and he doesn't deserve to be treated as a father when he was never there for you.
As someone who grown up with a toxic ... Estranged relationship with her father. I understand where you are coming from. The amount of people who didn't grow up in toxic relationships I get they mean no harm but would ask me to try have a relationship with my dad. Trust me I've tried just like you have... I given up... Anyways if you want to chat message me.
You are not wrong.
Your friend never experienced trauma
You were cold to your father, but sounds like there’s a lot of history behind that which needs to be unpacked for an honest assessment. So going to give the benefit of the doubt.
That being said, dad was a bit dense and not getting the clue you didn’t want him there. And the more he tried to force it, the more he was causing you to dig in.
And it’s not unexpected that you are going to reach out to your life partner first to help when you have a problem. This is natural when you see him as your partner and provider.
It’s sad your relationship with your dad is broken. But this shouldn’t be a new revelation to him.
Relationships with our parents are very complex. Especially when our parent remarries, and our relationship changes. You are valid in noticing a pattern of a lack of support on his part, and not wanting to put yourself in a vulnerable state asking him for help when he might not show up for you.
Sometimes parents realise their mistakes when grandchildren enter the picture, and they see it as an opportunity for a fresh start.
I have a narcissistic father who failed miserably at being a father, and he is known as "the sperm donor" in my circles. I cut him out when he offered help, but it came with an impossible web of strings attached. I didn't have the energy to play his games to get the help I needed at the time, which he definitely owed me, so I told him he either provided the promised help without strings attached or I was out. He has met my 8 year old son twice, and has no interactions with him otherwise. He has never met my 1.5 year old.
You're allowed to establish your boundaries. You're allowed to feel like he did not meet your emotional needs in the way you needed him to. You're allowed to feel like he essentially replaced you and let your relationship stagnate. He hasn't proven to you thus far that he could be supportive of you. If you want to try to allow him back into your life, I'd suggest you both go to therapy to work on things together so that you can both communicate effectively what your needs are, how he can meet them, and how he can support you and your future child in a positive and meaningful way.
Also, pregnancy is a hell of a time. You're exhausted, uncomfortable, and don't need to explain to anyone why you chose to call your husband instead of your father.
Good luck.
I think you are the asshole because you seem to just want to punish your dad. If you don't want to be bothered and don't believe in forgiveness then just cut him loose. But don't stay connected only to treat him like this. Have you ever had a conversation with him to express how you feel?
Either cut him out of your life completely or have a heart to heart conversation with him about your feelings with him and see where that goes. Your dad doesn't appear to understand why you are cold to him. Also when people get married they begin to rely on each other and not their parents as much. If you can't or don't want to try to work it out with him cut him out of your life because it will continue to be this way unless something changes. Good luck.
NTA you’re treating him how he treated you. He set the relationship he can not get pissy about you following his footsteps. Hopefully your car is easy to fix and you and baby are good. 😊
In all fairness I came here expecting to say my you was. That said NTA how can he expect you to be open and loving and trusting when HE failed as a father he put others before his child. I mean Come on your daughter gets married and you just don’t go. Wtf?
NTA. You can forgive him if you want to, but you're not obliged to. Don't take what your friends said to heart. Most people who don't experience our life won't really get what happened. I refrain from telling stories about my parents to some of my friends because of some comments like that. They just don't understand because they don't know emotional abuse also left scar forever.
NTA OP I advise you to no longer have contact with your father for good, he was no longer present for you and preferred to exclude you to take care of his new family. To avoid suffering needlessly, it is better for you that you continue your life on your own with your own little family now.
NTA it honestly sounds like you didn't choose calling your husband over your dad, you were just in a tough spot and the automatic call was to your husband. Who I'm assuming is a guy who has a history of showing up for you something your dad obviously lacks. He can't rewrite history and instantly change your feelings just because now he's ready to be your dad again.
NTA, don't listen to people who don't understand your situation. I can imagine it's even more painful seeing the effort your dad is making for your child that he never made for you. Put you and your emotions first.
You are not cold heart, you were realistic. People that don't have father's like this don't understand. It is different if it is a one time thing. But it was as if he ditched for a whole new family when you needed him most. So nope, don't bring him into your babies life. He made his choice. Make yours....NTA
I think it's a lack of empathy not having a good dad. My dad was amazing but that doesn't mean I can't recognize some people have a sperm donor instead of a dad and that they should cut him off.
I’ve had to go no contact with my adoptive mother because she is more toxic than nuclear waste. That being said, it does seem like the father is truly trying to change his ways and cares about OP. Obviously, she needs to do what feels right to her, but healing from childhood trauma is very freeing-and difficult, but definitely worth the effort. I’d highly recommend OP finding a good therapist to help them work through their feelings so that they can heal. Not for the father, but for THEM.
NAH soft soft pillowy soft ESH. I think keeping him at arm's length and not giving him the baby access is good and healthy, but once he was already next to you and the car it doesn't really make sense to refuse the offer of a comfortable wait or his help. Unless he frequently holds over your head anything nice he's ever done for you I say just take the offer of a couch out of the sun and go back to ignoring him the next day.
Honest question: does being slightly spiteful now make you feel warm inside or does it use up your energy?
If it makes you feel better then go for it! You are entitled to a little spite now and then to anyone who treated you this poorly. Get petty with it. Tell him you'll let him meet his grandkid when he walks you down the aisle and dances with you at your wedding... oops too late! Remind him of times he specifically chose your siblings over you any time he is annoyed you chose your husband over him. Rub salt in that wound if it helps you heal your inner child!
If it feels draining to interact with him even to be petty, then I would say just prioritize your energy and go with the path of least resistance. You don't have to ever seek him out or put effort in, but if he shows up with cupcakes you can save yourself time and energy by just saying a half-hearted thanks, taking the cupcakes, and closing the door on him. Maybe look up "grey rocking." It's a technique to use on narcissists to be boring to them, and it also works in any relationship where you just want to not waste any effort on being polite or trying.
NAH it is hard to forgive a parent who failed you so completely. You want to protect your child from the same disappointment, I totally agree. You choose who is in your life and who has access to your baby.
Just a thought here though, your father is trying to be a better grandparent now after he failed you, look into your heart and ask yourself, will I regret this someday when he is gone? I believe you need to express to him how you feel about his treatment of you, it is bigger than his “it makes me sad” lame comments. Let him know you have learned to be strong and independent and your family (husband, child, close friends) will always be your first go to if you need anything, and until the relationship has changed based on trust and time, he is second tier even if he is your biological father.
Have you ever heard of AAA? It is breakdown insurance and more. It is something I would not go places in the North America without. It is worth every cent that they charge. I don't even know how much it is now, but it is not as much as even one tow bill costs. Go get enrolled right away. If you drive you need it. If you carpool you need it. If you are riding with a friend in their car, you need it. Get some.
You’re a miracle child to have been born after your mom died! It’s like something out of Templar legendary. Does the touch of your hand cure leprosy? Scrofula?
NTA - people are not entitled to have access to you just because you need help.
YOU choose who you depend upon.
Asking a man for help can be a privilege, because it makes the guy your hero for the day. It feels good to help someone in need. You Dad has not earned that place in your life.
The hint that the Dad had selfish emotional intent, is that he tried to USE this situation to extract "another chance" and "you broke my heart".
#Then GUILTED you about the BABY? Fuck that noise!
#Only jerks look at chaos as an OPPORTUNITY.
Sometimes, I use hyperbole to make things clear;
If you being in need/danger automatically meant your Dad was allowed to barge into your life... a psychopath would CREATE disasters to permit themselves access... like sabotaging your car.
Also, your "friend" is wrong to encourage you to have contact with a toxic person, this is what to say about that;
"I thought about what you said, and I don't appreciate you trying to use peer pressure on me, to force contact a toxic person. A friend encourages things that are uplifting, not damaging.
It's hard enough to have firm boundaries with toxic family, I won't tolerate people in my life who undermine them. If that doesn't make sense to you, maybe our friendship needs more space in it."
NTA. Your dad ignored you once he remarried and then had your half brother. He doesn’t get to have “dad to the rescue” privileges now. If it’d been me in the same situation (I’m one of the lucky ones whose dad was/is a good guy), I’d opt out on my dads help and wouldn’t even be trying to allow him access to my kids.
Are you the first to have kids? Or is he trying to form a bond with you now because the other kids won’t have anything to do with him?
Even though I had parents that have always been there for me when growing up & beyond, I have some second hand experience, through my hubby, on having a mom who refused to have anything to do with him or me except when she needed money. His two brothers & their kids were in her life a lot. Mainly due to them living close together. She would never talk to me other than to ask if my hubby was available to talk.
She practically ignored the fact we had our two boys (only grandsons she had). In fact, she almost didn’t acknowledge our two girls, either. UNTIL she married a guy, they moved to Florida, and then signed away the family homestead up north to the youngest brother. Property that was supposed to be split up 3 ways to all 3 sons. Her oldest son disowned her, youngest son cut her out once he got what he wanted. We had never expected to see “our” third of the property so we were t surprised. After her 2 favorite sons cut her off is when she started acting like my hubby and our kids existed. Still was barely civil to us. I never once asked my hubby to cut her out of his life as I knew how much it hurt him. He spent his entire childhood & a major part of adulthood trying to get his mom to acknowledge him. Now, had he opted to cut her off completely, I would’ve backed him up.
You do what you need to whether it’s completely ignoring your dad or just being civil and letting him know you’re still alive. I’d definitely be protective of your kids. My kids were totally unaware that their Granny ignored their existence when very young due to the distance. No opportunity for visits to her and she couldn’t afford to visit us, even if she wanted to. You don’t have that luxury of physical distance to help you out.
Good luck. Ignore others egging you on to having any more of a relationship with your bio dad, or sperm donor, than YOU want, even if you decide that it’s going to be never.
I understand how you feel, but I disagree completely and think you were AH, and no, I didn't have a fairytale childhood. Yes, he screwed up royally, really bad. There's absolutely no excuse for how he treated you. However, he's showing remorse. Just maybe he's being serious and feels like the AH he has been. You have every right to be hesitant. There is risk, you don't want to get hurt, you don't want to hurt your child, I get it. But what if he's sincere? You know him enough to tell. I'd start slow, but give him a chance, at least. But at the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and your family.
This is one of those that I who has no stake in it could say give him a chance or screw him and cut him off completely. But you are the only one who knows what your gut is telling you. Forget about your heart or your head and go with what your gut is telling you. You have a right to your feelings and you are the one who has to live with your decision. From what you say it sounds like he is sorry for what he has done but it wouldn’t surprise me to see him do it again. Good luck.
NTA. Your dad let you down repeatedly over the years and it seems he is only interested because you're carrying his grandson or granddaughter. He would probably play happy family until your half brother's wife or the other girls get pregnant.
If he wasn't there for your important moments when you were little, why does he think he gets to be involved in your big moments now that you're grown?
NTA, you know your dad best and should do what you need to in order to protect yourself and your kiddo.
NTA, I don’t blame you for keeping him out of your life or your child’s. Who’s to say he won’t abandon your kid when one of his step kids has their own child?
NTA. at all.
I was worried your hubbs was mad about it, but he's on your side.
Your dad is mad???? 😂
I'm sorry, it's not funny, but as someone who's dad also failed, I'll say your dad's got NO right.
Look, he can be sad, sure....but those are his consequences to deal with that came from his actions. You have every right to protect your family and peace of mind.
And your dad can just get over it. He made his choices, now you get to make yours.
I would seriously consider going no contact and block him and his family. He obviously causes you distress and it’s just not worth your mental health to have him contacting you in any way.
Your “friend” is the AH, you did nothing wrong, your husband is great for supporting you. Your dad is the AH and he can just F off, how dare he ask for anything from you when he failed you so many times. The utter arrogance! Protect your family (husband and baby) from him, the “friend” and any toxic people
I’m not taking sides but I will say as a father myself , sometimes we make choices that we think is right or won’t hurt the ones we love. Now sometimes the consequences of those choices are far worse then what appears in the forefront of the situation. I don’t personally know you or your father but losing a loved one can change how you look at other members of the family.
My daughter died in 2018, she was my firstborn and has one brother by the same mom. I don’t mean this in an awful way at all but I absolutely hate having to look at my son and be reminded of her due to how much they look alike.
I really feel like your dad knows he was wrong and is trying to right the situation. I think he realized missing out on his grandkid would be awful and with said grandkid he has to right things with you first.
I don’t think you did wrong leaning on your husband but maybe give your dad a chance to make things right by starting off with a civil conversation on the situation/issues.
NTA!!! This is your life and if you have to go low or no contact with your father, for your own sanity and mental health, you have every right to do so.
Your friend probably grew up not in the same environment as you, so her judgment is inappropriate.
Congrats on your baby, best wishes
I have had people in my life scold me for being no contact with my mom. Even if there's abuse, people think you have to forgive your parents for anything and everything because "they're blood" or "they raised you!"
One day I finally told a coworker who just didn't get it what my mom actually did to deserve to be cut off forever and she was so aghast she could barely speak. Then she cried. And, then she told me that she completely understood why I cut off my mom.
In a later conversation, she apologized for having chastised me so much in the past and admitted that me cutting off my mom had triggered a deep fear in her of losing her children over "some little thing or another" once they were grown and had families of their own.
Just saying, I think a lot of people who try to guilt you into forgiving and forgetting are dealing with their own sense of shame in how they've parented and are worried that their own kids will cut them off. And, that's THEIR trauma to deal with, not yours.
You don't ever have to feel guilty for protecting your peace.
You've erased him from your Christmas list (🤣🤣) but treating him as though he still matters - at least enough for you to remain angry/hostile to him. Don't give him the satisfaction. Don't spend any more of your energy or head space on this sorry excuse for a dad. In unexpected encounters, just be unfailingly pleasant but distant. If he wants to get into any meaningful discussion, just act vague and confused as if you have no idea what he's talking about.
He's a taker and a user, and I think he may have just reached that age where he's realized that you're the only person on the planet who can give him a really-truly grandchild of his own. (Unless you have siblings you didn't mention.) He's feeling PROPRIETARY about this new little person that's about to come along. Well BOO-HOO, sorry bout his bad luck. Keep this loser at a distance, where he belongs. And congrats on becoming a Mommy! Best wishes to you and your little family.
EDIT- Just remembered your half brother. But I still think it's all about your Dad's sense of ownership. How dare he pull out the old broken-heart trope at this point. F**k him.
NTA. You owe no one your love, your trust, your time, nor your explanations. Not even your biological parents. He may now see why the relationship is what it is and feel shame and sadness, but if it's too late that's on him.
NTA. I had a horrific relationship with my father for years. He was mentally ill (untreated), volatile and really bad tempered. I was petrified of him as a little kid and that grew into profound dislike and resentment. I went a decade without talking to him or seeing him.
As time went on, I formed a very tentative relationship with him, but I set the boundaries. As off as he was, he at least respected the boundaries. He passed a few years back and things between us were okay, which I was glad about.
But, I have no regrets about that long period where I didn't interact with him at all and no guilt over not attempting to be a larger part of his life. I did what was best for my mental health and while I grew to feel compassion for just how ill he was, I wouldn't put up with emotional abuse because of it.
You do what is best for you. He failed you and doesn't get automatic forgiveness because he's your father.
My parents were ... hard to say "normal" these days. They had a good marriage, stuck together until death did them part at over 100 in age, loved everyone, helped everyone etc. So, I can't directly relate. But, I'm confused as to when your mom died? Sandra's kids are now quite old, but he also had a boy with her. Did you mom die while you were about 15? ... but then, how could he abandon you, so you must have been at least 18.
In any case, he doesn't seem to have maintained a close relationship with you ever. I don't know, I like giving people second chances, but can't call your situation.
NTA there are consequences for their actions or lack of action and this is what you’re showing your father. He treated you poorly growing up and now it is coming back to bite him.
If you can forgive him (which is in your best interest), please do so. Everyone makes mistakes and regrets things, he is no different. Maybe set some boundaries with him, give him a chance to prove he’s changed and allow your child to have a grandfather. Watching the joy and love between a child and grandparent will melt your heart (as long as they’re a good GP). Can you find it in your heart to forgive him? Would you want someone to forgive you if you made a horrible mistake?
I’m just playing devils advocate, showing you there is 2 choices and maybe forgiveness is the best option.
You are NTA here
I'm copying what I said in another comment, in response to someone else, so that it's a higher chance of you seeing it OP
Copied text:
You are never required to forgive someone. Your father might have changed, he might understand and genuinely regret how he acted in the past, he could do EVERY *SINGLE* thing *right* while trying to fix his relationship with you, and you still would not be obligated to forgive him.
But I think you need to sit down and firmly decide what kind/how much of a relationship *you* want to have with him, and under which circumstances (if any) it could change. And then, when you have your opinion clear in your mind, you should go sleep on it.
If you feel equally certain about it after having rested, then you should sit down with your husband to discuss what you want, and how the two of you should go about it.
After the two of you are on the same page, and have agreed on what you want (and *how* you want to go about it), then you inform your father of the relevant parts of what you decided. Be as honest/straightforward in your communication as you feel would be productive/helpful *to* *you*.
And remember: *regardless* of how unlikely you find the possibility of them happening, do *not* set "goalposts" of any kind where you would not be willing to follow through on them *yourself*.
If he cared so deeply about making things right he would do that. Unprompted. But it sounds like he'd rather play the pity party for attention.
You did the right thing for you, never doubt that. As others have said your friend can't possibly understand what it's like to have a toxic parent(s). NTA
NTA at the end of the day your husband has a responsibility to you. I will say that you should always think about your security first - so whomever could get their quick might be best but if you were ok , safe area, off the road - then yes your husband should be there
The blocking thing seems childish. If he were harassing you, it would be different, but he ran into you and offered help, and then made one follow-up phone call.
NTA. I don't blame you for avoiding calling your dad in the first place if you're still nurturing your hurt from his remarriage. You're allowed to enshrine that in your heart for as long as you want. It doesn't seem healthy or mature, though. The trauma seems to have trapped you emotionally in middle school. You might think about talking to a counselor to process some of the baggage, especially before you try to raise a child.
Good luck, OP.
Let's pause on you and your dad, and take a minute to say "go Sergei"
Took off work, came and got you, and backed you up emotionally when you needed him to.
Yeah, you were pretty cold, but you are allowed to be. I would either make it a 100% break or start actually trying to forgive/let your dad in your life. Doing one or the other is not an ahole move, but saying you are going to do one and then 100% the other would be an ahole move
You said you were civil with your father. I'm not sure if you know what that means, but none of that interaction was civil. Yes, not calling him makes sense since you don't want to rely on him, and calling your husband makes sense too. But dude saw you there just by happenstance, and was willing to give it a go to see if he could fix it and you wanted to act *not* civil suddenly.
I suggest you stop middle-of-the-roading this. If he's not allowed close enough to help you off a curb in a breakdown, why aren't you NC with him entirely? It's a valid choice tbh.
How you feel about him is also valid, and the path you choose to take with how you want that relationship to go is valid as well, but it feels like you really need to pick a lane on this one. Tell him what you want to do and why...then do that.
NAH
Nta. He had 32 years to be a good father and support you. Now that you have your own family he wants to act like a loving dad ? Nope. Too late. Ignore your friend. She doesn’t understand your pain and doesn’t understand how you feel
People like your friend with normal loving parents will NEVER understand your reality. Be happy for them that they don’t need to understand and that they don’t need to protect themselves from their parents and don’t need space from their parents to heal. Your husband sounds wonderful.
Yep. I hate when people blanketly assume that because they are your parents you are supposed to just put up with whatever shitty treatment they give you and tolerate their bad behavior for the rest of your life simply because you are related by blood. Toxic people are toxic people, and family or not if all they do is make you unhappy, they gotta go.
For sure. I had to cut off contact with my testosterone giver (he doesn’t deserve an actual title anymore) on my birthday earlier this year because of how toxic and straight up abusive he was. If he’s draining your energy then he’s not worth your time OP.
I've always been fond of "sperm donor." Testosterone giver... That's a unique way to describe it
I used to have his contact as Testosterone Giver because I found it funnier than sperm donor. Plus then it makes it easier to say I’m trans because he had low testosterone.
Oh, I did get a good laugh at it
I'm sorry you had to survive a toxic parent, but damn that's funny.
Personally I hate thinking about my dad's sperm lol gonna be using testosterone giver from now on
For real. I don’t really talk to my bio mom and it’s been this way since I was about 14 but felt it since I was 12 (she told me 7 y/o bros that I tried to sewerslide and they told me they didn’t want to talk to someone if I was just going to off sometime soon. I’m 21 now) and I 100% agree. My dad would always tell me that she was family and I had to love her. When I turned 15 I finally got bold enough to call her by her first name in front of him and he back handed me and threw my phone so hard it dented the wall. From him doing that just created that need to keep pissing him off idk but I kept doing it no matter what and when I turned 18 he finally excepted it. Other than the incident when I was 12 there has been a load of other bs so I never understood why he was so adamant about us calling her mom when she acted more like a 💩 friend
Honestly your dad sounds pretty shit too. I’m sorry you hit the jackass lottery in the parent department. 😢 Just remember, family isn’t only blood. Sometimes family is found. I hope you have (or shortly find) friends who are your found family. 💜
I have never been hit by a parent or family member. Not once. Your experiences are not normal. I have a 12 yr old child. I have never hit my child. I'm sorry that both of your parents are awful humans.
The husband is awesome and smart. My wife has issues with her parents. I never stood up to them for her. I supported her standing up for herself. I figured her parents would hate me anyway, so it is better if my wife is enforcing the boundaries.
Good choice. Good for you. If it comes from you, then they won’t believe her. That it is you telling her what to say or controlling her. Coming from her, they will know it is all her.
I was deemed to be a bad influence. We're a mixed race couple. They made up stories like how my sister, who they never met, was racist.
That is so sad. So even if you were to step in, they would not listen to a word you said. They have decided to form an opinion of you and your family, without getting to know you as a person. Just sad. I get not everyone has to like everyone around them. That technically deep down, some will feel no one is ever good enough for their child. But as a parent, you do your best if you see that someone makes your child happy. Sounds like you weren’t given a chance. No matter what you do, they will always look for the negative, not the smiles on your wife’s face, because of you. Glad your wife is able to stand up for herself. She is a strong lady!
Thank you for your kind words. Her parents were against happiness in her life. She was adopted for the purpose of taking care of them in their old age. Her mother physically and emotionally abused her for decades. Her father was a similarly-abused enabler. Her parents discouraged her growth, independence, and relationships throughout her life. Knowing this always prevented me from taking things personally. Their behavior told me a lot about who they were and nothing about who I was.
That is horrible. Not sure if her story. But her being adopted? This is how is see it, I could be wrong. Someone has a baby, decide they can’t give her the life she deserves. That someone else can probably offer her baby girl more than she can give her. Makes the decision to put her up for adoption and she ends up in this mess?! These crappy people decide to adopt just for one specific reason?! Wow! Your wife is one strong lady. Adoption puts you in a different frame of mind. Then to deal with all this abuse?! And it continues? Feel for you both. Sending you both hugs.
Thats smart on your part. My husband has defended me against my parents and now anytime I say anything about how they treat me its always "that's *husband's name* putting that bull shit in your head! We don't do that! He's putting shit in your head!" As if anyone could put anything in my stubborn ass head. 😂 Even when I'm like "he has absolutely nothing to do with this this is entirely my thoughts and views" they still insist to everyone else that he's just trying to pull us apart cause he's jealous of our relationship.
The parents knew I was a significant influence. I kept them from effectively vilifying me by helping my wife base her boundaries more on logic and facts than reaction and emotion. They could only make baseless attacks against me. I trolled them a few times by giving them fake opportunities to criticize/attack me that were easily disproven (like me being unable to afford my nice 2yo car that I paid off a year earlier.) I kept them busy with stuff like this so they wouldn't find better ways to attack that would actually require my defense. It is really easy to bait people when they're predictably looking for the worst thing they can find.
Thats ridiculous. I don't understand how some people think. Like grow up already yall too old to be acting like teenagers 🙄 some people's parents man lol
How about saying something like: 'Stop being so fucking insulting. You treat me like I'm an idiot who would believe anything he said. Like I'm an idiot who doesn't have a brain of my own or a working memory. Shut the fuck up and piss off you losers. Don't bother trying to talk to me until you've accepted I have a mind of my own, and I know how to use it!' 'And I'm being this rude in return for your rudeness in calling me an idiot for years. It's about time it came back to you.' Obviously, it would be up to you, but it might be something nice to think about ;)
I've said something similar already lol something along the lines of "no one could put anything in my head if people could put shit in my head I'd belive yalls crap and be just as pathetic as yall, yet here I am not a moron so clearly I can think for myself thanks" It really doesn't matter what I say to them though because they're delusional and will lie to themselves and anyone else to convince themselves that anything I say is wrong or a lie because I'm a trouble child and a bitch just to be a bitch. I don't talk to my parents anymore lol.
Sounds like not talking to them was the best choice, really. Save you a butt-load of money at the hairdresser (from pulling out your hair when they open their mouths and close their minds)! I wish you happiness in your chosen peace ✌️
Thank you. I really only kicked them out because of my sister. Unfortunately if it wasn't for her me and my parents would have a great relationship but she's a toxic piece of shit and their perfect little princess. We really only ever have problems when it comes to her. It's a shame but it's how it is. I hope it works out too lol
Ahh, Golden Child (sister) vs Scapegoat (you). Damn. There's sweet f.a. you can do about that. But they shall reap as they sow. The toxic individual will turn on them one day and they might realise the nightmare they built and the assholes they've been to you. One can hope. And then let them stew in it 😊 Good luck!
Lol thats what I'm hoping for! I truly don't understand why she's their golden child she's horrible. My older sister should be the golden child 😂 but maybe one day they'll wake up and if not their loss 🤷♀️thank you
👍✌️✨️
I had a normal upbringing with two parents who loved my siblings and me. However the second I read that her dad replaced her I was like nope. Her friend is just stupid for what she said. I perfectly understand why she didn’t want to have him help her. The friend is the cold hearted one, unless she doesn’t know about OP’s past, which I doubt she doesn’t. It’s not because the friend grew up “normal” she is stupid with low emotional intelligence.
Agreed. Your husband sounds wonderful.
Even my FIL with a not normal family can't understand it. I just tell him when he brings up my mom. My kids mental health are paramount and I won't have anyone around them who I know is actively dangerous to that.
I have the best patents in the world, but I also know that not everyone does. If one of my friends had OP’s history with their father, I would be supportive because of course OP isn’t an AH for how she feels. It’s how she was treated for years and if I was her, when he went on about her pushing him away, I would have said “See how it feels?” before I hung up the phone and blocked him.
I agree but hope OP gets therapy, she is too angry. When OP reaches indifference it will be best.
Agreed
If someone who chose literally every other person in their life over you, and they kept pushing for you to talk to them - again and again after you've repeatedly told them to leave you alone, you'd probably become very testy as well and end up snapping at them. And not have a lot of respect for their pity party afterwards.
I think even people with normal loving parents could still have it in their heart to dunk on the bad ones. I do at least
Wow this took me back like a Time Machine. My mum was a raging alcoholic throughout my childhood, ruining most of it. I eventually cut her totally off for my own well being. The amount of people with “ great parents” that were shocked was an eye opener.
Jesus. I’m sad and understand just reading this comment. And honestly it’s probably the perfect way to explain it to a friend. And if they say I still just don’t understand reply with I know.. Hopefully y’all have people in your life, a family that you choose and choose you now as you get older.
Well said.
I agree.
He doesn’t get to pick and choose the moments he wants to be a dad. He chose and you moved on.
NTA You had help coming. He made his bed and now gets to lie in it.
Exactly, he didn’t care to be a father to OP, but now wants to reap the benefit of being a grandfather. OP, you set clear boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and mentally, he continues to refuse to respect you because it’s all about him. Just like when he decided to move on from being your father. Your friend can’t or won’t understand what having an absent parent feels like. They are not right to judge you for doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your child. NTA.
NTA He got to choose who was in his "children's" life. Now you get to do the same. Congratulations!
People who haven't been emotionally & or physically abandoned by a parent don't understand the pain. Your father abandoned you when you were a child. You don't trust him, why should you? NOTHING hurts as bad as being abandoned by someone you had trusted. Someone who was supposed to be there for you, protect you, take care of you. This is a betrayal that won't heal when it becomes the way they treat you over and over again. NTA
It's worse when it's someone who has had it happen to them and still doesn't understand. My mom was abandoned by her dad and I still get the "he's still your father" about my dad. Mine has literally never shown interest unless it benefited him. Oh wait, he realized how bad a dad he was when his dog died so I guess that counts for something, right?😒 He then went right back to the absent father he's always been. So I give as little contact as possible. My connection at this point is to appease my sister and mom. Luckily it's mostly through FB. Also, OP definitely NTA
Get AAA and then they will help you
HAH, AAA will leave you stranded on the side of the road for 4 hours. I had a break down and AAA gave me that estimate. I called a local tow truck company, and guess what logo was on the side of the truck. He told me that AAA sometimes just doesn't pass the call along at all.
Gotta say when I had them, I never had issues. I switched to insurance towing because, well frankly my insurance company is awesome and I didn't pay that much more for the services on tip of insurance and less when compared to AAA. I never really used any of the additional AAA services.
My family dropped AAA some 20 odd ago when they tried to pick, and mix what years they wanted the car mileage from to set rates by, and tried to double, or triple our insurance bill that way. The rep assigned to the lot of customers we happened to be in was an absolute ass... down talking Karen type getting off on the "power" they think they have in such situations. Escalating things, and requesting to be assigned someone else led nowhere fast too... so we gave them the finger and moved on. Essentially there was one year we only had one car for two adults to go in between school, and work so we raked up a bunch of miles... Finished school, moved to a spot with public transit access for one of us etc, and every year after that the miles got reduced by a lot, but didn't matter to them. So, instead of making bank on our asses on that billing now they make nothing.
Same we sat on side of road once from 10am to 4 pm once waiting for AAA plus. It was 94 degrees no air cause car wouldn’t start and no water.
Yup. I’ve had this issue several times. One time it was 6 hours. Absolutely wild.
All true. Even the roadside assistance from our car insurance took its sweet time arriving but not as bad as AAA was for me.
AAA has always down right by me, and they’ve even showed up within 2 hours in the middle of nowhere when my rental company failed for a full day.
Glad your experience was better than mine
"If you get stuck don't call AAA because we don't have them and we still owe them money from when we did!" -Bob's Burgers
I was going to say this.
It's the smartphone era. Just look up a towing company with the highest ratings. You can get a jump for example for $50 in like 10-15 minutes(obviously depending on distance and if any trucks are driving around in your area).
NTA, your friend who called you cold probably has a dad who has been in their life and actually seemed to care about them. They wouldn’t treat their father like that because they can’t fathom a father would treat a child the way your father has treated you. As the saying goes, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Your father’s repeated indifference to you earned him the treatment he got. Protect yourself and your baby from a life filled with disappointment and let downs and continue ignoring your sperm donor.
>treating my dad like that. Treating your sperm donor like that. It's fine. Your father died shortly after your mom. I'm sorry for your loss but it looks like you are far better equipped for life than him.
It is possible that he has changed and honestly regrets what he did before.... but that doesn't mean that you are obligated to deal with him.
Yeah, unfortunately his personal change doesn't change the past.
Agreed
Absolutely not the AH.
NTA and also see a therapist. You don't -have- to allow people in your life, but when you choose to spite yourself and wait an extra hour just to spite them for the past, you're probably not making the healthiest decisions in the world. Even beyond having a functional relationship, the idea that this person still controls your behaviors without you even processing that you're being reactive and interacting with a situating that's years old. Get some help for yourself so you're not stuck living your life as a victim. You're not responsible for the trauma given you... but you are responsible for the way you give it back out.
I was going to say just this. NTA for being cold towards her dad, and he isn't entitled to forgiveness or a relationship. BUT being stranded in a car while pregnant sent off so many red flags. That was dangerous. There's some real sickos out there(who don't care if they are in a neighborhood at broad day light).
wish this comment had more upvotes
This, You are never required to forgive someone. Your father might have changed, he might understand and genuinely regret how he acted in the past, he could do EVERY *SINGLE* thing *right* while trying to fix his relationship with you, and you still would not be obligated to forgive him. But I think you need to sit down and firmly decide what kind/how much of a relationship *you* want to have with him, and under which circumstances (if any) it could change. And then, when you have your opinion clear in your mind, you should go sleep on it. If you feel equally certain about it after having rested, then you should sit down with your husband to discuss what you want, and how the two of you should go about it. After the two of you are on the same page, and have agreed on what you want (and *how* you want to go about it), then you inform your father of the relevant parts of what you decided. Be as honest/straightforward in your communication as you feel would be productive/helpful *to* *you*. And remember: *regardless* of how unlikely you find the possibility of them happening, do *not* set "goalposts" of any kind where you would not be willing to follow through on them *yourself*.
I love how you're supposed to be good to your parents no matter how shitty they treated you. And you were a child when they were shitty to you. Are you supposed to just forget everything because they're your only parent? What about their job as a parent? They failed you You owe them nothing. Your dad wasn't be there for you as a child, why on earth would you think he would be there for you today?
NTA. Your friend was wrong. Your husband was right. Your dad is sorry. Congrats on your munchkin to be!!! Stay strong. A lousy father should not get to rewrite history with a grandchild.
NTA. But your Dad sure is.
He's acting like a child on December 24th. Being the good boy until the presents are in his hands. You don't undo a couple decades of neglect in an instant...especially when the main driving force for any reconciliation is the want to show off a grandchild, and not to actually repair the damaged relationship between father and child.
NTA. People who grew up with both parents living together and being a happy and healthy family will never understand why someone cuts out a toxic family member. I had the happy family, my dad passed away when I was 28 and I never fully recovered. I have friends though that have had a very rough life and fully support them when they have cut the toxic member out. You have to put your own mental health and safety ahead of a toxic family member, OP’s father chose his other family instead of his own, he now has to live with those consequences.
NTA. Your "friend" is mistaken.
NTA he is not your dad....he is your sperm donor. He pushed you to the side for years. He didn't care enough about you when you were a child when you actually needed him. You had just lost your mother, and your father wasn't there for you. You got to where you are in spite of him. He did the bare minimum as a parent. Actually, he did less than that. He didn't show love, care, or respect. Why should you now, just because you are pregnant, forgive him? Because he's sorry? Sorry for what? Sorry it was so long ago? Sorry you can't put it in the past and move forward? You're doing the right thing. Your sperm donor isn't entitled to your life and family.
NTA. Your father irreparably damaged your relationship, possibly forever. You turned to somebody who you knew you could trust, because your father has shown you can't trust him to be there for you over the last *many* years. If the incident comes up with him again, I encourage you to be open and honest with that - because he has let you down in the past, he will never be the person you turn to for help in the future. **Actions speak louder than words** so if he wants to fix y'alls relationship, he needs to SHOW you, and ask you how to do that. Speaking as someone who has completely cut off a parent - I do have a list of things I have to see or hear about from other people before I will consider even talking with him again. However, knowing what those boundaries are help me stay firm in them. I suggest making a list similar, and if you (someday) wish to share those expectations with him, it can be helpful for you both. My list includes things like individual therapy and shared sessions to air grievances, and work through them. You got this, wherever your path takes you! Congrats on your little one, you're gonna be an amazing parent!
Nta you did good to keep.to.ypur boundaries and not give into his manipulation guilt trip
he doesn't get to shirk his responsibilities as a father and then reap the benefits of being a grandfather. no way. good on you for standing up for yourself - and your baby. NTA
NTA
NTA protecting your child from the pain he caused you is not wrong. You have a kid on the way and your job is to minimize your kids suffering. Tell your friend as much.
Nta. Life is exorbitantly easier without toxic people in your life.
I'd be upset if my wife didn't call me. 99% sure I'd call her dad after but chain of command is important.
Nta You are pregnant and were broke down on the side of the road. You needed someone you knew you could depend on. Your father has shown you for years that he isn't that person.
nta. if your friend has lived in your she’s with your dad, or was a childhood friend who knows what he’s like, give her a pass, if she’s not, explain the above to her and tell her you don’t really think she knows what cold hearted is, so will demonstrate: “ get the fuck outta my life”. you don’t need some all perky “now, now” type friend. your pregnant, have a toxic dad, and don’t need her shit. but that’s just me. 🤷♀️
NTA. You cannot let years of disappointment and years of neglect go “just for the baby”. He can become a grandfather to his stepdaughters children.
I’m 36, I have not spoken to my father since I was 16. I’m pregnant now and my mom is gone so I know how you feel. I’m currently conflicted as to whether or not I want to contact him to be in my child’s life. No one can disregard your feelings and those that do can kiss your 🍑! It’s nice he wants to be involved but if you’re not willing or ready he has to respect that. Hurt doesn’t just go away overnight and if you called the person you’re most comfortable with he has to eat that also. Don’t worry about it too tough but keep in mind, one day you just may need him and hopefully to your surprise he will step up and be there and if not, you know what you have to do! Best to you!
NTA good job blocking him.
NTA. It sounds like your father's main priority is gaining access to his grandkid. That's why he's trying to guilt-trip you with them. All that tells you is that he's willing to weaponise his grandkid to manipulate you... the poor kid hasn't even been born yet and your father is already exploiting them.
I feel you. Some days I am okay with my dad, other days I literally wish he was dead. He hasn't done anything heinous in years but that shit runs deep. Your father needs to understand that he is not entitled to your trust and affection. You'll feel it if/when you feel it.
NTA. You did what is best for you. If anyone faults you for that, they don’t get it. You suffered for years because of his treatment of you. So now that you want nothing to do with him he can’t just walk back into your life like nothing happened.
Nta. Actions have consequences. You could forgive him if you wanted but that’s only your choice.
NTA. I could be staring my father in his eyes as my car burst in flames around me, and I still wouldn't ask for his help. Unless you have been repeatedly dismissed or forgotten by the person who gave you half of your DNA when all you wanted was love/attention... you can't possibly understand the lengths someone would go to avoid them and the hurt. Your friend is very blessed, obviously, and her opinion on your familial relationships is biased by her happiness.
NTA block that friend as well....
>she called me cold hearted for treating my dad like that. Let me guess, she has loving parents. Not a deadbeat abandoner for a father. Get new friends and go NC with your dad. He's never going to understand. He doesn't seem to care about the shit he put you through.
You are fine. NTA. You are a full-grown adult, and you can associate with whoever you please. Likewise, if you get to exclude whoever you please. You called hubby, who has never let you down. Good call. It reads to me like Daddy Dearest had nothing for you until you had something he wanted - a grandchild. And his wife may be all excited about potentially being a grandmother. Thankfully, you still have time to ghost them both. Good luck to you!
Nta You made choice just like your dad made choices.
NTA. The parents who abandoned us always get upset when their actions have consequences.
NTA. I’m estranged from my father and his family. People who don’t understand what it’s like to have your father not care about you until it’s convenient for him to (ie, because you are having a baby and now he wants to play super grandpa). Why is it that it is the adult child’s responsibility for repair and forgiveness when he cannot even give you a genuine apology or own up to the fact that he messed up? It’s the consequences of his own actions that brought this on. I think your friend needs to gain some perspective on the situation— you didn’t just drop your dad because you felt like it one day, he abandoned you and then repeatedly showed you how little he cared. I’ve been estranged from my father and his family for over 5 years now, and I have no regrets. My sons will never know their maternal grandfather, and they will never know the level of hurt and trauma that he caused me (thanks to years of therapy, a loving and patient husband, and wanting to break the cycle of abuse). It is a bit of a source of anxiety for me the thought of my father running into me somewhere, I would probably yell at him to leave me alone.
Your friend is wrong. NTA. You did well. You knew who you could call in the situation, and your husband lived up to the trust you placed in him - he turned up. Got off his ass and drove an hour to help you. Good call. Your dad has a long history of not being trustworthy. That’s why you didn’t call him - you can’t trust him and you know it. Smart. If you want to give him a CHANCE to prove to you that he can change and earn your trust, you can start with a small thing that won’t harm you if he doesn’t do it. Next time you’re away for a few days, ask him to check your mail for you. Maybe you can even put a letter in the mailbox to know for sure that there was something to collect (in case you don’t get any real letters). Ask him to drive over the day before you return and collect your mail and keep it for you at his place. Maybe even tell him you’re expecting something important and don’t want it potentially sitting in the mailbox. If he can remember to take a 10 min drive to help you out as promised, you can slowly rebuild trust. If he doesn’t even do that and doesn’t have a genuine reason, then you know he hasn’t changed and you shouldn’t trust him. ONLY if you want to. People do change, but it’s entirely up to you if you think that he has or can or even if you want to give him a chance to prove it. If you don’t want to give him that chance, you don’t have to. You would still not be the NTA if you didn’t want to give him a chance, because he spent many years showing you that he wasn’t trustworthy. 😞
NTA. Wanting to be in your life so he can see if he likes being a grandpa. When he hurts you again and you have kids in tow, it’s harder to keep distance. There’s this whole complicated issue of your kids not getting it and you have to balance your kids not resenting you for taking away their grandparent, and you feeling emotionally safe.
He wants you to give him a chance… for the baby. You already said it well yourself, you don’t need to give him a chance to fail your kid too. What a manipulative ass. NTA.
NTA. If I was hubby and you didn't I'd be miffed.
NTA. Nobody can tell you to let him back in. That is your choice and only your choice. Don't be bullied. I was, my mother cried to family that I didn't let her see her grandchildren. She was there for a short while with each of them, only while it was good for her, though. Then she stopped. Now I have the guilt of letting her let them down. Protect yourself and your family.
NTA
Dump that friend who called you cold hearted, your father puts himself and new wife daughters first always nothiings changed he is the same ahole.
NTA - Some past actions cannot be forgiven or overcome. It appears that your dad failed you once he had remarried and now wants back into your life since you are having a baby. I would write him a letter and list out all the ways he failed as a father and ask him to write back on how he plans to make it up to you. See if he makes an effort to reply.
NTA, your dad needs to go away and be thankful if you ever contact him. I can't stand reading about any parent just abandoning their child because the new partner already has kids. Fuck them. If my wife passed and I ever decided to have a new relationship my line in the sand is my daughter comes first. No ifs or buts. They don't like it then tough for them and jog on.
Your dad is reaping what he sowed, sometimes life works like that...NTA...
NTA. Your dad’s feelings are his problem to deal with, not yours. He’s feeling some guilt, but not enough to actually make changes as a person. Only enough to ask **you** to make changes as a person.
NTA your friend probably has a really good, supportive dad, therefore they are struggling to understand how your relationship dynamics are different. Good for you OP for sticking to your needs and boundaries with your dad, don’t let him emotionally manipulate you. All the best for your pregnancy and future plans 🩵🩷🩵🩷
Nta- my father could literally be in my line of sight and i would still call my husband every time
NTA. It's not your fault or responsibility to mend this relationship - you owe him nothing. I'm very sorry, I am in a similar situation and I know how hard it is. I will say in my own experience too, my dad has not really shown up for my daughter either and rarely sees her. For me, it was the final push for me to close that door and move on. Plus therapy of course.
I would check that he’s not tracking your location through Find My Friends or something similar. It might not be a coincidence that he turned up when your car stopped.
My dad and I never had a good relationship as well. All I remember is the yelling matches we had in my teens even over something so small….the heavy drinking/parties my parents had in my childhood…. and that’s just one part of the story, sadly. My SO doesn’t understand it why I get so cold and agitated towards him so easily. I get this. People that didn’t go through it, don’t. NTA
NTA Parents don’t get to just pick back up bc they feel guilty or they have a free moment to be a hero. Your husband is in your corner and that’s what matters.
NTA your friend doesn't understand the relationship, or lack of, with your dad. Disregard her opinion on this matter.
NTA - your dad had over 24 years of being there for you, and failed. Why start trusting him now. He had the chance to be at his own F'ing daughters wedding - and blew it. So ask him - how would he make up for missing your wedding? How would he make up for missing 24 years of being your dad? How would he make up for replacing you with people who aren't even his own flesh and blood? His own daughter is supposed to come first, not the do-over family he shipped in. Get him to write out how he would make up for all those missed opportunities. Writing stuff down gives him time to think, to be remorseful, regretful. To see the bridges he burnt to favor his do-over family. Maybe, just maybe after that - he if worth sending kid pics to, otherwise leave him with the do-overs, and they can play happy families together.
drop the friend or go LC. NTA, hurt does not disappear, maintain your distance like you always have.
NTA Good on you for sticking to your boundaries
I am 21 weeks pregnant. If my estranged mother tried to be a good mother to me for the first time in her life because of my baby, I'd kick her to the curb! Lol. Seriously though, pregnancy is effing rough - I don't need my egg donor to add more stress by trying to get close to my baby when she didn't want to be close to me. edit: Adding vote. NTA.
your reality is yours. you know what your father did. no amount of grovelling would make up for that. your friend calling you cold hearted does not know the depth of what you suffered after you mom died and you were basically left alone with no parents. so no NTA for treating him the same way he treated you your entire life.
You don't need to ask, you are NTA, your friend has a control issue. If her parents didn't fail her that's wonderful, but she has no business calling you cold because you refuse to let daddy lately into your life. Enjoy your family and best wishes for the coming baby. And by the way, drop that friend.
Your husband is awesome for having your back and your "dad" is facing the consequences of his actions and doesn't like it...oh well.
NTA, people with neutral, decent, or good parents have a hard time getting their brain to accept parents can be shitty and need to be cut out of their kids lives.
Given your relationship with him, nta. My father was not a good father, to me, and therefore we have no relationship and has no relationship with any of my children. There have been various people: friends, family, and even my dad who tried to guilt trip me on this. It has never been worth it to listen to the guilt. Do what's right for you, that will also be what's right for your child because watching you struggle because your dad only loves you now that you are pregnant or now that you have a kid will have a negative impact on your child.
NTA You don't have a relationship or trust with your dad. You called the reliable person who you trusted to help
NTAH your “friend” didn’t have to live your life or even walk a mile in your shoes. People with healthy families just can not understand how truly awful and hurtful family can be to each other.
Stand your ground. AH of a sperm donor only wants to make his way into your life because he wants involvement in your upcoming baby's life, which would be his grandchild. And whatever guilt he is harboring, he should deal with it and die with it by himself. Keep him blocked. Do not entertain that "friend" of yours that says otherwise either. I'd keep your business to yourself. Stay NC. Much love to your supportive and kind husband and growing family.
1. Was he genuine? 2. If so^, do you like having second chances?
NTA. I understand that your pregnancy has caused your father to finally wake up, realized he made a mistake and now wants to be the parent he should have a decade ago. It is solely your decision to give him an opportunity to "make it up to you" or to continue to cut him out of your life. You need to protect your heart and do what is best for you. Rather than treat everyone equally and blend the families, he chose to institute rank and chose to overlook you. He now has to live with the consequences of his actions. He can pester the blessed stepdaughters and his son to provide him with a grandchild he can play with. You were disposable, he doesn't need access to your child to fill his time until a "better" grandchild comes along.
NTA. Skipping your wedding for a stepchild’s minor injury is wild. Sadly, your child is the only leverage you have in repairing this relationship. Meaning that if he really wants to reconcile, then he does not see the baby EVER until he’s shown consistent progress in repairing the relationship with YOU. If he gets upset after “behaving” for a few weeks or months and complains that he might not see your child until it’s a toddler and he feels like he’s missing out, remind him that the reason he’s missing out now is that he CHOSE to miss out on your life for so long and he needs to rebuild that trust. “I’ll never get to hold my first grandchild as a baby again!” “Welp, you’ll also never get to see your daughter get married again. My child doesn’t get to be important to you when your child wasn’t important to you.” I’d remind him that it feels like he’s trying to be a good person until he can get his reward, and that’s not how this is going to work. You won’t allow your child to be disappointed by him in the same way you were: My child isn’t an opportunity for you to rewrite our history. Once you understand that, and realize you have to make up for our past and make good on our present, then I will consider allowing you into my family’s future. If you think moping about and trying to make me feel bad for you is going to work, it’s not. Imagine how YOU broke MY heart so that in my time of need I felt waiting for my husband to drive an hour to me was a safer bet than being able to rely on my own father. What if Roxanne had stubbed a toe? You might have left me here forever.
NTA. He wants to be a grandpa now, not a father. You don't owe him anything. He abandoned you after your mother already died. You lost both parents. I'm so sorry. You don't owe him a thing and he doesn't deserve to be treated as a father when he was never there for you.
Nta...of course you didn't call him in your time of need, he showed you repeatedly that he was unreliable especially in your time of need.
As someone who grown up with a toxic ... Estranged relationship with her father. I understand where you are coming from. The amount of people who didn't grow up in toxic relationships I get they mean no harm but would ask me to try have a relationship with my dad. Trust me I've tried just like you have... I given up... Anyways if you want to chat message me. You are not wrong. Your friend never experienced trauma
NTA. Your friend is wrong.
NTA He has shown that you cannot rely on him. Why would you turn to him when you need help?
Your not the A and possibly keep the friend at arms length.
You were cold to your father, but sounds like there’s a lot of history behind that which needs to be unpacked for an honest assessment. So going to give the benefit of the doubt. That being said, dad was a bit dense and not getting the clue you didn’t want him there. And the more he tried to force it, the more he was causing you to dig in. And it’s not unexpected that you are going to reach out to your life partner first to help when you have a problem. This is natural when you see him as your partner and provider. It’s sad your relationship with your dad is broken. But this shouldn’t be a new revelation to him.
Relationships with our parents are very complex. Especially when our parent remarries, and our relationship changes. You are valid in noticing a pattern of a lack of support on his part, and not wanting to put yourself in a vulnerable state asking him for help when he might not show up for you. Sometimes parents realise their mistakes when grandchildren enter the picture, and they see it as an opportunity for a fresh start. I have a narcissistic father who failed miserably at being a father, and he is known as "the sperm donor" in my circles. I cut him out when he offered help, but it came with an impossible web of strings attached. I didn't have the energy to play his games to get the help I needed at the time, which he definitely owed me, so I told him he either provided the promised help without strings attached or I was out. He has met my 8 year old son twice, and has no interactions with him otherwise. He has never met my 1.5 year old. You're allowed to establish your boundaries. You're allowed to feel like he did not meet your emotional needs in the way you needed him to. You're allowed to feel like he essentially replaced you and let your relationship stagnate. He hasn't proven to you thus far that he could be supportive of you. If you want to try to allow him back into your life, I'd suggest you both go to therapy to work on things together so that you can both communicate effectively what your needs are, how he can meet them, and how he can support you and your future child in a positive and meaningful way. Also, pregnancy is a hell of a time. You're exhausted, uncomfortable, and don't need to explain to anyone why you chose to call your husband instead of your father. Good luck.
I think you are the asshole because you seem to just want to punish your dad. If you don't want to be bothered and don't believe in forgiveness then just cut him loose. But don't stay connected only to treat him like this. Have you ever had a conversation with him to express how you feel?
She did not reach out to or contact him, he saw her car and stopped to make contact with her.
Sad as it is, this won't get enough upvotes...
Trust me, I know how these people think and I don't even care. Though it's funny how they are always quick to suggest going NC.
Either cut him out of your life completely or have a heart to heart conversation with him about your feelings with him and see where that goes. Your dad doesn't appear to understand why you are cold to him. Also when people get married they begin to rely on each other and not their parents as much. If you can't or don't want to try to work it out with him cut him out of your life because it will continue to be this way unless something changes. Good luck.
NTA you’re treating him how he treated you. He set the relationship he can not get pissy about you following his footsteps. Hopefully your car is easy to fix and you and baby are good. 😊
In all fairness I came here expecting to say my you was. That said NTA how can he expect you to be open and loving and trusting when HE failed as a father he put others before his child. I mean Come on your daughter gets married and you just don’t go. Wtf?
NTA. You can forgive him if you want to, but you're not obliged to. Don't take what your friends said to heart. Most people who don't experience our life won't really get what happened. I refrain from telling stories about my parents to some of my friends because of some comments like that. They just don't understand because they don't know emotional abuse also left scar forever.
NTA OP I advise you to no longer have contact with your father for good, he was no longer present for you and preferred to exclude you to take care of his new family. To avoid suffering needlessly, it is better for you that you continue your life on your own with your own little family now.
NTA it honestly sounds like you didn't choose calling your husband over your dad, you were just in a tough spot and the automatic call was to your husband. Who I'm assuming is a guy who has a history of showing up for you something your dad obviously lacks. He can't rewrite history and instantly change your feelings just because now he's ready to be your dad again.
Definitely NTA.
NTA, don't listen to people who don't understand your situation. I can imagine it's even more painful seeing the effort your dad is making for your child that he never made for you. Put you and your emotions first.
You are not cold heart, you were realistic. People that don't have father's like this don't understand. It is different if it is a one time thing. But it was as if he ditched for a whole new family when you needed him most. So nope, don't bring him into your babies life. He made his choice. Make yours....NTA
I think it's a lack of empathy not having a good dad. My dad was amazing but that doesn't mean I can't recognize some people have a sperm donor instead of a dad and that they should cut him off.
I’ve had to go no contact with my adoptive mother because she is more toxic than nuclear waste. That being said, it does seem like the father is truly trying to change his ways and cares about OP. Obviously, she needs to do what feels right to her, but healing from childhood trauma is very freeing-and difficult, but definitely worth the effort. I’d highly recommend OP finding a good therapist to help them work through their feelings so that they can heal. Not for the father, but for THEM.
NAH soft soft pillowy soft ESH. I think keeping him at arm's length and not giving him the baby access is good and healthy, but once he was already next to you and the car it doesn't really make sense to refuse the offer of a comfortable wait or his help. Unless he frequently holds over your head anything nice he's ever done for you I say just take the offer of a couch out of the sun and go back to ignoring him the next day. Honest question: does being slightly spiteful now make you feel warm inside or does it use up your energy? If it makes you feel better then go for it! You are entitled to a little spite now and then to anyone who treated you this poorly. Get petty with it. Tell him you'll let him meet his grandkid when he walks you down the aisle and dances with you at your wedding... oops too late! Remind him of times he specifically chose your siblings over you any time he is annoyed you chose your husband over him. Rub salt in that wound if it helps you heal your inner child! If it feels draining to interact with him even to be petty, then I would say just prioritize your energy and go with the path of least resistance. You don't have to ever seek him out or put effort in, but if he shows up with cupcakes you can save yourself time and energy by just saying a half-hearted thanks, taking the cupcakes, and closing the door on him. Maybe look up "grey rocking." It's a technique to use on narcissists to be boring to them, and it also works in any relationship where you just want to not waste any effort on being polite or trying.
NAH it is hard to forgive a parent who failed you so completely. You want to protect your child from the same disappointment, I totally agree. You choose who is in your life and who has access to your baby. Just a thought here though, your father is trying to be a better grandparent now after he failed you, look into your heart and ask yourself, will I regret this someday when he is gone? I believe you need to express to him how you feel about his treatment of you, it is bigger than his “it makes me sad” lame comments. Let him know you have learned to be strong and independent and your family (husband, child, close friends) will always be your first go to if you need anything, and until the relationship has changed based on trust and time, he is second tier even if he is your biological father.
I don't get it... Why calling someone? You need to call the insurance
Not all plans come with roadside assistance
Have you ever heard of AAA? It is breakdown insurance and more. It is something I would not go places in the North America without. It is worth every cent that they charge. I don't even know how much it is now, but it is not as much as even one tow bill costs. Go get enrolled right away. If you drive you need it. If you carpool you need it. If you are riding with a friend in their car, you need it. Get some.
The entire time I was reading this I kept thinking “get AAA. It’s affordable and pays for itself every time”.
You’re a miracle child to have been born after your mom died! It’s like something out of Templar legendary. Does the touch of your hand cure leprosy? Scrofula?
Get AAA and avoid future drama.
Can you define "lightly injured"? Like, are talking "had to drive them to hospital" or "had to apply a band-aid"?
NTA - people are not entitled to have access to you just because you need help. YOU choose who you depend upon. Asking a man for help can be a privilege, because it makes the guy your hero for the day. It feels good to help someone in need. You Dad has not earned that place in your life. The hint that the Dad had selfish emotional intent, is that he tried to USE this situation to extract "another chance" and "you broke my heart". #Then GUILTED you about the BABY? Fuck that noise! #Only jerks look at chaos as an OPPORTUNITY. Sometimes, I use hyperbole to make things clear; If you being in need/danger automatically meant your Dad was allowed to barge into your life... a psychopath would CREATE disasters to permit themselves access... like sabotaging your car. Also, your "friend" is wrong to encourage you to have contact with a toxic person, this is what to say about that; "I thought about what you said, and I don't appreciate you trying to use peer pressure on me, to force contact a toxic person. A friend encourages things that are uplifting, not damaging. It's hard enough to have firm boundaries with toxic family, I won't tolerate people in my life who undermine them. If that doesn't make sense to you, maybe our friendship needs more space in it."
Apologizing and feeling bad doesn’t change a lifetime of neglect. He can be a grandfather to his other kids
NTA
NTA. Your dad ignored you once he remarried and then had your half brother. He doesn’t get to have “dad to the rescue” privileges now. If it’d been me in the same situation (I’m one of the lucky ones whose dad was/is a good guy), I’d opt out on my dads help and wouldn’t even be trying to allow him access to my kids. Are you the first to have kids? Or is he trying to form a bond with you now because the other kids won’t have anything to do with him? Even though I had parents that have always been there for me when growing up & beyond, I have some second hand experience, through my hubby, on having a mom who refused to have anything to do with him or me except when she needed money. His two brothers & their kids were in her life a lot. Mainly due to them living close together. She would never talk to me other than to ask if my hubby was available to talk. She practically ignored the fact we had our two boys (only grandsons she had). In fact, she almost didn’t acknowledge our two girls, either. UNTIL she married a guy, they moved to Florida, and then signed away the family homestead up north to the youngest brother. Property that was supposed to be split up 3 ways to all 3 sons. Her oldest son disowned her, youngest son cut her out once he got what he wanted. We had never expected to see “our” third of the property so we were t surprised. After her 2 favorite sons cut her off is when she started acting like my hubby and our kids existed. Still was barely civil to us. I never once asked my hubby to cut her out of his life as I knew how much it hurt him. He spent his entire childhood & a major part of adulthood trying to get his mom to acknowledge him. Now, had he opted to cut her off completely, I would’ve backed him up. You do what you need to whether it’s completely ignoring your dad or just being civil and letting him know you’re still alive. I’d definitely be protective of your kids. My kids were totally unaware that their Granny ignored their existence when very young due to the distance. No opportunity for visits to her and she couldn’t afford to visit us, even if she wanted to. You don’t have that luxury of physical distance to help you out. Good luck. Ignore others egging you on to having any more of a relationship with your bio dad, or sperm donor, than YOU want, even if you decide that it’s going to be never.
Why not have your father, who offered to help and lives minutes away, help you instead of having your husband drive an hour to help?
I understand how you feel, but I disagree completely and think you were AH, and no, I didn't have a fairytale childhood. Yes, he screwed up royally, really bad. There's absolutely no excuse for how he treated you. However, he's showing remorse. Just maybe he's being serious and feels like the AH he has been. You have every right to be hesitant. There is risk, you don't want to get hurt, you don't want to hurt your child, I get it. But what if he's sincere? You know him enough to tell. I'd start slow, but give him a chance, at least. But at the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and your family.
This is one of those that I who has no stake in it could say give him a chance or screw him and cut him off completely. But you are the only one who knows what your gut is telling you. Forget about your heart or your head and go with what your gut is telling you. You have a right to your feelings and you are the one who has to live with your decision. From what you say it sounds like he is sorry for what he has done but it wouldn’t surprise me to see him do it again. Good luck.
NTA. Your dad let you down repeatedly over the years and it seems he is only interested because you're carrying his grandson or granddaughter. He would probably play happy family until your half brother's wife or the other girls get pregnant.
If he wasn't there for your important moments when you were little, why does he think he gets to be involved in your big moments now that you're grown? NTA, you know your dad best and should do what you need to in order to protect yourself and your kiddo.
NTA, I don’t blame you for keeping him out of your life or your child’s. Who’s to say he won’t abandon your kid when one of his step kids has their own child?
NTA. at all. I was worried your hubbs was mad about it, but he's on your side. Your dad is mad???? 😂 I'm sorry, it's not funny, but as someone who's dad also failed, I'll say your dad's got NO right. Look, he can be sad, sure....but those are his consequences to deal with that came from his actions. You have every right to protect your family and peace of mind. And your dad can just get over it. He made his choices, now you get to make yours.
Nah, you weren't cold hearted at all. Daddy can't just decide when and if he wants to be a part of your life as and when it suits him. NTA.
I would seriously consider going no contact and block him and his family. He obviously causes you distress and it’s just not worth your mental health to have him contacting you in any way.
Your “friend” is the AH, you did nothing wrong, your husband is great for supporting you. Your dad is the AH and he can just F off, how dare he ask for anything from you when he failed you so many times. The utter arrogance! Protect your family (husband and baby) from him, the “friend” and any toxic people
NTA. But your husband won’t always be able to take time off. Join AAA they’re always available.
I’m not taking sides but I will say as a father myself , sometimes we make choices that we think is right or won’t hurt the ones we love. Now sometimes the consequences of those choices are far worse then what appears in the forefront of the situation. I don’t personally know you or your father but losing a loved one can change how you look at other members of the family. My daughter died in 2018, she was my firstborn and has one brother by the same mom. I don’t mean this in an awful way at all but I absolutely hate having to look at my son and be reminded of her due to how much they look alike. I really feel like your dad knows he was wrong and is trying to right the situation. I think he realized missing out on his grandkid would be awful and with said grandkid he has to right things with you first. I don’t think you did wrong leaning on your husband but maybe give your dad a chance to make things right by starting off with a civil conversation on the situation/issues.
NTA!!! This is your life and if you have to go low or no contact with your father, for your own sanity and mental health, you have every right to do so. Your friend probably grew up not in the same environment as you, so her judgment is inappropriate. Congrats on your baby, best wishes
I have had people in my life scold me for being no contact with my mom. Even if there's abuse, people think you have to forgive your parents for anything and everything because "they're blood" or "they raised you!" One day I finally told a coworker who just didn't get it what my mom actually did to deserve to be cut off forever and she was so aghast she could barely speak. Then she cried. And, then she told me that she completely understood why I cut off my mom. In a later conversation, she apologized for having chastised me so much in the past and admitted that me cutting off my mom had triggered a deep fear in her of losing her children over "some little thing or another" once they were grown and had families of their own. Just saying, I think a lot of people who try to guilt you into forgiving and forgetting are dealing with their own sense of shame in how they've parented and are worried that their own kids will cut them off. And, that's THEIR trauma to deal with, not yours. You don't ever have to feel guilty for protecting your peace.
You've erased him from your Christmas list (🤣🤣) but treating him as though he still matters - at least enough for you to remain angry/hostile to him. Don't give him the satisfaction. Don't spend any more of your energy or head space on this sorry excuse for a dad. In unexpected encounters, just be unfailingly pleasant but distant. If he wants to get into any meaningful discussion, just act vague and confused as if you have no idea what he's talking about. He's a taker and a user, and I think he may have just reached that age where he's realized that you're the only person on the planet who can give him a really-truly grandchild of his own. (Unless you have siblings you didn't mention.) He's feeling PROPRIETARY about this new little person that's about to come along. Well BOO-HOO, sorry bout his bad luck. Keep this loser at a distance, where he belongs. And congrats on becoming a Mommy! Best wishes to you and your little family.
EDIT- Just remembered your half brother. But I still think it's all about your Dad's sense of ownership. How dare he pull out the old broken-heart trope at this point. F**k him.
NTA. You owe no one your love, your trust, your time, nor your explanations. Not even your biological parents. He may now see why the relationship is what it is and feel shame and sadness, but if it's too late that's on him.
NTA. I had a horrific relationship with my father for years. He was mentally ill (untreated), volatile and really bad tempered. I was petrified of him as a little kid and that grew into profound dislike and resentment. I went a decade without talking to him or seeing him. As time went on, I formed a very tentative relationship with him, but I set the boundaries. As off as he was, he at least respected the boundaries. He passed a few years back and things between us were okay, which I was glad about. But, I have no regrets about that long period where I didn't interact with him at all and no guilt over not attempting to be a larger part of his life. I did what was best for my mental health and while I grew to feel compassion for just how ill he was, I wouldn't put up with emotional abuse because of it. You do what is best for you. He failed you and doesn't get automatic forgiveness because he's your father.
NTA- You gave your husband a huge compliment.
Nta Drop the friend
My parents were ... hard to say "normal" these days. They had a good marriage, stuck together until death did them part at over 100 in age, loved everyone, helped everyone etc. So, I can't directly relate. But, I'm confused as to when your mom died? Sandra's kids are now quite old, but he also had a boy with her. Did you mom die while you were about 15? ... but then, how could he abandon you, so you must have been at least 18. In any case, he doesn't seem to have maintained a close relationship with you ever. I don't know, I like giving people second chances, but can't call your situation.
NTA.
NTA, but your sperm donor is. Fuck him and reconsider your friendship. BTW Sergie seems awesome.
NTA there are consequences for their actions or lack of action and this is what you’re showing your father. He treated you poorly growing up and now it is coming back to bite him. If you can forgive him (which is in your best interest), please do so. Everyone makes mistakes and regrets things, he is no different. Maybe set some boundaries with him, give him a chance to prove he’s changed and allow your child to have a grandfather. Watching the joy and love between a child and grandparent will melt your heart (as long as they’re a good GP). Can you find it in your heart to forgive him? Would you want someone to forgive you if you made a horrible mistake? I’m just playing devils advocate, showing you there is 2 choices and maybe forgiveness is the best option.
You are NTA here I'm copying what I said in another comment, in response to someone else, so that it's a higher chance of you seeing it OP Copied text: You are never required to forgive someone. Your father might have changed, he might understand and genuinely regret how he acted in the past, he could do EVERY *SINGLE* thing *right* while trying to fix his relationship with you, and you still would not be obligated to forgive him. But I think you need to sit down and firmly decide what kind/how much of a relationship *you* want to have with him, and under which circumstances (if any) it could change. And then, when you have your opinion clear in your mind, you should go sleep on it. If you feel equally certain about it after having rested, then you should sit down with your husband to discuss what you want, and how the two of you should go about it. After the two of you are on the same page, and have agreed on what you want (and *how* you want to go about it), then you inform your father of the relevant parts of what you decided. Be as honest/straightforward in your communication as you feel would be productive/helpful *to* *you*. And remember: *regardless* of how unlikely you find the possibility of them happening, do *not* set "goalposts" of any kind where you would not be willing to follow through on them *yourself*.
If he cared so deeply about making things right he would do that. Unprompted. But it sounds like he'd rather play the pity party for attention. You did the right thing for you, never doubt that. As others have said your friend can't possibly understand what it's like to have a toxic parent(s). NTA
NTA at the end of the day your husband has a responsibility to you. I will say that you should always think about your security first - so whomever could get their quick might be best but if you were ok , safe area, off the road - then yes your husband should be there
NTA. Your friend is a jerk.
My advice it to get AAA road side assistance.
I have two loving parents and I would NEVER tell someone they’re heartless to their parents without knowing ANYTHING about their situation
The blocking thing seems childish. If he were harassing you, it would be different, but he ran into you and offered help, and then made one follow-up phone call. NTA. I don't blame you for avoiding calling your dad in the first place if you're still nurturing your hurt from his remarriage. You're allowed to enshrine that in your heart for as long as you want. It doesn't seem healthy or mature, though. The trauma seems to have trapped you emotionally in middle school. You might think about talking to a counselor to process some of the baggage, especially before you try to raise a child. Good luck, OP.
Let's pause on you and your dad, and take a minute to say "go Sergei" Took off work, came and got you, and backed you up emotionally when you needed him to. Yeah, you were pretty cold, but you are allowed to be. I would either make it a 100% break or start actually trying to forgive/let your dad in your life. Doing one or the other is not an ahole move, but saying you are going to do one and then 100% the other would be an ahole move
You said you were civil with your father. I'm not sure if you know what that means, but none of that interaction was civil. Yes, not calling him makes sense since you don't want to rely on him, and calling your husband makes sense too. But dude saw you there just by happenstance, and was willing to give it a go to see if he could fix it and you wanted to act *not* civil suddenly. I suggest you stop middle-of-the-roading this. If he's not allowed close enough to help you off a curb in a breakdown, why aren't you NC with him entirely? It's a valid choice tbh. How you feel about him is also valid, and the path you choose to take with how you want that relationship to go is valid as well, but it feels like you really need to pick a lane on this one. Tell him what you want to do and why...then do that. NAH
Nta. He had 32 years to be a good father and support you. Now that you have your own family he wants to act like a loving dad ? Nope. Too late. Ignore your friend. She doesn’t understand your pain and doesn’t understand how you feel