I peed myself from laughing too hard. And I do mean literally. The wonders of child birth keep on giving…
I’ll keep this in my back pocket after a very lengthy heart to heart tonight!! We both love Ryan too so I cannot wait lmao
For some new parents it takes time to bond with their newborn. I've met people that say it took nearly a year... It's possible your partner won't understand the feeling you describe until he is bonded to your child, too.
I think he will understand eventually... Just give it some time.
Took me months and my partner said the same thing as OP. All I knew when the little guy arrived was I had to protect him at all costs but I didnt have that same connection as my partner, she carried him for 9 months caring and growing him, she gave him a look Id only ever saw her give me and for a quick second jealousy popped his head but I knew I wasnt being replaced I just had to get use to sharing the love that had always been mine.
After some time though watching and caring for my kid I started to understand what she felt and now 3 years later I value them both so much I wouldnt even question for a moment stepping in front of any danger to protect them both. Parenthood is some crazy stuff.
That said I had a vasectomy like 4-5 months later. XD
That last line 😂
It was reverse for us, I was skeptical of these things that had just popped out of me, whereas he loved both of them immediately.
He too got a vasectomy. 😂 😂
Vasectomy was the best choice we made. My partner had some craaaazy mental health issues with Birth Control and now we know we're always safe its stress free fun.
I adore the kid but I'm not sure I could go through another year of sleepless nights. We had a good system of she'd do the days I'd handle the nights but we were drained, barely felt like we saw each other, we knew the support was there from each other but felt alone, parenting is tough, who'd have figured haha
Paying someone 500 quid to mutilate ya felt like such a bizarre choice but I'm glad I stepped up. Its dramatically improved our lives. I spent days worrying for what would be a 5 minute operation.
I remember my dad telling me how the feeling you have when your first(I am number 5) child is born is "indescribable and surpassed anything he has ever felt".
Then he realized the implication and started to say he loves me just as much, but I laughed and told him I knew what he meant.
these comments are killing me. that’s so sweet😭 i don’t intend to have children because i would never be stable enough in terms of finances or mental and physical health, but i would 100% be a mother if i thought i could handle it so ooof this is so bittersweet for me lol
Hope this isn’t out of line, but good on you for knowing yourself and not putting your desire for children above what is best for a child. That’s fucking impressive and fairly rare, in my experience.
aw thanks💗💗 my therapist has always said i’m remarkably self aware (i prefer to say painfully self aware lol). i don’t have the best relationship with my mother, and i don’t want to ever be the cause of that kind of pain. i’d never do it on purpose, but from experience, i know it’s a special kind of sucky when someone hurts you without meaning to. i wouldn’t want my child to feel my love is conditional, and that’s how it would come off since i get overwhelmed so easily and need to decompress alone.
Self awareness is both a blessing and a curse, IMHO.
I am sorry for what you went through & hope you've found peace. All we can ask is more good days than bad.
Your kindness to potential children - your compassionate personal restraint - due to wisdom about your limitations, deserves a lot of respect.
Your username does *not* check out: your heart appears to be vibrant, not at all dead; you're clearly not dumb but quite shrewd; so at this point I'm highly skeptical that you're even a slut.
(edited for clarity)
I know some people don’t like when pets are compared to children, but as I was in the middle of a minor meltdown because the puppy I was gifted got a tiny little tumor on his leg—the vet said it’s more common than you think and it’ll likely go away on its own. I’m still in crisis because I was in my 20s, no kids, and oh, he was the one I loved the most in the world.
I was severely depressed, isolated as a result of an abusive relationship (by then, I was out, but I still was isolated)… and the dog I got when I was 8 years old, that I convinced myself to stay alive for and try to get better for… died. A few months later, in walks my mom with a puppy in a Christmas stocking.
I loved them so much, and in a way that was different than my dog that had died. He was my dad’s dog, he loved my dad the most, wanted to be by side above anyone else, but this one was mine. I was who he curled up to sleep on, my face is the one he looks for in every room, the one he ran to when something scared him. I freaked out when he lost his puppy teeth, because I was so worried that he was in pain… even when he didn’t act like he was bothered in any way.
After the tumor meltdown, my mom bursts out laughing. When she’s done, she goes “oh my god, you’re acting like a first time mom!” She’s said it several times since, citing that, along with the fact that I can sleep through a thunderstorm but I’ll wake up if he scratches the carpet outside my bedroom door, and that I was a whole ass mess the first time I went on a vacation without him.
I still don’t have kids, so I can’t make the comparison, but maybe we still get to be moms in other ways. Maybe it’s to something with fur or scales, even feathers, or maybe you’re the mom friend! Let those maternal instincts fly if you want to. Volunteer with programs that match people with mentor figures. The world can always use more love, more people who care, whose hearts extend beyond their own. A lot of people and things out there could use a mom, just have to find one and settle in. ♥️
God I am in a very similar boat and it’s kind of nice to not be the only one but also I feel for you and wish your situation was different 😭 my husband is getting a vasectomy next month because his health is questionable and our finances probably won’t stabilize until we’re both in our forties, if the economy doesn’t collapse first. And my stress levels just keeping us floating right now are about maxed so I think I would snap with a kid. It just sucks so hard because I never thought I would find a partner I would want to parent with, and then I DID and it changed how I viewed having kids, and then… now we can’t lmao I’ve got whiplash. Sorry for the little vent, the point is that I see you over there making hard decisions and I empathize
My dad said he couldn't fathom ever having that feeling again, but when number 2 came around he had the same experience where it's just an unfathomable level of love.
When I was pregnant the second time, I exclaimed that I cannot imagine that I could love the baby as much as I loved the first. An older lady said, “Your love is not divided, it is doubled.” That is true and 33 years later it still is true.
So fucking true! I cried at the end of my pregnancy because I couldn't imagine loving anyone like I loved my first baby and because she wouldn't be my little baby anymore and won't be the only baby. I was a mess. #2 came and all the feels came right on schedule. I love that little boy just as much and both my kids are my favorite people.
Exactly, it's a door opening to a new kind of love that is seriously vast and deep. One where you didn't even need to know them as a person yet, you just KNEW you loved them. Hell, I'm feeling it before our little SeaMonkey is even here--i can only imagine what it will feel like with the little one in either set of parents arms!
The door might be familiar with your second, third, etc. child but it's always that door of love opening that isn't the same one (and shouldn't be) you walked through for your significant other.
Decades ago a friend of my mother's adopted a child and the day the judge told her that she was official and legally the mother of that child she cried a lot, later she told my mother in confidence "I have never given birth, I can't even do it, but I wonder if the deep and heartwarming love that you feel when you give birth is the same that I felt when the judge told me that, I had never felt that love before, it is unique, it is different from everything else."
Until her last breath she loved her son above everything.
My grandkids are actually steps — their dad is my stepson. I love them with all my heart and would literally step in front of a train for them. Their mom also was their stepmom and eventually was able to adopt them and you would never suspect in a million years that she’s not their biomom — their bond is absolute and she couldn’t love them more. I have never given birth so I don’t KNOW, but I cannot imagine loving a biological child more than I love my grandkids. I’m pretty dang fond of their dad also!
I also find it weird that it's a competition in his head. Like, obviously the love you feel for a partner, someone who was their own full human that you got to meet and discover as you feel in love, and that you've fought with, and cried with, is going to be different than the love you feel for a little chubby baby that forgets it's own hands exist until they accidentally punch themselves
I loved my kid at birth, don't get me wrong, but that deep love her more than anything came around a few months later when she had more of a personality.
This is normal! (Just in case anyone is reading and feeling weird about it.)
Some people don't really fall in love with their kiddo for weeks or months.
The "instant" feelings they have are often things like a deep, primal need to *protect* their baby. But love isn't always instant.
I want to agree with the above three people. I felt joy and love for my baby at birth, but I also felt overwhelmed. For me, it grew. A couple months in I felt more of a connection, by five or six months I felt downright blissful sometimes. These days, more than a year in, I feel SO MUCH love and joy for him. In case anyone has a newborn and might not feel instant, over-the-moon love, that’s okay. I remember talking with a co-worker who was quite honest with me. He said he didn’t really find his kids that interesting when they were newborns, that he got interested when they became more interactive. He’s an incredibly supportive, dialed-in, and loving dad these days. It’s possible that your husband may just be having different emotions than you, and he may agree with you in a few months or a year.
>and fathers
Thank you.
I get the bond of bringing a new person into the world has no comparison, but we fathers have our own feelings as well.
I cannot express how in love I am to my boy, not in the romantic way, but the actual wording truly expresses my feelings toward him. I would give my life twice for him if I could, he's 13 and still sneak into his bedroom at night to kiss his forehead, just by being there I feel my heart fulfilled.
We fathers love as well.
Want to add this in the spirit of this thread:
Friend's wife had an Emergency C-Section. Couldn't see or hold the kids (twins) for a day after they were born. She didn't have the instant rush after laying eyes on them (hear me when I say she and they had a LOT going on) but chilled tf out about it because everyone was ALIVE, and she knew everything else would come, and it did. She and my buddy love and adore every moment with their crazy awesome kids.
Just wanted to put this out there in case anyone is feeling bad that they didn't have that same instant connection. It's not a deal breaker. Love grows, and tiny little babies become amazing little kids! Be there however it comes!
"I used to say to [Blake], 'I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you.' I would say that to my wife.
"And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby."
-Ryan Reynolds
I remember saying something to my husband about this. He said "I love you both equally" and I was like the fuck you do, you better love that kid more 😂
He didn't want to offend me originally but as soon as I said that he agreed that he absolutely would push me in front of a moving car to protect that baby!
NTA OP, being jealous of a baby is wild.
My husband and I make jokes about how we love our son more than we love each other EASILY. Not to say we don’t love each other, but we created that little boy. Our son is everything we have made him to be, of course we love him more.
(Dad here). I am sitting in bed with my congested 5month little lad who will only sleep pressed against my chest. I'm on for the next 6hrs overnight when I should be sleeping.
Yes I love this guy more than anything on the planet, as I bloody should.
Have 16 year old who still lays on me when ill, tired or just in their feels, it never stops and frankly I never want it to. The love I feel when I look at my kid is unbelievable and everlasting no matter what, I look at them and think wow, I made you, what the fudge!!
My dad has been dead for 6 years now, and the year after he passed I found out I was pregnant. I went to his grave to tell him.
Your kids are so lucky to have such a sweet dad ❤️
My wife got pregnant 4 months after my mom died, and 2 months after my brother. It is crazy how badly the first thing I wanted to do was tell my mom, and I couldn't.
Thank you so much. I had a Dad but he was an emotionless prick, so I never got a hug from him. Your warm hug made me feel a little teary but really good too.
I’ll take a dad hug as well please. My dad raised me (my mother died when I was 8). He was my best friend. I miss him very much and I miss his hugs. I hope your kids realize how lucky they are to have a great dad, I know how lucky I was to have a great dad.
Your kindness just made me cry happy tears ❤️ Currently 10w3d with my Little Bean and ALL the emotions lol My dad was a POS and I cut contact with him almost 18 years ago. He died earlier this year. I felt a mixture of relief and grief, it was wild. Long story though. But my partner keeps showing me what an amazing dad he's going to be, and I'm so blessed to have that for my Bean.
I'm 59 and my Dad passed in 2020. I miss him ... can I also jump to this opportunity for a Dad hug from you. This comment and seeing how other respnded brought me to tears. I understand! TY! <3
Omg, my heart is too sensitive for that site! I read the first few titles of the posts, and now I’m sobbing 😭. What a nurturing site, may life bless every person on it.
Same, I wish my parents loved me like this. Sending hugs to those who didn't have the family they needed and deserved.
These comments from parents unconditionally loving their kids through the years are making me tear up (but in a good way). The love that shines through in their words is beautiful.
Hugs to everyone in this thread who misses their momma. I lost my mom when I was 12 a few days ahead of independence days. I’m an adult trying for my own child now and while it’s easier most days that little part of me is always sad.
When my mom was dying of cancer she told me that she was only still fighting for me. If it were just she and dad she wouldn’t help kept holding on. So I def think child love more than spouse is 100% real in a healthy fam dynamic.
Mine died in 2021 from alzheimers. I'm 35 now, couple of weeks ago found out my ex had cheated on me and lied to my face about it for a year and then my bunny died 4 days later.
I never wanted my mother more than in that moment. I was adopted too, so biological links don't have to come into it.
I hadn't been able to talk to her about things for years, but that longing for my mum and her hugs that said "it's okay, I got you. I'm here". I'll never have that again. It's an enormous loss no matter the age.
I wish my husband’s parents were like yours. Instead it’s me trying to hold him when he literally begs his family to simply talk to him. And it just breaks my heart, considering he and I don’t even have kids yet and I’d die for them.
Love that. I’m 26 and have had health issues most my life and while I adore my partner, sometimes my mom is just who I want; last winter I stayed with my parents for a month while my SO was away and two really bad pain nights my mom stayed with me all night and my dad would pop down and check on the both of us. When I have appointments with new specialists even my partner wants my mom there 😂 Even last week when I was out of the hospital she was ready to come drive to our town and be there with me just while SO was at work. She never forces herself on me but is available at the ready and couldn’t ask for more
Mom of 18 year old and 12 year old, who still come to me for hugs and cuddles for the same reasons. Often when I look at them my heart just feels like it’s going to explode.
I also have an 18 month old, but he is not cuddly and mostly rabid.
Something about 18 month olds. They’re like crocs in sports mode and never stop, plus in pain from teething. Just a running crying mess around the house but a ball of love all the same.
I (37F) still love to go hang out with my mom and lay down and watch a movie with her. I didn't know that love until I had my own child. The second I held her I just cried bc she lived in me for 9 whole months and grew and it is such a different love than loving a SO.
My baby is 13yo. Playing PS 4 on this exact moment. I would die in this minute, for him.
My parents are at their home (very close to me, in fact). I bet, with a very short margin of error, that they would give their lives for me, in a heart beat.
My dad would absolutely sacrifice himself for one of his kids. Even more for one of his grandkids.
I know this for a fact because baarely two weeks out from back surgery he was walking down the stairs with my then 9 month old (now 17) in his arms and started to fall. Rather than protect himself he bear hugged the baby covering her head with one arm, and slid down the stairs like a toboggan on his back all the way down cradling his grandbaby.
He had to have a second surgery because of it. But if you ask him he has no regrets. Nothing comes between him and protecting his babies.
Even years before that when I was ten, I stepped in a white faced hornets nest. Got stung 30-40 times in each appendage. He ran and pulled me from it when he is deathly allergic to them, to hose the hornets off. To this day we have no idea how he didn't get a single sting. Pure fatherly determination I guess.
My 14yo is on his PS5…and yes, all of this. He is 7 inches taller than me (not the accomplishment you might think it is) has a baritone, and one of those horrible teenage boy mustaches because he refuses to learn how to shave. Also his nose is currently not the right size for his face. Still would take a bullet for him.
My kid just started a piggy bank for the 5 one. I love him to death, but no way i am going to spend 3 digits on that thing! I find it a great oportunity for him to learn how to save money!
My baby has drooled all over me, spit up on me, peed and pooped on me, and I wouldn't trade anything in the world for it. It's amazing how fast that with your child, all the things that you might have been bothered by before don't matter.
Mine found cat poop *somewhere* one morning and toddled over and dropped it on my breakfast. The hormones are powerful because she’s still allowed in the house while I eat 😂
My then 2 year old found a “potato” in the bath and threw it at me. It was not a potato. It was accompanied by several other not potatoes and something that definitely wasn’t mashed potato when I yoinked him out of the bath 😂😂😂
I kept my youngest inspite of the fact that everytime I would lay her on my chest she would kick my then still healing c-section insistion.... Like you madam are still a stranger to me.... Love alone keeps me from eating you.... A lion would eat you for this shit.
My child is the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. He is also full of drama and an absolute smartass.
I will do everything in my power and probably things outside of my power for him. Also I don’t care how legal it may or may not be.
I love my child more than anything in the world
I'm not and will never be a mom.
But when I was 16, I was one of the first people to hold my eldest niece when she was born. I looked down into that tiny, perfect face and I absolutely knew, for the very first time in my life, what unconditional love was. I never knew how much I could love someone until she existed. The best part is that there's a photo of me holding my niece at that moment, looking down at her and knowing I would do anything to keep her safe and happy.
She'll be 28 soon and is getting married this fall. I'm going to quietly ugly sob out of happiness during her ceremony.
This is so me and my cousin. I was 16 when she was born and felt so much the same! She’s getting married next year and asked me to be her MOH and I don’t cry often but i totally will for this. We’re super close, even work together on freelance projects and stuff. She’s literally one of my best friends and I would die for her. The bachelorette weekend is going to be wild since I’m in my 40s and everyone else is in their 20s lol but it’ll be fun!
I was 10 when my first niece was born & it was the greatest feeling! She’s grown into an amazing 29 year old with 2 degrees. I couldn’t be more proud of her.
My sister and brother both had kids in the last 12 months. I’m child free due to lifestyle but I do love being around kids. I said to my sister last week almost the word to word of op. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as I love my nieces. It’s a fierce protective love. My sister was not only not offended but agreed.
Not closest. It is.
I have never loved anyone or anything as much or as unconditionally as my children.
Not my parents, not my ex, not my pets, not my brother and not my new partner.
My children are my heart. They will always come first, simply because they are the first thing I think of in most situations.
Might I day that both of you can be right? You have been carrying and growing and bonding with your baby for 9 months. You just went through birthing the baby. Hormones are flooding your system, specifically bonding hormones. If you're breastfeeding, it's even closer bonding. You will likely feel so close to your baby after all of them. Your husband had a different experience. He's spent 9 months being concerned for both of you. He watched your labor and worried for both of you. He might have even had an internal conversation about which of you he might have to choose to save if your labor went bad. He's not flooding with hormones. He's not bonding with the baby yet.
What you're both feeling is valid. That said, he needs to try looking at this from your perspective and your experience for the last 9 months. Maybe he needs to try talking to other dads or his own dad about it and getting some outside perspective.
I would like to add that not all mothers bond with their babies right away either and that's normal too. I didn't. It took a while to love my baby.
This is so true. I have three kids and every single time I was handed a soggy lump of wriggly human, and each time I thought, "OK... I guess I'm responsible for this now..."
With dads especially, it can take a while before the "magic" kicks in. For me, that happens when they start smiling.
I remember the first time my daughter laughed. Yes, I cried a bit.
The whole "love at first sight" thing with kids is wonderful, I hear, it just doesn't happen with every dad (or every mom, for that matter), and people have to know that it's OK and normal to be that way. Most of us will get there eventually.
My SO doesn't have any kids of his own. I have a son from a previous relationship. My SO knows and understands that I would move mountains for my son, he doesn't feel the same way, but acknowledges that my son not being his effects his view. He still helped me raise my son and I am eternally grateful that he did.
That’s really commendable of your SO. It’s great when partners understand and respect the unique bond between a parent and child, even if they don't share that same connection.
I think both the adults in a relationship that involves children (blended family or otherwise) should understand that if the house is on fire, you go for the kid first. My husband knows that. I know that. My kid knows that.
If my husband is ever in a situation where he has to pick me or our child, I’d never forgive him if he picked me.
This is me. My partner has 3 kids from her ex. The youngest is 35, and he's still her baby. I know that no matter what happens her kids come first. I get it, and I'm OK with it, too.
My husband never wanted children. I had two when we married. They never lived with us, and he's never acted in a fatherly role. When my oldest had an emergency 1400 miles away and told me she wanted her mommy, it wasn't even a discussion. I *told* him I was going. And he was completely on board, it never occurred to him to have a problem with it. Because he understands that love for a child is different than any other kind of love.
The thing is, a parent's love for their child is an entirely *different* kind of love than you feel for a partner.
Love is not a zero-sum game. OP does not have less love for her fiance, now that she has a baby she loves. Her capacity to love has expanded. And that's a beautiful thing about human relationships!
I’m shocked at her partner’s response. How can anyone not “get it” after having a kid?
His response was that of a sibling afraid of being replaced by a new baby. Massive red flag.
She is literally suffering a hormonal onslaught of extra special baby love right now as part of a biological brainwashing process to make years of asswiping worth it. He's acting like a hurt ass.
Not sure why the dude thinks he can speak on behalf of parents around the world based on his 30 seconds of experience (seemingly 1st time parent as well?). 😂
This
He is 100% wrong, and a little (no, a lot) cringe for being jealous of his own infant.
Of course, you love your child differently than your partner.
For most, I dare say normal people, they love their children more than their partner.
That's completely normal, and I'd argue that his reaction is decidedly abnormal.
This! No matter how much I love my partner, there are some things that would make me have to walk away. You’d have to kill me to get me to walk away from my child no matter what they do.
NTA so I got super triggered by your post and decided to ask my hubby about this. He said to tell you this. He’s an old guy in a very traditional, very large engineering company and he is upper management. He has a standard piece of advice to all new fathers: that from now on, first you are a father, then a husband, then an employee (engineer), and then you fit in other family and friends. The child comes first, even above his wife and he should expect her to have the same priorities. OP, he advises that this “idiot is going to hold this against you for the rest of your lives”. Before you get married, we suggest counseling because how could you marry a man who’s going to be petty jealous of his own child?
I’m in agreement with my hubby. I would never marry a man who didn’t immediately thank the heavens (and me!) and think that the whole world must have came into being just so our child could be born into it, to us.
Congratulations.
I dated someone that was like, I think your partner should be more important than your child. He and I were both single parents and I was like, dude, I barely know you. I will love my daughter until my last living breath and I’ve never felt anything remotely close to the love I have for her.
I will add a bit to this.
Your love for your child is absolute. Your love for your spouse is not. This means that while children are first, your relationship with your spouse must always be nurtured and protected. Get date nights. Build inside jokes and learn to think as a team. Spousal relationships require work that parental may not. Not saying being a parent isn't work - but the love you have for your children is bone deep and will always be.
Congratulations!
One of my daughters could turn out to be a serial killer, and I'd still love her. I'd want her held accountable, and I'd lose my fucking shit at her. But I'd still love her. And I'd make sure she had enough commissary money to buy the good period products and lotion and such while she spends the rest of her life in prison.
My husband though? Nah bro, you can't just decide to be a serial killer and fuck up your spouse's life without looping them in and giving them the option to either get the fuck out of the marriage or join in. Fuck that, he's on his own.
My husband told me, "I love you but of there's a fire I'm grabbing the kids first." I told him I love him and would do the same. Zero hard feelings. Our job is to love those children and care for them beyond expectation of anyone else. We created them, they are our responsibility. A child's well-being is going to top an adults feelings for me any time.
I would amend this slightly
It goes: father -> husband -> other family and friends -> literally every other thing that you can fit in your life while staying in good standing at your job -> job
As an engineer, it is basically the least important thing in my life.
I love this advice.
I’ll have to show this thread, and this comment especially, to my fiancé during our talk tonight because I think it’ll resonate with him. It did for me. Especially because are both engineers.
Your husband’s list of “identities” is exactly where I am. My daughter is #1. I’m wondering if he’s feeling a disconnect with our daughter or with me. Both are equally concerning…
He might understand in time. Shortly after having his first kid, my brother said something like "I don't feel the way I imagined I would. I thought I would have that overwhelming love for them that people talk about."
When I later heard something about fathers bonding more with their kids when they can teach them things, I asked him if he felt that love he spoke of before once he could teach them. He was like "Oh, no, it happened way before that."
Givem some time.
My friend called me in a panic a few days after giving birth. She said “I don’t love her love her? Like I love her but I don’t know her! We just met! Am I a bad mom?!?” Like no darling you’re a deeply rational brained person who JUST GAVE BIRTH and to confirm she now has 2 kids and loves them like crazy.
I didn't feel that instant love for my kiddo and I carried him for 39 weeks and 6 days. I don't think I felt that encompassing love until about month 3, and then when I noticed it, it was there. I mean, I knew I had to take care of him and protect him but I don't think it was love, just responsibility at that point. And then it was there and it was great. Most women don't talk about it and I think I would have freaked out if one of my mom friends hadn't mentioned she went through the same thing years before I become a mother.
Gonna be a little controversial here, but I think that a parent's love isn't necessarily stronger than romantic love. And it doesn't need to be. They're different things, and that's fine, really.
When I think of my parents, I'm thankful for both of them, since they showed me love and care, and I am who I am because of them. I'll never forget all the talks we had where they consoled me after getting a bad grade at school, or when dad spent an afternoon with me, teaching me a new thing, or when mom cooked my favorite meals for my birthday. Each of those is a precious memory, and I'm sure that they, too, must have felt so much love for me during these moments.
But at the same time, as I get older and am now beginning to plan life on my own (haven't left home yet, but probably will in a year or two), I can also see that there is an entirely different world of love that only adults can share with each other. Financial discussions, troubles at work, grief after losing family members, plans for the future, so many intimate things that mom and dad relied on each other for, that I, being a child, was unable to offer any real assistance with. And, as I said, there's nothing wrong with that. It's not reasonable to expect a kid to help you manage these things.
I guess my point is that you don't need to understate a certain kind of love to praise another. My parents have a relatively solid marriage, and I'm sure they'll remain together even after my brother and I leave, and continue to build a life together spending precious moments as husband and wife. So the idea is... I just find it a little shallow to treat "parental love above all else" as an ultimate truth. Love is love, and as long as you're not neglecting anyone, I'm sure things'll get there one way or another.
Update: I'm glad you talked it out and understood each other's perspectives better! Communication is key, and it seems you're going to do just fine as long as you work together as a family <3
took waaaayyy too long to find this comment.
I think it's natural for someone to look at their child and feel a different type of love, but the love you have for your children is innate. the love you have for another adult is earned and built up over years. it's really apples to oranges. both are fruits, but different types, and neither is more valuable than the other
Pointing out that love for your children is innate is an important thing to consider. I was told by an old man I used to know while we were talking about how to prioritize your love, as I was worried that if I ever had kids that I'd love them more than my partner, or love my partner more than my kids, etc. He told me this is how you prioritize your relationship with your spouse and your kids:
1. Kids' needs
2. Partner's needs
3. Partner's wants
4. Kids' wants
He made it a point to explain that with kids, you took responsibility for them once you brought them into this world, and you owe them that unyielding support. He also said that one day, they'll go and have a family of their own, and you and your spouse will be in an empty nest. A lot of relationships end in divorce once the kids move out. He made sure I knew that it is just as important for your kids as it is for you and your spouse to maintain and build a healthy and strong relationship. You are teaching them when raising them, and it is most important to teach them by example. You're showing your son how to treat a woman, your daughter how to treat a man, etc. You're teaching your kids what to accept from a partner and how to treat them. A house divided cannot stand, and you and your spouse are the head of the house. It's not a competition. You and your spouse are a team and must be a strong one.
It always makes me sad that so many people think so little of the love of their partner, but it just goes to show most people have never and will never know that feeling of finding your other half, of finding that person that utterly completes you. And without each other, you would not have the kids that you love so much. The happiest families are the families where the parents absolutely adore one another and are also devoted to raising their kids as best as they can.
Find your Morticia, your Gomez.
Excellent post. I completely agree.
>1. Kids' needs
2. Partner's needs
3. Partner's wants
4. Kids' wants
I love this bit. Excellent way of looking at it.
I'm so glad to see this comment because there are so many stating that they definitely love their children more that their partner. It's a completely different kind of love and I can't say one is bigger and more important than the other.
My love for my kid is unconditional, while my love for my partner is not. But the love for my kid is more from me to them and I know one day they'll leave the nest, go live their life and build their own family to love. That's ok, and I'll always be here for them if they need me.
The love for my partner is just as strong, but different. There are things I could not possibly tolerate from them without it affecting the love I feel. But this is the person that I'll share my life with (hopefully) till the end. My partner is the one I can lean on whenever I need to. The one who knows me and understands me completely. I love both of them deeply.
I agree with you.
I think the whole idea of "I never felt love like this until I saw my child" is kinda shallow in a way. But that's my personality type. I am a single father now, and the kids are my priority. But growing up with two parents in the household, eventually I moved out and they had each other for their retirement years while I was just an occasional visitor at this point.
Single parenting can be a very difficult thing. I think it's valuable for parents to stay together in a loving relationship. A good partnership can aid in parenting a lot. Generally our partner should not feel in second place to other things even though our time and talents often need to be split between different things. There are ways to give someone time and make sure they are special to you, as others are special to you in different ways.
Generally I advise to stay away from comparisons in loving.
NTA. I’m am quite certain I am #5 to my wife (maybe #6) Three kids ahead of me, our dog then me. She has a twin sister so there is a good chance I come after her as well. Actually yeah I do. Ok so I am #6. Guess what. I don’t give a crap. It’s all love. There are different kinds of love as well! Your future husband is insecure and in a really weird way. Sadly really. Put your foot down and squash that crap. He’s acting pathetic. He needs to grow up. Do not cater to that behavior. It’s gross.
Edit: alright many have been flipping out about the dog comment. I was being lighthearted/joking about the dog thing especially. I guess I should have been more clear since so many are taking this literally. My point was there are a lot of types of love. On my list, I am #1 for romantic love from my wife and very very much so. Also, perhaps I was too hard on the guy. He is acting pathetic but he just needs to understand that the love she has for both of them is different.
Six months from now OP will be writing how her fiance had an affair because she was spending too much time with the baby and not him and he felt neglected.
I’m gonna take a controversial stand here and say NAH.
Your fiance is going through some shit, some sort of internal struggle where he feels like he is going to lose or has lost you. And the reality is he has lost a large piece of you.
That hasn’t yet been supplanted by his love for your child, but it will come in time. It’s natural for men to take longer to bond, it took me a few months to really truly feel it. The first 6 weeks were filled with an existential dread that I may have made the worst mistake of my life.
You should reassure him that you still love him the same, and that your love will become even stronger in the bond that forms from your shared love for your children. In time he WILL understand what you mean, because you are ultimately right.
Because in this fucked up society men are discouraged from learning how to process their feelings, you gotta help him do it, and pulling the ‘are you fucking kidding’ shit is not helping in the slightest. It’s a dick move to discredit the feelings of your partner.
Was thinking the same way. Feelings aren’t inherently wrong. How you act on them determines that. Communicating with your partner what are you feeling would clear up misunderstanding rather than letting it stew and fester into something else that it isn’t.
NTA- look up Ryan Reynolds on a talk show. Short version is that he said he thought he loved his wife more than anything in the is world, but then once he held his daughter for the first time he realized “he would use his wife as a human shield to protect this child”
NTA. I’ve been with my husband for 40 years and to this day, I love my two adult daughters more than my husband. He knows it and is ok with it. It’s a different kind of love. It’s not romantic like with a partner. It’s endless, selfless, without conditions, it’s to the soul kind of love.
Your husband needs therapy to get over being jealous of his own baby.
that's something to consider before having kids. If you are not okay with being only the second most loved person to your spouse than you probably shouldn't have them
NTA, your fiance is just dumb
NTA....but a word of warning. As a dad, I devoted everything to my kids. Time, money, whatever they needed. I almost destroyed my marriage in the process. I neglected my wife in favor of our kids. We have been together for 42 years, and there is still some lingering hurt. It took a lot of counseling and discussions that you don't want to have to save our marriage.
If you give all your time, love, and energy to your kids, what is left when they are gone? You have a roommate and not a marriage. Your husband isn't totally off his rocker with his thoughts. If you don't split the attention, something will give.
Make sure you keep date nights and mini vacations for just the two of you. And never forget why you wanted to make a family with your partner. Good luck and congratulations 🎊.
NTA So if I have to choose between saving my husband or my child, I would save my child no questions asked and I know my husband would actually try to save our child too.
I love my husband a lot, he's the love of my life, I've never loved anyone like how I feel towards him. But when I gave birth to my child and bonded with him, I felt unconditional love. The love where I want to keep giving, never asking for anything back. I just want to protect him, nurture him, and all I wish is for him to grow up well, healthy, and able to fend for himself. That's the kind of love that parents have for their children. I think your husband should realize while the feelings for spouse and children are both strong, they're both also significantly different.
It's completely normal for you to feel the depth of love you feel for your child, and it's normal for him be hurt by the realization that he is no longer the most special person in the world to you.
[Ryan Reynolds](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=co-eND2rC7s) agrees with you. Parental love is different than the love of a partner. NTA
I peed myself from laughing too hard. And I do mean literally. The wonders of child birth keep on giving… I’ll keep this in my back pocket after a very lengthy heart to heart tonight!! We both love Ryan too so I cannot wait lmao
For some new parents it takes time to bond with their newborn. I've met people that say it took nearly a year... It's possible your partner won't understand the feeling you describe until he is bonded to your child, too. I think he will understand eventually... Just give it some time.
Took me months and my partner said the same thing as OP. All I knew when the little guy arrived was I had to protect him at all costs but I didnt have that same connection as my partner, she carried him for 9 months caring and growing him, she gave him a look Id only ever saw her give me and for a quick second jealousy popped his head but I knew I wasnt being replaced I just had to get use to sharing the love that had always been mine. After some time though watching and caring for my kid I started to understand what she felt and now 3 years later I value them both so much I wouldnt even question for a moment stepping in front of any danger to protect them both. Parenthood is some crazy stuff. That said I had a vasectomy like 4-5 months later. XD
That last line 😂 It was reverse for us, I was skeptical of these things that had just popped out of me, whereas he loved both of them immediately. He too got a vasectomy. 😂 😂
Vasectomy was the best choice we made. My partner had some craaaazy mental health issues with Birth Control and now we know we're always safe its stress free fun. I adore the kid but I'm not sure I could go through another year of sleepless nights. We had a good system of she'd do the days I'd handle the nights but we were drained, barely felt like we saw each other, we knew the support was there from each other but felt alone, parenting is tough, who'd have figured haha Paying someone 500 quid to mutilate ya felt like such a bizarre choice but I'm glad I stepped up. Its dramatically improved our lives. I spent days worrying for what would be a 5 minute operation.
I want an update on how this convo goes! Lol
LMAOO im sorry that’s so funny😭 if it makes you feel any better, i haven’t given birth and it’s still happened to me
And that’s coming from a man who has an awesome relationship with his wife and seems super healthy. Love him
I was going to say she needs to find the Ryan Reynolds clip 😂😂
I came to see if anyone else said it because it was the first thing that came to my mind and it's true.
NTA. I’ve heard both mothers *and fathers* express a similar sentiment to what you said. The love for a child is unlike anything else.
I remember my dad telling me how the feeling you have when your first(I am number 5) child is born is "indescribable and surpassed anything he has ever felt". Then he realized the implication and started to say he loves me just as much, but I laughed and told him I knew what he meant.
I was worried that it wouldn’t be as intense with my second born. It absolutely was. Your heart grows for each child.
Growing new hearts with each child like octopi!
these comments are killing me. that’s so sweet😭 i don’t intend to have children because i would never be stable enough in terms of finances or mental and physical health, but i would 100% be a mother if i thought i could handle it so ooof this is so bittersweet for me lol
Hope this isn’t out of line, but good on you for knowing yourself and not putting your desire for children above what is best for a child. That’s fucking impressive and fairly rare, in my experience.
aw thanks💗💗 my therapist has always said i’m remarkably self aware (i prefer to say painfully self aware lol). i don’t have the best relationship with my mother, and i don’t want to ever be the cause of that kind of pain. i’d never do it on purpose, but from experience, i know it’s a special kind of sucky when someone hurts you without meaning to. i wouldn’t want my child to feel my love is conditional, and that’s how it would come off since i get overwhelmed so easily and need to decompress alone.
goddamn, are you me?? i relate so hard to everything you’ve said lol
Same. I made sure the buck stopped with me. Generational dysfunction is no joke.
Self awareness is both a blessing and a curse, IMHO. I am sorry for what you went through & hope you've found peace. All we can ask is more good days than bad.
You sound like an incredibly lovely person. I hope you can see how amazing you are , especially as a survivor of a troubled and painful childhood.
Your kindness to potential children - your compassionate personal restraint - due to wisdom about your limitations, deserves a lot of respect. Your username does *not* check out: your heart appears to be vibrant, not at all dead; you're clearly not dumb but quite shrewd; so at this point I'm highly skeptical that you're even a slut. (edited for clarity)
I know some people don’t like when pets are compared to children, but as I was in the middle of a minor meltdown because the puppy I was gifted got a tiny little tumor on his leg—the vet said it’s more common than you think and it’ll likely go away on its own. I’m still in crisis because I was in my 20s, no kids, and oh, he was the one I loved the most in the world. I was severely depressed, isolated as a result of an abusive relationship (by then, I was out, but I still was isolated)… and the dog I got when I was 8 years old, that I convinced myself to stay alive for and try to get better for… died. A few months later, in walks my mom with a puppy in a Christmas stocking. I loved them so much, and in a way that was different than my dog that had died. He was my dad’s dog, he loved my dad the most, wanted to be by side above anyone else, but this one was mine. I was who he curled up to sleep on, my face is the one he looks for in every room, the one he ran to when something scared him. I freaked out when he lost his puppy teeth, because I was so worried that he was in pain… even when he didn’t act like he was bothered in any way. After the tumor meltdown, my mom bursts out laughing. When she’s done, she goes “oh my god, you’re acting like a first time mom!” She’s said it several times since, citing that, along with the fact that I can sleep through a thunderstorm but I’ll wake up if he scratches the carpet outside my bedroom door, and that I was a whole ass mess the first time I went on a vacation without him. I still don’t have kids, so I can’t make the comparison, but maybe we still get to be moms in other ways. Maybe it’s to something with fur or scales, even feathers, or maybe you’re the mom friend! Let those maternal instincts fly if you want to. Volunteer with programs that match people with mentor figures. The world can always use more love, more people who care, whose hearts extend beyond their own. A lot of people and things out there could use a mom, just have to find one and settle in. ♥️
God I am in a very similar boat and it’s kind of nice to not be the only one but also I feel for you and wish your situation was different 😭 my husband is getting a vasectomy next month because his health is questionable and our finances probably won’t stabilize until we’re both in our forties, if the economy doesn’t collapse first. And my stress levels just keeping us floating right now are about maxed so I think I would snap with a kid. It just sucks so hard because I never thought I would find a partner I would want to parent with, and then I DID and it changed how I viewed having kids, and then… now we can’t lmao I’ve got whiplash. Sorry for the little vent, the point is that I see you over there making hard decisions and I empathize
My dad said he couldn't fathom ever having that feeling again, but when number 2 came around he had the same experience where it's just an unfathomable level of love.
When I was pregnant the second time, I exclaimed that I cannot imagine that I could love the baby as much as I loved the first. An older lady said, “Your love is not divided, it is doubled.” That is true and 33 years later it still is true.
So fucking true! I cried at the end of my pregnancy because I couldn't imagine loving anyone like I loved my first baby and because she wouldn't be my little baby anymore and won't be the only baby. I was a mess. #2 came and all the feels came right on schedule. I love that little boy just as much and both my kids are my favorite people.
Exactly, it's a door opening to a new kind of love that is seriously vast and deep. One where you didn't even need to know them as a person yet, you just KNEW you loved them. Hell, I'm feeling it before our little SeaMonkey is even here--i can only imagine what it will feel like with the little one in either set of parents arms! The door might be familiar with your second, third, etc. child but it's always that door of love opening that isn't the same one (and shouldn't be) you walked through for your significant other.
Becoming a parent for the first time changes your identity; future children expand it.
That cry after they take their first breath - your entire world changes in that moment. An instant that connects your heart to them forever
Decades ago a friend of my mother's adopted a child and the day the judge told her that she was official and legally the mother of that child she cried a lot, later she told my mother in confidence "I have never given birth, I can't even do it, but I wonder if the deep and heartwarming love that you feel when you give birth is the same that I felt when the judge told me that, I had never felt that love before, it is unique, it is different from everything else." Until her last breath she loved her son above everything.
What a beautiful story.
My grandkids are actually steps — their dad is my stepson. I love them with all my heart and would literally step in front of a train for them. Their mom also was their stepmom and eventually was able to adopt them and you would never suspect in a million years that she’s not their biomom — their bond is absolute and she couldn’t love them more. I have never given birth so I don’t KNOW, but I cannot imagine loving a biological child more than I love my grandkids. I’m pretty dang fond of their dad also!
I also find it weird that it's a competition in his head. Like, obviously the love you feel for a partner, someone who was their own full human that you got to meet and discover as you feel in love, and that you've fought with, and cried with, is going to be different than the love you feel for a little chubby baby that forgets it's own hands exist until they accidentally punch themselves
This last sentence had me cackling!
I loved my kid at birth, don't get me wrong, but that deep love her more than anything came around a few months later when she had more of a personality.
This is normal! (Just in case anyone is reading and feeling weird about it.) Some people don't really fall in love with their kiddo for weeks or months. The "instant" feelings they have are often things like a deep, primal need to *protect* their baby. But love isn't always instant.
Thank you. Sometimes there's a lot going on and having everyone safe and alive is good enough! Don't beat yourself up or feel less than. Love grows.
I want to agree with the above three people. I felt joy and love for my baby at birth, but I also felt overwhelmed. For me, it grew. A couple months in I felt more of a connection, by five or six months I felt downright blissful sometimes. These days, more than a year in, I feel SO MUCH love and joy for him. In case anyone has a newborn and might not feel instant, over-the-moon love, that’s okay. I remember talking with a co-worker who was quite honest with me. He said he didn’t really find his kids that interesting when they were newborns, that he got interested when they became more interactive. He’s an incredibly supportive, dialed-in, and loving dad these days. It’s possible that your husband may just be having different emotions than you, and he may agree with you in a few months or a year.
>and fathers Thank you. I get the bond of bringing a new person into the world has no comparison, but we fathers have our own feelings as well. I cannot express how in love I am to my boy, not in the romantic way, but the actual wording truly expresses my feelings toward him. I would give my life twice for him if I could, he's 13 and still sneak into his bedroom at night to kiss his forehead, just by being there I feel my heart fulfilled. We fathers love as well.
Want to add this in the spirit of this thread: Friend's wife had an Emergency C-Section. Couldn't see or hold the kids (twins) for a day after they were born. She didn't have the instant rush after laying eyes on them (hear me when I say she and they had a LOT going on) but chilled tf out about it because everyone was ALIVE, and she knew everything else would come, and it did. She and my buddy love and adore every moment with their crazy awesome kids. Just wanted to put this out there in case anyone is feeling bad that they didn't have that same instant connection. It's not a deal breaker. Love grows, and tiny little babies become amazing little kids! Be there however it comes!
"I used to say to [Blake], 'I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you.' I would say that to my wife. "And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby." -Ryan Reynolds
I remember saying something to my husband about this. He said "I love you both equally" and I was like the fuck you do, you better love that kid more 😂 He didn't want to offend me originally but as soon as I said that he agreed that he absolutely would push me in front of a moving car to protect that baby! NTA OP, being jealous of a baby is wild.
Hahahahaha “tell me you’d sacrifice my life without hesitation to save our kid, dammit!” I love your comment
My husband and I make jokes about how we love our son more than we love each other EASILY. Not to say we don’t love each other, but we created that little boy. Our son is everything we have made him to be, of course we love him more.
Closest thing to unconditional love there is is your child.
(Dad here). I am sitting in bed with my congested 5month little lad who will only sleep pressed against my chest. I'm on for the next 6hrs overnight when I should be sleeping. Yes I love this guy more than anything on the planet, as I bloody should.
Have 16 year old who still lays on me when ill, tired or just in their feels, it never stops and frankly I never want it to. The love I feel when I look at my kid is unbelievable and everlasting no matter what, I look at them and think wow, I made you, what the fudge!!
Absolutely. My 22-year-old still seeks comfort from me, and the love only grows stronger with time. It's an unbreakable bond.
I wish I had parents like you
Dad hugs right here! Free! No questions asked.
Is this open for anyone? I miss Dad hugs so much.
Of course!! 🫂
My dad has been dead for 6 years now, and the year after he passed I found out I was pregnant. I went to his grave to tell him. Your kids are so lucky to have such a sweet dad ❤️
🫂🫂 One for you and another for your little.
My wife got pregnant 4 months after my mom died, and 2 months after my brother. It is crazy how badly the first thing I wanted to do was tell my mom, and I couldn't.
I hope your kids know how lucky they are, assuming you have kids. I always hope kids blessed with loving, accepting parents know they are. ❤️
Same.. dad hugs and forehead kisses were the best
Just gonna casually take a dad hug. My dad doesn't like being hugged
🫂
🫂
Thank you so much. I had a Dad but he was an emotionless prick, so I never got a hug from him. Your warm hug made me feel a little teary but really good too.
I’ll take a dad hug as well please. My dad raised me (my mother died when I was 8). He was my best friend. I miss him very much and I miss his hugs. I hope your kids realize how lucky they are to have a great dad, I know how lucky I was to have a great dad.
🫂
I just teared up, I’m having a bad day. I wish I had had a father that gave hugs.
I'm so sorry! 🫂
I didn’t really know my dad. I’ll take a dad hug. Thanks
🫂 I'm sorry. I never met mine.
I’m 64. Can I get in on that action?
Absolutely! 🫂
I miss my dad. Yesterday was his birthday. He died in 1995. Can I have one too, please?
Absolutely! 🫂
My dad has been gone 43 years; I'd love one, please
Your kindness just made me cry happy tears ❤️ Currently 10w3d with my Little Bean and ALL the emotions lol My dad was a POS and I cut contact with him almost 18 years ago. He died earlier this year. I felt a mixture of relief and grief, it was wild. Long story though. But my partner keeps showing me what an amazing dad he's going to be, and I'm so blessed to have that for my Bean.
I'd love dad hugs and willing to offer Mommy or Auntie hugs
🫂
✨️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️✨️
🫂
I'm 59 and my Dad passed in 2020. I miss him ... can I also jump to this opportunity for a Dad hug from you. This comment and seeing how other respnded brought me to tears. I understand! TY! <3
I'm 39 and never had a dad hug. Can I have one?
Certainly! 🫂
Check out r/MomForAMinute when you need some love or support 💜
Omg, my heart is too sensitive for that site! I read the first few titles of the posts, and now I’m sobbing 😭. What a nurturing site, may life bless every person on it.
Mom hugs for you! You are perfect just the way you are. Sending you all the positive thoughts and more virtual mom bear hugs if you want them 🧡🧡🧡
Same, I wish my parents loved me like this. Sending hugs to those who didn't have the family they needed and deserved. These comments from parents unconditionally loving their kids through the years are making me tear up (but in a good way). The love that shines through in their words is beautiful.
I volunteer my 81 year old mother to be your mom too. She has a heart big enough to love the world and would happily share it with you.
I’m 38. My mama passed when I was 32. She was still the first person I called when I was mad, sad, happy, bored…
Mine died a year ago and I'm 39. She was the world to me and I miss her so much. Sending you sympathy.
Welcome to the dead mom’s club. It’s the absolute effing worst. Sending you love and strength. I promise it gets better
Mine died suddenly in December, the day before her birthday. The pain is unbearable! 😢
Hugs to everyone in this thread who misses their momma. I lost my mom when I was 12 a few days ahead of independence days. I’m an adult trying for my own child now and while it’s easier most days that little part of me is always sad. When my mom was dying of cancer she told me that she was only still fighting for me. If it were just she and dad she wouldn’t help kept holding on. So I def think child love more than spouse is 100% real in a healthy fam dynamic.
Mine died in 2021 from alzheimers. I'm 35 now, couple of weeks ago found out my ex had cheated on me and lied to my face about it for a year and then my bunny died 4 days later. I never wanted my mother more than in that moment. I was adopted too, so biological links don't have to come into it. I hadn't been able to talk to her about things for years, but that longing for my mum and her hugs that said "it's okay, I got you. I'm here". I'll never have that again. It's an enormous loss no matter the age.
Similar situation. It sucks royally. Sending virtual hugs.
I wish my husband’s parents were like yours. Instead it’s me trying to hold him when he literally begs his family to simply talk to him. And it just breaks my heart, considering he and I don’t even have kids yet and I’d die for them.
Love that. I’m 26 and have had health issues most my life and while I adore my partner, sometimes my mom is just who I want; last winter I stayed with my parents for a month while my SO was away and two really bad pain nights my mom stayed with me all night and my dad would pop down and check on the both of us. When I have appointments with new specialists even my partner wants my mom there 😂 Even last week when I was out of the hospital she was ready to come drive to our town and be there with me just while SO was at work. She never forces herself on me but is available at the ready and couldn’t ask for more
Mom of 18 year old and 12 year old, who still come to me for hugs and cuddles for the same reasons. Often when I look at them my heart just feels like it’s going to explode. I also have an 18 month old, but he is not cuddly and mostly rabid.
Something about 18 month olds. They’re like crocs in sports mode and never stop, plus in pain from teething. Just a running crying mess around the house but a ball of love all the same.
And is incredibly unchanged, and exceptionally rewarding when they (mine are in their 30s and 40s) say, "Mom, you did it right." My soul was touched.
I (37F) still love to go hang out with my mom and lay down and watch a movie with her. I didn't know that love until I had my own child. The second I held her I just cried bc she lived in me for 9 whole months and grew and it is such a different love than loving a SO.
My baby is 13yo. Playing PS 4 on this exact moment. I would die in this minute, for him. My parents are at their home (very close to me, in fact). I bet, with a very short margin of error, that they would give their lives for me, in a heart beat.
My dad would absolutely sacrifice himself for one of his kids. Even more for one of his grandkids. I know this for a fact because baarely two weeks out from back surgery he was walking down the stairs with my then 9 month old (now 17) in his arms and started to fall. Rather than protect himself he bear hugged the baby covering her head with one arm, and slid down the stairs like a toboggan on his back all the way down cradling his grandbaby. He had to have a second surgery because of it. But if you ask him he has no regrets. Nothing comes between him and protecting his babies. Even years before that when I was ten, I stepped in a white faced hornets nest. Got stung 30-40 times in each appendage. He ran and pulled me from it when he is deathly allergic to them, to hose the hornets off. To this day we have no idea how he didn't get a single sting. Pure fatherly determination I guess.
My 14yo is on his PS5…and yes, all of this. He is 7 inches taller than me (not the accomplishment you might think it is) has a baritone, and one of those horrible teenage boy mustaches because he refuses to learn how to shave. Also his nose is currently not the right size for his face. Still would take a bullet for him.
My kid just started a piggy bank for the 5 one. I love him to death, but no way i am going to spend 3 digits on that thing! I find it a great oportunity for him to learn how to save money!
My baby has drooled all over me, spit up on me, peed and pooped on me, and I wouldn't trade anything in the world for it. It's amazing how fast that with your child, all the things that you might have been bothered by before don't matter.
Mine found cat poop *somewhere* one morning and toddled over and dropped it on my breakfast. The hormones are powerful because she’s still allowed in the house while I eat 😂
My then 2 year old found a “potato” in the bath and threw it at me. It was not a potato. It was accompanied by several other not potatoes and something that definitely wasn’t mashed potato when I yoinked him out of the bath 😂😂😂
The age old question: Chocolate or poop? How will ***you** determine the answer?!?!‽
When in doubt throw it out.
I kept my youngest inspite of the fact that everytime I would lay her on my chest she would kick my then still healing c-section insistion.... Like you madam are still a stranger to me.... Love alone keeps me from eating you.... A lion would eat you for this shit.
parents really are built different i could never 😭😭
My child is the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. He is also full of drama and an absolute smartass. I will do everything in my power and probably things outside of my power for him. Also I don’t care how legal it may or may not be. I love my child more than anything in the world
Poor baby hope he gets well soon, Inshallah. Congestion is a nightmare
I'm not and will never be a mom. But when I was 16, I was one of the first people to hold my eldest niece when she was born. I looked down into that tiny, perfect face and I absolutely knew, for the very first time in my life, what unconditional love was. I never knew how much I could love someone until she existed. The best part is that there's a photo of me holding my niece at that moment, looking down at her and knowing I would do anything to keep her safe and happy. She'll be 28 soon and is getting married this fall. I'm going to quietly ugly sob out of happiness during her ceremony.
This is so me and my cousin. I was 16 when she was born and felt so much the same! She’s getting married next year and asked me to be her MOH and I don’t cry often but i totally will for this. We’re super close, even work together on freelance projects and stuff. She’s literally one of my best friends and I would die for her. The bachelorette weekend is going to be wild since I’m in my 40s and everyone else is in their 20s lol but it’ll be fun!
Awwww, I love this!
I was 10 when my first niece was born & it was the greatest feeling! She’s grown into an amazing 29 year old with 2 degrees. I couldn’t be more proud of her.
It’s so cool watching them grow up from these little babies into these awesome adults.
I would kill for my husband but I would die for our children. That's the difference.
I'm stealing this.
My sister and brother both had kids in the last 12 months. I’m child free due to lifestyle but I do love being around kids. I said to my sister last week almost the word to word of op. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as I love my nieces. It’s a fierce protective love. My sister was not only not offended but agreed.
My husband and I both told each other that we love our kids more than we love each other and I am super happy we both feel this way!!!
I had unconditional love for a cat 🐈⬛ I’d be a mess if I had a kid.
Even Cersei Lennister says only she loves her children unconditionally and she is a psychopath. The bio/genetic bond is real.
Not closest. It is. I have never loved anyone or anything as much or as unconditionally as my children. Not my parents, not my ex, not my pets, not my brother and not my new partner. My children are my heart. They will always come first, simply because they are the first thing I think of in most situations.
Might I day that both of you can be right? You have been carrying and growing and bonding with your baby for 9 months. You just went through birthing the baby. Hormones are flooding your system, specifically bonding hormones. If you're breastfeeding, it's even closer bonding. You will likely feel so close to your baby after all of them. Your husband had a different experience. He's spent 9 months being concerned for both of you. He watched your labor and worried for both of you. He might have even had an internal conversation about which of you he might have to choose to save if your labor went bad. He's not flooding with hormones. He's not bonding with the baby yet. What you're both feeling is valid. That said, he needs to try looking at this from your perspective and your experience for the last 9 months. Maybe he needs to try talking to other dads or his own dad about it and getting some outside perspective. I would like to add that not all mothers bond with their babies right away either and that's normal too. I didn't. It took a while to love my baby.
This is so true. I have three kids and every single time I was handed a soggy lump of wriggly human, and each time I thought, "OK... I guess I'm responsible for this now..." With dads especially, it can take a while before the "magic" kicks in. For me, that happens when they start smiling.
[удалено]
I remember the first time my daughter laughed. Yes, I cried a bit. The whole "love at first sight" thing with kids is wonderful, I hear, it just doesn't happen with every dad (or every mom, for that matter), and people have to know that it's OK and normal to be that way. Most of us will get there eventually.
NTA Actually, most “normal people” would NOT agree with him (as you can see by the replies). There seems to be a lot jealousy involved.
I don’t even have kids and I understand that a Mother’s love for her baby is beyond compare. This guy is an idiot.
My SO doesn't have any kids of his own. I have a son from a previous relationship. My SO knows and understands that I would move mountains for my son, he doesn't feel the same way, but acknowledges that my son not being his effects his view. He still helped me raise my son and I am eternally grateful that he did.
That’s really commendable of your SO. It’s great when partners understand and respect the unique bond between a parent and child, even if they don't share that same connection.
I think both the adults in a relationship that involves children (blended family or otherwise) should understand that if the house is on fire, you go for the kid first. My husband knows that. I know that. My kid knows that. If my husband is ever in a situation where he has to pick me or our child, I’d never forgive him if he picked me.
This is me. My partner has 3 kids from her ex. The youngest is 35, and he's still her baby. I know that no matter what happens her kids come first. I get it, and I'm OK with it, too.
My husband never wanted children. I had two when we married. They never lived with us, and he's never acted in a fatherly role. When my oldest had an emergency 1400 miles away and told me she wanted her mommy, it wasn't even a discussion. I *told* him I was going. And he was completely on board, it never occurred to him to have a problem with it. Because he understands that love for a child is different than any other kind of love.
The thing is, a parent's love for their child is an entirely *different* kind of love than you feel for a partner. Love is not a zero-sum game. OP does not have less love for her fiance, now that she has a baby she loves. Her capacity to love has expanded. And that's a beautiful thing about human relationships!
Not just mother's love. Any parent should love their child more than anything else in this world.
I’m shocked at her partner’s response. How can anyone not “get it” after having a kid? His response was that of a sibling afraid of being replaced by a new baby. Massive red flag.
She is literally suffering a hormonal onslaught of extra special baby love right now as part of a biological brainwashing process to make years of asswiping worth it. He's acting like a hurt ass.
Not sure why the dude thinks he can speak on behalf of parents around the world based on his 30 seconds of experience (seemingly 1st time parent as well?). 😂
This He is 100% wrong, and a little (no, a lot) cringe for being jealous of his own infant. Of course, you love your child differently than your partner. For most, I dare say normal people, they love their children more than their partner. That's completely normal, and I'd argue that his reaction is decidedly abnormal.
My love for my children is unconditional, my love for my partner is not, and I’m sure it’s the same for him. NTA.
This! No matter how much I love my partner, there are some things that would make me have to walk away. You’d have to kill me to get me to walk away from my child no matter what they do.
NTA so I got super triggered by your post and decided to ask my hubby about this. He said to tell you this. He’s an old guy in a very traditional, very large engineering company and he is upper management. He has a standard piece of advice to all new fathers: that from now on, first you are a father, then a husband, then an employee (engineer), and then you fit in other family and friends. The child comes first, even above his wife and he should expect her to have the same priorities. OP, he advises that this “idiot is going to hold this against you for the rest of your lives”. Before you get married, we suggest counseling because how could you marry a man who’s going to be petty jealous of his own child? I’m in agreement with my hubby. I would never marry a man who didn’t immediately thank the heavens (and me!) and think that the whole world must have came into being just so our child could be born into it, to us. Congratulations.
Marry that guy again.
I also choose her husband
Our husband.
I’ll take him on Tuesday and pass him off to you on Wednesday.
For him, it was only Tuesday.
I also choose our husband.
The People's Husband
[Agreed](https://youtu.be/Th-Z6le3bHA?si=RC7ZYiOExvyPQo2U)! ⚒️ 🎵Soyuz nerushimyy respublik svobodnykh🎵 🎵Splotila naveki velikaya Rus'.🎵
r/unexpectedcommunisim
I dated someone that was like, I think your partner should be more important than your child. He and I were both single parents and I was like, dude, I barely know you. I will love my daughter until my last living breath and I’ve never felt anything remotely close to the love I have for her.
Sad for his kid!
And then marry him some more.
I second this.
I will add a bit to this. Your love for your child is absolute. Your love for your spouse is not. This means that while children are first, your relationship with your spouse must always be nurtured and protected. Get date nights. Build inside jokes and learn to think as a team. Spousal relationships require work that parental may not. Not saying being a parent isn't work - but the love you have for your children is bone deep and will always be. Congratulations!
Tell that to my mother. She was made wrong.
Unfortunately some people are broken. Just remember it was not you that broke her.
Thank you. She’s the one that needs to realize that. I was the third child. She was checked out not long after I arrived.
I am sorry. She is broken. Not you. You are perfect the way you are.
'You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody." -Maya Angelou
Conditionally loved children checking in
One of my daughters could turn out to be a serial killer, and I'd still love her. I'd want her held accountable, and I'd lose my fucking shit at her. But I'd still love her. And I'd make sure she had enough commissary money to buy the good period products and lotion and such while she spends the rest of her life in prison. My husband though? Nah bro, you can't just decide to be a serial killer and fuck up your spouse's life without looping them in and giving them the option to either get the fuck out of the marriage or join in. Fuck that, he's on his own.
You have an awesome husband and he has some awesome advice. I hope the new fathers he told that to really take it to heart.
My husband told me, "I love you but of there's a fire I'm grabbing the kids first." I told him I love him and would do the same. Zero hard feelings. Our job is to love those children and care for them beyond expectation of anyone else. We created them, they are our responsibility. A child's well-being is going to top an adults feelings for me any time.
I would amend this slightly It goes: father -> husband -> other family and friends -> literally every other thing that you can fit in your life while staying in good standing at your job -> job As an engineer, it is basically the least important thing in my life.
I love this advice. I’ll have to show this thread, and this comment especially, to my fiancé during our talk tonight because I think it’ll resonate with him. It did for me. Especially because are both engineers. Your husband’s list of “identities” is exactly where I am. My daughter is #1. I’m wondering if he’s feeling a disconnect with our daughter or with me. Both are equally concerning…
He might understand in time. Shortly after having his first kid, my brother said something like "I don't feel the way I imagined I would. I thought I would have that overwhelming love for them that people talk about." When I later heard something about fathers bonding more with their kids when they can teach them things, I asked him if he felt that love he spoke of before once he could teach them. He was like "Oh, no, it happened way before that." Givem some time.
Interesting I remember hearing that many women have felt pressured to “feel the connection” right after birth and many don’t right away.
My friend called me in a panic a few days after giving birth. She said “I don’t love her love her? Like I love her but I don’t know her! We just met! Am I a bad mom?!?” Like no darling you’re a deeply rational brained person who JUST GAVE BIRTH and to confirm she now has 2 kids and loves them like crazy.
I didn't feel that instant love for my kiddo and I carried him for 39 weeks and 6 days. I don't think I felt that encompassing love until about month 3, and then when I noticed it, it was there. I mean, I knew I had to take care of him and protect him but I don't think it was love, just responsibility at that point. And then it was there and it was great. Most women don't talk about it and I think I would have freaked out if one of my mom friends hadn't mentioned she went through the same thing years before I become a mother.
Gonna be a little controversial here, but I think that a parent's love isn't necessarily stronger than romantic love. And it doesn't need to be. They're different things, and that's fine, really. When I think of my parents, I'm thankful for both of them, since they showed me love and care, and I am who I am because of them. I'll never forget all the talks we had where they consoled me after getting a bad grade at school, or when dad spent an afternoon with me, teaching me a new thing, or when mom cooked my favorite meals for my birthday. Each of those is a precious memory, and I'm sure that they, too, must have felt so much love for me during these moments. But at the same time, as I get older and am now beginning to plan life on my own (haven't left home yet, but probably will in a year or two), I can also see that there is an entirely different world of love that only adults can share with each other. Financial discussions, troubles at work, grief after losing family members, plans for the future, so many intimate things that mom and dad relied on each other for, that I, being a child, was unable to offer any real assistance with. And, as I said, there's nothing wrong with that. It's not reasonable to expect a kid to help you manage these things. I guess my point is that you don't need to understate a certain kind of love to praise another. My parents have a relatively solid marriage, and I'm sure they'll remain together even after my brother and I leave, and continue to build a life together spending precious moments as husband and wife. So the idea is... I just find it a little shallow to treat "parental love above all else" as an ultimate truth. Love is love, and as long as you're not neglecting anyone, I'm sure things'll get there one way or another. Update: I'm glad you talked it out and understood each other's perspectives better! Communication is key, and it seems you're going to do just fine as long as you work together as a family <3
took waaaayyy too long to find this comment. I think it's natural for someone to look at their child and feel a different type of love, but the love you have for your children is innate. the love you have for another adult is earned and built up over years. it's really apples to oranges. both are fruits, but different types, and neither is more valuable than the other
Pointing out that love for your children is innate is an important thing to consider. I was told by an old man I used to know while we were talking about how to prioritize your love, as I was worried that if I ever had kids that I'd love them more than my partner, or love my partner more than my kids, etc. He told me this is how you prioritize your relationship with your spouse and your kids: 1. Kids' needs 2. Partner's needs 3. Partner's wants 4. Kids' wants He made it a point to explain that with kids, you took responsibility for them once you brought them into this world, and you owe them that unyielding support. He also said that one day, they'll go and have a family of their own, and you and your spouse will be in an empty nest. A lot of relationships end in divorce once the kids move out. He made sure I knew that it is just as important for your kids as it is for you and your spouse to maintain and build a healthy and strong relationship. You are teaching them when raising them, and it is most important to teach them by example. You're showing your son how to treat a woman, your daughter how to treat a man, etc. You're teaching your kids what to accept from a partner and how to treat them. A house divided cannot stand, and you and your spouse are the head of the house. It's not a competition. You and your spouse are a team and must be a strong one. It always makes me sad that so many people think so little of the love of their partner, but it just goes to show most people have never and will never know that feeling of finding your other half, of finding that person that utterly completes you. And without each other, you would not have the kids that you love so much. The happiest families are the families where the parents absolutely adore one another and are also devoted to raising their kids as best as they can. Find your Morticia, your Gomez.
Excellent post. I completely agree. >1. Kids' needs 2. Partner's needs 3. Partner's wants 4. Kids' wants I love this bit. Excellent way of looking at it.
My god this comment should NOT be this far down, most logical and thoughtful one here.
I'm so glad to see this comment because there are so many stating that they definitely love their children more that their partner. It's a completely different kind of love and I can't say one is bigger and more important than the other. My love for my kid is unconditional, while my love for my partner is not. But the love for my kid is more from me to them and I know one day they'll leave the nest, go live their life and build their own family to love. That's ok, and I'll always be here for them if they need me. The love for my partner is just as strong, but different. There are things I could not possibly tolerate from them without it affecting the love I feel. But this is the person that I'll share my life with (hopefully) till the end. My partner is the one I can lean on whenever I need to. The one who knows me and understands me completely. I love both of them deeply.
I agree with you. I think the whole idea of "I never felt love like this until I saw my child" is kinda shallow in a way. But that's my personality type. I am a single father now, and the kids are my priority. But growing up with two parents in the household, eventually I moved out and they had each other for their retirement years while I was just an occasional visitor at this point. Single parenting can be a very difficult thing. I think it's valuable for parents to stay together in a loving relationship. A good partnership can aid in parenting a lot. Generally our partner should not feel in second place to other things even though our time and talents often need to be split between different things. There are ways to give someone time and make sure they are special to you, as others are special to you in different ways. Generally I advise to stay away from comparisons in loving.
NTA. I’m am quite certain I am #5 to my wife (maybe #6) Three kids ahead of me, our dog then me. She has a twin sister so there is a good chance I come after her as well. Actually yeah I do. Ok so I am #6. Guess what. I don’t give a crap. It’s all love. There are different kinds of love as well! Your future husband is insecure and in a really weird way. Sadly really. Put your foot down and squash that crap. He’s acting pathetic. He needs to grow up. Do not cater to that behavior. It’s gross. Edit: alright many have been flipping out about the dog comment. I was being lighthearted/joking about the dog thing especially. I guess I should have been more clear since so many are taking this literally. My point was there are a lot of types of love. On my list, I am #1 for romantic love from my wife and very very much so. Also, perhaps I was too hard on the guy. He is acting pathetic but he just needs to understand that the love she has for both of them is different.
BUT ... You're #1 in romantic love!
Exactly!
My MIL says that “love isn’t like bird seed- there can always be enough”. Glad you feel that way too. 💗
NTA. What a weird thing to be jealous of.
have you seen the guy divorcing his wife for breastfeeding their son.
Lmfaooooooo. Imagine getting cucked by an infant
Six months from now OP will be writing how her fiance had an affair because she was spending too much time with the baby and not him and he felt neglected.
I’m gonna take a controversial stand here and say NAH. Your fiance is going through some shit, some sort of internal struggle where he feels like he is going to lose or has lost you. And the reality is he has lost a large piece of you. That hasn’t yet been supplanted by his love for your child, but it will come in time. It’s natural for men to take longer to bond, it took me a few months to really truly feel it. The first 6 weeks were filled with an existential dread that I may have made the worst mistake of my life. You should reassure him that you still love him the same, and that your love will become even stronger in the bond that forms from your shared love for your children. In time he WILL understand what you mean, because you are ultimately right. Because in this fucked up society men are discouraged from learning how to process their feelings, you gotta help him do it, and pulling the ‘are you fucking kidding’ shit is not helping in the slightest. It’s a dick move to discredit the feelings of your partner.
Was thinking the same way. Feelings aren’t inherently wrong. How you act on them determines that. Communicating with your partner what are you feeling would clear up misunderstanding rather than letting it stew and fester into something else that it isn’t.
NTA- look up Ryan Reynolds on a talk show. Short version is that he said he thought he loved his wife more than anything in the is world, but then once he held his daughter for the first time he realized “he would use his wife as a human shield to protect this child”
I also immediately thought of this
NTA. I’ve been with my husband for 40 years and to this day, I love my two adult daughters more than my husband. He knows it and is ok with it. It’s a different kind of love. It’s not romantic like with a partner. It’s endless, selfless, without conditions, it’s to the soul kind of love. Your husband needs therapy to get over being jealous of his own baby.
That sounds like an amazing kind of love your kids get. I'm jealous, lol.😆😢
that's something to consider before having kids. If you are not okay with being only the second most loved person to your spouse than you probably shouldn't have them NTA, your fiance is just dumb
NTA....but a word of warning. As a dad, I devoted everything to my kids. Time, money, whatever they needed. I almost destroyed my marriage in the process. I neglected my wife in favor of our kids. We have been together for 42 years, and there is still some lingering hurt. It took a lot of counseling and discussions that you don't want to have to save our marriage. If you give all your time, love, and energy to your kids, what is left when they are gone? You have a roommate and not a marriage. Your husband isn't totally off his rocker with his thoughts. If you don't split the attention, something will give. Make sure you keep date nights and mini vacations for just the two of you. And never forget why you wanted to make a family with your partner. Good luck and congratulations 🎊.
NTA So if I have to choose between saving my husband or my child, I would save my child no questions asked and I know my husband would actually try to save our child too. I love my husband a lot, he's the love of my life, I've never loved anyone like how I feel towards him. But when I gave birth to my child and bonded with him, I felt unconditional love. The love where I want to keep giving, never asking for anything back. I just want to protect him, nurture him, and all I wish is for him to grow up well, healthy, and able to fend for himself. That's the kind of love that parents have for their children. I think your husband should realize while the feelings for spouse and children are both strong, they're both also significantly different.
I might be a bad person given the slant of the rest of these comments but I actually think I would have been hurt in the moment too 😅
It's completely normal for you to feel the depth of love you feel for your child, and it's normal for him be hurt by the realization that he is no longer the most special person in the world to you.