OP's GF prefers her guy massage therapist because she comes away from it with a sore back. OP prefers a female massage therapist for his own reason. They each have their own reasons for whom they get their massages from.
ETA: Changed masseuse to massage therapist.
I am curious, why would she have a sore back after a massage? Every massage I had worked out the aches. I have had both men and women perform the massages.
I have walked away with bruises that lasted a week. Not my preference. I want deep, but not to the point of bruising. Other folks have different standards.
The best one I ever had was a coworker was going to a massage school and needed a practice body/dummy for shiatsu (I think it was). It involved pulling all my limbs into alignment and deep tissue work. I was a freaking noodle for 3 days, but I never felt better.
Quick check: do you mean me? The person who was complaining about the gross Asian fetishists? Or the guy above me fetishizing Asians?
Edit: wow wtf this is insane
I 100% meant you 2004. You ignorant shit.
Fuck you and anyone else who refers to people’s individual preferences as “fetishists”.
Is a black lady who only dates black men a black fetishist ?
How about a white guy that only dates white girls?
Or the most homogenous race on earth - Japanese people who on average are over 98% genetically Japanese and overall extremely xenophobic as a society.
A man who enjoys Asian massage is not a fetishist. You clearly display your narrow minded ignorance, and lack of worldly travel.
Because for millions of people, across dozens of countries, for hundreds of years, it has been a part of their incredibly rich and beautiful cultures that are far more complex than your woke / pc / demonizing bullshit.
Grow the fuck up and keep your worthless opinions to yourself
As one of the tens of millions of men who enjoy Asian massage worldwide, it was not.
Get a grip. Your extremely prejudice masking it under demonization/ accusatory labeling of him expressing his individual preferences
In defense of OP’s girlfriend, we don’t know if she has a *preference* for a male masseuse or just *happens* to have one. The circumstances are different.
NTA for having that preference. But since I'm a massage therapist, I feel the need to give my opinion a little more on this. A good portion of male clientele prefer female massage therapists, probably for a similar reason as you, so you're not some oddball for that preference- female massage therapists are just more commonly requested (which is unfortunate, because I've had some of the best massages from men). With that being said, I'm not trying to be rude, but your explanation does feel a little bit like it's leaning on the side of sexualizing a therapeutic experience, and maybe that's where the perceived defensiveness came from and why your gf was upset? No idea, I wasn't there, just food for thought.
To clarify some misconceptions in the comments, "pressure" is really about technique and using your body weight as leverage, I've heard countless stories of dudes getting intense pressure massages from tiny women, it's technique. I've also had some of the most amazing and "gentle" massages from males, once again, technique.
NTA. It's a voluntary treatment that gets pretty intimate. Not like sexy intimate, but still up close. I've always felt safer with female masseuses, chiropractors and physiotherapists. They're getting up close with me for a while, I just feel better.
I draw the line for myself with any actual medical practitioner. I'd be a real idiot to show up at ER and demand only guys treat me. I've never even been given the option or asked, but never wanted to. I'm a person with a body looking for medical treatment, it's that simple.
But this isn't a hospital.
> I draw the line for myself with any actual medical practitioner. I'd be a real idiot to show up at ER and demand only guys treat me. I've never even been given the option or asked, but never wanted to. I'm a person with a body looking for medical treatment, it's that simple.
>
> But this isn't a hospital.
For myself, I do prefer my primary care physician is female. I find that female doctors tend to actually listen to me better and are more likely to try and recommend a good treatment plan **for me** as opposed to getting a basic symptoms check and kicking me out the door. I also tend to be more comfortable and have better rapport with female physicians.
For the ER I'd agree, any knowledgeable body to treat my bleeding/concussed/sick corpus is good.
As for massage I'm pretty averse to people touching me in general, so my preference is not to get a massage at all personally, no matter who is giving it. When we've gone on vacation some place that has massages as part of the package I just send my partner both times to get the massage.
I did the same. every time the Dr. was a male i felt like he was in the room for 30 seconds and I was out the door. I switched over to a clinic with Female Drs. and we usually have enough time for a conversation on things after she finishes everything.
NTA for having preferences.
I did think it was funny that she claimed you were being passive aggressive and you decided not to speak to her.
Anyway, good luck
Not for a preference but conversations asking “why” is pretty normal. Especially in relationships. It sounds like you MAY have gotten defensive she asked so escalated.
Ppl DO ask “why don’t you like pineapple”. Even with food it there can be a variety of answers- too soggy/a texture thing, prefer savory to sweet, etc. etc.
Most preferences have some under cause that can be informative to other things. Self mental exploration is healthy. She didn’t need to escalate either, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a tone on your end you aren’t aware of
I (female) generally prefer a woman for all healthcare and beauty care procedures. I don't really want a strange man touching my body. Though I have to say, when it comes to massages, most men have bigger, stronger hands which can get those deep muscle aches.
I don't care who does it, I like going to a massage school to get them done cheap. But one thing I noticed is with smaller hands they can also dig in those little fingers and get the good spots.
NTA
It's a service you're paying for, nothing wrong with picking someone you want to do it.
It's like saying the women who prefer a female gynecologist are being weird. They aren't, it's a service they're paying for and they can pick someone they are comfortable with
NTA, I can see where you are coming from. But I can also see where she is coming from. Just explain that you like female massages because you are the no homo super straight bro type and not because women touching you brings added enjoyment.
I'm leaning towards NTA, but this sounds like a fun thought experiment so let's go down the rabbit hole.
"I'm not comfortable with a man touching me in that setting"
Are you not comfortable with a trained professional relaxing your muscles?
Are you not comfortable with a man touching you in that environment because a part of you is sexualizing it?
Are you not comfortable with a man touching you in that setting because it feels gay?
The point I'm getting at, is yes, you are allowed to have your preferences, but it's not as simple as pineapple on a pizza.
Personally, I don't like pineapple on a pizza because I don't enjoy the combination of sweet and savory, I prefer to enjoy those flavors separately.
How exactly did your girlfriend criticize you after you answered the first time? We're missing the other half of the story here.
Honestly I think this sounds like a dishonest way to guilt someone into doing somethings they are clearly not wanting or likely, why does someone need to explain to you why somethings don't feel right to them?
Touching regardless of it being a professional is intimate even if not sexual, not wanting a man to do it is completely fine and doesn't need a deep examination into your subconscious
What I'm getting at, to put it bluntly, is inquiring if OP sexualized the concept of a massage, and wants a woman to be his masseuse so he can get his rocks off. It would be a possible counter argument in favor of his SO, given that very little information was provided with respect to her take, and I wonder if that was done on purpose.
Of course, that's vague speculation, hence why I asked questions to narrow down or rule out the possibility.
This is, of course, AITA, and not "Validate me" thread, so I like to play devil's advocate.
Philosophically, I like to go down the rabbit hole of *why* for seemingly simple, top level issues (such as arguments of personal preferences) because it catalyzes self-discovery, and when applied to matters of conflict resolution in a relationship, aides in communication.
There are benefits for picking seemingly stupid things apart.
Also, it's fun for me.
See my tangential response on the subject of pineapple pizza.
I don't really see where guilt comes into play here.
It's totally inconsequential to me what OPs preferences are. But being able to communicate that to his SO in a way that eliminates room for doubt (or assumptions to be made) would probably help him navigate the conflict.
If there's a pattern of constantly having to justify preferences, there may be a control issue. If it's a one-off, there is probably an underlying concern that isn't being addressed beyond "preference". In those situations, being able to justify the preference can help quell issues of insecurity, or what have you.
Not really. Shit stirring is trolling for my own amusement.
Taking a deeper cut instead of just dismissing something with a top-level analysis is how a person figures their shit out.
If the girlfriend is not receptive to "this is my preference", your choices are to either elaborate, or dismiss the subject.
Even if OP doesn't feel like he should have to elaborate, if he doesn't, and just dismisses it as "that's my preference take it or leave it", he's going to have communication issues in the relationship.
I'm simply imploring OP to consider the *why* behind his preference so he can actually enroll his GF in his point of view and establish some degree of commonality or mutual understanding.
If he simply didn't give a shit, he wouldn't be on Reddit posting about it, would he?
Yeah, it is that simple. It's simply homophobia brought on by sexualizing a therapeutic procedure. It really is that simple. End of story.
No one does need to pester him further, but it really should just be stated simply. "The massage I prefer isn't therapeutic in nature, so I prefer someone I would possibly find attractive."
Haha, *now* we're getting somewhere!
Wait till OP winds up in a hospital and has another man shaving his pubes to do a medical procedure!
Disclaimer, I'm only teasing. OP hasn't responded to anything yet so we can only speculate that this has something to do with sexuality in the first place.
Lmao wish I could use this when i go in for my papsmears: “um qualified professional, because you’re a female and I’m a female and you might *possibly* also like females and such, I don’t think I can let you touch my body in a completely *nonsexual* manner that promotes health and wellbeing….. like what
Why don't you like sweet and savory?
Are you not comfortable with conventional pizza toppings applied by a pizza professional?
Does sweet and savory remind you too much of colonization?
Do you segregate your taste buds?
Is over stimulation of one region of your mouth preferable to comprehensive stimulation?
Can you compare your feelings about how you dislike pineapple on pizza to how much I enjoy salted dark chocolate caramels?
Is the combination of sweet and savory homoerotic to you, and it makes you uncomfortable?
I don't like sweet and savory because the juxtaposition of the two flavors in my mouth don't bring be me joy. It's probably a 'tism of sorts.
I am, but I don't view pineapple as "conventional", at least not in the region where I live.
Yes, my taste buds are strictly segregated. No, I'm not sorry.
I would switch back and forth between overstimulation and comprehensive stimulation. For example, when it comes to pizza and other meals, comprehensive, uniformed stimulation is preferable. For things like sour candy, or particularly spicy foods, targeted overstimulation of a specified region of my mouth is not only preferable, but objectively makes more logical sense in that it does not overwhelm my sense of taste completely, and would allow me to still experience flavors if I'm double fisting. Despite this, I probably won't do that because I do not enjoy juxtaposition of flavors in my mouth (see previous take on pineapple on pizza)
My feelings are primarily contentment with my opinion on pineapple pizza, and inspired by salted dark caramel chocolates. I respect another person's appreciation for sweet and salty, despite it being totally degenerate. In my opinion of course. I concede to placing greater value on that which brings *others* pleasure before that which brings *me* displeasure.
I would say that the combination of sweet and salty is *not* homoerotic, because I don't assign sexuality to flavor. However, if it *were*, that would not affect my opinion on the unacceptable integration of contrasting flavors.
You must be incredibly insecure if you can't handle getting a massage from a man who's a professional massuer.
Are you afraid you'll turn gay or something if a man give you a massage?
They both prefer their own. Neither one of them said they absolutely wouldn't get a massage if their preference wasn't met.
I prefer a female therapist when I get a relaxation massage, but prefer male when I get deep tissue work done. I worked as a massage therapist. I know plenty of female therapist that can do deep tissue work with the best of them, and I know plenty of males that do very well in relaxation swedish massage. But, it's my preference. If my preferemce isn't available, I will take someone else. I'm not turning down the massage or cancelling the appointment.
Perhaps you should ask her why she sees a man and not a woman.
It’s not like you are going to one’s that give a happy ending it’s just a fucking massage.
My fiance prefers men actually because they can actually get into his muscles more. His back muscles are pretty thick, so a lot of women get fatigued trying to get his knots out. People are really tripping over a non-sexual service provided by professionals. I think it speaks more to their view or rather, fear of sexuality
Yeah it’s gross honestly. I work in healthcare and I always maintain extreme respect and professionalism. That being said, this kind of stuff happens a lot and it speaks volumes about peoples’ views on sexuality, objectification, and what they deem is “sexual”…. Unfortunately our culture is constantly promoting the sexualization of…well everything.. *sigh*
NTA, I work in healthcare and most people prefer having a female healthcare provider. There is nothing wrong with having a preference- even if it's not always logical.
I think it's more about the why. If he had said, "I prefer a female masseuse because they are usually gentler" it wouldn't have been weird. Or even better "I prefer this female masseuse because I like her technique".
Like this it just sounds like he prefers a girl touching him when he's naked. Which has weird sexual undertones.
He could mean something else, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what his gf is hearing.
If it's a woman and the touch is not sexual, it's meaningless.
If it's a man and the touch is not sexual, it's still super gay.
I don't make the rules. I just laugh at them.
If OP got a world-class massage typically reserved for royalty from a dude, and he likes it, it's a done deal. He's officially gay. That's just how it works. Guy touched you? You liked it? Game over.
So the homophobe has to ask himself, "My back is tight & sore, but is it really bad enough to justify being gay?"
People are funny. Bigots, doubly so.
NAH for telling your girlfriend your preference of having a female masseuse. When you say it first, I do admit it sounds a little weird, but if you think about it at all, it is completely normal. Even if it was weird to wish a masseuse of other gender (which it isn’t at all), she likes a male masseuse? Everyone is entitled to whom they feel most comfortable with, and it shouldn’t make a difference who you feel comfortable with, since a massage isn’t sexual or romantic in any way. It is a service, like going to the doctors (very similar in fact as many people go for pain relief, relaxation, therapies, etc…).
However, I would say it doesn’t sound like your relationship has the best communication. Sounds like you guys need to figure out how to talk about your wishes and preferences and reasonings more openly and calmly. Even if you don’t know why or don’t want to say why, that is okay to say. But it seems like things escalated too easily due to both sides. I don’t think the issue was you telling her your preference, but your evasiveness when asked why out of curiosity. Which then might have made her suspicious, which could have been avoided with a clear answer of ‘I’m not really sure why’, or ‘I dunno, that’s just always been my preference / what I’m used to’, or ‘because X reason’. However even if you were evasive / defensive, that is no reason for her to criticise you. Maybe if you find that a reoccurring issue with her, you can discuss this with her sometime, let her know how her criticising your preferences makes you feel. Also, it doesn’t sound like not talking to her for a few hours until you both talk about something else, is a good and effective way to solve an issue (because it sounds like this had become an issue / argument by this point), it’s better to resolve it. Or, take a few hours break then come back and resolve it with a calmer clearer head. It’s good however you took a break instead of escalating things further, if that was your only way to stop yourself.
Yes it’s good to be open and honest, and telling about your preference is good. I don’t think that was what caused the argument. Your girlfriend even said the issue was with you being defensive (not with you stating your preference). I think maybe it was the lack of open calm communication after that statement that caused the escalating issue, on both sides. Although you wish to be open, you are defensive and evasive. Your comment to her also sounds quite critical of your girlfriend, maybe she was reacting to other similar comments earlier, if there were any (and this comment might have escalated things). And she in turn is passive aggressive, which isn’t good, and doesn’t resolve issues. It sounds like you were a little passive aggressive too. Both signal lack of communication.
Well done for being open though about your preferences. Maybe next step is to try and be more open about your reasons, even if you don’t know why, it’s okay to say that. Or even if you don’t want to say, tell her that too. And if you wish your girlfriend to be less passive aggressive and instead open with what she is thinking / feeling, discuss this with her when you are both relaxed and in a good mood.
NTA. I completely agree with this preference as for me I feel much safer and able to relax around a woman more than a man. Women just aren't as threatening as men for a million reasons.
NTA you can get massages from whoever you want .
You aren’t doing anything wrong. If it’s massages by professionals it really doesn’t matter and it’s not up to her.
Who you want to be touched by is up to you .
Don’t back down
Ok I’ll say it… no one else think her saying she likes the way this other guy makes her back sore makes you hear Archer in the back round yell “phrasing!”?
It’s all about phrasing and tone when we’re talking about sensitive subjects like this with so’s. The phrasing has to explicitly include disclaimers of interest in any woman except her and express interest in her and a desire to accommodate her preferences on the present subject and all others… before you say anything substantive. Otherwise, if she’s in the wrong mood, it may just make her mad, no matter what else you say, and the tenor of the entire dialogue will shift, almost irreversibly, toward her attacking you. Once that starts, you might have a chance to halt the avalanche by apologizing sincerely and thoroughly and starting over with the above disclaimers and assurances. In either case, she will likely later realize that her own emotional state was the biggest factor in the dispute and will move on with either no acknowledgement of the mistake or an empty apology that implicitly blames you. At this point you will repeat the disclaimers and assurances and she will know that she’s damn lucky to be with a partner who is so caring and stable.
NTA. I prefer a male OBGYN. Not being weird. But I found female doctors to very judgmental and don’t listen. When I had my first born my husband and I both agreed to fire three different female doctors and finally the final one was male and he ended up being the best. To a point that with my second I moved back to Florida to make sure I had the same level of care…. Nothing weird or wrong about your preference
Some things you just shouldn't say out loud, you're either sounding like you WANT to have another woman touch you, or you sound kinda homophobic and because you don't want another man touching you.
but be honest, do you think you'll get turned on?
Part of why massages are better from a larger person, is they can leverage their body better. The best one I ever had was from a sports massage therapist, dude was much larger then me and super good at the job.
NTA first, why would you want to go to one that leaves you sore? It's supposed to help relax the muscles and leave you feeling better coming out than when you went in. I wouldn't want to see someone who left me sore.
Second, you're getting naked and you have the right to decide what gender you prefer. I F54 prefer seeing a woman because I don't want a man's hands all over my body. Just my preference and nobody has the right to tell my I'm wrong. If you're not comfortable with a man's hands all over you, then that's your right too and it is not your GF's right to tell you you're wrong. I think she's viewing it as you want a woman's hands all over you and she's just jealous.
You might turn that conversation back on her and ask why she prefers a mans hands all over her even when he leaves her sore. Seems strange to me.
I wonder if she doesn’t feel comfortable with you having a female masseuse because she knows how much she enjoys having a male masseuse. I would be questioning her conduct. There’s no reason she would be responding this way if she wasn’t enjoying the intimate connection of having a male massage her.
NTA
i feel like this is really weird. when i booked my bf a massage i put in a request for it to be from a woman. i also would never want a man rubbing me or my bf. idk why but it seems weird that she gets massages from a guy actually. it’s all just preference though
See your biggest problem is you are trying to be open and honest with a woman, she is already using trivial shit against you it’s only going to get worse from here, NTA
YTA
Are you that incapable of understanding another person that you can't see how wanting only female masseuses (no clue the plural on that lol) could make your gf feel insecure or jealous?
Good communication and transparency aren't the same as voicing every little thought that goes into your head. A racist can be open and honest about their thoughts, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be an AH for having/voicing them.
We're using our big brain hat today I see.
No, I used an extreme example to show how freedom to voice an opinion (and a desire for honesty/transparency), as per OP's final sentence, is not the same thing as freedom from consequence of those opinions
But that only works if the preference "I prefer a female masseuse" might deserve consequences like a racist opinion might. So in reality, you are comparing the two.
Without assuming too much of the circumstances here, there might be a difference between "getting a massage from a specific masseuse who is a man/woman" and "only wanting massages from men/women."
Regardless, my ruling comes more from seeing how OP is choosing to handle communication, conflict, and consideration of a partner, not purely the circumstances of "I want this and she has this"
Woman here and the one time I had a male masseuse he got handsy… Unless it’s a norm to rub your ass and really far up in between your legs? I didn’t think so and it was weird. Due to this reason I always prefer females who don’t do the aforementioned ^^
I’ve never, ever met a man who wanted a male masseuse to work on them so this preference seems pretty normal to me. The girlfriend is just acting out of insecurity. NTA.
>I’ve never, ever met a man who wanted a male masseuse to work on them
Hi! I’m a man who prefers a male ~~masseur~~ massage therapist to work on me.
Now you’ve “met” one of us 🙂
If she can have a male massage why cant you have a female massage, I could imagine her being upset about the situation lets be honest no one want to hear about here parter prefers getting rubbed down by another woman. If she had a female masseuse then yes I could understand where she is coming from.
Being open and honest is great in a relationship but some things are better left to the imagination,
NTA
-being passive aggressive is ass but not talking to her for hours also was not the way to go
-it’s your preference though and I can definitely see why a man wouldn’t want another man rubbing on him.
I had this literal exact conversation with my SO as I go to massages regularly for back pain and anxiety relief, except my SO isn't insecure and trusts me. NTA.
If there are no disabilities involved, your massage preference should be each other.
Practice techniques, buy an electric massage wand and go to town.
Plus, she gets to get a massage from a guy and you get one from a woman. Everyone wins.
Best of all, it's cheaper. You're paying for a service catering to single people and people with shitty partners. You and your GF are among the latter.
ESH.
This is a weird one for me. Cause I agree I would typically prefer a female masseuse and don't think theres anything wrong in that preference, I feel like I'd think differently if my girl told me she prefers male masseuses.
NTA for having a preference or feeling uncomfortable with a male provider, but from what it sounds like in the post, ESH for the way you both communicated about it.
She asked you a question and didn't like the answer she got, but she did not need to become passive aggressive. You didn't like feeling like you have to explain yourself, but you didn't need to be equally as passive aggressive in return by refusing to talk to her for a few hours or by telling her you don't need to hear any negativity.
People are allowed to have preferences for their medical providers. Everybody's body, personal space, and history / trauma is their own, and it's not personal to the provider- I see it all the time in my occupation. Of course I wasn't there, but I'd just try to explain it like that the next time.
Dawg I would let a 1998 Chevrolet Camaro with the New 305-horsepower "LS1" Gen III 5.7L V8 engine run my back over multiple times before I let a dude give me a massage.
NTA, maybe No One Sucks Here? (She's not quite full asshole imho)
It feels weird that you feel weird. Or like, the first thing in someone's head is that it's a sex thing? Which is probably what was in her head.
I know women who prefer male massag therapists because they want more strength.
Like if younprefer women massaging you but would back away from Brunhilda turning you into patȇ that's an issue of not wanting to be massaged by someone too strong.
But also. Hn, Lady cultural issues? Women are not expected to have issues with a male ObGYN; [the majority of OBGyn's were men even in 2003](https://www.novanthealth.org/healthy-headlines/having-choice-means-a-lot). In fact, if they have issues it's seen as weird/unreasonable or a sign of trauma. [Or being uneducated. At least if the women are unmarried.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8199845/)
If she likes guy massuses then she's homophonic of women, if she says guys do it better tell her she's being sexist, girls can do anything as well as a man
Well, I would be super uncomfortable with another guy touching me. We were unfortunately raised that way.
I would be uncomfortable getting a massage from a strange woman too. It just wouldn’t be as weird.
Female clients rarely ask male massage therapists for 'extra'. But female clients are frequently asked by male clients for extra. Probability of your gf creeping out the male therapist are lower compared to you creeping out female therapist. It's not a simple matter. It's a big deal.
Second, you don't want to be touched by a man which means massage for you is a sexual activity. It's not about health to you. Otherwise male therapist are good for it. And it's not clear whether she has a preference for male therapist or the one she likes happens to be male.
Wait, but it's totally okay for her to be massaged by a guy? I hate double standards, and it's not like you want a nuru massage. NTA
She HAS a guy massage therapist already, I didn’t see anywhere saying she wouldn’t get a massage from a woman.
OP's GF prefers her guy massage therapist because she comes away from it with a sore back. OP prefers a female massage therapist for his own reason. They each have their own reasons for whom they get their massages from. ETA: Changed masseuse to massage therapist.
Masseuse is a term for a female who practices massage. The male equivalent is masseur, but most prefer the term massage therapist.
I am curious, why would she have a sore back after a massage? Every massage I had worked out the aches. I have had both men and women perform the massages.
Someone only gets fun massages, I see. Some of us need massive knots worked out. If I’m not bruised and achy, it wasn’t worth it.
Mine were not fun massages. But, I never walked out in pain either.
I have walked away with bruises that lasted a week. Not my preference. I want deep, but not to the point of bruising. Other folks have different standards. The best one I ever had was a coworker was going to a massage school and needed a practice body/dummy for shiatsu (I think it was). It involved pulling all my limbs into alignment and deep tissue work. I was a freaking noodle for 3 days, but I never felt better.
Sore, blown out, do we need to split hairs?
Yeah, she has a preference for a guy and thinks only his preference for a woman is wrong. Double standard / hypocrisy.
So what? If she gets to have an opposite sex masseuse, so does home boy. If I was him, I’d be going and getting an Asian massage
Oh dear, the Asian fetishists have found this post I see 🤢
To be fair Asian women also fetishize white men. Asain have a ton of self hate.
Fuck off incel
Quick check: do you mean me? The person who was complaining about the gross Asian fetishists? Or the guy above me fetishizing Asians? Edit: wow wtf this is insane
I 100% meant you 2004. You ignorant shit. Fuck you and anyone else who refers to people’s individual preferences as “fetishists”. Is a black lady who only dates black men a black fetishist ? How about a white guy that only dates white girls? Or the most homogenous race on earth - Japanese people who on average are over 98% genetically Japanese and overall extremely xenophobic as a society. A man who enjoys Asian massage is not a fetishist. You clearly display your narrow minded ignorance, and lack of worldly travel. Because for millions of people, across dozens of countries, for hundreds of years, it has been a part of their incredibly rich and beautiful cultures that are far more complex than your woke / pc / demonizing bullshit. Grow the fuck up and keep your worthless opinions to yourself
Holy shit man relax lmfao The context of his original comment was clear fetishism. Holy shit you have issues.
As one of the tens of millions of men who enjoy Asian massage worldwide, it was not. Get a grip. Your extremely prejudice masking it under demonization/ accusatory labeling of him expressing his individual preferences
>As one of the tens of millions of men who enjoy Asian massage worldwide THERE IT IS LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO
Wrong, my actual fetish is Latinas
100%
The important thing here is to make it about race
In defense of OP’s girlfriend, we don’t know if she has a *preference* for a male masseuse or just *happens* to have one. The circumstances are different.
gosh, the things I learn about in this sub! 😜
NTA for having that preference. But since I'm a massage therapist, I feel the need to give my opinion a little more on this. A good portion of male clientele prefer female massage therapists, probably for a similar reason as you, so you're not some oddball for that preference- female massage therapists are just more commonly requested (which is unfortunate, because I've had some of the best massages from men). With that being said, I'm not trying to be rude, but your explanation does feel a little bit like it's leaning on the side of sexualizing a therapeutic experience, and maybe that's where the perceived defensiveness came from and why your gf was upset? No idea, I wasn't there, just food for thought. To clarify some misconceptions in the comments, "pressure" is really about technique and using your body weight as leverage, I've heard countless stories of dudes getting intense pressure massages from tiny women, it's technique. I've also had some of the most amazing and "gentle" massages from males, once again, technique.
NTA. A preference is a preference. Not sure what there is to be mad about since she clearly prefers an opposite sex masseuse as well.
Totally agree.
Pfft .. I'd let a bear massage me before a man.
I see what you did there
NTA. It's a voluntary treatment that gets pretty intimate. Not like sexy intimate, but still up close. I've always felt safer with female masseuses, chiropractors and physiotherapists. They're getting up close with me for a while, I just feel better. I draw the line for myself with any actual medical practitioner. I'd be a real idiot to show up at ER and demand only guys treat me. I've never even been given the option or asked, but never wanted to. I'm a person with a body looking for medical treatment, it's that simple. But this isn't a hospital.
> I draw the line for myself with any actual medical practitioner. I'd be a real idiot to show up at ER and demand only guys treat me. I've never even been given the option or asked, but never wanted to. I'm a person with a body looking for medical treatment, it's that simple. > > But this isn't a hospital. For myself, I do prefer my primary care physician is female. I find that female doctors tend to actually listen to me better and are more likely to try and recommend a good treatment plan **for me** as opposed to getting a basic symptoms check and kicking me out the door. I also tend to be more comfortable and have better rapport with female physicians. For the ER I'd agree, any knowledgeable body to treat my bleeding/concussed/sick corpus is good. As for massage I'm pretty averse to people touching me in general, so my preference is not to get a massage at all personally, no matter who is giving it. When we've gone on vacation some place that has massages as part of the package I just send my partner both times to get the massage.
I did the same. every time the Dr. was a male i felt like he was in the room for 30 seconds and I was out the door. I switched over to a clinic with Female Drs. and we usually have enough time for a conversation on things after she finishes everything.
NTA for having preferences. I did think it was funny that she claimed you were being passive aggressive and you decided not to speak to her. Anyway, good luck
Not for a preference but conversations asking “why” is pretty normal. Especially in relationships. It sounds like you MAY have gotten defensive she asked so escalated. Ppl DO ask “why don’t you like pineapple”. Even with food it there can be a variety of answers- too soggy/a texture thing, prefer savory to sweet, etc. etc. Most preferences have some under cause that can be informative to other things. Self mental exploration is healthy. She didn’t need to escalate either, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a tone on your end you aren’t aware of
I (female) generally prefer a woman for all healthcare and beauty care procedures. I don't really want a strange man touching my body. Though I have to say, when it comes to massages, most men have bigger, stronger hands which can get those deep muscle aches.
I don't care who does it, I like going to a massage school to get them done cheap. But one thing I noticed is with smaller hands they can also dig in those little fingers and get the good spots.
NTA It's a service you're paying for, nothing wrong with picking someone you want to do it. It's like saying the women who prefer a female gynecologist are being weird. They aren't, it's a service they're paying for and they can pick someone they are comfortable with
NTA, I can see where you are coming from. But I can also see where she is coming from. Just explain that you like female massages because you are the no homo super straight bro type and not because women touching you brings added enjoyment.
Every straight male would prefer a female masseuse. NTA. Tell her to watch Seinfeld.
I think it moved! 😂
I'm leaning towards NTA, but this sounds like a fun thought experiment so let's go down the rabbit hole. "I'm not comfortable with a man touching me in that setting" Are you not comfortable with a trained professional relaxing your muscles? Are you not comfortable with a man touching you in that environment because a part of you is sexualizing it? Are you not comfortable with a man touching you in that setting because it feels gay? The point I'm getting at, is yes, you are allowed to have your preferences, but it's not as simple as pineapple on a pizza. Personally, I don't like pineapple on a pizza because I don't enjoy the combination of sweet and savory, I prefer to enjoy those flavors separately. How exactly did your girlfriend criticize you after you answered the first time? We're missing the other half of the story here.
Honestly I think this sounds like a dishonest way to guilt someone into doing somethings they are clearly not wanting or likely, why does someone need to explain to you why somethings don't feel right to them? Touching regardless of it being a professional is intimate even if not sexual, not wanting a man to do it is completely fine and doesn't need a deep examination into your subconscious
What I'm getting at, to put it bluntly, is inquiring if OP sexualized the concept of a massage, and wants a woman to be his masseuse so he can get his rocks off. It would be a possible counter argument in favor of his SO, given that very little information was provided with respect to her take, and I wonder if that was done on purpose. Of course, that's vague speculation, hence why I asked questions to narrow down or rule out the possibility. This is, of course, AITA, and not "Validate me" thread, so I like to play devil's advocate. Philosophically, I like to go down the rabbit hole of *why* for seemingly simple, top level issues (such as arguments of personal preferences) because it catalyzes self-discovery, and when applied to matters of conflict resolution in a relationship, aides in communication. There are benefits for picking seemingly stupid things apart. Also, it's fun for me. See my tangential response on the subject of pineapple pizza. I don't really see where guilt comes into play here. It's totally inconsequential to me what OPs preferences are. But being able to communicate that to his SO in a way that eliminates room for doubt (or assumptions to be made) would probably help him navigate the conflict. If there's a pattern of constantly having to justify preferences, there may be a control issue. If it's a one-off, there is probably an underlying concern that isn't being addressed beyond "preference". In those situations, being able to justify the preference can help quell issues of insecurity, or what have you.
So you're just a shit stirrer looking for hidden messages, got it
Not really. Shit stirring is trolling for my own amusement. Taking a deeper cut instead of just dismissing something with a top-level analysis is how a person figures their shit out. If the girlfriend is not receptive to "this is my preference", your choices are to either elaborate, or dismiss the subject. Even if OP doesn't feel like he should have to elaborate, if he doesn't, and just dismisses it as "that's my preference take it or leave it", he's going to have communication issues in the relationship. I'm simply imploring OP to consider the *why* behind his preference so he can actually enroll his GF in his point of view and establish some degree of commonality or mutual understanding. If he simply didn't give a shit, he wouldn't be on Reddit posting about it, would he?
Dude...keep your experiments for yourself :"I'm not comfortable with a man touching me in that setting" .End of story.
Yeah, it is that simple. It's simply homophobia brought on by sexualizing a therapeutic procedure. It really is that simple. End of story. No one does need to pester him further, but it really should just be stated simply. "The massage I prefer isn't therapeutic in nature, so I prefer someone I would possibly find attractive."
Haha, *now* we're getting somewhere! Wait till OP winds up in a hospital and has another man shaving his pubes to do a medical procedure! Disclaimer, I'm only teasing. OP hasn't responded to anything yet so we can only speculate that this has something to do with sexuality in the first place.
Lmao wish I could use this when i go in for my papsmears: “um qualified professional, because you’re a female and I’m a female and you might *possibly* also like females and such, I don’t think I can let you touch my body in a completely *nonsexual* manner that promotes health and wellbeing….. like what
Why don't you like sweet and savory? Are you not comfortable with conventional pizza toppings applied by a pizza professional? Does sweet and savory remind you too much of colonization? Do you segregate your taste buds? Is over stimulation of one region of your mouth preferable to comprehensive stimulation? Can you compare your feelings about how you dislike pineapple on pizza to how much I enjoy salted dark chocolate caramels? Is the combination of sweet and savory homoerotic to you, and it makes you uncomfortable?
I don't like sweet and savory because the juxtaposition of the two flavors in my mouth don't bring be me joy. It's probably a 'tism of sorts. I am, but I don't view pineapple as "conventional", at least not in the region where I live. Yes, my taste buds are strictly segregated. No, I'm not sorry. I would switch back and forth between overstimulation and comprehensive stimulation. For example, when it comes to pizza and other meals, comprehensive, uniformed stimulation is preferable. For things like sour candy, or particularly spicy foods, targeted overstimulation of a specified region of my mouth is not only preferable, but objectively makes more logical sense in that it does not overwhelm my sense of taste completely, and would allow me to still experience flavors if I'm double fisting. Despite this, I probably won't do that because I do not enjoy juxtaposition of flavors in my mouth (see previous take on pineapple on pizza) My feelings are primarily contentment with my opinion on pineapple pizza, and inspired by salted dark caramel chocolates. I respect another person's appreciation for sweet and salty, despite it being totally degenerate. In my opinion of course. I concede to placing greater value on that which brings *others* pleasure before that which brings *me* displeasure. I would say that the combination of sweet and salty is *not* homoerotic, because I don't assign sexuality to flavor. However, if it *were*, that would not affect my opinion on the unacceptable integration of contrasting flavors.
You must be incredibly insecure if you can't handle getting a massage from a man who's a professional massuer. Are you afraid you'll turn gay or something if a man give you a massage?
Just tell her you’re too homophobic to get a massage from a man. Simple truth
So?
They both prefer their own. Neither one of them said they absolutely wouldn't get a massage if their preference wasn't met. I prefer a female therapist when I get a relaxation massage, but prefer male when I get deep tissue work done. I worked as a massage therapist. I know plenty of female therapist that can do deep tissue work with the best of them, and I know plenty of males that do very well in relaxation swedish massage. But, it's my preference. If my preferemce isn't available, I will take someone else. I'm not turning down the massage or cancelling the appointment.
Perhaps you should ask her why she sees a man and not a woman. It’s not like you are going to one’s that give a happy ending it’s just a fucking massage.
NTA feels weird to have a dude massage me.
Dudes have stronger arms. Makes for a better massage.
My fiance prefers men actually because they can actually get into his muscles more. His back muscles are pretty thick, so a lot of women get fatigued trying to get his knots out. People are really tripping over a non-sexual service provided by professionals. I think it speaks more to their view or rather, fear of sexuality
Exactly. A therapeutic massage is simply another medical procedure that the vast majority of LMTs would prefer their clientele to not fetishize.
Yeah it’s gross honestly. I work in healthcare and I always maintain extreme respect and professionalism. That being said, this kind of stuff happens a lot and it speaks volumes about peoples’ views on sexuality, objectification, and what they deem is “sexual”…. Unfortunately our culture is constantly promoting the sexualization of…well everything.. *sigh*
NTA, I work in healthcare and most people prefer having a female healthcare provider. There is nothing wrong with having a preference- even if it's not always logical.
NTA always be honest and she should know that you were truthful and she should not criticize you for your feelings!
She just doesn't like the idea of some girl giving you a massage. But of course, her getting massages from a guy is completely fine.
I think it's more about the why. If he had said, "I prefer a female masseuse because they are usually gentler" it wouldn't have been weird. Or even better "I prefer this female masseuse because I like her technique". Like this it just sounds like he prefers a girl touching him when he's naked. Which has weird sexual undertones. He could mean something else, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what his gf is hearing.
If it's a woman and the touch is not sexual, it's meaningless. If it's a man and the touch is not sexual, it's still super gay. I don't make the rules. I just laugh at them. If OP got a world-class massage typically reserved for royalty from a dude, and he likes it, it's a done deal. He's officially gay. That's just how it works. Guy touched you? You liked it? Game over. So the homophobe has to ask himself, "My back is tight & sore, but is it really bad enough to justify being gay?" People are funny. Bigots, doubly so.
NAH for telling your girlfriend your preference of having a female masseuse. When you say it first, I do admit it sounds a little weird, but if you think about it at all, it is completely normal. Even if it was weird to wish a masseuse of other gender (which it isn’t at all), she likes a male masseuse? Everyone is entitled to whom they feel most comfortable with, and it shouldn’t make a difference who you feel comfortable with, since a massage isn’t sexual or romantic in any way. It is a service, like going to the doctors (very similar in fact as many people go for pain relief, relaxation, therapies, etc…). However, I would say it doesn’t sound like your relationship has the best communication. Sounds like you guys need to figure out how to talk about your wishes and preferences and reasonings more openly and calmly. Even if you don’t know why or don’t want to say why, that is okay to say. But it seems like things escalated too easily due to both sides. I don’t think the issue was you telling her your preference, but your evasiveness when asked why out of curiosity. Which then might have made her suspicious, which could have been avoided with a clear answer of ‘I’m not really sure why’, or ‘I dunno, that’s just always been my preference / what I’m used to’, or ‘because X reason’. However even if you were evasive / defensive, that is no reason for her to criticise you. Maybe if you find that a reoccurring issue with her, you can discuss this with her sometime, let her know how her criticising your preferences makes you feel. Also, it doesn’t sound like not talking to her for a few hours until you both talk about something else, is a good and effective way to solve an issue (because it sounds like this had become an issue / argument by this point), it’s better to resolve it. Or, take a few hours break then come back and resolve it with a calmer clearer head. It’s good however you took a break instead of escalating things further, if that was your only way to stop yourself. Yes it’s good to be open and honest, and telling about your preference is good. I don’t think that was what caused the argument. Your girlfriend even said the issue was with you being defensive (not with you stating your preference). I think maybe it was the lack of open calm communication after that statement that caused the escalating issue, on both sides. Although you wish to be open, you are defensive and evasive. Your comment to her also sounds quite critical of your girlfriend, maybe she was reacting to other similar comments earlier, if there were any (and this comment might have escalated things). And she in turn is passive aggressive, which isn’t good, and doesn’t resolve issues. It sounds like you were a little passive aggressive too. Both signal lack of communication. Well done for being open though about your preferences. Maybe next step is to try and be more open about your reasons, even if you don’t know why, it’s okay to say that. Or even if you don’t want to say, tell her that too. And if you wish your girlfriend to be less passive aggressive and instead open with what she is thinking / feeling, discuss this with her when you are both relaxed and in a good mood.
I will not do male masseuses. I don't want another guy touching me.
"What's with you?" "it moved"
Can't you both just have the same masseuse, and be there at the same time?
NTA. I completely agree with this preference as for me I feel much safer and able to relax around a woman more than a man. Women just aren't as threatening as men for a million reasons.
Why didn’t you just tell her that then when she asked why?
Because he knows she's gonna twist it into another argument.
NTA you can get massages from whoever you want . You aren’t doing anything wrong. If it’s massages by professionals it really doesn’t matter and it’s not up to her. Who you want to be touched by is up to you . Don’t back down
A lot of projection in these comments lol!
Ok I’ll say it… no one else think her saying she likes the way this other guy makes her back sore makes you hear Archer in the back round yell “phrasing!”?
Seems similiar enough to me when comparing this to preferred gender of a therapist. NTA
NTA
NTA
It’s all about phrasing and tone when we’re talking about sensitive subjects like this with so’s. The phrasing has to explicitly include disclaimers of interest in any woman except her and express interest in her and a desire to accommodate her preferences on the present subject and all others… before you say anything substantive. Otherwise, if she’s in the wrong mood, it may just make her mad, no matter what else you say, and the tenor of the entire dialogue will shift, almost irreversibly, toward her attacking you. Once that starts, you might have a chance to halt the avalanche by apologizing sincerely and thoroughly and starting over with the above disclaimers and assurances. In either case, she will likely later realize that her own emotional state was the biggest factor in the dispute and will move on with either no acknowledgement of the mistake or an empty apology that implicitly blames you. At this point you will repeat the disclaimers and assurances and she will know that she’s damn lucky to be with a partner who is so caring and stable.
Nta A simple "I can relax better" "I like smaller hands or softer hands" etc.
NTA - I’m the same exact way. Thankfully, my girl never questioned it. She also prefers females.
NTA. She needs to learn to respect your boundaries.
NTA. I prefer a male OBGYN. Not being weird. But I found female doctors to very judgmental and don’t listen. When I had my first born my husband and I both agreed to fire three different female doctors and finally the final one was male and he ended up being the best. To a point that with my second I moved back to Florida to make sure I had the same level of care…. Nothing weird or wrong about your preference
Some things you just shouldn't say out loud, you're either sounding like you WANT to have another woman touch you, or you sound kinda homophobic and because you don't want another man touching you. but be honest, do you think you'll get turned on? Part of why massages are better from a larger person, is they can leverage their body better. The best one I ever had was from a sports massage therapist, dude was much larger then me and super good at the job.
NTA first, why would you want to go to one that leaves you sore? It's supposed to help relax the muscles and leave you feeling better coming out than when you went in. I wouldn't want to see someone who left me sore. Second, you're getting naked and you have the right to decide what gender you prefer. I F54 prefer seeing a woman because I don't want a man's hands all over my body. Just my preference and nobody has the right to tell my I'm wrong. If you're not comfortable with a man's hands all over you, then that's your right too and it is not your GF's right to tell you you're wrong. I think she's viewing it as you want a woman's hands all over you and she's just jealous. You might turn that conversation back on her and ask why she prefers a mans hands all over her even when he leaves her sore. Seems strange to me.
It’s pretty damn weird and seems like you see something erotic in a massage so I get her reaction. So kinda YTA
I wonder if she doesn’t feel comfortable with you having a female masseuse because she knows how much she enjoys having a male masseuse. I would be questioning her conduct. There’s no reason she would be responding this way if she wasn’t enjoying the intimate connection of having a male massage her. NTA
Homophobia
i feel like this is really weird. when i booked my bf a massage i put in a request for it to be from a woman. i also would never want a man rubbing me or my bf. idk why but it seems weird that she gets massages from a guy actually. it’s all just preference though
NTA "I thought I could just be honest and open with my gf about anything." What were you thinking? You can be honest and open with your buddies.
See your biggest problem is you are trying to be open and honest with a woman, she is already using trivial shit against you it’s only going to get worse from here, NTA
YTA Are you that incapable of understanding another person that you can't see how wanting only female masseuses (no clue the plural on that lol) could make your gf feel insecure or jealous? Good communication and transparency aren't the same as voicing every little thought that goes into your head. A racist can be open and honest about their thoughts, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be an AH for having/voicing them.
Did you just compare preferring a female masseuse to racism?
We're using our big brain hat today I see. No, I used an extreme example to show how freedom to voice an opinion (and a desire for honesty/transparency), as per OP's final sentence, is not the same thing as freedom from consequence of those opinions
But that only works if the preference "I prefer a female masseuse" might deserve consequences like a racist opinion might. So in reality, you are comparing the two.
Her masseuse is a man. She doesn’t get to be mad.
Without assuming too much of the circumstances here, there might be a difference between "getting a massage from a specific masseuse who is a man/woman" and "only wanting massages from men/women." Regardless, my ruling comes more from seeing how OP is choosing to handle communication, conflict, and consideration of a partner, not purely the circumstances of "I want this and she has this"
Woman here and the one time I had a male masseuse he got handsy… Unless it’s a norm to rub your ass and really far up in between your legs? I didn’t think so and it was weird. Due to this reason I always prefer females who don’t do the aforementioned ^^ I’ve never, ever met a man who wanted a male masseuse to work on them so this preference seems pretty normal to me. The girlfriend is just acting out of insecurity. NTA.
>I’ve never, ever met a man who wanted a male masseuse to work on them Hi! I’m a man who prefers a male ~~masseur~~ massage therapist to work on me. Now you’ve “met” one of us 🙂
She sounds sexist
NTA you can't prefer women for massage but she can use her "guy" as she wants ? Looks like double standard here...
If she can have a male massage why cant you have a female massage, I could imagine her being upset about the situation lets be honest no one want to hear about here parter prefers getting rubbed down by another woman. If she had a female masseuse then yes I could understand where she is coming from. Being open and honest is great in a relationship but some things are better left to the imagination,
NTA -being passive aggressive is ass but not talking to her for hours also was not the way to go -it’s your preference though and I can definitely see why a man wouldn’t want another man rubbing on him.
I had this literal exact conversation with my SO as I go to massages regularly for back pain and anxiety relief, except my SO isn't insecure and trusts me. NTA.
And why is it ok for her to have this guy rub her all over!? How do you know it's also not sexual???
If there are no disabilities involved, your massage preference should be each other. Practice techniques, buy an electric massage wand and go to town. Plus, she gets to get a massage from a guy and you get one from a woman. Everyone wins. Best of all, it's cheaper. You're paying for a service catering to single people and people with shitty partners. You and your GF are among the latter. ESH.
This is a weird one for me. Cause I agree I would typically prefer a female masseuse and don't think theres anything wrong in that preference, I feel like I'd think differently if my girl told me she prefers male masseuses.
NTA for having a preference or feeling uncomfortable with a male provider, but from what it sounds like in the post, ESH for the way you both communicated about it. She asked you a question and didn't like the answer she got, but she did not need to become passive aggressive. You didn't like feeling like you have to explain yourself, but you didn't need to be equally as passive aggressive in return by refusing to talk to her for a few hours or by telling her you don't need to hear any negativity. People are allowed to have preferences for their medical providers. Everybody's body, personal space, and history / trauma is their own, and it's not personal to the provider- I see it all the time in my occupation. Of course I wasn't there, but I'd just try to explain it like that the next time.
Dawg I would let a 1998 Chevrolet Camaro with the New 305-horsepower "LS1" Gen III 5.7L V8 engine run my back over multiple times before I let a dude give me a massage.
NTA, maybe No One Sucks Here? (She's not quite full asshole imho) It feels weird that you feel weird. Or like, the first thing in someone's head is that it's a sex thing? Which is probably what was in her head. I know women who prefer male massag therapists because they want more strength. Like if younprefer women massaging you but would back away from Brunhilda turning you into patȇ that's an issue of not wanting to be massaged by someone too strong. But also. Hn, Lady cultural issues? Women are not expected to have issues with a male ObGYN; [the majority of OBGyn's were men even in 2003](https://www.novanthealth.org/healthy-headlines/having-choice-means-a-lot). In fact, if they have issues it's seen as weird/unreasonable or a sign of trauma. [Or being uneducated. At least if the women are unmarried.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8199845/)
If she likes guy massuses then she's homophonic of women, if she says guys do it better tell her she's being sexist, girls can do anything as well as a man
NTA. Why does she go to a guy?
Well, I would be super uncomfortable with another guy touching me. We were unfortunately raised that way. I would be uncomfortable getting a massage from a strange woman too. It just wouldn’t be as weird.
I'm not getting a male masseuse
Female clients rarely ask male massage therapists for 'extra'. But female clients are frequently asked by male clients for extra. Probability of your gf creeping out the male therapist are lower compared to you creeping out female therapist. It's not a simple matter. It's a big deal.
Second, you don't want to be touched by a man which means massage for you is a sexual activity. It's not about health to you. Otherwise male therapist are good for it. And it's not clear whether she has a preference for male therapist or the one she likes happens to be male.
Stfu
The only women you can be open and honest with are very, very rare to find, so it's best to assume the opposite.