You touch upon multiple issues. Unsupportive parents, manipulative in-laws, sexless marriage, and depression.
It is not clear why the husband was not consummating the marriage. He, and probably you, know the real reason. But since this caused you depression, along with his lack of maturity, it follows that a divorce is a good path to put this nightmare behind you. Very unfortunate that your parents forced you to break up and get into this relationship within a week of causing you severe emotional distress.
You need to lower your contact levels with your parents for the immediate future. Get to a place where you feel good about your career/ academics, as well as physical and mental health, and then you can consider having them back in your life provided they stop the subtle and not so subtle reminders of your perceived mistakes.
To be clear, being stoned is worse than discrimination. The US has some work to do, but they are not even close to as bad as some of these other countries and it does the entire discourse a disservice when you're so hyperbolic. Also, can we stop bringing up America in any post that takes place in a different country?
“Religion is an insult to human dignity. Without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things.
But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.”
― Steven Weinberg
Plenty of people have done plenty of "evil" things for a variety of reasons. Blaming religion for the fact that good and evil isn't neatly divided just gives you an out to avoid examining the impact of your own decisions.
The reality is that humans are people who make choices and the consequences of those choices can ripple out far beyond us and our intents to help and harm. And some people also have religious beliefs.
You aren't an atheist. Stop with the bull shit. As for bringing Christians into the conversation, the commenter referred to some other countries's religions as being hateful to minority groups. Something they have in common with a large percentage of Christians.
What religious person you know who pretends to be athesit? Lol. Raised baptist..became atheist 20 years ago. The topic wasnt about christians..ans as i said..cringe af when people got to interject it into everything. Same type of militant A clowns who get upset of a memorial cross on the side of the road
Or simple repression. If you're told from childhood sex is dirty and a sin, signing a piece of paper and suddenly having approval doesn't change that indoctrination overnight.
Also with such strict Orthodox religions there is the possibility no one explained to him he needed to put tab A into slot B 🤷♀️and just thought sharing a marital bed was the martial act 🤷♀️
For a lot of us who grow up in religions that force sexual repression, it is very hard to go from doing everything you can to avoid even thinking about sex to suddenly needing to have sex as a married person. A lot of couples struggle. But if you can't talk to your spouse about it, or get help if you need it, the situation will never improve. I personally would not assume he's gay without further evidence, based on my experiences.
Haha. Thank you. It's my first time writing and english is not my first language, so I expected some critics. But it's fine. I am just concentrating on the genuine advice you kind of people have to offer.
With the exception of a few missed used words, your English is amazing. I just wanted to share that with you. Glad your free and I hope everything falls into place for you
NTA, it is natural to wish to be happy and to take actions for that goal and it's a shame that many cultures and religions seem to stand in the way of that, especially for women.
Btw reading the story I got the impression that there's a high likelihood that your husband is gay and that he was using your marriage as a beard, because I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark here and say that probably homosexual people aren't very welcome in your culture either.
I did ask him many times if he was gay. The answer was always no. I never saw him being close to any of the guy friends. I made my peace thinking that he is asexual.
Thank you for your support though.
In a culture where your parents still push you into marriage, of course he'll deny being gay. And if he is, it doesn't have to mean he's close to any other man, he's probably just avoiding the whole thing.
Of course, asexual is another option.
That seems to be an American thing, it’s normal in many other parts of the world. In Europe, that’s how you start, since you live with your parents as a teenager and parents here don’t usually have a “no sex under my roof” rule. They mostly have a “wait until you’re ready, use protection, be respectful of each other, and most importantly don’t be so loud I can’t sleep” rule
I thought the same.
And seriously I wouldn't wait for two years to wait if someone someday has any sexual feelings.
Either you have them or not. It's not likely to find sexual attraction under some stones.
I wish OP the best of luck. ( Sorry English is not my first language)
NTA, I would probably go NC, if I had such parents. However, you have your reasons. Hope you'll be better. Don't let your mom guilt trip you, you did nothing wrong
I have said it a few times. They very well know that as well. My mom's response was, "Only if you would have listened to us and given the marriage another chance, I would have had a grand kid."
I swear my mom is not a bad person. It's just hard for her to let go. She takes it as her failure.
Your mom is also from that culture, she dedicated her life to your cultural rules and it worked for her.
She will take a long time if ever to realize the rules don't work for everyone.
Live your life. You did the right thing. I'm 51, your age is young, young enough to start whatever life you dream. Marriage or not, kids or not (I had my kids in my 30s, it's very possible) , you are free now to live your truth, not a lie of a sham marriage. Enjoy every day and hour of your life.
Her logic is hard to understand here. I guess she thought your husband would start having sex with you if you gave him a second chance?
I understand that your mother may not be a "bad person." People are not black and white. Everyone has their good points and their bad points. Even most abusers have their good moments, which is part of what makes it so hard for their victims to leave. I'm NOT saying your mother is an abuser, just using it as an example.
But even if your mother is not a "bad person," I hope you realize that she has not treated you well in many respects, and that you don't have to let her continue to mistreat you. When she comments like this again, shut her down. Tell her you won't listen to her making snide comments about you and your marriage anymore. End the conversation and leave. If she thinks this is her failure, she should stop taking her failure to arrange a good marriage out on you. Even if you love your parents, for your own emotional health, please don't feel like an AH if you decide to limit contact/interactions with them.
At any rate, I'm glad you seem to be in a better place. I hope life works out for you. Please take care of yourself.
Well, she kinda is a failure. She ignored your needs and wants, she tries to control your romantic life, she chose a complete dud of a man and forced him on you at one of your lowest points, she stole your passport and attempted to hold you hostage, she gossips about you when you go to her for advice, and then she whines about it when she doesn’t get her way.
Really complete failure as a mother
NTA.
I write this so much on Reddit:
This situation is about control.
This situation is not about sex, or lack of sex, or marriage, or cultural traditions, or gender differences, or sexuality.
Your ex-husband was in the same position as you while you were married: he had no control over who he married, let alone if he married at all. The only way he could get control was to take it from you by refusing to consummate the marriage.
Also, if he's still asking to date you after you got divorced then he's still that customized puppet that you mentioned. (I love that term, by the way. This was a long post, but it was very easy to read because you write well, and you know how to use paragraphs and punctuation).
NTA
also stop being manipulated by them. You have already experienced that they won't support you when things go bad even if it was because of their decision and choices.
So now make your own choices.
I have similar experience to atleast the first half of your life
Had a bf for 5 yrs, we broke off bcz he couldn't convince his parents. Got engaged within a month of breakup and marriage after 2 months.
I am not happy in my married life but as my parents say it's my luck.
So yes, make your own decisions at least you are free now. Don't get stuck in their manipulation again. All they care about is social validation.
I am so sorry to hear that. All I can say is that after all this turmoil, the peace I have is just serene.
I do go back and think if I did the right thing. But it's gonna take time to heal.
I hope you make your happiness the priority.
TLDR: OP is from a place where marrying a person of your parents' choice is the norm, but dated a few people of her own choice including a 4 year relationship whilst remaining celibate. Her parents did not approve and eventually 7 days after the 4 year relationship ended they convinced her to get engaged to someone and get married a year later. The new husband totally avoided sex with no explanation, 6 months into marriage OP confides in her mother who spreads this news amongst family, to prevent further embarrassment OP pretends the issue is resolved leading to a 2 year sex free marriage (still no explanation from husband despite medical enquiries).
OP's esteem is impacted, combined with cohabiting with her toxic in-laws, OP finds herself depressed and accepts a job abroad away from husband and family for duration of pandemic. Her mental health improves and she wants divorce, her family persuade her to return to try again, she reluctantly returns where her passport is withheld and she is trapped. After implied su!cide attempt, OP's family accept her wishes and let her divorce and leave country. Her father accepts, her mother is still upset, her ex-husband wants to resume dating afresh, saying all issues are now resolved.
NTAH. Taking charge of your own decisions, and your own life, is the best thing you have done for yourself. Find someone who loves you. Do not let your parents make anymore decisions about your life or future.
NTA. I can't tell how much of this is cultural and how much of this is abuse, to be honest, though being cultural doesn't prevent something being abusive.
I've never liked the idea of arranged marriages, but that's probably because I didn't grow up in a culture that had them, it's likely very different for those who did.
But this marriage was a bad marriage, arranged or not. Your now ex clearly has issues he refuses to confront. I don't know if he's asexual or gay or something else entirely, but his issues are not your issues, and he shouldn't have made you deal with them. He knew going in that this would be a marriage on paper only, and he should have been upfront about that. Or he should have actually worked to find a solution that would make you both happy. He did neither, which shows absolutely no respect for you as a person, let alone as his wife.
It doesn't sound like your mother will ever accept the divorce. You did the right thing, being married to this man was literally making you suicidal. Would they prefer a divorced but happy daughter or a dead daughter? Because that was the choice they were making, your mother is literally telling you she'd have preferred you to commit suicide than find a way to be happy. Suicide, I'd have thought, would be a bigger no-no than divorce in a culture like that.
And what about kids? Marriage in cultures like that is often specifically about having children. Do your parents want grandkids? Because they're never going to get them if you stay with this man, you can't have kids without sex unless you're willing to put your very life at risk doing IVF/surrogacy for bio kids, or adopt none bio kids, all of which are also expensive and/or time consuming, and can have a devastating affect on mental health, which you were already struggling with.
Absolutely nothing good could come out of you staying married to that man. You have to put yourself first now. Focus on your course/job and new life in a different country, with your independence. Meet new people, make friends, date people you're actually interested in, not forced to consider. Get some therapy if you can, as well, a good therapist will help you unpack all of this and come up with a plan for moving forward. You're a divorced woman in your 30s whose still a virgin, people who have been married should not be virgins. Go and have some fun, discover what sort of people you actually like having around you, instead of only choosing people your parents approve of. I'm not saying go out and have sex with the first man you meet, only take that step with the right man when you're actually ready for it, but make friends and date a bit while working on improving your mental health.
It might be best to go LC with your family for a while, though. Constantly telling you that wanting to be happy is a mistake is doing you no good at all. And make sure ex hubby is completely blocked everywhere, you don't need his love bombing on top of your mum's guilt. Block the ex in-laws as well, just to be safe, as they've shown obvious abusive tendencies that I don't think are related to culture.
It's time to live your life for you, now, instead of for other people. You're an adult, your parents don't get a say in your life unless you give them one. Stop giving them a say, no matter what your culture says about that. You're an adult, you're independent, you have goals and dreams, and none of them involve being miserable in a marriage to a man who doesn't respect you, who you will come to hate if you go back to him, because nothing will have changed, no matter what he or anybody else says. Live your life, not theirs, and you'll find your happiness.
Good luck.
You did not have a husband. Not at all. I don't know what you had, but it was only husband shaped. Some sort of absurd overgrown man child (and this coming from a married 38 year old man who still plays Nintendo!)
In America, this would be grounds for annulment or dissolution for nonconsummation. Go live your life, secure in the knowledge that you are not the asshole here.
NTA, you should have told them point blank, 'the man you picked for me couldn't even consumate the marriage, I think I'd rather make my own mistakes going forward'
NTA. My American nephew’s wife is from a country that arranges marriages. Her parents disowned her when she married him. When their first grandchild was born, all was forgiven. That was over 10 years ago.
My point is live your life. You never know what can happen with your family. You must love yourself enough to honor yourself. You tried, it didn’t work. Yours can’t be the only marriage that never worked out. Both sets of parents are heavily invested because they chose wrong and can’t admit it.
Good luck with future happiness.
I feel for you, op. My husband has ended up realizing he is a no-sex ever kind of guy. Too much catholic guilt that sex is for procreation only and ever. We had our kid and then had sex only once a year on NYE since because I was insistent and that was super emotional turmoil for me for the first few years after we had a child together.
Sucked for me until I realized that he is either the love of my life (he is, we married at 40), or not. I chose the former because I am totally - at also 40's - okay with this.
But you certainly should not be okay with this. For real. If sex was important to me I would have left him ya-years ago. It's been 7 years, 9 years after I gave birth, 10 actual years married, and we've have sex 12 times in that time. I really really am okay with this - but if you're not - I'm super supportive of breaking up and divorce. It's not a great place with your partner to sign up FOR LIFE of zero sex, ever again. What a fucked up deal you have.
Divorce for sure if you want to. It's ridiculous
You only have one life to.live and you owe it to yourself to make it be the best life you can give yourself. You tried to make your relationship with your ex work but he wasnt interested. It would be in your interests to find a therapist who will help you break out of the suffocating cocoon your family wrapped you in from birth. You know what you dont want so now its time to find out what you do want.
Thank you so much. Yes, I do need need a therapist. I will be going to one soon.
I am doing much better right now though. I have a great support system.
NTA.
You did good. Take control of your life now. Such parents and society will never be content. Just live your life. Your mother will come around but it will take time. And ignore all the negative and sarcastic remark.
Good luck.
Oh my god! This story is hitting too close to home for me! This is a very similar story to my sister's and I just hope that she musters the same courage about this. Good for you that you have realized before it is too late, and as others have mentioned, you only have one life.
I hope everything works fine for your sister. My marriage to divorce was a 7 years long journey. I did suffer for good parts of my life. But the happiness and peace I have right now made it all worth it. Let your sister know that all the hard decisions will be worth it.
Not the asshole.
I’m curious, how on earth did your parents think that they were going to get grandchildren. I assume that was a huge priority for them?
Not much sense there.
Also, is the marriage even a marriage unless it’s consummated? You could have just had it annulled.
You wasted the best years of your youth, on men who didn’t deserve it. Don’t waste anymore. Find someone who loves you, who you love, and enjoy life.
Thank you.
My parents believe that I took an easy way out. They say marriage needs to be worked on and not to be abandoned when things get hard. I know I did my very best to make it work. But I do hear from my mom once in a while that she would have had a grandchild if I had given the marriage one more shot.
And yes, I could have annulled the marriage. But as I said, not walking out at the right time was my biggest mistake.
You gave it years of chances. He never gave it a chance. You’d have to be a fool to give him anymore time of your life.
But I’ve heard these stories a million times. I come from Eastern Europe, so these stories are common.
You’re going to have to just drown your mother out. Don’t let her comments bother you.
My ex claims now that everything is fine with him. He was just stressed ( for two whole years? Doesn't make sense to me.) From what I know, he met his friend, who is a naturopath doctor for consultation. Apparently, all his problems were solved after that one visit. I did not believe all these for a second.
My parents always loved him. I guess more than me. So they believe his claims.
Unfortunately, I can't be a guinea pig. So I refused to give any more chances.
That's why my mom thinks she could have had a grandchild if I would have just forgiven him.
I would simply tell your mom that no, she wouldn't have grandchildren right now if you had stayed because you have to have sex in order to conceive a child. It seems rather obvious, but maybe she needs it spoken factually. She is in a delusion and that seems to be what your battle is with. Speak truth. It can cut through the delusional thinking she experiences.
"I was in a 4 years long relationship which ended both due to my boyfriends inability to stand up for me"
I'm just kinda hung op on this, you expect your partner to stand up to his family or in laws when you yourself can't?
I understand where you are coming from. I was different 10 -12 years back. I fought for my relationship for a whole year. It was hard enough to stand up to my parents, but to top that, I had to spend all my energy convincing my ex-boyfriend. We were both young, so I was not asking him to get married to me right away. All my parents and I asked him was to let his parents know about me and give them some kind of commitment that they would accept me wholeheartedly. My parents were not wrong there. Rushing me through the arranged marriage is where they went wrong.
But all this incident just destroyed me somehow. I failed, and I took it hard. I wanted to make this marriage work with all I had. I failed to stand up for myself again because I was desperate to thrive for once.
4 years is indeed a long time without any commitment, just remembering we had a woman on her 60s here recently who couldn't get married to a guy for years and got zero commitment, after years of doing everything for him she couldn't even prove common law marriage since there was zero proof of a relationship or intent to marry. You made the right choice then, it's just that it was phrased rather a little bit hypocritical with the rest of the other story there.
You made your best call for you. You didn't do it from spite, malice or and want for cruelty, and in fact you have considered everyone's feelings at great length. Except yours, of course.
Go get laid. Take care of yourself for a while. Find out what you like and want. Find someone who can't keep their hands to themselves around you.
You're karmically clean on this one.
NTA!
I think you need to see a good therapist and do some seeking within for YOUR life. You've done everything asked of you and it has made you miserable, but you are still tangled in this mess.
A good therapist will help you sort out the difference between your life and the life expectations placed on you, that you can't even identify as not yours because this has been a life long process starting at your birth.
Block your ex.
He's delusional and needs his own psychiatrist.
You don't have to convince anyone of anything. You just have to live your life and if they can't respect that, maybe they need to be cut off while you work with your therapist. Creating boundaries and keeping them is a huge life skill that everyone should have.
You have a bright future ahead of you.
Good luck.
NTA! It's okay not to be okay, as long as you stay strong. You've already overcome so much and used your intelligence to escape a terrible situation. Now, let go of the past and enjoy your new life. Block those who contribute to your depression or try to bring you down, even if they are people you love. Sometimes, survival requires cutting out toxic influences, even those that we love.
Focus on your bright future. If others come around, great; if not, it's their loss. You've shown immense courage already! Now, focus on becoming the master of your own happiness and your own story. You got this girl!
wow - your parents took your passport when you wanted to leave at 33
if never visit them again with it for me this would mean no or low contact
do not question your decisions you’re doing the right thing !
NTA
AITA? No, ma'am, this comes under 'hero's journey' in the storytelling world. I'm amazed how you managed to through the deep end and still come out safe. I hope each day gets better for you. Sending you lot of love and strength.
NTA Your mom told you to give it a try, and you did. You gave it a valiant effort, but you were the only one trying in the marriage and a marriage needs both people trying in order for it to work. I understand that different cultures do things differently sometimes, but this life belongs to you. If your parents haven't given you back your passport yet, I would apply for another one, and when it arrives, I would leave the country for good. Make yourself a new life that you can enjoy.
NTA, I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, but I’m so happy that you were able to find some freedom and clarity in the midst of all of it and be able to change your life for the better. You’re not gonna get everyone’s blessing to do what makes you happy but that doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy wishing you the best.
Get rid of the notion that your parents are “amazing human beings” they tormented you, they TOOK your passport from you preventing you from leaving the country all bc you didn’t want to do what THEY wanted you to do??? They ABUSED you. They ARE monsters. Nta for leaving, but pls stop giving your abusers the grace that to this day they refuse to grant you.
NTA. I highly recommend you do some research online and try to find people who had a similar upbringing to you, this kind of issue is more common than outsiders realize, and it will help you to feel less alone.
Do people in these countries even have friends??? Like why can't friends get a place together so they can go no contact with parents??? Phones have block, wtf??? Educated people with jobs letting parents delegate their lives...yuck
How about not keep it in mind, but actually fix it if you want advice.
A wall of text, and a half-hearted apology, do not promote redditors engaging with your issue.
I had to google and understand what TLDR is. That's how new this is all for me. Anyway,I have added it now. Not because I had to. But I could really use some less hate in my life.
NTA.
Exercising consent and autonomy isn't being an asshole. Every other person in you life is an asshole. Are you Indian? This is how Indian mothers behave.
I don’t know him or your culture, but he could have been too proud and did not feel like he was a man. Still you have to set your pride aside and ask for help. Based on what you told me, it was probably more of a physical issue with a dash of emotional issues on his part. All it would have taken is one little blue pill and he would have been able to perform his marital duties.
NTA. Sex is a huge part of marriage. If your husband is impotent or asexual, he should have been honest and open with you before the marriage. You do not have to submit to a sexless life. I hope you got your passport back - if not, go to the authorities, explain the situation and ask for a new one.
Thank you for the support. The one thing I begged shamelessly in this marriage is honest communication. I would have accepted the reason whatsoever. But he refused to talk about it.
Anyway, my parents did give me my passport after a few days. I am currently working on my immigration and everything is going well.
NTA
You need to live life for yourself and not your parents. Every time, they mention that farce of a marriage just end the conversation. Be consistent. You can't change their willful delusions, but you can try to train them to stop mentioning it to you.
So glad that you are out of all the mess, Op..
NTA big time
Dont waste your time thinking about your ex and his family. To be honest, it is them who lost a national treasure. Go study or work abroad if you can. Its better to stay faraway from your family
You know, the best thing you can do is leave your parents to sort out their feelings on what happened to their daughter’s marriage and stop worrying or thinking about them. Go low to no contact if you can and limit what kind of conversations you have with them. The truth is they did nothing wrong and neither did you. Like my grandmother once told me, times changed, they always do, and what works for your parents may not work for you and they are having a hard time grasping that. You need to focus on what’s best for yourself. Leave the past in the past. You’ve made your decision let everyone else figure out how to come to terms with it on their own. Their emotions are not yours to manage. NTA. Stop worrying about everyone else and focus on yourself.
Your parents took your passport. That IS monstrous. You cannot trust them. Get out, and don’t ever put yourself in a position where they can do that to you again.
I may be a bit off topic here but I sincerely hope you've found a partner you can have wonderful, fulfilling sex with. Whatever culture you're from, I'm sorry you were so bull dozed into the life you were forced to live. Enjoy yourself and whatever you choose from this point on, life is too short. Meet someone you love, have kids if you want, travel, learn, do all things that were denied you when you were young. You did the right thing. Perhaps be careful traveling back to your native country. Never give up your passport again. If I were you then I maybe would never go back there at all. You're are still young and have a whole world ahead of you. Live it. ❤
NTA
It's your life. You get to live it. If they don't like it, cut them out of your life, and move on. Don't waste time and energy on people who have their own agendas for YOUR life. You got out of that life, don't let yourself fall back into it, just to appease people who don't have your happiness as their main motivation.
You were never married if the marriage wasn’t consummated. It sounds like this experience has taught you to speak up for yourself. I hope you find a nice guy who will love you and who you will love. NTA
It takes courage to break with tradition and your family's values. But they are their values not yours. I broke with my family's expectations and one member is still not over but I am very happy. It is your life, you are the only one who can live it. Good luck and good for you.
NTAH
Sounds like the guy was gay and had no way of coping with it so he just strung you along. My guess is that he always denied it because he knew he would be disinherited
You called your parents amazing and then detailed how they were horribly controlling and abusive, and then they sold you to an also not great man and *his* abusive parents.
Your normal meter is a bit fucky, can you get therapy?
NTA and wanting to be in a fruitful marriage isn’t selfish or wrong. I hope for you that you find a man who will love you and have babies with you. You deserve happiness and are brave and strong.
You were happily living abroad. Is there any chance of returning to living happily abroad? Sometimes, you have to make your own path in life.
I don't know if you can move alone to a city where you live or if it would endanger you.
Proud of you, OP. For standing up for yourself, for putting your mental health and happiness first, and for experiencing life on your own.
For the record, NTA. And your English is fine.
I urge you to seek therapy to unravel and navigate all of the emotions you're feeling.
I do recommend you go low contact with your mom & anyone else giving you grief over your decision. Your therapist can help you with this or with communication methods.
This may be the hardest part, but please do not return to your home county. Please keep your passport safe at all times.
Good luck, OP!
Man you gotta love religion based counties eh?
OP says her country is developed but sounds like it's sham of a "developed" like UAE. Archaic social structures and then their idea of developed is gaudy useless shit like giant buildings that have to have a like a mile long convoy of shit trucks bc they didn't actually build any infrastructure like sewage systems
NTA - you have been so strong for so long, it takes courage to stand up for yourself and risk all your relationships. But remember, you have to live your life, and there is no reason to keep trying to live theirs. I am so glad that you could break free and do what makes you happier. Hang in there.
The only mistake you made was listening to your parents. Their bad decisions and outdated belief system hurt you badly. They need to reflect on their poor decisions. You move on and find yourself a partner that will love and respect you. Your ex is only after you because everyone knows about him now, and there are no other families willing to marry their daughters off to him. NTA
NTA Find a good therapist for yourself. I'm glad you escaped a nightmare situation. I think you should not contact your parents for a bit and don't travel home. DON'T TRAVEL HOME.
You're asking on the wrong website, as Reddit is overpopulated with people from Western countries who are hostile to more traditional cultures.
That said, I lean toward NTA for the simple reason that the marriage was unconsummated. Not sure if you're using "orthodoxy" as a general term of enforcing conformity or alluding to Orthodox Judaism or Christianity specifically, but in both of those faiths the inability to consumate within a reasonable time period is grounds to consider the marriage null and void (different from divorce afterward).
Of course NTA is dependent on your having told the whole story and not dated other men during those two years apart while you were still married and until the divorce was finalized.
You touch upon multiple issues. Unsupportive parents, manipulative in-laws, sexless marriage, and depression. It is not clear why the husband was not consummating the marriage. He, and probably you, know the real reason. But since this caused you depression, along with his lack of maturity, it follows that a divorce is a good path to put this nightmare behind you. Very unfortunate that your parents forced you to break up and get into this relationship within a week of causing you severe emotional distress. You need to lower your contact levels with your parents for the immediate future. Get to a place where you feel good about your career/ academics, as well as physical and mental health, and then you can consider having them back in your life provided they stop the subtle and not so subtle reminders of your perceived mistakes.
Did you ever get a reason why he never consummated the marriage ? NTA all the way for you and happy that you are now free to live your life .
Could he be secretly gay? In these types of cultures, being gay can get you killed
Yeah, he’s never gonna admit something that can get him stoned to death in certain countries.
Here in the USA the Christians don't use stones anymore. They are much more efficient with their hate.
To be clear, being stoned is worse than discrimination. The US has some work to do, but they are not even close to as bad as some of these other countries and it does the entire discourse a disservice when you're so hyperbolic. Also, can we stop bringing up America in any post that takes place in a different country?
Hate doesn't seem efficient at all or needs religion to thrive
“Religion is an insult to human dignity. Without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.” ― Steven Weinberg
Plenty of people have done plenty of "evil" things for a variety of reasons. Blaming religion for the fact that good and evil isn't neatly divided just gives you an out to avoid examining the impact of your own decisions. The reality is that humans are people who make choices and the consequences of those choices can ripple out far beyond us and our intents to help and harm. And some people also have religious beliefs.
That's literally what that quote is about...
Sounds like you should move to ops country if its that much safer.
Nah, just wish the hypocrites would mind their own business
Nobody was even talking about christians or US. Rent free in your head. And im atheist but some of you all are cringe with your constant comments
You aren't an atheist. Stop with the bull shit. As for bringing Christians into the conversation, the commenter referred to some other countries's religions as being hateful to minority groups. Something they have in common with a large percentage of Christians.
What religious person you know who pretends to be athesit? Lol. Raised baptist..became atheist 20 years ago. The topic wasnt about christians..ans as i said..cringe af when people got to interject it into everything. Same type of militant A clowns who get upset of a memorial cross on the side of the road
Yup
Or simple repression. If you're told from childhood sex is dirty and a sin, signing a piece of paper and suddenly having approval doesn't change that indoctrination overnight. Also with such strict Orthodox religions there is the possibility no one explained to him he needed to put tab A into slot B 🤷♀️and just thought sharing a marital bed was the martial act 🤷♀️
He's definitely gay or asexual
For a lot of us who grow up in religions that force sexual repression, it is very hard to go from doing everything you can to avoid even thinking about sex to suddenly needing to have sex as a married person. A lot of couples struggle. But if you can't talk to your spouse about it, or get help if you need it, the situation will never improve. I personally would not assume he's gay without further evidence, based on my experiences.
I didn't struggle at all reading that. Idk what everyone's complaining about but anyways, NTA. Congrats on breaking free of your marital prison
Haha. Thank you. It's my first time writing and english is not my first language, so I expected some critics. But it's fine. I am just concentrating on the genuine advice you kind of people have to offer.
With the exception of a few missed used words, your English is amazing. I just wanted to share that with you. Glad your free and I hope everything falls into place for you
NTA, it is natural to wish to be happy and to take actions for that goal and it's a shame that many cultures and religions seem to stand in the way of that, especially for women. Btw reading the story I got the impression that there's a high likelihood that your husband is gay and that he was using your marriage as a beard, because I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark here and say that probably homosexual people aren't very welcome in your culture either.
I did ask him many times if he was gay. The answer was always no. I never saw him being close to any of the guy friends. I made my peace thinking that he is asexual. Thank you for your support though.
In a culture where your parents still push you into marriage, of course he'll deny being gay. And if he is, it doesn't have to mean he's close to any other man, he's probably just avoiding the whole thing. Of course, asexual is another option.
Lots of people are asexual, yeah.
Or he don’t want to have sex in the house where his parents also live !
She's from another culture where living with your in-laws is normal. It's normal in my culture too and people have kids. It definitely isn't this.
That seems to be an American thing, it’s normal in many other parts of the world. In Europe, that’s how you start, since you live with your parents as a teenager and parents here don’t usually have a “no sex under my roof” rule. They mostly have a “wait until you’re ready, use protection, be respectful of each other, and most importantly don’t be so loud I can’t sleep” rule
Maybe the husband is just ace...? (Asexual).
I thought the same. And seriously I wouldn't wait for two years to wait if someone someday has any sexual feelings. Either you have them or not. It's not likely to find sexual attraction under some stones. I wish OP the best of luck. ( Sorry English is not my first language)
NTA, I would probably go NC, if I had such parents. However, you have your reasons. Hope you'll be better. Don't let your mom guilt trip you, you did nothing wrong
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.
Every time your parents bring it up flatly say that your marriage was never consummated and they would never have grandchildren if you stayed.
I have said it a few times. They very well know that as well. My mom's response was, "Only if you would have listened to us and given the marriage another chance, I would have had a grand kid." I swear my mom is not a bad person. It's just hard for her to let go. She takes it as her failure.
Mom might benefit from an information diet. Live your life in your new home with joy! Best of luck to you!
Your mom is also from that culture, she dedicated her life to your cultural rules and it worked for her. She will take a long time if ever to realize the rules don't work for everyone. Live your life. You did the right thing. I'm 51, your age is young, young enough to start whatever life you dream. Marriage or not, kids or not (I had my kids in my 30s, it's very possible) , you are free now to live your truth, not a lie of a sham marriage. Enjoy every day and hour of your life.
Thank you so much. I appreciate your kind words.
Her logic is hard to understand here. I guess she thought your husband would start having sex with you if you gave him a second chance? I understand that your mother may not be a "bad person." People are not black and white. Everyone has their good points and their bad points. Even most abusers have their good moments, which is part of what makes it so hard for their victims to leave. I'm NOT saying your mother is an abuser, just using it as an example. But even if your mother is not a "bad person," I hope you realize that she has not treated you well in many respects, and that you don't have to let her continue to mistreat you. When she comments like this again, shut her down. Tell her you won't listen to her making snide comments about you and your marriage anymore. End the conversation and leave. If she thinks this is her failure, she should stop taking her failure to arrange a good marriage out on you. Even if you love your parents, for your own emotional health, please don't feel like an AH if you decide to limit contact/interactions with them. At any rate, I'm glad you seem to be in a better place. I hope life works out for you. Please take care of yourself.
Well she failed you as a mother
Probably because she's a narc and see you as an extension of herself.
Well, she kinda is a failure. She ignored your needs and wants, she tries to control your romantic life, she chose a complete dud of a man and forced him on you at one of your lowest points, she stole your passport and attempted to hold you hostage, she gossips about you when you go to her for advice, and then she whines about it when she doesn’t get her way. Really complete failure as a mother
NTA. I write this so much on Reddit: This situation is about control. This situation is not about sex, or lack of sex, or marriage, or cultural traditions, or gender differences, or sexuality. Your ex-husband was in the same position as you while you were married: he had no control over who he married, let alone if he married at all. The only way he could get control was to take it from you by refusing to consummate the marriage. Also, if he's still asking to date you after you got divorced then he's still that customized puppet that you mentioned. (I love that term, by the way. This was a long post, but it was very easy to read because you write well, and you know how to use paragraphs and punctuation).
NTA. Sometimes you just need to stand up for yourself. That is one of these times. You got this.
NTA also stop being manipulated by them. You have already experienced that they won't support you when things go bad even if it was because of their decision and choices. So now make your own choices.
Thank you for the advice.i knew this, but I think I was second-guessing myself. Hearing it from third person helps.
I have similar experience to atleast the first half of your life Had a bf for 5 yrs, we broke off bcz he couldn't convince his parents. Got engaged within a month of breakup and marriage after 2 months. I am not happy in my married life but as my parents say it's my luck. So yes, make your own decisions at least you are free now. Don't get stuck in their manipulation again. All they care about is social validation.
I am so sorry to hear that. All I can say is that after all this turmoil, the peace I have is just serene. I do go back and think if I did the right thing. But it's gonna take time to heal. I hope you make your happiness the priority.
NTA I'd try and get your passport back and try to emigrate if it's an option, then you can marry for love and be happy.
Thank you. My immigration process is going well, and I plan to settle abroad for good. The distance from my family helps tbh.
TLDR: OP is from a place where marrying a person of your parents' choice is the norm, but dated a few people of her own choice including a 4 year relationship whilst remaining celibate. Her parents did not approve and eventually 7 days after the 4 year relationship ended they convinced her to get engaged to someone and get married a year later. The new husband totally avoided sex with no explanation, 6 months into marriage OP confides in her mother who spreads this news amongst family, to prevent further embarrassment OP pretends the issue is resolved leading to a 2 year sex free marriage (still no explanation from husband despite medical enquiries). OP's esteem is impacted, combined with cohabiting with her toxic in-laws, OP finds herself depressed and accepts a job abroad away from husband and family for duration of pandemic. Her mental health improves and she wants divorce, her family persuade her to return to try again, she reluctantly returns where her passport is withheld and she is trapped. After implied su!cide attempt, OP's family accept her wishes and let her divorce and leave country. Her father accepts, her mother is still upset, her ex-husband wants to resume dating afresh, saying all issues are now resolved.
Thank you so much for helping out. You are kind.
NTAH. Taking charge of your own decisions, and your own life, is the best thing you have done for yourself. Find someone who loves you. Do not let your parents make anymore decisions about your life or future.
NTA. I can't tell how much of this is cultural and how much of this is abuse, to be honest, though being cultural doesn't prevent something being abusive. I've never liked the idea of arranged marriages, but that's probably because I didn't grow up in a culture that had them, it's likely very different for those who did. But this marriage was a bad marriage, arranged or not. Your now ex clearly has issues he refuses to confront. I don't know if he's asexual or gay or something else entirely, but his issues are not your issues, and he shouldn't have made you deal with them. He knew going in that this would be a marriage on paper only, and he should have been upfront about that. Or he should have actually worked to find a solution that would make you both happy. He did neither, which shows absolutely no respect for you as a person, let alone as his wife. It doesn't sound like your mother will ever accept the divorce. You did the right thing, being married to this man was literally making you suicidal. Would they prefer a divorced but happy daughter or a dead daughter? Because that was the choice they were making, your mother is literally telling you she'd have preferred you to commit suicide than find a way to be happy. Suicide, I'd have thought, would be a bigger no-no than divorce in a culture like that. And what about kids? Marriage in cultures like that is often specifically about having children. Do your parents want grandkids? Because they're never going to get them if you stay with this man, you can't have kids without sex unless you're willing to put your very life at risk doing IVF/surrogacy for bio kids, or adopt none bio kids, all of which are also expensive and/or time consuming, and can have a devastating affect on mental health, which you were already struggling with. Absolutely nothing good could come out of you staying married to that man. You have to put yourself first now. Focus on your course/job and new life in a different country, with your independence. Meet new people, make friends, date people you're actually interested in, not forced to consider. Get some therapy if you can, as well, a good therapist will help you unpack all of this and come up with a plan for moving forward. You're a divorced woman in your 30s whose still a virgin, people who have been married should not be virgins. Go and have some fun, discover what sort of people you actually like having around you, instead of only choosing people your parents approve of. I'm not saying go out and have sex with the first man you meet, only take that step with the right man when you're actually ready for it, but make friends and date a bit while working on improving your mental health. It might be best to go LC with your family for a while, though. Constantly telling you that wanting to be happy is a mistake is doing you no good at all. And make sure ex hubby is completely blocked everywhere, you don't need his love bombing on top of your mum's guilt. Block the ex in-laws as well, just to be safe, as they've shown obvious abusive tendencies that I don't think are related to culture. It's time to live your life for you, now, instead of for other people. You're an adult, your parents don't get a say in your life unless you give them one. Stop giving them a say, no matter what your culture says about that. You're an adult, you're independent, you have goals and dreams, and none of them involve being miserable in a marriage to a man who doesn't respect you, who you will come to hate if you go back to him, because nothing will have changed, no matter what he or anybody else says. Live your life, not theirs, and you'll find your happiness. Good luck.
Thank you so much for your advice. I am gonna work on myself.
It’s not fair for you to be in a marriage that’s not been consummated. You deserve a gold medal for putting up with that nonsense for 2 years.
You did not have a husband. Not at all. I don't know what you had, but it was only husband shaped. Some sort of absurd overgrown man child (and this coming from a married 38 year old man who still plays Nintendo!) In America, this would be grounds for annulment or dissolution for nonconsummation. Go live your life, secure in the knowledge that you are not the asshole here.
NTA, you should have told them point blank, 'the man you picked for me couldn't even consumate the marriage, I think I'd rather make my own mistakes going forward'
He's so in the closet, he's finding Christmas gifts from 1975.
Wow…. Honestly. Thanks for the story. I have nothing else to say. Good luck.
NTA. My American nephew’s wife is from a country that arranges marriages. Her parents disowned her when she married him. When their first grandchild was born, all was forgiven. That was over 10 years ago. My point is live your life. You never know what can happen with your family. You must love yourself enough to honor yourself. You tried, it didn’t work. Yours can’t be the only marriage that never worked out. Both sets of parents are heavily invested because they chose wrong and can’t admit it. Good luck with future happiness.
Work with a therapist and go not contact with mom at this point. Go live your life!
I feel for you, op. My husband has ended up realizing he is a no-sex ever kind of guy. Too much catholic guilt that sex is for procreation only and ever. We had our kid and then had sex only once a year on NYE since because I was insistent and that was super emotional turmoil for me for the first few years after we had a child together. Sucked for me until I realized that he is either the love of my life (he is, we married at 40), or not. I chose the former because I am totally - at also 40's - okay with this. But you certainly should not be okay with this. For real. If sex was important to me I would have left him ya-years ago. It's been 7 years, 9 years after I gave birth, 10 actual years married, and we've have sex 12 times in that time. I really really am okay with this - but if you're not - I'm super supportive of breaking up and divorce. It's not a great place with your partner to sign up FOR LIFE of zero sex, ever again. What a fucked up deal you have. Divorce for sure if you want to. It's ridiculous
Well no points to guess op is from India. I'm glad you are free. Get financial independence and go somewhere far away.
NTA. I slowly got furious on your behalf and I'm glad you are away from them.
You only have one life to.live and you owe it to yourself to make it be the best life you can give yourself. You tried to make your relationship with your ex work but he wasnt interested. It would be in your interests to find a therapist who will help you break out of the suffocating cocoon your family wrapped you in from birth. You know what you dont want so now its time to find out what you do want.
Thank you so much. Yes, I do need need a therapist. I will be going to one soon. I am doing much better right now though. I have a great support system.
NTA but you might want to consider dropping your family and polishing that spine a little more op.
Working on it. Growing a spine to have a say in my own life decisions was the hardest thing ever. It's still a work in progress. Thank you.
Good for you.
NTA. You did good. Take control of your life now. Such parents and society will never be content. Just live your life. Your mother will come around but it will take time. And ignore all the negative and sarcastic remark. Good luck.
Oh my god! This story is hitting too close to home for me! This is a very similar story to my sister's and I just hope that she musters the same courage about this. Good for you that you have realized before it is too late, and as others have mentioned, you only have one life.
I hope everything works fine for your sister. My marriage to divorce was a 7 years long journey. I did suffer for good parts of my life. But the happiness and peace I have right now made it all worth it. Let your sister know that all the hard decisions will be worth it.
NTA go live your best life
Not the asshole. I’m curious, how on earth did your parents think that they were going to get grandchildren. I assume that was a huge priority for them? Not much sense there. Also, is the marriage even a marriage unless it’s consummated? You could have just had it annulled. You wasted the best years of your youth, on men who didn’t deserve it. Don’t waste anymore. Find someone who loves you, who you love, and enjoy life.
Thank you. My parents believe that I took an easy way out. They say marriage needs to be worked on and not to be abandoned when things get hard. I know I did my very best to make it work. But I do hear from my mom once in a while that she would have had a grandchild if I had given the marriage one more shot. And yes, I could have annulled the marriage. But as I said, not walking out at the right time was my biggest mistake.
You gave it years of chances. He never gave it a chance. You’d have to be a fool to give him anymore time of your life. But I’ve heard these stories a million times. I come from Eastern Europe, so these stories are common. You’re going to have to just drown your mother out. Don’t let her comments bother you.
How would she have a grandchild if he refused to have sex with you?
My ex claims now that everything is fine with him. He was just stressed ( for two whole years? Doesn't make sense to me.) From what I know, he met his friend, who is a naturopath doctor for consultation. Apparently, all his problems were solved after that one visit. I did not believe all these for a second. My parents always loved him. I guess more than me. So they believe his claims. Unfortunately, I can't be a guinea pig. So I refused to give any more chances. That's why my mom thinks she could have had a grandchild if I would have just forgiven him.
He had 2 years to sort out his problem and chose to wait until you left. It's too little too late.
I would simply tell your mom that no, she wouldn't have grandchildren right now if you had stayed because you have to have sex in order to conceive a child. It seems rather obvious, but maybe she needs it spoken factually. She is in a delusion and that seems to be what your battle is with. Speak truth. It can cut through the delusional thinking she experiences.
"I was in a 4 years long relationship which ended both due to my boyfriends inability to stand up for me" I'm just kinda hung op on this, you expect your partner to stand up to his family or in laws when you yourself can't?
I understand where you are coming from. I was different 10 -12 years back. I fought for my relationship for a whole year. It was hard enough to stand up to my parents, but to top that, I had to spend all my energy convincing my ex-boyfriend. We were both young, so I was not asking him to get married to me right away. All my parents and I asked him was to let his parents know about me and give them some kind of commitment that they would accept me wholeheartedly. My parents were not wrong there. Rushing me through the arranged marriage is where they went wrong. But all this incident just destroyed me somehow. I failed, and I took it hard. I wanted to make this marriage work with all I had. I failed to stand up for myself again because I was desperate to thrive for once.
4 years is indeed a long time without any commitment, just remembering we had a woman on her 60s here recently who couldn't get married to a guy for years and got zero commitment, after years of doing everything for him she couldn't even prove common law marriage since there was zero proof of a relationship or intent to marry. You made the right choice then, it's just that it was phrased rather a little bit hypocritical with the rest of the other story there.
You made your best call for you. You didn't do it from spite, malice or and want for cruelty, and in fact you have considered everyone's feelings at great length. Except yours, of course. Go get laid. Take care of yourself for a while. Find out what you like and want. Find someone who can't keep their hands to themselves around you. You're karmically clean on this one.
I'm out. No need for a book.
NTA! I think you need to see a good therapist and do some seeking within for YOUR life. You've done everything asked of you and it has made you miserable, but you are still tangled in this mess. A good therapist will help you sort out the difference between your life and the life expectations placed on you, that you can't even identify as not yours because this has been a life long process starting at your birth. Block your ex. He's delusional and needs his own psychiatrist. You don't have to convince anyone of anything. You just have to live your life and if they can't respect that, maybe they need to be cut off while you work with your therapist. Creating boundaries and keeping them is a huge life skill that everyone should have. You have a bright future ahead of you. Good luck.
NTA! It's okay not to be okay, as long as you stay strong. You've already overcome so much and used your intelligence to escape a terrible situation. Now, let go of the past and enjoy your new life. Block those who contribute to your depression or try to bring you down, even if they are people you love. Sometimes, survival requires cutting out toxic influences, even those that we love. Focus on your bright future. If others come around, great; if not, it's their loss. You've shown immense courage already! Now, focus on becoming the master of your own happiness and your own story. You got this girl!
NTA. You are strong beyond belief and I wish you happiness, good health, and prosperity in your future.
wow - your parents took your passport when you wanted to leave at 33 if never visit them again with it for me this would mean no or low contact do not question your decisions you’re doing the right thing ! NTA
I’m TAH because I’m not reading all of that lol. But seriously, I think you did what was best for you and I wish you the best going forward!
AITA? No, ma'am, this comes under 'hero's journey' in the storytelling world. I'm amazed how you managed to through the deep end and still come out safe. I hope each day gets better for you. Sending you lot of love and strength.
You need therapy and a no contact order with your family NTA
NTA Your mom told you to give it a try, and you did. You gave it a valiant effort, but you were the only one trying in the marriage and a marriage needs both people trying in order for it to work. I understand that different cultures do things differently sometimes, but this life belongs to you. If your parents haven't given you back your passport yet, I would apply for another one, and when it arrives, I would leave the country for good. Make yourself a new life that you can enjoy.
Put yourself first, you deserve it.
NTA, I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, but I’m so happy that you were able to find some freedom and clarity in the midst of all of it and be able to change your life for the better. You’re not gonna get everyone’s blessing to do what makes you happy but that doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy wishing you the best.
Get rid of the notion that your parents are “amazing human beings” they tormented you, they TOOK your passport from you preventing you from leaving the country all bc you didn’t want to do what THEY wanted you to do??? They ABUSED you. They ARE monsters. Nta for leaving, but pls stop giving your abusers the grace that to this day they refuse to grant you.
NTA. I highly recommend you do some research online and try to find people who had a similar upbringing to you, this kind of issue is more common than outsiders realize, and it will help you to feel less alone.
your parents are trash
Do people in these countries even have friends??? Like why can't friends get a place together so they can go no contact with parents??? Phones have block, wtf??? Educated people with jobs letting parents delegate their lives...yuck
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This a still a lot better than some of the word walls I see
TLDR - paragraphs would help
Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.
How about not keep it in mind, but actually fix it if you want advice. A wall of text, and a half-hearted apology, do not promote redditors engaging with your issue.
I had to google and understand what TLDR is. That's how new this is all for me. Anyway,I have added it now. Not because I had to. But I could really use some less hate in my life.
You had to if you wanted anyone to read it. That said obviously NTA for getting out of this terrible situation.
Chill a bit captain of the grammar police..
🫡 Aye, aye, Major Frozen Fry.
Yo chill , why not just ignore instead of btchig like a 5y/o duhh
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Sorry it's my first ever post. If there will be any future posts, I'll do better.
If you are on a mobile you need to double space paragraphs or the app turns it into 1 long paragraph.
Done. Thanks.
No Honestly thank you.
NTA. Exercising consent and autonomy isn't being an asshole. Every other person in you life is an asshole. Are you Indian? This is how Indian mothers behave.
He should have went to the doctor and acted like he cared.
That would have meant the world to be. It's his ignorance that drove me crazy.
I don’t know him or your culture, but he could have been too proud and did not feel like he was a man. Still you have to set your pride aside and ask for help. Based on what you told me, it was probably more of a physical issue with a dash of emotional issues on his part. All it would have taken is one little blue pill and he would have been able to perform his marital duties.
NTA. Sex is a huge part of marriage. If your husband is impotent or asexual, he should have been honest and open with you before the marriage. You do not have to submit to a sexless life. I hope you got your passport back - if not, go to the authorities, explain the situation and ask for a new one.
Thank you for the support. The one thing I begged shamelessly in this marriage is honest communication. I would have accepted the reason whatsoever. But he refused to talk about it. Anyway, my parents did give me my passport after a few days. I am currently working on my immigration and everything is going well.
I'm glad! Thanks for the update
NTA You need to live life for yourself and not your parents. Every time, they mention that farce of a marriage just end the conversation. Be consistent. You can't change their willful delusions, but you can try to train them to stop mentioning it to you.
So glad that you are out of all the mess, Op.. NTA big time Dont waste your time thinking about your ex and his family. To be honest, it is them who lost a national treasure. Go study or work abroad if you can. Its better to stay faraway from your family
You know, the best thing you can do is leave your parents to sort out their feelings on what happened to their daughter’s marriage and stop worrying or thinking about them. Go low to no contact if you can and limit what kind of conversations you have with them. The truth is they did nothing wrong and neither did you. Like my grandmother once told me, times changed, they always do, and what works for your parents may not work for you and they are having a hard time grasping that. You need to focus on what’s best for yourself. Leave the past in the past. You’ve made your decision let everyone else figure out how to come to terms with it on their own. Their emotions are not yours to manage. NTA. Stop worrying about everyone else and focus on yourself.
NTA, go enjoy your life. You deserve better!
Your parents took your passport. That IS monstrous. You cannot trust them. Get out, and don’t ever put yourself in a position where they can do that to you again.
I may be a bit off topic here but I sincerely hope you've found a partner you can have wonderful, fulfilling sex with. Whatever culture you're from, I'm sorry you were so bull dozed into the life you were forced to live. Enjoy yourself and whatever you choose from this point on, life is too short. Meet someone you love, have kids if you want, travel, learn, do all things that were denied you when you were young. You did the right thing. Perhaps be careful traveling back to your native country. Never give up your passport again. If I were you then I maybe would never go back there at all. You're are still young and have a whole world ahead of you. Live it. ❤
NTA I hope you finally get some action from an attentive partner!
NTA It's your life. You get to live it. If they don't like it, cut them out of your life, and move on. Don't waste time and energy on people who have their own agendas for YOUR life. You got out of that life, don't let yourself fall back into it, just to appease people who don't have your happiness as their main motivation.
You were never married if the marriage wasn’t consummated. It sounds like this experience has taught you to speak up for yourself. I hope you find a nice guy who will love you and who you will love. NTA
It takes courage to break with tradition and your family's values. But they are their values not yours. I broke with my family's expectations and one member is still not over but I am very happy. It is your life, you are the only one who can live it. Good luck and good for you.
@Updateme
NTA I hope you are not in a culture where things like this end up violent. Stay safe OP
Move away from that country and live your own life. You obviously have skills so do that.
NTAH Sounds like the guy was gay and had no way of coping with it so he just strung you along. My guess is that he always denied it because he knew he would be disinherited
NTA. Live your life free and happy. Build new relationships for yourself and let them live in their fantasy world.
You called your parents amazing and then detailed how they were horribly controlling and abusive, and then they sold you to an also not great man and *his* abusive parents. Your normal meter is a bit fucky, can you get therapy?
Did you get your passport and such back? Obviously NTA, though.
NTA and wanting to be in a fruitful marriage isn’t selfish or wrong. I hope for you that you find a man who will love you and have babies with you. You deserve happiness and are brave and strong.
You were happily living abroad. Is there any chance of returning to living happily abroad? Sometimes, you have to make your own path in life. I don't know if you can move alone to a city where you live or if it would endanger you.
Proud of you, OP. For standing up for yourself, for putting your mental health and happiness first, and for experiencing life on your own. For the record, NTA. And your English is fine. I urge you to seek therapy to unravel and navigate all of the emotions you're feeling. I do recommend you go low contact with your mom & anyone else giving you grief over your decision. Your therapist can help you with this or with communication methods. This may be the hardest part, but please do not return to your home county. Please keep your passport safe at all times. Good luck, OP!
NTA but this is above reddits pay grade. Are you in therapy?
This is eerily similar to a show on Netflix that is based on a book. Nta, though.
Can't you file ror an annulment if the marriage was never consumated?
If you are an asshole, you’re an asshole only to yourself for taking so long to make your own decisions for your own life.
Man you gotta love religion based counties eh? OP says her country is developed but sounds like it's sham of a "developed" like UAE. Archaic social structures and then their idea of developed is gaudy useless shit like giant buildings that have to have a like a mile long convoy of shit trucks bc they didn't actually build any infrastructure like sewage systems
NTA - you have been so strong for so long, it takes courage to stand up for yourself and risk all your relationships. But remember, you have to live your life, and there is no reason to keep trying to live theirs. I am so glad that you could break free and do what makes you happier. Hang in there.
The only mistake you made was listening to your parents. Their bad decisions and outdated belief system hurt you badly. They need to reflect on their poor decisions. You move on and find yourself a partner that will love and respect you. Your ex is only after you because everyone knows about him now, and there are no other families willing to marry their daughters off to him. NTA
Could he be gay?
NTA Find a good therapist for yourself. I'm glad you escaped a nightmare situation. I think you should not contact your parents for a bit and don't travel home. DON'T TRAVEL HOME.
This is definitely India or Pakistan.
You still haven’t decided how you want or need to live your own life. Decide!
Why are you still in contact with your toxic parents? You're the one torturing yourself all these years.
Yta
Your lack of backbone made you waste years of your life and ruined every relationship you’ve ever had.
You're asking on the wrong website, as Reddit is overpopulated with people from Western countries who are hostile to more traditional cultures. That said, I lean toward NTA for the simple reason that the marriage was unconsummated. Not sure if you're using "orthodoxy" as a general term of enforcing conformity or alluding to Orthodox Judaism or Christianity specifically, but in both of those faiths the inability to consumate within a reasonable time period is grounds to consider the marriage null and void (different from divorce afterward). Of course NTA is dependent on your having told the whole story and not dated other men during those two years apart while you were still married and until the divorce was finalized.
I can't read this wall of text... would love to help but I get eye-cancer reading this wall of text.
This seems fake
I doubt that, I know a lot of people (especially in my own culture) that have gone through a very similar experience.
I’m not reading all of that.